Judge John Hodgman - Judgin' Like It's 1992

Episode Date: May 13, 2015

Bailiff Jesse returns to the courtroom! Judge Hodgman rules on the Oxford comma, Hawaiian short pants, and tries not to hurt anyone's "Disney feelings". 

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, we're clearing the docket. How are you, Judge Hodgman? I am so ready to clear up some dockets. It's crazy. This docket is severely clogged. You know what you got to do? You got to get somebody out here to hydrojet the docket once in a while. I feel like the docket is a little backed up. I mean, I don't know how far back our docket goes at this point. Maybe three months I've been traveling so much. Well, let's hear the first case from Trent. I own a comic book store and I produce a zine with my friend Steve. What?

Well, I think we've discovered how far back the docket goes, Judge. I didn't realize it goes all the way back to 1992. What does Steve do? I mean, what does Steve do? Presumably he's like a modem repairman or something. Yeah, that's right. He repairs the modem couplers that you use when you're going to hack into Whopper. He's a mechanic who specializes in geos.

Yeah. Oh, well. Remember those good old times? No, I mean, only vaguely. Yeah, that's true. That's true. You're too young to remember these good old times. This is one of the most amazing things about my friendship with Jesse Thorne, you guys.

I've known Jesse for a decade and for a decade he's constantly and consistently surprised me with his uh deep knowledge of cultural ephemera from a decade uh before he should have been aware of culture in other words uh when we talk about zines jesse do you know what fact sheet five is i do know yeah exactly that's the zine that's about, it's like a list of zines. It's a zine of zines. It's a review of zines. I used to love getting Fact Sheet 5 in the mail and reading about all the different zines I could write away for. But there's no reason.

That was when I was 19 years old and you were nine. It is a byproduct of a childhood spent in the aisles of Aardvark Books in San Francisco. Ah, yes. Reading old issues slash copies of Research Magazine. You have always been unnaturally aged, as have I been. And that is why we run a tight ship of a courtroom. So let's get back to this court case talking thing. Okay. Steve is a copy editor at a local paper.

Unnaturally. Our dispute. stocking thing. Steve is a copy editor at a local paper. Naturally. Our dispute, I mean, this, again, it harkens back to when local papers had employees. That's exactly right. Our dispute lies

in the use of the Oxford comma within the zine. Steve takes the AP stance that the Oxford comma should only be used with items in a series that already contains complex punctuation.

I argue that if you use the Oxford comma once in a publication like our zine, it should be used as the normal form of listing items in a series throughout the entire piece. I say it doesn't matter if it is used just so long as the publication is consistent. Steve says it's okay to use when it clarifies already complex punctuation. As he says, it's not confusing in 95% of cases. There's no style guide for zines. That's actually not true.

There is a style guide for zines. Only problem, comes on a three and a half inch floppy diskette. So we'd like to leave it to the judge to decide the use of the Oxford comma in our publication. Well, all right. I actually had to go away for a minute there and look up what an Oxford comma is because I have not thought about it since 1992, the year you wrote me this print letter and sent it along with your zine. But it was something that I thought about a lot in 1992 when I was 21 years old and

just about out of college. in 1992 when I was 21 years old and just about out of college. And I loved picking apart punctuation distinctions and taking a strong stance one way or to the other. And then I grew up a few years and realized none of it matters and it's boring. So for those of you who don't know, the Oxford comma, also known as the serial comma, is a way of punctuating a list of things. Let's say three things in a list. I traveled to Brookline, Brooklyn, and Brooklyn, Maine, right? If you were to say those things using a serial comma, if you're going to write those things using a serial comma, I should say, you would say, I traveled to Brookline, Brooklyn, and Brooklyn,

