Judge John Hodgman - Not in My Fur-isdiction

Episode Date: February 18, 2026

Michele brings the case against her husband, Nate. Michele and Nate are living the childfree dream: three cats, two dogs, and a Subaru Baja. They have it all. But Michele wants more pets! Nate has two cars and a motorcycle. Michele says that if they are embracing vehicle maximalism, it’s only fair to embrace pet maximalism. Nate says they have enough pets for now. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? With Guest Bailiff Jean Grae!BROOKLYN! Join Judge John Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorn LIVE at The Bell House for NIGHT COURT (no, not that one)! Get your tickets here: Friday, March 6, Saturday, March 7Thanks to reddit user u/Dinosaur1972 for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at reddit.com/r/maximumfun!Follow Judge John Hodgman on:YouTube: @judgejohnhodgmanpodInstagram: @judgejohnhodgmanTikTok: @judgejohnhodgmanpodBluesky: @judgejohnhodgmanReddit: r/maximumfunPlease consider donating to Al Otro Lado. Al Otro Lado provides legal assistance and humanitarian aid to refugees, deportees, and other migrants trapped at the US-MX border. Donate at alotrolado.org/letsdosomething. Judge John Hodgman is member-supported! Become a member to unlock special bonus episodes, discounts on our merch, and more by joining us at: maximumfun.org/join!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm guest bailiff, Gene Gray, mostly, sitting in for Jesse Thorne. This week, not in my first diction. Michelle brings the case against her husband, Nate. Michelle and Nate are living the child-free dream, as well as I. Three cats, two dogs, and a Subaru, Baja. Suburuba. Suburuba.

They have it all, but Michelle wants. more pets. Nate has two cars and a motorcycle. Michelle says that if they are embracing vehicle maximalism, it's only fair to embrace pet maximalism. Nate says, they have enough pets for now. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. Oh no. Oh, no, you cannot bring this with you. This is a hammer. This is a very large hammer. Guest, bail of Jean Grey, welcome back to the show.

Please swear the litigants in. Michelle and Nate, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or a shoe or a piece of gum? Whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling,

despite the fact that he tried to limit my usage of use earlier just now. Like, I think he's fine, but I feel like that was going a bit far. Anyway, do you swear to abide besides that? I do. All right, I guess. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Michelle and Nate, you may be seated. Gene, I would never, I would never limit your use of use.

Felt like it. No. This is especially a heavy use case. It is a very heavy use case. There are a lot of use in the words, Subarubah. Suburubah. But before we talk about that,

for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors, Nate and Michelle, Jean, it's so great to see you again. Thanks for being here. Nate, Michelle, you're still here too. Sitting down now, can you guess the very short,

very obscure cultural reference that I mentioned as I entered the courtroom? We'll start with Michelle. Okay, it's very obscure, but I'm still going to go with my prepared guess, which is a quote from George Orwell's Animal Farm. Quote from George Orwell's Animal Farm. I believe the quote that you're thinking of, I'm tired of these mother-fitting animals on this

mother-hast farm. Would that be right? Yes, exactly. Nate, what's your guess? I was going to go with a Taco Bell Baja Blast commercial. Taco Helba. Oh, in a reference to what particularly, a sous. The Mountain Dew Baja blast flavor.

Mountain Dew Baja blast flavor at Taco Bell. Well, I kind of feel like people might have a hammer at the Taco Bell. That's true. You might bring a hammer to the Taco Bell. Well, I've written all of those guesses down very plainly, as you can see on the YouTube, Judge Shum Hodgman Pod. On YouTube, you should go there and subscribe and see all of our episodes live on video. But in the meantime, all guesses are wrong. There's no way you could have guessed this one.

Gene, I won't even make you go through the motion of guessing because there's no way anyone could guess because it's actually not a piece of obscure culture. It's not a piece of culture at all. It's something that was only I heard. We were recently at San Francisco at the wonderful S.F. Sketchfest where we did a wonderful show, which you may have heard by now, listener. And on the way back from San Francisco Sketchfest, those were the words that were said to me by the TSA agent at San Francisco International Airport as they confiscated my gavel. That's right. I used to have, and you used to be able to see it here in the video sitting right behind me. But it's gone now.

It's empty. Only the platform remains. And on that platform is written, Judge John Hodgman, our planet's finest decision maker. I hope you can see that. You can see many Knicks where I hit this with the gavel over the years. Those years amount to about 15, I would guess, since our listener and one-time litigant Matt Howie gave that giant gavel to me. And in the past few years, I'd been traveling around the country with it, because, it makes a wonderful stage prop.

And indeed, I've never had a problem with it going through security. Really? I actually, yeah, I know. I was surprised, too. Like, I'm talking about in a carry-on in my bag, I would carry it with me. I came to San Francisco with it that way. Judge, Judge John Hunchman. What do you think about that, Gene?

Someone once gave me a small, a small pendant of brass knuckles. A pendant. A pendant. A pendant. A pendant. Tiny. And they were confiscated at the airport. Sure. Who do you think for babies? Do you think babies are going to use this only? You think I'm going to give it to a baby on a strange baby? Maybe they thought that you had a doll that was inhabited by a demon and it was going to magically come to life. That's a better story, but no doll. But they let you carry a gavel.

and bereft of my gavel. And, you know, I had seen this as a real moment of growth for me, the rule follower, because every time I packed it, I was like, they're going to take this away. Of course it's a weapon. It looks terrible on the x-ray. But for years they didn't. And then finally, the risk caught up with me. All is well, though, because this time I'm going to get another gavel.

