Judge John Hodgman - Kung Fu Fighting with Jean Grae

Episode Date: May 6, 2015

Guest Bailiff Jean Grae returns to help Judge Hodgman clear out the docket, ruling on teenage liars, snuggling with teddy bears, sopping up messes with toilet paper, and more.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm your guest bailiff, Jean Gray, in for Jesse Thorne. Judge Hodgman, it's good to be in chambers with you this week. Yo, welcome to my, welcome to the chambers. That's creepy. That is, you didn't, I didn't know it was going to be creepy. I was saying to Jesse the last time we had the chambers that I want to, I want to create an EC style horror comic book called Judges Chambers. And I am the chambers keeper. And it's just me, but like a skeleton me with a mustache on the skeleton. Oh, I didn't, I didn't know that skeletons could have mustaches.

Oh, yeah, that grows directly out of the bone. You didn't know that? I did not. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Facial hair grows directly out of the bone. And it keeps growing long after death, just like fingernails and tonsils. Also tonsils.

Yeah, yeah, tonsils, fingerna uh and and mustaches grow after death that's beautiful um i i feel i feel a little bit left out like i would like a nice mustache afterwards but i don't think that would be a thing even a fake mustache gene a thing even a fake mustache gene oh well no then i'm i'm i'm good um if you have it okay if you have a fake mustache applied before your death and i don't want to get grim here have a fake mustache applied directly before your untimely passing which i know and hope will not be for a thousand years a thousand and probably two probably two because i've been taking uh gummy vitamins yeah absolutely did you get them from ray kurzweil the singularity guy no oh law of improv they're no good now they're no good now i love

your i love your improv your your improv your improv uh philosophy mirrors mine. Not yes and, no but. No. I would like to just shut it down and then also come up with something completely new. Yes. Yes. So if you apply a false mustache, if you apply a false mustache directly before your death, it will become a ghost stash and it will continue to grow.

That's why you apply a false mustache with spirit gum. Oh, wow. I was going to say that. And then I was really proud of myself. And now I'm just going to be down on myself for the rest of the show. Oh no, Jean, you were going to say that? It was so good. Why did you stop yourself?

Did you think it was too corny? I doubt myself. Oh no. I doubt myself. Don't do it do you know why gene no i don't doubt you that's beautiful thank you i never doubt gene gray you did such a great job last week it's a get bailiff with the with those weirdos whose case we had to judge but now we're just in chambers and just you and me having a beverage talking and judging the nice thing about these chambers episodes is the people aren't even here no they're not so we can talk about them behind their backs which is and i'm oh man that that excites me more than anything and and that also there's a lot of velvet in here. Yeah. Did you notice?

I had all of the walls and ceiling upholstered with velvet. Yeah. No. I got here about an hour early. Yeah. And I just kind of rolled around on the walls just to calm me down a little bit. Yeah. But the floor is still linoleum.

That will never change. No, you can't change that. It's durable. It cleans change that. It's durable. It cleans up easy. It's beautiful. If you get spirit gum on that floor, how are you going to get that out? Please don't get it on my velvet walls and ceiling. No.

I also bricked in all the windows. Did you notice? Yes, I did notice because I tried to open it, it was um not a window any longer and then i noticed in that antechamber over there there's a cask of amontillado that i think you would enjoy hmm you should go in there later maybe um probably after like the second letter because i'm gonna need something to you know just keep me going this is part of my whole ec style horror comic book. All right.

Why don't we do the first case? Let's do that. We're just going to knock them out. We're going to knock them out. That's what we're going to do. It's like a fight. Yeah. Is that what that is?

When you say knock them out, where does that come from? It's not a fight. You don't knock a whole bunch of people out in a row when you're boxing. But it's not a knock them out of the park. It's not a bases ball thing, is it? Perhaps a kung fu fight? Yeah, it's a kung fu fight. All of these cases are

a line of evil ninjas and they're going to come fighting at us one at a time. They're just going to surround us in a circle and they're just going to knock them out. Yeah, they're going to take turns. There's no way that they would ever attack us at the same time. No, because that would be entirely too useful.

All right. First ninja case. Go for it. First ninja. First ninja. Faith writes, I file suit against my friend and roommate Jordan. Jordan says the toilet paper is a perfectly suitable substitute for paper towels or Kleenex. For example, if there's a spill in the kitchen, he will insist that toilet paper will do

the job in regards to cleaning it up. I believe that there is a vast and important difference between toilet paper and paper towels or Kleenex. Toilet paper should not be used as a substitute unless you are desperate. Judge Hodgman, will you issue a ruling? Yes. I find against Faith immediately because of her terrible, terrible grammar. I wanted to say something about that. Yeah, well, you go ahead, Jean. Let's see if you caught the same thing I caught that drove me insane.

Was it right in the beginning? No. Tell me yours. Wait. There's ands and ors. Yeah, that's the one that was driving me crazy. A vast and important difference between toilet paper and paper towels. And paper towels.

Or Kleenex. So sorry, Faith. Yes. I mean, obviously Jordan is wrong. I mean, you wouldn't clean up your house. Let's say you do a lot of cooking. Do you not, Jean? Yes. I see a lot of the food that you make on your Instagram, which is, what's your Instagram so that people know? It's Jeannie Grigio on the gram. Jeannie Grigio. Grigio. G-R-I-G-I-O, like the wine.

Grigio. Grigio. G-R-I-G-I-O, like the wine. Correct. And it all looks delicious, but let's say you spilled some wine or some olive oil or any other cooking liquid. Anything. Would you mop that up with a piece of toilet paper? No. One, because I'm not a savage.

