Judge John Hodgman - Grow v. Blade

Episode Date: January 9, 2013

Brad and Kyra disagree - when is the time to cut their toddler's hair?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, Gro v. Blade. Brad brings the case against his wife, Kira. The couple has a disagreement about their son's coiffure. Brad has sentimental reasons for letting their son's hair grow out. Kira says it's too impractical and it's time for the long hair to go. Who's right and who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. I met a man called Bailiff Jesse Thorne on September 12th right here in front of the Skype machine.

But unfortunately, I lost his address. He was last seen with his friend, Jordan Morris, who resembles Fozzie the Bear of the Muppets, but he wears his hair tied in a small bow at the back. I would gratefully appreciate it if you see him. Tell him I'm in the court with my gavel, and please tell him, and I don't want the two dollars back. Just is. Nailed it.

Swear him in, Bailiff Jesse. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? So help you God or whatever. Yes, I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that the only haircut he's worn the past 10 years is his hair shaved close to the scalp so he can wear his variety of hair pieces crafted from the fur of various woodland creatures? Yes. Very well, Judge Hodgman.

You may be seated, Brad. And is it Kira or Kyra? I'm sorry. It's Kira or Kyra? I'm sorry. It's Kira. Kira. For an immediate summary judgment, can either you, Brad or Kira, name the specific piece of culture that I mangled as I walked into the courtroom? No, I can't. I'll take a guess, but I'm sure it's wrong. I'm going to say it's a Neil Young song. It is not a Neil Young song. Darn.

It is the song Frank Mills from the musical Hair. I hair i was gonna go for hair but i thought it'd be too easy okay i think that's just gonna be the first of many bad choices you're gonna make on this podcast sir brad you bring you bring a case against your wife kira with regard to the styling of your 20 month old son's hair. Is that correct? That is correct. And this seemed like a good idea to you at some time. It did. All right. Tell me why.

Well, um, uh, you know, when Kira was pregnant with Winslow, our son, um, your son's name is Winslow.

Winslow. Yes. Is that his actual name or a code name for podcast use? It's his actual name. It's a given name. Did you name him after Michael Winslow from police Academy? I can only presume. Yes.

Does he do a good helicopter noise? We're working on it. I was going to say that when Kira was pregnant with Winslow, you know, we talked about, uh, we knew it was going to be a boy and we talked about how we both liked, um, you know, long hair on little boys. And so from the start, we kind of figured that that's how we would style his hair. And so, you know, over the last 20, I think it's

21 months now, he has just, he's never had a haircut and he's got this beautiful, luscious flaxen mane of flowing hair and And it looks really amazing and awesome. And it distinguishes him from other boys his age. And he just generally looks rocking and styling. So I want to keep it that way. I object because of your opinion. I want to, before we stipulate to it looking rocking and awesome, Kira, first of all, did you have conversations with your husband about how you wanted a boy with long hair? We didn't specifically say this child of ours that I am bringing into the

world is going to have long hair, but we would see other boys with long hair and we would comment about how it was cute. So was a contract or a pact made to have a child with long hair? Absolutely not. And do you agree that your son looks rocking and awesome? I agree that this past summer, he looked awesome and rocking. But now I think his hair is too long. And I would like to trim it. He looks like a shiftless moocher now like a hippie like a deadbeat. Yes, he looks like a reprobate. Alright. I'm going to have to look at some pictures of your child,

Michael Winslow, from Police Academy. You guys have sent in evidence. Some of you sent in these pictures and some of you did not. Correct. I think we both sent in pictures that would be most favorable to our cases. With your permission, Judge Hodgman, I'll load them up on this old-fashioned slide projector.

That sounds like a lightsaber. Yeah, it sounds like a carousel. I feel like I'm John Hamm in a 1960s office conference. I'm John Hamm in a 1960s office conference. So here is a picture of a child sitting in a bunch of pumpkins. Correct. Who sent in this evidence? I sent in that evidence to try to be fair and show that's how his hair looks when the wind is blowing outside.

I took him to a pumpkin patch right before Halloween, and that's what he looks like when his hair is in his eyes. You left him there all night long to wait for the great pumpkin? Yes. He didn't come. Well, he does look rocking and awesome in this picture, but anyone does when they're sitting in a field of pumpkins. And then there's a picture of him enjoying a pacifier. He's got white blonde hair, and you sent this in as well?

