Judge John Hodgman - Lawn and Hors D’oeuvres Live in Los Angeles

Episode Date: June 3, 2026

Dying to see Judge John Hodgman live? We have the episode for you! We’re flashing it back to our live show, ROAD COURT in Los Angeles. Join Judge John Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorn for the most unhinged, off-the-cuff, wild live show - that also dispenses pure, unadulterated JUSTICE. We are excited to release this never-before-seen episode from our bonus feed to all of our listeners. NIGHT COURT is coming to the Coolidge Corner Theatre in Brookline, MA on June 11th! That’s right, New Englanders, you have a chance to experience the all-new live show from Judge John Hodgman at a venue near you. Get your tickets here: https://coolidge.org/events/judge-john-hodgman-night-court Thanks to reddit user u/zabraxuss for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at reddit.com/r/maximumfun! ---Judge John Hodgman is member-supported! Become a member to unlock special bonus episodes and more. Memberships start at just $5 a month. Just tap here!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. With me is Judge John Hodgman. Hello, John. Hello, Jesse. How are you? Well, I'm doing all right. We have a very special treat for listeners.

This is from last year in our road court tour. Members heard this when it was released, but a little special treat for everybody. Our live in LA show from Dynasty typewriter. Jesse, we've heard a lot of grudges. on this program, because humans hold grudges against each other, particularly when someone's throwing food scraps from their yard into your yard.

But you know what else famously holds a grudge? Crows. Crows famously hold grudges. And if you're interested in the Corvid species, they make a cameo appearance in this fun, wild, live show as well. And of course, if you are a member of maximum fun, you get hours and hours of bonus content, just like this, including

other live shows. If you want to become a member, go to maximum fund.org slash join JJHO. Maximumfund.org slash join JJHO. Okay. Road court is now in session. People of Los Angeles, you asked us for live justice, and we are here to deliver it. The court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session. Please welcome to the stage, Jesse and Julie. Tonight's case, lawn and hors d'oeuvres. Jesse brings the case against his wife, Julie. Jesse and Julie's neighbor throws food scraps into her yard. Jesse says these scraps are causing problems for the entire neighborhood.

He'd like to confront the neighbor about it. But Julie doesn't want to ruffle any feathers. Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide, please rise. As Judge John Hodgman enters the court. and delivers an obscure cultural reference. The small flies that are associated with the decaying rats have been proliferating. I have no idea if they are associated with the dead rats that are already been found in the walls of Unit F, or if they are coming in because there are unidentified rats in our wall,

or if the flies have to do with outside rats. I don't smell anything bad yet. Bail of Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Jesse and Julie, please rise and raise her right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? So help you, God or whatever? I do. Absolutely.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that I know, because I've just gotten off tour with him, that he leaves no food scraps? Absolutely. Judge Hodgeman, you may proceed. No morsels left behind. Jesse, Julie, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment. And one of your favors.

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I had referenced as I entered this courtroom? Let's start with you, Julie. You know why I started with you? Because I'm a lady. Well, you definitely are. Ladies first. But also, I find it very confusing that your husband is named Jesse. I don't know that we've ever had a number.

Jesse as a litigant before, and I find it very confusing. Honestly, I don't know if there's ever been another Jesse before. There's never been another Jesse before. Julie, why don't you guess first? I'm going to guess the 1989 Tom Hanks Classic, The Burbs. The 1989 Tom Hanks Classic, the Burbs. It's a great guess. I'm writing it down. Jesse, would you like to go with the 1989 Tom Hanks Classic

the burbs, or the sequence where the Fellowship of the Ring is reading the journals of the dwarves in the minds of Moria, or an untitled Ken Burns documentary, or another option of your choice. Oh, there are so many good options there. There are, but only one of them is right, and it's none of the ones that I suggested. No, no, no. I'm going to go with something that has to do with decay inside a wall, even though I know it has nothing to do with an apartment, which is the cask of a Monteado by Edgar Allan Poe.

