Judge John Hodgman - Justice De-furred

Episode Date: August 29, 2015

Is fresh best? How often should pet-soiled sheets be washed?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm your good time summertime guest bailiff Monty Belmonte from W.R.S.I. 93.9 the river in Northampton, Massachusetts in for Jesse Thorne. This week, justice deferred. Steve brings the case against his wife, Brenica. says she's a clean fiend when it comes to bed sheets, washing them several times per week, but not always replacing them right away, leaving a stripped mattress when it's time for bed. Like she just don't give a sheet. Renika says she needs to sheet metal,

and it's a chore that needs doing, and she's going to do it. Who's right? Who's three sheets to the wind? Me! Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and issues the obscure cultural reference. And it's a battered old suitcase in a hotel someplace. And a wound that will never heal.

No, prima donna, the perfume is on an old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey. And good night to the street sweepers, the night watchman flame keepers, and good night to guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, too. Guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, swear them in, please. Steve and Brenica,

please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to the Egyptian cotton, the Italian linen, and nothing but the 1,000 thread counts, so help you Martha Stewart or whomever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that Judge John Hodgman is, under the sheets, the creator of the Dutch oven?

I do. Thank you, Judge Hodgman. You may proceed. Stephen Brenica, you may be seated. And thank you for that rather spirited introduction. Funtime, summertime, bailiff monty belmonti here we are at the end of the summer you're quite welcome by the time listen i monty belmonti as listeners of this podcast know is the uh the the morning dj and program director. Is that correct? Yes. At WRSI The River

93.9 FM in Northampton, Massachusetts, my home Commonwealth. That means he gets up very early in the morning. And here we are now, recording this very late in the day, and I suspect that perhaps Monty has enjoyed

a fruity adult beverage. Nah! Which makes my obscure cultural reference, in which I say goodbye, but not quite yet goodbye, to Monty Belmonte. We still have another one to come here at the very end of our summertime.

But it makes Monty's exuberance and intoxicated fun times makes my obscure cultural reference even more apt. And I wonder if either you, Steve, or you, Brenica, can name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom. Steve, you bring this case before me for justice. Do you want to take your first shot at guessing a piece of culture that i quoted go um i couldn't begin to guess uh no you could you couldn't begin to guess no therefore i will not begin to guess i have no idea not begin nor shall you end no i'll say it this way you will so you will not begin but you will end goodbye veronica

uh no it makes me no it makes me feel sad but i do not know what it is it's uh actually a very apt description wait what monty you want to jump in you practically yes practically tipped over your fruity pleaser. You almost impaled yourself on your swizzle stick. That is true. What is it, Monty? It is the Tom Waits song, Tom Trobert's Blues, Four Sheets to the Wind in Copenhagen from his album Small Change.

That is absolutely correct. It makes you feel sad, though you don't really understand it. Although I was in a band in college called Waltzing Matilda based on the lyrics to that song. Yes, indeed. It is one of the quintessential Tom Waits songs

and one that got burned into my pretentious teenage brain very deeply during my pretentious teenage years to the point that it was very hard not to sing the song. And I might do it in my best Tom Waitsian gravel garble at the end of this very episode. But I will go forward to say on this program, i've been a little down on tom waits he's one of the most influential uh songwriters and singers of my young life but he got ruined for me by the profound cynic david reese of going deep with david reese returning to the esquire channel uh in the future when david reese said to me something i could never unhear that guy's dumb i could not unhear it he thought he said that tom waits the minute he heard

tom waits is like what is that big phony fake hobo fake beatnik talking about dumb. And it became an anti-earworm. It got in my head. So every time I heard a Tom Waits song, I started, my confidence was shook. Is this dumb? And even in this beautiful song, there's some real heavy beatnik sauce that he's laying down that feels a little bit too much.

