Judge John Hodgman - Let Them Eat Case at SF Sketchfest

Episode Date: February 4, 2026

What a time we had at SF Sketchfest! In Swift Justice, we have cases about Breathe Right Nasal Strips (not sponsored!), pie recipes, and the Court's first ever Trial By Teppanyaki! Then in Mega Justice we say, LET THEM EAT CASE. Beth and Jim have a large, strange, item in their guest room. It was an extra curricular project Jim and their daughter, Casey, made over a decade ago. He loves it. But Beth says it's time to let it go! BROOKLYN! Join Judge John Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorn LIVE at The Bell House for NIGHT COURT (no, not that one)! Get your tickets here: Friday, March 6, Saturday, March 7Thanks to reddit user u/BrianSebby for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at reddit.com/r/maximumfun!Follow Judge John Hodgman on:YouTube: @judgejohnhodgmanpodInstagram: @judgejohnhodgmanTikTok: @judgejohnhodgmanpodBluesky: @judgejohnhodgmanReddit: r/maximumfunPlease consider donating to Al Otro Lado. Al Otro Lado provides legal assistance and humanitarian aid to refugees, deportees, and other migrants trapped at the US-MX border. Donate at alotrolado.org/letsdosomething. Judge John Hodgman is member-supported! Become a member to unlock special bonus episodes, discounts on our merch, and more by joining us at: maximumfun.org/join!

It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bill of Jesse Thorne with me, Judge John Hodgman. This week's episode was recorded live at San Francisco Sketchfest. At Marines Memorial Theater, we came home to Sketchfest and had a really wild time on stage. John, did you know that my 87-year-old godfather was in the audience? I did not know that. Yeah, I saw him the next day for lunch. Michael Haynes.

Shout out Michael Haynes. Hey, Michael. He said, I asked him, what do you think of that? What do you think of that program? Yeah. And he said, well, that was quite a show. I didn't expect that blank to show up. That's right.

We've got a surprise, special prop that you can not only hear about on this episode, but see, because this whole episode's on video. Go to our YouTube channel because Daniel Speer was there videoing the whole thing. You'll have to see our final case of the night

to believe it. John, we're in the same studio. You were looking at me so Daniel Spear was behind you. He was making rock on devil horns. This whole show was rock on devil horns. So let's go to the stage at Marines Memorial Theater.

People of San Francisco, you asked us for live justice, and we are here to deliver it. The court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session. Please welcome to the stage, Margo and David. Margo brings the case against her husband, David. David loves breathe-right nasal strips. He says they help him breathe-right. He'd like to wear one all day.

Margo says his breathe-right obsession is embarrassing. She doesn't want to be seen in public with him if he is wearing one. Margot would like him to take off the breathe-right strip first thing in the morning. David wants to live his best breathe-right life. Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide. Also, what do those things do? Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Thank you very much may be seated, Margot and David.

Welcome to the Court of Judge John Hodgman. Who seeks justice in this courtroom? Is it you, Margo? Yes, it is me. And David here is your husband? Yes. David, it says here that you wear breathe-right strips out of your own home in public. Is that correct?

It's true, yes. Where do you wear them? Well, it depends. You wear the pens as well? Not opposed, but yeah, so I wear them out to the gym. You know, out for walks. Out for walks. You live here in San Francisco?

I live in the Bay Area, yes. Okay. And could you give me your home address? I could. Okay. Is it safe to say that when you are out on your walks through your unnamed neighborhood that you are the only person who is wearing a breathe right nasal strip or have you seen others? I think there's probably somebody else. You're not wearing one now, I don't think.

Correct. I'm not wearing one now. Why didn't you stand behind? your dedication to open nostrils. He debated it, Judge. He debated it? And did you end that debate? No, I thought he would lose if he wore it.

He thought he would take it off. Margo, I noticed that you are carrying. By the way, Breathe Right is a brand. We are getting no money from them. There are non-breathy brand nasal strips. But in this case, you aren't carrying. I've used them. They suck. Just so you know.

Breathe Right sponsor, Judge John Hodgman. I noticed that you are carrying a box of Breathe Right nasal strips. I did. I brought them. I didn't want to buzz market, but just to show this whimsical piece of paper with adhesive that he is wearing all the time. It's not merely that you don't like the look of it. You also don't believe that the product works. I mean, I have found that a lot of times the adhesive part is often off of his nose.

It's like just... It's just the top. That's the issue? Is that your only issue? No, it's not my only issue. Like, if it fit better, would you be happier with him going out to dinner and going to the opera and stuff with this thing on his desk? Margot, are you familiar with the term Chekhov's gun? Yes.

How would you describe what that term means? I mean, I think... The first act of a play, if you see a gun on the mantelpiece. Right, then it's obviously going to be used in the second act. Yeah, but what if you don't want to wait for the second act? What if it's the very first case, and you suddenly notice there's something different about Judge John Hodgman at this moment. I mean, I noticed that you're wearing one of the clear Breathe Right strips. Oh, you could see it?

I'm looking for them everywhere now. I could and perhaps should recuse myself. But there's no need to apologize for pursuing peak performance, John. The fact of the matter is, Madam I wear. breathe right nasal strip every evening and very rarely outside. I love them.

