Judge John Hodgman - Honk If You Love Justice

Episode Date: February 26, 2014

Wes claims his friend Adam is honk-happy.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, honk if you love justice. Wes brings the case against his friend Adam. He says Adam's too eager to lay on the horn when he sees bad driving. Adam says he's just practicing defensive driving. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Today's cultural reference is an audio cultural reference.

Listen carefully. Swear them in, Jesse. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. Yeah, I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that the horn button on his car lays down a sweet oil slick? Yeah, I do.

I do as well. Very well. Judge Hodgman? It's sweet oil, specifically. I mean, you will go off the road, but if you happen to taste it, it's pretty sweet. It tastes good. It's nice for making dressings.

It is, it is, but a little too sweet. Yeah. Wes and Adam, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors. Can either of you name the sound that you heard as I entered the courtroom? I'm looking for a very specific answer. It was distorted a little bit by Skype, but no, I can't. You're going to blame Skype?

I'm blaming Skype, yeah. I can see you guys are both. I'm blaming Skype, yeah. I can see you guys are both blaming Skype as well. And my iPhone. I mean my phone. Alright, so you're both wrong. And you're both in contempt of court. You have to make a guess.

I'll play it for you again. Thank you. you again thank you thank you i could listen to that all day long can you guess is it some sort of car alarm no adam can you? Sounds like some kind of action in a factory or something like that. Oh, you are wrong. Action in a factory is not something that happens. I don't know what I call it. Machines working. Machines working in a factory.

That sounds like the long lost record by the band whose name I'm forgetting. Who did Reach the Beach, Jesse? Reach the Beach. Reach the Beach. One thing leads to another. Reach the Beach album. The Fix. The Fix.

That's it. Right. Action in a Factory was their long their their 19 their lost 1984 album no the answer is gentlemen it sounds like a really solid pitch to mark walberg's production company you mean action in a factory or that sound? Neither one. All right. All right. Mark, sit down.

Sit down. You are going to love this. You ready? This is my pitch. Yeah, I think we'll make it. I think it sounds good. Can I take my shirt off? I hear that Lone Survivor is very good, by the way.

It's a very powerful movie. So I don't want to, you know. Hey, I love Marky Mark. I think that guy's awesome. That guy's been in a lot of things. He's done a lot of work. The thing about Marky Mark, he's always trying something new. He's stretching.

He's always stretching. You can't be mad at him for very long. No, because he's so charming. All right, well, the answer, gentlemen, is that sound is a klaxon. K-L-A-X-O-N is a very particular kind of horn sound. Specifically, that is the klaxon alarm that is played on the British quiz show

hosted by Stephen Fry called QI for quite interesting when someone answers a question incorrectly. And in fact, that sound was played when Alan on the show guessed that that sound was called a klaxon and he got it wrong. Why? Because klaxon is actually a brand name. It's a very specific, the generic sound we call klaxon, awooga, awooga, awooga, actually was a brand name. It was invented by Miller Reese Hutchison in 1908

and then licensed and bought out by the Level McConnell Manufacturing Company of newark new jersey and for that reason uh stephen fry and the qi elves decided that it could not actually be called a klaxon that what they were playing was a generic uh siren of some kind which i only presume that they're afraid of being sued out of existence by the non-existent klaxon company but in any case that's what that auga auga auga that's a that's a very famous sound that's called a klaxon and it was

once a brand name and uh and you are all wrong so now i have to hear this dumb case wes you bring the case against uh adam you guys are pals. How old are you? I'm 22. And Adam, how old are you? I'm also 22, but slightly older. All right. And since the time, and you're not brothers, you're friends from college? Friends from high school and middle school.

Oh, where did you go to high school and middle school oh where did you go to high school and middle school um to the marblehead high school and the marblehead veterans middle school and you are pronouncing marblehead with an accent that i believe is affected in order to give some hometown pride to your native uh talking uh surprisingly enough no one from marblehead really says it that way how do you actually say it in real life? Marblehead. You actually say Marblehead. Well, in real life, I say Marblehead. Marblehead.

All right, so you weren't affecting it. That's how you talk. Yeah. You probably don't even hear that accent yourself. I don't even know if he has that accent. I just think he does it for show. That's not true. I don't even know if he has that accent.

I just think he does it for show. That's not true. There's an old Massachusettsian joke about the late Governor Peabody. There were three towns in Massachusetts named after him. One of them is Peabody, Massachusetts. The other is Marblehead. Get it? Get it? He's a dummy. Get it? And the third

is the real life Commonwealth town of Athol, Massachusetts. A-T-H-O-L. Athol, Massachusetts. Have you been to Athol? That's in Western Massachusetts. My dad always brings up the old

BC radio morning zoo joke about Peter Falk from Colombo visiting Athol, Massachusetts. I guess the punchline of it was Falk in Athol. Anytime we drive by that.

