Judge John Hodgman - Live From Chicago 2018, Part 2

Episode Date: June 27, 2018

Judge John Hodgman is live in Chicago again, at Thalia Hall for the Onion Comedy and Arts Festival! "Amendment to the Constellation" plus Swift Justice disputes about dogs, farts and a special pair of newly married litigants! Plus, music from OHMME! Thank you to Colan Kennelly for suggesting this week's case! To suggest a title for a future episode, like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week's episode was recorded live at Talia Hall in Chicago. Let's go to the stage to hear our first case of the night, Amendment to the Constellation. Ladies and gentlemen of Chicago, we sent out a call for disputes and you answered. We have an amazing show planned for you tonight of Chicago Justice. Let's bring out our first set of litigants. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Issa and Lily. One of our litigants did like a full-on, just for the benefit of the at-home listener,

a full-on professional wrestling, like raised the roof on her way in. Tonight's case, Amendment to the Constellation. Issa brings the case against her partner, Lily. Lily is a Taurus, but she says that Taurus characteristics don't resonate with her. She'd like to be able to say she's an Aquarius instead. Isa doesn't think she should be able to choose her astrological sign. Who's right, who's wrong?

Only one man can decide. Please rise metaphorically as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers the obscure cultural reference. I want you to know who we are. We come from a long, proud line of Toran peasants who knew how to work the land and still stand proud.

Our last name isn't Hodgman. I changed it after I arrived here on Caprica. Our family name is Hodgmana. And it's a good, honorable Toran name. changed it after I arrived here on Caprica. Our family name is Hajmana, and it's a good, honorable Toran name. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, will you swear them in? Please raise your right hands, Isa and Lily.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that I didn't

write a joke here? Despite the fact that he's nude under his robes? There you go. Fair enough. I do. I do. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Issa and Lily, you may be seated, metaphorically, for an immediate summary judgment in one of your...

That was fantastic. For those listening at home, Issa and Lily, when I said be seated metaphorically, they both did this sort of... this little mime of seating themselves. It was fantastic. Kind of like an interpretive dance version of Little Miss Muffet. It was kind of Kind of like an interpretive dance version of Little Miss Muffet.

It was kind of a seated curtsy. Thank you very much for that. I really appreciate it. And Issa, you have a gift for this court? Yes, for your birthday. Shall we call it bribery? I would call it a birthday present. For your birthday,

I brought you an apple pie. I work at a local pie shop and I made and purchased this. Thank you very much. The court does not accept bribes. Shut your pie hole! Actually, we do accept bribes. Yeah, I'll take that pie. Pie bribes. Even though

it is a point of record that this court does not have a sweet tooth but an alcohol molar, I appreciate your gift, and I will make a hole in this pie. Judge Hodgman, I don't know if you knew this, but that is a Chicago-style apple pie, which is like a traditional apple pie,

but with sport peppers. Something called sport peppers. It's something called sport peppers. It's a deep dish pie. It's actually, the crust is five feet deep. Everyone loves eating on podcasts. That's what our focus groups tell us. Everyone loves chewing. That's a delicious

pie, delicious crust. You made it yourself? Great, I find in your favor. Jesse, do you need something to wash that down? Maybe the city spirit of Chicago? Why? Speaking as a city resident. That was good pie.

That was a delicious pie that I washed down with a swig of Jepson's Malort, Chicago's own two-fisted botanical bitter swill. Isa, that is a wonderful pie. You can really taste the jardiniere. Ladies and gentlemen listening at home, this is the late night show in Chicago. Second show of the night here at Talia Hall. And for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favorites,

can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom? Let's see. Isa, why don't you guess first? I really have no idea. Just because you said Caprica, I'm going to guess Battlestar Galactica. I know that's wrong. Let's put that in the guess book. I'm doing that. I'm going to spell it out here in pie crumbs. All right. Lily, do you have a guess? So that sounded like a fantasy or sci-fi novel. Would you like to use a lifeline?

So I know like two of those. So I'm going to say The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein. The Moon. Maybe drop my notes. The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein. The moon... I maybe dropped my notes. The moon is a harsh mistress by Robert Heinlein. I'll write that in the notes. And Issa, what did you say? You said because I said Caprica,

it's probably Battlestar Galactica. Is that correct? Because I said Caprica, it probably is Battlestar Galactica. Oh, there's one called Caprica, isn't there? Oh, too late, Issa! Yes, that was a good guess.

Lily, your guess was okay. But both, and indeed all guesses are wrong, because I was quoting from the pilot of Caprica, the prequel to Battlestar Galactica. Created by Ronald D. Moore, but later showrun and executive produced by friend of the podcast, Jane Espenson. The great Jane Espenson. The great Jane Espenson. It's a great show that you should revisit.

It's better than Ready Player One. That's right. That's right. That's right. I am throwing some shade. Man, Spielberg totally listens to this show. I know. Sorry, Steve. So, in any case, we go on to this case. Of course, the reason that I made the quote

from Caprica is that the 12 colonies in the Battlestar Galacticaverse are named for the 12 signs of the Zodiac. Isa and Lily, this is a Zodiacal dispute. Lily, you do not feel you are a Taurus, though according to your birthday you would be termed one, and you would prefer to be an Aquarius. And Isa, even though the Zodiac is all made up anyway, you feel this is wrong. Correct, I do. All right. Now, I will stipulate to this. I do not know how firmly you believe in the influence of astrology over actual day-to-day life and that sort of thing. I do not believe it to be science, but I certainly don't think that it is harmful to believe in it. So I'm going to go on

and take this as a matter of faith, that this is meaningful to you, for each of you, and that this actually is an issue of some stake for you, Lily. Why are you not a Taurus and why are you an Aquarius? And I say that as a Gemini, which means I don't know what any of these other signs mean because Gemini is the sign of self-involvement. So what's a Taurus all about and why are you not that and why are you more Aquarius? So part of this, background of this is that Isa believes in some sort of serious astrology, like done by looking at an entire chart of a person some sort of serious astrology, like done by looking at an entire chart of a person and sort of making things personalized to that person

and within the context of a reading. I don't really believe in astrology, and I only interact with it via Facebook memes and Tumblr memes, where it's very very prevalent and there are a set of stereotypes associated with the 12 signs in that meme culture, which I think Issa would also agree is meaningless. So the Taurus as an... Someone in the audience took issue with your calling meme culture meaningless. But I agree with you and not that person.