And I don't use breathe rights by the way. I use generic brand. Really? Super clear, extra strength. And even then they don't hold on to my nostrils. No, you're by using the generic. I have the extra strength as well. Why don't you put one on and be proud of yourself? You want tan or clear? You choose. It's your life. It's your nose. I think you have to put tan show what you're normally, what's normally going on.

I'll go with tan. Why are you normally wearing tan? They're stronger. He's probably, he isn't a sensitive snowflake like you. This is tan. You gave me a tan one. He usually wears a tan. I do find it on, maybe if I doubled up.

In my experience. See. Unfortunately, it's attached to my class. Oh, yeah. You can't close my nostrils now, Bernoulli Principle. It's so good. Look at how handsome you are. Please, stand.

Stand together. Look, David's your name, right? Yes. David, I love you. Let's take these things off our nose. We're in public, right? Take it off in public, David. Thank you, Margot and David.

Let's bring out our next litigants. Please welcome to the stage, Sumit and Beth. Sumit brings the case against his wife, Beth. Sumit says Beth's pie is so belior. beloved, people have committed crimes for it. But, Summey says, Beth won't take credit for her delicacy. Beth says she won't accept compliments on her pie because her sister, Judy, wrote the recipe. Beth just wants to give credit where credit is due.

Samit, Beth, welcome to the court of Judge Sean Hodgman. You may be seated. Sumit, you bring the case. Yes. And you said that people commit crime. for this pie. First of all, what kind of pie are we talking about here? Pumpkin pie. Pumpkin pie. There's some scattered wooes. Some people who were past the holiday season, some people haven't gotten enough pumpkin pie.

What kind of crimes are being committed? There are crimes in my opinion. Nobody's been formally accused, like there's no court that's done it, but... Well, guess where you are. They're not here, so I work. They're not here, so I worry about making this objective. But to me, last Thanksgiving, this most recent one, Beth made two pies, two pumpkin pies, her famous pumpkin pies. I have a big extended family, 40 people at Thanksgiving. Beth makes two pies because she knows that this pie is popular.

Yeah. The crime to me was that my aunt who was hosting Thanksgiving without telling Beth took one of the pies off of the dessert table and stashed it in her garage. Wow. So. Dude. That rules. When our wonderful producer, Jennifer Marimer, briefed me on this case, she said, he says their crimes, but they're not really crimes.

Jennifer, these are crimes. That is wild that your aunt stole that pie. In the garage, you said? Because she was saving it for another Thanksgiving she was going to the next day. Whoa! I don't know the technical term for disowning an aunt. But first of all, she is no longer a member of your family. Hold on.

Hold on. I don't know the technical term for owning an aunt, but second of all, she is now a member of my family. Oh! This pie is pretty good, Beth. Why don't you want to take credit for it? Well, my sister is a professionally trained chef. Older or younger sister?

She's older. She's been doing this for a long time. And she used to work... And it's her recipe is what you said. It's her recipe. It's published. She used to work at a magazine called Sever, which I'm sure some people are familiar. Sever. A good friend of mine was the editor-in-chief until he was fired.

He wasn't fired. They just let him go. Well, my sister, this recipe was published in Severer 2011. We are both celiac, so we both eat gluten-free. However, I'm also dairy-free. So the recipe is only, there's minor changes to it because I need to be dairy-free. You made adjustments to it. Yes. Yes or no, Beth? I did not change quantities.

I did not change directions. I changed dairy ingredients to non-dairy ingredients. And yet, aunts are stealing this pie, your pie, all over the country. To be fair, we haven't A-B tested the dairy pie versus the non-dairy pie before. We've only ever tested the non-dairy pie. Well, I haven't tested any of this pie. Do we have some? Yes. All right, let's bring out the pie, please.

We have two. Thank you. This, Heather Gallagher here from there. Our stage manager every year here at Marines Memorial. And, well, that piece is for, oh, I see, got you. This piece is for you, Jesse. Oh, these are the same. This is all your pie. This is the non-dairy version. Correct. Although there's dairy and the whipped cream, because I didn't make that. Well, I'm not going to make you eat it. Thank you. And I'm going to give it a taste. Sumit, you get nothing.

I've had a lot. You've had a lot. I know. Your aunt stealing it for you. Don't worry, there's an extra pie at home. It's a really lovely pie. It's got a really nice color. And that looks like maybe some kind of, what kind of, what's the crust made out of? It's a pecan crust. It's a pecan crust.

Pecan being one of the four state nuts of California. That's true. Those of you were at E. Pluribus Motto yesterday. No. No, thank you very much. The other one's Governor Moonbeam, Mr. Jerry Brown, okay? talking about nuts. He's the official state nut.

So while Jesse's tasting this, Samit, what does this have to do with you? It sounds like it's between the sisters. I don't even know that it's between the sisters. What it has to do with me is that Judy makes the pie very occasionally. Judy is Beth's sister. It's her recipe.

Shut up, Sumit. This is great. I guess shut your pithole because I got to... You've got to use your pyehole to shut his pyehole. Now you may continue. Open your pie hole. and continue your sentence.

Where I come in is it's my family, this huge Bay Area extended family that might be the biggest consumer of this pie. And every Thanksgiving, half of them, tell Beth this pie's amazing, this pie is amazing. Your whole Bay Area family plus all the other families that you're and is feeding. Actually true. And Beth continues to deflect the compliments and remind people up front that it's her sisters, which I think is okay, but I'd like her to take her. credit for it too. Your older sister

is named Judy, it says here? Yes. And is she a big bully who's always been pushing you around and you've always been... I thought this might come up. With the record show that some meat nodded vigorously. So... And Beth is nervous that Judy's going to come up here and give her a wedgy on stage. The thing is, I'm the favorite sister.

