Judge John Hodgman - Moon and Stars

Episode Date: April 16, 2015

Judge Hodgman rules on busted doors, schoolbus naming, and whether or not cereal is a soup. Plus a Hodgman Dubbel update!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week we're clearing the docket. Hi, Judge Hodgman. Welcome to my chambers. I've decided I'm going to be like a cryptkeeper. Oh. Yeah.

Can I be a Dracula? You can be a Dracula and I'll be a cryptkeeper. And we are nowhere near Halloween. But I've decided Judge John Hodgman's Chambers of Justice should be an EC-style horror comic. Oh, that sounds fun. Do you know what I mean? Maybe we'll get Aplad to work on an issue of that, or maybe we'll do it as an anthology. Is this just because you have that wasting disease?

It's mostly because I just said welcome to my chambers for no good reason, and then I decided I had to make something out of it. Well, I wish I had that wasting disease. Are you kidding me? I know. We all wish we had wasting diseases, right? Boy, oh boy. Because I installed this tapeworm into my colon to lose weight,

and it's doing nothing for me. You installed it in your colon? Yeah, well, you know I was in Los Angeles for quite a while. Right. I'm now back in Brooklyn, New York, where I live. But as you know, I was in Los Angeles taking care of some filmed entertainment needs. Culture needs me to film some entertainment from time to time, and I go out there and I give culture what it wants.

Me and one or two episodes of a TV show. Yeah, that makes sense. And you and I did some recording together as well in the beautiful hot box of farts in the Maximum Fun headquarters. Yes, the HBOF. And now I'm back. But in California, one of the things that always amazes me about Los Angeles is that everyone, certainly within the entertainment industry, is always talking about what they're eating and what they're not eating. And this is a conversation that I love to have.

But then someone said, you know what you should do? You should get a tapeworm installed. So I went to a day clinic tapeworm installation center in Beverly Hills, and I had one installed. And it's supposed to eat all my food for me, but I don't think it likes the food that I eat. I actually had mine installed at Sears. It's a really good value, and there's a lifetime guarantee.

Unfortunately, lifetime of the tapeworm, which they don't tell you beforehand. When you had it installed, did you choose the neutral blue background or the Forest Glen background? I went with Forest Glen. Yeah, right. And I brought out the nosegay of polyester flowers and the toy firetruck. For those of you who are not 50 years old like me and Jesse, we're making reference, first of all, to Sears, a department store that barely exists anymore. And second of all, to the fact that one used to go to Sears for family portraits and stuff. Back when only department stores were allowed to have cameras, you would go and you would sit with your family or your fiancé

and you would have a portrait, a photographic portrait taken of you in front of a neutral background. Or you could choose a Forest Glen or, I don't know, an Alpine village. Whatever it was. Jordan and I did that. That was our first promo picture for The Sound of Young America back in our Santa Cruz days. That's a great idea.

We went to the Sears Portrait Studio in Capitola mall in Capitola, California, and it took a long time for us to explain to the gentleman who operated the photography equipment, why we wanted, we use the nose gay. Uh, we each had a nose gay.

We brought out the fire truck. I don't think we wore any hats. We were dressed reasonably nicely. But, yeah, we pretty much asked him to bring out everything that he had. And he was really confused by it to the point of being almost upset. And then he figured out what was happening. And it seemed as though we were the happiest clients he'd ever had in his entire life. He was absolutely overjoyed because it was very clear that he did not have a lot of emotional attachment

to his employers at the Sears Corporation. Well, you know why that is, of course. You know why he was so confused and then why he had no emotional attachment? Why is that, John? Because your photographer was Joaquin Phoenix doing research for his role in The Master, in which he played a portrait photographer. Doy. What year was it that you guys went in for this photo? I'm going to say 2003.