A little bit too much. I am not listening to any of this. I hate the fact that Tom Sharpling and David Reese ruined Tom Waits for me because the fact is I still love Tom Waits. I still think he's great. Over the course of this summer, I've been rediscovering Ricky Lee Jones,

who I hesitate, it diminishes her to call her lady weights but she because she i think is you know as good if not slightly better than tw they they had a crazy love affair where they mumbled at each other for a while i don't know if anyone ever understood what the other one was saying but i loved the idea of that conversation and she's a wonderful artist and the fact is you can't help but think about the old things in your life when you're in the midst of a dying fog and shrouded summer here in coastal Maine, where the temperature reached a damp 65 yesterday, you can't disown your creative family, the people who really got to you

and pushed you to understand things better about yourself, even if sometimes there are parts of it that's a little embarrassing upon reflection. I'm going to be hearing these Tom Waits and Rickley Jones songs till I die. And that's something also, there aren't a lot of songs you can quote with sheets in the title that are suitably non-erotic for a family podcast. Parents,

parents be glad that I did not go with my first instinct and read the lyrics to the isley brothers between the sheets because that would have gotten hot also nice also parents enjoy explaining to your children what non-erotic means if you look it up in the dictionary it will show you a picture of me, aged 16, alone in my room, listening to Tom Waits. But now, on to the non-metaphoric sheets that adorn the bed of Steve and Brenica. By the way, you guys, you should listen to some Tom Waits and some Mercury Jones. I'm telling you, boy, oh, boy. Yes.

Boy, oh, boy. You know, Pirates is an album that I had never... I was always a magazine dude pirates is a masterpiece you you you may already be in into your into your cups monty but i but i have miles to go before i reach my reach my couch in in these waning days of summertime in maine and follow my nightly ritual of drinking a gallon of martini and listening to we belong together over and over again. That's for later. Now I already went to my cups and have now sobered up.

So, I mean, my cups are already past me. Now is for justice. Now is for me allowing these poor humans to speak 35 minutes into the podcast. Steve, Brenica.

Hello, Steve. So your problem is your wife washes the sheets too much boo what's what's the beef so the beef uh is about the frequency of the washing first and foremost which is roughly every three to five days um probably leading more towards every three days. And then in the past, it was more prominent that the sheets would not be replaced in a timely manner. So I would go up to bed and the linens would be stripped and therefore I'd have to wait. So it's a combination of the frequency and the not replacing the sheets that really is the case being brought against her.

And you would like me to order her to wash the sheets at a regular pace of once every 35 weeks? Or 40 weeks, but yeah, a more reasonable, less arbitrary rate. Okay, and what would be reasonable as far as you're concerned? I think every one to two weeks with also kind of an as-needed sheet washing in between for any type of circumstance that might arise regarding the animals other than the fur issue. So if there's a stain or something were to be spilled on the sheets, then obviously that's okay.

Right. Well, we'll go over the various stains your animals are causing on your sheets. But you're saying every, I'm sorry, did you say every two weeks or every week? I think every one to two weeks, but I would say for this case, every two weeks would be appropriate, yes. It's a big difference between one to two weeks, but I would say for this case, every two weeks would be appropriate, yes. It's a big difference between one and two weeks. Yeah, huge difference. Seven days worth of sweat and animal stains.

But, you know, I'm not standing on ceremony. I don't think we've washed our sheets once this summer. It's gross. Yeah, absolutely. We're disgusting human monsters. sheets once this summer it's gross yeah yeah we're disgusting human monsters branica why why are you washing the sheets so much and why is washing every two weeks a bad thing well i just prefer to wash every three to five days based on the fact that two cats and one huge you guys you guys really you you guys before i start hearing about your menagerie, you guys love hyphens so much.

Three to five days. Yes, it's an average. Why can't you just be on a schedule? Okay, I agree with that. I think that would help the ranges lead to differing views of how often this even takes place or how often it should. All right, let's do it. Let's do the average. Every four days, you would like to wash the sheets every four days, and you have animals that contribute to your desire. Yes, the animals are the sole contribute to my desire to change the sheet so often. Because they because they they sleep in the bed? They sleep in the bed and they

shed all over the bed and I cannot get my most restful sleep knowing that the fur is all over my bed. Are they what kind of animals are we talking about? We have two cats and a dog. And what kind of dog? He's an American bulldog mix. He's large and he sheds a lot. And the, and, and the cats, what kind of cats are these? Are these the kinds of cats that, um, that poop in a box full of their own poop?

