Judge John Hodgman - Fearing the Shocket

Episode Date: October 25, 2023

Happy Spooky Season! This week, Paul F. Tompkins joins Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse to talk Halloween disputes. How do you pronounce Reese's Pieces? And why are the Judge, Bailiff, and Paul trapped in the studio with Spirit Halloween animatronics? And what does Aidan from the Spirit Halloween Fan Wiki have to do with this? There's just one way to find out!Judge John Hodgman’s Van Freaks Roadshow is on! Visit vanfreaksroadshow.com for ticket links, other dates, cities, and more information! And SUBMIT YOUR CASES along the tour route at maximumfun.org/jjho! 

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week, fearing the shock. Fearing the shock. That's what it says in my script, so I'm obliged to read it. It's scary, because why, Jesse? Because it's our Halloween episode. Spooky day. Hi, I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. Halloween.

I am Dale. Spooky night. Jesse Thorne. Halloween. And with me is the legendary harvester of souls himself, Judge John Hodgman. Good evening, listeners. It is I, Judge John Hodgman. It's Halloween time.

Scary time. Time to dig deep into that big plastic pumpkin head full of Halloween disputes that you submitted. And together we will all take a big bite out of the razor blade concealing apple of justice. Jesse Thorne, are you ready? Let's get into the docket. Here is a case from DG in Lincoln, Nebraska. I recently listened to an episode of the podcast, How Did This Get Made? with special guest Paul F. Tompkins. Paul and one of the hosts, Jason Manzoukas, were discussing a well-known Halloween candy. Imagine my horror when they both asserted that the correct pronunciation of the name of this candy is Reese's Pieces.

I can't even begin to understand this delusion, but I know those two will never back down. All right. I don't like this letter. It's mostly an ad for another podcast. Yeah, I don't even see how we could address this without having Paul F. Tompkins actually here. Well, you know what, Jesse? Hang on just one second.

I think I might just have a surprise for you. Hello? Paul F. Tompkins? What are you doing here? Paul F. Tompkins? What are you doing here? Paul F. Tompkins, what are you doing here, Paul? Hi. Well, I received a letter saying that I would inherit a million dollars if I could spend the night in a haunted podcast studio.

Did you guys get the same letter? Yes, I got that letter. That's why I'm here, too. Exactly. Now, John, did you trick Paul F. Tompkins into coming onto our podcast? Well, yeah, I did. You know, you could have just asked me. I mean, is this podcast studio even haunted? No, Paul. I'm really sorry about all this.

And is this podcast studio even haunted? No, Paul. I'm really sorry about all this. Well, then what? Well, I accept your apology. But then what are all those creepy dolls doing on the piano over there? Those creepy dolls on the piano? They're just my friends, Paul.

They're just my very good friends. Huh. Okay. Can you unlock the door and let me go now? I would, Paul. But unfortunately, as you can see, I can't unlock the door. I can't reach it because Jesse and I are handcuffed to radiators on the opposite side of the room right now. Oh, I didn't notice that. Yeah, we woke up this way.

Yeah, we don't know how we got here. We were just going about our business and then we got drugged or something. We woke up here this morning. It's frankly, it's terrifying. What movie are we in now? Don't don't don't ask too many questions. It'll only make him angry. Who?

Oh, no, he's angry. Who? Oh, no. He's angry. Paul, he's angry. Would you please answer that scary black phone on the wall? We can't reach it because of the radiators. Fine. Yellow. Ah, Paul F. Tompkins, the famous comedian.

I did not intend to make you play my little game, but perhaps it is for the best. Can you put it on speaker, Paul? I'm on it. Okay. I have to put it on speaker. Who is this? It is I, Aiden,

keeper of the Spirit Halloween fan wiki. I trust you have heard of me? No. I am the teenager in Pennsylvania who is a huge fan of the spirit halloween store for years judge john hodgman and jesse thorn have called me in my basement lair to discuss the latest in spirit halloween scares and provide free content for their podcast i'm gonna mute you for just one second guys is, is this true? Yeah.

It was good exposure. He was a teenager and we called him for free content, but it was good exposure for him. Oof. Not a good look. Oh, hey, and you're back. What's going on? It's time for you to get revenge or something? Ha ha ha ha.

Correct, Paul F. Tompkins. Ha ha ha! Correct, Paul F. Tompkins. No longer shall I be the spirit Halloween animatronic skeleton dancing and barfing and sucking out mannequin souls for John and Jesse's amusement. Now they must dance for me! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I don't want to suck souls.

Shut your pie hole. I charge you with this task, podcasters. Rule on 13 Halloween disputes before the chime strikes midnight, or you shall never leave this room. Okay, bye-bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. 13? I've only got like three good ones. Yeah, we barely have any. That's why I tricked Paul F. Tompkins into coming here, to waste time. Mission accomplished. Wait.

What's that noise? Why is it getting louder? What's that noise? I don't know, but it's getting closer. Paul, quickly. Is it Reese's Pieces or Reese's Pieces? It's Reese's Pieces. There's no way it's not.

Why? That doesn't make any sense. I know, but it's just the way that it is. It's Reese's Pieces. He said you would never back down and you won't. Oh, no. And now we're going to... Now we're going to...

That thing is going to kill us. I can't help it. We'll be back in just a second with more of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen?

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're Made In, Made In. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders of Rohan Duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in.

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available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Just to fill you in, Aiden, the spirit Halloween kid, has trapped us in the studio with special guest Paul F. Tompkins, and we have to clear 13 Halloween cases or else we will starve to death chained to these radiators. Wait, it's just 12 now, right? Doesn't the Reese's Pieces

thing count? Reese's Pieces, Paul. And yes, it counts, Jesse. It counts. Okay, so 12. Anyway, just before the break, a creepy animatronic from Aiden's collection just entered the studio through a crawlspace and scared us. But now it is out of batteries and it's dead on the floor. I'm examining its corpse now. It's a 9.8 foot cord, four and a half feet tall, sharp teeth. I believe this particular animatic is named Toothy the Clown. Now on sale for $212. How much are you getting from Spirit Halloween for this episode again?

