Judge John Hodgman - Live From Lincoln Center's Summer for the City

Episode Date: July 27, 2022

This week's episode was recorded live in front of an audience at Lincoln Center's Summer for the City! We first hear the case, "Solstice Delayed is Solstice Denied!" Erica doesn’t change the clocks in her home or car during seasonal time changes. But her wife, Kylee, can’t live this way! Erica says that Kylee is free to change the clocks in the home, but her car is OFF LIMITS. Plus Swift Justice with Jean Grae and Open Court with a surprise special guest! Thank you to Twitter User @sarahchantal for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, follow us on Twitter for naming opportunities: @JesseThorn & @Hodgman. Or keep track using the Twitter hashtag #JJHoCaseNames.

Welcome to Judge John Hodgman. This episode was recorded live at Lincoln Center's Summer for the City series in New York City. What a special show it was, John. It was magical, honestly. It was the first show, live show that we had done since the beginning of the pandemic. It was the first time we'd seen each other since the beginning of the pandemic. I'm not going to lie to you, John. When I was walking up to the sound check, this was an outdoor event at Lincoln Center and they had all the chairs set up across this big park field. Right. Damrosch Park. And a huge stage like you'd see at a big music festival. Like a big music fest. And as I was approaching for the soundcheck, I was walking down the sidewalk

and I could see down all the chairs to the stage, like all the way down. That was my line of sight, through all the chairs down to the stage. Yeah. And I took a picture of it um all those empty chairs and texted it to my wife with the message oh f word there was a lot of chairs but you know what people came it was amazing it was so great to see everybody's faces and if you were there you will know you will remember that this was a special night featuring extra special guest Jean Grey, as well as other surprises that we can't wait for you to hear. And if you weren't there to join us, thank you for listening. Thank you for supporting the show. I hope you enjoy this one.

Let's go to the stage at Lincoln Center. New York City, you've come to us desperate for justice. And we're here at Lincoln Center to deliver it. Let's bring out our first set of litigants. Please welcome Kylie and Erica. Tonight's case, solstice delayed is solstice denied. Kylie brings the case against her wife, Erica. Erica doesn't change the clocks in her home or car during seasonal time changes. But Kylie simply

cannot live this way. Erica says, Kylie's free to change the clocks in their home, but her car is off limits. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom

and delivers an obscure cultural reference. New York City, you may be seated. All better individuals know my nephew says standard time All better individuals know. My nephew says standard time undermines you. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Kylie and Erica, please rise metaphorically and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

so help you God or whatever. Yes. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that the laws of time do not apply to him? I do. Sure. You're here.

There's 2,000 people here. You can give it some zhuzh. That was her zhuzh. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Kylie and Erica, you may remain seated for an immediate summary judgment. Thank you for being here, by the way. For an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors, can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered

the courtroom? Kylie, do you want to take a guess? Oh, boy. I know it's pretty short. Can I hear it one more time? Yes, of course. All better individuals know my nephew says standard time undermines you. You can also say it this way. Always believe in knees. Many nudists spread stinky towels under yurts. Any guesses? By the way, I see some people in the audience got it. The Judge Sean Hodgman podcast is in charge of sending messages to our foreign spies. That's right. I was going to say the hint made it more confusing. My guess, because of the vibe of the writing,

would be a quote from Terry Pratchett, the author. From Terry Pratchett, the author of Discworld. Indeed. A long series of fantasy novels, none of which I have read. Stop emailing me. I'll get to it. That's nothing against Terry Pratchett. Genius, obviously.

I probably won't. Well, all right, I'll put that in the guest book. Genius, obviously. I probably won't. Well, all right. I'll put that in the guest book. Erica, do you have a guess? No, not at all. Well, you have to guess something. Who's your favorite author? What's one of your favorite flavors of ice cream?

I mean, maybe chocolate. What's that? Maybe? Like Rocky Road or chocolate. Rocky Road or chocolate. Beamed in from 1963. Erica takes the stage. Who is eating Rocky Road?

Is this something they still make? Yeah. Okay, I stand corrected. I apologize. Faucuses are wrong! You didn't recognize this? All better individuals know my nephew stays standard time I apologize. Faucuses are wrong. You didn't recognize this? All better individuals know my nephew says standard time undermines you? I assume it's some sort of mnemonic device.

It is a mnemonic device. Thank you, Kylie. A mnemonic device I made up this morning. As a way to remember all of the jurisdictions in the world that observe permanent daylight savings time. So say it with me. Everybody, you know it. Argentina, Morocco, Namibia, Saskatchewan, come on, Singapore, Turkey, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, and Yukon. Yes, remember school days. All right, I guess we got to hear this case. What a terrible school that would be.

All those jurisdictions observe daylight savings time all the time, every day. Nowhere else in the world does that happen, except perhaps in the United States, depending on the fate of a certain bill. We'll talk about that maybe never. Who seeks justice in this court? I do, Your Honor. Kylie. And what is the justice you seek?

How can I help you with this dispute? What is going on? So, as described by Bailiff, Jesse, in our opening, Erica does not change the clocks when the time changes for fall or summer. I see. This causes the clocks in our house to be on separate times. Sure, I would imagine. And the one that is most infuriating is the clock in her car, which is not an hour off the time, an hour and seven minutes off the existing time.

Always. We'll explore the seven minute differential in a moment. Erica, I have a question for you. Sure. We'll explore the seven minute differential in a moment. Erica, I have a question for you. Sure. What time is it? Right now or according to my car? According to your world.

8.31. I have the same time. That's perfect. So do you observe daylight savings time or no? So yes. However, to be on time for things, I need to think I'm late. Otherwise, I won't rush myself. So the accusation that Kylie is making that you do not observe seasonal time changes is untrue? So I let other people in my life change the clocks in my house,

and like, hands off, that's fine, I understand, it's a community space. But my car is my car. That's my space. And I don't think other people should touch it. It's mine. I see. Yeah, I think that deserves some applause. Their house is a community space, and the only way we can save it is a breakdancing competition.

I've seen that movie. Yeah. So this is not some deep philosophical dispute you have with the concept of daylight savings time, a contempt for Walter Willett, who first proposed it in England as British summertime. It's not a contempt for the New Zealand entomologist in the 19th century who proposed it because he wanted more daylight to collect bugs at the end of the day. It's not a beef with Benjamin Franklin who proposed it in order to save candle wax.

You're not angry at the golfing industry or the retailing industry who want there to be daylight savings time because people do more shopping in the afternoon if they don't. You're not angry on behalf of the farmers. School children have been told want this, but in fact do not want it because they need sunlight in the morning to milk their cows who don't wear watches. None of that. None of that. All right. Well, that was a lot of research that I did.

none of that none of that all right well that was a lot of research that i did still it was good of you to transform our podcast into the world's worst school that's actually a great idea for a podcast yeah all right that erica presents a pretty uh a pretty solid case it's her car her rules kylie did, did you misrepresent Erica's philosophical bent towards timekeeping to get on this? I don't think I ever represented that she had a problem with the concept of daylight savings time. I believe that she has essentially a laziness. She has essentially a laziness. Yes, yes. That's the title of my next album, Essentially a Laziness. That's a good one, too.