Yes, they are that type of cat. At least once a day? Is that the kind of cat we're talking about? Yep. So they go in their own little box and then proceed to hop onto our clean sheets, one of which who wraps himself around my head every night, who is a deaf cat and cannot be trained not to do it because uh i'm not equipped to do so you know i recently you know i come to maine every summer

to enjoy myself in the contemplation of mortality because maine lends itself to it and it was just I was just reminded it was just a couple days ago was the year anniversary that I had to to leave Maine and return to New York to help my very ill cat be put to sleep Petey 19 years old very sad I mean 18 years old I'm sorry 19 is pushing it he's 18 years, I think, but the last two years of his life, he may have died two years earlier and hadn't realized it. What kind of ghost cat?

And I'll tell you something. That means it's been a year that I have been absolutely without animal in my life. And you guys, it's great. my life and you guys it's great i rarely rarely touch poop or and i sleep great but that's a life choice i'm not saying i'm not ordering you to kill your cats. But I am pointing out, Steve, that you have do you sleep with animals, all three animals, every night?

Well, first I'd just like to object to the terminology of sleeping in the bed. They never burrow under the sheets. Do they get under the covers? No, they don't. So I feel like that's kind of misleading. They sleep on the bed. They never burrow under the sheets. Yeah. Do they get under the, do they get under the covers? No, they don't. So I feel like that's kind of misleading. They sleep on the bed, like on the comforter. So yeah, but we start off, it's generally a fairly streamlined process. Every night it's the same. So we'll go to bed and we'll start with the dog on the, on his bed

separately next to ours. and he's content with that and then so it's not until about 5 or 5 30 in the morning oh no it's 5 30 in the morning he will whine to get in the bed and at which point we reluctantly allow him in the bed so it's not an all-night thing with the dog now the cat is true. The second he senses that we're going to bed, he will just make a beeline for Brenica's pillow and then just be done at that point. And you guys have been

married for how long? It'll be almost three years. Yeah, three years this September. This September. And you have no children? No. No. All right.

And you have no children, obviously, because you're treating these pets as children. Somewhat. More or less, yeah. Yeah. Do you have a king-sized bed? No, I wish. We have a queen-sized bed. Yeah, it's because of the way the house is, I wish. We have a queen-sized bed. That's, yeah,

it's because of the way the house is built, actually. We can't. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's built to torture you? Yes, exactly. Essentially. We had to actually cut our queen box spring in half to even get that up the stairs

into the bedroom. And where do you live? Ann Arbor, Michigan. Ann Arbor, Michigan, college town. Yes. You know, you have choices in life. You can choose things to make your life comfortable, such as a home with a bedroom large enough to house an adult bed. Yeah.

You don't, you don't, no one forced you to, to get cats that try to smother you at night, close a door and make other choices. I mean, it just doesn't sound to me, Steve, like you find sleep time to be a restful time in your life. Well, it's actually, you know, the sleep time isn't terribly uncomfortable, actually. It's really not so much that the animals sleep on the bed.

It's that this is the reason that Brannica uses to frequently wash the sheets. You're saying she's a liar. No, never. No, never, ever. Never, ever. Brannica, are you lying when you say that you wash the sheets because they've got a lot of dander in them from all of your house pets? No, absolutely not.

There's no other thing? You're not compelled... No, there's... ...to wash the sheets? No. compelled no to watch to wash the sheets no and then and then no hold them in a certain way and then sniff them and whisper to yourself pure no none of that happens people people who suffer from OCD really do suffer so I don't mean to make light of them but I heard an incredible

story when I was a freshman in college from a friend of mine, who knew a kid who had OCD and his tick was that he had to go around smelling all of the appliances and whispering to himself pure before he could leave the house. And he and he very sad and he was a young you know he's a teenager and eventually had some therapy and it sort of abated but then uh my friend my friend ran into this friend and he seemed really down he's like what's going on? Everything okay? He's like, my parents caught me sniffing the VCR last night. Oh. So I'm glad to know that you do not suffer from OCD and that you are simply trying to provide a pleasant sleeping environment for you and your husband. And I'm sorry that he does not appreciate it.

