Judge John Hodgman - Novus Annus, Novum Judicium

Episode Date: January 8, 2015

Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse ring in the new year with some docket clearing.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, we're clearing the docket. Welcome to 2015. Should old acquaintance be forgot and meow meow old Lang Syne. lang syne meow meow meow meow meow meow old lang syne you know what's crazy no one ever learned the words to that song

I thought I didn't know the words but then as soon as I started singing I kind of felt them rush back into my mind and they just kind of came out of my mouth yeah cats wrote that song Scottish cats Scottish cats back into my mind and they just kind of came out of my mouth yeah cats wrote that song yeah scottish cats scottish cats cats wrote that song because they love parties

um okay here's something from jason do you know something jonathan colton is my dear friend my dear friend. Sure, I know him. And one time, years and years ago, probably 22 years ago, would be my guess. We were over at my friend Charles Diggs' house.

Charles had recently gotten sober, having had his troubles with alcohol. And we were supporting him by going over to his house to watch E.T. and drink a whole lot of Diet Coke and Fresca. And there was a cat in this apartment,

and we were grown men. And the cat, we had a whole bunch of saltines, and the cat was just licking those saltines. And we were making a note about how much that cat loves saltines. And Charles said, well, you know how cats love crackers and jonathan said that's why we have that saying he's happier than a than a cat in a cracker barrel and i think about it probably once a month and it still makes me laugh and informed it was one of those moments where I learned how to make a joke.

No, he said, he's happier than a cat with crackers. I still think that about people, and I think I've said it out loud at times, confusing everyone around me. It's true that cats love to lick things. Well, Happy New Year to you, Jesse. And to you, Judge Hodgman. Do you have any New Year's resolutions this year?

As always, I will resolve and have resolved to not look at the Internet ever while lying down. That is to say, don't read Twitter in bed. Because that just keeps you up all night. And instead, read a book book which puts you to sleep immediately but even though we are recording this uh before the actual date that it is released i am certain that i've broken this resolution every night i have a question about uh reading books. What? I guess my question is just,

how do you know if you've gotten any star points? Oh, how do you keep score when reading books? Yeah. So that you can up-level? Yeah. Just go online and check your stats. Oh, great. Thank God.

They ought to have that. I don't want to buzz market a. Thank God. They ought to have that. I don't want to buzz market a particular website, but they ought to have that built into Goodreads, right? You mean Star Points? Star Points. And retweets? Star Points, retweets, upthumbs, comments, relikes... Double thumbs. If there was an adult equivalent of the San Francisco Public Library's summer reading program, wherein you got points and prizes, including San Francisco Giants tickets, based on the number of pages you read over the summer...

Yeah. I would read so much. I would literally read as much as I read as a child, which was a lot. And, you know, with your with your electro books, there's no reason that can't that can't be tabulated in some server somewhere. John, I think I'm only putting the pieces for this together right now. But I think I pretty much stopped reading recreationally around the time when I stopped getting points for it that would get me tickets to Giants games. I had always thought that it was when I had to do a lot of reading for work. And so that took up my reading time. But no, I think it's the Giants tickets. I'm sure there is some in San Francisco in particular, I'm sure there is some tech startup, sanctimony monger, internet utopian, who could put together some,

who get angel funding for some kind of application that would track your reading across various reading platforms, Electrobook platforms, and earn you prizes or woofies, which is I think Cory Doctorow's generic term for internet status, for the number of pages of books that you read with an algorithm that gives you more status for the harder the book is and less status for how many Hardy Boys mysteries you read, although those are pretty hard to get through, I have to say. And then you can turn those in for whatever or whatever.

and then you can turn those in for whatever or whatever, and then that person would become a gazillionaire, and then that person would hire someone who would talk about stalking journalists who say bad things about them, and then it would be a bad deal. That's a reference to Uber, which I am happy to buzz demarket. I was so creeped out by what that guy, and his name is Emile Michael, said. I had to stop using the service because it was just too gross and he should have resigned and he didn't. And so I'm happy to buzz to market Uber, unless he's left since the new year and I've started using it again. And as always, it pains me to do it. There's one other brand name that I will mention, which is Moxie Soda, that is still not sponsoring our podcast for reasons that are inexplicable to me.

A son of New England. Hurt personally. Still drink the product, though. All right, let's move on to other injustices. Jason writes, a few months ago, I went on a fishing trip with my friend of 15 years. Jason writes, A few months ago I went on a fishing trip with my friend of 15 years. While crabbing, for a good hour using hand lines,

we caught many small crabs that were below the legal limit and one beautiful gargantuan blue crab of over 7 inches, which we could keep. We only had the one crab to go around, but it was large enough to keep, cook, and eat as an appetizer. My friend felt that since there was but one crab, it was better to release it back into the water. I was angry and left hungry for delicious Chesapeake Bay blue crab meat. Judge Hodgman, I'd like you to compel my friend to keep, cook, and eat all crustaceans deemed large enough for consumption by the state of Virginia in future.

stations deemed large enough for consumption by the state of Virginia in future. First of all, I take issue, Jason, with your use of gargantuan to describe something that is seven inches long. Just like gargantua. Unless you're a miniature person, what if these are many people? I mean, I'm talking about like five inch high Lilliputians of virginia if there were a community of five inch high doll people who were who were who were feeding themselves off seven inch gargantua crabs and would ride around on dragonflies i would be really happy in this new year but i think you're a normal size person who just went for normal-sized crabbing, and you caught one normal-sized crab.