I do need to challenge her characterization that the clocks in the house are fair game because our kitchen clocks, when they were off time, I told her I was going to change them. And I got a lot of pushback from that. Yeah, but I still let you do it. No, no, no. I went for the forgiveness over permission approach. And I changed them one day when she was not home. And then she never said anything about it.

That's her version of letting me do it. If you had asked, do you think Erica would have said no? Absolutely. So what time is it in your house right now? The clocks are right. I know the clocks are always right. It's all a construction, you understand. It's a myth that we live in. Time exists but the hours are made up. Right? Worst school in the world? I don't know. I think it's a pretty cool school.

And you know what else? The original rapper William Shakespeare. original rapper William Shakespeare. Sorry, let me turn my chair in the right direction. Erica, do you have any history with Daylight Savings Time? What do you mean by history? What do you mean by, what do I mean by history? No, and honestly, the whole concept of Daylight Sav savings time, I actually don't mind. It started out as a stupid thing that I did as a teenager because so many people wanted to touch my car's clock, including my high school sweetheart, who was a mechanic.

And I had to be like, don't touch my stuff. And then my mother also has OCD. So every time she's in my car, she's there pushing the button. So, no, don't touch my stuff. I understand. Okay. And did this start happening simply because the car daylight savings time came or you sprang forward or fell back and you did not change or you didn't feel like changing the car's clock. So it just was whatever and you were dealing with it. And then the seven minutes, what happened there? Well, the seven minutes I always do so that I'm not late. So you're not late. We'll set that aside for a moment. What do you care about,

if you can change the clocks in the home that you share, Kylie, what's the issue with being an hour behind in her car? The primary issue would be that I also have OCD. Ah, okay. I grew up in a house with many clocks, and if one of them was even a minute off, I could not stop myself from fixing it. Oh. And I still have that urge to this day. And this all began the very first time I noticed the clock in her car was off. She represented it to me as, I don't know how to change it. Represented it to you.

Yes, represented it to you. Yes, represented it to me. And I say it that way because within two minutes I had figured out how to change it and then I got the slap on the hand for trying to actually change it. So you're suggesting, Erica, do you know how to change the clock in your car? Of course I do. Wow.

You live with an agent of chaos. I'm used to it. Were you not telling the truth when you said you didn't know how to change it? Yes. Yeah. Okay. You were lying in other words. What kind of car do you drive? A Hyundai Sonata. Hyundai Sonata. I got no feelings about that. Thank you though for sharing. I don't think anyone has any feelings about a Hyundai. It's probably for the best. We shouldn't care about cars. So Kylie, how do you feel when you're driving in the car with your wife

and you see the time is wrong or sense that it is wrong? Frustrated would definitely be the best word. And mentally tired every time I have to look at the clock and adjust it in my head. How do you feel, Erica, when you hear that your most loved person feels frustrated and mentally tired? I mean, out of all of the things that I do, for this to be the one, like, put a Post-it over it. It'll be fine.

Wow. That's her solution for many things in life. Wow. What else do you put a Post-it over, literally or figuratively, in your relationship, Kylie? What other things does Erica do that require post-it applications? Staying on the theme of

cars, the check engine light. The check engine light? Post-it right over that, not a problem anymore. Do you have post-its all over the windshield? Hit a deer. post-its on the windshield, no sweat. Yeah, right. Let me just put some post-its on this deer on the road. Okay, there we go. Drive on. I'm worried about this. This is my question. Yeah. Erica, there are a lot of people who want to be, who are late for things and want to set their clock a little wrong in order to give themselves the juice to show up on time, right?

We all know somebody whose watch is always 10 minutes behind, 7 minutes behind. I don't know those people because I've cut them out of my life. However, It's not true. Daylight Savings Time is... I was lying, Erica. Just like you. Daylight Savings Time is only part of the year. So,

is your goal just to keep yourself so upset and confused that you show up for things on time? Like, it really only throws me off in the fall when it changes for like a couple weeks to a month. So it's just in the fall for a couple weeks to a month, then in the spring for a couple weeks to a month. Right. And then I adjust and in springtime, it's normal. And then you adjust to your standard level of anxiety about having set the clock wrong, which is supposed to make you show up on time for things. Does it? Usually, yeah. Wow. Kylie, do you drive? I do drive, yes. Do you have your own car? Yes, I do. Which style of Hyundai do you have? I actually have a Hyundai

Tucson. Jeez. Okay, now we have to have some real talk about Hyundais. It's been a long time since I've driven a Hyundai Tucson, but I got one as a rental probably 10 years ago. Yes. Worst car I've ever driven. Oh, no. Yeah, maybe it's better now.

I strongly disagree, although mine is an 01, so maybe they've gone downhill. Well, in any case. No offense to Hyundai. Yeah, that's right. Let's not offend Hyundaiundai i invited hyundai tonight hey judge john hodgman listeners a big round of applause for hyundai in the vip seats hyundai the corporation i'm trying to get a free car come on i'm on a podcast i said the word hyundai They have to give me a free car. That's the rules.

You didn't read the pamphlet we gave you preparing you for what being on a podcast means. I'm still a little confused. It mostly means getting emails. Mostly means getting emails. Walter Willett was not actually the first person to propose daylight savings time, Mr. Hodgman. I'm ready for him. Send him.

So Erica, what would you say is the core resistance here? Like Kylie wants you to change the clock in your car. Your argument is it's your car, so who cares? And B, this works for you, correct? Anything else? Yeah, and I just don't want to. Just don't want to. Erica, does Kylie mess with any other stuff of yours? Big question. If I don't catch her, yes. Wow. What other stuff is Kylie messing around with?

It's not so much that she messes around with stuff, it's more me having a problem of other people touching my stuff and just moving it. And given I like to be able to see stuff, so like a lot of my jewelry I'll leave out and it'll get just like shoved for other stuff for her stuff, but I like to be able to see it it's a whole thing but it's it's okay I don't I mean look I do you do you live with children yes you do yes oh so so I have two children in there they're 13 and 15. Right. And we have three large dogs and a chameleon. And a chameleon.

Named Mushu. Named Mushu. Yes. And the dogs are named Greg, Greg, and Greg? Lady Appa and Violet. That's wonderful. I mean, you are an agent of chaos, perhaps, but you live in complete chaos. Yes, absolutely.

I was going to say that I live with children who are now older than yours, but I've been through that, as well as a person that I love. And it is very disruptive for me if I put something down and it is not where I leave it. Yes. And those rare times, like when I would have to travel and I'd be in a hotel and my things were where I left them, it was like a miracle had happened. Nothing's ever where I

leave it, but also I don't always remember if it's me or not. So I don't have anyone to blame. You don't have anyone to blame? I mean, I could blame someone and pick somebody, but they'll go, it's not me. Who knows? But I mean, isn't this why one gets married?

To have someone to blame? Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Isn't that exactly what's happening here? But to be fair, she usually keeps track of a lot of my stuff so that I don't have to remember. Kylie, what's your side of this story? Are you messing with Erica's stuff and are you keeping track of Erica's stuff and what's going on? So story? Are you messing with Erica's stuff? And are you keeping track of Erica's stuff?