The cask of a Montiado by Edgar Allan Poe, a middle school classic. Indeed. Wow. Watch out the belt. Here comes Judge Hodgman with a real classic. It does involve decay inside a wall. You're absolutely right,

Jesse, but you didn't get it right. Indeed, all guesses are wrong. The correct answer is an email dated January 31st, 2025, from my wife, who's a whole human being in her own right, to the board of our apartment building. Oh, well.

Regarding the rat infestation of our yard and our walls that have proliferated the moment that I left to go on tour. Oh, no. Because on the other side of the fence that separates our garden from the alley is where they stage the garbage to be taken away. Indeed, the food scraps to be taken away. We think there might be a connection there. It is literally the rats within the walls,

an HP Lovecraft story, except rebooted for Park Slope. It's a real IP update that I am living, or not living through, because I've been on tour with you, Jessica Torrens, which is wonderful for me and terrible for my wife, who's a whole human being in our own right. I mean, John, the good news is that New York City,

as I understand it from reading the news, just got a rat czar. I did not know this. Yeah, New York City got a rat czar. Sure. Is it some 17-year-old that Elon Musk found somewhere? She... New York City's rat czar, I saw the press conference. I truly watched the press conference of the rat czar.

She has discovered a technology called garbage cans, which they previously did not have in New York City. No, no. Why not just pile up the garbage in pile? in easily penetrable bags. I've never seen someone so proud to have invented garbage cans and garbage trucks. It's the city of tomorrow there in New York City,

but right now we're here in Los Angeles, the city of three hours ago from where I live. So let's go ahead and hear this case. Jesse, you say that you live here in Los Angeles. Yes. What neighborhood? Mid-city. Technically, it's called Pickfair Village.

Are you making up new neighborhoods? Oh, there are many neighborhoods. I've been visiting this place for a long time. All right, Mid-City. John, I've lived in Los Angeles for 15 years. I know. Any time someone says what neighborhood they live in, I am pretty sure they're making it.

Yeah, absolutely. Mid-city. Okay, but I mean, specifically, what street address tell me. It's near a... Okay, that's actually very specific. We'll bleep it out. So, anyway, John... Our neighbor might find out.

John... John, someone just gave me a map of Los Angeles and West of Western and just said, here be dragons. But there be no dragons in your neighbor's yard, there be food scraps, correct? Is that the problem, Jesse? Absolutely. So your name, let's simply be clear here. You live next door to a person. I don't want to hear, it's a her person, right? I don't want to hear her actual name. Can we come up with, um, scrappy? I mean, like, trashy. What's the nickname? Scrappy works. Scrappy? Ms. Scrappy works. Scrappy? Scrappy the neighbor. And she's tossing food scraps into her own yard. Not into your yard.

Her own yard. Into her own yard. So how does this affect you? So there are all different kinds of food scraps that are decaying on the lawn and every day we walk our dog in the neighborhood. It sounds like the beginning of a very strange children's book. Oh, yeah. There are many different kinds of food scraps in the world. Absolutely.

Yeah. So we. Pertissory chicken, grapes, pringles, noodles, whatever they had for lunch or dinner that they didn't finish. I believe that we do have some photographic evidence. We do.

We do. So let's take a look at Exhibit A. Yes. Is this the back or front yard that we're looking at? This is the front and that's the sidewalk. They have a corner lot. So it's like the side of their house, but not necessarily the front.

I think the more important thing to notice here is it not just food scraps. It's also paper plates and styrofoam containers. It is what the food. came on as well. Yeah. That's not stuff that is necessarily scraps but trash. Okay. So let's see the next exhibit

please. All right. Now this looks like some raviolis and maybe a pad tie or something. Yeah. On top of a I think that's a Dixie brand play. Hey, Dixie brand sponsored

to John Hodgman. You're welcome. I think this is Italian Chinese fusion. Okay. Thank you. I got to tell you, we are lucky my dog Jr. is not here because he would be losing his freaking mind right now. I mean, for sure. This is where he's going to go after he dies to this yard. And this is where it really affects us.

