Judge John Hodgman - Live From Atlanta 2019

Episode Date: January 22, 2020

This week's episode was recorded LIVE in Atlanta Georgia at the Variety Playhouse in 2019. First up, "Clothing Arguments." Brian files suit against his wife Kelly. When Brian is folding laundry, he places the folded clothes in piles around the house. Kelly likes to knock the piles of laundry over onto the floor. Brian would like this to stop, but Kelly insists that it’s all in good fun. Then, the judge and bailiff are joined by special guest Amber Nash, voice of Pam on the hit FX show Archer! Together they'll dispense justice on cases having to do with chocolates in trail mix, favorite colors, and more during Swift Justice. Thank you to Jon Combs for naming this week's case! To suggest a title for a future episode, follow Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions.

Welcome to the Judge John Hotchman podcast. This week, a live episode recorded at the Variety Playhouse in Atlanta, Georgia. We have some excellent cases for you. And we're joined on stage by special guest Amber Nash from Archer. Yay. Yeah, I know. It was incredible. Lover. This is a really, really fun night in Atlanta.

It's always fun in Atlanta. You know what they call Atlanta, Jesse? What do they call Atlanta? Hot Town. Hot Town, Georgia. I've heard that too. Hot Town, Georgia. So enjoy this live episode from Hotville, Georgia, USA. Let's go to the stage of the Variety Playhouse in Atlanta. Atlanta, Georgia, you've come to us desperate for justice, and we here at the Variety Playhouse are ready to deliver. Let's bring out our first set of litigants. Please welcome Brian and Kelly. Tonight's case, clothing arguments. Brian files suit against his wife, Kelly.

When Brian is folding laundry, he places the folded clothing in piles around the house. Kelly likes to knock the piles of laundry over onto the floor. Brian would like this to stop. Kelly insists, it's all in good fun. Who's right, Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise metaphorically as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom

and delivers an obscure cultural reference. Loss cat speckles does not call when come limps dirty not tag reward needs medicines phone call ward 404-538-4889. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Brian and Kelly, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. Yes. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that rather than washing his own clothes, he simply grows a new set? Yes. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Brian and Kelly, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors. Can either of you name the piece of popular culture that I paraphrased when I entered this courtroom? Brian, you go first. What's your guess? I'm going to guess that that is a lost advertisement for your cat when you were a child. You're presuming that I was, as a child, an extremely negligent cat owner. No, sir. I was losing cats all the time. Is that what you're trying to imply?

No, sir. Cats tend to... No. My cat pokey stayed at home. In no way was that cat lost ever. But we'll say lost cat poster. How about that? We'll put that into the guest book.

There, I wrote it down. Now, Kelly, what is your guess? I will say a lost cat ad on Craigslist. A lost cat ad on Craigslist. He already got lost cat ad. A reverse, a trick to get someone to find a cat and give it to you. A trick. This I like.

Kelly, I like the way you think. Thank you. Thank you. If only there was a place to get cats. No, it's impossible. Well, if I come up with the right trick, I'll find one. As we all know, all the cats in Atlanta are owned. It's impossible.

It's not like they're just wandering around in a colony out in that alley right now. There's a waiting list for cats in Atlanta. It's very sad. I know. there's a waiting list for cats in Atlanta. It's very sad. I know. So the way to do it is I'm going to put a poster saying lost cat

and I'm going to make it very, very sad and also very, very poorly spelled. And I'm going to have the picture of the cat be so blurry someone will look at their own cat and go, oh, maybe this cat belongs to someone else. Even though I've had this cat since it was a kitten. Maybe this cat was lost and maybe I better give it to this stranger. All right.

I find in Kelly's favor. Preliminarily. Preliminarily. Thank you. It's yours. I have a long way to go. Why are you doing that? Let the record show for those listening at home

that Kelly made hand paws. Kelly, when she said, I have a long way to go, and then she sort of went, meow. Kelly, I'm obligated to ask you to shut your paw hole. Kelly, I'm obligated to ask you to shut your paw hole. The answer is it is not a lost cat poster, nor is it a fake lost cat poster. It is specifically a lost cat poster. Specifically, a meme before there were memes here in Atlanta.

A piece of viral art that was posted all over Atlanta by an artist named R. Land. And you see, you see. And how do I know this? Well, obviously obviously I know the history of Atlanta very deeply. It is the ancestral home of my father-in-law and The Rock. No, it's because they have a big blow-up of it in the green room. And luckily for me, our friend Chuck Bryant from the Stuff You Should Know podcast brought us some barbecue from Fox Brothers, and he said, oh, look at that, the Lost Cat poster.

I'm like, what's that all about? And he told me the story so I could trick you. That's right. I win. Telling you about something, it's his profession. I win. So, well, so we have to hear your case. So I'm not sure if I win.

Sounds like that was some stuff you should have known. So we have to hear your case, so I'm not sure if I win. Sounds like that was some stuff you should have known. So you come before this court, Brian. You seek justice. I may note that you have some laundry on this stool here that you brought with you from home, I presume. Yes, I do. So tell me the nature of the dispute.

So I am very particular about folding my laundry, I do. So tell me the nature of the dispute. So I am very particular about folding my laundry. Yeah. Our laundry. Yeah. I am the laundry. Czar. Yeah. Laundry czar.

Thank you, sweetie. What neighborhood of Atlanta do you live in? Buck Buck? Or Operetta? Or where? Cabbage Patch? What neighborhood of Atlanta do you live in? I'm sorry to say we don't live in Atlanta.

What? Oh, no wonder you know nothing of Lost Cat. Yes. Where do you live? That's okay. A lot of great Atlantans don't live in Atlanta. Atlanta Braves, for example. Sporty trash talk from Jesse Thorne,

the bailiff of baseball, but you're the czar of laundry. Where? We live in Tallahassee, Florida. Tallahassee, Florida? Yes. All right. I agree with you.

It sounds like a terrible place. But there's no reason to boo these visitors from afar. We're all friends and neighbors here. And I'm sure it's... Is Tallahassee

the capital of Florida? Yes, it's the capital. Yeah, I still got it. Bismarck, North Dakota. We sometimes refer to it as Sadahassee, though. Sadahassee?. Sadahassy? Doesn't even track.

