Judge John Hodgman - May it Freeze the Quart

Episode Date: July 10, 2024

Would you bring a freezer drawer to the local gelateria to maximize your home stock? Christina this is the perfect plan. Her fiance, Charlie, says there has to be a better way! Who's right? Who's wrong? With Summertime Fun Time Guest Bailiff Monte Belmonte!  We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Check out the evidence this week on this episode's page on the Maximum Fun website, or follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman.Thanks to reddit users u/knumbknuts and u/Think_Leg6864 for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at maximumfun.reddit.com! Judge John Hodgman: Road Court! Tickets are on sale NOW! For dates and more information, go to maximumfun.org/events.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm summertime, fun time guest bailiff, Monte Belmonti. This week, may it freeze the court. Christina brings the case against Charlie. Christina and Charlie love the gelato at a local shop in Edinburgh, Scotland. When their favorite flavor is in stock, Christina wants to bring their freezer drawer to the shop and buy enough containers to fill it entirely. Charlie, Hagen does not condone that behavior and is not a la mood to cart gelato in a freezer around Edinburgh. Oh, he wants to take Christina to Sunday school and desert the gelato.

Who's a soft serve? Who's lactose intolerant? Who's 32 flavors? And then one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman Banana splits the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. Bum, bum, ba dum, bum, bum, bum.

Ice cream man, upon my street, I hear your truck outside, really neat. Ice cream man, upon my block, I love your chimes, sir, they really rock. Go for it, Monty. Ice cream man, ring your bell. Ding ding. Play the music I've learned to love so well.

Ice cream man. Ding ding. Ring your chimes. Ding ding. In the afternoon afternoon so fine. Summertime, fun time. Guest bail of Monte Mil Monti, swear them in. Christina and Charlie, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole milk fat truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Ben and Jerry or Fudgy the Whale or whatever? I do. I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that the ice cream named Supreme Court Justice Breyer has, for obvious reasons, recused himself? I do. I do.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Christina and Charlie, you may be seated. Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom? We'll start with you, Christina. Is it an Andrews Sisters classic called Ice Cream Man? Your guess is that it's a song called Ice Cream Man, which is a terrific guess.

As we were singing it. By the Andrews Sisters. In your case, you're guessing by the Andrews sisters, by the Andrews sisters. I wonder if people even know who the Andrews sisters are. Charlie, what's your guess? I don't know. I mean, it was beautiful.

But is it? Buttering up the judge. Is it Ice Cream Man? Flattery will get you everywhere. Is it a song called Ice Cream Man by someone that is not the Andrews sisters? He's correct. Flattery will get you everywhere. Is it a song called Ice Cream Man by someone that is not the Andrews Sisters? He's correct. Ice Cream Man by, how do you indicate not in mathematics?

Tildy? Like a little, yeah, not Andrews Sisters. Anyone but the Andrews Sisters. Yeah, I'll hedge my bets. Yeah, exactly. This is not roulette, of course. So, in this sense, Charlie, an answer was correct. It is a song by Ice Cream Man by a non-Andrews Sisters performer.

But in the spirit of our competition, I cannot award you a summary judgment in your favor. The answer that I was looking for was Ice Cream Man by Jonathan Richmond and the Modern Lovers, a song that I came to love so well, many summers over and over and over again, listening to Monte Belmonti and his children, Atticus, Enzo, and Pax, guest-hosting a very fun children's radio rock and roll show called Spare the Rock, normally hosted by Bill Childs and his kids who are Ella and- Liam.

Long running, Saturday morning, children's rock and roll show originating there in the Pioneer Valley of Western Massachusetts. Now I believe Bill Childs is out there in Texas, right? I never can keep track of him. Is he in Texas? Is he in Minnesota? I think the station of note is in Texas now.

He's all over the place, but good for him. In any case, Monty and Atticus and Enzo and Pax would occasionally guest host that show. And Monty burned several compact discs of their guest hosting, which I then inserted into my compact disc player in my old car where they still live, Monty. And those radio shows of you all, the three and then four of you, hosting those fun songs, including Jonathan Richmond's Ice Cream Man,

played back to back, I happen to remember, in your playlist with Tom Waits' Ice Cream Man. Another great ice cream song. Yeah, I've spared the weights and spoiled the child in this case. It's just definitely it's it's part of the our role landscape, our role, our role. A U R A L. How do you say it in Scottish accent, Charlie? That'd be a oral. Oral. Landscape. The oral landscape. Of my summer over and over and over again.

We're recording now at the end of June. We're going, we're going straight into the summer. It's been hot. It's been hot here in much of North America. I don't know how he's been faring there in Edinburgh, birthplace of gelato. What's it like out there in the summertime? Charlie, Christine, answer the question. It's been cold and wet so far. And we've just had our first, and maybe our last day of summer. There can only be one, I hear, when it comes to things.

Usually there is only one. Yeah, one day. Highlander style. I got you there, Monty. Very good. Movie that I've never seen. Don't yell at me. Oh, wow. You know, we'll talk about summertime and summertime treats, including gelato, that famous Scottish dessert. Starting now, I guess. Let's talk about it. Okay, to paraphrase Good Mythical Morning,

let's talk about that. Who brings this case before me? I do, Judge. You are Christina, and you have a very light Scottish accent. Oh, I'm American, so it'll be traced, if anything. Yes, I knew that. Where are you from? Where are you from in America?

I grew up in the Midwest. My parents are from the East Coast, so. Oh, okay, where in the Midwest? Ohio. Why are you so cagey about it, by the way? I think because I was wondering if you were wondering about my accent. I think it's a bit of a hodgepodge.