Oh gosh, there's the klaxon. We're out of time. Good luck, you two. We had a good time talking about QI and Stephen Fry and klaxons and Massachusetts and Peter Falk and so on. But we've run out of time. No, the problem is, Wes, that your friend Adam makes a noise. The noise is the honking of a car horn, which he does a lot. Is that not so? This is true.

Tell me more about that. Well, it's not so much when he honks the car horn, although I do think he honks it too frequently. But it's more when, if he and I are driving around our suburban Boston hometown, and someone does something, when I'm driving, if someone does something that would bother Adam, he'll reach over and honk the horn for me.

I can't even hear what you're saying because I am so enwrapped with your beautiful North Shore accent. Now that I hear it, I'm like, Ooh,

this guy, actors around the world. Listen to Wes talk. This guy's, this guy's got it. That's a beautiful North shore accent. Cause you, everyone thinks that the Boston accent is like, I can't,

I'm not going to embarrass myself by doing it, but like, like really like raspy like bill burr but then there's then there's the north shore accent which is it has that marble head marble head but it's all it's like now i'm doing a candidate like i can't i'm you know because it's one of my great shames in life that i i'm from Massachusetts. I'm from Brookline and I can't even imitate a greater Boston or Massachusetts accent, but you're, you're, you're giving me the true Jim Kennefic, the beautiful, like flinty, but still round man of the people, but patrician, that accent is fantastic. sir you're you're very listen to that everybody i just oh what is your job are you in broadcasting oh i wish but no i am not i'm a student where what

are you a student of a student of french language and culture could you you speak French? I can, yes. I'm not going to embarrass myself. With a North Shore accent? Can you say, I parked the car in Harvard Yard in French? I could, but it wouldn't sound... It wouldn't be worth it.

If you don't do it, I'm going to find in favor of adam and there will be stiff penalties well you're putting me on the spot no no you could i'm not saying you have to do it right this second you work on the translation while i berate your friend adam are you also from marblehead yeah i'm from marblehead as well yeah but you talk like a normal person uh yeah i guess so i've never really felt like i had any sort of accent at all no you don't you where's your family from um my mom is from brooklyn and my dad is from the area a little bit closer to boston he grew up around uh brookline as well and um also randolph and matapan yeah okay

i got you i can hear a little a little new england in there but but where is your mom from in brooklyn um your mom was from brooklyn and your dad was from around brookline you are like me sir a child of two worlds and now where are you in the world where am i in the world i'm in new orleans right now and new in new orleans and what are you doing there i am a student at tulane university in what subject i'm an economics and film studies major are you an undergraduate are you are you getting your bachelor's degree at Tulane? Yeah, I'm getting my bachelor's degree in both. This is my last semester. Very well.

And I presume you spent 17 years in college because going to college in New Orleans must be the most fun thing in the world. Yeah, it really is. All right. So now what Wes said to me is that you honk the horn very aggressively and that to the point where you will sometimes, if you are the passenger in the car and Wes is driving, you will honk the horn on his behalf.

That is monstrous on its face. But I'm going to give you a moment to defend yourself, what would the situation be that would merit your interrupting the operation of a motor vehicle in order to express yourself through honking? Well, I try to be as minimally invasive as possible. I try to maneuver my hand in a way where it's not going to mess up his steering wheel motions. But the situation that would occur the situation you understand that there is

no logic to what you just said right you can't connect you can't connect the the the the the the phrase i try to be as minimally invasive as possible logically with the i i then interrupt his driving of a car to honk on his behalf. Right? You have already gone too far. So I don't want to hear about your method of putting your lives and the lives of others at risk. I want to know why you do it. What is a situation that in your mind would merit such an unusual act? Or is it usual, sir?

Do you do it all the time? You are driving around. You are the passenger in Wes's car. Someone cuts you off. Do you honk? Okay, well, the situation usually... Right. Yeah, the situation

is usually that... Yes! Oui ou non? Oui. Oui. Yeah, slanging it up. So someone cuts you off in a way that you find unacceptable,

you would honk even if Wes did not honk. Even if Wes were driving the car, you would reach over and honk. Yes, especially if it's in a dangerous manner. And what do you hope to accomplish by that? You want to make everything more dangerous? Well, I find that Wes doesn't use his horn at all. I can't remember an instance where he has used his horn, so it's kind of my way of getting him to realize

that the horn is there for a reason. What is that reason? So that other people are aware that you're there, and sometimes it comes across as a little bit aggressive, but mainly I just want to keep him and i safe and whoever else is in the car too now maybe i'm misunderstanding the timeline here okay if someone has cut you off and now they are ahead of you and they've come too close right then you reach over and honk but it's been but the but the infraction has occurred that's correct so how is letting them know you are there help