Sadahassy. We're sad to be there. No, no. I get the concept. You should call it Failahassy. Right? A little more up to date. Why are you here?

You're not here just for this, are you? Yes. What the what? Yes You're not here just for this, are you? Yes. What the what? Yes. Thank you very much for coming. I'm sorry that I've been so cruel to you so far, but it's all part of the job. We love it.

It's how I stress test you into telling the truth. So this laundry comes from Florida? Yes. Wow. Hang on, let me feel it John, are you surprised that this laundry made the trip from Florida or is it simply that there is laundry in Florida?

I love the state of Florida You can read all about it in my new book, Medallion Status Out now in hardcover in all editions Yeah, those feel like Florida socks to me Alright So this was the closest place that you could come to on the tour. Correct.

Oh, fantastic. Well, thank you for being here. Thank you for having this fight. You're the laundry czar of Falehassee, Florida. Yes. And you fold the laundry nicely. Yes. And according to the affidavit

that was presented to me, Kelly, your wife, knocks the laundry over willy-nilly for her own amusement. And not only does she do it, but this ties into Lost Cat, you do it in a particular way. Yes. Yes. Yes. I know where this is going.

Explain to the audience how you knock over the laundry. Well, I start. Usually he'll leave the laundry stacked on the arm of a couch or the edge of a coffee table. So he'll leave the room and I'm like, where did he go? He's been gone for such a long time. And I'll, you know, meow. No, I don't know. You say you know.

I do not know. I mean you know, I do not know. I mean, John, you're a married man. You know that married couples meow to each other when one leaves the room. And then I'll just continue to kind of push, push, push. Go ahead. Let the record show. If it takes long.

She's made paw hands and she's knocking. Let the record show she's made paw hands and she's knocking. And then I'll just kind of keep going until he shows back up. And it makes a nice little clunk when it falls. We have wood floors at home too. It just goes clunk and it's hilarious.

You... I don't know what to say, madam. There's a lot to unpack here that you brought in this dysfunctional suitcase from Tallahassee. Thank you. It's our gift. Brian folds the laundry,

and then when he leaves the room, you transform into a cat. Yes! You meow. You make paw. It's so fun. It's so fun. She's making the paw hands again.

Yes. And as a cat might, you paw the laundry onto the floor. And not only do you paw it on the floor, you don't just wipe it off the table like a human would. You test it like a cat would, and it's like one piece of laundry at a time, and it goes plunk, plunk. She's enjoying this a lot. The look on her face right now is one of pure pleasure as I describe this hobby. And then you say that it is hilarious, but you are the only one in the room. Exactly. I've been abandoned so i have to and then brian comes back and he goes ah that's funny my wife once again transformed into a cat

and undid all of my hard work this is not strange or terrifying at all this is brian when did you discover that kelly was doing cat cosplay with the laundry at home? Judge, this has been going on for at least 20 years of our 20-year relationship. 20 out of 20. Yes, sir. We met in college, and so it's pretty much been happening, no, I don't know, pretty close. I would say 10 years. I used to do the laundry.

You used to do the laundry? And then he took over. No, that's... Well, go ahead. Now I want to do it. Love it. Just want to get in there. Yeah. Let the record reflect that Judge John Hodgman

or Kitty John Hodgman, Judge John Kitty. Judge John Hodgecat. Oh, nice. Batted the laundry into the crowd, then in the crowd, a chant of throw it back, throw it back emerged. And it reappeared on stage. I don't know why you threw the socks back onto the stage. First, it was a child who did it.

It was a young person who got the socks. And rather than clutching the socks to his to his young body hooray free socks for me so clean so fresh washed by Brian himself you're like you know get these socks away from they came right back on stage neatly folded I would say you know the child did not fold I'm gonna make you fold all this garbage right back judge I would like to make you fold all this garbage. Right back up, Brian. Judge, I would like to demonstrate the time I put into folding the clothes and how important it is to be nice and neat with your folding clothes. Whoa, you're talking about doing some

folding on a purely audio art form. Yes, I will describe it in perfect perfectness. You will describe it as you are doing it? Just as you just described how you would describe it. With perfect perfectness. Yeah. Perfect perfectness. All right, Brian.

I would like to see you pick up these clothes and fold them and describe them with perfect perfectness. But I don't think you can do it with these waters on the... Oh! Would you like to do one? Let's do it with these waters on the... Oh! Would you like to do one? Oh, let's do it together. It's really fun. It's really fun. We knocked the water off my cats.

And now we're married. All right, Brian. Fold the laundry, dude. Brian's grabbing some laundry from the middle of the stage here. Placing it on a stool. He's moving quite deliberately, I'll be frank.

So I will just demonstrate a t-shirt. Because t-shirts are very important. Let me pull out my NPR WJCT t-shirt. We know what t-shirts are and why they matter. That's not our concern. What is the t-shirt that you're buzz marketing right now? Well, this is my very first t-shirt I got on my very first pledge drive for an NPR station in Jacksonville, Florida, where we lived before we came to WJCT Jacksonville. Does that station carry NPR's number one program,

Bullseye with Jesse Thorne? Yes. Wonderful. God bless it. I'm sorry that I gave you heck for living in Tallahassee. I hadn't realized you had previously lived in Jacksonville. Jacksonville I have been to. I know what that is.

Although the Ibex Ethiopian restaurant in Jacksonville is wonderful. Just a little travel tip for you. All right. So is this how you would normally fold your laundry on your lap like that? Yeah. Well, it depends. If I'm sitting on a couch and I'm not close to a table, then I could fold it this way. Sometimes I'm at a table, a coffee table.

Right. Okay. But this is how you're going to do it now. This is how I'm going to do it. All right. So tell us about the incredible way you fold a t-shirt. So this is how you fold a t-shirt. I've been, I was trained for three and a half months on how to do this. You take one... I'll hold my question. You take one sleeve and you fold the sleeve in and then you take the other sleeve and you fold the sleeve in. Then you go from the bottom of the shirt and you take the bottom of the sleeve and you fold the sleeve in, and then you take the other sleeve and you fold the sleeve in. Yeah.