And what's going on? So I would say that messing with is not the proper characterization. I would say organizing her stuff is the proper characterization. How is it? Give me a specific example. So as she said with the jewelry, she likes to have her earrings all spread out. Sure. I will notice that one of one pair of the earrings is over here.

I know where this is going. I don't like it. Go on. Okay, just commission. Hang on. I've got to prop myself up. Okay, go ahead. One of the earrings is over there, and where is the other earring?

Across the dresser on the other side. It's the way I walk through the room. What was that? It's the way I walk Through the room What was that? It's the way I walk through the room It's, well, how does it I'm sorry, your earrings are like the dots On a treasure map Well, so

By the time I put one in I get to the other one Wow You know what? I'm with you now. That's incredible. I love that a lot. How long have you two cohabitated?

Almost three years. So this has been going on for a while. Would you say that you have more or less successfully merged your habits and lives and this is the last remaining friction or is this a constant friction? This is one of... Let the record show there's a lot of head movement like, what do I say on stage at Lincoln Center? I mean, I can't throw my wife under the bus, but... No, you cannot.

There's a few... But you are under fake oath. Friction points, cannot. There's a few... But you are under fake oaths. Friction points, yes. There are a few friction points. Yes. What else besides earrings? Earrings, time, clothing. Clothing?

I have so many clothes. Right. That is... I have two walk-in closets and two dressers. Where do you live? How far did you drive in your two Hyundais to get here? What's happening? We're in New York.

I saw an ad on the subway that said, upgrade your pad to the top level. Get a dishwasher. Get a dishwasher. Yeah, luxury condos now have baths that have drains in them. to the top level, get a dishwasher. Yeah, luxury condos now have baths that have drains in them. That's a new, it's okay. You don't need to reveal where you live,

but you've got two walk-in closets full of clothes. And is this, Kylie, is this a too many clothes issue? Do you feel edged out because all of her clothes take up all the space and not enough space for your clothes? Or is it the way she organizes her clothes by putting one sock in this corner of the room and one sock in the conservatory or whatever clue house you live in, whatever clue mansion you live in? Curse at Hyundai Mansion. Oh, boy. Curse at Hyundai Mansion.

So I would say the issue is mainly a lack of space for the clothes. As she said, she has very many clothes, and our room is the closet's full, the dresser's full, and the floor is a closed tsunami more or less constantly. Right, which must be great with the dogs. They're not allowed in the bedrooms. They're not allowed in the bedrooms. They're not allowed in the bedrooms. Bedrooms are iguana only, baby. Chameleon, chameleon.

Unless you've gotten an iguana since we last spoke. No. Don't tempt me. Yeah, really. Oh, right, I forgot about your whole iguana pavilion you've got there at Hyundai Mansion. We have a strict no more pets rule, so please do not encourage. I think I know how I'm going to rule.

More pets. But the chief issue here is the time. So Erica has made a very compelling case. Because Erica, you don't mind, or you at least have tolerated or passively allowed Kylie to change the clocks in your home yes this is in her car it's her car you want to change that why why should I allow that you know we have a settled law there is a settled law about this yeah I'll reveal it in my verdict when I remember. Anyway, I have to think about it. Make the case for why.

So aside from it bothering me, I would also challenge her characterization that it never bothers her because of the fact that when it's, it's currently only seven minutes off because we are in spring. When we get to fall and it's an hour and seven minutes off,

there are nights when we'll get back in the car from a party, bar, whatever, and it'll be 10 p.m., and she'll look at the clock, which reads 11.07, and say to me, babe, how did it get so late? Yeah, but then I'm happy it's not. So she enjoys the chaos for the joy it sparks when she realizes life is not as chaotic as it seems. Is life too chaotic in your home? Yes, undeniably.

Aside from the time, what other changes would you like? Earring matching, and you want to get rid of that chameleon, right? I love the chameleon. So you can finally get an iguana. I'm sorry. You want to put a Post-it note on that chameleon, right? I love the chameleon. So you can finally get an iguana. I'm sorry. You want to put a post-it note on that chameleon? Only when he stares at me like he hates me.

I don't think they've got another look. You're right. They can hate you in every corner of the room. They've got those eyes that go in all directions. That is the truth. Have you ever heard the expression, the kind eyes of a chameleon? I have the kind eyes of a chameleon? I have the kind eyes of a chameleon.

So you would order, in this small case, change the time in the car. And finally, defeat your wife on this one whole topic. You get the clocks inside, you get the clock in the car, and the rest can just swirl around as a maelstrom of chaos as it is. Would that be satisfactory to you? It would be my thus far only victory in our marriage. I'm very stubborn. Yeah, I can tell. How do you feel when Kylie says that?

Don't wait for the ASL translation. Tell me now, Erica. You know, being put on the spot, I can't really think of another time. But I know I'm overly stubborn over some things, and I should probably concede a few. overly stubborn over some things and I should probably concede a few. Like I would 100% agree I need to clean out my clothes and get rid of, I don't know, a million pounds of them. But the clock I feel like it's just it's my it's mine. Are you willing to? All right. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to go into my very secret chambers, stage right, to ponder this, and I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Sit down. Sit down. Relax. Relax. Erica, how are you feeling about your chances in the case right now? Yeah, it's probably like 50-50, but... I don't want to change my clock.

Babe, it's a podcast they can't see you shrug. I know. I know. What other things do you have strewn? What's strewn in your house besides? Mail, blankets. Blankets are a problem. But mostly because, so the three dogs, they're 14 and 8 and 2.

So the old one gets them dirty real fast because she just smells funky because she's 14. So I wash them a lot. And then the one who's 2 chews them. 14. So I wash them a lot. And then the one who's two chews them. So I'm washing those ones a lot. So they're always everywhere. So is this weird clock system like the one part of your life you have control of over? It feels like it on some days. Kylie, how do you feel about your chances um barely confident i uh i think i made my case fairly well um i think everyone sees what i have to deal with just kidding baby i love you it's okay i know him a lot um and uh yeah we spend a lot of time in car, so this would be a big victory for me.

Have you ever thought about just getting something that you can have in exactly the right place, like a model train set in the basement or something? I'm not a fan of model trains, but I like the concept. I'm going to have to look into that. Okay, well, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about this in just a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

The listeners at home, may I admonish the audience for constantly standing up and sitting down. I'm just happy you're here. It's a beautiful night. Sit back, relax. Also, you're making me look really bad. I can't do that much standing. But you notice I don't have a chair up here because if I sit down, I'm not getting up. Just relax. For the listeners at home, also may I point out that Erica has this, this incredibly calm and placid energy. has this incredibly calm and placid energy. Wouldn't you agree, Kylie? Very much so. An incredibly calm and placid energy.

She is the embodiment of the eye of the storm. Nothing within that eye seems to bother her, no matter how many people are screaming from their Wizard of Oz houses as they circle her going, please do something with your earrings. Erica's just in the middle going, no. We're constantly finding cows dropping in our yard. Yeah, I'm sure.

A question that I didn't ask. Remind me of the age of your children. They are 13 and 15. Okay. And you joined this family, Kylie? Yes. About three years ago as a cohabitant? Three years ago as cohabitants, yes.

