Judge John Hodgman - Klutz Action Lawsuit Live in Burlington

Episode Date: August 6, 2025

Adrian is a little clumsy. His wife, Lisa, wants him to be more careful! But if that's not possible, all she wants his for him to stop sending her photos of himself with bloody wounds! Plus cases about mustaches, sharing shirts with a spouse, and eating paint. All recorded live at Higher Ground Ballroom in Burlington, VT!Please consider donating to Al Otro Lado. Al Otro Lado provides legal assistance and humanitarian aid to refugees, deportees, and other migrants trapped at the US-MX border. Donate at alotrolado.org/letsdosomething.We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman!Thanks to reddit user u/sjhamilton43 for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at reddit.com/r/maximumfun! Judge John Hodgman is member-supported! Join at $5 a month at maximumfun.org/join!

It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff, Jesse Thorne, and with me is Judge John Hodgman. This week's episode was recorded live in Burlington, Vermont. We talked about what happens when loving couples share their shirts. We talked about mustaches, cannot be shared, and what to do when you minorly injure yourself at home and your partner is squeamish. We had a blast up there in Burlington, Vermont. Let's go to this stage. of the higher ground ballroom. People of Burlington, Vermont, you asked us for live justice,

and we are here to deliver it. The court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Thank you, Baylor of Jesse Thorne. Judge Hodgman, we received a lot of submissions for our show here in Burlington. Too many to hear live on the stage.

So let's start things off by clearing the docket. First up is a letter from Cyprus. Holy cow. Please order my friend Ribbitt to stop consuming paint. Whether it's solid water colors, leftover paint water, or just straight up paint. Ribbitt has been eating and drinking paint with enthusiasm for years. As someone who has paid the price

for consuming too much paint myself. I worry about Ribbitt's health. Who is right? Okay. We don't make these up. I can't emphasize that enough. Now, Cyprus, this took a real turn there when Cyprus revealed that they also have enjoyed drinking paint, or consuming paint,

I should say. They're off the stuff now. Well, I hope that Cyprus and Ribbitt are okay. I am going to say, I don't know, I could only speculate as to what pleasure someone would take of consuming watercolors. I probably, there are paints that are non-toxic, the kinds that you give to children, for example. Yeah. Because they're definitely going to consume paint, mostly through the nose. And yet, I would say, before consuming any further paint, please do consult your physician.

It's the principle of, I'm going to say it's the ruling, the official ruling of the Judge John Hodgman Court. Please talk to a doctor or a nurse practitioner or a medical professional before eating any more paint. Do we have any more? Yeah, here's one from Melissa. we are from Montreal and my husband bought me tickets for your Burlington show for my birthday. Oh, happy birthday, Melissa.

He's a wonderful whole human being in his own right, but he refuses to let me borrow any of his flannel shirts. I think it's wasteful for me. The crowd. This is a real northern Vermont southern Quebec crowd.

It's like really struck at their core principles. I know. The flannels. I think it's wasteful to buy my own shirt when he has ten of them. I want that flannel, but he's an only child who will not share. Oh, libel. Merci Bacu. Melissa did sign her letter, merci Bocou.

Melissa, are you here? Happy birthday. And your husband, who's a whole wonderful human being in his own right, you failed to name him. Gabriel? Gabriel? Are you Francophones or Anglophones or bifones? I am Francophone. Why don't you want to share your flannel? She's messy.

Do you think that Melissa's estimate of 10 flannels is accurate? Is that high or low? A bit high? A bit high? A bit high? Com bien? Combien! Come bien!

Eight? Seven? Eight. Eight. Ja Cousteau, monsieur. Let me ask the question. With a show of applause. Or how about this?

I shouted, Trey bien. Do people of Northern Vermont and Southern Quebec share or not share, They're flannels with their partners. If you believe yes, now yell tre bien. If you believe non, yell, no. Actually, how about me, no?

I think the trebiennes have it. Trebienes can buy a comfortable margin. Yeah. I'm sorry, Gabrielle. You're sharing your life with someone. I mean, your spouse is going to steal your shirts, especially if they can fit into them, right? I mean, that's part of the pleasure of having a partner in life

is to be able to share shirts, shirt shares, you know? And I'm sorry that Melissa is so messy. Maybe take it easy on the putine when you're wearing Gabriel's flannis. Share that flannel. Now, Judge Hodgman, our first live case of the evening. Please welcome to the stage, Kate and Joel. Kate and Joel, please approach. Kate says her partner,

partner Joel has a mustache, but Joel disagrees. He says, while he does have a beard, he would never sport a mustache. Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Kate and Joel, welcome to my fake court. Nice to see you both. Kate, you think that your partner, Joel, has a mustache. Joel, you say you do not have one.

