Judge John Hodgman - J'accuzi

Episode Date: March 5, 2014

Chas wants to put in a pool at the family homestead, Corbin says it's a dangerous idea. Who's right?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm guest bailiff Monty Belmonte from 93.9 The River, WRSI in Northampton. This week, Jacuzzi. Corbin brings the case against his brother Chaz. Chaz thinks their parents should install a pool at the family homestead. Corbin thinks the idea of a pool is not cool. He says a pool would be impractical and a safety hazard. Should Chaz be allowed to petition for the pool, or should Corbin poo-poo the ool? Notice there's no P in it, because the P stands for perjury. Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a judge. So I tell him I'm a pro-judge.

And who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama himself, 12th son of the Lama. Blowing robes, the grace, bald, striking. So I'm on the first tee with him and I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one. Big hitter, the Lama. Long, into a 10,000-foot crevasse right at the base of this glacier.

You know what the llama says? Goonga-galoonga. Goonga-galoonga. So we finish the 18th, and he's going to stiff me, and I say, hey, llama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know? And he says, oh, there won't be any money but when you die on your deathbed you will receive total consciousness

so i got that going for me which is nice yes bailiff monty belmonti swear him in chas and corbin do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Neptune or Poseidon or whichever god is a pool god or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, even though there's a red cloud floating around him in the pool? Gross. I do.

You may proceed, Judge Hodgman. I do as well. Chaz and Corbin, you may be seated. First of all, I'm going to warm both of you. Thank you. I'm recording this from WRSI, the river, a radio station in Northampton, Massachusetts, with guest bailiff Monty Belmonte. Why?

I'm supposed to be on vacation. Supposed to be on vacation this week with my family. School break. Supposed to be on vacation this week with my family. School break. Come out here to Western Massachusetts. Rest quietly. And look at the snowfall.

And drink distilled beverages and watch movies. It's called skiing. But justice goes on. Injustice, specifically. The opposite of justice goes on. They hauled me back into court. Just like John Goodman in Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. That one goes out to Paul F. Tompkins.

You will get that reference. So I'm mad. You guys better not test me. Is it pool weather there in Western Massachusetts? Don't test me. Don't test me. Where are you? Where are you right now? I'm in Maryland.

Maryland? Who's speaking? This is Corbin. Corbin. We're actually both in Maryland. You're both in Maryland? Well, live it up. Because we got snow.

More snow than we need. I'm going to truck some down to you. Dump it on your head. That's why. I can't help but think how much better your vacation would be right now if you had a heated pool to relax in. What do you think is going to be gained by interrupting me when I'm going on my rant?

I hold you both in contempt. You can laugh, Bailiff Monty Belmonte, because I'm just going to be loose today. I'm not... I'm going to have to work on my vacation. Bailiff Jesse gets a day off. going to have to work on my vacation, bail if Jesse gets a day off. If I have to work on my vacation, I'm going to do whatever I want. And justice will be swift and harsh. I wish you had brought some of those distilled beverages

into the courtroom. I know. No beer or wine. Thumbs down on beer or wine. What'd I say? It's my ruling. Now, Corbin and Chaz,

I'm not even going to ask you if you can name the piece of culture I paraphrased as I entered the courtroom because you both know it, right? No, I do not. I looked up every popular culture reference that had swimming pools in it that I could think of and it wasn't any of those. Well, you forgot one, obviously. And first of all, can I just say it is a cultural reference, not a popular cultural reference. No, that's all right. You're fine.

Everyone makes this mistake. I think I've probably made it sometimes. But I'm not talking about pop culture. I'm talking about culture. It's all culture. Now on, cultural reference. Or you can say cult ref for short chas did you get the cult ref i got the cult ref right what is it well i i heard it but i don't know the answer what

do you understand the definition of words i think he understands the definition of cult ref but not the actual cult ref if i say you got the cult ref does that mean can you name it what's wrong with you guys you got it right ref, does that mean, can you name it? What's wrong with you guys? You got it right? I believe it's Caddyshack. Of course it's Caddyshack. I believe it's Bill Murray.

Bill Murray and Caddyshack. Okay, good. I got the cult ref. Yeah, you guys are both guys. What are your ages? 34. 34. 36.

36. I'm 35, so you should have got the cult ref. That's right down the middle, as they say in golf. Like I said, it's a little highbrow for us, that cultural reference. We're not that highfalutin. The judges ask that you refer to it as cult ref. No, the cultural reference is fine. It's not pop culture or pop cult. Po-cult ref.

No, no, Monty. Silence yourself. Put yourself in the penalty box. The court penalty box for 35 seconds. What are you, a cult ref? Sending me to the... 45 seconds. Ah, a minute for punning. Oh, puns.

That's another thing I'm mad about. I'm going to quit this. I'm going to quit this penny ante'm going to quit this penny-ante judgeship. Get myself an MBA. You know what an MBA is, guys? Masters of Business Administration? You would think so, no. It's a pamphlet from the Massachusetts Broadcasters Association.

Oh, you're in the penalty box. You can't laugh. Massachusetts Broadcasters Association that I picked up on the way into WRSI, Careers in Radio Broadcasting. You can't laugh. Massachusetts Broadcast Association that I picked up on the way into WRSI careers in radio broadcasting. There's a pamphlet about all the things you can do to go on terrestrial radio. It's the saddest pamphlet I've ever read in my life. All right. So since you couldn't even get that it was Caddyshack, that wasn't even going to be the question.

