Judge John Hodgman - Live from Los Angeles

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

This week’s episode was recorded live in front of an audience at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles! Our first case is LINUS ITEM VETO. Sarah still sleeps with the tattered remains of her baby blanket. Her fiance, Go Fact Yourself co-host J. Keith van Straaten, finds it very upsetting to see and touch. He calls it “The Monster,” and he wants it out of their bed. Sarah wants to keep sleeping with it! Then, Jordan Morris joins to hear TATER TORT: Lucas calls himself “the humble son of a potato farmer.” His wife Laura says this is wrong because his father was actually a manager for a large American potato chip company!Thanks to reddit users u/Ironymaiden_ and /KillerPotato_BMW for naming this week’s cases! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at maximumfun.reddit.com!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bill of Jesse Thorne. This week's episode recorded live at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles. I'm not sure the listeners understand this, so I'm just going to say it again. This was recorded in a Masonic Lodge in the middle of a Hollywood cemetery. Like the most famous cemetery in all of southern california hasn't it a masonic lodge sure why why wouldn't it of course with thrones and all as they say thrones and all and in addition to the throne a very special guest i don't know if you ever heard of this person jesse thorne jordan morris that's my co-host from the Smash Hit podcast, Jordan Jesse Go. And folks might know him from

Good Mythical Morning, where he is, among other things, Cotton Candy Randy, which I know is your special interest, John. I am obsessed with Cotton Candy Randy, Jordan Morris's character on Good Mythical Morning. If you know what I'm talking about, as they say on the internet, you know what I'm talking about. But why don't we why don't we get to the show? Let's go to the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles. Los Angeles, you've come to us desperate for justice, and we are here at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery to deliver it. Let's bring out our first set of litigants. Please welcome J. Keith and Sarah.

Hi, honey. Tonight's case, Linus Item Vito. J. Keith brings the case against his fiancée, Sarah. Sarah still sleeps with the tattered remains of her baby blanket. See? J. Keith finds it upsetting to see and touch.

He calls it the monster. He wants it out of their bed. Sarah wants to keep sleeping with it. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference.

Thank you. I think it would be on your side. John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference. I was very much in my room with my marionette stage, you know, creating these incredibly boring things that I felt were so fascinating and forcing my relatives to come and charging money for them to see my little productions. If anyone would have been paying serious attention to my puppet shows, I would have been sent to therapy very young. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear them in. Jay Keith and Sarah, please rise. Raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? So help you, God or whatever. I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling

despite the fact that he skipped childhood entirely? Yes. Yes. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Let the record show

that Jay Keith waved at me and smiled. Indicating, Sarah, I'm sorry to say that Jay Keith and I have met before. Yes. We have worked together before. And he is'm sorry to say that Jay Keith and I have met before. Yes.

We've worked together before. And he is currently trying to use that connection to influence this court. I will not recuse myself, Jay Keith. I was trying to be nice. Thank you. Well, stop it right now. The niceness ends here.

Sarah, it's very nice to meet you. Jay Keith, it's nice to see you. Let the record show that I am now smiling and waving to you. Hi, Jesse. They're definitely Masons. That's what's going on here. So you are, of course, the host of Go Fact Yourself on Maximum Fun. Thank you.

You guys, thank you. Who canceled tonight? What's that? I was like, who canceled tonight? Paul Rudd. Oh. No way. tonight but what's that i was like who canceled tonight paul red ah no way sarah what podcast do you host i mean you live in los angeles right no sure um i i i host a podcast about um our our kitty cats that uh i i was a dog person but now i'm a cat person is that so yeah but do you host a podcast about that no do not lie to me madam do not lie just answer

truthfully it'll go right much easier for you says here you met at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. We did. How did that come about? Just dancing on some graves. And we locked eyes. It was a movie screening that they do in the summer. Moulin Rouge. And he was a couple blankets down.

And he said to you, Le bouclier avec moi ce soir. And I said, Le bouclier avec moi, c'est soit. And I said, avec moi. Well, très bien. Jake, even Sarah, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment. In one of yours favors, can you name the piece of culture

that I referenced when I entered the courtroom? Sarah, what's your guess? Amelia Bedelia. Amelia Bedelia. Okay, Jake Heath, I'll put that down. Is it from that? Is it from, well, we'll find out. No, I'll put that down. Is it from that? Is it from... Well, we'll find out.

No. No, I mean, that's what we're doing here. This is like a trivia question, Jay Keith. Do you have any experience with trivia questions? Well, I do. As you and Jesse know, I do a podcast. Just answer... Sorry, I was buzz marketing.

Yes. What was the question? Yes, I am familiar with trivia. Yes, what was the question? Yes, I am familiar with trivia. And then what was the next question? What do you think of a cultural reference? Who was I quoting? Oh, I believe I'm going to say David Sedaris. David Sedaris.

All guesses are wrong, but I'm going to give you, since you host Trivia Game, go fact yourself with Helen Hong on the Max Fund Network. We'll give you an opportunity to answer via trivia question. Oh. Okay. This is for either one of you. The first who thinks they know the answer

buzz in by saying their name. Okay. The person I was quoting played Francois Truffaut's interpreter in a movie called Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Does anyone in the audience know it? If so, say your name.

Martin and Lewis? Wait a minute. Are you ghosts? Are your bodies buried here? Martin and Lewis, say it at the same time on the count of three. One, two, three. Bob Balaban is correct. Ah, very nice.

And why did I quote Bob Balaban in this case that is on the subject of a blankie, a security blanket? Why did I quote Bob Balaban, trivia master Jay Keith? I Google the questions and the answers that we write. Oh, I see. Yeah, I don't actually know everything. I don't mean to put you on the spot like that.

