Judge John Hodgman - Live From Brooklyn, NY 2016 Part 2

Episode Date: February 2, 2017

Caution: There are unbleeped swear words that happen during the musical portions of this episode. If you are listening with kids, keep that in mind. "Good Coif, Bad Coif" and "Silence of the Jams," taped in front of a live audience at the Bell House in Brooklyn, NY on September 19, 2016 during the Tour of Live Justice! Judge John Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorn also catch up with Dave King, a friend of the show and listener who lived in Antarctica. Plus, beloved Guest Bailiff Jean Grae joins the show as musical guest AND Expert Witness. And the return of PitchBlak Brass Band!

Welcome to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week's episode was recorded live in front of an audience at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York City. And a quick note for those of you with kids, we want to let you know before we get into it that this week's musical guest, Jean Grey, past bailiff Jean Grey, uses some strong language in her first song. Let's go to the stage at the Bell House in Brooklyn. Tonight's case, good coif, bad coif. Mariah brings the case against her husband, Eric. Eric cuts his own hair with a flow bead and occasionally asks for her help. Mariah not only wishes to be kept out

of his weird home haircutting project, but would also like for Eric to have his hair professionally shorn. Who's right, who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers the obscure cultural reference.

There ain't no difference between a flying saucer and a time machine. People get so hung up on specifics, they miss out on seeing the whole thing. Take South America, for example. In South America, thousands of people go missing every year. Nobody knows where they go. They just, like, disappear. But if you think about it for a minute, you realize something. There had to be a time when there was no people, right? There had to be a time when there was no people, right? Well, where did all these people come from, huh?

I'll tell you where. The future. And where did all these people in South America disappear to? The past? That's right. And how'd they get there? Flying saucers. Which are really?

Yeah, you get it, Bill, if Jesse Thorne, time machines. I think a lot about this kind of stuff. Bill, if Jesse Thorne, swear them in. Please raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that rather than using a hairdresser, he uses a skilled professional topiarist? I do. Yes. Very well. Judge Hodgman? All right, Mariah and Eric, you may be seated. First of all, welcome to the program. You are, I think, officially having not seen most of the litigants on the podcast

because we do it remotely via Skype and other technology. Probably the tallest people who've ever been on the podcast. Even now that you're sitting down, you are much taller than most of the people who sit down. You may be the tallest people ever to do a podcast. That's right. Can anyone look up if Georgie Mirassand ever did a podcast? My giant podcast.

I think the model Imam did a podcast once. But she, like I think both of you, are part alien, right? I don't know if you're familiar with most alien conspiracy theories, but there are the greys, right? There are the small grey aliens, and then there are the hybrids, and then there are the greys, right? There are the small grey aliens,

and then there are the hybrids, and then there are the Nordics, which are the tall, blonde aliens. And I'm kind of feeling like I'm having a visitation at this moment, but I'm going to get over it, because for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours' favors, can either of you identify the piece of culture

that I referenced as I entered the courtroom? Let's see. Mariah, you have been brought here. Well, no, wait a minute. It's Eric. You've been brought here against your will. You are the defendant in this case, so you have the opportunity to guess first or make Mariah guess first.

Which will it be? I'm going to guess first. I'm going to take a long shot at Repo Man. Okay, we'll put that guess in the guess book. Repo Man the movie, right? Indeed, yeah. And Mariah? Oh, no.

No matter what you said, I was going to guess Sweeney Todd, but that seems totally inappropriate. It's a DVD only. Sometimes like, I don't know. Because of its barbershop theme? Yeah. Yeah, you would think

that I would have thought of that. And I really wish maybe that I had because one guess is right. Repo Man is correct. I had because one guess is right. Repo Man is correct.

I already saw the podcast. I am from the future. This is one of the rare cases when someone guesses the cultural reference and I have to find a way to weasel out of granting the immediate summary judgment that I promised.

A weird tall alien came to Earth and gamed the system using telekinesis, obviously. It is from Repo Man. Can you name the character who... I was going to offer the out. I couldn't possibly name the character. I know which guy it is, but I don't know his name. You know which guy it is.

I should have made a note of the actor, which I don't know, because he's actually a great it is. And I should have made a note of the actor, which I don't know, because he's actually a great character actor. He's been in a million things. The character's name is Miller. And I chose this quote because I love Repo Man. And it came up on a list of movies in which people cut their own hair.

This is what Judge Hodgman has been doing in the back of our tour van typing movies where people cut their own hair into his phone yeah

and Miller cuts I had forgotten that Miller it was almost like a recovered memory from an alien abduction event I had not seen

that movie for so long but he cuts his own hair in the movie and does anyone remember the name of that character actor no it's not Harry Dean Stanton.

I'm pretty disappointed. You know, Dan McCoy and Stuart Wellington from the Flophouse podcast are here tonight. Hold for applause. My enemy podcast. This is exactly the sort of thing that they should know, and not knowing this is exactly the sort of thing that they should know, and not knowing this is exactly the sort of thing that makes them our enemy. So wait a minute. I actually need to get to the bottom of this,

because Harry Dean Stanton is in the movie. Does he play Miller? No. Thank you for your silence. It's the same guy who says, plate, shrimp, plate of shrimp. Guys, God, I wish that there was like a tiny device. Then good. shrimp. Played a shrimp. Guys, God, I wish that there was a tiny device that could...

Because Eric has already won the case, so now we just gotta fill in time. Siri, who played Miller in Repo Man? Tracy Walter. Tracy Walter. Repo Man stars Emilio Estevez, Harry Dean Stanton, and Tracy Walter.

There we go. Siri gets to live for another year. Now, back to the case. I'm glad that I don't have to hear this case because it's obvious that you are both liars. Liars. Because when I heard about this case, about the man who refused to go to a professional hair cutter and cuts his own hair with a flobie, I had a really distinct picture of a person...

In a sweatsuit. In a sweatsuit. With a terrible haircut. I did not imagine that you would both be so well put together, attractive, and with perfectly acceptable hair. Your Honor, if I may dispute your claim here. Please. I believe that their good looks and well put togetherness are masking the fact that he in fact does have a terrible haircut. I think we are blinded by the fact that these handsome people want to talk to us.

It's true. I'm feeling pretty beta at the moment. It's true. May I enter some information? Please. He's wearing glasses, which is obscuring the horrible state of his sideburns at the moment. during the horrible state of his sideburns at the moment. Sir, if you could point your face 90 degrees to your left,

thus displaying the weird area. For the record, I cut my hair last night. You cut your hair last night? In preparation for this. All right, so how long have you been married? Four years. Four years. So how long have you been married? Four years. Four years. And where do you live?

We live in Brooklyn. In Brooklyn. And please don't be any more specific than that. We live in Bay Ridge. You live in Bay Ridge. And there's your one friend from Bay Ridge. And what do you do for livings? I'm an architect.

An architect. And I'm a New York City public school teacher, but I'm... Well done. But, you were about to say, but... I am currently on leave taking care of our two small children. You have two small children? Yes. Are they twin children?

No. No, how old are they? We have a three-year-old and a one-year-old, both girls. Congratulations to you. And do you cut their hair? They have neither had a haircut yet. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, I suppose so.

That's right. Okay, they can afford to look ill-kempt. Out there in Bay Ridge. I don't know where that is. It's true. I just figured it sounded like a place where children run free. Maybe hoops and sticks is involved.