How long have you lived in Scotland? It'll be three years coming up soon. And what brought you out there? The love of your life? No, no, found him here. Just by accident. Yeah. I was at a point where I could leave,

I was done with working in Washington, D.C. and I could have an adventure. So I did. I moved abroad. Monty, now I know why she's being so cagey. See how she used to, see, she's laughing. You don't know what I'm thinking about, Christina.

True. And I want to ask. Says here, Charlie is Scottish thinking about Christina. True. And I want to ask. Says here, Charlie is Scottish and met Christina at work. Are you both international spies, Charlie, you too, or just, okay, let's move on then. Clearly don't want to answer the question. This is very exciting to me. It says here you learned about the names

Hodgman and John put together, John Hodgman, through a podcast called I, Podius. That's absolutely correct. That's the one, Monty, that I recorded with Elliot Cailin about the British television show from the 1970s, the mini-series about ancient Rome called I, Claudius. I love I, Claudius. I remember it as a child. And I love that you did that podcast.

Let's talk about ice cream. Gelato. What's the problem in Edinburgh with the gelato? Well, there's not exactly a problem. I had the best gelato I've ever had in my life last summer at a local gelato shop. And it was a special flavor. So it's not on the regular flavor list. It comes up every now and then. The first time I had it was really life-changing.

And so for months and months, I went back to the shop to see if it was back on the specials list, and it was not coming back on. So I wrote to owner, purveyor of said gelato shop, and asked for it to come back, please. And I wrote, I think so imploringly that he brought it back the day after receiving email. So I woke up to this email at like 7 a.m. that my favorite flavor would be available that day. Very exciting. For national security reasons, I presume you cannot name the favorite flavor.

I'm happy to name the flavor. I actually think it helps my cause if many people go buy it because maybe it'll be part of the regular menu eventually. It's walnut Stracciatella. Walnut Stracciatella. Yeah. May I say? Sounds delicious.

Does. Delicious doesn't cover it, frankly. Well, you know, I am, I have a reputation that I've started because I talk about it, but I don't like sweets. But I do like ice cream, particularly savory ice cream, like a pistachio. And walnut stracciatella, that sounds bene to me. That's how you say, talk about gelato in Scotland, right? Bene.

Molto bene. Molto bene. That sounds, some Scottish walnutato in Scotland, right? Bene. Molto bene. Molto bene. That sounds some Scottish walnut stracciatella is for me. All right, so you wrote the purveyor, and we might as well buzz mark it the name of this shop. What's it called? Jolado. Sure.

If you were named Joe and you opened a gelato shop, I think it writes itself. Not if you were named Joel, but then opened an auto shop. Right. That's a different local chain. That would be really funny if they were right next to each other. Charlie, let me ask you a question. Did you grow up in Scotland or are you from Ohio and just better at the accent? No, I grew up in Scotland.

I grew up in the southwest of Scotland in a small town called Cookebury. Oh, wonderful. And is gelato something that you grew up with? Actually, yes. There was an ice cream factory not far from where I grew up called Cream of Galloway. Cream of Galloway. And did they make gelato or did they make ice cream or did it or did they make that that kind of UK ice cream that is made with lard do you

remember that non-dairy ice cream so you haven't heard of that lard maybe that was just a myth if anyone knows about this myth of there being lard in UK ice cream or British ice cream or whatever in the 70s or what have you. That's what I always heard, but I guess I was wrong. But in any case, Charlie, is Jolotto a well-known gelato shop in Edinburgh? I think in Edinburgh, yeah. He's got a couple of shops. Okay.

So you emailed him saying, please bring back the walnut stracciatella. Next day, you receive an email back saying what? Saying, I've made it for you this morning. It will be on the menu in both our locations. Enjoy. Whoa. I know. And so then what happened?

And so then I remember just popping up maybe out of bed as if it were Christmas morning and saying, like so excited, and saying we have to bring the whole freezer drawer with us so we can fit as much as possible and know that we can fit it in our drawer so we can have a drawer full of Walnut Strachatella. Uh-huh. And this is where the dispute comes in, correct Charlie? That's right.

What did you not like about Christina's plan? I was, so firstly I was very pro obtaining as much of this ice cream as possible because it is absolutely delicious. It is a life-changing flavor. Taking the freezer drawer out of the freezer to the ice cream shop I felt just slightly tips a little over the edge for me. So I would rather acquire a lot of ice cream and bring it back. And you did send in a photo, we have evidence of your freezer, which, you know, humans who live in North America will not be surprised to learn that

when they talk about a Scottish freezer drawer, it's, you're holding up a bottle of scotch for scale in this photo. Yes, that's correct. And it's a diminutive freezer compared to a lot of North American. You don't freeze your Glen Fittick, do you, Charlie? No, no, no we don't.

Only when you're glad to see me? Okay, fine. You don't even know what that means. So you wanted to take out the freezer drawer. Okay, I see it here. Then all these photos are obviously available in themaximumfun.org, the show page for Judge John Hodgman as well as our Instagram at Judge John Hodgman.

We're looking here at the freezer drawer. It's a little bit taller than a bottle of Glen Fittick weighed on its side. And you want to bring this drawer to Joe Lotto to fill it up and with containers of walnut stracciatella. To the exclusion presumably of anything else that you might want to freeze and have a full drawer and the reason for bringing the full drawer is not to keep it frozen as you get it back to the house but to make sure that you are maximizing all, getting as much gelato

into that drawer as possible. Is that right? Yeah, maximization and precision, because you'll see the drawer is a bit, it's not a perfect rectangle shape, it swoops up at the back. So these styrofoam containers that I turn comes in, it's not clear how they'll precisely fit in the drawer.

