Judge John Hodgman - It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Chambers

Episode Date: December 17, 2014

We address winter holiday disputes in this all-docket episode (with a special surprise appearance from a past guest).

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, we're clearing the docket of some holiday themed issues. Hello, Judge Hodgman. Happy generic holiday to you, Jesse Thorne. And to you, sir, and all the best of luck in your continuing war on Christmas. Do you know what holiday it is, actually? What holiday is it, actually? It's Judge John Hodgman's Miss. Oh, really? You have your own Miss?

Well, we do. You and I, together, have our own Miss, Jesse, because we just celebrated our fourth anniversary of dispensing fake Internet justice across the non-airwaves. And, well, more recently, the airwaves on a special episode of NPR's Bullseye with Jesse Thorne. Oh, yeah, we finally broke the air. We finally broke air. Oh, man, it's just like a nice way of saying fart. Oh, man, it's just like a nice way of saying fart. And just within several hours of this recording, our friend Jason Sims in Huntsville, Alabama, revealed his fifth annual sadness tree, which he, of course, puts up in a shed to contemplate dourly each day before Christmas starting December 1st. And let's be clear.

You said to contemplate dourly, meaning in a dour manner, not hourly, meaning every hour. Maybe both. Maybe he's dourly hourly. In fact, that might be the name of the Sadvent elf in the Rankin-Bass animated Sadvent special that has never aired, but is being conjured currently within the brain pan of Jason Sims as he sits in a cold shack staring at his

stick of wood and thinking about this esoteric brand of Catholicism that forces him to not enjoy Christmas before Christmas itself. forces him to not enjoy Christmas before Christmas itself. I recently watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Sure. In the Rankin-Bass edition. Because my son had declared that he wanted to watch a Rudolph show. Sure.

And that was the best one I could come up with. That's the one to watch, in my experience. I don't think I had seen it. I mean, I definitely have seen bits and pieces of it. And I may have seen it in childhood, but I don't know. It was, I didn't remember it being so weird and boring. You're saying it's time for a reboot? I really, well, I mean, the aesthetics of it, I find very charming.

Honestly, like, I don't think that they're, I don't even, not even in a hokey, kitschy way. I thought it looked really cool. But yeah, it is weird and boring. And there's this part where Santa Claus goes, oh no,

you won't join in any reindeer games. And like, that's the best they could do was just to say that. That's all they had to do. Reference the song. Reference the song, get in and get out. And yet they didn't. Even though all they had to do was reference that song, get in and get out. They did come up with that Island of Misfit Toys, which I do not like.

Well, my son got terrified by the Abominable Snowman. Sure. He was watching in the, I guess you call it the den. Sure. And he ran over to my office where I was sitting working and he said, Dad, I don't like this show. It has a big monster. Yeah, it's an abomination.

Yeah, it is. But I'm not misremembering, right? That's Island of Misfit Toys, right? I think that the Island of Misfit Toys features it. I watched about 50, I was going to watch the whole thing with him but I got so bored that I had to leave. Like, you're supposed to watch

things with your children so their brains don't rot, so you can converse with them and stuff. But I decided to go the bad parent route and just go ahead and let the television parent him until apparently it showed him a monster that terrified him. Everything was boring then. Everything was boring until the advent, well, maybe of cable television.

Once television started having some competition, it was not afraid to be boring. You look at an episode of Charlie's Angels, the most transgressive TV show I could have thought of when I was nine years old, and it's just like long, long static shots of that phone. like long, long static shots of that phone. You go back and you watch a love boat. Oh my God. They got an A-plot, a B-plot, a C-plot, a D-plot, an E-plot.

And then just, you know, shots of Puerto Vallarta. It's dull. They didn't have TiVo. They didn't have anything. I didn't mean to name check a brand there. I apologize, everyone. They didn't have TiVo. They didn't have anything. I didn't mean to name check a brand there. I apologize, everyone. They were not competing for eyeballs. It was like, yeah, we've got to fill up this time.

Let's put in a song about an elf who wants to be a dentist. That was the best part of that one. I know that you want to move on, but I have to say this. I recently was reminded of Frosty the Snowman, that cartoon, which is also about seven minutes long, but manages to be boring. It's just sing the song. Sing the song.

That's all we want is the song. No one had invented a music video yet. They still had to do a plot. And then the other thing is they did a Frosty Returns many years later, featuring as the lead character, a young girl voiced by a young Elizabeth Moss from Mad Men. These are the things you learn when you buy DVDs for 50 cents at the grocery store.

You get Frosty and Frosty Returns and one DVD for 50 cents or whatever, and you put it on and your son loves it forever. But I'll tell you this much. Yeah. If you buy one of those 50 cent DVDs from the drugstore. Yeah. And it's those cartoons from like the 30s. You know, like a theatrical, like a before the movie ran cartoon from the 30s.