Does anyone know? Anyone have a guess? Bob Balaban originated the role of Linus in your Good Man, Charlie Brown in the Off-Broadway production. I played Schroeder in my college production.

Oh, so you must know him then. Yes, all of the cast in amateur productions hang out with the original broadway cast tell me about this blankie that you have sarah or what's left of your blankie sure sure sure um do you mind if i call it a blankie because that's what i called my blankie no i think you should okay um does it have a name does it have a different name like softy or i was debating whether or not to to say what the name was. Oh, I've settled that debate.

In the affirmative. It started out as a Mimi. Mimi. Yes. And now, I mean, is that embarrassing? No. No. Only, you know, when people are around.

But then it became just the baby blanket. And it was a piece. Is it still fabric? Well, you did send him a photo of the blanket formerly known as Mimi. Can we see that photo now? I'm going to do it family food style. Show me Mimi. Oh, my.

Oh. going to do at Family Food Style. Show me Mimi. Oh my... What we're seeing here, just for the at-home... I didn't think it would be so funny. I thought people would be more like, aw, poor girl. What we're seeing here for the

at-home listener is what's left over after the invisible man goes to the podiatrist. I was going to say something that fell off an extra in The Mandalorian. It's very... Mimi's not looking so hot. Mimi's pretty shredded up there. is like 45 years old. It was a piece of green flannel that was cut out of the nightgown that my mom wore when she was pregnant with my brother. Oh, and so it has real sentimental value. It does. It really does. It's not just one of these bull roar blankets that you get. No, no, no.

I mean, when I was 18, did my mom make me a new one? Just in case she did. Right. And she took a little piece of this one and put it in the corner as like a joke. It's somewhere, just as like a backup. But this- Wait, I have to ask you. You said that this was a piece of the nightgown that your mom wore when she was pregnant with your brother?

Yes. Is this like when you get a second dog and you rub a blanket on the new dog and have the old dog smell it? She hosts a cat podcast, Jesse. Sorry, sorry. She hosts an imaginary cat podcast. She doesn't know that trick.

J. Keith, why do you hate this blankie so much? You know what? I'll rephrase. Why do you hate Sarah's beloved Mimi so much? Oh my God. Well, first I want to stipulate, I have no judgment about her having this blanket, about her wanting and loving this blanket,

about needing this blanket to sleep. This is not an argument about that. This is a dispute about the blanket itself. And I really don't feel I have to say anything else, frankly, just looking at the photo. I find it jarring to look at. I find it jarring to touch, which I do by accident sometimes in the same bed. Yeah, I just, I find it. It's as if he steps on a Lego when he touches it on accident. Yeah, no, it is a disruption when I accidentally touch it. It's not just,

ooh, what's that? It interrupts any kind of serenity that I might have accumulated at bedtime, which is a particularly sensitive time when one would want serenity. What sort of noise does he make when he accidentally touches Mimi? Oh! That is not far off. All right, that's fair. I also have been known to leave the room.

And listen, I get that. I mean, growing up, my parents would be like, what are you going to do if you get married? And we're engaged. For now. And what are you going to do? Like if you get married and we're engaged. And what are you going to do? Yeah. And I said, they will just have to learn,

like, you know, to deal with it. It's because it's wedged here and it holds my head up and it's so comfortable, especially when it's cold. You still, you still, you still sleep with Mimi wedged up on the side of

your face usually when he leaves otherwise it's just under the pillow any moment that he leaves during the day you'll just run right over and go oh oh oh my god oh thank you mimi sometimes no to be fair one of her her initial solution had been to keep it within her pillowcase. But we all know a pillowcase is not a secure Mimi holding device. There's very often slippage.

I was going to ask, it's not sentient, is it? It's not crawling around. Not exactly, but it definitely seems to have a life of its own. But as you pointed out, Sarah, it does have sentimental value has history you have a piece of evidence uh that displays this history may we look at that now what else do you have you know what you're right what else do i have jesus christ i just show slides

talk to people on stage. Oh my God. You know, the end of the tour I thought it was going well, but now I see what I'm doing, Jessie. No, it's going so well. You know, I used to do comedy on television. I used to have an act. I wrote books and things. And now I'm talking about a baby blankie.

John, I host NPR's least popular program. The only thing that's going to get me out of this soul hole, honestly, is if I turn around and see something very adorable. So, fingers crossed. Oh, look at that. That's a historical photo, a real one, not one that Jesse's friend from college made. What are we seeing?

Say to the listeners at home what we're seeing here. Sure, sure. So this is a little bitty baby Sarah. That's you. That's me. Yeah. You're cute. You know, I'm probably like, you know, three or something.

Right. And that's the original Mimi when it was two sides of flannel. You're saying it only has one side now? There are no sides. This is a Mobius strip? It is now just strings and knots. Right. And who's that? And that's my mom. With you, someone who works at the airport? Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's a stock photography model from a bank advertisement in 2005. She's always wearing those giant headphones. Oh, okay.

No, who is that really? That's my mom. That's your mom. And you're very cozy there. You're not moved by this scene, Jay Keith? Oh, I think it's a lovely scene. I would be happy to have this photo in bed. I mean, I don't want that.

Yeah. Jay Keith, are you opposed to sleeping with comfort objects in bed? Not at all. Not at all. No, I have no problem if this were a teddy bear. Do you have a teddy bear? I don't think that's what this case is about. Do you have a...

Still, I'll allow it. Yeah, yeah. I do not have a teddy bear. That you sleep with. You don't have a comfort animal? We have two actual animals. Oh, right. Two cats.

Two cats. How do they feel about Mimi? I don't know if they've ever met because I really try to keep Mimi away from everybody. Knowing one of our cats, I think it would lead to disaster.