So she... Wow. There's three of us. And I think she would lie to me if we were to ask her if I can claim the pie. Well, guess what? she doesn't have a say, I do. This is your pie. You should take credit for it, and I hereby dub it, favorite sister pie.

Thank you, Sumit and Bath. Swift Justice continues, Jesse, who's next? Please welcome to the stage, Shea and Grace. Shea and Grace. Welcome. Shea brings the case against her friend, Grace. Shea and Grace love going to restaurants together,

but there's one restaurant that Grace refuses to go to with Shea. A little restaurant called Benny Hanna. Shea says it'll be fun. Grace says she wants to enjoy her dinner without having to watch a juggling act. Judge Hodgman?

Shea, Grace, thank you for being here. You may be seated. Shay, explain for those who may not know, Benihanna. Yes. So, Benny Hanna is a chain restaurant. Ah, yes. I've been expecting this question. I'm sure you're wondering why I've brought you here.

Please start my PowerPoint now. But it's a Japanese-themed restaurant, but it's a chain restaurant, and you sit around the grill and the chef prepares the meal in front of you. Right. It is a big stainless steel flat-top grill called a tepaniaki. They call it often a hibachi, but that's sort of a misnomer. And it's very performative, right? Very performative.

Now, I actually have never been to Benihana. I actually recently learned that they were still in existence, which is a surprise to me. Hold on. You've never even been to the Benihana that Tyrese built in his backyard? That's real, folks. So you've always wanted to go. Well, you know, I thought about it, yeah. And then when I found out, we are friends.

And over the years, no friend would go with you, so you've gotten rid of them, one after the other. Exactly. Grace is the last person who will hang around with you and she's denying this chance. Benihana not only exists and not just in Tyrese from the Fast and the Furious's backyard, Yeah. I just walk past one today in the Japan Town Mall. What were you doing there? Maybe staying at the Hotel Kabuki, big sponsor for the... Big sponsor for the SF Sketch Fest. I don't know. Who knows where we're staying? No one knows where we're staying.

Certainly not room 1205. Look for the man wearing breathe right nasal strips. Oh, sorry, Grace, you were saying you've never been. You've always dreamed of it. It's been a childhood dream. Yes. So I learned that they actually not only... exist, but they're expanding. And so one is, like, going to be a location sort of near I live. But I reached out to Grace, and I was like, hey, I can't

believe Benny Hana still exists, and they're going to be opening up a location near me. Let's go. And her response was, tell me how it is. No. Grace. I'm going to be at your meets Ants Thanksgiving.

What's the problem? You don't like little volcanoes made out of onions? You don't like guys flipping food into your face? Yes, to all of the above. At the risk of alienating all Benihanna fans, I view Benihana as the Chucky Cheese for adult dining. And as an extreme introvert, I go out of my way to avoid interacting with strangers,

and it just seems like that brand is all about interacting with strangers. Yeah, because you're not only, you're seated around a big grill with strangers, and then the chef, who is usually a stranger, is doing all sorts of flips and tricks and balancing an egg on a spatula and making little volcanoes out of onion rings and doing other things, and literally, like, tossing food at people. John, I don't mean to correct you, but Grace is at. actually sitting on stage in front of a thousand people.

Which is very humiliating on top of that. Grace, may I congratulate you on being a very supportive friend. If you're an introvert, this must be a little bit scary for you. Thank you for being here. Why wouldn't you just go with Shay one time to Beniana? Because I have no interest in going. I feel like my time should be spent doing things I want to do. If She wanted me to go bungee jumping with her,

I would not go with her there either. Shea, do you want to go bungee jumping with Grace? Not particularly. All right. I am inclined to rule in Grace's favor because people like what they like, and if they're not comfortable with it, then they shouldn't have to do it. And also, by the way, Shea, you can just go by yourself if you're so excited about it. I bet you could find anyone to go with you.

Just put something on Craigslist looking for a Benny Hama partner. But my birthday is coming up. You had to put that on the dark web. What did you just say? I just said, but my birthday is coming up. And I asked her to go for my birthday. Well, I'd still say tough. But that said, I am going to offer you an opportunity where we rarely do this in the court of Judge John Hodgman.

But it's a rare legal procedure called trial by tepaniaki. I happen to have some wonderful pie here in front of me. I'm going to flick it at you. No, you can't stand up, sit down. And if you, I'm going to give you three tries to catch a little pumpkin pie in your mouth. And Grace, if she gets it, you have to go to Benihanna for it.

Can I appeal? Yeah, find another podcast, cool. All right, here we go. Here's number one. Look, that was a bad throw. My hands are immaculately clean, by the way. Oh. Let the record show it landed on her chin. Shea very,

got very close to rescuing it with her tongue. Last chance. No, I'm not. That's a lot of pie, John. No, that's not. That would not be appropriate. I'm going to give you a slightly larger target. Opa.

One more time. One more time. One more time. Your birthday's on the line. Grace, take a sedative, go to Benihana, wear sunglasses. You don't have to participate. You can actually just stand behind Shea.

But I do find in Shea's favor. Congratulations, trial like Teppaniaki is over. And that's the end of Swift Justice. San Francisco, are you ready for Mega Justice? Let's bring out our litigants. Please welcome to the stage, Beth and Jim.