All right. Well, we're getting into it. I think there's one more piece of evidence. Julie, you mentioned rotisserie chicken. Show me rotisserie chicken. That is a chicken carcass. Now, that could be used to make a stock. John, you say that.

that is though you've never made ravioli stock. Maybe this is like the sun tea of chicken stock. Well, first we put it in the lawn for five days. I just let it steep. I have to say that while the first thing that surprised me about the evidence that we saw is that the containers were also present, the second thing that surprised me is, honestly, this looks like a very well-kept lawn otherwise. She is all over her lawn.

It's very well manicured. Everything else is perfect. Except when she's dumping garbage on it. It gets picked up pretty quickly. By whom? Yeah, who picks it up? By the local flora and fauna. Probably not the flora.

No. No, mostly, mostly the animals. Well, when it's not our dog. Although I forgot Mid City is famous for it. Trash eating plants. Yeah. It's Feed Me Seymores. I mean, honestly, John, west of Korea town, I wouldn't know.

Right on? But fauna, we're talking about animals, are coming and eating and taking this food away. And I presume leaving behind the dixie plates because dixie plates are great and animals have no taste. You're welcome. Go get dixie plates. Sponsor Judge John Hodgman. You have an animal, do you not?

We have a dog, and if we're not vigilant enough when we walk two to three times past our neighbor, he will eat a chicken bone. And that's not good for dogs? No, he'll be sick the rest of the day. He'll be sick. And what is the name of this wonderful dog? Nitro.

Nitro. Nitro, but it's spelled. K-N-I-G-H-T-R-O. It's my university's the mascot of University of Central Florida. The mascot of the University of Central Florida is your dog? No, no, no. That's very exciting. The mascot is a giant malt liquor, but when it gets drunk enough, it smells nitro wrong.

I believe we have a photo of Nitro, the dog. Show me Nitro. Oh, very, very cute. He's like, I just got back from the ER. This is a dangerous thing for dogs, though, right? Yeah, he's a small dog, and a chicken bone, you know, from a artissory chicken is going to get caught in his throat. And there's been more than a few times that I've had to, you know, reach, reach in. into his mouth and try to make sure he doesn't swallow the scraps. It's possible that a chicken bone from another preparation of chicken could also get stuck in his throat. There's really no way to know. And also, this is not the only animal.

Nitro is not the only animal who is visiting the lawn. Let's take a look at the other animals. Yeah, crows. Boo! Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. We're here to ruin your wedding.

No. Don't, don't. crows, Jesse, please. Let me tell you something. They're intelligent, sensitive animals who have long memories and hold grudges. And I don't want any of these people going home and telling their crow friends

that we said bad things about crows in the Judge John Hodgman podcast because they're coming around. I'm loving this illustration that we're seeing here. I'm pretty sure that crow in the circle down at the bottom is the crow to English translator.

Yeah, why is it, what is the inset photo here of this crow. It looks like he looks like she or they is holding a frozen grape. That is a grape. Yeah. Okay, very good. Good guess. I'm not sure that it can actually... Photography works. I'm not sure it can actually digest a grape, but it was definitely

trying to eat it. How many crows are coming to your yard? At least a murder. And if you teach them, do you have to charge? Well, you know, if we do cross them, we find sometimes in our backyard, which is three houses down from this house.

rinds of oranges, they'll just drop it there. But they'll also hang out in our backyard waiting for the food to be left out. Your three houses down, this is not next door. It's not our next door neighbor. Okay. And you're saying that the crows will come to your house? Waiting. To wait for more food? Absolutely. She's saying her home is a staging area. That's where the crows have their trailers. So, Jesse, when did this start and when, when did it become untenable? What was the last straw or the last frozen grape? So we moved into this place in 2020. And ever since we've lived there, she's been tossing food scraps onto the lawn. There was not a problem. There was not a problem with crows until the last few, the last couple of years. It really has grown a lot in the last year.

And the crow problem is primarily they're hanging out in your house. And the crow problem is primarily they're hanging out in your house. tapping on the windows invading your home. They make a lot of noise. What kind of noise do they make? You walk right into it, ma'am. You brought it up, counselor. I'll allow it. What kind of noise?

