Judge John Hodgman - Good Time Summertime Docket Clearin'

Episode Date: July 30, 2015

Judge Hodgman is assisted by Summertime Bailiff Monte Belmonte, taking on questions of broccoli-chomping, accidental raccoonslaughter, game night disputes, and the best construction of jokes.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm your good time, summertime guest bailiff, Monty Balmonte, in for Jesse Thorne. This week, we're clearing the docket. Housed by you in Maine, John Hodgman. Summer breeze, make me feel fine. I got such a head cold in my nose. I tried to harmonize cold in my nose. I tried to harmonize.

I'm sick. I'm sick. Summer made me sick. I had a sore throat, and then I've had a head cold for the past several days. Oh, sorry to hear it. But, you know, it's karmic justice. It's my own body punishing me for daring to think that I deserve pleasure, and otherwise having a great time here in the great state of former Massachusetts, a.k.a. Maine. Vacation land. Indeed. How,

which is, of course, I should say the name of my forthcoming fall tour to many cities in the United States and two great cities of Canada. Go to johnhodgman.com slash tour to see where I will be speaking near you and buy tickets. I hope you will come because otherwise it's embarrassing when you don't show up. Monty, how are things in Massachusetts? Things are fine here in your original state. My original state. But loving it and missing you. Eagerly awaiting you coming back to Western Massachusetts.

Western Massachusetts, one of my several hometowns. Brookline, Massachusetts, Brooklyn, New York, Northampton, Massachusetts, and Brooklyn, Maine. These are, that's the scope of my empire. It's not exactly Alexandrian, but I do demand tithes and total compliance with my wishes and will. I get that about five percent of the time to conquer a region outside the northeast and we're you're on your way that shall never happen so for those of you who uh have not been listening this summer uh it is summertime uh monty belmonti is my friend from western massachusetts and the morning dj at wrsi the

river whereas i am speaking to you from weruU-FM in lovely Blue Hill, Maine, where Joel Mann is sitting silently next to me, the third man, as Monty dubbed him last time. And this is one of those episodes where we just clear the docket. We have a bunch of smaller cases that have piled up and justice delayed is justice denied. So let's stop denying these poor kids justice. Tell me a case, Monty, and I will solve it. Crystal writes, my boyfriend and I have an ongoing disagreement of three years. He thinks that I should not take more than 30 seconds after parking to gather my belongings and ensure my teeth don't have any lipstick or broccoli in them. He complains that I take too long literally every time I exit the car.

He says I should have prepared for my exit long before the parking process had begun. I, on the other hand, enjoy relaxing in the car until the vehicle enters the parking process and I am required to exit. Judge Hodgman, what is the appropriate amount of time one may take to exit after parking a car? First of all, stop eating broccoli in the car. It's gross. Also, the parking process? I'm not familiar with what goes into that

other than put vehicle in park, gather belongings in open. Yeah, that's because you live in a place where you haven't had to parallel park for 10 years.'ve parallel parked i'm pretty good at it yeah i don't know it's that's a process yeah i guess but no i see your point i mean the thing is the car lands right right now i presume crystal that you are the passenger and that your boyfriend is not suggesting that you check your teeth for broccoli while you are driving him around like the big baby that he is. But rather that you are the you are the you're the passenger and you're the two of you are driving to the movies or to to a local bistro or what have you. to a local bistro or what have you.

And he's real mad at you because you want to make sure that you have your wallet and that you look nice in the vanity mirror before you get out and have a nice date with him. But I do think that there is a too long to sit around in the car before getting out. And 30 seconds, if that's the time that your boyfriend wants, let's see how long that is. I'm going to start timing it now.

Go. All right. So now here we are. We've just parked. Should we talk during this 30 seconds or should we? Well, it's a non-visual podcast, so it might help. You've got a little bit of broccoli in your teeth. Hang on. I'm just flossing the lipstick out of my mustache.

And I'm going to get my wallet now. And I have a little bit of a time for a breather. Have you completed the parking? Pencils down. Pencils down. That's 30. I think 30 seconds is reasonable. I'm going to give you 45 seconds.