Yes. Yeah, that's how he normally looks, with his hair sort of brushed over to his side. Slightly emo. More emo than I like him to look in that picture. He's a good-looking boy, I'll say to everyone on the internet. This is a good-looking boy. And then finally there's a picture of him standing up in a booth. And this is clearly the same child. That must be you, Kira.

That is me. And you're pointing at his cool retro Beatles animated Saturday morning cartoon show t-shirt. Yes, I think maybe I'm indicating that he kind of looks like he has a mullet in this picture. Right, and I actually sent him this picture as evidence of what I don't want to happen. His hair was looking especially mullety in that picture, and that's what I'm worried about. If he does get a trim, as Kira wants, I fear that he'll look pretty redneck-y and white trash-y and mullety.

Well, okay, well, let's just put aside all regional intolerances for a moment. Where do you live? We live in California on the central coast. Oh, okay. Very well. So I don't think you have any right to be thrown stones at rednecks. My dad is from Indiana. Does that help me? Sure. That always helps. That always helps to establish some real world credentials. So who cuts his hair currently?

Well, he's never had a haircut. He's never had a haircut. All right, Kira. So nobody. You, if someone were to cut his hair, would you do it or would you take him to a professional? I might attempt it. I cut Brad's hair and I do a good job, right, Brad?

That's actually a point of discussion there. You know, Kira and I are are we try to be thrifty and um so we often have kira cut my hair and about nine times out of ten i i don't like it at first and it grows and you know like my dad always said the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut is about two weeks and so that's generally how my haircuts go. Brad, Brad, Brad. And so I'm worried. I can't believe you just threw me under the bus like that. Brad, this isn't about you, Brad.

This isn't about you. This is about Winslow, okay? I know, so I'm worried that, you know, the haircut will not be great and that he'll look awkward and weird. How long is your hair? It's, I don't know, it's fairly long. It's like, it's on the long end of short, I guess. Did you used to have long hair?

Yes, I did. I, when I, in fact, Jesse mentioned for sentimental reasons that I'd like his hair long is, is I didn't have my first haircut until I was three and I was rocking some amazing long hair myself. And, you know, I kind of want that for my son. And I went through a period as a teenager when I, where I had long hair that I will admit looked terrible. And I'm sure Kira will back that up. Oh my gosh, it was awful. And when you wrote in, you, you,

you said you wanted to replicate a photograph of yourself. Correct. There's this photograph that has since been lost of myself when I was three years old with long hair. And I think it would be awesome to be able to recreate that photograph. I mean, something that's really popular on the Internet these days is to kind of recreate photos. Right. to kind of recreate photos, either, you know, the same people in the same position at a later time or a new generation in the same position as, you know, as the old errors. That would be awesome.

Yes. So which part of using your son as a prop for your personal internet meme is the awesome part? I guess all of it. I don't know. Okay. But you're trying to recapture something. Sure, sure. Something that was taken from you.

Some nostalgia. You mentioned that episode of Mad Men where, you know, we're talking about nostalgia and how it's that aching and, you know, but it feels good. That's what I'm hoping to recapture. Okay. You understand that there's a precedent in this courtroom that nostalgia is the most toxic impulse. I was not aware of that. Look, I like to read an old comic book like most people, but if you spend all your time trying to recreate a past which you consider perfect but is invariably imperfect, that is the way of madness. Now, I understand no one cuts Winslow's hair. Who picks out his kitschy, cool beatles uh saturday morning

cartoon cool t-shirts um brad actually bought that for him did he okay he did yeah that's very cool it's a cool shirt thank you any other any other uh any other uh wardrobe uh choices you you you want to impose on your son so that you can convince yourself you're not dying? Yes, I try to make him look cool so that I can live vicariously through him. Yes. Well, it's very important that you not say that about yourself because that robs me of the chance to say it about you. So you're out of order now in this course. I apologize.

How come I don't have a picture of Brad's haircut? Because we actually don't have a picture of Brad's haircut. Yeah, there are ways to get, you don't have to go to Sears, you know, to have these things. Wait, Brad's current haircut or his horrible haircut when he had long hair? It doesn't matter. Are you suggesting that you're going to cut his hair? I need to know who's going to cut this kid's hair if I so order it. All right, Brad, I want you to go in the other room with your phone or whatever and take a picture of the current haircut so I know what we're dealing with here.