Yeah. It's where that bay meets that ridge. Eric, I have to say, and I think this just speaks to the classism in my soul, when I heard that you were cutting your hair with a flow bee, I just thought you guys were struggling, but you're an architect. Do you think that this is the one thing standing between architect and starkitect? I mean, I'm an architect, not a judge, so I still have my limited means.

I started, actually I bought the Flowbee when I was working freelance and partially employed. So the initial purchase was a financial, sort of a financial one, but also sort of a behavioral issue. But then I was like, well, it's like, well, you know, it's fine. It's good enough. And it gets me there. And so I kept doing it. I have not thought of a Flowbee

since I was in my 20s. Judge, I have the Flowbee if you want to say. That is the object, yes. It attaches to any vacuum. Can I ask quickly, a Flowbee is a real thing and not just a punchline from 1987? No, it's a real product. Let the record show that I am removing with great trepidation a series of duct work that reminds me of the movie Brazil from a bag.

This attaches to any vacuum cleaner. Yes, it does. So this is an item, an ungainly piece of plastic that looks like the thing that lives in the trash compactor in Star Wars. You attach this to a vacuum cleaner. Let the record reflect that the judge has brought the Flobie to life through the magic of puppetry. From now on, this is my co-judge.

Yes, Flobie, I'm going to ask them. Well, don't yell at me. And don't look at him either. Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Dunham. So, here's my question. You are now a professional architect. Yes, I have been

for a while. And have been for a while. What kinds of things do you build? I mean, I design a variety of different things, mixed-use projects, university projects. Mixed-use projects? Residential, mixed-use. It's, you know, retail, residential, office all in one place, live-work-play.

Live-work-play? Live-work, play. It's the future of sustainable communities. For people who don't deserve different buildings for those three different things? Indeed. Well, like Brooklyn. Brooklyn is mixed-use inherently. Right.

And I work on mixed-use projects in other communities. Right. Okay. And you've had professional haircuts before, right? I have, yeah. And you don't care for them? No. Generally, no. And you don't care for them? No, generally no.

Why not? So I kind of have a thing that I go in and no matter what I tell them that I want or don't want, I always leave kind of looking like they tried to make me look like a Russian soldier. So they kind of brush it all up and they cut it and it's always the same. What do you tell them that you want? I'll walk in and say, like... Do you say that you want to be that Russian super soldier from Rocky? Yeah, you know. No, I go in and say, like, I come in with however it's displayed,

and I say, I'd like just the smallest trim, just kind of neaten it up, blah, blah, blah. It ends up too short. It ends up being parted in the middle. It ends up being this thing. And I walk in, I'm like, so I spend a bunch of money for this thing that I don't like. Excuse me. Hang on. Yes, Flobie, I'll get to it in a second. Right. Okay. All right. I'm going to ask him the question. Sorry, it's not me. Flobie wants to know what kind of smug hipster asshole still uses one of these to cut his hair when he can afford a real haircut. I was just, it's him, not me.

I was just, it's him, not me. And I did anticipate this question. What's that? Oh, Flobie's not surprised. Yeah, yeah, no. My counterpoint to that is I could spend the money in the haircut, but I spend the money in other things. And so that are probably my last frames.

You'd best say gifts for your wife right now. Indeed. Dinner and drinks with my wife or dinner with my family. We have you know, I'm not suffering, clearly. And you have to understand when I make derisive comments about your station

in life, it's only because I am cowed by your obviously better masculinity than me. You know, we have limited discretionary income, and I could spend it on haircuts, or I could spend it on going out for, you know,

going out with my family for dinner or drinks or whatever. How much do you think a haircut costs? In the end, it costs about $50. How often do you take your three-year-old for drinks? Surprisingly often. You know, football every Sunday. All right, my

ironically named child, this is going to be hilarious. We're going to go get artisanal cocktails and we're going to be Flobie along with us. Can I add something? Of course. He gets reviewed at work, and appearance is part of his yearly review. And my issue is...

That sounds terrible. I know. But my issue isn't the... So the top of his hair, the Flobie does, I would say, an almost adequate job because it, I mean, if you've ever seen it, it sucks it up. You can see it on YouTube. Sure. Look, we also, Wayne's World, it sucks while it blows.

Exactly. the back and the sides of the head where you need more precise cutting that the Flowbee cannot address. That's where it falls down on the job. Yes. I've seen the sides. Stand up and show the audience the back of your head.

I know. That's probably not great. This is not as bad as I thought it would be. No, it's not that bad right now, but there are times where he will put on a baseball hat, and after using the Flobie, he will take clippers and shave everything that grows beneath the back rim of the baseball cap.

And... I see. It does not look good. Um... Eric, I'll allow your objection. Wait, wait, wait, wait. But he will also... Mariah, shut your pie hole I want you to point out

this gavel was made for me by Isaac from Kansas, a carpenter and a good friend of Charles Chuck Brian from Stuff You Should Know he sent it to me in a custom made box and I have been lenient on this tour,

but there have been times when I've gotten so angry that I broke this gavel. You're talking to a judge with a broken gavel right now. If I say I'm letting Eric speak now, he's going to speak. Fair enough. This goes a little bit too... Shut up, Eric.

Anyway, Mariah, go on. You were saying? The rest of my case... I know, Flobie, that was a good joke. The rest of the issue is that after he uses the Flobie, he then uses clippers in the back, as I mentioned, and he often

wants me to participate in the haircut, and I am not trained, nor do I enjoy, nor am I adequate at shaving the neck hair that grows down here. We call them neck chops.

By we, do you mean both of you? Yeah, I mean, it's sort of like mutton chops, neck chops. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm glad you've agreed on the nomenclature. You don't want to have anything to do with your husband's weird hairs? Is that what you're saying? No.

All right. And why do you want her to do this? Does she not enough well staying home taking a break from her career helping to raise your two children now you have to have her tend to your gross hairs on the back of your neck your your weird fly hairs from jeff goldblum's the fly um so as probably a weak, small counter suit to that was if she would help me with the trimming, I wouldn't have to do the weird baseball cap thing, which I've done very rarely since we've been together because she typically helps me, but not always. Anyway, when I have done that, it isn't good. I don't know, you know, but I've gotten a little better at it. So you admit that you have a problem. I mean, when I do that, it isn't good. I don't know, you know, but I've gotten a little better at it.

So you admit that you have a problem. I mean, when I do that, it's not good. Yeah, but I've gotten better at it. You acknowledge that Flowbee is not enough. You need to have another human fine-tuning your hatchet job. It gets me like 95% there. I should note I had two compliments today at work for my haircut. What were the compliments specifically?

Oh, your hair looks nice. I mean, they're very simple, very basic. Out of nowhere? Yeah, out of nowhere. Do you think there was an implied relatively speaking? It certainly could have been. Well, here's the thing that I will say, and I will state this for the record, and it's not just because you're the alpha to my beta,

but you have good hair. Like, that's the thing that's frustrating about this. You think that's frustrating to you, Judge Hodgman? I use it as a cover because it's forgiving. He's got a full head of hair, a nice hairline,

and he's got texture. Like, there's texture to what's going on up there. Look at my s***. Like, I've been wearing a lot of hats tonight, literal hats. So all my hair is, you know, matted down, but my hair

is the color of mouse s***. And it is as fine as the finest corn silk. And there's nothing to be done with it, and it's got about 13 different cowlicks in the back. Like, if I took Flobie, no offense, if I took Flobie to me, I would look like an institutionalized person.

