Judge John Hodgman - Hockey Dockey Christmas

Episode Date: December 17, 2015

Dramatic sneezing, toothpaste storage in the shower, ugly Christmas plates, and British vs. American PCs. Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse clear out the docket.

welcome to the judge john hodgman podcast i'm bail of jesse thorn this week we're in chambers clearing the docket how are you judge hodgman have a hockey docky christmas the docket clearing time of the year i don't know if there'll be snow so have a cup of hot dr pepper that's something you love right jesse hot dr pepper with lemon can i tell you something that this just came up for me i'm not trying to brag or buzz market here but i'm featured in history in history channels series of specials christmas through the decades and when i in there, they gave me a list. You know, it's one of these shocking head shows, like I Love the 70s or whatever.

Or I Love the 80s or I Love the Mid-90s, especially. Yeah, exactly. And they gave me a long list of Christmas stuff to talk about. And I think that because I'm a public radio host, maybe they thought I was older than I am because almost all of the other talking heads on this thing are in their golden years. It's like Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell. There's one of the Brady Bunch, Boomer Esiason, the former quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals, just people like that. So they gave me this list of things that happened in Christmas in the 50s, 60s, and 70s when I was not alive.

And almost none of them did I have anything to say about. But on that list was Hot Dr. Pepper, which was in the 60s one. But, and I told them, I have had Hot Dr. Pepper. I'm prepared to talk about Hot Dr. Pepper. I came in hot. I said, I'll talk about any of these you want. I'll make up some bon mots. I'll throw a few witticisms your way. I'll just say they're really big if you need somebody to say something's big or small or whatever. But I really, I know about two things, Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special and Hot Dr. Pepper.

And they did not ask me about Hot Dr. Pepper. I think they cut me out of the 60s one completely and it was in the 60s one. So for those of you who have not been listening from the beginning, I believe we talked about Hot Dr. Pepper with a slice of lemon or Jesse Thorne instructed me about it in one of the earliest episodes. the beginning i believe we talked about hot dr pepper with a slice of lemon or jesse thorn

instructed me about it in in one of the earliest episodes and you know why i remember jesse why is that judge hodgman because i'm your friend yeah because i'm your friend and i remember the things you say to me especially when they involve the manipulation of soda pop into weird concoction and forgotten and forgotten and slightly disgusting rituals of the holidays and you told me that in the 60s and then i've since confirmed this by looking at old magazine ads one of my favorite things to do in life yep uh that hot dr pepper was a thing. Tell me more. Remind us for a moment, won't you? So here's what you do if you want to make some hot Dr. Pepper at home.

Take this from the former president of the San Francisco High School of the Arts, Dr. Pepper Club, Jesse Thorne. You open the Dr. Pepper the night before and just let it sit open in your fridge so it goes a little bit flat. This is presuming you're drinking it as a morning drink you know what i'm telling you right now that would have been a step that i would have skipped i would have thought you just started out fresh

with a nice fresh bottle and then just throw it in the microwave until it explodes it's no the whole lemon i cannot recommend you lick out the inside of the microwave right i know i don't think no sir no sir i don't think. No, sir. No, sir. I don't think that's what you're supposed to do. All right. Let it go flat. You heat it on the stovetop. Try not to boil it.

Yeah, because you don't want to develop a skin on top. Exactly. Those proteins. And then you serve it with a wedge of lemon and use the lemon. I mean, squeeze the lemon. The lemon's an important part of it. And it's really quite good. I may try it this year.

I, you know, and this is, I might give it a try. I mean, you have to like Dr. Pepper. Yeah, I do. Okay, good. Yeah, I mean, some people hate Dr. Pepper because it tastes like medicine. I like it because it tastes like medicine. I also like the taste of medicine. Yeah, me too. tastes like medicine. I also like the taste of medicine. Yeah, me too.