And I would say to you to tell your boyfriend that a man on the internet told him uh you have 45 seconds to to do your thing and if he wants to time you with a stopwatch it will reveal to both of you just what of a controlling monster he is yes and see how he responds to that but what let's assume that Crystal is not the passenger, but the driver. If Crystal was the passenger, she has the entire length of the car ride to look to see if she has broccoli in her teeth

or lipstick in her teeth and does not need to include this in the parking process. She should be ready to go as they are approaching their destination. If she's the driver and needs to take a moment to see if she has broccoli from their dinner date or lipstick for any reason in her teeth before they get out of the car and exit to where they are going, that seems reasonable that she would have minimum 30 seconds to do that if she is the driver if she's the passenger you must be ready to exit that vehicle as soon as it is go time in my humble opinion oh i forgot we were doing a judge monty belmonte podcast well you know i just rendered a judgment i just ran it this is how how dare you she is 45 seconds to take care of business that sounds reasonable whether you're the passenger or the

driver so you know what? I take it back. I'm so incensed. I'm so incensed by this insubordination that I take it back. Crystal, take all the time you need. Take all the time you need. And if your boyfriend has a problem with it,

find another boyfriend. Shall we move on to the next docket item? I am. I am ready to move on. Shannon writes, my friend Lisa and I have a regular game night with two other friends. We play Boggle and

Taboo. What was the second one? Taboo. And normally are respectful losers and winners. We often discuss the rules of a game and establish further rules before playing. For instance, what dictionary we consult in the event of challenge

during Boggle or Scrabble. So there you go. Shouldn't they play Scrabble too? Good. I like their style. We recently got into a dispute during a taboo incident. I will assume you know the rules of this game. The specific rule in question is players may not use all or part of a word as a clue,

i.e. if the word to be guessed is neighborhood, you cannot give hood as a clue. Our dispute arose over the word pen. Lisa's partner described it as like a pencil. I immediately buzzed him since pen is in the word pencil. Because I don't speak Latin, I did not know that the two words have different etymologies. Lisa did know that the two words have different etymologies. Lisa did know that. I say the game taboo is for the everyday folk like me who thought pencil was Latin for kind of like a pen. She compares the situation to giving the clue word as and if the word to guess was and which.

She wrote an aggressive and admittedly psychotic email to Hasbro to settle the dispute, which I would like to submit into as evidence. Shall I read what she wrote to Hasbro? We will post her long letter to Hasbro on our website. Let me read what the response was. Yeah. So here is the reply from Hasbro. Response by Mike from Hasbro. Hi, Lisa.

Thank you for contacting Hasbro regarding Taboo. I'm pleased to reply. The second team who were relying on the etymological reasoning is correct. Again, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to reach out to us. I hope you have a fun day. Kind regards. Thanks, Mike Hasbro. Who is correct?

Thanks, Mike Hasbro. Who is correct? So Lisa's team is correct that the etymologies of pen and pencil are distinct, according to our friends at Merriam-Webster, employer of occasional Judge John Hodgman lexicographer Emily Brewster. And regular guest on my show on WRSI every Wednesday. You can listen to the podcast wrsi.com the the the word pen uh comes from the middle english penne from the anglo-french uh for uh feather pen that is a pin like uh like a like a feather like a quill you get it pen yes first known use 14th century pencil comes from middle english pencil p-e-N-S-E-L, from the Anglo-French pinsel, from the vulgar Latin penicillus, alteration of Latin penicillus, diminutive of paniculus,

meaning brush. That is vulgar. Well, from the diminutive of penis, meaning tail or penis in the in the latin so uh and first known use also 14th century two different words one from pin pen as in as in feather pin feather uh quill pen and then pencil from uh brush penis so uh so it's true that they are etymologically distinct but as you may have recently read on social media, Merriam-Webster in a social media post suggested that a hot dog is a sandwich. So we're throwing that dictionary out the window. So sorry.

