Judge John Hodgman - Fancy Ducks vs Fancy Geese

Episode Date: November 3, 2021

It's time to clear the docket! Bed time, snacking cheese cutting, fancy ducks and geese, dolphin butts, cats sleeping in closets, and much more! Plus an update on Episode 487: Brush with the Law!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bill of Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week clearing the docket. And with me is the kangaroo of the kangaroo court himself, Judge John Hodgman. Oh, you'll have to forgive me if you hear a steady drip, drip, drip. Every gutter is dripping here in Park Slop, Brooklyn. We got soaked. Oh, that's fun. Park slop. Oh, yeah, I know. I just came up with that today. I'm sure I'm not the first. Another bombogenesis hit us. Jesse, I just have something I need to say. I got a letter from Suzanne Dropkin this week. And you may recognize the last name, but not the first. Over the years, I've told the story of my childhood friend, Joe Dropkin. Jesse, back when I was was eight the movie alien came out

did you ever see the movie alien jesse an amazing movie yeah great movie it's a great movie is it suitable for an eight-year-old would you say not at all not the slightest now r-rated movie and very scary very scary movie and i did not see it when it came out. But somehow around that time, for some reason, my entire extended family intuited that I liked the movie Alien, even though I could not see it legally. My dad gave me the Alien comic book adaptation of the movie by Archie Goodwin and Walt Simonson. It's absolutely brilliant. It was published by Heavy Metal Magazine. It's a great comic book adaptation of a movie that is beautiful and terrifying and wildly inappropriate for kids

and i and as a as an eight or nine year old i read this i'm like i shouldn't be reading this and then the following christmas i received an alien action figure for christmas did you know there was an alien action figure i've talked about it before on the podcast but i might have to bring some people up to date on this jesse do you know about this thing is it an action figure of the alien from the movie alien yeah to yeah 20th century fox thought hey you know what star wars was a big merchandising hit and we gave those licensing rights to george lucas for the merch and that's how he made all of his money so let's not make the same mistake twice if alien this r-rated movie about an alien impregnating a man with its spawn that bursts out of its chest which then stalks a woman through the corridors of a space born oil derrick hits big with the kids we better have some action figures ready you know for kids

and they not surprising they only made one action figure before they shut down this enterprise. And this was the alien, an 18-inch high alien figurine with a full phallic head and protruding mandibles and all its H.R. Giger-designed mechanosexual grotesquerie. They made this for children. And this is what i received for christmas that year and even as i opened it in philadelphia visiting my mom's family as we did every year i was horrified and baffled because i knew this thing is shouldn't exist yeah it's distressing it's weird and distressing to look at and even at the age i was like i felt sad for my mom's sisters who bought it for me going to the store looking at this thing being like well

jk would probably like this that's what they call me jk because even though they were and are five very close sisters from a working class catholic neighborhood in philadelphia and i was godless, strange only child raised by their oldest sister in an affluent suburb of Boston, trained only to read Edward Gorey and watch Monty Python and bring a briefcase to school. You know, I was a prime weirdo. They loved me and they loved my mom, the only one of them to leave Philadelphia. And they loved me and they went to the store and they found this

disturbing incomprehensible oddity that looked like a mockery of humanity and they thought jk would probably like this it seems up his alley yeah but they were wrong i didn't like it to paraphrase didn't have enough slime on it you were upset i loved it i loved it i loved that alien figurine i mean i was a smart kid i was already attuned to the meta narrative i loved the fact that it should not exist it was a weird cultural artifact and then a couple of years later joseph joe dropkin my friend from heath elementary school in brookline came over to my house to play ColecoVision or whatever. And he accidentally sat down on my alien figurine and broke it.

Broke its leg out of its leg socket. And I never forgave him. I wrote about it in my books. I've talked about it on this podcast frequently, starting all the way back in episode 11. It was a plot device in my never-made pilot script, Only Child, where I say Joe Dropkin broke my alien figurine and I will never forgive him. You can listen to that as a table

read over in Dead Pilot Society here at Maximum Fun. Episode two, I think, of Dead Pilot Society. Great podcast. It was a joke that I would say over and over again. Joe Dropkin sat on my alien and I will never forgive him. And it was a joke because of course i forgave him eventually when things break and you can't put them back together again it hurts i kept that broken alien for a long time with its busted butt and it hurt but i could never get rid of it until sometime i did it was a joke. And yet I was never entirely sure if Joe Dropkin had ever heard the joke. And if he had or whether he understood that it was a joke. I never found out.

