Judge John Hodgman - My Legal Pony (RERUN)

Episode Date: May 25, 2022

This week we are revisiting an episode deep in the archives, fan favorite MY LEGAL PONY! Nancy brings the case against her friend Becky. They are both veterinarians. Nancy lives out in the country, and owns a herd of Shetland ponies. She says the ponies act as ponies do, and are perfectly fine just as they are. Becky says Nancy’s ponies are ill-mannered. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Make sure to stay tuned after the verdict for some updates on these ponies and their behavior. Click HERE to check out the evidence from this episode. Thanks to Alex Maeder for naming this week’s case! 

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, we are revisiting one of our all-time classic episodes, My Legal Pony. And by classic, we don't mean that it's in black and white or that it's something that you need to research for a classic podcast class in college. We just mean it's one of the greatest episodes of all time. It was recorded back in 2014. It's a dispute between Becky and Nancy. Becky said her friend Nancy's Shetland ponies were ill-mannered, but Nancy disagreed and said they were perfect just as they are. If you haven't heard this one, you must listen. And if you have heard it, you know you're going to enjoy it. Yeah, not only that, we are going to have some updates on what happened after the case. So keep it locked and let's get into it. Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week,

my legal pony. Nancy brings the case against her good friend Becky. Nancy keeps a herd of Shetland ponies as pets and thinks they're perfect just as they are. Becky calls the ponies ill-mannered. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Tête du cheval, are you ready to order? I am, but I have one question about something on the menu. What is spicy pony head?

This is a pony head, but spicy. Imagine a pony without the body. I know what a pony is. I just... Spicy. It makes your mouth on fire. I know what spicy is, too. It's just that when I see a pack animal on the menu of a restaurant... It's a lot of food, huh? We also have a demi pony head. This is one half pony head.

No, I don't want a demi pony head. I don't want any pony head. I try not to eat things that I would ride at the fair. Oh, so you would not eat a monkey. I wouldn't ride a monkey. Okay. Touche. Look, you know what? Just bring me a flank steak, medium rare, side salad, blue cheese. Spicy pony head flank steak, salad, blue cheese. Wait, what did you just say? Cheese. No, before that. Blue.

No, you said spicy pony head. Are all of your steaks spicy pony head, mate? It's not all of the steaks. It depends on what the fisherman brings. Oh, it's a seafood. Like a pony fish or a seahorse. Ah, pony is not a seahorse. A pony is big, beautiful baby with long, silky tail. Chop off

the head. Spice. Pony. As you see in a field. Or in a cave. Making love to your wife. Okay. Look, I don't have a lot of time. Maybe I'll just swear a bit. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? Whatever. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? We do. Whatever. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he doesn't ride ponies and in fact rides only enormous double size horses? We do. We do. Very well, Judge Hodgman. Nancy and Becky may be seated. For an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors, can you name the piece of culture that Jesse and I performed as I entered the courtroom? Becky? It sounded like the Godfather meets the Pink Panther. Not correct.

You're not just supposed to create an analogy. You're not supposed to give it an elevator pitch. But you know what i like it i like it because you were talking you were thinking of the the clouseau french accent plus yes waking up with a horse head in your sheets like the god exactly right okay there you go that's what you're saying you're wrong nancy i don't know i I was going to say Pink Panther. Pink Panther? No, you guys. Casper Hauser. The Casper Hauser Comedy Group. Famous sketch. Spicy Ponyhead, as featured on the Casper Hauser Comedy Podcast. I guess you would say on hiatus now, Jesse? Yeah, long-term hiatus.

But archives still available at MaximumFun.org. Absolutely. And not only that, the reason we created the Casper Hauser comedy podcast in the first place many, many years ago was to promote the release of their first book, SkyMall, Happy Crap You Can Buy From a Plane. And that book has gone on to become a beloved cult classic which went out of print and commands triple digit prices on amazon however it is about to be re-released in a new edition with expanded materials well in any case spicy pony head is a sketch by the casper hauser comedy group that is traditionally and appropriately performed by its creators, Rob Bedecker and James Richmuth. And Jesse and I did our best version of it. And I truly, Jesse,

I don't think a day passes when I undertake some kind of writing project where I feel like, I wish I could just write Spicy Ponyhead. Yeah. You know, my mom talks about spicy pony head all the time. And I'm pretty good friends with the Casper Hauser guys. And she refuses to refer to them as anything else but the pony heads to such an extent that in my household, my own household with my wife and my own children, I find myself accidentally calling them the ponyheads. Like, oh, I talked to James Ponyhead the other day. If they were called the ponyheads, look, we already had a discussion, you guys, listeners to the podcast, over what this thing should be called. And one of the great suggestions that we got from Stephen LaPenta was horse majeure,

from Stephen LaPenta was horse majeure, which I loved because it's a double pun. It's both force majeure and horse manure all in one. And I hate puns, but I liked that one. But Alex Meader suggested My Legal Pony and Jesse and I had to sit there for a minute and realize My Legal Pony is probably a little bit more accessible. Just like the Ponyheads probably would have had five years of a Comedy Central TV show, whereas Casper Hauser remain the most brilliant non-televised sketch comedy group of all time. Casper Hauser's big compromise was when they decided to wear normal clothes when they were performing after their first two years at, at the Edinburgh fringe where they wore like weird Arlecchino outfits.

I know they, they made me wear one of those once and it was the greatest. This has been the Casper Hauser portion of the podcast. Now it's the, what are your names again? Becky and Nancy. Pay no attention to us. We're just sitting here waiting.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I have not been giving close enough attention to your very serious case about whether Shetland ponies may be described as ill-mannered or not. The case

is brought by Nancy. Nancy, you have a herd of Shetland ponies. I guess a herd of Shetland pony would not work. You need more than one. And your longtime best friend, Becky, calls them ill-mannered. Explain to me what your prob is. Well, my problem is that she called my Shetland ponies ill-mannered, and I think they're very well-mannered, or at least appropriately mannered for what they need to do.

What do they need to do? Are you raising them to go down into coal mines like pit ponies? No, they don't need to do anything. That's what Shetland ponies were bred for, you know. Yes. Go down into mines. No, mine don't work. So what are they bred to do?