I'm talking to our friend, Nick Offerman, our friend and your distant cousin, I believe, Gene, right? Nick Offerman. Nick Offerman is my cousin. We are talking to him about crafting a new giant gavel for the court. In the meantime, I'm going to use this old new Dick Cavett Show mug that I got from that I stole from the set of Bored to Death. And unfortunately, the handle broke. And I've got the pieces in here.

I'm going to repair that too. Things get broken in this life. Judge John Hodgman and its court are here to put them back together, sort of. Anyway, I'll be banging this as a gavel this time until we get that new one from Nick Offman. In the meantime, we've got this case to hear. Neither of you were able to guess the thing that happened to me, that there was no way, unless you were behind me in line. So Nate and Michelle, sorry that I couldn't give you a real guess there. I'm also a little scarred Nate and Michelle, because when we did our show in San Francisco Sketchfest, and I do the obscure cultural reference, the litigant got it completely right.

And there was no way for me to weasel out of it. And if you haven't listened to that episode and heard my horrible, awkward squirming, you should go listen to it now. But in the meantime, time moves in one direction. Here we are with you, Nate. Michelle, so glad to have you here. You may be seated. Michelle, or you're already sitting down.

Michelle, you seek justice in this court. Is that right? Then it's correct. I mean, there's a lot going on in this case. But part of it is that you object to Nate's Subaru Baja. You consider it to be his car. and not a shared car. Tell me about your objection to the Baja.

Well, I don't actually object to the Baja. The Baja is now a fact of our lives. I'm actually a partial owner. I am on. There are a lot of things that are now a fact of our lives that I still object to. I don't know. They mean that's me.

There are a lot of facts of our lives that are objectionable right now. Okay, well, I don't object. I guess I don't understand it. You know, I know that Nate's, like, basic argument for his love of the super... Bahas, well, look at it. It's a fun-looking car.

It's neither a good pickup truck or a good outback. It's just a Baja. It's kind of the explanation. But around the same time... Just so that our listeners and perhaps our viewers on the podcast, I'll just interrupt briefly. You said, look at it. Let's do look at it for a moment so that our viewers on the YouTube channel as well as our

listeners can at least get a visual or an audio picture of what a Subaru Baja is in case they don't know. Gene, you know what a Subaru Baja is? I looked at it earlier. I had not known previously what a Subaru Baja was, but it's an interesting vehicle. Yeah, let's take a look at it, that piece of evidence, Exhibit A real quick. And so, Michelle, why don't you describe what this vehicle is? I mean, it's a Subaru sport vehicle, but kind of where you would think the back half of the car would be, there's a partial almost truck bed with a roll bar? What is, what would you call that? Those little. Yeah, Nate, what would you call that a roll bar?

Yeah, they're part of the vehicle structure. It's quite a small truck bed, isn't it? It is, yep. Like, mostly what you're going to be carting around and that is babies and evil dolls, right? Pretty much, yeah. It's got room for that. Nothing much bigger than that. And we have talked about Subaru Baha's on this podcast in the past, specifically in our episode 579, Suba Rule of Law. Oh, boy. In which it was a case between a couple, Sophie and John, and I denied John the right to get his dream car a Subaru Baja.

Did you get your Subaru Baja to his revenge on me for my bad ruling on John? I think that might be a little bit of karma. That was a very good pun. That was a very... I was trying to determine whether pun was intended there. Offense taken. In any case, you were not aware that we've covered the Subaru Baja in the past on the podcast, were you? No.

This was a completely natural, intrinsic desire to get an additional vehicle, a Subaru Baja. Which is sort of like a turduckin. It's like a it's like a A car truck wagon A car truck wagon Yeah A truck It's many things

Car truck again Car truck again A car truck again Yeah What do you use it for What do you haul around in the Baja Uh Mostly us and our dogs

Those dogs ride in the back In the baby cat? No no they ride safely In the baby backseat Oh they're okay good It's a four-seater right Correct So what do you what do you haul around

in the back there? Nothing yet. I have the idea of maybe getting a smaller motorcycle and putting that in the back and going somewhere, more mountainy. When you say smaller, do I take it that you already have one? Yeah, I have a small motorcycle. How small? How small?

Like for babies? Yeah. Yeah. It's a 300 cc. So it's on the motorcycle, in the motorcycle world, that would be a, I'd be on a smaller side. But it doesn't fit in the back of the Baja. It's still a little heavy. Got it.

So what's your whole vehicle inventory over there in Nebraska? I find you in Nebraska. Is that correct? Yeah, actually. And Dick Cavett is from Lincoln. That's true. I hadn't thought about that. Well, no, his mother lived in a house right across the street from ours.

Really? That's wonderful. I'll have to send a note to Dick and let him know that his mom lived across the street from Nate and Michelle. And there are many vehicles. What's the inventory? What's the vehicle inventory at your home right now there in Nebraska, Nate? Well, Michelle has a Chevy Bolt. Terrific. And we have a Subaru Outback.

It's a different kind of Subaru. Right. It's kind of like the front half of the Baja. Yeah. It's like a Baja that functions. Right. I have my little Kawasaki versus 300 motorcycle, and we've just out of the Baja. So just those four.