Okay. It's kind of messy right now, but I will do that right now. I don't have to go in the other room. I'll just do it right now. This haircut, though, is not the haircut I would give my son. Well, that may not be your choice. I guess it's in my best interest to make my hair look as terrible as possible. Is that what you're saying, Judge?

I'm just saying it had not occurred to me at this moment that if I order the haircut, I can order a specific haircut. And there are many styles that I might choose. The Dapper Dan, the Fop. I might choose the Dapper Dan, the Fop. Well, I was kind of hoping for... I sent in a picture that I was hoping we could go back to when, you know,

if you so order a haircut, that that is the haircut that I would like to give Winslow. Okay. So here's your evidence. You sent in a picture of Winslow. Now, Brad picked a lot of pictures of Winslow looking great. You took a picture of Winslow. Now, Brad picked a lot of pictures of Winslow looking great. You took a picture of Winslow looking mad. Yeah. Look how mad he is because his hair is totally in his face. And this

is, you know, when he is playing or even if he shakes his head, no, this is what his hair looks like. And as you can see, it is just this waterfall of hair over his entire face. And it is almost long enough to reach into his mouth, which creates some gross, you know, hygienic problems. You guys know that when I was a teenager, I had hair down to the middle of my back. You did? Yes. You're aware of that, aren't you? I was not aware of that. Hey, wait a minute. What are you doing back here, Brad?

I'm talking to your wife. Did you get a snapshot of your head yet? We did. We did. Where shall I send it? Email it immediately to hodgman at maximumfun.org. Now, would you say that this is representative of his mood with this? Oh, wait a minute. I was telling you this story.

Oh, yeah. Your long hair. telling you a story. Oh, yeah. Your long hair. I had long hair. I had long hair. And so I know how gross this can be. And I know a human child. I live – a human child lives in my house. Male.

Okay. Who is much older than this one, but who has been growing his hair long and has taken up the exact same habit that I had, which was to chew on my hair until it becomes a ratty mass of saliva-y dreads. And when he does that, don't you just want to cut it right off? No, no. I relive my youth through him. I take every wound that I suffered in my childhood and everything that went wrong in my life and use my child to correct all those things rather than let him have his own life.

That's how it works. That's how it works, right? That's why we have children. Where's my email, Brad? I sent it. Incoming messages. This could be it. Brad,

I can see what you're up to here now that I have a picture of you. I was promised that there would be no way visual contact for this podcast. So I didn't exactly prepare myself aesthetically for an appearance. What would you have done? Your retro Saturday morning Beatles cartoon show t-shirt or what cool t-shirt would you have picked out? I probably would have picked um i don't know maybe a charlatans uh uk band shirt from a tour in the late 90s or something the idea that you think that that is going to ingratiate yourself to me you actually think that that's going to help you

by saying that that's what's so amazing no i might put on my house martin's t-shirt yeah uh no but you've got you're a good looking you're a good looking fellow but your son is much more handsome than you are absolutely i would concede that yeah and you got you know you got you got a kind of a you're rocking a fred flintstone cut basically yeah it's yeah it's not looking great and and your son is like, is like bam, bam. Right. Oh my gosh.

Funny. You mentioned that one of the pictures I sent in when I, for evidence has Winslow's hair up in a ponytail on top of his head. That's the one I'm looking at right now. He's got this white blonde hair shocked right up in this ponytail to keep it out of his face. And he's going bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam he's going like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

It is the only foolproof way to keep it out of his face. I know. And he hates it, by the way. He doesn't like that? He doesn't like the ponytail? No, he does not. Do you disagree with that, Brad? That has happened.

His hair has been put that way once and once only. And that picture was taken at that time. And so it's not a regular occurrence. And he looks pretty happy to me when he's reading a book right there. He looks pretty, pretty excited. Daddy sees what he wants to see. I gotcha. And now this bottom picture of your son standing in front of what looks like a like a Spanish colonial home or something. That's one of the California missions. Yeah, the old missions in California along the coast. Oh, okay.