And then Suzanne wrote me just the other week to say that Joe had heard the joke and he got the joke and he loved hearing me talk about his, quote, big booty smashing that alien. I guess I said that back in episode 11, his big booty smashed that alien. I guess I said that back in episode 11 his big booty smashed that alien. And it was ironic because the alien itself

was broken in the booty. The leg snapped out of the mechanosexual alien butt cheeks. And Joe had even said, Suzanne, Joe had even tried at one point to find a replacement for me just to pay the joke off and pay me back. But Joe had pancreatic cancer for the past

four years and he died last year in July, which I didn't know. So I regret not keeping up with Joe Dropkin other than trading nice words with him on Facebook. But then apparently somehow missing the fact that he passed away, I knew he had cancer. He was very obviously a wonderful guy and husband and a caring and devoted member of a synagogue and an amazing weird dad with a great big booty. I'm so grateful that he got the joke, but I really, really regret that I never, to the best of my memory, I never reached out to him just to say, remember, this is a joke. I love you. I love you, Joe. I forgive you. I always did. There's something beyond this life. I want you to know that someone heard our story at one point

many years later and got me a replacement vintage 1979 Kenner alien figurine. And guess what? That one broke too in my hands as I lifted it up. They were junk. I know that you know, Joe, humans are better than things. So thank you, Suzanne, for reaching out to me. Jesse, I dedicate this episode to the memory of Joe Dropkin and his big booty. And I promise Joe Dropkin and all the children of the world, there's a lot of big booty content in this episode. So I hope you all enjoy it. Thank you. You know, Joe had another claim to fame. What's that? The song Honky Tonk Badonkadonk was written about him. I forgot that that's true. I forgot that that's absolutely true. Honky Tonk Badonkadonk

written about Joe, Joe, Joe Dropkin's big booty. You knew him. I didn't. I hope that's the kind of thing he would have enjoyed. Yeah. Bill Paxton couldn't smash an alien. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. enjoyed yeah bill paxton couldn't smash an alien you know what i'm talking about yeah it was game over man for bill paxton but joe dropkins big booty boom just sit on it that's what that's what they should have done the whole time sit on that alien it was a really golden age for sitting on it sit on it potsy why didn't you ever think of that sigourney weaver my hero did you try sitting on it and breaking its butt it had a well-defined but look it up online you can just see it was really well sculpted this toy

really well sculpted and you probably never saw the alien butt in the movie but you could definitely see the alien butt on the figurine is Isn't alien's butt alien leg? Let's get into the docket. Here's a case from Lisa in Escondido, California. Hello, your honor. This dispute is between me and my dad. We'll occasionally stay up late and video chat. My dad lives in Texas and he will go to bed around 2 a.m. his time. and he will go to bed around 2 a.m. his time. I stay up here in California until 1 a.m. my time. My dad is convinced he's going to bed earlier than me because he's asleep before I am. I say I'm going to bed earlier

as my clock reads an earlier time when my head hits that pillow. What do you think? I don't honestly know what damages I'm searching for, except to be proven right. It's all we ever want. Jesse, this one reads like a logic puzzle, like a logic math puzzle that you would get in seventh grade math, right? Yeah, you go into class, sit down, they'd give you that little nugget to work on and get your brain warmed up. Yeah.

A train is moving east at 200 miles per hour. Obviously not in the United States because we don't have infrastructure to support that. Which passenger is lying? The answer is the doctor was a woman. Yeah. The bullet was made of ice. The bullet was made of ice. The bullet was made of ice and the leg of lamb

was the murder object. The murder object. The weapon. All right, let's figure it out. If Lisa and her father speak till 2 a.m. Texas time at Central Mountain, no, Central Time,

not Mountain Time, and they both go to bed at 1 a.m. California time, that is, say, Pacific Time, which one arrives at the train station of Slumberland first? So, Lisa, you know how to use websites. It took me a long time to figure this one out, even with websites. But Lisa, you know that 1 a.m. in California is 3 a.m. Central. Therefore, if your dad goes to bed at 2 a.m. Central, he has been asleep for an hour

by the time your head hits that pillow. Check my math, Jesse. Am I right there? Am I right, or am I wrong, or am I right? That's absolutely correct. And I just want you to know that we took a standardized version of those little logic questions at the beginning of my seventh grade math class, and I got the best overall score for the year in the state. Really? It's true. Did you get a little medal or something or a little proclamation? I didn't get nothing. I didn't get nothing.

It was only even told to me in the context of what a disappointment I was. You know, the gift-giving season is coming. What was the standardized logic puzzle test for the whole state? For the whole state of California. State of California top logician? Top junior logician? Number one in the state for the course of the year. I've got an idea for a gift for this holiday season.

Remind me, Jennifer Marmer. It's a trophy that says, why don't you do your homework? It's not going to be a trophy. It's not going to be a trophy. It's not even going to be anything I just talked about. I'm just going to buy everything there is on Put This On Shop, all the items. Great. And then I'm going to ship them to you in a crate.

Oh, thank goodness. It's a nice gift, right? It would be perfect inventory for my shop. Great. And then I'm going to ship them to you in a crate. Oh, thank goodness. It's a nice gift, right? It would be perfect inventory for my shop. Exactly. All right. So, yeah, your dad in the universe is going to sleep before you are. Therefore, he is going to sleep earlier. That said, Lisa, even though you're both staying up late to talk to each other in video chat,

which, by the way, is adorable. Midnight chats between dads and adult children. That's a delight. A couple of night owls, cutie pie night owls out there. But your father is technically staying up later in the context of his day or night specifically. Right. In the context of his day or night specifically, right? I mean, it's like if you both have to get up at 6 a.m. in the morning relative time, he is staying up later.

