Judge John Hodgman - Krispy Kreme and Punishment

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

Cutting donuts in half: Yes or no? The answer is tearing a family apart! Steven and sister-in-law Jess say there is nothing worse than a box of donut pieces. Joanna and brother-in-law Owen say that no one should be compelled to eat an entire donut! Who's right? Who's wrong?We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman.Thanks to reddit user u/taako-salad for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at maximumfun.reddit.com!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bill of Jesse Thorne. This week, Krispy Kreme and punishment. Stephen and his sister-in-law, Jess, bring the case against their significant others, Joanna and Owen. When someone brings a box of donuts to the office, Joanna and Owen like to cut off a small piece instead of taking the entire donut. Stephen and Jess

think this is criminal. There's nothing worse than a box full of donut pieces. Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle, it's called heroic? Yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder. Bail of Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in.

Stephen and Jess, Joanna and Owen, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God or whatever. Yes, I do. Yes. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that if he was at work

and saw a box of donuts, he would probably just crinkle up his nose and walk past it towards the gin? I do. Yes, I do. Sure. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. They don't bring enough gin to office parties,

that's what I have to say. Office break They don't bring enough gin to office parties. That's what I have to say. Office break rooms don't have enough gin in them. The all-staff meeting doesn't have enough gin. Oh, and Joanna, Stephen, and Jess, you all may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours' favors. Can any of the four of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom? There was an awkward pause there because I was trying to figure out how we were going to do this.

Because this is a complicated one. I mean, we really need a bulletin board with a bunch of red threads connecting your index cards. Because we got, and people who are watching on the YouTube, they can see this. We got, from my left to my right, we got Owen, Joanna, Stephen, and Jess. And Owen and Jess are married. And Joanna and Stephen are married. And yet, Stephen, oh, and Jess and Joanna are siblings. And yet, Stephen and Jess are a raid against Owen and Joanna. What a rom-com this is.

Maybe French farce or something. I don't know. Judge Hadron, they're very small on my screen, and I've already decided not to be able to tell them apart. That's fine. That's fine. But we'll give each of them a chance to speak now, so maybe our listeners can determine what their voices sound like. Each of them will get a guess and we'll start.

Well, I was going to start with you, Owen, but I forgot, there's also Baby Violet in the studio. It was Owen and Jess'll start. Well, I was going to start with you, Owen, but I forgot there's also Baby Violet in the in the studio. It was Owen and Jess's child who was seven weeks old, which is a first. We've never had a seven week old child in the courtroom before. So let's see how it goes. We usually have to have twins like on Full House. Yeah. Because of labor law. One of them has to be tutored while the other one is acting. Yep. Owen, you were checking the baby.

Baby Violet is okay? Yep. What's your guess? I don't know. So I'm going to guess Lord of the Rings Extended Edition. Lord of the Rings Extended Edition. L-O-T-R-X-E is what I'm writing down, even though it's wrong. Joanna, what's your guess? I'm going to guess that it's from an Agatha Raisin mystery novel.

I'm going to go ahead and say number seven. Wait a minute, did we skip? Did we go into an alternate reality all of a sudden? Agatha Raisin, what's that? It's a book series that Stephen and I have started listening to to fall asleep. All right. You represent one side of the case, Owen and Joanna. You are the donut cutters, correct?

I just want to get this imprinted into my brain. Yes. Yes. All right. And we'll explain what that means in a moment. But moving on to the donut non-cutters, I'm going to throw in a wild card because I had another great cultural reference. And speaking of cutters, I'm going to throw that one in too because it's it's everything here is so because we have a baby in the

courtroom might as well do some nutty stuff here's another one here's another cultural reference for you this one featuring cutters these college kids out there they're never gonna get older out of shape because new ones come along every year and they're gonna keep calling us cutters to them it's just a dirty word to me it's something else I never got a chance to be. Oh, love these cultural references, John. You're pandering directly to me. I know you got both of them, Jesse.

I know you have both of them hard, but now it's Steven's turn, or Steve. I was invited to call him Steve if I wanted to, so let's go, Stevie. That's the one that hurts the most. Um. That's the cut, that's the cut that cuts the deepest cutter. Non-cutter.

You know, I got no idea on either one. So the last one made me think it's got to be something sports related. Yeah, that's fair. How about something sports related? I'll put that down. Yeah, we'll go with that. Name a sports related thing, please. Oh, oh. It's a movie. It's a sports related thing, please. Oh, oh. It's a movie. It's a movie, sports related movie.

Okay, the movie Draft Day? Is that a movie? Draft Day starring Griffin Newman of Blankchick. I'm writing it down. As wrong as it might be. And finally, we come all the way now to Jess, also known as Jessica, mother of baby Violet, spouse of Owen.

I'm just doing this to get this cemented into my brain. And now you've heard three guesses that are all wrong. So that's three things that you can eliminate from the entire universe of words. SHANNON COFFEY LAUGHS You've heard two cultural references. They are both from movies. Race Day, I don't know what race day.

I like that one. Honestly, for a new parent of a seven week old, I'm gonna give some grace to race day. And I'm gonna say that's an honorary win. I gotta say from now on, as far as I'm gonna give some grace to Race Day. And I'm gonna say that's an honorary win. I'm gonna say from now on, as far as I'm concerned, if you can generate a high-quality movie title from an alternate universe version of Seinfeld, like Race Day, then you win.

Yeah. Jennifer Marmor's with me. She's nodding up and down. She knows about Seinfeld movie titles. Anyway, I give you credit for Race Day. That was pretty good. All guesses are technically wrong. However, I was looking for either Breaking Away, which is the bicycling movie about cutters. Or a really, really wonderful movie, which, which we've talked about a lot and another movie, which talked about a lot, which stands the test of time, Wayne's World.

Now, if I understand correctly, Steven and Jess, siblings-in-law, you bring the case against Owen and Joanna. What is the nature of the justice or injustice that you seek me to address? Well, I initially brought the case against my beautiful wife, Joanna, and I sought an injunction that you judge in your honor would decide that she cease splitting shareable foodstuffs in

a workplace environment, any sort of shared environment. This came up because of donuts, correct? So we were at a party. What kind of party, sir? Like a Yule Tide party, Christmas time party. Sure, sure. A pagan festival. Yeah, any number of things were being observed.