Just sit around and look cute? Yes. And let me ask you this. Are they cute or what? They are cute or what? Well, how many of them, how many of them you have? Well, right now I have 11. Holy moly. All in one house? Yes. I had 14 last year, so I'm down a couple. They don't live in your house with you, do they? No, but they graze on my lawn. Where do you live? Out in the country in Pennsylvania.

And so if I go out in the country in Pennsylvania and say, anyone tell me where the weird pony lady is, would they all know? Yes. Yes. Okay. You have 11. Do you live in the country or do you live in a suburb that you are trying to convince yourself is the country by putting a bunch of ponies on it, much to the annoyance of your neighbors? No, it's very rural. We have no zoning and, you know, it's rural. You're in no zone Pennsylvania.

Poniesville. Yes. All right. 11. And do they all have names? Yes. Let's go. Ian Charles, Fredo, Godiva, Dewdrop, Maddie, Sprite, Connie, Berger, Niles, Frazier, Russell, Russell Stover. Russell Stover, like the candy company?

Yes. Have you been hired by Russell Stover to buzz market candies on my podcast? Oh, shoot. I can't believe I did that. You already snuck in a buzz marketing for Kelsey Grammer. Yeah, and one for The Godfather 2. Yes. I go in themes when I name them.

So themes have been candies, sitcoms, 70s crime dramas. What are the other themes? I did Survivor one year. And, oh, I'm buzz marketing. I'm sorry. Oh, that's okay. I'll allow it. What else did I do?

I'll allow it to tease out your pony naming schemes. Oh, what else? Oh, hair. Hair. Well, burgers from hair. Oh, I was wondering where that one came from. I thought, I thought that meant that he was the one you had marked to eat later. Yeah. I thought he was just headed to France. It's burger with an E.

Uh-huh. Uh, what else? I can't remember what, oh, Boston. Oh, here I go. Boston legal. I had Shirley Schmidt and Alan Shore. Boston legal. Boston legal. I had Shirley Schmidt and Alan Shore. Boston legal. Boston legal. Now I've not seen that show, but I, I understand it was a lot of fun. No,

I just, it's not that there's anything wrong with Boston legal. It's just so specific. It's funny how your, how your, your unbridled laughter might suggest that you do think there's something funny. No, it's just so specific. I mean, it's just it's funny how it's funny how your how your your unbridled laughter might suggest that you do think there's something funny no it's just so specific i mean it's it's fraser is uh one of the great sitcoms of its time i think arguably boston legal is a show that a lot of

people enjoyed but it's kind of a while ago and really specific and also not, you know, it's not A-level. It's like one down. Well, how long ago were your Boston Legal Ponies named? It was after your Chicago Hope Ponies passed on. Three or four years ago. I'm behind. I don't, you know, I watch DVDs like later. I don't, you know, I watch DVDs like later. I don't have television.

I thought you meant like, I thought you like you're behind in that, you know, you're watching Boston Legal whenever it was on seven or eight years ago. And you're like, I got to remember these names of some ponies I'm going to get in the future. Honestly. Nancy, Alan. Honestly, Judge Hodgman, I'm one to talk. I name all my ponies after characters from Ally McBeal. Dancing Baby, Jane Krakowski. And Lucy Liu. Yeah, there you go. And Peter McNichol.

And married to Harrison Ford for a while. If you had a Shetland pony named Peter McNichol, I would send you $100. Me? Yeah, how much does a Shetland pony cost? I give them away if they're good homes. Oh, they're like zucchini in the summer. You just get too many of them. You know what?

I'm going to just leave. Thanks so much for dinner. Tomorrow I'm just going to leave a basket of Shetland ponies on your porch. No, no, that's not necessary. No, I'm just going to do it. I got so many of them. Do you have any idea how true that is. Do you breed these ponies?

Yes. And here's the thing, Jessie, you could have had some Boston legal heyday ponies. Do you know what I mean? Because they live 30 years, don't they? How long do they live? 30 or 40. 30 or 40 years. I have one, yeah. What's the oldest one you have? He's late 30s. Late 30s?

Okay. Yeah. Well, we don't really know exactly how old, but he's getting toothless, so he's pretty old. What is his name? Ted Knight from the Ted Knight Show? Ian Charles. He's my stallion. Oh, Ian Charles. I thought those were two different ponies. Oh, no, he's my stallion. Oh, Ian Charles.

I thought those were two different ponies. Oh, no, that's one. Just because he's toothless doesn't mean he's in his late 30s. I'm only in my early 30s. Who is Ian Charles? What is Ian Charles a reference to? I'm missing something? No, he was named before I got him, and he's named after the son of someone that

the person I got him from knows. Someone had a son and a pony and named them the same thing? No, some... This is my son, Ian Charles, and this is our chitlin pony, also Ian Charles. The person who gave me the pony had named him after

the son of someone else she knows. Not less weird. How's your son, Ian Charles? My heart's good, dear. How's your son, Ian Charles? I hear he went to college, everything going well. Did I tell you I named my pony after your son? That's weird.

I'm glad you rescued that pony from that weird home and brought him into your own weird home. So he's your stallion, so he's the father of all of these ponies that you got? No, he's the father of some of them. You have 11 Shetland ponies on your property currently. the father of some of them. You have 11 Shetland ponies on your property currently. How many of them were born on your property of your herd and how many of them were purchased from a different stock? Currently, I have three that were born here. I have two that were born elsewhere, but when I still had the ponies and the rest of them, I got around the same time I got Ian Charles. And I didn't name them, all of them. Okay, I got you.

I understand. So it's not like you have a pony infestation on your property. No. And they're just breeding there. You're getting ponies the normal way. You buy one here. You adopt one there. You go grocery shopping. They got getting ponies the normal way. You buy one here, you adopt one there, you go grocery shopping, they got some ponies out front. You'll say, ah, what am I? I'll take two.