You mean like the Sunshine Makers? Right. Walgreen's Best Racist Cartoons Collection. Yeah. But like those are actually pretty cool. Except for the racist ones. Except for the racism. Right.

There's like a lot of there's a lot of cool stuff going on in those. I think that just sort of over the course of the following 40 years, that drained down to zero before it started being rebuilt in like, I don't know when. Yeah. Like maybe the 90s. Yeah. I guess like maybe like, you know, probably Ren and Stimpy is pretty good. Probably still. He's pretty good, probably still. If you really want to terrify your son,

allow him to watch a cartoon, an early Fleischer Brothers cartoon, back when Bimbo was the big character, Bimbo the dog, called Bimbo's Initiation. That's the one where he gets forcibly inducted into a weird secret society. Look into it. Oh, and speaking of secret societies, everyone, bit.ly slash not a cult.

I won't say no more. Let's move on. Here is our first question. It's from Brian. This case I submit to the court is one of a seasonal creep. Is eggnog a Christmas beverage or a beverage taken over by the holiday? I'm so disappointed. I thought this was about literally a seasonal creep.

Someone who comes around between. Like some fat old guy that sneaks into your house via the chimney and eats all your cookies. Keeps a list of all your children. I see the connection that you're making, and I appreciate it. At my insistence, my partner Tara and I agreed to keep our home Christmas decoration and music free until after Thanksgiving. to keep our home Christmas decoration and music free until after Thanksgiving. Last week, that is the week before Thanksgiving, I bought some non-alcoholic eggnog. Tara claims this is in clear violation of our agreement, as eggnog is exclusively a Christmas drink.

She says my drinking eggnog creates a double standard. I get to enjoy something from Christmas, and she doesn't. I argue that the history of eggnog shows that it was not created for Christmas and can only be associated with the holiday. Moreover, consuming a beverage that is a discrete behavior, whereas displaying decorations is not. We seek your judgment on the following questions. One, is eggnog exclusively for Christmas? Two, does spiking eggnog with homemade pumpkin spice vodka instead of the traditional rum or bourbon take it out of Christmas beverage status?

Tara thinks that if I bring home eggnog prior to Thanksgiving, she's entitled to put one Christmas decoration up per container of eggnog purchased. Please help us resolve this dispute. up per container of eggnog purchased. Please help us resolve this dispute. Well, Brian is correct in that eggnog is a very old traditional egg milk alcohol punch or flip. It certainly does not predate Christmas, but was not designed specifically for Christmas. It was spiked with brandy in the old world and rum or bourbon in the new. And you would drink it of a morning because it was a morning time drink, as were most spirit drinks at that time. You'd drink them of the morning as a cocktail to revive you from whatever straight spirit drinking you had been doing the night before. Maybe that's why it became associated with Christmas, because you would drink it in the morning.

Out in Brown, one time or double time, a guest witness on this podcast has speculated that it was America's and indeed Western world's first health tonic, and that it's full of vitamins and minerals and yolks. And I guess you drink it to feel better. Or if you're not producing enough disgusting phlegm, you would drink some eggnog. But Brian is wrong in suggesting that merely because something was not designed for Christmas,

its association is not so powerful that it is meaningless. In other words, a Christmas tree was not designed for Christmas. It was an ancient Germanic pagan ritual to cut down a tree and, I don't know, feed it with some baby's blood and wait until, I don't know, feed it with some baby's blood and wait until, I don't know, Krampus came. I don't know all the traditions. Christmas itself was not a Christmas ritual. I mean, it has nothing to do with Christ.

And specifically, it is an amalgamation of winter solstice traditions that became associated with the birth of Christ in order to bring pagans into the church. But, you know, in many Christian traditions, it's still not celebrated. And for many, many years, to celebrate Christmas in New England, for example, was considered to be blasphemous. New England, for example, was considered to be blasphemous. So don't make the error, Brian, of thinking that just because something wasn't created for Christmas, its association is not strong. I think the association of eggnog with Christmas at this point in American culture is pretty darn strong.

But I think that association is primarily between Christmas and disgusting eggnog that you get from a carton full of xanthan gum at the grocery store. If you want to rescue eggnog from its most disgusting iteration, which is that thick gloop that you get from the carton at the grocery store around Christmas time that you drink on Christmas morning or lots of times the night before. But why would you? Gross. Drinking milky punch all night long. Gross. But if you want to rescue it from that, I think rather lamentable and definitely Christmy tradition, you are welcome to do so. Do not do it by adding pumpkin spice vodka to your store-bought junk, because that's gross. It's even grosser. That makes it even worse. Here's what you can do. You can go back to a

very early eggnog recipe. This is from the novel Cold Comfort Farm, which was a morning drink that you could drink in the morning. And you would get milk and eggs and mix it with brandy, Madeira, or sherry. Two ounces of brandy, a teaspoonful of cream, an egg, and some chips of ice.

