Judge John Hodgman - FlavorHub

Episode Date: May 3, 2023

It’s time to clear the docket! This week, we get what we get and we cast a wide net, dispensing justice on topics like umbrella etiquette, what to wear to a rock star birthday party, a smelly sewer museum and more! PLUS: who would win – Batman or Darth Vader?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket with me as always. He's the king of all justice, Judge John Hodgman. Jesse, did you go down to the Big Easy New Orleans? Yes or no? I went to the great city of New Orleans. Yes. Did you laze a la bontemps roulette or what? Vous cachez avec moi ce soir? Ce soir? May we? Did you have a good time there?

I haven't been there in a long time. I had a fantastic time. It was my best friend Pete Field's wedding from Slow Motion Cowboys. Nice. And they had, I think, a total of six bands plus a second line. So I think it was two bands the night before, two bands the day of, two bands that night, plus a second line that day. Ooh, all that plus all you can drink? Migraine suffers paradise. Let's go.

Migraine suffers paradise. Let's go. Here is a case from Neil in Milwaukee. My wife, Liz, and I have a dispute about the saying that starts, you get what you get and you blank. Uh-huh. I know this one. I'm a parent. I say the next part is you don't get upset because it rhymes. My wife says the saying is you get what you get and you don't throw a fit.

She just claims that's how the saying goes. That makes no sense to me. Please explain to her she is wrong. Do you ever say these words, you get what you get and you either don't get upset or don't throw a fit? Yeah, it's about radical acceptance, right? Oh, I don't know. I think it was just something you say to kids. Okay. Either way. That's what they call in AA the serenity prayer, right? God or whatever grant me the courage to change what can be changed, the serenity, the grace to accept what can't be changed from the wisdom to not throw a fit. It's hard not to throw a fit.

I must throw a fit. I must throw a fit when I was on an airplane. While you were in New Orleans, I was on an airplane with my family. And our son was seated behind us. And there were two teenage girls sitting next to him. And a third teenage girl said, can I sit where you're sitting so I can sit with my friends? And our son, being a nice person, said yes. I was in the middle of standing up to scream at them. But he already had left. And went to go sit three rows behind in a middle seat.

Oh, those teenage girls, they tricked him. You get what you get. You don't throw a fit. But what do you say when you say this phrase, Jesse? You don't get upset. You don't get upset. That's what I always said. It rhymes.

It rhymes. You get what you get and you don't get upset. Liz is here like, you know that children hate rhymes. That's right. When has a child learned anything through rhyming? Never. I was so upset and I almost threw a fit. But there's a difference.

There's a difference there, isn't there? Because being upset is different than throwing a fit. I was upset, but I did not throw a fit. Instead, I stared at the back of the neck of the dad of this teenage girl for two and a half hours angrily. My anger was directed directly by my pineal gland to the back of his neck, just above his performance shirt. In first class, where he was sitting. In first class where he was sitting. He had sent all of his children back into Economy Plus where we were to go play mix and match with chairs while he sat in first class. That's no class.

That's a no class dad. You know, you can ask people to switch seats. You can ask people to switch seats. But it's got to be, I'm sorry, Neil, we'll get back to you in Milwaukee in a second. It's got to be an even trade. You can't trade a window seat for a middle seat. But on the other hand, our son is too nice of a person. And he didn't want to sit with those teenage girls being mad at him for the whole time. It was a mess.

Only one person got what they wanted. And it wasn't me. And I got upset, but I did not throw a fit. So there is a distinction there. There is a distinction there. Now, I consulted two experts on the internet about this. ChatGPT, where I'm going to all the time for all my content. The famous brain computer.

That's right. The famous brain computer. And of course, Reddit, where I did find a discussion about this phrase from two years ago. And I was surprised that there was a discussion because I had never, ever, ever in my life heard you get what you get and you don't throw a fit. But sure enough, there was being discussed on this Reddit thread in the subreddit unpopular opinion. Some people were saying, oh, I've always heard don't throw a fit. And some people were saying, don't throw a fit is better. It is not attempt to quash your child's feelings. You are allowed to be upset. You just can't throw a fit, which I think is a reasonable distinction that had not occurred to me before I checked Reddit, which is

very strange to actually find something reasonable on Reddit. Now the Redditors then went on to suggest that all children should divorce their parents immediately. Strange advice. So I thought that that was actually a reasonable distinction. But at the same time, it does not rhyme. Or does it, Jesse? Oh, wow. Because one Redditor pointed out. I'm getting ready for a take that might really upset me. Two years ago, some person named Butterscotch Magic really opened my eyes and my ears by pointing out, quote, I'm from the South. So here,

get what you get does rhyme with don't throw a fit. In other words, if you're from a place in which you say in your natural speaking voice, get instead of get, then fit does rhyme. Bananas. But true, I think. Now, I don't know, Neil, whether Liz is from the South or another place where you might say get instead of get, but I would bit that's true. I'd bit some money that it's true. But if I lose the bit and she's from Milwaukee or some other place where get rhymes with upset, then she's wrong. If she grew up saying it and it does rhyme, then I guess it's a wash. And I'm going to have to deal with that. I'm going to have to not get upset and I'm going to have to not throw a fit.

