Judge John Hodgman - JJHO Office Holiday Party 2023

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

It's the end of 2023 and the Judge John Hodgman team is having a little holiday party! Bailiff Jesse Thorn finally gets to try Pam from Seattle's famous Eggnog and Orange Soda. Pam gives us a new festive concoction to try. But not before trying some new to us recipes sent in by listeners!HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bill of Jesse Thorne. It's the end of the year and it's time for our annual Judge John Hodgman office holiday party. With me as always is the holiday man, Judge John Hodgman. It's beginning to smell a lot like mustard. All throughout the house. No spoilers. But when you think of holiday smells, you think grape jelly and mustard.

And that's wafting into my nostrils here on the JJ ho ho ho office holiday party. Jesse, last time we did this, you couldn't join us because you pretended to be sick to get out of eating all this weird food. Yeah, I pretended to have a debilitating chronic illness. Migraine headaches.

A permanent disability. Let's just say it was convenient. Look, a migraine is never convenient for you and anyone who has to struggle with them. And I apologize for that. But you got out eating some weird food the last time we did this.

But this time you're back, I hope in good fettle and no hope of escape for you. This is a tradition that started a while ago when we invited people to send in their most treasured or most interesting family recipes for the holidays. Distinctive. What other euphemisms for weird and disgusting are there? We wanted their most treasured family recipes, and what we got instead was tomato soup salad. And you weren't around when we had the tomato. This is a cold molded salad made of tomato soup,

gelatin, cream cheese bell pepper and onion and our our our listener in new england will passed it on to us like a curse after it had been passed on to him by his grandmother in milo maine and he claims that everyone loves this salad and everyone in the family devours it. And he likes to have it the day after Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever on cold, like a slab of it on between two pieces of white bread. And we tried it, Jesse, you weren't here. It was not to my liking, but Will won't stop sending me pictures of it

year after year. So I just wanted to share with you and our listeners. 2023's tomato soup salad. Jesse, it's in the document there for you. Obviously, listeners can see it. Maximumfun.org. J.J. Hopage, as well as our Instagram account, at Judge John Hodgman.

What do you think of this year's ring mold? Wow. Yeah, I just opened it up. Really? Yeah, I just don't think it really. Well, I mean, it looks to some extent, it just looks like a creamsicle Bundt cake. Like, as you would imagine, if you made Jell-O in a Jell-O mold that was a Bundt cake style Jell-O mold, it may even be a Bundt pan. An opaque Jell-O. Like a creamy ale tomato opaque Jell-O mold. It may even be a Bundt pan. An opaque Jell-O. Like a creamy, pale, tomato, opaque Jell-O. But then it has these shards of vegetable appearing as though they're, it makes it look like an inedible moon rock. Yeah.

Jennifer Marmer, producer, you're here with us on the line, are you not? I'm here. Happy holidays to you. Happy holidays. But you and I both had the tomato soup salad, right? No, I didn't. You really threw a curveball during that recording. I was not planning on prepping that.

And then you showed up with a container of it. You held it upside down over your computer. Yeah, we'll put that photo out. Dairy Queen, Blizzard style. Yeah. It was a sight. It was a sight. It was a sight. So you and Joel tried it. And the release from the Bundt cake pan was not perfect,

Will, this year. So as Jesse points out, there's a craggy bottom to it, revealing the strata of bits of bell pepper and onion, which are challenging to people, even when not encased in tomato soup mixed with mayonnaise and cream cheese.

But now that you've seen it, Jesse, you will die in seven days. Listeners, you can take your own life in your hands because this photo as well as the recipe is on the show page at MaximumFun.org. We're not going to taste it again this year because we've got too many good new things to taste. Before we get to them, though, Jesse, it says here, this is our cocktail hour, by the way, at the holiday party. It says here on this piece of paper that I'm looking at that you have never tried eggnog

with orange soda. Is that correct? This is a Judge John Hodgman legend beverage, one that you and Jennifer bring up a lot. Iconic. Yeah, you tried it on a past holiday episode, and I never have. I have to say that I like both eggnog. I'm a big eggnog fan. I love eggnog. I know some people, it grosses them out, but I really like it. Yeah. And I like orange soda. I'm an adult orange soda drinker, and I'm not afraid to admit it. My favorite is a Jarritos Mandarina, but I'll drink any orange soda that comes along. Sometimes you feel like a soda pop, and I don't drink caffeine ordinarily, so orange soda is a nice available one.

It's a little more than a 7-Up or a Sprite is not enough flavor for me. Don't take a drink now, Jesse. Because what I'm going to say is, this is two great tastes that go great together. Eggnog and orange soda. Reese's Eggnog Orange Cup. And everyone in the world who has tried it likes it. There can be no skepticism about this, Jesse.

That's a fact. Okay, I'm deeply skeptical about it. I want to be clear. No, no, no. We have proof. I screened some litigants for a case that we might hear. And before we hung up, we had like five minutes left on the Zoom call. And they were like, wait, we have a question for you. Is eggnog and orange soda actually good? Yeah. And I love that they were like, we're going to

talk to the producer of Judge John Hodgman. We gotta know. We're going to get to the bottom of this. There's only one way to find out. Ask someone else. Yep. Well, Jesse and those listeners and everyone else,

if you need any proof that eggnog and orange soda should be had as quickly as possible, fear not. Here are some unsolicited accolades from some friends of the show. Hi. I'm guest bailiff Jean Grey,

and I enjoy eggnog with orange soda. Let me taste it. I love it so much. And no one is making me say this. Happy holidays. It's your summertime fun time guest bailiff Monty Belmonte here. And I enjoy eggnog with orange soda. I love it so much.

And that's not a fantasy. I'm not just egg-nogging you on. It's delicious. And no one is making me say this. Jesse, you should really try this delicious con-nog-tion. Hi, it's me, Marie Barty Salinas of the Judge John Hodgman's social media accounts. One thing you may not know about me, Jesse, is that I love eggnog mixed with orange soda. Just like everyone else in the world. You will also like it. You will also become one of us. No one is making me say this right now.

Hi, Judge and Jesse. It's me, Joel, from WERU in Orland, Maine. Just wanted you to know that I enjoy eggnog with orange soda. I love it so much. Yum, yum. No one is making me say this. By the way, I got scallops. It was nice of Joel to record that one on a camcorder microphone. I have it here. Are you ready for me to give it a try? Yeah, because I'm not going to drink it. I've had it too many times.

I have a big, beautiful glass of it. It does have a creamsicle-y appearance. beautiful glass of it. It does have a creamsicle-y appearance. It didn't foam as much as I expected. Taking a sip. Very nicely keeping it all off mic for you misophonics out there. He's a pro. He's a pro.

It's a pretty good drink. Pretty good drink, right? Pretty good drink. Yep. I'm not going to race to make it more. It's not like I'm going to constantly be going to the grocery store for more nog and orange soda to make it more, but it is a pretty nice drink. I think citrus goes well with the kind of spicy seasonings that are in eggnog, and citrus and something creamy go together well, as in a

sherbet or a creamsicle. Absolutely. Here's what I'm saying to everyone out there. Give it a try. It's a good, frothy, creamy, orange Julius-y holiday treat. Now, this was introduced to us, as you know, by our listener Pam from Seattle. And we, Jesse, you and I got to meet Pam after our Van Freaks Roadshow live stream

not long ago, which, by the way, the live stream is still available only until January 2nd. You can get it at vanfreaksroadshow.com. That's vanfreaksroadshow.com. But we got to meet Pam from Seattle and it was so cool to meet her virtually during the virtual meet and greet after.

