Judge John Hodgman - Mordor in the Court

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

Andrew wants to throw a birthday party for Bilbo Baggins from Lord of the Rings. His wife, Marie, says that he is welcome to throw this party. But, she won't be there! Who's right? Who's wrong? We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman.Thanks to reddit user u/_magpie_ for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at maximumfun.reddit.com! Judge John Hodgman: Road Court is happening NOW! Get your tickets at maximumfun.org/events.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgeman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorn. This week, Mordor in the court. Andrew brings the case against his wife, Marie. Andrew is planning a backyard harvest party for their family and friends on September 22, which happens to be the date of Bilbo Baggins' birthday in the Lord of the Rings. Andrew wants to make the party a celebration of Bilbo Baggins' birthday in The Lord of the Rings. Andrew wants to make the party a celebration of Bilbo's big day.

But Marie says, if this ends up being a Hobbit party, she's not going. Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. While there was still a king at Rib Roast, the Boggies remained nominally his subjects. And to the last battle at Ribrost, with the slumlord of Borax, they sent some snipers,

though who they sided with is unclear. And there the North Kingdom ended, and the Boggies returned to their well-ordered simple lives, eating and drinking, singing and dancing, and passing bad checks. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Andrew, Marie, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God or whatever? I do. We do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he probably only watched the first half of that 12 hour long Hobbit movie? I do. I do. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. I think I watched the first one of them. How many of them were there?

Six. They made three movies out of a short book in order to get, gotta get that trilogy. You know what I'm talking about order to get, got to get that trilogy. You know what I'm talking about, right? Andrew got to get that trilogy. Um, yes. And then I didn't, even though I love, I mean, at the risk of biasing myself, I love Lord of the Rings.

Mm hmm. Yeah, there's a lot to love. But before we get into... Yeah, there's definitely no shortage of Lord of the Rings. There's plenty of Lord of the Rings. There's plenty of Lord of the Rings. There's a lot to go. There's a lot to go. There's only one ring.

There's a lot to go. One ring to rule them all, one ring to bind them, one ring to bring them all in the darkness, find them. Famous poem. I thought you just made that up. No, no, no. It's a very famous, very famous poem by Robert Frost. All right.

So before we hear this case, we we gotta get this out of the way. You may be seated, Andrew and Marie, for an immediate summary judgment. In one of your favorites, can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom? Andrew, you got a guess? The only cultural reference I've ever known

from listening to the podcast was the Bragg's apple cider vinegar label. And so I'm gonna go with that one as my guess. You got the Bragg's apple cider vinegar label. It's the only one that as you said it, I thought that is exactly what it is. I don't even remember what that one was. Yeah, me neither.

Bragg's apple cider vinegar is the one with the quote mother unquote, whatever that means. Yes, it's a mother strand. Yeah. It's a blob. It's a blob. It's a blob. It's a blob of stuff at the bottom of the bottle of apple cider vinegar, right? Only buy foods that have a weird blob in them.

It's a cultural reference in many ways. Yeah, I share your eye there, Marie. You might need to add that. You're married to this guy? I am. I am. 17 years. Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah.

Anyway, so do you have a guess, Marie? So I'm supposed to guess what that excerpt was from. Right? And it's not pop culture, right? It's obscure culture. It was, I'll give you this non-hint, it was weirdly popular in its day, which was 1969. Oh.

And it is not the label of Bragg's apple cider vinegar. I was going to say something to do with Gulliver's Travels, but that was a little bit before 1969. A little bit before 1969. Yeah. It was our mid's Travels, but that was a little bit before 1969. A little bit before 1969. Yeah. But it was mid-60s, right? Yeah, that's right. It was that time when the 60s were still really the 50s. Yeah, it was more folk than hippie. Yeah. Beatnik, that was a Beatnik thing, a beatnik novel by Jonathan Swift or Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Which one was it? Yeah, there. It's not Gulliver's Travel. It's not Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar Label. This book from 1969 is called Board of the Rings. Board of the Rings. I'm holding it up here for... I have a first edition in paperback that I founded probably at the Big Chicken Barn in Maine at one point. It was produced in 1969 as a reaction to the huge readership that Lord of the Rings developed on college campuses in the 60s. And it was published by the Harvard Lampoon from Harvard University. And it was published by the Harvard Lampoon from Harvard University. And it was co-written by Henry Beard and Doug Kenny,

two of the two famous founders of the National Lampoon. Doug Kenny, of course, co-wrote to Animal House and Caddyshack and died at the age of 33 in Hawaii, tragically. But before he did that, before he died, he wrote Board of the Rings. One last act. And this, look at died, he wrote Board of the Rings. One last act. And this, look at this, tiny little slip of a thing. And I had never looked at it.

I had this on my bookshelf for probably a decade or more. I never once looked at it. It is wildly... What's the word I'm looking for? Faithful. I mean, almost line by line. They're doing line by line parodies. I don't know how they got the whole book into this slim little thing, but maybe they just got tired.

And guess what? So they called it Board of the Rings instead of Lord of the Rings, Jesse. Guess what they called Frodo Baggins. Joe Tachran, what did they call Frodo Baggins? Rito Bugger. See, this is how this is why they revolutionized comedy in the 1970s. This was the thing that transformed some dudes working

at the Harvard Lampoon into an international force in comedy that changed the trajectory of the form. Guess what they call Bilbo Baggins. Judge Hodgman. Guess what they call Bilbo Baggins. Judge Hodgman, what did they call Bilbo Baggins? Jennifer Marmer, get ready to bleep this one. B****** bugger. Yeah, you can find that on the streets of Park Slope this afternoon. It finally served its purpose.

In the meantime, I am back in Brooklyn now. Thank you very much to Joel Mann and the gang at WERU for hosting the Summer Chambers up there in Maine, but I'm back in business in Brooklyn, New York City, now here with Marie and Andrew to hear this case. All guesses are wrong, so we got to hear it. Andrew, you bring the case to this court, correct? It says here that you want to change your harvest party into a Bilbo and Frodo Baggins birthday party. Is that right?