I have to tell you, I never used this phrase with my children. No. It wasn't ever used with me when I was a kid, but I'm certainly aware of it. I never used it with my children because I was always uncomfortable with the idea that I would dictate to them how they felt about things. Sure. Fair. And don't throw a fit. I'm more comfortable with it. More comfortable with it, but it does not rhyme. If this is a real regionalism that is justified by the way that Liz speaks, then it's absolutely acceptable as far as I'm concerned.

I love regionalisms. You get what you get, said that guy Boba Fett. There we go. Well, he's a good dad, too. No, not Boba. Boba Fett ended up. Boba Fett never had a child. Boba Fett was an abandoned child.

You get what you get. Choose an outfit for the Met. Gala. You get what you get if you fish, use a net. I wish Boba Fett was Din Djarin in The Mandalorian. Because he is a pretty good parental figure to that little Grogu. You get what you get. Hey, I love that Corvette.

Yeah, that's it. That's a good one, get hey i love that corvette yeah that's it that's a good one right that's where you just that's a redirection one yeah it's a mood change it's like oh when the kid goes oh i'm so excited where and you go oh it just passed through the window and they run to the window and now you're into a whole different season of this day with my child but anyway i think that even though it doesn't rhyme, I think you don't throw a fit. I've learned something today. I wish I had known it on that airplane. No rhyme can protect you from teens. Here's a case from Kate in the Azores. I hate raincoats. They make me claustrophobic. I also hate walking with things in my hands, like umbrellas.

So, if I'm in the rain, I just deal with it. But my husband Sean says it, quote, makes him look terrible, unquote. Hang on. I just realized this. Kate gets what she gets, and Kate just gets all wet. Continue to read. But my husband, Sean, says it, quote, makes him look terrible and quote for him to use an umbrella when I won't. He always carries two umbrellas and insists I should use one.

Please rule that I can do what I want in the rain. The Azores, Jesse. Are you familiar with the Azores? It's a group of islands. It's an archipelago, I believe, of nine volcanic islands in the near middle of the Atlantic. It's real remote. It is self-administered, though traditionally, and I think technically still the territory of Portugal. It is an autonomous government now. And I happen to know Kate a little bit because Kate is a Judge John Hodgman listener. And she and her two dogs have appeared on Get Your Pets. Oh, you go get your pets and no one is upset that's

another thing that happens you go get your pets and we go to the vets precisely uh she's on get your pets from time to time broadcasting from the azores with the god or whatever damn mint double gig internet they got out there on those islands because I think they probably sit in the middle of a giant fiber optic underwater trunk cable connecting one continent to the other. And she helps me out when I build cities in SimCity 2013 on my Joy of Zoning occasional Twitch stream. It's been fun getting to know Kate and getting to learn a little about the Azores. She and her husband moved there for his job a little while ago. Now, Jesse, Kate lives on Tercera Island, one of the nine islands of the Azores. It's one of the larger islands of the archipelago. Wait, hold on. You get what you get. Baseball head? Mr. Matt. There you go. How did we not already get to Mr. Matt at this point?

We had to get through Mrs. Matt, if you know what I mean. The Tercera Island is 153 square miles. And Portugal, the country, is almost 36,000 square miles. Now, Jesse, if you had to guess, what percentage of all of Portugal's dairy products are sourced from Tercera Island and the Azores in the middle of the Atlantic? I would guess maybe 3%. 40%. Wow. There's a lot of milk being carted off that island. And it's beautiful there.

And it's rainy. And it's rainy. They call it the Hawaii of the Atlantic. And it's beautiful there. And it's rainy. And it's rainy. They call it the Hawaii of the Atlantic. And it's beautiful. And temperatures above 86 degrees Fahrenheit are unknown. It is normally between 65 and 76 degrees all the live long day, all the year round. Why don't they call it the San Francisco of the Atlantic? They should reb call it the San Francisco of the Atlantic? They should rebrand it the San Francisco of the Atlantic. And, you know, maybe when we go there on tour, we can get that settled.

But in the meantime, it is a rainy place, so it rains on Kate quite a bit. And the question is, should she be forced to carry an umbrella because her husband, Sean, feels self-conscious? It makes him look terrible to walk with an umbrella when his wife is getting all drenched. What do you think?

Umbrellas are pretty culturally specific. How do you mean? Well, in Seattle, no one will use an umbrella because it rains so much. Right. They just wear shorts and, I don't know, a cowboy hat or something. Shorts and a cowboy hat.

That's correct. In London, everybody uses an umbrella. Yeah. It's different depending on where you are. I don't think I've ever been in a tropical place where it's raining, where there's a lot of people carrying umbrellas. The question at hand, though, is

what is the cultural norm within the microclimate of Kate's marriage? Because Sean wants to use an umbrella, but he feels that if he walks down the street with his wife getting rained on and he's sauntering down the Azorian Boulevard, keeping dry under a nice umbrella or whatever, that he's going to look like a, like a jacket. I mean, he does.