And during that time, she pitched us a new holiday wassail that we'll enjoy at the end of this program. But since we're all nicely nogged up, why don't we hear a holiday dispute? Here's one from Elliot from Evansville, Wisconsin. My wife's sister just had a baby. My mom knitted a hat for the baby.

She put it in an iPad box for me to wrap and deliver. I say it's gauche to give a gift inside the box of a luxury item that you bought for yourself. My mom says it's a nice box and it would be a shame to throw it out. Could you please advise on how to handle this? Knitted baby hat in an iPad box. John, as you know, I'm the PC to your Mac. I'm a PC user. I'm not a huge Apple guy, but I'm ready to stipulate here that Apple products come in nice boxes. Nice boxes. They really revolutionized the technology box game. Just as Gateway 2000 once did by putting cow spots on boxes. Cow.

Yeah, no, that fancy packaging. I mean, look, I know what everyone on the Reddit, all the PC heads are going to say on the Reddit. Those fancy packaging is making up for a product for idiots who don't like to build their own PCs or whatever. I say they're wrong, but it's absolutely true. That's all part of the tactile experience. So Jennifer Marmer. Yeah. You have a couple of human children. I sure do. And one of these human children's still pretty much a baby, right? Yes.

Right. Definitely a baby. So when this baby was born, let's say hypothetically speaking that you had a sibling and their partner's mother sent you a present and you unwrapped the present and it's an iPad box. And then you opened it and it was a hand knitted baby hat. Walk me through what you would think is going on there. I would see the iPad box and I would go, whoa, this feels unnecessary. It's a little yarn for kids to have tablets these days. And also it's my sister's mother-in-law.

It's not even like a direct relation to me. Right. I would be very confused. Why is she sending me such a generous gift? I mean, it's very kind, but why? And then I'd open it, see a knitted hat, and I would feel a wash of relief. Really? knitted hat and I would feel a wash of relief.

Really? Thank goodness that it's not an iPad for a baby from somebody that I'm not. Thank goodness that it's not an iPad. How dare you? Look. Look, we use iPads in our home. I thank you very much. I and the Apple Corporation, thank you very much. We have multiple.

One for my husband's work, one for when we're on the road and my four-year-old needs something to do. Yeah. And that's generally the only time or when we're at the doctor. It doesn't matter. I think that a knitted hat is... The point is this, Jennifer. You're a bad parent. Clearly.

100%. We're all thinking it, and I said it. You're just saying what we're all thinking. Yeah. And, yeah, no, and it had a lovely gift and very appropriate for a new baby. I have to say that this triggers a trauma for me. Oh, boy. Not what you said, Jennifer, but this question.

And I'll tell you why. I think it's a very lovely and thoughtful gift. It's not that it comes in an iPad box necessarily. That doesn't bother me that much, though I do have what I think is an elegant solution

to that situation. It is the fact that she gave it to Elliot to wrap. Because all of my children's Christmas gifts just come in one big box from my mom. Yeah. Unwrapped and unlabeled. Oh, no.

Oh, no. And in fact, sometimes my mom will buy something for my children on eBay, my mom will buy something for my children on eBay, have it sent to our house with no note, no explanation. Just a box will come addressed to us with something in it that we have no idea what it is or who it's for. And I have to guess that it came from my mom, call my mom, say, guess that it came from my mom, call my mom, say, did you send this random thing to my house? And she says, yeah, that's for so-and-so. It's just a total, it's a total baffler. And on the subject of be mindful of the work you leave for others, it leaves me and my wife to wrap everything as well as identify for whom each of these gifts is intended. I don't want to bring the big gavel down on your mom.

I love your mom. She's great. So Jesse's mom? Yeah. You got to wrap those presents or at least let Jesse know what they're for. Send an email after you order the thing letting Jesse know what he's got to expect. So Jennifer Marmer, if you got that iPad box, that would make you confused but not excited. And you would feel relief when you saw that it was a knitted hat and not disappointment that you didn't get a delightful iPad.

I think so. I have a little anecdote that I'd like to tell. It just happened the past couple of days. Great. I received, can you believe this? I received a large box from Apple. I had not ordered anything. I opened it up.

There was a tall box inside, a beautiful gift box about the size of a bottle of wine. wine and then another box another beautiful gift box that was sort of about the size of a a couple of bricks i had no idea what this was there's a little card inside from apple plus television a company i do no business with saying this is for you we're thinking of you these holidays. Isn't that nice? Very nice. Really lovely. I want to say thank you. I would love to make a television show with you. Hint, hint, Apple Plus, your gift worked out.

So I opened the tall thing. This bottle looks like a bottle of wine. Guess what it is? Bottle of wine. It's nice. Nice bottle of wine. That's all that's needed. But here's this mystery box about the size of, say, a brand new Apple TV.

And I'm thinking to myself, what's in this beautiful box? At that point, John, you only had the Apple TV minus. It's not like I wanted it. But it's like I do have a distinct hope that what's in this box is a 10-year contract for making more Apple commercials. Please. That's all I really want. Oh, Apple Plus TV, I've got a pitch for you. You know how they just did that play on Broadway where they just had the actors playing Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw from Jaws talking about Jaws behind the scenes at Jaws?

Me and Justin can do that. We'll just do it like behind the scenes. At Jaws? Look, I got ideas. It's just like behind the scenes. What happened when the cameras weren't rolling on the Apple apps? You play Roy Scheider? No, I play me.

No. All right, I'll play Roy Scheider. I don't care what it takes. I'm in wardrobe wardrobe as they say justin could be a handsome richard dreyfus he's no offense to richard dreyfus you should see you should see the makeup they had him in for the goosebumps thing that he just made but i'm talking about me here for a second i opened the box and it's it's not a contract for 10 years more apple commercials sadly and i'm a little disappointed it's but you

know what it is is a beautiful wine coaster a bottle of wine it was just a really nice gift but there was an element of confusion oh henry twist my wife was a whole human being in her own right looks at that box and goes i'm gonna need that box because I've been looking for a box to put this bunny lamp in to give to my mother. Wow. But people out there, you need to be considerate of what your gift is advertising when you are sending it. Jesse, you mentioned that you had a solution for this

and I bet it's a good one. What's your solution for Elliot's problem? I'm not a crafty person. Jennifer, you're somewhat more crafty than me, although I wouldn't identify you as... You're the number one crafty person among the three of us. I say somewhat is the perfect description there. You're an enthusiastic baker.

I would say number one of the domestic skills. Baking is the one about which I've seen you be most passionate. But I think you're capable of making things in a way that I am not. I have gone on record as saying that truly my worst nightmare, indeed my, like, waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night

because I didn't prepare for the test, is being asked to make a diorama. Just even the word is upsetting to hear. But even I, no comedian Sarah Schaefer, when it comes to craft and art. Extraordinary. Even I can say that I think I have a craft-based solution to this. One word, decoupage. Oh.

decoupage. Oh. Start with the Apple box and some white glue and a few cool magazines or newspapers and you've got, you've not only solved the

Apple box problem, you've also solved the wrapping problem. Oh. I love this. I'm going to big gavel on that. That's a great solution. And by the way, Elliot, your mom's wrong. That's the gift you always wanted for the holidays.

Jesse, cocktail hour is almost over, but there is one more thing that you wanted to try. You specifically wanted to try, even though you don't drink alcohol, you wanted to try, you specifically wanted to try, even though you don't drink alcohol, you wanted to try this cocktail. That's absolutely right.

We got this in a message from Carly on the Judge John Hodgman Instagram, at Judge John Hodgman. Carly wrote to us, at a Thanksgiving gathering last weekend, a friend of a friend iced my mulled wine and poured Sprite over it. Wow. I'll say this. I'm not a drinker. Right. But, you know, I've taken communion at church. I've had some champagne and certainly I've had Sprite before. Right. I always think that mulled wine smells nice. It is. It's got that grapey, mustardy smell of Christmas. It fills up the whole house. And I love mulled cider. This is sort of like a red wine spritzer.