No time for questions, Paul. It looks like there's something between this animatronic's teeth, a piece of paper. Look at this. It's a dispute from Reddit user Spooces. Here we go. Our neighborhood gets hundreds of trick-or-treaters every Halloween. My spouse believes we should buy the good stuff, even if that means buying less candy. If we run out of candy quickly and turn out the lights early, that's okay. I think we should buy a mix of filler and the good stuff. That way, more kids get to trick or treat at our house. Paul F. Tompkins, you grew up in Philadelphia, correct? That's right.

What did you get mostly for Halloween? Water ice or no? Yeah, it was a lot of water ice, a lot of hoogies, Scrapple. What was Halloween like in Philadelphia for you? It was like the, in terms of candy, it was the staples for sure. When you say staples, do you mean 9-volt batteries or actual staples?

Actual staples. Right. Yeah, it was a big office supply town. That's our number one export. A protractor. I feel like when they make a new candy, it takes a long time for older candies to go away so i think like when i was a kid it's all the same candy that we have now but it was fewer gummy things like gummy things had not yet come into their own um you had your like your swedish fish

and stuff like that but um mostly it was about the chocolate. It was about like the fun size, you know, three musketeers, Snickers, that family of, of candy bar. And the,

and the, of course the Hershey's miniatures. Yeah. And the, the single pack Reese's cup, Reesey cup, as we used to call them. No,

it's Reese's pieces for sure. But I can say Reese's cup. Reesey Cup, as we used to call them. No, it's Reesey's Pieces for sure. But I can say Reese's Cup. Got it. There's no internal consistency to this. It's Reesey's Pieces. It's just Reesey's Pieces. That's just what it is. That's just what it is.

Some things will never change. Sometimes there has to be some magic in the world, Judge Hodgman. That's exactly right. Speaking of introduction to new candies, Paul, do you remember when whatchamacallit came out john i absolutely do there was a big push for it on tv commercials and boy oh boy did that ever work on me a child new candy bar how do i get my hands this? Did you know that they came up with a sequel candy bar? This is not a joke. Thingamajig?

Who's he what's it? No. Yeah. Who's he what's it? It was a candy bar. Are you kidding me? You can still get it. I don't know when it came out, but fairly recently.

What? And it was a contest for whatchamacallit heads to name the sequel. And it was candy bar. It says right on the package, candy bar named by Lisa M. And it's chocolate, chocolatey crisps and peanut butter candy bar. It's more chocolate than the crisps than the whatchamacallit. So when you were growing up, both of you, what counted as the good stuff? And what was the filler?

Reese's peanut butter cups is the good stuff and what was the filler reese's peanut butter cups is the good stuff absolutely the filler was things like smarties which were like these are i will eventually get to these but they are not they're not high on the on the agenda and to be clear we're talking about there's a british candy called smarties which yes people on the internet seem to think are pretty good but we're talking about the the little the little cylinder of tiny little pills yes i think the definition of filler candy to me is that giant bag manufactured by the tootsie roll corporation that has like vanilla tootsie rolls in it no one wants any of that i will say that i never liked tootsie rolls and still don't but i did like the variety of those flavored those other flavored ones i like i like the fruity ones yeah yeah yeah yeah

it will not surprise either of you to learn that when we took it to the internet uh tootsie rolls was the number one filler candy reported by people who follow us on social media. Wow. And not surprisingly, because they're disgusting, they don't taste good, and they look and are the texture of a bowel blockage. But here's something that is surprising. There was lots of black licorice on the list of filler candy because, you know, that's a heavy flavor for a

child yeah but two people said twizzlers were filler candy do you agree or disagree i think any licorice is filler candy but jesse thorn you like a twizzler i really like twizzlers i like their waxy texture and their weird combination of flavorfulness and flavorlessness. But I honestly think that they're second tier, but they're not filler. I mean, the first tier, obviously, the pinnacle is obviously Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Below that is your higher quality candy bars, which would be like your Snickers and your Three Musketeers. your higher quality candy bars, which would be like your,

your Snickers and your three musketeers. Um, and certainly if you got, I mean, it would be an incredible Halloween where you to get like take five bars. Right. I mean, what a gift that would be. That would be pretty hot.

I would say, or kid, kid cat dark is good too. Paul, you were going to say something. I would say that the, like the Hershey's miniatures would be sort of a second tier because they were so small, but they would still other than the special dark, which as a child was disgusting. And as an adult is just not that good.

Those were like, okay, I still got these. These are my emergency rations. But I remember things like mary jane's do you remember mary jane's which is like such a boardwalk empire candy um just weird what is it what is the flavor just like maple or something i don't know i think that hershey's variety is you've characterized it perfectly, Paul. It is an emergency ration, but a sufficient one. I would argue there's a reason that it's not called Mr. Great Bar. It's fine. It's Mr. Fine Bar. It's fine. It's good. It's just fine. You would never go to the store to buy it.

Well, so all right. Black licorice, Tootsie Rolls, even Twizzlers, they're second rate. Here are some of the other suggestions from the internet. Will any of you stand up for these filler candies and say they're actually first tier? Candy corn. Candy corn is trash, garbage, filler, right? Candy corn is the edible Easter grass. You have to have it there. Right. Yeah. Right. For appearances. It's to have it there. Right.

For appearances. It's a visual signifier. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Halloween is happening and it's gross. Circus peanuts. Ugh!