Right. And you love them, of course. Very much. Yeah, of course. But, you know, they're monsters. That's their job. Their job is to be openly disruptive and try to erase you because they're here to replace all of us. You understand?

You have signed on for chaos. Yes. Which I'm with you on this. It's an incredible act of love. Do you have children of your own from another relationship or anything? I mean, that's an incredible act of love to join a family and to be supportive of a family, and particularly a family that does not only include human children, but a menagerie.

I mean, a menagerie of dogs and reptiles and stuff on the floor. I mean, it's just nothing I don't think in Erica's life is that unusual for someone who has inflicted that many dogs and chameleons onto their family. Like, I think it's just the way it is. And it is an incredible act of love that you have offered. And I just want to commend you on that because I'm going to rule against you. because I think that if I, you brought it up, so may I ask, when you say you have OCD,

yes, you actually have OCD. It's not a, yes, diagnosed and you have a diagnosed. Erica, obviously that's something you need to take very thoughtfully when you engage in these issues. Do you know what I mean? Yes. And a lot of times I just go, okay, babe. And I'll just hang back and let her do whatever she's got to do. Right. But the car is the last straw. Yeah. The car is the final, there's a metaphor here somewhere. It's the final Hyundai, if you will.

Of your individual personhood and chaos. Pretty much, yeah. And that's why I have to find an Erica's favorite. My order is, Erica, pick up your clothes. Agreed. Every problem that you have acknowledged on this stage, I encourage you, for the sake of your wife, to work on it. All right.

And to let her have wins there. Because I think that's an area that you truly should. Yes. But as in all things in marriage, sometimes you have to hold things back, some sense of yourself before the marriage, before the partnership. And I think that if that is a little blinking broken clock on the Hyundai dashboard,

I think that's fine. And what's great is when you take a ride together and you see your beloved, Kylie, when you see your beloved's little blinking beacon of her individual personhood, you just put a post-it note on it. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that as well. Kylie and Erica, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft.

And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs. They're made in, made in. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders of Rohan duck. What about the heritage pork chop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town?

Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th.

Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N-Cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel? We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are

approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. And you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now.

Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. That's J-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. What's next? What's next?

Well, we have a lot more justice to dispense tonight, but I'm kind of thinking we should bring on a special guest. I think we should bring on a special guest. One of the specialist guests we can get to guest. Jesse Thorne, tell us about a guest. You may know her from her long and successful rap career. She's a writer, a singer, an actor, a producer, a director, and needless to

say, a polymath. You know her from her incredible guest bailiffing on the Judge John Hodgman podcast and as Monica, the top cosplayer of Dicktown on Hulu, please welcome to the stage, Jean Grey! Jean Grey! Jean Grey.

Hi. Hello. Hi, everybody. We've had some time, the three of us, to spend backstage. We had little bowls of salad in a little room downstairs. Tiny salads underground. And I looked, we had these wonderful underground salads. And I was enjoying my salad so much that I almost missed the significance of what was happening,

which is I was seeing Jesse in person for the first time in two and a half years. And I was seeing you backstage for the first time in two and a half years. And I was seeing you backstage for the first time in the same amount of time. And you've not been on stage since. Since March 2020. This is it. This is it.

I'm fine. I'm fine. It's a great month. It's Pride Month still. Happy Pride, everyone. And then we had Juneteenth. and then Beyonce put out that song, and I was like, we're having a real good run. And then. And then.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of steps back for every one step forward, but we got to, I don't know, keep walking, I guess. Let's say that. Sure. Yeah. Anyway, what are we going to do, Jesse?

Well, John, we have a lot of justice to dispense, and I'm looking at my watch. We only got like 15 minutes to dispense it. Let's see. I got three cases here. Oh, my gosh. 15 minutes. Well, that's only five minutes per case. Can we even do that? I think we have to. I think we have to. I'm sorry, I think we have to. Well, let's get right into it. Please welcome to the stage Richard and John. Richard

and John. Those are lovely summer shirts. Summer shirts. This is the summer of summer shirts, I believe. Summer shirt boy summer. Who is the summer of summer shirts, I believe. It's got to be. Summer shirt boy summer. Who is Richard and who is John?

I'm John. I'm Richard. Great. That was fair. That was fair. That was fair. Let me try this differently. Who here brings this dispute before my court?

I do. And you are Richard. Yes. Richard, what is the nature of your dispute? So John refuses to clean up after I cook in the kitchen. He says I'm too messy and he won't clean up at all. John, how do you respond to this charge? You will not clean up.

And you two are married and cohabitating here in New York City. Yes. How large is your Clue mansion? Oh, it's a one bedroom. Okay, good. Tell us about your aviary. So, how do you respond to Richard's charge, John? Well, the agreement

was that whoever does the cooking does the cleaning. However... This was in your vows? Yeah, that was in the contract. Okay. Let the record show that Richard gave a hard look at John. Say, what are you saying? I do 99.9% of the cooking.

You do 99.9% of the cooking? Definitely. And when I cook, I'm very organized and clean. He is not. So his 1% of cooking is like, you can't believe what the kitchen looks like afterwards. It's every utensil is used, every measuring cup, every microplane, every mandolin, every... How many microplanes do you have? A few. I like it. Okay. Jean, you want to ask some questions here?

I like it. Okay. Jean, you want to ask some questions here? I just want to know, because I think it's, as the person who does 99.100% of the cooking, I always have known that it's clean as you go. So has this not been one teachable moment? Because, I mean, you should only do it once. Right.

I mean, that's what I do. I clean as I go. Has the clean as you go... He does not. But you know you should. Let the audio record reflect that there was a real eye roll at the prospect of cleaning as you go.

Richard, because this is an audio format, I'm going to let you speak all of the faces that you've been making so far. Thank you, Judge. Thank you. So I do clean as I go, but John was a professional chef, so I cannot live up to his standards. And the deal was that the person who doesn't cook cleans. I live up to that deal. If John makes seven courses, every bowl is used.

I clean without complaint. And John will not clean. and I try to do better, I follow his advice, but he refuses to even acknowledge the deal at all. There's no way I could be messier than he is when he gets really inspired. If you see the way the kitchen looks afterwards, you wouldn't believe your eyes. But how's the food? I'm talking about

sucks. Well, no, not always. Not in front of these people, John. Jean, Jean Grey, bailed Jesse Thorne. Did John just say, sucks? Wow.

Food sucks? Food sucks. How does that make you feel, Richard? I mean, I can't argue with the truth. I'm learning. I'll never claim to be as good a cook as he is, but how will I ever learn if I don't try I'm trying to relieve the burden of doing all the cooking

Do you still work in the restaurant industry, John? I do not I'm a doctor You know, I keep I'm on your side and then I'm off your side and then I'm on your side, it's very confusing I'm an infectious disease doctor Say confusing. I'm an infectious disease doctor. Say it again.

I'm an infectious disease doctor. An infectious disease doctor. Wow. Well, good luck to you. Are you also a hardworking single mother? Are you saying the nobility and incredible relevance of your profession should sway this court? I'm going to use every arrow I have in my quiver. I'm going to try.

And John, you're no longer a restaurant professional. What do you do now? I work in finance. Okay, great. I fine in Richard's favor. Well, well, well. Let me just say why. Let me just say why. Let me just say why.