And that is called a Hell's Angel. Learned that from Wikipedia today. Or you can go to any one of Alton Brown's really fine homemade eggnog recipes that are printed in his books or online. I found one today on the Mental Floss website, which is a brand I heartily endorse and buzz market, and make some good eggnog that you can enjoy anytime the winter sets in. some good eggnog that you can enjoy any time the winter sets in. And out of kindness,

because it is the holiday, after all, it is the season to not be a pedantic jerk, you can let Tara put up one Christmas decoration. Maybe in the spirit of ancient Druidic, Germanic ritual, it could be some mistletoe.

And then you could drink a little nog and have a little sacrifice and and and get cool with the druids such as my ruling move on i love eggnog you like it if if it's really good it's really good but you know the stuff i'm talking about the stuff that looks like that that melted brigham's ice cream yeah well i mean it's the same it's the same deal as uh you know a milkshake from a fast food restaurant rather than have it be thick with expensive fats and cooking processes they just put in a bunch of stabilizers. Stabilizers. And so that's why you can – like sometimes you'll get a milkshake from the fast food restaurant and you drink like half of it and then you can't drink anymore because it's too gross.

And then like an hour later, it's in your car. You're like, well, I'll just give it a taste. And it's exactly the same but warm right it is it has not changed at all alton brown says and i have no reason to distrust him because he's never steered me wrong except that time he got me drunk at william faulkner's graveside in oxford mississippi and then made me drive him to a barbecue place out of town that was probably ill-advised but most of the time he's right and uh and he says you can age eggnog you can get you're gonna make your eggnog out of fresh ingredients and put

it in the fridge in a jar and it'll keep for weeks or months and just get better you would refrigerate it obviously um and do not be concerned about the raw eggs in there because according to him the alcohol will kill it all off. But if you're real concerned, he says you can get pasteurized shelled eggs in the, in the, in the grocery store and use those instead. But yeah,

I think there's lots of things you can do to make this thing taste good and not taste bad. I commend you by the way, Jesse, for saying the fast food store. What did you say? The fast food store, the fast food restaurant. I believe I said Jesse, for saying the fast food store. What did you say? The fast food store or the fast food restaurant? I believe I said fast food restaurant.

The fast food. Yeah. The fast food restaurant, which I think many listeners would take as your desire not to buzz market a particular chain on this podcast. But I just think that you say it naturally. The fast food restaurant. Shall we go to the fast food restaurant? I mean, I just just love milkshakes. I think milkshakes are just the best.

And I wish that even, and if you'll permit me a moment of buzz marketing, even at In-N-Out Burger, which is a fast food restaurant in its purest form, you know, they make the stuff out of the stuff they claim to make it from, and they do a great job. Yes, I agree. Happy to buzz market them. Even their milkshakes are a little bit gross because they're that same kind of weird thing

that comes out of some kind of weird powder. Xan, Than, Gum. Yeah. Shout out to Eggnog from Mitchell's Ice Cream in San Francisco around the corner from my house where I grew up. You ever have an egg cream? It's not a milkshake obviously. Oh, egg creams are really good too. I can't eat

egg creams anymore because of my because I can't eat chocolate. That Fox's You Bet syrup is a problem for me. So vanilla only, right? Yeah. You ever have a frap? No, I don't understand what a frap is exactly. It's a New England sort of slightly thicker version of a milkshake.

And an even thicker, thicker version would be a concrete, which has sort of the texture of wet concrete. Which has sort of the texture of wet concrete. I got – we get a lot of books here at the office because I host a public radio program. And public radio is the only media venue in the entire world that cares about books. Even more than books care about books. That's true. Usually we get things that are just completely inappropriate for our show, and usually those things are not of interest. by Adam Reid, who listeners may know as the kind of genial bear guy from America's Test Kitchen. Right. And it is just a book of milkshake recipes.

You know, just a little book, you know, 40 or 50 milkshake recipes. And they are delightful. I highly recommend trying a milkshake made with black tea. I highly recommend trying a milkshake made with black tea. Just brew super strong black tea and put it in in place of some of the milk in a vanilla milkshake. It is wonderful. Oh, I think that sounds fantastic. And may I suggest something else?

Sure. Have you ever had a cabinet? What's a cabinet? It's just another name for a milkshake in Rhode Island. Cabinet. Okayinett. Okay, good. I'd love to have one of those. And you can add alcohol to all of them.

Yeah, have fun. All right. Have fun. If you're over 21 and you're not driving anywhere. Here's something, and you're not with Alton Brown. And you're not. Yeah, don't drink. Just take it from experience. Yeah, don't drink. Just take it. Take it from experience. Don't drink a whole mess of rum spiked coffee cabinets on the on the grave of William Faulkner and then drive motorcycles to the barbecue place.