Neither of you will be able to guess or remember from that movie the pool scene where everyone freaks out because they think there is something gross floating in the pool. The family podcast. So I'm not going to say poop. But it turns out to be a candy bar. And the question was going to be what candy bar was it? You guys aren't going to know no no you want to take a guess chad king-sized tootsie roll gross my guess is a king i know i heard it i heard it i heard it and it was gross monty do you remember what it was am i out of the penalty box bringing you out if you can answer it. Is it Butterfinger? I was about to say, if you can answer it, we're all going to go home and go back to my vacation.

But no, now I have to serve justice. Baby Ruth. Oh, yeah, Baby Ruth. Dang it. So, aside from all of the other dangers associated with pools, the most notorious being someone poops in it, with pools, the most notorious being someone poops in it. There are also other risks.

And, Corbin, this is the meat of this case. Is that correct? Does it state the nature of your complaint, Corbin? Well, we're out of time. Thanks so much for joining us. No, go ahead. My brother is trying to convince my parents to put a pool in at their house. And I am worried that it's a safety hazard for all the grandkids whenever we come visit. You have kids, Corbin?

I do. I have two kids. How many? Oh, you have two kids. Okay. And Chaz? What? I have three girls. i have three you have girls you have

three girls not on a previous uh podcast i referred to the woman who wanted to buy the vespa her husband is a pool installer in texas and i referred to him i believe as a professional child drowner because pools can be dangerous chas why do you want to put a death trap in your, not even your own home, your parents' home? Explain. Well, I don't think it's a death trap. What it is, is a health, that's the health, you know, feature. My parents are 65 and 70 years old. The death trap would be not allowing them to get a pool because they're getting up in their age and they need some way to exercise. You're saying that unless they have a pool full of chlorine on their property, they're going to die? Well, everything kills you.

It's just how fast you die. So I think their death would be slowed by having a pool. Because of the exercise benefits? Exactly. We're going to do some aqua aerobics so judge be quiet i have not asked you a question chaz chaz are you there judge yes judge corbin always this pushy he is he's the younger brother? He is. I don't know why, but he's got a little feisty attitude that we've got to keep in check.

All right. Chaz, I'm talking to you now. I want to ask you some more questions. What is your parents' property? You guys are both in Maryland. Is it also in Maryland? So they live about two hours south at Lake Anna, Virginia. So just across the border.

Okay. And there's a lake nearby? It's a lake that's heated by the local power plant. It's a man-made lake, but it's quite sizable. It's big enough to water ski in. So it's a man-made lake, Lake Anna. And you're telling me it's a heated lake? Is that true? It's connected to the nuclear power plant, yes. Is it heated?

By accident. Well, they use it to cool the nuclear reaction, so maybe by a few degrees. It's not a hot tub lake. It's just slightly warmer than it would be normally. Is it heavy water? It's pretty, I don't know.

I don't remember how nuclear power plants work. Monty, until recently, or maybe still, you live full-time and I live part-time in the environs of Vermont Yankee. Yes. Nuclear power plant is now being closed. At the end of this year. You remember what is still going? It's going until the end of this year. And then they turn all the lights off in western Massachusetts.

Leave the nuclear waste up the top. How are you guys going to run your radio station? You don't have any of that nuke juice. Well, if we got some elderly people and a pool right and could somehow do some sort of hydroelectric geothermal yeah yeah i got you hydroelectric geothermal geothermal is when you drill into the ground that's when you do it what's the one where it's the the motion of the waves i forget the name of that that uh title or something title yeah super title old Old people enslaved making waves.

Yeah. Powering. Okay. Using aqua aerobics. I got you. Yeah. This is Northampton. We're very, very sustainable here.

Progressive. Right. All right. But the nuclear power plant takes the water from the river. Yeah. And in this case, the lake. Yeah. And uses it to cool down the extreme heat that it's caused when there is a nuclear reaction.

And then they usually put it back into the river or in this case, the lake. And it makes for when there is a nuclear reaction and then they usually put it back into the river or in this case the lake and it makes for a nice maybe slightly irradiated swimming experience okay so would you go would you go swimming in that river we're far enough downstream that once in a while we go but i always feel a little bit leery about it if it were just a lake right uh on the premises of the nuclear power plant or very close to it, I definitely would not. Okay. You see what I'm getting at here, Chaz? I'm trying to establish why you aren't just pushing your elderly parents into a lake if you want to drown them.

But apparently that's a health risk. Well, I'll take that argument if it comes from you. Do people water ski in the lake? Do you swim in the lake? People do. It's a popular recreation activity. Do you swim in the lake do you swim in the lake people do it's a popular recreation activity I don't because I get sinus infections when I go in the water but other people don't have that problem do your kids swim in the lake

they do do your parents swim in the lake on occasion when they're feeling brave how far away are they from the lake you could walk there just a few minutes down the street from where their house is On occasion when they're feeling brave. How far away are they from the lake? You could walk there just a few minutes down the street from where their house is. Corbin.