And I also would not use Kleenex because Kleenex is a facial tissue. It's to be used for the face. It was invented to take off cold cream. And it's very thin and it's very delicate. Again, because it is used for the face. Right. And I sometimes... No, no i'm not gonna say this

too gross i wasn't gonna talk about no cold cream on my cold cream on my bum sometimes i use toilet paper to remove cold cream from my bum because it is also very thin and very soft yes both both the toilet paper and my bum yes and, and both areas need great care. Yeah. They're very delicate. I'm not sure why you've been putting makeup on your bum, but that's kind of your thing, I guess. I'm not against it. The point is that if you use toilet paper to mop up a spill in the kitchen, what's going to happen, Jean?

Because we've all been there. Dogs and cats getting married. Dogs and cats getting married. Where are we going to happen gene because we've all been there cats getting married dogs and cats getting married where are we going here well i just did we stop yeah it's it's first of all it's madness these things have different categories for a reason they're made for different purposes second of all we've all gotten to the point where we've had to use uh toilet paper we've run out of paper towels and we've used toilet paper instead and the toilet paper falls apart in his hand we've also all been in the in the situation where we've run out of toilet paper and we use paper towels. And we won't even talk about what happens then.

So let's just draw the line. There's civilization for a reason. Jordan, you're wrong. But Faith, keep your conjunctions straight. Toilet paper and paper towels and Kleenex would be the correct way to say that. Could it be toilet paper and paper towels and Kleenex would be the correct way to say that. Mm-hmm. Could it be toilet paper, paper towels, and Kleenex or Kleenex, just leaving out the and? There's a difference between this and this, right? You would never say there's a difference between cats or dogs.

Right. I guess, I understand why Faith made this mistake. She made it in. I hate myself. Good faith. But oh, but it's so early in the show. It's still wrong. So you could say toilet paper, comma and paper towels. Comma and Kleenex, if you're going to use serial commas, which we talked about a couple times ago, or just be clear and plain and everything else. All right, let's move on to the next one. On to another page. Page rights.

Thank you. Oh, I guess I deserve that. A little bit. It's okay. Let's turn the page on that case. I would like to file a complaint against my 15-year-old son, Leonard, which is a pseudonym. I should surely hope so. Sorry, people named Leonard. Nobody's son is named Leonard, who's 15. It's not a name that's in favor these days.

Even in a place like Brooklyn, where kind of old-timey, out-of-date names are often resurrected by self-aggrandizing parents who want to feel interesting. Do you know what I mean? So there are a lot of Luciuses and Edmonds and so forth, but I haven't seen a lot. There's not a new Leonard for a while.

No, not in Brooklyn. No, not in Brooklyn. All right. Sorry. Whatever. I apologize for interrupting. Go on. Yes.

Our family enjoys listening to podcasts in the car. In addition to Judge John Hodgman, we also listen to a certain public radio quiz show with a Canadian host and exceptional house musician. We like to call out answers if we know them. Well, let's not be coy, Paige. We all know what you're talking about, and it's fine for you to buzzmark it. Ask Me Another,

hosted by Ophira Eisenberg and Jonathan Colton. We like it, too. All right, what's the issue? Here's the issue. Leonard and his dad had listened to an episode of the quiz show while driving to a chalet. Oh, must be nice. Oh.

Okay. Oh, fancy. Later that week, I put on the same episode as I was driving Leonard and his female companion home from a party. There are a lot of unanswered questions in this letter. I'll put a pin in that and let's move on. Okay. Leonard shouted out the answers as if he was hearing the show for the first time. I didn't out him in front of his lady friend,

but I want to ask you to issue an injunction that prevents him from calling out the answers if he has already heard the show. I also ask that you award damages to me in the form of three hours of silence at a time to be chosen by me. Let me ask you a couple of questions, Jean, because kids these days, you and I are best. I don't know what's going on with these kids these days, right? But when you were 15, they're kooky, right? Kooky kids. When you were 15 years old, did you have someone who could be described as a gentleman friend or a lady friend? Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yes, I most certainly did not. And if I had one, even that I thought of in my mind, I definitely would not be anywhere in the uh general area of my parents right and and yeah i mean maybe i i'm an only child who never continues to believe he doesn't deserve happiness or affection so i never had anyone in my life until i was much older and later in my teens i started dating you know 15 i guess people did date i guess dated. I remember some people dated in like eighth grade, even in my elementary school. But I find that I don't know, Leonard seems very precocious. Let me ask you another question. When you were 15 year old, Jean, were you a big fat liar? No, I was not. Right. I was not. I was not. But you know, what can you do when you come from a family that's

already lying about your name you know where do you learn this behavior good point and also are going to chalets all the time this whole family is weird it's it's it's it's like they're it's you know what it's like it's a family of swiss super villains do you know what I mean? Like they all have different identities. They're going, they're driving to chalets and to parties all the time. Eating chocolate. Yeah. The 15 year old son has,

has, is, is, is engaged. It's probably on his third engagement. And I, I kind of picture Leonard sitting in the back of the, of the,

of the Bentley where wearing Bentley wearing a white suit and then yelling out the answers to the questions of Ask Me Another to deceive this poor young woman that maybe he picked up by the side of the road. years old his mom is whatever her age is they're driving around together in an elegant white clothing in a in a luxury car in switzerland and they pick up a 19 year old backpacker whom leonard quickly seduces by lying to her about his knowledge of american slash canadian trivia shows and the whole thing is gross and i find distinctly against i don't find a lot in favor of page but definitely against leonard knock it off leonard don't lie to people either by directly or by omission or by pretending you know things you don't then leave that to me very fair i do award damages to page in the form of three hours of silence at a time chosen by me i think it should be in the car yeah three hours of silence in the in the car in the car three hours of three hours of awkward silence driving

your 15 year old and his girlfriend around. Because that's the way it should be. Weird. Yeah. Yeah. Just completely awkward. Absolutely. All right.

