Judge John Hodgman - Horseless Miscarriage of Justice

Episode Date: September 25, 2013

Gearhead Abraham brings the case against his sister Sonja: why won't she take his advice when buying a car?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, horseless miscarriage of justice. Abraham brings the case against his sister Sonia. Abraham is an automotive enthusiast, so Sonia enlisted his help with the purchase of a new car. Abraham suggested a manual transmission car would be best suited to her needs and wants to teach her to drive it. Sonia now wants to back away to drive it. Sonia now wants to back away from the deal. Can Judge John Hodgman maneuver his way through this dispute? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Judge Hodgman, Judge Hodgman, going faster miles an hour, gonna drive past the stop and shop with the podcast on. I'm in love with Massachusetts and the neon when it's cold outside and the highway when it's late at night. Got the podcast on.

I'm like Judge Sean Hodgman. Podcast on. I got the internet. Podcast on. I got the internet podcast on. I got the car, got the internet podcast on. I got the internet sound, got the podcast on, got the rock and podcast sound podcast on. I got the car from Massachusetts podcast on. I got the power of Massachusetts when it's late at night. Podcast on judge,

John Hodgman on the podcast, podcast on bailiff, Jesse, swear the Man. All right. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. Sure.

Yes. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that recently he's been talking about getting around exclusively on inline skates? I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman. You may be seated, Abraham and Sonia, brother and sister, for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors. I know that one of you will be able to identify the piece of popular culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom.

Abraham, you better get this one right. Your Honor, I believe that's a send-up of the Modern Lover's song, Roadrunner. Sonia, would you like to enter a plea? I would like to enter a plea of not guilty.

Abraham, I really want to give this one to you because you got it right. And I'm glad you did. However, I wanted you to say Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers. That's going to be the fine hair that I will split to get out of my promise to find in your favor. Because the reality is you think you're a ringer already, because you know we've heard this argument before. Do you not? I believe, like I said, there's case law supporting my position. Right. Specifically, with regard to a man trying to convince a woman in order to drive manual

shift cars, it was the stick shift rift, verdict number 52, in which Cosmo, the improbably named husband in this case, believed that his wife, Jen, should learn to drive his manual shift car because her car was constantly breaking down and she was having difficulty getting around with their infant child. And she refused to learn to drive his manual shift car because it was scary. And Abraham, you know what the outcome of that case was?

Your Honor, you ruled in favor of Cosmo. I ruled in favor of Cosmo. I ordered that woman to learn to drive manual shift cars. So why are you bringing this case back before my court? What is different? Sonia, do you think your circumstances as the person who does not want to learn how to drive a manual shift car, are different enough to warrant a different verdict? Absolutely. This is a completely different set of circumstances.

All right. First of all, you are brother and sister. Is that correct? Correct. Yes. And if I may ask, who is older? I am by almost six years. Do you have any other siblings?

We do not. Sonia, this is a delicate question, but I'm going to ask it anyway. What is your age? I am just turned 32 this past Saturday. Happy birthday to you. I will not sing it because I will not be sued by ASCAP. But you could just say the words to happy birthday as we know them without singing it to that melody. Right. Just as I spoke sung the words to Roadrunner by Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers and will not get sued. Cool. Although in that case, I might actually get sued because I don't think Jonathan Richman sings them either. I think he just talks them too.

Okay. So you are 32 years old and you have recently learned to drive. Is that correct? Yes. This past spring. Okay. And happy birthday to you again for giving yourself that birthday present of the gift of mobility. And you have learned to drive in part because of a change in your geographical circumstances. Describe that change to me. I have recently received a job in Western Massachusetts. I'm in love with Massachusetts. Now you see why I picked that song? So I'm learning to love it too, but we're keeping our primary apartment or residence in Manhattan. And so I'm going to be doing a lot of driving. Yeah, I would say so. What is the job? I'm teaching at one of the fine universities here.

In Western Massachusetts? That is correct. Is it one of the five schools of the five college area in the Pioneer Valley of Western Massachusetts, my second hometown? Indeed. Which one is it? Yes, I am currently in Northampton. Should I say, can I identify what university I teach at?

I allow buzz marketing of public institutions and private universities. Fantastic. And anything to do with Western Massachusetts. I was going to say, actually, it is a state university. I am at UMass Amherst. You're at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, a fine school. They granted a PhD to, excuse me, a master's, no, a doctorate of education to whom jesse i don't know dr william cosby who hasn't granted a doctorate to dr william cosby what's that oh yeah but he but he actually

this was the doctorate he earned while he and and his thesis was uh the cartoon fat albert that's what that was his thesis that was his That was his senior project. If people don't know who Dr. William Cosby is, they would probably know him as, of course, the executive producer of The Cosby Show. Right. Guess what? It's the same guy, everybody.

That's his little joke. Bill Cosby went to UMass Amherst. A lot of people went to UMass Amherst. Amy Radford went to UMass Amherst. A lot of people went to UMass Amherst. Amy Radford went to UMass Amherst. Tim McGonigal, Mr. Black Francis of the Pixies attended UMass for a period of time. That's why there is that Pixies song, UMass, brand new Pixies record out. I'll buzz market that. That's Western Massachusetts too. Anything to do with Western Massachusetts gets a buzz market for me as anyone who listened to my summertime podcast with Monty Belmonte, a morning DJ at WRSI, the river, another buzz market.