Yes. Your primary concern is that this pool is going to drown your children. How often do you guys go over to your parents' house? And why haven't you established lives of your own, your grown men? I'll take both of my questions off the air. Monty, you just listen to this. I'm going to go walk around the radio station for a while, checking out how radio stations are run so I can get my MBA.

Sure. No, go ahead, sir. All right. During the summer, we'll take extended stays there a week or so. Right. Why doesn't this drive your parents crazy? I think they like it. They built this house with room for everyone to come stay,

and they keep buying new toys to try and entice us to come and visit. Like what kind of toys? Like a jet ski. Oh, jet ski. Or a ski boat. A game of toys? Like a jet ski or a ski boat. The game of Risk. Actually, those both are the game of Risk in real life. So wait a minute. So you got jet skis up there in Nuclear Lake. You got ski boat floats.

Your kids go in the lake? They do. Right. How many times have they drowned yet? None yet because we always make sure and put a life jacket on them whenever they go down the lake. How old are they again? My kids are three and one. Why do you feel the pool is going to be so much more dangerous than the lake? Well, the lake is far enough away that the kids aren't going to wander down to the lake by themselves. It would definitely take someone walking with them or driving them down there. So when Chaz says that you can walk to the lake, it's not like at the bottom of the lawn, like you're going to have to go on some city streets or town streets or something to get there it's it's neighborhood streets but it's roughly a

mile a little less than a mile from my parents house okay i got you all right why do you think chas is pushing this pool on your parents i think because he doesn't like swimming in the lake because it gives him sinus infections. Okay. Chaz, if you convince your parents to put in this pool, are you going to pay for it? No. No. Interesting.

Corbin, do you... Go ahead. I would like to make a counterargument on the lake. Although Corbin uses it as an argument to not have a pool, I think the close proximity of the lake warrants having a method to do water survival training for infants. Don't play games with me. Water survival training. That's not what's going on here.

Don't bring in bogus stuff. That was bogus, right, Monty? No, I've seen videos of babies that learn how to flip themselves over when they're drowning and then start to cry it is just because I saw it on YouTube doesn't necessarily make it true but it seems believable but but this is not but you don't think that this is really what's going on in Chaz's mind no he's sitting down there he's sitting he's quiet I'm He's talking to... Be quiet, sir. I will have order. My accusation is, my jacuzzi is... No, I'm in the penalty box.

That you're bringing up something very high-minded, but that's not your primary motivation. How do you respond to that accusation? It's not high-minded. In fact, all three... Well, two of my girls have gone through the training that he was viewing on YouTube. At nine months old, you could throw them in the pool on graduation day with fully clothed, and they flip over on their back. Can they both swim? They can.

Can your brother's kids swim? I don't know if he's brave enough to pull the floaties off and dump them in the water. Is he a scaredy cat? They probably the water. Is he a scaredy cat? They probably are. Is Corbin a scaredy cat? You have to ask him that. I'm not going to accuse him. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't have to ask Corbin. I know what his answer is. He's going to say he's a prudent father.

You are the older brother, and I'm asking you, Chaz. I think we subscribe to a different parenting style. That would be safe to say. I think we subscribe to a different parenting style. That would be safe to say. I'm willing to get a little skinned up and choke on some water a little bit to get past the learning stage. Right. And let me ask you this. In-ground pool or above-ground pool?

In-ground. Okay. You make it as easy as possible for these kids to fall in and uh do your parents want this don't do anything they don't do anything cheaply so if my parents did it they would go all out with the automated pool cover and the the fence and the pool alarm and all of the bells and whistles that you would need to make it safe. Do they want to spend all this money for a safe pool? Well, Corbin... Or have you simply not told them what they want yet?

Well, Corbin has gone as far as to say, if you build the pool, then I won't be down to visit you as much, which is a little below the belt, I think. So maybe that could be motivation for them to be on the extra cautious side as far as safety features. Basically, your parents, the picture I have of your parents at this point, guys, are two very nice older people who obviously have invested well, maybe still working. They have some money to spend on some pool alarms, big houses for the kids.

And you guys just take turns bullying them into buying stuff you want and then working out your differences by blackmailing them by saying, I'm not ever going to see you again if you give in to Chaz's weird demand. And are they mentally sound? I just have a picture of these two old people that you guys are taking advantage of slash gaslighting with your weird requests. Yeah, you know what would be nice to have on the lake?

About five more jet skis, please. Corbin, how accurate a picture am I painting? Can I respond to that? I would like to say that any big purchase that they have ever proposed, which has always been for the kids' enjoyment, I have opposed on financial grounds. Do you feel that your parents can't afford a pool? Do your parents work? Yes. They continue to work? They're not retired? My mom's retired. My dad is

still working. And may I ask what his profession is? He works for the government. He's had a successful and long career in the military, and now he's a contractor. He works in D.C. Okay. He's retired military, and now he works as a contractor for the government. Will you be filling the pool with black water? Now, Monty, I'm sorry, guys. You don't understand. What I have just said really gets under the skin of people living in Northampton because they think they know better than everybody else in the world.

