Judge John Hodgman - Live From Chicago, 2018

Episode Date: June 6, 2018

This week's episode was recorded live in Chicago at Thalia Hall, as part of The Onion Comedy & Arts Festival! Tune in for "Tilty or Not Tilty" plus Swift Justice disputes about bedtimes, an online boat game and watching crime dramas. Plus, music from Sima Cunningham and Macie Stewart of OHMME! Thank you to Logan Green for suggesting the title "Tilty or Not Tilty"! To suggest a title for a future episode, like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions.  

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week's episode was recorded live at Thalia Hall in Chicago. Let's go to the stage for some Chicago justice. Tonight's case, Tilty or Not Tilty. Shannon brings the case against her husband, Matt. They currently have a pinball machine in their garage. Matt would like to move it inside the house. Shannon is opposed.

Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise, metaphorically, as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. West of Arkham, the hills rise wild, and there are valleys with deep woods that no axe has ever cut. There are dark, narrow glens where the trees slope fantastically, and where thin brooklets trickle without ever having caught the glint of sunlight. H.P. Lovecraft wrote, end quote.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear them in. Shannon and Matt, please raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. Yep. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he recently graduated from pinball sorcerer's apprentice to pinball wizard?

Even more so. Yes. Judge Hodgman? Shannon and Matt, you may be metaphorically seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors in this case. Can either of you guess the obscure cultural reference that I made as I entered the stage here

at T. Hollya Hall in Chicago, Illinois? Shannon, why don't you go first? The movie Tilt? The movie Tilt? The movie Tilt. A lot of Lovecraft in that movie. Okay, I'll put that into the guest book right now. I'm writing it

in this very moment. My fingertips. Alright, now. It is Matt, correct? Yes, Matthew or Matt. Matthew or Matt. Okay, I'm glad that you're ambivalent about your own identity. Just the name. Just the name. Okay.

What is your guess, sir? That was very wordy for Tilt. I'm going to guess... What is Tilt? Hang on. Hang on a second. Shannon, what is Tilt? I've never heard of this movie.

This is a movie, a pinball movie. A pinball movie? Is it a pinball movie or a pinball-sploitation movie? It is a movie about pinball. I know. It's the only, only pinball movie ever. Who's in it? Is this like Rad, the BMX movie?

Besides Tommy. Brooke Shields, of course. Brooke Shields? When was it made? 70-something, very late. Oh, okay. I'll have to go check that out. Matt or Matthew, what is your guess?

I'm going to say Wordsworth, for lack of a better term. Wordsworth? It's very wordy. I'm going to say Wordsworth. Wordsworth? It has the distinctive rhythm of Wordsworth. Yeah, because Wordsworth was such a huge Lovecraft fan. And Wordsworth is probably quoting Lovecraft a lot.

All guesses are not even trying. I'm not even trying. Because you could have gotten this one, you guys. You could have gotten this. Because this involves, this involves, the dispute involves a pinball machine

specifically themed to what intellectual property? Dragons? Game of Thrones. Thank you very much. What's your favorite HBO show? Dragons? What's your favorite HBO show? Dragons. What's your favorite book series? Dragons.

It was a George R.R. Martin quote. You can move a little bit closer to the mic. Please mutter more closely. I was told not to be funny, but I knew it was going to be a George R.R. Martin quote. I know you're a big fan, so I tried my best. It was a George R.R. Martin quote. Specifically, George R.R. Martin quoting at I know you're a big fan, so I tried my best. It was a George R.R. Martin quote, specifically George R.R. Martin quoting at length

H.P. Lovecraft in a quote that he wrote in support of a book called Vacation Land by John Hodgkin. You might not have known it because it wasn't on the hardcover, but it's the first thing in the paperback by my design,

which is for sale this evening by the Women and Children First bookstore are selling pre-signed copies here tonight. I'm going to give you guys one more chance. Now that you know the realm of subject matter that I'm referencing obscurely,

can you name who said this quote? I. End quote. Once again, it is I, and I'll spell it for you. A-Y-E. I. Shannon?

Matt? Matthew? I'm going to go for the guy with the big red beard, because that's pretty much all he says anyway. Red beard? Big red beard? Big fan of the dragons, aren't you? Now I'm searching desperately for that character's name. It's Tolmar or something, right? You know what my favorite part... Hang on.

Tormund! Thank you. Please go ahead, Jason. Do you know what my favorite part of dragons is? Dragon Ball Z? Chair. Shannon, I presume you do not have a guess as to who said I or what I'm referring to? I'm just going to say no.

It's unlikely because unless you were going through my private emails you would never know that I A-Y-E is the one word response I received in an email from Peter Dinklage. Oh. In response to the question Hello Peter. This is John Hodgman. I'm in Las Vegas

right now. Quick question. Do you provide the voice for the Game of Thrones slot machine? Aye. Do you have on your Game of Thrones pinball machine any dinklage words? There's no dinklage. No dinklage? No. Oh. So it'll do the

slots but not the silver ball, huh? What a snob. There might be a show quote, but it's not specifically for the pinball game. Because Peter Dinklage is all over this Game of Thrones slots machine. Okay, no, not like that. He's the main character, and he's talking all the way through it. And I felt like, anyway. Well, the best quote is, the night is long and full of terrors.