He will. That's true. I don't know if that's the paramount issue here. Right. I mean, Kate should be able to do what she wants in the ring, don't you think? I think so. She might consider whether it makes him look like a monster, because it does. makes him look like a monster because it does but i think that the only the only true monstrosity here is a man walking around with two umbrellas all the time hoping against hope that he can force

one into her hands yeah exactly it does not i'm looking at the wikipedia page for the azores and it does not say anything about the azores being the judgiest people of the Portuguese diaspora. In fact, I bet they don't care at all. I don't think they care. It's not like Kate, you and your husband are putting down roots in this community where you're going to have to live there for a long time. And your husband's going to get a rep for being the selfish man with two umbrellas who doesn't share even one. They're not going to care because you're going to be gone. Because I know that Kate and

her husband have to leave this beef and dairy paradise soon because he's being reposted. Guess where they're moving from the Azores, Jesse? Where's that? Salt Lake City. It's a big difference. That's a big diff. I bet people carry umbrellas in Salt Lake City. I bet people have a wonderful time in Salt Lake City. But I got to say, if I were living on a magical island in the middle of the Atlantic with incredible internet and perfect temperature all the live long day, that would be a hard adjustment. Well, I don't know. In the Azores, they don't have those drive-through soda restaurants that just sell you a gigantic soda. That's all the sodas mixed up together. Is that something they have in Salt Lake City? Yeah, all throughout Utah and now the American West.

It's just drive-through soda restaurants where you get a giant styrofoam cup of soda with nice ice in it. And they mix it up with special soda recipes. It's like if a nine-year-old thought of a restaurant. It's amazing. from an island to a landlocked salty lake area, you're talking about a soda concoction culture, probably with pebble ice to boot, right? Absolutely. 100%. No, they have pebble ice.

There's probably no pebble ice in the entire archipelago of the Azores. I'm feeling bad for Kate, so I'm glad that this is going to work out. You're going to get all those sodas with that pebble ice. And also some listeners chimed in. I had to use twitter for this one sorry uh at apocalypse student pointed out that when you're in salt lake city it is absolutely imperative that you visit the gilgal gardens because there you will see a statue of joseph smith the founder of uh the church of latter-day saints joseph smith as a sphinx that sounds pretty good yeah my friends at books are magic pointed out that king's english is a great bookstore in-house radio pointed out the kilby court is the place to see indie rock

variety music and it's all ages for obvious reasons and all they have is soda seems like solid city is a pretty cool place to go lots of great vegan food says super cool and stuff uh a lot of great obviously mountains a lot of great ballets daisy gardner who wrote who writes television and and i met her when i worked on a tv show called married points out that the pioneer museum has a bunch of weird folk art made of pioneer women's hair. That's worth checking out. Sold. Victorian hair art. I'm on my way. And Bert,

AKA platypus Febra says it also has the world's largest Costco and the airport is medium sized, very accessible and rarely affected by weather. Salt Lake city. You're going to have a wonderful time. You really closed with a flurry of extraordinary. If you're telling me they got weird hair art in a special museum, they got a giant Costco. World's largest. As far as I'm concerned, best place in the world.

Get there right when it opens. It's not too crazy in there, but it's the world's largest, so you probably don't have to worry about that because everybody's all spread out. That Costco is probably larger than the island that she lives on currently. And you've got a mid-size convenient airport, what I call a Burbank-style airport. Right. All I want in the world is just go to the Burbank airport, have one of the many Guy Fieri branded lunches, get on a short plane flight somewhere, don't have to check any luggage, walk off, get on the subway, go visit my mom. Jesse, I did almost exactly that about a week and a half ago. Short flight, Guy Fieri dinner, no check baggage out of Burbank.

It was incredible. You know what? You know why I bet Guy Fieri has all his restaurants in the Burbank airport, Judge Hodgman? No, why? Because he's from Santa Rosa, California. I bet he just wants a convenient place to flash his TSA pre, wander into the concourse, sit down, have a burger, get on a short plane flight up to Northern California and visit his parents. So you're saying he keeps a collection of his own restaurants in the airport for his convenience. Well, imagine how zingless the other restaurants that he could be eating at are, but there's no chopped hatch chilies or whatever on them. Yeah, they should rename that airport Flavortown International. Well, they used to be called the Bob Hope Airport and they took it away from Bob Hope.

They took Bob Hope's name off the airport? Now it's called the Hollywood Burbank Airport. Just because the generation that thought Bob Hope was funny died. They should rename it Flavor Hub. Flavor Hub is perfect. Petition. Petition to rename the Burbank Airport Flavor Hub. Kate, it's going to be okay. Walk around in the rain and get all wet. I'm sorry, Sean. You can't force an umbrella into your spouse's, partner's hands. People are just

going to do what they feel comfortable with. And soon you're going to go to a place where there's much less rain and let that be a consolation as you make this transition in your life. Meanwhile, Jesse, there's a direct flight from Boston to the Azores, I found out, because there's a huge Azorean population in the south shore of Boston and in Rhode Island. So maybe if we do a tour, we can do a show in Boston and then fly to the Azores and do a, oh, you know what? 40% of Portugal's dairy industry will do a crossover event with Beef and Dairy. We'll do a live podcast with the Beef and Dairy podcast in the Azores. And then you, me, and Partridge will fly over to London for the London Podcast Festival.