No one gives that out. It's banana flavored. Why is it banana flavored? They don't even count as food. All right, fair. Circus peanuts is out. Good and plenty? Oh, garbage. Yeah, garbage. Garbage, right? Because licorice flavored, is it not? Anise, that anise flavor. No kid wants it. food all right fair circus beans is out good and plenty oh garbage yeah garbage right because

licorice flavored is it not anise that anise flavor no kid wants it exactly here's another adult one score bar score bar oh i love filler no i think score bars is top tier at the moon worm i think on instagram says milk duds are filler. No, no. You disagree. I don't know. Here. I feel like nothing that is, you know, good old American processed chocolate is filler. A milk duds are gross though.

They're great. They're great. Well, I'd gladly trade my milk duds. I'd go two for one for something good. Yeah. You'll be, you'll be happy to hear paul that at

the underscore moon worm doesn't hate milk duds for milk duds simply the fact that the milk duds fun size box contains quote just like four duds yeah yeah that is a good point step it up to eight duds yeah i gotta say though i think they were trying to help us out you don't need more than four milk tubs they take a long time to eat what about york peppermint patties oh i love your peppermint patty york peppermint patties are good all right because they were like they were like an off off the beaten track kind of thing you know they see they seemed kind of grown up because they were only grown-ups in the in the ads. Yeah. You know, it was like they would bite into it and then they would be, but you know,

buried in a snow bank. Yeah. That's McDitty pops. McDitty pop on the internet said that the problem with these that made them filler is that they're for adults. They were advertised to adults. It's a strong flavor in the ads. You would take a bite of York peppermint patty and be like hit in the face

with a blizzard and smile or whatever. Exactly. But a York peppermint patty and be like hit in the face with a blizzard and smile or whatever. But a York peppermint patty is a classic refrigerator or freezer candy, which is which is the kind of experimentation that you can get involved in when you have a whole bag of candy. Yeah. But let's go. Let's settle this now for for Reddit user Spoozes. Should you put only the good stuff out and end Halloween early if necessary?

Or do you mix in some filler if only to give some kids some breadth of knowledge of what all kinds of gross candy bars are out there? Here's my question. Are they saying that in addition to the normal amount

of the good stuff they would buy, they would also purchase extra bags of filler so that the candy supply overall lasts longer? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Just buy more of the good stuff. I'm with Paul on this one. If you're buying additional candy to make it last longer,

just buy more of the stuff you're already buying. I feel really strongly that if you live in a Halloween neighborhood, if you're lucky enough, as far as I'm concerned, to live in a Halloween neighborhood. And God, I hope you are. Enjoy the experience of only one time a year getting to see all those adorable children and their adorable costumes. I think you can make the room in your budget for the $35 it will cost to buy the good stuff. Yeah. And this one goes out to all the people who wrote in saying, my spouse or partner or friend or whatever feels I should buy more candy, but I don't want to waste the money. It's garbage. It's all garbage. Yeah. Like even if you have to buy nowadays, they put the filler into big combo bags with the good stuff.

Yes, that's right. So it's almost unavoidable to buy the filler, buy extra bags of that and then throw the filler away. I understand that it's wasteful, but it's all garbage. It was garbage when it was born. It is garbage when it goes to the garbage. Just throw that stuff away and put in the good stuff. I agree.

Treat those kids. Don't trick them. And by the way, we're just presuming that those kids are going to have adorable costumes. Some of them might not be adorable at all. And that's why you want to take pictures of all of them. Because one day, one day that kid may be a senator that you want to cancel. So just hang on to the photos. Because one day, one day that kid may be a senator that you want to cancel. So just hang on to the photos.

You can use Charleston Chew to insulate your walls like old blue jeans. Oh, I hear something. It sounds like creepy, mushy footsteps and moans. Whoops. Here comes a bog zombie. Oh, another one of Aiden's cursed animatronics. And looks like he has a dispute sticking out of the muck around his neck. This one, it says, is from Chad in Edmonds, Washington.

I request a cease and desist on any kind of wearing a uniform as a costume on Halloween. Starbucks worker, cheerleader, any sports uniform. I say it's lazy. I answer the door in a full ape costume and throw banana Laffy Taffy at the kids. I expect some effort if I'm giving up free candy. Paul? I do not like when a person assumes or presumes that the children have to do something to earn the candy yes here's what

they did they got born the end yeah this is kid it's hard to be a kid you gotta just give them candy this is their thing yeah if you want to if you want to go the extra mile inside your own home and show you know open the door in a costume and all that uh you know we could we could debate banana laffy taffy as something that kids have to earn all day but yeah talk about filler yeah but i mean you just if the kids if the kid makes it there you you give them something that's that's what it is you don't you don't like well where's trick? You have to do a trick, which I hate when people, first of all, adults, no, they don't have to do a trick.

Secondly, that's on you. It's either you give me a treat or I will do a trick on you. I don't do that. You don't make me do a trick for you. The trick happens to you if you don't fork over that treat. Yeah, exactly. If the kid comes and they're dressed as uh i don't know what someone working at subway or whatever truly one

of the most terrifying costumes if you think about it yeah and chad is there in his ape costume going like hmm pretty lazy kid well that's when you tp him that's when you do the trick that's the trick also if a little kid is in a Starbucks uniform that's a costume that little child doesn't work at Starbucks this touches a really deep nerve for me guys why I don't know if I've shared this

on this program but when I was about 10 years old I spent the entire month of October with the help of my mother and her friend Mark Farmer building a costume that was guy with a shark biting his head off. It involved a chicken wire armature and spray painted foam and shoulder mount. So it was essentially on. It's rested on top of my soldiers with its tail up in the air, if you could imagine.

It was like a giant full shark shaped helmet that went over your whole head and shoulders. Exactly. And then I wore an Aloha shirt and shorts and so forth. Sure. And some blood. In the Columbia Park Boys Club costume contest, the stakes of which were very high. First prize, I think, was a bunch of passes to Marine World Africa USA. Second prize, set of steak knives. I finished second. Third prize, you're fired.