It's not meaningless to Taurus Bay. Okay. So if you look up sort of the classic stereotypes of Taurus, it's an earth sign. And their basic thing is that they're boring and stubborn. And they like everything to be the same all the time because they're so boring and stubborn. I think I am not... Issa has an objection.

Are you going to voice your objection? She's using a lot of body language to say she would like to speak right now. So I argue with the boring, but in terms of liking things the same, you carry Tabasco sauce in your purse, and own 32 scarves and wear a scarf every day. So tourist, come on. I'd also like it on record that I wear different scarves each day. That's why I have 30. One for every day of most months.

Yeah. Right. But you consider yourself more an Aquarian. What would be the personality traits of the Aquarian, as defined by Tumblr and Facebook memes especially? So Aquarian is more like, classic thing is you really want to be different. You're weird.

And you're very intellectual. And you get up in your head a lot. And you are like probably an alien robot pretending to be human. Lily, I knew it the moment I saw you. I knew you were a Cylon. No. So, you know, like a typical thing might say, like, you know, what weird thing do you believe in? And like, you know, Taurus would be like, you don't believe in anything weird because you don't like weird things.

And then Aquarius would be like, you know, you believe that the Earth is flat and inside a smaller earth. Do you have a YouTube channel that I should be watching? And so I feel... About your theory, because color me intrigued. Yeah. I did not expect this to take a turn for the Kyrie Irving. So like... A free thinker. Yeah.

And also like I was sort of just rereading over the summary and it was also like that you have a lot of empathy and care deeply for people. And I was just like, as I was reading that sort of, especially compared to the Taurus, like I know that, you know, you show a vague description and everyone thinks it's about them, but like Aquarius just

feels so accurate to me. Like I want to be weird. I'm very intellectual. I'm in my head all the time. It just feels perfect. You felt a deep, instinctive, heart attraction to Aquarius, and that offends Issa's devotion to the hard science of astrology that says you're born a Taurus and you are a Taurus forever.

Is that correct, Issa? Do I misspeak your position? Please defend yourself. You do not. So a little background about... Oh, I don't. Okay. Okay, hold on.

Astrology is not exactly a hard science. I don't think anybody can disagree with that. So I am a practicing witch and I was raised pagan. Wow, you were raised pagan. I was raised pagan. So your parents also pagan? My father is. Wow, you were raised pagan. I was raised pagan. So your parents also pagan? My father is. Right, okay.

And my mom was never actively pagan. My mom was the pope. But was never actively pagan, but she did really believe in astrology and she, when I was growing up, did astrological charts professionally. Like she was paid money for that. And is your mom still alive and in your life?

She is still alive. I don't speak to her very often, but she is still alive. So you would not suggest that she do Lily's charts, for example? She would not be a neutral authority that you would turn to if I were to order in your favor and have Lily do her whole chart? No, I think she could be. Okay, so that's a resource?

That is a resource. That is on the table. Is there anyone in the audience who does astrological charts? I mean, sincerely, works on that stuff? I. I, back there. Okay, so we have another resource. What is your name? Sata. I couldn't make it out. I'm sorry.

Sata. Sata. All right, good. That's a real solid astrological chart doing name. Thank you. We can bring the house lights back down. Thank you, Sata. Will you stand by in case we have more questions? If we had heard, like, Frank. Let's go for a different person. It's me, Al. Big Al.

Hey, it's me, Big Al. I'm doing a chance. You haven't heard my ads on AM radio in Chicago. Go Sox! Okay. So, you were saying, you were raised, so

may I just follow up for a moment? Sure. So when you say that you are a practicing witch and you're raised pagan, I've known people in my life who describe themselves as members of the Wiccan religion. Is that something that you identify with or is that a separate path? Wicca is a form of neo-paganism. It is not the form that I take. I would describe my religion as Hellenic eclecticism. Is that just Wonder Woman? Thank you for clearing that up. What did you just say? I said, is that Wonder Woman? Thank you for clearing that up. What did you just say?

I said, is that Wonder Woman? And so what does your practice of faith look like in your daily life? What is involved? Daily life, I mean, I don't think it terribly affects my daily life. For me, prayer takes the form of ritual. Daily life, I mean, I don't think it terribly affects my daily life. I will, for me, prayer takes the form of ritual. Generally, I have two altars set up in my house to two different gods that I worship. Are you able to share what gods those are? Yes.

So, Asclepius, who is the Greek god of healing and medicine. Okay. He and Hecate actually share an altar. Hecate is a Greek goddess of magic and medicine. He and Hecate actually share an altar. Hecate is a Greek goddess of magic and the crossroads. And then in my kitchen, I have an altar to Hestia, who is the goddess of the hearth and the home and of cooking and baking.

I like those gods. That's a good kitchen god. I have an altar in my kitchen to Griswold, the patron saint of cast-iron pans. Cool. And so this is something that you take seriously. You believe that there is forces beyond?

I do. Okay. People who are religious tend to. So I just... Yes. This is not an esoteric practice just for fun. It is actually an expression of belief. Correct.

So astrologically, you believe that there is something to astrology. Astrology is something I've gone back and forth on throughout the course of my life. Kind of like a Gemini. I don't even know if that's true. No. Right. I'm wrong. Because I was...

I took a guess. I took a guess. But I mean, to be fair, John, it's classic Hellenic eclecticism. Which, by the way, I recently hired an interior designer and I said I want to do all Hellenic eclectic. I'm sorry, I don't mean

to be rude to your man. Let the record show that Issa is laughing. Quietly, patiently. Because I was really raised surrounded by astrology, so it's been part of my life for a long time. And the thing is that, so in astrology, there are three signs that are important.