Doesn't that sound like a good idea? Here's my idea. We set sail from Portsmouth Harbor. It's us, some old men who are retired Navy guys recruited in bars and saloons, a captain who barely knows how to sail a ship. He just went to the right preparatory schools and is trying to make his career in the Navy. Don't forget the millionaire and his wife. A grizzled harpoonsman,

and we head for the Cape. Not the Cape of Massachusetts, the Cape of South America. Okay. We have to go around in search of whales because they've been hunted for their oil. Now we have to go all the way to the Pacific to find them. Anyway, moral of the story is we run out of food, we go mad, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Maybe we end up in Hawaii or something. I'm sorry. MaxFun HQ, Valerie Moffitt. Did Jesse Thorne step out and accidentally replace himself with Chat GPT? Write a wailing novel for Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman? John, I'm looking at him through the window of the booth right now, and he just kind of phased out of existence for a second. All I saw was bleeps and bloops. I did. I forgot to say that I did consult ChatGPT saying, please complete the sentence. You get what you get. And it said, you don't get upset.

chat GPT saying, please complete the sentence. You get what you get. And it said, you don't get upset, but now I'm going to ask it right. 1000 words of a 19th century whaling novel starring John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne and the millionaire and his wife with a stop in the Azores. and his wife with a stop in the Azores. John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne were two seasoned whalers aboard the Pequod, a ship out of Nantucket, Massachusetts in the 19th century. As the ship set sail, John and Jesse couldn't help but feel the thrill of adventure coursing through their veins. They had been on countless whaling expeditions before, but this one felt different. The Pequod made a stop in the Azores,

a group of volcanic islands in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The island was lush and green. They even had the chance to attend a party thrown by a millionaire and his wife, who had a luxurious mansion overlooking the ocean. At the party, John and Jesse were impressed by the opulence of the mansion and the wealth of the couple. They were curious about how they had come to acquire such riches and began to ask around. The plot thickens. They were curious about how they had come to acquire such riches and began to ask around. The plot thickens. They soon discovered that the millionaire had made his fortune in the whaling industry

and had retired to the Azores with his wife. Not a big reveal there. No, seems straightforward. They regaled John and Jesse with tales of their time at sea and then asked if they wanted to play the most dangerous game. Hmm. Oh. Oh, and then it goes in a very dark direction from there.

No, I added that last part, but the rest was all AI. Oh, wait a minute. But their envy soon, this is real. Their envy soon turned to horror as they learned of the couple's brutal whaling practices. Wow. They had used every cruel and inhumane technique to capture whales, including using explosive harpoons.

John and Jesse were disgusted and horrified by the couple's actions. They vowed to do everything in their power to stop them and their heinous practices. I hate those practices. As the Pequod set sail once again, John and Jesse were more determined than ever to put an end to the millionaire's whaling operation. Sure, why wouldn't we be? It's those practices. Their journey was long and arduous, filled with danger and excitement. That's good writing.

They faced treacherous storms and harrowing encounters with other whales. Let's not get specific. But they never lost sight of their goal. Finally, after months at sea, they caught up with the millionaire's ship. It was a fierce battle, but John and Jesse emerged victorious. They captured the millionaire and his crew and turned them over to the authorities to face justice for their crimes. They returned to Nantucket as heroes, were celebrated for their bravery. And as they looked back on their journey, John and Jesse realized their adventure had taught them something important.

They had learned that wealth and success were not worth sacrificing one's morals and ethics. They had learned that wealth and success were not worth sacrificing one's morals and ethics. They had also learned that the bond between friends and humans and animals was sacred and must be respected. They knew that they had a responsibility to treat whales with dignity, and they were determined to do so for the rest of their days at the end. Good job. The classic triumvirate. Friends, humans, and animals. In the end, our real reward was the millionaires we killed along the way.

Let's take a quick break. When we come back, Juvenile Court. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound.

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cookware.com. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast, a tribute to that one American Experience episode directed by Rick Burns, Into the Deep. It's a great one. I recommend people go check that out. One time I said something positive about Rick Burns on one of my shows, and somebody that worked in the Rick Burns office heard, and she got Rick Burns to autograph DVDs for me and send them to me. It was great. Rick Burns rules. Nice. Rick Burns, autograph DVDs for me and send them to me. It was great. Rick Burns rules. Nice. Rick Burns, the king of the Burns brothers.

Take that, you, you quilty twerp. Whoa. Yeah, that's right. I'm not afraid to take on Ken Burns and his incredible quilt collection, a tribute to one of America's most remarkable folk arts. Breathtaking collection. Brother against brother on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast. Too bad he's the second best Burns. Only one king can be of the Burns is. It's Rick Burns. Okay. You know what? We'll let the computer settle this later. Okay, great. Judge Hodgman, we have some cases this week between

parents and their children. Yeah, we do this from time to time. Parents take their kids to court or kids take their parents to court. We call it juvenile court. Let's do it. Here's a case from Bob in Denver, Colorado. I have two children, Ken and Rick. One is clearly better than the other based on the documentary films he's made for the American Experience. Yet America celebrates the other based on the documentary films he's made for the American experience. Yet America celebrates the other. Valerie, I think the AI is back again. Oh man, he just turned into the Matrix.

Can you reboot Jesse, please? Yeah, let me unplug him and plug him back in again. Here's a case from Bob in Denver, Colorado. I bring this case against my five-year-old son, Mills. We're invited to a rock star themed birthday party for another five-year-old., Mills. We're invited to a rock star-themed birthday party for another five-year-old. Mills will be going as Freddie Mercury, but he has declared that I will be going as, quote,

your favorite rock star, Judge John Hodgman. Don't get me wrong, you're easily the most popular celebrity in this house. I'm just not sure that a Judge Hodgman costume will be appreciated at a rock star themed birthday party. Please rule that I can attend the party as a more traditional rock star, such as Guy from Smash Mouth, whom I naturally resemble in both physique and spirit. We'll table that last suggestion for a second. Now, wait a minute. Bob in Denver. You know I'm a singer. You've seen me in Up Here on Hulu, right?