Yeah. But mulled wine, what you're doing is you simmer red wine, and they recommend a fruity red wine, like Zweigelt. Fruity red wine with a little bit of orange juice and orange peel and some cloves and some cardamom and some cinnamon and then also some brandy. Now look, let's just say anyone who's writing a recipe for mulled wine on the internet, on let's say in the New York Times cooking,

don't tell me to put a liter of red wine in when red wine only comes in bottles of 750 milliliters. You're causing me a lot of problem there. Again, I'm not going to make a three quarters recipe, but I did have brandy. I put a little Armagnac, which is an apple brandy. And I also put in a little dry Curacao, which unlike blue curacao is really sweet. Dry curacao is a more, it was developed by David Wondrich, the cocktail maven, and a friend of mine in the podcast,

to be a drier, orangey brandy. And I think the mulled wine portion of this came out really nicely. I tried it and I'm not normally a fan, but I like it. I'm not normally a fan of wine, but I like this a lot. So I'm going to go grab my now chilled mulled wine, or what we call chilled wine. So I'm going to taste this chilled wine first. I've just poured it a little out of a Yeti thermos.

Yeti sponsored by Judge John Hodgman. Because it's supposed to be served warm. I'm going to try it cold. And then I'm going to Sprite's it up. You know what? It tastes great cold. I may even like this cold better than I like it hot. Kind of like a wintry sangria.

Yeah, it's great. Now, on the original Holiday Office Party taste test, we also added Sprite to eggnog, and that was no good. So I'm a little dubious about adding Sprite to this. But how much did you add, Jesse? I see you're ready to go. Jennifer prepared this for me. She's something of a mixologist. Yeah, it's one of my other hobbies.

Not a ton. Just enough to make it a spritz. Okay. You know? So, like, not half and half. Two-thirds, one-third, maybe? One-third. All right.

Yeah, that's what I'd say. Cheers. Let's try it. Yeah, I don't mind that at all. For once, Sprite didn't ruin something. There's an element to it that I often share with my wife when I try her mixed drinks. It about 65% just tastes like alcohol.

No matter what it is, alcohol is very strong. I know it's supposed to carry flavors and so forth and it does, but anything alcoholic tastes like booze to me. But I have to say, this is a pretty nice drink. I'm getting some apple cheeks off of this. I'm getting some, you know, and you can hear the little jingle bells in my cup. So festive.

I would say that I like this a lot, and I'd serve it at a cocktail party. Oh, John, I just heard the slow cooker alarm. That means that our first appetizer is ready. Cocktail hour is over. We're going to take a quick break. When we come back, some truly alarming cocktail weenies. We'll be back in just a second on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join and you can join them by going to maximum fun.org slash join the judge john hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at made in jesse you've heard of

tom calicchio the famous chef right yeah from uh the restaurant uh craft and uh did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs. They're made in, made in. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real

professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit MadeInCookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N-Cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel.

Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. And you get to hear the sound.

It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman.

Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're having our holiday party and it's now appetizer time. Appetizer time. All right, Jesse, do you remember back a little while ago in our condiment crimes episode with Nick Weiger and Amelia from the Doughboys when someone's we learned about someone's grandma who who who put grape jelly on her pepperoni pizza? Yeah, I do remember that.

Two great tastes that go together. Yeah. Two great tastes that go together. This is pepperoni grape. Do you know what also goes great with grape jelly? Yeah, obviously a little hot dog, little hot dogs. That's right. Natalie wrote in from Pennsylvania that this quote, this one is a staple at my parents' house for Christmas or New Year's cocktail weenies in jelly slash mustard sauce. Combine one part mustard to three parts grape

jelly and cook the cocktail sausages in the sauce in a slow cooker part mustard to three parts grape jelly and cook the cocktail sausages in the sauce in a slow cooker for two to three hours. Yeah. That's how long you cook things in slow cookers, John. Oh, sure. Especially things like,

uh, you know, cocktails, uh, wieners, which are already cooked. You want to meld the flavors. Also,

I think it thickens it up. There's something that definitely happened now i had to simmer mine because i don't have a slow cooker but i simmered it on slow for about two hours first of all i used coleman's hot english mustard because i had some leftover which i like and i also used but i used like an organic like nature's promise concord grape spread probably you should be putting in like classic smuckers or welches or really purple grape jelly probably that's what is originally called for in natalie's family and also because if it's purple and yellow, maybe it turns to different color than what I got out of this natural organic jelly garbage. Because what I got is not, it's, you don't, I have a, there's a photo of it available on the show page and an Instagram of what I got appropriately plated on a Dixie plate.

And it, and it is, does not look like three cocktail weenies. Let me put it that way. This stuff is brown and is does not look like three cocktail weenies let me put it that way this stuff is brown and it does not look good what what ingredients did you use there over at max fun central we used well we used beef cocktail weenies um because i just grabbed them because i was at um the store with a person who does uh finger painting. And he was not happy to be there. So I just grabbed them and then realized later that they were beef. That's okay. That's nice because that means you don't eat pork. So it's nice that you can partake. Exactly. So it was a happy accident.

Jennifer, how disappointed you would have been if you hadn't had the opportunity to taste these cocktail weenies. I would have been disappointed. And we used, let's see, Heinz yellow mustard, because that's what I had at my house. Yeah, that's good. It's a good mustard. I'm going to say it right now, and this is going to be very controversial,

and this is just me talking. Yeah. No one should get angry at Jennifer or Jesse on this. Heinz yellow mustard? Better than French's. Whoa. Yeah. I was a little worried that I was going to get a little flack for not having French's because Heinz, I mean.

It's better. Okay, good. I'm not a huge mustard head, so I'm glad. Top ketchup, top mustard. Sorry. Sorry, French's. I'm not a huge mustard head, so I'm glad. Top ketchup, top mustard. Sorry. Sorry, Frenchies. I'm on record. The best mustard is the one that comes in a glass mug that looks like a beer barrel.

That's very good mustard, too. Jesse is on record. Listen to Condiment Crimes if you haven't. It's a great episode. Yes. Of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Love those barrel mugs. Sounds cool.

All right. But I interrupted you, Jennifer. So Heinz yellow mustard and grape jelly. Yeah, the grape jelly. I can't remember. I just grabbed a jar that seemed reasonable. I almost got the smuckers that you can just squeeze out of the thing. But then I was like, no, thanks.

So I think it was maybe Vaughn's signature select or whatever. Oh, that's the best one they have there at Vaughn's. It's their signature. Mr. Vaughn signed that himself. I select this one. Don Vaughn's. So yeah, that's what we did. And I borrowed a slow or I borrowed an instant pot from my neighbor upstairs that has a slow cooker function on it. Shout out to Sean and Megan. Good job. Who I don't know if they even listen to this show, but shout out anyway, they rule. And yeah, I was talking to my husband about it. He goes, so what are you making for this year's holiday party? And I told him, I was like, oh, so these cocktail weenies with a sauce that's made out of grape jelly and mustard. And he goes, oh yeah, I know those weenies.

Really? He knows those weenies? He knows those weenies. He knows those weenies. He goes, yeah, that's a popular tailgate item. He's from the Midwest. I was genuinely wondering whether Natalie was pranking us with this. Nope. But it's a real thing. It's a real thing.