you raise a good point there um but i it's also for wes's benefit as well, I'll say, because he needs to know that in those times of potential injury, he needs to be honking the horn. He needs to know that if you're in the car, you might do anything at any time. You are standing there ready to relieve him of command at any moment. All right, let's say you're driving adam okay all right what would merit a honk from you what situations um generally okay so cutting off is a big one um people making turns at incorrect times massachusetts can be a little bit

dicey on the road especially in times like this where it's wintry weather um those are pretty much most of the things that i can think of i'm not really super aggressive i don't lay on the horn when people are going too slow or anything like that um mostly just instances where a crash could potentially occur and i admit that sometimes i let my frustration get the best of me and i will honk after the fact um and after the fact honk of rebuke yes exactly a rage honk honk of rebuke yes exactly a rage honk slightly delayed as i wouldn't be i look i wouldn't know i wouldn't know what i am talking about if i were not guilty of this myself from time to time so you should feel safe okay and admitting what you're admitting. But you're a monster. Wes, how often does this go on?

I'm sorry? Now, Adam is there saying that he honks to ensure the safety of himself. How aggressive a honker is he? Paint me a word picture, Wes. Doesn't have to be in French. Okay, good. He's a mildly aggressive honker. He's a mildly aggressive driver, by and large.

He does a lot of things on the road that tend to bother me or embarrass me. Tell me more. Because I just listen to you talk all day honestly i i have a few i have a few stories um i've got a few interesting uh anecdotes there was one time by the way if you would ever like to tell them we'd love to have you back on the podcast sometime no actually now would be a good time let's go all right all right sounds good i um so there was one there was one instance where um we were uh driving from mybelhead to salem and uh on a on a main ish road and there were three uh young teenagers on skateboards in the middle of the road.

I don't know why they were out. It was almost midnight, but they were out skateboarding. And they were right in the middle of the road. And we pulled up, or Adam's driving, and he pulls up right behind them, and they're still just skateboarding down the road. And instead of what I would have done in that situation which is a friendly toot toot to say please move he uh he leaned on the horn for a good 30 seconds just a constant honk until they turned at the next

intersection wait a second wait a second there marblehead iblehead. I'm not sure you're aware of what 30 seconds really is. Do you really mean 30 seconds? Because this is 30 seconds. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. ah ah ah ah

ah ah ah ah ah so you want to you want to take that again before you lie to me again? Your Honor, I didn't lie. I misjudged time.

It was maybe. Well, why should I believe anything you say? Just because you are a smooth North Shore talker? Maybe. That would be nice. Don't make me refuse. My circular breathing is really out of practice. How you do for me, not in French,

just do me the honk that he put on those kids, the honk hurt that he put on them. All right. I'm just trying to think of when we encountered them i don't care i don't want to i want to hear you i want to hear i just honked for 30 seconds you imitate his honk skateboard kids in the middle of the road adam's honk go this is from wendy's to the intersection oh sorry i just buzz marketed this is from a burger fast food area you know what i love it specificity is the soul of narrative.

From Wendy's to the intersection. Let me hear it. All right. Jesus. Wait a minute. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Yes. Now, let me just make sure that I understand. Were you trying to honk for 30 seconds because you thought that's what I was asking you to do? Or were you imitating Adam's length of honk? I was imitating his length of honk. It was a good 15 to 20 seconds. I was about to end. If I were you, sir, I would leave units of time alone at this point.

That's fair enough. But I was imitating. I was about to end before you. Yeah, no, okay. I got the K in there. Yeah, I got you. That's a long honk. Adam, did you?

It was a very long honk. Is that a good imitation or a bad imitation of this particular situation? Despite Wes's issues with intervals of time, it was i'd say about five to ten seconds i i remember the incident in question um and that's another thing i forgot to mention is that skateboarders and bikers are also um commonly um something like that thing yeah they're all so you do your version exactly so all right right, here we go. You're at the Wendy's. Okay. I could be referring to any business. You're at the Wendy's.

Skateboarders at you in the middle of the road. What time of day or night is it? Around midnight. Around midnight. You're driving. Right. Honk. Do it.

Go. Okay. Honk. Something like that. So Wes was right. That was about five seconds. It was much longer than that. You know what?

That was... Five seconds. And what did the skateboarders do? Did they fall off their skateboards and die under your wheels in fright? That would be nice. As soon as he started honking, and this is more in his favor than mine, as soon as he started honking, they all simultaneously raised their middle fingers to us in the car. Of course they did. Of course they did.

Because that was not a, by the way guys, I'm here with my friend Wes. You better get out of the middle of the road because we have a vehicle that can kill you. That was honk! That was pure rage pure rage i don't know because you hate because you hate teenagers i do a teenager i think we may have still been teenagers at that moment yeah we probably were look it doesn't matter i hate those teenagers they were in the middle of the road teenagers in the middle road on skate. Teenagers in the middle of the road on skateboards, of course you hate them.