Cuckoo! Yeah. Cacaw, indeed. If we have learned anything from the legendary public radio program car talk, it's when a noise is mentioned, make them make the noise. Make them make

the noise. But your dispute, Jesse, Julie, is not just with your neighbor, it's also with each other. Jesse, what do you propose to do to solve the problem? It really frustrates me, and it hurts me inside to not say something.

Every time the dog tries to get at food, and every time we see her bring food outside. How old is Mrs. Scrappy? Scrappy is probably in her... Please, she's your neighbor. Mrs. Scrappy. She is, yes, there is a Mr. Scrappy.

There is a Mr. Scrappy. Okay. Ms. Scrappy. Ms. Scrappy is probably in her late 60s, early 70s. Okay. Older than you. She's been in the neighborhood for a while. Oh, yes.

She's not a monstrous gentrifying transplant like you. This is how they always do it in the old neighborhood of Mid City. You always throw your trash. This is just how we do it around here. And you want to say something, don't you, Jesse? I do. I do. You want to take it to.

the Scrappies. I'm afraid it is a local custom that I'm stepping on the toes of, but yes, it is a... Anyone else on the block throwing chicken carcasses in their front yard? No. Okay, so this is mainly just the Scrappies. And how do you propose that you confront the Scrappies? I want to speak to her next time we see it happen. She's outside, like Julie said, she waters the lawn regularly. She's out there. She's a very social neighbor, and she's very friendly. We would like to talk to her. I would like to talk to her. But she's

also the neighbor that knows everything going on. Right. She's a power in the neighborhood. Yes. She is. Do you have any sense of why she's doing this? Not a clue. Did it start for a reason?

Not that we can guess. Did she have a pet at one point? She did. Six months ago. Sorry. Camillo passed recently. He was an older dog, and he was a very good friend of Nitro. And he apparently never went after the scraps.

Why was she leaving scraps out in the lawn then? For the crows? No, you don't know. No idea. Not for her own dog. We've never ever talked about it. We've never talked about everything else. You've never talked to her.

No, no, we talked to her. What do you talk to her about? She asks me, you know, what I'm eating. She actually asks me what I'm doing for dinner. She has plenty and she doesn't mind sharing. She'll also know when Jesse's like at a conference or something. No, but she's just very aware of everything. So she'll always, she'll say something about my hair.

She's very friendly. So when Jessie says, I want to go talk to Ms. Scrappy about this, how do you feel? I feel like we should just cross the street and avoid it at all costs. Because why? What are you afraid of?

Reprisal? Yeah. Do you think... Yeah, I don't think it will be received well. Do you think she controls the crows? Do you think she's already sending the crows to your yard as a warning? She might. She might.

What do you think she might do? How do you think she might feel? Do you think she'll feel self-conscious? Do you think she'll take revenge? I honestly, it's an irrational fear that I have. I've always heard that the mid-city folk take revenge. Potentially. Yeah.

Yeah. But sincerely, what are you afraid is going to happen? That she, I honestly, I don't know. You just want to avoid it. I just want to avoid it. Okay. It's a fear of conflict. Sorry, it's a fear of conflict.

Oh, I'm sorry. Were you trying to tell your wife her own? feelings? You're right, you're right. You're right. I'm wrong for that. I'll take it. In other words, I want to keep the peace. You want to keep the peace. Have the neighbors, have other neighbors talked amongst themselves about this? Is there a dialogue on any, like, hyperlocal apps or on any front porches? It's really interesting because we talk about a lot of things with our neighbors. This is the one thing we've never mentioned to them. No, no, it's forbidden to speak of the scrapping.

It is. There's a house that collects a lot of junk on their lawn. But like, no, everyone talks about that. I have to check out the property of Mid City. They're like, things that they find when they're going around collecting cans or whatnot. So it's just things that you wouldn't throw away that they put on the lawn. Have you ever considered going to those neighbors and going, you know, there's some free chicken over there. They could use the extra junk. So how to pretend I'm Ms. Scrappy and you're going to, let's do a little roleplay to get a sense of how you would do it. Go ahead and ring the doorbell. Ding-dong.