How do you answer the charge that you do not make the bed fast enough? Well, actually, this thought may have entered Stephen's mind when he started listening to the Judge John Hodgman podcast because before he had started listening, there was no mention made to me that it was untimely or that he was unsatisfied with the bed making. I object. So you're calling him a liar.

I object. I wholeheartedly object. I'll allow your objections to you. Thank you very much, Judge. So this was more frequently noticed by myself when I held a different job that I had to commute at 530 in the morning and wouldn't get home until 730 or eight in the evening. And so the days I'd have to go to work, I would often go to bed earlier than Brenica. And she was currently working in an office versus working at home. So you were working from 530 in the morning or you left work at 530. You didn't get home at 730. Yeah in the morning, or you left work at 5.30,

you didn't get home at 7.30? Yeah, correct. And all you want to do is... Yeah, exactly. I mean... Get into bed, get into bed and roll around with a couple of cats and their poop paws. That's all, the whole drive home, that's all I could think of. And, you know, when I would go upstairs to go to bed, I would see a stripped bed stripped bed and again it's because of the frequency so it's not so much that i don't appreciate you know having to change the linens uh you know every couple of weeks and help out with that it was that this was happening so routinely i don't i don't want to i don't need to hear all your self-justifications okay i'm just gonna ask you some simple questions so you would come home So you would come home more than once.

And your complaint is that Brenica will wash the sheets with, with frequency and also with frequency, not promptly make up the bed again. Correct. Before you want to go to bed. Exactly. And how many times did this happen? So this would probably happen when I had that job, maybe three to four times a month.

And so how long would it be? So you would then have to make the bed before going to bed? Well, yeah. And so it would turn into, you know, she was busy on a different schedule than me. So if I wanted to go to bed, I would be forced to change the sheets at this insane frequency and or delay my sleep or just sleep on an empty bed uh with devoid of any linen just yeah so and and how would you feel how would it make you feel when you saw that strip bed describe your emotional state i mean to your wife yeah my my heart would drop i would you, just have this sense of,

I can't complete my day. This is what I wanted to do. Just relax and be done with my day. Check out and this hurdle is in the way. And so it was brought to her attention because it became kind of a running joke that if the sheets weren't on the bed, she would make a comment. Don't worry. They'll be on there before you're ready for bed or something along those lines. So I also object to the fact that, you know, she says that she did not know about this until recently. You provide the evidence of the running joke. I, yeah. So it's hard to bring that evidence to the

court. Renika? Yes? I ask you, was there a running joke? And was there a reason for there to be a running joke? I will remind you, you are under fake oath. I will admit to not having the best

memory on the planet. Okay, you're good. But there lately has been an extreme amount of the running joke that I cannot deny, which has caused me to make up the bed faster because I do not want this running joke to be put onto me. faster because I do not want this running joke to be put onto me. So. Yeah.

I threatened her with litigation and she kind of changed her tune. So is this still an issue? Yeah. The frequency definitely is. So I still. That's not what I'm talking about, Steve. Come on. Are you, how often this month have you had to make the bed? Twice this month.

Grumbling. Grumbling twice this month. And there's still room for a third time, your honor. Oh, well, I bet you there are a couple more nights in the month. If I were her after this, I'd strip the bed and throw the sheets away and see how you felt about it. May I object at this moment? Yes, I'll allow your objection. Steve has agreed that since every two weeks in his mind is an appropriate amount to change the sheets, that he will help me change the sheets twice per month.