That's why I started with Yule Tide, but yes, the changing of the seasons. A holiday festival in Maryland. In Maryland. Which is where you are. There was a plate of cookies, and I made a comment aloud to other party goers, and I said, I'm really proud of everyone at this party

that we don't have a bunch of halves and thirds of cookies on this plate. If someone wants a cookie, they're taking a whole cookie. Now, before you said this at the party, did you do one of these? Everybody, everyone be quiet. I want to say something I'm proud of at Yuletide. No one messed up the cookies for once. It was less formal. Steven out.

Less formal than that. More of an offhand comment to two or three people. But then overheard, it became a conversation among a group of even five or six perhaps. Your offhand comment got out of hand. Well, I felt like it was mostly in hand, but then my wife observed the conversation that was going on. Excuse me, your beautiful wife, Joanna, as you said before.

That's usually how I refer to her, yes. Please use the proper nomenclature from now on. your beautiful wife, Joanna, as you said before. That's usually how I refer to her, yes. That is. Mm-hmm. Please use the proper nomenclature from now on. Yes, your honor. So my beautiful wife joined in the conversation. Joanna. Joanna. She joined in the conversation. She has a name.

She has a name, sir. Yeah. Your beautiful wife, Joanna, joined in the conversation. Yes, and... And what did your beautiful wife, Joanna, say joined in the conversation. Yes. And? And what did your beautiful wife, Johanna, say? Well, people were complaining. I can say what I said because I joined in because Steve, I actually overheard him say, I hate those people.

People who split cookies. And so then I joined in the conversation by saying, your wife, your beautiful wife, is one of those people. Joanna, you. Yeah. Oh, he's one of those people. Yeah.

So what do you have to say to that? And that's when you filed for divorce, isn't it? Now, on the spot. That's when you split the cookie of your marriage. Yeah. Well, and you know, we handled it in the moment or so I thought to a degree, and then we came home. And the following day we're sharing this disagreement with our cohabitants in Long.

Yeah. Now let's be clear. Owen and Jess are married. Yes. Stephen, you are married to your beautiful wife, Joanna. Yes, that's correct. Joanna is a sibling to your beautiful sister, Jess. And you all live together under one roof. Yes.

In a situation comedy called Your Life. Yes. Correct. So you went back to speak to your cohabitants. Yes. And what happened then, Stephen? Well, and as I noted in the initial filing of the case, they were split within the marriage as well on this issue. And the lines on which we are split, I would say, are pretty

unusual for our cohabitation unit. All right, we'll get into why it's atypical, but the line as far as I understand it is, that Stephen, you and your sister-in-law Jess, believe that cookies, donuts, and other communal treats at a party should not be cut. Anything that is a, would be considered a single serve unit. So, donut, cookie. This is Jess speaking right now,

for those listening, yeah. Cup So, donut, cookie. Right now, for those listening. Cupcake, muffin, those items, not to be split. Things like a cake, obviously you can't eat an entire cake or if you can, congrats to you. Yeah. But that would be a lot. I would not choose to, but I- I would not expect someone to take-

I defend my ability to do it if I have to. Yes, I would expect someone to take like a slice of a cake, but not to break what would be considered an individual item. Jesse Thorne and I are both prepared to take the Matilda challenge. Eat that whole piece of cake in front of the whole class. Eat that whole cake.

Show the trunchbull. We'll show that trunchbull. I raised my hand, Your Honor. It might be helpful with floor. You've certainly spoken quite a bit. I'm a rambler. I just want to make sure to add into our case that it's not just you shouldn't split food anywhere, anytime.

It's especially when it's a communal environment, like a party with over 10 people or a workplace. So if you have cookies at home, if you have a sleeve of cookies at home, it's OK to eat half of one of those cookies. Absolutely. But when they're out on a plate at a party, it's not OK to eat half of one of those cookies. I would side eye someone taking half of an an Oreo out of the sleeve and leaving like the cookie but taking the frosting.

That's not to say that wouldn't happen in our house because we also have a four-year-old. But generally, like splitting a food in a household, I will side eye, but I'm not going to go to battle over it. It's mainly in a setting, I will side eye, but I'm not going to go to battle over it. It's mainly in a setting where there is more than your cohabitants. Yeah, we're not trying to go into other people's households

and say no splitting. I felt like leave the cookie, take the frosting was sort of where The Godfather 3 went wrong for me. Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Three went wrong for me. Take the cooking, leave the frosting, jump the shark, hire your daughter. That was the full line from the Godfather Three, which was a weird line, very self-referential. But it was meta. We used to love meta in those days. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorn. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant, Kraft.

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spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Joanna then, let me ask you, you are in favor, here's the question. If presented with a box of donuts, what is your preference to do with those donuts in a communal setting? Probably take half of a donut.

And why? I don't have a very big sweet tooth and I will say a crispy cream, I will take a whole crispy cream because they're basically air. But like- And they're little. But most often it's Dunkin' Donuts

and it can get kind of heavy for me. So I just would prefer to take half of a donut. What donut would you split? Would you split, I mean, obviously you would split a regular toroid donut that has a hole in the middle, but what if it's like a jelly donut or a Boston cream? Would you cut that in half? No, I wouldn't cut that in half.

That's too messy. Yeah, because gross. Yeah. Okay, gotcha. But my favorite donut is also a sour cream donut. And typically there's only like one in the box. And so I also feel like I'm being helpful because of somebody else also like sour cream donuts that I'm left like leaving them.

What else do they make donuts out of in Maryland? You don't, you've never had a sour cream donut? I've never heard of that before. Is this very common? I think they just use like how you use sour cream in baking sometimes. Like they just use sour cream in the baking of the donut. The main ingredient is still sugar.