There's many people that say that same quote. Including you, right there. You just said it. Oh, you mean in the pinball machine? Yes, in the pinball machine, like, you know, when things happen. Okay, let's talk about your case. Shannon, what is the nature of your dispute? So, for my 40th birthday, a couple of years ago,

I was given, I was surprised with, a Game of Thrones pinball machine from my husband, which is... given, I was surprised with, a Game of Thrones pinball machine from my husband, which is... It's, John, it's like that time I gave my wife for her birthday a bowling ball that said Homer. Or when I gave you that poncho that time. It was a private joke.

Anyway. Was this a surprise that was, like, surprised, like, oh, I can't believe how thoughtful you are, Matter Matthew, or a surprise that was more like, why is this happening? It was just unexpected. I was, you know, kind of hoping for something else, and instead he's like, we're going somewhere, and it's a surprise. And he brought me to the pinball place. What were you

hoping for? A girl's pinball machine? I was hoping for... Or a Westworld pinball machine? Last week tonight with John Oliver? Multi-ball? Like a grown-up watch? A grown-up watch?

You know, grown-up stuff. And instead, you got a full-size, arcade-quality Game of Thrones pinball machine. Matt or Matthew? This is not going well. John, I think it could also be characterized as, instead, you found out they still make pinball machines. Okay, I'm going to interject right now.

Stern Pinball, just out of Chicago. One of the last manufacturers that still makes them in-house and ships them. Stern Pinball. Objection sustained. One of the lowest energy buzz marketing that I've ever heard. I appreciate that you love love and the the sport and

the craft of pinball and Stern and it is a classic American hang on praise for you it won't be forever but right now and pinball is a classic American diversion that is dying in the age of LAN parties. That's a thing still? I don't know. You know what I mean. And it's great in an old-timey town like Chicago. Yeah, right? In the time

of ColecoVision, that there's still an old-timey... They're bringing that back, too. I'm sure they are. There's still an old-timey manufacturer of pinball right here in Chicago, and I appreciate your buzz marketing it, but just for the people who could not see this, who are listening now,

when Matter Matthews said, woo, he pumped his fist, but he could barely raise it. It was truly like, I'm not sure I should be doing this. It's tough to get a woot about Chicago in a room about people from Chicago.

It's tough. Nothing harder than pandering. I wasn't trying to pander. Look, all my Chicago references are sports related. It's actually hard for me to pander in this room.

Yeah, I think if you were talking about an old timey pinball manufacturer in Chicago, I bet there are a lot of people who would be behind that. Let's hear a bit. What's it called again? The company? Stern Pinball. Stern. Give it an appropriate like. Stern Pinball. Stern Pinball.

Yay! Now let's hear it for Harold Baines. I did okay, considering. All right. I've been having some fun at your expense, but tell me... That's okay. I don't mind. Tell me about this pinball machine and what it means to you

and where it is in your house, because this is part of the dispute, correct, Shannon? Yeah. Where is it currently? It is currently in our garage. Right. Now, our garage is... But you would prefer to have it in your bedroom, next to your side of the bed, so every morning

you can wake up and think about Matt and or Matthew giving you such a precious gift. No, actually, I love it right where it is. Okay. It is perfectly great in the garage. But Matthew, you would like to bring it out of the garage. I would. Yes, I would. And it's been there for a couple of years, based on my record. Yeah, so she's going to turn 42 this year.

Sorry. Happy? So it'll be two years in October. That was actually not on the... I'm sorry about that. You know, you malign the Chicago audience. Local 134? As though they're unenthusiastic about Chicago, which is wrong.

They're hard to pander to, which is wrong. Look, if I just bring out that bottle of Mammalore, people are going to be a standing ovation. But somehow... I was told not to be funny. Somehow, you have turned this audience into an antagonist

for all of us. You have turned this Chicago audience into a Philadelphia audience. They're going to be throwing batteries soon enough. I want you to understand that I... I can't agree to that one that I love that you have this pinball machine. I wish I had this pinball machine. I wish I lived in your house.

And I am absolutely open to your idea of bringing the pinball machine out of the garage and into the heart of your daily life. But you're going to need to make your case for it now. Where do you want it to be and why do you want it to be there? I mean, to be fair, it's not just a garage. It's our laundry room. It's the tool room. There's a bumper pool table there. There's no cars parked there.

Bumper pool? Why, that's an insult to pinball. I thought you were going to say an insult to pool, but that's okay. So we have a small split level ranch. It's awesome down there. It's been so much fun. We am trying to... You have some notes here.

It's a beautiful pin machine. It's actually numbered. Number 347 of 700. Woo! Which is pretty awesome. That's amazing. That was a legit woo. That was not sarcastic. You've got a collectible.

And I came upon it by an accident. There's a really cool guy in West Chicago who sells a bunch of awesome pinball machines and it's a moment only. So she told this story where she thought I was taking her to pick out jewelry and then we showed her the pinball shop. And she actually, I can't reiterate this enough.

This is her machine. She loves it. I did not buy this for myself. Everybody that I talk to says, oh, you bought it for yourself. I really didn't. She loves this machine. She has every high score but one, and that's the only thing I have.