I finished second to a guy who just wore his dad's cop outfit. Wow. Cop outfit. outfit and i ended up getting a case of diet cherry seven up and a case of carnation instant breakfast a second prize that's the absolute filler right there oh my gosh was this a costume contest for adults and you shouldn't have been there it was yeah diet soda and carnation instant breakfast i really think there was just a dusty old storeroom at the columbia park boys club sure they went in there and they found a case of carnation instant breakfast right 1978 you win this pound of sugar-free Brock's candy balls. Exactly. It was a really dark time in my childhood. I have a question.

So wait a minute. How old were you when you did this costume, Jesse? About 10. So the person who won wore his own father's policeman's uniform? Yeah, and he was about my age. 9, 10. Was he very tall or was his dad a child cop? No, he looked like a police officer slash 1920s clown with like...

Super long sleeves. Yeah, and... Like a cop who was Benjamin Buttoning. Exactly. I don't think he had the, you know, gun or nightstick or anything. Well, put it that way. He really did earn those insured dietary supplements. Man, he was probably getting splashed by orcas and just thinking about how pathetic I was for trying to make a costume instead of just wearing my dad's outfit from work.

Imagine if I had showed up at the Columbia Park Boys Club dressed in my father's nonprofit fundraising consultant outfit. Frankly, that should be your Halloween costume this year. What are you dressed as? Veterans peace activist. I'm going to dress as my dad,

former head of the Department of Employment Security under Mike Dukakis in Massachusetts, 1978. Hey, Chad, good for you for dressing up fancy and throwing Laffy Taffy at kids. But Paul F. Tompkins is exactly right. On Halloween, you work for the kids. Exactly.

The kids don't work for you. You never know what's going on in someone else's life. So don't call them lazy just because they're wearing a uniform. Judge Hodgman, it just so happens that I was rooting around in the Bog Zombies empty eye socket, the sickeningly terrifying empty eye socket. And I found a dispute from Chrissy in Los Angeles. Let's hear it. My friends are having an alien themed Halloween party, not the movie franchise, just anything extraterrestrial. The problem is this.

I had my heart set on going as Endora from Bewitched. I think fantasy witches like Endora should count as aliens. They have supernatural powers and tend to be otherworldly. My friends disagree. Would it be weird to show up as my favorite TV mother-in-law? be weird to show up as my favorite TV mother-in-law. Since aggressively shaking your head in disgust is a perfectly valid answer to this and yet does not does not show up on our audio feed. Paul F. Tompkins, will you take it from facial expression all the way to words for us? Chrissy, I'm very sorry, but you must not do this. When somebody wants to have a theme for a party, it only works if everybody adheres to the theme. That's the fun of it, is that you look around and there's all variations

on this theme. And if you're stretching it that far, it's not as much fun. It's not, you know, the idea is that you're all doing the same thing and that might seem like a pain in the ass a lot of the time where you're like i don't want to i don't want to do that i don't want to have to people have parties and it's like everyone has to wear a hat and you might not be a hat person you might not want to wear a hat but you got to wear that hat you know what i mean or don't go but you can't you either go and you you you support the theme or you don't, you either go and you support the theme or you don't go. You can't find loopholes or stretch it or whatever. Witches are not aliens.

They tend to be otherworldly though, Paul. That can mean so many things. That could be Mikhail Baryshnikov. Exactly. So I feel like a witch is just not an alien. That's not, that's's not they're from this world i absolutely promise you that without too much googling i could find someone who has called in to coast to coast am to claim that indeed the salem witch trials was an alien invasion

i have no doubt of that but that is but i i fully support what you're saying paul is that the kind of reasoning you want to use as a person do you know what i mean witches are not aliens you know what the theme is and paul i venture to ask you person who remembers and and got a lot of old television into their head because you grew up during the uhf era. That's right. In this year, 2023, when we have streaming, when we have so much competing for our time, would an Indora costume even work at a Halloween party? I feel like Indora, if you were to wear that costume today, it wouldn't look that much like a costume, actually. It would just look like somebody kind of dressed up for an event

because, you know, the fashion was very sort of flowy, not not quite muumuu's, but more fashionable than that. But like very flowy, silken, satiny garments and stuff like that. And she had this this red sort of bouffant and she had very elaborate eye makeup. And if you saw somebody, if you didn't know that show and you saw somebody dressed like that, you would think, oh, are they going to an event of some kind? Are they going to be on some red carpet somewhere? If I saw someone dressed in this costume, I think I would think that they were doing like a drag Julie Klausner. I didn't realize that she was played by, and Dora was played by legendary actor Agnes Moorhead. That's correct.

And she did have that very striking blue eyeshadow. Yes. I bet if you went to this party, people would just say, I don't know, what are you, kooky Instagram fashion influencer? Are you on your way to another party? They'd say to themselves, gosh, I don't know what character you are. You're some kind of alien. Gosh, I don't know what character you are. You're some kind of alien.

I would say to Chrissy that if you dressed as Agnes Moorhead dressed as Endora. And then you just put on a couple of like antennae. You know what I mean? Like you put a little some moon man antennae on top of your head that you could just say, I'm the I'm the I'm the queen of Venus and everyone would be happy. That you could just say, I'm the queen of Venus and everyone would be happy. Paul and Jesse, if we were to host a theme party, which is UHF television shows shown in the 80s, but dating back to the 60s, 50s, 40s or whatever it was, who would you go as? I'm going to go. I'll give you a hint. I'm going to go as Frank Nelson from the Jack Benny show.

Yes. as frank nelson from the jack benny show yes i mean if you're looking for ease and comfort you can't beat the professor from gilligan's island that's good shirt pants sneakers you're done yeah you'd probably have to bring a radio made out of a coconut just so people would get it if you want to go that far i mean if you But if the theme is old TV shows, I suppose. If you're doing that costume in the first place, you're obviously trying to cheat. But it's an acceptable, I feel like it's an acceptable cheat on that theme.