Don't worry. Yeah. So they're like, they're like, But it's not like you got a big, a big gooey pocket of sour cream. No, no, not at all. Judge Haschmann, I don't even acknowledge baked donuts, to be honest with you. If you're not gonna fry it, don't bother. Yeah, I hear what you're saying, absolutely.

Owen, do you actually have an opinion on this or are you just sitting on that side of the table? Well, it's funny because I wanna clarify something. I would never split a donut, but that's cause I eat them in an average of two. Yeah, he eats a lot. So it's not really a concern. So why are you sitting on the other side of the table

with your beautiful sister-in-law, Joanna, and against your beautiful wife, Jess. Well, it's the principle of the thing. I think that people should have the freedom to take fractions of donuts or other pastries without being judged over it. Even in a communal setting? Well, I guess they can be judged, but they have that right.

They shouldn't be told to stop, I think is what Owen's saying. There are no communal settings in America, John. It says it in the Constitution. All right. So Jess, that's your husband speaking, your beautiful husband. Tell me why it's not okay to split a donut in a communal setting. I mean, I feel like Joanna's argument,

your beautiful sister Joanna's argument is pretty well considered that if there's one sour cream donut in the box, why not leave some behind for someone else to taste if they ever were curious about this new iteration of donut? Seems to be pretty generous, honestly. I think a lot of it comes down to when I was working in a large corporate setting

and you'd get like the instant message, oh, there's Donuts in the break room. You're like, oh, great, I'm gonna go over after I finish this call and grab one. And you go over and it's just a box that has the nasty ones remaining and then halves of things. And there's maybe like one like tier three donut remaining. And at that point it's just like, well am I being wasteful by And at that point, it's just like, well, am I being wasteful by not taking any of this? Like, these all look like they've been picked over. And also just not seeing how the donuts are distributed.

I don't trust that everyone properly sanitized their hands or took a splitting instrument to divide the object. A donut splitting instrument like an adze or a hatchet? Yes, just hatchet through the break room table. Judge Hodgman, you and I both know that all donuts are split with a sad white plastic knife. It's true, it's true. That somehow bends in all directions.

Jess, what would you say are the tiers of donuts? Here we go. This is my question. Thank you, Bailiff Jessie. My favorite go-to is a double chocolate. So it's like a chocolate cake donut with chocolate icing. That's like tier one for me. And the glaze. Yeah, well, yeah, it's glazed too.

You're getting a Mezza Mezza a Metsa Metsa hand signal from Bailiff, Jesse Thorne on that one. Not fried. Yeah. So that's my top one. People like what they like. My mid-tier is anything that's like, kind of a cake donut with a frosting and sprinkle.

So that... A home-made donut. Yeah, like a normal, like strawberry frosted, chocolate frosted, vanilla frosted, they're kind of tier two. Tier three, it's old-fashioned. I'm sorry. Like when I... Whoa. When I want a donut, I want something sweet

to counter the coffee that it's normally paired with. So I won't put sugar in my coffee because I'm getting the sugar from the donut. An old fashioned donut is perfect with coffee. I don't know what you're talking about. May I say that was just then beautiful wife Joanna and whole human being in her own right, by the way. CHIMING IN WITH THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH

An old fashioned donut, a fried old fashioned donut dipped in coffee the absolute truth. An old-fashioned donut, a fried old-fashioned donut, dipped in coffee, even I, a person without a sweet tooth, will delight in that from time to time, Jess. Also, what kind of madness is it to suggest that an old-fashioned donut is not sweet? Steven, how did this living arrangement come about? Tasked again with explaining, I'm gonna get accused of being wordy. You know what? I'm gonna take it away from you. Not sweet. Stephen, how did this living arrangement come about?

Tasked again with explaining. I'm going to get accused of being wordy. You know what? I'm going to take it away from you. Thank you. Owen, we haven't heard enough from you. How did you all come to live together? You and your wife and her sister and your sister's beautiful husband, Stephen.

There was a house. It has six bedrooms. It has clearly demarcated left half, right half, well left one third, right two thirds. Well, they've run a tape line down the middle. Tape and a wall with some doors. And they live on one side and we live on the other. To clarify, it's a house that had their garage

converted to an in-law suite. So there is like an entire townhouse slapped onto the side of a single family home. And which part do you and your little family occupy, Jess? We are in the single family home side of it. And so the in-law suite is now occupied by you or by? By Joanna and Steve. By Joanna and Steve.

Yep. And who owned the home originally or did you all buy it together? Or rent it or whatever, take a position on it? Yes, we- Squat, maybe you're all squatters, I don't know. Don't tell anyone. How did it come to be?

Flashback to COVID times, Joe and Steve were headed back to school and rather than there was going to be a gap in the lease for their apartment and their move to a new area. During that gap, they knew we were going to have a baby and said, Hey, that sounds fun. Let's go live with a baby. So at that point- So you already were living in this home and then Joanna and Stephen- Yes. Joined you. So we had a townhouse, they occupied the basement

and then moved out for a couple of years. My husband and I were looking for a new home and at one point uncovered this house that had this very unique living situation of essentially a townhouse smushed on the side of the house. It solved a lot of the main friction point we had with the townhouse of there not being enough kitchen space. I thought you were gonna say enough siblings inside of it.

Yeah. So in this like in-law suite set up, they have a full kitchen, their own basement, two bedrooms and two bathrooms and a living room. Let me see it, let me see. You experienced some living together in one space and it was fine. It was fine.

And you liked it. Yep. And then when you were moving, Owen and Jess, you found a house, there's like, that's enough room for all four of us if we wanted to do it again. Yes. And you invited them to join you. I sent Joanna a text and I said, hey, do you want to live together again? And she said, if it's not in a basement.

And I said, well, it's a whole house on the side of another house. Right. I just needed to know who was there first, because if I rule that someone's getting kicked out, that's going to affect my decision. Oof. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think we want them kicked out. Well, it's not your choice. Okay.

I'll decide. How about that? John, we have a mortgage to pay. We need their rent. None of this matters to me. All that I care about is justice. And so you invited your sister, Joanna, your beautiful sister, Joanna, to move in. And Owen, you were cool with this?