Well, that tracks because he usually does about 10 years of research before he does a role. Here's something from Zachary. My wife and I have bought a school bus, which we are converting to a mobile home to be used as our primary residence. We're both believers in naming our transportation. I've always

incorporated my wife's name into any vehicle I'm riding or driving. For example, Street Bob Stacy, Stacy N1K, or Stacy's Sonata in C minor. I am presuming that Stacy's Sonata in C minor is a Hyundai Sonata. One must presume. It may just be a particularly classically beautiful vehicle. All right. Or it could be a Ford C-minor. Ah, right. You're absolutely right. Yeah, those are only available in Europe. To me, it's akin to the president's plane being named Air Force One, no matter what plane it is.

Any vehicle is renamed even temporarily when I am in it. This guy is a complicated scheme. To this point, it hasn't been too much of a problem beyond eye-rolling from her. However, with the bus planned to be our primary residence, she doesn't want it named after her even tangentially. She says that living in a school bus is already weird, and she doesn't want to field more questions at truck stops as we travel in it. I ask you to allow me to incorporate her name into any name we derive for the bus. We're waiting to get a better feel for the bus and her temperament. His wife's temperament or the bus's temperament?

Before we make any permanent decisions, but there have been some preliminary discussions. permanent decisions, but there have been some preliminary discussions. This reminds me of perhaps one of the most perfect sentences I ever heard uttered. In fact, I wasn't even there to hear it. I heard of it. But our friend here in Brooklyn, Joe DiPietro, owner of the No Star Bar in Chelsea, and a very funny, smart guy who also, in his spare time, writes crossword puzzles for the New York Times magazine and newspaper, but never talks about it because

it's not of his mind to ever draw attention to himself, confronted the new girlfriend of a mutual friend who made it her life's mission to draw attention to herself. And absolutely without malice and without any intent of being snarky or mean, after he observed her in conversation for a while, Joe said, I just figured it out. I get it now. You're wacky. And it was, you know, he didn't mean it to be mean, but he meant it to make, but the point was clear that this person had taken on so many different affectations

and so many different, and was so intent upon everyone knowing about her affectations and her preferences in life and her ideas and so forth, that she had cultivated a persona for herself, which was wacky. And coming from Joe, who is the opposite of, you know, who does the opposite of wacky, in that he does a lot of interesting things, but doesn't care if anyone knows um it was it was a real uh it was a real deep observation now i have i have fondness for both of these people and you know look i am a i'm a cultivator i think it was so cutting to me

because i was a cultivator of affectation since the day i first put on my black fedora over my long ponytail in high school and started carrying around a briefcase instead of being a normal. And I appreciate how Zachary must have all the time in the world to cultivate the various wackydoms that make his life enjoyable and interesting, such as moving into a school bus and giving it a name. He and his wife have been married for 20, in the affidavit I received, 20 YOBs, which I imagine must stand for years of bliss, which using that acronym itself is wacky.

And so I can only imagine that since they have been together for 20 years, Zachary's wife completely understands his need to be wacky, that it is part of his life to imagine scenarios where every car he gets into, he is the president of cars, and therefore it gets a new name because he is in it. You know, given that they've been married for 20 years, he is not a child, but an adult who is maintaining a certain kind of juvenile playfulness with the world, which I guess she finds enjoyable and tolerable. Though it might wear on me because I'm a self-hating, wacky person. So I guess she's okay with this in general, but now it seems a line has been drawn. If you're moving into a school bus to live in as your primary residence, she seems to say, I don't want you to name it after me. And to me, this suggests that after 20 years of bliss, maybe year 21 is going to be a year of change, a YOC, a yuck. Maybe you have pushed your wife, Zachary, a little bit too far into your wacky way of life. Maybe school bus living is pushing it a little bit too far into your wacky way of life. Maybe school bus living is pushing it a little bit too far.

I don't know. I haven't heard from her. But I would encourage you, before I make my ruling, Zachary, to take a moment and turn on your kerosene lantern in the back of your school bus where you are parked in a Walmart parking lot somewhere, and eating meals ready to eat, MREs, and say to your wife, is this what you really want? Or have I made you do this? And listen carefully to the answer. That's just my suggestion. Now, here comes my ruling. You can think of a name for your car as much as you like. If it gives you pleasure, by all means, name your school bus slash home.

