Judge John Hodgman - Laissez Hair

Episode Date: May 28, 2014

Leala's husband acts as her in-house hairdresser and helps her dye her hair each month. Now he wants to retire the gloves and send her to the salon. 

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, lacy hair. Lila brings the case against her husband, Beau. For many years, he's helped her dye her hair bright pink at home. It's a process that takes several hours. a professional. Lila says it saves money, and it's not hard for him to do, and she wants him to continue to be her hairdresser in residence. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Thank you for changing my life. My boyfriend Harold and I were keeping company for five years, but he never wanted to set a date. This made me very nervous. I am 28, and my mother kept saying soon it would be too late for me. Then I saw a Clairol ad in the subway. I dyed my hair blonde, and that is how I am in Bermuda now on my honeymoon with Harold.

Bailiff Jesse, swear them in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his hair has no natural color, only bioluminescence.

I do. I do. Very well, Judge Hodgman. Thank you very much, Leela and Beau. You may be seated. There is something about my voice today that makes me want to speak slowly like a computer. For an immediate summary judgment in your favor,

which one of you can or cannot name the piece of culture I referenced as I entered the courtroom? I think I can. Speak now, male human. Is it from hair? No. Well, that would have been good. Can I get a second guess? Yes.

Warren. No. No. Shampoo? That also would have been good. Can I get a second guess? Yes. Warren? No. Shampoo? That also would have been good. Hairspray? But you are wrong. Did you guys just make a list of guesses going into this? Ignore him doing his

dramatic recital. You're just reading off the list you made? Jesse, they are truly spamming the engine. They're spamming the popular culture reference engine. Hairspray would have been good. Shampoo would have been good. I wish I had thought of those things. But then again, I am glad I did not.

Because, oh, you know, I almost went to, since the subject of the show, of this dispute, is Lila, your hair being dyed pink, I almost went to beauty school dropout for a course. That I would have gotten. I know, that's why I didn't use that one. That's not fair. No, it's totally fair. It is totally fair. Any decently

culturally literate person would, of course, have recognized what I quoted as being from a letter sent to Shirley Polikoff as related in Malcolm Gladwell's New Yorker article, true colors from 1999. I can't believe you guys didn't get that. I was just close.

I know. Shirley Polykov was the advertising copywriter who created the campaign for Miss Clairol, Does She or Doesn't She? Only her hairdresser knows for sure. In the mid-50s, when the first at-home hair coloring system was introduced to the American public by Mrs. Polykov and Clairol, obviously. And Malcolm Gladwell wrote this really interesting article about how the ability for women to color their hair at home transformed, was part of an unsung part of the feminist movement, since it transformed women's abilities to express themselves through hair. They could transform themselves ethnically. They could transform themselves from demographic to demographic. And Shirley Polykoff was a Jewish

woman who dyed her hair blonde, was very proud of being Jewish, but she knew that that would get her further in the world. And then gradually, just as an expression of the self, it was a method of self-reinvention. And this particular ad campaign that she created as the only female copywriter, the Peggy of this office, of this ad agency. She created it and it transformed how people understood hair color because prior to Miss Claire all being introduced in 1955 or 56, I believe, it was coloring your hair was considered only for, for, for trollops. If you know what I mean. And so she's a really interesting character who transformed herself personally and then helped a generation of women transform themselves.

And then the other half of the article is about a different female copywriter who a couple of years later wrote the copy ad for L'Oreal's competing home hair dyeing product, which was a little bit more expensive. And they acknowledged this and then said, because I'm worth it. And because I'm worth it became this hugely resonant moment in the readers of women's magazines' lives when they felt like it was okay to say, I can spend money on myself, I'm worth it. Anyway, I thought it was very interesting. End of podcast, You both lose.

Okay. Thank you. No. So Lila, you bring this case to my internet court because you routinely have your hair dyed what color? Pink, but also some red and orange and purple in the past year or so. but mostly pink. All different colors. Yes. What is your natural hair color? It is brown. It is?

Yeah. Yes. I haven't had my natural hair color since I was a teenager. Are you guys married? Yes. What are your ages? I'm 34. I'm 39. How old are you?

39. You're 39, Beau How long have you been married? 10 years And what is your anniversary? Quick, quickly, Beau July 5th July 5th

You get points off, Beau You let her get in there before you July 5th Yes 2004 Yes On that blessed day of your reunion What color was Leela's hair, Beau?

Quickly. It's bright red because we got married on stage at a concert I was playing. And his hair was pink, actually, at that time. Yeah. Are you Hedwig and the Angry Inch or something? No, I've played in bands for years. I used to tour back then a little bit. You're a punk rocker.

Former, I guess, yeah. little bit you're a punk rocker uh former i guess yeah what color well your color it was hair your hair was colored pink on july 5th 2004 yes what kind of punk rock did you play oh man we were a really loud bad band we were like really really really loud uh kind of i don't know it was kind of country punk. Yeah, country punk. Country punk rock. Yeah, I guess so. Are you still together? Are you in the band?

No, they still play, though. I moved away. What is the name of that band? Oh, no. The Allman Brothers? It's Fog Hats, Rascal Flats. I can't say it. It's going to be cool. Billy Joe Winghead. Billy Joe. Fog hats, rascal flats. Billy Joe. I can't say it. It's going to be good.

Billy Joe wing head. Billy Joe wing head? Yes. I like it. I don't mind you. Do you mind buzz marketing your former band? Did they kick you out? Were you a bad influence on the band?

No, I moved to Texas because Lila got hired down here. And I got a much different reaction for my pink hair than she got for hers in Texas. Okay. So, so Lila, you really, you really Yoko Ono'd this band out of existence or at least. I took their drummer. Yeah. I took their best drummer ever. Boy, oh boy. You traded it all for a drummer too. You moved to Texas from where? Oklahoma? Oklahoma. Yeah.

Yeah. It was a good guess, wasn't it? You know how I could guess that, Beau? Please don't say our accents. No, you just strike me from the way you talk as a fan of old school Oklahoma cafeteria style food. Yeah, furs. That was something that you mentioned before we started recording. That was something that you mentioned before we started recording. And basically, I want to throw your case out of court so that we can, we've gotten past the Malcolm Gladwell article that I wanted to talk about. And now I just want to talk about old school Oklahoma cafeteria style food. Cafeteria style. What did you mean by that? When I was a kid, my mom would take us once in a while to FERS and you get a platter, I guess a tray, and you go through and you get to pick out whatever food you wanted.

I know what a cafeteria is. I haven't been to one in forever. It may be that you misunderstand. This is, this may just be cafeteria style food that you think only exists in Oklahoma. No, it's, I don't know. I don't know if FERSS is outside of Oklahoma or not. What is FURS? F-I-R or F-U-R? F-U-R-R-S. F-U-R-R-S. And what do they serve? What makes it... If you were at a cafeteria, aside from the location, if you were in a cafeteria-style restaurant and it didn't have blank, it would therefore not be an Oklahoma cafeteria- style restaurant.