So I thought we could figure out, do we need two larges and a small, three larges and a small, and just figure out what would optimally fit in our freezer drawer. And we only have to do it once, because once we know, we know, we can just repeat the pattern.

And do you ever have anything else in your freezer? Yes, yeah. I think you can see in one of the pictures that it's quite a full freezer. Monte, Bill, Monte, you live see in one of the pictures that it's quite a full freezer. Monte Bel Monte, you live out there in the Pioneer Valley. That's in North America. It sure is. You have a you have a garage fridge. We have a chest freezer because we get a quarter of a cow every year and we freeze the cuts. So instead of like going to the supermarket week after week and getting beef, we like

we know the cow that's out in the pasture that meets its end and one quarter of that cow dies in our freezer every year. And you could hear, I mean, Christina, obviously you're living in one of the greatest cities in the world. It's not unreasonable that you would pick up a little bit of a lilt of an accent as you're living there every day. But when you gasped, that was a pure Ohio gasp. That was just like, obviously, Edinburgh is not giving you something.

When you hear about a chest freezer, that's like a little taste of home, right? I mean, think about all the ice cream that could fit. Think about all the ice cream you could fit. But I wouldn't be able to bring it with me to Joel Otto. I would, you know. No. No, but you could potentially, Christina, if you wanted, take measurements and work this out in paper.

Yeah, I think the curve of the drawer is really what's stumping me. It's been a while since I've done calculus and I don't know, it's too many different shapes fitting together. So I thought, why don't we just bring the drawer, it's not heavy. We don't live far from the ice cream shop. Yeah, because you're obviously one of those field agents, you're not doing math like the analysts all the time.

Got it. It's all automated now, Judge. Okay, got it. Is your objection to this, Charlie, the spectacle of bringing in a freezer drawer into Joe Lotto? Are you afraid that you'll be embarrassed? No, I just don't think it's... I just don't think we need to bring the drawer to acquire as much ice cream as is reasonable to fit in our reasonably small freezer. But don't you want to know what your maximum storage capacity is? I mean as a point of interest, yes.

As a practical point of acquiring ice cream, I don't think it's entirely necessary. So your position is not so much the spectacle of bringing a freezer drawer into Gelato's shop is embarrassing. It's more like we've got enough ice cream. Why are we hoarding all the Balmets Stracciatella? Is it true that you still have ice cream in the fridge? Excuse me, Gelato? still have ice cream in the fridge, excuse me, gelato? Yes, that's true. I think there's probably a natural balance where we're not, we might have eaten more or at a faster rate than we have so far

if we knew we had a full drawer of it, but we're probably meeting it out slower because it's in limited spot in the freezer. What do you have in the freezer that's not gelato at this point? Yeah, a lot of frozen veggies, frozen fruit. I think you'll see cake icing. Sure. I think I'm probably the worst abuser of the freezer space. So I feel like I can accommodate the ice cream. So I have a habit of if we have leftovers

and they're freezeable, I'll just throw them in the freezer. So I feel like we'll use it to the max that it's available. But right now it just holds kind of those stock items that you want on hand plus cake icing. You have two drawers. How many drawers do you wanna fill with Walnut Stracciatella?

Well, so we have three. It might be hard to see in that picture. We have one big bottom drawer. I don't wanna fill the big bottom drawer. Let me get out my jeweler's loop so I can see the fullness of your freezer. I'm sorry, I'm making fun of your freezer. It's fine. It's a perfectly wonderful freezer. Yeah, we do. Okay. You've got three. You've got

a top drawer, which is pretty... It's like ice cubes and flat things. Right. That's where you freeze your seven ice cubes per week. It's about the thickness of an ice cube. Yeah. And then you have a medium drawer. Yeah. And then you have a deep drawer. So which one of these drawers, which one are you going to devote to Walnut Stracciatella? Middle, which I think is like a reasonable, yeah, kind of Goldilocks solution, you know? This is a romantic relationship between the two of you? It is. Is it a marriage type relationship or no?

It will be next April. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. I'd like to go to Edinburgh in April. Well, in April, it's probably very wet and cold, isn't it? It's going to be touch and go, yeah. OK, never mind. I'm not coming.

But we will be serving Walnut Stracciatella there. Is that actually something that's been arranged? Have you talked to Joe about the Walnut Stratch in your wedding? Yeah, we floated the idea. And then any venue we talked to Joe about the walnut stretch in your wedding? We've yeah, we floated the idea and then any venue we talked to, we had to be able to bring in outside ice cream. So we've actually settled with a venue who will let us bring outside ice cream to the venue.

So we just need to talk to Joe and see if he can he can make it happen for next April. Excuse yourself outside gelato. Right outside gelato please. Yes. Thank you. Gosh. How. Right outside Gelato, please. Yeah. Thank you. Gosh. How far away is Joe Lotto from your home? There's two locations. The closer one's about a 20 minute walk.

Would you say 20, 25 minutes? Yeah. And you could take a bus to make it 15. Those these containers are insulated, obviously. So you're getting at home. Yeah. It doesn't get as hot in Edinburgh either, so it's never like a scorcher. Right. Why don't you just keep the ice cream out on your window sill? Honestly, some days it feels like we could. Don't you have some concern, Christina, about leaving some walnut stretch behind for others?

Um, no, I think that if the demand outpaces the supply, then that is good for my ideal scenario, which is walnut stretch on the menu as often as possible. Walnut stretch forever. Yeah. Have you talked to Joe about why walnut stretch is a sometime treat? Yes. And not an everyday food? Yeah, we have. I think this is when he started looking at us like we were a little loopy.