What's next? We are moving on to. You know what we're doing? We're knocking them out. We're knocking them out. We are knocking them out. That one may have been a roundhouse kick. Oh, flying roundhouse?

Yes, of course. Right. That's right. What else? What else? Another ninja coming at us by the name of Lauren. Lauren writes, my husband and I are involved in an ongoing dispute in the bedroom. I have a teddy bear that I have slept with since childhood.

This took a very, a very, a very weird turn. Initially, I was like, wait a minute, this is a family podcast, isn't it? And now I'm doubly concerned about where this is going. It got even more. I'm more concerned. All right. Let's go. Prepare to be even more concerned.

Ted Rico has seen better days. Is that the teddy bear or the husband? Ted is the bear, not the husband. But I still enjoy sleeping with him nightly. The bear, not the husband. My husband's jealousy and disdain for this extramarital snuggling leads to constant complaints

and more recently, bear napping attempts in which Ted is hidden from me. I would like the honorable fake internet judge, John Hodgman, to issue an injunction against any further bear abductions and order Ted Rico a permanent bedtime visa. To clarify, fake internet judge John Hodgman means that i am a fake internet judge not that the internet is fake oh because i was going to agree with that and then kind of feel away about the other one yeah no that's uh it's something that comes up from time to time uh I slept with my blankie into freshman year of college at Yale University. Very prestigious.

And I don't know why I did not realize how, you know, I didn't realize at the time how strange and humiliating it was to be doing that i mean it's not like i cuddled with it but i had it still you know what i mean and part of the reason is that um it's a huge transition and obviously a security blanket conveys much more security than warmth especially when it's essentially three patches of of quilted material barely hung together by a thread at that point yes did your blankie have a name blankie yeah original descriptive yes accurate yeah no one no one would accuse me of being inaccurate no uh no one would accuse me of being particularly sexy at the time either because i slept with a blankie but the reason of course is that i was terrified of becoming an adult and i was holding on to this

thing and we all were like no one really judged me because they're everyone you know uh boys and girls alike brought these various totems from their childhood and it might have been a stuffed animal or might have been a blank year might have been a calvin and hobbes book which by the way you can read well into adulthood that's fine but you know there's these these little power objects that allowed them to hold on to uh their childhood as they were being terrified of their incoming adulthood, right? And that's fine. But if you are a married person and you are not a freshman or, excuse me, first year student

at a college or age equivalent in life, that feels a little, I think it's time to put childish things aside. What do you think, Jean? I do actually agree. And I just kind of think, you know, if it's something that's bothering the person that you're with, and it's not going to be destructive to you to let go of Ted Rico, you know. He doesn't want to throw, don't have to throw him away. Um, yeah. You know, just, you, you kind of got to be okay with that. You have a real live Ted Rico,

you know, that's, that's pretty cool. Most people don't have that. So, uh, you know, sort of embrace your, your human happiness there. Maybe sleeping in bed and everything that happens in bed is both a mixture of altruism and selfishness you have to compromise absolutely and um yeah i can't this thing is literally coming between you and um unless unless this uh uh stealing and recovering of teddy bear is something some kind of exciting game for you and i don't think i think that you would like to believe that it is lauren i have a feel and i i have a feeling that your husband is like please don't please don't have this thing and in bed with us this childhood yeah in bed with us yeah it you know um you know, um, I, I perhaps she, uh, considers it a sexy game. Um, and I'm pretty sure that, uh, that he is, he is not feeling the same way.

Did you ever have a, uh, a stuffed animal or a special lovey or something like that in childhood? Jean gray. Um, just hope, just hope, just hope. Yeah. Uh, uh and then then i let it die oh yeah well you had to move on to adulthood didn't you you know yeah that was kind of it and then and then you just learn how to deal with that um yeah i was about a six or so when i just you know i was like i'm good i'll be okay dark jean gray Jean Grey becomes Dark Phoenix in the comics. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. Yes.

Please don't. And in real life, for me, it was around six. Very different, a little earlier on in life. Well, maybe I'll... I think at my old house in brookline massachusetts somewhere in a box there's still a stuffed opus the penguin from bloom county oh that's awesome if you would like me if you would like me to send it to you i i will accept that it may be infested with ants

then that's so many more things to love. But you know, it's not just one thing. It's many. You know what there never was and never will be? No. A Hobbes the Tiger stuffed animal. You know why? No, I do not.

Because Bill Waterston, who made that comic strip, refused any merchandising offers. Why is that? Just in a, in a, I'm not, I'm not trying to. Cause he hates money. No, because, cause he felt, cause he, I think cause he felt it was sort of, I mean, you know, he's a notorious, not notorious. He's not like a villain. He's not like Leonard and page.

No, no. He is. He is. He has become a recluse and calvin and hobbes have you did you read calvin hobbes you read the comic strips in the when you were growing up at the chelsea hotel there kind of kind of not just not to say that i'm not not a fan of it right you read comic books yes i liked i liked i needed extended stories like i didn't want to wait. Right.