Okay. And this is the haircut that you would like your son to have? That is the haircut I would like him to have. You can see that it is still fairly long. It still looks really cute, but it is out of his eyes and away from his mouth. Let me tell you, that's a handsome picture of your son. I know, right? That's my screen saver on my phone. Yeah, that's a terrific haircut that I would like to have.

Brad, tell me in your own words why your son is so ugly there. He's not ugly. He's absolutely adorable. But I just think that I like seeing the evolution of his hair over time and how it looks different as time goes by. Sure. And I think it just looks cooler and cooler and better and better, and I just kind of want to see where it takes him. And I'm not saying that he should never have his hair cut. I would just like to wait a little while longer. Some of the other concerns I have are his reaction to the actual haircut, whether it be Kira or some professionally

trained stylist that would cut his hair. I don't know if he'll tolerate that and if he'll get really scared and have a bad experience with it. I have a nephew who is scared to death of most everything, but especially of getting his haircut. And his haircut's always the horrible because, you know, they have to do it quickly and, you know, in a way that appeases him. So I'm worried about the actual experience as well of him getting his haircut. I know that your son is 21 months old, but let me reassure you of something that the parents of a 21 month old cannot possibly

believe, but is true. There have been other kids before yours and a lot of them have had haircuts and some of them freak out and some of them don't freak out. And you know how they deal with it? They have special haircutting places for kids that have some background in trying to help kids feel okay about having blades taken to their head. But it's going to, I. But it's going to happen. You understand? Even if I rule in your favor, eventually your son is going to look like Cousin It. I understand that, but all I'm asking for is a little bit of time here

for it to grow to a long, long length and see how it looks. Right now, it's long enough where it can tuck behind his ear. The offending, you know, strands of hair can safely tuck behind his ear and they stay there for most of the time except when he shakes it around. I understand. Kira said. Not true. Sorry, go ahead. Yes, excuse me.

I will have order. Kira says that he gets frustrated with his hair and that it falls into his eyes. Are you calling Kira a liar? He rarely gets frustrated with his hair. Not true. He is always rubbing his eyes when his hair gets into his eyes. But I think that's a fallacy there because i think that when he's most likely to be rubbing his eyes or shaking his head it's because he's frustrated for other reasons because

he's tired or hungry he's like my hair tends to get in his face in those moments so you might attribute it that but it might you know be a post-hoc ergo propter hoc kind of thing going on there whoa whoa whoa easy on the latin there what is your job, sir? I am an attorney. I see. And Kira, what is your job if you have one currently with a 21 year old? I work at a preschool for deaf and hard of hearing children. Oh, okay. So which one of you has some experience with childhood development? Oh, I believe that would be me. I would like to submit that I took a child development class in college. Oh, well, that's what I was referring to. Okay.

No, I have your CV here. I also took that same course, plus additional courses as well, because my degree is in education. So at 21 months, you know, he should have developed certain fine and gross motor skills by now. Yes. Let's just do a quick rundown, see if he's developmentally on target, see how badly this hair-in-eyes situation

has hurt his development. Is he able to walk upstairs with one hand on rail using step-to-gate, that is, placing both feet on one step. He's, he's, he's pretty good at that.

Can he kick it? We don't have stairs in our home. So, you know, only around about, do we get a chance to observe him doing that? Right, right.

You, you, what you should do is then you should take him to a, a, a spiral staircase, a spiral staircase showroom, and then, and then leave him there and observe him remotely via a surveillance camera.

That's how you, that's how you train kids to climb stairs in my experiences. Gotcha. Is Winslow able to kick a ball forward three feet without falling? Yes. Yeah. He does that with a soccer ball outside. With regard to his fine motor skills.

Can he hold a small cup in one hand? No. Can he stack four? Like, with liquid in it, or just any kind of cup? I don't know. This survey I got off the internet didn't specify. It's too vague. Yes, he can hold a small cup in his hand.

When he takes a bath, he has little cups that he holds all the time. Can he hold a small cup of whiskey in one hand? That has yet to be attempted. Can he stack four to six blocks? Yes, absolutely. More than that. Does he manipulate objects with intent that is pushing cars and imagining that they're cars? Yes. Does he use hand gestures to select which bogus hipster retro t-shirt he wants to wear that day? Yes.