Looking at us or looking at one of you? So Joe, being a purveyor of fine gelatoato sources all the ingredients carefully for the product. And he said that he can't get a consistent enough supply of quality walnuts. Do you think that when you get married, maybe you'll take a honeymoon to a walnut farm in Italy and get as many walnuts as you can for the show of gelato? That's the plan. That's the plan. So you are facing a kind of perpetual scarcity of Walnut Stracciatella. There is no chance that Joe is ever going to make this irregular because he can't get

the nuts. Joe simply doesn't have the nuts for it. I think that, you know, if he becomes powerful enough, he could exert some influence over his supply chain. So he could maybe improve the supply of quality walnuts coming in. You're saying that Joe of Joelotto owes it to you to corner the market on Italian ice cream quality walnuts? I'm saying if we get, you know, we started talking about

if I clear them out of walnut strats every time they have on the menu, and I'm saying if we get you know, we started talking about if I clear them out of walnut stretch every time they have on the menu And I'm saying yeah, if if we keep demand up that might That might put Joe in a position to get a better Quality supply of walnuts. I'm looking at Joe joe lotto dot co dot UK right now Yeah, is Joe lotto this young looking fellow with the glasses. Yeah He's a nice-looking guy. He's a lovely guy. He's really nice. We should say his wife, who's a whole human being in her own right, also I think owns and runs the business with him. So you want Walnut Stracciatella all the time. You want to create a stockpile.

Yeah, hoarding mentality. Yeah. All right. Does that feel healthy to you, Charlie? Yeah, I'm all for having access to Walnut Stracciatella at all times. I just think there are other ways to do it than dedicating an entire freezer drawer. What would be a more efficient way? Well, I think we could just monitor our levels of walnut stracciatella and then once we get below a certain level, one of us is on high alert. You know the war is over.

Not for walnut stracciatella. I mean this is a real cultural clash between Ohio and Scotland. Like I should have everything I want in my chest freezer in my refrigerator outside. Why wouldn't I? Yeah. And and Scotland's over here going like, we don't deserve anything. You don't want too much of a good thing. I think that's a reasonable thought.

I mean, don't you think, Christina, there's a possibility you could get sick of this ice cream? I'm gonna call it ice cream from time to time. Don't get mad at me, everybody. I'm sure I know. Host a whole podcast here. I can't keep all the words straight all the time. No, it's okay. I've done the same while we were recording.

I know what you're saying. And I think for most foods, yes, but this is the best ice cream or gelato I've ever tasted. And it's probably one of the best flavors of food I've ever tasted. I think when I originally wrote to Joe, I tried to think of some meals I've had that are better. And I think I had like two or three I could name. But like this was I I screamed aloud when I had it.

It was it's so good. I just don't think I'm going to get sick of it. When did you first have it? How long ago was this? That year ago. It must have been about a year. It was in this this stop bridge shop. Yeah But uh, yeah, I did I did shout across the little park to ask if The couple across from us who were also eating ice cream to see if they were also having walnut stracatella, because I wanted to like talk to someone else who was experiencing this and they weren't having the same flavors. Charlie, when your fiance yelled across the park to strangers asking, are you also eating

this? Did you rethink your decision to marry an American at that time? Absolutely not. That cemented the decision. I see. All right. Christina, you appreciate that what you're doing here by buzz marketing, not only Joe Lotto, but this particular flavor is that you're making it even more challenging for

you to corner the world's supply on this stuff. I mean, all of our seven listeners in Edinburgh are now going to rush to get this stuff off of Joe. I think, you know, anything that helps the overall demand signal for Joe is good. Joe runs a local business. So if he sells out of Walnut Stretch because of this episode, then that's good for his overall business, keeps him doing well. And then if he keeps selling out of it,

then surely he'll, again, he'll find a way. I'll pose this question to all three of you, Monty, Charlie, and Christina. Have you ever had a food that you loved so much and you ate so much of it that you got sick of it? Yes. Monty, that was yes with a purpose. Let's hear about it.

When I was a kid, I had a terrible diet, and my parents were not helpful in steering me in the correct direction. So every morning, I would have one of those little oatmeal pies with cream in the middle of it, but I would also frequently bring them for lunch. So I was having like two oatmeal pies a day, and then finally I just hit this breaking point

and I was like, I can't put another one of these oatmeal pies in my mouth ever again and I don't think I have. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. It's not haggis, Monty, but there was a time when I did too much scrapple, too much Pennsylvania scrapple. Yeah. What about you, Charlie?

Do you have any foods that you've eaten too much of and got sick of them? Yeah, I think I go through cycles with with porridge. Of course you do. Do you like any other flavors of ice cream that Joe makes or no? I like other flavors, but it's hard to enjoy it as much knowing that walnuts, rachatella exists. But yeah, they he makes really excellent players across the board. This is to me, It's just a standout

when you go to the freezer and you open that medium middle drawer and You see it picture it in your mind's eye Charlie close your eyes and you open it up and like frosty air comes out and you pull open the drawer and it's just full. Even within that weird curve at the back of the drawer, every inch of it is full of containers with Walnut Stracciatella in there. What are you feeling, Charlie, when you see this in your mind's eye? I am wondering where everything else that was in that drawer has gone. But honestly, delight at the same time. Delight.