Like, the fact that you are Flobying your hair and what you're getting is something that is almost passable I think tells you a lot about what a head start you're getting in life sir

so I guess what I'm saying is check your god damn privilege you both submitted evidence visual evidence that we're going to review now. Mariah, I think your evidence is up first. Let's take a look at it. Okay. Mariah, tell me what we're seeing here. Okay, well, this is obviously before I met Eric, but...

I submitted evidence just to establish that he has a history of poor hair decisions. Right. How old were you in this photo, Eric? Would you guess, ballpark? I'm saying right around 1920. Probably 1991. It was, you were, 1991, how old would you have been then?

I would have been 1920, depending on what time of year. Oh, you would have been 19 or 20. Yes. 1920 is a year, not a name. Oh, no, no, I year. Oh, you would have been 19 or 20. Yes. 1920 is a year, not a name. Oh, no, no. I apologize. 19 comma 20 is. But I was a little confused because you really do look like Flattop from Dick Tracy in this one. You know what?

It could have been 93, I suppose. Alright. Next slide. Whoa. Yeah, that's not good. Can I add that that's a professional haircut? How old were you in this photo? Oh, I was 16, 15. And what was wrong with your hair?

It was the late 80s. Next photo. What's wrong with his hair is it wanted to be the lead singer of Hall & Oates. You got a little party in the back, and it's like a party in the back, but like cotton candy in the front. Oh, yeah, and you know what? I apologize.

I might be like 18 there. I'm not 100% sure. Next slide, please. Oh, God. What is this here? Okay, that's a letter from my

Eric's niece, my niece, Shay, regarding Eric's hair. Will you read it for the court, please? Sure. My uncle has created something very, very dangerous. This creation is formally known as squirrel hair. It has become

a danger to his family and his name for because of his light brown, puffy, squirrel-like hair, he is no longer known by his family as Eric or Uncle Eric, but as Mr. Squirrel Hair. This creation, the squirrel hair, as I have made a point of saying, is very dangerous and for not only his safety, but the safety of others

should be under professional control as soon as possible. Written by Shea, defendant's niece. Thank you, Shea, for your testimony. Of course, you are a child and therefore destined to be cruel.

Next piece of evidence. Is there any more from you, Mariah? Ah. Now are we, what, are we moving into your evidence here, Eric? This would be my evidence. All right, tell me what we're seeing here. We're seeing a, a, as you see, Anakin Skywalker, that's clearly a professional haircut.

Nothing could be worse than that, or very few things could be worse than that. Han Solo clearly didn't go pay a lot for his haircuts. And then you have yourself. And then I have my professional haircut, a self-cut, and something else comparable. So you're suggesting that because Hayden Christensen playing Anakin Skywalker had a bad haircut, which was designed by the hair and makeup department.

Indeed. Right. And because you had one terrible haircut in the 80s when you were 18 years old, that therefore you should not have to have your hair cut again by a professional. Oh, no, that's just representative of many professional haircuts. I don't know what any of this means. Let's move on.

It doesn't necessarily mean much. This is an example of me seeking out my wife's advice and opinions on how I look. I was getting my first pair of glasses, and I was sending her pictures and saying, can you tell me how you think about this particular pair of glasses? There were five or six. I only sent one. Yes.

And it was just evidence that says, I do seek out her opinion. And I do rely on her. Did she just text you back, get a haircut? She very well may have. This was maybe, I don't know, three or four years ago. I'm not sure. Yes, I can tell by the model of iPhone that you're using to take this picture. That was not good evidence. You know.

So what would you have me rule, Mariah, if I were to find in your favor? Okay, so I would just like for Eric to get a professional haircut once a month. And I feel like that would be enough to maintain, you know, the back of the head where you need a precise, someone who knows what they're doing to create that sort of, I don't know what you call it, steps. Some other human who is not his wife to come look at the back of his head and take care of his neck chops.

Yeah, I think there's skill involved. To give him a nice taper or a fade. Yeah, yes. And Eric, there are lots of different people in the world who might cut your hair who are not your wife. Sure. And you've had a couple of bad experiences. You're a chiropodist. More than a couple, but yeah.

How many bad experiences would you think you've had? I mean, I had my hair cut professionally until I was in my late 30s. So, I mean, lots. I don't know how many. Okay. And you've never had one satisfactory experience? No, I've had a few. Did you stop having your hair cut right around the same time that you had your first child? No, it was actually before we met, before Mariah and I met. But he did have his hair professionally cut for our wedding, and it looked great. And why aren't you seeing that same person anymore?

Is that for me or for her? Oh, the haircut? So I went in. You had your haircut for your wedding. We know why she's not seeing the same person anymore. No, no. I thought you were asking her why she didn't see the same thing in me. I apologize.

I'm kind of dumb sometimes. So, no, I went in like several months beforehand for like a test haircut and it was, and actually I did like it. It was good. And then when I went back in like two weeks before to get the haircut for the wedding itself, it like wasn't as good. And I was like, well now I just have the same dumb haircut that I always have. That whenever I get a professional haircut, it's like, ah. Mariah, did your husband look good at your wedding?

He looked great. Yeah. Your opinion doesn't matter, sir. For the most part, no. What will it take you to give up this Flobie? If I find in Mariah's favor, will you throw this thing away? Can I add just one more small point? Sure.

It's terrifying to our three-year-old child when Eric locks himself in the bedroom with the vacuum. And then when the Flobie's involved, it's even worse. All you have to do is say to your child that it's preparation for further confusion when daddy's locked in the bathroom in the future. Alright, I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I'm going to go into my private hair salon and take Flobie with me. And we're going to talk about this. And yeah, okay, I'm getting to it. And we'll come back with my verdict in a moment. Please rise metaphorically as Judge John Hodgman exits to his chambers. Thank you, sirs. as Judge John Hodgman exits to his chambers.

Mariah, your husband's so handsome. I guess I don't really have a question there. Eric? Yes? Even if the judge decides... Even... Even if the judge decides against you, could we be friends? I mean, we could talk about it over a drink afterwards

if you wanted to. Cool. Well, we'll see what the judge has to say about all of this. Please rise, metaphorically, as the judge re-enters the courtroom. Wait a minute, that's just Flo B. Flo B.

Flo B and I have been talking it over, and Flo B would like to give the verdict. I don't know. All right, that bit's dead. The thing that bothers me, Eric, is you're a handsome man. I'm stomping my feet about it. And of course, Mariah, you're a beautiful woman. And maybe sometime we could all go out together.

I already have drinks with Jesse after the show. Jesse can come along too. The fact that you have hair... What is your age? I'm 44. 44. You have hair... What is your age? I'm 44. 44.

You should be so glad you have hair. He's literally the lead character of a romantic comedy. Look at this architect over here. Right, right. I guess my real question for you, Mariah, is do you own a cupcake shop? If you pitched to me a romantic comedy where a public school teacher met an architect

who was really handsome, but he cut his hair with a flow bead, I'd be like, I get you're trying to include a humanizing detail, but that was an old joke 20 years ago. None of this, I mean, none of it makes sense. It is some weird art project you are forcing onto my fake court. No, it's real.