Absolutely. Does he clap? Since Kieran is involved in the deaf and hard of hearing community, he's known sign language since he was about eight or nine months old. So he definitely does that. Oh, okay, cool. Does he clap along to Yo Gabba Gabba ironically? Not ironically, but he does have a Broby t-shirt that he

digs out of his dressers and begs to wear it. Yeah. And he will dance to Yo Gabba Gabba. So he likes it unironically? He loves it unironically. Does he talk a lot about how Dan Zanes was originally in the Del Fuegos? No, he has not. Well, he seems to be a more or less normal 21-month-old, but you're not doing a very good job raising a hipster 21-month-old. I love how this became a really weird thing where in order to win this case,

Kira was having to sabotage her own son's fine motor skills. I know, come on. Well, my concern is not maybe his fine motor skills. I'm worried about his attention span and how his hair in his face is going to affect his attention span in the long run. Well, that's no relevance there. Well, I'll allow it because I don't know what you're talking about.

Does your son not have a sense of object permanence when the hair falls in his face? Does he believe the world goes away? No, he does not. How do you see his hair falling? He does have a sense of object permanence, yes. Yes. Did I use the wrong term? No, that's it. That's it. Okay. So how do you see his hair affecting his attention span or how do you worry about it? I just worry about, I just worry about that. It's going to have long-term effects.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being a paranoid mom, but obviously I'm a mother and I want the best for my son. And part of that includes cutting his hair out of his eyes so that he has no impediment between him and the world he perceives in front of him. How does that how does that how do you react to that, Brad? How do you counter that argument? I would easily counter that argument by relating, you know, an experience we just had today. We walked in the park and we walked past a dog park and we saw one of those sheep dogs and they can see just fine even though their hair is in their face and so you know i actually thought that about them like hey that's kind of like

winslow whenever his hair is in his face he can still see and and he doesn't trip or fall or you know loose out of the world he can still see through his hair even if it's in his face is this technique something you learned in law school the comparison of child to sheep dog technique yeah that's in the second year of law school. They teach you that. Obviously, neither of you ever took a course in college on sheepdog psychology, because if you did, you would know sheepdogs are the angriest animals in the world. And interestingly, they also have exceptional attention spans.

There you go. So we're going to have a boy that can concentrate for very long times, but he's going to be very angry. I don't want an angry boy. He's going to be able to concentrate for long periods of time. As long as the task at hand is hurting a herd of sheep. Yeah. It's going to be like sheep dogs are able to concentrate for a long time on

how badly they want to push the hair out of the front of their eyes. Exactly. Those poor dogs don't even have the dexterity to move their hair out of their eyes. They must be miserable. Which Winslow does have. But I appreciate your desire to choose your grooming style for your child as you would a dog for your own amusement. I think I know everything. I think I've heard everything I need to hear. I'm going to go into my chambers and stare at this photo of Brad until I come to the right decision. Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman exits the courtroom. Brad Kira, a very interesting case. I guess the real question for you, Brad, is why do you seem to believe that you can recreate in your child

a perfect picture of yourself quite literally I want to recreate that nostalgia and that sentiment not the actual you know physical exact likeness um you know it's just something that that I would like to do and and uh have that be a connection between myself and Winslow. Kira, why do you want to deprive your husband of his beautiful dream? Because Winslow's hair has over the past year grown about seven or eight inches. And so if Brad wants to wait an additional year to cut Winslow's hair, Winslow is going to look like, he's going to look like a girl and it's going to be a little ridiculous. That's the thing is if he,

you know, if he were a girl, this wouldn't even be an issue at all. If he were a girl, I would put barrettes in his hair. Which you have done. In her hair. Yeah. And he hates those too.

Kira, you think you got a shot at winning this thing? I don't. I'm nervous. I really want him to rule in my favor. I need to cut it out of his hair. I'm looking at the picture where the hair is in his eyes and I just want to brush it out of his eyes. Brad, how are you feeling? You're a trained attorney. I'm feeling pretty nervous at this point. I would probably be approaching the other side for some sort of settlement before the ruling is announced. And that's kind of how I'm feeling.