You can kind of sum up a person with their sun, moon, and ascendant signs. Yes. of sum up a person with their sun, moon, and ascendant signs. Yes. And my three signs, when I tell them to somebody who both knows astrology very well and knows me well, they start laughing because they describe me so well. Mm-hmm. And because of that, it's like really hard for me to completely write it off. You feel that it is not substance-less at the very least.

Correct. It is not substance-less, at the very least. Correct. It is not substanceless. Now, I don't think that our personalities are created by the placement in the stars. Right. I think that we can look at this and see a reflection of our personalities, and even if it is completely nonsense,

it's still a good tool of introspection. And so why do you feel it's important that Lily adhere to being a Tauron, in Caprican terms, or a Taurus, as opposed to being an Aquarius? Does Taurus describe her better than Aquarius? Or is it merely that this is what it is? You were born during this period of the year and you don't get to choose? Well, no one person... So the signs kind of represent stereotypes or archetypes, and no one person just typifies that sign. Lily definitely has Taurean traits and Aquarian traits, but she does have Taurean traits. There is Taurus in her, and I don't know, looking at her chart, I would be completely unsurprised if she had Aquarius rising or Aquarius moon. Right.

But there must be something that offends you about her decision to be an aquarium through memes and Facebook and so forth, or else we wouldn't be here having this dispute. Right. I guess... What is your sign?

So I am a Cancer sun, Pisces Moon, Virgo Rising. Right. So that's, first of all, very specific. I'm laughing because it describes you perfectly. Let the record show that Issa is also laughing silently, patiently. If I ever have to sum that up for people, as I do right now, I like to say that that describes someone who on the outside seems very organized and on the inside is a waterfall of pure feelings.

And so your sign is not the kind of person who would gin up a dispute just to be on a podcast. You have to care about this. And I do care about this. Please tell me why does it matter to you how Lily defines herself on Tumblr and Facebook and so on? Because it does feel personal to me and it does intersect

with my religion and that's definitely part of it. But the other is that as someone who deeply cares about Lily I feel like she's kind of losing a really interesting tool of introspection by just dismissing this and if she took a holistic look at her chart it could be really interesting for

her but also another thing is that I see really positive Torian traits in Lily that I don't think she necessarily sees in herself, and her rejecting them makes me kind of sad. Like, I feel like she is a really stable, dependable, hardworking person, which are really Torian things, and her just rotely rejecting that makes me feel like she's rejecting that part of herself.

Lily, Isa thinks you're rejecting a natural part of yourself. How does that make you feel? Okay, so I do, those are definitely Torian traits, and those also are not traits that I necessarily see in myself, so she is in fact right about that.

And Isa, you're asking, if I were to rule in your favor, you're not asking that Lily necessarily identify as Taurus, but to just have her chart done in whatever full and complete and responsible, as you say, holistic way, just to gain the benefit that you think she might get from such a reading, right? That is correct. If she looks at her chart, has it interpreted, we have a conversation about it, and she, after that, is really

insistent that, yeah, I'm going to say I'm an Aquarius, then okay. What's involved in doing one of these charts? I don't know. I don't know anything about this. Well, the first step is that we have to find her birth certificate because to... Well, I happen to have it right here. Surprise, Lily.

Somewhere in our apartment. We broke into your house and went through your files. Because leading up to this podcast, I texted Lily's mother and was like, hey, do you know what time she was born? And she said it was a cesarean section. I have no idea. Does that affect the zodiac sign? No.

No. No. Because time of birth is important, right? And if you are a cesarean, the time of birth is chosen rather than defined by fate. Currently, as charts are interpreted, as far as my mom has told me, it doesn't make a difference. But time of birth is needed to do a chart. Is that correct? Time of birth is needed for the rising sign, which is one of the three most important pieces, and for a few other pieces that are less important that I don't understand as much.

Do you resist the idea of doing this full chart reading, etc.? My feeling is that it's an 11 out of 12 chance that it's not Aquarius and then I'm sort of where I am still like I haven't gained anything and then I risk my I lose my ability to just you know sort of like use this card like well I might be Aquarius rising you don't know if anyone calls me on having a birthday and a sign that don't match. But also, I would argue it's, you know, an Aquarian. My Aquarian wants to be different and, you know, wants to engage in astrology

in the weird way by choosing your sign rather than the boring way of acknowledging that your rising sign is important. Oh, there is a lot of body language coming from Issa right now. Issa, go. Okay, I have a refute to that which is that a thing about Tauruses... Sustained.

A thing about Tauruses is they like doing things when they have their way, they like doing things when they have their way, they like doing things that way, and choosing their own way to understand astrology, and then stubbornly sticking to it is the most Taurian thing I've

ever heard. The fact that we are here proves my point. She's so Aquarian that she's Taurian. But it does seem to me, Lily, that you feel that if the chart were done in the way that Issa would have it done

and it showed that indeed you were fully rising Torrin, then now all of a sudden you couldn't in good conscience call yourself Aquarian. There would be a rule all of a sudden. Right now you're existing in this limbo state where no one's actually pegged you down as Tauren exactly,

so you're free to call yourself Aquarian. Is that right? Yeah, and it still sort of, like, wouldn't... Like, I don't know. I can't speak to, you know, how it would be as an introspection tool since I'm fighting it. But it would still leave me with the thing that sort of the jokes about Tauruses are about them being sort of like

stubborn and set in routine. And like jokes about Tauruses do not describe behaviors that I identify with where Aquarian jokes do. Wouldn't it be more Aquarian just say like, yeah, you can take my chart. If I don't like it, forget it. The earth is flat within another earth. I mean,

the jokes about cancers are about them being clingy balls of unstable feelings that stalk their exes, which I kind of resent, but like... You've stalked stalk their exes, which I kind of resent, but like... You've stalked a few exes. It's still my sign. Like I read that on my ex's Facebook page.