Then you go from the bottom of the shirt. And you take the bottom of the shirt and you fold it up to the top of the shirt. All right. Right? Mm-hmm. And then you take the bottom of the shirt that's currently folded. Right. And you fold that back up to the top of the shirt.

Okay. Then you put that on your one leg. Oh, wow. This is a real lap-only method. And then you fold one end over. method. And then you fold one end over. And then you fold the other end over. And then you have a very nicely 6x6

folded t-shirt. Holy moly. Beautiful. Yeah, dude. I'll give you a Netflix series. Alright. I'll take it. Totally. I'm going to knock that thing off. Right. I'll take it. Totally. I'm going to knock that thing off.

Look, I could play around with you all day. You're obviously both adorable. But Kelly, you must acknowledge that this is disruptive. Absolutely. I didn't realize. Of course, you would not acknowledge it. It's disruptive on purpose. Why are you doing this to your husband? because I don't want him wandering off and he can be very very serious

and it just brings a little joke into the house you really are a cat at heart aren't you? because I don't want him wandering off he's warm and he feeds me it's infuriating that he goes away also why is that door closed I'm gonna bat at it for a while

Kelly are there other contexts in which you display cat like or cat-style behavior? No. I don't want to say. Do I have to say? No. You know, it's a little hello-mer.

Throughout the day, it's just like, we don't have children. We have time together. I think at the end of the day, that's the moral of this story. What I have noticed about people who don't have children is that they get pets. They don't become a pet. Oh,

I've been doing it wrong. It's actually not the case that you have to trick people into giving you cats. How does it make you feel when you, obviously you take care. What does doing the laundry mean to you, Brian? You say you trained for three and a half months. I was in the Marine Corps for four years.

That's how I learned to fold laundry. Oh, wow. Okay. Before that, I was a slob. Before that, you were a slob. Yes. And so when you fold laundry, you are turning chaos into order. Yes.

So I got a perfect example of this, Judge. All right. When I was a child, I played with Lincoln Logs. Some of you may remember what Lincoln Logs are. Sure. The worst toy. Yes. I had the best log cabin theme toy.

That could be. So I had a box of Lincoln logs, and I would dump them out, and it gave me great pleasure to sort the Lincoln logs into the piles of like-sized logs. It's amazing that you found each other. This is wonderful. It is quite, yes. each other. This is wonderful. It is quite, yes. You both

have very specific brains. So I've always tried to find that type of order and when I met Kelly and I would disagree that she's only been doing this for 10 years because I think I could say I've pretty much been doing the laundry since we met.

It's been my role to fold the laundry because often the laundry would be in the laundry basket and then it would be back in the laundry basket. And you would find Kelly lying in there? Let the record show that Kelly's thinking about it now. That's not what I meant. Yeah. And so it gives

me great pleasure and really is relaxing for me to fold the laundry. So now he gets to do more of it. It's perfect. More folding? It's perfect. It's a win-win. So how do you, but so Kelly is arguing that her knocking the laundry over gives you more work to do.

So you should feel happy. Is that how you feel? There are times when I'm very angry when she knocks over all the laundry that I just folded. Uh-huh. I can tell by your high voice. That's some Marine Corps training right there. Yes, absolutely.

Yeah, were you in the passive-aggressive corps? Your commanding officer was like, don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes. Yeah, no, we'll go to Tipperary. It's not long at all. That was a little Marine Corps humor. Ryan got it. Collect nice. Ryan got it. Collecting on that death insurance.

It makes you feel angry. Have you expressed to her that you don't want her to do this? I have asked her, yes. I've asked her in mid-paw swipe to say, stop. Don't do that. And she still does. Yeah. Then I get the eye contact, and it's just like. Right. Right Then I get that eye contact and it's just like

Right. Right. You want that eye contact. Because you don't like it when Brian isn't paying attention to you. Right. Does Brian not pay enough attention to Kitty Cat? Brian is a very busy hard working man and I'm often waiting for him for long

periods of time to come home. So when he is home, he travels a lot. He has a very important job. What is your job now? I am the vice president of the United States of America. No. God, no. I work for the State Teachers Union in Florida.

Oh, okay. And I'm the director of the organizers that work out in all the different... You're hemming and hawing around this and your background in the military makes me feel this is a cover story. No, it's not. I travel to Eastern Europe a lot.

I'm a trench coat model. So the State Teachers Union, you work for the State Teachers Union. Yeah, I direct all the organizers and people that negotiate contracts and things like that out in the field. This crowd is a huge fan of Florida State Unions. Kelly, what do you do all day when Brian is gone? Aside from... Under the bed. Sit in the windowsill.

Under the bed. Make sure my hair looks nice. Sit in a shaft of light on the carpet. Stare into space. Paw at bugs. I am a second grade teacher. Oh, fantastic. So that makes this even worse Do you ever do your cat act

In the classroom No Or is that just for home That's just for home It says here That sometimes Brian zones out What does that mean That means he's ruminating about things that are going on,

and he's thinking about problems that he has to solve, and I'll just find him in a corner on his phone looking at it. Right. And he's not entitled to a private life. No, he is not. Right. Well, we set aside a lot of time for him to get work done on the weekends. I'll say, do you need time to work this weekend?

Yes, of course. And so I'll say, an hour? Will that? Two hours? That will probably be all right. And then it's like, can I have 15 more minutes? But then on top of that, we're also disappearing into the ether of the house. And it's not a big house.

You pretend to be a cat and knock laundry off. That's what we're talking about here. Sorry. You're trying desperately to make this into brian uh being distracted in life and that you are and you have that you have contrived this routine in order to bring him back into the happy present rather than being lost in his own thoughts is that correct that's correct and you've done this you you say for 10 years brian says for longer since you have been cat knocking the laundry off the table,

has this helped at all? Well, it's much better. Brian, where are you? Why don't you come in here? Where did you go? It's like the non-Nagy approach. So it's just like some sounds and the consequence of laundry on the floor. Instead of meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh.

