Judge John Hodgman - Live From San Francisco Sketchfest 2019

Episode Date: April 3, 2019

This week's episode was recorded live at San Francisco Sketchfest! The first case is "Bleach of Contract." Then, Nnekay FitzClarke of MINORITY KORNER joins the stage for Swift Justice! She helps the judge rule on cases about home clutter, fancy dog breeds, and song key changes. Plus music from Martin Luther McCoy! Thank you to Sarah McCulley for naming this week's case! To suggest a title for a future episode, like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions.

Hey everybody, it's your judge, John Hodgman, here to tell you that this week's episode was recorded live at the Historic Castro Theater as part of San Francisco Sketch Fest. Ineke Fitz Clark from Max Fund's own Minority Corner podcast joins us on stage, as well as our musical guest, the great Martin Luther McCoy. And wow, this episode is a wild ride. So if you're driving, I trust you're already buckled up. But if you're not driving, go into your car and buckle up and join us on stage now at the Castro Theater. San Francisco, you've come to us desperate for justice. And we are here at the Castro Theater to deliver it.

Let's bring out our first set of litigants. Please welcome to the stage Raya and Somali. Tonight's case, bleach of contract. Raya brings the case against her friend Somali. Somali thinks Raya should dye her hair. Raya is opposed. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference.

Then I was in Saint-Tropez at a café and there was another woman with long white hair, very chic. She was very sexy. I said, okay, you're the third woman I've noticed who has white hair, so tell me, does it take courage to get your hair? And she said, no, it takes curiosity. Well, I needed male agreement, you know. And so I called my brother, who is 10 years older than me,

and he said, at last, you accept your gray hair. Accept what? You accept your own beauty, he said. I like white hair. And I said, I thought men hate white hair. And he said, no, men hate women who hate themselves. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, swear them in. Raya and Somali, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. Or whatever. Take this seriously, please. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that what appears to be hair on his head is actually an optical illusion?

I do. I do. Judge Hodgman, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors. Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I rose up from my chambers? Raya, why don't you go first? My barista from yesterday?

Your barista from yesterday. We've been following you. Drone surveillance has worked out. All right. I'll write that in the guest book. Oh, you seem really prepared. Let the record show for those listening along at home that Somali has a book of 100 guesses.

A notebook of some kind. She's worked out a few of them. I'll admit them all. Go ahead. John, that's the bestseller, 100 Things to Guess on Judge John Hodgman Before You Die. Well, my first guess is John Frieda, the British celebrity hairstylist. Okay, I'll put that one in. John Frieda, the British celebrity hairstylist.

Okay, I'll put that one in. John Frieda, next guest. My next guest is a line from the popular musical Hairspray. A line from the popular, well, okay, Hairspray. I'll just write that down. And my third guest, I only had three. I didn't get to the hundred. My third one is a line from the book Mr. Penumbra's

24-hour bookstore by Robin Sloan. By Robin Sloan. A very good book. Yes. That's a good guess. That's a total of one, two, three, four guesses. All guesses are wrong. Why did you, but I'm very curious to know why you made those guesses. I mean, the John Frieda one, I can understand. Hairspray, just this afternoon, I was having a little lunch with my friend Jonathan Colton. I said, I do not have a cultural reference for this afternoon. He said, Hairspray. I said, no way. Someone's going to guess it. That's why it's the Judge John Hodgman podcast, not the Judge Jonathan Colton podcast. That's why it was my first one, but then I threw it out. But since you said I could use multiple, I did. And why uh the the uh Mr. Penumbra's yeah um because I recently finished it and when I finished it I

read the back flap and I saw that you had given it accolades so I figured I uh would mention the fact that you had shot it and given it accolades just a shot in the dark a shot in the dark yeah no no all guesses are wrong that that quote is actually from Sophie Fontenelle, who is a French journalist and Instagrammer who for the past couple of years, now she is fully gray, but she decided to go gray and wrote about it and documented her going gray on Instagram

and it inspired a lot of people to reveal the natural color of their hair as they got older. Raya, for those of you who are listening at home, you cannot see. Raya has a beautiful hair that is a mix of gray and brunette. It is untreated at this time. I mean, I don't mean to. Basically, what's going to happen? How uncomfortable can we make John?

The main thing is... Sumali, you want Raya to dye her hair. Raya, you don't want to. And you did the right thing by coming to a straight white man... to decide what beauty is for you. So I'm going to listen to both sides, and then I'm going to decide how you can look so that you have worth in my eyes.

How does that sound? Well, I figure that's historically accurate. Good idea. Yeah, right. This is how it was always done, folks. If I may, Judge, Raya brought me here here so i really had no decision in this i see so raya you bring this case before me for justice what is the justice that you seek i seek uh that sumali stop insisting that i dye my hair and accept that it is nice and beautiful and from now on when she slips up she has to do an about face and say something nice about it all right

you guys first of all are you friends yes yes yes and i have physical proof of our friendship what is the physical proof she and i have matching tattoos oh are they in a place where you could share them on on stage or just a place where you could share them on a podcast on stage well let's get to it please okay we're ankles are being revealed i think and i i have to come around here and the it's a what there's also a third person who has this tattoo as well he's also a friend of ours and in the audience. He was yelling? Yes. It would be awesome if it was just like Spider-Man flipping the bird or something.

What is your name, Yeller? Rabana? John, Ribena. Ribena. Ribena. Don't do that again. Also, Judge, I'm married to him, so I can tell him what to do. Oh.

Well, so can I. The three of you share a tattoo, and I caught a glimpse of it upon your ankles. And it looked like bubble tea. Is that what it was? Yes. And so why do the three of you... What is your husband's name?

Rafael. Rafael. Does he also have one on his ankle? Yes. So why are you the three bubble tea musketeers? How did this happen? So we met when I first moved to California. What part of Canada did you move from?

What Raphael calls southern Canada. There is only southern Canada. Minnesota and Wisconsin. There's southern Canada and then the wastelands. I moved here from Wisconsin and Minnesota where I grew up. Oh, okay. Oh, I see. Great.