Because they are breaking the rules. And they're in front of, they're on a place where you're supposed to be driving. And you, Adam, are a person who is insecure and you feel utterly impotent. Because you are in a car that can kill them and they don't care and therefore you're going to express your rage by laying on the horn

you are not alerting them to your presence you are attempting a feeble revenge upon them. And indeed a dangerous one. Because how many teenagers were there? About 30? Was it a teenage skateboard gang? Was it the Warriors? No, what was it? There was three. It was like three or four.

And they were spread out across a... Yeah, it was a gang of roller skaters. Not super busy intersection. And did they get out of the way or did they then break check you like those creepy bikers did to that poor family on the west side highway the most that's the most offensive thing to have happened in my city of new york that all those bikers are not in jail right now do you read about that this This may not have hit the national news. No, I didn't.

A biker gang, not a gang, but a club of young motorcycle enthusiasts decided to shut down traffic on the West Side Highway. And they got mad when a normal citizen wanted to use the highway for what it is there for and was driving on it. And the bikers, they brake checked him. They pulled right up in front of him and slowed down purposely to bring him to a stop on the highway. And then they started yelling at him and he moved over and knocked over one of their bikes and, and ran over one of them, which then ensued in a chase of 15 or more bikers chasing this family down and pulling the guy out and beating him. And you know what? No one should run over anybody on the road. Do you know, no one should run over

anybody on the road, but he had a, he had a wife and a child in the car and he was surrounded by bikes with stopped him on the West side highway for reasons that he probably didn't even understand. He didn't know that they wanted to have their club wheelie meeting or whatever there. Cause it was, he was using, Oh, it makes me so mad. And some of them were undercover police officers.

And I have not heard a thing, a lick of justice in the situation at all. And the point I'm trying to make to you, I'm just moving ahead to the verdict. This point, the point I'm trying to make is that this is, you know, this is a lawless land out there

you know and it's the world those teenagers were were flouting the the essential lawlessness of a of a suburban greater boston area road at midnight between the wendy's and the intersection. There is no law. Your car, your car belongs there. But if they say, no, this is our skateboard park. Now there's nothing you can do. That's what makes teenagers so annoying.

Cause they're flouting the law and you got mad and you honked that horn and they gave you the middle finger, but it could have gone worse. Couldn't it have Wes? You were just flouting the law, and you got mad, and you honked that horn, and they gave you the middle finger. But it could have gone worse. Couldn't it have, Wes? I can only imagine. It could have, probably. He could have distracted them so much with his horn honking that they fell over, and he accidentally ran them over. And then we'd be having this Skype call from a prison,

I would imagine. I know, because the two of you would have gone to prison together. Okay, Wes. Wes would have gone down with you. No, it's true. I mean, you were putting aggression onto the road, and you never know what's going to happen when that happens. Even though you're in the car, you know, those guys got skateboards. They could have thrown a skateboard at your windshield.

I'm saying this as a guy who, when I got my driver's license late at the age of 19, liked to drive around Boston late at night. And two dudes walked out of a nightclub at one o'clock in the morning or whatever. And I drove around just because I was like, I can do this. Like I can be, I can be around. I am in a capsule of safety. I can go and see Boston in the middle of the night. And two dudes came out of a nightclub and they drunkenly walked right out into the middle of the street. And I had to come to a screeching halt. And I was so mad. I did not honk the horn. I was so mad i did not honk the horn i was so mad and freaked out and dumb that i felt i need to remind these two dudes that who were just like they were they were they were you know

completely unthreatening fratty bc dudes like they weren't they weren't tough guys do you know what i mean but i need to remind them uh excuse me, gentlemen, I am in a Subaru Loyal. And so they stood there staring at me, you know, in that lawless world between the Wendy's and the Interstate. They stood there staring at me. I'd come to a screeching halt. They were in the middle of a city street that they had walked out into without a care in the world. They stared at me angrily

and I just lifted the brake gently until I nudged one of their shins. One of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life. And guess what? This did not resolve the situation. It made them really mad. And,

and one guy got so mad that he lifted his fist and he smashed it down onto the hood of my mom's Subaru loyal, a dent that Benny dented it. I think he probably hurt himself very badly. And his friend walked him away and he yelled at me and I drove on. And I never explained to my mom and dad how that dent got into the car, but it was there for the rest of my mom's natural life and its natural life. One of many great Subaru Loyal stories I got. So you see what I'm getting at here?

Do I need to hear any more? Do I even need to go into my chambers? I can illustrate. I have several other illustrative stories. Give me one more. All right, this actually pertains to the motorcycle story that you were talking about, which I hadn't heard about. I guess it didn't reach us in Western Mass.