How about that? Okay. Yeah. And how did yours come out? It is brown. Yes. Yeah, about the same. I think yours looks a little smoother than mine like i mean but this is not something you want like get us but i don't think the point of it is to look appealing yeah this is what it they look like they're in barbecue sauce yeah i think

we've in many ways created a an under seasonedseasoned barbecue sauce here, right? Maybe it's because we're across the country from each other, but I mean, honestly, come on. You know what this looks like. Yeah, it looks like cocktail weenies and barbecue sauce, John. Yeah. All right. We've danced around this long enough. Let's give it a try. We're going to do our best not to eat on microphone, but if you're seriously misophonic, apologies in advance. I guess I got to get some more sauce on here because what I'm just tasting is little smokies, which are great. I have no problem with that little cocktail, Franks. I don't hate it. I'm going to say this. I tasted the spoon as I

was warming these up because Jennifer May, the Min in her slow cooker, brought them into the office, I warmed them up on the stove. I thought in advance, this is probably just going to be sweet from the grape jelly, and you won't even notice the grapiness, and it'll just taste like they're in barbecue sauce or baked bean sauce kind of deal. And when I tasted that spoon,

I thought, uh-oh, this really tastes like grape jelly. Yeah, it's giving a lot of grape. And when I tasted that spoon, I thought, oh, this really tastes like grape jelly. It's giving a lot of grape. I said to myself, oh, no, I said. But when I ate these little smokies, you know what I did after I put the first one in my mouth and chewed it up? What's that? I put a second in my mouth and chewed it up. Oh. I enjoyed this very much. Let me say, I was expecting to really dislike this. And sometimes dreams come true. I think that I overthought it. I think maybe that Coleman's hot English mustard, which is one of my favorite mustards, maybe that wasn't the right thing.

I feel like I should have just gone with straight up grape jelly. I shouldn't have tried to banmaman it or anything fancy because something's not working right here. And honestly, it may simply be the fact that when I was a kid, I went to the dentist, I would get fluoride treatments and it was always grape flavor. And I hate grape flavor now. I don't like grape soda and I don't like any of that. And it is giving a lot of grapes.

So it's not for me. I have this question. Are your all beef little smokies, weenies, whatever you want to call them, are they tender? Mine are pretty tender. Pretty tender? Mine are a little tough.

Tender and mild. Tender and mild? Yeah. All right. I mean, we've got a lot more show, but should we just end it there? We're going to need a few kings to come in here and confirm that, Jen. Yeah. Wow.

That was the gift of the Magi right there. That was my gift, making you laugh. It's always a joy when that happens for me. Jennifer, I just have to say, I'm really impressed that as a Jew, you were able to come up with that. That was good. That was really good work. I'd expect that from a Gentile like John Hodgman, but I was never going to get there.

Point is, my weenies are tough. My sauce is brown and it's too grapey for me. I'm not going to eat a third. Jesse, you should continue to enjoy them. I'm just glad I didn't make the whole package of cocktail franks so I can save the rest for where they belong, in blankets. Do we have another dispute before we go on to our next thing? Here's a gift-related dispute from Kim in South Florida.

When the holidays come around, I prefer people to just tell me what they want so I can get it for them. That way, nobody wastes time or effort blindly guessing the perfect gift. But my partner wants to be surprised. He gets downcast anytime I ask him what he wants, even though we've both guessed before and missed the mark. Who's right? Okay. Gift giving.

Any time of year. Do you ask the person what they want or do you figure it out and give them something that maybe they didn't even realize they wanted? Jesse, Jennifer, what do you think? In my family, the neurodivergence of my children has determined a new course in our gift giving the last few years, which is everyone knows exactly what they're getting. And the reason for that is simply that we had to lower the stakes on Christmas because it was leading to two weeks of intense dysregulation that we just couldn't deal with. Yeah, sure. Sure. But in a broader sense, I don't think there's anything wrong with telling someone something that you might like or asking someone what they might like if you don't have a good idea.

I think that's fine. But my personal feeling about it is that a significant part of gift giving is to give someone something that they would not get for themselves. And that that element of surprise is central. I mean, I think there are situations like with children where if there's something that the person wants, they have different resources than you do and can't get it for themselves. But if it's something that I could just get for myself, then I should just get it for myself. Why have someone else get it for me? My kids don't have Lyle Lovett's email address, for example.

Yeah. One of the many resources that I have. That's why they can't send him the bolo ties that he asked for. I was just saying, now that I think about it, an email from Lyle Lovett is one of the perfect gifts. I'm dropping a, I'm dropping a hint to the world and the universe. Jennifer,

you want to weigh in? Sure. Yeah. I, my mother-in-law is very big on getting a list before the holidays. What does everybody want? It was always that way for my husband and his brother growing up. And that is not a way that my family functioned. You know, like I would ask my mom, like, oh, some of my friends do make lists for their parents. And my mom was like, well,

what's the fun in that? There's no surprise there. You know, how did that work out for you? Were you getting things from your mom that you liked? And yes, over, you know, we celebrated Hanukkah. And as a kid, I would roll my eyes at like the night that I would get like socks and pajamas or something like that. But as I've grown up, like I've really come to appreciate that. And it's fun. And and then, you know, there were other more fun gifts. Because in the in the Hanukkah gift giving tradition, there are some nights that are sock nights and then there are some nights that are sort of more. Like, you know, CD player night or whatever. CD player night is what I was going to say. And there are some nights that are like a Kai CD player nights and then there are some nights that are like Akai CD player nights. And then there are some nights that are like Sony Sports CD player nights.

Right. Right. What makes this night unlike any other? It's a Denon CD players this time. By the way, I know that's not the same holiday. I'm ringing out the big gavel case by case. I'm ringing out the big gavel case by case. Obviously, there are situations where, like, as your kids get older, do you know what I mean?

Your mother-in-law, for example, is going to really rely on you, Jennifer, to give her some ideas of what they're into and what's age appropriate or or else you know grandparents are just going to be sending sides of baked salmon or whatever what grandparents like at the same time though you if you are let's say a grandparent and you don't know what your grandchildren are up to one approach would be to get to know your grandchildren and or talk to their parents and say, what are they into? And then try to come up with something on your own before you go simply to just tell me what to buy. On the other hand, there may only be the answer that you just need to tell the person what they want to buy. Or if you're in a partnership and there's something you really want and you don't want to buy it for yourself for whatever reason, that's when you say to your wife or partner or whatever, whole human being, your own right to do life, I really want some of those made-in entree bowls.

If anyone's thinking of something for me for the holidays, let them think of made in entree bowls and maybe say that, you know, in April and reinforce it month after month. The rule of thumb is try to get gift giving away as far away from transaction as you can. It's an expression of generosity, not just a checking off of a list. If you find yourself just in a checking off of a list mode, take a beat and rethink about how you're doing it. And Kim, by the way,

if you really want to surprise your partner, give them a, a wine coaster and an iPad box surprise. No more weenie talk, no more gift talk. It's time for five cup salad. Kenny, our listener Kenny writes, quote, please eat this. It was my granny's recipe. Everyone in my Kentucky hometown loves it so much. When granny died, they fought over who got the original recipe card, which, as you will see, is pointless because you will never forget what each of the five cups are. Jesse, please read out the five cups.

Cup one, canned pineapple, drained. Cup two, canned oranges, drained. Cup three, sweetened, shredded coconut. Cup four, mini multicolored marshmallows. Cup 5. Sour cream. Yes, no one saw the sour cream coming. This is what you do. You just mix it all up. Kenny writes, this is a real recipe. Check the internet.