And they're liberals. Be quiet, liberal. I just want to stay on the good side of this family because I don't want to be disappointed. So, okay. They are very nice. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I i i believe look it's fine can they afford this pool or no not should can i'm not i'm not i'm not 100 positive whether or

not they can afford it i they're not ones who are investing in the stock market and saving all their pennies for their retirement. They're more along the lines of let's spend our kids' inheritance on our kids right now. Oh, so that's why you don't want the pool. They want to spend their money giving joy to their grandkids and buying all kinds of things and they're leaving you in the lurch. That's right. I want the dividends in the bank to grow so I can spend it on what I want later.

No, that's not really my opinion, but my point is they like to spend their money instead of save it, which kind of rubs me the wrong way when I see my parents maybe making what I would consider unsound financial decisions. Such as what? I worry about them, you know, buying ski boats and other toys that, you know, I would rather see them save that money for when they actually do retire

so they maybe could retire and not have to continue to work. Don't you understand that your dad wants to go out, slam in a jet ski, at 90 miles an hour into that nuclear power plant? That's how he wants to live his life. Yeah, and if that's the case, that's fine. But I will refute Chast's argument that when on occasion they swim in the lake, I don't ever remember my mom swimming anywhere.

What weird power does Chaz have to convince your parents to buy things? He is like a lovable worm tail. He can just whisper in their ears and convince them to do whatever he wants. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on one second. Hang on one second, Corbin. I believe you were making reference to the character from The Lord of the Rings,

Wormtongue. Wormtongue, you're right. As opposed to Wormtail from Harry Potter, who is Scabbers the Rat and the faithful servant of Lord Voldemort. Spoilers. Right. I think he might also be a C.S. Lewis character.

No, I'm thinking of Screwtape. Sorry. All right. We all got our cult refs in. He's like Grima Wormtongue. He can convince. Because I'm getting this picture I feel like your dad is King Theoden

and he's sitting in his hall and he's all got cobwebs all over him and Chaz is talking in his ear going I think it would be good for you to get a pool what else has he convinced them to buy that they don't need? He's convinced them to buy some kayaks, which was also under the guise of exercise, which have never been used.

He's convinced them to build a greenhouse, which is a very impressive greenhouse, but is empty and has never really produced a lot of plants because nobody gardens in my family. For a few months, we had quite a few tomatoes coming out of the greenhouse. And who was raising the tomatoes? Well, because of the good son that I am, I fully automated the greenhouse. So it watered automatically. It turned on the fans automatically. All you really had to do was go pick the tomatoes.

It was a robot greenhouse? Like a robot would go in there and plant them and tend them and everything? How much did the greenhouse cost? The only thing you had to do was pick them. How much did the greenhouse cost? Well, this is where my genius will shine through. To save them money, I went on Craigslist and found 30 free sliding glass doors and used it to build the greenhouse at almost minimal cost, really.

Did you build the greenhouse or did you force your dad to build the greenhouse while you watched? Hurry up, old man. Lift more of those sliding glass doors. Look, I got it. I went on Craigslist and I got 30 sliding glass doors. Turn this into a greenhouse. You have 10 hours. Go.

Did you build it together or did you force your dad to build it we built it together is that true corbin yes or no no that is true all right but you could have said yes and saved me 30 seconds of confusion yes that's true how much so jess planted all the plants and he's the only one who ever tends to the greenhouse garden so it withers and dies in between his his uh visit so basically this is a double blackmail situation where chas is saying you should get this stuff the kids will love it and the grandparents of course go stuff. The kids will love it. And the grandparents, of course, go, okay, if the kids will love it. And now you're putting your foot down. You're saying, I will refuse to let you see your grandchildren if you put a pool in the ground. Is that true,

Corbin? You're not going to visit anymore? I did say that I would visit less often. It would make the visits less enjoyable, and I would be more anxious. So during the summer months, I might not be as likely to visit when the pool is in use. That's like if you're mad at a movie theater because they gave you bad service last time, so you're going to show them by buying a ticket and not going. Did you understand what Chaz is doing here, Corbin? Chaz is making them build the house of his dreams, and he's doing it on the backs of his own children.

He's using them as props in order to force your parents into building a house that he likes and wants and will use. The more he uses it, the more he wins. The more you withhold those grandchildren, the more you withhold those grandchildren the more you lose not only precious time with your family whom you clearly love but also uh you're not going to get to use the house and then chaz will be there all the time and then one day chaz will say, hey, dad, I bought a bunch of garbage on eBay. Why don't you turn it into an airplane? And your dad will have a heart attack.

And no one in Chaz will have gotten away with murder. No, I concede the fact that Chaz is a better son. He calls them more often. He visits more often. But I would be remiss if I didn't look out for the safety of my own children first over the potential benefits of winning favors with my parents and possibly getting a bigger inheritance. Do your kids know how to swim?

I have two questions. I understand. I have two questions, and then I'm going to be able to make my verdict. Two questions. One, do your kids know how to swim? They do not. They're learning, but not... How old are they again? Three and one. The three-year-old is learning, but he can't swim on his own.

Right. That's pretty young. Second question. One idea would be to have my parents fund the infant swim class for his children. I think that's a great idea, Chaz, but who is going to talk them into that? Do we know anyone who could possibly talk your parents into spending some money? I mean, it's just impossible to imagine. I propose a chest cave. It's probably a drop in the bucket when it comes to the pool alarm and the automated pool cover. A few hundred dollars for the swim training wouldn't be that bad.