Maine. And there would be a comma after the Brooklyn, Maine. Look, it's a confusing example. The point is, if you were to not use the serial comma or Oxford comma, it would be as simple as this. I traveled to Brooklyn, Brooklyn, and Brooklyn. No comma between the final two Brooklins. Do you see what i'm saying i eat spaghetti comma meatballs comma and bread that that second comma between meatballs and bread that's the that would mark that sentence as using the cereal comma or the oxford comma whereas many places including the gosh darned associated press think it's fine to just say i eat spaghetti comma meatballs and bread no comma between meatballs and bread uh now some people find that to be confusing meatballs and bread

without a comma between them are you talking about a sub sandwich are you talking about three different things okay there's that there's also a different kind of confusion that happens when you do use the serial comma because sometimes the thing between the two commas sounds like in a positive, that is a description. An example being, it was given on the Wikipedia, is what if you dedicated a book to my mother, Ayn Rand, and God. Now, you could be dedicating your book to three things, mother, Ayn Rand, and also God, or you might be describing your mother as Ayn Rand, which actually couldn't ever happen as far as I know, but to my mother, Ayn Rand, and God. You see, Ayn Rand sounds as a positive

descriptor of my mother. So if you're Ayn Rand's son or daughter or adopted offspring, that could be somewhat confusing. Here's a great example of where these things get confusing. And I found this on Wikipedia as well. And I'm quoting here. The Times, I believe of London, once published an unintentionally humorous description of Peter Ustinov, noting that highlights, quote quote highlights of his global tour include encounters with nelson mandela an 800 year old demi-god and a dildo collector oh man that's really funny

i don't like to laugh at stuff like that, but man, is that funny. Yeah. What is this? Eat shoots and leaves? I know, but it's funny. Highlights of Ustinov's global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 1,800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector, in which case one could reasonably conclude that Nelson Mandela is an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector.

could reasonably conclude that Nelson Mandela is an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector. If you had used the Oxford comma there and added one, encounters with Nelson Mandela, comma, an 800-year-old demigod, comma, and a dildo collector, you would at least absolve Nelson Mandela of being a dildo collector. You might still confuse him for an 800-year-old demigod, when what they clearly meant to say was that Peter Ustinov met on three separate occasions three different things or persons. Nelson Mandela being one, an 800-year-old demigod being two, and a dildo collector being three. The point is that neither using nor non-using the Oxford comma in this case will necessarily clarify an ambiguous sentence. Sometimes a sentence just wants to be ambiguous and you need to write it a different way.

For that reason, I don't think there's any argument that can be made, though people will make it. Pedants will make it back and forth over and over again as to which is more clear or appropriate or right, because if you give a pedant a comma, they will fight over it. It's still an ambiguous sentence. Sometimes it's just ambiguous and needs to be rewritten. Therefore, I always use an Oxford comma in my growing up and life because I am and was pretentious and would always use something

that had the name of a major university. That's why I like Oxford commas, and that's why I like Yale padlocks. that's why i like oxford commas and that's why that's why i like yale padlocks uh but i also reckon i also recognize that it is often just as good if not more expedient particularly from a newspaper point of view where every when back in 1992 when printed newspapers had to really measure space that having an extra comma in there was a waste of that space that's based on my time editing the fiction section of the yale herald and getting rid of the extra comma saves you a little space and that's based on my time editing the fiction section of the Yale Herald. And getting rid of the extra comma saves you a little space, and that's good. It doesn't matter. I agree, though,

with the petitioner, Trent, that what matters most is consistency of style. There is no style guide for zines. You're correct, but that doesn't mean that your zine can't have a style guide and decide that you guys use Oxford commas or not. And since I've taken all this time to explain all of it, and since it will make Steve unhappy, I'm going to insist that you do use the Oxford comma and use it consistently. I only buy UC Santa Cruz brand dank nugs. I only buy UC Santa Cruz brand dank nugs. Well, I think you're making a reference to Jordan Jesse Go, the episode specifically where I was a guest. Which people should run out and listen to.