So sorry, Emily. Hot dog is not a sandwich. You're going to write off everything Merriam-Webster has done because a hot dog is not a sandwich? This is an asked and answered piece of settled law in the Judge John Hodgman canon. And a hot dog is not a sandwich. Why, Monty? What is the distinctive thing that makes a hot dog a singular foodstuff that is not a sandwich? Part of the sandwich category?

I know that you've said this many times, but I don't know if I could narrow down what is the distinction. Is it because the bun is connected? You don't cut it in half. Right that's what i thought yeah name a sandwich name another sandwich another sandwich that you that you would not serve cut in half unless you're under weird duress like a screaming child a hot dog is not a sandwich nor is a hamburger different thing so it's not it's not about the bun connectedness no there's all kinds of bread combos that doesn't necessarily make it a sandwich. And anyone like that Dan Pashman at the Sporkville podcast who says to me one more time,

it's a sandwich because the things are sandwiched between two pieces of bread. That is the worst kind of tautological fallacy that I've ever heard. We get the adjective sandwiched from the sandwich. That's not how you define. Joel Mann, normally, I'm talking to Joel Mann here at WERU, normally stays silent, just gets the job done. He's getting angry. Joel Mann, would you say a hot dog is a sandwich?

No. Right. Thank you very much, Joel Mann. Thank you. Maine has spoken. For now, I'm just going to say Merriam-Webster's judgment is questionable. And even though these are etymologically distinct words, pen and pencil, I think it is the splitting of the finest hair for your friend to say what is clearly an important part of the word pen. And what seems to be a clear violation of the common sense rules of taboo. I don't care what

Mike Hasbro says. That's too close. To say it's like a pencil when you're trying to describe a pen, that does not hold water for me. And since we both agree that using the word, and the whole thing of like saying and as in part of a sandwich, that's just a pedantic dodge. Obviously, no one would do that. But pen and pencil, even though they're from distinct etymological words, I think it's very hard to make an argument that that is fair play and taboo. And so I I go against the dictionary and I go against the company itself to say that game is forfeit rematch. And I'd like to know who wins. We'll be back with more disputes after a break.

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Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Let's clear another docket item, Judge John Hodgman. John writes, A few weeks ago, I hit a raccoon while driving my car. I pulled over and examined the animal from a distance and concluded that it was most likely dead. Even though it was not done with malicious intent, I feel that I deserve

punishment for accidental raccoon slaughter. My girlfriend Katie says that raccoons are pests and they only spread disease. I did the world a favor by murdering this one and should not feel bad. However, raccoons are obviously super cute little rascals and I feel that I should do something to repay my debt to raccoon kind. After all, this animal wouldn't have died if not for me. I hope that Judge John Hodgman can dole out a proper punishment for me. Please don't let this raccoon's life end for nothing. First of all, let me say, that raccoon probably would have died if you hadn't hit it with a car. Eventually.

Eventually. Definitely. 100%. Yeah. You know the funny little known fact about raccoons, they're immortal until they get killed by humans in cars. No, that's not how it works at all.

That raccoon is a wild animal that is living a life of danger that you will never understand. That raccoon is in mortal peril every, or was, I should say, in mortal peril every moment of its life. If not dying from accident or misadventure, from disease or malnutrition. And cars, cars, cars. Look, but I understand.

It's hitting something with your car and killing it. hitting something with your car and killing it. Luckily, not something that has happened to me, though I've come close a few times, and I've probably inadvertently smashed a few chipmunks without realizing it, because they don't make a big bump. But hitting something with your car is traumatic for a lot of reasons. And killing an animal without intending to is awful. And it speaks to our profoundly complicated relationship with animal kind. It's difficult to discern in life which animals we should keep and cuddle, which are the cute little rascals that we should make a part of our lives and endeavor to keep alive, even at great expense, to cure them of diseases? And which animals we should murder with poison?