Did you say a drop in the bucket because that's a pun? Is that something that's used to hold water? cold water? I would just like to say that children ages one to four have the highest drowning rates, and that's the majority of my parents' grandkids fall in that age category. In Massachusetts, you can't build a pool

without putting a fence around it. I presume there are similar laws, or actually it's Virginia, so maybe not. Maryland? There is such a lot here okay there is a law and they would have a fence and the studies that I read say something as simple as putting up a fence reduces drowning by 80% but then they're not stopping there and Corbin as an engineer by trade should appreciate all of the different mechanisms that there

are out there now to mitigate those risks that he's worried about. What is your job aside from sponging a lifestyle off your parents that you haven't earned? Well, I work in computer security and to project his argument into my field would be like saying grandma shouldn't get on the internet because there is a slight risk that she could get owned or click on a bad link or get phished. Yeah, and why should she go on the internet? Why should she go on the internet? Why should she go on the internet?

You're already human trafficking your own parents. Nine of those are under the age of five. And if you have 18 grandkids at a pool, it's almost impossible to supervise all of those toddlers and young kids unless you're a certified trained lifeguard. And then you might even need multiple lifeguards. So I think even with the safety precautions of covers or alarms, just the general use of the pool would even be dangerous in my opinion. Several trained lifeguards? Several trained lifeguards? 65% of people in the U.S. don't know how to

swim. Now, if Corbin were running things, that number would be much higher because his solution, although there is sand at the beach, he wants to put his head in the sand and avoid teaching his kids how to swim instead of providing the facilities to do it safely. That's not true. I put my three-year-old in swim class,

and I take him to the lake. I just don't want it right in the backyard. But surely, Chaz, you could convince your parents to hire several trained lifeguards. It wasn't in the original budget, but I'd have to rework a few numbers. How much do you expect this pool to cost with all the bells and whistles that you put on it? Ballpark me. Oh, man. It probably has four zeros on it? Ballpark me. Oh, man. It probably has four zeros on it.

I would say between... Give me a number. You're a computer security guy. That could be anything. I would say between $50,000 and $100,000. That's a guess. Corbin, do your parents have free will if Chaz tells them you should build a pool for $75,000? Are they able to say no?

Theoretically, they're able to say no, but I have not yet seen them say no in the face of one of Chaz's arguments. So I would question whether or not they actually have that free will when it comes to Chas. Your dad, what was his last rank held in the military? He was a colonel. Colonel. You think he spent a lot of his life being pushed around by his underlings? Yeah, yeah, of course. You're in the military, you get pushed around.

When you're a colonel, though, the only one who can push you around is a... What is it? What's higher than a colonel, Monty? General? General. Major general. Modern major general, basically. That's it.

So, musical Broadway stars. Yeah. All right. $75,000. All right, I think,000. All right. I think I've heard everything I need to hear. Please rise as the honorable judge Hodgman exits. I'm going to take,

I'm going to take the water slide down to my chambers. Chaz Corbin. Hodgman doesn't know how to swim I'll be right back That was close Corbin Do you resent Your brother Chaz because of his Hippie parenting methods that have taught

All of his infant children how to swim In a somewhat cutting edge Manner by throwing Young babies into pools and watching them that have taught all of his infant children how to swim in a somewhat cutting edge manner by throwing young babies into pools and watching them tip themselves over so that they don't drown and then they start to cry so you can rescue them? No, truth be told, if I wasn't so thrifty, I would probably pay for those classes myself, but I am not as free with my money as Chas is or with other people's money. Is it thrift or is it legitimate fear?

No, it's not fear. I put my three-year-old in swim classes. Do you consider yourself a strong swimmer there, Corbin? I do, yeah. So this isn't some deep-seated psychological fear of the water that you have? No, no, not at all. Chaz, it seems to me like the good judge said that um while corbin may be

hoping that your parents will die with all their money so that he will just leave you all of his money you are trying to stockpile things in the here and now with their money is that an unfair accusation well i i subscribe to their philosophy of enjoying life and dying penniless but you're making them die penniless as opposed to dying penniless yourself it seems are you spending any money on anything or are you just or your parents just paint down to their house but that's it we'll be right back after this message. Am I supposed to say that? It doesn't matter. I said it. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

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I think that you are prudent, but not excessively cautious when it comes to issues of water safety and pool safety. when it comes to issues of water safety and pool safety. I think that your concerns about finances are thoughtful and not stingy. I think all of the character assassination that Chaz attempted upon you and that I, frankly, aided him with has gone wrong. Chaz did not inherit his father's gift for assassination of characters, of characters. I don't know what he does. I don't know what he ever did.

Character assassination. I'm talking, maybe he's a D, I mean, he's a D andD player is what I'm talking about. Right, right, exactly. Probably what he was doing for the government all that time. Doing deep research into D&D. This isn't to say that I find

all of your arguments, I'm trying to figure out a way to say this without saying holding water, convincing. Right? Because you are making an argument about safety trying to figure out a way to say this without saying holding water, convincing, right? Because you are making an argument about safety when you are allowing, and presumably will allow, yourself and eventually your children to get on jet skis, which are really fun.

And I guess not that dangerous, but you could kill yourself on a jet ski easy, right? Sure. Right. Do you ever know someone who killed himself on a jet ski? Not, not died.