You're going to have a wonderful time. You living in North Hampton? Yeah, I am currently subletting a place here. And you're working at UMass Amherst? Yep. I hope you love the car you drive because you are going to be sitting in traffic a lot i have in in the rental that i am using i have experienced that traffic quite a bit yeah crossing that bridge over the over the connecticut river on route nine between amherst and northampton i dislike that bridge yeah you're gonna you're going to get a lot of advice from me

and a lot of firm instructions about how to live your life. What kind of car are you renting? I think it's a Nissan thingy. I'm not really sure. No. Nissan thingy is a good model. That's a best buy from J.D. Power and Associates this year. Yeah, look that up on Edmunds. And may I presume that it is an automatic transmission? That is correct, yes. Now, you have turned to your brother Abraham for advice as to what car to buy permanently. Yes. And Abraham has refused to advise you. Is that not correct? What is the problem, Abraham? Well, actually,

Your Honor, I will advise her no matter what. I've just suggested that the vehicle that would meet her needs the best would most likely be a manual transmission. And why is that, sir? the vehicle that would meet her needs the best would most likely be a manual transmission. And why is that, sir? Economy. Go on. Well, it's well documented that manual transmission cars are cheaper to purchase, cheaper to maintain, and maintain their value better once the initial depreciation has settled in.

Do you have well documentation to actually provide to me? At this moment, no. Or is this just more of your grease monkey hearsay? Your Honor, probably a little bit of both. Is this a concern for you, Sonia, economy? Very much so, yes. Right. Because you are, after all, but a poor college professor.

With a natural inclination towards cheapness yeah and you are going to be doing a lot of driving because you refuse to actually move to the place where you work for the time being why aren't you why aren't you moving to well first of all first mistake not that i have anything against northampton is a great a great town, but you should be in Hadley or you should be in Sunderland or you should be in Amherst itself. Your Honor? Yes? As an alum of one of the five colleges myself, I recommend Belchertown. All right. All right, Belchertown. So noted.

What college were you graduated from? Uh, Hampshire. Oh, let, let's just say your opinions are colored somewhat. Yeah. What was your,

what was your self, what was your self devised major? Uh, cultural studies i didn't think it could get vaguer cultural studies what was it what did it involve that's correct like what when was when was this how old are you uh i'm 26 uh so not that long ago i only graduated about two years ago as it's, no, not at all. Was cultural studies a self-devised major focusing on the curriculums of college, or I should say the curricula of colleges during the early 1990s? Because that's all we talked about then.

Hampshire College in many ways is a time capsule of the early 1990s. Do you know who is also a graduate of Hampshire College? Lee Schreiber. Brett Martin, author of the book Difficult Men, was the person I was thinking of. Or Dr. Eugene Merman. Ah, he spoke at my commencement. Oh, that was a great speech that he gave. That hit the internet because it was funny.

I was pleasant at that. And you know why it was funny? Why is that? Dr. Eugene Merman self-devised his major. He majored in stand-up comedy. But let's face it, you self-devised your major. Why should we listen to anything you say? I could probably answer that for him.

It's because he is independent of thought. Look at this. I'm defending my brother. Wait a minute. But you are a professor of what? I am. And I'm trying to decide whether or not to divulge all these personal details on the internet. But sure.

We're not giving your last name. You don't have to give me the specific department if you would prefer not to but is it the sciences or the humanities no no my brother went to hampshire college we're a humanities family okay uh but you obviously chose the more rigorous path uh if you like sure abraham what do you do for a living now? I work for a specialty finance company. Hampshire College, what? Someone's got to pay those student loans. Your brother, who went to Hampshire College not two years ago, when he graduated at the age of 24,

an early graduation age for Hampshire, is willing to divulge that he now works as a hedge fund ghoul. And you're afraid to say what department you work in at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst? One of us has to be the guilty party here. Why aren't you moving to the western Massachusetts? That's what I want to know. Because my... You're snobby.

Partly, yes. And we grew up in Manhattan, so we like staying there. But no, also my husband, this works better for him for work. What does he do? He works for a health... No, not quite. He's a health economist. And what does that involve? Consulting.

Are you saying that he's... But beyond that, I don't know. He... Are you saying that he's in the mob? I guess a pharmaceutical mob. All right. And his job is in manhattan correct so how often are you going to drive up to your future home of hadley or sunderland or belchertown or northampton um i i will be here probably four or five days a week depending depending on that given semester's teaching schedule. And then summer times you're going to spend in Western Massachusetts with me, the best place in the world. Or in Manhattan.

Oh, right. The best place to spend the summer. I guess you don't like corn and fun times. That's fine. No, I love air. I love air conditioners and homeless people. All right. That doesn't exist in Manhattan anymore. They've been chased out. You also are thinking of the 1990s, apparently. When Judge Hodgman says that they've been chased out, he's talking about the air conditioners. They've been chased out by the personal air coolers that the billionaires have hired.