It would. Jay Keith, do you ever sleep with like a body pillow? No. With a picture of me on it or something? Not anymore. Okay. I mean, well, I guess I'm asking is,

would you if they were available on the MaxFun store? I mean, if it helps the network, sure. Sure. Okay. I'm just doing some market research. That's all. Yeah.

And to be clear, I totally get about sleep is difficult and it's challenging and whatever you can do to make yourself sleep better. I totally get that. You just want to deny that to your fiance. It's this particular object in this particular condition that I have a problem with. Again, you sleep with Mimi sort of under your sort of what are you a side sleeper I I like if I'm on my back then I like it just like wedges my head right here otherwise it's like how do you all do it your head just like falls right to the side there's

nothing there to sort of like hold it up so so would you say this scrap of cloth is your primary source of personal and emotional support? Sometimes I use a shirt. Well, how does Mimi feel about that? Probably not great. And why is Mimi no longer Mimi? Was it ever a personality or was it always an it? No. We can take the slide down, please, by the way, and bring the lights back up.

It was always an it. I think it started probably in high school or college. Right. And it just became a baby blanket that would just sort of live in my pillowcase. But somebody took it once and put it in my dorm trash can. Whoa. And what happened?

Murder? I can't say. Okay. But you recovered it from the trash, and now it's in your bed. That's also very comforting to think about. Yeah, looking at the photograph, I was a little concerned that the adjective

that would best describe this blanket is crispy? It's not crispy at all. It's knotty. No. No. It's knotty. No. No. It's full of knots. K-N-O-T-T-Y, not the other one. It's full of knots.

There are no accidents in this life. You might be right. You might be right, Dr. Hodgman. We know she a nasty freak. I untangle it like once a week. You untangle Mimi once a week? And what's the cleaning procedure? Does Mimi stink?

No. All right. How do you clean Mimi? No. I will hand wash Mimi. Okay. Because I think it will deteriorate. It will?

It will. And what are you doing when she hand washes Mimi? Vomiting someplace? I have not been privy to that. As far as I know it has not been clean since we've been together. It has. Okay. That makes it kind of worse because you can't really tell.

Sarah jumped in very quickly on the odor question. So I'm going to ask you, J. Keith. Does Mimi have a smell? To be honest... He would never get that close. Yeah, I would never get that close. You're exactly right. What is it that disturbs you about Mimiimi so much uh there's the text this sounds a little bit like the the repulsion i feel when i think about underwater robots underwater rodents yeah i have a phobia what's like in a submarine ride at disneyland yeah yeah you know how they're those

right you know how they're those animatronic mermaids and mermen down there, just like constantly waving? And I could fall into that lagoon at any time. Right. I'm worried about it right now. I'm closer than I've been in years to falling into that oily water and knowing that they're down there going like this. Right, right.

And it literally freaks me out. I relate to that. Honestly, I'm losing blood in my head like this. Right, right. And it literally freaks me out. I relate to that. Honestly, I'm losing blood in my head right now. Right. I'm going to lean on this thing. It's called submechanophobia. It's in the books. Oh, okay.

It's a real thing. Maybe I have that. Well, do you have that kind of reaction to this blankie? No, it is not. There's definitely a big part of my reaction that is not logical. It is purely visceral. It is purely some sort of trauma is triggered in me by touching

and or seeing it. How do you feel in your tummy-tum? My tummy-tum feels boom-boom. My tummy-tum feels boom-boom. Your Honor! Oh, no, that's me. I'm the judge. Yeah, I do have a bit of

the same kind of visceral reaction like if I were to see a hard-shelled insect scurry across the floor suddenly. Like I have a little bit of that kind of panic jump reaction and yet it is in the place where I would like to sleep. Make a note that I need to get a hard-shelled insect

to scurry across J. Keith's floor. No, please don't do that. No, no, it's going to be great. It's going to be fun. You're going to love it. Keep you on your toes. What would you have me order if I were to order in your favor, J. Keith? Destroy this blanket? No, no. God, no, no, no. I'm a sentimental person. I keep

a lot of things. I understand that. Oh, no, no, no. I'm not just saying toss it in the garbage like you're a roommate in a college dorm. I mean, destroy it in a very sentimental burning ritual or... No. Viking funeral type situation. Yeah, exactly. Send it off on a little raft into the lake in

MacArthur Park or something? Yeah, I don't know. I have no desire for her to get rid of it. I would like to have it not be in the bed. Not in the bed. Not in the bed. Which I also understand. Good. But refuse.

Which is fair. You can understand and still say, no, I need to have it in the bed. That's what you would have me rule, right? Yeah. I mean, I'm open to compromise. What compromise would you be open to? Like to put it in a mesh laundry bag or something

so that like he wouldn't feel the strings. We're already having texture issues. Like I'm not sure adding mesh to these knots.

And then wrap it in sandpaper and then dip it in silly pudding. Well put it in its own pillowcase maybe. Put it in its own pillowcase, maybe. Put it in its own pillowcase. Yeah, with a little knot at the end.

With a little knot at the end. A little knotty knot. Oh, boy. Sarah, J. Keith, I have to ask something that the whole audience is thinking. The two of you are engaged and share a bed. When you are engaged in engaged activities,

is the baby blanket in the bed? I'm talking about kissing here. Sure, sure, sure. I make sure it is out of reach. Do you put a little blindfold over his eyes? Which is not a no. I, yeah. Which is not a no. I... Yeah.