I mean, it's like a month ago now, but it's still worth listening to. Just run out into the middle of your yard and listen to it. Next case, please. Kim writes, my husband feels that it's perfectly reasonable to wear flip-flops and shorts in the dead of winter in northeast Ohio. He grew up in Hawaii, but he's lived in Ohio and Colorado for the last 13 years. He still uses Hawaiian terminology for these items, calling them slippers and short pants. He makes the excuse that it's his culture. He owns a nano brewery. Yeah, boy

howdy. What is a nano brewery? I can only assume that a nano brewery is a brewery that provides beers to inner space explorers. People who are in submarines that have been shrunk into tiny size and injected into a human's bloodstream.

Now I'm wondering if this letter somehow isn't a clandestine buzz marketing for the new Paul Rudd movie Ants Man. He thinks it's part of his character's persona. The patrons find him very personable and laid back, which he is. However, I'm concerned about his health. What would happen if he was caught stranded somewhere? Or if he had to change a tire? We also have a two-year-old son who's starting to think it's okay to go out in the snow in a t-shirt and light jacket.

Please, tell my husband he needs to dress appropriately for the weather. First of all, Kim, I don't like the way you used your two-year-old son as a human shield in your argument. My husband is corrupting my two-year-old son and he's dressing like a Hobotian in a hat. Look, no. Your two-year-old son is your child and you are his mom. And if it's cold out, you will give him clothes to wear and he will wear them. That's his relationship to the world. He

looks to you to tell him what kinds of socks and shoes to put on. And two years old, it's fine. The problem is your husband is not a child, but is acting like one. Or let me say this. He is expressing his culture, the culture of Hawaii, which is a culture that is very distinct from the mainland United States. And allows grown men to wear shorts and slippers throughout the year. And that is a wonderful thing in that place and context. And it may even be a wonderful thing in the place and context of his nanobrewery. But you inadvertently reveal the true problem of this matter, which is that you have internalized your own husband's unfortunate affectation. You refer to your husband and his work in the nanobre and his wearing of these uh of these flip-flops

and shorts as part of his persona and this is the crux you know how i'm the crux finder jesse absolutely found the crux your husband has convinced hawaiian when he is not a persona he is a person he is your husband who has made choices in his life happy choices it sounds like to marry you and have a son and move to uh far away from the place of his birth that he yearns for. But being an adult means making those choices and adjusting to the consequences and to living the reality of your life as it is. That said, as I say, if you're running a nano brewery in Northeast Ohio that's based on your Hawaiian persona, by all means, wear whatever you want on the nano floor of your microfactory. If that's part of your deal, go for it.

But when workday ends, this goes back to what we were talking about with that beer snob. You know what I mean? When you're selling beer, you're selling a story as much as you're selling a product. And the story is, this dude is making beer in his shorts. much as you're selling a product. And the story is this dude, this dude is making beer in his shorts. Cool for you. Cool for me. But when the end of the day,

when the day ends, the narrative ends, you don't go home as a persona. You go home as a person, as the man who married a lovely woman who forced him to move to Northeast Ohio. And I don't know why you must love her very much because I would have stayed in Hawaii. But be the man that she married and put on some long pants. My roommate in college went our entire freshman year without wearing pants. It was like his proudest achievement. And not in the traditional Santa Cruz sense of not wearing pants. It was like his proudest achievement. And not in the traditional Santa

Cruz sense of not wearing pants, which is where you're just not wearing anything. Right. An important clarification that the Oxford comma would not have helped to clear up. He was Filipino. He remains Filipino. Part of his culture as well. He was kind and thoughtful enough and considerate enough to himself to own a pair of skateboard sneakers, which he wore for special occasions like when his grandma came to visit. But he was a child. He was a youth. He was a minor or a recent major, right? 18, 19 years old, right? Yeah, I'm going to say 1920.

And you were in Santa Cruz, California, right? I mean, that's short pants culture still. It is, certainly so, yeah. Northeast Ohio is different. It's a different culture. Here's something from Aaron. I file suit against my housemates for their abuse of the refrigerator

and by extension our electricity bill and the environment. I would like Judge Hodgman to issue an order for them to minimize the frequency and duration of opening the refrigerator door. They will stare at the fridge for minutes at a time without taking anything out, or they'll take something out but leave the door wide open while they use the item. but leave the door wide open while they use the item. I say this is doubly wasteful. It wastes energy and also raises the temperature of our fridge so food goes bad more quickly.