Tonight, let's... them eat case. Beth brings the case against her husband, Jim. 15 years ago, Jim and their younger daughter Casey built something together for an extracurricular history project. It's a controversial piece of home decor, especially now that Casey has grown up and moved out. For some reason, Beth wants to get rid of it, but Jim says the item has sentimental value. Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide. Please rise. As Judge John Hodgson, enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference. La Mont-A-Régray,

the Rassauwain national, the Lucan, the Vuev, the Massico, the raccoiseuse patriotic, the Bois de Justice. Beale of Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Beth and Jim, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you? God or whatever? I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his home has no decor? I do. Yes.

You may proceed. My chambers are just a blank. It's like, you know, it's an homage to the Appalads. I just live in a blank one. I feel the most comfortable. Beth and Jimmy may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors. Can either of you guess the piece of culture that I referenced

as I entered this. courtroom, I don't like the look on Jim's face. I think he's got it. So we'll start with you, Beth. Do you have a guess? I'm going to guess something written by Moliere. Something written by Moliere, a very famous French playwright. Yes.

Playwright? Yes. Thank you. Thank you, audience. Very smart. Jim, what do you got? Well, I don't speak French, but... Good.

It sounded to me like a list of names that have been given to the guillotine. Interesting. Because of that, it makes me think it was perhaps, well, perhaps by Mr. Gilotin himself. I've never had a way, I've never done this where I didn't have a way to weasel out of it. Well, I can change my answer. Good. Do it. Well, I think it perhaps was in the liner notes for a bang bang. The scary cherry in the bang bangs.

had a song called Cut Your Head Off. Didn't they? All guesses are wrong. We must go ahead and hear the case. Jim, you are a science teacher still or retired? No, no. I was taught science in elementary through high school for a few years until we had children.

And your children are here today. They are here today, yes. Welcome, welcome children. And once I realized that the science teaching was not paying for the child care. I quit the science teaching and became a child carer. Got it. So Jim, tell me about

this project that you and your younger daughter worked on together. Hold on. Let the record reflect that someone applauded that a bunch of children lost their science teacher. Can I tell you, it's so hard to find science teachers at public schools that when

my biology teacher, Mr. Kelly, brought a gun to school and showed it off. He didn't get fired. So, Jim, tell me about this school project that

you helped your daughter with your younger daughter of two. My favorite youngest daughter. You're very good. Very, very, very, you threaded that needle well. Some 15 years ago. Tell me about the project. Well, they are studying the French Revolution. They're reading various

books and things about the But nobody was talking about the, they're doing anything about guillotine. No, no, that's true. No one was doing anything about guillotine. So it seemed to me that education on the French Revolution is incomplete unless you have experience to guillotine. Now you mentioned that both daughters were still here with us. Right.

Glad to hear that. They always say the guillotine is the most powerful teacher. I know if you guys they could use a lesson. So what? you read about the guillotine, you helped her draw one, what did you do? Well, yeah, all of the above, yes. And what else did you do? Well, then we proceeded to build it.

You built a guillotine. This is what's at your home. It is indeed. I see. And Beth, where is, excuse me, yeah, Beth. And Beth, where is the guillotine? Well, for the past 10-plus years, it's been in Casey's former bedroom. Former bedroom, but I'm sorry, you misunderstood me.

Where is the guillotine? In her bedroom. Yeah, but where is it right now? In her bedroom. I think you're in for a surprise. Could we have the guillotine, please, Heather? Let's find the guillotine. Jim, it occurs to me that we've been doing the Judge John Hodgman podcast

also for over a decade. And while we've always dispensed justice, it's true that we've often had a problem enforcing our sentences. I feel like this is what we've been waiting for all along. May I have it? I'm sure Beth would give it to you. Yes, but you would prefer not to. That's the crux of the case, isn't it?

It is, yes. Honestly, I'm a little worried that you and your daughters built this on January 5th, 2021. Jim, does it work? The blade does come down. Is it a blade? We have never... Well, it's a wooden blade.

Oh, I see. But it would probably still kill a person if they put their head in there. What if I put some pie in it? It's worth the experiment. Science is all about the experiment. Science is all about the experiment. Shall we give it a try? You've got to go help them.

Where do I? Jim, you better show me where to place the pie. Sure, but I'm not exactly sure, but. So we have the pie here on a paper plate. We're putting it into the head hole. Yeah, what kind of hole is it, Jesse? All right, he put it in the pie hole. And Jim?

Perhaps Jesse should step aside. I know where I sit with this audience. All right. For the people listening at home, Jim is holding the rope, and he's going to let it go. And the blade is made of what? Blackwood. And about how tall would you think of guillotine is? The guillotine from base to top is nine and a half feet.

Nine and a half feet. Is that regulation? It's a three-quarter size. I wanted to build a full-size one, but that's four meters, and our ceiling is only 10 feet. And how old was your daughter at the time? Oh, okay, so smaller. That would do the job. All right, good enough.

Let's go ahead and kill this pie. Wow, look at that. I'm going to, I got to get some footage. Hold on, wait, wait, wait. I've got to get some footage back here. Okay, go ahead. Holy moly Whoa

Whoa Wait a minute The pie she has been cleaved That's That's a very clean cut That's a very clean cut There you go sir That's for you

You can share it with one other person Sir That's a souvenir for you to keep Beth You gotta admit It's a nice guillotine It's a beautiful guillotine that does not belong in the small house that we occupy. That belongs in the people's house, the halls of Congress.