The homeless people they've hired to fan them with palm fronds all right so you're going to be doing a lot of driving yep and where in manhattan again just regionally you don't have to i know you're paranoid that someone's going to track you down from my fake podcast but but where are you where are you uh where are you driving from? What region of the city will you be driving from? Upper Manhattan, very near the tippy top. Oh, easy peasy. Indeed. You just hop on the Henry Hudson.

That becomes the sawmill. Take the cross county to the hutch. The hutch becomes the Merritt. Take the Merritt up to converges with 91 just before Hartford. Take 91 all the way up to exit 19. That is Byzantine. I take the I-95 to I-91 and exit 18.

I find in Abraham's favor. Good night, everybody. You have so much to learn. Apparently. And manual shifting being one of them. Why don't you want to learn the art uh and science of driving a manual shift car the best way to drive so so clearly you're not biased well because i mean for one our um technological overlords have decreed that we should have this wonderful gift of automatic.

So why should I shun that? We've got toilets and microwaves and all these other wonderful contraptions. So it does the work for me. Isn't that beautiful? But what about Abraham's suggestion that you're going to save tons of money because manual shift cars get much better gas mileage? But what about my insurance premium when I roll down that hill? Because for some reason, automatic, excuse me, manual cars roll down hills. Not if you drive them properly. And there's the rub. This is the issue.

You hit the parking brake and you park it in gear. You got to do that with an automatic transmission as well. And besides, you're living in a valley, not in a hill. It's a pioneer valley. So doesn't that mean that I'm just going to go down forward in the car if I'm not cautious? Sonia, let's get to the meat of this. Sonia let's get to the meat of this when this case was brought to me you were quoted

as saying that you did not want to drive a manual shift transmission because a let me get the document in front of me this is what your brother said she refuses to learn

how to drive stick which by the way is the worst let's just say manual transmission This is what your brother said. She refuses to learn how to drive stick, which, by the way, is the worst. Let's just say manual transmission. She refuses to learn how to drive a manual transmission on the grounds that it is too hard and too, yes or no? Yeah, indeed. Of course, there are three pedals. Too scary, yes or no?

I'm not judging. Yeah, scary. Yeah, scary. Yeah, indeed. And that driving a manual transmission makes you look like a jerk. Yeah, there's also the poser element. Okay, now too hard and too scary. That I completely understand. Why are you attacking me?

And your brother? Why are we jerks all of a sudden well okay i wouldn't say jerk jerk is not the word i did say poser i will admit to that i think there is a lot of posturing that goes along with with uh people who drive manual um i hear a lot of them saying that they like to feel the road. I don't even know what that means. I don't want to feel the road. I want to be very far away from feeling the road. You think there's like a snobbishness? Yes. Like someone who works in the Pioneer Valley but won't live there? Because they've got to be near the opera?

Touche. Oh, French now. All right. Touche. Oh, French now. All right. I see. Very well educated. Abraham. Yes, Your Honor.

I'm going to quote something to you. I have a document that I'd like to quote to you. Go on. It might have been true once, but it's not true for all cars anymore. Vehicles with manual transmissions generally are more fuel efficient than their automatic counterparts, but not always and not by much. Take as an example the fuel-sipping 2012 Chevrolet Cruze Eco. Not Buzzmark, and I'm quoting here. Its manual version gets 28 miles per gallon per city.

The automatic gets 26 miles per gallon per city. The automatic gets 26 miles per gallon per city. The manual costs you about $100 less per year in fuel, according to fueleconomy.gov. With the 2012 Ford Focus, the six-speed automatic version performs better. It gets 28 miles per gallon in the city, 30 in on the highway, and 31 combined. If you spring for the super fuel economy option package, which also uses six- spring for the super fuel economy option package, which also uses six-speed automatic transmission, fuel economy rises to 28 per city, 40 highway, 33 combined. With a manual transmission, the Focus can't match the automatic. The 2012 Honda Fit with a manual transmission gets 33 on the highway.

The automatic, by contrast, gets 35 on the highway. Edmunds.com, five myths about stick shifts. How do you respond? Your Honor, I have a response to that. Those cars are all brand new automatic transmissions of the sixth and even sometimes occasionally eight-speed variety. The car that I believe would fit my sister's budget would be several years older

and be of the three or four speed automatic variation. You want to put your sister in an old car? Well, she's given me a specific budget to work with. Oh, okay. I didn't realize that. It's interesting that she did not reveal that. Okay. So given the budget, you want to put her in what? I was thinking maybe a 2006 Subaru Outback Sport. Well, you really want to make her into a Western Massachusetts cliche, don't you?

It's a pet project of mine. Okay, so you want to put her in a 2006 Outback? Do you have a particular vehicle in mind? No, not necessarily. And how much better is the fuel economy in the 06 Outback manual compared to the automatic? To be honest, Your Honor, I haven't done my due diligence and research. Do you have any data whatsoever? No.