Delight and a little bit of hunger. Christina, how do you feel when you see? I feel at ease, relaxed, and I also feel joyful. I think I was thinking while I was visualizing this, like relaxed, and I also feel joyful. I think I was thinking while I was visualizing this that if the drawer's full, then I know when we have people over for dinner,

we can offer them walnut stretch because we have plenty to share. Because right now with the supply not secure, if you have people over, you won't waste any stretch on them. I did share some this winter with a friend who came over and Charlie was out, so it was just the two of us. And then after he came home, I had to tell him that

I shared some walnut stretch with my friend. I felt so guilty about it because it was like our limited supply. And what was Charlie's response? I think he was very understanding. I don't think he was upset, but, um, you know, when I say I want to evangelize about it, like, I want to share it with people,

I want other people to taste it too. Well, it's the way I feel about Maine, and as I mentioned in my book, Vacationland, available wherever books are stolen. Uh, it's like the most wonderful thing that I want to share with everyone and also hide from everyone So the stakes of this case are this right now Joe has walnut stracciatella probably more than you can store

In theory when he makes it it's more than we can store. Yeah. Okay, so you don't have a delivery date in mind There's no specific No, this this one of his shops is really near my office, near our house, so we just swing by every now and then to check on its availability. Sure. So you want to have that freezer drawer, you want to finish up the stretch you have now so that freezer drawer will be empty and ready to go for the moment that resupply is possible. Yeah.

And if I were to rule in your favor, you would take that freezer drawer over and you would buy as many containers as can fit into that drawer. Yes. And Charlie, what would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor? If you to rule in my favor, I would have us put in place a rotor system. a rotor system whereby one of us is responsible for monitoring the level. We have two boxes of ice cream in the freezer at all times. And one of us is responsible for monitoring how much is in the second box, how much is left. And then once that box gets below one box is full, one box is full. And then it's like when you buy toothpaste, you never buy one.

You buy two. You never buy one, you buy two. I disagree. But I mean, I'm rethinking my life now that you mentioned it. That's just not how I've done it. But okay. Okay. So the system, one of us would keep an eye on the level of walnut scratch that's left in that second box.

And once that box is finished, it's that person's responsibility to continue visiting Gelato and buy the backup box. And who's going to be the stretch monitor? We alternate. Why? Why not you just do it because this is your scheme? Because we both get to enjoy the ice cream. If it were part of your vows in April next, that one of you were to promise the other, I will always make sure there is at least one full box of stretch of walnut

stretch in the freezer. Christina, would that be enough for you? I just doesn't have the same whimsy as bringing the chore. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. It feels like a... It feels like a chore. And I think this should be like abundance and enjoyment. What's the whimsy part? Explain that to me.

I mean, I think part of the enjoyment is just how I am sort of taken aback by how absurd my reaction to this ice cream is. Like, it's just over the top, but I'm just leaning into that, I suppose. If it feels like a chore, it's not going to feel like a fun, exciting treat that we get to have. It feels fun to you to fill that drawer up. Yes. You know, Christina, the most efficient walnut-stretch storage solution

is to take that drawer and have them put the walnut-stretch directly into the drawer. Yeah. Like, you would want to wash it out, make sure it's nice and clean first. Then get that stretch into the drawer and then put it in a cooler. Mm-hmm.

And then- Have a taxi waiting, get home as quickly as possible. Perhaps, yeah, perhaps. Why aren't you pushing for this weirdest option? I really just don't want to alienate Joe. I feel like I'm on the edge of alienating him with how much I love this ice cream. So I like really, I need to maintain

good relationship with Joe. How would it be alienating to him to buy as much as you can get? I guess keep in mind, Joe is also a Scottish man, so equally reserved as Charlie. And one time we showed up and the walnut stretch was on the menu. He was there scooping behind the counter, and I sort of introduced myself as the person who wrote that email, and I think he was like a little taken aback by my enthusiasm.

Don't you think then, how much difference do you think it will be in terms of alienating him with your American enthusiasm? How much difference is there practically speaking going to be between showing up with the drawer and saying, fill it up versus showing up in the drawer and saying, I need to see exactly how many of your containers can fit into this drawer. I mean, it seems about the same on the whimsy scale.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, that's I think that's that's fair. I've also thought about I'm not a huge fan of styrofoam. It's not a good shape and not a good material to use. So I thought about maybe asking Joe if we can bring a better container. I'm just not sure how he would charge us for the product

if it's not in one of his pre-measured containers. And having a simple conversation about that with him feels unwimsical to you. It just feels like that might know plenty whimsical, but so much whimsy that it might make him feel kind of worried about me as a customer. Right. You're not, it would be both whimsy and walnut stretch overload, perhaps. Yeah. Yeah. OK. You know, Christina, the ultimate.

Whimsy. I mean, this is really what I should be ruling, of course. For you to show up. At gelato with a box of tiny little jam jars and have them film each up. With walnut stretch. Then fill up your drawer with little jars. You'll have your little drawer of frozen jars.

Sounds like a great solution, doesn't it? I think so. I think I could just buy a bunch of ice cream and do the filling into little jars at home so as to not be off putting, be off-putting. CRAIG That's a fun arts and crafts thing for you to do. CHARLIE LAUGHS CRAIG Charlie, if I were to order in your favor,

you would have me impose this rotation system, this Stracciatello rationing. And also it says here, for Christina to have to tell this story at the wedding where they will be serving gelato. That's right. Why do you think Christina won't want to talk about the story? How is this a punishment for her?

Yeah, no, I just I just want to give Christina the opportunity to evangelize further before we eat the ice cream on on our wedding day. All right. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I am going to take a bus 50 minutes to my chambers and I'll consider my verdict while enjoying a Stracciatella float. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Christina, I do have another follow-up question on the whimsy. Is the whimsy the sheer taking of a drawer for a walk? Yeah, I think that's included for sure. It's not the sheer, that's not the sheer element of it. I think it's probably showing up to the JoLotto counter. Holding a drawer and then walking away with a drawer filled with walnut stracciatella.

Yeah. Charlie, Christina had mentioned that when she had her first taste of the walnut stracciatella that she screamed across a quad. That was correct. Did you scream as well? I don't recall screaming, but I did join in the sharing of our feelings to the strangers in the park.