Those are the options? Those are the only two. It's the classic binary. See, I'm trying to determine whether what you are saying is true and that you're trying to bring Brian back into your life a little bit or whether you're just another lying cat. Oh. Because you're doing this for your own amusement.

And the effect of Brian's frustration, which is enjoyable to you. Brian is very serious. And when I first met him, he did not know how to make a joke, laugh at a joke, have any type of humor in his life whatsoever. So I took it upon myself to allow him to enjoy that part of life. And he's a much funnier person now. You do have a big smile on your face. I do. Obviously the two of you are very much in love.

Yes. You must have known being a person who was conditioned to love, or who loved order from an early age, and then sought out a regimented life in the armed forces, and now take the greatest pleasure in making clothing flat. But you must have known that this is who Kelly was when you got to know her. Would it be fair to say it might be why you were attracted to her? That she is an agent of chaos? Oh, I don't know. I did know that she definitely, in your words, an agent of chaos, I would agree. But I would also say that she also, like she testified that she did teach me how to laugh and be not so serious. So that was, yes, one of the things that made me want to be a part of her life.

Great. Mission accomplished. So now you can stop with the cat act, Kelly, right? Doesn't that seem like a good outcome or no, Kelly? Yes, that sounds like a good outcome. So you would be perfectly fine if I ruled in Brian's favor and said you may never do this again? No.

Let the record show that Kelly took some time to groom herself? I'm not sure she may have licked her hand at one point. Brian, that is what you would want me to rule, right? But how would you have me rule? I've thought a lot about this, Judge.

So at the minimum, I would want her to not do it if I told her not to do it. Like, the bottom line is... You said that with perfect perfectness. You want, like, at minimum, absolute power. But if there's something more than that, you'd entertain it.

I hadn't thought about it like that. Let me ask you. There are times when she does this and it does make me laugh because it is funny. Yeah. So. He said grudgingly. But then there are times when she does it and you

have asked her not to do it and she does it anyway. Yes. And how does that make you feel? That upsets me. Yes. Fair enough. Oh make you feel? That upsets me. Yes. Fair enough. Oh, all right. Yeah.

Okay. So you would have me rule then that she respect you as a human being? Yes. But she does that for the majority of the time. Does this cat routine manifest in any other ways? Remember, there are children here. Well, there's a similar behavior

that I think is relevant to the case. And that would be when Kelly was a child, she has a younger brother and her younger brother also, I think, craves order and he would set up his action figures and her and her younger brother also, I think, craves order. And he would set up his action figures and her and her sister would purposely move them around and turn them backwards and put

them on other sides. And that would make him very angry. And she would be very happy about that. And he would chase us around the house. He would just one, because he had a massive little collection of action figures, Collection of action figures. And just to move one and then, I mean, we were very small and then he would chase us around the house. Well, you had destroyed

his setup. Yes. I know about setups. I have three children. I enjoyed how you rubbed your paws together as you were relishing the memory

of torturing your little brother. Is this just reenacting the same pleasure that you enjoyed as an agent of chaos as a child? Is it not true, kitty cat, that you would do this whether or not Brian zoned out? That you see that pile of laundry

and you just want to knock it over? Having the laundry on the arm of the chair, he could put it on the... see that pile of laundry and you just want to knock it over. Having the laundry on the arm of the chair, he could put it in the middle of the table instead of on the edge of the table. Can we, Kelly, take a look at this? Because I know that you submitted some evidence.

Was this your evidence, Brian? I think it's kind of joint exhibits. Okay, let's take a look here. So here's... Here's Brian, and all these photos I think it's kind of joint exhibits. Okay, let's take a look here. So here's... He's in his lap! Here's Brian. And all these photos are available at the Judge Sean Hodgman page at maxifun.org,

Instagram.com slash JudgeSeanHodgman. Here's Brian folding some shirts, and there's Kelly in the background. No, that's your cat. That's Ladybug. Ladybug? Yeah, everyone likes that cat. Here's some laundry on the side of the table.

This is a tempting situation for you, right? And even Ladybug is like, I want to knock that laundry off that table. Ladybug's got a cute, torty coat, and she's perched on a side table that looks a lot like a packing box. She really liked that box, so we haven't thrown it away yet. Oh, okay. I can tell who's in charge in this house.

Next slide, please. Here's some more precariously placed, nicely folded laundry. I mean, now I'm beginning to understand a little bit. Like, you're asking for trouble in this situation, aren't you? Yeah, is this like laundry edging? It's literally laundry edging.

Yeah. Next slide, please. Ugh. All over. I mean, these are shots taken, I presume, on the same day of different piles of laundry. You can hear the edges of anything. This is a cat paw honey trap that you're laying.

Next slide, please. Now there's just some laundry on the floor. That's after it's been batted over. And I can see how those hardwood floors, particularly those heavy, thick terrycloth towels, would make a very satisfying thump as they hit the floor. Like, Kelly's feeling some ASMR right now. Next slide, please.

Oh, some more laundry on the floor. Bad kitty, bad. Next slide, please. All right, that's all the evidence. John, I am like 95% certain this episode is going to spawn at least one new subreddit. Oh, no. You know, look, Judge Sean Hodgman

is a family-friendly podcast, but it is to say it is not child-averse. We talk about adult stuff that we believe children can handle and listen all these children in the front row I think understand it is hard to ignore the erotic aspect of this game this is a highly charged personal game of cat and mouse that is going on. Where Brian is leaving. Obviously knows the placement of laundry that is going to trigger this behavior. And you're leaving it there on purpose, aren't you, sir?

I have a, yes, I do leave it there longer than it should be. Why aren't you, sir? I have a... Yes, I do leave it there longer than it should be. Why don't you put... Kelly, sincerely, you're under FACO. Yes, sir. Judge. If the laundry were in the middle of the table, I mean, that's not as fun. Would you leave it alone? Yes. All right.

I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to go into my enclosed kitty litter box in the laundry room. I'll be back in a moment. Great. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Brian, how are you feeling about your chances in the case? I think I have a pretty good shot.