I am... I am looking at you right now. For those who might be listening, and I'm about done with the gaslighting. I know what I see, which is a full face of facial hair, including under-nostral hair. If that is not a mustache, Joel, what is it?

I prefer to view it as a beard. The full function is a beard. It's part of the beard. Is that what you're trying to say? No, it is actually just a beard. There's no separate mustache. Beards have no constituent parts. Is that what you're arguing?

Right. Like, you wouldn't say that Kate has a mullet. There's no unit. You're saying, no, I wouldn't. There's no unit between beard and hair. I agree with you, Joel, that I would not say that Kate has a mullet. Because for those of you who are listening, I'm looking at Kate right now and she does not have a mullet. It's a specific kind of hairstyle, which is not Kate's.

Yeah, her hairstyle is medium on the top, business in the back. I think it's like, business on the back, Zoom meetings on the top from home, you know. Kate, how did this first come up? Well, he had something in his mustache. What did he have in his mustache? Food. What kind of food? Flannel shirt food.

Flanel shirt? Lasagna? Maybe. I don't recall, Your Honor. Okay. Well, then I rule in Joel's favor. I'm sorry. Specificity is a soul of narrative

and food is in the mustache. I need to know what kind. Was it a chowder, Joel? I'm sorry? Was it a chowder in your mustache? Probably, yes. What's your favorite food? Lazzania.

Lazzania? All right, let's say it was lasagna. It was lasagna. So Joel had a big old square lasagna underneath his nostrils, and you told him, clear it out of your mustache, buddy. Yep. And what happened? He said, I don't have a mustache.

And how did you feel when he told you something was obviously untrue? It's a familiar feeling at this point. Wow. Thanks. Wow. I mean, not from him personally. But I didn't. feel great. I know that I probably bickered with him a little bit about it.

What would you have preferred that Kate say? Beard. You have lasagna in your beard. Why do you hate mustaches so much? I mean, look at me and Jesse. We both have mustaches. Oh, I know. You judge me because my beard doesn't connect with my mustache. Isn't that it? Look at my feeble facial hair. I can barely get the two sides of my mustache to connect to each other in the philtrum between my nose. You judge me, don't you, Joel?

A little bit, maybe. Oh, wow. Why do you not, why do you take this stand that you don't have a mustache? And don't say because I have a beard, Joel. Are you trying to tell me that maybe I have a little biased against mustache's spot? I'm just wondering because...

Yeah, I guess I do have a little bias. Tell me about it. Tell me about it. Tell me about it. His stepdad was Magnum P.I. You know, honestly, back in the 80s, I did think mustaches were pretty great. Yeah, of course they were. Jesse Thorne, did you or did you not co-host a recap podcast of all of the films of Bert Reynolds?

It wasn't quite all of the films of Bert Reynolds, but let's say, The major works. The major works of Burtland. And Jesse, what was the name of that podcast? That was called Stream. Stash Rules Everything Around Me. Oh, cool. One of the best podcast titles of all time.

Kate, have you talked to anyone else about this dispute? Has this come up among your friend group at all? It has. Tell me. Well, I asked my friend Seth, who I would identify as also having a beard and mustache. But he agreed with Joel. He thought the whole thing was a beard.

So Seth agreed with Joel. Joel, are you familiar with the works of the Massachusettsian philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson? No, not at all. Oh, so then you may not be aware of his occasional house guest and deadbeat friend, Henry David Thoreau, who lived in a cabin on the shores of Walden Pond, living the natural life of solitude with nature, unless he got hungry and then walked over to Ralph Waldo Emerson's house and took a pie home with him. Are you familiar, Joel, with the neck beard of Henry David Thoreau and others? Are you familiar with a beard that is just the neck without anything under the nose, much like Henry David Thoreau had?

Sure, yes. Right. So what would you have in the place, the absence place that Henry David Thoreau had bare skin? What would that be? Shaved? No, I mean, but you have something that Henry David Thoreau doesn't have. A companion, for one, at least for now.

Okay. Let me ask you, you thought the beard... Let me ask you, you thought that mustaches were fairly cool in the 80s. But now you clearly don't feel that they're cool. Tell me why. Personally, for me, I would never wear one.

I honestly don't have any problem with anybody else wearing them. Yeah. But what is it? Why do you not even like the term? The term? I'm not saying it. I dislike the term. Joel, you have a mustache.