But there was... Well, you're not in Western Mass. Yes, I am. Marblehead? Oh, no, no, no. I'm not in Marblehead right now. Oh, where are you now? Oh, I'm in Amherst.

Oh, all right. I go to the University of Massachusetts. Lovely. Go Minutemen. I was trying so hard to remember what the sports team was there. The Minutemen, yes. Football's terrible. Basketball's doing all right.

That's all I needed to hear. I just like the names of the teams. I don't want to know anything about anything else. Fair enough. So you're out there in western Massachusetts. Well, this takes place back in Marblehead. I don't see him in western Massachusetts. This is a dizzying tour of the Commonwealth that I'm getting.

I love your voice, but you've got to work on your getting to the points-ness. That's fair. This happens a few times any time that we're driving around. It's happened before before and it probably will happen again is if when we're driving around marblehead salem swamscape whatever um if someone is tailgating adam if someone is right up on his uh you know rear um adam will slow down the car so much that eventually the other person will just pass him as some sort of passive aggressive show of i don't know what vengeance i guess on what kind

of road are we talking about a two a two lane generally a two lane quiet suburban road generally late at night so it's not super dangerous but no no no i'm just trying to get a picture so are we talking about a kind of like adam would be forcing the person behind him to to pass him um yes over over a double yellow line yes okay into oncoming traffic in order to get around potentially well yeah i mean not not that there is necessarily cars inbound, but, you know, into another lane of travel. Yes.

Yeah. Adam, when you do this dumb thing, does the person behind you flash his or her high beams at you to get you to speed up? Oh yeah, that definitely happens. It's like the true meeting. I would just love to have a repeating gif, a meme of just this, of the two worst drivers in the world.

The tailgater who comes up and flashes and the person who break chicks break checks out of spite but do you know but guess but guess what adam since this is just this is just a rolling verdict this week jesse's taking a nap i'm gonna i'm gonna do a snap judgment right. You know who's worse between the two of you? Tailgater. Tailgater's the worst. Yeah, that's never been my, I guess, tool of aggression on the road. I'm not a headlight flasher.

I'm not a tailgater. I'd also like to say that I've never hit anyone's shin or anyone's body part for that matter. Is that true, Wes wes or no or is he just antagonizing this court he has never hit anyone but he's also antagonizing the court have you just because i don't like the tailgater by by a fraction of a degree more than i don't like your behavior doesn't mean that your behavior is good. I mean, yeah, I'll come back to tailgating in a minute. Alright, how many accidents have you been

in, Adam? I actually have only been in a single accident and it was the other person's fault. Seriously. They ran a red light. Sure. I understand that. It's happened. Wes has been in, if I may,

Wes has been in, I don't think he hasn't been in more than one unless something else happened, but that one was his fault. Although kind of, there's a story behind that one as well where it's kind of my fault. Well, now I have to hear it.

You cut his brake lines and then it was something along those lines not that dramatic no it's not that dramatic i didn't feel he was going fast enough so i climbed down to his ankles and started pushing on the accelerator technically he was the driver it's It's actually indirectly his fault. It is mostly my fault, and I took responsibility for it, and I paid off the damage to my father's car. But I was driving around Marblehead late at night.

I had just gotten my license late at 18. Yeah, I love this story. Thank you. No, but I was driving around, and i made the mistake of checking my phone to look at a picture message that adam had sent me and it was of a um particularly goofy looking jeopardy contestant and i laughed and i accidentally swerved a little bit and i side swiped a tree oh so tree you went off the road you went off the road wait how did you get all the way to a tree well and jesse this is marble this is marblehead late at night the trees come along right next to

the road the tree was very close to the road was there a curb there was no curb no no were you just driving in a forest pretty much like like a creek bed i may as well have been there it's it gets it's not rural per se but the trees are pretty close to the road jesse grew up in san francisco he lives in los angeles he he's a western person he's a man of the west he doesn't understand i i completely can see yeah the the The trees are, they're a menace, frankly. Exactly. You know, we got old, we got old trees, you know, not like your newfangled redwoods out there, Jesse. We got mature, mature trees that think they own the road.

Describe finally a situation, Wes, where Adam honks the horn while you were driving. It's generally, if someone has cut me off, if I was in the driver's seat during the skateboarding

incident, he most certainly would have reached over. This has happened, right? This is not a hypothetical. He has done it. Oh, absolutely. You can't think of a time you didn't prepare i can't think of a specific incident it's happened so often that i i can't distinguish between incidences anymore oh okay i understand did you now have you prepared your translation of i parked the car in harvard yard oh yes i did i almost forgot about that uh it's um i might be pronouncing this verb wrong but uh okay i've heard everything i need to hear i am going to go through my drive through chambers i'll be back in a moment with my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Wes, how are you feeling? I'm feeling pretty good right now. I think I made my point well, and the judge seemed to be on my side for most of it, although I know that sometimes when it seems that way, the decisions tend to go the opposite way. But I'm feeling good. Adam, how are you feeling? I'm feeling better than I thought I would. I was glad that the judge had some similar experiences to me.