Yeah, but that's not an appropriate amount for you. No, it's not. But in his realm, which I change them more often than twice this month, but he's only helped twice this month. Walk me through your sheet routine. walk me through your sheet routine you decide to wash the sheets when you observe what so if i see any fur on the bed um so our sheet color is kind of dark and our animal fur is a lighter color so i'm able to see the fur on the bed um on the sheets or on the comforter both i'm able to see both um all right because you have superpowers i do you're like a you're like a you're

like a csi blacklight kind of technician yeah all right so you see a hair you see some hairs and you're like gotta wash to wash the sheets. Yes. So you strip the bed of the fitted sheet, the flat sheet, the pillowcases? Yep, the pillowcases. And then do you wash the comforter cover as well? Yes, I do. We have a quilt, so our dog lays exclusively on the quilt.

So I can see his fur on the quilt also. So I take all of that, put it in the laundry, usually later in the afternoon. I think I can figure out what happens next. You wash it. Yes. What I want to... And then I presume you dry it in an electric dryer?

It is an electric dryer. It's gas. All right. It could be gas, I mean. But I suppose what I meant was you're not hanging it up to dry. No. So that all happens in the morning?

No, that happens in the late afternoon, usually when I'm ending my work day. What does your work day consist of? Do you work at home? I work at home, so the end of the day varies. It can be as early as three or as late as seven. How long after the dryer, after that stuff is dry, do you wait before you put the sheets on the bed? It's not necessarily waiting to put the sheets on the bed. We may do other things

like have dinner together, watch a TV show, and then I'll pull the sheets out of the dryer before I'm going to bed to put the sheets on nice and warm and cozy before I go to bed. Right before you go to bed?

Yeah, which is usually before Steve. What time do you go to bed? I get into bed at about 10 o'clock or 10.30. All right. So if Steve ends up wanting to go to bed earlier, then it's his tough luck. He's got to make the bed. Yeah, then he's helping me. Yeah.

All right. I have two questions for you guys and then I'm going to go into my sleep chamber and render my decision. Brannica, let's say I order you to

cease and desist your four-day wash cycle and make it what is it you want again, Steve? I think every two weeks would be appropriate cycle and make it, what is it you want to get Steve? I think every two weeks would be appropriate. And make it from four to 14 days. How will that affect your sleep comfort? I will not,

I will not be comfortable at all. Having those clean sheets gives me a much more restful sleep. I feel much more comfortable and I sleep much better and I don't want to wait that long. Your Honor. Okay, so I would just like to point out to the court that Brenica has never once said, mentioned, or alluded to the fact that she did not sleep well because she felt grimy or full of dander. She has never mentioned anything about the need to wash the sheets at this frequency because of a lack of quality of sleep or a feeling of grossness. So I don't subscribe. So you would like me to order your wife to talk more openly about her ongoing feeling of grossness?

I feel like her number is so hard to track. You're saying that because she never mentioned it to you, it's not true? Perhaps. All right. You're both liars. Steve? Yes, Your Honor. liars. Steve?

Yes, Your Honor. When you get home and you don't know whether the sheets are on the bed or Brenica says to you, don't worry, the sheets aren't on the bed but they will be by the time you go to bed.

Let's have a meal here or sit on the couch and be jumped on by all of our animals. Are you able to relax? No, I, especially if I visualize it. Um, so that's, that's the main thing is just an underlying anxiety. It's not a debilitating. It's just one of my, one of my things, um,

that the bed not being made just knowing that if i wanted to retire and go to bed i could not is kind of just like bubbling beneath the surface for me it's just one of your things just one of my i get i get a couple of those things in life and that's one of them that's one of them all right I think I've heard everything I need to. I'm going to go into my sleeping pod to go into a trance state and come to the right decision. I'll be back in a moment. No sheets in the sleeping pod of Judge John Hodgman. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Steve, a good night is a fortnight of the same sheets for you.

That's what is enjoyable for you. That's what we're learning from this. Yeah, I don't think I've ever once thought to myself, boy, I feel quite furry after waking up in the morning and that these sheets need to be changed. And so I think two weeks is a good amount of time just for hygiene purposes. Do you have a problem with an extra level of cleanliness? Are they too clean for you?