And when you say we, did you mean I or we, truly we? We, with what you, I bought it with permission. Okay. But it is to service your midlife crisis needs, not necessarily. necessarily Michelle's. Entirely, yes. Okay. And you already had a motorcycle

for your midlife crisis needs. He's also wanting to seek another smaller motorcycle that goes inside of it further in the turducken of the Baja. Yeah. He wants it to be motorcycles

all the way down. Yeah. Yeah. Why the Baja? This is not a car in production currently, so I know you got it used. Tell me what the attraction

of it was to you. Yeah, they only made it for three years. years, 2003 to 2006. And I've always just thought it was really cool and really fun looking. And beyond that, I have no legitimate or rational justification for having one other than just really wanting it. And Michelle, you gave Nate permission, correct? I did. I mean, permission. You're both fully grown adults, old human beings in your own right, but you are a married couple sharing finances, obviously a big purchase.

You were consulted and you agreed that this was okay. I did. Actually, I think I'm the one that kind of not put the ID in your head, but I was like, there's this Subaru Baja sitting at the Denver Street that's for sale. Oh. What do you think about that? He was like, I'm trying not to think about it. Oh. And went back and forth for about a couple months, I think.

Yeah. Until the point that I was like, the only person standing in your way is you because you wouldn't even text them about. the price and some information about the car itself that eventually when contact was made, it kind of became the conversation of, are we really going to do this? And I was like, why? And he was like, I just want it. So you planted the seed. I think I did. But when it came time to reap what you had sown, you had a little bit of hesitation, but ultimately you went along with it. I did because it makes him happy. And I told him he could dust drive it. And if he really loved it, then we could look into it. And you really loved it.

Is it a manual or automatic transmission? Oh, I wish it was a manual. Yeah. It is an automatic, but that's okay. Well, you can't get every Baja you want. Right. Sometimes you get the Baha's that are available, just down the street there. You know, I heard that that was the Subaru Baja that Dick Havitt learned to drive on.

Yeah, I think so. It's a piece of talk show, talk show history. It's made from pieces of the set. It's made from pieces of the Dick Cavitch Show set, exactly. Yes, very true. And it's got a very curious horn. When you honk the horn, it goes, ba-p-ba-p-ba-da-papa-da.

Ba-pba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-a. It's long. I was really wondering why I did that, but yeah. If you're watching on YouTube now, you can pause this and open another window and opens up some old episodes of the Dick Cavett show from the 60s and 70s, and you'll hear that that was its theme song.

Here we are in the present. Sorry about that. I kind of went into a different place. You know what would have been great? If that was just not the Dick Havit theme song at all. I think it's a pre-existing song. If what you had just sung was just random. If I had just improvised it?

Yeah, yeah. Michelle, your objection is not really to this car. But in fact, what you want is to use the purchase of this midlife Baja as a justification to add an extra pet to your house. correct? Or two. So what is your current pet portfolio, Michelle? Well, currently we have three cats, two of whom were Nate's previous to us meeting each other. Right. Then I had a cat I brought into the situation who has sadly passed. I'm sorry. But then since then we've, sorry. Oh, thank you. What was that cat's name? Oh, that was Cobb. Cobb? Cobb.

Cobb. Rest and purrs. Cobb. You actually said what are the names of Nate's They don't have names to you. They're not whole, whole feline cats in their own right. Their whole feline cats in their own right. So he started with Harley. Harley, who was our eldest. He is 18. Then we had Tobias.

And then we got Garfunkel, who's going to be 11. Oh. Also 12. He's a dog. Okay, got you. And then we got oats, also a dog. It was four. You had to have sent in some photos of these animals.

Oh, of course. All right. Let's take a look. If you're watching on YouTube, you'll see these photos right now. If not, they will be on all of our social medias, as well as on our show page at maximum fun.org. Go ahead. Let's look at the animals. Stacks of cats.

Stacks of cats. Immediately stacks of cats. Lovingly referred to as the Tower of Miaoer. It was a mechanism by which we fed all three cats. The one in the middle is monstrous. That's Tobias. He would be eating everyone else's food. The cat on top is Cobb.

So this was an older photo. But our third cat now, is also gray. So I guess it's a good representation. And the cat on the bottom? That is Harley. That is Harley. Have I seen this Tower of Miaoer before? You have.

I thought I did. You guys have been on Get Your Pets my every now and then afternoon talk show where I go on the internet and talk to people's pets. Did you recognize the cat stacks? I recognized the stacks immediately. The cats, I did not recognize. No offense. It's been a few

years, I would think, Michelle and Nate. a couple of years maybe. I think originally we talked to you in 2020. 2020. Oh, my gosh. Well, it's nice to see all of these cats. And you again, I'm sorry that I didn't recognize you, but all humans look alike to me. But cats look different.

And this is a wonderful setup. I love Cobb at the top. I'm sorry, Cobb is no longer with us. And Harley, you mentioned on the bottom, came to the relationship with you, Nate. Is that correct? Yeah, that's correct. I adopted him in January of 2008 as a just a few-week-old kitten. And so he's been with me since then.

2008. I know that you already told me his age and I can't do the math. So tell me again how old he is. Yeah, he just turned 18 in December. Whoa. That is a senior cat. Gene Gray, you also are a companion to a wonderful cat named Littles. Yes.