Excuse me, I can't even speak now. Name your school bus slash home after your wife. But let me urge you. Once you're on the road and living in the parking lots of department stores, not every trucker in the world is going to be endeared to your wackiness. Do not go around saying, this is my wife, Stacy, and this is my school bus, school bus, Stacy. Just be a normal person in the world. And by no means are you allowed to paint anything on this school bus, unless you're going to paint it an exact replica of the school bus from the Partridge family.

So you may name your bus whatever you want, but keep it to yourself. Respect your wife's wishes. She is following you on some weird adventure into vagrancy just you know give give give an inch i really you take a mile can i tell you when i was at uc santa cruz there was this guy who was at my residential college whose name was hippie john i I won't, I'm not going to tell you how he got that nickname, why he was known that. But one year he bought a school bus and drove it onto the quad. You know, the quad was not a place for vehicles, but he drove it up onto the quad in between the two buildings of Porter College at UC Santa Cruz and just brought out a bunch of paint and

had everyone that wanted to that was passing by for the day paint something on his bus. You could hang out and paint a bunch of stuff or you could just paint one thing or you could just paint, you know, go suck a lemon hippie or whatever you wanted. And it was really fun. And I really respected that. It was great. I don't suggest that this couple do that because they're grownups who have to be concerned about, you know, dangerous truckers and whatnot.

The thing that concerns me, and this is not the first time that we've had a case where a married husband is trying to force upon a wife the idea that some non-residential vehicle they have become their primary residence or become an RV in any case. The thing that puzzles me about this is they make RVs. You know, these things are made. And they're made.

And I'm not suggesting that you need to get a land yacht that might be featured on a home and garden television show called Land Yachts or something. I mean, there are a lot of vintage RVs that are really wonderful and cool and have a lot of character. with our friends Judy Greer and Nat Faxon and Brett Gelman, the production very kindly rented us what seems to be a 1982 RV called a Jamboree to hang out in together between takes when we're out on location. And I have slept in that thing, and I would travel all around the country in that thing. And the benefit of those things is they have hookups for water, electricity, and maybe waste as well. Your school bus does not have any of those things unless you're retrofitting it dramatically and at great expense, in which case, why? And you may end up deciding as you go along from RV park to RV park that it might be a lot more convenient to your lives

to have something that is set up, a home that is set up to actually accommodate your food evacuation needs. But good, have fun pooping into a bucket in the back of a school bus for the rest of your life. Good luck, kids. What if he thought of a name that wasn't wacky that seems hard but you know like the you know the the moon and stars or something like that

um or the lincoln and then they got a real pinstriper to paint it onto the side of the school bus. That'd be kind of neat. A non-wacky name that is painted? Yeah, like an elegant name painted on the side in an elegant manner as one would on a sea yacht. I think that would be lovely. I love that when pressed, your two elegant names for school buses are The Moon and stars or Lincoln.

Well, it's after my favorite city in Nebraska. Oh, right. OK. And my favorite shapes in Lucky Charm cereal. If you want to have stenciled onto the side of your school bus moon and stars over Lincoln, Nebraska, go for it. Here's something from Aaron. My roommate jules and i wait moon and start wait a minute since you love uh since you love abbreviations so much moon and stars over lincoln massols m-a-s-o-l-s all right go on to the next one here's something from Aaron. My roommate Jules and I have a dispute over air conditioning.

I recognize Los Angeles heat is hard to endure, and the fact that his girlfriend sleeps over every night contributes to their likelihood to overheat at night. However, our AC runs very cold, and I often have to borrow a blanket when they turn it on. Not only that, but the AC unit is loud and is annoyingly irregular rhythmically and wakes me up at night. We thought we had this solved by setting the unit to only come on when it was above 72 inside, but lately Jules has been turning it on when it's below 50 outside, when he could open the window to cool off.

I would like an order that Jules buys a small fan to aim at his bed so that I may sleep in peace. This is the only point of contention in a dear friendship, and we're both bad at conflict, so we tiptoe around the issue. Please help mediate this dispute. First of all, Jesse, we are talking about Los Angeles. I left Los Angeles yesterday, and those of you who want to time every movement in my life to a particular date in the calendar, this will give you a clue. You guys had an earthquake last evening, did you not? We did, although I did not notice it.