Lock her up, lock her up. Now that it's out of your house for the moment, I'm going to rule whether it goes back. But how does it feel to have it out of the house? Brilliant. It's incredible. Your daughter doesn't live there anymore. She's an adult now. Exactly. And but you've got the spare room.

You've got the guillotine room now. You say it's a small house, but you have this extra bedroom. What else are you going to put in there? I honestly would love to have a guest room. I'll tell you something. I have a guest room, and I'm thinking a guillotine would be a good. Be a good reminder. My older daughter doesn't want to sleep on an inflatable mattress when she comes home.

But this is, no one's sleeping on this. thing. Yeah, how is she sleeping now from her feet like Batman? It's very vertical. I feel like you could put a bed in this, I mean, it's still... Plus, if you ever wanted to Airbnb the house, you could put it under amenities.

That's true. We have a photo of the guillotine in the former daughter's bedroom, in situ as it were. Can we take a look at that, please? So I'm pointing out to you, I mean, you know your own home, but I can see a bed right next to that guillotine.

and anyone could stay there. It's a single bed. It's a single bed, I see. But it's very good for hat storage, apparently. But the problem is it encourages the hat collection, which is a whole different thing. I would say what we're seeing, just to describe for the folks listening at home,

we're seeing a music stand, a pile of papers, a single bed, a guillotine, and a collection of what I would call milady cats. There are many pegs along the vertical posts of the guillotine. This is not a French Revolution standard necessarily. I made certain adjustments for Beth's sake. Because after the guillotine, the last thing you need is a hat. Well, there is no.

Jim, whose hats are these? There are my hats, sir. How many hats are there, Jesse? Would you say? One, two, three, four. Uh, too many. Too many hats. It's like that book, Hats for Sale.

Yeah. There's one hat here under this school chair at the bottom of the guillotine. Hold on. Just for the at-home listener, I did an incredible caps-for-sale impression just now. You only brought in this one hat. Actually, I brought in a box of hats, but it was deemed unnecessary. I think the staff of the staff of the Marines Memorial Theater distributed the other hats amongst themselves for purposes of mockery.

What kind of hat is this, Jim? I believe it's a Masonic hat, though I like it because it has a certain Napoleon Bono part form to it. Do I wear it this way? I believe so. All right, I will. For my preliminary ruling, this is my hat now. Suddenly, I feel like I'm working with like a freaking Pegasusus unicorn.

Does Jim have any other collections of things, Beth? Oh, yes. May we see a slide? So what are we seeing here in Exhibit B, Jim? Exhibit B is a selection of Keynes that I have made. Oh, Kane's staffs and wizard staffs that I have made. Yeah. I wouldn't call...

I would call this the You Shall Not Pass collection of Gandalfian knobbly wood walking stick. that you've crafted or collected over there? Well, I collected the windfall wood and then finished it. You finished, you finished. Cut them, sanded. Yeah, when you're saying made, like, you're saying this is a collection of staves and walking sticks and so forth.

I'm just seeing crap that fell out of trees. Like, what is the difference between this and just stick sticks? Well, I think there, aesthetically, there is a slight improvement, I think. So you've curated the shit that fall. Your role is curatorial in nature. Jesse, we've established that you can count. How many staffs are we talking about there? One, two.

Two many. Too many. Too many staffs. Beth, would you agree? Absolutely. I mean, it's got to be 10 or 12 staffs up there. How many minds of Moria are you walking for it? There's like 30 staffs here.

Why aren't you like giving these to old wizards homes? Well, I have, in fact, given about six of them away. But you never... Oh, so this is the depleted collection. It is. Does Jim have difficulty giving things away, Beth, or getting rid of things in his collections? Definitely.

What can you tell me, Beth, about Exhibit C? What are we looking at here? These are some figurines. Is that a nativity scene up there? What's going on here? They're nativity scenes. He collects little figures and makes nativity scenes out of them.

but often starts with a nativity scene and then embellishes them. But at Christmas time, they're all over the home. But Beth, you would like Jim to throw all these Jesuses into the garbage? No. No? No.

He's very good about only bringing them out during December. Jim, how did it feel to take the guillotine out of your daughter's old bedroom? Well, as long as it's temporary, I was fine with it. Well, think of it as an emotional rehearsal for getting rid of it forever. Yes. Did you have any feel? I guess I'm asking, did you have any feelings of, you know, I have two adult children who are whole human beings in their own right.

They live in different cities. I miss them a lot. Their bedrooms are full of garbage. They become wonderful storage rooms for us that we have to clean up from time to time. But when I go in there, I often feel a pang of sadness. And this is something that you worked on. with your daughter and now, you know, she's out in the world. How does that feel?

Well, I miss her. I still see her. When we are on good speaking terms, despite the fact there has been, since this started, there's been suspicion and distrust growing in the family because I've caught my older, my favorite oldest daughter, has in fact been colluding with my wife against me. I am not exactly sure where things stand with me and my younger daughter. She claims to be on my side, but on the other hand, she was helping Beth come up with some of the obscure reference. You're suggesting that your daughters are divided against each other.