How's Little's doing? And how old is Little's these days? Little's is going to be 10 this year, which feels like a lot. And every time I talk to the vet or something, and they keep saying stuff like, well, he's a little older. I'm like, he's just a baby. He's just a baby. He's just a baby. You shut your mouth.

That's right. That's quite a diversified portfolio. You have well-balanced cats and dogs mix. You have a very senior cat and you have a very junior cat and you have a lot in the middle. Seems like enough, but you say, Michelle, not enough cats. Well, okay. Around the time that Nate was finalizing his purchase of everything of the Subaru Baja, our pet licenses came due.

The city of Lincoln requires us to license all pets in the household within city limits. and he was like, did you know we could have five cats and three dogs? And I said, why don't we? Oh, the city of Lincoln requires you to register all of your cats and dogs. Oh. That's not something that happens where you live. Is it, Jean? No, it's not.

Does that happen in New York? No, that's impossible. How would they, no one wants to talk to us. Things we have in our home. Boy, oh boy. I've heard wonderful things. about the city of Lincoln, Nebraska, is college town, I believe.

That's correct. So you realized you were under the limit on pets, and you decided it was time to maximize, max out your pet portfolio. Is that correct, Michelle? I honestly don't see why not. Nate, you must be the one holding her back. I would like to increase our pet portfolio in time, for sure.

Great, we're all done. Bye-bye. Let me slam down the cabin mode. Thank you. See it. So I think I definitely would like to do that in time. My primary concern right now is Harley with his advanced stage, and he has some untreatable medical issues as well. And so really just want to have him have the

rest of his life with as much comfort and ease as possible. Well, it's a wonderful collection of pets, but you're suggesting, Nate, that adopting a new, was it putting a cat or a dog, do you think, Michelle, if you were to get your way? I would actually like a pair of bonded kittens. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I think the city of Lincoln, Nebraska would have something to say about that. We're still under five. Wait a minute, you have Tobias, Bean, Garfunkel, oats. That's five. Five. Oh, no, it's five cats and three dogs. Oh. Oh.

Mm-hmm. So max three dogs, max five cats. Is there a limit to any, to the other kinds of pets that you can have? Yeah. What are the city ordinances say about bearded dragons, partridge and a paratrojee? Well, per the city of Lincoln, the animal control FAQ, it does outline that you can have up to three adult dogs, a limit of five adult cats. A maximum of 15 cats is allowed with two types of permits. So I think I'm actually being very reasonable.

If we had more permits. Is Lincoln, Nebraska such a nanny state that you have to apply to be a hoarder? You would need a cattery permit. A cattery permit. Well, man, you're breeding cats. Okay. All right. That's different.

But what about snakes? What about the herps? What about turtles? Geckos. What about rabbits? We haven't looked into that specifically. I think animal control is mostly focused on the four-legged furry variety. What other rules does nanny state Nebraska, specifically Lincoln, how?

about cats. Can you let them outdoors? Are outdoor pets allowed? Cats allowed, I mean? Or no? He's got a curiosity. Outdoor cats are allowed, yes. Okay. The requirement is that they be spayed and neutered. Let me ask you a question. If you're a cool dude with a cool Subaru Baja and you've got your, you've got your very elderly cat, your old buddy that you raised in a kitten, can you put them in the front seat and drive around the Baja together? I think so, yeah. You ever do that? You ever put put him in the front seat and go cruising, just the two of you, cruising through the cornfields? Yep, yep, and he hates it. Maybe you're not listening to the right music.

What kind of music are you listening to? Well, usually you just cruise to the vet. Oh, right. Oh, that's not. No, it's got to be a non-vette trip, just a crazy, no destination, just, uh, just dad and child cruising. Dad and child cruising. Just put on some middle of the road rock. Pick a sunset, drive through the cornfields.

It turns into a Seattleis commercial, basically. Soundtrack from Children of the Corn. There you go. All right. But you have, so you are concerned that adopting another, in this case, two, twin or sibling bonded pair. Bonded pair or siblings specifically, cats. Michelle. Either or.

Okay. I'm flexible. Two new cats is going to. be too much for Harley. What are you, what are you afraid is going to happen with Harley,

Nate? I just want to make sure that he's not getting ganged up on by a bunch of feisty kittens. Yeah, little little

little whippersnappers. Right. Yeah. And just that he also has all of the care and attention from us that he, that he needs.

If you've got those two kittens, you could call them the Subaru Brats. Did you think of that, Michelle? I didn't, but it might actually strengthen my argument. Oh, well, it's starting to feel good. It's starting to feel good to me. We can call them Baha and Brat. Baha and Brat. Baha and Brat. I mean, Nate, you're feeling this now, right?

Tuberu's. I hate to be blunt, Nate, but how long do you anticipate Harley being with you? I hope he can make it to his next birthday, but But he does have a tumor that we cannot treat. We can just make him comfortable. And so a year at the most probably. Right. Michelle, why can't you just wait until Harley passes away?

He did really love Tobias when he was little. He did. And we don't have to just mash the cats together. Please don't. Please don't. Yeah, no. Please don't mash the cats together. I know you guys like portmanteaus and the vehicles and such, but we don't have to do that to physical animals.