Right. Well, it was not a very strong earthquake, as far as I could tell, but some people noticed it and it happened to be centered upon an oil drilling field right around South La Cienega Boulevard, where people were concerned that there was some fracking that was causing an earthquake, and the whole of California was going to fall into the sea as a result. And I had left California that afternoon, and I really felt like I had just escaped total devastation because in this trip to California, more than others, it feels like everything is falling apart in Los Angeles. Right, Jesse? The drought is terrible. You guys are going to run out of water in about five days.

Earthquakes are happening. Doesn't it feel like Los Angeles is becoming more and more untenable? I don't know. We just put out a new strategic plan, so that should be pretty cool. Yeah. How about everyone move 500 miles to the east? Too many people on the end of this country. It's going to tip off.

In any case, I think about this because there's so, I mean, you know, Los Angeles, you live, Aaron, and Jules and Jules' girlfriend, you all live in a city that by rights should not exist. You are living in a massive metropolis that requires a lot of water and electricity in a place where there is not a lot of water and there is a lot of heat. in a place where there is not a lot of water and there is a lot of heat. And the electricity required in no small measure just to cool everyone off so you can live there. No one should be there. And since you are living in such an ecologically fragile place, you might remind Jules to take it easy on the AC a little bit.

Because Los Angeles can be quite temperate and lovely as it was the past couple of weeks temperature-wise as well as being super-duper hot. I don't think that you're saying for a moment that you shouldn't have AC, particularly when it gets into the 90s and above, as does happen. But for Jules to be flipping on the AC when it's 50 degrees outside, after you have already had a conversation about this and have set the cutoff point at 72, that is disrespectful to you as a roommate and a friend.

And that is disrespectful to the fate of this delicate state that you are all living in called California. Stop doing that, Jules. Look, I'm a guy who loves air conditioning in called California. Stop doing that Jules. I look, I'm a guy who loves air conditioning. I love to hear it as I sleep. I love to feel it. I love the smell of it. I love to sleep in a well air conditioned room and I, and I sympathize Jules, but, uh, but what you were doing is, is rude and not okay. So move it back up to 72. is rude and not okay. So move it back up to 72. Don't turn it on.

You can get a fan if you like, but I would not want you to get South Korean fan death. Listeners of the podcast know that if you have a box fan or any kind of fan in your, in your bedroom, when you sleep and the door is closed and the windows are closed and that fan is running, the fan will chop up the air and you will suffocate. Or so goes a very, very common urban myth in South Korea.

So I absolutely find an errands favor. Jules, you can get a fan if you like, but don't disrespect your roommate and the world by turning on the air conditioner when it's 50 degrees outside. That's ridiculous. Here's something from Tim. Judge Hodgman, I have a dispute with a girl I'm seeing. Is cereal a soup? Oh, brother. I contend that unlike both your salad and sandwich rulings,

every definition of soup could potentially include some form of hot or cold cereal. Every definition of soup could potentially include some form of hot or cold cereal. I seek an order permanently listing any combination of solids suspended in liquids to be classified as soup. That seems like a problematic description. Just denied. Get out of my court. You are ginning up a dispute where there is none. You are just trying. You know, it brings us full circle because when this when this podcast began as a segment on the wonderful Jordan Jesse Go podcast, also under the banner of Maximum Fun.

If you're listening to me, I'm sure you're aware of it. The very first case we heard was, is chili a soup or a stew? And I had to give that considerable thought because it was a question that deserved thoughtful consideration. And the answer, Jesse, stew. It was a slowly braised, semi-gelatinous meat colloid, and therefore is a stew and not a soup. What you're talking about is cereal a soup? Get out of here. Stop it.

No frivolous lawsuits in my court. Cereal is not a soup. I'm trying to explain to you why Like is hot dog a sandwich? That's a reasonable question Is cereal Am I wrong Jesse? No of course not Only a jerk would even ask that question

Right you're just asking a question to ask a question Don't waste my time In the immortal words of Tom Sharpling The best show Get off my phone I'll say this though Oh boy As you know In the immortal words of Tom Sharpling, the best show. Get off my phone. I'll say this, though. Oh, boy.