Here's something from Aaron. I seek an injunction against my mother-in-law from what we call water chucking. Cannot wait. Cannot wait to hear what this is. Instead of letting water drain down her kitchen sink, she insists on keeping a plastic tub in the sink to catch the water, which she then chucks out her front door, even in the dead of winter, creating hazardous walkway conditions.

Boy, this is the most disappointing definition of an unheard of term since seasonal creep. Initially, she said it was to protect her new black porcelain sink from hot water and scratches. However, after I was splashed with dirty sink water as she rushed past with her overflowing bucket, I questioned her further. She then said she used the water to feed the oak tree in her front yard. When my wife pointed out that the house was filled with guests there for Christmas and the oak tree seemed to be doing just fine, her mom's new excuse was that she didn't want to fill up the septic tank.

I believe that she is addicted to this behavior and seek an injunction against it at least during family holidays. Look, I cannot imagine. I feel you, Aaron. I cannot imagine why your mother-in-law does this. It seems to have no purpose whatsoever. And the shifting of the explanation, you know, suggests that there is no logic to it whatsoever. This kind of behavior reminds me of how our cats,

before they died, for years, would just love to lick masking tape. I don't know what they got out of it. Masking tape and packing bubbles. There are all kinds of theories that we could find, Masking tape and packing bubbles. There are all kinds of theories we could find. But as to like they're replacing some weird vitamin or mineral that's leaving their bodies as they age. I don't know what it was, but ultimately no one could really explain why these cats are licking tape and plastic shipping bubbles.

Because cats, like parents, are just weird sometimes. They just get weird. It feeds some urge in them. And it feeds some urge in her to throw this water out her front door rather than let it go down the sink. And maybe she's helping that oak tree. Or maybe she's not filling the septic tank. Or maybe nothing's going on other than she feels better about it. Maybe she's throwing water on a ghost that only she can see.

But it's her house. So you can't stop her from simply annoying you with her illogic. Otherwise, we would all bring suit against our parents and parents-in-law. We would never go over to their houses. That said, if she is doing this during the cold months and she is literally pouring out water that then freezes on the walkway, causing a legit danger to you, her daughter, and various other offspring, then you might have a point and you might be able to say, please don't chuck the water onto the walkway, but put it in a, put it in a freezing tub all its own, or bring it right over to that Oak tree and feed that Oak tree and talk to that Oak tree.

Cause you obviously have some connection with it, but otherwise shut up, dummy. Happy holidays. Can I tell you, I just had, uh, uh, the holidays with my mother visiting our house. And I just felt so much for my wife because my wife's mother, and in fact, both of my wife's parents, just couldn't be easier. Right. And my mother is absolutely wonderful mother, and I love her very much. Of course. But she has a very distinctive manner of being, let's say.

Okay. That presents tremendous family challenges from time to time. I understand. And I felt so guilty for being the one that was introducing pure mother-in-law-y-ness to my household. Right. I mean, the thing is that as people age, they get weird. And there are reasons for it. And I say this with great affection and love for our elders.

Because what's happening is they are often living in increasingly isolated cultural terrain. And their children leave them. And they are living by themselves with their spouses or on their own, and they don't understand the music, and they don't understand the way you click the thing to make the thing go in the same way that they used to, and they make up their own ways of being in the world, And they make up their own ways of being in the world, which diverge exponentially from the way we all are in the world.

Which isn't to say that we're right and they're wrong. It's just you create different patterns of life in a house where you are by yourself most of the time. And throwing the water out the door is part of that for this mother-in-law. And I do not say this in order to complain. I only say I cannot wait for it to be me. I cannot wait until every one of my weird eccentricities becomes written in stone and no one can question me on it. That is the benefit of age. Sorry, I called you a dummy, Aaron, but you need to, this is what you need to understand. Go easy. dummy Aaron, but you need to, this is what you need to understand. Go easy. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course,

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It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Here's something from Lauren. Should our family be allowed to hold a second Christmas

the day after Christmas where we purposefully exclude my brother? Now, there is no way this is not going to be exciting. This sounds terrible, but check out the background. After Christmas last year, my brother and his wife requested to receive fewer gifts for next Christmas. They said they had too much stuff already. My mother lives for Christmas and was very disappointed. She wants everyone to receive an equal number of gifts, so this meant she'd have to scale down her gift giving for everyone. My mom likes to buy us surprises and

weird things. It makes her much happier for her than just ordering items for us off of a list. After seeing her distress, I proposed we have a second Christmas on December 26th. The second Christmas would include me, my parents, and my sister and her family, and we could exchange trinkets and weird surprises, the kind of junk my brother's family wants no part in.