Yeah, yeah, definitely want to in the spirit of just being a bit of a nerd to celebrate Bilbo Baggins birthday party with a big banner that says Happy Birthday Bilbo Baggins and all sorts of other Hobbit stuff. To give me an idea, imagine I was going to be one of your guests. And you're writing me an invitation to this party, handwritten in your Lord of the Rings handwriting with all the extra dots above the A's or whatever. In a sentence, what would you write to me in the invitation to give me a sense of what

to expect? Come to celebrate the beloved character Bilbo Baggins in the true spirit of a Hobbit birthday party with food and drink and games and everybody would leave with a gift. And you would put down at the bottom, BYOP. Bring your own pipeweed. Yeah, that's a great, I will do that. Murray, that's the Lord of the Rings thing. See, that's the thing.

I feel like I'm already at a disadvantage here because I didn't even get that joke. Murray, you don't like the idea of having a Hobbit birthday party. If you could describe Andrew's concept in one word, what word would you use to describe it? And you may choose the most contemptuous word you can think of. Embarrassing? What embarrassing, yeah. Maybe we'll be able to.

Maybe we don't need to advertise that we're geeky in this particular specific way. When you say we, do you consider yourself, and by the way, nerds, I don't need you to be sending me letters about the differences between nerds and geeks and dorks, you know? We're all wrong we're all... Listen up, Dweebuses, we don't want your letters.

This is gonna be your most highly contentious podcast episode. We're all on the same well-thumbed page of the Silmarillion. Yeah. See, I don't get that. So that's the question that I have for you. Are you indeed, madam, a dweeb, a dork, a nerd, a geek, or are you cool and it's your husband who's a weirdo?

I would say I can be geeky, but I'm not the type of geek that is really into sci-fi and other worlds. Famous science fiction book, The Lord of the Rings. What are you into, Marie? I watched the movie. I watched the movie. Okay.

Marie, what are you into? Twyla Tharp? Yes. Yeah. So what kind of things do you nerd out about then, Marie? What are you, you're into theater. You are a dancer, right? Trained.

Well, yeah, so trained dancer. I don't perform anymore. Aged out of that career. I really love Beyonce, and I get really nerdy about Beyonce. Yesterday was her birthday. It's interesting. You can obviously nerd out about Beyonce. In a weird way, Beyonce is the one of the few remnants of what we used to call the monoculture. Now we're starting here on a premise that I don't understand, Andrew. What is a harvest party to begin with? A harvest party, well, it's just an excuse for a party.

So we celebrate birthdays and different things throughout the year, and we get this group of friends together,, this group of friends together or this group of this guy celebrates birthdays, Jesse. So I wanted to do one party to bring all of the different friend groups together that isn't attached to a specific person or a theme. So you haven't had a harvest party before. This is not a tradition in your family.

The harvest party. No, you were just looking for a fall time party. Yeah. That actually happens to fall as it were on or about the autumnal equinox that does mark the passing of summer into fall. It does. Yeah. That, and we have like a garden and nano orchard

that's growing and will be producing, so I'm trying to- A nano orchard. Yeah, tell me about this nano orchard. With like two of each kind of tree. Like a peach tree on a thumb drive? It's tiny robotic spiders they're growing. Okay, so Andrew, this harvest party is a new idea,

not an old tradition in your family, right? Correct. And part of that has to do with the space where we want to hold the party is new for us. I know you want to brag about your patio. We're going to take a look at it in a second. I got that. Stand by for a second.

Hold for patio, patio flying in. My strategy is working great. I got you on Stand by for a second. Hold for patio, patio flying in. My strategy is working great. I got you on that one, Marie. You've heard a lot about this patio, haven't you? I have. Marie has notes in front of her that just say, petard-coist, question mark.

And when did you pitch the idea of a harvest party on the brand new patio to Marie. When did I pitch it was when I said, hey, you know that harvest party that I wanted to do, can we make that a Bilbo Baggins party? And she said to me, what harvest party? So it was one of those things that I had in my mind and forgot to take it out of my brain. I understand.

Marie, the first time you heard about this was when Andrew, your husband of 17 years, came to you and said, you know the harvest party we're talking about? And you're like, no. And you're like, I want to make it a Bilbo Baggins party. And you're like, double no. Correct. Okay, got it. Correct.

Correct. Your face was exactly what her face was like. Yeah. I like Andrew's lifestyle. My mom does this. My mom will be like, I was just talking to you in my mind. And... Is this something that's pretty typical of Andrew that'll have conversations that he thought he had with you in his head and later you learned that he's changed his mind about

them? It is typical that he will have a whole conversation in his head and then tell me the final product as if he was talking to me along the way and not to himself. Got it. Yes. Are there other examples? There are too many.

I don't know if I can think of a specific one. Why don't you think about it while we look at this patio finally? Oh yeah, I was gonna say say it could be about the patio. That's something I didn't know was happening. Let's take a look because Andrew very proudly sent in some photos of the new backyard patio in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I learned that that's how you say it.

You don't say Lancaster, Lancaster. All these photos will be available obviously on our Instagram page, and our show page at maximumfun.orgorg and anywhere else you can see our stuff. In this case, it's Andrew's stuff because you built all this stuff, right, Andrew? Yeah, yeah. I thought you were just a Lord of the Rings nerd. I didn't know you were a trellis nerd.

Yeah, no, I love a trellis. Oh, he has built a trellis since he took that picture. What's a nano orchard without a trellis, Judge Hodgman? Exactly, with a micro-trell. Let me say that this is a beautiful patio that you put together back here in your backyard in Lancaster. And I see one wooden archway.

I see one, I guess it's not exactly a trellis, but it's a beautiful structure for the hanging of fairy lights behind a nice bar. Did you put these flagstones down? Oh, I'm sorry. In Lancaster, do you say flagstones? Yeah, so I did it all. I had been collecting for a few years whenever I found on Facebook marketplace a cheap amount of flagstone. I would buy it and had it piled up in different places in our backyard.