As you know, I'm famous for my relentless positivity. Yeah. And I'll say that one soup-like cereal that I've really enjoyed is a savory oatmeal. A lot of people put raisins or brown sugar, maple syrup in their oatmeal. All those are fine. But I have really enjoyed, if you make oatmeal, especially if you make it with stock instead of water. What?

I know. And then you can add some cheese or some green onions or other sort of basic fixings. Yeah. It stands alongside other savory grain-based breakfasts in other parts of the world, like, for example, congee in the chicken and rice stew soup that is often eaten for breakfast in much of Asia. I'm just throwing it out there. I read about it, an article about it in the newspaper one time. I said that sounds pretty good. I gave it a try time i have it i'm very satisfied a little bit of stock some oatmeal was that like chicken stock yeah like vegetable stock i like chicken stock i think it tastes better than vegetable stock but there's you know there's some vegetables chicken stock right are you and was the vegetable stock your innovation?

I don't think I invented that. Well, I don't even know. I mean, I think you point to something that's very important is that most soups, right, have a broth base, right? They have a broth base that is either vegetable beef or chicken broth or stock. Stock being a heavier version of a broth. Less watery, right? But not solid, obviously. More densely flavored with the flavors of beef or chicken or vegetables, right? And that broth base makes it a savory dish, whether served hot or cold. Gazpacho, I guess, would be a soup.

I kind of feel like that's a sweet, generous thing, which is gazpacho. Yeah, I mean, there are a few dishes that are based on pureed vegetables like a fishies swaz for example which may have less stock in them even they even even like uh even gazpacho you know you might need a splash of stock in there even as juicy as a tomato is there there are certainly out there are certainly outliers but i think we have inadvertently come to a definition of a soup, which is that it is a liquid combination of elements that includes broth or stock and does not include milk. And so maybe your breakfast, your savory breakfast oatmeal might be kind of a porridgey stew. Your breakfast, your savory breakfast oatmeal might be kind of a porridgey stew.

But in no way is even even is no way rice krispies a soup. You know this. Right. And the other thing is, if you make if you make your cereal into a soup, you're making cereal wrong. Like if your ratio is such that you just have a few a few flakes of corn floating around in a milk soup, then you're a weirdo. You're wetting the dried cereals and bringing them to life, but you're not swamping them with your milk broth. Oh, Tim, you tricked me into thinking about this, and it deserved no thought. I hope you're satisfied. Get out of town. Here's another case. This comes from Courtney. Can you please just mention that yes,

non-human mammals can be sentient? All right. I'm getting really tired of people incorrectly correcting me for the use of this word when the word they are thinking of is sapient. The worst part is it's mostly nerds and people with a passion for science who do this it is painful uh yeah so yes i got a number of letters not just from courtney with regard to uh whether non-human mammals are sentient or not. And many of them offered the same distinction, that sentient was what we meant. So I'm going to look them up, going to our old favorite, Merriam-Webster. Sentient, of course, is commonly used,

particularly in science fiction contexts, such as whether or not data the android counts as a human being or not, as being self-aware. sentience is merely able to feel, hear, smell, and taste and be conscious of these sense impressions, which is relatively self-aware. And I would agree that non-human mammals are sentient. Sapient, however, does not work for the kind of self-awareness we're talking about. Sapient merely means possessing or expressing great sagacity, which is to say wisdom and good taste. I am sagacious. Jesse is sagacious. But neither of us are self-aware or know that we are human. Do you see what I'm saying?

So even though you're right to correct me, Courtney, you're wrong to suggest sapient is a better option. When I think self-aware is really kind of what we're trying to get away from. And by self-aware, meaning not just aware that we can smell prey food or smell ourselves and perceive our hands as our own, but also being aware on a high level that our consciousness is our own, being aware of our own consciousness and being able to question our own consciousness. Does that make sense? I think it does.