I distinctly remember the chocolate, the cream chocolate pie. It's kind of like puffy chocolate stuff. Yeah, I know what a cream chocolate pie is. What the hell it was, but it was good. I want to go there now. Yeah. Let's call it off, dudes. Yeah.

All right. Getting back to biz. You are married. You love each other. Lila, you have always have crazy colored hair because your job is punk rocking. No, I'm a graphic designer. You know, I'm a little hepper than I than I make myself seem. I just I like I like to pretend that I'm the 42 year old guy who just is like, well, if you have crazy colored hair, you must love punk rock, because that's what I remember. Well, it's not too far off from the truth in my youth, I guess. And you're a graphic designer in Austin, Texas? Yeah, no, we live near Dallas.

Oh, you live near Dallas. All right. I don't know. I just presumed because you had funny colored hair you had to be in Austin. I would prefer to be in Austin. I like Austin. sure sure but all right so here we go you color your hair and uh how often do you have to do it once every like six to eight weeks right and you are too cheap and shy to go to a salon so you make beau do it and beau doesn't like it and you're mad about it so tell tell me about that. That's a really great summary. I'm good at this. That's a perfect summary. Basically, we can save nearly $100 if we do it at home versus going to a salon, because I can just buy the color that I want, and then take a couple hours out of our lives and have my hair done.

Well, it's hours out of her life as well. Yes. And then have it done that way. All right. So, and this happens, I'm sorry, about once a month, did you say? Once every other month, you know, not every month. Once every other month. Yeah.

Okay. So, so every eight weeks or so, Bo, you get recruited to do a dye job on your wife. Yes. Correct. Describe this process to me. And be aware that you should use the rhetorical device of describing it in terms that will convey to us in the audience what an awful imposition and disgusting thing this is for you to do. Okay. To touch your wife every eight weeks. It starts with, we need to stop by Sally's, which is the salon supply place.

So we go by there, and I get the feeling of dread. I have to follow her around in the store as we look for her products, and then she has to look at nail polish and everything else. So that takes a while. And then we go home, and then I have to put it... She knows better about the process, but I put it into... You know, I'll just interrupt you there. For a relatively

young punk rocker, you sure are sounding like one of the Lockhorns. Well... He is getting your forehand. That's me getting you back for your... Jesse, that's me getting you back for your Lockhorns reference the other week. I love a your Lockhorns reference the other week. I love a good Lockhorns reference.

The only time I wouldn't enjoy a Lockhorns reference is if it was made by my mother-in-law. Oh, that old bag. All right, so you have to follow your wife around a lady store. No, no, that's not what I meant. Oh, I'm sorry. That's what you said. No, no, that's not why I'm lying. It's just, you know, I don't know. So I get home and I have to put it in a bowl. No, no, no, I want you to complete your sentence.

It's not that you're embarrassed to follow your wife around a ladies' store. It is that. No, I don't think it's that at all. It's just boring. It's boring. Yeah, I just didn't want to hurt my wife's feelings, but yeah, it's boring. No, this is where, this is where, you know, you hurt your wife's feelings. Okay. You know, in the sanctum sanctorum of an internet courtroom, the proceedings of which are broadcast around the world, this is when you want to do it. Because at the end, everyone's going to feel great and your memory will be erased.

Well, I will admit that I don't know if it's legitimately the dread that I feel or if that's just being created and it bothers me a little bit and over the years it's started to bother me more just because it's... Don't roll your eyes.

Please don't roll your eyes. There's no proof that I rolled my eyes. Please don't roll your eyes. There's no proof that I rolled my eyes. I could hear it from here. I could hear it over Skype. So, wait, am I still going over the process, I guess? Yes. Yeah, but you might speed it up a little bit. And I don't need comments from you, Lila.

You'll get your turn. Sorry. So, if we have to bleach a little bit, I have to put the bleach in a bowl, and I have to make sure that it goes only on the roots, and then we mix up the color, and then I have to put the color in the hair. And how do you apply the color to the hair? With a brush,

and I have to wear gloves that make my hands sweaty. And then we have to put, but it takes, I want to say more than two hours, I mean, it takes a while, two to three hours. And she gets to be on her iPad and checking out Tumblr while I'm having to do all the work, by the way. I'd like to present that as evidence. Sure.

And there's, you wouldn't ever talk to one another during this process. It would just be stone silence. You wouldn't be enjoying each other's company. No, not really. No. How does the, no, I'm sorry. I interrupted you. You were going to say, yes, not really. No, yes. How does the – no, I'm sorry. I interrupted you. You were going to say yes.

You actually do talk, obviously. Well, in this entire time, I'd like to also present as evidence that we're attempting to not get any of the dye on anything. But I'll just say this. I'm more careful about it than she is because the dye will stick to – it will dye anything, our carpet, our countertop, uh, uh, the bathroom tile, anything. And she's not as care. I'd like to emphasize that she's not as careful about it as I am.

Do you mean to say that she occasionally just like shakes, whips her hair around like a, like a Will Smith progeny just for fun? No, no. She's, she's like, after washing it out, you have to wash the color out the bathtub and the shower can look like we just murdered a cow in there or something. It's like, after washing it out, you have to wash the color out. The bathtub and the shower can look like we just murdered a cow in there or something. It's like a slaughterhouse. And, and you'll find little drips. I have to, I have to, I'm going to have to follow around.

Be careful. And I'll have to scrub up the drips. Why aren't you more careful, Leela? This is an exaggeration. We have not had any issues with dripping color onto the floor in our house. So this all takes place in the bathroom, in the bathtub? No, tell them where it takes place. In the kitchen.

Okay, why is that such a big deal, Beau? Well, because the bathroom is filled with tiles that are a little bit more resistant to staining. But the kitchen has tile too, which is why we do it in the kitchen. You have one of those kitchens that's done over completely in shag carpeting. No, but we have shag carpeting next to the kitchen. I really like that house in Spain, but I really had my heart set on shag carpeting countertops. There are no stains on our carpet. I would just like to have that for the record.

Go ahead. There are stains on our kitchen countertop and our bathroom countertop. And I've removed those stains. And stains are on our cutting board. I haven't removed those stains. Were you cutting her hair with a kitchen knife? No. It gets everywhere, I'm telling you.