It's part of your beard. I understand that you feel that way, yes. Oh. I feel like, correct me if I'm wrong, John. I feel like all discourse in the United States about negative social interaction, over the past decade has come to be referred to as gaslighting.

And here we have an actual example. For those of you... I don't have a mustache, he said, using the mouth under his mustache. Kate, do you have any other complaints about Joel before I... Anything to do with mushrooms or butter by any chance?

Oh, yeah, actually, I do. Did you perhaps submit four or five cases? Yes. Yes, Your Honor, I did. Did they all revolve around Joel by any chance? Yes, they did, yes. We've also been in the New York Times magazine. Oh, I settled a dispute of yours between you and Joel?

Which one was that? I don't recall. The tiger birthday. Tiger birthday? Yeah. All right. That does not explain anything to me. Okay. And apparently it was my brain.

It's a legend in our house now, so. All right, we'll look that up online. Okay. So the, two of the other ones involving food were mushrooms. He has to always use the mushroom stems. And I don't like the mushroom stems. They're whittier than the rest of the mushroom. Okay.

So I feel that I'm in my rights to just not use them when I make mushrooms. All right. I'm not trying to make him do that. I understand. I understand. The other one. is that he will put, he really wants to have the butter dish set up so that the paper from the butter is still on the butter

within the butter dish. And then, apparently this is the other thing besides flannel. Oh. It makes sense. It's flannel and dairy. Flannel and dairy. Exactly. I think the audience appreciates the problem with that, Joel,

which is that when the butter gets soft, you can't pull off the paper very well. Is that the issue? That's the issue with me. That's the, that's an issue. His argument, if I remember correctly, is that it keeps the butter dish cleaner. Yeah. And, you know, but also at what cost?

All right. I'm going to make a triptych of rulings right now, swift justice style. First of all, use the stems unless they're woody. There's nothing wrong with those stems. There's a lot of mushroom there. don't waste food. Second of all, take the paper off the butter before you put it in the dish. Third of all,

Joel, you've got a split decision so far. Pro-stem anti-butter paper. Where am I going to land on this beard mustache issue? Somewhere under your nose. I will allow you your delusion. Thank you. Yes. If, sir. If.

You right now come up with a better name for the fur under your nose. We covered that already. It was beard? No. No, sir, no. Because when you're walking around with lasagna in your beard,

that's a whole region of your underface. If you have lasagna in a specific place, Kate needs a region to describe. So there's cheek beard, there's chin beard, there's sole patch beard, there's alternate cheek beard, what is the spot above your lips? Point to it.

No, I want a word. it's you give me a new word or it's mustache all the way home i'm gonna i'm just gonna let you have it it's it's mustache mustache it is thank you kate and joel i was gonna allow kate joel thank you top beard nostril fur any of those will work thank you thank you for being here joel Are you ready for Mega Justice? Let's bring out our litigants. Please welcome to the stage, Lisa and Adrian. Tonight's case, Clutz Action Lawsuit.

Lisa says her husband, Adrian, bonks his head too much. Lisa wants him to be more careful and stop bonking. Or at least, stop sending her photos of his bloodied head. bloodied head. Adrian wants Lisa to accept his clumsiness

and also to dress his wounds. Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference. They want you to feel powerless and to surrender

and to let them trample everything. and you are not going to let them. You are not giving up, and neither am I. The fact that we cannot save everything does not mean that we cannot save anything. And everything we can save is worth saving. You may need to grieve or scream or take time off, but you have a role no matter what.

And right now, good friends and good principles are worth gathering in. Remember what you love. Remember what loves you. Remember in this tide of hate what love is. The pain you feel is because you keep bonking your head all the time. Bail of Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants. Lisa and Adrian, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? So help you, God, or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that I'm the one who's six foot four, which is the mathematically perfect height for hitting your head on . I do.

I do. Because if you're taller, you see it coming. Shouldn't you be able to avoid it? No, because it's right here. It hits you right here. You think you're safe. You think, I'm just a medium tall person, you think. You think you're the height of your own eyes.

Yeah. But then it turns out, you got a hell of a dome. You just got clipped. On your top head. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Lisa and Adrian, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors.

Can either of you name a piece of culture that I referenced and quoted directly until the last sentence? Lisa, do you want to guess first? Well, it was a very beautiful and meaningful quote, and I did have a pre-prepared guess. Let's hear it.