I say yes. But, Courtney, you're wrong, and I want you to be extremely self-aware about it. Maybe even self-conscious about it for the rest of your life. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable,

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babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're Made in, made in. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in,

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The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I.

It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-T-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Here's something from Guy. I need your help.'ve lived with my friend kyle for three years i learned early on that i was the felix to his oscar but that's a reference to the odd couple

he agreed movie tv show and tv show right and tv show and there was a third there was a third odd couple too people i mean people would know felix and and Oscar I think from their legendary portrayals by Thomas Lennon from the state and what's his face from friends Matthew Perry thank you he's a good actor I was I was gonna say uh what was the what was the one sorry I gotta find it now Ron Glass of Barney Miller and Firefly and Demond Wilson as Oscar. Ron Glass played Felix and Demond Wilson played Oscar in a 1982 to 83 ABC version called The New Odd Couple. But go on. He agrees that he isn't into cleaning and volunteered to pay the cable and internet if I kept the apartment clean. I actually don't have an issue with that.

What I do have an issue with is his busted bedroom door, which he hasn't fixed in two years. A while back, Kyle had a woman over and the lock on his door broke. The woman had to leave for work but couldn't get out of his room. I had to bust down the door action movie star style, and to this day there's a gaping hole in the door that I can see through. I see and hear all of the women he brings over. The hole in the door is an eyesore. It needs to be fixed. I don't want to see any more naked women splayed out on his king-sized bed. He says

he'll fix the door but it's been two years and he hasn't done it. I've actually gone to Home Depot to price out a new door and I found someone who can install it kyle just isn't moving forward on the information i've given him i need help i need justice first of all i was with you all along there guy also second of all i love your name, I was with you all along there Until you didn't have to point out That you're seeing naked women splayed out on his king-sized bed That was a detail that I found distasteful And also made me think

Maybe you protesteth too mucheth Maybe you love looking through this hole-eth. That's my Shakespeare talk. Do you like it, Jesse? Yeah, that was pretty good. Yeah. You should probably start an improv group and start touring colleges. I met one of those guys.

The improvised Shakespeare company. Is that what it's called? Yeah. Well, that's one of the 10 000 shakespeare themed improv shows across this great nation probably the best oh no oh now you oh you don't like them i have no problem with them i bet they're really good at it i've never seen i worked i worked with a guy named ross who was part of the original or claimed to be part of the original group and he was a very talented guy and i bet they're great anyway yeah. Yeah, this one little detail about how you don't want to see any more naked women splayed was the word that I really didn't like.

That made me feel like that was gross. It made me feel like you're somewhat of a Humbertian, unreliable narrator in this little short story that you call the odd couple the new new new odd couple uh and and and so i would say what uh don't don't look through the hole first of all don't there's a way i bet you there's a way you can get by that door without looking through the hole to see anyone splayed in there my by the way my compliments to uh to the roommate, Kyle, for having a king-size bed. That's a cool thing. King-size beds are the best. In any case, use some self-restraint.

Don't look through the hole. Call Home Depot. Call the handy person who's going to come over and fix it. Fix the door and give Kyle the bill. Just take care of it. it, fix the door and give Kyle the bill. Just take care of it. Your friend Kyle is a deadbeat and a creep who has too many girlfriends and can't take care of himself and doesn't appreciate that good doors make good roommates. You're never going to be able to change him. And I hope next time any of those women come out of that bedroom, you let them know.

This is the kind of guy who lets there be a hole in his bedroom door and doesn't care if his creepy roommate looks at you splayed all the time. And then maybe those girls will go away and you'll never have to worry about this problem again. And they'll be happier and so will you. Here's something from Jessica. I'm a longtime listener of the show and a huge fan since finding out about your show via Stuff You Should Know. I've been discovering all the other great shows on MaxFun. Thank you to Josh and Chuck for that.

I got to see Josh and Chuck, the hosts of Stuff You Should Know, live in person here in Los Angeles. Had a very nice time. Beautiful theater in downtown. Two charming, funny dudes, those guys. They're two of my favorite dudes. We heard to your dismay that you have not been able to get Moxie to sponsor the show. We wanted to remedy this situation for you.