Are you a gearhead, sir? Your Honor, if that means an automotive enthusiast, then yes. That is what it means. At least from a non-gearhead perspective. Are you, sir, animatronic? Answer me. Does your mouth move by virtue

of a system of gears? Don't wait for the transformation. Answer me now. Are you an autobot? No. Alright, so tell me a little bit of your bona fides. Do you like that Sonia Latin? Bona fides. See, I'm smart. Well, it would be

bona fides, actually. Ooh, ooh, ooh. If you want a French pronunciation. What would you say? So tell me your bona fides d'automobile. Why should I trust you about anything? What would you say? So tell me, tell me your, your, your bona fides, uh, uh, Dottomobile. Why should I trust you about anything? Uh, well, uh, I like to modify vehicles. Um,

and I like to race them and I keep up with, uh, all the latest automotive news on the internet and occasionally through print media. Wait a minute, hedge fund. Are you saying you like to pimp out cars and you like to drag race? Uh, I don't know. Not, not that. I like to road race on, uh, on tracks.

What kind of cars do you race? Uh, I drive and race Mazda Miatas. I have no, I have no idea why that's so funny. Oh, I guess it fits in with the theme of your obsession with the 90s. Don't bruise his ego. Wait a minute. Abraham, do they still make miatas under the mark miata? They changed the name miata so that men would buy them, but they still make Miatas under the mark Miata?

They changed the name Miata so that men would buy them, but they still don't. They changed the name in 2006 to what they use in the European market, which is the MX-5. Whoa, that sounds like a manly car that I want to buy. But they actually made it less manly. How did they make it less manly? They give an automatic transmission? Because that's what this is about, isn't it?

You bossing your sister around and calling her bossing your older sister around and calling her a girl because she doesn't want to. She doesn't. Nothing about gender from Hampshire. Well, there's that your, your brother is complex because he went to Hampshire and got the sensitivity training, but then he decided to go into finance and become a bro.

He's a man. He straddles many different worlds. He is a complex man. You are correct. How wrong am I, hedge fund? Your assumptions are correct about, I mean, I do straddle both worlds. The bro and the Hampshire world? Yeah.

world. The bro and the Hampshire world? Yeah. I mean, I went to Hampshire College and participated in, well, I didn't, I watched a lot of drum circles and read, you know, your Julia's Kristeva and your Theodora Dornos. But now I've abandoned all of that in the pursuit of speed and money. Sweet pulls, by the way. Good references. I like that. All right. How fast, how fast, how fast, how did, how is the, how is the MK Axe body spray or whatever they're calling it now?

Paradoxically less manly in your words than it once was. Oh no. Well, in the third generation of the car, uh, as it is now, it's sort of gotten a lot bigger and lighter or heavier, rather. And it's gotten bigger and heavier. And it's it just doesn't have the responsiveness and the stripped down nature that the first two generations. And how fast do you have you driven in one of these cars? What's your top speed? They're not noted for their speed in a straight line.

130 is the fastest I've gone in mine. That's fast. That's fast, man. Don't worry about it. You got it. It's fast. What's the fastest you've ever gone in a vehicle that you've been driving? Sonia, cover your ears, Sonia.

172 miles per hour. You're in so much trouble. What vehicle were you driving? Mom's car? Yeah, it was my mom's Toyota Corolla. No, it was a Nissan GTR. Oh, Nissan, your sister's favorite. And what were the circumstances in which you drove 175 miles an hour?

Where were you and what was the official sanction? Or was this just on the road late at night? No, I was at a runway that had been set aside for the day to allow people to do standing mile runs, which are how fast you can go from a stop in one mile. Did you win or did you come in ninth? No, it was an exhibition for me. I was merely allowed to drive the car up and down. So how is that a competition? Like, I'm sorry about this, Sonia,

but I'm just curious. Like all you're doing is you, you press down the pedal and go, Oh, but no, you're manual. You're shifting, right? Not really. A lot of these cars at this point have, um, have these semi-automatic gearboxes with the paddle shifters. Oh, my God. It's a competition. It's a competition of who can make their car the fastest.

How do you pronounce? Hey, Sonia, let me just check with you. How do you pronounce hypocrisy? In what language? You pick it, Amherst. You mass Amherst. Let's do Spanish. Hipocracia.

Hipocracia. Oh, show off. Semi-automatic? You're trying to tell your sister that the only thing that she should ever drive is manual or that she has to in order to be a true driver, and you are choosing convenience?

I've earned my use of that semi-automatic gearbox. Look, dude, you know I love driving manual. However, for the kind of driving that she's doing, and I know those roads really well, manual is not going to bring a lot of joy to her life. It's, well, let me put it this way way for the kind of roads that she's driving, which is to say straight up North and then back and forth between North Hampton and Amherst. It is not the most convenient style of driving. May I,

may I interrupt with some more information? I also, well, I also have bad knees because of years of running. And so I don't know, do manuals have cruise control? I enjoy that cruise control, so I can stretch my leg out. You somehow managed to invoke pity and brag at the same time. Are you a marathoner? Absolutely not. No, the most I've ever done is just over five miles. I'm not great. I just did it. Oh, okay. All right. Boy, oh boy. This is like the glass

brother and sister here. High achievers. I think another story about them is supposed to come out here. Talking to the Royal Tenenbaums over here. You're a speedy guy. You have 30 seconds to make a compelling argument to your sister, who has no need for a manual transmission in her life, and terrible knees due to her running fast on her gazelle-like legs to her posh job in the humanities field at UMass Amherst college that you could not qualify for. Why manual transmission is going to enhance her life so much that she should learn to drive it starting five, four.