Very. And Stephen, obviously you were. Free house. We pay, we pay rent. Below market value, but above nothing. Oh, you're getting kicked out. I am sorry. Okay, so Stephen, I'll let you talk now.

You're all living together under one roof with two little kids, I may add. Any pets? Four cats. Oh boy. Yeah. Give me some names. Romeo and Ruben, mine and Joanna's cats, Pixel and Athena. And do these cats, are they kept separated or they also free flow through the home?

When Romeo and Pixel and Athena lived together during the pandemic, there was confrontation. And since then we've added Ruben to the mix and we've only tentatively had some, you know. Some play dates. Yeah, some play dates, but not a permanent. So they believe in the separation of families. They have not yet been brought along to your enlightened philosophical state. Yes.

They're more old fashioned American, you know, anti communal living. They're nuclear family cats. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay know, anti-communal living. They're nuclear family cats. Yeah. Yeah, okay, I got you. All right. And so that's a lot going on under one roof. And you come to me, you're telling me the biggest conflict

the four of you could have is splitting donuts in half? Yeah, surprisingly, yeah. That was kind of like a little bit of the friction with the shared kitchen situation was splitting of food and groceries and then that's not an issue in the current household structure because there are two fridges and they can cook their own stuff and we can kick our own stuff. But in the context of hosting where context of hosting where one might supply donuts or cookies.

Any kind of like potluckish thing where you have these special little treats. Yeah. The splitting then. I know when I go to a potluck and there's a casserole there, I take half the casserole and leave the other half for someone else to try. But I always consider that to be polite. Yeah.

I think from my perspective as a host, when I've had to clean up after events, it is very frustrating to me to find halves of things because they don't always preserve well either. Whereas like if the donut remains intact, it's like, it has a little bit of a longer, yeah, like it'll last a little bit longer where it's just a little tiny bit. Yeah, right. Exactly. You expose those. Yeah. Go ahead, Steven. I see you raising your hand. Thank you very much. Only this past Saturday morning, I was our household's representative at a mutual friend's child's birthday party.

And there was a half of a bagel cut vertically that was remaining on the plate with all the other bagels for the entirety of the party. And then in the end, as I was assisting our mutual friend clean up, I had to end up being the one to throw away the half of a bagel who had clearly been depreciating in value over the course of the party. Well, hang on. When you cut a bagel to put cream cheese on it in the traditional way, how would you describe that, Caleb? Horizontal. Jesse Thorne. Or Stephen that or or Steven's are That would be horizontal that would be horizontal right?

Okay, so vertically you're talking about You're looking you're looking the bagel dead in its in the eye of its hole Yes, judge, and then you're cutting it and you're splitting that eye in half. Yes, you are judge into two semi-circles, right? of of absence of void. Right, okay, got it. And I'm not saying that, you know, whoever did that is a criminal, but I am saying that, you know,

I feel like the consensus opinion, it's okay for there to be some social norms, things to more our society. And if, I hope we can all agree that whoever did that should not have done so. Are you hoping that someone is going to break down in tears and a confession? Do you suspect that it might be someone at the table? Cause you were the guy was the only one there. If you saw, let me ask you this, Jess, if you saw your beautiful younger sister, If you saw, let me ask you this, Jess,

if you saw your beautiful younger sister, Joanna, cut a donut in half, and you saw how she handled it, would you eat that other half a donut if it were a chocolate on chocolate? So that's where it gets into the premise of having a sharing partner, where I'm okay with it.

Okay, wow, here we go. Let the record show that Steve just got very excited about the sharing partner. I've been talking about a consenting, splitting partner for a couple months now. Well, you know, when you have four adults living together as a family under one roof, you do have to lay some, you know, write out some boundaries. Right. Let's hear about it. So my thing is, if I were to be like, no, I don't want this entire piece of cake.

I could look to Owen and be like, hey, do you want to share this piece? And we go and we take the plate and I'll eat my part while he's chasing the toddler and then I'll pass him the plate to have his or vice versa. So like, if there's something where it's like, oh, you have a coworker and you're like, hey, I wanna try half of that cupcake. Like I'm torn between these two flavors,

and you have someone that's game to say, yeah, let's go have these on each and swap. Totally fine. It's the idea of cutting it with no game plan of what happens to that other half afterwards. Cutting it for a ghost partner is not allowable to you. Correct. Beautiful sister Joanna, you raised your hand in objection to what your beautiful older sister words. CUPPYCUP WELLS CUTTING IT FOR A GHOST PARTNER IS NOT ALLOWABLE TO YOU. JOLINA Correct. CUPPYCUP WELLS BEAUTIFUL SISTER, JOANNA, YOU RAISED YOUR HAND IN OBJECTION TO WHAT YOUR

BEAUTIFUL OLDER SISTER JUST SAID. JOLINA So I have been told that if I don't find a consenting splitting partner that I'm supposed to take the whole thing and only eat the half I want and then throw away the rest, which I find criminal because I'm like, I could leave that half for maybe somebody else to take it eventually and try to reduce food waste rather than throw it out immediately. Why don't you just wrap it in a little napkin and put it in the glove compartment and bring it home to your brother-in-law, Owen?

I might eventually. If I go back at the end of the day and it's still there, I'll take it home. Oh, and if I were to rule that you are, you are your sister-in-law, Joanna's perpetual consenting half eating partner. I'd allow it. I feel like we're making our way to a solution. Well, let's go back for a moment, Steven, to this initial Yuletide party. When you discovered that your beautiful wife, Joanna, was someone who would be willing to split a cookie and leave the other

half behind. How did you feel when you discovered this truth about your, your, your spouse, who's a whole human being in her own right? Well, here's what it comes down to for me. You know, I think that my beautiful spouse who is independent in the whole human being in her own right, and currently the breadwinner of our couple, go her, as I'm finishing graduate school. I think that she is a very considerate person.