So you could say, I scream, you scream, we all scream for Gelato. Yeah. That's accurate. Yeah. Well, we'll see what the judge has to say about this when we come back in just a moment. Hey, while we're taking a break from the case, Monte Belmonte, for those of our listeners who are just enjoying meeting you for the first time, tell them a little bit about who you are and where they can find you. I'm on every day on the public radio station

of Note for Western Massachusetts, NEPM, New England Public Media, formerly WFCR, five college radio for the folks who may have gone to school out here in Western Mass or vacationed here over the summer many times. And the show is called The Fabulous 413, which is the area code of this area. And my co-host, Khalees Smith and I travel all the highways and byways

of the four counties of Western Mass, uncovering stories. I like to say it's like Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood for Grownups, where we're introducing you to your neighbors. There's fewer puppets, but there are puppets once in a while as well. That's my chief complaint. But I only write five-star reviews, only write five-star reviews for the Fabulous 413 wherever I get my podcasts,

because it's a wonderful show. Appreciate that. And Monty is our summertime fun time guest bailiff. And I hope that we'll get to talk about more summertime stuff. In the meantime, Monty, I need not remind you that when this summer is over, I know it seems impossible. When this summer is over, I know it seems impossible,

when this summer is over and we move into early November, I and Jesse Thorne and Jennifer Marmer will all be joining you, Monty, at the Shea Theater in Turner's Falls, Massachusetts, right there in the fabulous 413, the triumphant return of the Judge John Hodgman live show to Turner's Falls, November 8th. I really hope that Perry von Vicious can come around.

He might be wrestling in Japan, but who knows? And all of our friends from Western Massachusetts, please show up. We're going to have a good time at the Shea Theater in Turner's Falls. And is that our only stop on the tour? Main-non, as they say, in Manon, Gelato, Edinburgh. We start out, we're going to be all over the place come this fall. New York City, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Washington, D.C., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and Arbor, Michigan, Madison, Wisconsin, St.

Paul, Minnesota, Burlington, Vermont, Portland, Maine, Turner's Falls, Massachusetts, and culminating in a great big show. Very exciting to me. In my hometown of Brookline, Massachusetts, just imagine Brooklyn and without the extra N at the Coolidge Corner Theater, where I used to sell tickets and rip tickets and sell concessions at the movie theater

when I was 19 years old. It's gonna be a real great grand homecoming on November 10th. And all of these shows are going to be terrific. It will have been a full year since we've been on the road before. And so I hope that you all go over and get your tickets at the events page at maximumfund.org that's maximumfund.org slash events. It's the judge, John Hodgman road court. And, uh, we can't wait to go out there and see you because it's

better when you're there. By the way, if you have disputes for any of these locations, and I say them again, New York city, Philadelphia, Washington, DC, Pittsburgh, Ann Arbor, Madison, St. Paul, Burlington, Portland, Turner's falls and Brookline. If you live in one of these places and you have a dispute that you might want us to consider to be adjudicated on stage. Boy, it would be great if you submitted it now at maximumfund.org slash JJ HO. Just tell us that you want your case to be considered for the live show. Tell us this is for the live show or something.

And then I'll understand what's happening when I get your email in my email box, which is where they all go to maximumfund.org slash J.J.H.O. And one more reminder, go over to newenglandpublicmedia.org, NEPM.org, check out the Fabulous 413 there or wherever podcasts can be heard. Monte, Bel Monte, you're a delight. Let's get back to the case. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom and presents his verdict. Well, obviously, I did not take a bus 50 minutes to my chambers. A, I'm in my chambers and B, I have the great pleasure of living in a walking city like Edinburgh.

And it is a great pleasure because so long as there is not societal collapse, I don't need to store months of food in my freezer or my refrigerator or in my garage freezer or my garage refrigerator. Cause I don't have a garage. Well, there is a garage across the street, but I think the guys there would be, it's a public garage. I think it'd be very confused if I plugged in a chest freezer over there and started filling it with venison or whatever.

I'm sure that people in Brooklyn have done weirder things. And while I am someone who does sort of take pleasure in a well stocked pantry and I'm enjoying the gracious feeling that Christina articulated by saying like, if someone comes over, I have champagne in the cupboard. If someone comes over, I can feed them some of my favorite food, the walnut stracciatella. But not very much.

They get one spoonful, that's enough. Tiny jar. I also take great pleasure in not wasting space or food and only having, you know, enough I'm lucky enough to be able to have enough and maybe a little bit more for a guest and I enjoy more than almost anything else in the world, walking to the supermarket to reprovision. Um, and I don't mind little jars so long as they are not wastefully

expensive because I enjoy the, I enjoy living in a world in which my garage fridge and basement freezer chests are across the street at a store and I get to go outside and do a thing and then come back. So my inclination would be for you to resist the completely natural and I dare say Ohioan impulse to hoard what you love the most. I'm not going to touch upon the economic ripple effect or dare I say fudge ripple effect. Oh, Monty.

Yes. Monty, you got me. You've gotten into my soul of the artificial raising of demand upon the walnut supply that goes into the Stracciatella that might, you know, you seem to believe that if you show more demand that supply might magically occur, but then again, there is the ripple effect of us talking about on the podcast and everyone rushing out to Joe Lotto and getting that stuff before you and the, the walnuts are a finite resource there, you know, or they're not, they're not infinite in any case.

I'm not sure what effect the hoarding would have upon the actual availability of walnut stretch for you or others in the future, but I do worry a little bit about the effect it will have emotionally on having all this walnut stracciatella because with that abundance, right, comes initial joy, but as it gets whittled down, to my mind it would be increasingly anxious. And we don't know when the next time you'll be able to get some, right?