Do you have a contract or not? We had an agreement for cleaning, yes. The agreement for cleaning is whoever cooks doesn't clean. Yes. No, whoever cooks does not do the cleaning. Third base. What?

Third base. Go see him about that. He's right there. You're bringing up my post-nasal drip now, John. The agreement was whoever cooks does not clean. Yes or no, John? You are breaking the agreement, aren't you? Now, can Richard be cleaner in his cooking?

What do you like to cook, by the way? I didn't even get to ask. Usually bread is what I've been doing. Bread? Yeah. And I cook six course meals. It doesn't matter. Even though Richard is putting flour all over that kitchen and making a big old...

Bread isn't a meal, though. That's the thing, Richard. It's a staple. It's like, you know, I mean... He won't even let me cook a meal. He won't let you cook a meal? He gets so nervous when I'm in that kitchen. Let him cook a meal. He's right. Bread me cook a meal. He gets so nervous when I'm in that kitchen. Let him cook a meal.

He's right. Fred isn't a meal. The agreement wasn't meals. The agreement was cooking. If I hadn't already ruled in your favor, Richard, I might have to revisit this. But fair is fair. Be cleaner.

Help clean up. And teach him. Get out of here. Richard and John, please welcome to the stage Sam and Annie. Sam and Annie,

hello. I really like the way you guys are playing off of each other's colors very subtly. I was hoping you would notice. Thank you. Do you ever feel like none of the other litigants got the color palette we sent out? They did not. You are, how would you describe their looks this evening, Jean? Sam is wearing what? Summer fun. Summer fun. Summer beach fun. With a sort of a reddish shirt. I don't know fashion terms. Summer Beach Fun

at a slightly forbidding northeastern beach. Yes. They've turned the color down just a bit. It's not quite as saturated. It's nice. It's calm. Their parents own a house by a lake sometimes they invite

their friends and they don't tell them that it's their parents house are they siblings? are you siblings? we're not siblings no okay well it's getting pretty spicy. It's four sets of parents.

Four sets of parents? There's four sets of parents? It's 2022, Jesse. Are we going to find out? Come on. Okay. They vowed, both of their sets of parents, that they would never date each other.

And yet, are you dating each other? We are. Well, now the parents have found out. I hope you don't murder us all. You do look like delightful young murderers, I have to say. Thank you. Annie, Sam, who brings this case to the court? I do, Judge.

What is the dispute? Well, I have a long-standing belief that chapstick is unnecessary and is not actually necessary to keep your lips healthy and that if you were to swear off chapstick, eventually your lips would naturally just always be nice. I want to not say something about white people, but you're making it real hard right now.

So, so hard. Jean, I want to not say something about white people, but you're making it real hard right now. So, so hard. Gene. So hard. I want to not say something about the people I went to UC Santa Cruz with, but it's the same group of people we're talking about. Do you mean like natural oils? I don't, I've never concerned myself

with the science behind it. If I'm on a level with you. It's just like Richard, I'm back on his side. I love the passion. Purely based on lived experience. And I think that since... Okay, Annie, your turn to talk. That's when I would have cut in, too.

Thank you. What is your... What's your take on chapstick? Or do you call it chapstick or lip balm? Chapstick. Chapstick? All right. Yeah. Is it actually chapstick brand chapstick?

No. Okay. It's lip smackers. Yeah, Skittles flavored, actually. That's my preference. You use it? Yeah, like a normal person would. What's going on with this guy?

How long have you been together hiding in your broad parents' summer house? Almost two years. Two years. And from the beginning, he's like, don't put on that chapstick. Yes. What do you think's going on? So Sam likes to have opinions. Really? That's weird. Huh. Huh. And I think that it doesn't matter if he's right or he's wrong. Yeah. He likes the attention that it gets.

Sure. Interesting. This is new ground on this podcast. Okay. I'm glad you all are here. And so for me, it's infuriating because he's just wrong. Does he have opinions about other things? Yeah.

Okay. Let the record show that Annie expressed terror in her face about what she might be asked to reveal. Maybe I don't want to go there, as they say. They're not earth-shattering. Give me an opinion. I have a similar opinion about coffee, which I know is a controversial one.

Let's hear it. Well, I don't think you need to drink coffee. But there was actually... He lost his ground with that one. Partially because of the taste. But also, you know, what about caffeine pills or something? They taste better, you know? about like caffeine pills or something that tastes better, you know?

You can flavor caffeine pills or something. So why you don't need coffee, but if you want caffeine, take a pill. Well, this is the thing. Most opinions, I'm willing to admit, don't need to be followed. I am willing to accept that most of my opinions that are not based in reality can be ignored. But this one, I think... That does make you an unusual young white man. This one, I think, has a genuine

benefit. It's so compelling. Yeah, it's so compelling. That even though it doesn't affect you in the least, you ask me to try it, you might like it. Yeah, just give it a try. I'm not asking for you to say Annie has to swear off ChapStick forever, but like two cold months.

Two cold months? Where it might get used on a regular basis. Just try my strategy. Try. Just give it a try. And what is the benefit to Annie if it turns out that you're right? Well, you don't have to pay for ChapStick anymore. Oh, wow.

You don't have to root around in your bag to find chapstick. Right. Those are the two main patterns. Efficiency is usually where this oblobly little mind goes to in trying to justify this intrusive theory. Yeah. I understand. I've seen it before.

Jean, do you want to? You already know I have nothing good to say. Let me say this. I don't care for chapstick or bombs. What do you use on your lips then? Oh no. Clarified butter. But that just happens naturally.

Really? I'm not rooting around in my bag for it. No, because it's a very large jar. No, it's just the foods I eat tend to be... Is it a stick? Yeah, a little stick of clarified butter. Okay. Clarified butter is what's known as the adult's lip smackers.

Yes, ghee for your lips. Ghee for your lips. But my lips don't chap. I don't know why. My lips don't chap a whole lot. Well, some people have drier lips. It feels a little slick and steamy to me. I don't like that.

I don't know if anyone here has seen it, but there is a, it might be a TikTok or some other form of social media. It's like just two minutes of men putting chapstick on and they look insane. I don't know what they're doing or why they're doing it. Because they don't know how to apply it. Because they're so confused. And I feel like that's where we're at right here. And also, I want to see, will you be kissing her with these non-chapstick lips?

Is that what you want, Sam? You want to kiss rough lips, Sam? Say it. You want a rough lip summer? Out at the lake? With eight parents. With your eight parents. She's got to sit at dinner.

She's just trying, the food is just falling right out of her chapped lip mouth at the dinner table. With your eight parents at the lake house. Sam's parents won't mind because their lips have been chapped for decades. They've never touched a chap to a stick. Every time they smile, just blood

pours out of their broken lips. Gene, John, quick question. Can we pitch this to the CW as a Hardy Boys reboot? Yes. This feels a little Flowers in the Attic to me. Oh, I get Flowers in the Attic vibes from Sam Lopez.

Right? Yeah. Annie. If I were to rule, if, if, if, if, if I were to rule an if, imagine a universe in which I ruled in your favor, what would you have me rule? So I want Sam to use chapstick. Wow!