I think that the behavior is... Adorable. Yeah, okay, it's adorable. But yeah, I'm feeling pretty good about my chances, Jesse. Kelly, okay, it's adorable. But yeah, I'm feeling pretty good about my chances, Jesse. Kelly, how are you feeling? It's been a whirlwind. I'm not sure what's happening.

I'm just going to wait and see. Well, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all of this. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and delivers his verdict When this case was presented to me First of all, I did not know they were Floridians I'm sorry When I come to a town like Atlanta, I'm not here to present you with strangers. I want to see locals.

I'll come to Tallahassee one of these days. That'd be great. I want to hang out at your house. I also had a very strong feeling. At last. A case in which there is a heterosexual married couple and the dude is right.

Finally. Finally. Because how could one justify this behavior? This open flouting of folding as an only child consumed with respect for the rules and order

who has never had anyone come into his room and mess up his setup. I feel very powerfully for Brian. And also, you know, you need to make a video of yourself folding that shirt and some other stuff. So we can put that on the website so people can see your technique. Because I think it's good and I think it's your new career.

All right. Thank you. And then at the end of the video, I want you to walk out of the room. And then have Kelly come in on her little cat feet and knock that off, because I think that YouTube channel is going to be huge. I mean, we all appreciate the work you do for the Teachers Union in Florida.

We all appreciate the work you do teaching in second grade. Once this YouTube channel becomes a huge phenomenon and it will, you will be fired from both of your jobs. But it will be worth it. It will be worth it. You're going to become streaming millionaires.

Because what I have seen on this stage is, that laundry really needs to be on the floor. And Brian, you are adorable in your folding. And Kelly, you are adorable in your pawing. And you're knocking off. And I have to say that

unconsciously, Brian, I think that you are knocking off. And I have to say that unconsciously, Brian, I think that you are encouraging this because of all the evidence I saw of you leaving that laundry around in places where a cat wants to knock it off. You could fold that laundry on the floor. Then what's she going to do? I hadn't thought about that. You hadn't thought about that?

I've seen your house. You've got a lot of floor. You can fold it on a table and just put it on a floor. And then lock eyes with her and go, what are you going to do now, kitty cat? And then what happens after that is up to you guys. No way on earth am I going to order this behavior to stop. However,

Brian is not asking for the behavior to stop. Brian is asking to be recognized not as a source of food and shelter and kibble, but as a whole human being who, when he speaks English to his human wife, please don't knock this laundry off

that that wish would be respected. And I, first of all, order that you respect Brian's human wishes if he expresses them. Yes, Jeff. There may be a time when he just turns around and he does not see it coming. Whoa, what a mischievous cat you get up to then. And as well, Brian,

you should undertake any techniques you wish to make sure that the laundry is un-knock-offable by putting it on the floor or putting it away or leaving it in the middle of a table because that's where a cat can't get at it. Cat doesn't have enough imagination to do that. But if you leave that laundry on the edge of a couch or whatever and you don't specifically say, please, Kelly, do not knock this off, then it is fair game and i want to see

it on video this is the sound of a gavel judge john hodgman rules that is all brian and kelly thank you hello i'm your judge john hodgman the judge Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join.

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Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made-in, made-in.

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Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will.

Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ugh, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. We have a special guest on tonight's program, a special surprise guest. Don't we ever.

Would you please announce this special guest? Well, when we decided to come to Atlanta, which the locals, I understand, call Atlanta, there was only one person I thought of who I wanted to come on this program. She is a native of Atlanta. She is a resident of Atlanta. She stars as my favorite character on my favorite television program. Please welcome to the stage, Archers Amber Nash.

Amber Nash. Welcome to the Mr. Justice John Skowronski podcast. Mr. Justice John Skowronski! Hello. Hi, guys. I'm super excited to be here. Thanks for having me. We are thrilled to have you here.

Pam, Amber, of course, stars as Pam. You can call me Pamber. Oh, thank you. Pamber Bamblin. Yeah, and she's been kind enough to come on Jordan, Jesse, Go, my other comedy podcast, and was a wonderful delight and is a wonderful delight on television and in Atlantan. It's true.

You're originally from Atlanta? Yeah, I grew up actually in Gwinnett. Jimmy Carter Boulevard represent. It's just north of the city. Sounds like a dope boulevard. Yeah, it really is. Or like a kind boulevard. Yeah, yeah.

It's the kind of boulevard that builds houses and lives forever. That's right, that's right. And I brought a gift. Oh, very kind. For your honor. Oh, very kind. For your honor. Oh, really? I heard that you were a big fan of sad, defunct hockey teams.

Oh, that's true. Of which Atlanta has two. Very proud. I don't mean to correct you, but there's no reason to say sad, defunct hockey teams. It's redundant. All hockey teams are a little sad, and the defunct hockey teams. It's redundant. All hockey teams are a little sad, and the defunct ones extra so. Very true. Oh, wow.

Thank you so much. So when I learned this, I thought to myself, oh, man, you've definitely got some thrashers stuff. No, I don't have a single thrash. Well, there was a cry from the audience of sheer disgust. I'm going to guess a guy went, what? And that was the end of my vocal career. Is it possible that Lil Jon is here? He comes to every show at the Variety.

Sure. He really supports the local scene. I would like to present you with this. What? What? An Atlanta Thrasher's gnome. Now, I have to tell you a funny story. So he was living in my backyard, as gnomes are wont to do.

Sure. Until you catch and kill them. Yeah. And then petrify them. Right. So I took him inside because he was dirty to give him a bath. Yeah. So I put him in the kitchen sink to start bathing him.

And his eye fell out. Right. Which makes him sadder and more defunct. May I take a look at this? Yeah. But if you shake him, you can hear that his eye is inside his body somewhere. This is an incredibly disturbing entry in the Conjuring horror movie universe.

It's in there. I tried so long to get it out. His little eye is inside his little terracotta body. I feel like trying to get the eye out of that gnome is the world's saddest executive toy. Maybe we should get Kelly out of here and she'll play with it like it's a cat toy. Yeah.