You should learn to drive it starting five, four. So, yeah, you should learn how to drive a manual transmission because not only will it expand the amount of vehicles that you could purchase, particularly in the future, it will also help you rent a car in Europe, which I know you visit so often. That's all I got. That was pretty fast. That was 15 seconds. That's all I need. I'm a fast guy. I will concur that manual transmissions are the standard for rental cars in Europe.

Sonia, does that change your mind? That is one of the reasons why I was willing to hear out my brother. We spend most of our summers in Europe. And I found... Must be nice. Sorry? Nothing. That whole thing about spending the summer in Manhattan was a lie

to cover up for the fact that you actually spend most of your summers in Europe, and it's the people who drive stick who are the snobs and the posers. We have to for work, actually. You know what? I'm committing. For health economy. For health economy.

Hypocrisia! Hypocrisia! Hypocrisia! I think you're forcing me to commit character suicide here. I call it character self-assassination. When you go to Europe, where do you go? England. Okay.

And who drives? My husband doesn't know how to drive. So, so me, but, but this is the first summer I've had my license. So I've never driven in Europe before. So you've never driven. So, okay. So you've never driven in England before. No.

And so you're, you are actually are considering self-suicide. Not, not, not, not only is your brother suggesting that you learn to drive manual, but also within the first year of your ever driving, presumably if you go next summer, to drive on the opposite side of the road. Yeah, mayhem. Mayhem. How has driving enhanced your life so far? Are you happy about it? I love going grocery shopping now. It's a miracle. It's a miracle. Mobility is so good. You can pick where you go and you just go there and you don't have to run.

I just put things in a trunk. Do you have a dream car? I like the color black. I would like a black car with black upholstery. Maybe a Nissan thingy? I guess if they come in black. They do. But you haven't even given so much thought as to what kind of car you want to buy other than, I'll ask my brother, but as soon as he says you should get a manual, I'm going to take him to court.

That's about the size of it, yeah. Could I recommend the nissan thingy gt some really nice trim yeah the nissan gym uh the nissan thingy gt el the extended length you get a little extra length so it's a longer wheelbase so it's harder to turn but you get so much more comfort all right i think i've heard that I need to hear in order to make my decision. I'm going to scoot my manual transmission jazzy back into my chambers and make my call. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Gosh, Sonia, how do you feel about your chances in this case?

I feel like the judge was, aside from some aspects of my character, pretty much on my side. That felt pretty good. How about you, Abraham? My sister makes a good point. It sounded like the judge was on her side, but I hope that, like I said, previous case law and the judge's personal biases will shine through in my favor. the judge's personal biases will shine through in my favor. Do you think it would have been a good idea when the judge asked you what kind of cars you drive and race just to lie, like make something up? Something cooler like a Corolla or a Jetta? Can I ask? So I'm clearly not getting these jokes. I take it a lot that the Miata isn't cool.

I mean, if you're a lady in 1993, it's very cool. It's referred to in Europe, Sonia, as the hairdresser special. Abraham, as a man who also drives a small lady sports car, I understand where you're coming from, and I apologize for making fun of you. I am only reaping karma that will be sown upon me. Wait, I'm only sowing karma that will be reaped upon me by a man who's larger than me at a gas station at some point in the future.

Abraham, Sonia, we'll see what the judge has to say. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. First of all, I love the fact, Abe, that you race Mazda, MK, Axe body sprays. That's awesome. I think that's cool. MK Axe body sprays. That's awesome.

I think that's cool. And you know, and I'm glad you do it in a controlled environment where it's perfectly safe. And you know that I absolutely agree with you that from precedent, that it is a good thing to learn how to manually, excuse me, well, I guess I could say to learn how to manually transmit a car. But what I mean to say is to learn how to drive a car with a manual transmission. And the reasons, as I've enumerated before, but you are forcing me to

enumerate again, is that it does increase the number of cars that you can drive, which is helpful both in terms of if you are going to rent a car in Europe or if you are going to buy a car. There are fuel efficiency arguments to be made, but I think that it's clear that basically they're comparable at this point. It is also helpful, as I explained to Cosmo and Jen back in verdict number 52, if there is an emergency

and you need to get your injured infant to the hospital, for example, or an example that might be more appropriate to your lives. Let's say, Sonia, you and your husband deigns to visit Amherst. He deigns to come to the country. And there's a train, you know, that goes from Penn Station to Amherst right there. You can pick him up and show them your country life. And you guys go to a liberal wine and cheese party.

Right. And he doesn't drive. I guess this metaphor is breaking down. I was just trying to get to the liberal wine and cheese party. But let's say you go to a liberal wine and cheese party and a friend of yours can't drive home and your car breaks and you have to drive for someone who's had too much Chardonnay. But guess what? They've only got manual transmission. You're all stuck.