It's kind of fitting, but it's, I said Star Wars. It was my... It could work. It could work. Let's do this family feud. style, do I see Star Wars? Could be Star Wars.

Could be Star Wars. We'll keep it up on the board. Okay. Adrian, are you thinking clearly today? I do believe I have an answer. Yes, I think it sounds very much like the second episode of Harold and the Purple Crayon. Second, that's a book, first of all.

There's a children's TV show. Oh, there's a children's TV show. Okay. All right. Let's put it up in the bar and find out. Do I see Harold and the Purple Crayon's second episode? Augustes are wrong. I'm so sorry.

That was actually a quote from the writer Rebecca Solnit from a post that she posted this morning. And that my adult daughter forwarded to me and it made me feel better. So I wanted to share it with all of you. Not just my, our adult daughter anyway. So let's move on. about bonging your head, obviously, but this is. Are you from Burlington? We live in Massachusetts. I did go to college

in Middlebury, and I hung out in the 80s. I was here a lot. Don't worry. They don't hate you. This isn't Maine. This is Vermont. I'm sure there's some rivalry, but... I love Burlington. Thank you for being here. So, Adrian, Lisa says that you bonk your head too much on things. How often

how often are you bonking? What do we talking about? More than once a week? Not more. Not more than once a week, no. Maybe once a month. And what part of Vermont is your accent from? I grew up in a little town, a little ways from here. But I've been over here for 30 years, so I'm practically a native, I promise you. All they care about is does he have a passport and are you going back? See how tonight turns out, Your Honor. Where, where? Oh, tonight's the deciding factor? where are you from originally i'm from a town called derby or derby as it would be

derby in england yeah right yeah exactly and you're like well things didn't go so well that one night i'll just see let's see how the judge john hodgeman show goes before i make a final decision a lot riding on it all right so you bonk your head from time to time describe some of the bonging situations oh i i usually walk into things um i'm sure my my wife will have have a few more descriptions as we go through. Typically, I'll walk into things. Well, because she does all the mental load and keeps track of everything for you.

Or you don't remember the bongs because you're bonging so hard. Clearly, you'll learn that as we go through this evening. All right, I see. He takes off his shirt. It's covered in tattoos designed to remind him of things. Yeah.

Mostly walking into things, but they are'd fall. What kind of, like, are you walking into, like, trees, beams, doors. Classic bonging material. We have our stair, our basement stairs at home of a very low corner piece. We've been in the house 15 years, and I think still. In another 15 years probably. Once every couple of months, I bang my head on it.

I put padding on it on that. Okay. John, every time he goes into the basement, it's a real bonk adventure. Yeah, there you go. And it's drawing blood from time to time? From time to time, yes. I see. Copious amounts from time to time.

Copious amounts. have you all have you always been I don't know another word for it but like clumsy or just head clumsy tall what is your what is your height if I may ask six one six one and yeah that's pretty tall definitely taller than me and and do you have have you have you always hit your head on stuff no I feel like it's a fairly I think it's started maybe around 15 years ago my wife and I have been together about 15 years those are just two separate facts that really

I mean anyone draw any conclusions there might be okay I mean the reality is that before 15 years ago there's no one who can testify to whether Lisa Adrian just accused you and your marriage of being cause of bonging and now you hit the crux of the problem oh I'm glad to get it

because you have a folio of paper I won't use it right now. I really suspect there is subliminal intent behind his head hitting because it seems to occur when I've asked him to do something like, oh, put your shoes back, or can you help me with this or fix that? And then all of a sudden there's blood and head hitting and can't do it anymore and I have to hire a professional sometimes. To put his shoes back? No, no, no. It depends on the job. Depends on the job. And it's not always the head. I mean, it can be like gashes or, or, you know, if he's cooking, he'll cut his finger almost off.

I don't know. It's just, and it's just, and the other issue is that I am by nature very squeamish. I don't like blood. I skipped biology when I was young. It's that bad. But then he seems to have fun kind of like whatever's bleeding. Like he sent me a photo. It's okay.

No, you may hand that over to me. You can share it with me. The fro in the photo is not related to that head injury. That's a separate thing. What is a separate thing? That frow. In Vermont, I guess you guys must know what a frow is. Yes?

I didn't know until we got a frow. In any case, I spent a lot of time worrying. What's a frow? Well, in Vermont, it's certainly not an African-American haircut. Oh, no. I apologize. It's F-R-O-E. F-R-O-E.

It's a kind of tool. It's a tool that splits wood. A wood-splitting tool called a frow. And what did you do with the frow? How did you get that into your head? That was not my head. Why am I looking into this picture of this fro? No, so that...