I definitely want to put it on the ground so she doesn't come over and knock it off something. Is the gnome a mascot of the Thrashers? No. I believe that for a while, and correct me if I'm wrong, the NHL was making gnomes for all the teams? Sure. They'll try anything. Right?

And so I'm a gnome collector. Oh, you are? So a friend gave that to me. We know you're a gnome collector. A gnome gnome collector. Dang it. A gnome gnome collector. Oh, you are? So a friend gave that to me. Well, that's very nice. We know you're a known gnome. A known gnome. Dang it. A known gnome-ian. How many gnomes you got? Well, my husband hates them, so he started

discarding them. So I think now I'm down to like six. Whoa. Yeah. You're all-time high. What would you have? What would you say? Well, when I was single, I had a lot. It's lucky that I even found a husband. I had like probably over 50. Over 50? Yeah. Did they just take

up the entire other half of your bed? Yeah. It was all gnomes. And gnomes of this size? Oh, all different sizes. Wow. So now you have six left. Yeah. It's sad. It is sad. And obviously you want to get rid of this scary old one. Yeah, without an eye. Well, I'm so touched want to get rid of this scary old one. Yeah without an eye

Well, I'm so touched that you would think of me and bring it to the podcast. So thank you very much Amber Nash Amber Nash is here Amber is going to help advise us on our cases as they develop the next segment of the program Yes, this is the this is the segment that we call Swift Justice. We have settled some law here on this stage, but there is still injustice in Atlanta, because that was Florida law.

So, we don't have a lot of time, so we're going to hear three cases in quick succession in a segment we call Swift Justice. Jesse Thorne, set a timer for 15 minutes. And Mark? Five minutes per case. Let's bring out the first litigants who I hope are from Atlanta. Please welcome to the stage Michael and Tara. Michael and Tara.

Michael is already wearing an Ohio State hat, so maybe this has gone foul again. Are you from Georgia or do you live in Georgia currently? We live in Georgia, yes. Yes. Oh, you live in Georgia currently. Where are you from? Originally Ohio, Tennessee, Georgia, all over the place.

Oh, you're all over the place. And Tara, you are from where originally? I was born in Kentucky, but I've lived most of my life in Tennessee. In Tennessee, and now you live here in Atlanta? Right outside. Right outside. Okay, great. So who comes to this court to seek justice? I do. What is your petition?

What is your complaint? What is the problem? Well, the problem is that for a very long time, ever since we've known each other almost, whenever someone has asked me what my favorite color is, I tell them that it's clear. God. Clear. Yes. favorite color is I tell them that it's clear clear yes clear like your eyeglasses clear right clear like crystal Pepsi clear sure yeah clear like the service John Hodgman uses to get through security before I do that's

right I'm a horrible monster I'm'm a clear member of a horrible monster. It's true. Yep, clear like that. And Tara does not approve of this. Well, explain in your own words before I start yelling at you. Obviously, clear is not a color, not by definition, not in science.

Not in science. To be a color, you have definition, not in science. Not in science. To be a color, you have to reflect or emit light, and clear lets it pass through. Yeah, right. I mean, it's the definition of clear. Tara, are you a scientist by training your profession, or did you just have to find some way to explain

to him? And you you did research into optics i i did use the internet you used the internet yes um yes initially you were just yelling this is in defiance of god's will that's that's very accurate yes before we get to the end for you, can you tell us why your favorite color is clear? Let's just say hypothetically that that's your color. What do you love about clear so much? I think clear, like I, in my personality and everything, I try to be transparent and... Oh boy., boy. Oh, boy.

And, um... Michael, you hear the boos. They're coming through perfectly clear. I know a little something of the mob, having done a number of these shows. I think I understand the psychology here, which is you're not telling the truth.

You are coming up with a fancy reason to explain why you like Clear. That's true. Yeah, I knew it. Because you want to sound as smart as Tara sounded when she talked about optics. But this is not about a fancy explanation. This is about a gut level explanation. If you are not a double liar, who is saying clear is your favorite color, just to be quote unquote, interesting. If If this is true and not an affectation, there's got to be some gut level thing. Amber, does this bring anything up for you?

Yeah, we'll talk to Amber for a while while you think, look deep into yourself and try to come up with a real answer. You know, the only thing I can imagine is that he likes to see through things to the underlying colors of them. He's nodding his head like I really made up something great.

So is it maybe that you like all colors? That could be. What do you think about Amber's interpretation? That's a better made-up reason than mine. Well, we have to make them up because it's hard. It's difficult. Well, what things that make them up because it's hard. It's difficult. What things that are clear bring you pleasure?

A glass of water and a clear glass? A window overlooking a beautiful scene? All things that are clear are great. A skylight above your bed? Yeah, I think that clear as a color is a great conversation. That's what I like. Oh, you are trying to be interesting. You're trying to stir the pot of crystal clear stew.

A little bit. A little bit he's showing. A little bit. Oh, Michael. Any further questions, Amber? No. I have one further question. Thank you, Jesse.

It's clear... Forgive me. It's obvious that you feel that this generates interesting conversations Yes I am going to turn to Tara and ask, does this generate interesting conversations?

Well when he was 16 and started this, I guess it was an interesting conversation, but it's been 20 years. Yeah. Are you also still trying to decide who the best member of Hoobastank is? Tara, did you know Michael when he was 16?

Yes. Wow. So you've been dealing with this for a long time. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, here's what I have to say about it. Michael, while you were thinking through your true thoughts, I was thinking through whether or not this could be a legitimate preference and what I would say if I were you and I remembered I flashed back yeah I'm a time traveler

to a moment I think at Alex May's house when I was in probably third grade. And there were a lot of Legos around. And Legos come in many colors. But I remember wanting to make something only out of the clear Legos. That had a deep atavistic attraction to me. I loved

the spaceman Legos. I loved the spaceship Legos. But what I loved most were the clear cockpit canopies that you would put on there very pleasing to me I'm not saying it's my favorite color but I think it's a legitimate thing to say my favorite color is clear but not for you because while I was doing the hard work thinking, you were acknowledging,

maybe for the first time in your life, that this is just a mid-90s conversation starter for you. And therefore, the next conversation starter can be, is clear a color? But you can no longer say my favorite color is clear. I apologize. Come up with a better color. Michael and Tara.