Yeah. I think I might, my version of that cheat would of course be Gomez Adams from the Adams family. Oh, you would be such a good Gomez. Already got a mustache, put on a suit. Jesse Thorne, do you have any 50s, 60s TV show characters that you would go as?

Well, I'm a millennial, so UHF television was mostly from the 70s and 80s when I was a kid. And I think I might go with maybe Reverend Jim. Wow. There we go. That's perfect. Reverend Jim.

Distinctive outfit. We actually have a story from another friend of the court, Elizabeth Gilbert, who I had forgotten the details. And I probably told this story before about someone who showed up at a costume party in entirely the wrong costume. party in entirely the wrong costume uh and i asked liz if she could remind me of the details and she did us the favor of simply recording it into a voice memo which we'll play now so i met a guy at a party like 30 years ago around a keg of beer and he told me that his little brother was an artist and he came from this like blue collar family where nobody was an artist but his brother wanted to be an artist. And he had gone to, instead of going to trade school,

he'd gone to Paris to learn how to be a painter and to live on the left bank and enjoy all of that. And while he was in Paris, he met this group of young, friendly French aristocrats, which seems like a contradiction in terms, but they were all of those things. They were young, they were friendly, they were French, and they were aristocrats, which seems like a contradiction in terms that they were all of those things. They were young, they were friendly, they were French, and they were aristocrats. And he met them in some bar and they loved him and thought he was very charming and interesting, this blue-collar kid from somewhere outside of Boston trying to be an artist. So one of the aristocrats had an uncle who was a count or a duke or a lord of some sort with a castle in the Loire River Valley.

And they invited, they said every year he has this masquerade ball. You can't miss it. If you're going to see one amazing thing in Europe, you have to see this. There's going to be actual proud heads of Europe there. Everybody is in costume. It's amazing. heads of Europe there. Everybody is in costume. It's amazing. And so he rented a car and he spent the whole week scavenging around Paris for ingredients to construct this incredible costume that he was going to wear to this fall. He found the castle. He got there a little late. He parked

near the woods, changed into his costume, went and knocked on the door. The butler opened and he said his name was on the list. And indeed it was. And the butler took him to the ballroom and opened up the big doors of the ballroom. And there he was standing at the top of the stairs looking down at this incredible event. And that was the point at which he realized there'd been some mistranslation. It was indeed a costume party, but it was a themed costume party. And the theme was a medieval court. And everybody was dressed in incredible brocade and silk and,

and do blaze and actual crowns with actual jewels. And it was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen. And our friend was dressed as a lobster. He was also six foot six and very skinny. And he had huge antennae and these massive foam articulated claws. And he had a moment of, do you just run? What do you do? Do you just run? But you do do you just run but everybody had already

spotted him and then he had this realization which was like well this is what i have to offer right like this is what i did this is what i made this is the only thing i have i love my costume i i'm just gonna go i love it so he crossed the threshold and entered the ball and the music stopped and people gathered around. And as I remember it, the queen of Belgium said to him, what are you? And he bowed from the waist and said, I am the court lobster. Thank you. That's a great story from Liz Gilbert that starts out sounding like a horror movie. Frankly, someone should write the horror movie about a guy who gets taken in by a bunch of friendly,

beautiful, young French aristocrats and tempted to a party and then gets eaten, boiled alive and eaten. But in any case, oh no, that phone is ringing again. Hello? It's 1145. Only 15 minutes left. And you've only ruled on three cases. Damn you, Aiden.

The Reese's Pieces thing counts. Reese's Pieces. And we have to plug the shows that we're about to do. Now it's 14 minutes. We'll be right back with Paul F. Tompkins on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney.

I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I.

It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go.

Judge Hodgman, we're taking a quick break from the docket. Paul F. Tompkins, you, of course, are perhaps America's most legendary comedy podcaster, the host and co-host of numerous brilliant comedy podcasts, including, what are we looking at? Stay of homekins, freedom, the neighborhood. Listen to name, but a few that are current. What else have you got going on? You're going to be alive in person anywhere. Well, let me tell you, you can find me on the worldwide web Sunday, the 29th of October,

when I'll be joining the hosts of too scary. Didn't watch, um, a wonderful podcast that i'm a huge fan of and we will be recapping the pope's exorcist live online then november friday the 17th i'll be in charleston south carolina bringing my variety show varietopia there for the very first time uh i believe tickets are just about sold out if not completely sold out for the early show. So get tickets for the late show. And that's about it. Go to paulftompkins.com slash live for all of my tickety links. Now, listen, if you are, if you're a listener in Brooklyn and you went to go see Varietopia in the bell house, you know that the bell house is now moldering ruins because

that show just not brought the house down also because it rained also it rained and no the bell house still stands and it is inspected every year for safety it's a good structure it does not collapse in the rain but the shows were incredible and so i charge you the listeners with this if you were at this show you know how good it was. You need to get on social media. You need to get on email. You need to get on the phone and tell your friends who can reach Charleston, get to the shows in Charleston. It's a big mistake. If you do not go, it's always better when you're there. Paul F. Tompkins, you're the best. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. We're going on tour. We've been on tour and we're going back out on the road starting October 29th.

We're looking at Atlanta, Georgia, Durham, North Carolina, Charlottesville, Virginia, Washington, D.C., Portland, Maine, Boston, Massachusetts, and of course, the grand finale in Brooklyn, New York City. All of those dates and ticket links online at vanfreaksroadshow.com. vanfreaksroadshow.com. And we're going to have all kinds of fun and surprises. Chuck Bryant is going to be from Stuff You Should Know will join us in Atlanta. He's going to be playing some tunes and chatting with us.