So we've sent in a $50 donation to sponsor the show from Moxie. We hope this sponsorship from Moxie will benefit the show from Moxie. What? We hope this sponsorship from Moxie will benefit the show. Sincerely, Jessica Kyle and Moxie Elizabeth Mauerhan. Oh, it's not Moxie the soda, but Moxie the baby human. Yeah.

Oh, and there's some photos of Moxie. Moxie's adorable. What an adorable child. I presume a girl? Typically that's... Moxie. Moxie's adorable. What an adorable child. I presume a girl. Looks like a girl. Typically that's, Moxie tends to be the name of a girl. Not to be gender normative here, but Moxie is a girl's name. Yeah.

Well, technically Moxie is a girl's cat's name. I mean, technically Moxie is a regional soda pop's name. My sister-in-law has a girl cat named Moxie. So that's why. But clearly, your child is human, and I congratulate you. And I thank her for the $50 that she obviously earned and sent in to Maximum Fun. As I thank all of the people who donated to Maximum Fun over the MaxFunDrive. As you guys know, it was a huge success, and we're very, very grateful.

Also, in terms of things being sent in, Jesse, I feel the need to talk about this guy who created a Hodgman double. Yeah, he sure did. That was intense. Okay, so some of you may know that Jesse and I, a few episodes back, put out a challenge to the Judge John Hodgman listenership to create a patent-worthy design for a double-ended unicycle. That is to say, a unicycle that is a street tire on one end, and then much like a double-ended lightsaber if you flip it over there's another

wheel that's actually not like a lightsaber at all but you understand what i'm saying um so this is to say a unicycle with a with a wheel on two ends and a seat somewhere in the middle and we got two great designs one of which was featured uh on a on a on a limited edition hodgman double t-shirt we called it the Hodgman Double, or that person did. And the other of which received a grant from us to go forth and develop it. And then a third person, someone named Paul Bruno, went ahead and made it. He made one of these things and, more surprisingly, tested it, and even more surprisingly, did not die.

And in fact, lived long enough to send us this email. Dear John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne, in 1980 at age 12, in an effort to become more interesting, I took up unicycle riding. Oh, I get it. You're wacky. A couple years later, I acquired a six-foot twin giraffe model unicycle to become even more interesting. Since that time, i have lived an empty shell of a life thinking i had reached peak interesting then along came hodgman double hearing about it on your podcast and then seeing the excellent drawings i knew i had a chance to become yet more interesting by building and riding a working prototype so here it is one of the clamps

failed almost immediately during the maiden test ride so i had to hold the upper part in position as i rode it, but the exercise definitely demonstrates the feasibility of your invention. I know. I will tell you that the two drawings you and Jesse picked were the soundest designs and easiest to build from among the submissions. I altered them only slightly by using 45-degree clamps

instead of a 90-degree clamp and bends that both set of drawings showed. I also chose to utilize two different wheel diameters, a 26 inch knobby tire for mountain riding or touring and a 20 inch, which is more suitable for trick riding. You can use this texture video in any way you wish. And I am, I'm reading your thing out loud and the video URL is currently unlisted,

but it will be public by the time this podcast airs. And you can all go to, to go to our website at maximumfund.org and you will see the video. And I urge you to go over through the link to Paul Bruno's YouTube channel and like it because it's pretty incredible. Unfortunately, we have to sue him for violating our patent. And double unfortunately, this new unicycle doesn't make you more interesting.

Do you know why? You already are interesting. You're a guy who would make a thing. You don't have to do wacky stuff to be interesting. Do wacky stuff if you wanna. But I think you're already plenty interesting. Also, don't move into

a school bus that's all i got you know i first encountered a mountain unicycle at the aforementioned porter college at the university of california santa cruz and jordan and i are going to be headed back there for the 50th anniversary of UCSC and the 34th anniversary of my birth on April 24th. Oh, happy advanced birthday. Thank you very much. We are doing a show at the Kumbwa Jazz Center, which is a real place in Santa Cruz, California. And we have a murderer's row of entertainers. We're going to have the great John Vanderslice there, who folks have probably heard on our live in San Francisco episode of Judge John Hodgman.