They still ignore my concerns. I see this as a symbolic microcosm of the larger problem of blind, thoughtless consumption that plagues our society and is responsible for the energy and climate crises we now face. Aaron, I bet these people don't even cut up their soda can six-pack attachment plastic things. No, no. How are you going to catch seagulls then? That's a good point. Is that what those do? Do they catch seagulls or do they catch dolphins? Do dolphins eat them and choke or do seagulls put their heads in them and choke?

I think that may be one of those things where it's not entirely clear what's wrong with it. It just seems like there should be something wrong with it. Right. I think if you cut it up better, they collect together better as Trash Island in the middle of the Pacific. Right. You know what I mean? Then you get one nice big Trash Island instead of a bunch of little ones. Aaron, you are the voice of reason within the household, and therefore you are probably not a lot of fun to live with.

But you are absolutely right. to call call you unfun you seemed fun i gotta say because you are absolutely right no one should be opening up the fridge and staring in it for minutes at a time or leaving it open more than is necessary because it wastes electricity and than is necessary because it wastes electricity and because it also, as you very rightly point out, warms up your fridge and reduces its efficiency and endangers the food that you're trying to preserve in there. The part where I decided that you might not be so much fun to live with was when you said that you saw it as a symbolic microcosm of the larger problem of blind, thoughtless consumption that plays our society and is responsible for the energy and climate crises we now face that might be the point where you want to take it down a notch in order to maintain a healthy roommate relationship if you are if you are in a situation

where you're living with friends or simple roommates it's probably best to try to just take it easy a little bit. Go easy on each other. Stop. Don't see each other as microcosms for all the problems in society. And just see it as lazy Barbara can't close the fridge. I'm calling her Barbara. His name might be Steve.

I don't know. She actually goes by Babs. So that is not to say that you're in any way wrong, Aaron. But a roommate relationship is absolutely one where you have to endure other people's imperfections. And if it were just simply a matter of taste, then I might not even side with you. But the reality is that the wastefulness that your roommates are showing overrides anything. That is the overriding consideration. They've got to close that fridge.

Close the fridge, you guys. Close that fridge. Do not stare in it. Because when you do that, you're in a transitional point in your life between being children and being adults. between being children and being adults when you probably when you're when you are when you are sharing a home with people who are not related to you in order to save money that's usually indicates that it's a at a transitional point in your life before you can get a place of your own before you're paying the bills on your own they're still acting as though they're at home and mom and dad are going to pay the bills and it doesn't matter how long they stare into that

fridge and think and think and think and think and think right so you got to learn to close that fridge up and not waste the energy and you can show them on the electricity bill how much leaving that fridge closed saves them and boy will they love you then once they see those charts and graphs on the electricity bill now they'll probably still think that you're a hectoring monster but the point is you're still right and here's what i think i recommend to everyone. Some years ago, I moved into a new home here in Brooklyn. I saw in a catalog a refrigerator with a glass door. Because I always like things to be a little bit different. I said to my wife, I want that refrigerator with a glass door.

She said, no way. Our refrigerator, then we'll always have to keep our refrigerator clean. And I'm like, yeah. And she said, no. And I said, please. said please and she said yes and do you know what one of the rare circumstances where my wife has turned to me in my life and said yeah you know what that was a good call because it is not that hard to keep the refrigerator clean but also you can just look in there and see what you have you don't have to stare at the you don't have to open the door all the time consequently uh we restock our refrigerator frequently because we know what we're running out of and we don't let

a lot of things rot in there there's nowhere to hide food in there you know how most refrigerators come with um with special drawers so that you can hide your vegetables and rot them we don't have that those things are right, and if they're going bad, we use them. I think every refrigerator should have a glass door, just like you live in, imagine like you're living in a convenience store. That's what it's like. It's the best. But since you're probably renting this place and you don't have a glass door, then Aaron,

I order on your behalf that your roommate should shut the darn door, and I will take the heat for being the hectoring monster, Aaron, that I know that probably in your heart you don't want to be. I looked into six-pack rings. Since 1989, they have been, by law, photodegradable, which means that when they are in the sun for a few days, they fall apart. Just like me. They're no longer

a significant danger to aquatic creatures. Oh, good. Well, then I'm sure the people who are yelling at people about cutting up their six-pack rings will find something else to yell at them about. There's always a reason to yell.