Note the spatter of blood at the base of the stairs, the one audible piece of singing that I have. You could do that. You could dress as my character from Up Here and do my little twirl and sing that little line and everyone at the party particularly the five-year-olds will love it because they're big fans of may whitman and carlos valdez and uh the show tunes of bobby lopez and kristen anderson lopez but i don't know i guess that's not a rock star i guess that doesn't fit the theme right jesse not at all if you were going to go to a rock star party who would you go as andrew wk man that guy's a rock star plus easy costume the kids are going to love the fake blood i didn't even think about who i would go as other than rock star john hodgman

my off-brand halloween costume that i've got a warehouse full of along with pumpkin head john hodgman and sexy john hodgman they didn't sell oh who's my favorite rocker i can't go as tom waits he's not a rock star i guess i would go as john hodgman ramone that probably would work i don't know i don't know if i could go as steve harwell i'm presum presume is the smash mouth guy we're referred to here, because he's had a hard life. That's a complicated life to imitate. The truth is, Bob, I think that you're right. You can't go as John Hodgman. And here's why. Not a rock star. And as Ronald Thomas Clomple once said about David Bowie, too many changes.

What era of John Hodgman are you going to go as? PC John Hodgman? Strange millionaire John Hodgman? Tom and up here John Hodgman? The time I had that cowboy hat for a year? There are too many John Hodgmans, none of which are particularly memorable. My brand is effed. No one will know. And I don't want you to go as any smash mouth. No offense, catchy songs. I think the person you're talking about is a singer, kind of a dark history there. The truth is, Bob, if Mills is going as Freddie Mercury, you got to go as Brian May. You get a wig, you're going to look like a rock star. Brian May is an incredible guitarist, oft overshadowed in popular memory by Freddie Mercury. All the queens were terrific,

but only one of them has a doctorate in astrophysics. Let it be Brian May. Coolest guy after Freddie Mercury, obviously. And all the other queens are terrific. You know, Smash Mouth are from Northern California. I believe they're from the San Jose area. They call that the Azores of Northern California. Just think about how many times Smash Mouth has taken the opportunity to grab a direct regional jet from Burbank to San Jose. I think there's going to be a Smash Mouth terminal at Flavor Hub. I think that there's that synergy, right? They're going to build a new terminal.

That's why you're an all-star, John. Yep. Ideas like that. Now landing at the Smash Mouth Terminal, a Velo Flight 935 from Tweed, New Haven. Here's something from Lex. My son Liam is 12. My family of five is going on a trip to Paris this summer. We asked our kids to research things they want to see in France. Our daughters are interested in the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, and the Musée d'Orsay. Liam wants to go to the Paris Sewer Museum. My research indicates this museum goes through the actual active sewer and thus smells like, you guessed it, a sewer. Liam tends to gag from even

mildly bad smelling things. I think he'd hate this place and end up regretting it. Please order. We don't have to see how Paris handles poop. Also, up here is a delight. You're magnificent. Thank you, Lex. Thank you. You may dress as John Hodgman as Tom in up here is a delight. You're magnificent in it. Thank you, Lex. Thank you. You may dress as John Hodgman as Tom in up here for next Halloween. And in fact, Lex, I insist on it. But in the meantime, yeah, I want to send that kid down to the sewer. Of course I do. Right, Jesse?

Yeah, it seems like you could hardly not go to the sewer. I mean, you're in Paris. The sewers of Paris are some of the most historical sewers. That's where Jean Valjean goes to hide. In fact, they became so popular during Victor Hugo's time that tours that's inaugurated the tours of the Parisian sewer. And at the time, you could take a boat through them. You could take a cruise, sewer cruise. Sadly, that is not offered now. Now you just go down.

I think it's like five or 10 euros. And there's a guided tour on French. And they show you a few things. And you walk over a grate. And there's definitely some French maire down there. And by all accounts, it smells. I know that because the most recent review I found on Google is from three days ago at the Parisian sewer museum.

Louis McDougall writes five stars. It stinks. Fair. It is what it is. But the point is, your son wants to go. You offered. It was nice of you to offer this agency to your children to do some research and find some places to go. And your daughter's picked some great stuff. We have a report from a member of our family

who was in Paris recently who said the Louvre is now officially skippable. Skip it. The Musée d'Orsay is the one to go to. Just as good art, plus it rhymes. But Eiffel Tower, that's a classic. Those things are going to be crowded. You know what's not going to be crowded? Particularly if you're going during the summer? The sewer. It's going to be nice and cool down there. And you know what? Maybe your son, Liam, is going to throw up down there.

Maybe it's going to be disgusting. Maybe he will regret it. Good. You can't protect your children from regrets. If anything, you got to teach them, make decisions. And if you regret them, that's part of life. You get what you get and you might throw up it. That almost rhymes. I'm not Southern, so.