One would like to keep the... Well, I don't know. Does your younger daughter have an opinion about the guillotine in her room? I believe she wants to keep it. She wants to keep it. And I would second that. Yeah, no, we know where you stand. But the reason I can't answer it definitively

is because I do not believe it is the role of the children to come in between the disputes of the adults. And to ask our children to weigh in on whether they think we should be keeping or getting rid of it. Did you just call them your troldron handoff? Your older daughter would like to get rid of it. Your younger daughter would like to keep it. going on? Your older daughter is on Beth's side and your younger daughter's on your side.

I'm not sure that the older daughter, Dana, actually wants to get rid of it. I just think she wants to support Beth over me. I think she just is picking aside here. I think she'd be perfectly happy if it stayed in Casey's bedroom. Well, I'll tell you what. She has her own bedroom, right? That you can go back to, your older daughter? Yes, she can sleep upstairs where she slept as a teenager. Now, you would like to keep it in the bedroom. Beth, it's been there for all this time. Why now? Because I just recently retired.

Congratulations. I dealt with death and taxes for 35 years, and it's just kind of a constant reminder of that. Were you a CPA for a mortician? I was a trust in a state's lawyer. Oh, I see. So this seems grim to you. Yes. But, you know, these are turbulent times.

One might argue that a guillotine is probably the best home decor you can have. Well, if we could bring it to protest, that would be a different issue. Let's not talk any more about that. Your Honor. It's not portable. We can't, like, remove it when we have a guest over and then put it back. It's just... It's quite large.

And yet we brought it here. That's true. Under a court order. Fartherbar, since you did mention... It's possible use. And I would like to suggest that this is not the time to deprive local citizenry of a valuable symbol and tool for political dialogue. John, not after you already made them get rid of their giant paper mache Ralph Nader puppet. And I could also add, I did at one time have a life-size.

paper mesh, since you mentioned paper meshay, a life-size paper meshay, a femur, dinosaur femur, that was over six feet. Well, good for you. And I got rid of it. That's one thing that you got rid of. Well, I just want to... Time moves in one direction, Jim. We must get rid of things all the time.

Well, I think it is important to point out that when I originally, this guild team took up about five feet by two feet more, it extended out because you had needed a platform to lie the person down as they're getting beheaded. Sure. And once... I did notice there was no platform. Once, yes. Once the case, the Casey's project was over and she was... getting wary of the space. I mean, we kept it quite a while because it was a useful bench.

I wasn't useful. Well, they were running an MRI center at all time. But I made accommodation when Beth was complaining, and Casey was... And how long ago was it that you removed the bench? Some years ago, I removed that bench. What's wrong with that system, Beth? One piece of the guillotine every five years. Beth, you have suggested an alternate use case, and it says here,

the guillotine can go in the yard and act as a trellis and then it says like the kayaks what's happening in your yard why are you using kayaks as trellises Jim also collects kayaks Jim collects kaii but so he had I object to that characterization

that's close he had two kayaks that were no longer usable so he planted them in the yard. Okay. And we have a rose growing up them. Yeah. And so, you know, it would be better than having it in the house. We could put some kind of climbing vine on it.

You live here in the Bay Area somewhere? Yes. And this backyard, is it visible to other neighbors of this? Yes. All right. No, it's private. No, it is, at borders, there are three other yards that borders are, Well, four other yards at Border Ari backyard.

But they cannot see into our backyard enough to see what's going on. They can't... Hold on. What kind of watercraft have they planted it in their yards? Jim, if I were to order that this guillotine be used in your backyard as a kayak-adjac-adjacent planter, how would that make you feel? It would make me feel very sad, Your Honor. Tell me more about your sadness.

Well, for one, just the idea of a guillotine being exiled from the house into the yard. It will be subject to a manner of outrages from birds, squirrels, the weather, complaining neighbors. It will not survive, I do not think, out there. Plus, it will clash with the current decor. It's true. I believe it was Robespierre who said, move the kayaks. We're bringing the guillotine in it. I know what would you have me do with the you want to put it into the yard

how long do you want to keep the guillotine then well I was thinking either until my favorite youngest daughter asks for it to be removed or I pass on to the greater beyond without the aid of the guillotine Casey you're in the audience your opinion will not be but do you have one? Yes. Let the record show a loud yes was yelled.

A plaintiff yes, I think. What would you, do you want the guillotine in your old room? Yes or no? Yes, please. What do you think about that, Beth? Do you want it at your house? Yeah. I think I've heard everything on YouTube

in order to make my decision. I'm going to go, I'm going to go. to go sit here in this school bench that was installed. What happens if I sit here? I'm gonna go into my chambers and my regular chambers and make my decision. I'll be back in the home with my verdict.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Beth, how are you feeling about your chances right now? I'm optimistic. Why is that? Because I think the good judge has good sense and understands that. that, you know, 10 plus years is plenty. Jim, how are you feeling about your chances?

Well, not as optimistic as I was coming in. I think the judge did, there's some testimony that the judge did not ask for from me. Oh, come on, Jim. I listen to every word you said. Go ahead and tell Jesse your testimony. I can hear you. I still have, I still have ears on the same.

sides of my head, which is still on my shoulders. One, Beth claims that she needs a guest room, but I would like to point out that we never have guests. We are basically anti-social people, and the only people that ever stay in that room

is our daughter, who actually will be spending the night here, there tonight. And I think she will be quite sad and feel rather lonely that the guillotine is not there. Farthermore, I did... make accommodations when Beth initially

I'm sorry, I just got to interject something real quick. You say you don't have a lot of guests. Let's say I were invited over to your house to stay. What might be next to my bed? Well, hopefully it would be a guillotine. My feeling is that a house should reflect the passions and the personalities of the people who inhabit it and if...