Especially special medicine. Yeah. This goes, Dr. Pepper, like Moxie, dates back to a time when these soda pops were medicine. They were sold at the pharmacy as patent medicines. Indeed, as we all know, Coca-Cola was served as a medicinal compound of the cola nut and cocaca leaf unless you get coca-cola and uh and that's and i like dr pepper because it tastes like medicine i like diet dr pepper could i do it with diet dr pepper because you know i'm watching my figure i don't think you can boil uh the artificial sweeteners i don't think they react well to being boiled if i remember correctly can i do it with

moxie uh you could probably give it a try with Moxie. Then it'll taste like a combination of soda pop and bran flakes or whatever it is that Moxie tastes like. Instead of the, instead of the lemon, can I substitute Moxie and grain alcohol? Yeah, absolutely. That's called a hot Moxie.

More holiday tips and tricks from the, from the docket clearing chambers. Not just Christmas time. May I also say to all of our listeners, happy Hanukkah, good solstice, good Saturnalia to you, good I don't believe in anything

non-denominational holiday cheer to you all. No, let's move on to the future. We have a docket to clear. Let's go hockey-docky holiday time. Here's something from Matt. My wife and I, along with a few friends, attended your recent show in Boston. It was excellent. We waited in line after the show to meet you. While in line, I had a piece of gum and offered pieces to the rest of my group. They accepted. Here's the issue. They took the package and paid no attention to the order in

which they withdrew the pieces. What? No attention? Their reasonable way would be to take them left to right, top to bottom. They took them willy-nilly and left me with a mess. I'm not a monster. I share with friends, as manners dictate. But I do seek an injunction against my friends and fellow podcast listeners to stop withdrawing pieces at random and follow the natural order of the packaging. What kind of packaging do you think it is, Judge Hodgman? Blister pack? Well, that's the thing with gum packages these days. It's willy nilly. Who knows?

There's so many different kinds. You've got your blister packs, your regular, you know what? And Jesse, by the way, we've already talked about Dr. Pepper paper and moxie i'm not going to hold back i'm just going to mention brand names you got your dentine ice denture packs you got your trident little tiny dried up brick of gum you have your dentine ice uh that sort of it opens like a little book and then there are blister packs in there you got your classic juicy fruit long uh long sticks with that powder on the top uh all over it you know but i i don't even know where this guy is coming from with regard to what package it is uh or what the natural order of any of these packages would be but i have formed a verdict jesse do you want to take a guess at what my correct opinion is going

to be by offering your correct or incorrect opinion? Right now, I'm thinking about Fruit Stripe Gum and that crazy zebra. Oh, that's what I was thinking of when I said Juicy Fruit. Oh, boy, oh, boy. This is like a non-denominational holiday present to me, the chance to say all of these brand names. I feel completely liberated. Yeah, that zebra was fantastic, or zebra, as they say, as Trevor Noah says on The Daily Show.

Did he have a name, I wonder? Yeah, that is a good question. There's no way I could find out by typing it. You decide the case, and I'll find out if he has a name. How about that? No, you give me your opinion, and I'm going to see. I'm going to do this. My opinion is that it is an absurd and unreasonable thing to ask your friends to take a particular thing out of the package. And if you have a traditional stick gum,

the polite thing to do is to pull a piece out slightly and offer it to them with one stick sticking out, in which case you would have control over the situation. Yeah, that's if you if you if you absolutely need to control your gum. That's right. That's what that is. What a power play to pull out a little bit of fruit stripe and say, this is one. This one is for you. I picked it.. You will see if it has poison in it. You will find out. But yes, Jesse, you're absolutely correct. Your opinion is correct. If you are the kind of person who is driven to distraction over the arrangement of gum in its package, you should not offer it to friends. Keep it for yourself in the order that makes you sleep well at night and just feel lucky that you have friends. By the way, Zebra's name?

Yipes. You know, rappers contain tattoos of yipes in line skating, playing baseball, hang gliding, playing basketball, bicycling, snowboarding, surfing, playing soccer, playing tennis, and eating grass. Which is the official extreme sport of the zebra community.