There's a special, it's on the end cap. End cap ponies. I've had these ponies, the main group since 2001. Which is your favorite one? Ian Charles. Ooh, that was a quick answer. Well, he's the best. Which pony is the worst? The worst? Yeah. Which is your worst pony? This is a trick

because this is playing into this ill-mannered thing. It's not a trick. This is a court of law, ma'am. There's got to be a worst pony. And despite what you may believe, these ponies don't understand english so you could play this podcast for them their feelings won't be hurt you are currently under fake internet oath and i'm asking you which pony is your worst pony i would say burger yeah because he's the youngest and so you agree? I don't like the sound of Berger at all. What is the difference between the best pony and the worst pony? Without talking about age, I appreciate that Berger may mature or season into a good pony.

But what makes him a bad pony and what makes Ian Charles a good pony? Well, Ian Charles is a good pony because he's very handsome, and I really feel like he loves me. And I know that sounds really dumb, but we've established a relationship, and I really feel like he loves me. Yeah, Shetland ponies are not dumb animals. No. They're not dogs. They're very smart. Hey, my dogs love me. I know. Dogs form

a love bond, I think, with their human companions, even though they're hilariously dopey some of the time. The humans or the dogs? Both. And Shetland ponies are, I'm led to understand from Wikipedia,

that they are smart animals. And indeed, they were not bred in order to go down mines, but they were used for many years in England and Scotland and in the United States in mines, in coal mines. And they would go down there because they're short animals. And they'd pull that coal around. And a pit pony, as they were called, might live for shorter than a regular pony because they're underground. But they might live their whole lives underground, 15 years. And they would only work with one miner because they formed a bond with that miner. And that miner would lead that pony around. And if the miner retired or had an accident or had to leave the mine,

usually the pony would not be usable by anyone else. And so they would retire it. And their retirement of the pit pony was not always a terrible thing either. Then they would go above ground and they would blink and they would go, what the hell? And after a couple of years, they'd die because they'd just freak out. Fun facts about ponies, you guys. Yeah. So I believe that Ian Charles loves you, just as I believe that Burger the Pony hates you. I don't think he hates me. What's Burger's prob?

And don't say that he's young. What is his behavior? What's the behavior that causes you to say on a national, I dare say international podcast, listened to by a lot of ponies, by the way, that he is worst pony of the herd. See, this is going to be self-incrimination because it's because he misbehaves. But your complaint, and I haven't even gotten to Nancy yet. To Becky. No, Becky, you're Nancy, excuse me. I haven't even gotten to Becky yet.

Becky, who claims Shetland ponies are ill-mannered, that's a blanket statement. You are defending your case by saying, Ian Charles is a good pony. Berger is the worst of herd. Here's why. What does he do? He's difficult to catch. He's difficult to get to lead. He's difficult to just handle. But he's getting better. So the more time I spend with him, the better he'll be.

And then he might not be the worst pony. Does he bite? No, not really. So he has bitten. Not really? He might have probably nipped. He might have probably nipped? Yeah. Me.

Yeah. You may not recall. Did he nip your amygdala? And therefore you're not sure? and therefore you're not sure no he probably just nipped at my coat or something at some point i'm sure he has at some point they all do when they're little does he gossip does he talk crap about other ponies behind their backs he bothers the other ponies because he's playful oh okay he's he's how does he bother the other ponies well he jumps he jumps on him and chases him and tries to get him to play. All right.

Let's take a quick recess from my legal pony to hear about this week's sponsor. When we return, more about these sweet little ponies. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen?

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No, Nancy. Yes. No, Becky. Bansy. I tend to be a little bad with names in the best of scenarios, but when both names end with E and both people, both of the women are veterinarians, I start to get confused. Because that's true. You're both trained veterinarians. Is that not so? Yeah, we have that effect on men. I don't know who's talking now. That's Becky.

All right. Becky? Yes. Are you a veterinarian? I am. Is Nancy a veterinarian? She is. All right. Becky? Yes. You come around to help Nancy with her herd of ponies, and you believe that Shetland ponies are ill-mannered? Is this accusation true? I don't believe all Shetland ponies are ill-mannered. Just Nancy's?

Yes. Not just Nancy's, but Nancy's are. I'm sure there are other Shetland ponies out there that are ill-mannered that I don't know about. Would you say that all 11 of Nancy's current horde of ponies are ill-mannered? No. How many of them are ill-mannered? Ten. With the exception being Ian Charles, the best pony? Of course. Yes, of course.

Ten ponies are ill-mannered, and how would you characterize an ill-mannered pony? Does it not take its baseball hat off in a dining room? Does it not write thank you notes? No, probably not. They haven't ever written one to me, but that wasn't what bothers me. What bothers me is any horse to me is ill-mannered if they don't respect your personal space. Okay. And what's the problem? Are these ponies coming over to your house and hanging around your office when you're trying to do work? They would if they could drive, I guarantee it.

They're like, hey, what are you doing? What are you working on? Tell me how they don't respect your personal space. Yeah. Tell me how they don't respect your personal space. And if Nancy's out there with them, and she has even said this to me on occasion, that sometimes when she's working around the whole crew, she's a bit uneasy because they surround her and sort of push her around and basically are in her space, which doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's like 10, 300-pound misbehaving children pushing you around. But Becky, Nancy, when you get 11 Shetland ponies together,

what do you expect is going to happen? I expect them to back off and not crowd me. So you're admitting that they're ill-mannered? That's Becky talking, yes. Oh, excuse me. Oh, I thought that was Nancy talking. Well, they're only really bad like that if I take treats out. So if I take carrots or peppermints, then yes, it gets a little hairy out there because they all want a treat. So I don't do that very often. Becky, do you have any experience raising Shetland ponies? experience raising Shetland ponies? I have never raised Shetland ponies. I have owned Shetland ponies, but I have not reproduced them. How many Shetland ponies have you ever owned at one time? How large did your horde of Shetland ponies get? One.

Okay. Do you hoard any other animals? Cockatiels? Snakes? I have 16 goats. 16 fainting goats. No, you don't. Is that considered hoarding? I do. Don't tell me you have 16 fainting goats. I do. Number one, that's not a real animal. No, it's real. It's real. Of course it's real. Are you calling Becky a liar, Jesse?