Yeah, I didn't have any patience also. Right. And also, in New York, in Boston where I grew up, the comic pages was a page in the Boston Globe, the newspaper for record there. But in New York, if you wanted to read the comics, you had to pick up the Post. And who wants to do that? Right. Nobody. Nobody wants to do that right nobody nobody wants to do that um i don't remember the post ever being brought into the home yeah right yeah well calvin and hobbes is a is a beautiful piece of literature i highly

recommend people read and reread it i'm i've been rediscovering it because of these weird young humans who live in my home. And he stopped doing it after, I think he did it for 10 years. And he said, I think that's enough. It's never going to get better. And after a while, this boy has to grow up, you know, they'd already played with the timeline and, you know, enough because he had remained whatever age he was supposed to be, 10 years old for 10 years. And the delicacy of this boy maintaining this fantasy life with his lovey, with his Hobbes, the tiger, that would then, in his imagination, turn into a real tiger.

And that delicate game of when he's the tiger. It's like you couldn't play that game forever. And so Bill Waterston said, all right, that's enough. And he retired and he went out to Ohio. And I think he just paints watercolors and oil paintings now. Very talented artist. He's popped up every now and then for an interview. And he did some guest cartooning on

another comic strip the name is escaping me at the moment just the past year i think it was pearls before swine but otherwise he stayed he just he wasn't interested he wasn't interested in in milking this thing for as much money as he could ever get in the world yes because he liked the thing too much do you know what i mean um i I absolutely respect that, and I think it's a really beautiful thing. There's a lot of musicians and people in general. You're like, man, I really wish he would just stop while things are good. And then they don't, and they go on, and you're like, man, you could have stopped like three albums ago

and not taken us all down on this path with you. Right. Or, you know, or a musician changes the things they're interested in. And that's okay. Yeah. And it evolves. Right. Larson figured out and many, it takes a long time for a lot of artists, maybe a lot longer for a lot of ours to figure out is that a,

you change as an artist, whether you want to or not, and you become interested in different things and you have to, or you become less interested in the thing you're doing. And, but that be everybody, everyone who likes your stuff, they just want the same thing over and over again. Right. Exactly. And that's not and over again. Right, exactly.

And that's not going to happen. And, you know, that thing already exists and it's wonderful and they're able to go back and enjoy it. But just as people, we have to evolve. We can't stay the same. So, yeah, I think that's an amazing choice. That's wonderful. And now I'm totally going to get into Calvin and Hobbes. Oh, yeah.

You know what? I'm going to send you a book as a thank you for doing such a great job guest bailing. Yay! And also, I'm going to send you stuffed Hobbes. Oh. Because the point is that I'm releasing my own bootleg stuffed Hobbes. Oh, wonderful. Yeah.

Hobbeses. Yeah. Hobbes? Hobbesi? Hobbesi? You may have seen as you walked into the, into the chambers, there's a, there's I have a huge antechamber to the chamber that is just full of thousands of, of, of bootleg stuffed Hobbes is that I'm going to start selling. Yeah. So sorry, Bill Waterston, but the, the people want it. You know what I mean? They do. Yeah, they do. And, and, you know, all those wonderful things said capitalism. So good job on that.

And speaking of capitalism, Jean, I believe we need to take a quick break for a few messages. Is that correct? That is correct. All right. Break time. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right?

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cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep. That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10 minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world and you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird,

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Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace because yes listening is mandatory the jv club with janet varney is available every thursday on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts thank you and remember no running in the halls if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm.

Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-o-p-p-p-d-c-o-o ah we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go Okay. Here is our next letter. All right. Joseph writes, I grew up in Syracuse and went to college in Manhattan. I lived in Chinatown and Astoria before moving to Hong Kong. Now when people ask where I'm from, I just say New York. If they ask follow-up questions or if it comes up, I'll tell them my story.

Well, let me just say, first of all, it's an amazing story. It's epic. I don't know why you would deny people that story until they really push you for it. All right, Joseph, go on. The amazing Joseph. Some of my colleagues and friends, mostly British and American-born, The amazing Joseph. legitimately from New York, both in the sense that I'm from the state and that I lived my entire adult life in the city before moving here. Can I refer to myself as from New York without further clarification, unless they ask for it? First of all, Joseph, let me just say, I'm sure

your story is very interesting. I was making a little fun there. I don't think you're boring. Just because you grew up in Syracuse, went to college in Manhattan, lived in Chinatown and Astoria before moving to Hong Kong. The Hong Kong part is fascinating. And I'm sure all the rest before it is pretty interesting, too. I'm sure you loved and lost and there's probably more to it than that. So I apologize for saying that it wasn't much of a story. But I will say, Jean Grey gray i alluded to this before you grew up in new york city specifically the chelsea hotel you lived there from ages what to what

um from three months uh and then uh on and off off after 16 until about 30-something. Yeah, right. So do you think Joseph can be out there in Hong Kong going, hey, I'm from New York? What do you think? I will accept, yes, I say that I'm a New Yorker, and I was not born here, but my mom also always said she was a New Yorker and I was, you know, not born here, but my mom also always said she was a New Yorker, also not from here, but spent many, many years in New York.

I just have an issue with living in Astoria because I just don't consider Queens part of New York. That's fair and fair enough. But but where were you where were you born uh i was born in cape town south africa all right and where were you where would you say you were raised i was raised in manhattan in new york were you raised in syracuse no i was not raised in syracuse um i know that i i'm from new New York because, and I would tell my friends from the other boroughs, that when I wrote out my address, I would write New York, New York, and then they would write something else before New York. Yeah, precisely.