All kinds of Jamel Bowie is going to be joining us on Halloween in Charlottesville, Virginia. Linda Holmes will be joining us in D.C. plus other special guests. And of course, that big show in Brooklyn, it's at the Murmur Opera House and we're going to have a grand old time and you don't even know what's coming. Can I ask you a question? Did you intentionally book someone

that has Boo in their name for Halloween? Yes, Paul. I guess we did. I mean, my hat's off to you. Jemele Bowie's a brilliant writer uh contributes incredible essays to the op-ed section of the new york times also an incredible photographer uh also an incredible film maven and podcaster himself but also a a renowned expert and tester of different cereals and i don't know when the last time he did a taste test of Count Chocula was,

but I think we're going to have to do that at Halloween on our show in Charlottesville, Virginia. Don't you think, Jesse? This is like, you know how when you're in the entertainment industry and you have children, you're just desperate that one thing that you do, one person you meet, one show you get to make a guest appearance on, one person you write a joke for, whatever it is, just one of those things is going to impress your children. Yes. The only thing that I could ever do that would impress any of my children is have Jamel Bowie do a breakfast cereal review on Judge John Hodgman,

which will absolutely floor my daughter, Grace. Hey, make sure you floor Jesse's children and have a good time yourself. Go to vanfreaksroadshow.com. Submit your cases, particularly for Atlanta and Brooklyn right now. We still are looking for cases. We've got some. We need more at vanfreaksroadshow.com. There's a link there to maximumfund.org slash JJHO for cases.

And I charge you, the listener, if you're in any of our shows in Lexington or Madison or St. Paul or Chicago or Austin, and you had a good time, tell your friends, go to vanfreaksroadshow.com, have them join us in the cities we got coming up. It's going to be a really good time. I'm just getting this word in my ear right now. Joel Mann and the Night and Day Trio will be joining us in Portland, Maine, to provide musical accompaniment and a dispute with Joel's own human wife, who's a whole human being in her own right.

VanFreaksRoadShow.com. It's a good time, and we hope to see you there. It's better when you're there. Let's get back to the docket. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We are handcuffed to radiators here at MaxFunHQ and clearing out the Halloween docket with friend of the court, Paul F. Tompkins. So we now have like about 12 minutes to rule on 10 more Halloween disputes or else we will starve to death in Aiden's death trap.

Well, I mean, not me because I'm not handcuffed so I could eat either one of you or both. Okay, well, I'm going to say let's hope it doesn't come to that. Doesn't look like Aiden is sending any more animatronics in here with cases,

so I'm going to go to the mailbox. Here's something from Reddit user Justahominid. My wife and I devote the month of October to watching scary movies. We have a cute name for it. We call it Scary Movie Month. Wow. But now my wife is starting to suggest we watch scary movies any time of year. I think this makes Scary Movie Month less special. Who's right? Paul, do you have a top scary movie this this halloween season i am a fan of uh mike flanagan's uh horror series i'm halfway through the latest one and enjoying it

very much um but we also do a scary movie month um we don't necessarily watch one every day but that's all we that's kind of all we watch during uh october um so i i feel like you can watch them any time of year if come october you're exclusively watching scary movies oh okay sometimes a horror movie comes out in march and as strange as that is it's like what are you gonna wait that long to watch a movie you might be interested in watching i think you should watch it i think you should watch them when you want to watch them what is your favorite one that you always watch every every halloween time an old classic a new classic oh man um i'll tell you for me and obviously the person who directed this movie is a literal monster but i still watch rosemary's baby oh sure every every halloween another movie directed by that same monster and starring literal monster, but I still watch Rosemary's baby. Oh, sure. Every, every Halloween.

Another movie directed by that same monster and starring that monster is the tenant, which is, Oh, I've never seen that. Oh, it is. I tell you what, I have blocked out everything about it because it is one of the most unsettling movies I've ever seen. Yeah. One of my favorite Halloween seasons I may have discussed it before is when our daughter was just old enough to start watching scary movies. Maybe 10 or 11, I feel like. And I'm like, you definitely want to check out David Cronenberg's The Brood. Truly one of the scariest movies I've ever seen. Truly disturbing movie, largely about parenting and bad

parenting and i was embodying it it was one of those moments where i think it was just the right amount above her pay grade she was very scared but she was also very intrigued because she was like why would my father think i would like this that was the question that's the real horror yeah that's the real horror that's a movie that i started to watch and then it was so of its time that i was like i don't know if i can concentrate on really yeah i've always felt like i have to go back and try again with that well because i feel like it's you come for the murderous little troglodyte children in pastel colored uh jumpers didn't even get to them but you stay what i swear to, I got like 10 minutes into that

movie. To me, you come back for the wild 70s fashions and not just 70s fashions, but Ontarian, Canadian 70s interior designs and incredibly shaggy carpets. It was great. I love it. Jesse, how do you feel about the idea of scary movie month versus scary movie year? it. Jesse, how do you feel about the idea of scary movie month versus scary movie year? Because of my daughter's special interests, roughly 18 months ago, I've seen a lot of scary movies. Oh, scary movie, scary movie, two scary movie, three epic movie. Oh, okay. The films, they are not strong. No. What about the best of us? But you don't like horror movies in general. No. Somebody asked me the day before yesterday, I think we might have been together, John, what scary movies I'd like.

And I mentioned that I had really loved the movie The Lighthouse, and they said that's not a horror movie for some reason. Well, who's the person who asked you if you liked scary movies? Was it the killer from Scream? No, it was our tour producer, Laura. Oh, right. Dressed as the killer from Scream. Laura's the killer from Scream? Sorry.

Yeah. Maybe not in the reboot. I'm not sure. You thought she was the lead singer of the band Scout with a K, but she's actually... She's actually the killer from Scream. Yeah, I gotta say, just to hominid, it's fine to watch a scary movie sometime or another outside of Scary Movie Month. As long as you're curating the best Scary Movie Month you can. Yes.