Did you find a secret Wikipedia page dedicated to Yipes the zebra? I'm looking at the Fruit Strike Gum Wikipedia page, which features a subsection entitled mascots. Oh, there we are. This is where you learn that the character known as Fruit Strike Gum Man promoted the product as late as 1967. Fruit Stripe Gum Man, the most unimaginative mascot

of all time. Not to mention Connor the Tiger plus the elephant and the mouse who didn't have names apparently. But it was the cartoon zebra named Yipes who outlasted the other characters to become Fruit Stripe's long-standing sole mascot, period. Oh, and here's the sentence you just quoted.

It's so great. Well, this is another gift to ourselves. We deserve it. Let's just quote Wikipedia pages all day. I think, I think that would not make a bad podcast. No.

Once a week, just one Wikipedia page and you just read out loud the funny parts. That would be fun. Maybe a new podcast coming to the Maximum Fun family. But for now, I believe we have some more justice to dispense. Brandon writes, I seek an injunction against my girlfriend, Amy. Her family has a tradition of using special themed holiday plates on Christmas. These plates, while classy, often have images of trees or deer and have multiple varied colors. As an avid home cook, I find that food almost always looks better and cleaner on a white plate. I take pride in my presentation and often do a lot of cooking at the holidays.

When Amy and I move in together in the future and begin hosting holidays, should she be allowed to pick the tableware if I'm the one doing the majority of the cooking? Bailiff Jesse Thorne, let me say I loved your pronunciation of the word white there. I really heard that in the white. I went to a theater school. Is that so? Jesse, I have formed an opinion, one of which is Brandon's a little bit of a creep because he brought up one issue and then asked a completely different question. But I have an opinion on both the issue that he raised, which is the holiday plate issue, and then the second issue that he raised with regard to who gets to pick their tableware should they move in together in the future. Which I presume means everyday tableware, because I don't think they're going to be using holiday plates all year long.

But before I reveal my correct verdict, Jesse, do you have a thought how I'm going to rule? My vision is clouded by jealousy and envy of people who live in places where their homes are so vast that they have china cabinets that allow for seasonally themed china sets. That's amazing to me. I have one set of dishes. Like my mom is an antique stealer part-time, and she'll occasionally come across a really nice set of china and call me and say, do you want special occasion china?

And I don't have somewhere to put it. I have nowhere to put it. and say, do you want special occasion china? And I don't have somewhere to put it. I have nowhere to put it. So I am so jealous that someone would not only have special occasion dishes, but also have seasonally specific special occasion dishes. Sure.

My inner Martha Stewart is green with envy right now. Some people in states like Minnesota or any other state that isn't Los Angeles city state or New York city state, they have homes. They might even have a room just for tableware. You know what I'm saying? They have outbuildings. I've seen American pickers. Sure. You might have a China shed in your backyard. I'll tell you, if I lived in one of those places, you bet I'd have a China shed.

Absolutely. They'd call you, there's China shed Jesse. That would be your nickname. But it wouldn't even be that because it would be so normal. It'd be just calling you Mr. Jesse. And then the American pickers would come over and they'd say, hey, this is a nice China shed, but where's all the Petroliana? And I would say, sorry, guys, china shed only. It's been a while since I've watched American pickers. Do they actually call it Petroliana or is that your term for the gas station junk that they are so convinced people in the world want to buy from them and probably do? They totally call it Petroliana, but they generally prefer to call it like transportation collectibles or something because it sounds less ridiculous. So I will now rule on both issues.

One, if Brandon is making dinner, be it a holiday dinner or a non-holiday dinner, he should absolutely be allowed to choose the plates that he is using to serve the food on. If, on the other hand, Amy is cooking and she has brought some ugly holiday plates with her from her family home or bought her own, she can choose to serve mashed potatoes and what have you on the butt of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. This goes to settled law in the court of Judge John Hodgman. The person who does the work gets to decide. Settled law, as you might have seen on a t-shirt or a poster or a tea towel over at Topatico.com in the Judge John Hodgman store. As far as going forward, who should pick the tableware? If you guys are moving in together, you must come to an agreement upon the tableware. And I think that it is perfectly reasonable to say I am willing to compromise in terms of shape and heft and every other aspect of the tableware,

but I must insist that the plates be white because that's what I like. And I mentioned that because A, that's a reasonable compromise, and B, because plates should be white. Do you disagree, Jesse? Should plates be different colors? My plates are blue, Judge Hodgman. All right. I have some nice Heath Ceramics plates. Got them on Craigslist. Yeah, now that I think about it, we're rocking a bunch of Rowan Trees pottery plates from Maine, and not one of them is white.