We don't have to Baja blast them together. We don't have to do that. You love car truckigans, but you don't have to mash the cats together. Even though the bean introduction did not work to Harley's benefit, two new kittens might actually, Harley might love them the way Harley loved Tobias and might bring him more comfort and peace as he nears the end of his time. journey on this planet. Well, I guess Bean wasn't like a kitten. She was probably a few months,

four or to six months old, maybe. She had also come from like a hoarding situation, had probably had a litter herself. She might have some cat-related trauma. I'm talking about fresh, like fluffy, like little beans. Fresh, fluffy kittens. Fresh little guys. Where are you going to get these fresh little kittens from?

Well, just see, maybe I'll find them parked at the end of our street. Like a Baja? Maybe they'll find me. So it's just a fantasy adoption that you're thinking of at this moment. It is. Your angel kittens live in kitten limbo at the moment. Mm-hmm. I see.

So you don't have any specific plans. I do not. You just want to max out what the law allows you in Lincoln, Nebraska. They like maxing things out. I mean, it doesn't sound like Nate has even done maximizing or maximalizing, if you will, his vehicle portfolio. He wants to add a second teeny tiny motorcycle. I thought the understanding was you would get rid of one motorcycle.

I would be selling my current motorcycle to replace. Yeah. Oh, all right. What kind of little motorcycle can you fit in the Baja? Do you have one in mind, or is that something you just hope someone will park at the bottom of your drive away one day? Probably something more like a small dirt bike type motorcycle. So it seems to me that, Michelle, your argument that Harley would enjoy these two kittens is a real question mark. And they're purely fantasy at this point.

They are. And as we are all learning every day, time moves very fast. I don't understand what the argument would be to bring in new animals when Harley is at the end of his life journey. Do you want to make an argument? But it's necessary? I don't know if it's necessary, but like having lost my cat of 15 years, I think for a while it was a lot harder after that to like fill that space. Yeah, I mean, at that point, you only had two other cats and two dogs.

Yeah. Well, actually, no, we only had one dog. I did get a dog to try to fill that space. Well, how did it go? Oh, it went pretty good. And honestly, look, if you want to talk about keeping Harley, safe. He runs, Oates runs over Harley a lot of the times. He's a bit of brambunctious. Yeah, I actually, I honestly haven't even mentally admitted the dogs into this picture because

I don't care about dogs or how they feel. But like, how do those, how do all the animals get along right now? I think they're all good roommates. You know, Harley and Tobias are like really good friends. Yep. And Bean's just doing Bean. Sounds like Bean is a kind of cat you might I want to put into the back of the Subaru Baja and drive to another house. You know what I mean? I've had worse cats, trust me. Okay. But you're not scared off.

You want to still maximize the cats. I don't say, why not? Hey, what if we got the cats and we didn't report it to the city? Oh, boy, Michelle. Who's going to make us? No, I mean, that's obviously. Well, not now. Now it's too late.

Now we're all here. Now it's public. Yeah, we have a lot of listeners within City Hall at Lincoln, Nebraska. they are, they've got your number already. Yeah. They're going to be keeping an eye on you. They're going to be sending people out. They might even deputize me to come check, count your animals from time to time.

I wouldn't mind. I hear Lincoln, Nebraska. I'd love to come count cats in Lincoln, Nebraska. It'd be a good gig. I hire me. It sounds a little bit like, you know, we talk about these animal pet portfolios here. Like, you've made an investment. Can we just do the portmanteau already?

What's a portmanteau? It's petfolio. It's petfolio. Thank you. All right. Yeah, we'll put them together. Stressing me out. Yeah.

It seems like you've added an investment to your petfolio that is not paying off Bean. And now you want to balance it out by acquiring something new. You've got some bad crypto in your wallet and you want to buy something new and try to balance it out. Is that right? Admit it, Michelle. Is that what's going on? Or is there something else going on? on, Michelle. It says here that when you

spoke to our wonderful producer, Jennifer Marmer, you said, you wanted another pet that likes you. What did you mean by that? The dogs like me, but they don't respect me. And whenever, like, I'm around, like, they're cool. Like, I can walk him, I can feed

them. They listen mostly. When Nate comes home, it's all about Nate. Nate's got those dogs in his pocket. He really does. He's got Harley in his pocket. He's got Tobias via Harley. Bean's a pain in the neck that no one likes. Sorry, Bean. Got to call it as a... No, she does like me. She likes to snuggle with me only after my alarm goes off in the morning to try to keep me under her thrall, I think. In any case, you want a pet that will just come

and cuddle with you, that respects you and loves you and maybe two of them. You want to balance this out. That's where you want to balance the portfolio. I also just really like cats. I don't know. you got to admit, Nate. You got a Kawasaki. You got a outback. You got a Baja blast. You got a senior cat who adopted a midlife cat. You got two dogs that love you.

And all Michelle's got is this dysfunctional one-year-old kitten named Bean. Don't you think Michelle deserves a little bit more on her side of the ledger? I do. I will admit it's a little out of balance. Have you considered fostering a cat? We've considered fostering a cat, but like I don't think an animal could come into our home that we wouldn't absorb. Like it would become, it would become on the pet folio. I wonder if a pet rescue operation would consider you to be a good candidate for a foster animal because you have already have so many animals. I don't know. I truly don't know. Have you investigated that at all?

I know there's a couple of places, organizations in town that do offer those kinds of services and it might depend on the animal whether it would be a good candidate for an already multi-pet household or not. Have you talked to them about it at all? Have you done any research? No. So it doesn't seem to me like it's a realistic consideration for you anyway because as Michelle was saying, Nate, if you foster a cat who needs a home, you'll probably just end up having that cat.