Because I thought I heard a little aboot face in there. Yep. All right. So you moved to California and you met these guys. Yes. Who were much more worldly and well-traveled than I am. Uh-oh. And started introducing me to strange new things. One of the first things

Somali did was take me to a boba tea place. How did you meet? We met in college. Oh, okay. Oh, you don't want to go more in depth with that? Oh, sorry, is there more of a story? We bonded over a tattoo to begin with. A tattoo that you do not have? No, we both had tattoos when we met, and there more of a story? We bonded over a tattoo to begin with. Oh. A tattoo that you do not have? No, we both had tattoos when we met, and she had had a tattoo for a while, and I had just gotten my tattoo, and hers is in a visible place, and I felt the need to show her my tattoo,

which is not in a very visible place. So she pulled me aside to a bathroom and ripped down her pants and said, Welcome to California! I'm so glad my mom doesn't listen to podcasts. What were the other tattoos? Well, one was a can of Ribena. Mine's a sea turtle.

Mine is a heart with a star inside it. And these are the tattoos you had before the bubble tea? Yes. Well, your taste is improving. You're growing as people. I like that. There's more tattoos before the bubble tea as well. Okay, well, do you want to just go through?

Do you have them listed in your notebook? I do, actually. Yeah, please. I have four total. Give me the image. Alright, bubble tea. I have the bubble tea. I know about... The heart, the swoopy heart with a star inside it. Swoopy heart with a star inside of it.

And I have a large elephant on my back. Oh. And I have an Indonesian batik motif. It's a design from Indonesia. Very nice. Yes. And do you expect you might get more tattoos in the future? Very likely.

Like perhaps one of Judge Sean Hodgman? We'll see how tonight goes. Yeah. It may be a punishment, you understand? Yeah, I understand. I think that probably would be a punishment. Yeah, I understand. Okay, so how long would you say you guys have been friends for?

2003. Yeah, 2003. Okay. Somebody do the math. The bubble tea era. Right. The bubble tea era. Yes. And when did you start going gray? Oh, well before I met Somali. I started going gray when I was probably 14 or 15. Right. Okay. And did you dye your hair to hide the gray for a period of time? Many, many years. Yeah. So when did you decide to start stopping that? Sorry. Probably about four years ago, we figured out.

Yeah, about four years ago. I just got sick of it. Yeah. And it looks great. Thank you. I mean, yes. I'm going to say this. I mean, you said that Somali was more worldly than you

when you came here from Wisconsin. You look like a sophisticated world traveler. You look extremely worldly and cosmopolitan compared to your friend over here. I hide the redneck well. And so, Somali, why are you upset that she is letting her hair be gray and trying to pressure her and make all these comments to get her to dye it again? I should be clear.

I'm not upset per se. I've made passing comments here and there, maybe a little more frequently sometimes than other times. But at the end of the day, I agree with you. She looks gorgeous right now. She's absolutely a beautiful, stunning woman. I also know she looks absolutely smoking hot when she does dye her hair. I've seen her when she's dyed her hair, and it looks even more gorgeous.

So I do want that for her. I feel that can be an empowerment. She's a very empowered woman and I feel that can be even more empowering when she does that. I also feel she does a lot for a lot of people, her friends, her family, her co-workers, and I would love for her to do more for herself. And one way to do that is through self-care. So that's another reason. And the third reason is... You mean self-care like putting a lot of chemicals in your hair? That you don't want to put there? Well, you know... For the benefit of others?

She puts chemicals on her face as well and, you know, that happens. The lipstick, the blush, all that. And then also... You know that it's her body. Yes, oh, totally. Absolutely, 100%.

This is 100% her decision, yeah. All right. Do I misunderstand? It's actually now 100% John's decision. This is true. This is true. Well, no, because that's not what's at stake here. You want me to order Somali to stop making comments.

Because why? How does it make you feel when she says... What kind of comments does she make, first of all? What will she say while you're out enjoying bubble tea? It's much along the lines of what she was just talking about. That I was so beautiful when I had my nice, long, dark hair. She misses that. Yeah, let me just understand. She's not a parent of yours, is she?

No. She's not your mom. No, but my mom's on her side. Well, look, it's often a mom's or dad's or parents' prerogative to make occasional or frequent or hourly undermining remarks that make you question yourself and your decisions because they have difficulty letting go of the total control they had of you originally john you know to allow you to be a whole human being is to accept that they are going to eventually die and become dust john you know my mom is here, right?

Am I wrong? Jesse's mom? So how does it make you feel when Somali makes these comments? It just throws me off because it's taken me a little while to get used to the grays and just kind of become comfortable in my own skin, which is something I'm always trying to do, and I think that's true for a lot of people. So yeah, it's Was it an emotional thing for you to go gray or to reveal the gray that was already there? Did you feel self-conscious at first? What was your journey like? Definitely. There was a lot of, do I actually want to do this and it took me a while

I'd stop dyeing it for a month and then there'd be an inch of gray and it'd go back to dyeing and then stop dyeing it for six months and then dye it again so it was a process right because you were taking some step backward second guessing maybe dye it again

so overall do I notice that there's some color at the ends now? Is that natural? So the gray is mostly just on top. So what you're seeing at the ends is where it hasn't gone gray. Okay. So this is all match right now?

This is all match. And how long did it take you to get there? Oh, well, I started by cutting all of it off. So then I grew it out. That's the way to do it, I suppose. Yeah, I started by cutting all of it off. Oh. Then I grew it out. That's the way to do it, I suppose. Yeah. It took about two years. All right.

And Sumali, you want to undo all of this emotional and... All this patience and emotional work? A hundred percent. Well... Why is it so important to you? Can you make a case for why this is not good for your friend? Let the record show for those listening at home that Sumali just winked in an ambiguous way at Raya.

I can't make a good case for her to not do anything she doesn't want to do. So if she really wants to stick with the gray, sure, go for it. And if she's happy with it, it happens. Are you sure? Because there's a reason why we're here. Again, the reason we're here is because she brought it here. I mean, sure. Does Raya have difficulty expressing her emotions to you? When she said, it was hard for me to grow it out, it took

some time for me to accept myself, and it was a lot of work, and I'm glad where I am now. Is she able to say that to you? Has she said it to you before? She hasn't said it to me before, but I believe it based on other life events we've gone through together. I'm glad your default was,

should I even believe her? No, no, no. I completely believe her. Is that true, Raya, that you haven't expressed those feelings to? I don't think I've been that clear before. No? Why not? Because it could have ended. This all could have ended a long time ago.