And in the case that he gave us, his actions were actually more severe than mine. So hopefully that factors into his decision. To be fair, you're a maniac. Well, guys, we'll see what the judge has to say when we come back with his decision in just a minute. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic.

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They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit MadeInCookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N Cookware dot com. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. That, my friends, is a bosun's whistle that I happen to have on my desk, which I suggest, Adam, you drive around with from now on. As a way of expressing your anger at the world when things don't go exactly the way

you want them to in the car. A loud piercing sound that you can hear that will get it out of your system so you do not put yourself in danger. But I make that suggestion. I do not make that order. If you are alone in the car,

you may honk at your discretion. Because honking, like flashing headlights, is one of two exclusive and very limited ways that drivers can communicate with one another if they don't have cell phones or the ability to moon one another or visible contact via finger-to-finger contact, eye contact. And it is occasionally necessary to communicate to another vehicle. The horn is there for a reason. It is to, the proper use of the horn is to indicate to other drivers and the world around you, I am here, don't collide with me. I am behind you, don't collide with me. You're doing something wrong and you're putting me in danger.

Please don't hurt me. An improper use of the horn would be easy and to say, I hate you. I hate you a lot for five seconds or 30 seconds for a very simple reason that has nothing to do with etiquette the car horn is designed to communicate danger when my wife had her first car people would honk at her and she didn't know why. They would honk and drive by and point at her car that she had bought off of a yard in Springs, New York for a dollar.

Didn't even have a key. Didn't have a door key. It was an old VW Jetta. And she thought something was terrible with her car. She would pull over and she would look and it was fine. She never found out. The only thing that she could imagine was either fire was coming out of the back of the car. Or there was a murderer in the back seat who was about to kill her. the back seat was about to kill her.

She eventually tried to sell the car to a Sesame Street writer for $100. That writer for a children's television writer she tried to kill with her car. That writer had the car for a day and then called and left a message on an answering machine.

This is how long ago it was. Saying, I cannot buy this car. When I drive around, people honk at me and point in terror. I don't know what's happening. We never did figure it out. Sometimes you have to honk to indicate that someone is causing you danger or there is something going wrong with their car. Someone might be in the backseat trying to murder them. And that is why a horn sounds like this. It does not sound like, excuse me, or by the way, I hate you. And the reason this is more than just an issue of etiquette is that when you lay on the horn, it will startle other drivers or other people. It will cause them panic and anxiety.

And then they might accidentally become as bad a driver as you are. There is so much that can go wrong. You are always just, and like, you know, when I tell that story about the bikers on the West side highway, I am on record on the internet. And now on this podcast, those bikers were in the wrong,

but one of the bikers was very seriously hurt. And the, and the dude who drove over that biker didn't, didn't go out that day expecting to have to drive over a biker and hurt him and cripple him for life. Right? Anytime you take the car out on a road, even if it's a midnight road in Marblehead, you're always, you're inches away from a life-altering event. You know, those skateboarders,

let's face it, they were punks. Nothing was going to happen there. But something very bad could have happened because of the really stupid decision I made to move my car one inch further than it should have ever gone. And when there is that much at stake, adding anxiety and an additional anxiety and panic to the equation

is never a good idea. This obviously includes the act of tailgating, which is the dumbest thing in the world i don't know if my friend jim kenefic from drake at massachusetts listens to this podcast he's the only other person i know whose accent rivals yours wes for beauty massachusettsian beauty. Very flattered to hear that. But that dude tailgates. He drives too fast behind cars and gets too close. The dumbest thing you can do as a driver. You're taking your life in your hands.

Anything could go wrong in that car up there. And as soon as it does, as soon as Adam Snapchats Wes a picture of a goofy tree or whatever it was that happened, and he hits the brakes, then all of a sudden my friend Jim Kennefic is dead or crippled for life. Flashing your high beams to get someone to go faster is, I think, a sure sign of utter human monstrosity. And if you have ever done it and you subscribe to this podcast, may I ask you to unsubscribe? I don't want to ever not hear from you again.