I suggested we not mention this to them at all, since it would sound nastier than it is. I say this idea is a win-win. My mother gets to give her surprise gifts. My brother doesn't get any junk and doesn't have to sit and watch us open hours while he gets nothing. My dad thinks this is a terrible idea. He thinks it will create unneeded resentment and alienation and thinks my

mom should cut back on the gift giving as requested. Not good, but. So this is one of those times where I kind of wish we actually had Lauren on the line to clarify, because I would like to know, when he talks about a proposed second Christmas where he and his parents and sister and family could exchange trinkets and weird surprises,

what are the surprises they're trading? Like, what are their Christmas pranks, exactly? Are we talking about lumps of coal type stuff or are they like leaping out at each other from behind tinsel or whatever? I think I can relate to this a little bit because my mom is an antiques dealer. Sure. dealer. And so she spends much of her time at estate sales and flea markets and the like. And so she tends to be a very generous gift giver who gives a lot of kind of odd, unusual, and distinctive gifts relative to the, say my wife's parents are more likely to say,

oh, we got you a stand mixer. Right. Which is also a very thoughtful gift. It is. Of a very different sort. And I think my mom – I've discussed this issue with my mom before and it's very – she gets a lot of enjoyment out of it. Right. So I can see where this mom is coming from uh yeah i mean you're absolutely right people who are good at giving gifts love giving gifts people who are terrible at giving gifts hate giving and receiving

gifts well i guess there are some monsters who are terrible at giving gifts, but love getting PlayStations. But I'm talking about children right now. There are also people who truly make the holiday their hobby. And these may be parents that Lauren's brother should be sensitive to. The holidays are one of the ways that parents maintain a connection with the children that they raised and have now abandoned them to their weird hobbies and habits and addictions. So this is a point of real connection between moms and dads and their kids that they try to keep hold of anxiously because they feel every other connection fraying away, right? So don't be a jerk. Your mom really loves the holiday. You don't want to step in and say, oh, there are too many decorations in your house. I hate that elf on a shelf. This is below me, you know? That said, there is also a ton, I don't know what quality of gifts this mom is giving. And if the brother wants to disassociate himself to some degree from the consumerism of Christmas,

that's also a personal choice that I can respect. And here's the thing. Lauren thinks that if they have their regular Christmas, that the brother's going to feel left out and sad. But he doesn't understand. His brother's going to be opening his own present, present of his own devising that he has wrapped for himself. And that is the gift that you can only give to yourself,

of sanctimony, of feeling better than everyone else in the room. If you hold a second Christmas, first of all, you'll be lying. And let's face it, there's enough lying at Christmas already, starting with Santa Claus and moving on to how much you care about everyone else. Don't need to add another lie to Christmas. But first of all, let your brother enjoy the holiday his way by not getting anything and feeling better than you. I don't think that mom should cut back on giving presents to anyone else. And if the brother is asking her to do that, then that's none of his business. But if he's saying, I only want one present, or I want no presents, or I'd like you to give me, you know, to make a donation to Doctors Without Borders or whatever in my name, that is his business and is fine. Don't have a fake, don't have a fakesmith to fake out your brother and then all get together and have a good time without him.

That's weird and gross. Here's something from Tim. My name is Tim, and I have a dispute with my girlfriend, Johanna. I think that we should have photos taken for Christmas cards. Johanna is opposed. She says they're corny and that unmarried couples don't send out cards. She said that she would consider going through with this if we make a funny card of us with

our dogs. I think including the dogs is a cheesy move and would rather it be the two of us looking nice. Really, Tim? You think that's when it gets cheesy? All right. Go on. We just moved in together and I want to share with our families our happiness and wish them

the same. Judge Hodgman, will you order Johanna to take a serious photo with me to send out as a card this year? Uh, no. I will order you to not send out a picture of you and Johanna. First of all, you forcing your girlfriend to dress up nice for a professional portrait that she wants no part of so that you can send out a Pnee-Wawnee married couple Christmas card

is weird and gross. I'm just laying on the line there, Tim, because I presume you're relatively young and you haven't figured this out yet. Your living together is not being married. Unless you are having all the fun of marriage, such as sharing a bank account and bills and debt. You're living together is living together. Have fun with it.

But pretending to be married, you don't need to rush into the thing that only weird older couples do. I used to send out Christmas cards that would have a big picture of then my girlfriend, now my wife, and our friends. And it was fun. It was funny because it was a weird thing. You bring your dogs into it, then it's a fun joke that you're sharing with friends of your own age. You guys get dressed up, and particularly you force her to get dressed up. particularly you force her to get dressed up. Look, I'm not going to stop you guys from both getting dressed up and sending out a real serious Christmas card

with the two of you sitting on a stone wall wearing white turtlenecks together or whatever. If that's the way you both feel, go for it. But if she says no, you can't. I can't order her to do it. And I encourage you to not think about that until you're 40 years old or older. If you are 40 years old or older, I don't know what to say,

but you know what I'm saying. Get married. Stop caring about how you know what I'm saying. Get married. Stop caring about how you look to the outside world. Then you can wear your weird sweater or your white turtleneck and take a fancy photo in front of a roaring fire or whatever. But until then, go meta or go home as far as the Christmas cards are concerned. Get those dogs in there. That'd be great. Find somewhere that has a laser background.