That is the moral of the story. Indeed. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org, and they are all your favorites.

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Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit.

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When I refer to an upcoming day of the week, say it's Monday and I'm talking about Friday coming, I will say, what are we doing next Friday night? Would you like to go see a contemporary art rock band play? I like that he's so specific with his... It's a ridiculous question because the answer is always no. Her response is, for example, I work next Friday night, but this Friday I'm not working. That said, I would rather eat dirt than go see one of your tedious art music shows. I like your wife a lot. You see, to her, next Friday is the next week's Friday.

To me, next Friday is the next Friday to occur. Wrong. And realistically, if it was Wednesday or Thursday, I'm more likely to just say Friday, because Friday implies the next fries to... What? I think it's the next Fridays to occur, but Sean wrote it fries, because he, I think, like me, is getting ravenously hungry as this podcast goes on. Will you weigh in on this issue, Judge Hodgman? I will weigh in, even though I think, i feel like we've weighed in on this one before or i might you know what i think i weighed in on this uh in the in the great and late lamented

uh column nella that i used to write for the new york times magazine judge john hodgman rules um this may be a regionalism but if uh if it is so then other regions are wrong and the one I live in is right. Next Friday means the Friday of next week. This Friday means the proximate Friday, the next Friday to occur. In other words, we are recording this today on a Monday. Well, it's just like Sean says. This Friday would mean Friday, the Friday that is coming right up. Next Friday means the Friday of next week.

And while different regions might do it differently, as I say, they are wrong because we need to be consistent on this if we are to understand each other. This the way that I have defined it, I think, must be the final and only definition because it is the one that makes the most sense and is clearest to all. Even you, Sean, acknowledge this when you point out that if it were Wednesday or Thursday, you wouldn't bother to say next Friday. You know, intuitively, you would be wrong. You simply want to say Friday, this Friday. But I will offer you an alternative, Sean, in order to have you save face in front of your wife. Since you are already suffering under the delusion that going to see an art rock band play is a good thing to do on a Friday night.

I'll give you this. I like when you said, when I refer to an upcoming day of the week, say it is Monday, and I'm talking about Friday coming, dot, dot, dot. I like Friday coming. You should say to your wife from now on, would you like to go see a pretentious art rock show

Friday coming? That would be a nice regionalism that would be very, very clear to all who hear it. But otherwise, you're wrong, Sean, and wife is correct. Also, you should specify that you want to go see Matmos specifically. Don't just say a band. I don't even know what that is, Jesse. It's a contemporary art rock band, Judge Hodgman. Yeah, I don't even know why I'm being so snotty about that.

I bet he likes some good bands. Motmos. I bet he likes Motmos. Motmos. Okay. So we have had a bunch of emails over the last couple of months regarding episode 168, which was entitled Queasy Rider. Oh, yes. of emails over the last couple of months regarding episode 168,

which was entitled Queasy Rider. Oh, yes. That was our episode with guest Mark Gagliardi. Katie brought the case against her boyfriend, Dallas, who refused to ride the Tower of Terror at Disneyland, though he had been on virtually every other ride there. Now, I should clarify uh it's pronounced mark gagliardi and we had him on no no that's fine i mean you were pronouncing it in the proper italian way you know what i mean and i might be pronouncing it wrong but in case there are some friends of

gags listening we know we know who you are and we love you and the reason we had him on was because he portrayed the mayor of Disneyland and had been a cast member on that very ride. So we have something from another former cast member named Scott. He writes, Years ago, I worked as a cast member and trainer at the Walt Disney World Tower of Terror, and I take issue with some of the things you said in the episode. The Tower of Terror is not a dumb carnival ride.