Watch whatever movie you want. Here's a case about decorations from Caitlin in Linfield, Massachusetts. movie you want. Here's a case about decorations from Caitlin in Linfield, Massachusetts. Is it okay to put out realistic horror decorations in kid-heavy neighborhoods? Today, I drove by a house that had on display a life-size Michael Myers with a bloody chainsaw. People like what they like, but are these people going to pay for my children's therapy bills? First of all, this house is terrible and should take this down because Michael Myers doesn't use a chainsaw. That's exactly right. Did I take what you were going to say, Paul? No, you did not.

But you're right. Exactly. Like, get it together. He never used a chainsaw. Not once did he use a chainsaw. Not once. Not even to chop wood. Yeah.

I don't even know if a chainsaw appears in the halloween franchise i know paul and jesse the people in los angeles and by people i mean dana gould and patten oswalt and some others really love decorating for halloween what's the scariest house or the most elaborately decorated house you ever saw at halloween time oh you know what we were in new orleans a few years ago in october and those there was like a street i can't remember which street it was but they these people like went for it there was this very um elaborate uh beetlejuice themed house that had everything you could want it had the the couple with the stretched out faces it had beetlejuice himself it had a big uh striped worm like they they really it was great they they really went for it let me ask

you this question were they handing out zagnut bars yes or no it was not halloween exactly and we were not trick-or-treating so i do not know the answer to that question forget it they're dead to me but i if i may i feel like i have seen so many videos from friends of mine of their little kids seeing scary halloween uh stuff and loving it like they you know they to them it's like they know that these things aren't real and that especially when you're seeing them during the day you know you know that these things are not real you know that they're decorations and i see little kids like really enjoying them and just so you know the person that's going to be responsible for your kids needing therapy is you that's just the way it goes that's parents and children there's no way around that it's not going to be the inflatable oogie

boogie from a nightmare before christmas no no that you see in some yard somewhere it's going to be because of a thing you said that you don't even remember that you said 100 it's going to be because of a thing you said that you don't even remember that you said. 100% it's going to be you, parents. Yeah, I don't know. Jesse, do you remember, was it last year or the year before we had a question for Halloween? And my memory is that the dad liked to dress as the rabbit from Donnie Darko and sit in the middle of a garage like an open garage and he had the candy on the table in front of him and he just sat there motionlessly and the kids had to come in and get the can that to me is a little bit more terrifying yeah i don't i don't really like that but there are there's some people that are very fond of doing that and you know i i i think that you do have to make a decision whether your house is going to be spooky or

spoopy. You're either going to go kind of a cute. You used a word that I'm not familiar with. Spoopy. Spoopy? Yeah. You don't know spoopy? No.

What does that mean? It's like spooky, but cute kind of, you know? Yeah. And if you're going to lean more on jack-o'-lanterns and more cartoony kind of you know yeah and and if you're gonna lean more on jack-o'-lanterns and and more cartoony kind of things then uh sort of more nightmare before christmas as opposed to you know hell house um you know but you want to have a uniformity of design yeah what you want is spooky or very spooky you can even i think err gently on the side of scary yeah but horrifying that's that's the line you know what i'll offer this if you're let's say because i know people are fond of doing this if you're going to lay in wait for children in a costume or in a in

a barrel or whatever it is you have set up um where the kids have to come to you to get the candy, you do have to go, you have to make a judgment on how old are these kids? Can they handle this? If they're like tweens or whatever, yeah, jump out at them. If they're little kids, you just sit there like you actually are a statue and you don't move.

And make that a fun challenge for you uh rather than challenging these small children yeah don't move and shut up for once that's a good challenge for most adults especially dads i would i would say i would say that paul is exactly right and i think that that's what we determined with regard to and people will write me letters but with regard to donnie darko in the garage, that the dad had to make a determination as to whether the kids could handle it or not. But I'm going to say, here's a rule of thumb. It's not a law, but it's a rule of severed thumb for Halloween. And that is, everyone understands that the front of your house during trick or treat times is a theater.

It is a show place. The porch, the yard, the steps up to your door, the stoop, the stoop. Like, what if you want to make it stoopy? That's all. That's all theater. Right. And I think that you can probably convey even to small kids, this is all just part of the show. And you can probably go pretty hard scare in the theatrical realm, which is the public space in front of your home.

But luring kids into a garage, I don't care what day of the year it is, that's not a good look ever. I don't care what day of the year it is. That's not a good look ever. I would say jumping out of a secret place or luring them into a private space as part of your game is probably something you should set aside. I don't know. Maybe it's a tradition in your neighborhood. I don't want to get your letters, but that's my good rule of severed thumb. You can use that if you want.

Thank you. I don't know if this counts as a whole case. We're running out of time. Steven in Minneapolis writes, is shooting fog from a fog machine at kids as they walk up to the house too spooky or rude? Shooting a fog machine at kids. Shooting it at them. That's cool to me. Yeah. Don't shoot anything at kids.

Is it like a jet of fog it's like a surprise it's a oh one of those kind of things is it a single proof jesse you've seen this in action no but i'm imagining what it is and i think i support it i think it is uh not too scary uh mostly just fun i don't think it's too scary uh i think it is not too scary. Mostly just fun. I don't think it's too scary. I think it's fun. I would, if it were me, I would opt for a nice layer of fog on the ground. And I would shoot air at them much in the way the poison darts are simulated in the Indiana Jones ride.

I think that sounds good. darts are simulated in the Indiana Jones ride. I think that sounds good. I would take the, I would take a baseline of fog, shoot air at them, like in the Indiana Jones ride, and then drip a bunch of water on them. Like every ride at Universal Studios for some reason. Like, why am I getting dripped on in the mummy? There's a lot of dripping. But yes, but I would also say, Stephen in Minneapolis, read the ingredients in your fog juice.

Yeah. Before you start shooting fog jets into kids' faces, for example. I'm not an expert, but it seems to me like you might want to keep that stuff down Paul F. Tompkins style around ankle level. I'm not sure whether you're suggesting about poofing it in their faces, but if you poof anything in anyone's face, read the ingredients, make sure that it's safe. I say you never want to obscure anyone's vision with any of the things that

you do. Oh, really? Oh, because we have a tradition in my neighborhood where I dress up as Slenderman and I wait until the kids are at my door. Then I come from my neighbor's house and I put my arms, put my hands in front of their eyes.