It's his sleep cycle that's being messed up. He is staying up later than you are on these adorable midnight chats. And I can only conclude that this is because he loves you a little bit more than you love him. That's probably true. Yeah, seems right. Right? He's messing up his sleep cycle. So you can do with that what you want,

but I got to come down on the side of time zones here. He's going to bed an hour before you are. It doesn't matter what your clock says. Am I wrong on this, Jesse? I mean, you live in a world of absolute truth. That's right. I believe in the inherent subjectivity of truth. So I guess it's just a philosophical difference that we'll never be able to bridge.

Yeah. Are you telling me to do my own research? Got it. I know where you're coming from. I'm ready, willing, and able to play road games for the Brooklyn Nets just because I can't step foot into the Barclays Center. All right. I stand for absolute empirical truth. And the truth is dad's gone to bed earlier, Lisa.

And I don't know what you're trying to win from this argument. But please enjoy having fun conversations with your dad. Tell him we say hi. Here's something from Dustin in Phoenix, Arizona. Here's something from Dustin in Phoenix, Arizona. My wife and I were preparing a meal and were looking for some snacking cheese to assist in this. Quotation marks around snacking cheese. This is something they say in their house. Snacking cheese.

Okay. My wife fetched some and requested a knife with which to cube it. Fetch me some snacking cheese, won't you, dear spouse? Well, wait a minute. I want to say this sentence. My wife fetched some snacking cheese and requested a knife with which to cube, period. That's a great sentence. Love it.

Might I have a blade that I could cube? I wished cube. I presented her with the chef's knife, which was already in use for the meal and had been wiped down after its last job. She was outraged that such a huge, quote, butcher knife, unquote, would be used for the task of cutting a bit of semi-soft cheese mozzarella. Outraged, Jesse. I objected as a pedant that this was not a butcher's knife, but was in fact a chef's knife, which is multifunctional. My wife, to my horror, selected a serrated steak knife for this job.

Her objection to the chef's knife was to its size. My objection to the steak knife is in the serration and also that another utensil would have to be cleaned. Please help us identify who is at fault. Is it my pedantry or her fear of my Japanese style chef's knife? her fear of my Japanese style chef's knife. You know, first of all, Dustin in Phoenix, Arizona, boarding zero of the Great Lakes. So there is no Great Lakes Beach report this episode. Sorry, everyone in the world. You know, my recommendation to spouses who live together and presumably sleep in the same room is that they,

the ideal sleeping situation is if they have the means to get the largest bed they can. And if they really have the means, they should get a separate sleeping villas connected by a reflecting pool. In your case, I have a specific recommendation for your household in this kitchen full of knives and outrage, which is that I hope your kitchen is equipped

with not one but two fainting couches. And a full complement of smelling salts. And a full complement of Himalayan pink smelling salts. I really appreciate the outrage that you are feeling about this. I just want to say something first about cubes. Jesse Thorne, do you know that the cube as a form basically does not exist in nature? It is very hard for nature to naturally form a cube. Or I shouldn't say that it's difficult, but nature doesn't usually do it.

Every now and then you'll get a piece of rock or sand that is almost cubic. For the most part, a cube is a human. Whether it's cheese or any form, it is created by humans. It's a non-natural form. Did you know that? Yeah, that's why we have dominion over the beasts. Oh, are you so sure?

That's a tease for later. Oh, wow. Meanwhile, back to this. All right, there's a lot to unpack here. First of all, there's a tease for later. Oh, wow. Meanwhile, back to this. All right. There's a lot to unpack here. First of all, there's a big brag at the end. All of a sudden, after all of this verbiage, Dustin drops in that he's got a Japanese style chef's knife. I'm not sure what he's meaning by that.

Does that mean it's a Santuko knife, which is a traditional Japanese chef's knife that has kind of a rounded front and kind of a wider blade. It looks a little bit different from a standard Western chef's knife. Could be called maybe more a butchery in style. I don't know. Or does this mean he's got a fancy, a fancy pantsy regular chef's knife manufactured in Japan, a lot of which you see with what they call Damascus steel, that folded steel, ripply element that looks so pretty and you can charge so much more money for it. I don't know, but it's a brag one way or the other. And I don't love to reward pedantry and I don't love to reward bragging. Second of all, mozzarella as snacking cheese. Jesse, what's your favorite snacking cheese, would you say? I like aged Gouda. Yeah.

Yeah. How old do you like it? Five years, seven years? I believe that the particular Gouda I purchase from a local trader here in Southern California named Joe is a 3,000 day Gouda, which would make it a roughly five and a half, six year old Gouda, which would make it a roughly five-and-a-half, six-year-old Gouda. They measure it by days? Well, you know, precision is important in any trading relationship. And naturally, Goudas are not formed in cubes. That has to be done by human intervention if you're going to get a tray full of cubed goudas but you can do it you can cube a gouda this gouda is too dry you would you would have to crumble sort of flake the gouda yeah right right but a lot of some you can there are a lot of

younger goudas you that you can cube you can cube a goud you can cube absolutely like a like a younger like a smoked gouda maybe that's a nice snacking cheese. Yeah. Or like a, hey, the pride of 1988, Havarti, Dill Havarti. That's a cheese you can cube pretty easily. Yeah. Have that in 1988. Enjoy it with some sun-dried tomatoes and a kiwi-flavored beverage. A little pesto on top on a little baguette from auburn pan boom sure time travel to harvard square 1988 let's go to the tasty and then check out out of town news all that is gone now gone forever go buy some comic books of new break comics the point is i've seen mozzarella in a lot of forms shreds i've seen fresh mozzarella you know that's not a cube it's not natural it's a ball of mozzarella in a in a milky brine or whatever

i'm not sure what mozzarella you're cubing here you know what i mean is there are there bricks of mozzarella you can get like a brick of a low moisture pizza mozzarella maybe. Like a low moisture part skim. Yeah. Yeah. You want whole milk if you're making pizza. Yeah. My favorite snacking cheese traditionally that was cubable was a Torquay, which is a Basque sheep's milk cheese. I really loved it.