I presume that to be philosophically consistent, you are morally opposed to her splitting the bread with you. LAUGHS I'm going to leave that one alone. He's a consenting partner. Consenting splitting partner? Yes. Yeah. I don't know that people who do tend to split donuts, especially, you know, into different quantities are as considerate or as intentional in their

desire to reduce waste. Because what I have experienced in a workplace where there's a sharing of donuts, the prime example I think of is when I worked at a school that had Krispy Kreme donuts brought in fairly often. So it would be a box of 12 donuts, all the same donut. And there would be multiple halves left behind that ended up being thrown away. And someone else who didn't bring the donuts in

had to be the one who threw them away. Had to be the one who threw them away instead of bringing them home to Owen to throw into his open mouth. Yes. I don't think I can defend having a second donut when there's already a half of that same type available. So I'm going to concede the point on that.

But let's be frank. In situations where there are multiple types of donut, those half donuts are always coconut donuts. Exactly. Yeah. That's tier 10 worst donut in my opinion. Or it's like a donut with walnuts on it or something. This may be a good time for the evidence that Jess submitted.

Well, Stephen, I believe I will decide when is the best time for Jess to produce her evidence. Thank you very much. Jess, what is your evidence? My evidence is a audio recording of my four-year-old and his take on the splitting of donuts. Let's go to the audio tape. Hey, Russell, when you go downstairs, would you rather have one whole donut or two half donuts? Two whole, one whole donut.

One whole donut? Okay, thank you. Well, that is pretty damning, Owen. Your own son has thrown your side of the argument under the bus, how do you respond? Well, I'm not saying that people prefer halves. I'm just saying that it's important that people feel comfortable taking

halves if that's what they prefer. Look, one of you is going to be kicked out of the house. That's the way the game is played. Owen, are there any foodstuffs that should not be split in half and left behind? I don't know. Can you name any that you think would fall into that category? And I'll say no, I'd still eat that. I had a list.

All right. So just to be clear, Jess is. I had a list. All right. So just to be clear, Jess is going to read a list of food stuffs and Owen is going to determine whether they are splitable or no. And then I will listen without comment and then I will give you my answers after you've already answered. Dainishes. Split.

Cupcakes. Split. Boston cream donuts. No, I don't think so eclairs Yeah cannoli sure Donuts yep muffins. Yep cookies under four inches in diameter

Mmm, I'm trying to visualize that it's a small cookie. I I don't know. All right, you know, I'm gonna save visualize that. It's a small cookie. I don't know. All right, I'm gonna save this for my verdict. I'm gonna go through all these myself in my verdict. But before I step into my chambers, Stephen, have any other friends or family members weighed in on this matter? They won't.

I tried to corner people at my baby shower, a time where people are there to celebrate me and should humor me in everything I want to do. And they would not weigh in on this. They said, that sounds like a family matter. Steven, Jess, I mean, why is this important? What is the harm really in letting really in letting your beloved spouses and siblings and siblings-in-law do what they like? Shouldn't everyone like what they like? The harm is germs coming into an already germ-infested household.

I would say, you know, Jess has been an ally of convenience for me in this thing because I'll be honest, the germ element is not important to me so much as it is. Wow, you just threw your ally under the bus. She might form an alliance now with her sister and husband and kick you out of the house. No, I've very much enjoyed, you know, arguing our case together.

Yes, scrabble some more, please. Uh-huh. My feeling about it is that the setting that you're in, it's more of like a social grace towards other people thing than it is about the grossness element. Stephen, if I've learned anything as the co-host of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. It's that a significant portion of our audience is currently labeling you a murderer for not caring that much about germs. I can only imagine that a solid 25% of our audience, when someone extends their hand to shake hands, just does that, like, too slow, slick hairstyle move before they touch hands.

Yeah, I thought you did care about germs. Didn't you go see that play? About hand washing. We did see a very good play about hand washing when we were in London on that trip. Yeah. Look, we all, when you're in a foreign country, you gotta enjoy the arts.

It was on the West End, it's highly reviewed. So, but you talk about the social grace of it. I don't understand, wouldn't the social grace extend to not eating a whole, not eating and wasting a half of a thing instead of leaving it behind for someone who might come down later at the brunch and say, oh, I wanted half a cinnamon roll. Yeah, I think that those occurrences are, you know, lucky,

but in my experience, especially depending on the setting you're in, not a guarantee. And in fact, less likely than the half of things sitting out and then having to be disposed of. And you keep emphasizing when I say having to, but the alternative to someone throwing it away or dealing with it who's not the splitter is food being sat there to rot for who knows how long. Mm.

Joanna, you have presented arguments that on the one hand, you only want half of a donut or a cookie or whatever. You don't want to waste the other half, you only want half of a donut or a cookie or whatever. You don't wanna waste the other half, so you leave it behind for others. Then your other argument is you want two halves, just two halves of different flavors. Which is it? Normally the two halves, I would say happen at home.

So like, if I'm making myself like a dessert and I wanna taste a little bit of the various options And do you assign the other half of the donut or the cookie or whatever to a consenting split partner like Owen or whatever? No, I mean because I know that yeah, Owen or Steve will eat it eventually Or if it's still there for you know breakfast or whatever the next day. No, no next day donuts, okay? First of all, preliminary ruling from now on, no next day donuts.

All right, I'm going into my chambers. In order to chew this over, so to speak, I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Okay, I'm working really hard to remember who's who. Owen, how are you feeling about your chances in the case? I'm feeling good, but I think I'm just biased because it's my opinion on the matter and

I assume other people feel the same way. But if that's the case, then I'm definitely winning. Owen, you've brought a lot of negative uptight vibes to this whole recording. You just don't seem like a chill dude or like you have a positive attitude. How about, I'm gonna go to Joanna. Joanna, how are you feeling? I feel good because I read a judgment that the judge made not so long ago in the New York Times about somebody splitting bananas. And he wrote in that basically that the husband needed to learn some distress tolerance.

And so, you know, I just feel good about my chances that it might be a similar situation where the people distressed by the donuts maybe just need to learn some distress tolerance. Jess, how are you feeling? I'm feeling pretty good considering I'm coming from a germ perspective, and I'm often faced having germs come into my house unwillingly from a toddler, so I'd rather not have it come from my workplace as well.