Would you like to incorporate Mimi into it? No. Look. No, God, no. People like what they like. I'm just trying to... Absolutely not. I would not yuck that yum,

but that is not what I'm into at the moment. I understand. Just wait till you see this hard-shelled beetle that comes scurrying across your floor. That's my love language. Your love language is triggering people's phobias? Right now we're working on building the world's weirdest OnlyFans. Let's take a quick recess. We'll be back in just a moment on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Let's take a quick recess. We'll be back in just a moment on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes

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And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Do you believe, Sarah, that you would be able to successfully rest your little head and sleep soundly and have sweet dreams if Mimi were knotted up in a pillowcase? Is it the knowledge that Mimi is there in the bed with you that's important or the feeling of mimi against your face that's an excellent question and i only ask the good ones it it's the feeling against my face i think only because i mean it as growing up it was like always something

there that was comfortable so it's still still comfortable. Sure. But I'm just saying, is the compromise that even you propose going to work for you? I can try. You can try. But it's not satisfactory to you? That would be, you know, if that is what the judge rules, I will abide by that ruling. Well, of course you're going to abide by my ruling. Would that be satisfactory to me? Sure.

Let the record reflect that J. Keith said no. Yeah. No, no. If you want a solution where neither of us are satisfied, that sounds great. J. Keith. Do you cohabitate currently? Obviously you do, right? Yes.

You're not getting ready to move into. Right. You already share a house and a bed and a blankie and everything else. These cats and whatever. Did you bring anything eccentric, unusual, very personal into this living situation? Yes. I'll allow Sarah to answer the question. He's a huge Batsamaru fan.

You're talking about bad, bad Batsamaru fan you talking about bad bad Batsamaru I am yeah now Jesse you I'm gonna Jay Keith

you've been set up I was told about this ahead of time oh okay I didn't understand what it was then and I still don't understand okay

after it was explained to me by Jesse can you explain Jay Keith not much no well okay Bad Batsamaru is a character

is a Sanrio character in the hello kitty family of uh characters sure and for reasons that i cannot explain i have been collecting items with botsmaru on it for over 20 years he's he's a naughty penguin who's friends with hello kitty yeah yeah how many items are we talking about sarah i mean mean, when I moved in, we got rid of quite a few. Oh, really? And there are still quite a few. Did you get rid of them in a burning ritual of some kind? We sold quite a few

and got, yes. How many items would you estimate now? Ballpark figure, ballpark figure. Are we talking about just ones that are on display currently? Do you have a rotating exhibition? There are some at the museum. Sounds to me like Jake Heath's got a storage unit.

I mean, I mean. We're in the dozens, if not. Okay. I was going to say like 100, 150. 100. What are we talking about? Figurines? All of that.

Face cloths? Where are they displayed? Name it. They're there. We have primarily kept them, which, thank you, to the bathroom. So there's a bad, bad Batsmaru bathroom in your home? Yes. For when you go boom, boom. There is a Batsmarum.

Is there a bad, bad what? Batsmaru. That's what we call it. We call the bathroom the bathroom. Is there a bad, bad Batsmaru bidet in your bad, bad Batzmaru bathroom? No, that's one of the few things we don't have. But I would not be opposed to getting one. Okay. We're already too close to your personal lives now.

I'm sorry. I brought anything that deals with your bum bum. Let's keep it to your boom boom. Yeah, exactly. So you want you want me to order him to get rid of a couple of dozens of pieces in return for i don't know i think he wants you to keep mimi in like a a safe or like a blanky jail one of those things from ghostbusters they used to trap the ghost.

Sure. Very unstable. Uh-huh. Yeah, very unstable. The EPA doesn't want those. EPA is the bad guy. I'd be happy if, like, you know, there were 12 less Botts-Brew things.

Sure. This is what you need to say, J. Keith. I am not on trial here. Go ahead. I am not on trial here. Go ahead. I am not on trial here. Yeah, you are. I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I will go into my chambers,

which means kneeling behind this beautiful mahogany Masonic temple desk. I'll be back in a moment with my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Good luck on you. Sarah, how are you feeling about your chances in the case? About my what, I'm sorry? Your chances in the case. I feel pretty good.

I feel pretty good. I'm mixed about how I feel about this situation but I'm feeling pretty good how are you feeling that's my job Sarah it's your show Jay Keith stick to your cat podcast Jay Keith how are you

feeling I was feeling good till the whole Batz Maru stuff was mentioned. And now it seems to be I have to pay for this decision in Batz Maru item removal, which I'm not as much looking forward to. You already knew that I was your boss at the Maximum Fund Network. You didn't know I was doing opposition research. I did not know about the oppo. Sarah, how does it feel?

Sarah, how does it change your feelings about the case to know that i have my blankie cubby in my bed right now you don't i do that's where cubby lives where exactly without her where exactly uh right next to my pillow sometimes under my head sometimes between my fingies The feeling is very comforting to me. And sometimes when I take a nap, I put her over my eyes. Same. This is a really cute conversation,

but I... We'll see what Judge Hodgman... I have to remind you that this is very uncomfortable. We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. Thank you.

As the blood returns to my head, I've been thinking about this case. First of all, one question I might have asked is, your mom, is she still living? Yes yes and how do you think she would feel knowing that um you know your beloved is repulsed by her gift to you she'd go yeah that's what she would say she agrees with him yeah oh okay good yeah well i've really enjoyed hearing about Mimi

from you Sarah and Jay Keith I've really enjoyed hearing you say me me me me me me me no I couldn't help myself and make that joke that's not how that doesn't exactly reflect my verdict. You know, I had a blankie named Blankie.

Blankie came with me to college. Blankie was in bad shape at that point. Blankie was mostly less blankie, more whole at that point. And I did not have any self-consciousness about it. But ultimately, I sent Blanky home. I don't know where Blanky is right now, and now I wish I had Blanky. Blanky went to live on a farm. Blanky went to go live on the Blanky farm?