The Tyrell house is the only high score I have. She's got everything. She's got winter is coming. She has absolutely everything on this machine. So don't ever think that it's not hers. I'm going to pause there. She's got everything from dragon to snow. From ice to fire.

Snow dragon. Hang on. I'm just going to interrupt for a moment to let the record show to the listening audience that Shannon was nodding when Matter Matthew was talking about the fact that she loves this machine and that she has all the high scores but one. Do you have the highest score, Matthew? On House Tyrell, just because she doesn't play that house.

Right, but she would own that too. Yeah, pretty much. She would be king of the Andals in all seven kingdoms and whatever else. There's no doubt. Why don't you play House Tyrell? Because they're betrayers, right? They're awful.

It's the easiest house. Oh, Tyrell is his? Yeah, he's already got his name on it. You just want to leave him a little bit of dignity is what you're saying. It's the last name left. I used to have a lot more. So without going to your notes, just tell me because I presume you know this,

where in your split-level ranch do you want this pinball machine to live? Technically, it's called the good room because it's the main room when you walk in and there you go. That's it. The main room where you walk in. So, technically speaking. Yeah, that's right.

I'm not sure if you guys know this architectural term. Some of you may be architects but not yet licensed. Right. Coined by Frank Lloyd Wright in Oak Park. Every house has a good room. Yeah, you see?

They'll even applaud Frank Lloyd Wright up in Chicago. I don't want you to malign why did nobody like stern some of the most pandering audiences in the world give yourselves a round of applause Chicago

I rest my case local 134 Shannon this actually I love the description of this room Local 134. Shannon. That's so good. I love the description of this room as the good room because I almost feel like I don't need to ask. There is a good room in every home or dwelling. What is the good room

in your dwelling? Well, it's just too small to be a great room. What rooms does your not-so-very-great room comprise? Living room and kitchen and dining area? More or less, yes. All of those? From the front door, you can see the living room and then the dining room. And the kitchen's hiding behind a wall.

This would be pride of place in your home to have your pinball machine there. I mean, it's the first thing you'd see. Right, and Matthew is nodding enthusiastically right now. He is smiling as I have never seen him smile before. Why is it important to have this pinball machine

right in the front and center? Did you see pictures of it out of curiosity? I have reviewed the pictures. They are beautiful, and they are available for your reviewing pleasure at MaximumFun.org, the Judge John Hodgman page, or Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman. It's a gorgeous machine. You think that it would be an aesthetic?

It's really beautiful. It's hand-drawn art. It was fan art. I mean, it wasn't the machine I sought out to buy of the three levels of the Game of Thrones pinball machine that Stern does sell. So you were definitely going

to get... You were definitely going to buy from Westeros. I mean, she has been playing this Pirates of the Caribbean machine that is my brother's forever. Every time we go to my brother's house, it's just like, Pirates of the Caribbean pinball, Pirates of the Caribbean machine that is my brother's forever. Every time we go to my brother's house, it's just like Pirates of the Caribbean pinball, Pirates of the Caribbean pinball.

I think she deleted my scores, honestly, on that Pirates of the Caribbean pinball machine. So Shannon, you like pinball. Yeah, that's all right. So the machine is beautiful. I mean, like anybody can Google it. It's like, you know, as soon as they pulled it out in West Chicago,

as soon as the guy pulled it out, she was sold. You know, she was sold. Hang on, hang on, hang on. She was sold. She chose it over the Guns N' Roses machine. Would you speak for yourself and not for Shannon? Which is huge. Can I ask, Shannon? Yes.

The moment that they pulled it out, she sold. Do you love this pinball machine? Obviously, I love this pinball machine. All right. Yes. Fantastic. Good job. You got a good present.

Thanks. I guess it's not part of the case, though, right? Well, it does play into it, but yes. But you don't want this in your good room? No. No. Have you tried putting it in there to see how it would look? Well, no.

I mean, I've drawn pictures of how it would look. I've put boxes up on how it would look. And it's huge. It's huge. Right. There's no better way to approximate what a pinball machine would look like in a space than putting some boxes together and drawing a picture of Peter Dinklage on it. I just think... together and drawing a picture of Peter Dinklage on it. I mean, in Matt or Matthew's defense,

that might show you the footprint of it in the good room, but not the overall effect. Well, I mean, it'd be much louder. I mean, it's lights flashing and noises. Does it make noise all the time when it's plugged in? Every so often, it'll do like a

dong sound. Right. The night is dark and full of terrors. In the good room. Does everyone sing Game of Thrones to the tune of the Game of Thrones song when it's playing on? Game of, Game of Thrones Thrones, Game of Thrones. Right? Game of Thrones, the tune of the Game of Thrones song when it's playing on? Game of, Game of Thrones,

Thrones, Game of Thrones. Right? Game of Thrones, Thrones, Game of Thrones, Thrones. Yes, exactly! Okay, just wanted to make sure. Ah, still gets me going. Yeah, because it's probably got a setting to attract people to come play it in an arcade where pinball machines belong.

Yes, but it's not constant. But every so often it will. And then some birds. It makes like, like, caw, like sounds every once in a while.

So it's occasional, but it's not always. That's because it's bringing you news from old points. Exactly. So, what is, do you know the square footage of your, of your Holdfast, your good room there?