Yeah, that's true. Because of that kid with that hat, who wanted his senior picture to be him holding his cat with a laser background. I feel like you need to work a little harder than laser background now. Oh, I didn't even know about that kid. Oh, yeah. Look him up. I always skip it. I didn't even know about that kid. Oh, yeah. Look him up. If you and Johanna wanted to each hold a dog up in your arms

and stand next to each other with a laser background, an imitation of that kid who wanted that to be his senior portrait of him holding his cat with a laser background, I would say do it, but I mean, don't do it because now that's already, that's too, that's too attack.

Can I suggest an alternative? Yeah. What if the two of them just went to, uh, you know, uh, the Sears portrait studio or what have you, uh,

sorry to use brand specific terms, but I think it conveys my meaning best. I think so too. And, uh, then they just took either a photograph in one of their children's sets, like sitting on tiny fire trucks. Uh-huh. Or in a seasonal set that's not appropriate for the holiday season, like a 4th of July set. If they and their dogs do a 4th of July Christmas photo and send it in, we'll post it.

If they do anything else, God bless you, merry gentlemen. Thanks. Jolly old King Wenceslas. What does jolly old King Wenceslas do? Good King Wenceslas once looked down upon the feast of Stephen. Saw some things he did not like, decided to get even. I think this is an interpretive version here's a letter took his crossbow from the wall started shooting children no no now it's gotten

grotesque at first at first it was a classic with a twist but now it's a dyspeptic nightmare but they all were wearing armor so they gathered winter fuel and burned the king and freed the land from his tyranny and that's the story of Christmas. Here's something from Carrie. I'm American. My husband, Tibby, is from Transylvania. Oh, yes. Good so far.

We both celebrate Christmas. I almost feel we should stop. Okay, go on. We both celebrate Christmas, but we have had some trouble integrating our traditions in our married life. All right. My husband only celebrates Christmas from dawn till dusk. Well, I prefer... No, that's not what it says.

Just a little classic Transylvania humor. Okay. I bet Transylvania. Okay. I bet Transylvania is really cool. I bet Transylvania is really cool and really beautiful. I bet they are tired of those jokes. I bet they have some really lousy vampire-themed tourist attractions.

I think that they were trying to build a Dracula land. I remember that from the 90s. But I don't think it came to fruition. And you know, if there's anything better than a Dracula land, I remember that from the 90s, but I don't think it came to fruition. And you know, if there's anything better than a Dracula land in Transylvania, from my point of view, it's an abandoned Dracula land in Pennsylvania, or in Pennsylvania, anyvania, anyvania, anyvania. In Transylvania, on the evening of December 5th, people celebrate St. Nicholas Eve. Children leave their shoes on the windowsill, and sometime that evening, they're visited by St. Nicholas, who's accompanied by a devil named Krampus.

If the kids have been good, they get candy and fruit in their shoes. If they've been bad, then Krampus leaves a nicely decorated stick with which the parents are supposed to beat the children. Hooray! Obviously, this is an interesting holiday, and seeing as there aren't a lot of Transylvanian holidays or traditions celebrated in New York, we've held a party on St. Nicholas Eve for the last several years. We'll have people over to celebrate and drink the traditional Christmas rum punch. The guests leave their shoes in the window, and everyone gets a visit from St. Nick

and Krampus. Most people receive both candy and a stick, as Tibby did growing up. Yeah, because no one's purely good or purely evil. Yeah, that is mythology. That is not humanity. And all great holidays have at least a certain element of corporal punishment. Here's the conflict. I like to have a Christmas tree up for the party because it makes it more festive, and it's also the only time when most people will come over to our apartment during the holiday season and get to see the tree. Tibby, however, feels that the tree is inappropriate because we're celebrating a Transylvanian holiday, and in Transylvania, people don't put up their trees until Christmas Eve.

Oh my god, it's sadness tree all over again. Go on. I argue that we're creating a new holiday tradition that combines both of our backgrounds. So, both St. Nicholas and a tree can exist at once. I'm petitioning the judge to order that a Christmas tree be allowed at our annual St. Nicholas Eve party. First of all, addendum to the previous case. You may do 4th of July as astronauts, Tim and Johanna,

but you will get extra credit and Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage t-shirts if one of you dresses, well, if you specifically, Tim, dress up like Santa Claus or Saint Nicholas, and Johanna, you wear a Krampus mask, and send that out to your families, I'm going to give you t-shirts, and I'll give you each $50 of my own money.