Upstate. And so it comes to me to decide whether or not to send mimi to the blankie farm to exile in a drawer do you think that mimi has feelings no okay good no i like that it's hard not to anthropomorphize things that you love like um a blankie or a stuffed animal or a particular brand of gin. All of these become things that you trick yourself into feeling that they have feelings. It represents something. Yeah, but I'm glad that you don't feel

that this has feelings and that you're willing. Jay Keith, you should note that Sarah is willing to put her beloved thing into a suitcase and imprison it there for your comfort. That's a big sacrifice. I didn't hear suitcase as an option. Oh, I'm sorry. Pillowcase is what I meant to say.

Yes, yes. Sarah is willing to put her beloved object into a pillowcase and knot it up and imprison it there for your comfort. Now, J. Keith, I've had some fun saying that I'm going to trick you by putting a beetle in your house and that sort of thing. But your comfort is is important everyone's comfort in a cohabitation situation particularly if it's one that involves hugging and kissing and sharing the same bed is very important and I am forced to believe you when you say this makes me feel sick to my stomach the fact that you have to leave the room if not the house, sometimes when this thing comes out, is something that I take very seriously. Now, of course, my recommendation

to all romantic partners who live together is to not share a bed. If it's within your means, get the largest bed possible so you have enough space to sleep and toss and turn and fart in. And then you can come together when you want to. Of course, it is well known that the best arrangement for romantic partners is to have two separate king beds in villas that are separated by a reflecting pool, which is still an ambition for me. I just don't want to deny Sarah her Mimi. I'm sorry. And I think that the sacrifice and the compromise that she suggests

is not going to work for you, Sarah, ultimately. But I think you ought to take what you can get. I think that you need to put Mimi, you got to put Mimi in a, better to put Mimi in a pillowcase than in a corner. You know what I mean? Nobody puts Mimi in a corner. No.

And there are, there are pillowcases that zip up. Do you know what I mean? And some of them are specifically like barriers for pests and insects because whatever's living in Mimi wants to come out. Just turn it inside out.

I think that's a big compromise. I will order you to get rid of six of these weird penguin items. Just put it in your storage unit. Put it in your storage unit. You don't have a storage unit? I'll get a pillowcase. You know what? Yeah, that's exactly right. Thank you, Jay Keith.

You're a good podcaster. This is what's going to happen. You're going to put Mimi in a pillowcase. And you're going to put six of these bad penguin items in a different pillowcase. With their sharp cornered heads. Look, I don't know. Maybe you can get some washcloths at something with this character.

And you're going to sleep with them too. And they're going to have my picture on them. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge Sean Hodgman rules. That is all. Jay Keith and Sarah, thank you for joining us on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast.

From the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every

Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go call s-t-o-p p-p-a-d-i it'll never fit no it will let me try if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p p-p-d-c-o-o ah we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, we're taking a break from the stage at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in L.A. We've got some things going on. Let's talk about them. Not least of which are a strike. Yeah, Jesse, I literally have nothing going on other than getting a chance to speak to

you and all of our podcast listening friends on Judge John Hodgman once a week. Thank you for being a member of Maximum Fun. But all of my entertainment writing and consequently acting work is on hold as the WGA, both East and West, continue to strike for a fair living wage and to ban artificial intelligence robots from professional entertainment. Sorry, robots, but we literally need to eat. You don't.

So there you go. And I'll just say, I was out on the picket lines today and I saw our friend Starley Kine. Oh, hi, Starley Kine. Television writer for dave and search party and also one of the greatest radiophonic creative minds in the biz host of the late and lamented mystery show which you can still listen to and should but starly has since over the past couple weeks starly has been shutting them down shutting down productions she and her friends

stayed out picketing till two or three in the morning i believe it was to shut down a shoot of the tv show evil and uh they they learned and they were schooled by by the by the teamsters by the crew they're like you have to pick it and you have to keep picketing don't walk away because if you don't walk away we won't cross your picket line. And consequently, nothing against the show. Evil is nothing against the show. Evil.

They're great producers. And Asif Manvi is on that show. But this is how we do it. We are we are picketing and we are stopping productions to make it clear that we won't stop asking for basic living wage, dignity, and, and humanity, literal humanity in the, in the entertainment process.

And I just saw Starly today and it's just been so exciting. So thank you for all of you who have echoed our message. So thank you for everyone who's amplified the message of the strike in worlds in which. So thank you to everyone who's amplified the message of the strike in worlds in which, um, so thank you to everyone who's amplified the message of the strike, uh, in New York, Los Angeles, and all around the world in our listening audience. And if you want to know what's at stake and why it matters, even to you, a person who may not actually be a professional television or film writer, uh, go to the link in my bio at Instagram. It's the quickest way to get to the WGA writers

strike hub, which lays out all of the things that we're fighting for and all of the things that the studios are absolutely refusing in the most egregious fashion. So that's what's going on. I'm glad to say it's going well. I mean, we're being heard and we're being understood and we're being understood as part of a larger labor movement that is trying to claw a little back from of the profits that have been made over just the past five to 10 years by big companies. You know who they are, both entertainment companies and otherwise, and get back some dignity for the workers. So again, entertainmentcommunity.org. If you want to support people financially who can't work during the strike, and that includes all of those workers who in solidarity are not crossing the picket line, the crew and the Teamsters and so forth, and are not getting paid as a result.

This community fund helps them too. And I just want to say to any members of IATSE out there or the Teamsters, we thank you for standing in solidarity with us and helping us learn how to be better strikers because you're really, you know, we're all in this together. And I really appreciate your help. Well, let's get back to the stage of the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever Cemetery and Judge John Hodgman live. Let's bring out our next set of litigants. Please welcome to the stage Laura and Lucas. Our second case of the night is tater tort.