Please welcome Austin and Natalie. Austin and Natalie. Who comes to seek justice before me? Which of you has the complaint? I do. You do, and you must be Austin. Yes, sir. And what is the nature of your complaint?

So we have a container of trail mix in the kitchen, and about every two months or so, Natalie will go in and just eat the chocolates only out of it. And I would like her to stop. Let the record show that Natalie is smiling a Cheshire Cat grin of absolute guilt. I take it you do not deny this?

I do not, and I accept that it is not necessarily a great thing to do, but I think I should be able to anyway. Let the record reflect that celebrity guest Amber Nash is suitably impressed with that justification. I am. Speak to that, Amber. Well, I'm assuming, do you pick up the trail mix at the store?

Actually, he does all of the grocery shopping, but I did just have a baby. That's great. Thank you. What style of baby is it? The female style. Okay. Oh. Well's great. Thank you. What style of baby is it? The female style. Okay. Oh. Well, congratulations.

Thank you. When did you have this baby? Three months ago. And what is the baby's name? Zora Ann. Zora Ann. Yes. And so, yeah, you deserve some chocolate, right?

I agree. And the reason, would you like to hear the terrible reason that this is even in our home? The trail mix, you mean? Oh, yeah. He's trying to gain weight. What? Austin, how dare you? Why are you trying to gain weight?

Is everything okay? Yeah, I mean, I started going to the gym with my friend, and I started losing weight, and I don't have much weight to lose, so I thought to go the other way. Don't you feel terrible for him? What a sad predicament for him to be in. Get off my stage. So you're picking up this

trail mix. You need those calories. It's not just nuts and dried fruits for you. You need that chocolate. You need it all. You brought some evidence, right? Let's take a look at it. Slide number one, please, Steve. Oh, boy.

Okay, this is a floating orb of trail mix. I didn't know that you could get it this way. That's really amazing. How do you do that? He keeps it in very tempting clear containers. Clear. Oh, I love clear my favorite color oh look at that it truly looks like if you could make a rubber

band ball out of trail this and may I ask a question Natalie I'm assuming that when you sit down and start picking the chocolate out, that because you know that your husband hates it, it makes the chocolate taste all the more hilariously delicious. Actually, it's kind of the opposite because I have a very disturbing guilt complex. And so whenever I realized this bothers him, it made it less enjoyable for me. And then I felt really guilty about it, And I started buying replacement M&Ms. And whenever he brought this case to you, I have abstained from all M&M eating until you make a ruling so that I'm doing the right thing.

Wow. Wow. You have a better marriage than I do. Yeah, I mean, she doesn't have a thousand gnomes in her house. Because Amber, you would say that the stolen chocolate is the sweetest chocolate. Absolutely. The chocolate that makes another person angry is the one that gives you the... That's right. Yeah. I don't want you to bone. That's right. Yeah. I don't want you to feel guilty, Natalie.

I agree. What's the next slide? Oh, this is... Another bone. This is the trail mix after the chocolate is removed. I do see one M&M down in the bottom left, and it appears to have disguised itself as a raisin. It does.

And let the record show that Natalie is walking over to the screen trying to grab that M&M off the photograph. A single tear rolling down her cheek. That's not true. God, why did you make me this way? Austin, why don't you just buy some chocolate for your lovely wife? She told me not to. Why?

Because I just had a baby, and I'm trying to be healthier, but on occasion after a long day of teaching 10th and 11th graders, I want, thank you, in Atlanta area, I want chocolate. And I like that they're a little bit salty. Yeah. I think that this is not a dispute between the two of you. You need to come to some peace with the fact that chocolate is good. And that's a lot for me to say because with the fact that chocolate is good.

That's a lot for me to say because I have no interest in sweets whatsoever. I do not have a sweet tooth. I have an alcohol molar. This is no. But, you know, all things in moderation. You deserve to have candy. I agree. That's why I eat his M&M's.

And you don't need to go through this shame spiral of stealing it out of the trail mix, you know, and then feeling, you know, bad about yourself. Especially since trail mix M&M's

are dirty. They're dirty with nut powder. I like the salty sweet. You like the salty sweet? I like it. It's like it's an added dynamic. Look, I'm not doing an ad for M&M's, but they have like a thousand different versions of it. There's got to be a salted caramel M&M at this point, right?

No? Yes? No? Anybody? Oh, you know what's good? The pretzel M&M's. They are. That's a good combo, right?

I don't want to disparage M&M's, but I think that the pretzel ones feel dusty in my mouth. Yeah. Oh, all right. Look, everyone likes what they like. Amber, what do you think is the solution? I think that you should keep two different containers of trail mix, and when one gets completely empty, but it still like greasy and salty then you dump a

bag of m m's in there shake it around and then you can go to town on those when you get home from a long day with your kids i think that's fantastic that is a beautiful idea pre-trail mix m m's that are just for you like truly mix them up and austin congratulations have fun with your baby thank you Austin, congratulations. Have fun with your baby. Thank you. Austin and Natalie, please welcome Garrison and Tyler. Garrison and Tyler, I saw the two of you lurking in the wings.

I'm like, I know those two. I met you at that meetup at the bar in Atlanta a few weeks ago. Yes. And you were about to get married. Yeah. And did it happen? We did it. Well done.

What is the nature of your dispute, and who brings this complaint? I bring the complaint. And you are? I'm Garrison. Garrison. We have both very androgynous names. And I get easily confused. Yeah, yeah.

I have a terrible memory. We're more married straight people. Sorry. It happens sometimes. So the problem is that he does this thing that I think brings him joy. Oh, no.