So, yeah. You're very generous, Jean, but I'm not letting Joseph get away with this. This nonsense that he's from New York. I mean, no question, Joseph, you are from you are from New York state. But under no circumstances are you legitimately from New York. Everyone understands what you're saying when you say even in Hong Kong, when you say I'm from New York, the implication is that you are from New York. Everyone understands what you're saying when you say, even in Hong Kong, when you say, I'm from New York, the implication is that you are from New York City, and you are misrepresenting yourself. I don't care if you lived in Chinatown and Astoria and went to college in Manhattan.

I'm sure you had some very formative experiences there. But when you say you're from a place, I think that automatically connotes where you were, if not exactly born, where you were raised for the bulk of your childhood and adolescence. Because when you go to college, that's when you leave home. You know what I mean? Unless you go to college in your home. That's when you break out and start your adult life i've lived in new york for 21 years but in no way am i from new york i am from brookline massachusetts i've lived in new york for 21 years right you could live you could live in hong kong for the rest of your natural life but would you ever say you are from hong kong

i doubt it you would say i live in Hong Kong or I make Hong Kong my home. My home. I've lived on and off pretty much in Brooklyn for about 20 years now. And I've done a song, the third part of the Crooklyn Dodgers. And I specifically said, why are you guys having me on the song? I'm definitely not from Brooklyn. And I took great care to explain my entire verse is just saying how I'm not from Brooklyn. Yeah. Right. I mean, that's an important distinction in the same way that Joseph could never, and I trust would never say i'm from chinatown right i mean like that that's you

lived in that neighborhood that neighborhood that is uh uh a multi-ethnic neighborhood but one largely defined by the fact that it is home to many many many chinese americans you know what i mean that's a very specific signifier very specific it's in the name yeah they put it in the name town put it in right there right there exactly so uh and so i mean i think you need to examine why you're embarrassed to say you're from syracuse new york because that's the easiest thing when someone said where are you from i'm from syracuse new york that's a fair thing to say it's not it is a very fair thing to say no No, I, you know, for again, for me, for many years, it was difficult for me during rap shows as rappers do and call out where they're from, you know, and call out neighborhoods. So it was I'm from Chelsea and I kind of wasn't the thing to shout right at that time. But now being an adult and not caring, that is I say that a lot.

No, I'm from specifically Chelsea. Being an adult is not caring about what other people think of you. More often than not. And it is a huge consolation. Not getting wrapped up in what other people think of you based on the signifiers you're giving them about where you're from or what your culture is or what you believe or what kinds of TV shows you like. Just liking the things you like and being who you are and not caring about that stuff is a huge relief in one's life that you are not feeling because you're still implicitly deceiving the English and American people you're meeting in Hong Kong. deceiving the English and American people you're meeting in Hong Kong. But letting go of that is a huge consolation of aging that doesn't make up for the fact that you're that much closer to death.

And also you are weird and old now, but enjoy it. That's all. You can enjoy that consolation before you turn into a weird mustache dad like me. You can start now and just say who you are and where you're from. Yeah. All right. All right. Okay.

We're going to move on. Do you feel, I feel good about that. I feel good about it too. Okay. Um, we're moving on to Ann. Uh,

Ann writes, uh, I'm a little confused by this. Uh, I'll read it a couple of different ways. My husband, Jim, Jesse and I.

So to clarify, she's saying her husband's name is Jim, Jesse, and not my husband, Jim, Jesse, and I. Oh, right. Another. Boy, oh boy. It's a real eat shoots and leaves up in here. Yeah. All right. Well, we'll see if we can figure it out in context.

Okay. My husband, Jim, Jesse, and I have had a longstanding dispute over the priority of watering our gardens when we go on vacation. He thinks we should turn off the water to the house and instead ask neighbors to water our garden using either watering cans or by dragging garden hoses from their yards over to water ours. His desire to turn off the water when we leave stems from an incident that occurred 20 years ago when a pipe broke in our home over Thanksgiving, dropping 10,000 gallons of water through our ceiling. I don't think it's fair to ask our neighbors to supply time and water to our garden. Judge Hodgman, who is right? Well, first of all, I guess the husband's name is Jim Jesse.

Jim Jesse. I want to believe that that's true. And Jesse didn't emerge as a character in this little... No, he did not. is Jim Jesse. Jim Jesse. I want to believe that that's true. So I guess this is, and I've never heard, and Jesse didn't emerge as a character in this little morality play. No, he did not,

which was confusing. So it's got to be Jim Jesse, which is a pretty good name. That's awesome. But Jim Jesse is wrong. Good name, wrong ideas. Because here's the thing.