I used to call it the monarch of cheeses. Sure. That's why it's known as such to this day the world over if you find if you find a torky and it's not that difficult to find but if you find it still with the with the label on it it'll say a torky the monarch of cheeses in quotation marks john hodgman main humorist main humorist former cheesem, 1991. Co-host shooting the breeze. That's right. But while it still wears that crown, I am tired of it.

I am tired of monarchy. I prefer. I've gone into weird dad territory. And you know what I'm looking for now? I'm looking for junk cheese that has hot peppers in it. I like that now. A cube of a habanero Monterey jack cheese i'll enjoy that anything dumb and spicy just like any old dad i don't get the mozzarella that you guys are cubing but let's

just say for the sake of argument jesse thorn if you were cubing a brick of semi-soft cheese would you use a chef's knife or would you use a serrated steak knife? By which I mean, not a bread knife, not a big thing, but just, you know, like a,

a regular size table knife that has serrations in it. So you can cut steak or meat with it. I would use a chef's knife. Use a chef's knife. Of course. Yeah. Because the serrations are going to shred the cube. It's going to make an unclean cube.

And you can't get the blade down to the cutting surface comfortably. Right. To cut all the way through the cheese block. Yeah, because the blade's too short. You're going to have to do an angled motion. Whereas with a chef's knife, the length of the blade allows you essentially to guillotine it down. Yeah. And the position of the handle as well. When you're making a cube of cheese, what you're trying to do is mock nature. Do something nature can't do. Make a perfect cube.

You don't want to ruin it with the serration and not only is there nothing wrong with using that chef's knife so long as as it is clean it's better it's better for the job and dustin your argument about dirtying another knife is stupid because you're gonna have to clean that chef's knife again after you cube your cheese everything's gonna have to get clean. But using the right tool for the right job, I have to go with Dustin in this case. I do not understand.

I do not understand or comprehend Justin's spouse's outrage. But I hope she recovers from her fit of peak soon. Let's take a quick break to hear from this week's partner. We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I also have a Japanese chef's knife. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org.

And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable,

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made in, made in. The Rohan duck. Made in, made in.

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Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast, the only Japanese chef's knife podcast that's won a Webby Award for Best Comedy Podcast. That's right. Co-hosted by a junior state logician champ. And the co-host of the famous cheese podcast, Shooting the Breeze. Shooting the Breeze.

Here's a case. An annual or biannual podcast about cheese. What's this case coming from? It's from Sonoma, California, home of Train Town. Dear Judge John Hodgman, which are fancier, ducks or geese? I say ducks. My wife says geese. It's one of the greatest letters I've ever received.

Absolutely rules. First of all, it's direct and to the point. This is the entire letter. Second of all, it is absolutely ridiculous and frivolous, and yet it is necessary to answer. You immediately need to know which is fancier, ducks or geese. Jesse, do you have a thought on this one? Which is fancier, ducks or geese? This is a tough one for me to say. Yeah. Because both are beautiful and malevolent creatures. Sure. And each category contains many subcategories. There are some truly

extraordinary ducks out there, John. There definitely are. But have you ever seen the Sebastopol goose? Sebastopol? It's a bisonoma. Yeah. It's also a kind of goose where do you want it jesse in your text or in the chat throw it in the chat baby all right i'm gonna throw it in the chat gotta open the chat i want it over there at train town in sonoma check out this goose just threw it in the chat there for you wowie zowie This thing's a beauty. It's a beaut of a goose, isn't it? This thing looks like when Bjork dressed up as a swan for the Oscars.

This goose is as beautiful as Icelandic pop legend Bjork. Jennifer Marmer, you're raising your arms in triumph. Yeah. Did you also see the Bjork resemblance? Yeah, that was the first thing I thought of when I saw that beautiful goose. Also, I wanted to shout out to Christian Duenas, fellow producer at Maximum Fun. He went as Bjork wearing that outfit for Halloween this year, and it was spectacular. From now on, that's no longer a B Bjork costume. That's a sexy Sebastopol

goose costume. Big time. Well, I have this photo up as soon as I get permission from poultryhub.org to post this photo of a Sebastopol goose. You can see it for yourself over there at the show page at maximumfund.org, as well as our Instagram account at JudgeJohnHodgman on Instagram. But this is a white, this is like, it's almost like a mythological creature because it's got the neck of a head and your standard white goose. But from the neck down, it looks like it's wearing a beautiful coat of fluffy feathers. This is the fluffiest goose I've ever seen. Extraordinary. feathers this is the fluffiest goose i've ever seen extraordinary i really have to be i really am grateful to the letter writer greg for giving me the opportunity to google fancy geese because

i never would have had heard of the sebastopol goose which is a very fancy goose indeed but when you google fancy ducks oh god or whatever what a journey into fanciness you will enjoy. There is at least one super fancy goose. or the long-tailed duck or the hooded merganser or the pink-eared duck or the smew duck or the spectacled eider or the surf scoter jesse check out take a look at the surf scoter i'm putting this guy in the chat these are all real ducks this is a photo of a surf scoter according to the according to the caption surf scoter eating a clam sometimes it's called a skunk headed coot it's eating a clam. Shell and all, I would think. Does it have a nose pass through?