Well, let's face it. Sometimes you have to drive a manual shift car. It's good to know how to drive it. manual shift car, it's good to know how to drive it. And it is fun because it is, as I've said before, one of the rare places that you are actually using technology and you're connecting with the very guts of the technology. You're actually moving a lever that moves a thing that causes the thing to be different. And that is where you so-called feel the road as the stick shift snobs say. What it means is that you are feeling a connection to the machine that you are controlling. And I would dare say it makes you a more conscious

driver and a more conscious driver is always a safer driver. Now I have a manual transmission vehicle in Western Massachusetts that I drive all the time. It is, and it's not buzz marketing. It's just a matter of fact, it is a, a, a Jeep Wrangler, excuse me, a Jeep Wrangler unlimited. Unlimited means that they added a second row of an official second row of seats and extra doors. So it's four doors instead of two doors. I still see some limitations there. It's not like you can have infinite seats, but they call it the unlimited and because, and, and the Jeep Wrangler unlimited, we got it, uh, as a manual transmission because both my wife and I love to drive

manual. And particularly when you're in a Jeep and you're going off road, having control over the, the, the low gear, uh, that you are using to climb over bumps and hills and hillocks and stuff is actually very useful. And the other thing about the Jeep Wrangler Unlimited, which is why I advise it to everyone, even though I get no kickback from Jeep on this, but you can take the doors off and the roof off, and you can take this thing apart. And it feels like you are driving a machine that you have, that you have assembled yourself, even though what you have done is literally disassemble it. And when you are out on the road driving and you hear the road and you feel

the air and you smell what's around you and you are driving manual, uh, suddenly you are not just thrown back in time, but you are also a much more aware driver of what's going on around you. And I would find that I would routinely drive the same road in the Jeep at much more reasonable, slower speeds than I would, uh, in the, uh, the Volkswagen car that were none of the doors come off and it is an automatic.

And I would routinely speed unconsciously because I was encased in this bubble of convenience. And I swear to you that I will sooner have an accident. And I hope that I never will, in an automatic car that is sealed up than a manual car of any kind. So there are those reasons. And it's fun.

That said, I'm going to find in your favor, Sonia. Oh, yes. I'm sorry, but you have just learned to drive. And you are going to be making a drive that is mostly going to be on highways and mostly going to be repetitive and tedious. And then is mostly going to be in stop and go traffic over that damnable bridge over the Connecticut river.

Horrible bridge. And Calvin Coolidge bridge, I believe. Thank you very much. Actually, I couldn't remember. And I appreciate that. You get points for that, but you still don't win the case. that, Abe. You get points for that, but you still don't win the case. And I would say that at this point in your driving life, while you will derive certainly the same pleasure as anyone would from learning how to drive a manual shift car, it's just not convenient for you. I think you should

take the time to become a good driver in an automatic car and to really log some hours on the road so that you understand the rules of the road, you understand how it works to be a driver, you, I hope, do not get into any initial fender benders and learn the hard way how those things happen. And you become a good driver first. And then I do think you should seriously consider learning how to drive a manual before you get over to England again. Because if you're going to do any driving in England, you're going to have to be two things. One, a good driver, because you're going to have to drive on the opposite side of the road and you're going to have to retrain your brain. So you're going to have to be a hyper-aware driver,

which is what you should be learning to be anyway. And two, you're going to have to be a manual transmission driver if you want to drive over there, unless you go to the super deluxe cars, Unless you go to the super deluxe cars, the range rovers in the rental fleets range, which even those are hard to get. I know from personal experience driving over in England, it's hard to find an automatic transmission unless you pay a lot of money. And I think only hedge fund over there would be willing to do that. So my command to you is to, at this point, do not listen to your brother. Buy a car that is comfortable and fuel efficient, that is convenient to you.

I want you to learn to be a really good driver. I want you to learn that accidents happen when you are driving too close to other cars. You want to maintain distance between yourself and other cars at all time, even if you're stop and go on that bridge. The rule of thumb I learned, and it has done me well, is one car length away from the car in front of you for every 10 miles per hour you are driving. Does that make sense to you, Abe? Yes, Your Honor. And especially on the highway, especially as you're driving on 95 North, you want to maybe 1.5, if not double that.

Because what will happen is that people will be tailgating each other because they're monsters. The people who drive from New York to Massachusetts routinely, which is to say Connecticutians, are monstrous drivers on the road. They think they are immortal. They will tailgate you and they will tailgate everybody. And they will weave and bob and weave until one of them has an accident. And then everybody who's tailgating each other comes this close to smashing into each other. So you want to keep-

Why does nobody indicate anymore? Why is there no indicating? Look, not everyone is as smart as you are, Manhattan. Thank you. Keep tons of space between you and the car ahead of you. More than you think you need. Okay? And I also order you that when you're driving, listen to your engine. You may not be

prepared to get in touch with that engine physically now, but the sooner, the more you, but you should learn how to be in touch with it. Listen to it shift, watch the RPM indicator drop down as it shifts, learn what the car computer is doing so that when the time comes for you to learn manual transmission, and it should happen in your future, you will understand more intuitively now than you could then, I should say, than you possibly could now, why it is you are doing the things you are doing when you are learning to drive manually. And here's why you should keep an open mind and you should try. Forget that your younger brother told you to do it because if you listen to your younger brother, you'll never do it.