And when I reached the tipping point of too many piles of rocks, I decided to put them into a more beautiful arrangement. And you did this yourself? Yes. Marie, do you understand how many, how many Judge John Hodgman cases are basically like, my husband buys rocks on Facebook Marketplace and never does anything with them. Would you please order him to finish his project?

And you have a husband who not only finished the project, but you have to admit it looks beautiful, doesn't it? Yes. It is gorgeous. His craftsmanship is excellent. To back up, he did not tell me why he was collecting those rocks for years. BLAIR LAUGHS I'm pretty sure we had that conversation. At least in my head.

So, you know, the case, if this would have been last year before he started the project, it could have been a case like that. Why are there huge piles of flagstone in our backyard? Have you ever spoken to each other before today? It is nice. Andrew, can I introduce you to Marie? She's a dance instructor.

Marie, Andrew is a woodworker. This is like the thing that has both caused a lot of tension in our relationship over the years and also has probably kept us together for 17 years, honestly. The mystery? The mystery stones? Yeah, the real worry is that now the flagstones are arranged beautifully into this patio, maybe there's nothing to be married for anymore.

It's a different episode. When did you build the patio? The patio was last summer. Yeah, just weekends last summer. Were you thinking about the Hobbit party when you were using your simple levers? No, no, I was thinking of a fun place to relax and yes, in the hammock and Murray, why are you trying to relitigate this flagstone mystery? Come on. The way the Hobbit party came into my mind was I was reading Lord of the Rings, and every

time I remember, every time I've read through Lord of the Rings and read through just that first part of Fellowship of the Rings where they talk about, he goes very into detail about how hobbits like to have their birthday parties. And it's like a specific date, September 22nd. And there's like no other nerdy thing that has such a specific date attached to it that I'm like, why don't like, how come I've never celebrated that or done anything with that before? I guess previously, like the nerd day that we all kind of like nodded to each other on May 4th

because it was Star Wars day. May the fourth be with you. Yeah, and so when I like 10 years ago, I felt like that was the cool like inside nerdy thing that if you knew that May 4th was Star Wars day, it was cool, it was like, if you're driving in a Jeep with no doors and you pass another Jeep, you give them that Jeep wave.

But it's... I know what you mean. And you don't have to not have doors on. As long as it's a Wrangler or a Jeep. Yeah, there's the Jeep wave. And that was like a nerd thing. And now I feel like since Disney bought Star Wars, they've really commercialized

and taken away the innocence and purity of Star Wars. Well, you should watch Jenny Nicholson's four hour YouTube video about Galaxy's Edge. I will, thank you. Hey, maybe you get a big projector in your backyard and I'll come over and watch it with you. There is a projector. We do have a projector.

There's a screen. There's a screen. There we go. And we watch baseball games on it because the Phillies are doing very well. Yes, I saw your eyebrows go up, Jesse. Um, and... See, I just sit, I sit on my hammock and listen to the baseball game, but this is next level.

Yeah. Look, I also have read the opening scenes of The Fellowship of the Ring many times because it describes the birthday party that Bilbo throws for himself. It also happens to be his nephew Frodo's birthday. There's a lot of detail as you describe Andrew of the birthday party. I've read that scene multiple times because after a little while I get tired and I put it down, I don't pick it up again. I've read the whole book at least twice, the whole trilogy even.

You're right, Marie, that I do love this work, but I will endeavor to be as absolutely neutral as I can on this. OK. And in fact, I'm going to let Andrew make your case for you by asking him this specific question. You know, what goes down, what goes on at a Hobbit birthday party, right, Andrew, but a lot of people don't.

And maybe Marie doesn't. So why don't you explain to us what your vision for Bilbo's birthday is? What are people going to wear? What are the traditions of a Hobbit birthday is. What are people gonna wear? What are the traditions of a Hobbit birthday party? What's gonna happen in this backyard? Tell me all the nerdy stuff. BLAIR Well, so my vision for it would try and tone down some of the nerdiness.

It's something where people would be welcome to dress in shyer attire, but it's not mandatory. Hobbits love to eat. So there'd be a lot of Hobbit-themed or Shire-themed foods to eat. I've got a menu planned out in my head. Go on, tell me what your foods.

So Hobbits love mushrooms. So there'd be a lot of mushroom dishes, stuffed mushroom cups. They'll often take a shortcut to mushrooms. Well, yeah. Potatoes. Yes, we can boil them. We can mash them. And I wanted to make I don't remember the rest of that quote, but I'm with you. I wanted to have like a mashed potato bar with where you can pop your own mashed potatoes. I also, I do a lot of live fire cooking. So I have a large cast iron cauldron type thing that I wanted to make

a rabbit and potato stew in. Abrasive conies. That's right. Or as they would say in Lancaster conies. A little east of us, but yeah. There's a lot of food that's discussed in Lord of the Rings. Samwise is talking about food they would say in Lancaster Coneys. Cool east of us, but yeah. There's a lot of food that's discussed in Lord of the Rings. Samwise is talking about food a lot.

That's where all these- I know. If you're getting confused, listener, the references to potatoes and Coneys and so forth, that's all Samwise Gamgee. That's right. Hobbit Cuisine Talk. Yeah. He should have a YouTube channel.

But also some live music. I've got some. What kind of live music is it going to be like? Kind of the kind of like bagpipe penny whistle stuff they have at the Prancing Pony and Brie. No, I was thinking more of the stuff from the Green Dragon in. Shea. Well, parried, sir. So I've got a couple of people on deck that I'm trying to get in.

But yeah, like an upbeat folk kind of maybe some banjos. Banjos. What I really want is I want to find an artist that can put to music and the end wife song, which is from the two towers, but it's reading it as a poem, it's beautiful. And I would love to hear it put into music as like as a duet. When spring unfolds the beach and leaf and sap is in the bow. When light is on the wildwood stream and wind is on the brow. When stride is long and breath is deep and keen the mountain air. Come back to me, come back to me and say my land is fair.