What is this? This is my only little evidence picture page. I know, but you made it. Why is there a picture of a throw here? Because it's a different incident. I mean, so the frow was involved when he got the fro. He gets really sharp things. He leaves exactile blades all over the place, but the frow he bought.

I'm like, you really need to be careful with that fro. You're going to cut yourself on that fro. And he's like, oh, no, I'm not going to do that. And then he went out to chop that. Actually, you weren't. You were just picking it up. You were just picking it up. To use the frow.

Well, no, not the frow. You say yes, I say no. He didn't realize it would be so sharp. Anyway, then he ran to me. Did you pick it up by the blade? Apparently I did, yeah. What do you mean, apparently? Let me see your hands.

Not my best move, it's still scarred. You can see it down there. Wow. Yeah, that's pretty deep. So the fro has nothing to do with this gash in his forehead that is bleeding in this photo that you've shared. I'm not going to, we don't have projection here, so I'm not going to share it with you. That was a head hitting incident. That is a head hitting incident.

On a beam when he was fixing something. Right. Wait, can I clarify something? Was the issue that whenever you print something out, a fro with a bloody hand appears on end? That's scary. Is this an elevated horror film, ma'am? It's pretty A-24 horror over there.

I was just sort of grouping my evidence together on the same page to be efficient. Fine. Look, you did a wonderful job. The evidence of serious gravity here is this photo that you have, taking of yourself in a mirror of a fairly nasty looking gash in your head. Yes. And then there's a photo, a screenshot of your phone. Adrian has texted this photo to you with the caption, and I'll hand this to Jesse,

just another day for your adorable husband. Wow. It's a lot of blood. I maybe did not think that one through. Hold on because, John, you... Are you thinking through the... the other ones? I have a feeling I might be as the evening

doesn't like this. John, you left out part of the dialogue that is absolutely essential to capturing the spirit of this screen cap that we've been handed. There's the picture of the horrible blood pouring down his head. Yeah. Then

it says, just another day for your adorable husband emoji. Then she replies, why did you do that? That's a good question, and I'll allow it. Why did you do that, Adrian?

It's a two-part question. Three, actually. What did you do to your head? Explain what happened, if you remember. Second part, excuse me, sir. I'm sorry. Sorry, Your Honor. Then why did you do it?

And then more, why did you send this photo to Lisa since you know that she's squeamish about blood? The first two I think I can answer. Very good. I was, as always, so I do a lot of stuff around the house. All right, that's all I needed to hear, thank you. Whether it's fixing things, running around, chopping things, whatever it might be. On that particular occasion...

Picking up blades with your bare hands. So I'm in the process of turning our garage into a woodworking shop. This does not sound wise. I was up a ladder and worked trying to hang some drywall on a beam that runs through the garage and I maybe was a little too far up the ladder

and maybe leaning across a little too far and kind of lost touch with the ladder and on my way down happened to hit my head on the beam that I was hanging the sheet rack on. Quite simple really. Did you need stitches? I can't tell you.

I never need, I think only once I've needed You never need stitches? He does need them, but it avoids it at all costs and we'll bleed a lot instead. And I'll be wrapping things around. You're building a workshop, a woodworking shop.

And you said garage, but I say garage. Thank you. I am warming to you. Lisa, how do you feel about woodworking? What kind of What kind of tools are you going to have in your woodworking shop?

Oh, well, I have the tools. I just didn't have the shop. Hand tools only. Not electric band saws. I do have a band saw, on the table saw, and all that. I know. I trust it more with the power tools than I do with the hand tools. For some reason, he seems a lot more lax with the hand tools.

Is that true? Do you take more care with the power tools than the hand tools? I think so, yes. Yeah. Okay. John, this is a safety area. He's building this. Any time he spends in the wood shop,

it's time he doesn't spend in his private abattoir. So you haven't answered yet why you send these photos when you know, or do you know, you're not learning just now that it upsets your wife. Yeah, this is where I feel like I'm on the back foot, just a little. Don't fall over. Her reaction,

As the night goes on, you might hear one of her squeals, and it's quite a squeal. And if, I guess it's kind of cool. Can I interject? You may, give me a moment just to process what I just do. All right, now you may entertain. I could just say ask him about his childhood, if you would. All allow it? Adrian, tell me about your childhood.

It was a long time ago. He was the youngest, much younger. Of how many? He had two older brother and sister. His parents were exhausted. Didn't pay much attention. I mean, loved him very much. Exhausted, though.