No, no, but horribly maimed. Really? No, but a little bit wounded. I'm going on a jet ski next week. I love jet skis.

Yeah. I want to come to their parents' house. I know. It sounds like the best house, but this is the thing. run by robots i know this is the thing monty i don't find all of corbin's arguments to be particularly convincing in particular the idea that if you get 18 kids into a into a regular pool that some that it is just statistically uh uh not only probable but but determined that one of them is going to drown to death they have a staff of several lifeguards like you know what people get into pool like people do drown in pools but in a supervised situation particularly

a pool that probably has a shallow end and enough adults watching i would say 18 kids will probably go into the say 18 kids will probably go into the pool 18 kids will come out and think of the whirlpool not the thunderdome yeah i mean i don't think i would ever want to get in that pool again after 18 kids were in there it's going to be heated not by the nuclear reactor i can tell you that exactly it's not going to be baby ruth bars you know what i'm talking about so i i think your your your prudence is is reasonable and of course you can make whatever choice you want to make in terms of uh if this pool were to happen uh you could make whatever choice you wanted to make in terms of your own uh personal and family safety by not

going to the house that often or going to the house when all the cousins are there and explaining to your children why they have to stay inside and why you are taping couch cushions to them so they don't hurt themselves while everyone else is having fun. Those are your choices. And really what this comes down to is free will. Mom and dad aren't even in this conversation that's something i don't understand and i find chas's manipulation of them into buying all kinds of skis and whatnots to be weird it's a legal term weird Weirdness. 30 sliding doors on Craigslist.

Yeah. Like, it's weird. What's going on is weird. And I appreciate that in a neutral environment, if your mom and dad had simply said, you know what, guys, I think we're going to put a pool in. We're going to raise the value of our property. And it'll be great for the grandkids, and we're going to make sure

we're going to put in all the safety and stuff. Like, you probably would be like, okay, go for it. It's your money. But the game Chaz is working over here, I feel like what I'm reading, Corbin, isn't so much that this is intrinsically

a death trap so much as this has gone too far. this has gone too far. This has gone too far. This is one thing too many. Now that may or may not be. I believe that the parents, as all parents do, particularly retired military, have free will and are able to make decisions about their lives. And it is their money, and they can spend it as they like. And I don't think Chaz is a hypnotist. I don't think Chaz... Well, maybe Chaz has inherited his father's abilities

at post-hypnotic suggestion after secret dosing with LSD. Is that what he did? MK Ultra? Did he do that? I don't know. We'll never know. That said, I don't think. We'll never know. That said, I don't think he is a master manipulator. I do think he is a deadbeat.

I will say that. $75,000. $50,000 to $100,000. I'm going $75,000. That's a lot of money for them to spend. He wants to pool so much he can offer to pay for half. I cannot order a gag.

I am not a member of Black Ops. There shall be no gag order on topics of conversation. We cannot protect ourselves from everything in the world. Corbyn, you know this already. protect ourselves from everything in the world. Corbin, you know this already, and certainly protecting yourself from an idea by refusing to discuss it is un-American. Chaz may work whatever wiles he wants,

but if I find out that pool went in and Chaz didn't pay for half of it, he's fired from the family. That's enforceable. Because this is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all. Chas, Corbin, how do you feel about the decision that the Honorable Judge John Hodgman has rendered?

I feel pretty good. I know that if Chaz has to pay for half the pool, then the pool will never be built. So I'm happy. You're relying on the deadbeat nature of your brother to ensure the safety of your children. Chaz, are you satisfied with the judge's ruling? Well, I appreciate his libertarian undertones. As a libertarian, I think free speech and discussing ideas should always be welcome. And unfortunately, Corbyn wanted to ban that discussion.

So at least that's still on the table. I guess I just need to figure out where I can come up with some cash and we'll be good to go. Well, it's, you know, isn't it? It's your destiny to get out there and work hard to get that cash. Yeah, I wish I had known about this libertarian business a lot earlier. I guess the public pool is right out of the question at this point. Yeah, right. It's like my brother is trying to rob me of my libertarian right to mooch and be a parasite off my parents.

Don't tread on my pool. to mooch and be a parasite off my parents. Don't tread on my pool. Did I mention that he used to live with my parents when he was married and had children? You didn't have to because I knew. Somehow I knew. But you know what? That's Chaz's deal.

He's having a good time over there with the parents. He likes working on the house and building things out of junk. And that's how he lives his life. Your parents live their lives the way they want it. They kind of like having him around. And you live the life the way you like to live it. And that's all good.

But you know what, Chaz? Enough's enough. $100,000 pool is a big ask. And you're using your kids to get it, and it's not cool. You know what? It drools. It's not cool. You're in the penalty box, says the cult ref.

It just rhymes. All right. It rhymes. Not a pun. That's what I'm saying. I'm just reiterating my thing, and then I'm going to get these goofballs out of here, and we can talk some more about how mad I am. No snow day.

I want to be in a pool. But anyway, you know what, Chaz, it's time to step up. You're going to tell your parents you should get this stuff. You say, and you know what, we're going to be using it a lot, and I'd love to split the cost with you. And then you'll really see parents who love you. Get out of here, you guys. Well, we're going to be getting a cheaper pool, so that's for sure.