Brad, are there any last minute Latin phrases you'd like to utilize? before the ruling is announced. And that's kind of how I'm feeling. Brad, are there any last-minute Latin phrases you'd like to utilize? Rest ipso loquitur. The thing speaks for itself. He's got beautiful hair, and it should remain that way. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. Well, you know what I say. Rest ipso brown-oller. brown oler kurt brown speaks for himself

but as he is not here i will give you my ruling instead uh this is not a question about the benefits of long hair versus short hair for kids of either gender uh i uh I was a child with long hair, a male child with long hair, arguably. Uh, and, uh, and I've seen lots of boys with long hair that look fantastic. I've seen lots of boys with short hair that look dumb. I've seen lots of bad short haircuts and bad long haircuts. But one thing as someone who has had long hair myself, and as Brad, you must know also since you went through a bad period of long hair. Long hair is not the absence of a haircut. It is a kind of haircut. It needs to be tended and shaped so it does not look dumb and awful and feral.

There are some kids wandering around Park Slope, Brooklyn right now with parents who are like, just let it go. And you know what? Kids with dreadlocks, not a good look. What this is about, though, is to some degree fashion and to a greater degree parenthood, obviously. Toddlers are not creatures of fashion. They're creatures of utility. And 21 months old, they are learning how to be in the world by picking things up and dropping them

and putting them down. They're learning how to use tools. They're learning how to guide things into various orifices of their body. They do not care about fashion, which is good because they usually have terrible taste. I don't care what T-shirt your son is pulling out of that drawer.

Most toddlers don't know what looks good. And thus, I understand. Not because they automatically look bad, but they're experimenting with everything. And I understand your impulse, Brad, very well. You are a new parent. Even though you're almost two years into it, it's still, I remember very distinctly, very strange. Even though you're almost two years into it, it's still, I remember very distinctly, very strange because a toddler is this creature in your home that is as much an unknowable, weird animal as it is a human. And so I was totally with your sheepdog analogy because kids that age, they don't speak English very well.

You understand what I mean? They have weird impulses. They have no control over their bodily functions. They require a tremendous amount of human empathy, but then an equal amount of sort of animal to animal forceful guidance. That sounds a lot worse than it seems, but do you understand what I'm saying? Yes. Right. Because having a toddler is kind of like having uh an exotic bird like an african gray parrot you thought or a macaw do you know what i mean you're like oh that call looks awesome you thought it would be a great idea to have that thing when you were looking at it in the store in your mind's eye but now it's in your house and it is loud and gross and strange and doesn't say the

things you want it to say and it is, really smart and really stupid at the same time. Now, I don't think that Kira sees it that way because she's the mother. pigeonhole people into gender roles here, but younger kids and their moms are attuned to each other in a way that is not always the case between little kids of this age and their dads, because they all have an automatic and natural way to interact that you do not have, Brad. Do you understand what I'm talking? Feeding is what I'm talking about. I do, yes. I don't mean to talk about your wife's boobs, but I'm gonna, if,

if, if I need to get justice, you may proceed. So in, in, in my experience and observation, this often leaves, uh, the,

the father, uh, or, or the other parent, uh, who, who is not the mother, uh,

a little bit out of the loop. And there is some temptation that, uh, the dads in particular feel to try to take some ownership over this weird creature by dressing it up the way you like and starting to force cool music on it and cool shows and hairstyles and like giving it copies of, you know, Raymond Carver, short stories to read,

you know, all kinds of things, right. Cause you want to share yourself with this child and get this child to reflect back to you something other than pure animalistic want and need, right? You want to take that exotic bird out, right, and put it on your shoulder and walk through the park saying, I have this cool bird. Because it gives you something to do to cope with the existential discomfort you feel caring for this fleshy little version of yourself that likes your wife better than you and reminds you that you're dying. But I urge you to resist this temptation to try to coolify your child, right? about worrying about whether or not your boy child is cool. Because while I'm not putting you in this camp at all,

it comes from the same place that some parents have, worrying whether or not their female child is sexy enough and therefore put her into beauty pageants when she's eight years old or whatever, right? It's the same sort of like, you are my palette kind of monstrous behavior that I don't think really reflects either of your natural impulses. So Brad, take comfort because your time is going to come soon. It's going to be daddy time, Trust me. And, uh, and, and this boy will turn to you a little bit more often and we'll recognize you and care about you and we'll be receptive to