And his older siblings teased him a lot. And I think to him, I'm both like the younger sibling. He never had. add to Teaves. Oh. And also in return. So I'm also ridiculously, like, nurturing. And when he gets wounded, as much as I hate it and I hate the blood, well, part of

is I just want to cover up the blood. But I will go to all ends of the earth to, like, you know, run, get band-aids, disinfected and quickly, quickly. And he seems to just sit there in a very relaxed fashion, enjoying me running around, trying to find things to stop the bleeding. And so it's a mixed thing. So he tortures me and then I nurse him and then I kiss his boo-boo and

I should, I'm doing all the wrong things. I realize that. I'm enabling him. Or it's just sexy role play. No, no, because I'm also really annoyed. Then I also get angry because I don't like blood and it makes me angry. So if he gets a wide range of reactions

and they're real, they're real reactions. I'm going to ask you, I'll remind you you're under fake oath. So answer yes or no only, please. Do you send photos of your wounds because you know and enjoy the fact that it freaks Lisa out? Remember where you're talking about the little screams? Yes, Your Honor. I appreciate that. And do you enjoy her ministering to your wounds?

Yes, Your Honor. Yeah. And Lisa, you say that you're squeamish, but you've mentioned. squeamish, but you've managed to keep him patched up and together without stitches. I mean, you're good at it. Yeah, I have another example. It's not blood, so he was going down the stairs to put his shoes back. And instead of hitting his head, he slipped and fell.

And next thing I know, he's running upstairs with his pinky finger bent 90 degrees the wrong way. And he's like, look at this. And I'm like, ha! So it's truly, for me, it's an attempt to just stop, you know, the distortion and whatever. So I'm very crafty and I like working with metal, so I run to my craft shop. And I'm like forging him this splint because we had no splints. What the hell is going on in Massachusetts? So I'm like, I run it back.

I put this split. Anyway, by the time he got to the emergency room, because it actually was bad. His doctor thought I was a medical professional. He was very impressed with my splint. Honestly, the more you've made out of wrought iron. So, yeah, I mean, maybe for me it is a, I'm quietly satisfied by my ability to nurse said wounds and so forth. You describe three categories of Adrian's injuries. I did.

Would you like to list the categories or shall I? You can, if you like. Okay, because I have them right now. Yes, go for it. Injuries that happen when I've asked him to do something. Yes, just most of them. Put your shoes away, for example. Injuries that add an element of romance while I dress his wound.

And third category, injuries that happen after I've warned him. Thus the fro. That's where the fro comes in. Yeah. Oh, did you warn him not to grab his fro by the blade? I just said, stay away from the fro. And he didn't stay away. And he didn't stay away from him.

Adrian, are these categories fair? Yes. I believe so. I believe so. Lisa, you want me to rule that Adrian exercise more caution. Do you think that that's even possible? I realize that's asking a lot. So I understand that is an unrealistic request, that particular one.

But at least maybe don't bleed in my direction. that would be great. Like, so that if he hurts himself, he should not come to you for primary care or send photos. Yeah. Because it makes you uncomfortable. Yeah, because, well, and it's a little, it's disproportionate because when I get injured, I'm very self-sufficient.

I take care of myself, but there was one time that I sprayed myself in the eye with poison, Ivy killer. I was holding, you know, those automatic ones. Anyway, I got my eye, and it hurt. And I said, please go get the eye wash. And then, so when I get hurt. hurt, he runs around like a chicken with its head cut off. And it's like, where do I go? Where do I go? What do I do?

And I'm like, it's in the closet on the first shelf. Is he, does he have the fro by the, by the blade? And he's gesturing around the house with it, knocking things over on to his own head, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk. A cans of cream corn coming down. Okay, maybe not that bad. But I mean, no, he honestly, in these occasions, will even like, fall or hit his head looking for what I need him to, like, help me with.

If I'm bleeding, because I, anyway, And so by the time he runs down to say he couldn't find the eyewash, which was exactly where I said it was, I had already stuck my head in a bucket that was in the basement of water. So I'd just manage it myself. So if it was equal, right? If I got injured and he did the same for me, I might not be here. Honestly, I'm just listening to this and thinking about the fact that you have industrial safety equipment in your home. In every closet, there's like, that's one of those fire extinguery. for chemical fires only.