And your passion is friendlessness. And if a person is spooked by a guillotine, they don't need to sleep at the house, they can still visit. I mean... Also, we do have alternatives. We could move the guillotine to the living room. And then you could use it for Pinnacle night. Well, at that point, the seat would be more useful

because we do need more seating in the living room. And we could also hang no case. It's on a nice big picture window facing the street, and we could hang no king signs on it. Well, let's see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this. It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast, and we want to let you know about two places where you can come see and hang out with us.

First of all, we are headed back to new, York City, Brooklyn, New York City, where they paint murals of biggie. We're going home, everybody, home to Brooklyn for me and home away from home at the Bell House for me and Jesse, where we are debuting a brand new kind of intimate, fun, live show that we're calling Nightcourt. Yeah, we've been thinking about, like, how can we have the most John and Jesse freestyle wild action in a show? We're going to get up to some wild and woolly stuff and just have to be.

have a good time there at the Bell House, and it's better when you're there. Friday, March 6th, Saturday, March 7th, you can get tickets right now at maximum fun.org slash events or over there at the Bell House website. They always have some fun stuff going on there. Feel free to come to both, shows. I think they're both going to be almost completely entirely different. Yep. And by the way, speaking of Cruz is Jesse Thorne. Mark Evan Jackson, famous improviser comedian and incredible actor. He's also a boat captain. He's a co-owner of a historic wooden school. Sailing out of Rockland, Maine called the Grace Bailey. Yeah.

I have been on this sailing schooner, captain by Captain Sam Sycambe. And it is a true, a glorious, slow and exciting delight to cruise around Pinaub-Scott Bay, Maine, on the Grace Bailey. It is, it is truly magical. And I said to Mark Evan Jackson, I'd like to come back and I'd like to bring my friend Jesse Thorne and dispense some maritime. law and guess what? We're doing it. June 14th through the 18th. We're not getting paid for this. I want to emphasize this is not a paid thing for us. This is because we want to go on a boat with

Mark Evan Jackson. And we want to go on a boat with you. There aren't very many births on this boat. I think it's got a total, total passenger capacity of maybe 25 people. Yeah. So tickets to this incredible cruise around Penobscot Bay are going quickly. I'm going to do a little reading from vacation land one night. Oh, great. Jesse and I will dispense some maritime law. I'm going to be reenacting my favorite scenes from Cabin Boy. Yeah, and we're going to, absolutely, and we're going to be hanging around on this boat. And by the way, it's a small boat, so guaranteed face time. Hey, little girl, would you like to buy a monkey? That's a, that's a quote from Cabin Boy. June 14th through 18th is the one that we're going to be on. So go on the end.

internet onto the Grace Bailey's website with sale grace bailey.com. That's S-A-I-L-G-R-A-C-E-B-A-L-E-Y. Join us on that. Please, no murderers. That's right. And by the way, it's not just that's going to be on this, going to be the captain's cat, Fiji, one of the great cats of the world. One of the great cats of the seven seas. Very pedible. All right. Let's get back to the stage of the Marines Memorial Theater. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. First, I want to make sure to thank not only Heather, but everyone here at Marines Memorial Theater, Caleb, Dottie Miles, Imade for making all this show happen, including getting this guillotine in here. A round of applause for me and a while. La Mont-a-Regre means the regretful climb.

The Rois-ois-National is the National Razor. Some of the other nicknames for the guillotine. translated from French in this case were the machine, the paper trimmer, Capet's necktie, the patriotic shortener, the half-moon, Charlo's rocking chair,

the Goncourt Prize for Murderers and the Timbers of Justice. Amazing. As I thought about my obscure cultural reference, I had to balance what could I find that would not tip the hat, as it were, of this incredible surprise we were bringing on stage.

And so I thought to myself, well, I'll just read out these nicknames. And I said, I bet Jim's going to get it if I read it in English. But if I read it in French, he might not get it. And yet he got it. Year after year after year, more than a decade, as we all keep euphemistically saying. I don't want to say how many years exactly.

Year after year after year, for more than a decade, I have been deploying cultural references. and the few times that someone has gotten it correctly, I've always found a way to weasel out of it. But I couldn't weasel out of this one, Jim. No. I couldn't weasel out of it. It was like a knife descending upon my neck.

Your desire and necessity to be correct. Cut this podcast in half. If there's one thing that the guillotine reminds us is that all things come to an end. So this is the last episode of it. of the show. You can thank Jim. No, of course not.

We're going to continue the podcast. But I mean, this is the crux of the issue here, which is that you made this incredible thing with one of your two, I presume, incredible daughters. And now I'm talking. Go ahead, Jim. I would just like to point out that was a period of great bonding in her teenage years,

which were rather difficult. and yet it's a golden go through all the difficulties I'm not going to go any farther on that I just cleaned out the the link trap and the dryer here at Marines Memorial you want to air out some dirty laundry Jim

if it helps I'll be your friend finish your thought please Jim well the point is it was meaningful and we still have a very good relationship and actually improved after this project. I'm glad, yeah. And I view this guillotine as something of a model of effective, creative parenting.