your ideas of how to be in the world. And we'll want to emulate you and, uh, and, and we'll look at old pictures of you with long hair and say, that's how I want my hair to be. And that will be the time when you can really influence his taste or even better help him to develop his own taste. But right now that, that job has nothing to do with parenting. That job has everything to do with correcting some error in your own history, using your son as a canvas. And that's weird. So right now you need to acknowledge that you have a extremely handsome son who needs to be able to see more than he needs for you to fix all the problems in your life and while i don't know that there's a direct correlation between his

attention span and his ability to see through his hair sheepdog style i will say that you you one thing all parents agree on and you want to give them every advantage and particularly at this time when he is going to be doing a lot of playing looking down at blocks and playmobiles and toys and and junk like that uh you know having hair in your eyes is it's a it's a pain and it's a pain in the neck paradox, because I don't have hair on my neck. I don't even know why I used that metaphor. Never mind. So don't worry so much about the haircut.

Get down on the floor, play with him. And then, like when he's a little older, like maybe 24 months or three years, and can really appreciate it, three years and can really appreciate it, that's when you make him watch all of the PBS 1970s miniseries of iClaudius. It worked for my kids. It'll work. So unfortunately, Brad, I do not find in your favor. I find in favor of your wife, Kira, and your handsome son, Michael Winslow of police Academy. I order that you print out that photograph of him at the Spanish mission.

Ask around for the best kids barber that you can find. Immediately reject any kids barber where they just sit him in front of a TV. Go and meet them. Even if it's your gaba gaba? Well, you know, look, you don't have to be that strict about it. What I would suggest is you ask around to your friends who may have had kids before and get a recommendation of two or three kids' barbershops and go and just check them out and see if you get a good feel off of somebody. And then just give them that photo and say, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Kira, you're the winner here. How do you feel? I'm so relieved. I don't know if I could take his long hair for another year. Brad, your legal training didn't save you in this courtroom. It did not. Where we only respect our own sui generis precedent there you go see two people can talk latin

very good that's latin it is are you feeling brad um you know i i i feel a little disappointed but i do see the judge's uh point and um i'm just hoping that his haircut turns out good. And I hope we can find someone who will give him a good haircut and give him a good experience. But I, I, I'm, I'm feeling at peace with it.

Do you think there's another way you could recreate that childhood photo of you? I'm thinking maybe you could find somebody who's good with computers to do that morphing thing from the Michael Jackson black or white video. I'll try to see if Kira can Photoshop something up. Excellent. Well, guys, thank you so much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable,

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Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really?

What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're Made In, Made In. The Rohan duck, Made In, Made in, made in. The Rohan duck. Made in, made in. Riders of Rohan. Duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it.

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Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year.

Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I.

Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will.

Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Oh, Jesse. Whoa, you got a new haircut.

I did, yeah. How do you like it? It's one of the most natural-looking rainbow afro wigs that I've ever seen. But it's not a wig. No, no, it's a painstaking dye job. Does the carpet match the drapes, Jesse? Have I purchased a curlyly Rainbow Merkin? Yes. Curly Rainbow Merkin is the name of my new improv group because I am so obviously great at improv. Wait a minute. You're starting a new improv group, but we're about to do a road show of Judge John Hodgman. It is going to be very

exciting. I agree with you. All right. I will not do improv comedy. Instead, I will focus on our project, bringing justice to the land, riding the circuit, Judge John Hodgman alive on stage this January 25th of 2013 in San Francisco. Judge Hodgman, it is at Marines Memorial Hall in San Francisco. Judge Hodgman, it is at Marines Memorial Hall in San Francisco. That's right. And at what time in the evening? 10.30 o'clock. That's night court. That is literally night court. Those of you who missed our live Judge John Hodgman shows in New York City in late 2012 may not know that not only

do I wear a judge's robe, which can be purchased at any judge uniform supply shop, but Jesse went to great lengths to have tailored for him a bailiff's uniform to match perfectly that of Bull from Night Court. And he looks fantastic in it. Bull from Night Court is a real hero of mine. Sure. He's a hero to us all. I mean, is Oz from Night Court also a hero of mine? Yes. But she wears a lady's uniform. Exactly so. And it's very flattering, but it would not look right on you.