Anyone, any human can go and find someone to cut their hair and yes you have beautiful well textured hair it probably requires some special care it probably is the case that you've had some bad haircuts I've seen

visual evidence that affirms that in shocking detail. But I can tell you, through hard-won personal experience, that as someone who has hair that is difficult to cut and make look good, it takes time to find the person who understands the way your hair moves and makes it look good. And that person is very, very rarely your wife. And almost never an attachment to a vacuum cleaner. Look, you got the summary judgment in your favor,

and I won't go back on that. I have to find in your favor, handsome Eric, just as you have won in everything in your life. But... Because... Because you have alpha male manipulated me into wanting the best for you, I am going to offer you a gift. I have my hair cut by one person in the world. Her name, improbably,

is Holly Ivey at Alibi Salon here in New York, and she is backstage right now. Holly, will you please come on stage? Ladies and gentlemen. I don't want the fact that I've been wearing

A dumb cowboy hat all night And sweating like a pig To undo the fact that I have a fantastic haircut Right now and I credit it all to Holly And right now She's going to take you aside And give you a free haircut by the bar I don't know if there's anything you

can do with what this guy's got going on on top, but that is my beta male gift to you. If there's anything else I can give you, master, let me know. In the meantime, I find in Eric's favor, this is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that evening. Ladies and gentlemen, Mariah and Eric. Eric, you may take this thing, and you may follow Holly to the station. I don't think there's a shampoo involved, unless you're going to wash it in

the mop bucket here at the Bell House. By the way, I think we should address that Holly is dressed as a haircutting Han Solo right now. That's right. Haircutting Indiana Jones. Fantastic. Holly Ivey, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be checking in with you a little later on. a little later on. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

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Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Judge Hodgman. Yes. I'm trying to decide right now. Okay. Two options off the top of my head. One is we continue to prattle on indefinitely.

Okay. The other was we bring out... We go out on a date with those people. I'm literally... I'm going to have to put them out of my mind just so I can muster the confidence to do the rest of the show. Yeah, right.

Like, I really feel like I don't deserve to be the one on stage right now. Anyway, I feel like we could prattle on or we could bring on an amazing musical guest. We have a wonderful musical guest

and she's more than just a musical guest because she is a rapper and a singer and an actor and a writer and a bailiff on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. And of course, a very dear friend of both me and Jesse Thorne personally, ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Jean Gray. Will you please come to the stage? Oh my goodness.

Hi, Jean. Should I sit down? Well, yeah, we can chat for a second before you do your thing. How are you? I'm good. I had so many things to say about his hair. Let's talk about it. Okay, okay.

First off, he had a flow bee. Yeah. And I've wanted a flow bee for, like, my entire life. Yeah, right. I watched the commercials, and my mom wouldn't order it for me. Sure, right. Because it's attached to and my mom wouldn't order it for me. Sure, right. Because it's attached to a vacuum cleaner. Right.

So she was like, no, that's not going to happen. And I, okay, so I started cutting my own hair when I would go to a lot of salons. And what happens in either black salons or Dominican salons is either they leave you under the dryer to die for like three hours. Yeah. Or you come out looking like you're going to a prom or someone's quinceanera. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. So I just learned how to cut my own hair.

Guess what that architect has never been to? Someone's quinceanera. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I just learned how to cut my own hair. Guess what that architect has never been to? Someone's Kinsoniera. Yeah. Although that would be a great next show. So yeah, I started cutting my own hair and I went and got a pair of clippers and I learned by like trial and error. Like my hair is short and like I had to learn to cut the back. How'd you get your neck chops done? That's also called a kitchen, white people. It's not neck chops. Oh, yeah, okay, I got you. It's called a kitchen.

I got a mirror and then I attached it to the wall so that I could see all sides of me. Oh. And then I just, you know, you kind of learn how to do it. Jean, are there any other parts of the head that black people have special names for? Yes, actually there are. What a good question, Jesse. Thank you, Jean. Yeah.

Oh, so right back here, that's your kitchen. Yeah. And then these are your edges. Your hairline is very important. So yeah, When you see someone who has all their edges, you're like, yes. He had great

edges. He had a great kitchen. He's just got to learn. He needs to get a pair of clippers and she kind of needs to be in on the action. I don't know. Put on Unchained Melody. That sounds like a good haircutting song. And I said, you know, I don't know what, put on Unchained Melody. That sounds like

a good haircutting song. Uh-huh. And hang out in the bathroom together. Do a little wheel pottery. Yeah, yeah. And try out some gauges on your hair.

Like, it's gonna grow out in a second. Right. Yeah. But you don't think you should be using that Flowbee anymore? I think you should put

the Flowbee, I would love the Flowbee. Right. If you guys are willing to donate it to me. Oh, yeah. No, you know what? Eric and Mariah, you gotta give Gene the Flo B. Yes! Just waited a long time for it.

Best show! Gene, would you like to perform some music for us in our amazing crowd? Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, Gene Gray! Gene Gray! Ladies and gentlemen, Jean Grey. Alright. So,

last week I got invited to do this show and they were like, it's like a street festival, it's going to be really fun, you should come out. And I was like, I don't really care where it is, how much is it? And they sent back how much it was gonna be I was like, oh I'm doing this And then they were like it's a clean show and I was like

I'm People keep asking me to do clean shows and I'm not sure they actually are familiar with any of my work at all Because it's like 90% murders and then like 10% love songs, but there's usually murder in the love songs. So I went and I did it and it was in Yonkers. Hmm. and I did it and it was in Yonkers. Mmm. And it was just kind of a street festival

so like people are like getting funnel cake and stuff and then I was like, this is where my life is. So I performed. I was like, I should rap for this because like kids will like that. They did not like it. So I did really a song. I was like, oh, it's got good call and response,

and I know it by heart. I don't have to try to do anything. And it was a weird response. There was one old Spanish dude on the side just doing this. And then there was a lady with a cane, but she kind of started throwing up like halfway through it. So I wanted to do that song. I was like, where can I perform that in a safe space where I would feel really good about it and people would be energetic.

And so I chose you guys. Who's gonna be a real good rap audience? These guys. My life has changed so much. So, I guess it's kind of a challenge to, like, I want to reclaim this song because it felt really terrible that day. Also, it was at, like, 4 o'clock in the afternoon. Jesus.

So, if I could get all you guys to stand up and be super active for this song like you're listening to music. If there's two of you who perhaps want to come on stage and be very active during the song with me, that would be awesome. I use my vocal fry. Maybe that's what...

And really, come on! We don't have much time. I'm just gonna choose you. Yeah. Uh... You guys are so lovely and encouraging to people. I love that. Uh... Someone shout out their friend.

Carrie? No, that's the right one. Come on. Yes. No, that is good. And what's your name? Jeff. Jeff with a laugh And what's your name? Jeff. Jeff. Jeff with a laugh?

How's that spelled? H-A-J-E-F-F-H-A-H-A. Cool. Indescribable. Carrie or Carrie? Whatever you, like, put in the basket. Like, probably Carrie. Carrie.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Oh, with a, okay, that's a lot. So Jeff over here, Carrie over here, and a ha ha Jeff if you will, ha ha. So the hook of the song when I say, you don't like it so what?

And then you guys yell out, I don't care. So it's kind of a flipping the bird to whatever you need to flip the bird to in your life right now. Just kind of leave it all here tonight. It'll be great. So you guys have your choreography down? That's good?