She doesn't notice it, but when you do any little thing with it, one little drop, it will stain anything. It'll get on your linoleum, I guess that's the term for it. You just swung all the way around from Mr. Lockhorn to Mrs. Lockhorn. Well, I want our deposit back when we leave, I guess. I love it. Oh oh so you're renting currently yeah yeah do you have any outdoor space in which to do this i never thought about that on the lawn there you go fun yeah well i may have solved a problem but not the big problem we have

a pool lila lila why is this going why is this going on look Look, in my life, I'm married to a human woman who used to color her hair but does so no longer. She never asked me to help her. She would sometimes go to a salon, sometimes do it herself, but I was not involved. All of those womanly arts were kept secret from me. Is this the sort of thing that is usually done if you're if you're coloring your hair at home is usually done with a pal or can you do it yourself um it depends on what you're doing i used to color my hair by myself for many years because i used a different type of color that is a lot easier and you can just you know put it on like you would shampoo or something so it's not

doesn't require any help but this process since it's two steps with the bleaching the roots and then putting the pink color all over and also trying not to make a mess, it requires more help than what I used to do. So that's why this is sort of a newish problem. Why did you make the change? From pink? I mean, from red to pink? No, no, no. Why'd you make the change from the easier thing to the harder thing?

Did you feel that Beau wasn't doing enough work? No, because I wanted pink. The red was more of like a natural ginger, normal red. I wanted something that was not natural. So the pink is only available in this high labor intensive format. He's exaggerating the amount of labor involved. He's exaggerating. All right. All right.

You know what? Let's hear it from your point of view. How long does it take? The first part of the process is putting the bleach on the roots of my hair, the parts that are brown. That takes maybe 30 minutes of his time. And then he can go away while it sets and I can, you know,

do something else and then wash it out. You can just, you can just shake, shake, shake your hair shake your hair around like a wet golden retriever. No. And get bleach all over the place. No, I do not. I'm very careful. And then, so 30 minutes, he's doing this for 30 minutes, going through your hair, and then he walks away.

Yes. And then he's got to come back and do more work, or is that it? And then he goes away for a while, and I rinse it out and dry my hair, and then he comes back to put the pink on, and that's another 30 minutes worth of time, and then his obligations are complete. And I can just wait for the color to set and wash it out myself, and the rest of it doesn't involve him at all. So this is only like an hour of his time.

And, Beau, what do you do during your hair coloring intermission? Oh, man, what do I do? I probably work on the game I work on, or I don't know. Take a nap? Look at YouTube videos, take a nap. When you say work on the game you work on, do you mean that you're working on developing a game for sale? Yeah, we have two games currently.

Well, one's in development, the other one's live. It's been live for a few years. You're not just building experience points, in other words. No, no, I'm not currently, well, one's in development, the other one's live. It's been live for a few years. You're not just building experience points, in other words. No, no, I'm not playing a game, no. He means working. I did that for a while. But you guys are both employed, correct? Yes. Yeah, and Beau works

at home. That's just for the record. I'm sorry. I'll interrupt you. No, that's right. I understand, Leda. That makes him your servant. Do you work at home? I do not work at home. I work outside of the home. You both work, though. You both have an income. This is about a $100 process at a salon. There are professionals who do this for you. Many people like going to these professionals because it allows them to have some time to themselves or to catch up with friends at the salon or what have you.

This is what I learned from the Lockhorns. My understanding of what a lady's hair salon is like, oh, so much dish, right? But the point is that $100 every eight weeks does not seem like, to me, a catastrophic expense in your lives. I could be wrong. What is the reason that you are not going to the salon? Here are your three choices. We really can't afford a hundred dollars every eight weeks. I really love to have those fingers all up in my hair and it's a fun time for

us to be together and I wish he enjoyed it more or see other. Um, I wouldn't use the word. Understand if you say B, about loving your husband and all that at this point, it's going to be, I'm just going to say you're lying. You think that's what I want to hear. No, I wouldn't use the word catastrophic amount of money, but it is a significant amount to spend that much versus if I were to do it at home, it's only about $20 worth of cost.

So, you know, it's an amount of money I would prefer not to be spending on this. If I were to give you $100 every eight weeks, if the court were to award damages to Beau, where I give him $100, this is a weird thing, that it could only be spent on a salon, would all the problems be solved, or would you still prefer to do it at home? Maybe that would solve the problem. But not for sure.

Because honestly, if this were suddenly a new kind of podcast where it's John Hodgman microfinances weird habits and I were to set aside $100 every – let's just go every month for a touch-up, for heaven's sake. $100 a month, $1,200 a year that you can only use on going to salons to get your hair colored. If that was your preference, you'd be like, yay, problem solved, but it's not solved. So why don't you want to go to the salon? I don't really like the process of going to the salon and having, you know, to have a stranger in my personal space and all that and having to make small talk for hours with someone that I don't know very well. I don't really enjoy that process.

You don't want to do something because you don't enjoy the process. Yeah. Okay, good. Well, that's good for you, but no good for Beau, apparently. Right. Well, yeah. Do you do, is there any trade off here? Do you do any comparable kind of time?

You know, do you do any kind of comparable time intensive favor for Bo? Do you shave his back or anything? Do you preferably something that involves everyone looking their worst? No, but I have offered that in exchange for his continued help. I have said that if there was something that I could do that takes an equivalent amount of time, that I would be willing to

do that, but he refused that offer. Your Honor, that was a recent development. I would like to put that out there. It was still an offer made. Is it true or is it not true that she made that offer? True, but I looked at her and I said, okay, I get an hour back massage and she kind of rolled her eyes at me. Is that true? Did you roll your eyes? I don't remember doing that. Come on. You are well trained by Justin Bieber's legal team. I do not recall. I don't recall. I don't recall.

Guess what? I don't recall. You should testify before Congress sometime. I'm just not sure there's an adequate or an equal thing that she could – well, now I'm hearing the jokes already. I'm not sure that – she's not going to dye my hair. Everybody listening in your cars, this is a family podcast. And that means we have a responsibility to keep it clean, and so do you, you guys. Stop thinking about the things you're thinking about.

I'm talking about back shaving, nose hair removal, hair dyeing. Nose hair removal? Yeah, sure. Okay. But if the hour back massage, was that a bona fide offer or was that a rhetorical offer that you didn't, you never expected to be accepted?

And if it was, you don't really want it. I didn't expect it to be accepted, but I will, even though I'm scared that this will kind of go against my case, I will admit that that would be, it wouldn't be a fair exchange, an hour back massage. It would be a fair exchange. No, it would not, because I think she'd get the raw end of that stick, whatever, because I think it's more labor intensive to massage someone's back. I'm working really hard to keep this family friendly right now, and I don't need you talking about sticks or raw eggs. I'm sorry, John. But, no, I don't think that – I think an hour back massage is very –

It's more work. It's more work than what you do. Is there anything that's going on – Is there anything that's going on? You know, obviously, you want me to find in your favor, sir, and say, let's stop this. Right? Yes. Oh, yeah. And then that would mean either she would have to find someone else to do it that she would pay or someone else to do it, some friend to do it.