So, so here's a very postmodern take, but... You go, Aquarius. post-modern take, but... You go, Aquarius. I think I at some times gain some of the same sort of introspectional benefits from

Aquarian memes that Iso wants me to get from a real astrology because a lot of the negative Aquarius stereotypes are also things that I see myself doing, like intellectualizing emotions or not letting yourself feel something in the moment, and so that becomes a social way to notice that. I can totally relate, Judge Hodgman, to the feeling of getting that introspection from memes.

I feel like I get the same benefit from that animated gif of LeBron James picking up his purse and leaving the press conference. I don't know what the memes are that you're talking about. Can you illuminate me on what an Aquarian meme might be? Well, the memes are a list of all the signs and then like a sentence about them. Right. I'm making fun of each one.

Oh, okay. Or they might like connect them to a character in a television show. Or like sometimes there might be one that's like three problems that each sign has. And then there's like one for each. And this is just stuff you post on Facebook and Tumblr and that sort of thing. Yeah, and then basically the intention is that all of your friends would be like, oh my God, that's so me. Right.

But in this case, Issa's saying, oh my God, that is so not you. And Raven's saying, oh my God, that's so Raven. This is a difficult one. So if I were to rule in your favor, so you would have me order Lily to have her chart read professionally or however you want to term it, holistically, right?

And deal with the consequences of that however she were to do it, right? Correct. And if she were to get that chart and then still say, I still feel more Aquarius than anything else, would you be satisfied? I would be satisfied. That would be her prerogative. I see. And Lily, if I were to rule in your favor, what would you have me rule?

That I get to call myself an Aquarius, and that if I ever decide that I am interested in exploring myself through astrology, which is not an impossible thing, because I have become interested in a lot of the things that Isa does, then at that point only would I then, of my own prerogative, find my whole chart. So you would continue to identify as Aquarius so far as memes are concerned. But if and when you're ready to take it more seriously,

then you might do it, but it's your choice. Yes. Is that what you're saying? That would be my ideal. So you have a response? I have one question. How are you going to explain to people when you're saying you're an Aquarius

and you're celebrating your birthday in April? Most people don't know or care. And the ones who do make that connection, they're like, oh, but if that's your birthday, you're not an Aquarius, then it becomes a conversation piece. That's my feeling. It's mostly going to be an issue at Wiccan

gatherings or on the back of Earth, Wind & Fire albums. I will freely admit that when explaining this, because I have a lot of queer and trans friends and making jokes about queer and trans things, I often explain this as that I was

coercively assigned Taurus at birth. But I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to go over here into my chambers and I'll be back in a moment with my

decision. Lily, can I ask what your birthday is? April 24th. Yes! We're birthday buddies! Woo! Birthday buddies! Oh, Jesse?

Let the record show that. Belated happy birthday. I guess so my first question is, Isa, what's it like to have a dumb birthday? I mean, just like compared to Lily. I love my birthday. It's on Friday the 13th

sometimes. It's pretty good. Including the actual birthday. Yeah. I was born on Friday the 13th as well. Lily, as a person who shares a birthday with, if I remember correctly, Barbara Streisand and my friend Maria Calpito from college, how do you feel about your chances in the case? Both of us are presenting reasonable arguments that could be found reasonably.

And I am not sure which one will be the winner. Oh my god. Did you see Isa's face just now? She tried to turn away from you. Isa, how are you feeling? Astrology is something personal to me that I would really

like to share with my partner. it would be great if it's in my favor. I don't really think the odds are great because I feel like this might fall into the you like what you like rule. It is very personal. But I'm hoping. I can't believe we're birthday buddies. It's like 1 in 30 odds. I was like, she was like, well, she's a Taurus. I'm like, I'm a Taurus. And she's

like, born in April. There's like only so many Taurus days in April. I'm like, well, one in eight chance or whatever. Yeah. We rule. I also do want to share, so that, you know, Isa shared that her religion is described as Hellenic eclecticism. And I just want to put out there that mine, I call liberation mysticism. I want to clarify, because that's not clear, that that is a form of Christianity, though.

Yeah, so it's normal. Wow. Well, my religion is Hodgmanic judgment, so let's see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all of this. So it's normal. Lily, that was a tack I did not expect you to take. Yeah, my only regret was that I didn't have my air horn, Andy. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.

Pondery play. But I mean, I was in my chambers, which is to say, sitting behind the podium here at Thalia Hall in Chicago, contemplating the mystery of creation. I don't think that it sunk in appropriately that Lily and Jesse Thorne share a birthday. How did that happen? That's magical. And Barbara Streisand, if I'm remembering correctly. And even though

I predicated this whole discussion with my conviction that astrology is not science, I feel challenged to learn more about your faith pathways,

Isa, and to check out the god or goddess of baking and cooking? Maybe set up a... What do you do at that altar there? What's your ritual? Just season cast iron pans. That's what Hodgman's hoping you'll answer. I mean, I'm trying to see if I

can get tax-free status for seasoning cast iron pans. He wants to deduct the oven cleaner. On that altar, I keep a mortar and pestle and some candles and incense. I pray in front of that altar. I have garlic hung over it, which is really cool.

Sure, and plus no vampires. And we also have Sata, if I'm pronouncing your name correctly. I think it's pronounced Frank. These are not Frank. We have someone. Do you want to weigh in? Is Lily an Aquarian or a Tauren from your expert point of view?

Well, you might consider this. I think we might share a trait. a trait, and many of our queer brethren sometimes take a rebirth chart in addition to a natural birth chart. Shh! No, I mean, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I need to hear this because she isn't on mic. Or he, or they. I don't know. It's not a joke.

I just don't know gender. He him, thanks. You're welcome. So you were saying he him. So if that is an applicable trait you play, you might consider whether or not you have a second book time. So what Santa said for the at-home listener is that for a lot of queer people, they take a second chart that involves a rebirth.