I mean, I presume that you are not friends with Somali because she is a monster who doesn't listen to you when you express your emotions. So why? Because she is a monster who doesn't listen to you when you express your emotions. So do you have difficulty expressing those emotions to her? And if so, why? Well, I think I'm still growing into the gray. There's still a small part of me that's like, oh, but small, I could do this really cool thing with my hair. Wait a minute. You want to do this to her hair?

Yes, sir. Go on. I didn't realize that she had robbed you from the opportunity to play with a doll. Well, a willing. A willing participant. And when she has dyed her own hair in the past and it's gone awry, she's come to me to fix it. So she knows I'm capable of helping maintain and take care of her hair. I do my own hair.

Let the record show you have really cool hair too. Thank you. It is many colored. It is. How would you describe the colors that you have put into your hair? Currently the box tells me that it's a deep burgundy color. And I've added a streak of sort of a shock of blue. A shock of blue. A shock of blue.

A shock of blue to it. Burgundy and blue. I agree with the box. My eyes confirm that. But you're not a hair care professional. No, sir. You're just an amateur. I'm very much an amateur.

A hobbyist. But I've been doing it for nigh on 20 years now. No, no. The evidence is right before me. You're good at it. Yeah, well done. So You're good at it. Yeah, well done. So she's good at it.

Yes. This Going Gray, this journey of self-discovery is not just a cover story for Stay the Hell Away from My Hair. Correct. All right. Somali, you submitted some evidence. Yes. And we have some photographic evidence that you are going to help me describe.

Let's see the first piece. Ah, yes. So what we're seeing here in the Castro Theater in San Francisco at San Francisco Sketch Fest is a woman running her fingers through very long, dark hair with gray highlights, it looks, at the bottom, and then some weird buzz marketing. There's some Twitter account up there.

But I don't know, maybe that's your, is that your business or something? No, no, no, no, I have no business. I pulled some sample images from a popular social media website okay, and so this You can kind of see it may be under different light But it's sort of a deep purple at the top and then it sort of fades out towards the bottom This is a look that you would you would like to try out on on Raya for your own amusement one

like to try out on Raya for your own amusement? This is one potential color. I think, honestly, she would do well with, let's say, a non-natural color. She can make that really work. She has the personality and the attitude to pull off some shocking kind of color. Okay. We know she's a bad dude with a rude toad. Let's look at the next piece of evidence. Okay, here's again another picture of a woman running her fingers through the back of her hair.

This also came from a popular social media website? Correct. It seems to be a very specific thing. It's one that you use if you want to pin things on boards. And that sort of thing. I got it now. I had assumed LinkedIn. This particular one is known as an oil slick. So the idea is

it's sort of a black background with highlighted rainbow-y colors coming through as you would see in an oil slick. Yeah, it looks pretty cool. What do you think think of that Raya? I actually think that's beautiful. I think I actually told you about that She introduced me to the idea of oil slick, but a lot of maintenance, which I'm not into right, okay So you don't want that on your head? No, I want to just be able to comb my hair and go alright next one Okay, this is a different one.

Now the woman is staring... staring at me. Hello, lady. I think that's the look I give Somali after she's asked me three times in a row. So this one is similar to the deep burgundy I have currently. This one I think the woman probably started with lighter colored hair, maybe a white or

gray and achieved this sort of purpley burgundy as opposed to myself where I started with black hair so I have more of a red burgundy. I see. Okay, and next, is there more? Okay, now this is another person looking at me. Another hair color that you would like to try on your living doll, Raya? So this one and the previous one are solid colors, easy to do. The previous two, the first two were ones that would require a lot of upkeep and care,

but this one, this current sort of deep red one and the previous purpley burgundy one are ones that could be easy, you know, color from a box and go kind of thing. Okay. How many more looks do we have? I believe that's it. Let's see. There might be some images of Raya. Oh.

Yeah. Okay. So this is you and Raya from a previous life. Yeah. This was Raya's wedding. And this is when she had very dark chestnut brown hair. And you know, happy wedding. Thank you. You both look like you're having a great time. Do you miss that look, that dark chestnut hair? I miss the look. I don't miss the work I had to put into it. Right. Now that's

something that you brought up, which is maintenance. Yes. I, as Jesse Thorne may have mentioned, my hair is nothing. It is basically painted on Charlie Brown hair. It is the thinnest and limpest strands of hair ever devised by evolution. My hair care regimen is a pea-sized amount of Johnson's baby shampoo that I then style with a wisp of a light breeze. I am not used to the regimen of taking care of real hair, never mind hair that has been processed and colored. You mentioned that with your hair, your natural hair, you can just comb through and go.

But with the oil slick hair, it's not real oil, is it? Is that why it's hard to comb? No, it's not real oil. No, but it's harder to get a comb through? Is that what's going on? No, it's just constantly, you have to- I don't know, that's why I'm asking. I didn't think it was oil.

Raya's like, that's an oil slick hair style, but I just want to be able to put a comb through and go. And I'm like, well, maybe there's something I don't know about this. I'm able to admit that there's stuff that I don't know about. Not much. But the maintenance then is more keeping the color intact rather than how it affects the texture of your hair. Keeping the color intact. And it also damages your hair.

I mean, you're putting tons of chemicals into it. Right. So there's conditioner and... And expense. And expense. And Somali, are you going to help bear the expense of Raya's ongoing hair color regimen if I were to help you succeed in bullying her? I would argue based on my trips to Raya's bathroom, she already uses fancier shampoo than myself.

So if she switch... Yeah, because that's actually called self-care. I'm not going to allow you to sit there and shampoo shame Raya. I would not help with the ongoing expense. I could help with the startup part. You know, you could have lied. I appreciate your honoring your oath and telling the truth, but you could have made your whole case a lot more sympathetic if you had said, yes, I will help. I could, but I would not. I am the one who wants this.

She doesn't. Therefore, I will donate the hair dye so that I can play with my friend's hair. Right, but there's a third person who would remind me constantly if I didn't keep up my end of the bargain. Who's that? Raphael. Raphael! Raphael!

Obviously, Raya should be able to have her hair the way she wants. If I were to order, if I were to rule in your favor, this would be basically a gag order on Somali. She can't make comments anymore. Is that correct? Yes. And if she slips up, which that's fine, everybody slips up, just turn around and say, actually, it's really cute. And if

I were to order in Raya's favor, how would that make you feel if there was truly like a gag order on this topic? Truly a gag order? I could probably honor it, and if I did slip up, I would say something nice. I have no problem

giving her compliments. Mark of a true friend. Your Honor, may I add something to that? Please. In our house, we have a tradition of wearing sashes, which Sumali does not appreciate. So if she slips up, I would say she also has to wear a sash for the rest of the evening.