Right? Yeah. Most of her friends are guys who probably wouldn't do it. But, yeah. Most of her friends are guys. You probably wouldn't do it, but yeah. All right. So is there anything, is there, if I were to find in her favor,

however, and compel you to do it, is there anything you would take in return as payment? Oh, an hour back massage is more, is, is more compensation than you require. Is there some lingering task about the house or, or, or in your life that you don't feel like doing every eight weeks that she could do as compensation to you?

She can mow the lawn. That'll never happen. Would that ever happen? No. If you sincerely wanted me to mow the lawn, I would do it. You could weed eat. How about that? You could do the weed eater.

Okay. There you go. Are you sure? It sounds to me, Mr. Lockhorn, like you don't think a lady can take care of your lawn. No, not at all. He wouldn't want me to because he would say I would hurt myself or something. No, no. I'm not.

Oh, no, no. That's not it. I'm trying to think of an equivalent of the, because you have to understand, most of the trouble I have with the hair dyeing is not necessarily i'm physically incapable of lifting a brush for 30 minutes or an hour it said it it literally is uh it's it's just i i dread it it's kind of like um uh i don't that's what i'm saying i don't understand if it's something that's just built up over the years and i don't feel like doing it because of maybe i'm getting near 40 and i'm i don't know i feel like stop how many how many I'm getting near 40 and I'm, I don't know. I feel like.

How many, how many, how many? Yeah, I can, we can hear it over here. How many times would you estimate you have done this chore? Uh, 15 times. Maybe less than that. You know what, Lila? I'm asking your husband. Yes. Thank you.

Thank you, Your Honor. All right. Here's what I want to do. I want to talk to Lila for a second about some of the photos she sent in of the hair dying.

And I want you to think for a few moments quietly and do not feel you need to engage in this conversation no matter what she says that's inaccurate or inflammatory.

Okay. I want you to come back to me with damages if I were to find in her favor but order damages or compensation, frankly, to you. What would be a fair thing that you would let her do and you would feel good about it? And two, I want you to put your finger on what it is you dread about this thing, because from my point of view, this is an hour plus a intermission of some period of time, uh,

out of your life every eight weeks, uh, that is saving you guys money. It's not a, it doesn't feel like a huge imposition to me. So you need to paint a picture, psychological, external or psychological as to why this is unbearable to me. So you need to paint a picture psychological, external, or psychological as to why this is unbearable to you, such that this court will be moved.

All right. I can do that. You go work on that now. Okay. Now, Lila, this is John Hodgman speaking to you. Yes. You sent in these photos, and here's some, they're the I've been speaking to you. Yes. You sent in these photos. And here's some, they're the process photos. I see your hair being bleached. I see your hair being colored. And I see your hair.

And then I see your hair in lovely pink. And then I see your hair in lovely pink in what looks like a French braid of some kind. Right. That's the after photo. That's the after photo. That's how you choose to wear it most of the time? Not all the time, just sometimes. That was the only picture I had of that.

And this is all Beau's handiwork? It is. He does a very good job. I would just like to add that to the record. I think he does do a good job. I would just like to add that to the record. I think he does do a good job. Although I would say this French braid, we'll put all these up on the blog, obviously. The French braid looks a lot richer and more even and beautiful than when it's just loose. Why is that? Is that just a different time?

That was the before and after. The before is whenever it was all faded. So that's why you recolor, because it fades. So you were getting into the recolor, into this beautiful. It looks great. Beau does a good job. He does a good job. You should pay him.

You know what I mean? I'm thinking. Now here's a photo. I know, you keep thinking. I'm thinking now here's a I know you keep thinking here's a photo of you

with Samantha Newark the voice actress who played Jem on the cartoon Jem and the Holograms I've had more random photos sent to me

explain why you sent this one to me though um just to show that I mean to show off obviously

you met the voice of Jem right right and she's one of the influences that makes me want to have pink hair. So I thought I would include that. Well, she also has pink hair. Yes. And how is she an influence upon your life?

Well, because I watched Jem when I was a child and everyone on that show had brightly colored hair. So I've loved it my whole life. And how did you come to meet her and her pink hair? There was a screening at a theater of some episodes of Gem and she came to watch them with us and do a Q&A afterwards. What universe do you live in? There's a screening of episodes of Gem? Yes.

Does she tour with episodes of Gem? I think this was just a special thing here because I think she's from here. Is it possible that after the first episode of Gem everyone in the theater was like that's okay. We've seen enough episodes of Gem.

No, we watched like five and it was amazing. They are hilarious. Okay, Jesse. Opening scene of a movie. Yeah. A Samantha Newark-style voice actress in her 40s who voiced an arguably semi-popular children's show in the early 80s is going from town to town in a burgundy Lincoln Continental with a bunch of video cassettes in the back.

And she just talks local theaters into letting her put on her show. It's a stranger comes to town and then I have to figure out what the other characters are. She meets a young woman who's, who's in a, who's in a, in a, in a marriage in crisis.

And she saw, and she solves their problems by inspiring them both in some way. But then she refuses to leave because she's tired of the road. She solves their problems by inspiring them both in some way. But then she refuses to leave because she's tired of the road. This is the first Judge John Hodgman movie, you guys. I'm going to Hollywood next week. I'm going to pitch it. I want to make it clear that I am not against going to see the woman who voiced Jim and the Holograms. I really liked Jem and the Holograms as a child

myself. I just think that my tolerance as an adult for watching episodes of Jem and the Holograms would end at about 20 minutes. It's just so beautifully, I think maybe just because I was, it was a little after my time in the Saturday morning realm. So it, but I'm aware of it, obviously. So it just so weird beautifully esoterically specific no that's brave star oh nice nice nice pull thank you deep cut deep cut all right anyway uh i love that you love samantha newark samantha newark we're gonna create a a vehicle for you and it's gonna be a burgundy lincoln continental and we're gonna show we're not going to make the movie about you going around

forcing movie theaters to show episodes of Gem, but that's how we're going to distribute the movie as well. All right, back to you, Beau. Yes. First thing first, why do you hate this so much? I guess I can sum it up. I've been a writer, freelance writer for years, and one of the most tedious parts of the job was two things. Cleaning up hair dye. Cleaning up hair dye off my keyboard. No, I'm just kidding. Editing, you know, just little tedious articles like news bits. Those were the most. So it was just aggravating. It wasn't physically hard or, you know, above my abilities. It was just aggravating for whatever reason. And and and reading and reading and responding to some of the troll comments in the in the comment sections. That was just really aggravating. But again, both of them, it's not that it's physically so tiring,

but it is a little bit tedious where I don't want her to make it sound like it's so easy. I mean, not, not just anybody can do it. You know, I'm an, I'm an artist, so maybe I have some skill with a brush. I don't know, but it's just tedious to do. It makes, it's just, it's, it's mentally taxing to have to sit there. It's not like she rolled her eyes again, Judge. Just like to put that for the record. So, you know what? So am I.