That's different. And then I drag them my neighbor's house and I put my arms, put my hands in front of their eyes. That's different. And then I drag them into a different apartment. Yeah, that's. That's fun, right? It's all in good fun. That's the Slender Man motto. It's all in good fun, gang. Here's one from Reddit user Patrick Morgan 08.

I find Halloween decorations to be extraordinarily tacky. Apologies to the nice young man who has the spirit Halloween wiki. Patrick Morgan 08. I find Halloween decorations to be extraordinarily tacky. Apologies to the nice young man who has the spirit Halloween wiki. My wife loves Halloween decorations. How do we decide on how to decorate? I don't want anything more than a tasteful harvest season display. If it were up to her, we'd have a 12-foot skeleton. Oh, no. Well, first of all, I just want to say the nice young man who has the Spirit Halloween wiki is really nice.

And Halloween decorations are great, especially all the great animatronics from Spirit Halloween, whether it's Harvester of Souls or Dangerous Dolly or Murderous Clown, whatever it is. It's terrific. And no one should ever slander them. And frankly, Patrick Morgan, 08, you go into the cornfield. murderous clown whatever it is it's terrific and and no one should ever slander them and frankly uh uh patrick morgan uh oh eight you go into the cornfield you're bad uh aiden is good but uh but are there any are there any just uh hypothetically are there any uh uh compromise positions between scary and simply seasonal like a haunted cornucopia yeah like a haunted cornucopia it's filled with little skulls

we just got rich paul's not a bad idea um i i would say if where you are is tasteful harvest season display and your wife is a 12-foot skeleton i would go uh gothic i would i would have little there's little you could have like um you know like your sort of harvest you know colors and everything but you could also have like a fake raven or something like that you know what i mean like there's things that you can do like you could have a skull that as a as a candle holder you know like there are things that are not that look a little more um edgar allen growing up yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah which still look they can still look kind of tasteful without being um you know as uh as obvious as some of the other stuff oh no no no no no it't be. It can't be midnight already. Jesse Thorne, check your watch. What time is it?

Here's one from Marie Bardi Salinas. Are those giant skeletons from Home Depot cool or are people just showing off? Both. Do we have any money? Oh, no, we're out of time. We've only got seven. We've only done seven. With the Reese's Pieces?

Yes or no? Yeah, with the Reese's Pieces. Oh, and I said it the wrong way, too. Oh, Paul, hand me the phone. Time's up, John and Jesse. But don't worry. I will let Paul F. Tompkins go. Great.

Once he has feasted on your bones. No, not great, Paul. Aiden, Aiden, I'm so sorry. We didn't mean to exploit your content. We like you a lot. And what can we do to get out of this? We'll plug your YouTube channel, youtube.com slash at Aiden K 2004,

youtube.com slash at A-I-D-A-N-K 2004, please. YouTube channel? Do you think I handcuffed you to a radiator just to plug my YouTube channel? I'm not a monster. But I will say this. Every year, I host a haunted house to raise money for our local food pantry. Food insecurity is at an all time high in this country right now. If you encourage your listeners to find their local food pantry and make a donation and then go to my YouTube channel, then I will set you free.

and then go to my YouTube channel, then I will set you free. Ah, the door is unlocked, and my handcuffs just opened. Oh, mine too. We are free. Oh, thank God or whatever. Oh, John, looks like Toothy the Clown came to life and locked the door again.

Oh, and now there are dozens of spirit halloween animatronics coming in through the air ducts there's menacing molly oh the death stalker mr punchy little skelly bones my toys i can't control them anymore they have come to life and are going on a murderous rampage i'm sorry judge john hodgman good Good luck! Damn it, you clowns! Shut your pie holes! Ow! Ow! Mr. Punchy's punching me!

Paul, I'm sorry I lured you to your death! John, wait. Those creepy dolls from before, are they singing? Dolls? Abby's creepy dolls from Dolly Parton, they're coming to life! Prudence, Delilah, Ruth, Debbie, they're picking up weapons, they're fighting the clowns, I told you they were my friends! life. Prudence, Delilah, Ruth, Debbie, they're picking up weapons. They're fighting the clowns. I told you they were my friends. The creepy dolls are fighting the spirit Halloween animatronics.

And it looks exactly like what you would imagine it in your head if you were hearing it. The dolls have won, you guys. They have set the murderous animatronics on fire. And it was very easy to set them on fire because of their cheap cloaks and clown costumes. Now I don't think spirit Halloween is ever going to spawn for us. Well, that's over. Gotta go. Okay, bye, Paul. Paul, thank you very much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast this Halloween. I hope that you have a safe and healthy scary season.

I can't hear you. Sorry, he left. Jesse, are we okay? Yeah, I think we are. And I'm prepared to pronounce. This jacket is clean. Oh, scary. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. Marie Barty Salinas runs our social media. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Follow us there for evidence and for other photos from the show. We just put we posted some fun pictures of us with some meat that Aaron Franklin gave us at Barbecue in Austin, Texas. We have a lot of fun on social media. Well, you know what? Our social media is still fun.

It's not. It's just not debilitatingly sad like some other social media. It's fun. Check out the Maximum Fund subreddit, MaximumFund.reddit.com, where you can discuss all the decisions in this episode. And we're headed to the East Coast. That's right. As mentioned, we're just about to start our second and final leg of the Van Freaks Roadshow. It's not too late to send us your cases, especially if you live in New York City, any of the boroughs there. So send in your disputes

to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Get your tickets and other show details at bit.ly slash VanFreaks or VanFreaksRoadshow.com. And of course, we're eager to hear about all your disputes on any subject. No case too small. That URL MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.