But if I had my druthers, they would be. Or maybe a pale eggshell. I have to say this. I love Christmas. And as much as I understand the idea that he wants to plate this food beautifully for his relatives, I think he should probably ease off the throttle a little bit. I mean, I'm not saying you should order him to do so. I'm saying as a matter of courtesy, ease off the throttle a little bit and just enjoy

the fact that they have a special set of plates with deers on them just for Christmas. Christmas is great. I love Christmas. Yeah, but here's the thing. Obviously, if he's going over to Amy's family's house for holiday supper, he can't tell them what plates to serve it on. It'll be on those janky, weird Christmas plates, no matter what, right? So the question is, if he's serving Christmas dinner and they're all coming over to his house, doesn't he have the right to choose what plate he uses? Yes, I think he has the right to, but I think, were I i in his position i would respect my wife's uh wish to choose festive tableware over the tableware that most uh most highlighted my molecular gastronomy or nouveau cuisine or whatever it is he's doing that where plating is

so important oh there's no there's no question that he's a pretentious snob he's piping sauces over things yeah and and different foams right yeah and you know i'm surprised he didn't manage to mention sous vide cooking somewhere in this thing but to me to me this is all that's all a smoke screen for the fact that he just finds these plates ugly and doesn't ever want to see them and i guess on some level even having not seen them i agree with him and so uh i i still about i stand by my verdict which is if he is serving holiday dinner he should serve it on sterile white plates and make everyone as miserable as he is in his heart. But if he's going over to their house for dinner, he can't complain about these plates. He's got to eat what's served before him by the person who did the work,

just like every child. And then I guess going forward, you know what? I take back my verdict. I know that you want white plates, and if you can sell Amy on that, fine. But you should be open to what Amy and her family background has to offer. How does that sound, Jesse? That sounds pretty good to me. Bah humbug. No, I take it back. White plates only for you, Brandon.

You deserve it. You and your subscription to Luckyon you deserve it you and your you and your subscription to lucky peach magazine deserve solid solid or solid or okay solid colors but patterns on plates i'm with him on this one i'm sorry we'll be back with more judge john hodgman in just a second you're listening to judge john hodg. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join.

by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Madein pots and pans? Really? What's an example?

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Rules and restrictions apply. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-p-a-d-i it'll never fit no it will let me try if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-p-d-c-o-o

oh we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go welcome back to the judge john hodgman podcast i'm bailiff jesse thorn we're clearing the docket judge hodgman you have a nice break just now yeah yeah i uh i went to western massachusetts uh i finally saw ant-man starring paul rudd Uh-huh. I've heard that's really fun. I heated up a lot of leftovers and started doing some early, or I should say now, rather late holiday shopping.

It was fun. And then I came back here to help clear the docket. Hey, I want to plug something before we clear the docket all the way out. I, as you know, I'm the proprietor of the Menswear blog. Put this on.

I do know. We have an online shop that is full of beautiful holiday gifts for the gentlemen in your life, or the less than gentlemen. It's at putthisonshop.com. And I will say that I will make the code BATBROTHERS for free shipping from that shop. Why not? So, yeah, put this on shop.com. Well, you know what?

I just navigated to it, and I already see that the floral indigo Japanese burrow and silk scarf is sold out, and I would have bought that in a second. I better get on this right away. Yeah, you got to get up in there. There's a few other borrow scarves. Okay, here we go from Yvette. I bring the case against my younger sister, Kimberly. Kimberly is a very fun and sweet 10-year-old girl, and we get on extremely well. She's great company for anyone, aside from the fact that she is a loud sneezer. I would say

an excessively loud sneezer. I think it's possible to control how you sneeze. In fact, I've trained myself to sneeze with perfect daintiness. I used to be a dramatic sneezer until I grew up. I'm now 23. That, by the way, is not my added inflection. Grew up is in capital letters. Sure. And realized that dramatic sneezing is downright annoying.