Okay. This should be not awkward at all. Just go for it. Carrie, get it. Y'all got legs. No, y'all were supposed to be doing this too. Let's go. I heard you screaming, want me back.

I thought you didn't believe in me. I was whack. You want that in between Fellini, white and black. Well, I don't know. I feel a way about your actions. Reckon you all for me. Apologies, security, amazing publicity, a cult status of

security. Cause I do nothing but the purity of love. Get the fuck on with that. This ain't nothing but maturity. Don't go get your white gloves to deal with it. Grown ass woman who's no prone to ferreting. Piss up in your snow cone, jackass, so here's a tip. Don't need the gray snow. Go fix your face, bro.

I swing my mace low. Hot on me mace, no. Go Bo Yorari that crazy 88 flow. No folks, you're all me brats made in a place. But I'm really not afraid of them, a project mayhem. I'm complex based on an abominable state. Study based on all phenomenon in space, buddy. Take that.

Take that. Diddy in your face. Eddie, turn the lights off. Teddy, you are not a beautiful snowflake. Chuck, what the weird? You spoke the weird term pro-punk. If we gonna use quotes and set your quote game up, hit the sample, hit girl.

Now come on and go. You don't like it, you don't like it, you don't like it, so what? I'm not a fan. I said middle fingers up, let's go. You don't like it, you don't like it, oh. You don't like it, so what? Jack is getting in it.

See me? I'm like Judy Blume of the Uzis. You're like Jack Tusco exploring the Jacuzzis. Wow, you really got deep there. Three feet, whoa, what a fucking reach, yeah. OMG, can you even come back up for air? Raffle a mouth, no one really cares. I'm in a Waffle House seat picking shit.

Do you believe at the back house it's dancing on a chair? Please, Rhoda, I don't give a fuck, fam. I'm me, so what? Me genius, damn. Five abs, rap good. I'm the entire back row of the classwood You please stop trying to teach me, I'm past it Advanced reason, smash it

Pete on it, Kelly Kelly, readers Justin, Justin Kelly That's it, you might not get it Rewind it, get active I spin, spin different, hipster erected Consider me classic, you're specifically asking if Why you guys? I'm on the top list of motherfuckers who ask it. Not that the statement's not accurate,

just that motherfuckers need to fix the facts a bit. Your favorite rapper, favorite rapper, okay, come on, fingers in the air. Back to dances, let's go. You don't like it, you don't like it, you don't like it, so what? I'm here. I'm bringing Jeff everywhere.

You don't like it, you don't like it, you don't like it, so what? Amen. Okay. Lord have... Mercy. Hush. Lord have... Mercy.

Why is it trailing like that? It's not a Gregorian chant. Lord have... Mercy. Cut it off. Lord have. Mercy. Cut it off. Lord have. Mercy. Thank you. Just wasted a lot of bars there.

You don't like it, so what? I don't care. I can afford to waste bars like it's healthcare in America. Fuck it, I failed, yeah. All hail the prevailing queen of fuckery, yeah. Crown tilted to the side, nigga fuck in the air. Up chuck in the beard, leg hump in the stud. Gun tucked in the rear, body ducked in the fuzz.

We're just gonna let Carrie and Jeff do what they does right now. Go hard, go hard, go hard right here, go hard. We're gonna do the hook one more time. Ready, you ready? Okay. You don't like it, you don't like it, you don't like it, so what?

Okay! What did I tell you about the fake, what? You don't like it, you don't like it, you don't like it, so what? I'm standing right in front of you! Keep it up! Keep it up! Everybody sit down! Just you! You guys stand there like you're about to do something to him.

You don't like it. You don't like it. You don't like it, so what? I don't care! I didn't feel that. You don't like it. You don't like it. So what? I don't care. I didn't feel that. You don't like it. You don't like it. Oh. Jeff's hard as fuck.

My name is Jean Grey. Carrie. Jeff. My name is Jean Grey. Carrie, Jess. Jean Grey, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, Jean Grey. Jean Grey online at jeangrey.bandcamp.com. You can pick up her brand new album.

It's called Seven. You can support her on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Jean Grey. Jean, you've done my job before on this show. Yes, I have. So you're well qualified. Do you want to stick around with us? Yeah, hell yeah.

Jean Grey. Fantastic. Holly Ivey, how's it going over there at the haircutting station? So far, so good. Do you have anything to work with over there? I mean, he didn't leave a lot for you. Actually, he did. Holly Ivey sees things that I cannot, apparently.

Great. So shall we move on to the next case? Yeah, actually, you know, we have some more friends of the show here tonight we can bring on. You want to? Sure. So I recently, or relatively recently, received an email from a listener to the show who is here tonight. I think he wins the, hands down, the longest distance traveled award as he spent the past year in Antarctica, where he listened to this podcast there in the Lost Continent. I actually don't believe Antarctica exists. I think it's a government conspiracy, and I'm just very curious to know whether he's a real person. He claims that today is his birthday,

and he's here with his girlfriend. So please welcome to the stage Dave King and Rebecca Hirota. Are you here? Oh my goodness. This is about as weird as I worried it would be. Hello, John Hodgman.

Judge Hodgman, it's a clockwork man. That's right. Dave. Rebecca, you don't have to be here. I know. I know. Rebecca, you have... You have choices, and you're able to make them at any time.

Dave, you have a remarkable mustache that goes very far from your face and in different directions. Yeah. And I just want to remind you, you're not in Antarctica anymore. You can be a normal now. We'll see how long it lasts. So you wrote to me. I think you were still in Antarctica at the time. I was, I was.

And I was amazed to get your email. What were you doing there? I was a painter painting the dormitory where the scientists sleep in the summer. So you were not a fine arts painter, you were kind of more of a dorm painter. No, no, no. It was, if you can paint a wall white or blue, you got a job. Well, there are a lot of people who can do those things. How did you get this job or seek it out?

I have no idea how I got the job. Or how were you punished with this job? Was it the situation where you were walking down the street in Toledo, Ohio, and then you got ethered, and then you woke up in Antarctica and were told to paint a wall? I applied to a government website. Hold for applause. And they picked me. And why did you want to go?

Why not? Why not? That's the sort of thing that Dave would say. I wanted to see what was there. What is the rest of your life like? What were you doing up until that point? Because I presume that you were a qualified scientist

of some kind. Oh, absolutely. Not a weirdo mustache man. Oh, no, no. I am a scientist of mustachioed and bikes. Right. Okay. So you were a scientist? Oh, yes. Still am.

Complete scientistist? That's the word? How has time travel been working out for you? It's hard on the brain. Yeah. I didn't go to college. I see. I'm not a scientist.

All right. What were you doing before you got this job? Model maker, prop maker. For movies? For movies and TV. And like, what movies did you work on? Avengers. That's a real one. Men in Black.

What kind of models and props did you make for Avengers? Did you make a shield? We made the shield. Thor's hammer. You didn't. But why do you say we? Me and the studio that I worked at. Oh, cool. Fantastic. Yeah.

And then one day you were like, I'm done with human society. Let's go to the bottom of the world and paint a wall white. Rebecca, how long have you known this weirdo? Almost two years. So pre-Antarctica or post-Antarctica? Pre and post. Wow. Did you goctica or post-Antarctica? Pre and post. Wow. Did you go down and visit him at any time? I couldn't.