Laura brings the case against her husband, Lucas. Lucas calls himself the humble son of a potato farmer. Laura says that's wrong. His father was actually the manager of a large potato chip company. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman

re-enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. Potato chips. How my mouth just drips. Potato chips. How my mouth just drips. Potato chips. Crunchy, crunchy, crunchy. Crunch, crunch. I don't want no lunch.

All I want is potato chips. Potato chips. No matter where it is, you'll find a bag around. Could even be at a bar or at a picnic jesse even a baseball ground bailiff jesse thorne swear them in laura and lucas please rise raise your right hands do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you god or whatever yes i do do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his 10-year campaign to be sponsored by Utz Potato Chips has been

a total failure? Yes, I do. Yes. Oh, my God. You're wearing him down. You're wearing him down. Tom Utz. We had, like, we had the Utz people on the line. I was DMing with Tommy Utz or whoever is running the place

and he's like, yeah, we'll definitely sponsor your podcast. And then that dude ghosted me. Oh, I could have had the crab chip for free. I could have had those cheese balls for free. And also potato chips. Oh, by the way, are you done

with your thing? I think so, yeah. All right. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Lucas and Laura, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors. Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom? The lyrics to a song. Laura, why don't you go first? Oh, it's the lyrics to a song?

Yeah, that's a hint for you. It's a song called Potato Chips. I'll say that it's an Utz Potato Chips jingle. Okay, that's a good guess. You're picking up on a lot of context clues. Yeah. Lucas, well, you come from a long line of potato chippers. Surely you know all the songs about potato chips

that have ever been recorded in this country. Lucas, you're your chip, people. Yeah. It wasn't the beast. Salt of the Earth, huh? Oh! Dang. It wasn't the B-side to the Buckner and blah.

Garcia. Another guy, Garcia's Pac-Man. Pac-Man fever? Yep. No, it's not arcade themed. It was the B-side of Disco Duck. By Rick Dees. By Rick Dees.

Yes, I'm very old. There's a sign for a bar near here that says Disco Duck Boogie and Cocktails. That's true. That's real. I walked by there. They're having a party in there tonight. Oh, big time. Go check it out.

I get nothing from them. No sponsorship from Disco Duck. No sponsorship from Utz. It's a mess, Lucas. You know what it is? Well, you know. You're a farmer. You know what it's like to work hard, to dig in the dirt, to grow ideas, only to have them taken from you by coastal elites

in Los Angeles, California. All guesses are wrong. That is a song called Potato Chips by Slim Gaylord. An incredibly fun recording artist that my friend Adam Sachs introduced me to many moons ago, and honestly, I should have sung it.

I should have sung it instead of read it. You wouldn't have recognized it, but it would have been more fun. Maybe at the end of the show. Meanwhile, Lucas and Laura, let's hear your dispute. You're a son, you're a humble son of a potato farmer, I hear. Yes. Well, where

did you do your farming? I didn't do the farming. Oh, right. Your dad. Yes, it was my father. Your pappy, would you say? No, no, father. Dad, dad. Yeah. Okay. Where did your father do his potato farming? In a little town in Sugar Camp, Wisconsin. Sugar Camp, Wisconsin. This is pretty goddamn adorable so far. It's a pretty good God or whatever damn adorable. And why, Laura, do you say that this is

not true? Well, he uses this to introduce himself in polite conversation with, you know, co-workers or strangers. And that's like the first impression that people get of him. And it's not, he's not the humble, he's not humble. He is the son.

His dad is technically farmed a potato field, yes, but he didn't own the land. He didn't own the machinery. He was the manager of the field. He managed like five guys. So technically, yes, he was a potato farmer. He managed a potato farm and a five guys? No, no, no.

There were five. They're famous for their potatoes. From what I understand, there were five guys that were his workers. That would only be during the busiest times of year, planting and harvesting. But I heard that he was the manager of a potato chip factory or something. No, no, no. No, that was incorrect. I must have misread it.

There was some misunderstanding. I thought we were going to have a fun conversation about potato chips. They were used. Okay, so the potatoes were used for a very big large potato chip conglomerate yes which one the big one should we say not let's just say i don't look let's just say let's just say he worked for a certain granny goose i don't know all the big potato chip conglomerates. I'm just a simple fan of Utz potato chips. A regional brand started by a family

that doesn't return my phone calls. Please, sir, what's the big one? You can tell me what's the big one. Frito-Lay, which I think is owned by Pepsi, which is owned by Yum! Brands. Right, of course. Yeah, well, you sure do know your farming. owned by Yum! Brands. Right, of course.

Yeah, well, you sure do know you're farming. Why do you introduce yourself as, I mean, literally, I'm a humble son of a potato farmer? Yeah, so that started sort of as a joke because it was probably some election season. Ha ha! It was some election season somewhere,

and you know how politicians always like to do the, I'm a son of a diamond miner, even though the asshole owns the whole diamond or emerald mine and is a billionaire. Are you referring to someone? Maybe. Wait. Were you suggesting that diamond miner is a folksy profession?

That was your poll for folksy profession? I get it. The lights are hot up here. I guess if you're the one in the mine, maybe you can get crushed. They don't call them blood diamonds for nothing. I think he was making an oblique reference to a certain owner of a certain social media platform. And a guy who makes the jankiest cars on earth oh yeah sorry well sorry I didn't get it so you started as a joke and in an election season yes and also it had the

side benefit of annoying Laura oh always yes of course right and and how often does this happen? Oh, these days it's far fewer. Because everybody now knows me as the humble son of a potato farmer. Your reputation precedes you. Yes, exactly. Laura, is it the case that this habit has dwindled? Oh, yes. Ever since he started working from home and there's less and less new co-workers, which is sad.