Yes. Yeah. So that because the end wives leave the ends because they have different interests, much like your wife is going to leave the youth. Exactly. So I thought it would be really beautiful to have like a male female back and forth is the song describes and Anyway a ceremonial parting of the ways for the husbands and wives to attend the party It's the calling back together it's they're calling each of them to their own Marie. Do you know what an ant is? No There's a giant walking tree. Oh.

Remember those? You said you saw the movie. Happy relationships? Yes, I did see that movie. Yeah, where do you think baby giant walking trees come from? Anting, they're called. You're gonna have a big banner that says Happy Birthday Bill Bill Bangin'

just like in the movie, right? Yeah. Obviously. And on that one. And one of the hit my hit me hard when I first tried to read this book as a kid is that Hobbit birthday parties, the person, the birthday celebratory is the one who gives the gifts. Yeah, that's right. They don't get gifts. They give gifts.

That's right. What are you going to give magic rings out? No, I was thinking of making a pecan sandy type shortbread and wrapping it in a banana leaf to resemble the elven lembas bread. But well, and then having that as a parting gift, I think we were all thinking of that. Obviously, they even make a reference in Board of the Rings to the Elven Lempus Bread. I couldn't believe it. You gotta mail that book to Andrew.

They call it the Magic Zweback Biscuit. Let me ask you, Marie, what of everything you've heard described in the past few minutes, what is the most fringe-ind inducing thing that you've heard? The rabbits do. Really? Yeah. Not the, not the wandering troop of Renaissance Fair performers? No, I understand costumes and acting. That makes more sense to me. The rabbits do that does it for you. How come?

We have a lot of cute rabbits in our yard and I don't know. I mean, you know, dancers and food and stuff. I don't know. I just to me, that's just a step way too far. You suggested that people wouldn't be able to enjoy this party unless they were bought into and had familiarity with Lord of the Rings. Is that a genuine concern? Yeah. I mean, I think that's a big part of it. Because if I'm invited to an Elven or what is it?

Bilbo Baggins birthday bash. I'll be like, why? What is this? Like, why? Which has been the response from many of your friends. Yes. Has is there anyone in your friend group who would get this idea aside from you, Andrew and me, apparently? In my friend group or his?

Well, in the friend group that you share. We don't really share friends. Oh. That's again how this works, you know what I mean? That's right. No, absolutely. Andrew, is it true that you have distinctly separate friend groups? Well, we were both fully self-employed for a long time, so there was no like co-workers. And then...

Let me restate this question. Do you have any friends, Andrew? Andrew, this is an intervention. I guess what I'm asking, Andrew, is, is there anyone besides you and me who would enjoy this Bilbo Baggins birthday bash at Proto Baggins. Who are they? First names only. I feel like our neighbors have already expressed excitement and interest in

the Bilbo Baggins birthday bash. I have friends that I've said, oh, you know, like John and Kevin and Ken are some. Those are three names. These are three first names of people that I've said, this is a thing that I would like to do and you would be invited to. And they're like, oh yeah, that sounds great.

And they understood, they're like, oh, cause it's his birthday is September 22nd. And they're like, oh yeah, that sounds great. And they understood, they're like, oh, cause it's his birthday is September 22nd. And they're like, yeah, I know. And so. So how many guys are we talking about now? Ballpark. How many exclusively guys are we talking about? Oh, probably like half a dozen.

Take their shoes off and come to your party. Six guys? Yeah, well, six guys that were like really, yeah, really into it. They knew all the things and they're ready. Marie, do you think that the elements of the party that Andrew described are not elements that are enjoyable to all? Hand pies and stew and banjos and so on and so forth?

Because they all sound pretty, except for the banjos and so on and so forth. Cause they all sound pretty, except for the banjos, they all sound pretty good to me. Yeah, I mean, food and drink, right? Every party has food and drink. It doesn't matter what the theme is. You can all enjoy food and drink. Except for rabbits too. Sounds like good food and drink too.

I'm not going to lie. Like the specificity that Andrew brought to this plus his pizza experience leads me to believe that this might be tasty. I know he is a very good cook too. And he does do like homemade pasta and stuff. But, um, that's beside the point. I think it's just like, think about it. You're an art nerd.

You're not a nerd nerd. You get an invite to Bill Bobagin's birthday party. Do you have any idea what that is? Do you want to go to it? I've seen Lord of the Rings just as you have, because it's one of the most popular film series of the time. So I remember the part where they had a party. But honestly, if you just told me

you're gonna go to a party, there's gonna be hand pies, I'd be like, great, what's the address? What time should I be there? But that's not what would be on the invitation. This whole thing is not about hand pies. Would you be willing to put hand pies on the invitation? I would put hand pies on the invitation. I would stipulate hand pies are on the invitation, yes.

I would eat anything Andrew cooked over in a cauldron. I'm going to be honest with you. He came home with that last weekend, and I'm like, you literally got a cauldron? Yeah, that sounds awesome to me. And then I spent all weekend seasoning it. Yes, he did. Of course he did. Of course he did.

And once again, he had a project and he completed it. If you want to make the project completion a strong argument in your favor, should we talk about projects that haven't been completed? Go on. Yes. So I'm very lucky that Andrew is handy and he's a carpenter and he does beautiful work. He renovated the house before we moved into it. And when things shut down for COVID, he used that time to build us a new back deck, which was great.

What has never gotten taken care of is, you know that area that people put like the crisscross stuff, lattice across the bottom of the deck? That's just been open since 2020. We had a two and four year old at that time, there are rusty nails, there were nails, wood, other things. Now our kids are seven and nine. Okay, luckily they're alive. But what I tried, what I did communicate very clearly,

I said, after letting my frustration dissipate, I said, Andrew, even when he brought me this project for the patio, I said, I am all when he brought me this project for the patio, I said, I am all for it. If you want to do this, it looks a little much, looks a little much to have Oakhenge in our backyard, but whatever. However, my only requirement is you finish, I had, I think, three things on the list to finish before he did that.