Not if you can get Corbin to chip in a little bit. No, Corbin doesn't have to pay. Corbin doesn't have to pay for anything. Maybe he should. Maybe he will. Corbin, if you ever dip a toe in that pool, you've got to give your brother $50,000. Goodbye. Thank you, Chaz and Corbin, for joining the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you very much. Bye-bye. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org.

If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. You want to clear this docket like a skimmer in a pool? How dare you interrupt me in my spa? Sorry, Judge John Hodgson. By the way, guys, spa is a Massachusetts thing for hot tub. They don't say that apart from here? No, I don't hear it. Hot tub is what you hear.

We also say hot tub. Yeah, or spa. Bubla? Bubla. That's my favorite one. That's a water fountain. A water fountain. Right.

And spa, by the way, in Massachusetts is spelled S-P-A-R-R-R-R-R-R. Spa. Spa. Yeah. Spa is also one of those weird things. Spa, you also in Massachusetts used to see, like a corner store would be called a spa. No, I never grew up with that. No?

Spa? Brookline Spa in Brookline Village? I've seen it around the only thing I can think of is that these old corner stores they used to sell like

bubble water they would have like a you know what I mean yeah a fountain like a fountain maybe they'd shave you up it'd be like a day spa no no no no no no no no no

because here's the thing this is I traced it back see you would a spa used to be a place where you would go take the waters right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because here's the thing. This is I traced it back. See, you would a spa used to be a place where you would go take the waters. Right. You'd you'd go to Saratoga Springs. Right.

Right. And you would you would bathe in the mineral water or you just drink the mineral water because of its health effects. And I think that these old drugstores and and and and lunch counties and stuff, they would call them a spa because you would have a soda fountain there. And then I don't know how, but you would also, then it diverged. We should have Emily Brewster. She lives near here in Turner's Falls. I think the word diverged, right?

So all of a sudden you got a spa, meaning still in some weird old places in Massachusetts, a soda fountain. And then you also have a spa, which is a spa treatment, because you would get these treatments at a spa, right? These health resorts near these springs, these natural springs. Now I want to know the etymology of spa.

I just told it to you, Monty. Does it have some Latin base of word water or thing built into it? I think it was named after Spartacus. Sparta. Sparta. Sparta. Sparta. In Massachusetts.

All right. So that's the docket. Oh, no. Wait a minute. We got... Oh, I'm so mad. I have to work. I want to talk about etymologies of words all day long.

All right. Someone wrote in. I'm going to read this one, Monty, because I've decided that when people write in corrections rather than present cases for the docket, I need to deal with the pedantry myself. Own up to it. Well, make fun of them. I'd like to submit a correction. In episode 145, Moped Operandi, that's the one where I

accused the cool installer of being a child drowner. You, John Hodgman, said that your pop culture... Oh, already this guy's off. Cult ref. Your cult ref was from the film version of The Who's Quadrophenia. That's correct, I said that. You cited the song Love Rain O'er Me. I've never seen the movie version of Quadrophenia. That's correct. You cited the song Love Rain O'er Me.

I have never seen the movie version of Quadrophenia, but on the album version, those lyrics are from the track I've Had Enough. It's the last song from the first half of the album where Jimmy is finally having a major crisis about his life. This leads into 515 where he takes the train down to Brighton, eventually has his moment of emotional

clarity at the end of the album when he sings Love Rain O'er Me on a rock in the middle of the ocean. This misunderstanding makes sense given I've Had Enough does include the lyrics Love Rain Over Me repeated in it numerous times. However, I'd like the record to show the true source comes from I've Had Enough. Okay, so you may enter that in the record. Bailiff Monty. And here's the record. It's entered into the circular file. Bonk. Done.

I'm turning this into a late night talk show circa 1982. But yes, you're absolutely right. And the movie does end with I've Had Enough. They change the order of the songs. In the movie, that song comes at the end when he throws Sting's bike off a cliff. Motorbike off a cliff. And that was, I had the wrong name of the song. It does say Lovering Over Me. Now, is there something from the docket there? I just want to say as a music disc jockey, that is, that's too far. I've had enough of that guy's complaints. Get over it. Oh, like a lot of people write in and say that you misidentified a song?

No. I mean, this is such minutiae. No, I had the wrong song. Is the name of the wrong song? Close enough. There is a song called Love Rain. Were you doing it impromptu, just trying to recall from memory? No.

All right. I basically watched Quadrophenia in order to come up with something, I basically watched Quadrophenia in order to come up with something. Some kind of cultural reference for a Vespa, because this woman wanted to buy a Vespa. Right. And you know what? It's a good movie. Yeah.

You know who's in it? It's better than Tommy. Ray Winstone. I don't know who that is. You know who Ray Winstone is. He was in Sexy Beast. Oh. Oh, yeah.

You know who I'm talking about, right? I think I do, yeah. A young Ray Winstone plays the rocker friend of the main character, Maudie McMod, or whatever his name is. That's Ray Winstone. I've never seen Quadrophenia. I have the album,

but I've never actually seen the movie. How come no one is seeing this movie? It's good. It is a good... I hear good things about the movie. Better than the Tommy movie. Someone who knows... But here's my point, Britt.