What is, like... Oh, I don't. You don't? I don't. Could you tell us how many boxes by how many boxes it is? I would say that on the far wall, you could probably put side- side three and a half pinball machines. I appreciate this new unit of measurement.

Is it a crowded space? Yeah. We're a family of four. We've got some pets. And it's like a 1950s split level ranch. It's not big. Right.

So everything is crowded, yes. So you would not even be willing to give it a try? Well, part of the issue is that to move a pinball machine, that's like a pro job. That's not something that he and I are going to... Is that true that you would need a professional matter, Matthew, to move it? When I told my son that he wanted to move it,

he said, absolutely not. And then I said, don't worry, you and I are not moving it. And he said, yes, I want to move it upstairs. Oh, okay. It wasn't that he sided with his mom. We have narrow staircases. It has to kind of fold down, go out the garage, around and up, and out the garage, around and up.

So you would need... I don't want to hear, I don't want to be part of your part of your D&D campaign all of a sudden. So it's one-time. I search for hidden doors. It's a one-time move.

Do you think, will you stay in this house for a long time to come? Is this your home home, or do you think there's a move to come in the future? For the foreseeable future, we're going to stay put. Yeah, I mean, we've got big plans. Right. Who doesn't?

Okay, so... Matter, Matthew, this is Shannon's pinball machine in a home that you share with her. You floated this idea of moving the pinball machine. She has said no. Why is it so important that you defend this in court? I'm definitely going to open this. All right.

Let the record show he's going back to his notes. Let the record show his notes are a picture of his mouth with a foot in it. That's only the first page. it? That's only the first page. I mean, it really is a beautiful machine. Okay, we're a family of four, like she said, okay? Your honor,

the beauty of the pinball machine has been established. I know. Sustained. Okay. So right now the pinball machine is between the laundry room and the workshop slash area in the garage, where there's no cars parked because it's very small, okay? pinball machine is between the laundry room and the workshop slash area in the garage, where there's no cars

parked because it's very small. And it just gets lost down there. What do you do in the workshop? There's just a pile of tools. Who knows whatever happens down there. But the record show that Shannon just pointed at herself, is the workshop your workshop? Well, I

like to try to make stuff, so I'm in there. Like what kind of stuff? I made a cat door. Nice. Thank you. That's pretty dope. You mean a flap? No.

It was just a hole. A hole. But I used a saw. The cat does fit through it. Sure. And I trimmed it out. Oh, very nice. Thank you.

All right. I'm trying to get some real evidence down here, but besides the beauty of the symbol machine. No, you can't see it. Because I've heard everything I need to hear. So this is you. Please say your last few comments. Nobody can come and play it. All right.

There's laundry all the time. We're a family of four. Laundry explodes. There's no fighting laundry. Everyone here knows that laundry is laundry. Okay? So between the tools and the laundry, it is

constantly around stuff. So when we first got it, it was awesome because we were constantly playing it, but now it's just laundry all around it all the time. Last week, we thought about the neighborhood... My job. Easy Philadelphia. Obviously, he has no kids.

I'll have you know. Kids. Kids and laundry, or kids and laundry, or kids and laundry. Everyone knows that laundry is laundry. Kids and laundry. And we're busy playing pinball. Like, you go to the garage to do laundry, and there's the pinball machine. I want it upstairs.

Yeah, but you would like to have friends come over for a pinball night. No, even myself. I don't want to stand on the laundry when I want to play it. Even if it's just by me. I see. That's it. Is there any other place besides the center of your living area where this pinball machine could go?

It could go to the left center of the living room. I believe I've heard everything I need in order to make my decision. I'm going to go to my chambers. Consider your case. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Sorry. I'm sorry. Let the record reflect that Matt and Shannon really love each other.

There we go. There we go. There we go. Shannon, what would happen to your life if this pinball machine that you love was more easily accessible? Well, it definitely hits those reward centers in my brain, so it might become a problem.

So you'd become addicted to gambling, in other words. That's what I would guess. How do you feel about your chances in the case? Oh, I've got this. Wow. That was good. Matt? Matt, how are you feeling about your chances? It was really good coming in.

I felt really... You had the notes. Yeah. I think the notes actually worked against me. But I still had them anyway, and I'm proud. So I think it'll be... I don't know. We decided to do whatever he says, so I'm pretty sure I'm, you know,

star, star, star, E, D, so... Oh. Farted. Farted. What are you getting Shannon for her next birthday please say Zaxxon please say Zaxxon actually it's our 20th anniversary

this year so holding on to that one first then I'll figure out blank birthday centipede and then Zaxxon centipede and Zaxxon holding on to that one first. Then I'll figure out... Blank birthday. Centipede and then Zaxxon. Centipede and then Zaxxon. There's room. She said there's three plus plus plus plus plus room

for machines of search. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. First of all, Matt and Shannon, happy anniversary. Thank you. I don't know what is the 20th anniversary traditional gift I didn't have my phone here

I do but I'm not going to say will someone use their phone to look it up I feel like I'm in Philadelphia again hey Siri what is the traditional gift for a 20th anniversary it's a diamond nobody knows it's a diamond I don't think it's a diamond

hey Siri hey Siri 20th anniversary. It's a diamond. Geez, nobody knows it's a diamond? I don't think that it's a diamond. Hey, Siri. Hey, Siri. China! China! All right. Good to know. First of all, I want to mention happy anniversary in advance. Thank you.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday in advance. Thank you very much. Thank you to the audience for providing the answer to my question that China is the traditional 20th anniversary gift and I at the moment I'm unable to think of some China Game of Thrones tie-in joke so I'll move on to my verdict instead. I forgot my gavel when I traveled here today luckily Thalia Hall provided me with this mallet.