Freefall rides often use bungee cords or hydraulic rams to either shoot people into the air or cushion their fall. But the Tower of Terror is built around an actual elevator which pulls you toward the ground at a speed faster than gravity

so that you experience actual weightlessness. Also, while the California Tower's mechanism is somewhat simplified, on the Florida Tower, the vehicle in which you ride is a highly modified autonomous industrial robot. Yes, but is it a machine gun? That's a deep cut for first season listeners of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Go on. Go on. Go on.

The Tower of Terror puts the protagonist in their own episode of The Twilight Zone. Guests travel through it. He's just describing everything he knows. He's just listing things he knows about the Tower of Terror. Yeah. No point in this whole thing has he said anything of consequence other than, like, we could have just read from the Wikipedia. I'm sure there's a great Wikipedia entry for the Tower of Terror. I have no doubt that Disney enthusiasts are heavily represented among Wikipedia's editors.

And while I appreciate Scott's writing in, there is nothing that he is saying here that was not expressed in perhaps less maniacal detail on the podcast itself. Yes, the thing about the Tower of Terror does pull you down at a faster velocity than gravity normally would. That's true. Yes, the theming. This is what Gags was saying. The theming of Tower of Terror, both at Disneyland, and it sounds even more elaborate in Disney World, of the hotel to the Twilight Zone television show, including actual

or replica props from various episodes of the Twilight Zone, is elaborate and beautiful and detailed. That's true. And yes, as Scott writes, the pre-ride video features footage of Rod Serling and a vocal imitator melded together, all of which was approved by Rod Serling's widow. And Scott goes on to write, I hope you'll also let their listeners know that they decide not to ride the ride. They can always experience the queue and then ask the operator how to exit and wait for their party. In case, because what he's trying to say is what this is kind of the line that Disneyland and Disney World always tries to sell you. Waiting in line is as fun as the ride i will say that that is not true rides are always more fun than lines but the line is pretty fun and i will say that since this i have been on the disneyland tower of terror not once but twice jesse did you know that i wrote that thing twice two times two times i wrote it

i wrote it once uh no both times with mark mcconville our editor and though i was awfully dismissive of it i will say i enjoyed it very much and i enjoyed the ride uh the ride was short but fun and that the line the queue as they say i kind of wish i could have spent more time in that lobby looking at all the meticulously aged dumb hotel stuff it was cool so look scott your issue is not with me. I apologize for calling it a dumb carnival ride. I was wrong. I enjoyed it a lot. I will say that the Twilight Zone theming has nothing to do with going up and down an elevator really fast. And the storyline that they have where the people disappear because of lightning strikes and elevators and it could happen to you makes no sense at all.

Well, I will go on that thing again and i apologize for hurting your disney feelings is that the final word on this now no we actually have an update from katie who was one of the litigants in the case oh great she writes after the verdict which banned dallas from the tower until he was ready to deal with his underlying fears, Dallas made me a deal. If I agreed to ride in one of the swinging cars on the Ferris wheel, he would go on the Tower of Terror with me. We brought along another couple, thus complying with the judge's stipulation that I go with another man, maybe, and went on both rides.

The photo I've attached from the terrifying Ferris wheel of death pretty much sums up how we both felt about the experience. We've been to Disneyland three times since and while I continue to ride. And by the way, how would you describe them in this? Dallas looks very happy. Yes. And Katie looks pretty distressed. Apprehensive.

Yeah, that seems fair. And they're also wearing colorful stickers. Yeah, and name badges. And they're both very attractive and lovely-looking humans. I was thinking that, too. What a good-looking couple. Yeah, that's right. They shouldn't have any fears in their life.