Tyler. But makes me. Oh, I'm just reviewing the case. I had forgotten. Oh, Garrison. It makes. Please go ahead. I apologize for interrupting. Garrison, earlier the judge congratulated you on your marriage, but he wishes to rescind his congratulations

and instead offer condolences. Yeah, I believe when we had the Judge John Hodgman meetup at my parents' basement, I blessed your marriage in a non-denominational, completely agnostic way. Yeah, kind of a pagan, satanic way. That's right. Yeah. And now I may rescind my blessing. We'll see what happens. Yeah, kind of a pagan satanic way. That's right. Yeah. And now I may

rescind my blessing. We'll see what happens. Yeah. So he does this thing. I think he likes it, makes him happy, makes me feel ill and sick inside, where he adds like an SH sound on words that don't have that. So like smallish? Or I have a bigish appetite? No, so I'm going to have him demonstrate. So we were talking about Jimmy Carter and how he fell recently and hurt himself. And what happened to him?

Jimmy fell on his pelvis and he had to go to the schnoshpital. Yeah. The schnoshpital? I told you not to do Jimmy to this crowd. We love Jimmy. This is a perfect example of respecting the dignity of the office.

We can see the Carter Center from where we live. Let me just... You mean the schnatter-schnatter? Yeah. The record show that Garrison is cringing when I said, There is a kind of misophonia trigger to this.

And I don't know. Amber, what do you think? Is it only at the beginning of words? And is there an N also thrown in? Like schnozberries? Yeah. Okay. There is an N.

It is sometimes in the middle. And there's another sound that I think it came from. Can you do it? Well, it's the classic chicken or the egg argument, so I'm not sure which one came first. No, let's hear about the schnicken and the schnig. Sometimes at work, I have a really boring job. Most jobs are boring, but I have a really boring job. Most jobs are boring, but I have a really boring job.

That's not true, Tyler. Most jobs are not boring. If you have a boring job you don't like, you should get out of it. Maybe you'll stop doing this thing with your mouth. I'll never stop. Unless you rule, so I'll stop. Don't blame your job for what is obviously something that gives you pleasure. I like to walk by rooms full of people working and

I walk by and I go just really quickly and run down the hall so they can't catch me. Like you suck them into an airplane toilet? Yeah, just a little slurp. That's fun. That's actually her

least favorite, which I'm surprised she didn't bring up is that she doesn't like, you don't like when I call kisses, I say, can I get a little slurp. That's fun. That's actually her least favorite, which I'm surprised she didn't bring up, is that she doesn't like, you don't like when I call kisses, I say, can I get a little slurp? I married him. But we are bound. Have you been doing this for a long time? A while. Yes.

Maybe forever. It feels to me like you've been doing it for a shmillennium. I mean, have you tried to stop doing this? Is it a compulsion? I think it started as a joke and it slowly became a compulsion. And I think it definitely is now. When we're in the car and I see something, it just comes out. What's astonishing to me is that you were able to hide this from Garrison

until you were married. Oh, she knew before. Oh, she knew before. She went into the slurp. He trapped me by watching shark movies with me and then he started doing it once we were in love. Right, because you didn't know because he was like,

let's just watch a shark movie. Yeah. Snark. A snark movie. Sn then a snark movie snark snark movie by the way uh please do not say shark movies ever again there is a shark movie and that's it well we like that one a lot yeah thank you jesse deepest bluest etc that's right so it's gross it's gross what you're doing garrison is this just a thing where you feel that tyler is being a real dorkus and you wish he would stop or it actually gives you sort of auditory pain to hear these things like a little

bit of both like i don't think it's like misophonia level. It's not like when my dad is chewing gum in the car. But... I think we all know what that's like. Yeah. But it's still like... Like I can't help but like curl into myself and like hide from it.

Yeah. That's when the schlorping starts. Yeah. It's like what a wet willy would sound like. Yeah. I's when the schlurping starts. It's like what a wet willy would sound like. I don't even like that word wet willy. Sweat schwilly.

Stop. Oh God. Sweat schwilly. We are about half a step from someone saying schmoist. I did it on purpose friends. saying schmoist. Oh! Oh! I did it on purpose, friends. Some things sound terrible.

And I think you're aware of that, Tyler. And I think that if you want to continue to get schlerps, you should stop saying that word. You should stop repulsing the most important person in your life. Now, I don't think that all of these things are equally terrible.

I'm going to say that there is a continuum of schnoffleness here. The schnoffspital, despite the fact that you are making a joke out of an injury of a great person, that to me is the least offensive. To me. To me.

Schlurp and shh are tied for most offensive. One, because they're both repulsive. one because they're both repulsive one of them is repulsive to a captive audience of your co-workers who don't deserve this and did not choose to share their lives with you and therefore

it is basically an act of terrorism and two the other one actively causes revulsion in the person who should mean the most to you and has chosen to spend her life with you so

I think you should keep schnozpital to a minimum right I'm not going to completely gag order you on your hilarious affectation it's a verbal tick it's a verbal tick at this point you don't think he can control it

I mean he's obviously adorable and he's got a great taste in chunky sweaters I bought him that oh nice well then you have great taste in people who have great taste but I'm going to order schlurp and out of the picture because

it's not cool to do that to your co-workers and it's not cool to do that to your wife. Garrison and Tyler, my blessing is retained. Thank you for being here. Amber, Archer'sers is it

11th season was just announced yeah we're making it as we speak can I tell you something that occurred to me

as I read that on a piece of paper earlier tonight sure I have never seen a Bergman film I have seen every episode

of Archer yes and I'm good with that I'm happy with that yes that's how we like it. Amber, it's been a joy to have you on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you so much for your wisdom.

Thank you. Thank you so much, Amber. Amber Nash. Our thanks to all the litigants who shared their disputes with us in Atlanta, Georgia. Our thanks to all the litigants who shared their disputes with us in Atlanta, Georgia. Our thanks to John Combs for naming this week's episode Clothing Arguments. This episode was recorded by Jeff Bird, produced by Hannah Smith, edited by Jesus Ambrosio. You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

Hashtag your judge John Hodgman tweets hashtag JJHO. And And check out the Maximum Fund subreddit to discuss this episode. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman, where we post evidence from our cases as well as other fun stuff. And we will see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Yes, we will. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. Yes, we will.