So it's the same as just going ahead and adopting a cat. Yeah, I could talk about when we brought Bean home. Okay, please do you. I saw her. I love a gray cat. Cobb was a gray cat. I love coming a gray cat in my life. And I saw her and I was like, you know, I'm just going to go meet her.

And she was very skittish. Like she wasn't really overly friendly, you know, like from where she came from and everything like that at the Humane Society. And I was just like, well, you know, I don't know. Like, I really like her. Like, Nate, do you want to meet her? And then he came out and he met her. And we were sitting there and he was quiet for a while.

And he looked at me with tears. in his eyes and he was like, let's get her out of here. Yeah. Well, you're both a couple of softies. Let's face it. Yeah. Pushovers. Yeah.

All right. So I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision, unless Gene, you have some more questions before I go into my cat condo here and contemplate my verdict? Not really questions. I kind of understand what the issue is. And I think it's an issue of time and balance and more of an issue of making. things even.

I think the issue is Harley here, you know? And I think it's more of a case of I, listen, I am a cat parent. I am an animal parent. And I feel like you guys can take a darker joke.

But I feel like this is more of a case of like tumor or two more. At the heart of it. Oh, wow. Wow. I have to rename the case. Yes. There's a lot of context needed for that one. Whoa. I mean, I'm going to be leaving now because it doesn't get better than tumor or two more.

I might as well quit my job forever and go be a cat counter in Nebraska from now on. While I'm contemplating my verdict or, you know, next break we get, type in Gene Gray, J-E-A-N, G-R-A-E into your search engine and just buy everything there is. Go at it. Have at it. please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. All right, Nate, Michelle, how are you guys failing? How do you think today went? I think that today went good.

I think that, you know, I respect Harley. He's been around longer than me. I do want him to live in comfort and I do want him to be as unbothered as possible. And he does. He does love me. I think Harley loves me. Nate, what about the Subaru Baja? And this mini motorcycle.

Could we wait? Could we wait on the smaller motorcycle? Could we all just take our time with all the things that we currently have? Yeah, we definitely will be waiting on that. Yep. Okay. So we'll see what the judge has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment. Gene, we're taking a quick break from the case.

What's going on with you these days? Where can people find your stuff? What are you working on? Tell us all about your schemes and dreams. schemes and dreams. I have new art collection coming out that's going to start trickling out some new paintings that will be available in March. But it's a good time to go over there, kind of get a feel of what things might be like. And then I'm going to totally surprise you're going to be like, this is nothing like that.

And you may be angry, but you'll love it anyway. So you can go to jeangrateartworks.com at any point to check out any new collections of artworks. Genegrayartworks.com. Genegrayartworks.com. I mean, well-named. People know of you as an actor, a storyteller, a comedian, a singer, a writer, an author of the incredible memoir in my remaining years by Jean Grey. That's you. But you're also an extremely talented mixed media artist.

And you can check out Jean's art at jeangrayartworks.com. Yes. And after that, you can get the in March, mid-March, I believe it's coming out, the 1630,000, 17th, but I'll, you know, check on it. The paperback version of in my remaining years is coming out. So if you are going on vacation, sure. If you are ready to flee, it is a really good non-heavy hardcover book to pack in a carry-on or a purse.

You can get it in there, not like the hardcover. It's not going to put you over any weight limits. You can definitely take it to like a small cafe where you're going to cry and think about everything that's going on and why you're so far from your original home. In My Remainting Years comes out, and the audiobook, which is self-narrated by me, and also I made the original music for it. It's not going to be re-released. It's just out.

You can get it wherever you get. Your audiobooks. Audio books. Go do that. Go listen to it. In my remaining years is so smart, so funny, so fascinating, so wise. I just love that book so much. It is about your life, but it is also about.

everything you've learned in truly one of the most amazing lives ever lived so far. So far. So far. Yeah. If I went back, I would call it something else. Yeah. If you're going to be getting on a plane for fun or self-preservation, this is the book to take with you. This is it.

Gene, Jesse and I are going to be performing some fun shows coming up. We've got our special after dark night court shows coming up at the Bell House. there in Gowanus Brooklyn, going home to the Bell House, March 6th and 7th. That's a Friday night and a Saturday night, two big weekend shows with just me and Jesse. We're going to be having a lot of fun exploring some new, maybe some ribbled content after dark. It's going to be a Judge John Hodgman show like none you've ever seen before, and it will be better if you're there. So please go to maximum fun.org slash events to get your tickets for that.

And in June, Jesse and I are taking to the seas. It's maritime law aboard the Grace Bailey. The Grace Bailey is a hundred-year-old historic wooden schooner that plies the Pinabscot Bay in Maine. One of its owners, one of its three owners, is the wonderful actor and improviser Mark Evan Jackson, our dear friend. Along with Sam Sycambe, Captain Sam Sycambe and Susanna. Those three brought the Grace Bailey back to life, full renovations. into a beauteous little boat that I have traveled on before and I loved it so much I wanted to go back. Jesse and I will be hanging out with you if you choose to join us each and every day and evening eating hard tack in the morning.

I don't think they actually have hardtack. The breakfast are wonderful. Breakfast are wonderful. All the food is fantastic. All the companionship is tremendous. And at night I'll be doing some readings from vacation land. And Jesse and I will be judging any disputes you might have at sea, but mainly it'll just be a really wonderful, weird hang as we pass through some of the most beauteous landscapes available, those painful beaches of Maine and those hurtful waters shall be kept away from you by the wonderful Grace Bailey. Grace Bailey is a beautiful ship, and you should join us on it.