In your house, help me to understand this. May I add her home is referred to as the goat manor. The what? The goat manor. Until very recently you could look it up on social media but they took it down. I don't understand any of that.

I don't understand what's happening. Goat? G-O-A-T? Correct. Okay, manor. I know what a manor is. Why is it referred to as the goat manor? Does LL Cool J live there? Not currently.

Oh, God. It's a long story. It is a long story short. College roommates were obsessed with goats at our wedding. We got blessed by Billy T. Goat, and a very long speech in our house was named Goat Manor. But you don't own goats. Not yet. Are you going to get a goat?

Eventually, we're going to make a commune, and there will be a small herd of goats with corgis to herd them around. This is very exciting. This is our retirement plan. I'm not going to lie, that is dope. Where do the sashes fit in? Are you forming a new society? Kind of.

By sash, are you talking about like a beauty pageant sash or like a European prince sash? So imagine a beauty pageant sash but with like cephalopods or fish eyes or end of the world scenarios or something printed on it. I can imagine that. Why didn't you bring this up the minute you got here? We like to save the good stuff. I'm starting to feel like we wasted a lot of time on Boba. How many sashes do you own, Raya?

20-ish. Well, we have a lot of people over, and we need sashes for everybody. To be in your house, a person has to wear a sash? Frequently. There's also robes. Robes? For people who are uncomfortable with sashes. But I can't imagine why anyone would be uncomfortable with a sash unless that's all they're allowed to wear in your house.

No, no, over clothes. No, over clothes. So Molly, why not wear a sash? That's dope. Because the sashes were made by her mother-in-law for her spouse when he was in high school because he wore sashes to school. And I just feel uncomfortable. Good question.

Are you still married? Yes. Happily married? Yes. Your spouse's name is? Dieter. Dieter? I am so excited

to learn You guys can come over for dinner and wear sashes. that somewhere in this great nation in the late 1990s or so, there was a heterosexual male teenager fancier than me. So I refuse to wear the sashes because I feel like that is something from Dieter's childhood that he should hold on to and be comfortable with.

And I don't want to partake in. And the robes are for people who aren't comfortable with the sashes? Do they also have end time scenarios on them? Well, they're big old annihilation time robies. There's also a hat shaped like a squid, a rainbow colored squid. Sure. I'll wear the hat. Yeah, I mean, that's reasonable.

Other question, when people come over to Goat Manor, do they also have to sign their life savings over to Dieter and disconnect from their families? We're working on that. Uh-huh. I forgot what this case was about. Where am I?

More importantly, where is Goat Banner? It's in the outer sunset. I'm going to presume that the outer sunset is a neighborhood of the Bay Area that I'm not familiar with. And not a celestial body that you have imagined. I think my fellow San Franciscans in here will back me up when I say that the Outer Sunset is a neighborhood in San Francisco known for wild and outrageous

characters. Okay. Anyone want to make any other revelations before I go into my chambers? Would you like to know why we have the sashes? What's that? Would you like to know the story behind why we have the sashes? Very much!

So there's a large mythos that's involved with Goat Manor, but one of the myths... Of course there is. ...is that my husband... Thank you for bringing this initiate into your mysteries. She does do that. We do have ceremonies for that. Just let me give you all my money.

Do you take Apple Pay? Yes. Jesse, tell my family I don't miss them at all. All right. Just for reasons of time, does the mythos take more than 48 hours?

Not this one. Okay, go on. So you know how poisonous animals often have warning colors? Did anyone mention she's a marine biologist? Of course, of course I do. Go on. I'm not asking any more questions.

I'm just accepting the truth as it's revealed to me. So... Poisonous animals often have... Warning colors. Warning colors. So like monarch butterflies with bright orange.

I thought you said morning collars. A lot of poisonous animals are Edwardians. Right. Okay, yes, warning collars, of course. So my husband is a poisonous animal, but he was born without his warning collars. So his mom had to warn schoolmates somehow

not to lick him or bite him because they'd die. So she made him sashes. Do you remember how that sentence began, my husband is a poisonous animal? Yes. Would it be foolish of me to ask for any more clarification? Yes. Yes, because nothing is clear anymore, is it?

It's best not to question the mythos. I agree. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going into my chambers and I may never come out. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. There's so much that I want to know, but I feel like we have

other things to do on the show eventually. And like one question will lead to a million more. So I guess I will just ask Somali, how are you feeling about your chances in this case? Maybe 50-50. Ha! Maybe 20-80?

Raya, how are you feeling? I don't know if the sashes were for or against me. Well, I guess we'll have to see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about that. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. When I read the original petition to this court, I truly worried that we would end up questioning my own sense of reality. Let the record show for listeners at home, I'm very shaken up. A sash will help.

Did you bring one? Right. You should have thought of that. I totally would have worn an end-time sash. I'm a believer now. I didn't know that there would be much talk because obviously Raya's hair looks fantastic. And my opinion doesn't matter.

The opinion that matters, of course, is her own opinion. And she has testified that her journey has been hard but well worth it. And she loves her appearance as it is. And a true friend would support her in that. And not try to, you know, pester her into putting chemicals in her hair or rather be a test subject for Somali's own Barbie barbershop. I didn't think we would have much to talk about at all. Obviously I rule in Raya's favor.

I mean, it's just first of all common sense. Second of all, it's her body. That's a tentative law, but I've now learned there is a higher law. There is the law of goat manner. Even if I felt that Somali for a moment had a point, I'm never going against goat manner. I actually need to let you know it's Our Lord the Capybara. Stop saying words, both of you. Our Lord the Capybara. Capybaras

are the world's largest rodent. They like to swim in swimming pools on YouTube. You're saying that the capybara is above Raya and Dieter? The capybara is the lord of Goat Manor. He is our lord and savior. as the lord of Goat Manor.

He is our lord and savior. For only with the Capybara may our teeth always grow. All right. I've got to get control over this again. For now, briefly, I'm in charge. Here are my orders. Sumali, lay off. It's not your place.

Maybe someday Raya will want to dye her hair, and she will naturally turn to you because, obviously, you guys love each other. But Raya is her own person. Your own subcult of the bubble tea tattoo. She is not what she owes allegiance to. She owes allegiance to herself, and obviously a mythical capybara.