So one argument might be, well, when he has it next, I'll enjoy it, and when he doesn't, I'll look forward to the, when he has it next, I'll enjoy it. And when he doesn't, I'll look forward to the next time he has it next. I might say, I might suggest, and I can see Charlie is nodding there. This may be a particularly Scottish point of view. His denial of pleasure, I don't know. I think that it might be a somewhat more emotionally sustainable place to be where when the good things are there,

you enjoy them fully. When they're not available, you look forward to when you can, as opposed to ultimately what I feel is an, an anxious impulse, which is to get as much as I can and hide it away just for me. You say that you're going to be feel more comfortable sharing it with your friends, but not, not if you're down to your last mini jar of it. Then, then you're going to be like Gollum in a cave, you know, looking at it and calling it your precious. I mean, I do see a lot of arguments for why you wouldn't go through with this. And there's another cultural issue too, which you have already identified in your relationship, but also, you know, in your ambivalence about how Joe's going to take it when you show up at his place of business with a freezer drawer. You know, there, there is, I think, and it's, it's evidence in the evidence you, you gave me, which is the photograph of your fridge that,

you know, city living in Scotland is not country living in Ohio. And I don't even care if you live in a city in Ohio. It's still a country compared to, you know, compared to density. I'm about to move, you know, I'm about to spend some time in a wonderful place that I like to hoard to myself and feel anxious about when the supply is dwindling. It's called Maine. That is a place where I do have a fridge in the garage and we do stock it up because it is a car ride, you know know half an hour car ride to get to the supermarket and it's really exhausting you know what I mean it's I mean it's just you know to

think about keep you know keeping people fed all the time you're lucky to live in a city where you don't have to think about that. Whereas long as civilization exists and I get it, it may not exist for much longer. I have a feeling that you two are, are, are the only thing keeping us the world. Some of whatever your secret missions are, you're standing between societal collapse and, and, uh, and non-societal collapse. But in any case, every bit of your, of your world and your city and the size of your fridge suggests it's not built for Ohio style stocking up. And that may be why Charlie is a little bit uncomfortable with this idea.

I don't know. All of that said, this is just, you know, this is just my observation, right? This isn't my judgment. I don't know if you're going to go through a pleasure panic cycle. Once you have a drawer full of stracciatella. Maybe, maybe it won't work out that way. And maybe this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. You've got a line into Joe.

Joe seems to be basically on board with supplying you what you need of your horrible drug. Joe cannot make any promises about when he's going to resupply the walnut stretch because the walnuts are somewhere else. So I'm going to I'm going to say that you should fill up the drawer and let us know how it goes. Monitor your feelings about it. Decide whether you're happier that way.

Over time, keep a walnut stretch journal. You know, you don't have to be a man to journal. A men's journal magazine would have you believe that it's only men who are journaling, but in fact, women also journal. And I think, I think that it will be a worthwhile experiment as to, to restock experiment as to, to restock as full as you can. And then while you enjoy each time you enjoy the walnut stretch,

write down how you feel about how you feel about the supply going down and then evaluate is it, which way is happier, which way is happier? Because that's the thing. Like we, we, you know, life is hard and there is no sin. If you find something that gives you joy, there is no sin in making that last as long as possible. And I think that you should give it a try and really see that if this is more, if it's more sustainable joy,

really see that if this is more, if it's more sustainable joy, feeling the anxiety of your hoard dwindling or more sustainable joy, enjoying it when it exists and knowing that it'll be there down the road because you haven't fully alienated Joe with all of your weird antics. But here's what I'm going to say. Don't take, don't take your drawer for a walk. You can figure this out without bringing the drawer into the shop. Sorry about the whimsy. I think that, I think that you and Charlie should get together and do some math and figure out what the dimensions of the drawer are.

You already have containers or get a container from Joe, right? An empty container from Joe. Tell him what your plan... First of all, tell him what your plan is. I know that you live a life of total secrecy to protect your loved ones, but go into Joe and say, look, when you get this walnut Stracciatella in, I want to buy as much as I can to fill up this drawer. Here's a picture of it.

Can I borrow or can take measurements of your containers to figure out how many I can fit in there? And then can I buy those in advance? I think that's the way to do it. And then as I say, keep your Stracciatella log. There's got to be a ice cream log pun in there, right? There's gotta be. It's gotta be, but, right, Monty? There's gotta be. There's gotta be, but all I can think about is poop,

so let's forget about it. Jalago. I love it. Oh. Perfect. Perfect. Wow, Charlie, and you thought you were gonna win this case. Jalago wins it once and for all.

But I do insist, not only do you have to tell the story about this at the wedding, Christina, but I do insist that you work it into your vows, that you will keep each other stocked with walnuts, stracciatella, and all the things that make you happy in the world, to the best of your ability, till death do you part, God or whatever, this is the sound of a gavel. I think I know what would help right now. What?

Frozen chocolate gelato. Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Christina, Charlie, it seems like a banana split decision and that you have both won. You get a drawer full of walnut Stracciatella. Both of you have both won. You get a drawer full of Walnut Stracciatella. Both of you win with that. The only little loss for you, Christine,

is you don't get to take the drawer for a walk. How are you both feeling about the judge's decision? I think you put it nicely. I think there's no way of losing this. We end up with a freezer full of ice cream and we see how it goes. And maybe down the line, we put a more efficient system in place. We we see how it goes. And maybe down the line, we put a more efficient system in place.