Fainting goats? Yeah. Do you know what a fainting... It's a stiff-legged's real. Are you calling Becky a liar, Jesse? Fainting goats. Yeah. Do you know what a fainting... It's a stiff-legged... What is it called, Becky? You can call it a stiff-legged or a myotonic goat. When they get excited or frightened, they stiffen up and fall over. They don't really faint. Haven't you used the internet in the past several years, Jesse? Truly, we live in a world of marvels. internet in the past several years, Jesse? Truly, we live in a world of marvels. If all of you who are listening to this podcast stop currently in your cars and look up Fainting Goats, you A, will know what I'm talking about, and B, will have wasted yours and the entire

world's time as you have blocked traffic. So don't do it. Wait till you get home. So Becky, you must be in the business of making YouTube videos. Is that why you have 16 fainting goats? No, I have 16 fainting goats for the same reason Nancy has ponies is because you breed them and then, you know, you get more. And then sometimes you can't find them homes. And then next year you breed them again and you get more. And then sometimes you can't find them homes. But why did you get these hilarious novelty goats that when you scream at them, they fall over? Well, I have always liked goats. And what I like about the feigning goats is they're very gentle. They come in all different sizes. They're very sweet goats, easy to handle. Easy to bully.

Easy to catch. Easy to bully. You like animals that fall. Maybe it's not that the animals are ill-tempered. Maybe you only like animals that fall down when you yell. Wouldn't it be great if you could make ponies fall down when you yell at them? Yeah, why aren't you? Yeah, Nancy, why aren't you breeding fainting ponies?

And then you make a fortune in YouTube videos. I like my ponies on the leg, standing up. I understand. So which is better, Becky? Goats or ponies? Ooh, that's hard. I'm, you know, I'm still a horse person. I still have to say ponies. All right. So you have experience with horses? Yes, I'm still a horse person. I still have to say ponies. All right. So you have experience with horses? Yes, I'm a horse veterinarian. Okay. So you have a lot of experience with horses. Yes, we both do.

At all of their various stages of life and death. Yes. And you've never raised ponies. You once had one until you realized they're all jerks. Well, no. I currently have. So you fed it to the goats. I have. So you fed it to the goats. I have.

I currently own Shirley Schmidt, who used to be of the Nancy herd, who is now a companion to my horse. Oh, okay. And when you adopted Shirley Schmidt from the Nancy herd, was she an incorrigible jerk? Was she ill-mannered? Yes. Have you trained her up right now?

No. Well, I have. Excuse me, Nancy. Becky, have you trained her up right? I have trained her, but the ill-mannered part is never going to go away. There's always that underlying rebel that causes trouble. Do you believe that this is an innate character trait of all Shetland ponies, believe that this is an innate character trait of all Shetland ponies? Or are you saying that Nancy is a terrible Shetland owner? I'm saying that in the horse world, the joke is that pony is a four-letter word. Please send me as quickly as possible a book of horse world jokes. So you're not blaming your friend Nancy for the terrible behavior of her ponies. It's just part of owning a pony. No, I'm not blaming Nancy, but I just want her to be more firm with them.

And it's because I don't care how her ponies behave, but I do care about her safety. Oh, come on. Excuse me, Nancy. care about her safety. Oh, come on. Excuse me, Nancy. Becky, you feel, describe the behavior of these monsters that make you fear for your friend's safety. Well, first off, she's often out there with the ponies by herself.

And you think, oh, little ponies, what can little ponies do? But if you have a bunch of them pushing you around, if she gets knocked down or hurt, there's nobody here that's going to realize that so so you think it's going to be one of those situations where just the neighbor down the hall notices a smell and they come and open up her apartment they just overrun with ponies there's just a skeleton or nance will be dragging herself across the field trying to get help do you and hopefully her rooster wouldn't get to her first, because that would be really ugly. How realistic do you feel it is, Nancy,

that a pony might knock you down, causing you to hurt yourself such that you would become immobile? Well, I think it's possible, but I think it would be an accident. No, I'm not suggesting that the ponies have malice in their hearts towards you i don't even think that nancy is suggesting excuse me becky is suggesting that i'm suggesting it is the premise for a new television show which is called all creatures great and small special victims unit all right and that's a podcast, everyone. Good night. Nancy, have you ever been in a situation where you felt menaced by all of these small ponies? Once, well, a couple of times over the years, but.

Describe the horror. Well, I don't, it wasn't a horror. Well, I remember one time specifically, they crowded around. I was trying to get like through a gate and they were all crowded around. And I think I might have gone to my knees briefly because of the crowding. And then there was a car driving by and I was kind of embarrassed because I didn't want someone to see and think that things were out of control. And I got up and I was okay. It's a little more dicey, like if I'm handling the babies, when I'm trying to train them for halt, get them halted and such, and the baby's going to get a little out of control. I got a little confused there for a moment. I thought you were also running a childcare service. And you were talking about handling the babies amidst your herd of ponies no would you feel safer would you feel safer around a herd of 11 small ponies or one pony-sized duck this is that old speaking of internet memes you guys are both internet memes come to life.

Really? Well, yeah, because Becky, you've got all the fainting goats, and Nancy, you've got the herd of duck-sized horses. You're familiar with that old saw, right? Which would you rather fight, a herd of duck-sized horses or a single horse-sized duck? What's the answer? Duck-sized horses. Is that one of the options? Yeah, that's what I said. A herd of them, though, not one. They're coming answer? Duck sized horses. Is that one of the options? Yeah, that's what I said. A herd of them though, not one. They're coming at you from every angle. Sure, I'll pick a herd because I know how horses react and behave. I don't know how ducks do it. Yeah, you have experience fighting off herds and duck sized horses already. It's happened a couple of times. No, you know, that's not really true. If you are afraid of the neighbors seeing you menaced by 11 ponies, does that not suggest that outside of your own little isolated world, once it is perceived by the outside world, you're afraid that the outside world might see there's something dangerous and wrong about what you're doing?

That was one time. I mean, most of the time, my neighbors see me out walking around, petting the ponies, brushing the ponies, and nothing's going on. I just think that Becky is painting a very wrong portrait of my ponies. And I think it's because Shirley is a little bit difficult. Tell me more about what Becky's motive would be for slandering your ponies. I think it's Shirley. Go on. Because Shirley misbehaves. She does stuff that some people might think are bad.