In June, June 14 through 18, join us by going to Bit. slash maritime justice. That's bit. Dotley slash maritime justice that'll take you right to the website salegrace bailey.com. Very cool.

Let's get back to the case. Please rise as judge. John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. So normally I would come rolling back in here with my big old gavel. But that gavel has passed.

And that was a challenging thing. I mean, things are things, right? They're not. Humans, they're not cats, they're things. But it's still, it's still something to think about, just the same way that I think about my old new Dick Cabot Show mug as I rattle the bones of its handle that broke. I took this from the set of Bored to Death in the year 2010, I believe it was. That's the sound of my bones rattling as I also. a hurdle towards death along with Harley.

Time moves in one direction. We lose things and we lose people and we lose companions. To death and just growing apart and so forth. But in this case, we're talking about death, the imminent death of Harley the cat. Because, Michelle, you mentioned that Harley is ageless and Harley is not ageless. Harley is aging. And I think about this a lot because I am a cat person. We have a cat that I've mentioned before, both on Get Your Pets in here.

Lolo the Dumbum Cat. She is, I mentioned that most boy cats are dummies. She is the rare girl cat dummy. She's a true dumb, dumb. Love her very much, but she is quite elderly at this point and really beginning to show her age. And while it is not something that... my wife is a whole human being in our own right and I talk about the end of life plans for Lola the Dumb Dumb Cat. It is definitely on both of our minds.

And we don't talk about it because we don't, I mean, I'm not a superstitious person, but, you know, we take really good care of her. We follow the veterinarian's advice. She is also still a baby in our hearts. And because we are feeding her kitten food, because she needs all the calories she can get. And I'm, and this one really hit home, uh, to me because our daughter, uh, recently, uh, about a year ago adopted a kitten, uh, named Juno. And I had this fantasy. Um, we kept Juno, uh, with us between Thanksgiving and New Year's because our daughter lives

across the country. So she brought Juno with her for Thanksgiving and left her in our care between the holidays as she went back to San Francisco where she lives. And I was so excited for our cat to have a little sibling. They had met before, and there was some hissing, but there was tolerance. And I was convinced that eventually Lolo the Dum Dum Cat would become the doting mother or father the way Harley became the doting mother or father to Tobias. That was my fantasy.

That was my fantasy. and they did end up cuddling together two times. I have photos of both occasions. In both occasions, Juno sat on top of Lolo, and Lolo was too exhausted to get rid of her. She did not like it. She does not like that other cat.

And I am going to go on record that I do think that the disruption in Lolo's life absolutely caused her to overgroom herself to the point that she's, she now has almost bald patches and probably has hastened her demise. Sorry, Juno. Sorry, everybody. It's just what's what I've observed.

I mean, she's old. He's old. And I think now that, you know, there was a time when Lolo was not quite as old, just a couple of years ago that we were fantasizing about getting not only a new cat but a pair of bonded cats in order to forestall, right? The horrible feeling of loss we would have

when Lolo eventually passes on, dies. And then we would already have these backup cats in the chamber, you know, ready to go that we could pour our emotion into. But we didn't do that.

And probably that was for the best because now that, I mean, I don't know how long Lolo is going to live, but now that we, the Lolo's mortality is a little bit more present with us, we know that we are going to need, that she needs our full attention and that we're going to need some grieving after the fact before we're ready to bring more cats in, to go search the end of our driveway for mystery cats that will arrive the way they do in Nebraska, apparently. So obviously, you see where I'm going with this. Harley has had a good long life and has adapted to a lot in that life and has traveled far, both

with you, Nate and now with both of you, Nate and Michelle, and now with all of you, Nate and Michelle and Garfunkel and Oates and formerly Cobb and Tobias and even the dreaded bean. And I think that Arley deserves, if indeed Nate is correct, that Harley only has maybe another year on this planet, some peace and quiet and not have to adapt to anything else. I think it was ingenious of you. to attempt to leverage the acquisition of the Subaru Baja into the early acquisition of some extra cats. It surely is a surfeit of delights that Nate gets to enjoy

among his many vehicles and also all these animals that love him and not you. It's not fair. The scales must be balanced, and they will be soon. But now I don't think is quite the time. and by the way, you mentioned, well, I have to stare at a Baja every day. May I remind you, you are the one who noticed the Baja in the first place? You were the one who suggested it? That's on you, I'm afraid.

But I think it's the case that Harley should deserve some sameness in his routine in life as you make him comfortable in what probably it does seem to be the last the last year or so of his life. And I'm going to miss that guy, even though I never met him. And I don't care for Bean. Sorry. But that's okay. Not all cats are good.

No, Bean seems pretty good, too, I suppose. But I order that when, you know, that you more than just let Harley die in peace. But also, you know, you take some time to acknowledge the things that are being lost, the time moves in one direction, that you don't rush through mourning and grief, but you take some time to really absorb it. And then when you've processed that loss to a degree,

you get, I guess, three more cats because that will bring you up to the limit. If you don't want three more cats, what I really hope happens in the magic of Lincoln, Nebraska, is that sometime after Harley has passed and you've gone through the sadness and you've woken up. And one morning you wake up and you're like, you know what? I miss him a lot, but I think it's going to be okay that you hear outside your house, the revving of an engine. And guess what?