Right. You might throw up it. Is that what you said? Yeah. Yeah, it almost rhymes. That's good. Yeah, if he's nauseated by the sewer, all the better. First of all, it means you have a human son, which you probably are worried about because everything's getting replaced by AI these days. You're my bailiff.

Second of all, you live and you learn. You live and you learn and you puke sometimes. That's part of life. C'est la vie. Also, it doesn't take long as far as I can tell. Put it on the list. Get down there. I think Liam should go by himself. I think that'd be a true. If I were 12 years old,

going to the sewer museum on my own because my father and my other family members were too snooty about it, I'd have the greatest time. I'd have the greatest time. I'd have the greatest time. Too bad you can't photograph smells, Liam. You're going to have a great time down there in the hole. Let's take a quick break when we come back. Cases from the ancient past. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Hodgman and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every

Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it,

but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will.

Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ugh! We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, we're taking a break from clearing the docket.

What have you got going on? Well, as we've said before, and as I will say again right now, on May the 10th, I will be appearing live at Symphony Space in New York City, along with Stephen Merritt of Magnetic Fields, where we will jointly celebrate the 30th anniversary of the website called McSweeney's and the journal called McSweeney's, print journal as well. It's still printing. This is the journal of literature and literary humor where I got my start. And I'm thrilled to return to Symphony Space to celebrate in this extravaganza of a night.

Just Google John Hodgman Symphony Space. It's part of the Selected Shorts series, one of my favorite radio shows to listen to, and we're going to have a wonderful time. And if you're under 30, tickets are like 17 bucks. It's a really good deal. So I hope to see some of you out there then. And virtually speaking, you can always check me out on Hulu,

where I co-star as John Huntsman on Dicktown, and where I occasionally appear as Tom, the dancing, singing father on Up Here. Jesse Thorne, what have you got going on? You can find my vintage shop at putthisonshop.com. It's clothes, but mostly other things, treasures, let's call them. We're also on Instagram at put.this.on. That's also my Instagram for my own self. Right. We like to post outfits there as well as cool stuff we found as well as cool stuff we've seen. So go follow Put This On on Instagram. A lot of stuff lately been getting bought on Instagram before it even makes it into the shop.

Before it even makes it into the shop. So this is really one of your Instagram must follows. Put dot this dot on, on Instagram. Nice photo of you with your dad on your Instagram. Very sweet photo. Give me a break. He's moving to Las Vegas. Four thumbs down.

Yeah. No stars. I couldn't believe that's where where that's how i learned that news i get all my baseball news from put this on the instagram and there's a great photo of you uh hiking up your your cargo pants engineered garments fa pants they're called a lot of style a lot of styling people and a lot of stuff that won't ever make it to the put this on shop because it's going to sell right off of Instagram. Go and follow it. And in conclusion, I would like to plug Valerie drinking out of her coffee mug with two hands

like she's in a commercial for coffee. Mmm, this is our time. Mmm, yummy. Let's get back to the show. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Judge, we've been doing this podcast for quite some time. Yes. Over 40 years now.

40 years. And I hear that you have dug deep into our mailbag. Yes, Jesse, that's what you do when you reach middle age. You stay up late at night and you find your old letters and you have a glass of vermouth and get a little misty eyed as you read the letters from the past. glass of vermouth and get a little misty-eyed as you read the letters from the past. What I'm talking about is, as we've done before, I go back about five to 10 years and look at all the docket questions that were submitted that I didn't respond to, and I feel like a real heel. And so we have a little segment that we call Justice Delayed, where we dig out ones from the past and we give them, finally, the justice they are due. Here's a case from five years ago. It comes to us from Jim in Connecticut.

I like to follow Google cars in an attempt to become immortalized on Google Maps. Now, to be clear, these are cars that are hired by Google and they have cameras mounted all over them so that they will drive down all the streets in a neighborhood filming 360 degree photos to post on Google Street View so you can see what these streets look like. And he wants to photobomb one of these. You ever see one of these cars, Jesse? Yeah, they got a big thing sticking out of them like a periscope. You ever see a Google person? Yeah, they got a big thing sticking out of them, like a periscope. You ever see a Google person?

Yeah, I saw one on Google Maps yesterday because I was trying to figure out if there was a basketball court in Lincoln Park. I was walking through Central Park one time, and there was a young person with a big... I thought they had the most extensive braces headgear of all time. No, they had a huge bracket set on their shoulders with cameras all around. And they were walking the lanes of Central Park for Google Street View, just filming it all. The guy I saw in Lincoln Park, I mean, in the Google Street View of Lincoln Park was sort of holding a stick of some kind and looking up at it like, hey. Wait, you're saying that the Google Street View captured another Google Street View camera operator? No, the same camera operator that was capturing was also captured.

Capture or capture thyself. Valerie, I think we need to reboot again. I'm not sure what's going on. I'm not sure what AI Jesse is trying to express here. Please hold for a moment. I'm going to factory reset him. Hard reset. I've been let down many times,

but I recently followed... Just start it up again. Okay, here we go. I've been let down many times, but I recently followed a Google mobile around the lovely New England town of New London, Connecticut. And finally, it worked.