Well, it is. It's physically taxing. And it's also. I'm asking you to go deep here, buddy. Well, okay. Maybe it's, like I said, I'm hitting 40 in June. You have to. All right.

Now we're getting somewhere. And maybe it's. What day? What day in June? June 7th. Oh, so close. Yeah. To June 3rd, my birthday.

Oh, very cool. You can come over to our party then. You can be the entertainment. I will also be turning 40. Oh, awesome. I didn't know that. Once I hit 42, I started aging backwards. Well, maybe that has something to do with it.

Tell me why. All right. You obviously know. You've done your research. You made the list of hair movies that you could quote. You obviously know what buttons to push when it comes to Judge John Hodgman. Mention you're turning 40. Suddenly, all my attention is on you.

So why does this have anything to do with turning 40? Well, I just, I'm wondering how long it'll go on. And so I won't mention the third possible outcome of the case that I thought of, which was to let her care go natural because I brought that up and she told me, okay, if you brought that up and he decided on that, I would also ask him if he could award a divorce in this case. So that's not going to happen. But I do wonder, you know, because I used to do crazy hair and stuff like that when I was playing a lot, you know, and I used to have my fun.

But, you know, I just, it's maybe also it's something that I feel she should be doing with a friend or the hairdresser. Maybe she'd get more bang out of it. They could talk, you know, about what's on Tumblr and the work. So you're saying you think it's, you're over it. Yeah.

And you think she should be too. Well, and also you resent that she uses Tumblr so much. No, I just, I'm just bringing it up. She likes Tumblr a bit, but,

um, you know, I, I'm just wondering, I don't know, wondering how long she'll how long i'll be dying her hair for and also it it i've expressed i don't like to do it but she's kind of just ignored that she'll say well we'll let's go to the you know the hair place sally's

whatever we'll get some stuff and i'm like but i told you i didn't like it and there's nothing really equivalent i think in our life where I do the same. Well, maybe like the robot toy store or whatever you call it. She doesn't like going there. But other than that, you know, there's, there's nothing really that's equivalent. You know, if she tells me she doesn't like doing something anymore, she, she wouldn't do it again. Say more about the robot toy store.

Well, I, you know, I'm, I know, I like model kits and stuff like that. I enjoy some of them. And like we were just at a convention, a comic, Dallas Comic Con, and she has to kind of wander behind me while I'm looking at the robots and the little toys and stuff from the 80s, you know, that I like to buy. And, you know, if she – Let me ask you – Yeah.

Let me ask you this question. I hope you heard me say that you do a wonderful job dyeing her hair. Yeah, okay, it's all right. Thank you, though. Doesn't your wife look beautiful with dyed hair? Oh, she looks adorable. Don't get me wrong, yeah. All right.

It was pretty easy for me to get you wrong based on what you were saying, so I just wanted to establish a baseline that you think your wife looks beautiful. Maybe it's more that I say I don't like it, and she basically threw – it's like I'm saying I don't like it, I don't like it. And it's like a movie. You fade to the next scene, and I'm sitting there doing her hair. It's like wah, wah, you know? Yeah, that's going to be a scene in our movie. All right, cool.

But, you know, that's – and so it's aggravating. It's not necessarily the physical. And it is, but it is a little tedious because I have to in. It's so it's aggravating. It's not necessarily the physical. And it is, but it is a little tedious because I have to be careful. You've said it. You've said it. You've said enough. Okay.

You've made you got you got to the heart of something. And I'm and I'm glad of it. Okay. Phew. Your comments about tediousness. We're starting to get tedious. Well, then, you know, the feeling there you go now do you have if i were to rule in her favor but order her to compensate you for your skills and time do you have a a comparable favor or task or

chore that she could take off of your shoulders uh yeah you know actually i think there is one it's kind of unrelated in a way but i think she should that's all right she should clean the kitty litter instead of me doing it it's just you know i don't know if you have cats or if you enjoy cats i believe i believe you've talked about it i yes i've touched many feces of cats and it's again not in it not a task that is physically so demanding but but tedious i have to say I have to say that based on what I understand about the smell and the acrid smell and sort of detail-oriented, tedious work of coloring one's hair, changing the cat litter is almost genius. Yeah, see? As a counterpart.

Just in terms of dealing with substances that you probably don't want to have on your hands and you have to wear gloves and you're doing something that I think clearly not everyone in the world finds coloring someone else's hair as distasteful as you, sir, but everyone in the world does find cleaning a cat box distasteful. Is that not so, Lila? How often have you cleaned the cat box this year? Oh, answer him. I don't ever clean the cat box. I don't ever clean the cat box. How many cats do you have?

Two. Brother. And you obviously have no children. No. Or we would have heard them in the background by now. No. All right. Thank you for tying down the cats, by the way.

All right, Lila, are there any other areas where you feel as shy as you do about going to the salon? Is this a salon-specific distaste, or is it more generalized to your life? I think it's more general. Yeah. How would you describe Lela's approach to the outside world mo um i think she's she's uh the the world's most functioning shy person ever like she's very she's not outgoing she's she's so quiet sometimes people don't know uh if she likes them or not but she's just honestly really quiet she's not, it's not like she's incapable or super frightened of people, but certain situations do make her uncomfortable. Specificity is the soul of narrative.

Ordering pizza. I have to order the pizza and pay the guy and stuff like that. I go to the store. If it's down to, hey, run to the store, I'm the one who's going to run to the store. So it's a general kind of unease, I think, with... Medium shyness, would you say? Medium shyness? Yeah.

Yeah. That's fair. All right. Not agoraphobic. No. No. All right. All right. If I were to find in your favor, you would want me, I presume, to simply compel Beau to continue during the service at a schedule of your liking without complaint for the rest of your lives, correct?

Well, for the foreseeable future, I could change my mind. I am known to do that. Sure. But yes. And I would be willing to compromise and do the cat litter tour in exchange okay that was that was my my question was if i if it were to come down to you have to do the cat litter or you have to go to a salon which is more noxious to you more noxious which is which would you prefer because that would be spending money. I'd rather not spend money. I would do the chore. How long do you think you're going to continue to dye your hair?

Any particular color? Always. Forever. Okay. I think I've heard everything I need to hear. I am going to go tell Smitty at the barbershop that I need a special haircut, and I will be back in a moment with my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Lila, how are you feeling about your chances in the case? I feel pretty good. I think that if we were to compromise, that would be fair. I would be okay with that. Is this whole thing really just an elaborate scheme to prevent you from having to talk to someone? Um, no? No. No. Not said with much conviction.