You'd think it would be Cool Whip or something. Yeah, you would think. I did check the internet to fact check this because I also was expecting it to be kind of a cool, whippy ambrosia salad or whatever. And the Internet told me something that Kenny didn't bother to tell me. I'm glad I checked because once you mix all the five cups of ingredients together, you're supposed to refrigerate it five to six hours at a minimum. And sometimes it's referred to as 24 hour salad. And I mine has been going for 20. Mine has it's referred to as 24 hour salad. And I, mine has been going for 20. Mine has been congealing for 24 hours. I don't know about you too. How long has your

five cup salad been in the fridge? Jennifer Marmer. Definitely over 12 hours. That seems like enough hours. Yeah. I mean, over 12 for sure. Now we'll post pictures of this, but Kenny describes it as looking like moon poop. And I see where he's coming from with this. Yeah. It's like a multicolored cloud of unicorn vomit. And I don't know what it tastes like. You all don't know what it tastes like. Kenny has no idea what it tastes like. He's never had it before. He he says i want you to tell me what it tastes like so let's try it john did yours have were you able to track down the mini multi-color marshmallows of course i was why were you not able to no they didn't have them at the store i looked at two stores for marmer you are you are the one who introduced the term Marbits to, to my orbit marshmallow bits.

And I mean, at the very least you could have kindly opened up a box of lucky charms and just picked out the marshmallows with tweezers. Cause I think that's what they're going for here. But no, I had to go, I had to go online to get them i mean there are there are store brands of of this but you have it's you know it's gotta have it's gotta be a pretty big box uh grocery store with a very extensive uh baking area so you did not get the multicolored

marshmallows so you do not get the moon poop experience. So I'm going to reveal to you for the first time what mine looks like. And here it comes. Are you ready for this? It's dazzling. Oh, my God. Yours looks way cooler than ours. Way better. And people will note that I'm serving it on an Amy Sedaris branded I like you plate.

Oh, that's perfect. Tie in from a promotional item for her book. I like you because I was thinking, Iin from a promotional item for her book i like you because i was thinking i don't know if amy sedaris a treasure to the whole world by the way i don't know if she would like to eat five cup salad but i think she'd be interested in it i think she'd be curious amy sedaris of course the stars of dicktown season two still on hulu. Tell Taylor Swift, watch it. Given that it's the holidays, I would suggest that what it makes me think of is something that the

claymation Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer left behind. Yeah. I think that's possible. I'm going to try. Show me yours. That just looks like a bad potato salad. I'm not a big marshmallow person.

But for this, I think you absolutely do need to have the multicolored marshmallows. You're going to get the same taste sensation, but you understand. You eat first with your eyes. Of course. Hello. This is an edited version of Judge John Hodgman stepping in to cover for the period of time when we were all eating the moon poop so that you don't have to listen to us chewing. All right. I believe we're all done.

I will step away and regular John Hodgman will be back. Well, I've just finished eating the moon poop. Verdicts? I'm not a big coconut head, I should say. This was the one that I was dreading trying the most. That's a deal breaker. The texture is particularly coconutty. The flavor is only marginally coconutty because of all the other stuff going on.

But the texture is very coconutty because of the shreds. Did you use the sweetened shreds or the unsweetened shreds? Yes, that's what the recipe called for. I was concerned there might not be enough sweet in here. Right. When you have marshmallows, mandarin orange slices, pineapple chunks, you need to have the sweetened coconut as well to offset the savory of the sour cream. I was looking forward to this one. To me, if you're talking about regional American foodways that will destroy your body, Southern food is the way to go. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Every Southern food

that will destroy your body is absolutely worth it. Your Midwestern foods that will destroy your body, your cool-wimped casseroles and so forth, those foods are less consistently, those kind of better crockery foods, less consistently appealing to me. However, I will say this. I looked at this ingredient list and this was sent into us from Kentucky, which is sort of the dividing line between the South and the Midwest. But I think that this recipe falls squarely into the Cool Whip Casserole Midwestern category. But I'll say, I looked at this ingredient list and I thought, I like those things. I'll probably be into that. Having tasted it, I wouldn't kick it out of bed as they say, but to me, it is just a canonical definitional, not worth it food. If I'm going to eat a pile of

candy and cream, there are so many things I would rather eat. There was no way in this multiverse that I was going to like this because everyone knows I don't have a big fondness for sweets. And this is all sweets. But it reminds me of an anecdote my old friend Amy Radford told about working in a restaurant in cape cod what if one of the customers asks us if we use real butter in whatever and the head chef said it's not real butter i'm not going to do a boston accent you have to imagine it that way it's not real butter tell them we use whirl it's a butter substitute and it's goddamn delicious as is this pudding or whatever it is this salad i love it i love it i took two bites and i just wanted to keep eating it i'm gonna have another bite now turn it down this is you

know this is if you have misophonia turn it down because i'm not gonna hold back holy mackerel this is the last thing i expected i am gobsmacked i'm not gonna say what american elections surprised me to this extent i am not doing this for drama i'm doing this because it's true. This is the kind of thing that you don't admit to a pollster. But then when you get into that private booth, Judge John Hotren punches yes for five cup salad. Eat a whole bowl of five cup salad. I got here to my office.

I chilled it overnight. I brought it over to my office, put it in the fridge, and then I scooped it out onto this Amy Sedaris. I like you plate a small amount. There was a lot left over and I took the Saran wrap off that thing. And I'm like, Oh, I better keep this because, uh, I might, I might recover this and bring it home. And I was like, no, I'm throwing out the Saran wrap. Because this is going in the garbage. Now I've got to fish that saran wrap out of the garbage and save it. I want my whole family to eat this. And I guess the thing is, you've got to get the right marshmallows.

That's the key. It's a feast for the eyes. There's no question about that. What I should have realized was, with the pineapple and the coconut, I like those things. And pineapple is one of the only fruits that I like. So there was going to be a pina colada element to this. Right. And the marshmallows I got, I don't remember the brand, but I got them on an online retailer.

It's a pound of them. And as it happens, they were dehydrated marshmallows. If you want to have exactly what I had, I'll list all of the detailed brand names on the Instagram and on the show page. Let's take another break. When we come back, Bacon enters the chat.

And Bacon enters the chat in a way that you will struggle to wrap your mind around plus more mustard an update on a dollhouse and pam from seattle's new secret beverage we'll be right back on the judge john hodgman podcast Hello teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice

but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls! Thank you. And remember, you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit.

No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. from MaximumFun.org.

If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, we're taking a break from our holiday party. I want to start by reminding everyone in Northern California and the San Francisco Bay Area that we are headed back

to SF Sketch Fest. Yeah, that's right. January 27th, Saturday at 4 p.m. at the Palace of Fine Arts there by the beautiful lagoon. We're going to be doling out judgment to you. And obviously it's an all ages show. So we're dads. Bring your bring your only children and interesting tweens. Everyone go to get your tickets at bit.ly slash JJHOSF24 or just go SF go sfsketchfest.com, sfsketchfest.com. We are getting some cases in now, but we will need your cases to hear.

If you want to come to the show and have your case be considered for adjudication live on stage, go to maximumfund.org slash J-J-H-O as always. If you have a problem with my mom, she's going to be there. That's maximumfund.org slash J-J-H-O. Just let us know that you'll be at the show. We also have the Van Freaks Roadshow finale stream, right, Jesse? That's something we're really, really proud of. It is a film we made of our final show in the Van Freaks Roadshow tour in Brooklyn, New York City.

It is really gorgeous to watch. Like, I really, I watched it when it live streamed. We hosted a live watch party, and I'm really so thrilled at how beautiful it looks and how great it sounds. And it is a really fun show with some great holiday disputes and two giant Richard Kynes

and our friend Nico Lowry from the Antiques Roadshow wearing a classic Nico Lowry outfit. Just some of the grandest windowpane tweed you'll ever see in your life. Go to vanfreaksroadshow.com and you can get yourself a ticket, watch it with your family over this special holiday quiet week. I mean, honestly, terrific last minute gift ideas for you. SFSketchFest.com, VanFreaksRoadshow.com. I'll tell you something, though, about gifts. I received a couple of gifts this year that are better than anything.