Because he's not as much as he thinks he is, he is not like you. His lips are not perfectly moisturized all the time. Alright. And so... Is it something you can sense when you're... Yeah, just

when I'm close to him, I can just... Right. But so, yeah, I would like him to convert because it's an unpleasant experience sometimes. You know, we're talking about spooky stories between wildly dysfunctional couples. You ever see strangers on a train? No. Where the one guy gets the other guy

to murder his mom and then the other guy gets to commit murders for each other? Crisscross? You know what I'm talking about? Crisscross? Strangers on a Train? I'm picking up what you're putting down. Are you willing to do a crisscross? You go two weeks on Chapstick,

you go two weeks off Chapstick? A lip freaky Friday? Oh my god, Sam leapt at that. He's so excited. You go two weeks on Chapstick, you go two weeks off Chapstick? I'm really... A lip freaky Friday? Oh my God, Sam leapt at that. I'm so excited. And then we never talk about it ever again? I guess. I'll take that.

I'll take it, I guess. I don't feel like I want to make you happy, Sam. It's also like I need him to admit that he's wrong for once. Oh. Oh. Sweet summer child. We don't have enough time for that.

How do you think you ended up with eight parents? No way, Sam. Get out of here. No way. No crisscross. No way. Stay out of our lane. It's our chapstick, our choice. Get out of here, buddy. Sam and Annie. Hey, bud.

Good luck to you both. You're good. Please welcome Evan and Kelly. Evan and Kelly. Please be seated. What do you think about that, Casey? You too. I'm pro chapstick.

You're pro chapstick, right? Thank you. Should I have made them crisscross or what? Huh? Should I have made them crisscross, made him wear it and her not wear it for a while? No, I think they should both just wear it when they need it. And he never needs it, so? I mean, wow.

You know, I guess it's not really up to you whether or not you need it. Like somebody else could tell you if you need it. He should listen to her. He should. Listen to women. Yeah. Great. Thanks for coming by.

Which one of you brings a case before this court? I do. Are you Evan? I am Evan, yes. What is the nature of the dispute? So I really like a schvitz. And, you know, during the pandemic, schvitzing opportunities, there aren't a lot of them. For our listeners who don't live in New York City, will you explain what you're talking about?

It's a sauna. You know, you take a sweat. You know, you go somewhere and you take a sweat. You ever go down to the Russian Baths on 10th Street? You know, I like Mermaid Spa down in Seagate. Oh, all right. That's the spot. I don't know that one. Okay.

Yeah, you got to go down there. Seagate's weird. Who knew that this podcast was going to take a turn into Schvitz? Snippiness. We got a Schvitz snob over here. Well, you know, during the pandemic, all the schvitzes were closed. First of all, let the record show you're wearing a cool mustache. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Mermaid, is this a hipster schvitz? Oh, no, it's 100% Russian. Yeah. It's so authentic, it goes all the way back around to hipster? Yeah. The original hipsters, the people with Red Army tattoos and stuff like that. Okay. It's so authentic, it goes all the way back around to hipster? Yeah, you know, the original hipsters, the people with Red Army tattoos and stuff like that.

Okay. It's the spot. Yeah, so I like Schwitz. Yeah. But during the pandemic, they were all closed. Sure. They're opening back up now, but I still don't really feel that comfortable going back off.

Yeah, I don't feel like sitting in a hot, close room with a bunch of men. Yeah. Breathing on each other right now. No ventilation, a lot of humidity. I feel you. I hope they come back. I mean, I like to schvitz. I went there. Oh, yeah. It's like the best thing ever. You ever get beaten by the oak leaves? I never

did that. No, I never did that, yeah. Don't go in that Arctic pool. It's not good for you. Don't let them tell you to go in the Arctic pool. No good. Anyway, where were we? During the pandemic, you couldn't take a schvitz go in there. Oh, really? Okay. Anyway, where were we? During the pandemic, you couldn't take a schvitz, so what did you do instead? So I started taking, like, super hot baths,

as hot, really as hot as possible. Endurance baths. Endurance baths, and I would, you know, take a bath for 30 minutes to an hour and watch a movie. Oh, okay. And after I would get out of the bath... This is before you met Kelly, I presume? No. Oh, okay.

I do it too. You do it too? It has to be like so high. It hurts. Yeah. Wow. You do this together? No, our bath is too small.

You have one of those famous Manhattan double baths? One day, but not yet. So that kind of plays into the whole dispute is we live in a you know a one bedroom apartment in flatbush okay um and so um so yeah i'll take you know i'll take a bath and um after the bath to cool down you know your heart rate's racing you're still you're still sweating quite a lot. After the bath, you're like, I have to go and sit or lay somewhere to relax and to cool down.

Off gas. To off gas, yeah. Off gas all that heat that you've got in your body. Yeah, exactly. Because you've been cooking yourself in an oven soup. Yeah. What movie did you watch? I was watching Leon the Professional most recently.

Sure. One of my favorite movies of all time. Great bath movie. Everyone agrees. So good. What's your method of watching the movie in the bath? I have a metal folding chair and an iPad. Yeah.

So it doesn't fall in. Oh, yeah. Nothing stops an iPad from falling in a bathtub better than a metal folding chair. Okay. So you sit down to cool off. And Callie, you don't like this? I'm fine with it.

It's just he has this robe that's not very absorbent. And he'll lay down on the couch. Again, one-bedroom apartment. So'll lay down on the couch again one bedroom apartment so one couch and the couch gets all wet so then I can't sit on the couch or one time he was doing it he was like lounging in the bed with the it's the Brooklyn in robe

the waffle one it's like really nice but it's not can we get them off the stage as quickly as possible? We're going to have to book new litigants. I just... This podcast is brought to you by Brooklyn, and it's not just my...

It's not just the name of my hometown with a N on the end. It's actually a company and a robe that I happen to like. But just like the Doughboys, Judge Sean Hodgman can't be bought. So, go ahead. Trash him up.

Trash him up. Beautiful robe. Not very absorbent. So he was in the bed, on his side of the bed. Totally fine. If you want to get your side of the bed wet, fine. But he needed to prop himself up. So he used my comforter to

prop himself up. Audible gasp from the audience here in Damrush Park. And it got really damp, and I was sorely disappointed. So I'm just saying, lounge all you will, but don't get the couch all wet.

I got questions. I was just going to ask. Please, Jean Grey, take it away. What fabric is your couch? I have no idea. It's from Wayfair. But it's fabric. It's not like leather or something where you can wipe down.

So, number one, you're creating a potential mold mildew situation, which is not great. And number two, do you have a washer and dryer? I know you don't because it's New York. No, it's in the basement. Yeah.

Right. So then that comforter had to keep sitting there and stewing in your assassin's post-watching off gas. And natural lip oils. And natural oils. And then I was going to ask if you had another chair you could possibly sit in that would be conducive to being wet. And then you said you had a metal folding chair. And I was like,

there's your chair. But I have to sit in it for like 30 minutes to an hour. What would an old Russian man with Red Army tattoos do? He would lock that chair. He would sit in that chair. He would sit in that chair. He would sit in that chair so hard, he would make a dent in that metal chair.