It's the worst. Keep your distance from other cars. Honk your horn when you or another is in danger. keep your distance from other cars, honk your horn when you or another is in danger, or if someone is a dummy and doesn't realize that the light has turned green, you may do this. Practice that, Adam. For the rare occasion when you need to use that horn, and try not to die. Ultimately, though, when you're in your car alone, I can't stop you from doing anything,

but I can tell you this. Well, you know what? I can, actually, because you're never in the car alone. You're never in the car alone. You may think you're in the car alone, but if there's anyone else on the road with you, you're there with them. If there's no one else on the road with you, your family is with you, and they will be sad if you hurt yourself and die. And at the very least, there's that guy hiding in the backseat

who's going to murder you. He's back there too. So use the horn properly. It goes without saying that you cannot ever interfere with another driver in the middle of driving ever again. That is that. Well, it goes without saying, so I'm not going to say it except to say it. Don't do it. I'm not going to say it.

Except to say it. Don't do it. And I think you can flash your headlights when you want to give someone the right of way. In Massachusetts, that's what we do. I think I better figure it out in Louisiana, though, because it might mean something very different. It might mean l'aise et le bon temps roulet. How about that French accent?

That's very good. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Let me ask you this, guys. How are you feeling? I will start with you, Wes. I'm feeling very good.

I think the judge made the right call. And I'm glad that Adam is now forced by internet law to lay off the horn a little bit and drive a little less aggressively. Adam, are you ready to change your behavior? Yeah, I definitely think being here In New Orleans has made me a little bit calmer I just hope that Wes gives me control of the radio

Once in a while if that can be like Our little compromise I don't know I don't know about that one If you let me sometimes I'll stop honking your horn Alright Guys thanks for taking the time To be on the Judge John Hodgman podcast it was great to

talk to you thank you thank you get off my rear judge hodgman jeez louise i see you back there i'm going the speed i'm going i'm not gonna speed up Rear, Judge Hodgman. Jeez Louise. Meep, meep. I see you back there. I'm going the speed I'm going. I'm not going to speed up. That's the Dukes of Hazzard honk. Hello, teachers and faculty.

This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. Remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Ah, it'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah! We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself.

A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. That's the honk from 20% of the cars in the neighborhood I grew up in. A solid 20%. Could someone write in and tell me, what was the name of the car from the Dukes of Hazzards again? I can't believe I can't remember the things I used to remember. The General Lee. The General Lee. Right.

The racist car. Can someone call in and tell me why they welded the doors shut? I've never been able to figure that out. Was it for structural integrity? Oh, maybe it was for structural integrity. They had a lot of concerns about torsion. Well, I'll tell you something. I am certain.

We've been getting some great letters from Judge John Hodgman listeners telling me how wrong I was in five or six paragraphs. And I really love them, actually. listeners telling me how wrong I was in five or six paragraphs, and I really love them, actually. So if someone can write five paragraphs, or, you know, just like a short essay on why it would be a good idea to, well, the car doors shut, let me know. Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. But let's clear the docket. Here's something from George. Winnie the Pooh. I do not understand this name. Is it Winnie or Pooh? It's like being called George the John. Can you help clarify this?

My wife Jillian thinks I should let this rest, but I'm stuck on it. She says it's an unusual naming structure, but does not require clarification. I disagree. Yeah, no, it's a child. Christopher Robin was a child who named his bear Winnie the name The Poo. Nonsense words from weird child logic that makes no sense. And that's the reason that it is an enduring character, The reason that it is an enduring character is that Winnie the Pooh serves as a constant window into the schizophrenia of childhood.

The utter mental illness that is childhood. That is why it is named Winnie the Pooh. My son recently got a DVD of the television program Yo Gabba Gabba for, gosh, I guess it was a Christmas gift. And he's taken to naming all kinds of things in his life after the main characters of Yo Gabba Gabba, especially Muno. But I mean, the other ones as well. He's often Muno. But he said, gosh, I'm trying to think of what the characters are. Do you remember the names of any of the other non-Muno? Oh, Plex.

Plex is the one he was talking about. Today he said, I want to bring Plex to school with me. He's two and a half. And he picked up Cookie Monster and showed me Cookie Monster. It's like, oh God, my branded worlds are colliding. My child has been so brainwashed

that he's cross branding now. Yeah, you know, I'm afraid I'm not as conversant with Yo Gabba Gabba. I like to keep it pure for that reason. I'm a pure Mr. Rogers guy. And if you ever want a window into the schizophrenia of childhood, just take a little walk through the land of make-believe.

Man, I'll tell you what. There's a tiger that lives in a clock. With my son, I recently watched an episode of Mr. Rogers where it featured the flying trolley. So the trolley that takes you to the land of make-believe is on tracks. Yeah. But it had a cousin from Paris, France that had a helicopter whirly gig on top of it and also had some twinkling bells and stuff like that and flew.

And when I saw it on the screen, it was the most vivid rush of nostalgia I've ever felt because it direct me. It directly plugged me in to the sense of being. I think this was a Mr. Rogers from 1984. So I would have been three years old being three years old and just thinking, what the F is this? This is amazing. The trolley has transformed. What's going on? Is this the real trolley or the other trolley?