That's a valid contract. Prove that you've sent it to your family, and I'll give you each $50. Good king, whence less to you, Johanna and Tim. Now, Carrie and Tibby. Carrie, just first of all, I love that you are celebrating Christmas with some Krampus. I call them Krampus. Love that Krampus been making a big resurgence in American culture. A lot of people, it's a traditionally, you know, Central European, maybe Germanic, Northern European thing. I got a lot of that wrong, but that's my understanding. I first became aware of it through the great television program

Venture Brothers, where Jackson Public and Doc Hammer did their first Venture Brothers holiday special with a Krampus visiting. And it was so much fun. Krampus, if you don't know, I'm going to call him Krampus because I'm an American. I'm not from Transylvania. Krampus looks like a big old traditional satanic devil. It's just a horned weird creature with goat legs and a gross long forked tongue. And it comes around with a sack. And in some traditions, I think it takes the children away if they've been bad. In some traditions, I think it takes the children away if they've been bad. And he and St. Nick go around together on, I guess, St. Nicholas' Eve and do their thing. And this is celebrated in many old European holiday cards. One of my favorites is one, I guess, probably from the 30s or so, where St. Nick is driving a motorcycle and Krampus is in a sidecar.

I love it. Love Krampus. And I think it's great that you're livening up your Krampus Noct together with some good old Transylvanian fun. However, Carrie, just because your husband, Tibby, is from Transylvania, don't let him creep you out and bully you. You're absolutely right. Like Christmas itself, your observation is syncretic. It is a combination of traditions. There is no one way to do it, because if there were, we would be doing something very different. We would be observing, I guess, the birth of Christ, a probably historical true figure whose birthday no one knows exactly when it was.

Right? And we would probably be, I don't know, having some hummus. I don't know. But all this stuff is being borrowed from many, many different traditions, and you are creating new traditions in your own house. traditions, and you are creating new traditions in your own house. And just as I would not allow Jason Sims to force his observance of Christmas onto his wife Brandy and his sons, and therefore had to go out into a shed to observe Sadmas himself, so it is that I will not allow Tibby to prevent you from having a Christmas tree. But here's what I would say. If you really want to honor the Transylvanian tradition,

this is happening on December 6th, you should put out the Christmas tree the day after Krampusnacht. Right? Now you both win. Because you're getting your Christmas tree when you want it, and he's getting a blessedly tree-free Krampus knocked to himself on December 6th. And everybody wins. So, Judge Hodgman, one last thing before we go. Wouldn't be the holidays without a call to our friend Jason Sims. Of course, Jason was first

on the show four years ago, December 2010, in the episode To Tree or Not to Tree, this is his fifth sadvent and fifth sadness tree, as required by your decision. We're about halfway through sadvent. Jason, you there? I am calling him with my mental mind powers. Jason. I've been summoned. I've been summoned. my mental mind powers. Jason. I've been summoned. Hello, your honor. Hello, Judge.

I love Jason. Oh, Jason, you have you. I have I have now have a holographic image of you in front of me in my bed chamber. And you are you are draped with chains. Yes. These are the deeds that I've committed. And and you're holding a sad tree. Describe this year's, first of all, unhappy, sad event to you, sir.

To you as well. How has your year been? All right. We saw each other in Birmingham, Alabama at the Bottle Tree Cafe, where you did a fantastic stand-up comedy set, and we sang a song together. We did, and I enjoyed that a lot. Almost so much that I was barely able to have a stand-up this year. You were still feeling happy, and I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry you were still feeling happy.

Would you mind telling very quickly my favorite George R.R. Martin joke that you told in your stand-up? Oh, boy, yeah. R.R. Martin joke that you told. Yeah. Okay. Okay. The R's in George R.R. Martin, they each stand for R.R. Martin. And this is endlessly recursive, making it impossible to ritually bind him. Yeah, that's the one. I love the idea of trying to ritually bind George R.R. Martin and keep him in a pentagram in my basement.

I have tried. That's the point. That's what I'm trying to say. Guy's slippery. Guy's slippery, though. Gets right out. Because of that. I guess because of the RRs.

So at Sadvent, first of all, it's been four years since Sadventry won. I've gone back to Yale and gotten another degree in literary theory since we first started talking. That's how long it's been. Yeah. There have been changes in your life, your family as well, I hope. Oh, yeah. Now you have two sons, right? I do, and they are grown men who shave and everything now.

Yeah, they've got to be 35 years old by now or whatever. Are they, are they still at home enjoying sad vent and Christmas with you? Sad vent with you? Well, sad vent, you, you observe solely on your own and then your sons and your, your lovely wife celebrate Christmas in a, in a happy way. Yeah. And yeah. Yeah. And, and, and, and my wife, I try to keep a strict border between Sadvent and Christmas, but my wife is of

German descent, so borders are a suggestion to her. This year, she's kind of invaded Sadvent. She's Christmased me up early this year. She's been giving me eggnog and eggnog cookies and taking me to tinsel trails, and she's got a beautiful tree in the house, and it's getting very hard to Sadvent this year. She's been giving me eggnog and eggnog cookies and taking me to tensile trails.