You know what they did to get a folding chair in communist Russia? You got that as a reward for killing a man. How dare you? I'm glad you brought up the robe, because my question was going to be, how do you feel about the robe? I didn't know that you were going to go ahead and sabotage one of our sponsors, but it's cool. I'm so sorry. I just want to clarify. Is the moisture the real problem, or is it just weird to have your beloved one she's having an epiphany lying down in his

robe all slick and steamy in a robe that you don't like i i never said i didn't like the robe i'm getting some ick off i just said that it was a little it's just not a Hyundai of robes. Yeah. No, I actually think it's, like, great to see Evan in his element, in his robe, doing his, like, DIY shit. You like seeing all that. Yeah. You like that. I'm just clarifying. Wait, what? I'm just clarifying.

Yes. That there's not something else going on. No, I don't get an ick from anything except for a wet couch. Yeah, sitting down on a wet couch is no fun. Yeah, sitting on a wet couch, ugh. I don't get an ick from anything except for a wet couch. Yeah, sitting down on a wet couch is no fun. Yeah, sitting on a wet couch, ugh. I know. Jean Grey? I'm saying give her what she's like.

I'm feeling it. So you sit down, the steam's still coming off you. You're all red. You put that Assassin's movie back on the floor. You sit in that metal. You open your legs. You just stare at her. You dry off.

And everyone's happy and you get a thicker robe also. I think you could probably off gas faster if you really concentrate. I'm relaxed. I'd like to see them spread out a tarpaulin. Oh yeah, a tarp. I just got a call from our representatives of Brooklyn. Thank you, Mr. Brooklyn.

What is that again? Yeah. Waffle knit robe is a beautiful robe. I agree with you. Obviously, I have one. But it's not approved for slick and steamy drying off on a comfort. No, okay. They agree.

Brooklyn agrees. Kelly wins the case. Wow. They agree. Brooklyn and agrees. Kelly wins the case. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you

that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace because yes listening is mandatory the jv club with janet varney is available every thursday on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts thank you and remember no running in the halls if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-o-d-c-a-s-t-i hmm are you trying to put the name of the podcast there yeah i'm trying to spell it but it's tricky If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I.

Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-p-p-p-d-c-o-o oh we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go john there's a lot of injustice left here there's's a lot right here in Damarosh Park. If you have a dispute that you want to bring to our court right now, there is a microphone next to the wonderful producer Jennifer Marmer. Let's hear it for Jay Marms, the Marm Dog. Please come on down while you're getting ready to offer your disputes. I want to welcome back to the stage

Jean Grey, who also in Legends returns. And Jesse, folks, there was a time She's your favorite bailiff. She's mine too. And Jesse, there was a time on the podcast when someone wrote in saying that they had a dispute with their friend over whether or not the rear hatch of a Subaru Impreza looked like the actor Christian Slater.

Now, hold on, John. I just I don't mean to interrupt you here because we're about to drop some shit on these people and I don't think they're ready. Yeah, they're not ready for this. Are you guys ready to have some s*** dropped on you right now? Because it's about to get really real in Damrosch Park right now. Everybody have an extra pair of pants? Are you ready for this? The human Toyota Delica himself, star of everything and my art, welcome.

He just either city biked or walked here, I promise. Richard Kind is here. Yeah, that's right, Richard Kind! He's good at everything! Richard Kind is here. That's the real Richard Kind! That is the real him.

Please, will you help us? Oh, you need a microphone? Yeah, that's a good one. I would prefer to be called the learned Richard Kind. The learned or the hanging judge. Okay. One or the other. The learned Richard Kine.

I think we'll stick with that first. Will you help us offer some judgment on these kind people? Hi, Richard. I'm Jesse. It's really nice to meet you. You really are great in everything. And you met Jean Grey back in Brooklyn when Jean and I did our show there. Yes, back before the world changed.

So nice. And just so wonderful of you. So wonderful of you to come down. I would have shaved, but I thought it was a podcast. No, I understand. I had no idea. It's just I remembered that Richard Kind lives under the stage at Damrush Park. So I was like, why not invite him?

And there's always noise. invite him so let's get there's always noise oh so mostly mozart too much mozart i say mostly noise there's a way to do that joke i didn't do it which kind of it's okay it's good we're going to hear from this person person step forward and state your name and the nature of the dispute my name is cooper fishbeck and I'm filing a dispute against my sister Alexis, otherwise known as Alex. We share a bathroom... Cooper... Does she have any other

aliases? She goes by Sneak A Ninja when she robs people in Minecraft. Got it. Does she have a DBA, a doing business ass? What's your dispute with Alex? Your name is Cooper what? Fishbeck. Cooper what? Fishbeck? Cooper and Alexis Fishbeck.

Cooper and Fishbeck don't belong together. I didn't come up with a name. Disagree completely perfect. I feel like that's the right conjunction. I'm writing it down and mailing it to myself

so I can pitch it as a quirky USA detective show. Right, yes, you're right. We don't know where he's from. Okay. All right, Cooper Fishbeck, what's your dispute with your sib? Well, if you don't think it works, let me run this by you real quick. Of course, I'm kidding.

I'm thinking of changing my name to Cooper J. Cool. Would that be a good? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Let's get to your Cooper! Anyway, I share a bathroom with my sister, and sharing a bathroom come and sibling rival reason that sort of thing sure a lot of problems are you suggesting the two of you are having sword fights who's gonna you know who's gonna who's gonna have the hottest bath uh so basically i mostly just use the bathroom

for brushing my teeth and you know bathroom needs sure I don't really use the shower don't shower babe I use the other bathroom I use my parents on suite it's a it's a bad bathroom I use ensuite lightly what is usually David my aviary in my opinion she acts as though she owns the bathroom sometimes I'll be inside using it and she'll walk up the stairs, realize the door is closed, go like, and then walk away, and things of that nature, and say that my side of the sink is too dirty,

when I think it's a perfectly cromulent level of filth. Perfectly cromulent level of filth, quote Cooper Fishbeck of Manhattan. Truly two siblings living in a young adult novel from the 1970s. Are you sharing a bathroom at the Met? You know, with this, her name is Alexis. Yes. If she doesn't come out of the bathroom every time, like, Alexis Fishbeck, what are you even doing?

Is it your parents' home? It is my parents' home, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, wow. How old are you and how old is Alexis? I'm 18 and she is 20. Okay, you deserve to live there. Okay.

Okay. Cooper, is Alexis here to defend herself? Yes, she is. She's sitting right there. Oh, I see. I was going to say, if you didn't show up, I would find in his favor. What do you want me to order? I want you to

order that she needs to just chill out a little bit. Alexis, chill out! Now, so ordered. Red striped shirt, you're next. What's your dispute? I'm Ruby, and this is my cousin, Ren,

and I would like them to stay within a quarter mile of their house down in North Carolina because they are starting to frighten me with how quickly they are finding bones. I mean, this makes a lot of sense to me right off the top. Why are all of these cases haunted? That's my... I believe that they're haunted, alright?