I don't, I don't get, I don't know why your pipe broke 20 years ago. There only, there's only one reason that I know as a, as a homeowner that pipes break or that people are anxious about pipe break is because they have a house in some Northern climb where they don't live all

the time. And, uh, they're worried about, uh, the water in the pipes freezing because there might be a power outage and the furnace stops working and when that happens that is a big expensive horrible devastating problem and i could imagine if it happened to you it would be uh traumatizing

sounds awful yeah it's you know it's like you get it's not happened to me but you we we have friends who have a home in Maine. The wife is from Maine, and they went back to their house in Maine one time. And it was just like this big frozen. It was like a frozen waterfall in their kitchen. Beautiful, but awful. Right. But I mean, not even a a waterfall like a frozen fountain like somehow it'd come up out it burst out of the out of the floor and created this huge cascade of frozen water

it was like walking into your house and suddenly it's narnia and you owe except you owe a bunch of money your house is messed up it's a different narnia. Yeah, exactly. But, you know, in that's a case, you do want to turn off the water and drain the pipes when you're going away for a long time. But since that hasn't been brought up as an issue, I don't know why. I mean, maybe their home froze over Thanksgiving. I'm just confused as to why hiring a gardener is not an option. Well, that's right. Here's the thing. If they're leaving during cold months, then watering the garden shouldn't be an issue. If they're leaving during warm months and watering the garden is necessary, then your pipes aren't going to freeze.

So what happened with your Thanksgiving pipe disaster was some kind of structural anomaly that I don't know about. And I'm sure lots of people are going to write in and tell me how this happens all the time. But I've lived in a lot of different houses for 43 years. I've never heard of just spontaneous pipe failure being a thing you need to worry about unless it's freezing outside. So if you are asking your neighbors to water your garden and your lawn and so forth, they're doing you a favor, presumably, and you shouldn't unduly burden them with a watering can drag hose scheme

because you are paranoid about something happening that will never ever ever happen again as long as you take reasonable care and i would say you're absolutely right gene why not hire a gardener uh why not hire someone who can turn on the water water the lawn turn off the water and drain and do a quick drain of the pipes again or even better have some local uh kid or college student house sit for you and leave the water on and walk around your house and wear your clothes and pretend to be you and read all your secrets oh no how sitting you know let's let let someone look in on the house and take proper care of it rather than uh uh dead beating uh off your neighbors and getting them to do all kinds of weird work for you watering cans what what decade

do we live in i don't know what year it is i don't know what year it is um but yeah yeah i i there's all sorts of reasonable options many of which you have just presented. And I feel like they haven't taken the time to discuss those, even though it's been a longstanding dispute. So I'm a little confused. Jim Jesse, you're wrong. Okay. We're going to move on. All right.

Knocking him out. Knocking him out. Kicking him in the face. Evan. Evan writes, I have a habit of leaving the cruise control on in my car at all times. My wife insists I should turn it off whenever I'm not actively using it. She says, A, it will burn out the light on the dash, which has never happened in any car I've owned. And B,

a slip of the finger could engage the cruise control, which I argue is disengaged with a tap of the brakes. I am more than willing to acquiesce to her preference when I'm driving her car, though I occasionally forget and leave it on. But Judge Hodgman, should I refrain from leaving cruise control on as a default? And is my wife allowed to treat me as a danger to the public if I forget to turn it off? Jean, you grew up in New York City. New York, New York. Chelsea. Right?

Yes. Yes. Do you have a driver's license? I do not. And I was going to say that I can't answer any of this because I know zero things about cars. This is all gobbledygook to you. It's all moon man language.

Nothing. Do you know how to drive a car? I understand how cars function. Sure. Did you watch that episode of Adventure Time with Weird Al Yankovic doing the voice of their next door neighbor who explains how trucks work in very distinct detail? It's the most amazing. Adventure Time, you guys, if you're not watching it, are you watching it, Jean? It's wonderful. It's really wonderful. It's really one of the most important shows on television. I think it's just so smart, funny, humane,

interesting. The characters are really rich and sad and funny. And this episode where it's called i think it's called found a truck and it's and it's about jake a human child and no excuse me finn a human child and jake a magical dog who live in a weird uh uh narnia like other world called ooh and and finn finds a truck and they they recruit their their neighbor who's some other kind of creature who's's voiced by Weird Al Yankovic, to help them fix it. And the Weird Al Yankovic character then, they said, well, do you know how trucks work? And he says, of course. Then he goes on in what feels like a 15-minute disquisition on how internal combustion engines work that is totally accurate. And it's like, wow, I learned a lot right then.

It was great. It was extremely educational. No, i should probably watch that episode and then uh probably never use that information because i uh i have a fear of speed yeah well let me say this to you if you if you knowing how an internal combustion engine works is not going to help you to drive at all no but uh when you learn or if you learn how to drive you will confront what all new drivers do which is this thing called cruise control which is really terrifying at first blush so cruise control for those of you who don't know because you either grew up in new york city or you're 12 to my two demographics cruise control i myself did not get a driver's license until i was 19 having grown up also on public transportation there's no no shaming at all

thank you i feel none that's right because you're a grown-up you're not like you're not like joseph worrying about no people think i'm from new york and that i don't drive or whatever like yeah chinatown. Joseph, you are from Syracuse, New York, and I bet you knew how to drive the day you were 13. They just, as soon as they just put them right in a car, it is born and they just put them right behind the wheel. That's right. So cruise control is this thing. If you are driving on a highway and you're going to be maintaining the same speed for a long period of time, let's say you're driving across Montana or any place where it's safe to do so, you have a mechanism called cruise control.

You can turn it. I think I know this. I think I know this. Right. So if you select cruise control, can you actually, this is, you can take your foot off the gas. Is that a thing? Exactly. Okay.