No? No. No, because you couldn't paint a wall? No. You weren't qualified the way he was? I was not qualified to paint the wall as a scientistist. It's a lot harder than you think. What did you think when he decided to go down there?

Um... It's a lot harder than you think. What did you think when he decided to go down there? I was supportive of his choices. You've put up with a lot, haven't you? That's a very good girlfriend response. A lot of eccentricity, right? Yay, it's his birthday. Happy birthday, by the way. Thank you, thank you. When did you get back from the balloon?

I got back the day before Thanksgiving. And have you had any difficulties adjusting to northern... Modern times. Modern times, yeah. It's hard making my own choices on what to eat and do. What was it like to be living in Antarctica? Like, what do you remember the most? Do they even have velocipedes there?

I don't even know what that is. I'm not a scientist. It's one of those bikes with one giant wheel and one tiny wheel. I like that. No, they do not. Thank you, John. I liked it a lot. I got it.

That one was for me. Let the record show the guy that got a weird mustache looks like he should be riding one of those bicycles with one of those big wheels, one of those small wheels.

Penny farthing. A penny farthing? That's right. Sorry I didn't use the right word for you. Let the record show he's making disturbing motions. Penny farthing motion.

What do you remember the most about Antarctica? I was in a band, and I don't play an instrument. This is the thing that I find curious. You were on one of the most remote terrains on Earth with profoundly challenging ecological conditions and what you remember is I was in a band. Yep. I played the drums. Okay. You don't

understand. White people are so amazing. I just... Oh, it's been so much. Thank you. You left your job at the Avengers to paint a wall. It was a lot of walls.

Gene, Judge Hodgman is the crux finder, but I think you found the crux of our entire podcast. Shut it down, everyone. Turn off the lights. I couldn't hold it in anymore. You are at the literal bottom of the earth. You could be talking about how strange it was to be so far away from Rebecca

and what it was like to be in an incredibly regimented environment where you all had to pitch in in order to survive, and you're like, I'm in a band. You want to tell me about your goddamn drum solo? You truly do belong in Brooklyn, sir. He's looking across a vast ice mesa, and going through his head is,

what am I going to tell them when they ask what my influences are? Who were your neighbors down there? Ooh, the Kiwis. They were about two kilometers away. Right. But in your... I mean, I suppose you weren't in a solo yurt. No, I had a dorm.

It was a four-person dorm. And who were your three people? No one. You were all alone? Yeah. You got a single? Mm-hmm. Sweet.

Yeah. That's one of the benefits of winter. Wow. And how did you get the Judge John Hodgman podcast in Antarctica? Very slowly. Because it was being mailed to you? It was being shipped piece by piece by satellite. Right.

Alien satellite tech to me, yes. You know, Judge Hodgman, this is actually not the first time one of my podcasts has been heard in Antarctica. In like the very dawn of podcasting in like 2005, this guy emails me and he says, I'm in charge of the CDs that go on the plane to Antarctica that they just put in a stack

to run the Antarctica radio station. I had a radio show down there. So I played some of those. This dude went to Antarctica to have a college radio show. Well, I didn't go to college, so that was my college. Did you play all different kinds of stuff?

Like, sometimes it's John Coltrane and sometimes it's churches. Sometimes, Yeah. I like to keep it eclectic. What was your go-to jam on... Ooh, that's tough. Probably the

Airborne Toxic Event. Do you know them? No. L.A.-based band? No, I don't know. And Johnny Cash. I think that's one of I don't know. Just obscure enough. And Johnny Cash. I think that's one of Joel's favorite bands. And Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash. And the Animals,

If We Ever Get Out of This Place. That's a good song. Well, that, I think, probably spoke to a lot of people down there. Yeah. Right. Do you have any disputes with Rebecca? Well, you know what?

Let me ask. This might be more productive. Rebecca, do you have any disputes with Dave? Good call. We have one about surprises, this might be more productive. Rebecca, do you have any disputes? With Dave. Good call. We have one about surprises and I feel like a surprise is one where you actually enter into it

and it is a complete surprise and it's like yay! Versus when you tell somebody I have a surprise for you and then it just feels like a secret that they're not telling you. How many times a day does he go I have a surprise for you and then it just feels like a secret that they're not telling you. How many times a day does he go, I have a surprise for you? How many times is it train tracks?

It's not even half. It's not even half. No. And so you would like me to rule that Dave can no longer say, I have a surprise for you? Unless it's a legitimate surprise. Yes, it's a legitimate surprise. And can you give me an example of one time when this had gone wrong before?

Ah, gone wrong. It doesn't go wrong. Well, I hate when people... Well, I'm sure you've never noticed anything going wrong. Because you're a weird mustachioed psychopath who will leave for Antarctica in the drop of a hat. Well, okay.

So I had certain... For my birthday, we had certain prerequisites of what things I wanted. I didn't want to plan it, and I wanted to see all my friends, and I wanted there to be an event. And so I knew that there was something coming, and they wanted it to be an event. And so I knew that there was something coming and they wanted it to be a surprise,

but so much so that nobody told me when it was or where it was until like the day of and I had to call someone up and be like, hey, where am I supposed to be? And that was not. This was a surprise that did not make you happy, just felt cruel and confusing.

Yes, yes. All right, I got you. Dave, do you have anything you want to say about that? All right, good. I find it Rebecca's favor. Ladies and gentlemen, Dave and Rebecca, all the way from Antarctica. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney.

I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you.

And remember, no running in the halls. On the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ugh! We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go.

If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Holly, I don't see you cutting hair over there anymore. Are we all done? Can we see the results? I believe so. I think Eric, Handsome Eric, is over there by the sound booth. Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome back up to the stage the very handsome Eric. Handsome Eric. Here he comes.

Your white privileged man. Napchops. Where's Mariah? Did she come? Mariah, I need your feedback. Oh. Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub. I didn't think it could be.

Rutabaga, rutabaga, rutabaga. Peas and carrots, peas and carrots. And what happened to the Flobie? Where's the Flobie currently? It's over there. Yeah, I need it. I need it for Gene. No, no, someone bring it up.

Mariah, sit down. It's in a bag on the floor. It's in a bag on the floor. Someone will bring it,. Mariah, sit down. It's in a bag on the floor. It's in a bag on the floor. Someone will bring it, I'm sure. Ladies and gentlemen, before you give your response to the haircut, Mariah, how do you feel about it? Oh, I think it looks awesome.

It's very clean. It's all one length where it needs to be. It has the correct gradient effect in the back. I just can't stop looking at you, Eric. The way that you're pretending to be a little embarrassed is just really getting me. Eric, if I'm honest... This is not my first rodeo.

Eric, I haven't stopped thinking about you since you left the studio. Holly, I hope that Eric will consider visiting you again at Alibi Salon here in Soho, New York, because I think you're the best hair cutter in the business. But just for his future reference, tell us a little bit about the challenges of his hair well surprisingly there weren't that many because as we established in the case eric was blessed with a gorgeous head of hair that he was abusing are you

what were the mistakes he was making flo Flobie entirely, or were there other mistakes? No, no, mostly the Flobie. And then I believe he, as we discussed in the case, there was some sideburn issues, which I don't think were Flobie-related. I think that was self-inflicted as well. So basically, to get him started, we sort of corrected where the rubber hits the road, sort of saying, on the sides there.