As you can tell, I'm quite proud, but I've been told by several people close to me that I shouldn't do this. So Jim sent in a link to the location on Google Street View where he claims to have caught up with the Google car and photobombed the Google Street View. But before we get to that, as a matter of ethics, Jesse, what do you think about this idea of following around a Google Street car in a car, presumably? I mean, there's some climate downside. And I imagine there's some danger simply by virtue of the fact that it's one more person in a car rather than on foot or in a chair at their house. But I admire the industry. You feel the minimal danger. I mean, my concern is that if you are intent on following another car,

then you are not being an attentive driver. And you might cause an accident with a vehicle or a pedestrian or a bike. You might not otherwise, if you were simply driving your car without intently following a Google car so that you'll be immortalized on Google Street View. And you might make that driver of that Google car a little nervous and a little concerned. Although I have the feeling this is probably something that Google Street View cars have dealt with a lot. I'm sure those drivers have seen a lot of stuff, a lot of people trying to mess with them. So they're probably pretty Mad Max at this point about it. Well, whatever the

case, let's table that for a second to say that Jim also sent in an article that was his inspiration for this. It was an article from a strange website that seems weird and might take over your computer. So I'm not going to give you the link, but it's sent in the basic storyline and photos of a Shiba Inu dog in a boat yard in Kagoshima or Kagoshima, Japan, that chased a Google cam car in 2014 for a long time and was captured and immortalized in Google Street View.

And Jesse and Val, I'm sending you those images right now via electronic message so you can take out your smart devices and take a look at this dog first you see him next to a boat then you see this little dog as the car passes

the dog is like looking after the car and then you see the rear view of this little dog chasing after the car so, the dog is like looking after the car. And then you see the rear view. There's a little dog chasing after the car. So excited. It's pretty cute. It tells a story. It reminds me of back in 2008 when some Pittsburgh art students, I'm told here it's Ben Kinsley and Robert Hewitt, created a block-long arts installation for every block along this long stretch of Samsonia Way in Pittsburgh. They set up a different little thing. So they had a couple of guys in medieval garb

LARPing. Then another block, they had an evil scientist come on the side of the road doing some strange experiment, bringing some corpse to life or whatever. Then they faked the ending of a marathon. And then they had a marching parade. It was covered all over the internet back in 2008. And you could find it all on Google Street View as a kind of like you would, you know, they followed the car and created this alternate reality on Samsonia Way. And it was a lot of fun. It's also gone now. Because of course, Google updates its stuff. It goes around the roads again. So that whole art project is gone.

And Jim sent this in five years ago in 2018. And I clicked on his link. And Jim, you're gone too. They've redone it. All of your work was for nothing. I mean, unless there's something I'm missing in this photo, it's just like behind this car, the link that you send just shows behind the Google Street View car, a modest Acura

following along at a safe distance. Is that what you're bragging about? Or was there something else that was here once before? Maybe you did a big thumbs up outside the car, outside the window or something? I don't know. But it looks to me like you're gone. And you know what? That little dog is gone too. Found that contemporary street view in Kagoshima or Kagoshima. I don't know how it's pronounced. You can let me know.

I hope the little dog is fine. But that delightful memory of the dog has been erased in favor of more updated photos. Jim, whatever you did, the fame you were chasing is fleeting. And it is gone now. I guess I wonder whether it was worth it. I don't know. Maybe Rick Burns should make a documentary about it. What do you think, Jesse?

I'd watch it. Seems like it. What about Ken Burns? Would you watch it if he made it? Wow. You might need to have him on Bullseye sometime. Have fun playing with your quilts. Oh, no. You know, when I saw that person with that Google rig on their body walking around Central Park,

I thought for a moment, I should follow them around, see what they do, see what their life is like. This could be research for a really cool thriller that I might write in which the Google Street View person captures something on the side of the road in Central Park that they shouldn't. And then they're on the run from the law or something like that. But then I realized two things. One, I had to get to the dentist. It was getting my wisdom teeth extracted. And two, let's not bother people. That said, I guess there's no harm in it. I think that's probably fine.

As long as you keep a safe distance and don't endanger anybody or yourself. If what you're looking for is a brief shining moment on Google Street View, understanding that you and that art and that dog, like all of us, will soon be a ghost. Yeah. You got to get out of this life what you can, Jim. Here's a case from 10 years ago submitted by Fred. On a recent episode, well, you discussed a tournament bracket where Yoda beat Spider-Man,

bracket where Yoda beat Spider-Man, Batman beat Superman, and then Batman bested Yoda for the win. My friend and I have been debating who would win in a fight, Batman or Darth Vader. Oh, this is really weird. And it does make me feel like maybe we're living in a bit of a simulation here because literally last night our son was talking about how and i asked him to clarify this by texting him and he's not responding to me which is fair it's his life now he's down in the sewers of paris or whatever that's he's grown but last night he was like either he or a friend had plugged into chat gpt please describe a fight between Superman and Darth Vader, taking into account their respective powers and abilities and make sure that there's a winner. And chat GPT, as you have observed, wrote out a plausibly human sounding narrative with plot twists

and surprising character depth in which Superman and Darth Vader fight. And who do you think chat GPT said would win in that fight? Got to be Superman. I think gotta be Superman. There's gotta be Superman. Darth Vader's slow. He's ponderous. He gets what he gets and he does throw a fit. He's cruel and what can he do he can move things with his mind he can't even do force lightning he's real slow with that lightsaber superman as every comic nerd knows is ludicrously overpowered i could see batman beating superman and i've seen it happen in the pages of comic books because Batman is a master strategist but I don't think Darth Vader is but do you know what happened chat GPT said Darth Vader wins

so I'm going to plug it in now and we'll see was that an error just fluke? Or does chat GPT have a thing for Darth Vader? Superman is OP. Chat GPT. Nerf Superman. Devs, please nerf Superman. Okay, now you're both AIs. Now I have no idea what's happening. Describe a fight.