Listen to me, your judge. Eventually, you are going to want to go on other roads in western Massachusetts besides I-91 and Route 9. And there are beautiful, wonderful, hilly, fantastic, paved, non-off-roads roads that are fun to drive on and more fun to drive on when you have learned manual transmission. manual transmission. Eventually, the fun of driving will not merely be getting to the grocery store and back, but you will learn to enjoy driving. And then you're going to want to up that enjoyment level. And if anything, you should learn to drive manual sooner rather than later to further shame your husband who doesn't know how to drive at all. Shame on him. How old is he? He'll be 35 this winter.

Shame on you, sir. This is a basic skill of adulthood. Just because you grew up in Manhattan doesn't exclude you from this rite of passage. If anything, your further evasion of it brings more shame upon you because you think you're too good for driving, sir. And kudos to you, madam, for knowing that you have to do what has to be done

to join the rest of humanity. To learn to drive, but mostly to learn to drive safely. Using your indicator lights, keeping lots of space ahead of you. And then finally, I have one further order for you before I find in your favor. Get off I-95. What are you, crazy?

Listen, I will say it one more time, and I know this is being recorded for posterity. So listen and listen well. Henry Hudson Parkway, the West Side Highway. Do not bear right onto the Cross Bronx Expressway to I-95 at the George Washington Bridge. Bear left onto the beautiful, smooth continuation of the Henry Hudson Parkway up to the Henry Hudson Bridge. Sail through the now fully easy-passed toll booths on the Henry Hudson Bridge, get onto what then becomes the Sawmill Parkway, take then bear right onto the Cross County Parkway, bear left onto the Hutchinson River Parkway,

which becomes the Merritt Parkway, stop off at one of the many charming gas stations where they're selling sandwiches. Enjoy driving on these beautiful parkways, which are called parkways because they look like parks. That's why they call them parkways. And they don't allow trucks on them. No commercial vehicles. Much more pleasant and easy drive. Eventually connect just before Hartford with I-91.

Stay to the left lane when you approach 84 East because you don't want to get caught up in that line of traffic waiting to head towards Boston. Sail past. Take it slow in Springfield. I-91 in Springfield is terrible. It just weaves back and forth all over the place. There are going to be a lot of accidents there.

Once you're past there, you're home free. Home free. Go to Holyoke. And then before you get to that exit, or actually I think it's the second exit for Route 9, get off at Route 9 and take a right to the new home that you're going to rent or sublet in Hadley or Sutherland, or excuse me, Sunderland or Belchertown or Amherst, any of those wonderful towns, take your car. This is the reason why I can't order you to drive a manual yet because you would never get up there. Take your car up Route 116,

take a right on Mountain Drive and go and drive up to the top of Mount Sugarloaf and park there and look down at the corn maze that has now, until the end of this year, been hoed to look like Salvador Dali. And enjoy your time in Western Massachusetts. Northampton is great. Amherst is great. Learn what all New Yorkers must learn the hard way eventually. There's nothing special about this stupid city.

We're all trapped here by debt. Life is lived better elsewhere. Judge Sean Hodgman rules. This is the sound of a gavel. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Sonia, you've emerged the victor in some ways. How are you feeling right now?

I'm feeling chastised. I mean, I'm happy I had the ruling in my favor, but I think I've just had a stern talking to. Yeah, I think that's true. How do you think your behavior is going to be different in the future? Well, I'm going to bask in my victory, and then I'm going to drive safely. Think maybe about one day learning how to drive manual, maybe. Abraham, how are you feeling? Disappointed that the judge didn't immediately rule in my favor, but satisfied with the ruling.

He was able to impart some knowledge onto my sister that I don't think she would have listened had it come from me, about both vehicles and Western Massachusetts. True. Abe, I drive an Audi TT, so. Oh, that is it. That's a faster girl's car, but still has the reputation. Yeah, there you go. Abraham, Sonia, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. My pleasure.

My pleasure. Safe driving. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel.

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If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-H. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go,

try S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D Ah, it'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself.

A podcast from MaximumFun.org If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Jesse, why can't I transform into a car? I'm animatronic. I think you're just not making the right noises. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Vroom, vroom, vroom.

How could that be wrong? Vroom, vroom, vroom. Judge Hodgman, I don't have time for this. Can we clear the docket? Yes. Here's something from Nilly. I recently bought a house and turned the front of the property into a small medical clinic. Maybe it's very old-fashioned to be a solo family doctor working from home, but my patients and my family love it.