And with a little professional guidance and a little less self-maintenance, I think he'll be on the road to recovery. He might. He might somehow be able to survive in American society. Can we get Eric to remove the glasses so he can see? Yeah. It's Superman! Oh!

Alright. Eric, please take this Flobie in your hands. Hand that to Eric. I want you to say goodbye, Flobie. Goodbye. And I want you to walk it over to Jean Grey and give it to her. Ladies and gentlemen, Eric Mariah, thank you so much.

We have one more case to rule on. Would you like to retire to your chamber, sir? I really do. Let's welcome our next set of litigants to the stage, Leora and Sam. Wow, this is fun. Tonight, silence of the jams. Leora brings the case against her fiance, Sam. Leora is uncomfortable with Sam's trumpet practicing at home because they live so close to their neighbors. She'd like him to find a practice space outside the apartment. Sam thinks that if no one's complaining,

it's fine to practice at home. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers the obscure cultural reference. I'm a fiend when it comes to good pastry, and the French make the best as far as I'm concerned. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, swear them in.

Please raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he believes music to be unnecessary, given that his own mellifluous voice exists in this wonderful

world. I do. I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman. Leora and Sam, you are the most delightful band camp couple I've ever seen in my life. Let the record show that Leora is carrying a trombone and Sam has a trumpet by his side. Thank you very much for bringing your instruments. For an immediate summary judgment and one of yours' favors, can either of you name the person I was quoting as I entered the courtroom? Let's see. Sam, you have been brought against your will to my court,

so you can guess first or make Leora guess first. What is your choice? Leora will guess first. Leora will guess first. The typical maneuver of the coward. Leora, it is up to you. You may guess. I'm going to go with Dizzy Gillespie. Dizzy Gillespie,

a very famous trumpeter. Jesse Thorne, you can put that in the guest book now. It is up to you, Sam. What is your guess? I will say the saxophonist Bleeding Gums Murphy from The Simpsons. Bleeding Gums Murphy from The Simpsons. All guesses are wrong, although one guess was okay.

Dizzy Gillespie was a pretty good guess. This is a trumpet-themed dispute, not a saxophone-themed dispute. And I promise you I will never quote The Simpsons. Not that they're not brilliant, but a little on the nose. Would you believe that that quote was from a little on the nose. Would you believe that that quote was from a different trumpeter? Who can you guess? Not Dizzy Gillespie, but a famous

jazz trumpeter? Come on, you have to know another one. Come on, Lenore, I'm counting on you. You're holding a brass instrument. Miles Davis is a fiend for pastry. As recounted in Miles Davis is a fiend for pastry. As recounted in Miles Davis'

autobiography, A Fiend for Pastry. Jesse will attest that as we drove here in our minivan from Boston today, I was having a hard time finding a good trumpet-themed cultural reference, and I dug through

many of the Miles Davis quotes, but they were all so typically Miles Davis-ian, in that they were provocative, smart, thoughtful, philosophical, and so forth. And abusive to women. Yeah. I just googled trumpet quotes.

You googled trumpet quotes. Well, you and I were doing the same thing today. And though he said a lot of things, the thing that really made him human to me was he was a fiend for pastry. So now we have to hear this case. Wait, no, hold on. I'm offering a special bailiff's citation to either of you who can play the night court theme

on your instrument. Right now. If you could sing it, I might be able to do it. Oh my goodness. These people are young and they must be forgiven. It's probable that we'll never hear the night court theme again in our lives.

No citations issued. I'm sorry. But Sam and Leora, you have a dispute. Leora, you are a trombonist. Sam is an aspiring trumpeter. He practices in your apartment, and you don't like this. Is that correct? That's correct.

Where do you live? We just moved to Park Slope, but we formerly lived in Morningside Heights. And where, and Sam, how long have you been playing the trumpet? For two months. I bet you sound pretty good. Lior, how long have you been playing the trombone? About 20 years.

Sam, what's going on? How long have you guys been together? Four years. Four years? And about two months ago, you were listening to Leora play that beautiful trombone, and you were like, I've got to get in on this? No, that's not how it happened. How did it happen?

So we took a holiday to Puerto Rico, and I just fell in love with salsa music. Oh. Let the record show that Leora is laughing uncontrollably. Well, for months after that, he kept saying, he kept saying, he kept saying, baby, would you like me better if I played the trumpet? Something about your trip to Puerto Rico

made you feel insecure in your relationship. You just saw, you just, you, you knew that she was a brass player, and you saw a lot of really hot brass players down there, and you're like, I'm going to lose her if I don't pick up at least the flugelhorn. Is that what happened? What do you do for a living, Sam? I'm a neuroscientist.

You're a neuroscientist. Leora, what do you do? Doctor, heal thyself. I am also a neuroscientist. Leora, what do you do? Doctor, heal thyself. I am also a neuroscientist. Wow. Is there something about... Is there something... I just want to say it in a different way for this case.

White people are amazing. Good job. There are so many questions I could ask. You're a neuroscientist. Why do you play the trombone still? Or do you? I don't. No. This is actually not really relevant to our dispute. You just carried it around with you. No, the last thing I played in was the medical school musical, which was The Music Man, so I couldn't resist. Sure, of course. And you were one of 76 trombones in that musical?

Yeah. I got you. Well, there's trouble right here in Gowanus City between the two of you. So, Sam, you fell in love with salsa music. What did you fall in love with exactly?

Just the style and how cheerful it is and I don't know. It just all sounds good. You listen to it, you want to smile. Okay. Or play the trumpet.

Yeah. I think that's a pretty fair characterization of salsa music. If Celia Cruz's ghost was here right now, he'd be like, you know what? I like how cheerful I think that's a pretty fair characterization of salsa music. If Celia Cruz's ghost was here right now, he'd be like, you know what? I like how cheerful you are.

So did you buy a trumpet and then start taking lessons? No, this was a magical thing that happened. For a while, I was just asking everyone if they would like me better if I was playing the trumpet. That must have been a fun period. And then I was having a dinner party, and my friend said, well, I just have an extra trumpet. And she gave it to me on the long term. And then I looked up where to get trumpet lessons, and so now I'm taking trumpet lessons from a guy in Harlem who's great, Tyler Tritt. I recommend him to anyone.

Tyler Tritt? Yeah, that's right. T-R-I-T-T? That's right. Tyler Tritt. I recommend him to anyone. Tyler Tritt? Yeah, that's right. T-R-I-T-T? That's right. Tyler Tritt, who plays the trumpet. Everything's a wrap with you, Gene. Tourette's. All right, and your problem is that he's practicing at home.

Yes. Are you moved by the fact that he's picked up the trumpet in order to make himself more attractive to you and emulate your brass expertise? Absolutely. I commend him for picking up the trumpet at the age of 30. Is he more attractive to you now? Every day.

Aww. Do you have any evidence that his practicing at home is bothering the neighbors? Because that's your complaint, right? That's my complaint. Since we have moved, it is a different situation. So I don't really know the neighbors yet. We never had complaints.

But based on my own reaction to the trumpet, I can only assume that others might be bothered. Are you trying to put off on neighbors what you are feeling? Yes. I see. What part of Park Slope do you live in? We really just moved and I don't know. So you don't know your address?