Like she ate part of her fence or something. Now, this was when she went to Becky's and I didn't have any problems with Shirley here and Becky picked Shirley out. So I think it's Becky's responsibility to manage the pony. Becky, is this true? Are you upset because you think that Nancy passed a bum pony off on you? No, no, I definitely picked Shirley out because I needed a pony that could stand up to my horse Are you upset because you think that Nancy passed a bum pony off on you? No. No, I definitely picked Shirley out because I needed a pony that could stand up to my horse and tolerate his behavior. So you've got a jerk horse, too. What's the name of your horse?

Sidney. Sidney from the TV show Love, Sidney starring Tony Randall? No. Oh. Well, that's what it should be. I don't name my animals after TV personalities. All right. Tony Randall

would be a great name for a horse. Who's my horse, Tony Randall? Just think about it. Or a pony. Think about it. If I had a bunch of horses,

all of them would be named after the Kentucky Derby horses from that one Mr. Show sketch. You know, like Batman the horse. I don't doubt it at all. Mr. Fast Horse. Nor is it impossible for me to picture you, Jesse Thorne, with three or four Shetland ponies on your property. Well, I would have miniature donkeys.

Donks. All right. Well, I would have miniature donkeys, donks. All right. Becky, do you think Nancy has an animal hoarding problem? No. Okay. Do you think she's a responsible owner of the ponies? Do you think she has too many?

Does she have more than she can handle? No. Okay. Your main concern is that she's being menaced by the ponies and they're plotting against her? My main concern is that she doesn't set good boundaries with the ponies. And like she was just saying about Shirley Smith was no problem here in her herd because her standards are different than mine. So she's okay if ponies bump into her and push her around and things like that. And I'm not. And so that's, that's the difference of opinion is just. Hypothetically, since you, since you both have experience with large animals,

if you were to take care of 11 Shetland ponies, let's say you inherited Nancy's herd of 11 Shetland ponies because those ponies mauled her to death or, or did something terrible to her or sent her out of the country. How would you raise them differently? How would you care for them differently than your best friend, Nancy? Well, I would have to say that maybe that's my concern about Nancy's safety is I don't want to inherit 11 Shetland ponies. But anyway, I tend to be more strict with my horses and they are not allowed to get close to me unless I let them get close to me. If you were to take over that herd of ponies, what would you do differently? Or if you had your own herd of ponies? I understand you say they are not allowed

to get close to me, but how do you have that happen? You just have to get after them a little bit. You sometimes have to smack them on the butt and say, back off, or chase them away from you when they're getting too close. They learn to respect you pretty quickly when they know that you're not going to let them crowd you. So a whack and verbal chastisement, that is the way to get a pony to respect you? I want to know, because I want to earn these ponies respect. Yes. All right. And you don't think that Nancy whacks her ponies enough? I don't know if Nancy has ever raised a hand to her ponies. Nancy, how do you respond to Becky's suggestion that you ought to hit your ponies more?

Well, that's kind of barbaric to hit a pony, I think. But, I mean, if you're trying to get past them, yeah, I might slap them on the rear end. And they may or may not move, but they don't kick me or anything if I go by. So I can weave my way in between ponies and I'm not worried about getting kicked. So, yeah, they don't really respect my personal space very much, but they don't generally do anything. Is it barbaric to whack a pony on the butt? No. No. I mean, I don't know what the standards of pony raising are because I live in Brooklyn, where the only animals we raise are chickens and spoiled children.

No, it's pretty standard if you're going past or, you know, if you're trying to or asking an animal like a horse to move, you might. I mean, it's not I wouldn't call it a whack. It's just kind of a slap. How many ponies is too many ponies? Well, I think 10 is fine. So you're already one over the limit. Well, yeah, but I was up to 14 last year, so that was just too many. And what became of the three?

You gave one to Becky. Yeah. One to Becky. One went to another friend. Right. And, oh, one went to a local person, person nearby. All of whom you had vengeance against. Yeah, no.

Let the record show that she said yes. You're training these ponies to be assassins. Admit the truth. No, they're very good ponies. And I train them using positive reinforcement. And it's just that I don't do enough of it. All right. You don't do enough positive reinforcement.

Well, I don't do it over and over. That means giving them rewards for the correct behavior. And ignoring the unwanted behavior. Yes. Right. How many, and this question is for Nancy, with regard to Becky's goats, how many fainting goats are too many fainting goats? I don't, I think she has enough. I think it's adequate.

I think we all agree she has enough. Do you think 16 might not be enough? Is it? Is it? Well, she has the room for more if she wanted more. And it's just a matter of not having, it takes a lot of time to take care of them. Why do you care, Nancy, what Becky thinks of your ponies? Why would you bring this to my court?

What does it matter if she thinks badly of your ponies? Well, I guess in part, if she thinks my ponies are ill-mannered, well, when she first said it, I was kind of taken aback because I think my ponies are wonderful. And I guess then I start to wonder, so she really means that? And what am I not not seeing because i think they're good ponies and then i guess the whole thing about shetland ponies in general being bad ponies and i get a little irritated not with becky per se but everybody's got a bad shetland pony story and it's just because they weren't handling them properly. So I get a little irritated about the general misconception about Shetlands. Is that true? Does everyone have a bad Shetland pony story? Or is this possibly a matter of you having an unusual sample?

People that have been around horses, especially older people, probably had a Shetland pony when they were little. So you're saying that Nancy claiming that your ponies are ill-tempered is a comment on your raising of those ponies? Well, I take it very personally because these ponies are kind of, they're like me. They're kind of my identity. So I take it personally, both on their behalf and also on my behalf as their owner. And she's saying this around town and ruining your reputation in the Shetland pony community. Well, I worry that that might be happening, although I don't, I'm not really part of a

community. No, as I would imagine, someone with 11 Shetland ponies probably does feel that way. be no no as i would imagine someone with 11 shetland ponies probably does feel that way it takes an enormous amount of self-awareness for a woman who owns 11 shetland ponies that she considers to be extensions of herself to acknowledge that she's not really part of a community i think we're i think we're i think we made a major step right then. You're doing some hard work, Nancy, right now, and I appreciate it. I think I do have a lot of self-awareness. I know you do. I'm just being silly.