One of them. One of them lattice. But you will admit, Andrew, that that latticeattice work has not yet been installed. It has not been installed, and the reason that I have given multiple times... We're talking years, though, people.

Years. Yeah, that seems like an afternoon at best. What's the problem with the Lattice? I don't like Lattice, generally speaking. Just gonna put that on. You thought I was the snot. Everyone can use the available differences, is what we call that. I don't like lattice, generally speaking. Just gonna put that on. You thought I was the snob. Okay, we're gonna use all the differences,

is what we call that. Now the emails will roll in. I am anti-lattice. But I was gonna put some other kind of privacy kind of screen there, but I wanted to do it when I had the material on hand to do it. And sometimes the material that I used to do projects.

Just haven't found it on Facebook Marketplace yet? Well, or it might be, so the kitchen that I just did on the patio, that little pizza cooking area. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all admire it. That's all stuff that was left over from other projects, or it was like I took out this lumber from some project and now I'm able to use it and repurpose it in order to. You haven't found lattice to your liking laying around.

That's right. How would you feel if I were to say, throw your hobbit party, but Marie and her friends aren't gonna be there? How would you feel looking around and not seeing your wife? That would be sad. Well, because part of it is- Like you love your wife or something?

I do love her. We don't really know each other. He's still getting to know me. I mean, part of it is though, too, that I think one of the other reasons why I'm trying to make this happen, this upon this rereading of Lord of the Rings one of the other reasons why I'm trying to make this happen, this upon this rereading of Lord of the Rings versus all the other ones is not just that we have a space to do it, but also just because like I turned 40 this year and so it's like all these things that I'm like, oh, if I want to express this part of myself or if I want

like there are parts of me that I feel like haven't been expressed, then I just gotta do it. You gotta make it happen or I'm dead. Obviously you're not as into Lord of the Rings, but what do you like about this guy? Oh, he's so cute. I appreciate his thoughtfulness. Yeah. He's really looking at me.

I appreciate that he's like, he can do a little bit of everything and he can do it really well. You know what I mean? Because he appreciates opera. A jack of all trades. Yeah. He can do the nerdy Lord of the Rings. He also appreciates opera and, you know, who goes to shows with me. Like, he... Yeah, he can... He's really good at figuring things out.

? And when he says that he wants to express a part of himself that he hasn't been able to express before through this Lord of the Rings party, how does that make you feel? Well, that was the first I ever heard of that. Hmm. It does seem that Andrew keeps a lot in his mind.

He does. Tell me more about that. That's just what he does. He processes, it takes a long time to process things in his head and he usually doesn't say them until he has it all figured out. Andrew, do you feel that you could communicate a little bit more openly about what's going on in your inner life? Yes, I kind of led you to that one.

I feel like you're helping him out, but yeah. Yeah, but I wanted to make sure that what I'm expressing is the fully thought out idea that it's I'm able to answer any questions that might come up about it or just be able to defend my position as it were, um, in order to be able to clearly state that idea. So, and because you're saying that you need to be able to mount a defense before you even say word one about it because you anticipate that maybe Marie is not going to like your plan. Or just to be able to sell it.

Could you imagine collaborating on a plan with Marie rather than devising something you have to defend? Yes. And that's one of the things that we did talk about was that, well, maybe instead of it being just Bilbo Baggins, it is falling on the equinox, and we are at this thing that we call Oakhenge, so it's kind of like a- And my friends all know the equinox.

They're all into astrology and everything. Kind of nonsense and stuff. Though we could do something there. So, Mauread, is that a potential compromise that it not just be a Bilbo Baggins birthday bash, but it's a Bilbo Baggins birthday bash slash Wiccan Equinox? Yes.

And your dancer friends will be into it? Uh huh. Andrew, you want this to go, you want me to rule that you do this every year, not just to give it a try? I would, well, maybe we give it a try, but I wouldn't want to do it every year without her consent, but I would like to do a very, like a big annual get together. And the fact that Frodo celebrated Bilbo's birthday as, as a Bilbo Baggins birthday party every year after Bilbo left the Shire,

it's like, oh yeah, we can keep doing that and remembering Bilbo. My concern here, Marie, is that if I rule in his favor, right? Like normally I would just like, why don't you just try it one time and get it out of his system? But this guy makes plans, he buys flagstones and he puts them in. Like he will do it every year, won't he? He will. Marie, it says here that your ideal ruling is to never have a Lord of the

Rings theme party. Not even once. Why not let him try it out once and be there to support him for one, one cringey evening? I can do that. Let their record reflect that she's cringing. Would you invite your friends if I were to order this to be just a straight up Bill Bill Baggins birthday bash? Would you invite your friends, Marie? Yeah. I mean, listen, I'm not going to argue with your ruling.

Would you feel more comfortable if Andrew could simply say, this is a party for me and I'd love my friends to come? Yes. Andrew, how do you feel about that? I don't like to be the center of attention. Really? Are you telling me that if you have a Bilbo Baggins birthday bash, you're not going to get up and give a Bilbo Baggins-style speech

about your eleventy-first birthday and say a bunch of stuff about all your friends and then put on a magic ring and disappear? He isn't as theatrical, it's true. Like, I understand a costume thing more. You have to acknowledge that you knew what you were getting into when you were marrying this cornball. You knew he was going to be an emotional cornball. It's true. And he was a youth pastor and he only wore flip-flops.

Yeah. He probably, when you have these conversations about what kind of parties you're gonna have, he probably turns the chair backwards. Uh... Uh... Well, I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to, uh, go into my hobbit hole and shut the door tightly. No entrance except on party business. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Marie, how are you feeling about your chances right now? You know, I've heard enough episodes that I trust that it will be a fair verdict at first. I mean, for that first little bit, I wasn't sure, though, to be honest, because I felt like, you know, it's me against three nondescript white guys who really like Lord of the Rings. How am I gonna?