I will be rendering judgment with a war hammer tonight. For the at-home listener, Judge Hodgman has pulled out a prop from the Saw movies. I like to call it a little meowner. Matt,

Matthew, I agree with you that this thing, having seen these photos, this thing is a work of art. I am jealous of you, both because you have a cool mid-to-upper level grade Game of Thrones pinball machine in your home that you can use any time, and that you have an incredibly loving and patient wife named Shannon who also likes pinball.

And everything about this is fantastic and should make you happy. And yet you are determined to be unhappy. She wanted a watch. You gave her something amazing and very clearly very Matt or Matthew-y. Is this... That's not true.

It's not true? No. No? This is... He nailed it. This is great for me. Oh, yeah. Way better than a watch.

Yeah, no, no. I'm saying, like, is it in his nature to make a gesture like this to sort of really surprise and wow you and go in a different direction and have it be the right choice. Yeah. Yeah.

That's true. Yeah. Yeah, and I think he's going to... There we go. See, we're back in Chicago now. For the at-home listener, Matt gazed adorably at his wife. And the audience.

Matt gazed adorably at his wife. And the audience. And I bet he's going to give you some beautiful collectible China plates with Tywin Lannister on them. Come on, Charles Dance is the greatest actor on that show, bar none. In any case, you should be happy and proud of yourself, Matt. Thank you. But... And I also agree with you that... First of all, walking around with this hammer is very satisfying.

I also agree with you that this pinball machine is in a lesser place than it deserves in your home and in your life. That shoved between the laundry area and Shannon's make a hole in a door workshop is no place for this work of mechanical diverting art, shall we say. Neither is your good room, though. I mean, I wish that you had a place in your home

where you could have a Game of Thrones pinball machine and have it not be in the center of your life. I wish there were a pride of place where you could put it that is both deserving of its artistry and a place where you would enjoy using it more because you are out there in the margins of society out there in the garage

that is a place where people go to feel sadness and shame you should or just to hide I guess the night is dark and full of terrors out there but you just don't have the house to do it Just to hide, I guess. Yeah, you know, the night is dark and full of terrors out there. But you just don't have the house to do it in.

Never mind the fact that you share this house with other humans. And specifically, I don't want to hear about how much your son wants to have a pinball machine in the living room. He just doesn't want to move it. He doesn't care. Yeah, no, okay. Yeah, but he doesn't pay for the house. And also, how old is he? He's 17.

17, yeah, right. He'll take a pinball machine anywhere he can get it. I don't know. I can't say that. You want me to say that? Yeah, no, I mean, I thought you were going to say it was like 11 or 12. No, he's my youngest. And when I was 11 or 12, I was like, yeah, I would want a pinball machine in my living room. And like a fire pole from my room down to the basement.

And also a swimming pool full of sharks. And a moat. But in any case, most of all, you share this house and your life with your partner, Shannon. And unfortunately, if your cohabitant and life partner says no on something as big as a big honking pinball machine in the middle of the living room, that's veto power right there. I'm sorry that she doesn't want her gift in the good room, but she doesn't, and that's just the way it is. And there's no way that I or Lil' Mignolner here would nullify that decision.

I will make this order, however, in consideration of the piece of art that you own, your enjoyment of it, and your desires in life matter matthew and that is if you move there has to be a game of thrones pinball room in the house that has to be part of the criteria of the new home that you move and i appreciate that might cost a little bit more than a house without a game of Thrones pinball machine room. But on the other hand,

you bought a Game of Thrones pinball machine. There's no such thing as a watch room, buddy. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all. Matt and Shannon, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney,

is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go,

try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will.

Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Jesse Thorne. Oh, bailiff, My Bailiff,

those of you who have not attended a Judge John Hodgman live show before may not realize that it's not just us up here yapping justice at your ears, but also we always have very talented musical guests, and that tonight is no exception. Yeah, that's right. Ladies and gentlemen,

they performed with Tweedy and with Chance the Rapper. Please welcome to the stage Seema Cunningham and Macy Stewart of the band Ohm. Ohm, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. When the lights came into focus They had a thousand fingerprints Perfectly symmetrical Floating in your head You sat on a piano But you weren't sure just how You're sick from all the yesterdays

But they're dying down inside your life Body Inside your life, body Your life, body Oh, I was shaking Looking at the beach. I thought for sure she was lost, but she flew out of the waterfall. The wings of every picture Have started dripping out your ears There's no room for nostalgia

I'm understanding the idea You're alive, buddy You're alive, buddy Funny Oh I was shaking Looking at the peak I thought for sure She was lost

But all this time I saw you cry Unchanging love Telling stories in my mind I'm hearing your call And suddenly my understanding Was bacterial Suddenly I have a feeling I didn't know you at all