Stephen, how are you feeling? Um, I'm just happy to be here. We can tell. Stephen says, I'm just here so I don't get fined. Yeah, that's right. Well, Stephen, Jess, Joanna, Owen, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment.

Even Jess, Joanna, Owen, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Allison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ugh, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org.

If you need a laugh, and you're on the go. We're taking a quick break from the show. Of course, John, you've been talking about this on the show, but tickets now available for the Solid Sound Festival? Tickets are available for Solid Sound Festival. Of course, I'll be there with this incredible economy lineup. My friends and yours, Eugene Roman, Dave Hill, Todd Barry, Brittany Carney, Sydney Washington,

and the genius Gene Gray. But I just need to point out... John, wait, hold on. Do you think Dave Hill, Dave Hill one of the funniest guys in the world? True. And Dave Hill from before, as he introduces himself in all of his social media videos. Do you think Dave will be following up on his tours

with Tenacious D by doing BMX-based comedy? Because he's been doing a lot of comedy on a BMX bike lately. I would not be surprised if Dave broke out a BMX bike on stage. There's definitely going to be sweet solos, right? Like, he's definitely ripping into some guitar solos. But I think he may also do those solos on a BMX bike. Yeah, Dave is going to be dropping some delicious licks,

as will all of these incredible comedians on the comedy stage on Saturday afternoon. And that's in the afternoon. If you come and see us all day long, we have three big shows all day long with all these comedians, you're not going to miss a lick of Wilco, by the way, because they play in the evenings, Friday night, Saturday night. And I just need to say I didn't even realize until someone mentioned it to me,

some friends of friends are going to be at this thing that Iris Dement is going to be playing. And I love Iris Dement. Let the Mystery Be is one of my favorite songs. And I didn't even, there's so much talent at this thing that didn't, for some reason, even register, that I'm gonna get to go see my hero Iris Dement play. Solid Sound, it is, it only happens every other year. It happens at Mass Mocha, which is the Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art, the beautiful museum made out of an old electric parts

factory in a beautiful part of Western Massachusetts. Go to solidsoundfestival.com to see the lineup and get your tickets. I also want to give a shout out to my friend, Christopher Frizzell, who was a long ago, the editor in chief of the stranger in Seattle. He's an incredible writer, incredible editor. And now he runs incredible book groups online and in person. And, you know, it's been one of my projects to read middle March this year by George Elliott and it is incredible

book, which you will enjoy if you read it. But I've in my enjoyment of an only been enhanced by going to Chris's middle March book club on zoom every Saturday afternoon. There are only a few left. It might be over by the time you hear this, but go over to frizzlit.com and see what else he's got going on. Cause Chris is amazing. And if there's a book that you've been wanting to read

and you want to just hang out with some people online who love reading books, it's going to be a really fun experience for you. So I have to really suggest that you check him out and check out his Substack and check out my Substack, Hodgeman at whatever it is, Hodgeman.substack.com or the other way around. I want to mention, John, something really special

that you and I can take 100% full credit for and give no credit to the actual artistic people involved, which is this. There is an amazing program in the Maximum Fund Network called the Beef and Dairy Network. Oh, yeah. The Beef and Dairy Network is a comedy podcast that pretends to be an industry podcast for

the beef and dairy industry. So all of its interviews are beef-related. And for many years, one of the themes on the Beef and Dairy Network podcast is that the seed money to start the program was lent to Ben Partridge, the show's host and creator, by, quote, the American actor Ted Danson, unquote. And in recent years, Ted Danson in the world of the show has been demanding that the loan be repaid in grain, because grain captures the power of the sun. So he will only accept repayment in the form of grain. Now it has been really difficult for Ben to get together enough grain to satisfy the American

actor Ted Danson. And on the latest Beef and Dairy Network episode, something incredible happened, which is Ted Danson appeared on the program to demand his grain. Now... Wait, the American actor Ted Danson, the American actor Ted Danson prepared his crows and rang his dark bell. Those are two things that happened on this show. And look, I'm not saying who helped Ted Danson know

that he should go on the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, but I'm just going to say it's two of the hosts of one of your favorite podcasts who happened to have his email and ask him really nicely. And as it turns out, Ted Danson, besides being a genius, is also one of the nicest dudes ever. And he totally got it and was totally amazing on the show. Yeah, it was an amazing thing. You don't need to know anything about the Beef and Dairy Network to listen to this episode. It is a breathtaking piece of comedy.

It also features an extensive interview with a dental expert who talks about how many celebrities have implants made of cow teeth. And dental implants is made from cow teeth. So just take your number two pencil and write down these names, Beef and Dairy Network, Ted Danson, Christopher Frizzell, Iris Dement. These are just things and people that we absolutely love and we bet you will too.

Write those things down and go search for them. Now, shall we get back to the episode? Let's do it. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. People sometimes ask me how much sort of writing I do on the verdict before I deliver it. And the answer is basically none.

I kind of have been thinking about the case and I've sort of been thinking about what the crux of the answer is basically none. I kind of have been thinking about the case and I've sort of been thinking about what the crux of the case is and I formulate an opinion and then I give it some consideration while Jesse's talking to the litigants and then I just sort of freestyle it. And in this case, I've done zero preparation

and I don't even know what I'm talking about because I've just been trying to remember your names. There's just so many of you in this alternative lifestyle house in Maryland and I'm just trying to remember, I mean you're all beautiful and you're all spouses and you're all siblings and you're all everything and I'm just trying to remember where you stand on every issue and everything else. They didn't even bring their housekeeper Alice. But I do have to come up with a decision and I do have to vote

one of you out of the donut house. Who shall it be? There are some weirdos who are rooting for the baby. Owens kept a silent profile this entire time. Joanna's made some good cases. So has Jess. Steve didn't come to make friends. And guess what?