And that that might reflect different signs. How do you respond to that, Lily? Issa had a lot of facial expressions. Well, that would... So, slightly delicate. You came out in late August. I think you're not a Leo. But, um... But it might be worth...

And just for the clarity of the listener at home who might not be here, you used she and her pronouns. Would you say you are a trans person? I want to ask in the most respectful way how you consider yourself. I would describe myself, trans woman is sort of like just what I say

sort of most of the time just to sort of get across. If I'm like with someone who sort of like maybe like knows terms better, I might say like femme, gender fluid. But trans woman is fine. Well, I appreciate your sharing that. Just so that people understand. Absolutely, yeah.

It's a whole topic that I am glad to be learning more and more of every day and understanding better every day. But I only meant to bring it up, I hope that it didn't make you uncomfortable, but to clue in people who are listening in the audience that when Issa says you came out in late August,

this is what we're talking about to some degree. Is that correct? Do I understand correctly? Correct. Another thing that just came to mind... But what she was saying was basically you came out in late August, so this whole rebirth thing is...

Hold on! Hold on! I have something. But also, we wouldn't have any certificate that has a time of when you came out, but we do have your name change certification,

and that was in March, which would be Pisces, which is definitely more fitting. Definitely a water sign. Yes. I think it's a water sign. Yes. Right? That was... I think it's a picture of some fish. Yeah.

I have a freakish weird memory. I think it was like March 13th of 2015, which I believe is Pisces. And we have your name change documents, so we do have a time on that. So if you wanted to claim a rebirth, we could use that if you wanted to. But then she would only be a Pisces.

We still don't know. Aquarius is still off the table. Yeah, none of this happened in January. Is there anything important you've done during Aquarius' time? With great respect, you are a harsh witch. You follow the rules.

Born on Friday the 13th. Come on, Issa. You're fantastic. Issa, what's the calendar period for Aquarius? The calendar period for Aquarius is January 21st to February 21st. How do you respond to the idea of a rebirth chart? It's super interesting. That would require a lot of thought about

feelings of to what extent I feel I am continuous versus changed, and how much I like the image of rebirth. So that would be sort of a very personal thing that I would have to think about. That you might kind of get in your head about, in other words. Well, with all due respect,

this straight cis white male is going to wrap things up and give my opinion that everyone is waiting for. Finally, our voices will be heard! I feel that the only responsible verdict that I can offer is that, Lily, you do whatever you want. Isa, I have great respect for your

point of view and your religion, but I will say, first of all, from bogus legal terms, you do not have standing to bring a case against Lily because you have not been harmed or damaged in this in any way, other than whatever personal offense you take because she thinks that her religion is normal, which is offensive, but that's not litigable and second of all i think that obviously you both have a tremendous amount of affection for one another and respect for one another um but lily is going through a journey and i don't even think she's ruling out the idea that she might

have a holistic chart down the road but at at this time, she's exploring all different avenues of understanding about herself, and I see no reason to get a piece of paper to say that she's one thing or another. And indeed, I wouldn't want to rob her. I think, Sata, your suggestion was incredibly informative, I think, to this discussion, and I thank you, and I considered just assigning you a new birthday but that would be the patriarchy right so so I I this court suggests respectfully that you go ahead and and deal with your ZAB zodiac assignediac Assigned at Birth, in whatever way you feel you need to in order to get to a place where you are at your most happy.

And the same for you, Issa. I find in favor of Lily. This is the sound of a gavel. Lily and Issa, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much for being here, you guys. Appreciate it. Our thanks to Colin Kennelly for naming this case. And thanks to Issa and Lily for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Let's take a quick break from Chicago to hear about this week's sponsors. When we come back, music from the band OM. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In.

Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck, made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan, duck!

What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made-in, made in. Riders of Rohan, Duck, what about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame.

One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In.

Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit MadeInCookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound.

Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear this sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language.

It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. You're listening to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. This week's episode recorded live at the Onion Comedy and Arts Festival in Chicago. Our musical guest is the band Ohm. Their

first full-length album is called Parts. It's coming out in August on Joyful Noise Recordings. They were personally recommended to us by Jeff Tweedy of the band Wilco, and Tweedy, also one of his bands. Let's get back to the stage in Chicago to hear some music from Ohm. I'd like to say for the record that I'm a Sagittarius. I'm a Pisces. Matt? Leo. Leo. We got a Leo, so...

She ladled the conversation Skimming from the top That Emilian balloon from last year Still refuses to pass They asked her what the plan was It's really simple math She's hungry to distraction I was better hanging half

And I want a new icon I want a new icon I want a new icon, I want a new icon, I want a new icon I want a new icon, I want a new icon, I want a new icon She rounded out her edges To be soft and diffuse To be soft and diffuse That demilium balloon from last year still hasn't found a better use The second toe went numb

She kicked the grizzly sash She kicked the grizzly sun She's telling a list of terrible things She doesn't need to buy until you die Buy until you die Buy until you die Buy until you die Buy until you die Buy until you die

And I want a new icon I want a new icon I want a new icon I want a new icon, I want a new icon, I want a new icon. I want a new icon, I want a new oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I want a new icon I want a new icon I want a new icon I want a new icon

I want a new icon I want a new icon I want a new icon I want a new icon I want a new icon, I want a new icon I want a new icon, I want a new icon I want a new icon I want a new icon, I want a new icon I want a new icon I'm gonna make you cry We'll see you next time. But when they all sink and drown You don't know it You don't know it You don't know it But they know that you won't ask them how

Cut down the branches Make a twig out of the family tree Open the roots and send the ashes to infirmary You don't know it You don't know it You don't know it You don't know it Why is there water in my eye?