I think we should change it from Judge John Hodgman to Dr. John Hodgman. I have a doctor in fake internet judging. An honorary doctorate from Raven's Crest University. Well, but still, Becky, this does amount to a kind of slander if you're going around town and posting mean comments about Nancy's ponies on the Shetland bulletin boards and whatever. This amounts to a critique of her as a person, does it not? I can honestly say that the subject of Nancy and her ponies has never come up in any of my day-to-day conversations with anybody. What would you advise me to do, Becky, if I were to find in your favor with regard to Nancy's ponies?

What would you want me to order? Because I can't change the nature of Sh Nancy's ponies? What would you want me to order? Because I can't change the nature of Shetland ponies. But if there is something at work here beyond simply you're having a rather sniffy opinion of your friend's pony raising habits, what would you ask me? If there was a motivating factor of her safety or a concern for her health, physical or mental, factor of her safety or a concern for her health, physical or mental, what would you have me order her? Bearing in mind that you own 16 fainting goats. Okay. All I would ask is that you allow me to keep telling her that they're ill-mannered because ever since I said that, she's on such a quest to prove me wrong that she keeps telling me how much she's been working with the ponies.

to prove me wrong that she keeps telling me how much she's been working with the ponies. So by me saying the ponies are ill-mannered, it motivates her to make them more well-mannered. So I don't need you to do anything other than let me keep saying it. Nancy, has Becky's observation or slander, depending on how I define it in my verdict, caused you to treat your ponies differently? And has you seen a net positive or negative result due to that treatment? I don't think I've treated them differently. No, but I look at them and wonder, like, if they do something and think, is that bad? Because it doesn't bother me. But I think, think is, is that bad? Cause it doesn't bother me, but I think is, is that ill mannered? Because it's, it might not be something that like, if I have to spend a little more time doing something

just because they're not as well trained as other people's horses, it doesn't really bother me that much. So you're saying your opinion of your ponies and your pony raising is not changed by Becky's observation that they are ill-mannered? Well, I question it a little, but in general, no, it hasn't changed. You question it because you don't believe it to be true? Because I don't believe it to be true, but it makes me wonder. I worry, am I missing something? Am I really off base here? Am I really off base here? And so you would have me order that Becky be a gag order with regard to Becky's comments about the manners of your Shetland ponies. Well, I guess it was good that we had a conversation here because I would like her to not call them ill-mannered. But if she really thinks they're ill-mannered and there's something really wrong, then I want to know.

I always worry that people don't tell me the truth because they like me. Not that I think that many people like me that much, but if someone likes me. I'm sure that's not true. Well, but if someone likes me, I worry that they're not really telling me everything I need to know. Do you guys have family members living at home with you, or is it just you and your goats and ponies? Sadly, it's just me and my goats and her and her ponies. All right. Then it's important that you guys stay friends. I think I've heard everything that I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to ride my pony down into the coal pit that is my chambers, and I'll make my decision in a moment.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Nancy, how are you feeling about your chances? I think my chances are pretty good. I don't think Becky really made a very strong case about how ill-mannered she thinks my ponies are or the danger that she thinks I'm in. I think there's many more dangerous things than my ponies. Becky, how are you feeling? Well, honestly, after the last comment about our sad, pathetic lives and we better remain friends, I don't really care. How come neither one of you has ever purchased or otherwise obtained a donk or miniature donkey? Oh, don't even get me going on that.

That's Becky. You wouldn't be able to stop talking about how adorable it is? No. Actually, there are two miniature donkeys that live on my brother's property, which is part of mine. So I do take care of them as a vet. And they, being half mule-like in their personality, they're like ponies on steroids, behavior-wise.

We'll be back in just a moment with Judge John Hodgman's verdict. But first, let's hear about some of our sister shows here at MaximumFun.org. at MaximumFun.org. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year.

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If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go,

call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, we're taking a break from the case, and we have some very exciting things coming up, not least of which is a show at Lincoln Center. Yeah, I'll tell you what, I'm not taking a break from my excitement about this show at Lincoln Center, June the 29th. Jesse Thorne. This is a free show, John. This is a free outdoor show. If you want to spend a beautiful summer night out under the stars, enjoying our brand of comedy adjacent humorous performance, Lincoln Center is where you're going to want to go Wednesday, June 29th. Look, you've got time to plan a trip, folks. I don't care if you live in Massachusetts. I don't care

if you live in Charlotte. We're not going anywhere else right now. So come to Lincoln Center. Enjoy this beautiful free show. If you've got pals in New York, tell them to come. If you're in New York, bring pals. This is a free show, and we're going to put on a show that your friends who don't listen to this program can enjoy. Not only that, but we have a very special guest, the universally beloved Jean Grey. That's like the talented me. Jean will be there. Jesse will be there.

I will be there. Jennifer Marmer will be there making sure everything goes the way it's supposed to go. That's why we call Jennifer Marmer the go later. We're really, really excited about going to Lincoln Center for our first show, first live justice show since the beginning of all of this. And to be able to share it with people for free in the open air under the stars, it's just going to be wonderful. I'm going to sing in this thing, John.

You're going to sing a song? Yeah, I'm bringing my, you know what they call it, a concert ukulele? Because you play it in concert, baby, right there at Lincoln Center. I'm going to be the worst professional musician ever to perform at Lincoln Center. Lincoln Center, Damrosch Park, June 29th. You can get and reserve your tickets at bit.ly slash JJHOLincoln, all capital letters, all one word. Just Google it. Or just Google Judge John Hodgman Lincoln Center, June 29th.

It's going to be fantastic. Dogpile.com. I look forward to seeing you there. I have a very exciting guest this week on Bullseye for people who don't live in the New York, New Jersey area and aren't interested in buying plane tickets. Right. Michael Stipe from REM. He's one of the main REMs, I hear.

I think he's the primary REM and, uh, he's a, a very fascinating conversationalist. We talked a lot about, uh, things including, but not limited to,

uh, outsider and visionary art, um, how he realized he was queer, um, the history of the band, his nice loft that he lives in that I could see through the zoom and just seemed like a parody of the loft that Michael Stipe would live in and its tastefulness and attractiveness and New Yorkiness. Um, it's a really great conversation.