Go away! Crows attack! Fly to me, my beauties! Sorry, Jesse. Maybe it wouldn't go that way. Oh, yes. Come in, young man. I'm going to stay outside. No.

Come in. You've moved to the neighborhood. I'm so glad come in. What are you doing for dinner? What are you doing for dinner? I'd love to have you and your wife for dinner. With some baba beans. And a nice candy.

Jesse, go ahead. So I would respectfully ask that you don't put the food scraps on the lawn, rather use the compost bins that we've been asked by the city. to start using, which I don't know if it got it in your neighborhood, Jesse, this week but we actually got a new fresh set of bins. Yeah, we have that kind of stuff in Lincoln Heights. They delivered a whole bunch of free bins to our neighborhood

this week, so it's a perfect example for her to use for the rotissory chicken bits and such. And so you could have that conversation, why not just do it and go behind Julie's back? Excuse me, Julie's cowardly back. I don't think it will come as well from me. I don't have as good of a relationship with Ms. Scrappy, Oh, wait a minute. You're saying you want her to do it for you.

No, I... I want her to be present with me. I want to say, I want to say it, but I think if Julie's there with me, it will come off better. You have a relationship with Ms. Scrappy already, because she's inviting you to dinner and everything else, right? And you don't want to be used as a ploy or a tool in Jesse's mission of revenge. No, if he's going to do it, I do not want to be there. You don't want to be there. No. Do you have an aversion to Jesse just doing it on his own someday?

Probably not. Okay. Like maybe like one afternoon. You just take a couple of Xanax. You go to sleep for a while. Get through it. When he comes home. Absolutely.

When he comes home, he's blind and covered in crows. Honey, it didn't go so well. We could cover you with one of those transparent nets. You know, like a gilly suit. Yeah. Oh, a gilly suit. That's a great solution. Thank you, Jesse.

I'll consider that seriously. Spike strips. Mandatory gillie suit and spike strips for the rest of your life in mid-city. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to go into my chambers. I'll be back in my own with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hachman exits the courtroom. Julie, how are you feeling about your chances right now? I'm really nervous. Why is that? Because I think that he's going to make us confront our neighbor. How about you, Jesse? How are you feeling? I think that I might have put my foot in my mouth a few

too many times. But also, I think that the case, the merits of the case stand on itself, and we should probably do something about it. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. There is an issue here, which is, and, you know, look, I don't know about all of the neighborhoods of Los Angeles. I don't know about Mid-City. I don't know about Top City. I don't know about Scale Rock. I don't know about Downwards. I don't know all these different neighborhoods that you're making up every day to try to differentiate yourself and make some money on Zillow or whatever you're doing. But listen, when I hear about people moving in 2020, a lot of people moved in 2020 and a lot of people moved into neighborhoods that

they, you know, new neighborhoods. And it can be a little bit fraught to join a new neighborhood no matter what, especially if it's a situation where there's an enormous pandemic lockdown and everyone's moving around. People who have means to move around, move around. And it can be a little bit complicated to move into an established neighborhood to begin with, where maybe the custom is leaving fucking chicken carcasses around all the time where not only crows will come and get them.

And not only dogs will eat them and die, but also rats and other vermin and raccoons and so forth with their little thumbs will come and eat those, come and get them and drag them back to their little layers or whatever. It's gross. Let's just say what, let's stipulate. Ms. Scrappy's gross. It's gross. But you do have to handle this somewhat delicately. Now, Jesse, I think that you are a delicate person and you can probably negotiate this yourself. I don't know why you feel the need to have Julie there, except that you're as scared. A little bit. I think the main thing you need to be wary of are the crows. Because here's the thing. If you are having rats or a posser. or other kinds of, you know,

or there are certain neighborhoods in Los Angeles that are riddled with peacocks. Yeah, it's true, right? What's that name? It was Arcadia? Yeah. Full of peacocks? Full of peacocks.