Someone who knows this much about the Who and the album Quadrophenia ought to have seen this movie by now. So I sentence you for your pedantry. You have to watch Quadrophenia. I'm just hearing that you can watch it for free on YouTube. Pretty high quality, too. Just something I heard.

Okay. There is one docket item. Elizabeth writes, Last year, my brother Tim and I talked about what we were giving up for Lent. Tim told me that he was giving up social media for Lent, including Twitter and Facebook. However, he still sent tweets via text message from his cell phone, not a smartphone, and received direct messages from Twitter. Tim plans to continue this practice this coming Lent.

My family and I do not believe this is actually giving up social media. And we would like Judge John Hodgman to order Tim to completely disconnect from Twitter. No. Different things. Social media, Twitter, Facebook, these are what they call on the internet terms

the walled gardens. And they're like gardens of forking paths. You go into them and you get lost. But what Tim is continuing to do is receive information from the outside world via text, email, and direct messages from Twitter, which I presume that he's getting forwarded to his email. And that's fine. That's a different thing. That is receiving information from the world. That is not, believe me, I've tried to break,

every year I make the New Year's resolution that I am going to no longer use the internet in bed. Why are you smiling? I'm just wondering how that's going. Not very well. It's a really hard thing to break. What if you get a non-smartphone and just text message to Twitter from bed, and then you could feel good about it?

You'd certainly be paying for it. But what you're talking about, madam, is total abstinence from Internet, what David Reese calls the Internet Temperance Brigade, which is a group he forms every year whenever he's on a cruise of any kind. He tells people to just shut off all things. And, you know, if he wants to do that for Lent next year, total abstinence, then that good for him. And maybe Jesus will love him then. But he didn't break the rule, so you're out of luck.

Goodbye. It's no day. Monty. Yes. That's it for the docket so you're out of luck. Goodbye. Oh, it's no day. Monty. Yes. That's it for the docket, right? That's the docket. By the time you hear this, Monty, Ragnarok will have passed yet again. And I bet the world isn't going to end again.

Right now, it is February something. 19th. 19th. I lost track because it's February something. 19th. 19th. I lost track because it's supposed to be my vacation. Yeah. They are saying in York, England, at the Jorvik Viking Center, where I have been, by the way, they have a sweet dark ride where you ride through an animatronic Viking town. Wow.

That the true Norse Ragnarok of Norse of Nordic mythos is supposed to hit on February 22nd and all the gods are going to fight and the earth is destroyed and they are destroyed and then a new earth is reborn. My guess is that that's not going to happen. And so even you will get to hear this podcast and you will get to buy one of my Ragnarok survival kits,

which once again have saved no one from death but have delighted many or up to and including 500 with a DVD of my comedy special Ragnarok the only DVD that exists with

extra stuff in it survival mayonnaise a beautiful urine flask a thumb drive stuff in it. Survival mayonnaise, a beautiful urine flask, a thumb drive containing my consciousness, and true actual facial hair clippings from me so that you can clone me in the future.

Guaranteeing my immortality. And you can go to bit.ly slash surviveragnorock to get one of only 500 of these special cases that were made and designed by superstar designer Jessica Hish. They're really things of beauty. I don't know how many are left. I'm just going to keep talking about them until they tell me I can't anymore. I love them.

The 500 makes it sound like you are a cult ref who is going to oversee this specific cult that only 500 people will survive through this Well, you obviously don't want to be talking on my podcast anymore, so That doesn't count as a pun It was too close, Monty Too close

Our thanks go to Chris Fazio for naming this episode Jack Hughes-y Jack Hughes I actually like that pun I like puns Chris Fazio for naming this episode. Jacuzzi. Jacuzzi. I actually like that pun. I like that. Yeah. I like puns.

The show is produced by Julia Smith. Thanks, Julia. And edited by Mark McConville. Thanks, Mark. And normally bailiffed by the wonderful Jesse Thorne. But I want to say thank you to guest bailiff Monty Bill Monty, who will be back next week. Because I am recording that episode in about 10 minutes. Sorry. It's sorry to ruin the magic of broadcasting.

I haven't quite earned my MBA yet. Monty. Yes. If you have a dispute for Judge John Hodgman, do you know what to do? I would first go to MaximumFun.org. Yeah. And then continue to type slash JJ Ho. It will take you directly to a form that you can fill out that will go directly to me. You tell me your dispute. Maybe I'll hear it on the air. Maybe I'll resolve it on the page of the New York Times Magazine. Maybe I'll read your letter of pedantry on the air. Maybe I'll hear your case for the docket. In any case, I'm going to look at it. And if you have something you want to say to me, just say it to me. Hodgman at MaximumFund.org or

go to MaximumFund.org slash JJ Ho. Monty, if you want to name a case, do you know how to do it? I would go to MaximumFund.org first. Well, go to our Facebook page specifically. Like us on Facebook, and then you'll see when we ask for the names of cases, and you can enter it in that way. Or follow us on Twitter. If you're not abstaining from Twitter for Lent, go to at Hodgman, H-O-D-G-M-A-N. Or I think it's at Jesse Thorne, J-E-S-S-E-T-H-O-R-N. I think that's everything for this episode of Judge John Hodgman.

You hear me stammering, Monty? I'm never going to be a broadcast professional. See you next time on Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne,

and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfund.org and our Facebook

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