Beau, how are you feeling about your chances in the case? You know, I don't know. I feel good about it because I think it's, to me, it seems pretty cut and dry. You know, I just don't want to do it anymore. And I think that decision should be respected. But I don't know. I don't know. She made a pretty good case. But I'm hoping that she just goes to the salon. It's just so much easier for me. She just puts down the card and I don't have to lift a finger. So it's kind of nice. Lila, do you think it's possible that your hair would look better if you went to the salon? I don't think there would be a noticeable difference.

Oh, man. I think it would be the same. It would look a lot better. I don't think that's true at all. Okay. I mean, it's professional, and I'm not a professional, so of course there's... Yeah, but it's... And there's going to be no drips on the thing and all that, so...

That's exaggerated. Would it help if Beau, like, called and made the appointment, and then you had, like, a Cyrano de Bergerac-style earpiece in your ear, and he could feed you small talk to say to the colorist? Well, I already do call and make the appointments. Oh. So I've got that covered. Maybe. Okay. Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say when we come back in just a second.

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you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world and you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

So you guys know that I was educated at an accredited university called Yale in southern Connecticut. And I took a class there by one of my very favorite professors of all time, Robert Ferris Thompson, who is an expert on African and Afro Latino dance art culture, and particularly the dispersion of African art through the Americas. And he's an amazing guy. And at one point, I was taking this course, and he showed a picture of a young woman with intricately braided hair from his travels in Africa. And she lived in a very remote place where they did not have hair salons. I might be tipping the story a little bit here. of hair salons. I might be tipping the story a little bit here, but he said to the students in the class, what is this woman saying with this hairstyle? And we all looked at it as though,

because we're all dum-dums, right, children, as though there was some kind of like hidden rebus puzzle in her hair or some kind of a decorative motif that we might've seen in something else that represents something bigger or better. And we all got it wrong. And he said, this is saying that she has friends. That hairstyle says I have friends. I can't do this myself. So you know that I am part of a community and I am popular and I am not an outcast in that community. I have friends who help me as I help my friends. And this was very meaningful to me. I suddenly understood sort of adornment of this kind in a different way. And this is what your hairstyle is saying

to the world. You know, I have friends, I have a friend, a husband who I make do this. Because there's another message that can come from these kinds of hairstyles when, when you are living in a place where, where there is, there are salons and, and it can be then just an expression of material wealth. I can afford this, or I have someone, I have someone that I can make do this. And I think that there is something that, what's going on in your marriage here is really interesting to me, because this is an intimate occasion between the two of you, you know? It's an intimate moment of hands-on body that not a lot of married couples shared. And it's provocative gender-wise because,

in fact, wives have been cutting husbands' hairs forever. But there was also a time when wives were essentially servants. You are casting your husband in what is traditionally a handmaiden's role and turn about his fair play. And if he were really into it, I would say you guys should go for it. But that's not what's happening. And in fact, at the core of this dispute, madam, is the fact that Bo says, I have told you that I don't like to do this. And not merely do you ask me to do it again, but you don't even ask. It's suddenly smash cut to us and Sally's, me holding your purse while you buy things. Your husband doesn't feel as though he is being heard. And that's not good. That's not good in a relationship.

You know what I mean? That's not good. It's not good in a relationship. You know what I mean? That's not good. And the other complicating factor in this situation is that not merely does your husband not feel that he is being heard, but also you are compelling him to do something that he doesn't want to do so that you can get out of doing something that you don't want to do, which is to go out in the world and go to a salon and get your hair,

your hair dud by profesh. You know, I use a lot of, a lot of young person terms. Snapchat me, babe. I hope, I hope you're able to follow along.

Yeah, I think we're good. All right. Cause I'm aging backwards now, you know, I got to keep up. Um, I think that you should go to a salon i think you should go to a salon because uh you uh you will get a better you'll get a better job done uh And every time you go to that salon, it will be a kind of immersion therapy

in getting over a kind of shyness, which does not seem to be a huge problem in your life, but nonetheless is putting a strain on your marriage. Because of your shyness, you are forcing your husband to do something that he doesn't want. And he ends up feeling powerless and as though you don't care about what he wants. And I'm sure there are a lot of people who say husbands suck it up because that's what husbands have been told to do. That's the husband's job for so long, but no more, no more. No one should have to suck it up. If you say you don't say you don't like doing something, you should be heard. And I think you should be allowed not to do it unless there is a reason to do it.

Like we just don't have enough money or we can't have a box of cat poop that never gets changed. But dyeing your hair pink is an elective. It is a personal elective and boy i sure do wish beau kind of felt like this is a fun way for us to spend time together oh no i feel bad yeah well you know there you go i'm not saying i'm not saying you're i'm not saying you're 100 right here uh but i am saying am saying that, you know, is one thing for me to order someone to stop doing something that's annoying or wrong. It's one of my favorite things in the world to do. But it's another thing to compel a human being into servitude.

And I considered the possibility of the compromise of compensating Beau for the work that he does so well and so considerately. And yet, and I know that you would prefer that. And therefore I chose not to go with it. Sweet.

I'm not sure how, I was so close to making that call, but then you're like, no, I'll clean the cat litter. I'll clean the cat litter. I'm like, oh, now I know what has to happen. Now I know what justice is. Next, three colorings must be in a salon. This will help you confront whatever it is that's keeping you out of a simple service exchange, which most people in the world enjoy. And I think you could probably afford at least three times in the coming six months. So the rest of this calendar

year of 2014, for those of you listening in the future, this is the far past of 2014. This will also help your husband, Beau, to feel and understand that he has been heard and that you respect the fact that this is not his bag. And he will continue to reflect upon that as he is scooping that cat feces out of the litter. He will continue to reflect upon that and maybe even come to miss the time that you spent together and maybe volunteer to give it another try. If you might consider doing the cat box or something else, or maybe just out of kindness say, I'll do it, honey.

Because that's really where you want to be in a marriage. But for the next six months, salons only. I'm not giving you any money. You're grownups. only i'm not giving you any money you're grown-ups but you know if i don't know how you handle your finances but bo you should pay you know what i mean be a nice guy okay you know even if you're just pulling it out of the even if you're pulling it out of the uh the joint account well i do all books, so I'll be able to keep track of it anyway. No, she'll never see a dollar exchange hands.

And Lila, after this experiment of three weeks, not three weeks, excuse me, after this experiment of three more colorings in a salon, you guys will have the basis for a conversation about how you want to continue. Awesome.