She apparently moved on to dramatic capital letter use. My sister and my parents get upset when I reprimand her for sneezing too loudly, but her loud sneezes are hurting my ears and tainting her generally lovely character. Wow, it's a character issue. Sure. I ask that the judge rule that she,

one, acknowledge that it's possible to control how you sneeze, and two, practice her sneezing until she's able to sneeze more quietly and sweetly. Jesse Thorne, do you have a, do you, have you practiced your sneeze? Yeah, I went to theater school,

Judge Hodgman. And what does it sound like? I just go, me too. I go, mine is actually a lot of times people will say is there a sweet songbird in the room with me right now and i'll say no no no it's simply seasonal allergies uh i am uh i am deeply attuned to this issue. Um, because for one, I have a monstrously loud sneeze. If I am not paying attention, if I am alone in the house and not paying attention, my sneeze will sound more like the guttural yell of a man who is being murdered. Ah, it's more or less my sneeze.

And this alarms all humans, including me. And I realize, I wish I had not done that. And the fact that I don't do it all the time, I think proves that Yvette is correct. You can train yourself to sneeze in a certain way. I'm also attuned to this because there is a young person in my home who pays no rent and is related to me. I won't reveal who he is, but he is one of my two children, the one who is the boy.

Can I guess, is it Johnny Depp? Yes, that's right. He's my distant cousin. He lives in my house and he's got terrible, terrible habit of snorting during dry winter months. Just really gross noises all the time. And it is heartbreaking because of course this is a Johnny Depp is a young person. Yeah. You don't want to overly criticize Johnny Depp because it might impede Johnny Depp's development as he grows up into a full human being. And this is actually appropriate for Johnny Depp

because even though he is older than I am, I think he's still far from being a grownup. And I've met Johnny Depp. He's been over to my house when you and your wife came for dinner and he's a generally very well-mannered young man. Oh yeah, absolutely. And it's not, he knows enough not to make the noises that he's making in public,

but only when Johnny Depp is at home quietly watching Adventure Time by himself. And then it will get quite loud as he attempts to clear phlegm from the various cavities in his head. And it is gross. And it is gross. And it is gross. And you don't ever want to tell Johnny Depp, you know what, Johnny Depp, you're being gross. But then you realize that you have to. Sometimes you have to tell Johnny Depp,

you're being gross. And the reason that Johnny Depp knows not to do this in public or at school anymore is because he had people, grownups who lived with him, who were able to say to him, that's something like burping or farting that you have to do in private. You can't just let her rip all the time. Now, this is not a sneeze. A sneeze is a semi-involuntary action.

But if any of you have listened to this podcast for more than two or three weeks in a row, you know that I have a terrible problem with coughing. Sometimes I go into coughing fits and I that I have a terrible problem with coughing. Sometimes I go into coughing fits and I need to take a break from the show. And what I do whenever possible, and Jesse, you can attest to this, is I put on my mute button and I go take care of my business in private and quiet. It is important, perhaps the most important rule of grownups who live with young people like Johnny Depp or even their own children who are developing to help them be in the world. That is to say, don't bend the world around the whims and needs of your children, but train them slowly, affectionately, gently to appreciate that they sometimes have to bend their behavior to the world of civilized human beings around you.

Sneezes are involuntary and you can't always control the level at which they come out, but you can control them a certain bit. And what I suspect is happening here, Yvette, is that you are 23 and your sister is 10. That's a 13 year difference. Perhaps there's a half sister situation or a second marriage,

or perhaps your parents just had a child much later in life than they expected to. And now that child is 10 years old and she is getting to be a teenager and soon they will be she will be leaving their their world to some degree within 10 years or so and and and their last grasp on youth and vitality will slip through their fingers and the they relish every moment of it even the loud sneezes and they don't want you to interfere with that. But Yvette's younger sister, Kimberly, you got to take it down a notch with your sneezing.

I'm telling you. I'm telling you. It's gross to yell sneeze at the table. Do it privately. But try to find a way to just take it down a little bit. Cover your mouth, sneeze politely. I think it can be done. Am I a monster for ordering a 10-year-old?