Please come and see us in San Francisco, January 25th at the Marines Memorial Theater at 1030 p.m., part of the great San Francisco Sketch Fest. You should just go ahead and book a room in San Francisco for all of January and February because this thing goes on for a long time. But that whole weekend is going to be chock full of amazing shows, including ours, including a live bullseye the next day. Isn't that right, Jesse? That's absolutely correct. On the 26th at the Punchline Comedy Club downtown. And of course, Mark McConville and Matt Gourley, the editor and editor emeritus of this very show,

are part of the amazing comedy group Super Ego, and they will also be performing live at Sketchfest. I recommend you go to Bullseye. Are you going head to head? I think they're a direct competition. Okay, well then, never mind. Don't go see them. Absolutely not. You will not enjoy yourself. Well, I wonder how Mark is going to edit this one.

Sorry, Mark. And, uh, and of course we are looking for cases to try live and on stage in San Francisco. So if you are a San Franciscan, an Oaklandian,

a Bayerian, a Berkeley night, an Oaklandian, a Bayerian, a Berkley Knight, please go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHo, that's J-J-H-O, and fill out the form or email me, Hodgman, at MaximumFun.org. And you don't have to send me a picture of your haircut. Just tell me in a few words what the dispute is. And please make sure that you let us know that you're in San Francisco and would like to be tried live on stage. Justice shall be meted out.

Concordian, Mill Valleyite, Sausalitan, Richmondian. You are calling all of your vassals to your banner, Jesse. And you are going to go to war. But meanwhile, we have something on the docket. We ought to clear it. Janice writes, My partner John and I have lived together for several years. When he lived alone, John often cooked for himself and

used a spoon rest for his cooking utensils. I've always disliked spoon rests. I have no problem with setting a saucy stirring spoon directly on the stove or counter while cooking. I wipe down the stovetop and counter after each meal, and I don't see the need to clean a spoon rest.

John does most of the cooking and cleaning up for meals, but he doesn't always wipe down the stove after cooking. I fear that a spoon rest would go unwashed for days, attracting vermin and encouraging our cats to jump up on the counter and lick up the gunky food leavings. Gross.

So, Judge Hodgman, spoon rest or no? First of all, there are very few dockets that have so thoroughly grossed me out as this one. Speaking specifically of the term gunky food leavings, it really makes me feel sick. gunky food leavings. It really makes me feel sick. And then I don't like setting a saucy stirring spoon because it's too much alliteration,

first of all, and saucy stirring spoon feels like it's a sexy stirring spoon. Like some kind of sexy stirring spoon that they're selling at a SkyMall. No. Gross. Stop it. And, of course, there is this issue of cross-contamination.

I honestly am puzzled by the spoon rest, because there is the logical side of me that appreciates that if you're setting that spoon down, and you're putting it back into the soup, for example, and then you set it into the spoon rest, if you're leaving that spoon rest on your counter all the live long day there is very little difference in high in terms of hygiene between the spoon rest and the counter itself and essentially you are just going to leave the

that sort of i guess you could only call it gunky food leavings either contained in that spoon rest or on the counter, and it doesn't matter. That's the logical side of me. But the animal brain, the short attention span sheepdog side of my being, cannot stand putting a spoon straight down, a dirty spoon that I'm going to reuse straight down on the counter, no matter how spick and span it is. It just makes me go crazy. And when I go crazy, it doesn't matter what I'm cooking. I'm going to put a whole bottle of sriracha in it to punish the world. So unfortunately, Janice, while you are absolutely correct, there is no difference. If John is using this thing and has gotten used to it, I think that, and he's the one who's cooking, I think he should feel free to use it, because if he doesn't, you're going to get hot mouth,

and he's going to feel uncomfortable. And I think that all that you need to do is just make sure that spoon rest gets cleaned every day. So stop pushing John around, and stop using terms like gunky food leavings. If there are no gunky food leavings in the spoon rest, then there is no argument and there's no chance of me throwing up on my podcast. guest well we'll see everybody in san francisco uh on january 25th you can find more information at maximumfund.org in the show's listings on the right hand side of the page and on january 26th for bullseye live in san francisco too yeah we'll have cool special guests for both shows. So please come out. And if you have a case, remember to go to MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho, especially but not specifically if you're in the San Francisco Bay Area. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Goodbye.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfund.org and our Facebook group at facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.