But also, Lila, let me tell you something. You don't have to talk to those people. will have the basis for a conversation about how you want to continue. Awesome. Okay. But also, Lila, let me tell you something. You don't have to talk to those people. Isn't that rude, though, to not talk whenever they want to talk to you? This is one of the things, as someone who, I share a certain, it's hard to believe, but I share a certain shyness and discomfort. Like, when you were talking about how you don't want to, how, how, but when you're talking about how Lila doesn't want to order the pizza or tip the pizza guy,

I'm like, I feel that completely. I completely, completely don't want to. I mean, you know, the reason, and not to buzz market here, but the reason why car services like Uber and their, and their, and their competing ones as well, I think Getz is another one. The reason that these are so popular is that they allow shy people with incomes to avoid having to talk to anyone different from themselves ever. It minimizes the total. It completely minimizes the exchange that moneyed tech people in big cities have to have with people from foreign countries who drive cabs. It's a genius. So she might like Uber then if we need it down in Dallas. Absolutely. But here's the thing. I get up and I pay for the pizza. And when I'm in an Uber car, I'm glad or another car service of that kind where I'm not paying, where I can get in, I'll make a few comments, and then I'll do my own thing. I'll be polite, right? But then I'll do my own thing. I'll interact if it seems appropriate. And the thing about being shy, I think what shy people don't understand is they feel as though the world expects them to say certain things or do certain things.

But the world really doesn't care about you. I don't know. Maybe it's different in Dallas. I fully expect that it might be. But I think the ladies at the salon probably deal with a lot of people who don't talk a whole lot. And when I get my hair cut, I take a nap. So there's that. You'll find your way to interact with those other human beings that respects them as people, but also respects the fact that you just want to get in there and get the job done. They've seen it all. Believe me, it's going to be fine. This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Begin their memory erasing process. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Leela, how do you feel about this? It's okay. I'm slightly disappointed, but it's okay. I'll work through this struggle. Are you ready to venture forth from your home?

Yes. Yes. I don't know if you can get it set up like I got it set up, but barbershop where I go to, basically nobody speaks English. Really takes the social pressure off slash puts it on this is a dye in your hair is a pretty like a detailed thing she has to find a specialist like pretty yeah so they're and i think it takes a while so they would be alone together for quite

a while but you can read a magazine people read a magazine or look at yeah if it's okay i will have my nose in my cell phone the entire time and And if they think I'm rude, I'm going to tell them that I was ordered to do so. Just look at your beloved Tumblr. Laugh at menswear, dog, or whatever. Have you read Game of Thrones? Yes. Have you read all of them? Not all of the last one.

I'm kind of midway through. All right. I can't think of a better thing in the world than get my hair done while reading Game of Thrones. Okay. If it helps, whenever I get my hair cut, I talk way too much, and I know I do.

That doesn't help. Okay. The opposite. Bo, how are you feeling? I'm happy. I think the three colorings or whatever is a good mark. I'm a little sad that the listeners will think I don't like spending quality time with my wife and her iPad while I color her hair. But other than that, yeah, I think it's a good decision.

I'm happy. Maybe I won't be happy when I look at the money it costs. But other than that. Leela, Bo, thanks so much for taking the time to join us on Judge John Hodgman. Thanks. Thank you. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney.

I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go,

try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit.

No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, and you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, I like your new hairstyle.

French braids really suit you. Oh, thanks very much. I just had my mustache moved to the top of my head. Oh, thanks. Thanks very much. I just had my mustache move to the top of my head. Oh, I see. And dyed yellow. It's really fun, though. You know, it inspires me. It reminds me of my childhood hero, Jem from Jem and the Holograms. Well, you know what? I'm worth it. I should have said that to Leela. should have said go spend that money you're worth it that's a good point I feel like you haven't said anything

about my space horse which I got since I was inspired by my real childhood hero Bravestar I just wasn't sure that anyone else but me could see it I'm glad that you don't know what a relief this is. I never got to

have a cartoon show lunchbox as a kid. Because I grew up in what do you call that? Oh, right. Poverty. And

one day one day my dad told me he would buy me one. It was like the biggest news of my to that point, I guess seven years of life or something like that. Mm-hmm.

And he came home from the grocery store from the Safeway with a Brave Star lunchbox. It was like, he might as well have just punched me in the gut. Oh, my God. What a short story you could have written. Here I am thinking I'm going to get the Transformers. I'm going to get Spider-Man.

And he brings home Brave Star star an american ours an american space western animated television series did you know the idea for brave star began with tex hex his chief adversary oh my god was brave star a native american Native American? I assumed he was an African space American, but looking at his hair, he might have been African American. He definitely appears to have a radio built into his cowboy hat. He definitely appears to have a radio built into his cowboy hat. I have never, I mean, this is the second time I have heard the word Brave Star in my life. And the other time, I don't know what, I was chasing some animated show down a Wikipedia rat hole and found Brave Star at the bottom and I'd never heard of it And I still haven't. He had this blue space horse and the space horse had a giant bazooka gun that shot space rays and stood on its hind legs.

And that was the really weird thing. Like his space horse was like his sidekick. Right. It wasn't a horse he rode on. He may have ridden on it. It was so weird. It ran from September 1987 to February 1988. That's five months.

Well, he wasn't a space horse. He was an equestroid, a cyborg horse-like creature which colonized New Texas. They had a rich culture and were capable of transforming their hooves into hands and feet. Law enforcement officer 3030 is the only survivor of this colony, and that's Bravestar's trusted companion. I am looking on deviantart.com at some pretty cool anime-style Bravestar fan art. Well, you know what?

Little Bravestar. This has been digressions into Wikipedia with Bailiff Jesse Thorne and Judge John Hodgman, but we do have some things to clear on the docket. Yeah. In the meantime, you guys should hop on the Internet and buy The Best of Bravestar featuring the feature film Bravestar, the legend. Okay. Here's something from David. I have my master's degree in education. I've just been certified to teach English in New York State. Is it okay for me to point out various grammatical and spelling errors that others make online in blog posts,

like misusing their, their, their, that's T-H-E-Y, apostrophe, R-E, et cetera, et cetera. Right. there, that's T-H-E-Y apostrophe R-E, etc. Right. Or unnecessary possessive apostrophes. As an English teacher, isn't this sort of my responsibility to society?

No. Not really. Aptly summarized. I mean, here's my, here's, but your letter made me think a little bit about a policy on correcting people and the difference between pedantry and a needed correction. A needed correction is required, I think, in a situation like this, in a grammar or punctuation sense. in a grammar or punctuation sense.