Is this a new trolley? The same way I couldn't figure out the difference between Mr. T, the professional wrestler, Mr. T from the A-team, and Mr. T from the cartoon Mr. T. Yeah, I mean, and, you know, Mr. Rogers, as much as everyone on Twitter delighted on me dancing on his grave recently in the grammar episode,

where I made reference of the sad fact that Mr. Rogers is dead in a way that ended up being unintentionally hilarious. hilarious. But Mr. Rogers is the best because he truly understood the weird dream logic of children. And I cannot highly recommend I cannot recommend more

highly to parents, especially new parents, to watch Mr. Rogers and dig his wisdom about how children's emotions work and follow his lead and appreciate that this is a guy who knew that if there is a magical trolley that takes you to a world of make-believe, it naturally will have a cousin that has a helicopter propeller on it and it's from france like only a child or mr rogers could have made that sort of dream logic leap that that makes no sense and yet a child understands it intuitively

yeah of course that tiger lives in that clock of course he's got a french cousin who lives in an Eiffel Tower across town. Of course, Lady Elaine Fairchild, one of the most terrifying creatures on Earth and yet so pitiable. Oh, I tell you that Adventure Time, as much as I love it, in terms of the pure psychedelia, it's got nothing on Mr. Rogers. Can I recommend, I had a guest on my show a couple of years ago named Benjamin Wagner who made a really lovely movie called Mr. Rogers and Me. Love that movie. And I really recommend people seek out that film. It's a very simple documentary about Mr. Rogers and his life and about Ben's relationship with Mr. Rogers and also the relationship between Mr. Rogers and all of the people whose lives he touched during his life. I mean, Mr. Rogers, as it turns out, the worst thing, Ben told me, the worst thing you could say about Mr. Rogers was that his children felt like he loved everyone

in the world as much as he loved them. And it's a really, it's a really lovely, it's a really lovely thing. And Mr. Rogers is a special dude. I almost started crying just now. Let's get to the next question for the docket. I lived with my current significant other, Alex, for eight years in Brooklyn. Since then, we've gone on to graduate schools in different places, UMass Amherst and Wake Forest. Since we no longer live together, we depend on our phones as our primary method of communication. Alex still uses a flip phone that he got 10 years

ago. He refuses to upgrade. Our conversations regularly end in frustration because I cannot hear him or his phone dies mid-sentence. I know smartphones and data plans can be expensive, but why not upgrade to an inexpensive non-smartphone? Alex has decided he'll only upgrade if ordered to do so by you. Judge Hodgman, will you issue such an order? Yes, of course I issue it. Diane wants to talk to you, Alex. I don't know whether you're the one in Amherst or you're the one in Wake Forest, But if you don't upgrade your phone, Diana's going to think that you are running some kind of scam. She's going to think that you're cheating on her.

Oh yeah, I can't talk to you right now. My 2003 era Razer phone just died. Goodbye. You know, can I recommend... I think there are a lot of options. Diane should just buy you something. I ordered Diane to buy him a phone. How about that?

You know, he could just go to the convenience store and get a prepaid phone known as a burner. The advantage is it makes it harder for the cops to get up on the wire. Yeah. What Diane should do is she should drive. Let's say she's at Amherst. Drive down 91, hit 95 from Hartford to Florida, stopping at every convenience store, buying as many burners as possible, like that one kid did on the wire.

And then mail them all to Wake Forest in a crate. That's how you say, I love you in the dream logic of a child. I do miss that razor though. That had a nice heft. That was the first nice cell phone I got. It was a nice cell phone. I, I,

you know, back when phones were just phones. Yeah, it was good. That was a good one. I liked it. Fit very nicely in a, in a suit pocket,

but you know me, I don't want to use CB radios now. 10 for good buddy. Roger that. Our producer is Julia Smith. Our editor is Mark McConville. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHo. MaximumFun.org slash JJHO.

MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Special thanks this week to Jason Puckett and Dan Friedman, who named our case. Good looking out, Jason and Dan. If you want to name a future episode of Judge John Hodgman, like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Hodgman is at Hodgman. H-O-D-G-M-A-N.

Good spelling, Jesse. Thank you. You can always catch up with me and all of my tour dates and appearances and things that are going on at johnhodgman.com. And I got some dates coming up in Alexandria, Virginia, just outside of D.C., Los Angeles, Durham, North Carolina, all over the place. Just go over to johnhodgman.com or sign up for the mailing list. Bit.ly slash hodgmail, H-O-D-G-M-A-I-L. Good spelling, John. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Bye bye.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfund.org and our Facebook group at facebook.com slash judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online. And next time right here on the judge John Hodgman podcast,

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