Yeah, but he could be going into chat rooms and saying it. That's true. He could. He could if he would stop working sometimes. Laura, why does it bother you? Well, originally it's because I didn't, when I met lucas which when it was like 20 years ago um his dad was not a farmer he was not um he was like the manager of a was it a senior living facility at that time and then so it was not it didn't occur like it was not a thing when i knew him and then when his co-workers came up to me i was like is he really the son of a potato farmer? I was like, no. No, no. He's just telling you.

Wait, he doesn't explain it later? No. So you laugh at it privately? It's not a joke? You don't explain it and get the laugh? Everyone understands his reference to Lamar Alexander at the Iowa Straw Poll

or whatever. to Lamar Alexander at the Iowa straw poll or whatever. I like that. So I have to explain is the thing. I'm the one who has to explain to his coworkers that he's not really- So you have to do the punchline to his setup. Yeah, and it's like, I don't wanna do it. I don't like it.

To me, he's not a potato farmer, although like technically is, you know, because he was, but it just annoys me also he says the humble the humble son totally lies it annoys you i like the idea of people people knowing what his dad does for a living and then you go to them which was managing a senior care center and and then sorry this is a little roundabout getting uh it's the last night of the tour i don't know english anymore i apologize i like the idea of you going to people saying uh uh them saying is his dad really a potato farmer and you thinking

is that how his dad describes taking care of senior citizens? Yes, right? They're like, no. He's got to give the jello to the potatoes. Turn on the wheel of fortune for the old potatoes. One of the taters is acting up again. Turn off the lights,

they like the dark. The tater's crying because he's remembering the war. Oh my gosh. Some of these tater's kids don't visit them. Well, I would say that your father was involved in two valuable professions. Taking care of elderly people and making potatoes that I enjoy eating. But what the hell do you do as his son? Are you running for office?

Not yet. Not yet. No, I'm saving that in my back pocket for later. Okay, good. What do you do for a living? I'm a software engineer. A software engineer. Yes. So this is just a joke right it's also like a sort of it's not the humble son yes the the humble part is definitely a joke the it's uh the potato farmer part is just a way for when i'm introduced to various

california co-workers to be like uh i come from a very rural area, I guess. And is that true? That is 100% true. Have you visited, what's it called? Sugar Camp. Sugar Mouse. Yeah. West Wisconsin or whatever it is.

Sugar Camp. Yes. Yeah, I thought I was from a small town, but his town beat my small town. It's way smaller. Is it important to you to feel a connection to your rural growing up? Did you have a rural growing up? Oh, definitely. Yeah, I was there the whole time until college. Yeah.

What kind of, would you go fishing? There was a little bit of fishing. Okay. What was it like in Sugarcane? Tell me all about it. I think we just summed it all up. A lot of trees. Yeah, I would think that there is probably some maple syrup making going on. There is definitely, yes. That's how it got its name, yeah. Yeah, I would think that there is probably some maple syrup making going on. There is definitely, yes.

That's how it got its name, yeah. Yeah, exactly. You chase a hoop with a stick? You didn't make any maple syrup, though. When the potato crops, you know, when do the potato crops come in? It'd be the fall. In the fall. Yes.

So in order to ensure a good harvest would you have a lottery well island of the blue dolphin joke next is that kind of rural community yeah i know yeah why is it important for you to maintain this uh connection to rural roots and even play them up with some folksy language just as sort of to remember i guess would you ever move back there hell no right you don't have any standing here do you flora i mean you're just annoyed by yeah your husband's joke husband right yes yeah just annoyed by your husband's joke oh yeah a lot yeah yeah i don't have any standing

i'm not a farmer i know farmers and i know like to say that you're the humble son of a potato farmer like connotes a certain lifestyle growing up you know waking up with the chickens or whatever. You mentioned that you knew some farmers, Laura. Oh, yes. So I grew up in also a small town, not as small as Lucas's. Where would that be, if I may ask? Oh, it's called Carroll, Michigan. Our graduating class was like 150. His graduating class was 60. Right, that's quite small. It was multiple towns to make up that city. We're not talking about your town anymore. 60. Right. That's quite small.

And with multiple towns to make up that city. We're not talking about your town anymore. Where's Cairo, Michigan? Is that upper peninsula or lower peninsula? In the thumb. In the thumb? You ever go to a great lake? Oh, yeah. Which one do you like to go to? Lake Michigan? Well, I mean, we used to go to

Lake Huron and then the water level started going down. So now you have to walk like, I don't know, 100 yards to get to where the water is. Boy, that's not fun to hear about. No, it's sad. But we both went to college in the Upper Peninsula, so we used to go to Lake Superior and stuff like that.

Did you major in leaving pies to cool on windowsills? Yes. Yes, pasties. Pasties, that's right. What is the pasty i've read about them a pasty is well actually lucas is the expert on pasties i am quoted on wikipedia for my pasty presentation in college yes say that again say that again into the microphone my name name is mentioned in Wikipedia as a reference because of a presentation I created in college. Dude, when you meet someone new, lead with that.

Yeah, right? That's much better. You don't need this confusing-ass potato thing. Jordan, I love you. I'm really glad you're here. I love you too. Guys, I love you I'm really glad you're here I love you too but guys I love you we all love each other

in the future don't f***ing steal my verdict I have not seen the verdicts ahead of time but you got there first. Rule of comedy. Of course, I was forced to wait. I was going to have to kneel behind that dumb desk

and pretend that I didn't know exactly what I was going to say. Now I'm going to have to come up with something else. I can do it. I can do it. Sorry, Daddy. I'll give you a back full of my tea. Oh, no! Out! sorry daddy i'll give you a back full of my teeth now they like it i know i know yeah before i before before i make my verdict

jordan do you have any other uh questions uh that you want to ask or jesse i don't know i don't really have a a specific question. I guess my question is to find out which of you two is a real farmer. So I guess I want to know whether you drink buttermilk for breakfast. Like a real farmer does. On this stage it's farmersonly.com. Backsplash. Pies. Let me ask you this question in your rural communities.