He's a really brilliant guy and a, and a fascinating guy to talk to. And not someone I feel has been interviewed a lot in depth. No. And this is a really, this. No. And this is a really, this is a really, this is a really great one. Whether you're a big REM fan or you're just interested in learning more about a guy who is, you know, certainly a cultural touchstone. Um, he's on bullseye this week. So just search for bullseye in the podcast app that you're using to listen to this show right now. And please subscribe. It's a fantastic show featuring

incredible conversations from Jesse Thorns and all kinds of And please subscribe. It's a fantastic show featuring incredible conversations from Jesse Thorns and all kinds of cultural touchstones. I'm a better person because of this show. You should listen to it. Let me tell you this, John. If Michael Stipe didn't sell them, I also this week interviewed Claudia O'Doherty, the Australian comic and actress.

She's one of the funniest people on earth. And at one point in the interview, I did say, you're probably friends with Yahoo Sirius, the star of Young Einstein. And she revealed to me that Yahoo Sirius and his wife were close family friends of theirs. There you go. So you also get that if you subscribe to Bullseye. We'll be back in just a second on Judge John Hodgman. Please rise on Judge John Hodgman. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

Well, I almost didn't come back because I was too busy looking at pictures of donks. They're so cute. Miniature donkeys. I wish, I guess I could probably have a small herd of donks here in Brooklyn, right? Like in the courtyard of your apartment building? Yeah, that could be. Everyone would enjoy that. I think that would be fun. I bet you someone would write about me in Time Out New York. That would be a good way to get into the style section of the New York Times. Look what Brooklyn people are trying to do now to get attention. That'll be the headline. You won't believe what podcasters are up to.

All these cute little donks. But here's the thing. I don't live in the country. Not full time, anyway. I spent some time out in the country in Internetless Hills, Western Massachusetts, in a semi-rural to rural area like the one I think you guys inhabit, a couple of acres of land separating you from everyone else in the world. I'd never really considered the very serious possibility of being marauded by a herd of donkeys or ponies such that I couldn't get help. But it's true. If I fell down, if I fell down and hurt myself and there was no one with an earshot, I could, it would be different than if I were in New York City.

no one with an earshot. It would be different than if I were in New York City. That said, I'm not really sure that these Shetland ponies present an imminent risk of harm to Nancy, despite Becky's trumped-up charges of Shetland pony conspiracy. That said, Nancy, every child has a parent, and every parent believes their child is wonderful, smart, and beautiful. And we know, though, from history, that those parents are not always right. Sometimes children are not as smart, or not as beautiful, or not as good as their parents naturally believe them to be. There is a perception bias. The one who owns the Shetland ponies sees only good ponies. She sees them as an expression of herself. This is a well-known

saying. Amongst horse people. You see it on any t-shirt. The one who owns the ponies sees all ponies as good, or whatever it was I said. New t-shirt. Sometimes we need friends, especially if we are all alone in the world with our ponies and our goats, who do not speak English, to tell us the hard truths that we may not be able to perceive ourselves. And when someone says to you, your ponies are ill-mannered, as happens on the subway in New York City all the time, they may be crazy, they may be jealous, they may be mean, but every now and again, they may be right about one of your ponies, and when you have 11 of them, it's even more statistically likely they're right

about at least one. So when someone gives you a note, whether it is in pony raising or story writing or child rearing that you don't like, you do not need to shut them up. All you need to do is say, huh, maybe there's something I need to look at here. And you look a little more closely and then you use your best judgment to determine whether or not your friend is your friend or just a jealous goat owner. Doesn't have the stuff that it takes to keep 11 ponies. Doesn't have what it takes to keep a bunch of animals

that when you yell at them, stay standing. Whatever the case, it is okay for your friend to make a comment about your ponies. Anyone who owns 11 animals and is being constantly jostled and pushed and nipped at by them has to have some thick skin. Which isn't to say that I'm necessarily finding in Becky's favor. Because Becky, your job is done. I'm convinced that Nancy has heard what you had to say. The mean comment about her ponies. It has had the effect that you wanted. It has given her a moment of reflection. She has revealed that she is aware of an outside world in which people don't own 11 ponies.

And she is doing the hard work it takes to make sure that her ponies are being raised correctly. To continue, as you have suggested, to tell her over and over again that her ponies are ill-mannered in person. And I presume you would also like to write little notes to her to slip under her door every day. Ponies are ill-mannered. Call her up in the middle of the night. Your ponies are ill-mannered. And otherwise, torture her with your perception goes beyond neighborliness and friendliness. You've made your point.

I've helped you make it. Let the matter now rest. Let it rest like a fainting goat. I find in Nancy's favor. And so this is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Becky, how do you feel? I think that was a fair, fair assessment. Nancy, do you feel vindicated? Uh, yeah, yes, I do. I think they're very good ponies, but I will, I will try to pay better attention to how they might be perceived. You guys are the best. Thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Good luck, you guys.

Thank you. Thank you, Judge. So we actually heard an update on this case from Nancy and Becky in 2016. So let's take a listen. Let's take a listen. Nancy, how are the ponies doing? The ponies are doing very well. And I have to admit that I think they are ill-mannered.

Oh. How is the herd? So do you still have 11 of them? Yes. And all the same ones? Yes. Oh, that's great. And so, so, so how, what opened your eyes to, to the fact that you're, that your ponies are rude? Well, I moved. And so in the process of moving, the younger ones, the three younger ones, Berger, Fraser, and Niles, had to have some new experiences, loading on a trailer, getting off a trailer,

moving into a barn. And they were very naughty. Did they steal the trailer and go for a joyride well they were actually really good on the trailer but they just didn't like getting in and out of the trailer and kind of realized that maybe what i thought was good behavior was just that they had a routine and habit and and when we took them out of those, their true nature, and my lack of skills, and, you know, it was a stampede. They had a stampede. Is that what you're saying? Well, it was a little bit of a stampede. Yeah.

Oh, all right. At any point, did you feel like you might lose a pony or your own life? No, I thought my life was okay, but there were a couple close calls losing ponies. But we didn't lose any, and we got them all moved. But they were pretty bad. And so I blame you, Judge Hodgman, actually. Why? Because, you know, maybe if you had come down harder on me the last time, I would have, you know, been a little more diligent with my training.