He made one anyway, because I'm your friend, Steve. Even though I've been giving you the I've been giving you the business. Let me respond to something that Joanna said. First of all, Joanna, you're not wrong that I did rule recently in the New York Times magazine about cutting things in half in this case, there was a husband and wife and the wife had recently had a baby and she, during the time she was pregnant, she was unable to tolerate bananas because they made her nauseated. And now that the baby is born, she is reintroducing bananas into her life.

But she can only eat half a banana at a time, which means they have a banana tree, you know, where the bananas hang down. Not a literal tree, but like a little wooden hook and you hang the banana bunch on it. And she's cutting the bananas in half and like giving that banana a haircut and eating half the banana. And the husband was like, that's gross to me. And I agreed with him, it was gross. A, the food waste is gross. B, baby bananas exist.

I mean, why not just get smaller ones? But I said, why don't you practice some distress tolerance? Your wife just grew, just grew a human in her body. So leave her alone on this because that half a half a hanging banana is going to be the least of the messes that you have to deal with for a while. And Owen and Jess know this to be true. And so do all of us because baby violet threw up in the podcast. I have to mention that because people don't maybe necessarily know that I do write that column for the New York Times

magazine. And that was a fun one to write. But I will not say that it was an applicable judgment in your defense, Joanna, because what I was saying to the half half a banana wife's husband is, take it easy, dude. She just had a baby. Someone else just had a baby. Your sister, your beautiful sister, Jess. So if Jess wanted to eat half a cookie and you were mad at her, I would be telling you, take it easy.

You know what I'm saying? Fair enough. But you only have one baby named Steve and he's a grown man. But you're not wrong to look at precedents in this courtroom because this case falls between two of the biggest legal, fake legal precedents that we have. People like what they like.

Some people just want half a cookie. Some people just want half a donut, right? Some people just want half a cinnamon roll. But also be mindful of the work you leave for others. When you have, and Steve is nodding really hard right now. When you have, when you take a half a book, half a cookie or half a donut and you leave it behind, you're leaving behind something that someone else might enjoy eating, but more often than not just has to clean up. So let's get to the quiz.

Jess gave her beautiful husband Owen a quiz of which which single serving foods are splitable in his opinion and which are not. We registered his answers. Now it's time for me to give my answers the definitive ones. I wrote them all down here on a piece of paper. Look, Danish do not split. Cupcake do not split. Cupcake. Do not split. Boston cream donut. Do not split. Eclair. Do not split. Canole. Do not split. Donut. I'll reserve

that for last. Muffin. Do not split. Four inch cookie or smaller. Do not split donut. Do not split. Now why? It has been established. And you have all witnessed it in your office parties. Half a donut is garbage. A whole donut is a treat, even to me. Half a donut is something that someone has mangled with their grubby fingers. If you didn't see him do it, you can only assume the worst. And paradoxically, half a coconut donut is

twice the garbage. Science doesn't know how that happens. Now, I understand and appreciate all of the arguments that you have mustered, Joanna. Also never put mustard on a donut. And there are situations in which splitting a donut or a bagel or a slice of pizza or a Danish or an eclair and a cannoli is perfectly acceptable, but it's a very specific situation. And it's one that's been accounted for

in Steve and Jess's cosmology. If you are there with someone who wants to split that thing with you, and you offer to do it, and they say yes. Or if you have a brother-in-law like Owen, who's like, Mikey, he'll eat anything. And you know that he's going to eat it no matter what. You split it. But if you don't have that person around, if you're in a communal situation, like a office party or a cocktail party, or, uh, I mean, whatever kind of like, whatever kind of donut party you have in your weird love house and you're leaving it behind and the person, the other person has not seen you split it.

I don't care how many people come down the stairs the next morning saying, I was hoping for half a cinnamon bun. That person is a unicorn. Most people are like, I wonder who touched that cinnamon bun. Should I eat it? Unfortunately, no, you shouldn't need to have that cinnamon bun unless you've seen who split it. bun unless you've seen who split it and unless you've decided to split it with them.

If you cannot make eye contact and have made a prior arrangement for someone to eat the half the thing that you don't want, just take the whole thing, eat it. And if you must, if you can't finish it, if you really don't want it, wrap it in a napkin, throw it in no one's mouth when you get home. This is the sound of a gavel. Go nuts.

Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Steven, I'm gonna start with you. How are you feeling? Of relief you can hardly imagine, Pailiff. Why is that? Well, I made an offhand comment during one of the breaks in this recording that I felt like I was becoming the villain and I had that banana splitting case in the back of my mind this whole time.

So Jess, how are you feeling? A relief going into Saturday where this verdict will be tested because there will be donuts and bagels at a children's birthday party. Joanna, how are you feeling? You know, disappointed, only slightly. You know, I like to win. I think most people do. But you know, I'll take the judgment.

I will be more responsible about my preferences and eat what I want and figure out what to do with the rest. Oh, and you look pretty chill about the whole thing. I do worry about the precedent being set because it just feels like it will lead to more wasted food. But personally, I'm looking forward to all three of them bringing me their leftovers. I think at the end of the day, the primary result of this is everyone's going to come up to you and say, hey, you want to split this with me?

And you'll just say yes to everyone. It's a win. Stephen, Jess, Joanna, Owen, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thank you so much for having us. Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books. We'll have Swift Justice and Justice Second.

First, our thanks to Redditor Tacosalad. That's T-A-A-K-O, John. That's Justin's character on the first arc of the Adventure Zone. Yes, I know. Yes, that's correct. They named this episode Crispy Cream and Punishment. If you want to name a future episode,

join us on the Maximum Fun subreddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. Now, Jesse, I rarely do this, but I just want to shout out an honorable mention to Reditor Wildcard underscore 71 for suggesting Taurus reform, which I really liked a lot because a donut or a traditional donut is in the shape of a Taurus.

If you don't know, look it up. But I could not deny Krispy Kreme and Punishment by Taco Salad. That was the one for this one. But hey, I love seeing all of the fun names that you come up with. We both do. We all do. So get over there to the Maximum Fun subreddit. And when we put out a call for case names, suggest a pun or two. Evidence and photos from the show are posted not just on this episode's page on MaximumFun.org, but also on our Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman. We get a lot of cool stuff going up on that Instagram.