If you were dealing with a bunch of peacocks, look, they're dumb. They love to eat chicken bones, and they're stupid. These crows are smart. Even if Ms. Scrappy is like, oh, I understand. It's fine. Now I realize I shouldn't be putting garbage on my lawn. The crows.

they do hold, I mean, the thing about crows is, they remember human faces. They keep and hold on to grudges, and then they teach them to their young. This is established. When we first started visiting Maine, there was a, what they call a murderous fuckton of crows in our woods. And they decided they hated our son. And I don't know why. I don't know what he did, but year after year...

He knows what he did. Year after year, our son would wake up in his ground floor room and a crow would just be wrapping on the window so mad at him. Rap, rap, wrapping. That's right. Never more, he said.

But the crow said, oh, yes, all the time, actually. And, like, he would take his little bicycle when he was, I was probably nine years old. and ride his little bicycle down the lane, and crows would follow him. They would fly above him, waiting for him to stop and pick and feast on his bones. If the crows are already coming into your backyard,

your tenure in mid-city should be over, I suspect. You're not wrong. But that said, just watch out for the crows. Julie, I completely understand why it would make you uncomfortable to, and it is uncomfortable to have this conversation with your neighbor, especially if she's an older neighbor who's been in the neighborhood for a long time, she clearly is set in her ways as disgusting as they are. And yet, and yet, one of the things about having a civilization is we need to be able to talk to our neighbors. And I think that it is

possible for you to go and just say to her in a respectful way, please don't put garbage on your lawn. You're going to kill our dog, and you're going to make the crows come. And maybe she'll say, go away and put you in a hole. I don't know what she's going to do. I do think that it's a reasonable thing. And just because all of your other neighbors are afraid of Ms. Scrappy doesn't mean that you can't have the conversation. Having conversations with our neighbors who may not feel the same way we do about everything is uncomfortable

and yet an important part of how we should continue our civilization. and so I order you to do it. But Julie, Xanax for you. Jesse, you do it on your own. Okay. And if he never comes home, then you'll know. You'll have a right. This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules that is up. Thank you, Jesse and Julie. Roadcourt live in Los Angeles continues after this quick break. Mob justice. Mob justice. Who seeks justice? You sir, down here. Who else seeks justice?

all the way in the back over here. Who else seeks justice in this court? Who seeks justice? I'm putting on my Hartford Whaler's hat that Jesse Thorne got for me at a flea market, but I get a compliment every day. Shout out to Pasadena City College, am I right, folks? PCC. Jordan took English there.

You got an A. And I have it on so that I can see you a little bit better. So let's start on this side. Yes, sir. What is your name and where are you calling from? Hi, my name's Mikey, and I am from North Hollywood. Okay, and you're calling from House Left, I believe. Yeah, okay, very good. Are you from the

Arts District or one of the not artsy districts? One of the very not artsy districts. Okay, got it. What is the nature of your dispute? Mikey, is it? Mikey, yeah. What is the nature of your dispute? So, my partner, who is a whole human being in her own right, has a very unique and lovely name that is not spelled at all like it is pronounced. Oh. Is it spelled like that

volcano in Iceland or whatever? Kind of. And she has grown tired of correcting people over the years. She didn't correct me until we'd been dating for a whole week. And now that you're on to week two. Yeah, exactly. My question is, if I correct people, am I being one of those husbands? What is your partner's name?

Her name is May Ling. May Ling. Yes. And, okay. And that's spelled F-R-A-N-K. It's M-A-E, because that's her grandmother's name, and then L-I-N-H, because that's how you spell it in Vietnamese. And so the H is pronounced as a G, but everybody always says,

May-Lynn. Right, and then you step in and go, Excuse me! It's May-Ling, stupid. And May-Ling is embarrassed and obviously didn't come with you tonight, so it's going great. Yeah, no, yeah, you know, she's way in the back. What?

Hello? What would you, what would, what is your preference? It's your name. Just for folks who are watching at home, she just doesn't want to get involved in a whole thing. Are you embarrassed? Sorry, ma'am, we're in the whole thing business here. Are you embarrassed when Mickey here corrects the pronunciation of your name? No, actually it makes me feel really good because he just,

always had the benefit in the last 20-plus year. That's wonderful. Congratulations. That's good. You're doing a good job. Thank you. So what is the dispute and why are you bringing up a fight in order to be on a podcast? It appears that I honestly thought there was a dispute where there was done, and I will now return to my seat in shame.