I had dwarf hamsters in a cage that I kept because my children refused to care for them, that I fed and watered daily and comforted as they slowly died of the many weird tumors that these things get, and watched them take its last breath and then buried it in the backyard while in the next in the in the next room basically in the garage i was routinely slaughtering mice uh with with traps and poison uh in the most gruesome possible ways um so they would not crawl into the walls and poop in our silverware drawers it's a hard it's a weird line when you're you're tending to one animal and killing another for sport, food, or personal comfort. And yet I do know this. Raccoons poop poison. Okay? And I want I may have mentioned on the podcast before, and I want everyone to listen to within the sound of my voice to take very seriously. Raccoon feces is poisonous. It is highly toxic. And if you ever see a raccoon latrine, as they are called, on your property or anywhere else, stay away from it. If I may defer to the expertise of the King County, Washington State website, kingcounty.gov,

raccoon feces are very likely to contain roundworm eggs that can be hazardous to human health. And if these infectious eggs are inadvertently swallowed by humans, other mammals or birds, the immature stage of the worms hatch out of the eggs and move the immature stage of the worms hatch out of the eggs and move into the organs of the body. And they can cause sickness, which includes

all kinds of central nervous system diseases that you don't want to have and can be fatal. Not a lot of fatalities due to mishandling of raccoon poop, but some. Now, how did I know this? Because I had one on my property and I had to put on a special, they tell you basically put on a hazmat suit before handling this stuff or call a professional. And I cannot, I cannot stress this more plainly. the specific details about this infectious disease is on the FAQ about raccoon latrines. Question number eight is, should I flame the latrine site with a propane torch? And the government of King County, Washington state says,

yes. Good. That would be very effective. That would be very effective, although it may set other things on fire that you don't want to be on fire. But so yes, raccoons are disease vectors in many, many different ways. And although they are, they are celebrated in cartoons as cute little bandits with their little faces, and they have those opposable thumbs. Bear in mind, those opposable thumbs make raccoons mischievous, and it makes them think they're humans, and they'll come into your house and they will poop in your floor. They would hit you with a car in two seconds if they could. They would hit you with a car in two seconds if they could. And I think while I'm sorry that you feel so bad and I'm sorry that that happened to you and the raccoon, your obligation is to, if possible, safely make sure that the animal is not going to cause another accident. But even then, with a raccoon, knowing that it poops poison, I wouldn't touch that thing with a 10 foot raccoon touching pole.

You did the right thing. Your girlfriend is right and you are wrong. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that that happened. This is entirely terrifying to me because this summer for the first time ever, I had a close encounter with a raccoon, a baby raccoon whose mother was killed by the police department because they thought it was rabid during the daytime fell out of a tree adopted by a local family was being raised for several weeks as a pet brought to a raccoon going away party before it was going to go to the wildlife

rehab center there is actually if you were to look at my facebook page right now my timeline photo is me with a raccoon on my shoulder the raccoon's name is neil and he was super cute but now that i know his poop is poisonous and that i should set it on fire i'm a little bit terrified that that happened to me yeah well you know that it's uh i'm sure i'm sure neil is a wonderful creature he was is and and i don't think that you have anything to worry about so long as you did not handle any raccoon feces i watched him poop on someone else so that's good for me yeah well i think that fresh raccoon poop is probably less friable and older and less likely to vent off roundworm eggs into your lungs. But you guys, the wild wild animals are wild animals and sometimes they want to kill you with their poop. So watch out.

Next item. So watch out. Next item. Roland writes, many times throughout the day, my friend and co-worker Maura and I will take a break from work to travel to a national brand coffee shop. We do this in the morning. I don't know which one. I'll usually take my morning snack with me and eat it along the way. Typically, this is an apple.

It used to be broccoli. I wonder if this is the same person, Kristen, like from before. Anyway. Now, Maura has forbidden me from eating apples on our walk. She says that it's rude to walk and eat or it's rude to eat while walking with someone, etc. I think these are fake rules of etiquette. Will you tell Maura that these practices are not universally acknowledged as wrong? P.S. I should mention that she might bring up the time I was eating an apple and accidentally got some apple juice on her foot. However, I believe no adult should stop another adult from doing something

just because they don't like it. Her method of telling me not to do it seems a lot more like a parent grasping at straws to stop their teenager from doing something. So, Maura is confusing the specific with the general. to eat apples while walking, which is a proposition that is demonstrably false, with the specific complaint, which is she hates the sound of you chewing that apple.