It's found in the coastal waters of the North American Pacific and Atlantic during the summer. This little eye. Like, oh. This is all from a website called treehugger.com. Specifically, treehugger.com slash unbelievable wild duck species and i haven't even gotten to the white-faced whistling duck the bicolteal the beautiful wood duck i mean the wood duck is a one of the only animals that has the wood duck is one of the only animals that has all of the colors of the rainbow in its plumage.

It's a beautiful looking duck. The ruddy duck and the northern shoveler. Can't talk. I'm eating clams. But the monarch of cheeses, of fancy ducks, of course, Jesse Thorne, can only be the Mandarin duck. I'm putting this one in the chat now for you to, I mean, you're not even going to enjoy this one. You're just going to marvel at its beauty. It's extraordinary.

It's extraordinary. No wonder it's such a popular brand of backpack. The Mandarin Duck is an extraordinarily fancy duck, fancier even than the wood duck and this particular mandarin duck jesse you may know was a social media star of 2018 and 2019 when this mandarin duck of unknown origin showed up in the pond in central park and people went bananas for taking pictures of this duck because it is so, so fancy. And the New York Magazine dubbed it Hot Duck, but Gothamist gave it a better name, which is Mandarin Patinkin. They named it after Mandy Patinkin.

Yeah, it's a great name. People got so excited about this duck that they would crowd, like there are photos on the Wikipedia page of people almost murdering each other to get closer to this duck to take its picture it caused ecological problems in the wetlands surrounding the pond and uh and not not not everyone loved this duck indeed the head of the ornithology department of the american museum of natural history who i will not name because

uh this person sounds like a jerk said said that mandarin patinkin is what they call a quote plastic duck because it did not appear here in nature it clearly was a pet duck that got free and was sold in a pet shop and then it got free somehow and the owner would not claim it because apparently it is illegal to keep a duck as a pet in New York City laws. Who likes them? Nobody. And so this director of ornithology at the Museum of Natural History, who I shall not name because I also said that this duck had ornithological interest colon zero.

I disagree. Wow. I disagree. Respectfully. This is a fancy duck. But Mandarin Patinkin did not need this kind of treatment, up with which it would not put. And in 2019, it left the pond. We do not know where Mandarin Patinkin is now.

I hope that they are doing okay. But they leave behind only a memory. A legacy of fanciness. Ducks are more fancy, Greg. Fancier than geese. Sorry, Sebastopol geese. You're out of here. Here's something from Bailey in Coralville, Iowa.

My cousin Sarah and I disagree as to whether a dolphin has a butt. Uh-huh. She thinks the butt is by the tail. I maintain that in order to be a butt, it has to relate to an anus. Please order Sarah to acknowledge that a dolphin does not have a butt. Well, this is an interesting philosophical question, But this is an interesting philosophical question, Jesse, because how can there be but if there is no leg? That's a really good point. How can there be but if there is no flap? How can there be but if there is no cheek?

Can there be but? Well, I am here to tell you that Googling, quote, dolphin anus, unquote, was not the trip into horror that I expected it to be. I am happy to tell you that all the top hits were perfectly reasonable scientific charts and observations of how a dolphin poops. And indeed, a dolphin has an anus it is concealed within a slit on the bottom of its body at the base of its tail sort of where the tail kind of meets the body if you can picture it it is not as i now i'm not really sure what cousin sarah means by the dolphin's butt is by the tail by this definition yes the dolphin's butt is definitely by the tail because it is near the base of the tail but i think and can only imagine that the point of dispute here is that sarah says the butt indicates the end of the dolphin that is the end of the tail that is the fin and that is not true the butt is not the end of the dolphin. That is the end of the tail. That is the fin. And that is not true.

The butt is not the end of the dolphin. No more than your butt, the human butt that we all have, is the end of us. That is kind of the middle side of us. So I am going to go ahead and settle this in favor of Bailey in Coralville, Iowa. She is correct. The butt pertains primarily to anus, not to the end of the creature. But there are many, many great butts in nature. Jesse Thorne, did you know that?

Many great butts in nature. It's part of nature's majesty. It's part of nature's majesty. It's part of nature's majesty. Do you know that the manatee eats a lot of underwater vegetation that makes it very gassy? I knew about the vegetation. I didn't know about the gas. Yeah, yeah. And they have a butt too.

And they fart to propel themselves. It sounds like my uncle wasn't really the world's largest source of natural gas. No, no. His novelty hat lied. Not farter of the year, which is a t-shirt that was pointed out on the boardwalk of Ocean City, New Jersey. Our daughter pointed out and said, we should got that for dad. She said that to my wife and whole human being life partner. And my wife and whole human being life partner said, yeah, that's funny.