However, I further order that a sash be made available to me as swiftly as possible. Make that happen. to me as swiftly as possible. Make that happen. Along with what tenets of your personal religion you feel safe and

desirous to reveal to the rest of the world so that we may spread them among Maximum Fun listeners. I love this so much. You are truly greatest of all time. Goat Manor. I find in Raya's favor, this is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all.

Our thanks to Sarah McCulley for naming this case. Raya Somali, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you very much. I look forward to my sash. Whatever the copy bar thinks is best for me, I will accept it. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year.

Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. you have no choice but to embrace because yes listening is mandatory the jv club with janet varney is available every thursday on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts thank you and remember no running in the halls if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-o-d-c-a-s-t-i hmm are you trying to put the name of the podcast there yeah i'm trying to spell it but it's tricky laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-o-d-c-a-s-t-i-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself.

A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Oh, my goodness. That was amazing. Yeah. But we have more amazing justice to dispense and as well, a very special musical guest. Jesse Thorne, tell us a little bit about

who will be favoring us with a song. Well, you might know him from his work with the hip-hop group The Roots. You might know him from his performance in Julie Taymor's Across the Universe. You might know him from his 8x 10 in my dad's favorite breakfast restaurant, Breakfast at Tiffany's. Please welcome to the stage the brilliant Martin Luther McCoy.

It's a pleasure to be here. I feel like you guys might have heard some of my songs before. This first one is inspired by the last guest we just heard from. My mom used to make me sashes Back when I was in high school She said, get over yourself Back when I was in high school She said, get over yourself and stop And let's make it happen, yeah

And the way I think it is overdue Now, who asked you to pretend If you're ready, I mean really It's over, do not Who asked you to pretend? If you're ready I mean really Then don't hesitate to get up Get up, get up Let's get it in Cause we've been waiting for you

For this moment to arrive We've been waiting for you. You give me power and I want to touch the sky. We've been waiting for you. We've been waiting for you now. Let me know if you're ready to come up, ready to touch the sky What if we took that chance and Dream big, get out the box Get in how you live, get involved

And we can get it all Let's do it with sashes, yeah I wanna see you Shine and light The beautiful stars you are. And I know you're ready, baby. You don't have to know till you let go, let go. Let's go through the night now.

We've been waiting for you for this moment to arrive. We've been waiting for you Ayyyy We've been waiting for you now For this moment to arrive We've been waiting for you babe Let me know if you're ready to come up Ready to go Ready to come up, ready to touch the sky. Thank you. Yeah, I'll make it quick.

She wants to know I don't call her back I'm chasing my music dream Now I miss her too, but that don't change the fact I'm chasing a music dream She wants me to be the best that I can. I want to be seen for all that I am. But sometimes it's hard to live up to demand. It's wrong for me to lead her on when my flesh gets weak the truth keeps us strong but

nobody wants to be in second place chasing a music dream I sure hate that I put that look on her face from chasing a music dream when she only wants what's best for my life to be my friend, my lover, my wife. But building a home is a great sacrifice and is that gonna take up too much of my time well I got to be all the man that I am feeling like no

one can quite understand you see I'm giving my love now I don't give a damn chasing a music dream. But being with her makes my spirit shine bright. And she is a gift her would not be wise. So I'll grab my guitar and get lost in my world.

Where is this place to which I've cast my pearl? Help me rescue the love of a boy and his girl Chasing a music, a fool and his music I'm chasing a music dream Thank you. Good night. Martin Luther McCoy. You can find Martin Luther McCoy online at martinluthermccoy.bandcamp.com.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound.

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Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans. Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs. They're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck.

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Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N dot com Bailiff Jesse Thorne that was some justice that we meted out but there's still some injustice left that we're going to have to meet out swiftly now and to do it I believe we have a friend of the court with us here this evening

absolutely she's a San Franciscan and half of the team behind the Maximum Fun Podcast Minority Corner. San Francisco, please put your hands together for Aneke Fitzclark. Let the record show for those listening at home that A Eke danced across the stage and is extremely and beautifully pregnant. And I, yeah, this whole thing is our attempt to recreate the viral magic of that time that Amy Poehler rapped on Saturday Night Live.

Welcome. Thank you for being here, especially since you are going to have a child soon. Oh, no, I'm happy to be here. Can I take this out? Yeah, please. Yeah, I'm Ali Wong in it. So, Anika, you are the co-host of Minority Corner on MaximumFun.org. Yes. And tell us all what your podcast is all about. Well, we are black, queer, and ladylike. Fantastic. Like Blue's Clues. Who listens? Anybody listens? Okay. Smattering.

Y'all need more black friends, so listen to us. That's what we're here for. And you talk about what? Politics, pop culture, butts, you know. The big three. Three great topics. And do you have any

mythos that I need to know about before we go on? Because I'm tired of being taken by surprise. I almost wear my sash. I do like an oil slick hairdo. And I preference butts.

Well, I hope you'll lend some expertise as we hear these cases. We're going to put a timer, 15 minutes on the clock to hear three cases in quick succession in a segment we call Swift Justice. Cool. And Jesse Thorne, when you're ready, call the first litigants. The clock is ready. Please welcome

Alicia and Mason. So, Alicia, you bring this case against Mason and your relationship to Mason is what? He is my partner and cohabitant. Ah, very good. Specific. I don't care if people get married anymore, by the way. I've given up. Not given up.

I've grown with the times. Do whatever the hell you want. Have fun splitting the bills. Now, what is your dispute with Mason? So last September, I wanted to put a box of his stuff that's been sitting out in our public space into storage. Yes. He resisted.

I see. Now, we... Physically, he resisted. I see. Now, we- Physically, he held onto it? He chained himself to it? It was kind of like a ball and chain scenario where he dragged it around the house with him. All right, what was in the box? It was fitness equipment.

Sashes? Sashes, fezzes, regalia? And a squid hat. I don't wanna hear about weird hats anymore. Fitness equipment. John, if you didn't want to hear about weird hats, why did you come to San Francisco? Good point.

And Mason resisted. And then what? Then we talked like functioning adults. Great. And then something obviously broke in your relationship because here you are. It's teetering. Well, like a lot of people in this city, we are struggling with storage space. And I don't know if everyone has been into the same Netflix shows that I have been, but... Look, you're talking about tidying up

with Marie Kondo. I think it's pretty clear that we were talking about Marie Kondo on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast 35 years ago. And I do not understand why I've not been invited on that show to fold some clothes and spark some joy.