Maybe she has misophonia, which is the irrational and, it's suggested, neurological contempt response for certain very specific sounds, including very commonly eating sounds, which you may know. I'm sorry. Are you making that sound? No, I was just eating. I knew you were going to do that.

I was eating some broccoli. I'm sorry. Eating sounds can, I've confessed to being driven crazy by the sound of eating. And I think that it is, I think it is gross to make extra sound when eating. But some people just really do have an irrational contempt and even flight response to certain sounds, and that can be a common trigger. But it may be that Maura has this weird, rare, perhaps neurological disease, perhaps psychological condition, I don't know. But maybe not.

Maybe she's just a narcissist who believes the way she thinks is the way the world thinks. But, while this may make her a challenging friend to walk to the brand name coffee shop with all the time. Honestly, when someone says something is gross and doesn't want all your apple spit on her foot all the time, it's not that much of a sacrifice for you fin walking through a field, gnawing on an apple that you just pulled off a tree before you go down to the fishing hole to do your fishing. A grown man walking down a suburban or urban street eating a stalk of broccoli? I'm not sure I would want to walk to the coffee shop with you dude so if your friend says please don't do that even if she's uh wrong to suggest that it is universal etiquette it is personal etiquette to say oh i'm sorry i'll eat my apple any other time of the day i take no umbrage with that one doc i almost called you doctor judge john hotchman there give. It's an honorary doctorate. An honorary doctorate, PhD. In judgeology.

Evan writes, My friends Bryce and Mitch have been telling slightly different versions of the same what do you get when you cross joke for years and still vehemently disagree on whose version is quote unquote correct. Mitch insists the right version is, what do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? The answer being, hell if I know.

Bryce says it should be, what do you get when you cross a helicopter and a rhino? The answer being, hell if I know. According to Bryce, the helicopter version is superior because it allows the answer to read, Mitch objects, saying that crossing a helicopter with a living creature is blatantly absurd.

Please, Judge Hodgman, make this dispute a thing of the past. Who is right? Well, obviously the purpose of every joke is to be funny. And all I know is the normally silent Joel Mann here at WERU in Blue Hill, Maine, laughed at one of those jokes. Was it the first one? It it the first one it was the it was the first one yep joel did you laugh at the first one i laughed very very much at the first one there we go yeah joel man weighs in main main has weighed in again and it should be obvious to poor dumb bryce dumb Bryce, why he's wrong. Because you can't cross a helicopter and a rhino, right? The idea is, the idea is, what if we went, what if we had a funny genetic experiment

where we forced a rhino, an elephant to mate? Very unlikely scenario, but one with just enough plausibility as to carry you forward into a real curiosity as to what could the possible answer be and then the answer is this absurdist pun lfino which is funnier because it sounds like it's starting to say elephant and then you realize halfway through it's a joke on hell if i know where obviously the hell if i know the helicopter rhino joke is a retrofit to make it a little bit more on the nose for dumb people to enjoy when the fact is there is nothing plausible or even compelling about the idea of crossing a helicopter in a rhino yeah unless you're making some kind of helicopter rhino cyborg. That's not it's just doesn't play the same way on the imagination.