I got to sing a song with him. We're going to have the hilarious Bucky Sinister there, who is a poet, novelist, and stand-up comic, as well as a guy who looks exactly like Walter from The Big Lebowski. and stand-up comic, as well as a guy who looks exactly like Walter from The Big Lebowski. We are going to have the UCSC High Tones all-female a cappella group there. Ta-da! Yeah, that's exactly what they do. They sing. That's their signature song.

And it's going to be a blast. The proceeds are going to benefit our college radio station, KZSC, which is the heavyweight 88. If it weren't for KZSC, I would never have had this career that I have. So I am very grateful to them, and I know Jordan is too. So if you live in Silicon Valley, or you live in the Monterey Bay area, you live in San Francisco, you live in San Luis Obispo, you live at Hearst Castle, drive up, drive down, drive in, drive out. Come see us at the Combo Jazz Center on April 24th. It's going to be a blast. The tickets are on sale now.

Go to MaximumFun.org and you can find the link there. And Jesse, I actually do have one thing that I would like to announce. I have a big tour coming up this fall and not many shows before the summer. But I will tell you there is one coming up that I'm very excited about. And tickets are on sale now to see me in Charleston, West Virginia. Not just in Charleston, West Virginia, and not just as part of the summer festival lineup, but at the Scottish Rite Temple. You know how much I love performing in Freemasonic temples, right, Jesse?

Oh, that's like what you live for. It's something that I've done before and just love to do. And I'm so excited to be visiting Charleston, West Virginia. I've never been to West Virginia. I've always wanted to go. There is a young man named Chase Henderson who's worked very hard to put this together.

This is a guy that I have met at show after show of mine as he drives hours after hours to get from his home in West Virginia to the various places that I do deign to play in, such as Pittsburgh and parts of Ohio and other places that are near West Virginia but never quite there. And I said to him, I will go and perform there in the land of my brother and my brother and me, if you can help me figure out a place to perform. And he did it. And not only did he do it, but he figured out, without my even telling him, that I love to perform in Masonic temples.

And so it's going to happen. It's on June 22nd, 2015, at 8 p.m. in the evening. 22nd, 2015 at 8 p.m. in the evening. Tickets are available right now at www.festivalcharleston.com. That's festival with two L's. Festival and Charleston, all one word. And it's a great summer arts festival. Trombone Shorty is playing. Lots of other great acts June 22nd.

I'm really looking forward to it, and I encourage you to buy tickets and come see me. Hey, and guess what? You're on Jordan Jesse Go this week. What? What? Yeah, people who have not yet. Judge John Hodgman listeners who have not yet checked out

Jordan Jesse Go, now is the perfect time. This week's guest, is the perfect time. This week's guest, for the first time since he made his original appearances as Judge John Hodgman, the first time in many years, John is a guest on Jordan Jesse Go, so you can hang out with me and Jordan and John for 90 minutes on this week's episode. It is a blast. It is a delightful episode. I'm very happy with it. Yeah, I can't wait to record it. Has it happened yet?

Yeah, we already did it. We just did it the other day. I know. I was trying to pretend that it was happening live. Oh, yeah. Well, it's going to happen live. No, we already did it, everybody. Sorry to ruin the magic, and we had a great time. So listen to it. Get into your iTunes and subscribe to Jordan Jesse Go. Okay, that's it. Our producer, Julia Smith. Our editor, Mark McConville. Thanks to them. For Judge John Hodgman, I'm Jesse Thorne. We'll talk to you next time.

I'm still here, Jesse, and I'm Judge John Hodgman. Now say we'll talk to you next time. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho. For Judge John Hodgman, I'm Jesse Thorne. We'll talk to you next time. For Jesse Thorne, I'm Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho. For Judge John Hodgman, I'm Jesse Thorne. We'll talk to you next time. For Jesse Thorne, I'm Judge John Hodgman.

We'll talk to you next time. We've got to work on our sign-off. Bye, everybody. Bye-bye. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener-supported.