So if you're not following it, you're missing out. It's not just evidence, but lots of cool video stuff as well these days. Dank memes even. Some very dank memes. If you have a dank meme, please tag at Judge John Hodgman when you post your Judge John Hodgman dankness because we're having, it's a dank meme of the week over there at Judge John Hodgman.

I love dank memes. D-M-O-T-W. I'm sorry that they have taken us so far away from democracy, but I enjoy when they're about my podcasts. Anyway, we're on TikTok and YouTube at Judge John Hodgman Pod as well. You can also see all that short. There's original video content, not just stuff from this show.

And make sure that you're following us. Hit the Subscribe button on YouTube and hit those alerts so that you can enjoy the live premieres of the video of every Judge John Hodgman episode. Also this week I got a new video camera with a wide angle lens. Oh yeah. Which means I have to angle my computer

even further away from my disgusting pile of bankers boxes. But you do get to see more of my weird office. You are committed to those bankers boxes. Those bankers boxes have been in the background of your webcam shots since we have been doing this podcast. Okay, like seven years ago, I'm like, I'm going to clean out my files and I put them all in bankers boxes

and I've done nothing with them since and they're just sitting over there. I gotta get a clerk, a court clerk. Get a court clerk. I love it. Just get one of Clarence Thomas's adopted children or whatever. Hey, follow and subscribe to see our episodes and video only content over at the YouTube.

We're having a lot of fun over there and I'm enjoying interacting with you on premiere day. And speaking of following and subscribing, I want to say thank you to Catherine Sings who follows the show and subscribes as it were on Apple Podcasts. Catherine Sings gave us a five star rating over there. And not only does Catherine sing, she also writes poetry in her review. She wrote judge John Hodgman is a winner.

We listened to him while we eat dinner is bail. If Jesse really adds to the case, if you give less stars, then you're off base. So listen to Catherine sings, give us five stars on Apple Podcasts, or leave a review wherever you listen to the podcast. It really does help people discover the show, even simply telling a friend who maybe isn't on social media, oh, what a joy that might be. We're going to get an email from our friend Lin-Manuel Miranda. I once had an extended discussion with him about how strongly we feel about whether people's

dog-erral-verse scans the scanning of dog-erral-verse. about how strongly we feel about it, whether people's doggerel verse scans. The scanning of doggerel verse. This, uh, Catherine sings this poem, may not scan, but it does track. Very grateful for it. Uh, Judge John Hodgman, created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman, this episode engineered by Andrew Eppig and Molly Mountain at Clean Cuts in Baltimore, Maryland.

Our social media manager is Natty Lopez. The podcast is edited by AJ McKeon. Our video editor is Daniel Spear, our ever competent producer, Jennifer Marmer. Now, Swift Justice, where we answer small disputes with quick judgment. You ready for this, John? I'm ready for it.

Get your judgment ready. Mr. Laverne on the Max Fund subreddit writes, my friend says that a plain omelet is the same thing as scrambled eggs. I say they are obviously different. They may not be obviously different. And boy, oh boy, was I ready for this one. Uh-huh.

You've been ready since the first take. Ready. I probably think about scrambled eggs and omelets about nine hours out of every day. I love them and I love making them. I love taking the snotty chaos of eggs and heating them into beautiful order. Scrambled eggs you would traditionally cook

all over low heat very slowly to create very creamy curds. An omelet is cooked over medium heat and yes an omelet without fillings is still an omelet. You are creating a kind of flat wafer of egg. It's the kind of thing where you put the egg in the pan and it's over medium heat and you keep bringing the the edges in and letting the uncooked egg flow out until you have sort of a flat egg and then you fold it over. But it's a completely different beast than traditional scrambled eggs. And by the

way, it's better than traditional scrambled eggs as far as I'm concerned. So literally, Mr. Laverne, let me say to your friend, eat it. Get a good plain omelet and eat it. John, are you a slow scrambled eggs or a fast scrambled eggs guy? I'm a fast scrambled eggs guy. And in fact, I'm a high heat scrambled eggs person now. You know, when you see people scrambling eggs

in a Asian stir fry tradition, that is a high heat over a, not in butter, but refined oil like a high heat, high smoke point oil in a walk, for example. But I just like I slam that heat into the pan. I put in some canola oil or from safflower oil and I scramble those eggs really fast and I find that they come out really tender and delicious to

me and they bubble up and they're great. That's how I do it. Now are those scrambled eggs or an omelet? Let's fight about it. How about that? How about we hear some more cases about eggs? Do you keep some backyard chickens and your hens are laying too many eggs and you don't know whether to start selling them or not? Let me know. What about egg chairs, which is the best one? Arnie Jacobson or the Ovalia egg chair. What is the best way to make scrambled eggs? In your opinion, I'm gonna say Gordon Ramsay, eat it.

I don't like his way of doing it, it's gross. Whatever your dispute around eggs is, send it to us at maximumfund.org slash JJHO. Let's get scrambling, maximumfund.org slash JJHO for your egg disputes and I don't know, any other disputes or all of the disputes. You know, our friend, Jay Kenji Lopez alt he adds a starch slurry to his scrambled eggs.

I know keeps them tender. You know what? Call them up and get them on that egg thing. Cause I'd like to talk to him about it. I'd like to talk to, I'd like to talk to Kenji about his eggs. And I'll tell you this. If you're a member of Maximum Fun, tell us you're a member of Maximum Fun,

because right now, on our monthly mailbag, which is a special episode of Judge John Hodgman, only for members that you will find in your bonus content feed, we are answering all member questions. Yeah. We'll see how long we can do this. I think we may be able to keep this up. If you're a member, let us know you will get an answer to your question,

either on this show or on the member mailbag show, because we are nothing, if not willing to provide fan service. If you're a member, we're here for you. We will decide it for you. If you're not a member, you know what to do. Go to maximumfun.org slash join, and we'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network.

Of artist-owned shows. Supported. Directly. By you.