No, no, no. I do enjoy just like a brand new pair of socks. I do enjoy the feeling of a warm, clean sheet. But once it becomes excessive, I think I have to draw the line at some point. clean sheet. But once it becomes excessive, I think I have to draw the line at some point. So is your main problem that if Brenica starts a project, she should take it all the way to completion? She could wash those sheets every day, but as long as those clean sheets were on the bed when you were ready to go to bed, you would have no problem with it? Oh, absolutely. And that's another issue that I wasn't able to bring up to the judge is that we

have probably four or five sets of linens, no more than five or six feet away from the bedroom that could easily be put on immediately after the bed is stripped. Now, Brannica, you mentioned that the cat wraps around your head virtually every night. Have you thought about changing your head every three to five days? Due to cleanliness issues.

I already do that more than three to five days due to cleanliness issues. I already do that more than three to five days. Okay. All right. And you have not sniffed any VCRs lately. Not that I can remember. No, I have not. Okay, just checking.

I will say that I believe you have changed your sheets more times this month than I have in all of 2015. So I'll just say good night to the street sweeper, the night watchman, flame keeper, and good night to Brenica, too. And we'll be back in just a moment with Judge John Hodgman's decision. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join.

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Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. Very well rested. Thank you. Yes, you're absolutely right. I overheard you as I went into my airless sleep chamber. I do not use sheets at all because filthy i i rest in a in a nutrient gel do you by the way monty have a squeegee by any chance i believe i do because i need to get some of this nutrient gel off of me before i render here you go thank you very much that was

some radio drama that we did i'm sure mark mcconville added in a squeegee handing sound effect and if he did it so branica steve you may be seated. I, unlike either of you, I don't believe you're both liars. You may each think the other one is lying, but I believe you're telling the truth. when Renika says the idea of sleeping in that bed after she's seen poop paw prints or whatever is just gross for her and in two weeks she doesn't know if she could hack it. And Steve, I also believe that you were telling the truth when you say coming home and not knowing if there will be sheets on the bed and being reassured that there will be probably by the time you want to go to bed is anxiety producing. Honestly, both situations conjure in me profound discomfort just thinking about them. Thinking about your bed full of bulldog dander.

And thinking about that stripped bed after it's dark outside. I don't like anything that's going on in their house. about that stripped bed after it's dark outside. Ugh. I don't like anything that's going on in their house. But, and it starts with sleeping with pets. Because here's the thing.

That's a thankless job. Those pets, those, you thankless job. Those pets, those, you know, everyone loves their pets. Of course they do. Dogs and cats, wonderful companions.

They're parasites. They're using you for, for warmth and for comfort and for emotional support as much, if not more,

as what you're getting from them. And, and you don't even have kids yet. So you don't know what true parasitism is. I, I, I don't, I, sleeping with an animal now that I no longer have to do it seems unfathomable to me as a choice and an adult human would make in one's life. But that's okay. That's, that's one of my things. Just like Steve, you have your thing about feeling anxious about the bed being stripped. And Brenica, you have your thing, which is thinking about the real world ramifications of the things your pets leave behind in your bed.

We all have our things, right? And it's important when we're sharing lives and sheets with one another that we acknowledge the other person's thing and respect it. Particularly when it comes to the bedroom. Now, I made my promise to keep this non-erotic, parents, and I'm going to keep it. Yes, the bedroom is a place for intimacy, but more frequently,

especially after being married for a few years, it is a place for vulnerability. Now, your pets may be running all over your couch all the time, and you don't think about it that much when you sit down on the sofa because, first of all, you're wearing poop armor called clothing. It protects you from what they leave behind, the detritus and the mites and the worms and the excretions and the love and the saliva.

But when you go to sleep in your bed, you are surrendering yourself to fate. You are making yourself unconscious, and you are doing so usually in an undressed and unprotected state. And so the things that people have about sleeping are serious business, right? Because you need to basically, every night when you go to bed and rehearse your own death, you need to feel that it's okay and feel good about it. And right now, you have two things that are in conflict and they don't need to be. you have two things that are in conflict and they don't need to be. And neither one of your things is destructive to the other, right? It's just you're out of step with one another's schedules.