Yeah, I completely agree with you. I thought you were going to say governmental reform. No, I completely agree with you, and it's a profoundly special thing that you created with your daughter, and it's an incredible monument, a deadly one, but an incredible monument not only to human maiming, but also the time of human bonding. You see what I mean? And so I truly appreciate your desire to hang on to it, but the truth is, time does move in one direction.

The last execution of the guillotine was 1977, which is wild. But I mean, we don't use it anymore. Your child is an adult, you know, and this has no functional purpose. in your home no matter how many hats you hang on it. And I appreciate, like, this is the hard part of parenting, you know. It's hard to let go of those things. I mean, you know, I think my dad still has like my old clarinet or whatever that I left in my room when I went to college. And if he ever asked me, can I throw it away?

I would probably, well, at this point I'd say yes, but there were years when I would say no. It's hard both for child and adult to and parent to give up these things. I'm sure you feel the same way about some things. Or maybe you're the kind of parent who's like the minute they left for college, you took all of their art off the fridge and burned it. I don't know. People have different feelings about these things. But it has been more than a decade.

And I think that as unique a piece it is, I think that there is a, I have to find in your favor because you won the cultural reference quiz. You know what I'm saying? But I think the completion of the project has to be that your daughter takes it. Now, I'm sorry, Casey. Let the record reflect that the daughter reenacted the children's book Caps for sale. I'm sorry about it, Casey.

I mean, and I hate to put this in such morbid terms, but I am on stage with the guillotine. You're going to get this thing one way or the other. Your Honor, could you ask Casey to open a letter that I gave her before the show? I don't think there's any way to open a letter. Unfortunately, we have no blade or any way to open it. No, Casey, you have a letter that was given to you by your dad before the show? It has some bearing on your ruling.

Where is Casey in this moment? She's in the first row here. Casey, I guess you better come on up here. Would you please walk through those doors? Our colleague, Jennifer Marmer, will give you a hand onto this stage. Now, no one tell Casey that there's a pot of boiling oil. This is an old castle death trap that we set up as a little history lesson for all of us.

And let me just preface this to say. I wrote this primarily to protect Casey's rights. in the guillotine. I see. Here's Casey. A round of applause for Casey. Do you need a mark that? Read the front of.

No, excuse me, Beth, you should not be displaced. You're a whole human being in your own right. You've been living with this thing for more than a decade. You keep your seat. Jim, move over. Let the generations shift for this moment at least. Now, Casey, thank you very much for being here.

Thank you. And for coming up on stage, you know, in the spur of the moment. It's an honor, your honor. It sounds, we're fine, thank you, Jennifer. It sounds as though your dad has given you a letter that you have not read. Correct. This is a sealed envelope. Yes.

Did he mail it to himself to copyright it? Yeah, there's just screenplay ideas. He secretly passed it to me under the dinner table right before the show. Ah, okay. What does it say on the exterior of the envelope? Attention. Casey to be opened only if Beth prevails in tonight's case in the court, of Judge John Hodgman.

Now, technically the gavel has not come down. Your father has already won an immediate summary judgment in his favor, and my ruling, and I will unseal my own envelope here, was to be that you have one year to get that thing out of the house,

but he gets to keep it for another year. That was going to be the ruling in his favor. Sorry, Beth. But let's see what happens when you open that envelope. I could change my mind. Oh, those have you don't sabotage this. It just says the blade sings its sweet song at midnight? I don't know if I need to read this.

Why? Is it something you recognize or what? No, it's just interesting news to me. To whom it may concern? You addressed it to me. I. To be fair, Casey, I share your concerns. I. James...

for full ownership of the guillotine that I built, with the inspiration and help of Casey to Casey B. Casey B.C. Casey becomes sole owner of said guillotine, beginning on the evening of January the 18th, 2026, after Judge John Hodgman has finished collecting the testimony of James and Beth and before he reaches a verdict regarding their dispute over the guillotine, signed, James

dated January 17th. Yesterday. That was yesterday. That's dated yesterday. That's dated yesterday. Can I just say, Judge Hodgman? Big if true.

Jim, you got the cultural reference right. You anticipated my every move, and you protected yourself by leaving a before dying, leaving a, will and testament.

A message beyond the grave of this court. Forcing this thing onto your daughter before I could force it onto your daughter. Somehow outwitting your wife the estate attorney. I don't like it. Jim, I'm inclined to

say off with your head. But I think inadvertently you have reached the just conclusion, which is this. You keep this thing in your house till the midterms. Casey, find a place for it and get it out of there. But here's the thing, Casey. Let me see that letter.

I want to tear this thing up so bad. I was about to tear this thing. I was about to put it in the guillotine. But I don't think the guillotine could cut paper, and I don't want to tear up a letter from your father. But here's the thing. Time will come when your father can't leave you any letters. Don't let him control you from beyond the grave.

This is the sound of a gap. Keep it for one more year. Keep it till the midterms. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. That's another episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thanks to Reddit user Brian Seby for naming the case in this episode. We're on YouTube and TikTok at Judge John Hodgman Pod.

Follow us over there. The Judge John Hodgman podcast created by John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne, Megan Rosati, our social media specialist, A.J. McKeon, our podcast editor. Daniel Spear is our video editor. our producer both in studio and in San Francisco, the great Jennifer Marmer. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artists-owned shows. Supported directly by you.