Go back to your seat. Honestly, we got to do a show. We'll take what we can get. Who else seeks justice in this court? Who seeks justice? Okay. Go over there. Yeah.

Take your time. What's your dispute, sir? You take your time, come on over, exactly. I'm likely doing my wife a favor here. It's the only real longstanding argument we have, which is that it's a very hypothetical situation. However, if she were given the ability to grant me superpowers... More of a comment than a question of... You were saying?

Ultimately, I don't remember exactly how it came up, the original conversation. However, it's been a long-going argument that we've had, which is if she had the ability to grant me... superpowers. She refuses to do so because she she's concerned with what I may do with it, regardless of the fact that I have agreed to prioritize like global warming, the Great Pacific

Garbage Patch, things like that, as much as dealing with like billionaires, you know? What is the superpower that you seek? I mean, there's a variety of different ones. Like, you used to accomplish the same problems, you know? I have not heard an answer. Telekinesis is the most variable one. that's exactly what global warming wants.

We're going to get a memo that Exxon has known how to do telekinesis for 50 years. You're saying that your wife won't grant you, even hypothetically. She thinks you're going to use the powers for evil? That's, yes, yes. Where is your wife? Raise your hand. Because when you started telling, I'm going to be honest, when you started saying it before you got into the, I would I use it for good?

I'm going to be frank and say, I thought her concern was that once you had superpowers, you'd be fucking all over the place. Yeah, you'd fly with the crows. Does it help if I'm from the arts district in North Hollywood? Sir, if you had superpowers, I'd fuck you, and I'm a married heterosexual man. Is that what you're concerned about,

that if your husband gets superpowers, you'll fuck, Jesse Thorne? I implore, I remind you you're under Faco. Why don't you want your husband to be? be super. You saw how fast he wanted to go up. He's too thirsty. He's too thirsty.

In the hero's journey, there's the call to adventure and then the rejection of the call to adventure. And you're just like, yeah, I'm going to f***ch it up. I think your husband seems like a very nice unsuperpowered person. And if you were to have superpowers, you'd become a villain. I find in favor of your wife. Yes. What is your name and where are you calling from?

Hi, I'm Aaron, and I am calling from stage left. Thank you. I live on the best. Stage right, Aaron. Oh, shit. Stage right. House left. House left.

It's okay. You're probably not from the arts district. I'm not. Aaron, what is the nature of your dispute? So I live on the border of Pasadena and Altadena. So, thanks. So my husband has been gone, and I have been cleaning up our house by myself. Is your husband flying?

with the crows? He is indeed flying with the crows, and I don't know when he'll ever come back. No, he's coming back next week. I thought you were going to say, my husband has been gone, and I haven't told him about what's been going on around here. He did stop reading all news, and I am his only source of contact

with the outside world. Do you know what? That's not fair to you. Thank you. Your husband should read the news and not make you filter the news to him. I don't know what's going on with him. Let him know if anything really bad happens, but that's constant. Do you think your husband is going to watch this? later or listen to it later?

Yeah, he probably will. Aaron's husband, there's been a lot of tragedy, but Maria Bamford is okay. I do think that it's an unfair mental burden on you to filter the news for your husband. That's not okay. You should handle it. So the thing I actually want to ask for

is I would like an injunction on all basketball in my house when he returns. I'm done with basketball. Well, that's... Is he playing basketball? in your house? He would love to. That is not happening currently.

Inside the house? No, no. I don't want any basketball. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see it. I'm over basketball. Our first date was to a basketball game, and I think I bait and switched him

because I knew all the players, and I could talk about it. But I have now watched 80-something games every single year of the Golden State Warriors, and I hate Steph Curry. Wow. That seems very, How are you doing?