The neighbors seemed friendly the first few weeks. Then several residents turned on us and phoned the city to try and shut down my practice. They are claiming it created a nuisance for them. One asserted she needs parking on the street for her five cars. Another neighbor yelled at my husband that she would sue us, though she'd be hard-pressed to say why. These same people smile and compliment me on my garden. I want to tell them to stuff it, but I have a feeling that I must take the high road and smile back as though nothing happened. What reaction to them would be

reasonable and not too immature? I certainly appreciate the fact that your neighbors are two-faced phonies, and it is perfectly reasonable for you to cry hypocrisia as they treat you nicely on the one hand and call the authorities on you on the other. other. But you have to be sensitive to the fact that you have transformed your private home into a business. Now, it is an admirable business. I'm sure you're doing great work for the people of the community. But when people bought homes in that area, they did not necessarily expect you to open a clinic. And I would be careful. I would be respectful of people's concerns, even with regard to something as simple as parking, because you may be violating the spirit of the zoning law. And I don't know if you're violating the letter of the zoning law. And if I were you, I would check into that very carefully and make sure that it is legal for you to be doing what you are doing. Even if it is legal.

And I hope that it is because it seems like a noble thing to do. And I hope that it is because it seems like a noble thing to do. I would encourage you to be friendly to your neighbors, even when they are unfriendly to you, to not escalate, to ask for their patience, to appreciate their concerns, even if they seem meaningless to you. And trust and hope that in time you will display to them through your behavior and those of your patients that they have nothing to be concerned about. But, you know, you're operating a business out of your home, and it's a public business. That's a choice that you've made. Next question. Torin writes, I've lived with my common-law spouse for five years.

Deanna came into our relationship with a dog named Lunch, and I with a cat named Kodos. Not as good as lunch. for a trial run. I enjoyed having lunch around, but I ended up taking care of her more often than I wanted, rearranging my schedule to let her out to do her business. Deanna likes to travel. I'm worried that if she gets another dog, it will become my responsibility, and also that she'll get a ridiculous small dog with stunted legs instead of a sensible one that could frighten intruders and in-laws. I seek an order that if she gets a dog,

it will be a proper dog, and that I won't have to rearrange my schedule for it. Well, that order is impossible to give because even if I order her to get a proper dog, that is to say a dog of your approving, you will still have to rearrange your schedule around it because it is a dog. And as you know from this podcast, a dog is like inviting a perpetual infant into your house. And it's wonderful if you are able and willing to give it the time that it requires. I would gather from your experience, Jesse, an incredibly fulfilling experience, right? Oh, absolutely so, yeah. Right.

But I would say that if it seems likely that you are going to be the person who's taking the greatest care of the dog, that indeed you should have some say as to what kind of dog it is and whether or not there is a dog. And I would also encourage you to look around in your area if there's a possibility of fostering dogs that need homes or are waiting for homes, so that indeed a true trial run can be given. waiting for homes so that indeed a true trial run can be given. You are, Deanna gets a chance to take care of a dog and you guys get to know what it's like to adopt a dog together for a period of time and see how the business of owning a dog breaks down. And if it goes well, then of course your hearts will be broken when you give this dog back

to the organization that has asked you to foster it so that it can go to a permanent home but you will know exactly what you're getting into. Sounds great to me. Yes it is great. Now you know I've been talking to you about johnhodgman.com slash tour which is of course where all of my future appearances are listed at all times and being constantly updated by internet robots. But I'd like to mention a couple of dates that are coming up and are special to me. I will be traveling to some of my favorite places in the world in the American Midwest. On Thursday, October 3rd, I will be at the Cedar Cultural Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota. On Saturday, October 5th, I'll be returning to Madison, Wisconsin,

another favorite place of mine, at the Barrymore Theater, which is a new theater for me, and I can't wait to play it. And between those two dates, a place that I've never been and always wanted to go, Iowa City, Iowa,

home of the actual Hawkeyes. I made a mistake calling another part of Iowa Hawkeye territory, and I paid for it dearly. This is Hawkeyes. I made a mistake calling another part of Iowa Hawkeye territory and I paid for it dearly. This is Hawkeye territory at the Englert Theater on October 4th. I had to reschedule these dates because it's some personal stuff in my life. I'm really looking forward to coming to see you and I'm pleased to announce right now for the very first time I'll be joined by the great Bill Corbett of Riff Trax he is great

one of the funniest people in the world you know him from Riff Trax currently and Mystery Science Theater 3000 in the not too distant past and he is such if you've been to my shows in Minneapolis and Madison before

you and certainly if you live in Minneapolis you know from Bill Corbett so I hope you will come out and see both Bill Corbett and me. All the details and ticket links, of course, are on jaja, jaja, jaja, jaja, jaja.biz, or if it's easier for you, johnhodgman.com slash tour. Doesn't get any better than Mr. Bill Corbett. I'll tell you that. It's one of the nicest, funniest guys in America. Nicest and funniest, that's what we're after. It's the nicest and funniest tour. Hey, if you don't live in any of those places, why

don't you follow us on Twitter? I'm at Jesse Thorne. I'm at Hodgman. And you can like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook for your chance to name a future Judge John Hodgman case. This week's case, by the way, named by Paul Rue.

Ruh? Thanks, Paul. Rue? Thanks, Rue. That is his second win, which is a pretty impressive thing, given how many entrants we get every week. That's amazing. I'm gobsmacked.

I'm smack gobbed. Well, oh, that's good. Then we match. As always. Well, look, we'll see you on the Internet and next week on Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne,

and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfun.org and our Facebook group at facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

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