First of all, I'm very descript. You know what I'm saying? So, but you know, I feel like I was heard. I feel like I was heard. And I don't know if I'm gonna win, but I will, I feel like it'll be a fair verdict. Andrew, how do you feel? I'm a little bit nervous because I really want to have this party every year. I knew I was putting a lot on Marie by asking her to do this party, so that's why I said, okay, I will leave it in the hands of the court and I absolutely will, but I still really want to have the party.

Well, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment. -♪ BANGING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS AND STOPS WALKING ON DOORS tickets to our upcoming shows. Now we're doing some shows at the City Winery. We're doing one tonight in New York City. You probably missed your chance there. Pittsburgh City Winery sold out. So I guess that leaves Philadelphia on the 13th as your last opportunity to get the Judge John Hodgman Road Court branded bottle of wine, a City Winery exclusive, you can only get it at City Winery shows.

Why don't you check us out there? We're also in Washington, D.C. this coming weekend. And then we move along to Madison, Wisconsin, St. Paul, Minnesota, Burlington, Vermont, Portland, Maine, Turner's Falls, Massachusetts, Brooklyn, Massachusetts. Almost sold out both of those shows, by the way. And then in January, we go to Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Los Angeles, and San Francisco.

Boy, oh boy, do we have fun on the road. And the thing about these shows, and I don't mind saying it again, is that they're real shows. We don't just sit at a table and do a podcast. We stand up, we sing, we tell jokes. And of course, every show is different because we have live litigants on stage from those cities hashing it out. There are all kinds of things that we do at the show that you do not hear when we replay the live shows on the podcast.

And so I strongly encourage you joining us. It's a lot of fun. And it's a great time to bring someone who's never heard the show before because everyone has a good time in a live Judge John Hodgman show. Check it out at MaximumFun.org slash events. And what else do we need for these shows to happen, Jesse? We need your cases. Go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO and submit your disputes. I don't care if they seem like a good idea to you. Honestly, Jennifer and John can decide whether they're useful to us for our show. And we would love to hear them no matter what they are.

So go to maximumfund.org slash JJ HO. And if you live in one of those places or near one of those places where we have a live show upcoming, let us know when you submit your case because we might wanna bring you on stage and adjudicate your dispute there. We'll obviously get you backstage,

we share our crudites, we're thrilled to meet you and do the show with you. It's a really good time. And I think people leave having done it, having had a real blast. So we'd be thrilled to have your participation. Go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO, submit a case, and do let us know if you're in one of those places we're headed to.

Yeah, and if you're shy, I'll just say it again. You don't want to get up on stage? Of course not. Just go to maxmanfun.org slash events, find a show near you, buy a ticket, go and have a good time. It's always better when you're there. Let's get back to the case. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom

and presents his verdict. I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path where the fear has gone. There will be nothing.

Only I will remain." That, of course, is the Litany Against Fear from Frank Herbert's Dune, which did not get enough play for my money in either Dune, Part 1 or Part 2, because I think it's one of the most profound things I've read in any genre from when starting when I was a kid. I tried to read both of these long books, Dune and The Lord of the Rings, probably when

I was 12, too young for both of them. Although there were certainly oddball friends of mine who had devoured both of them because they were smarter than me. I felt that I had to read them because I'm pretentious. I was then, I am now. Took me many years and well until I was into my 20s, early 30 felt that I had to read them because I'm pretentious. I was then, I am now. It took me many years and well until I was into my 20s, early 30s that I was actually able to engage with them. But the litany against fear was very, very meaningful to me as a person who struggles with anxiety because I'm going to tell you now, Andrew, the litany against fear will not uh, uh, Andrew, uh, the litany against fear will not.

Heal your children's cuts and bruises. That's not what it's for. What it's for is what we call in dialectical behavioral therapy, distress tolerance, it is a meditative practice to separate yourself from the emotion of fear, which is a natural emotion. But all, all emotions are, as my friend David Reese likes to say, they're information. They do not control you. Your body and your mind is sending you information, and when you are feeling fear or distress, you may use the litany against fear to remind yourself that you do not have to serve that emotion, but you can let that emotion pass through you.

And when you turn your head, you will see the emotion going behind you. And only you will remain that you are that you're feeling that of these emotions are not fatal. They are a passing moment. And it's something that I think is really, really valuable in life and in marriages. Because sometimes your spouse really embarrasses you. marriages, because sometimes your spouse really embarrasses you. Sometimes the person you love a lot as a, as a hobby or a preoccupation that um, is a little bit cringey to you.

And when you are feeling that part of the deal of being a life partner is, um, letting that feeling pass through you. And remembering that when it is gone, both you and your loving spouse as a whole, you being in his own right, will remain. Even if he's dressed momentarily as a hobbit. Marie, you said something that, while you frankly accused me of being crooked,

by suggesting that I had made up my mind before I came into this case, that I was bought and paid for by Big Tolkien, that you asked like, you posed the question, if you were invited to to this party, would you go to it? And you're like, I know that you and Jesse would go to it because you're both nondescript or whatever horrible thing you said. I'm here to answer you, madam, that I would not. I would not go to this party, not enthusiastically at least. Look, I'm a big old nerd.

When I was in a woodwind quintet at the New England Conservatory of Music in high school, extension program, sometimes, you know, the oboist in our group, Genev, was volunteering at the big science fiction fantasy conference at the Sheraton. She said, you want to wander over there with me? I'm like, yeah, I like this stuff. I'm a Whovian. I like star tracks. I like everything. Let's go over there. And so I was the clarinetist.

She was the oboist. Uh, we went over and I was like, okay, this is cool. Are people dressed up as Klingons and so forth? We were in the lobby of this, of this thing and I, and I was feeling it. And then we got to a part of the lobby where you could look down into the lower level of the lobby to the true convention floor. And what I saw down there was an abyss of nerdery that I could not handle. Like I thought I was in the thick of it as I was watching people standing in a

hotel lobby, laughing their butts off to postcards literally put on bulletin boards like proto internet memes. People were literally looking at physical bulletin boards and they weren't wearing any shoes. I thought, oh, this is about as much as I can handle. And I, when I looked down into that swarming cauldron, if you will, of lower level nerdery, I was afraid that I would become that abyss. And I backed off.