All I thought you were mine I'm changing love in my mind I'm hearing your call And I wanted to build you a ladder But you cut my rope And I wanted to climb up behind you But you told me no I just wanna be better

I wanna be better I wanna be better I wanna be better I wanna be better, I wanna be better, I wanna be better, I wanna be better, I wanna be better Oh, I was shaking Looking at the peak I thought for sure she was lost But she flew high above the waterfall LSp4 2.70 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 Home I call you on the telephone

Tell you that I'm finding ways to occupy my brain I'm saying, but you're not here There Not trying to get you But all I got is some direction Staring from the truth I've moved You're everywhere

I was fine I was fine Man Man, he thinks about woman But never when the time is right He barely makes the call He falls and we cannot catch him Woman Out there on the old island

And then I am all ready to be swept up in this wave The gays have not no will I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine ¶¶

That's home, ladies and gentlemen. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast

is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example?

The braised short ribs, they're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck, made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan, duck! What about the Heritage Pork Chop? You got it. Made-. Riders of Rohan. Duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in. Made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad.

It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah.

If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit MadeInCookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound.

Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear this sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language.

It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Now, Judge Hodgman, Chicago is a big city.

That's true. And that means it needs... It's the biggest city in Illinois. That means that it needs a lot of justice. That's right But we're running short on time How are we going to solve this, Jesse? The only thing I can think is to kick things up a notch

Notch up! Notch up! Let's do some swift justice Hard classic catchphrase I like how you transformed into like David Byrne or something Notch up! I like how you transformed into like David Byrne or something. Nod your up. Are you ready for some swift justice, ladies and gentlemen? Jesse Thorne, how are we going to do it?

We're going to put 15 minutes on the clock. And we are going to breeze through three intense in-person cases. Are you ready for this, Judge Hodgman? Are you prepared for this kind of justice? One moment, please. Yes, I am, Jesse! Well then, let's do it. Please welcome Brad and Janine. Brad and Janine, hello.

Hello. Which of you seeks justice in this court? Who brings this case to me? I do, Your Honor. Brad, what is the nature of your dispute with Janine? Janine insists on getting ready and going to bed before me. Oh, really? No matter what our schedule dictates.

And you've met her before? You have some relationship with her? Yeah, she's my girlfriend and we we live together oh she's your girlfriend girlfriend you say yes not spouse not spouse and you live together that's right well that's just fine. So why are you upset? Janine, what's he talking about? What's the problem?

I do insist on going to bed first. And so if he wants to go to bed earlier than me, I will either guilt him into staying up later or I will run to beat him into the bed first. What, are you talking about competitive bed timing? Yes. What do you do for a living? I'm an analyst on a sales team. Okay, and what time do you

like to go to bed? If you had some hard physical labor and you had to go to bed early or something, or you got up early or you worked weird hours. I get up at six, but go to bed. You're just normal. Don't worry about it. You don't like work third shift doing analysis for

a sales team. Right. Exactly. Go to bed at 8.30 but plan to read for an hour, hour and a half. What is your age? 38. 38 years old. You look great for 83. You're 38 years old. You look great for 83.

Yeah. You're 38 years old. That means until midnight tonight, you are 10 years younger than me. No. Someone else do it. That means until midnight tonight, at midnight tonight,

you will be... Never mind. At midnight tonight, you will be... Never mind. Yale University, ladies and gentlemen. The point is, you're but a child. You want to get in bed at 8.30, and then you're going to read a book? Yeah.

What are you reading? I just finished the... I forget the name of it. The Patrick Rothfuss novella to read a book? Yeah. What are you reading? I just finished the I forget the name of it, the Patrick Roffus novella. Oh, cool. You're a Roth fussy? Recent convert. Yeah, he's fantastic. Great guy, great beard. Yes. Okay. So, and

how long will you read for before you go to sleep? An hour to an hour and a half. Now, is it important that you fall asleep before he does? Or just be in bed? Just be in bed. Now, if I may ask, are you around the same age, would you say? Yeah, just a couple years younger. Just a couple years. Oh, right.

Okay, exactly. And what time would you prefer to go to bed? I mean, all things considered. I mean, 8.30 is pretty early. It's not very many hours. It's crazy, isn't it? Yeah. How long have you guys been going out?

Did you know he was like this when you... I did, but we moved in together in January. How long have you guys been going out? Did you know he was like this when you... I did, but we moved in together in January, so... How long were you dating before then? About two years, but the weekends are different than the weekday. He'll stay up later on the weekend. He'll party all night long. Right. Right, reading Patrick Rothfuss to you.

Right. They're long books. That's true. That's true. That's true. Yeah, well, Patrick Rothfuss' novella is only about 700 pages long So what time would you prefer to go to bed? When you were living alone

Maybe like 10 o'clock Like a grown up Now we both agree that Brad is a mutant when it comes to bedtime. He's an anomaly. But you also are weird because... You have to get in bed before he does and you will rush in there? Yes.

Is that true? What does she do? If you say, well, it's getting on 7.15 now. Yes. Is that true? What does she do? If you say, well, it's getting on 715 now. So this is what I need to get into my PJs before Jeopardy is over. Yeah.