I'm like, what are you not telling me? Too many snacking cheeses. You know what's interesting about the poops of a wombat, the anus and the poop of a wombat? Is it cubic in shape? A wombat poops cubes and no one knows why. It is one of the only naturally formed cubes in nature the wombat poop look it up it's uncanny no one understands why and they're very interested in how a wombat rectum forms a cube of poop to expel through a round anus how does it happen engineers would

like to know because forming cubes is hard not easy and apparently so is the wombat poop it's one of the driest poops on earth wombat poops are very hard that's why they can maintain their cubic shape because they are getting all the moisture out of that poop before they get rid of it it's like uh it's like they're living on dune. Sorry, I don't know a lot about dune. I'm more of a zune guy. Of course. Which do you want to hear about first?

There are two more. It's your choice. You know what, Jennifer Marmer, it's your choice. Would you like to hear about the anus of the parrotfish or the anus of Australia's Mary River Turtle? Give me that turtle. All right. Turtle.

Mary River Turtle, endangered turtle in Australia. Many think that the duck-billed platypus is the strangest creature to come out of Australia. And those people are correct. But second strangest for sure is the Mary River turtle, which is a turtle that not only has long arms and legs that really stick out of its shell and float around, but it's got a long tail sticking out of its shell as well. And on that long tail, there's a cloaca, a.k.a. a herpetological anus. And that cloaca breathes air. It's got gills in its butt.

It can stay underwater. I regret asking for this. Yeah, well, you're going to hear it one way or the other. It's extraordinary. Nature's majesty. Well, let me tell you about. It's getting Marty Stauffer in here. Let me tell you about the parrotfish.

Parrotfish of the Pacific, they feed on coral reefs, live coral reefs, coral polyps. They eat them. They got teeth. They grind them down. Their body grinds them down. And they poop out a little something we call sand. That's right. 85% of the soft sand beaches on Hawaii, that's parrotfish poop, everybody.

The humphead parrotfish can produce 200 pounds of sand per year. You would not have sandy beaches were it not for the remarkable anus of the parrotfish. Truly, truly the anus is a wonderful thing across all of these species. Thank you for asking me about how a dolphin poops and where its butt is. Its butt is its anus slit. And this is the end of Big Booty content on Judge John Hodgman. You're welcome, Judge Ropkin. I hope you enjoyed it. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, we'll get an update from some past litigants, John, about a spooky shed. Or as my youngest child, Frankie, would call it, a pooky shed. A pooky shed. My kid would call it a sooky shed.

My children would call it a spooky shed because they're adults now and I don't get to talk about how cute they are. And they want to buy me Farter of the Year shirts. That's pretty cute. It is cute. Enjoy your babies. Let's go to the break. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney.

I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you.

And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-H. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit.

No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. Oh, oh, oh. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. The podcast about cute ways our children say things. Coming up after the credits, Jesse will sing a song written by his 10-year-old that is dedicated to knob TVs, vintage televisions where you change the channels by turning knobs. Cannot wait. After the credits, you say? I'll be sticking around. That's going to be after the credits. I'm going to perform an original song by Grace Thorne, my 10-year-old, who has been walking around the house singing this song about knob TVs, her current greatest passion. And why not? Turning that dial to get those UHF,

turning it into channel 25 to watch Star Blazers. That was a great feeling. You know, in my house, my father's house, had maybe a 10-inch black and white television. This is well, well into the 1980s. Right. We're talking about 1989 or something. Oh, yeah.

Havarti cheese was already out of style. Exactly. People had moved on to clearly Canadian. And we really did have a television where the knob was broken and you changed the channel with a wrench. Classic. Classic TV hack. Exactly. Here's a case from Gabriella in St. Louis, Missouri.

I have a one and a half year old cat named Pippin. Since I adopted him in June of 2021, I have derived an infinite amount of joy from watching him sleep at my feet while I work at my desk. Recently, he's discovered my warm and cozy closet and has begun sleeping in there, out of my view. I've started closing the closet door to encourage Pippin to hang out by my desk instead of in the closet. door to encourage Pippin to hang out by my desk instead of in the closet. My identical twin sister, Liana, who lives in Norwalk, Connecticut, says that I'm denying Pippin of his God or whatever given right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of coziness. Liana requests an injunction from the court so that I no longer prioritize my own joy over Pippin's. I promise to send a billion cute Pippin photos for the Judge John Hodgman social media feeds to complement this dispute. Jesse, I noticed that you said Missouri, which is one of the ways people pronounce Missouri.

Yeah, we're going to get mail. Look, my dad was from Missouri and he said Missouri. So he's dead now. I want his ghost to like me. Exactly. I noticed also when you mentioned Gabrielle's twin sister, Liana, she lives in Norwalk, Connecticut. And then there's two words that you didn't say. Yeah. Well, this is, I think, a typo or nonsense words in the parentheses here. And after it says, who lives in Norwalk, Connecticut, and then there's a parenthetical that I didn't read because it's just a typo or nonsense words. It says New England. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe Gabriella just sort of dropped something on her keyboard or something. I don't know.