But it's fine. Good for her. Obviously, this box of janky fitness equipment no longer sparks joy for you, Alicia. And Mason wants to keep it around and display it in the living room. Well, when we talked, he chose to bring up the fact

that I bring in most of the stuff. But you bring him most of the fitness equipment. Most of the things that take up extra space in the apartment other than storage space. So you countered by saying, well, you also have a lot of junk. Why are you talking about my junk?

Let me deflect with a completely fallacious logical argument by pointing out that there might be some things that you need to tidy up as well. It was a little spiteful, I admit. All right. Well admitted. John, my Latin's a little rusty,

but I believe it's the fallacy of I'm the rubber, you're the glue. And so where does this dispute stand now? So I would like you to order him to join me in my seasonal clear-outs and evaluations of our general stuff, which he does not do, and I do very regularly. I see.

Is that true, Mason? I would also say that I don't buy a lot of things. I don't bring a lot of things into the apartment. And this fitness equipment, are you using it or not? I'm not, and I... Okay, very good. No, that's... There's more. There's more.

Please, I beg of you. Do you have any questions for the litigants or any observations that you would like to make? Do you have $10 per month to spare? Sure. Planet Fitness is excellent. And then, you know, you can always just pay the money, and that's kind of like...

So I have, in conversation, as she was saying, I didn't say no to putting the box away. It just kind of sparked a larger conversation about something that has bothered me, and that's kind of a countersuit, which is... Wow. Which, if you would permit... I will allow you to move these goalposts. I will allow you to move these goalposts.

So I feel conflicted about it a tiny bit. I admit it's not an enormous amount, but a tiny bit, because Alicia both loves thrifting and is really good at it. She is, like, it's incredible. She will go a whole day, and no matter how many hours she's been going, she will spot that amazing little thing. Right. She goes thrifting every couple weeks generally i would say on average she does not come home with at least two bags of things and i and i uh i would say that her request that i

joined her in the seasonal cleaning kind of highlights my frustrations a little bit because by seasonal cleanings means every one and a half months, which means that things are building up. And so... Wait, wait, wait, wait. If you're cleaning out every one and a half months, wouldn't things not be building up? That would seem like, if you're going thrifting every week and coming home with two bags of stuff but then you're cleaning out every six weeks, that's a pretty good churn of influx to outflux, right?

But you also... Let the record show that Alicia is nodding with a proud look on her face. The frustrating piece is that we have very limited surface space to do anything, very limited counter space, table spot space, and that space is taken up. So she clears out, two weeks later she's thrifting, now there's four weeks of things sitting around taking up space, which gives... It's the ambiguity

that gives me anxiety that I have to be shuffling around, that feeling of anxiety of, you know, it's not totally an open space for me to use. Is your place a rat nest of junk? No, I don't want to make it sound like it's a catastrophe. It's more like we both really love our apartment and we've designed it in a way that I think we both really like. It's just that things start building up in the corner. And for me it starts feeling a little oppressive when the piles build up. I think what I realize now is that

you guys are candidates for a new project that I'm working on it's it's called the day to day sorcery of spiffing it up it's my idea

I come over to your house It's my idea. I come over to your house. And I put on my sash. And I speak a secret language to your house. And then I offer it gratitude. And then I touch everything you own. And then I go home and leave it up to you. Alicia and Eneke, anything you want to investigate further here? I don't want to...

I just feel like the box of junk kind of... Where did that go? I know, right? We started on something this is a very these are weird journeys we're going yeah i know what's the tangent i mean is it the box of junk or is it deeper what i think we have to evaluate here is is exactly that question right yes because i kind of feel like what I'm getting is this dude's got a box of dumbbells that he doesn't ever work out with.

Yeah, a medicine ball. Yeah, exactly. A speed bag, maybe. Body jiggler. Like this. Like a 19th century John Harvey Kellogg. Yeah. John Harvey Kellogg John Harvey Kellogg a relation of mine

also does he have those squeezies those things you use to strengthen your wrists like the NASCAR crew things what is the equipment that you have quick inventory if you don't remember it you don't want it they are dumbbells and a

shake weight If you don't remember it, you don't want it. They are dumbbells and a... Shake weight. Well, is buzz marketing allowed? I don't remember if that's... Yeah, I don't care about anything. Just go. And a TRX. Tiaras?

A TRX. Oh, a TRS. Isn't that just a DVD? There's something weird about those microphones. Every time someone says anything into them, I think they're talking about strange hats now. So it could be this box of junk. Yeah.

Right? That's the issue here. And my feeling is that Mason is throwing up all this other emotional stuff as a smoke screen. Yeah. You know what I mean? Protecting those dumbbells, man. It was the source of the resistance.

And once we started talking, I became more comfortable with the idea of getting rid of the box, but the larger issue was my frustration with the rest of it. How do you feel, Alicia? Is there any credence to Mason's argument? Do you feel like you could do

maybe some more churn? I could. Okay. But I... That shows a certain amount of self-knowledge and reflection that Mason is obviously incapable of. I'm glad that you didn't turn it on him and accuse him of something else.

What do you bring home from the thrift store? What kind of stuff? What's your thing? What are your collections? I enjoy home decor. Sure. Okay. So I like little ceramics that can hold things. I like...

Someone out there is groaning. Yeah. I'm getting a real tchotchke vibe going on. You know what? I love tchotchkes. Lots of tchotchkes. Is there a period or a style of tchotchke that you're interested in? I like things that speak to me.

Oh. Are you going to tell me that you're hearing voices? That these little ceramic copy bars are giving you orders? Everything she brings home is fantastic. Beautiful silver platters, some really nice, the little pots,

what do you call them? I'm terrible, I can't. Shot glasses? No, that you would like bake a lava cake in. Like a French onion soup bowl? That's specific. No, well, it's the size and shape.

Ramekins. Ramekins. Thank you. She brought home four. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, well, it's the size and shape. Ramekins. Ramekins. Thank you. She brought home four. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Alicia, you bringing home ramekins? That's not... Ramekins for $10?

I believe, you know that I believe in anything that electrifies you with happiness. electrifies you with happiness. John, who among us is not electrified with happiness by dipping sauces? She brings home ramekins that she found that she got for $10 that new cost like $78. But you know, ramekins are junk.