Generally, the process is I'll announce I'm going to go get ready for bed. Oh, I'm sure you do. So she can jump up and go to our, we only have one bathroom, so claim the bathroom. Right. And then I wait until she finishes. But if she doesn't immediately go, I'll go, oh, this is. Right. And then I wait until she finishes. But if she doesn't immediately go, I'll go, oh, this is my chance, and then I'll stand up. At that point, she jumps up and runs around me to get into the bathroom. Why is it important to you to be in bed before him?

I think I want that time to get settled by myself in the bed. He'll mix up the blankets and the pillows, and he'll have it be a tangled mess where then I can't get in. And I want that time to be in bed first. Have you ever thought about... What's going on when you read that, Patrick Rothfuss? Janine, have you ever thought about just peeing on the bed to claim that? just peeing on the bed to claim it? What do you care if she runs into bed before you?

I mean, you're getting what you want. Your early, snuggly Rothfuss time. What do you care if she jumps up and gets into bed with you? She loves you. Yeah, I would like to just be able to go to bed when I want to without having a mandatory wait section. If it happens that we go to bed at the same time, that's fine.

A mandatory what session? Wait. Oh, while she gets ready for bed. Well, how long does it take? Five minutes. But again, these Rothfuss books are very long. Office books are very long. And there's times when I pull a long day analyzing things.

Get home very tired. I don't want to hear about how hard it is to analyze. Get home, and I even want to get in bed sooner just to rest and veg. Look, here's the thing. Have you ever brought your bed to a restaurant? Great friend of the podcast, Linda Holmes, an expert witness on this show in past and I hope in future, pointed out with great wisdom

that everyone has their little weirdsies. And you guys definitely do. They're not even that weirdsies. They're more small, kind of typical weirdsies that are developed after years of living alone or at least not with a boyfriend-girlfriend spousal equivalent deal, a cohabitant, shall we say.

Accurate. And so you're used to your little snuggly times with your fantasy novels and going to bed whenever you want. You've never had so you're used to your little snuggly times with your fantasy novels and going to bed whenever you want. You've never had to wait five minutes to go to bed ever before in your life. And when one has privilege and has pointed out that that's privilege,

it feels like injustice. And similarly, similarly, Janine, you've always been able to get into a nice, fresh, clean bed that hasn't just been destroyed. That nobody's Rothfuss doll. Yeah, right. By Brad's restless leg syndrome or whatever. Right. All your life.

And I'm going to tell you right now that will never ever change you have chosen to share a bed and a home together and these weirdsies are just gonna go boom boom boom boom against each other forever over and over and over again all of this is why you I am sentencing you guys to separate and move apart. No, unfortunately, you would like me to rule that bedtime be uncoupled. Is that what you say? Yes. What does that mean?

Uncoupled makes... We could choose to go to bed when we wish to and we are not... That's exactly what's happening. That's exactly what's happening. You're choosing to go to bed at the time you want to go to bed and she's choosing to go to bed right before you no matter what time it is.

You should feel happy that she wants to be in that bed with you. And that she accepts that you want to go to bed at seven-year-old time. I wish that my six-year-old went to bed when you go to bed. But I will say this.

I will say this. You can't torture him into staying up later either. But you can't beat him in there. That's fine. It's all fair. It's all fair game. Try not to mess things up. Try not to't beat them in there. That's fine. It's all fair. It's all fair game. Try not to mess things up. Try not to

you know, whatever. But everyone goes to bed whenever they want. This is the sound of a gavel. Brad and Janine. Please welcome Rachel and Ted. Rachel and Ted. Are you a couple?

Yes. Are you a married couple? Yes. And you live together? Yes. If you had said no, that would have been so hot. Because then you would have been my favorite married couple of all time. I mean, it's in many ways the best solution.

You also own a business together? Yes. What is your business? It's a veiling company. It's a bridal business. We do custom wedding gowns. You do custom wedding gowns. That's fantastic. And what is the nature of your dispute? Well, so we live in the city and we oftentimes will run errands together. Let the record show that Ted is laughing.

We will run errands together. record show that Ted is laughing We will run errands together It is now dawning on him what's going to happen The habits that within the confines of a marriage or a singledom that seem normal and run-of-the-mill like going to bed at 8.30 when you're 38 years old

when put on stage are going to to, you know, under the scrutiny of the people of Chicago, are going to feel a little bit strange. So let's hear about his weirdsy. Yes. So we will run errands together, and Ted prefers to drive, so I let him do the driving, and then I sit in the passenger seat and do the running into the store, grab the thing, come back. But while I'm gone, he likes to be sitting there, you know, in the alley or double parked or whatever and fire up a live online game. On his phone? On his phone.

Is this what is referred to here as boat game? Yes, boat game. Is that something all the kids are playing? Boat game? Yeah. Battle Bay. What is it? It's called Battle Bay.

It's by Rovio and the same people that make Angry Birds. Oh, okay. Thank you very much. I hope those guys enjoy those sales that I get in a part of. I'll just buzz market it again and say pre-signed editions of Vacationland are available. And courtesy Women and Children First Bookstore right there in the lobby. of Vacationland are available. Courtesy Women and Children First bookstore right there in the lobby. And I will be

accepting cash payments. No services rendered. I don't want to hear the description of Boat Game, but the point is that when you start Boat Game, you just can't stop. It needs to finish. And you start boat game, you just can't stop. Right.