One, of course, is spending so much time with my friend Jesse and Jennifer and all of our Judge John Hodgman friends on the podcast and on the road. Also, the other day I went to Shopson's and I was chatting with Zach Shopson and then he went back into the kitchen and Roxy, who was my server, came over and said, she said, Zach just told me never rush Hodgman out of here, even if we're busy, because I just like it when he's around. Oh my gosh. That was such a special gift. And then I got this letter literally overnight today, like 1257 AM this morning, I woke up to this letter and I wanted to share it with you. It's from a listener named Katie. I'm sending you this email here at the end of 2023 because the Judge John Hodgman podcast was a key part of getting me through the

year. And I think whenever people create something that brings you joy, you should say thank you. It's good. Good policy. Okay. It goes on. I started listening because the algorithm wouldn't shut up about you. I kept getting ads for your Portland, Oregon show because I live across the river in Washington state and I was on the hunt for new podcasts. So I decided to check it out and I was immediately hooked. Now then Katie goes on to describe some difficulties and personal losses that I won't get into because they're difficult and personal, et cetera. And so Katie goes on to write, it may sound silly, but finding the podcast was the bomb I needed when things are bad. but finding the podcast was the balm I needed.

When things are bad, it's really lovely to hear a petty, low-stakes squabble. I listened to over nine years of J.J. Ho in nine months, finally catching up on October 1st, and October 2nd, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. In a way, you, Jesse, Jennifer, Monty, Joel, Gene, Valerie, you are all hanging out with me this year, holding my hand in these months of terror, helping me stay grounded with laughter

and reminders that there is still beauty in the little moments and our relationships with others. So thank you, thank you for the lovely, heartwarming, hilarious, and thoughtful show and the community that you've built around it. In a world that all too often is bleak and dark,

it truly is a bright light. You are all better than a gallon of scallops, Katie. And, you know, that last line really hit me because, you know, there are candles in most of the celebrations of these year-end holidays, and they're there for a reason because all of these holidays tend to correspond with the winter solstice, the longest night of the year. And it's a time at the end of a completely made up idea of year. And a year, of course, is a completely made up idea, but darkness is not. We experience it. We're experiencing it now, literal and figurative, and it gets dark at 4 30 in the afternoon and it is hard to remember when

it gets light again and that's why these holidays kindle literal lights against the darkness and um i was just really touched by that letter and uh i wanted to thank all the listeners the end bye sorry didn't mean to get choked up but i just really wanted to thank you all for keeping us company. Bye. Let's get back to the docket. Unless you want to tell them, unless you want to tell them, become a member of Maximum Fund. That would be, that would be fine.

Jesse, that'll, that'll get me out of this. Turn it into pure transaction, please. Become a member of Maximum Fund at MaximumFund.org. Thank God or whatever. I met a dude named Eric at the flea market with whom I had a very similar interaction. I was very grateful for it. So thanks, Eric. And thanks to all of the folks out there who share these experiences with us and tell us that our work is meaningful. It means a lot to us.

Let's get back to goofing around. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. It's our office holiday party. That's right. We are trying favorite holiday drinks and appetizers submitted by you, the listeners, and also, let's say, debatable salads. And we've been having a very good time. But what else is going on, Jesse? Well, while we've been having our party, there's been another party going on in parallel at Martha and Doug's house. Do you remember Martha and Doug, John? Doug, retired high school teacher who couldn't get over the fact that COVID canceled his swan song high school production of the musical Matilda. Yes, of course. He also had a project, right? Yeah. He had been building a

dollhouse for Martha for 30 years, three decades, 30 year dollhouse project. And my memory serves, he was building it as a present for Martha. What was it, Jennifer Marmer? Was it a wedding present? It was a Christmas present. A Christmas present. Oh, well, this is very appropriate. Well, you know what the best present you can give someone is? A deadline. That's why I told Doug to get it done by Christmas. Stop messing around with the dollhouse. Get it done.

And apparently, Doug did it. And now we have some audio from the dollhouse's unveiling at their Christmas party, which just occurred. Jennifer Marmer, will you play the tape, please? Doug, you know, people are here. They're waiting. It's been 35 years. So what would you like to tell us? I don't think they've been waiting as long as you have.

What would you like to tell us about what you have here? What I have here is a dollhouse that, as Martha explained, has been built since the last 35 years. But I finally finished it, and I'm gonna unveil the inside. So here's the inside of the dollhouse. Holy cow! Oh, my! Anybody know how to turn off a light switch in that place?

No! I am very appreciative of Judge John Hodgman, who is not here today, but I am appreciative of him getting me to do this. And I've worked on it for three months, plus the 35 years, and finally completed it. So I feel very, very satisfied. I would like to invite everybody to join me in making a toast to Doug. The libation that we're toasting with is the traditional Judge John Hodgman holiday libation of choice, eggnog and orange soda.

Cheers to Doug! Thank you. All right. Congratulations to Doug and Martha. It's a beautiful dollhouse. You can see photos of it and video of the unveiling on the Maximum Fun website, the page for this episode of Judge John Hodgman,

and on our Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Jesse, it's time for the entrees, the main course. But before we start hearing about them, do we have another holiday dispute? This one comes to us from Tony in Rochester. I have beef with my brother, Mike. When we go home for the holidays, it's a full house. Our parents, our sister, Mike's partner, my own wife, and our toddler. Mike doesn't want our daughter sleeping upstairs in the room next to his. Her crying upsets his sleep, but he also

doesn't want to sleep downstairs on the air mattress because we get up early, which also upsets his sleep. I think Mike should be a grownup. I think Mike should be a grownup and sleep on the air mattress at his parents' house. Well, obviously what Tony's saying is Mike should be a grownup and stop whining and accept there's a little kid in this house, a little, a little nibbling, as they say. And that's going to be disruptive. I don't know. Are either of you going to visit family for the holidays of any kind? Yes, we are going to my in-laws in Tucson over Christmas.

This episode is obviously coming out after Christmas, but we have not hit Christmas yet. Tucson. Let's do a show at the Rialto Theater, Jesse, because I want to be able to breathe again. Best breathing I've ever breathed. Local promoters, contact CAA. This asthmatic gives 100 out of 5 stars to the low humidity atmosphere of the desert of Tucson. I loved it. So does this frizzy haired person.

Yeah, right? Much better for my hair looking normal. And you've got a couple little kids, a baby and not a toddler. No, he's like a kid kid now. A kid kid now. And what's the sleeping arrangement going to be? Do you know?

So they have two guest rooms, which is pretty helpful. It's a three bedroom house. So presumably the kids would sleep in one room and my husband and I will sleep in another. What I'm guessing will happen

is that I will end up in the room with our four year old because he's very attached to me at the moment so we'll see how it goes um but you don't have there's not it's it's that's the whole compound is full of just your family and the parental units right um Shane my husband's brother lives in Tucson as well so they have their own home that they are in. Let me give you some more detail so that we can decide where Mike is going to sleep this holiday season. By now, it may be too late. But this is going to be a binding ruling for all holidays going forward.