Ramekins... Ramekins are what happens when bowls shed. Do you know what I mean? That's not something, a decorative item you put on a thing. Unless you put like an air plant in there or something. What's going on in this house? I guess your ranch dressing's running all over your plate. Well, I'm not saying you don't need ramekins in your life.

I'm just saying that, look, everyone likes what they like, but I have never seen a carefully curated collection of ramekins. That made me feel like that is a good use of shelf space. I could be wrong. We'll find out when Hulu and I come over to change your life. But for now, I'm going to say this. That box of fitness junk is going on the street

unless you find a place to put it that is not in a shared public space. Right away. And then you guys are going to do a thorough man-ha-jo treatment. And you're going to throw everything into the middle of your apartment and you're going to touch it. And it's like, am I electrified with happiness? Yes? No. And you're going to give me $10,000. This is the sound of a

gavel. Thank you, Alicia and Mason. Please welcome Christina and Tyler. Christina and Tyler, who comes before me seeking justice today? Which one of you is initiating this case? I am. Christina, what is the nature of your dispute? Okay, so we have a dog named Boone, and Boone looks like kind of a Muppet mix, but she's actually a particular... Which Muppets? Animal. Animal mixed with whom? Zoot?

Okay. But she's actually a particular breed with kind of a long name. What is the name of the breed? Wire-haired, pointing Griffon. Oh, gasps. That's appropriate. Wire-haired, pointy, Gryffindor capybara, champion the third.

Bandersnatch. Okay. Oh, Frabjous Day, Caloo Calay. I understand that there are a lot of people, I am a cat person because I like being despised. I understand that dog people naturally always want to get on stage and say, I have this dog and here is its name. But there is a dispute here of some kind?

Yes, Your Honor. So when we take her out, people often ask us what kind of dog she is because there's some evidence to see. We're going to take a look at that in a moment. She's very cute. She has human eyes. That's right, yes. What is her name again?

Boone. Boone? Let the record show that Jesse Thorne is now waving at the picture. I love it. Can we bring down the side lights for a minute so we don't get the wash in the picture so we can really see her? Very adorable. This is her as a puppy. Deep, penetrating, human eyes.

This is her as a puppy? Yeah. Let the record show that Bailiff Jessie Thorne is now nuzzling the screen. Do you have another photograph? This is her as a puppy. Now let's see her. Yeah, there should be one more of her.

All right, let's take a look. Aww. And there she is in her yarn, Boonville Yard. I noticed that you've allowed her to become naturally gray. Keep Somali away from her. Might try to douse her in purple oil slick or whatever. Okay, so I can see why Boone attracts so much attention and people say, hey, that's an amazing looking dog. What kind of dog is it? And what do you say? Wire-haired, super dupe, whatever it is? Well, the dispute is that

I always make the effort to say the full breed name. Say it again. Wire-haired, pointing Griffon. Yeah, great. Because? Because that's what she is. Because that's what she is. And because I think that people are genuinely interested, and they might want to get one.

And if I were to say to my friend like um what kind of car is that I like your car what kind of car is that and they were like it's a sedan that wouldn't be very helpful so I take it that Tyler would prefer not to say the full breed name yes because he doesn't want to seem like some weird snob. I'm not sure what his poor reasoning is, but he tends to say she's a pointer or a griff, which is not obviously a sufficient amount of information. He never says that she's a sedan, does he? No, Your Honor. All right. What is your point of view, Tyler?

So I find that when people ask that question, I think maybe eight times out of ten, it's often just kind of small talk. And I find that if I use the full, lengthy, kind of pretentious breed name, it not only invites a lot of follow-up, but almost requires it. Because...

I mean... it because I mean so another name for the breed is corthall's griffon which is like even more what yeah so corthall's yeah it's it's the spell it okay you have to spell it convince me you're K-O-R K-O-R Everyone's gaslighting me tonight Spell it Don't think about it, spell it or else you're making it up How dare you Your reaction kind of proves my point which is like

It's a very unique and kind of bizarre name. You have not spelled it for me, Tyler. It's K-O-R-T-H-A-L-S. And that K talked to these people. I don't even know. That K was a twist. Yeah. As a proud dog owner of Zelda...

She's so smug about her dog. Zelda, maybe you've heard of her. She's, you know... Instagram famous, not really, no. She is a weird breed. She's a pit Rottweiler, but she's really cute. I never say her breed because being an Oakland person, it makes me extremely Oakland, so I get it.

So I usually just say she's, you know, she's fun when someone asks. What's my question? so what's my question um do you take her to dog parks often yes we're also in Oakland so we take her out a lot

and we sometimes take her to grift gathers Oakland was a good I'm glad you said Oakland because I don't know how many people would tolerate that. What part of Oakland are you in? Are you in East Oakland?

I kind of feel like this is a tale of two Oaklands. I know. But we also live in Oakland where we have grift togethers. Yeah, this is also kind of my point. We live in a place where it feels even more pretentious than i think it would in other places so i we did get made fun of that one time yeah

say that again well what so one time i told someone at a dog park when she was the puppy picture age that she was a wire haired pointing griffon and then he said also known as a corthall's minds of moria up john go on and this guy like said that we were fancy but like not in a nice way like you know yeah in an oakland way Yeah. In an Oakland way. I hate to break it to you. Well, she's like a discount. You are nice, but you are fancy.

You are fancy, fancy. Is that why you don't want to say the name of the breed, Tyler? You're out here going like, well, I don't think people really are interested because, and I'm like, well, he is a man. He does know what other people are thinking all the time. Or maybe there's an internal reason you don't want to say it. Yeah, that's at least half of it. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, because you're gentrifying.

I'm not saying this to be accusatory. I live in Park Slope, Brooklyn. I'm part of the problem. John, I'm born and raised in the mission if you need somebody to be accusatory about it. You feel a little self-conscious. Yes? Yes.

Yes, okay, right. Here's the thing. You have a fancy-pantsy dog, which is adorable. She's wonderful. And you have chosen to have a pure breed and you need to own that. Own your truth. If you're hiding what the breed is because you don't want to say the whole thing, you know, if you just want to save some time,

it's a mouthful, I agree. But you should own your truth. And if your truth is you have this beautiful, wonderful, naturally gray-haired dog that has this long breed name, then just look people in the eye and say, this is my... What is it again? The thing is... And let them decide if they want to ask you follow-up questions. And if they do, it's probably because they're curious. And it will spark conversation. And people say, you know, these guys are nice fancy pants.