Perhaps. But you look at Johnny Depp, that guy's got a career now. Because I told him to stop snorting in front of everybody all the time. Here's something from Brandonon brandon's back i love my wife but i detest one thing that she does oh this is a different brandon from the one whose girlfriend is amy or maybe it's the same brandon who's living a extremely libertine lifestyle i think we can we can presume that um this is a side family issue for Brandon. Cool. I love my wife, but I detest one thing that she does.

She constantly asks me why I'm going on such long business trips. And bringing my white plates with me. She will leave the toothpaste in the shower. What? I find this not only weird, but incredibly gross. She thinks this is the best place since it's where she does all of her body cleaning. I think that the toothpaste should be in the cabinet

next to the sink. Is she cleaning her body with toothpaste? The shower is a terrible place to put toothpaste. The toothpaste cap is often slightly open, and chemicals that should not be in your mouth could get in. Please enjoin my wife from keeping the toothpaste in the same spot as where people clean their butt well wait a minute

i don't think the whole bathroom technically is a butt cleaning area yeah you can't define the shower to the simple purpose of butt cleaning. You're really giving short shrift to the range of important activities that go on in the shower. And maybe you're thinking about it a little too much, Brandon. But before I give you my verdict, Jesse, do you have a verdict of your own to offer? I don't understand how it got in there. Is she one of these people that brushes their teeth in the shower? If yes.

I think that's what you have to presume. If yes, I honestly, I kind of admire that. I think that's fun. I think that's pretty neat. I like it when I hear about people who brush their teeth in the shower. I'd never heard of it before. I think there must be a compromise, which is they each have their own tube of toothpaste. I don't think that that's going to do it for brandon well that's and you that's and you know that we don't deal we don't we don't believe in compromise on this show someone

is right and someone is wrong yeah then i think it's i think it's gross and weird there is something gross about it i have to say but is it gross because it is empirically gross or is it just ahead of its time is this is this uh is this a disruptive thing like should we not be regulating it oh i see what you mean because yeah a positive is she is she a shower technology disruptor? Exactly. Should we, as representatives of a fake court system, be in the business of regulating innovation within the shower? Precisely. Well, I will say that most of Brandon's arguments are bogus. As we have established, the shower is for much, much more than butt cleaning.

And if you only think that it's for butt cleaning, then Brandon, I think you're showering wrong. Say in the argument, the argument that the toothpaste is going to be contaminated by other chemicals is specious at best. What chemicals are're talking about shampoo right i don't know what do you use to wash i use 409 right anything that you anything that you

would traditionally use in the shower that gets into the toothpaste worst possible scenario i'm shampoo conditioner soap anything in there. I'm not encouraging you to do this, but you could probably swallow a teaspoon of it and you'd be fine. I don't think they're putting a lot of toxic stuff into the stuff that you're using in your butt cleaning stall, a.k.a. shower. Now, that said, please don't, children, don't immediately stop your cars pull into the nearest butt cleaning stall center and start guzzling shampoo all day long because i told you to don't do it but i'm saying i don't see a world in which that's a real problem and finally i think the only thing that brandon is really upset about here is a more metaphysical issue.

He's unable to deal existentially with the crossing of the streams, as it were, the toothpaste stream and the shampoo stream. Something about it just rubs him the wrong way. And I have to confess, it does me too. But I can't order her not to brush her teeth in the shower. She's saving time. We need to see, we as a society need to see where this is going to go. I don't think anyone should ever ban anything as cool as someone brushing their teeth in the shower. That's like something Magnum PI does.

That said, and at the risk of this family podcast going a little further into the gross realm, if what Brandon is saying is that she is using toothpaste to clean her butt, then I agree. Let's not do that anymore. That's probably bad for your butt. Yeah, that's probably true. I rule in the favor of shower-tooth-based wife. We've got one more here.