This party sounds cringe. Really delightful, heartfelt, wonderful, and very beautifully cringy. It would be hard. I mean, like there's part of me that wants to be like, yeah, you're wonderful and very beautifully cringy. It would be hard. I mean, like there's part of me that wants to be like, yeah, you're gonna have that party and Jesse and I are gonna show up. I'm not sure that I would easily do that. Be very cringy.

I bet you could throw a really good party, but I got to admit, I feel a little funny going to the Ren fair a little bit. Seeing all these people dressed up with their turkey legs and so forth. I, you know, and I'm not bragging about this. I'm not sure why I feel this distress around this element of nerd culture. I'm not proud of it.

In some ways, I feel like I wish I were a little bit looser and more easy going and less likely to be embarrassed by people showing off their whole Middle-Earthian heart. But I want you to know that when I come make my verdict, I am coming to this from a place of I'm not sure I would necessarily go to that party, unless I were married to him. Married people have to go to parties with each other all the time that they don't want to be a part of. Now, Andrew, you made a mistake from the beginning, which was not letting Marie know what this meant to you. And maybe that's because it takes some time for you to know what it means to you. Knowing what things mean and understanding why you're, what it is you want and why you want it is hard work and introspective work.

So I'm not blaming you for not mentioning to her that this was like, now that you're 40 something you want to reconnect with here on the podcast. Like I don't think that that was a strategic maneuver as we accused you to drop that emotion bomb here, but rather something you kind of discovered in the moment as you were saying. And I hope that you take from Marie the lesson that she doesn't like having whole projects announced to her after you've, you know, worked them through in your head a million different ways. So where does this leave us? You present me with a problem here, Andrew, which is that I want to make your dreams come true. And yet, you have also said that you don't like to be the center of attention.

This is a weird place to throw a Bilbo Baggins birthday bash from. A birthday party is a birthday party. And whether it's your birthday party or Bilbo Baggins' birthday party, it's about someone. Bilbo Baggins wasn't afraid to make it all about himself. I don't think that there is a way to have a true Bilbo Baggins birthday bash without centering it on someone. And that person, if you're going to do it, has to be you.

It has to be you. It's a themed party. And part of the theme is, I'm a selfish weirdo who's celebrating myself. I mean, that is what Bilbo Baggins is doing at the beginning of the book. Yes. And so I don't think that I could allow you

to have a BBBB, Bill Bill Gaggans birthday bash, without that centerpiece of selfishness or self regard or self expression, shall we say. I love that you plan far in advance, but I think that this is definitely a party that you have to try out once and see how it feels Because I'm not going to invite you to force Your wife was all even being all right and her friends and other people who don't get it To go through this the strangeness and the distress of a Bilbo Baggins theme birthday party unless you are implicated as well

Which is to say this, you have to first of all write an invitation in that handwriting which explains to people, own up, don't hide it, don't say you know the harvest party is a obit party now. See ya. Like you gotta write it out. You're gonna do this. Like you had a birthday party in April but this is a party for you. You deserve to have it out. You're going to do this. Like you had a birthday party in April, but this is a party for you. You deserve to have a party for you. It's okay to have a party for you. And I bet you that everyone will have a great time.

If they don't understand the context of the differences between the fallahides and the stores and the hardfoot hobbits, they'll definitely understand this is something that Andrew loves and we're going to have a good time with it. And I think that when you give that speech, that built that that centerpiece is the party that was the centerpiece of Bilbo's party and will be of yours. You're going to have to sit down and figure out a way to express that. And it's going to be challenging. You're going to be afraid. but fear is the mind killer.

Let that pass through you. And where the fear has gone only you will remain standing on top of a table with wigs on your feet talking about how much you care about everybody who has shown up. Now look, this is, you know, Andrew is putting himself at profound emotional risk here, Marie, which I think you can appreciate. If I were you, I mean, I can't force anyone to do anything, but you know, a bunch

of dancers, right? So they should play the elves. I mean, uh, get the, let them do a little research on some elf stuff. You know what I'm saying? Because what would be better than to have a delegation of visiting elves to this hobbit party? And what better to be elves than dancers? They're elves themselves.

They're magical, willowy, remote, condescending creatures. That's what an elf is. And I'll make it even worse. KATE LAUGHS You could be Galadriel. I don't know what that is. You don't have to go all that way. But you understand how if we just make this a party

about Andrew, who deserves a party. Just as you deserve a party too, by the way, Marie, a party of your own liking, to your own theming, which might just simply be, Marie, a party of your own liking, to your own theming, which might just simply be, you know, party. But I have a feeling that if you understand and your friends understand and his friends understand and your kids understand that this is an expression of inner Andrew and a celebration of him, the way a birthday party is a celebration of the birthday person, right?

That everything else will fall into place and be less strange and incomprehensible and a lot of fun. And, yeah, September 22nd will be on our way to Ann Arbor, so I can't come to the party, sorry. That worked out for you, didn't it? But I'm actually tempted now that I've... now that I've talked Andrew into it. And by the way, this is a one-time thing.

You know, this is a one-time thing and I want you to pour yourself into it, Andrew, including understanding yourself and revealing yourself and just see how it feels. And if it's uncomfortable at any point for either of you, litany against fear. I don't mind crossing the nerd streams. Dune Lord of the Rings, they go together. And one more thing, Andrew, before I hit this gavel. Go to the hardware store and just buy some lattice and put some lattice under there.