Because you are. Well, to flesh out the record a little bit, I don't just say she's a dog and walk away. Well, I know. I'll say she's a griff, or I'll say she's a pointer. Yeah I'll say she's a pointer. Here's what you don't. This is where I'm... Don't just say, she's a griff. No one knows what that is.

No one knows what that is. That's not like saying, this car is a sedan. That's like I'm trying to think of some obscure sailing term. It's like, what kind of, oh, that's a very interesting boat. What kind of that? Oh, you know, it's a

12 and a half haven. You know what I'm talking about, right? No, just say, you know, Joel White, the son of E.B. White, decided not to become a writer but to become a boat builder. And he designed wooden boats, basically rescued the wooden boat industry from obscurity, and in part by modeling a new boat based on the old Hereshoff design,

of which there are only 307 made. Classic 12 1⁄2-foot sailing boat. They call it a haven, and the beauty of it is it's a teaching boat and anyone can learn to sail it and really more people should. Would you like to ride in my boat? And so you guys are fancy.

This is how we got our reputation as salt of the earth. I'm just saying I'm fancy. I know I'm fancy, right? But when you use a term like griff, you're essentially using a code that is exclusive. When you just simply say, this is my dog, it's a fancy dog, I chose to have a pure breed

for reasons of my own rather than have a fancy dog, I chose to have a pure breed for reasons of my own, rather than have a rescue dog, even though they need help. I'm not here to shame you, I'm just saying, we make choices, and sometimes the choices are gonna make the mob angry but we only have one go-round and Boone is your dog and she's beautiful and she happens to be the breed that I'm never gonna know what it is and and and you just own it and just say this is what it is this is the way we are and let people know you don't't hide it. Don't hide it because that's more insulting, I think. And so I find in Christina's favor, I find in Boone's favor, Tyler, you're nice.

Make a donation to an animal shelter. And have a great time with your dog. Thank you, Christina and Tyler. Let's welcome Anne-Marie and Patrick. Anyone, anyone, I mean, the beauty of the 12 1⁄2 Harishaw from the Haven is anyone can sail. Anyone can sail, and it's beautiful. It should be open to more. It should be open to more. It should be open to more people. Do you want to come on my boat?

Yeah, sure. I don't own one of these boats. Are you kidding me? We can find one. Yeah, no. The Marina. I'm sorry, who's here now? What new surprises are here for me?

Well... Who brings this case before this court? I do. And you are Anne Marie? I am Anne Marie. Yes. And I bring my husband. Yes. And I knew that he was the one when during our second date, he took me to a karaoke bar, which is amazing. Cute. So, tip. But since then, our favorite pastimes have always been just belting out songs. So, I have to read this. When we first started dating... No, you don't.

Put the notes away. When do I need to? You gotta be in the moment here. When we first started living together... You think I have notes? Yes. Do you think I look at them? No.

I get distracted. Okay, karaoke. Yes. So when we first started living together, we were living in our tiny little apartment in the Tenderloin, and we would sit on our bed, and we would YouTube karaoke songs, and then until now, And we would sit on our bed and we would YouTube karaoke songs.

And then until now, we also sing in our car with our two-year-old son. Trying to get you on my side. Oh, I'm a terrible singer. Oh, anyways. She's appealing to your maternal instincts, I think. Hasn't kicked in. No. Okay. It hasn't kicked in. No. Okay, what is your... So, I love the portrait of your courtship,

your deepening relationship, your relationship with Song. Very sweet. You have a child now. I feel like this is... I'm watching the pre-credit scene to Up here. I'm getting a whole picture. Yes.

Where does it go wrong? I love him, but every time that we're singing a song, we belt out, we go all out, we're dancing. And at the pivotal moment, and we mainly listen to 90s songs, so I don't know if it's current songs. Here it comes. Okay. Every time we're singing a song.

Yes, we're singing a song. We get to a key change. And it's like the best part of a song. And my husband goes, key change. Like, why? You know what? I apologize to you. That was masterful. You set a stage.

I think you might have accident. You engaged in the art of storytelling misdirection. You're the greatest storyteller in the United States today. Yeah, I'm like 75% sure you just won a moth story slam. All right. And that's the dispute? You don't want him to say those words anymore? He's basically ruined songs for me, but yes.

Yes. Specific songs or songs as a topic? Many songs. I can name them. Okay. Any Whitney Houston song. Right. They all have key change.

There's Living on a Prayer, Bon Jovi, you get to the point and like, key change. Can't do it. Sorry, I don't know that song. You're going to have to sing it for me. Living on a prayer. Now, wait a minute.

Get to the point where he does the thing. Yeah, you're halfway there. I know. Bombs going off. Yeah. Yeah. John, I know a couple white people things too, my friend. Let the record show that the roof of the Castro Theater just blew off into space.

And it was on fire. Can you do the key change from Living on a Prayer by John Bondiovi? You're the one from New Jersey. I'm sorry. Can you do... Can one of you sing the key change portion of the song? Yes or no? That's why I say key change.

Because I can't actually sing it. Oh, living on a prayer. Maybe that's where. Oh, living on a prayer. Living on a prayer. That was beautiful. Technically, that's

what you did was not a key change. No. Do you think you can stop yourself from saying these words Technically, that's what you did was not a key change. No. Maybe that's the point of the change. Falsetto. Do you think you can stop yourself from saying these words to make your wife happy? I mean, maybe make a mental note. I don't know if that'll bring as much joy in my life.

Why do you like saying it so much? It brings me joy. I don't know why. No. You're supposed to say, it electrifies me with happiness. Cut it out 50% of the time. I find it Anne-Marie's favorite.

All right. Thank you, Anne-Marie and Patrick. And, of course, our thanks to Enike Fitzclark from Minority Corner for helping bring some swift justice to the Castro Theater. And Junior Fitzclark for their contributions. Thanks to all the litigants who joined us on stage at the Castro Theater as part of San Francisco Sketch Fest. Make sure you check out the Judge John Hodgman page on MaximumFun.org, where we have posted the goat manor mythos that Raya provided for us directly from her secret society of a home.

Thanks to all of our friends at San Francisco Sketch Fest and the Castro Theater for making this possible. The show was recorded by Matthew Barnhart and our producer is Jennifer Marmer. This is the sound of me saying this is the sound of a gavel. That is all. Maximumfun.org

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