Water in my eye Water in my eye Water in my eye Why is there water in my eye? Water in my eye Water in my eye water in my eye, water in my eye, water in my eye, water in my eye? Why is it snowing on me? I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer

I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer I'm not a killer, eat a John Why is there water in my eye? Water in my eye, water in my eye, water in my

Why is there water in my eye? Water in my eye, water in my eye, water in my Why is it snowing? Oh, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, you guys have a record album coming out, correct? What is the name of the album? The name of the album is Parts. Parts. And how can we find out more about that record album, that long-playing

record album that I want to hear? At ohmmusic.com. O-H-M-M-E. It's a weird name. O-H-M-M-E music.com. And thanks for having us. Happy birthday, man. Happy birthday. Thank you very much. You guys are so amazing. Thanks for being here. Seema, Macy, and Matt.

Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there?

Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O.

Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Judge Hodgman. That is me. Or I. Chicago is a city of millions.

That's true. It's a world metropolis. And it's known as the unjust city. That's true. Because it lacks sufficient justice. It's known as the unjust city. That's true. Because it lacks sufficient justice. It's known as the metropolis without laws. That's why we've come here, to provide justice. Here we are, but we have limited time left.

We've been here for a long time and we've only delivered one justice. Let's see how many more justices we can deliver within a 15 minute time period, shall we? I think we can do three justices in 15 minutes. Do? I think we can do three justices in 15 minutes. Do you guys think we can do three justices in 15 minutes? Thus begins a segment we call Swift Justice. Please welcome to the stage Brad and Kiara. Brad and Kiara, how are you? Wonderful.

Actually, because it's my birthday at midnight. Really? Birthday buddies! Birthday buddies! What the hell is happening tonight? That's how you get chosen for this show. Oh my goodness. It's like the Griswold God has looked down at both of us.

Do you like cast iron pans? I don't know, actually. Really? I've never used one. Maybe you are wrong about your birthday. Yeah. Well, all right, Brad and Kiara, am I pronouncing your name correctly?

Yes, thank you. What is the nature of your dispute? Who brings this case before me? I suppose I do. At least you have the courage of your conviction. Yeah, sorry to be a burden, ma'am. Okay, well, so we have this amazing dog. We love her.

Thank you. They don't even know her. And she's soft and... You don't even know her. You just wait. Not like I do. And she's soft and cuddly and smart and beautiful and everything. And we love her, but she has one...

Is she a good dog? She's a good dog. Who's a good dog? She's a good dog. What is her name? Lucille. Lucille the dog. What kind of dog is she?

A mix of stuff? She's a mix of stuff. We did get her DNA tested. Are you interested? Yes. Sure. Okay, we? Yes. Sure. We only have five minutes. I want to hear Lucille's 23 and me. Half American Eskimo,

quarter Dalmatian, and a quarter miscellaneous hunting dog. I do have a photo. Wait a minute. It's evidence, though. This now is pandering to this court, because people have been sending Jesse Thorne photos of animals. Judge Hodgman, I hate to interject here, but I

have to get something off my chest. I've become known not without reason as the guy who laughs uncontrollably when you show him a picture of a cute animal. And for that reason, many people have been sending me on the internet pictures of their pets.

Sure. Because I told them to do it. Now, Judge Hodgman, many of these pets are adorable. And I will admit that I'll be in line at the doctor's office looking at Twitter, and I will laugh uncontrollably at a cute picture of someone's pet. However, I must be frank. Sometimes it's just a golden retriever, and he's not even doing anything. Oh.

And it's not that golden retrievers aren't cute. It's late nights here in Chicago. We're going to have some hard truths come out. Like, all golden retrievers are good dogs. You're not saying they're bad dogs. I'm not saying they're bad dogs. They're good dogs. I got bitten by a golden retriever. So he was a good dog. Golden retrievers, bad dogs. You're not saying they're bad dogs. I'm not saying they're bad dogs. They're good dogs. I got bitten by a golden retriever. Oh, wow.

So he was a good dog. Golden retriever's bad. Bad dogs. No, he was a good dog. I'm just saying that, like, give me something. Have it eating a birthday cake or something. You know what I mean? Like, I want to...

I'm not a machine. Yeah. I have a soul. The dog should be doing something funny or be scruffy you've taken in too much cute animal imagery on the internet your tolerance is higher than it used to be like what if it was wearing one of those

green visor caps and you were pretending it was an accountant well I haven't even heard what the dispute is but I know you have a photo of Lucille the dog here Well, I haven't even heard what the dispute is, but I know... And that's our time. You have a photo of Lucille the dog here. And, nope, hold it, please. Hold.

I am going to decide... Stay. Stay. Stay. I don't like to refer to humans that way. I'm going to allow... I have an idea of how I'm going to rule on this case. But what is the dispute?

The dispute is that despite the fact that Lucille is otherwise perfect, she is not a cuddler. Right. And she likes to stay on the other side of the couch or an arm's length away so I can pet her chest while she lifts her nose up in the air. We don't need to relive this. Just please describe what's happening. And so, you know, I like to cuddle dogs. You want a new dog that cuddles. I want an additional dog that cuddles.

A separate cuddling dog. I do want a second cuddling dog. If you want, you can have my second dog, Sissy, who frankly cuddles too much. Oh. Not something I know anything about. If you want, you can have my second dog, Sissy, who frankly cuddles too much. Not something I know anything about. You do have the support of a smattering of applause of dog hoarders in this audience. Birthday buddy, you obviously do not want another dog.

What are your reasons for not wanting this other dog? Well, I have a special relationship with Lucille because she was a stray and she was actually living under a porch at the school I used to teach at. Oh. Are you a teacher still? I am not. What do you do now? I am the music director for a church for college students.

Oh, cool. Excellent. And so... Wait, a church for college students? Does that just mean that you always turn your chair backwards and rap with them? That's our number one way of meeting people. You're like, it's part church and part cafe. Let's hang.

The church for college students, a.k.a. the religion of weed eclecticism. Close enough. So I left out snacks for Lucille for a couple weeks and eventually trapped her and took her to the Humane Society where we adopted her. And so having this story, I just feel like our relationship is special and it feels like she's not enough and it would dilute that relationship.

It feels... You feel that she is enough, but Takiyara not enough. No, no, no, no. Look... Because Lucille has a very special relationship with my birthday buddy over here. And you resent it and you want your own dog.