It was probably one of those migraines that makes you seem like, you know, you're saying crazy words or whatever. I guess so. I hope, I hope. Maybe Pippin walked across the keyboard. Pippin might've jumped up and walked across the keyboard. Yeah. It's warm there. Keyboard's always warm. Do you know that when I did Get Your Pets in honor of the Maximum Fun Block Party the other week, we visited with the cat of, or the two cats actually archie and panda the cats of audrey and dan mccoy uh dan being of course one of the three hosts of the flop house that's nice and audrey showed me their cat panda sprawled out in front of the keyboard on her desk and she said oh yeah this is panda enjoying his retractable cat shelf

what others might call a keyboard tray yes exactly it took me a long time i was like oh i that's a great idea i would love to have a retractable cat shelf on my desk and have a cat climb up there but it's just the keyboard tray and then do you know what happened jesse what's that they had a kitty condo do you know what that is that's like a piece of cat furniture yeah places for the cat to hide yeah it's like a little mini tree house made of wall to wall carpeting for the cat with a little hutch and i said uh you know i've always had a fantasy of being a cat and going into one of those things where you put your phone into it and have it face out so I can feel like I'm inside the hutch. And then you and Dan just have a normal conversation like I'm a cat spying on you.

And they did it. And it was one of the most profound experiences I've ever had in my life. Sitting inside that hutch, feeling small small listening to them talk about have you seen our cat john lately i don't know where he is check the hutch i was like an out-of-body experience i couldn't speak for a little while it was so intense telling you we're going to be able to do things with virtual reality they're going to build build empathy across across the species across the world it's going to be incredible. But anyway. When you left your reverie, there were just a few feathers at the corner of your mouth.

Fancy feathers. No, no, no, no, no. I'm an indoor cat. A friend called you and said, did I just see you in Central Park? No, I'm an indoor cat. I am frankly declawed. But back to this letter. I take some issue with the hyperbole that Gabriella is offering here. Uh, an infinite amount of joy, a billion pictures. First of all, we don't want a billion pictures of your cat. I'm sure Pippin is delightful.

A billion is too many. We get a lot of pictures of pets and I love, I love them. I love them all. But first of all, a, you didn't give us even one Gabriella. So I don't even know what we're talking about here. And B, I'm not going to show Jesse Thorne a picture of a pet just because it's cute. All pets are cute. The pet has to be doing a cute thing. Yeah. That's, I mean, ultimately that's a distinction that so many pet owners miss. If you're going to share a picture of your pet with your favorite podcast host, that's great, but let's have that pet do something cute or be a scruffy dog. Either way, it's a win. Or let it be a Mary River turtle like the one I just dropped in the chat, Jennifer and

Jesse. Yeah. From your description, that definitely sounds like something that I want to look at. Well, why don't you take a look and see what you think? No, that's okay. No, please. No, that's fine. You can. I'm sure it's in the chat. It's right there in the chat. It's sort of your show. So I guess I have to. Well, we co-founded. Wait, I thought it was going to be the tail butt. Nope. It's got a little hat on. One thing I forgot to mention about the Mary River turtle is that for some reason, algae grows on top of its head. So it looks like it's wearing a Joker wig. Like a turtle chia pet.

Like a turtle chia pet. a turtle chia pet like a turtle chia pet it also has a little it's got a little pig nose and then it's got a it's got a little grin on its face like algae on my head ain't i a stinker it's also got little fingers protruding from its chin those are little little fingies that it has to to to to sort through the mud as it's looking for food the merry river extraordinary turtle that is something all right well back to back to this case of cats and closets here's what i think jesse do you have an opinion on this is it okay to lock your cat out of a room or a closet where you know it wants to go and hang out because you want it to out with you? The love of my life is my dog Coco. You know that.

Yeah. She's now 14 years old. Oh my goodness. I love her with all of my heart. She's getting deaf. She's a little blind. She moves a lot slower than she used to. She doesn't care to move all that much at all.

And she's less interested in goofing around with me. A lot of times she likes to go into the depths of my closet and curl up and nap for hours on end. And when she's not doing that, she's mostly peeing on my carpets. And I do miss her when she goes in there. Yeah. But I also think it is her right to live her life on her terms outside of the fact that I lock her up inside my house. And only give her one kind of food that comes in pellet form. Outside of those stretchers. We mix in a special wet food for her. She's an autonomous being. She's getting older. But I think that doesn't mean

that I couldn't create a situation more amenable to her spending time with me, such as a cozy little spot under my desk. What if I did that? What if I put a little heating pad into a dog bed? Oh, I thought you were going to say you were going to rub Gainsburgers on your ankles. What if I rubbed Gainsburgers on my ankles? I don't even know what that means. That's the kind of dog food. Gainsburgers. Yes. Gainsburgers dog food. The only dog food I recognize is Dick Van Patten.