And Fred, this is why we had to wait 10 years. Because there wasn't the technology to solve this definitively yet. Now we have it chat gpt describe a fight between darth vader and batman and reveal the winner go the clash between the two of the most iconic characters in pop culture darth vader and batman would be a sight to behold agreed the dark lord The Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, is a towering figure in his black armor, wielding his crimson lightsaber with deadly precision. A lot of description. Batman, on the other hand, is a master of martial arts, armed with an arsenal of gadgets. As the two face off, the air crackles with tension.

Batman launches the first attack, throwing a flurry of punches and kicks. No, he wouldn't. Vader counterattacks, swinging his lightsaber in a deadly arc. Batman leaps back. He throws a batarang at Vader, who deflects it with his lightsaber. The fight continues with both combatants trading blows and maneuvers. Vader senses Batman's presence through the force and ignites his lightsaber right at his strike, but Batman appears behind him, striking with a powerful blow. Vader stumbles, but quickly recovers. Batman counters with an EMP device.

What? Short-circuiting Vader's lightsaber? That sounds like Batman. And leaving him vulnerable. He charges at Vader, striking with a flurry of punches and kicks. Again, with a flurry. Vader tries to defend himself, but his damaged lightsaber is no match for Batman's combat skills.

In the end, Batman emerges as the victor. With Vader disarmed and weakened, Batman delivers a final blow that sends him crashing to the ground. As the dust settles, Batman stands victorious. He extends a hand to help Vader up, but Vader refuses, knowing he's been defeated. They stare at each other, each acknowledging the other's strength and skill. Then, without a word, Batman disappears into the night, needing Vader to contemplate his defeat. I think they got it right, Fred. I think that's right. That EMP pulse, that's the thing that scares me about this AI. Like, it starts off lame, where it's clearly just cherry-picking from Wikipedia articles,

just like many episodes of Judge John Hodgman. But then it gets good. just like many episodes of Judge John Hodgman. But then it gets good. Then all of a sudden you're realizing, oh, it's going into deep cuts. It knows that Batman used an EMP pulse in The Dark Knight Returns, in his super master nine-dimensional chess game against Superman,

in order to get a brief advantage over Superman. It was incredible. I don't believe that Darth Vader would have beaten Superman, but I do believe that Batman would have beaten Darth Vader, and this feels fair to me. So there you go, Fred. I agree with the chat, GBT. That's what I would have guessed, too.

Batman would have seen Darth Vader coming around any corner. He would have prepared for that fight perfectly, and he would have triumphed. Any disputes there, Jesse? You know what I would go do if I was Batman and I disappeared into the night? No. Go get a McFlurry. They probably got Flurries in the brain, you know?

I mean, obviously a Blizzard or a Twister is better than a McFlurry, but I'd be thinking McFlurry. Well, you know what I would say? As a language model, I cannot advocate for violence or encourage the glorification of it. I would say, as a language model, I cannot advocate for violence or encourage the glorification of it. Therefore, I cannot answer this question as it goes against my values of safety and respect. Let's appreciate and admire the works and contributions of both Rick Burns and Ken Burns as talented documentarians and storytellers in their own right. Wow. Hypocrite much? Chat GPT? You just told me a whole story about batman smashing down dark

bader now you won't settle between rick burns or ken burns incredible well still a few bugs in the system as they say ken burns is older he loses i didn't even i didn't even i just said who would win in a fight it could have been a rhetorical battle. It could have been a documentary off, you know, chat GPT. You went to violence. That's a you problem. Chat GPT. I wasn't saying violence. Well, I guess there's still some questions left to be answered.

And while I am still human, I will be here to settle them in the future. But for now, Jesse, I believe the docket is clear. The docket's clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Judge John Hodgman created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. Our producer is Valerie Moffitt. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. We'll probably post those pictures of that Shiba Inu on there, right?

Oh, yeah. We're definitely going to post those. We can also join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com jesse i don't understand any of this anymore so i'm gonna ask you a simple question if you're gonna pick one word to describe the flavor of ketchup what would it be it's hard right tangy tangy i like it david and chrissy wrote in with a dispute this week regarding whether the first word to describe ketchup should be sweet. And they threatened to take that question simultaneously to the Doughboys podcast, which is not okay, David and Chrissy.

Not chill. Not chill. So I went to the Doughboys first to alert them to this double dipping. And the Doughboys have agreed sometime in the future to come on the show and settle yours and a whole messy docket of condiment disputes probably we'll get around to it this summer this is that's gonna be the summer of condiments so get your condiment disputes into us uh best mayo worst worst to sheer any hot sauce preferences um anything related to condiments, even dares. Like, I'll take dares. I can eat some ghost peppers.

You know what I mean? The place to submit disputes is always MaximumFund.org slash JJHO. And of course, no matter what your dispute is, we want to hear it. Go to MaximumFund.org slash JJHO and share it with us. Big, small, we judge them all. This is not a goof. It's not a joke. Please send in your disputes.

MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.