Is that why people have second children? Yes. Actually, I think this would be doing Lucille a favor because then I wouldn't bother her so much with my need to cuddle. This would relieve her. Is there any logistical reason as to why this extra dog would be a burden in your lives?

I do the majority of the dog walking and I'm a little concerned about the responsibility of walking two dogs at once. You do not live in Chicago, but in Detroit. Yes, we're actually on vacation. Fantastic. Thank you. And when you, in Detroit,

just a quick question about feces handling. Are you required to, right? That's all major cities now. You have to pick up after your dog, correct? I don't know the law, but I do it out of good neighborliness. If I were to order you to get a second dog, Kiara, would you be willing to handle

all of that dog's feces, 100%? Ooh. Would you be willing to handle all of that dog's feces 100%? Ooh. I would love to. I might need to quit my job for the afternoon walk. But I'm okay with that. I can do that if you roll.

You're going to quit your job? I mean, for the cuddled dog. For the cuddling dog, I don't know. What is your job? I work for one of the big three auto companies. Well, yeah, but you have to keep your job because he... He's a musician. He's a musician. He's a musician for college Christians.

All right, let me see this photo. You got more than one photo? I have a second one specifically because she's doing something kind of funny. All right, well, let's use that one. Okay. This is Lucille. Yes. Don't show Jesse.

I did not show Jesse. And the photo I have is we very briefly fostered a puppy, and Lucille's face shows how she feels about other dogs. Let the record show that I'm sharing this evidence with Jesse Thorne. Let the record show that I'm sharing this evidence with Jesse Thorne. Jesse Thorne, this is a photo of Lucille. She's going like... She's raising the roof.

This is what I'm talking about. She's doing a thing. Just have the dog do a funny thing because it's like people go like this for whatever but dogs don't need to go like that she throws her hands up in the air it's not hands but she's acting like it's hands

and let the record show that I'm showing this piece of evidence this is Lucille in her crate with another dog that they fostered for a period of time. Is that correct? Yes. If a picture could speak a thousand words when a dog can speak no words, this is it. Jesse Thorne. These photos will be shared on the Judge John Hodgman page at MaximumFun.org and also our Instagram,

which is Instagram.com John Hodgman. Here, you can take this and pass it around. Thank you very much. Did you tell... When you got the puppy, did you just say to Lucille, the puppy will be sharing your most special places.

It's here to replace you. How old is Lucille? We think she is about six. All right, this is the sound of a gabble. Lucille deserves to be alone for several more years. I'm sorry, Kiara. You have brought someone into your house.

It is clear from that photo she does not want a friend. You need to repair your relationship with Lucille and learn to appreciate her for herself. I do not deny you the opportunity to get a cat, however. Judge Hodgman, Judge Hodgman, I need your gavel for a second. Stand by. Extra gaveling. Brad, I rule against you wearing a crew neck undershirt with an open necked dress shirt.

I knew that was going to happen. Yes, with that penalty, I do say happy birthday. You must wait some time before you get a new dog. All right, who do we have next, Jesse Thorne? We have Sarah and Tyler. Sarah and Tyler. Sarah and Tyler, we know each other already. You wrote with your dispute to me,

and I determined that I would resolve it in the pages of the New York Times Magazine, where I have a Judge John Hodgman columnette. Do me a favor, you guys. Would you all write to your parents and tell them that Judge John Hodgman is also a podcast?

No one who reads the New York Times Magazine knows that this is a podcast. So please go tell your moms and dads. There's also a podcast, and they're like, we don't know how to make a podcast work, and it doesn't matter. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and give them money. Now, I said that I would rule in the magazine,

and I did so, and I ordered you to not read my ruling so that we could discuss it here fresh. So now I have to ask you, did you respect my order to not ever read the failing New York Times? No, I read it several times and shared it with all of my friends. Yo, you disobeyed my order.

I also read it. What? Sarah, if you will, quickly recap what the nature of this dispute is. My boyfriend Tyler's farts are so bad that... Stand by. Please repeat. I apologize for the audience. Audience, hold on. Sarah, let her rip.

My boyfriend Tyler's farts are so bad it impedes my ability to both eat and sleep in my own home. And you claim that they are so bad because why? And by bad, you do not mean loud, you mean they smell bad. Correct. They smell so bad, like raw sewage. And the reason for this, your hypothesis was? Protein intake in the form of protein shakes.

I see. And I did some research on this subject, and as I wrote in the New York Times Magazine, I used to write for a men's lifestyle magazine, Men's Journal, the magazine of men's journaling. So it's been a while since I've had the pleasure to research male food and farts. From a nutritional point of view, I can verify that the phenomenon you described, Sarah, is real.

Chicago dudes in the audience going, yep. And there are actual techniques for ameliorating Tyler's protein stink, including seeking out lower-weight protein powers, a.k.a. cutting the cheese. I'm a dad. He may enjoy researching these tricks, as they will offer him even more narcissistic science experiments to perform on his own body. Short of this, however, the court can offer you no relief.

It is Tyler's own ketosis-toned body, and smelling it may be the price you pay for sleeping next to it. There are plenty of normal carb-farting fellows you could choose instead of Tyler. And yet you are still together. I see. Yes. Right. So I ruled in Tyler's favor.

Fart away. But have you considered Tyler? You can, you may now speak or fart. Um, so I did stop someone told me that they thought that the problem was like consuming really low quality super cheap protein powder that was way so but i know you said you said less dairy right but i also just decided to drink these protein shakes that are like, it's just milk.

It's just like super protein-y milk. And has that affected the problem in any way, Sarah? I mean, I don't care what you think. She's the one who has to live with it. Is it better or worse? It's the same. The same. Is it possible that it has nothing to do with what he's putting into his body,

that he just farts bad all the time? Was there a time when you knew him when his farts were more tolerable? Was this an issue of as you got to know each other better and over time, he just started farting in front of you and you're like, oh, that's no good. I can't remember the first fart that offended me so much. Well, how do you even know you're in love then? I mean, I'm sticking through all of these science experiments he's performing to alleviate the fart problem and maintain this desire to eat so much protein.