That is creepy. Yeah. It's, you know take your foot off the gas. Is that a thing? Exactly. Okay. That is creepy. Yeah. It's creepy. And you turn on the cruise control function, and then it's on. And then a little light comes on, a very confusing icon that looks a little bit like a sundial comes on your dash to say cruise control is activated. And then nothing will happen until you then press a different button to set the cruise control at the speed at which you're traveling or sometimes you

can even adjust it to a specific speed you want and then the car will hold that speed until you tap on the brake or the gas right just you know what i mean But you're turning your car into a robot. It is a step away from self-driving cars, which are also becoming a reality and are equally terrifying, but will soon will be absolutely normal because it's not really such a bad thing to turn your car into a robot. And in this case, well, the other terrifying thing about cruise control is the best part. Well, the other terrifying thing about cruise control, this is the best part. Let's say you're driving at the speed limit of 65 miles an hour on a completely empty highway where it's utterly safe to do so. And then for some reason you have to slow down, right? Maybe you go through a 45-mile-an-hour zone. You tap the gas.

You drop down to 45 miles an hour. And you kind of take it from there. You can then hit a button or activate a function called resume in which the car will bring itself back up to 65 without you doing anything. So basically you press a button and then the car just starts speeding up and you're not touching anything. And it really feels like life is going out of control and so i understand why evan's wife feels a little nervous about cruise control if she hasn't used it but it's a tool like any other and the reality is that as long as evan is using cruise control safely and responsibly it's really it really can't do you any harm. I guess if you are a really bad driver or you're drunk or you're falling asleep,

I guess you could fall asleep more easily in cruise control, and that could cause real damage. Because you're cruising. Because you're cruising, right? The car is just going. But if you're an alert driver and a proper driver, there's no reason you couldn't use cruise control. And Evan, I trust that you are. And in no circumstances is that little sundial light going to burn out on the dashboard.

That's just something Evan's wife is making up. She was just doing it. She was saying a thing. She was saying a thing to say a thing. Yeah. So, yeah. Okay, so if he just forgets and leaves it on in her car, when she gets in the car, can she just not look at it and then turn it off?

Yeah, I mean, I think that Evan is being overly respectful by saying that when he drives his wife's car, he won't turn on cruise control. Because I think the issue at hand here is that you turn on the cruise control function. And then there's a usually these days I rent a lot of cars in my in my job as a car rental evaluation expert. my uh in my job as a car rental evaluation expert which is what it feels like club it's what i feel it's what it feels like i do most of the time actually like no how about this toyota avalon not bad we'll try this one out right well it's usually like a little it's a little lever that comes off the steering column uh how did this turn into car talk and uh this is great and once cruise control is activated you can set cruise control just by flicking it and i guess she's afraid that he's going to have some

involuntary motion and accidentally freeze their car at whatever speed they're traveling at that moment which is not in itself inherently dangerous like it's not an issue because if you're going to brake it'll stop it'll turn off automatically no matter what so i think that it's i think that it's not a particularly rational fear presuminging that Evan is a responsible driver. Turning off cruise control or not activating cruise control in her car, I think, is a is a is a is a gracious gesture that is probably unnecessary. But within his car, yeah, there's no there's no real risk that he'll accidentally set cruise control at 55 or whatever. And and what's the worst is going to happen? They're going to they're going cruise control at 55 or whatever and and what's the worst that's going to happen they're gonna they're going to continue at 55 maybe she's afraid maybe she's afraid that

he's going to set cruise control at 65 they'll be in a 45 mile an hour zone he accidentally clicks the resume and all of a sudden the car starts speeding up the moment you know what that's happening the moment it happens and then you you hit the gas, and it deactivates cruise control, and you don't even speed up. So I think that Evan is the correct person in this dispute, and he should not be treated as a danger to the public. And Evan, this is a message from me, Judge John Hodgman, to you. I am really counting on you to not get into any horrible accidents and thus besmirch the name of this podcast and my judgment please please be the same as safe as possible now that i've given you this tool oh that was wonderful and and i learned so much yeah i'll teach you to drive jean do you want to learn i'm i no um no i don't i i realize that i i i should and

there are things that i you know would be able to do and everybody says you know the freedom it will afford you and i was like well i kind of feel at this point in my life like none of my freedoms My freedoms have really been taken away. I've been pretty free. Yeah. Yeah. More so. I really like cars. Yeah. So that's my issue. I like the way they look like I would like to own a car.

Right. But I kind of just feel like maybe I'll just get, you know, a driver. Sure. That would be exciting. That's a nice thing to have. Yeah. And who can also fight fight fight off crime um you know in in knock them out situations if we are surrounded by ninjas just kind of handle it so you're saying what kind of car would you want to get dream car i really like i like uh, like old Ford pickup trucks.

All right. So here's the deal. Ford pickup truck, Jean gray travel around the country, solving crimes. John Hodgman. Yes. Her chauffeur just known as mustache.

I wear a little, I wear a little black suit and cap. Yes. I never speak. And whenever, whenever you're, you just just you just spend your time solving the crimes using your powers of deduction but if you ever become physically threatened then i come in with the kung fu is that the idea the kung fu and a sword cane right yeah i got

you know in real life i've got more than one sword cane you know that right gene well i would expect that. All right, good. And then can we put all my bootleg stuffed Hobbes's from Calvin and Hobbes in the back of the pickup? Absolutely. Do we leave one of them as a calling card every time we solve a crime? Every time. Yes. I think this is a good deal.

I think we're going to do it. Jean, let's talk about your future. Before we go, you have some things coming out. You have a collaborative album. I do. Tell me about that. It is with a rapper and producer from Detroit named Kweli Chris. And we decided we started talking about making this album maybe about two years ago. And really decided we just wanted to work together on a bunch of projects.