It's a little dirt bike, a little pocket dirt bike that'll fit in the back of your Baja. And guess who's driving it? Brat and Baja, the kitten twins. That's the way it should happen. I'm going to use this magical Dick Cavett mug to shake the bones of it and try to summon that into being. But if not that, then you can get up to three cats after a suitable period of morning after Harley has passed.

And then you can get rid of one of those motorcycles too. This is the sound of a Dick Cavett mug. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman. exits the courtroom. Michelle, Nate, how do you feel about the decision? I feel good.

I feel like once the time is right, we'll pack the bed of that Baja up with cats and bring them home. It's on the record. I think it was lovely. I believe in you both. I'm ready to see the twins. And I love that the judge brought up the saying that everybody knows, Michelle,

If you see a Baja, don't tell anyone unless you want it in your driveway. And I think we all know that's an old Nebraska saying. Best of luck to both of you and all the loves in your home. Thank you so much. Another case in the books. Before we dispense some swift justice, we want to thank Dina Sauer, 1972 for naming this week's episode, Not in My Furestiction.

Join the conversation over at the Maximum Fun subreddit over at Reddit.com slash R slash maximum fun. We'll be asking for title suggestions there too, so keep an eye out for those. Evidence and photos from the show are posted on our Instagram account at Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman, as they should be. We are also on TikTok and YouTube at Judge John Hodgman.

Pod, follow and subscribe to see our episodes and video-only content. Speaking of video-only content, we have our YouTube comment of the week. Every week we post full episodes, video episodes, my face and jessies, and in this case, Jeans, as well as our litigants over there at our YouTube channel, Judge John Odjmanpod, and we always have a video, excuse me, a YouTube comment of the week. This week it comes from user One More Animal and it's a zoo. they say, this is in a YouTube short that I ruled that Christmas underwear should only be worn during the holiday season. And one more animal on it's a zoo says, quote, stupid advice.

There's nothing wrong with wearing Christmas underwear. No one sees it, unquote. Yeah. Maybe no one sees your underwear. That's like you thing. Maybe the problem is that you're wearing Santa underreuse in July. Well, Christmas in July is a thing. But if you get to August, take them off.

If you want to hug and kiss somebody, plus this user also admitted to wearing a St. Patrick's Day t-shirt at the end of January. So why should we listen to you? I don't know, but I still give you a YouTube comment of the week. And I hope that you all will go over there and leave a comment. And while you're over there, please subscribe. When I say subscribe, it doesn't cost you anything. Just click that subscribe button.

It really helps new users find the show. Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. This episode was engineered by Philip Zach at the Grid Studio in Lincoln, Nebraska. Megan Rosati runs our social media. The podcast is edited by A.J. McKin. Our video editor is Daniel Spear. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. And once again, our guest bailiff for this week, the wonderful Gene Gray.

Thank you, Gene. Thank you. Nobody's seen my arms away at all. No, thank you. Now, let's get to Swift Justice, where we answer your small disputes with a quick judgment. Adam underscore Lion on the Max Fund subreddit says, my sister puts away the ice cream scoop in the drawer with spatulas and other miscellaneous items. I like to put the ice cream scoop away in the knife drawer because it fits better in there.

Who's right? I usually have two drawers. One for items that you use to manipulate food in a pan, like a spatula, a spatula. And the other drawer is, you use. usually for food prep items like a cheese grater or a can opener. And I do put, I put the, I don't like having the ice cream scoop in the spatula drawer. I usually put it in that drawer. But if you have a knife, if you choose between a knife drawer and a spatula drawer,

I don't like either of these options. No. This is, this is in like, like extra corkscrew territory, you know, like my, my bigger, corkscrew that I can kind of like smash around. Utility, utility interaction with food tools. Yeah. With food and drink.

Yeah, that's where I would put it. But absent a third drawer, if I have to choose between knife and statch, I guess I'll go with knife if it fits better in there. Here's an honest question. Why not two scoops? Oh. An ice cream scoop in every drawer.

Yeah, you mean like five. You need five scoops. Five scoops. That's my answer. Five scoops. Gene, have you been watching the TV show The Traders? I haven't. I've been saving it up.

I've been saving it up. This season in particular. You don't want to be left waiting week by week like me, like a dumb like me. Save it up. We recently had a survivor contestant, two-time survivor contestant, Francesca Hockey, on our show. And someone from Traders is coming to the show soon. Really? Really?

Really? This is a big deal. And in general, I would love to hear some more disputes about reality shows, whether it's traitors or whether it's Survivor or whether it's below deck or whatever you're watching, loving to watch, loving to watch, whatever it is. Let us know. Are you Team Candace or Team Rob R? Will the original New York Housewives move from Bravo to E.B. Good?

Or should they have stayed on pause? our competition shows the best kind of reality TV or is it just slice of lifers like them Vanderpump rules give us all of your hot takes on unscripted television at maximum fun.org slash jj-j-ho and indeed we want to hear all of your disputes about any topics send them all in big or small we rules on them all maximum fund.org slash jjah-h-o

that's the show we'll talk to you next time on the judge John Hodgman podcast Maximum Fun A worker-owned network Of artists' own shows Supported directly by you Why isn't anyone Looking at me Why isn't anyone playing with me

Why isn't anyone feeding me It's little Boom-Bum-Bum-Bum-Bum