Tyler, is it possible that you have a problem with butt health? It could be possible. I've never asked a doctor. But maybe I should. Or a judge. Do you? We don't have any kind of... They are kind of the same thing.

Six of one, half dozen of the other. I was asked to bring a sample, but unfortunately I could not produce. Can you fart right now for this court? I don't think I can. I'm prepared to hold you in contempt of court. Produce the evidence, sir! I don't think I can do it.

I don't think so. Let the record show, for those listening at home, that Tyler is very handsome and very fit. Yeah. My question for Tyler mainly is that I sometimes drink protein shakes. How come I ain't cute like you?

Yeah. Like I'm, I'm more, I'm a little worried about how good you look, Tyler, honestly, because you, you kind of,

you're in this uncanny Valley between fit adult male and 16-year-old. This is a pretty common thing. I am 27 years old, and people often ask me if I am 16. You've got a glow, buddy. Yeah, this is weird. And you should be, Sarah, you should be very happy. I mean, he seems to have a nice personality as well. He's perfect in every way but one.

Right. But, you know, if he has already adjusted his diet, according to my orders in the New York Times Magazine, and there has been no alleviation of the problem, it may never change. Judge Hodgman! You know... Yes?

You know friend of the court Mary Roach, right? I do, yes, of course. The author of numerous hilarious, fascinating, and edifying books about some of the grosser and more interesting parts of science.

Yes. In her book, Gulp, about the elementary canal, she writes extensively on the subject of... That's the eating and pooping part. Yeah. She writes extensively on the subject of effluents. Yes.

And she writes that there are, in fact, commercially available pills which neutralize the smell of farts. These are not popular, at least according to their inventor, primarily because people think their farts don't stink Tyler You think your fart don't stink?

I think You're looking at me right now thinking your fart don't stink, right? I think it does smell bad You little 16 year old You think it does smell bad? So some of these teens Who think their farts don't stink I think it does smell bad. You little 16-year-old. You think it does smell bad? So sick of these teens who think their farts don't stink. I think it's hard to objectively not say that a fart smells bad. It smells bad, but it's not going to ruin your life.

Don't you want to change this in your life? Sarah is obviously retching and gagging five times a day. I feel like I'm pretty she's wonderful as well and let the record show uh to the listening audience sarah is also incredibly uh charming and attractive i mean these two are it's frankly offensive how good looking these people are why are they listening to podcasts i know really why don't you like walking around absorbing the admiration of yeah exactly like go watch a sport and be in a commercial or something, you guys. Come on.

You don't need us. Look at us. I'm standing here in the nude and judge's robes and a beard. I'm about to turn 47. You should run as far away from us as possible. What's wrong with you? But I do order you to take those Mary Roach fart pills and continue to do whatever it takes to stop stinking up the place, Tyler. This is the sound of a gap.

Sarah and Tyler. I have been handed by Sarah a home-illustrated oven mitt with an illustration of a human bottom farting it's it's for all your Griswold pans happy birthday judge John Hodgman my mom made that your mom made this thank you very in the audience now. Thank you very much, Mom. It is also... It is also... It has the motto,

you can't handle the toot on it. Thank you. Thank you very much. Please welcome Eileen and Kalyan. Is that right, Kalyan? Did. Is that right, Cullian? Did I get that right pronunciation-wise? Oh, yes. Nailed it. Eileen and Cullian, you have a dispute,

but you also have a story about how you met. Is that not right? Yes, that's correct. What is the story of how you met? So five years ago, I had a dating website profile that mentioned my love of this podcast. That's right. A certain person... One person replied.

One person, yes. One person replied about this thing in particular, yes. Saying, oh, a John Hodgman reference. And they said, I love podcasts. Have you heard Serial? No. Saying, oh, a John Hodgman reference. And they said, I love podcasts. Have you heard Serial? No, he said a John Hodgman reference. We should definitely talk. And this person was and is Colleen.

Yes, it is. And you are also a Judge John Hodgman listener. I'm more of a fan of your daily show. Let the record show he said, i love judge john hodgman but thank you for those words as well but then yes uh and then yesterday we got married and then today we're here and you're you're here obviously because you already have a terrible dispute, and you want me to divorce you. Yes.

No, I asked you to come up with a dispute. You didn't really have a good one, because it's too early. But you will. And instead, we're here to give you a gift and to raise a toast to you. We're going to have champagne, but I have another bottle of Malort. Do you drink or no? I do drink. All right.

Here, you guys take this one. Let the record reflect that Cullian just tried to play it off after sniffing it. He's like, no big deal. Just the grossest drink ever. Colleen and Eileen, I'm so glad that my podcast and not any of my earlier work

was able to bring you together using the internet. And it is truly thrilling to me that you guys are married. I wish you all the success and happiness in the world in this journey. Do not look for disputes just to get on a podcast. Cheers to you. Cheers. All right, now Eileen.

Let the record reflect that Cullian is now moated, corroded, and his booty has exploded. You may keep the bottle. Ladies and gentlemen, Cullian and Eileen. Thank you. We want to thank all of the litigants for sharing their cases with us in Chicago. We also want to thank Ohm for joining us. Their first full-length album is called Parts. It's coming out August 24th.

You can find it on Joyful Noise Recordings. And if you're going to be in Chicago in July, Ohm is playing at Westfest on July 8th. For more information, visit ohmmusic.com. That's O-H-M-M-E music dot com. Huge thanks to the staff at Talia Hall and our pals at the Onion Comedy and Arts Festival. We had such a great time in Chicago. Our thanks to everybody in Chicago.

The show was recorded by Steve Allman, our producer and our stage manager and our director and just in general, the responsible party of this program, Jennifer Marmer. We're on Instagram at instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman. We've got photos and evidence from the show posted there

and on the Judge John Hodgman page at maximumfund.org. We will see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximumfund.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.