It needs to finish. And you make Rachel wait for you. Yes. So you've gone on your errand. You're like, I've got to go get some veil material for my wedding gown. I've got to go to what kind of material? Is that tulle? Is that tulle? Yes. I've got to go to the tulle

shed. I just invented a new business. It's a big box store. It sells only tool. And then you come out. It shares a strip mall with the Wally ball court. I love it and then you come out

it is good Ted thank you very much organza stravaganza I didn't hear it organza stravaganza organza stravaganza these are actual types of fabric that would be in wedding gowns these aren't just types of fabric

specificity folks types of fabric that would be in wedding gowns. These aren't just types of fabric. Specificity, folks. So you got your five bolts of tulle under your arm, you put them in your hatchback, and Ted's like, I can't go, I gotta play boat game for another, how long does it take? Well, like sometimes five to ten minutes. Five to ten minutes. Why can't people wait five minutes for anything

anymore? He tells me that he... Yeah, Ted, with all due respect, just pee in the kitchen sink. What is the reasoning for not saving the game and pausing and doing it later? He doesn't want to lit down his guild.

It's live. It's a live game. I can't pause it. He likes to have respect for others. What do you do while he's boat gaming? I sit there and stare at him. Yeah. I consider that punishment enough. I sentence

you to time served, time stared. But you can wait five to ten minutes to finish Boat Game. He's driving you around. This is the sound of a gap. Hey! No! Thank you, Chicago.

Rachel and Ted, please welcome Dan and Jen. I got some of that Philadelphia back, didn't I? Bring on your batteries. I don't care. You ever hear, you ever be on a boat and your air horn? Pew, pew, pew!

Who are you? I am Jen. Hello, Jen. And you are, sir? I'm Jen. Hello, Jen. And you are, sir? I'm Dan. And you are Dan. And Dan, one moment, please. Sorry, I had to...

Right, all right. Oh, yeah. Dan and Jen, hello. I know your names. It's nice to meet you. Dan, you bring Jen to this court seeking justice. What is the nature of your dispute? Well, Judge, I love my wife very much,

but she likes to walk around the house watching shows about murder on her iPad without headphones. I see. Are you a fan of true crime? Yes, very much. What kind of shows are you watching? It ranges.

It could be anything from... The boat game murders? Yes. If that existed, maybe. Right. Anything from forensic files to criminal minds to how to get away with murder. I'm not picky.

Anything to do with murder. Crime, like solving crime. Crime and true crime. So not do with murder. Crime. Like solving crime. Crime and true crime. So not always just murder, but... You listen to that great podcast, My Favorite Murder? I love that podcast. The podcast. Probably one of my favorites. Yeah. And that's people talking about murders, right?

Right. Not reenacting murders. Correct. Now, Karen has murdered a few people. But that was back when she worked on Ellen. It was part of the hazing. Dan, you don't like hearing these true crimes. What disturbs you about these true crime things? She's watching them on a tablet?

Yeah, on an iPad. We have a TV downstairs. iPad, that's an Apple computer product. Yeah, it's like a generic Surface. I know. Forgive him. Forgive him, Apple. Hey, Siri, why didn't I bring my Surface on stage?

Oh, Father Tim Cook, please forgive him. I am still here for you. Call me. Call me. Okay, so she's wandering around with her tablet, her iPad tablet, and I hear the sound on those is pretty good. Yeah, it's pretty loud. And you find the sound of it distracting? Disturbing? Yeah, as a non-viewer, especially I don't see it coming, And you find the sound of it distracting? Disturbing? Yeah. As a non-viewer, especially I don't see it coming,

neither do the victims, but just the sound of screaming victims is very disturbing to me. Wise-acre-ness has never been a good look for husbands on this show. That was a pretty good turn of phrase. If I know my true crime shows, he'll be murdering soon. He is wearing a cardigan.

Let the record show, my friend Dan is wearing a somewhat serial killer-y cardigan. Wouldn't you say? Jen, you're nodding. You're the expert. Yep, I would agree. Did you bring any evidence, audio evidence of what you're hearing so that we could evaluate whether or not Jen's

habit is indeed disturbing? I did. The sound that I submitted was the audio that caused me to file the case. And what is this audio from? Do you know what the show is or the topic? This is the Netflix JonBenet Ramsey documentary.

And if you can paint us a picture, what were you doing when you heard this audio? I was sitting in the office adjacent to the bedroom where she was watching it doing work on my computer. Let's go to the tape. I find in Dan's favors, get some headphones, Jim. Dan and Jen, ladies and gentlemen.

We want to thank Ohm for joining us in Chicago. They're releasing their first full-length album later on this summer. And if you're going to be in Chicago in July, Ohm is playing at Westfest on July 8th. For more information, visit ohmmusic.com. O-H-M-M-E. Music.com. Huge thanks to the staff at Talia Hall and our pals at the Onion Comedy and Arts Festival for having us. Our show was produced in person and on tape by the great Jennifer Marmer. We're on Instagram at Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman.

We've got photos and evidence from the show posted there and on the Judge John Hodgman page at MaximumFun.org. We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. dot org. We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.