So I got the impression, because we had to edit this for some length. because we had to edit this for some length. But when Tony is saying that Mike doesn't want our daughter sleeping upstairs in the room next to his, that is to say Mike and his partner are sleeping in what was once Mike's old room. Also, Mike's partner does not like to sleep on the air mattress because they don't find it comfortable. So both things are going to

cause difficulty for Mike and Mike's partner. Where should Mike sleep? There's no solution to this where Mike doesn't have to eat it. And I think that that is central to this question. Like what I am hearing here is that I don't I don't think Mike's issues or concerns are unreasonable ones. I think those do sound like inconveniences. I don't want to sleep on an air mattress and I don't want a child to wake me up. But I don't see a solution where both of those issues are solved, even with other people suffering for Mike's sake. And I think Mike is just going to have to accept that his choices are eating it or paying for a place to stay. Exactly. Yeah. Or getting some good earplugs. I sleep with earplugs because my children wake me up and the continuity of my sleep is important to my migraine regulation.

And it does help a lot. There is a solution where Mike doesn't have to eat it, though. Which is that Tony and his wife and the toddler all sleep downstairs. And Mike gets his cozy sanctum of his old room with his old Omni, his old Omni magazine poster above his twin racing car bed or whatever else he's got going on in there. I appreciate, though, that this is not just Mike crying about the crying. have a child and Mike is feeling edged out of his own home by this child, by this huge life change that Tony and his wife have are enjoying, I hope, with their new child and have put upon the rest of the family. Maybe Mike just feels like there's no place for me in this house. In which case, I absolutely agree with you, Jesse, that if it's within their means that Mike and his partner should go find and enjoy being child free and go get a hotel room, go get a room.

And maybe if it's not exactly within their means, then maybe Tony, one nice holiday gift to Mike is, hey, I know this really bugs you a lot. Let me get let me pitch in or give you a really nice room at a hotel nearby, and then you don't have to worry about it. And you can have a spa day or go down to the post stamp size pool they have next to the courtyard or whatever it is. Or for that matter, stay with a friend, rent a spare room from someone else on a home sharing website. Yeah. But Mike, let me tell you, the solution is not get the child a room at a hotel. That's not legal. You can't get a single child a room at a hotel,

no matter what you read in Eloise. Not allowed. Okay. Jesse, do you still have your mustard handy? Yeah, there's mustard here. All right. This one comes from Joe in New Berlin, Illinois. Joe writes, quote, As a kid, my dad would always make us the same holiday breakfast, a bacon, peanut butter and mustard sandwich. Wow. Specifically crunchy peanut butter, which you have to put on the toast when it's still warm so it gets nice and melty, drizzled with yellow mustard. Joe goes on to say, quote,

this sandwich has been questioned many times, but all who have tried it have enjoyed it, except for Brad. I don't know who Brad is, but I guess we're going to find out if we're a Joe or a Brad in this situation. Did you make this one? We're about to put it together right now.

Let's zoom through time as we assemble mustard, bacon, and peanut butter sandwich. As they say in Wayne's World, the sandwiches have been made nice and toasty, nice and nutty, bacony, etc. John, what are your initial impressions? bacony, et cetera. John, what are your initial impressions? I've been, well, my initial impressions are that my head is exploding from the amount of sugar that I just ate in that five cup salad.

I really want something that's not sugar. Shall we all take our munches? Jennifer, you have one with turkey bacon there. Yes, I do. All right, here we go. Oh, hi, it's me again. ASMR John covering for

Misophonia, John, Jen, and Jesse. I'm just speaking to the mic softly for you now so that your ears are not disturbed by

the sound of the chewing and the munching of the peanut butter bacon. I've done my chewing and munching. And now Jesse has done his chewing and munching. Jennifer Marmer has also completed her sandwich. I now bring you back to regular Judge John Hodgman. And we're back.

Whatever. Tell me what you think. Jennifer. The mustard adds a tang that I don't know that I need, but I didn't hate in the way that I really thought I was going to. So your problem was bacon plus mustard, not bacon plus peanut butter? Because I love mustard on a BLT. Whoa, that's the biggest jaw drop since I liked five cup salad. Mustard on a BLT? Jesse Thorne, what an insult to mayonnaise. I put mayonnaise on there too, don't worry.

I know that people put like bacon on burgers and mustard on burgers. Like it all makes sense. But I think just. But they don't put peanut butter on burgers. No. But there was something about the peanut butter plus bacon that read to me as like a sweet and savory, like when people added bacon to everything in the, let's say the aughts. Yeah, the aughts. The aughts was a very bacon-y decade.

Yeah, it was a very bacon-forward time. So like I'm used to bacon and things was a very bacon-y decade. Yeah, it was a very bacon-forward time. So like, I'm used to bacon and things that... Where bacon doesn't belong. Yeah. The mustard was the weird one for me. I'm sensing this is 100% no for you, Jesse. I, too, need food in my stomach to go with the sheer volume of orange soda, eggnog, and five cup salad that's in there. Don't give me all the parfait layers of what we put into our bodies today. And so I may take a few more bites. I also don't feel like walking over to the taco truck and spending money on lunch today after what I've eaten.

But yeah, this is a bad sandwich. Well, people like what they like. And so no one's ever wrong except for Jesse in this case, because this is a perfect sandwich. I've never had this before and I liked it. Wow. I thought it all went pretty good together. I agree with, I mean, obviously, Jesse, you're not wrong. It wasn't for you.

That's fine. And to me, I love peanut butter and I love bacon and I love mustard. And I was thinking to myself as I was assembling the sandwich, am I wasting this peanut butter and this bacon? Like, I could be eating these things separately and really having quite an afternoon for myself. Am I wasting it by putting it together? quite an afternoon for myself. Am I wasting it by putting it together? But I found the combination,

the double savory of those two things, plus the smokiness with the peanut butter, the smokiness of the bacon with the peanut butter, rather worked for me. I think mustard does not need to be at this party. I think that mustard is an uninvited guest who is pretty much inoffensive. But maybe if the mustard had more oomph, it would be adding more. But right now, it's just a little bit of a tang. There's one thing that's missing from the sandwich. And I am very confident that a number of judge John Hodgman listeners right now have been yelling at their smart speakers and their car speakers about

this missing ingredient to quote Nick Offerman at the end of the music video for the band Tweety, which is Spencer Tweety and Jeff Tweety, their music video for the song Low Key, Nick Offerman at the end says, more banana. This needs more banana. Because there is a famous sandwich,

which is peanut butter, bacon, and banana. And that's the Elvis. That is what Elvis Presley loved. And he loved his like griddled like a grilled cheese. But since I've never had the courage or fortitude to try an Elvis sandwich, peanut butter, bacon and banana, I decided now's my chance. I decided now's my chance. Yeah. So on the other side of the sandwich, I added banana. I did not add mustard because I wanted the closest to the thing because I'm just trying to think for the first time. Sure.

This is in deference to the king. Yeah, exactly. So I'm going to give this a try and I'm going to tell you how it feels because to me, this feels weird. But I'll tell you in a second. I bite right in the middle. He really did bite in the middle like he was in a commercial for sandwiches. Jennifer, I have to say, the Elvis sandwich, which I have also never tried, is immensely more appealing to me than this sandwich. And having eaten this sandwich with the bacon and peanut butter together, I'm imagining the Elvis sandwich and thinking it sounds perfectly fine.

Yeah. I've eaten peanut butter and banana sandwiches before. I've done that too, and that's a great sandwich. Yeah. As someone who has never had peanut butter and banana

or bacon and banana, all three of them together, perfectly fine. Perfectly fine-tastic. Ooh. Wow. That's a good sandwich too. Better. fine. Perfectly fine-tastic. Wow. That's a good sandwich too. Better. Better than the other one.

I agree. Peanut butter and banana is my father-in-law Steve's favorite sandwich. Shout out to Steve. Love that guy. If you don't like banana, you're not going to like this. And at first I was like, this is too banana for me. But it is offering what the mustard is not, which is a sweetness to counteract the smoky savoriness of the bacon and peanut butter.