Do you know your street? Yes, we're at 6th and 6th't know. So you don't know your address? Do you know your street? Yes, we're at 6th and 6th. Oh, yeah, I've heard you guys playing. Oh, yes. And you would like me to order that he find a practice space? Yes. And why is that not acceptable to you, Sam? It's already pretty inconvenient to pick up an instrument, especially...

Right, because it's so heavy, it's made of brass. Yeah, right. No, it's just you're doing something you're bad at. And I get to work at 9, 10 o'clock, I get home at 9 o'clock. I think that if there was any more inconvenient, I just wouldn't do it. When you say inconvenient, you mean embarrassing or uncomfortable? Yeah, that's part of inconvenience, definitely. Are you say inconvenient, you mean embarrassing or uncomfortable? Yeah, that's part of inconvenience, definitely.

Are you practicing after 9 o'clock at night? No, so this is one of the things that we've discussed, is that the practice hours are between 9 to 9, so typically I could go and get to work late. You're practicing 12 hours a day? No. He neurosciences for an hour in between

I get up, I do five hours of trumpet Then an hour of neurosciencing And everybody suffers When do you practice that trumpet? Sometimes nine to twelve in the morning Or if I get home from work before nine o'clock Then I'll do an eight to nine slot Okay, that's got to stop 12 in the morning, or if I get home from work before 9 o'clock, then I'll do an 8 to 9 slot.

Okay, that's got to stop. 8 to 9 is no good. That's the dinner hour. What's that? And only if I'm not there these days. Oh, really? He'll only practice if you're not there? I don't understand. Well, I've had so many complaints about it that he's taken to practicing when I'm not there. Oh, I see. So it's a lot of restrictions. All right, Sam, get it up. Let's hear you play. I only know one song.

He might need some help from everyone. From everyone? Everyone knows this song. He might need some help from everyone. From everyone? Everyone knows this song. Yeah, here, I think we can help. Does anyone here play the trumpet? Yeah, bear in mind, you're playing, you're going to play trumpet in front of some of the finest brass players in

Brooklyn, if not the world. I noticed that on the way in. Yeah. One of them has a on the way in. Yeah. One of them has a master's degree in tuba. No joke. All right, hit it then, since you feel so great about yourself right now. Excuse me, excuse me. Thank you. For its root

Root, root for the They don't win With the shame For its root They don't win if they stay. For that's one thing. Get it. Get it. The old ball game. I like that end note that he came in on.

Ladies and gentlemen, the theme from Night Court, ladies and gentlemen. Sam and Leora, that was truly magical. I have to say that I really practiced. It shows. I have to say, I'm honestly impressed. For two months worth of lessons, I think you're doing very well. And, yeah. I've never played an instrument.

I don't know why at this time in my life I wanted to start learning how to play an instrument. Right, you want Leora to love you and not run away with the Salsaman. The Salsaman. They with the Salsaman. The Salsaman. They're called Salseros. I'm not even going to go into chambers for this one because I just think it's so charming

that you would do that for us and I'm very grateful. Leora, do you have anything you want to play solo? I mean, you came in on the end there. I'm not the one trying to learn a brass instrument I know but I just want to just for comparison's sake do you have anything from the music man you

could just drop down for us oh my god that was like two years ago I haven't picked this up since then Yeah. Yeah! Yeah! The two of you will be leading the big parades together soon. May I say? Yes? I would just like to say one thing in my defense.

As we were moving out of our last apartment, I bumped into the downstairs neighbor. And I asked him, I said, you must have heard me practicing the trumpet.

And he's like, oh yeah, I heard. And I said, are you suggesting he's into it sexually? You know, well, I asked him if the noise bothered him, and he said, well, you're not going to be any Louis Armstrong, but I don't have any noise complaints.

I got to say, I think that you should continue to practice and get better until the music sounds really good. 8 to 9 p.m., no way. You can practice between 11.30 a.m. and 12.30 p.m. Monday through

Friday, and then go for a walk in the park in the weekends, and you have to busk. Can I offer a little bit of suggestion, too? Please. Because I think, also, and like, as a child

of musicians who were, like, playing amazing stuff, and then I had to take lessons, and when I was playing, everything sounded terrible. And also because I think neighbors in, new neighbors in Brooklyn

are very passive aggressive about things, so they might not be complaining but just sitting in their apartments like, oh my God. So I say be proactive about it, and maybe post up a little sign downstairs like, hey, if this is bothering you, please, you know, you can talk to us about it. And don't keep playing the same song back to back, like, every day.

Because there'll be a time that everyone at 9 a.m. is like, goddamn ballgame, that goddamn ballgame. So maybe pick, like, two songs and switch them up. Yeah. Let your star twinkle, buddy.

Yeah. Don't provide sacks of trumpet water torture for your neighbors. That's bailiff Jean Grey. That's bailiff Jesse Thorne. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge Sean Hodgman rules.

Leora and Sam, thank you so much. Let's see what happens when you practice music for a long period of your life, shall we? Yeah, absolutely. Jean, would you perform another song for us, take us out this evening?

I would. I'm going to go put my flow beam back there. I'll take your flow beam for you. Okay. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, here comes your Jean Grey. Thank you. your Jean Grey. ¶¶

Hey folks, it's the story of Minnie the Moocher. She was a low down hoochie-coocher. She was the right type of friend. But many had a heart as big as a whale. Howdy, howdy, howdy, howdy. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Whoa. Howdy, howdy, howdy, howdy. Ohhhhhhh Hari Hari Hari Hari He gave her his townhouse and his racing horses Each meal she ate was a dozen courses She had a million dollars in nickels and dimes

She sat around and counted it a million times Adi-adi-adi-adi-adi-adi-adi-adi Adi-adi-adi-adi, do-do-do-do-do. Squee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Ah, ah. I gotta stop smoking. Me, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh In Gene Gray and the Pitch Black Brass Band, ladies and gentlemen. Let's hear it for them. Our thanks to Gene Gray and the Pitch Black Brass Band for playing us some great music in Brooklyn. Jean Grey is on Twitter, at Jean Greasy.

If you're near Brooklyn, you can catch her Church of the Infinite You on Sundays at Union Hall. Pitch Black Brass Band are on tour in February. You can find their dates and more information at pitchblackbrassband.com. That's black spelled B-L-A-K. And, oh, man, that was a fun live show. I recommend going to that concert. Thank you also to the litigants who shared their disputes with us, to the staff at the Bell House for their help.

And special thanks to Holly Ivey at Alibi Salon for her haircutting expertise. Ian Brody and Allie Hoover named this week's cases. The show was produced by Danielle Davis, Matthew Barnhart, and Jennifer Marmer. Tickets are going quickly for MaxFunCon and MaxFunCon East. Visit MaxFunCon.com for more information. And if you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, submit it at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. That's MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. You can follow us on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Hodgman is at Hodgman.

And before we go, something really magical happened when we were in Brooklyn. I happened to be backstage. I saw an open horn case. And there was a telephone in there, a smart telephone, open to the website youtube.com. And I looked at it and I thought, huh, that looks like the title card from the sitcom Night Court. They couldn't be. While we were on stage,

let's go to the grand finale of our show taped live in Brooklyn and the stage of the Bell House and the pitch black brass band House, and the Pitch Black Brass Band, making my dreams come true. Maybe you might want to do one more? Or two? All right. Maybe, we'll see.

Maybe a new song, if you know any. Thank you. Yeah!