Not great. That seemed very cathartic. Yeah, it really felt good. I don't even actually hate him, but I just don't want him in my house anymore. Was that in your wedding vows? Look, it has been a very hard time. I can only imagine the amount of actual stress, like, you know, like terror and tragedy. And even if you were not directly or even even, even,

if you're not indirectly affected, you know what's happening and it's very, very, very hard. And also, I hate all sports. So I'm inclined to agree with you to take a break on basketball. I definitely feel, I'm just sorry for everything that you've gone through. And it's a hard time. And it's coming out in ways like saying that you wish you had never met your husband or something. I think that, you know, his stress relief might be playing basketball.

right? That's kind of the problem, isn't it? Well, he can't play basketball because he threw out his back, but he likes to watch it in, you know, absence of playing it. I think that because of my version of sports, I happily order a break on basketball for you two to talk together as he re-enters. I don't know what he's been off doing, but, you know, as someone who has been on tour, when I'm away, for a period of time. Coming back, it's hard to get back into a shared life, especially when there's been horrible tragedy that's been going on, and people have been losing everything, and you have friends, I'm sure, who have been going through stuff. So I think that a little bit of time, without any dribbling of any kind, where you can just sort of talk and reenter into regular life

with each other is probably a good idea. And it's only gravy for me that it involves dinging sports. Sorry. Sorry basketball. And Aaron, if this helps at all, send him over to my house because I've got an autistic 11-year-old with a special interest,

he's going to fucking love. There you go. All right, that's mob justice unless anyone's got a burning note. That's it. All right, good. Oh, wait, you were there. Okay, guy on the floor.

What are you got? I admire that you were on the floor. That was good. I wanted to stay out of the line. My dispute is with chairs. So how come you weren't there where I was sitting? I mean, I have to, I have to,

I have to recognize you. You wanted to stay out of the light. Very rare thing for a dude. Now, granted, you are dressed like an undercover cop. But, Busted, you have to talk to you backstage. Who me? I'm just a regular guy. What is the nature of your dispute, regular guy?

Should I be reprimanded for eating all the ice cream before my family does? Yes. They've had at least a week. ice cream is Are you the dad of the family? Yes. Great news. Ice cream's for dads!

Yes. Oh. Thank you. What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? Chocolate peanut butter. Oh. Or I do a raspberry chocolate truffle thing from it. Okay.

That's disgusting. Let me ask you this. I know. That's not. Let me ask you this. How many children do you have? Just one. Just one.

Raspberry chocolate truffle is like you might as well be eating shampoo, sir. It's disgusting. It's good. It's a backup flavor. How many other... The problem is you don't have enough backup flavors. Oh, I have a rule. I only buy it when it's on a sale

and it gets below a certain price. Yeah, I only buy it when there's an inch of frost on the top of it. Do you have a lot of other pleasures in your life? Yeah, no, of course not. That's why ice cream is for dads. Ice cream is for dads. Thank you.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Judge John Hodgman, created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. Megan Rosadi runs our social media. The podcast is edited by A.J. McKeon. Our video editor is Daniel Spear. We had production help this week from Rugu Manavalin. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Photos from our show posted on our Instagram account,

Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We're also on TikTok and YouTube at Judge John Hodgman pod. Follow and subscribe to see our episodes. and video-only content. And hey, it's summertime, so it's time for your hottest disputes. Send us your summertime disputes. You must be going on a road trip. What are you listening to?

And what is the biggest fight over what you listen to? What about barbecue? Are you going to be doing the barbecue trail? If so, what's the best barbecue sauce? You like mustard-based sauce? You like tomato-based sauce? Or you just like vinegar and peppers? Are you ever allowed to take over the green?

at another person's pool party. Wow. Who has this dispute? That's a juicy dispute. Maybe it may become a dry dispute if nobody likes your grilling and the burgers just end up in that weird pile of burgers next to the hot part of the grill. You know that pile of burgers I'm talking about? Yeah, the burger pile.

Grab your juiciest beef and throw it, as they say, on our Grill of Justice at maximum Fund.org slash JJHO or email me at Hodgman at maximum fund.org. And you know what, no matter what the topic of your dispute is, send it to us at maximum fund.org slash JJHO. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artists' owned shows. Supported directly by you.