No, they should just be skating by on their books. Yeah. Leave that to the asymmetrical weirdos like us. Here's what else they say. We've been to Disneyland three more times since, and while I, Katie, continue to ride the terrifying and yet strangely enjoyable Ferris wheel, Dallas has not returned to the Tower of Terror, which is fine. He, quote, just doesn't enjoy, unquote, the ride.

Quote, it's stupid, unquote. And of course, he, quote, rides up and down in elevators all day. Quote, things are going pretty well with us, though, because we moved in together at the end of January. Smiley face. smiley face well I appreciate a smiley face from me as well and I think that it is fine that Dallas doesn't want to ride the Tower of Terror

again because some things just aren't his or yours or anyone's cups of tea it's just not for him however I think we have we have ruled conclusively with ample evidence from both me, Mark Gagliardi, and this guy down in Walt Disney World, cast member Scott, that the ride is not stupid. It is not a stupid ride. ride it's certainly no more stupid than an imitation wonder wheel that they have at disney california adventure which is that ferris wheel with the moving cars that is based on the wonder wheel uh in uh in coney island um so dallas you're wrong stop saying it's stupid uh be grateful that

there's a young uh handsome woman in your life named katie who's willing to ride on your dumb ferris wheel and stop insulting her tower of terror and you guys should get along fine and I will not marry you I will never marry anyone stop asking me I love you all I wish you the best but you should all be married by weird governmentally appointed strangers that you've never met before because that's what marriage is all about as far as I'm concerned. We actually got one more letter from a Disney cast member. We're going to post that on the blog

along with this picture of these attractive young people and all the other information you might need. You can find that all at MaximumFun.org where you can also submit your case. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho, J-J-H-O

if you have a case for the judge, big or small, he judges them all. Well, he doesn't literally judge them all, but he at least considers judging them all and judges many of them. You know what? Here's the thing. I quietly judge all of them. Right. I come to a personal judgment about the case and the people involved. And then we choose the ones that will make the best fake radio uh on

the on the internet air uh and also are the ones that i am most likely to have something to say about i think that's fair yeah no i don't think i don't think that's unreasonable at all not even the supreme court hears every case our producer the supreme court chooses the supreme court chooses the cases that it that it that it knows will allow them to make the most jokes about moxie soda well sonia sotomayor chooses those cases that's her thing right ruth bader ginsburg she mostly wants to talk about the Red Sox. I think you're confusing her with Doris, what's her name?

Doris Kearns Goodwin. Doris Kearns Goodwin. Presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin. Yeah. Red Sox fan, Doris Kearns Goodwin. Hey, John, you got any, what do you got coming up? Well, I've mentioned it before and i'll mention it again june 22nd i make my inaugural visit to i had a hard time pronouncing inaugural their

inaugural visit to charleston west virginia june 22nd i'll be playing as part of the festival charleston festival it's a festive all right get it? And I'll be playing at the Scottish Rite Masonic Hall there. This was set up by an old fan and I dare say acquaintance, a friend of mine, Chase Henderson, put it all together so that I could finally visit West Virginia. And it's going to be a great show. And you can go get tickets at FestivAllCharleston.com. Then only a few days later, I will be arriving in my beloved Commonwealth of Massachusetts, the western portion in North Adams, Massachusetts, where I will be curating and performing

on the comedy stage of Wilco's Solid Sound Festival, along with Paul F. Tompkins, Tig Notaro, Jessica Williams of The Daily Show, and the gentlemen of Super Ego Matt Gourley, Jeremy Carter and our very own editor of this podcast, Mark McConville that's all

Solid Sound Festival it's, I'm going to say, solidsound.com or org, try them both and see what happens and festivalcharleston.com for tickets to those various events let's be honest. How many of them could be pornography? Maximum one.

I have nothing to say to that. Our editor is Mark McConville. As mentioned, Julia Smith produces the show. You can find us on Facebook. Just search for Judge Sean Hodgman or join the MaximumFun.org group where things are always hopping. We're also on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. I've been Jesse Thorne. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Bye-bye. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.