It's from Ken. I suggested to my friend recently that David Mitchell should appear on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. As both PCs, each coming from a different legal system, would be interesting. David Mitchell being a British comedian who appeared as the PC in the British Mac versus PC advertisements. And PC being the character I played in the American get a Mac Mac versus PC advertisements of almost a decade ago. Just for those of you who have no idea, I'm willing to accept that there are humans who don't know what we're talking about now, sadly. Yeah, it is pretty sad to know that there are people out there who haven't seen Peep

Show yet. This led to the discussion of whether or not Mitchell or Hodgman may even legally refer to the use of potential non-Apple products. He says Apple can demand they not bring it up. That seems like an unreasonable contractual demand. Is this true? Who is right? I actually, before we started this show, Judge Hodgman made me sign a contract that said

that I should never admit that I once owned a Windows phone. That's a true story that i just made i wish i could tell you that i'm laughing but i'm crying ken you have no idea how much i wish i was in a contract with apple demanding that i never mention a non-apple product you have no idea because that would mean i'm still in a contract with Apple demanding that I never mention a non-Apple product. You have no idea because that would mean I'm still in a contract with Apple. Yeah, that was a pretty good job. You know what, Jesse? I love making a podcast with you. I love working on The Daily Show.

I love everything that I do very much. I love the guest spot on the NBC hit television show Blindspot that I do very much. I love the guest spot on the NBC hit television show Blind Spot that I just filmed over the past two weeks created by my bored to death friend Martin Garrow. Watch it in the new year.

I mean, watch the show whenever you want. It's still on, but I won't be on it until the new year. And I won't say no more. But yeah, those ads that I did

for four years, 2006, we're coming up on the 10th anniversary of the first recording of which was in april of 2006 and then it came out in in may of 2006 and we and the last one we shot was in january of 2010 and transformed my life in so many ways most importantly with great friendships with the phil morrison the director and obviously justin long the mac and of course putty from seinfeld oh putty oh my god that's right um what's his name brock mayhem yeah exactly patrick warburton yeah sorry uh just so many great memories in such a good time and and and maybe the greatest job i ever had i would do it in one white hot second uh to do it again and so yeah i wish i wish that uh that apple could ban

me and david mitchell from talking about non-apple products but uh but they they have moved on as as it happens in life no hard feelings I would be sad if they were just rehashing the same old ad campaign 10 years later. Sad, but very happy at the same time. But sad, it's better for them and better for all of us that we move on. And the only thing I wish more would be that David Mitchell come on this podcast

because I think he's a genius and I would love for him to do it. So maybe we could reach out to him and see if that could happen. That would be pretty amazing. David Mitchell was once on the sound of young America, my public radio show, uh,

with an under the name that, uh, preceded bullseye and, was D lightful. Yeah. So if any of you don't know what we're talking about, uh, go to your Netflix or, uh or a streaming and stealing center near you

and look up that uh mitchell and webb the comedic duo of which david mitchell is one half and uh and their sitcom peep show or their sketch show that mitchell and webb look right yeah exactly uh particularly enjoy the sketch called number wang yeah just just google number wang right now if you haven't seen number wang your priorities in life are a disaster yeah remember when you are a pile of i mean you are not living your best life oprah would be very upset with you remember when we told you about brass eye and you went and streamed and stole that look you have now you're a different person and a better one. Just do everything we say.

Go watch Mitchell and Webb. Drink some hot Dr. Pepper with lemon. If you're 21 or older and doing so responsibly, heat up some Moxie and add a little grain alcohol or whiskey. See what that tastes like. Gross. Serve food on decorative plates if that's what your girlfriend wants. Gross.

Serve food on decorative plates if that's what your girlfriend wants. And generally and sincerely have a very happy and healthy holiday at the end of 2015 from your friend, representative of fake internet law, Judge John Hodgman and his friend. What's your name again?

Ah, boy. My mom gave it to me um oh jesse thorn jesse thorn bailiff jesse thorn have a hockey docky christmas it's the best time of the year our producer is julia smith editor mark mcconville go to maximumfund.org slash j JJHO to submit your case. Like us on Twitter. Follow us on Twitter, at Hodgman and at Jesse Thorne. Like us on Facebook. Join us on Reddit at maximumfund.reddit.com. And we'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

Oh, bad mic skills. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.