And she got a beautiful tree in the house and it's getting very hard to sad that this year. But she's not coming out to your shed, right? No, she is not yet annexed to the shed, but that may happen. Do you have your sad vent tree to clarify to those who have not listened to this important?

And I would say seminal episode of Judge John Hodgman, To Tree or Not to Tree, Jason, for religious reasons, believes that the home should not be decorated with festive merriment before Christmas itself. Is that correct? And that the period leading up? Right. Okay. You can deck the halls. Yeah. Right.

And the issue was whether or not you would get and decorate a tree before Christmas Eve. And I said that you had no right to steal festive Christmas from your wife's tradition and take it from her. But if you wanted to observe your own private sober period of sober reflection called sadvent before Christmas, you could go out to your shed and look at a sadness tree. And so you have you have raised a sadness tree each year. Describe this year's sadness tree. Well, the sadness tree has gotten more and more abstract over the years. Last year, it was actually a board from a pallet. This year, it's rolled up. The trunk of the tree is made from rolled up brown paper, which is nothing but pulverized and boiled and humiliated trees, you know, probably hundreds of trees. So it's rolled up, and it has tapes together, and it has name-brand-markered Latin phrases on it. And then I took some greenery.

Like Transingloria? You know it. Especially for trees. Yeah, and Memento Mori. Two biggies. And I took some greenery from near the grave of a beloved pet of ours.

And that was growing out of the ground. And I also took some dead flowers from the front yard and kind of set them on there. And now, has that stood up in a stand in your shed, or did you just toss it in there in the dark? I leaned it up against an old rocking horse, my old childhood

rocking horse who's no longer on the frame. He just kind of lays there, leaned against the wall. You know, now I'm a little angry at you, Jason, because you shared a picture of yourself holding the new Sadvent tree, which we shared on our website and it's up there now if people would like to check it out. You did not share a picture of the sadness tree leaning against an old creepy movie rocking horse i can do that yeah please do i will it's it's important for sad vent oh i understand do you have any resolutions for the new year or does that also go against your religion well no you know i'll be 40 after christmas eve which means i'm practically

a ghost i'm practically a walking corpse yeah that's why i'm getting such a cold breeze off you right now yes yes and i'm thinking that it may be time – you know, you gave me a state of execution or a state of sentence, I think we've maybe done our work by releasing it into the world. And we may just kind of let the power of myths take over and see if maybe some sad else, you know, arises to make children all over the world sad. Well, I hear your petition and I,

and I, and I appreciate your point of view. It is true that once you have turned 40, you will no longer need to set a specific time of year aside in order to contemplate mortality and feel bad. That's going to be happening every day of your life for the rest of your life once you turn 40. But if you're if you're suggesting that you're going to give up sad vent and go back into the house and be merry all December long. I look forward to it. taken root in the world and then has now become its own sect of Christianity. Well, I'm afraid that's not yet proven, sir. You have not been out there. A picture of a dead tree once a year does not exactly make you Johnny Sadvent Tree. I don't have any pictures of independent Sadvent Trees or any evidence whatsoever that you have created a grassroots sect. So, no, I order you to continue Sadvent for time immemorial or until you come to me.

Oh, wow. Yeah, sorry. I mean, look, Jason, I like you a lot, but you can't get out of this. We need you, man. We need you out there saving our souls by being sad in the shed. I think I'll do that. I think I'll do that. And can I call upon the people of the Hodgman Nation to send in their pictures, their sediment pictures maybe next year? Yeah, that's true. You can do that. Of course you can.

I call upon them. Okay. That was really, you know what? Having you floating in my bedchamber as a ghost yelling with sincerity, I call upon them. That's how I want to celebrate Christmas every year. So happy holidays of all kinds to you, Jason Sims and the Sims family. Jason Sims and the Sims family, be it Christmas, Sadvent, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, or whatever you may celebrate, honor, or dishonor this wintertime season. I wish you merry and or sad, according to your tradition. And also to y'all. And also to y'all.

And so it is that I rule on all of these cases. Let each one have half of this Christmas goose, or half of this potato latke, or half of this Kwanzaa table, or half of this winter solstice sacrificed baby. Sorry, pagans. I know no one's sacrificing babies, and don't. Let each one have half of this ceremonial cake made in the shape of Richard Dawkins' head, if you're an atheist. And let no one allow that horrible king to shoot children with crossbows. This is my ruling for nonspecific holiday time.

This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHo. That's MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. All cases, big or small, we reads them all. We've got a great shot at appearing in our internet courtroom. If you'd like to name a future case, just follow at Hodgman on Twitter, at Jesse Thorne on Twitter, and like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. You can also join

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