We'll see how it goes. Thank you so much, both of you, for being on the show. I only wish we could hear a little more of your Scottish accent there, Charlie. It's beautiful. Thank you very much. Another case in the books. Before we dispense some swift justice,

we want to thank Redditor NumNuts for naming this week's episode, May It Freeze the Court. Join the conversation over at MaximumFun subreddit over at MaximumFun.Reddit.com. Now, Monty, I have to say, that's actually a combo of two titles. NumNuts submitted,

If It Freezes the Court, which is good. But I also liked think underscore leg six, eight, six, four order in the court. Yes. Which is an Imperial measure, obviously not metric. So I don't know that they use in Scotland. And so we combined them much like a, much like a, uh, Harrell's ice cream mix in right home of the original mix in yeah into may it please the court but I need to I need to acknowledge both num nuts and think

underscore like six eight six four and indeed all of the wonderful people over there at the maximum fun subreddit who suggest names and titles and puns for our show it's all over there at maximum fun dot reddit dot com, which is a nice place to meet other listeners and maximum fun members. It's a good place to hang out. That's where we always ask for the title suggestions to keep an eye out there as well. You want to talk about our evidence for the show? Evidence and photos from the show are posted on our Instagram account at instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We're also on TikTok and YouTube

at Judge John Hodgman pod. Follow and subscribe to see our episodes and video only content. And by the way, Monte, yeah, people just to remind people want to listen to more Monte Bell Monte and guess what you do. All you need to go is go over to NEPM.org, New England Public Media.org, or listen on to the radio every, every weekday afternoon. Monday through Friday. The Fabulous 413 is the name of the show. Monte Belmonte is the name of the co-host. Your co-host's name is?

Khalees Smith. Khalees Smith. I've been on the show and it's a delight. And you can listen to it also at NPM. NEPM.orgorg New England Public Radio, which is a great, great station. Or wherever podcasts are available, as they say. Hey, speaking of podcasts, I'm gonna thank Travel Girl82

over on Apple Podcasts, who wrote us a very nice review. And on the topic of joy, no less, Joy Bringing and a Great Source for Memorable Mantras is the headline. This podcast brings me joy. I didn't realize how much it informed my parenting until I overheard my five year old tell their friend that they, quote, needed to be mindful of the work they leave for others. Wow. Making a real difference in the world. The same child has also lately grown fond of shouting to the sky,

oh, why do people like what they like? Good question. Thank you to the sky. Uh, why do people like what they like? Good question. Thank you to the J squad. That's Jennifer Marmer, me, John Hodgman, sometimes Joel man up there in Maine. And sometimes Jean Grey and sometimes our wonderful, wonderful friend, jaunty Monte Belmonti jaunty Beljaunty, monty, belmonte. If you're listening to us on Apple Podcast, why don't you give us a rating and review over there?

It really does help new listeners find the show or just tell your friends about your favorite episode. Tell them how our settled law has affected your personal life or your children screaming at the sky. I know I say people like what they like all the time, and it's all because of you, Judge John Hodgman. Why do they like what they like, though? Judge John Hodgman was created because of you, Judge John Hodgman. Why do they like what they like, though? Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

This episode was engineered by John Vick at Finaflex Sound Studio in Edinburgh. Our social media manager is Natty Lopez. The podcast is edited by A.J. McKeon. Our video editor is Daniel Spear. And our producer is the wonderful Jennifer Marmor. Now let's get to Swift Justice where we answer your small disputes with a quick judgment. Janice 1172 on the Maximum Fun subreddit says, When my dad uses the butter at our home, he scrapes the knife lengthwise across the top.

Our tray measures tablespoons along the bottom. I would like him to make vertical cuts to preserve the size consistency of each pad. What say you, Judge John Hodgman? I don't understand this question at all. I'm sorry to say. Do you want to scrape the top of the butter like this? Along the horizon?

Okay. Vertically along where it's clearly measured. This is why we have a YouTube channel because now that you have did a visual demonstration, I get it. So do you scrape the knife along the top of the stick of butter? Right. Or, right, the tray, the butter tray that they have, the butter dish has tablespoons measures on it. Well, obviously, if you're measuring tablespoons out for a recipe, you use the tray.

And obviously, when you scrape across the top, you are committing a great crime because that's messing up the shape of the butter. For those of you who would later, for those in the house who would later want to use the tablespoon measure. And I understand why you want to scrape across the top of the butter. It's usually a little bit softer. It's usually easier to butter toast with, you know,

to scrape that off like that. But the truth of the matter is, particularly if you have a European or Scottish style butter that has a high culture and has a high butterfat content, which is what you should have, butter is joy. You can leave it out on the counter and keep it soft. Just put it in the fridge at night, but you don't have to keep it in the fridge all the time. It doesn't have to be hard. You can leave it out on the counter and keep it soft. Just put it in the fridge at night, but you don't have to keep it in the fridge

all the time. It doesn't have to be hard. It does. You know what? Life has to be hard, but butter doesn't. Monte, it's been so great to have you here today. It's so wonderful to anticipate summer as it approaches and seeps into and under my sweaty robes right now. It's really summertime and in honor of summer, Angelato, let's hear more about cool stuff. Cooling, is someone in your neighborhood

helping themselves to your aloe plant to cool off their sunburns and you want them to stop foraging? Are you an icy fan in a home full of slurpy devotees? Does your loved one wear a neck fan everywhere and you're embarrassed to be seen with them? Monte, do you have a, remember how the sharper image used to sell a Pith helmet

that had a fan built into it? Yes, I do remember that. Actually, I love the sharper image stuff. I never wanted that particular item. But yeah. Well, see, that's our dispute because I did send us all of your cold cases to MaximumFun.org slash JJ HO. And of course, we want to hear all about all of your disputes on any subject. No case is too small.

So please remember to submit your cases at maximumfund.org slash JJ HO. Monte, I'll talk to you soon. And everyone else will talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.