And so the album has kind of taken a long time, I guess longer because I tend to do albums in two or three days. But I'm really, really excited about it. And that'll be out sometime in June. Great. it. Uh, and that'll be out sometime in June on, um, you can get it on my band camp and it'll also kick off, uh, my subscription based service, because I think that's a really interesting way to get things to people so they don't have to keep going to look for it. Uh, so it's already there. So when you subscribe to it, uh, to, to the, to the system, to the system, it shows up already in your phone. You've got all the music.

You get videos and little notes from me. Yeah, it's going to be a sexy photo. Whoa. No, maybe. By maybe, I mean not. Of me, right? Yes. Right.

Okay, good. That's why I made that noise. Whoa. A sexy photo of John Hododgman yeah so i'm that's that's exciting and so that's really cool so you're gonna launch that subscription service off of your band camp page or where where would we go to find out more information on that when it's time yes it'll be on my band camp page which is easy to find at jeangrey.bandcamp.com jeangrey g excuse me i almost made a mistake j j e a n g r a e dot bandcamp.com look for the new album with quelle chris called i sweater god am i pronouncing that correctly? You are. All right.

And you'll find out all the information of Gene's upcoming. And you're not going to find the information. You're going to get the songs, the pictures, the things, the doodads, the Life with Genie YouTube web series. Is that coming back? It's coming back in a different form that I kind of can't talk about. But it's going to be super awesome. And I'm very excited to be jumping back into the show and kind of doing it the way we intended in the first place. And I presume this is a self-produced improvisational, well, not even improvisational, scripted situation comedy starring the great Jean Grey.

Scripted situation comedy starring the great Jean Grey. And I presume that if you subscribe to the Jean Grey Life Experience subscription at jeangrey.bandcamp.com, you will get all the information about that as well, right? Correct. All right. people actors comedians rappers singer performer performance artist chef instagrammer can follow you at at gene greasy on twitter j-e-a-n-g-r-e-a-s-y genie grigio on instagram of course gene gray.bandcamp.com listen you guys i'm starting to do a little uh touring and a little bit of a little bit of laying the groundwork for a bigger tour in the fall. Let me tell you about a couple of things that are happening on June 22nd. I am going to be in Charleston, West Virginia.

I know my first time in West Virginia, thanks to Chase Henderson, a fan who's been driving to Pittsburgh the last few times I performed. He said he'll get me into West Virginia, thanks to Chase Henderson, a fan who's been driving to Pittsburgh the last few times I performed. He said he'll get me into West Virginia, and he did it. Nice. But you can find out all the details by going to johnhodgman.com and click on Tour. And you can find all of my tour dates, including these other ones. On May 13th, 14th, i will be in boston massachusetts my home town to perform uh with the boston pops which is the the the popular music version of boston symphony orchestra the two evenings are the bostonops plays the Beatles. So they're going to play a lot of Beatles songs.

But I am very excited. I will be performing a new narration to Benjamin Britton's A Young Person's Guide to the Orchestra. Jeannie, do you ever see Moonrise Kingdom, the Wes Anderson movie? So you know how it starts with this record playing and there's this child describing the different sections of the orchestra oh wow just say yes is this what you're doing yes no no i'm just very excited yeah me too i'm really excited about it it's gonna be really fun it's may uh may 13th and 14th in the evening 8 p.m and then again as a matinee on the 16th which is the saturday at 3 p.m and all all the details you can find by going to BSO.org and clicking on their Boston Pops schedule page.

And you just scroll down. You can buy tickets. That'll also be on my website, johnhodgman.com. And then tickets are now on presale for my big show, my big fall show at the Wilbur Theater, which is on September 12th. You can go to johnhodgman.com, click on tour, and find your way to tickets for that because that's going to be a great show. I've played the Wilbur twice now.

I don't think I did it in 2014. I'm really happy to be coming back to 2015. It's one of my favorite houses to play, and I would love to see all my people from Brook brookline and boston and even newton uh and anyone in new england who would like to come uh it'll be great and i will be as with all of these tour dates uh i can't speak for the pops because i don't know what their policy is but all my personal tour dates i will always come out and say hello to anyone who wants to be said hello to and uh and maybe even other words so there you. Anything else we need to talk about there, Jean, before we go?

I think I'm okay. Good. I'm good. I feel good about all of this. Our producer is Julia Smith. Our editor is Mark McConville. You can always follow me, John Hodgman, at Hodgman, at H-O-D-G-M-A-N. And of course, bailiff Jesse Thorne will be returning.

Gene, you did a wonderful job. But he will be returning next time, I believe, unless something that I don't know about happens. But who knows? The future is always mysterious. You can follow him at Jesse Thorne dot com. You can follow us on Facebook and all sorts of other places that Jesse always knows to say. But I never do because I just use Twitter and Instagram. follow us on Facebook and all sorts of other places that Jesse always knows to say, but I never do because I just use Twitter and Instagram. John Hodgman on Instagram, by the way, J-O-H-N-H-O-D-G-M-A-N.

And then there's the official Judge John Hodgman Facebook page, which I also contribute to sometimes. If you'd like to submit a case to Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash J.J. Ho. There's a form you can fill out. I review all the cases personally. And as well, you can always go to maximum fun dot org to check out past episodes of Judge John Hodgman, to subscribe, to listen, to dispute, to discuss on the message boards and also check out all the other great maximum fun podcasts. I think that's it for now. Thanks so much for joining me, Jeannie, in Chambers. Why don't we start to get out on the street, get into our truck, and start selling these Hobbes bootleg stuffed animals? I think it's about time. All right, here we go.

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