Dick Van Patten's hobo chili for dogs is a real thing that existed. Uh, well here's what, yeah. I mean, in the case of an, of a, of a senior creature, you want them to enjoy their lives however they see fit. And I, and I absolutely feel like, yeah, Coco should go cuddle in that closet there was an aged cat that lived with our friend christine connor when we were in high school named winnie uh who slept in the ashes of last night's fire that was how she sought warmth curl up in the ashes of the previous night's fire in the fireplace that's incredible too but pippin i'll point out is a year and a half old but but a youth an adolescent if you will uh a playful creature and i think that it's you know pippin pippin will find places that pippin

likes to be and you should respect where pippin likes to be but i think that it's okay to close the closet because not so much that because you have the right to force Pippin to cuddle with you, Pippin won't do that. Pippin will do whatever Pippin wants to do. But I think it's okay to close that closet because A, it's none of Liana's business. And B, if Pippin sleeps in the closet, it's only a matter of time before he vomits in that closet. And then is Liana going to climb into your closet and clean that cat vom off your shoes? I don't think so. That's going to be your job. I would investigate if you've got the space, a kitty condo, Gabriella, get a kitty condo. in your view, for example. And then you will have a place to put me when I call you on Get Your Pets on Instagram, because I want to get back in the hutch. Some people want to go back to the womb. I want to go back to the hutch. But in the meantime, Pippa's going to sleep wherever Pippa

wants to sleep. Take the affection from a cat when you can get it, but you can't force it ever. But I do think it's okay to close the closet closet because that's going to be full of cat piss and vomit any second. Judge Hodgman, the spooky season is over, but we have an update here from a former litigant named Sheila. You might remember her from episode 487, Brush with the Law. She wanted to paint her parents' shed with a very spooky theme. Spooky kind of Jack Skellington Adams family theme. A very ambitious spooky paint scheme. That's right. I remember. Her sister, Elise, preferred something more adaptable to the rest of the year. Right. And if I remember correctly, I ordered Sheila to paint the shed a more neutral gray, something that could be interpreted as spooky, but wasn't going to be outwardly Halloweeny all year long.

So paint it gray and then offset with detailing with my favorite Dutch black glossy paint from Fine Paints of Europe. And I did allow for one spooky element, a red door. And Sheila wrote and sent us photos of the end result. She said it took them a while to get started, but quote, once we got set up for the first coat, our dog Maverick immediately stepped in paint. We have photos of his handiwork as well as our mom, Holly cleaning his paw. You can tell from his face that he knows what he did. This is a pretty cute picture of a dog feeling shame.

Would you agree, Jesse? Gotta take a look at this picture. Yeah. Maverick. He really did leave a perfect paw print. Hey, you named him Maverick, not compliant. Oh, look at Maverick's little face. It looks sad.

He says, I got paint on my tootsie. It looks sad. He says, I got paint on my tootsie. He got a painty paw. But Maverick is a beauty. You can send me pictures of Maverick doing normal stuff. Maverick is delightful. And Sheila writes, we're all happy with the final look.

And if you scroll down, you can see the final look. And it is, frankly, I'm going to say that that's a spookier shed than if it had been decorated quote-unquote spooky i think they did a wonderful job yeah of creating a spooky shed that's year-round appropriate it's a light gray base with black trim and a red door and it looks like there's a garden gnome by the red door and I can't zoom in, but it looks like it might be a zombie garden gnome, which would be a great touch. I think that this is a perfect balance of pookie and not pookie. Well, Sheila writes, we're all happy with the final look and it encouraged us to spruce up the backyard beyond the paint job. So a great experience overall. And looking at this backyard

and these two wonderful sisters in the zombie gnome and the spooky shed in the backyard beyond the paint job. So a great experience overall. And looking at this backyard and these two wonderful sisters and the zombie gnome and the spooky shed and the backyard, I, in my approximation of a Zelda Rubenstein from Poltergeist voice, will say,

I pronounce this yard spruced! Zelda Rubenstein was from Poltergeist, Jesse. Got it. The docket is clear and that's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer, our editor, Valerie Moffitt. You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at Judge

John Hodgman. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO, and check out the Maximum Fun subreddit to discuss this episode. You can find that at MaximumFun.reddit.com. Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Now, John, I promised that at the end of this week's program, I would share the latest original song by one of my children. This one is called Knob TVs. It's by my 10-year-old child, Grace. And this song is inspired by my daughter's passion for outdated technology. She's insisting at this time that a knob television is the only thing she wants for Christmas, despite the fact that she understands that knob televisions do not even show over the air television in 2021 when all of our television broadcasts are digital. I think this is something that you must and should honor. And I cannot wait to hear the song. This is you performing the song that is written by Grace, correct?

the song that is written by Grace, correct? Yeah. I think this Nob TV that she's imagining is just going to be on display in her room with the gray static on the screen, like the front window of artists' television access on Valencia Street in my childhood. I think it's a fantastic nightlight and a wonderful curio. So everyone in the world, here is the world debut of the song, which is called Knob TVs, as composed by Grace and performed by Jesse Thorne. We love our knob TVs. We treasure all knob TVs. We worship knob TVs.

We bow down before knob TVs. Wow. That had a feeling of collegiate glee club to it. An almost alma mater feel. I think as performed, it has a more reverential feeling, sort of like a hymnal sort of feel. But I think, you know, in the right glee club context, certainly where you went to college, where I think all glee clubs meet up in like a mausoleum or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah,

sure. Mausoleum you. Uh-huh. Yeah. All right. Make sure I get a copy of that. Jennifer Marmer. I'm going to see if I can get the whiff and boost to do an arrangement.

Yeah. We love our knob TVs. We treasure all knob TVs. We worship knob TVs. We worship knob TVs. We bow down for knob TVs.