What did I rule? I ruled sometimes you need a friend to tell you a hard truth. Becky said that to you. You had to hear that, but apparently you didn't hear it. And then you said that you would, according to my notes, you pledged to pay more careful attention to how the ponies were perceived. I'm not even sure what that means. Yeah, I didn't do that. You didn't do it. You didn't do it. Well, of course you should blame me. Now you know. So where did you move to? I moved to kind of the Pocono Mountains part of Pennsylvania. Oh, wow.

Wow. Are you coming to Max Funcon East and bringing the ponies? Where is Max Funcon East? It's in the Poconos. Oh, it is? Yeah. Sure. It's going to be over Labor Day.

It's going to be great. Can you bring like one or two good ponies? Not those bad ponies like Berger and Frazier and Niles. What's the best of your ponies? Well, you know who the best is. It's Ian Charles. Ian Charles. The pony's so nice they named him twice.

You could bring everybody to my place and we could have a real, you know, hoedown. No, no, no. We don't want any of the Max Funnock Con attendees to be trampled by your demon ponies. Just get Ian Charles in your car, drive him over to the hotel for an afternoon, a little bit of petting, a little bit of visiting, and we'll put you up for the night. Nancy, now that your eyes are opened and it's all my fault and you're in the Poconos, how are you handling these ponies differently? I'm not. You're just indulging them. Well, the one time we did try to do things in a civilized manner, you know, I put halters on them, let them around.

It just ended in frustration. You know, I put halters on them, let them around. It just ended in frustration. So now that right now, the way they live now, they're in the Poconos is they're all out standing in their fields. I'm a dad. They're all out there, just feral. And every now and then you throw them some feed and run away. Yeah, I do kind of run sometimes.

But that's how they see. That's how they were at the old place. It's just that the new place isn't as easy to work around with them being feral. Is it a bigger, are they in a bigger pony paddock? Are they in a bigger enclosure or smaller? Well, it's a little of both. It's smaller ones and a bigger one. And I can't just let them loose to go from one. It can't be smaller and bigger. You have to answer.

You have to rejoin our reality. Do you have more property or less property for ponies to roam on now? More property. More property. More property. All right. So now they have a whole empire, a Pocono pony empire. Yes. Yeah.

You are. Yeah. Yeah. They're the Dothraki of ponies. They're going to run over your civilization right quick. Well, Becky, are you still visiting and close with Nancy? We're still close, but I have yet to come visit her farm. Yeah, I don't think you should go out there.

I think it's turning into a Mad Max situation out there. Now Pony is king. But I've always wanted to visit a bigger, smaller farm. It's a farm in a pocket dimension. Nancy, I wish you the best of luck. And now that your eyes are open, I mean, I don't know what to say. As your judge, I simply want you to stay alive and be careful. But I will order you to name all of the ponies again, because I forget.

I know Ian Charles, Berger, Niles, and Frazier. That's four. But there are... order you to name all of the ponies again because i forget i know ian charles burger niles and frazier that's four but there are uh seven more russell stover maddie sprite dewdrop connie is that everybody now russell stover maddie dewdrop sprite connie you're too short oh godiva godiva godiva now that's right. That's 11 by my count. Godiva. So you have some chocolates. You have some fairy names. You have

some homages to the television show Frasier. And then there's Ian Charles. Yes. I can't wait to see Ian Charles. The best pony. And boo. Here's what you do. You go out there. You get all those ponies. Gather around. Have a pony moot. And say, listen up, y'all. Ian Charles, still the best. Burger, Fraser and Niles. One million years dungeon, says John Hodgman. I'll do that. I'm sure it'll help.

I bet it'll help as much as anything. Good luck to you, Nancy. Becky, go patch up a horse. Okay. We also heard from Nancy again at the end of 2021 about one of her beloved stallions. Yeah, Jesse, this is a sad one, but it is something that all people who live with pets come to understand is inevitable. Nancy wrote, I am Nancy from My Legal Pony.

Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse seemed to enjoy talking to us about my old stallion, Ian Charles. And Nancy, we really did enjoy talking about Ian Charles. I called him the pony so nice, you named him twice. Nancy says, I had to say goodbye to Charles this morning. He was about 40 years old. Wow. And I had him for 21 years. I appreciated Judge John and Bailiff Jesse hearing our dispute and letting me give a shout out to the whole world about Charles.

Though our dispute was about ill-mannered ponies, we specifically excluded Charles from that group. Thanks, guys, for all your great podcasts over the years, Nancy. And thank you, Nancy, for being a fan and supporter of Judge John Hodgman. And thank you, Ian Charles, wherever you are, for being a good friend to Nancy and indeed all Nancy's everywhere. I, this week, am remembering a pet friend of mine named George who belonged to our producer, Jennifer. Yeah. He was a sweet, sweet guy.

I loved getting to spend time with him at our office. And I know what a special friend he was to Jen and her husband, Shane, as Jen was pregnant and having their first child and a special friend to that child as well. So we'll remember you well, George. You're a good pal. Cuddle your animal friends, everybody. Thank you. That was My Legal Pony from deep in the archives of Judge John Hodgman. It was produced originally by Julia Smith and edited by Mark McConville. Our producer now, Jennifer Marmer. Our editor on this episode, Valerie Moffitt. Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO, and check out the Maximum Fund subreddit to discuss this episode. That's at MaximumFund.reddit.com. Submit your cases to Judge John Hodgman at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. John, I bet there are more animal cases out there, don't you think? We always love an animal case. So please, if you're in a dispute with your cat or dog. And they can talk.

And especially if they can talk. Look, if your cat or dog or pony or snake or bearded dragon or pet of any kind can speak English, please write to us first. Please write to us before you call the news or your paranormal detective show. Write to us first at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Or if you have a dispute about your beloved animals, we love looking at their pictures and talking about them and thinking about them. If you've got a case, by the way, in the New York City area, make sure to let us know because we're headed to New York and we are looking forward to your cases. So go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO, submit your case. Make sure to note if you are in what I like to call the four corners,

that's New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Long Island. As long as Connecticut is erased, I'm happy. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.