He's got a wood shop and she's got a full blacksmith operation. He got to have an eye wash. Adrian, do you think that this is something that you could, with a little extra care, stop from happening as often? I'm not sure I could, Your Honor. It's his passion. I don't wake up every day thinking I think I'm going to bonk my head today. but

why not there seems to be precedent I I run around a lot I do a lot of things and sometimes things get in the way whether that's my head or my hand or something else what do you what do you

what would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor um just maybe a little more understanding on that front that I'm bringing a lot to the relationship with the things that I do

this is starting and in the process of bringing those things doing the work taking my shoes downstairs making nice furniture for the living room sure I might have a little accident along the way but I'm not sitting on the couch watching football every Sunday is it true that he's a handy woodworker when he's not injuring himself you have some beautiful bloodstained furniture that he's made for you

I haven't seen any furniture yet have you made the furniture yet I hear talk of the furniture. What are you working on? Our entire entertainment, I'm sorry. Our entire entertainment center I apologize. He did make a nice entertainment center. Yes, he did.

That was a while ago. I forgot. And what kind of, what kind of, you mean like maybe 1997 when people had entertainment settings in their house? That's true. Good point. Thank you. What kind of wood did you make the entertainment center out of?

That's out of cherry. Cherry would. It demands a blood sacrifice, Cherry. It does. And it's good to hand-split it first with a fro. Yeah. John, everything that Adrian just said sounded basically like this to me.

Hey, so I do a lot of things around the house. I've been to be running around, and if something should get run into? So I'm thinking maybe, Lisa, you should buy some insurance. Yeah. By the way, Jesse, your English accent is getting really good. Thank you. Yeah.

I felt like home. If a wound might get opened. All right, I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I am going to descend into my chambers. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Lisa, how are you feeling about your chances in the case right now?

I think pretty good as far as the bleeding portion goes. I would think he'd have sympathy for me on that one based on what I've heard him rule in the past. If I don't like things, then he shouldn't, you know, make me try. It seems like a big piece of this could end up being whether Judge Hodgman knows that you just mount TVs on the wall now. Adrian, how are you feeling about your chances?

I'm not feeling great. I think I was on the back foot from the start. or the front foot head over heels and then yeah yeah well we'll see what judge hodgeman has to say about all this judge hodgeman has to say about all this judge hodgeman we're taking a break from the stage at the higher ground ballroom what's going on with you well as you may know jesse i am recording right now from my summer chambers

up here in the state of Maine, specifically WERUFM 89.9 on your FM dial in Orland, Maine. And if you're not in Orlando, Maine, you can get it throughout the world at WERU.org. You may know, and if you don't, please do know that we are in the midst of WERU's pledge drive. WERU is a wonderful community supported and community programmed station. It's one of the last true free-form stations that I'm aware of in the North East or the United States. A third of its budget is being lost due to Congress defunding the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

It's hard times for community radio stations all around the country. WERU is no exception. It also happens to be a really fun place that programs, some really indispensable, not only music, but news and community information. So I hope you will check out the station, wERU.org. It's a lot of fun to listen to. If you know Joel, the main man, man, I'd say hi, Joel. Hello.

Yep. You'll know that he's been a staple of our program for almost a decade now, and we could not do the show without his support and WERU's support. I hope you will offer them your support if you can. Also, I'd like to remind you that a friend of the court, Margaret Grace Myers, has written in wonderful history and fascinating and upsetting and truly interesting history of sex education in America. It's called the Fight for Sex Ed, the Century Long Battle between Truth and Doctrine,

and it's available very shortly wherever books are sold. August 12th, 2025 Beacon Press brings it to your bookstore and libraries. The Fight for Sex Ed by Margaret Grace Myers, check it out. Jesse Thorne, what's going on in your world? There are two great interviews on Bullseye with Jesse Thorne this week, one with the great punk rock band, Pupp, and one with Akiva Schaffer, who is, of course, a member of the Lonely Island, but also, more importantly and more timely Lee,

He is the director of the new Naked Gun movie, which is hilarious. I hear that's a very funny movie. Comedy's back in theaters, everyone. Also the director of Pop Star, Never Stop, Never Stop, which you haven't, if you haven't seen as one of the five or ten funniest movies of the last 20 years. Just a hilarious, hilarious movie. So go listen to that interview with Akiva Schaffer. I also have been pouring new items into the Put This On Shop.

at put this on shop.com. So I hope that you will all go and check out, put this on. You'll get ready for your autumn with items from the Put This On shop. We've got all kinds of clothes and gifts and vintage and antique items and all kinds of just amazing, awesome stuff. So go to Put Thisonshop.com. We actually still have a few, a few of our New York state of mind and California sole baseball caps, which are handmade in Pennsylvania, one at a time by a one human being, and are absolutely gorgeous leather bands, leather size adjusters made of wolf flannel, and you can find them right there at put this on shop.com. There's only a couple left of each one. I'll just repeat. Put This Onshop.com.