Cousin, what bones have you found? Tell us what bones you've found. Listen, I like to collect and clean bones as a hobby, so I've gotten very good at identifying bones. So I find them more often than, sorry, I find them more often

than, like, people find them more often than, like, people who don't know what bones look like. And what kind of bones are they? Can you trace them? I've found possum bones, raccoon bones, several small birds. I'm waiting for the word human. No human bones yet, but just this Monday,

I went out... Fingers crossed. Red, just a question. You don't live in the city, do you? No, North Carolina. No, North Carolina. All right, because this whole time I was like, where are the bones, you guys? What is going on since I left New York?

Are there bones everywhere? Just this Monday, I went for a walk, and I came back an hour later with a four-point box skull. I think I should be allowed to pursue my interests in the woods. Yeah, why wouldn't? This is the coolest cousin of all time. Can you ever bring them into Alexis's bathroom? Sounds for a case for Cooper Fishbeck. I think this is the coolest cousin ever and i had a cousin

who had rc pro m2 uh i'll give you one literally 1.5 seconds to mount a defense they have an awful sense of direction and literally could not remember where the bones were in trying to describe them to other siblings. You going out in the woods finding bones and getting lost, can't come back? No, I come back every time. It just, sorry. I come back every time. It just takes me a while sometimes.

Do you have a trail of bones, family circus style? I find in favor of cool cuz. Get those bones, right? Such a New York problem. All those bones on the street. Okay, New York City Arts Event attendee, you're next. What's your dispute? Hi, my name is Lori, but people who love me call me Pete.

And this is a 25-year-old debate with my son, Will, who I call Pete. Pete, I just want to know, I'm calling you Pete because I already love you. Good. My grandkids call me Petey. But, okay, so I was born before my son, obviously. About 25 years ago. Is there any other context you'd like to give us, Pete? But about 25 years ago, he started calling me repeat.

And that's just not right. But you're the original Pete, and you don't like being called repeat. Yes, I'm the OG. And just once, just once, I want him to say, okay, Mom, you're right. I'm repeat. And then I'm fine. We can go with it. I just want once for him to acknowledge it.

And you grew up in Staten Island? What do you think, Richard Kind? Well, he did do it first. He said it first. So he originated the joke. He did. However, if it would make you happy just to once have him say it, have him say it, and then go right back to what you did. You're going to have to tell him.

I've been telling him for 25 years. Just once. He can do it in his sleep. Wake him up in the morning and go, wake up, wake up. Just say it's repeat, that I'm repeat, and then have him live the rest of his life. Then we're good. Yeah. Fair enough.

Richard Kine rules. Of course we're good. Richard Kine said it. And we'll have a recording of that for you to play him. If you don't mind. What? We have a recording of you saying that for her to play him when she wakes him up at 2 a.m. No.

Oh, no? Well, you signed a release. I'm sorry. Yes, what is your name and what is your dispute? By the way, thanks for bringing a Flannery O'Connor short story to what has so far been a 70s horror spinner rack. I love it. Hi, I'm Jamie, and my dispute is against my best friend Michelle, who is here in the crowd.

I see, but terrified to approach. Yes. The dispute is that I think the Red Hot Chili Peppers are very good, and she constantly tells me that they are very bad think the Red Hot Chili Peppers are very good, and she constantly tells me that they are very bad. The Red Hot Chili Peppers. She does. Her name is? Michelle.

And your name? Jamie. Michelle thinks the band, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, is very good. See? Very bad. Look at this harassment. Very bad. You think they're very bad. You think they're very good. See? Very bad. You think they're very bad.

You think they're very good. Do you mean that they're good now? Or they're bad now? I think they were better. Do you know the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Yeah. What's your favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers song? I don't have one. Because I couldn't name one, but I know Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Sing a little something. I mean, you love that. Put it under the bridge. Gotta put it in. Yeah. That was good. It was from that 90s era

where all songs were Not Like that. This is weird ska territory, John. I don't know. Her husband does that exact impression, by the way. He's also here. That's why she's laughing so loudly. Who knew that tonight's show

under the stars would be so blood sugar sex magical? Someone likes one band, the other person doesn't like it They're best friends And what's your problem? She should admit that they're good No I think this is only an argument

If it was like someone really liked Pearl Jam No You should both admit Different tastes for different folks And the world goes round. And when Red Hot Chili Peppers is on, tell her not to hum along. Right? Sure, of course.

Because they both, the Red Hot Chili Peppers deserves to exist. Right? Wow. They've earned it. And I mean, how much of a problem is it in 2022, really? They have a car and it'll come to the alt radio station in the car. But can I add something? No one ever has to listen to that one song that goes,

Power of equality! And it's about equality and how good equality is. Agreed. Yeah, but go easy on the bare-naked ladies, though. You know who told me he loves the Red Hot Chili Peppers one time? George Clinton George Clinton loves the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Look, they're a sound

They're a big sound, they're undeniable Jamie, you like what you like You're Jamie, right? Michelle Don't let Michelle get you down What's Michelle? What's your favorite band? And Michelle, when Red Hot Chili Peppers is on, and you are enjoying it.

Don't say anything. Let her enjoy. Thank you. Right? Richard Kind with the final word on open court. Thank you very much to Richard Kind. Is that it? Thank you very much to Jean Grey.

Thank you very much to Richard Kine. Is that it? Thank you very much to Jean Gray. Thank you very much to Jesse Thorne. That's it for this week's episode. Thank you to all the litigants who joined us on stage at Lincoln Center's Summer for the City. Man, what a great time. Thanks, everybody. Yeah. And as soon as it's completely safe to do so, we'll get back out there on the road and see all over the place. Can't wait to see you on the Great Lakes. Can't wait to see you in Port Townsend, Washington, other places that we might go. Basically just those. We're

doing a classic Port Townsend to the Great Lakes tour. Doing each of the Great Lakes, Superior, Erie, the others. Ontario, Huron, and Michigan. i know them all now by the way follow the lake superior twitter account it's incredible i also want to give huge thanks to our guests gene gray and richard kind can i just say it was so so nice to see our friend gene i was just so happy to hang out backstage and find out what celebrities owe her money. That's right. And I want to say that something that you could not hear on the recording during the bit with Richard Kind is me flipping out that Richard Kind is there, standing behind Richard Kind, pointing to him and mouthing to the audience, that's Richard Kind.

He's a national treasure. We should get him on the podcast. He came on a city bike. He's a national treasure. We should get him on the podcast. He came on a city bike. He came on a city. I said, you want to come do our thing? Yes, John, I will. I'm like, can we send you a car? No need.

I'll either walk or take a city bike. You don't know how far off the mic I have to be in order to do the Richard Kind. This episode recorded by Noriko Okabe, edited by Valerie Moffitt. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO. And please submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO.

Now, John, there's people out there probably saying, my case is too big to submit. Are they right or wrong? No, there's no case too big, nor is there any case too small. Now, what about the people who are saying, I'm not sure they'll like this. Should they submit their case? I enjoy all the letters and submissions that I receive very much.

I love hearing from you. So please send in your cases. That's MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Jesse, the only regret I had from this wonderful night is that I didn't work it out in time. And I didn't even think of it until just now that we shouldn't have just had Richard Kind walk on stage. We should have had him drive on stage in a Mitsubishi Delica. That would have been amazing. The vehicle that he most resembles or that most resembles Richard Kind. We'll talk to you next time on Judge John Hodgman.