Because, and there should be no problem making a compromise here, because the end result is something that all humans can agree upon. Getting into a bed that is made and has clean sheets on it is one of the greatest feelings in the world. So I'm going to value both of your things in making this ruling. Brannica, I wish I had someone in my life who was cleaning my sheets every three to five days. But if that, but,

but if, but if it were a question mark as to whether the bed was made every three to five days before going to bed i couldn't i couldn't take it it's just i wouldn't be able to think of anything else and steve you should be grateful that you have someone in your life who is washing the sheets this much yeah and and you know perhaps i haven't gone through all of your other household chores but perhaps you should be grateful enough that it's not that when you get home and the sheets aren't on the bed and it's still daytime or you know early evening to actually just go in there and make the bed and

then you don't have to worry about it for the rest of the evening but whether however you partition this work i'm not going to stop brenica for washing the sheets as frequently as she feels she needs them i think every three days if it's any more frequent than that you're just destroying your sheets. Four to five days, once a week, in that region, that feels fair to me if it makes her sleep easy. But I don't care which one of you does it, those sheets have to be on the bed before dinnertime. Or some sheets have to be. Because a lot of feeling like being ready to go to bed is easing into it through a nice, pleasant, relaxed evening.

Of being with your loved one. And tending to the excretory needs of your cats and dog. So my ruling is, in favor of Brenica, with the stipulation that the sheets must, if they are washed, they must go onto the bed as soon as possible. You can work out between yourselves who is it who does that. Steve, I think you should be generous with your time. But, Brenica, you are instigating this imposed cleanliness. So I would say split it 50-50.

This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Steve Brenica, this is some serious sheets. I don't know how I feel about that. I will honor the judge's ruling, but yeah, I'm a little disappointed. Why are you disappointed, Steve? Because it seems to me that you are every three to five days going to sleep in clean sheets as long as Brenica or you helping Brenica have put the sheets back on of bed making, which, you know, I think that the judge's ruling regarding having it done before dinner time is is a good idea.

I think that will definitely help knowing that it's done regardless of who does it, even though I despise doing it. doing it. Brannica, do you think you'll be able to finish the job? If you, you know, the, get the compulsion to clean the sheets again, that you'll be able to get those sheets or the other three sets of sheets

you have on for, uh, by, by dinner time. Yeah, I think I can do that. Um, in order to maintain my three,

every three days of washing sheets, I can definitely abide by that ruling and it makes me very happy. Oh, gosh. Have you guys thought about opening a bed and breakfast? Because, you know, the only time that my sheets are cleaned this regularly, and certainly not the comforter, but at least the sheets, is when I'm staying in a hotel or something.

So maybe you guys, since you're so good at it, maybe she's practicing. Open a bed and breakfast. Yeah, maybe that's something that she's going to bring up down the line and she's just preparing for that and the rigors involved. I think the combo of Brenica and her cleanliness and Steve and his insistence that the sheets are back on the bed, bed and breakfast is your future there.

So thank you both for being part of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. thank you both for being part of the judge john hodgman podcast thank you thank you if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-o-d-c-a-s-t-i hmm are you trying to put the name of the podcast there yeah i'm trying to spell it but it's tricky let me give it a try okay if you need a laugh and you're on the go call s S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go.

Thanks to Rich Davis for suggesting this week's case name, Justice Deferred. To suggest a name for a future case, like us on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions. If you have a case for the judge, submit it at www.maximumfun.org slash JJ Ho. I've been your good time, Summertime Bailiff from WRSI, Submit it at www.maximumfund.org.

I've been your good time, summertime bailiff from WRSI 93.9 The River in Northampton, Massachusetts. I've been your good time, summertime judge podcasting to you live from the studios of WERU-FM Community Radio in Blue Hill, Maine. 89.9 FM Blue Hill. 99.9 Bangor. Webcasting at www.weru.org. Sitting across from me, our main producer, Joel Mann. Thank you very much. The third man.

Julia Smith produces the show. Mark McConville is our editor. Thanks for joining us for the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hot dog is not a sandwich. JohnHodgman.com slash tour. John Hodgman podcast. Hot dog is not a sandwich. JohnHodgman.com slash tour. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture.

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