Go check it out. Let's get back to Burlington, Vermont. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. Just standing up, I got a terrible head rush. Lisa and Adrienne I have really enjoyed hearing about the strange, sexy, silent comedy life you have in your extremely dangerous house in Massachusetts.

And I do sympathize as someone who has bonged my head plenty of times without even being particularly tall. And I don't, you know, I don't mind being taken care of when I am feeling ill or poorly by the person I love. the most in life and share my life with my wife was a whole human being in her own right she hates it and refuses to do it i don't mind putting it out of there i think she would agree if i get sick she gets mad at me i can see it yeah she's really cool she really is she really is it is a it is a pleasure to be doted upon when you are bleeding as it is also i trust a

to dote upon the person that you love and not hurt yourself while trying to flush their eyes out of poison ivy poison or whatever it is put in their in leases eye when our children were growing up they had accidents and our rule in the house was hey accidents happen have less of them make it happen less pay more attention And that didn't change anything, but I still think that when one knows that one is a little bit clumsy or moves too fast or what have you, that they should exercise care. Because there could very well be a time when you injure yourself that it is not simply something that can be treated with, I think you said, tissue paper? Okay, I don't know what's going on in the first aid kits in England. but we use tissue paper to line gift bags not to stop bleeding

there might come a time when you have an injury that Lisa can't help you with and obviously it's already happened you had to go to the emergency room which is time consuming and expensive and traumatic and you shouldn't visit this stuff upon the person that you love that said I think for you it's going to happen

both out of a natural clumsiness and stubbornness. I'm a little concerned about the way you're sitting on this stool right now. Quite honestly, a little too jaunty for me. I'm a little afraid that I'm going to collapse beneath both of you simultaneously and then a chick-it-way-the-thead because I was going to run around the stage and someone's going to start playing yakety-sacks, the Benny Hill theme. That might be a little bit beyond your control, though I do. in a friendly manner order you

to try to take some extra care especially since like me your time moves in one direction and you're getting older and your coordination is going to diminish as compromised as it already is it's going to get worse one thing that I do think that I can order without

reservation is don't tease your wife with pictures of your wounds I'm sorry it's mean to her my wife who is a whole human being in her own right also is squeamish around blood and really really upsets her

so I would not send her a picture of say the wound I have when I ran into a wall and busted my head open I didn't show it to her I didn't demand help from her I simply caught my daughter's friend

to drive me to the hospital because she had her driver's license Scars, like, the one that I have on my forehead are very, I mean, when they last, you're lucky that you don't have a scar, but do you have one? Oh, yeah, there's one there. Oh, okay. Well, you should be embarrassed about that. It is, to me, a reminder of poor decision-making that embarrasses me every time I look in the mirror, you know. But that said, since you know that Lisa doesn't enjoy the pictures of the wounds, you have to find your kink elsewhere.

And not send her that stuff and not tease her and not provoke a response, especially if you wanted to take care of you. Can I just get one clarification, Judge? You may. Only when there's blood involved or any kind of injury. And broke. All body horror. Yeah, Cronenberg.

What if I'm turning into a fly? Yeah, don't stick any video cassettes into your abdomen or anything either. And some deeper cuts out there. Okay, I like it. In any case, keep your blood to yourself and do take care of yourself and continue to take care of each other as you do so well. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge Sean Hodgman rules that is all.

Thank you, Lisa and Adrian. That's it for this episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you to Reddit user S.J. Hamilton 43 for naming the case in this episode. You can follow us on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman, where we post evidence and pictures of pets and dank memes and other good things. Clips from the show. Polls and quizzes even. Yeah, sometimes polls and quizzes. We're on YouTube and TikTok at Judge John Hodgman podcast.

where you can watch video from the show, a great place to go and smash those like and subscribe buttons. If you're looking for somewhere to go and smash like and subscribe buttons, can I recommend YouTube and TikTok? Yeah, Judge John Hodgman Pod. The Judge John Hodgman podcast created by John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne. This episode was recorded by Matthew Barnhart. Hey, Maddie.

Dan Telfer is our social media manager, AJ McKean, our podcast editor, Daniel Spears. Our video editor, our producer is Jennifer Marmer, and we will talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman. podcast.