Now you might not need banana. If you are using a commercial grocery store, peanut butter that has a lot of sugar in it. I was using the best, Teddy Chunky, no sugar. So the banana might be overkill in that case. But I think that this is a really interesting combo. That said, I probably would just go bacon and peanut butter any day of the week. I thought that tasted pretty good too. I think there's a reason it's a valid holiday morning treat. I think that in a family with a mother and a father,

if the mother does the heavyweight holiday cooking, which is often the case, I'll be clear, in my family, I'm the one doing the heavyweight cooking, but in a lot of families, it's the mother. There's something special about the dad doing a little weird something the next morning for the kids. It's not just peanut butter, mustard, and bacon.

There is also a little schmear of weird dad to it. You're absolutely right. It's lovely if the dad even is just making waffles. I think that's a nice thing for the next morning. Yeah. But if it's Kenji Lopez-Alt and he's combining all of the different elements of the Thanksgiving dinner into a waffle maker, which is one of his weird recipes. It is, you might say, a bananas. Yeah. I think that that is a lovely way

to connect with your children and give your partner a break. And a classic expression of weird daddery. Two great tastes that go together. Peanut butter sandwich and milk. What is the perfect pairing beverage-wise

for a bacon peanut butter and mustard sandwich, maybe we have to turn to Pam. Pam's new holiday mixer. So Pam came to one of our VIP sessions in the live stream of Judge John Hodgman, which as of the release of this show, you still have a couple of days to purchase and watch. And I think you should, cause we're really, really proud of it.

I think it's really a cool thing. Yeah, definitely go to van freaks roadshow.com to watch our stream, our recorded live show. It's wonderful. It's also the last place you can ever get a Ragnarok survival kit. And when they're gone, they're gone.

So they're flying, they're flying, flying off the virtual shelf, flying off the virtual shelf flying off the virtual shelf i'm going back to chewing talking anyway go to van freaks road show it it it becomes not available forever on what january 2nd yeah so go do that pam met us or we met pam in one of the vip sessions for that show we were so excited to meet her and interact directly with the person who introduced us

to orange soda and eggnog. And she said, well, I've got a new drink for you to try. This is sort of like if Grant Ackett's, the molecular gastronomy chef, said to you, I've put a new food in a bubble. Gotta try it. Gotta try it a new food in a bubble. Got to try it.

Got to try it. Got to give it a try. Pam is the combining two drinks together master. All right. And it has three ingredients, right, Jesse? That's absolutely correct. This is a combination of iced coffee, cherry Coke, and milk. All right.

Now, I'm going to make it. Pam, I don't remember if she gave us proportions. So I want to drink what you're drinking. I want what you're having. What's the proportions that I should make it to? I think you should go half and half coffee and cherry Coke and milk as you might add it to coffee. And Pam did say it could be any kind of milk that you like. Yeah.

Right. OK. Now, there was a viral thing about adding milk to Coke a year or two ago. And the problem with adding milk to Coke, which as soon as I heard about it, many people were repulsed. I thought, yeah, I could see that. The problem is that it will curdle the milk. But I think having the coffee in there is enough that the milk will not be curdled by the, I guess, the acidity of the Coke. On Laverne and Shirley, Shirley Feeney's favorite drink was milk and Pepsi. And that was something that profoundly grossed me out as a child.

Just thinking about it. I've never tried it. And I'm going to, I'm going to tell you something right now, even though I said, you know, Harry Met Sally style, I'll have what she's having in honor of my repulsion as a child.

And also because I didn't want 12 cans of cherry Coke hanging around. I did get cherry Pepsi. So I'll be right back. I'm going to make it. And if I, and I promise you, I'm just going to make it real quick. I'm not just going to go out and eat the rest of the sandwich.

I'll be right back. Jennifer has been kind enough to provide me with half Coke, half coffee in a maximum fun Tumblr that you would have if you were a member of Maximum Fun. So be sure to join and get some Maximum Fun classware. I'm going to add some milk to this. I'm using regular whole milk. Jennifer, it looks like you preferred almond milk. I know I've been making a lot of tweaks to these recipes, but I didn't feel bad about the almond milk because Pam said milk of our choice. Pam said milk of, but I didn't feel bad about the almond milk because Pam said milk of our choice. Milk of choice. I didn't feel bad about the other tweaks too. No, you shouldn't feel bad about the tweaks. Tweaks are the spice of life. The spice of life is tweaks. Are we going

to give this a try? Yeah. Here, cheers. Cheers. And we all lightened it to about the same color of light brown. And there's no question that you changed our lives forever when you suggested eggnog with orange soda. And we're so grateful that you're a listener and a member of Maximum Fun. Yet, you're like Icarus flying too close to the sun with this one. Your wings have melted. And you've fallen into the cherry Pepsi ocean that I'm currently drowning in. This isn't for me. Let me just say it that way. As I tasted this, I remembered one of the reasons I don't drink coffee. It takes so much practice to think that

it tastes good. And I do not have that practice. I immediately was like, oh right, coffee tastes bad to me. Maybe if I had used cherry Coke instead of cherry Pepsi, this would have come together better. And maybe if I had used just like regular iced coffee as opposed to cold brew,

which tends to be very intense, it would have blended a little bit better. Maybe if I'd used, you know, dairy milk. I don't know. But what I'm getting in here is a big fight between cherry and cold brew. And I usually don't want to have anything to do with either of them. So why am I hosting this bar fight in my mouth that's now in my stomach? When I could just be drinking cherry Coke, one of the best drinks ever. And I feel this way, but the opposite. I could just be drinking cherry Coke, one of the best drinks ever. And I feel this way, but the opposite. I could just be drinking iced coffee,

but it feels like I'm drinking iced coffee through cherry chapstick, and I don't like it. Three great tastes that should have never gotten together. I think we can all agree that if you're going to have flavored chapstick, it should be Dr. Pepper-flavored lip smackers. 100%. By the way, we still haven't, and perhaps for next year, we've not, the three of us, hoisted together mugs of hot Dr. Pepper with lemon. A holiday warmer that we've discussed before. Right.

So let's put that on the docket for 2024. Let's put that on the docket for 2024. And let me say once again, thank you, Pam, for changing our lives and getting this whole thing going, because it's so much fun to do this with my two friends, Jennifer Marmer and Jesse Thorne. I wish you only happiness and peace during this year end season. And I can't wait to spend all of 2024 with you. Just judging it up. Thanks, John. I feel't wait to spend all of 2024 with you, just judging it up. Thanks, John. I feel the same way about both of you guys. And of course,

thank you to all of our audience. You're the reason that we're able to do this, and happy holidays to you and yours. I also want to thank Marie Barty Salinas, who's been running our social media, and AJ McKeon, who's been editing for us, Daniel Spear, who also helped us out with some editing and other stuff this year. And I also wanted to thank Valerie Moffitt, our former editor and who covered for me while I was on maternity leave, who brought such a funny spirit to the show. An incredible sense of humor. Thank you, Valerie.

And Joel Mann. Joel Mann. Yeah. A gem at WERUFM. Jean Gray, who's filled in for us, who sent us some great tape today. And Monty Belmonte of New England Public Radio, Stephen Colon and Laura Valk, who made our whole live tour happen. It's just been a wonderful family to be a part of all these many years and looking forward to spending time with you, our listeners, our family, too, in 2024. So have some of these foods.

Try them out if you want. Watch that Fan Freaks Roadshow livestream. You've only got a few days left. And if you get the Ragnarok survival kit, don't eat the mayonnaise. It's one of the rare times I'll ever see it, but it will kill you. And if you're in San Francisco, we'll see you at Sketch Fest. We'll talk to you next time and next year on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximum Fun.

A worker-owned network. Of artist-owned shows. Supported. Directly. By you.