When you fear that the other person is making a fool of themselves and is not aware of it, and to save them further embarrassment, you would like to take them aside and say, you don't actually put an apostrophe in its when you use it that way or whatever. That's a correction out of concern for the other person. A correction that is made in a public forum is designed to make yourself feel good and maybe look good and may cause embarrassment to the other person. So that is an expression of contempt. You are cuddling the person with your knowledge. So if you care about the person who is writing a blog

post that you're reading, and let's face it, that is a myth of the internet. No one cares about anyone. But if you did care about the author of this blog post so much that you were worried that they would be embarrassing themselves if they continued in their error, then you might write them a little note in private to say what you mean. And that way, you will spare them the embarrassment of being called out on their error. They will make the correction, or it will make them easier for them to throw away your note and never speak to you again. That is my policy for corrections. Everyone who sends in your corrections about things that I've gotten wrong, I actually appreciate them more than if you were to post something in the forum saying, Judge John Hodgman is a dum-dum because he said that Bravestar's trusted companion 3030 was an equestroid when clearly he was an equestron.

By the way, Jesse, I have located a sweet Bravestar lunchbox that you are going to get. Oh, no. And I encourage everyone online to go on, first of all, change your passwords on eBay because there's been some problem. And then everyone should send Jesse a Bravestar lunchbox. Everyone should send Jesse a Brave Star lunchbox. I actually just got a really great suggestion in my email inbox from a listener named Abe. He noticed how many MaximumFun.org hosts were really vexed by the volume of corrections that they got in their email inboxes whenever they happened to say something or do something wrong. And he suggested what I think is a really great solution, which is setting up an email address specifically for corrections

to make it easy for people to submit their corrections. He suggested corrections at MaximumFun.org, which I think is actually perfect. He's sharing that at the end of shows so people know that they have a place that they can send their corrections. And then as hosts, we never log into that email address. Oh, well, everyone knows that they can write to me directly at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. And I will continue to read your corrections. You may see C-Corrections at MaximumFun.org. But I like getting them because sometimes they're funny and interesting,

and sometimes they're just enraging. And I like to be enraged from time to time, too. That's why I use the Internet. Here's something from Bill. Hi, Bill. I recently wrote to you suggesting a new opening for your show using the traditional opening language of many courts. Imagine my delight when on your very next podcast, guest bailiff John Roderick opened the podcast with,

Oye, oye, oye. That's how you pronounce it, right? Yes. I hope it will become a permanent feature. I'm also lobbying for a shout out since I, Bill Fletcher of Nashville, Tennessee, brought this to your attention. Wrong. I'm willing to make a contribution to Maximum Fun and to urge others to do the same thing if you do this. Not wrong.

As an indulgence, if you will. All right. Bill Fletcher, I shout-out to you as a donor to Maximum Fun. It has come to my attention that he has since donated to Maximum Fun, which you can do any old time. MaximumFun.org slash donate. Right, Jesse? Any old time. You don't have to wait for the plane to drive.

Please do. MaximumFun.org slash donate where you even get thank you gifts. And I am happy to shout out to Bill Fletcher for that. gifts and i am i am happy to shout out to bill fletcher for that and uh i am grateful to him for sending me one of the most enraging emails i've ever gotten i enjoyed the rage i felt for sir we recorded that episode of judge john hodgman before you sent your email with the suggestion of Oye, Oye, Oye, that was a John Roderick improvisation. And furthermore, sir, I feel like I've said that before, too, in previous years. And I am glad that it brought you pleasure. And I agree with you. It's a fun thing to say. But please don't take credit for things that happen on the... Please don't think that because you think a thing that it gets into my brain and I do it for you. That would be a sign

of schizophrenia, sir. But thanks for your donation. And I'm sure if you have future suggestions for the show, I'd love to see them at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. And your disputes, if you have any, email them to me at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org or go to MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho. That's how you do it. Yeah, it's easy. It's fun. Our thanks this week to Chris Pesch. Thanks, Chris. Who named our case. You should like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. It's Facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman, I think. Otherwise, just search for Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. Who actually goes to a URL anymore?

It's 2014. Get your act together. Yeah, come on. We're punk rockers. We don't do that kind of thing anymore. We need everything to be intermediated by advertisements. Yeah, so like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. I'm at

Jesse Thorne and Hodgman is at Hodgman. And what about a boat party? The boat party is on and popping, Judge John Hodgman. Just had a wonderful write-up in Den of Geek about the boat party that I

just read right before we went on the air is going to be an epic party. Check out their new video. We just put a new video up. It's 54 seconds long at boatparty.biz. Watch that video. Look at all the fun that's been crammed into that 54 seconds.

Imagine it's spaced out with more pool time. And that's basically boatparty.biz. And I noticed something you put up online that I would like to underline myself with my words, which is you mentioned that it is a fun time for families. It is, and we just posted a family FAQ at BoatParty.biz. It is like a perfect fun time for families. I will say, as someone who has been on the boat party and has been on cruises, there are two misperceptions that people have about cruises that they need to be corrected on. First of all, it's an incredibly fun thing that I would do tomorrow if I could.

And many times again. And second of all, if you have kids between let's say the ages of three and nine or older, it's, it's really, it ended up being for me, one of the most easy vacations I had with my human children and human wife. Um, because it's a, it's actually a very safe environment and, and, uh, everyone has a great time. Yeah. There's like 10,000 things to do. There are, you know, play centers and all of their all of their child care people have four year or more degrees in related fields. They have super affordable babysitting at night so you can come out to the shows. There is I mean, it's like there's all kinds of stuff. I'm bringing my kids.

You know, I got a seven-month-old who will then be a 10-month-old, and I have a two-and-three-quarter, two-and-a-half, two-and-three-quarter-year-old, and they're coming. It's going to be awesome. I can't wait. They even have a thing. I swear to God, this is a real thing, Judge Hodgman, where if you're with your significant other or whatever, and you want to have a nice dinner, but you still want to eat with your kids, you can sit down to dinner. You order.

Your kids eat their whatever, chicken strips, while you're dining on your off-the-menu special curries. Yes. And when your kids are done eating, you can have a babysitter come and pick them up and take them to go do something while you're still sitting at the table. And so you can enjoy the rest of your dinner like an adult human being. And if you're John Roderick, you know you can go ahead and order a second entree or a third. You can have as many entrees as you want. You could literally order one of each entree on the menu. And while they will maybe raise an eyebrow, they'll gladly bring it to you. Yeah, the food is all-inclusive, so they have to.

That's what John Roderick discovered in his pioneering boat party research on the last boat party. And there's that off-the-menu curry. Oh, it's a good—listen, everybody, it's a good time. And I want to see those sailor suits that Jesse Thorne is buying for his sons. It's going to be great. So anyway, tickets, ticket prices are going up next month, so get your tickets now.

Go to boatparty.biz. That's it. Thanks to Julia Smith, who produces the show, Mark McConville, who edits the show. You can listen to all of our past episodes for free in iTunes or wherever. And thanks to everyone who takes the time to review the show in iTunes. It makes a really big difference.

Thank you, everybody. We will talk to you next time, I guess, on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you, everyone in the world. That is all. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.