What did you call pancakes? Johnny cakes? Flat jacks? Flat breads? Sweet rounds? Mummy? Mummies? Sweet pancakes.

Just pancakes. Just pancakes. All right. Breakfast roundies. Laura, are you offended on behalf of the farmers that you... Sweet pancakes. Just pancakes. Just pancakes. All right. Breakfast roundies. Laura, are you offended on behalf of the farmers that you know? Well, yeah. Yeah.

I kind of am because I know farming families. Like, I have friends that I grew up with because I grew up in Carroll. Yeah, we've heard a lot about it. Yeah, sorry. And it's like they, everyone was like involved with the harvest, like the whole family. And they, you know, would they know when the when beans are planted and how to tell when it's ready to harvest them? Like, you don't know when to harvest potatoes. Oh, I didn't claim I was a farmer, though.

Yeah, that's true. Just the humble son of a potato farmer. But, like, my friends are not farmers now. Well, one of them is. She's never not going to be a farmer. It offends you. Yeah, I'm the farmer Lorax. I speak for the farmers.

There we go. All right, I've heard everything I need to know to make my decision. I'm going to descend into my chambers. I'll be back in a moment from my room. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Lucas, having heard the verdict earlier, how are you feeling about your chances in the case?

Wowie zowie. Laura, how do you feel? Slightly better than I did earlier because he had come up with a thing that he wanted me to do. I might probably, I shouldn't have mentioned it. Shoot. That if he won, he wanted me to wear like a t-shirt

that said, the humble son. Oh no, a wife of the humble son of a potato farmer. And I was like, I don't want to wear that shirt. No, no, no, no. I know. I know. That's why I shouldn't have mentioned it. No, that's okay. It was written down here. I could have done my job.

Lucas, if I rule in her favor, you want me to make her wear a shirt that says a wife of the humble son of a potato farmer? No, no, no, no, no. Not a wife. What the hell is going on in Sugar Camp, Wisconsin? Just wife of the son. There's no plants for you. How many wives does a man need to usher elderly people into death?

Oh, my God. No, I'll restate that. How many wives does a man need to raise a spud in sugar camp? Just one. Okay, interesting. I'm still down here thinking. Jesse, you want to ask any more questions? Please rise as Judge

John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and delivers his verdict. Laura Lucas, I've giving a lot of thought. Do the thing Jordan said. Thank you. Thank you so much. I mean, it's a genuine brag. You are quoted on the Wikipedia page for pasties, I presume? Yes, yeah.

That's a great brag. That's a great brag. That's a great conversation. You know, the best conversation starter there is. What did you do today? Because everyone did something. It's a lot better than saying, how are you? It's not a joke. It's just true.

Try it out. You're going to see. Suddenly, it's going to be OK to talk to people. The 99.9% of our audience will say, I'm an introvert. Suddenly, you're going to realize, fine. Just ask people, what did you do today? All of a sudden they've got a story to tell. And then you've also got a real brag.

You've got a real brag. A humble son of a potato farmer is a funny thing to say when people are aware that you're making a joke. But it does kind of make fun of your dad. Kind of make fun of farmers. Not of make fun of farmers not cool and also it's not meant sincerely you're a real brag you're quoted on wikipedia page about pasties then people are going to say what's a pasty and i don't blame them because i don't even know what is it oh it's this meat pie that has potatoes and onions inside you Came over from Cornwall. No, Rutabagas. Not potatoes. Now see how we're getting to know each other? Like, I want to know

you now, but if you said, do the thing that you used to do. Humble through the line? Hey, my name's John Hodgman. How are you? Oh, I'm Lucas, the humble son of a potato farmer. What is wrong with you? I don't get what this guy's up to. He's playing some kind of weird mind game with me, and I don't get what this guy's up to.

He's playing some kind of weird mind game with me and I don't want to get to know him better. I wonder, his wife seems nice. I bet she's probably from Michigan.

I'll talk to her instead. Thank you. I wasn't into the joke until I heard his delivery. What? I mean, it's all in the delivery. In any case, I rule in favor of Laura.

This is the sound of a gavel. That's it for this week's episode. Thank you to our litigants who joined us on stage at the Masonic Lodge at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles. Thanks to the folks at the lodge who were wonderful and gracious hosts. A very special thank you to my friend and yours, John, Mr. Jordan Morris. Jordan Morris, co-host of Shooting the Breeze, Jordan's and my somewhat annual podcast about cheese. By the time you're hearing this, we will have recorded our big settling of all your cheese beefs for this year's Shootin' the Breeze. So look for it in your members only section of your

MaximumFun.org membership. It'll show up in the bonus content feed soon. And even if you're not already a member of Maximum Fun, anyone can listen to Jordan, Jesse go. The show where Jordan and I do, there's no premise to the show. Zero premise. It's won awards. I promise people like it. It's a funny show. It's the most meaningless show that exists, but it's very funny. Evidence and photos from this show are posted on our Instagram account at instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman. Follow us there. Join the conversation about this week's episode on the Maximum Fun subreddit over at maximumfun.reddit.com. Judge John Hodgman created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. This episode recorded by Matthew Barnhart and produced by Valerie Moffitt, Richard Roby,

and Jennifer Marmer. Our thank you to all of them. Richard was on the road with us. So grateful to have his help. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.