Finally, hey, that thing's never going to happen. You have to. This is part of the deal. You got to put the lattice in. This is the sound of a gavel. Gandalf, my old friend. This will be a night to remember. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Andrew, how are you feeling now? Are you ready to express your full self? Yeah, I'm ready. Marie, how do you feel? I'm glad that after 17 years submitting this idea to a podcast with maybe not so real judge is going to help to encourage him to express his full self. Andrew Marie, thank you so much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you. Thank you. Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books. We'll have swift justice in just a second. First, our thanks to Redditor underscore underscore magpie underscore underscore for naming this week's episode, Mordor in the Court. If you want to suggest titles for future episodes

of Judge John Hodgman, hit us up on the Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com. John, I was on r slash relationship memes yesterday. Yeah. Which I love. I'm adding it to my list of faves. Love it when it's wholesome, love it when it's horny. Woo.

But there was a meme on there that told the story of a young man who was a programmer. And for his girlfriend's birthday, he made her a box that when she pressed a single red button would flash the lights in their bedroom so that he would know that she needed him to pay attention to her. God.

Wow. I just pictured Andrew inside the garden of his mind. Completing a circuit and sending a light out into the universe. I just love it. We do share the occasional dank meme, by the way, on our social media. You can follow us there on maximumfund.reddit.com. You can also join us on Instagram at instagram.com slash JudgeJohnHodgman.

We're also on TikTok and YouTube at JudgeJohnHodgmanPod. You can watch full episodes of JudgeJohnHodgman on YouTube these days. And John, this week, you can enjoy the neon gavel that's over my shoulder in my shot. Yeah, that is a gorgeous neon gavel. Who made that, Jesse? That was sent to us, I guess, years ago now

by Danielle James, who is on Instagram at D underscore J underscore neon. And we've just had it in the office forever. And Daniel Spear, our video producer and I, went searching around the office for stuff that could decorate the set. And we were like, oh, we finally have the perfect use for that awesome neon gavel.

So thank you, Danielle, you rule. Thank you very much. Yeah, I mean, the bailiff's chambers have really been spiffied up since the last time we recorded. And there's a gorgeous neon gavel behind you. Everyone should go over to Judge John Hodgman pod on YouTube. Make sure that you subscribe, hit notifications, the share, everything there, but also just enjoy

the many, many facial expressions of the Judge John Hodgman podcast that you maybe has never seen before, and you get to see my copy of Board of the Rings. Hey, here's another thing. I want to say thank you to E-Curtain17 for leaving a review on Apple Podcasts. E-Curtain17 says, One of my must-listen, that's us, even though the judge once ruled against me in the pages of the New York Times magazine. I don't ever miss listening to an episode. The show is informative. It's comedy, drama, therapy, disgusting recipe source. Unlikely Tom Waits cover band. It is everything you need in your ears five stars. Thank you so much. If you, you, the person I'm speaking to now, listener,

if you enjoy the show, why don't you write a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your podcasts. You can start by rating our show on Pocket Cast now and or why not share one of our YouTube episodes with a friend and save and share our Instagram posts. Hitting all those hearts and thumbs ups and likes and shares, especially on all of our platforms, it really does help people discover the show, and we're very, very grateful. And if you hate computers, good for you, reasonable. It's still a great day to tell a friend or family member

about the show via your very own mouth, or even better, bring them to one of our live shows. Check out the schedule at maximumfun.org slash events. Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorn and John Hodgman. This episode engineered by Jason Mundock at So Good Media in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Our social media manager is Natty Lopez.

The podcast is edited by AJ McKeon. Our video editor and set decorator, been doing a lot of set decorating, is Daniel Spear. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Now, Swift Justice, where we answer your small disputes with a quick judgment. This one is from a person who named this week's case, underscore, underscore, magpie, underscore, underscore. Welcome back. On the Maximum Fund subreddit. Okay, here it is. My friend and I live near each other, but in different time zones. When we make plans to meet

up, she asks whose time zone we're meeting in. I think we should plan around our destination's time zone instead of our time zones. What do you think? Well, if you're watching on the YouTube, you can see a facial expression, which is me trying to puzzle out what is apparently a math word problem. Yeah. My friend is a train going 40 miles an hour. As a as a as an East Coast person who does a lot of dealings with people on the West Coast, boy, oh boy, do I wish people recognize the East the Eastern time zone exists when

scheduling not not talking about you, Jesse, you're wonderful. Obviously maximum fun is is bi coastal in, in heart and in practice. But all these people out there in the West Coast are like, yeah, you want to have a meeting at 6 PM Pacific time. I'm like, no, I don't. That's what I'm resting quietly watching. Letter Kenny, thank you very much. What were we talking about?

Time zones? Oh yeah. Time zones. I think you just plan around. I think you're right Magpie, plan around the destinations time zone. That'll be the default time zone that you use. Like I'll meet you at six o'clock Chuck E. Cheese time? That's exactly right. You know what? Why don't you just default to the forgotten time zone, Atlantic time zone. Oh, I wait. Hey, let's default to swatch internet time. The 100 parts of the day that the Swiss watch company divided the day into in like 1997. I think that the polite

thing to do is to say let's meet at x time my time x plus two one or plus one time your time or whatever it is Just be very very clear about it. That's all speaking of time zones as you listen to this episode We are already crossing zones on our judge John O'Donnell road court tour this weekend We are going to be in Washington DC and you can get your tickets now at bit.ly slash DC JJ ho or just go to maximumfund.org slash events for all of our upcoming shows DC Saturday night and soon we'll be zooming into central time hitting up Ann Arbor, St. Paul, Madison, Wisconsin.

Get your tickets for all these shows at maximumfund.org slash events and make sure to send us your disputes. We'll consider any sort of case for our live shows. So if you're going to be at a show or you would like to be at a show, even a sold out show, and you've got a dispute, for us to consider, send your disputes to maximumfund.org slash JJ HO and tell us where you are.

Yeah, so like, let's say you're in Pittsburgh where our show is already sold out and you have a dispute with, I guess, probably the late Fred Rogers. I don't know why you would. Maybe Andrew McCutchen, Pirates Outfielder. Anyway, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO, submit your dispute, and just let us know

that you're in Pittsburgh, because we will get you in if we want to use your dispute on the program. That's maximumfund.org slash JJHO. No matter where you are, we need your beaves. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.