So obviously, Bryce is wrong and Devin is correct. And and so is Joel. And so is Monty, I presume. Or are you off on this one? We are unanimous. Even the third man agrees on this one that the elephant and rhino joke is the is the better joke. on this one that the elephant and rhino joke is the is the better joke and i'm someone who aside from the titles of my judge john hodgman podcast tends to avoid all puns this would be wordplay i would guess and even i enjoyed lfino i'm gonna tell it to my my children if they ever come home

what do you think you would get if you crossed a helicopter and a rhino a rhino hell if i know we probably probably you'll probably get a uh uh a new movie franchise on the sci-fi channel yeah well that's good hell if i know that's actually that's that's the next sharknado hell if i know it's about a hell it's about a helicopter rhino starring judge john hodgman that terrorizes a small town in Maine. Continuing the docket clearing here, we received many comments and letters with suggested ball policies in regards to episode 215, Great Balls of Eyer. A Brooklyn-based married couple with children had issues with balls, specifically ones kicked over the fence into their yard from the park next door. They could not agree. Soccer balls or baskets balls, balls you know all the sports balls right sport balls they could not

agree on the best way to return the balls and placate the kids who kicked them over here now wait a minute wait a minute i i need to jump in for a second here please do so you were you weren't there for this one summer bailiff monty belmonte no it was not so this couple bought a house its backyard backed up against the play the play field of a local uh local elementary school soccer balls were coming into their yard all the time the kids would yell for them until they threw them back if they didn't throw them back promptly enough or if they were out of the house the kids would break into their backyard to get them. And there was a dispute between the husband and wife about how to deal with this situation.

And then we got a lot of these letters, Monty, suggesting various ways to take vengeance upon children for for kicking their balls accidentally into the yard, which you may read now. Jeremy wrote in to say perhaps a suitable policy could be balls will be returned when we notice them. The air inside the ball will not be returned. The couple could keep some ball inflation needles and a brick in the backyard. When a ball comes over, stick in the needle and put on the brick. When it's flat enough, throw it back. The game is over for the day, but not permanently. All right, that seems amusingly cruel. Yeah, a lot of work, a lot of work. But if you're the kind of person who wants to flatten a ball in front of some weeping kids, that seems fun. What's the next one? I like this one.

Courtney suggested, my wise husband came up with a brilliant solution. Put up a sign reading, all balls marked X will not be returned. Then spray paint an X on every ball that comes over, send it back once, and after that, spike the thing. Yeah. Easy. Spiking is a reference to my possible suggested solution,

which was every ball that came over, you would put it on a spike like ahead of your enemy in game of thrones land right or like vlad the impaler exactly another good one from the comments section spray paint every ball that enters your yard with pink sparkly glitter paint this will either discourage the kids from kicking the balls into your yard or shatter gender norms among the community's kids. I like that one quite a bit. There were a lot of very inventive ones.

And, of course, you can you can read them all on our Web site at Maximum Fund dot org. Judge John Hodgman, specifically the episode 215. Great balls of ire. One of the great case names of all time. And you'll enjoy reading them because it's fun to think about how to make children cry i try to do it every day but i reject them all just for i stand by my ruling which was as much fun as it is to think about spiking a ball and destroying the property of a child who has kicked a ball and as infuriating as i am sure the problem is of having these balls coming into your yard

and having children scream for them and sneak into the yard and everything else. Most of these solutions are much more labor intensive than you would want to keep up consistently. And two, they are all incitement of the natural vengeful sociopaths, which are children, who will retaliate. And it is not worth it to you. They are children making mistakes. Throw them their balls back, you guys. They're not after you. They're just dum-dums.

It is important that you secure your yard so you do not have trespassing children coming in and potentially hurting themselves trying to climb into your yard. I'm all for building taller fences for thus are great neighbors between adults and children made. But ball vandalism as retribution to nine-year-olds, it's more fun to read about than to do. So go ahead and read about it on our website. And and, you know, you can keep you can keep your cards and letters coming because I do I do enjoy thinking about flattening those balls for sure. If you have a case for the judge, submit it www.maximumfund.org slash J.J. Ho. I've been your summer fun time, good time bailiff, Monty Belmonte at WRSI in Northampton. Julia Smith produces the show.

Mark McConville is our editor. Special thanks to Joel Mann, the third man, the silent man at WERU for engineering in Blue Hill, Maine. Thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you, Monty. And to Joel and to both radio stations, as always, it's been a pleasure. Maximumfun.org. and to Joel and to both radio stations, as always, it's been a pleasure.