And I am not a hunter nor a crabber, but I believe a man or a woman should enjoy the fruits of his own crabbing. I do not understand the logic of your so-called friend saying, if you catch one crab, throw it back. If you catch one crab, enjoy the half a gram of usable meat you will get out of that creature it is your it is your it is your right for randomly being assigned alpha predator status on this earth i suppose if there is literally any creature on earth for whom there are more uses which involve very little of its actual meat

like if there's no there's no type of meat for which there are more recipes designed to stretch that meat right right like a crab cake is like 10 crab and 50% carbohydrates and 40% eggs, right? Crab cakes get filled out a lot. So make something that fills... So take your three ounces of meat or two ounces of meat and stretch it to appetizer size. Everyone can enjoy it. Take your three ounces of crab meat

and add a little quail's egg to it and maybe crush up a single crouton and make yourself a tiny crab cake and then feed your whole Lilliputian village in the imaginary Virginian Lilliputian village of tiny people that I imagine and love and call Hodgman Corners, Virginia. Here's something from Joe. Judge Hodgman, I seek a clarification on your ruling in the case failure to appear. You said there should be some buffer zone of time before someone asks friends and family to come see the life they've made in a new place.

I moved to a new city about two months ago. Every time I speak to my mom on the phone, she seems to drop a hint about coming out to see me. In this new city, I have no job, I live in a two-bedroom apartment with four other people, and I don't have much of a handle on fun things to see and do where I live because all my time has been spent looking for work. Judge, would you rule that just as there is an appropriate buffer zone in which to build a new life before one can compel others to come and see it, there is also a similar buffer zone before a person is forced to put that new life on display? Yes, I would so rule.

You know the feelings of this court. What is good for the buffer is good for the buffed. you know the feelings of this court. What is good for the buffer is good for the buffed. The gentleman is making reference to an earlier case where a woman had moved overseas, and where was she living? In Denmark or something? Oh, Norway.

It was Norway, yeah. She was living in Norway, and she was trying to compel her dad to come visit there, and she'd only lived there for a little while and didn't have a very comfortable place for him to stay. And I said, you can't compel anyone to come visit there and she'd only lived there for a little while and didn't have a very comfortable place for him to stay and i said you can't compel anyone to come visit you particularly overseas until you have established a life there uh where you have a guest bedroom with a comfortable bed because that will be an indication that you're not pulling up stakes anytime soon to some other country that meets your whim,

where you're then going to force your dad to visit you again. Settle down before you take in visitors. And I think it's perfectly reasonable of Joe to tell his mom, hang on a second, mom. I am living in utter squalor in some weird squat with 17 guys in two bedrooms or whatever it is. I don't even have a job yet. I've only been here for eight weeks. Please give me a chance to get settled so that I can host you properly. Now, what I suspect is going on here is that Joe has moved to a good city.

You know what I'm talking about, right, Jesse? A good city. A place where moms want to visit. Sure, because they want to see Broadway shows. Because they want to see Broadway shows. Or they want to see Boston's The Freedom Trail. Or the Miracle Mile of Chicago. Is that true?

No. Los Angeles? Los Angeles? Where's? Or the Miracle Mile of Chicago. Is that true? No. Los Angeles? Where is... The Miracle Lanes of Los Angeles. Or the Great Canals of Chicago. Or the fire pits of San Francisco. Or the barbecue vats of Austin, Texas.

You know, you've moved. So you've moved to a place that's good. And your mom was looking for.... And your mom was looking for, I bet your mom was looking for free lodging so she can go shopping. Or alternately, maybe she just wants to see her son. I don't know. But I would say if you do not have work and you're living in a two bedroom apartment with four other people, you have a right to say to your mom, I would like to get a little bit more settled. And I would like to host you properly. And it may be some time before I can.

So let me get a job and then I'll spot you to a night in a hotel, mom. Don't let her come around and just eat your food and go shopping. Here's something from Maggie. This dispute is between myself, a 12-year-old, and my 10-year-old brother. So far, so good. I love it. He's constantly pestering me to spend time with him, while I'm no longer interested in the activities he wishes to participate in. He says that I'm becoming unhealthily introverted, and that he has a right to spend time with me. I say that he needs to leave me alone and accept that I am not his personal entertainment system.

I would like to speak to Maggie's 10-year-old brother. Brother, I will refer to you as Bubba. Bubba, Sissy, that is your older sister, is going through some changes. Now I know this because let's just say I live with two human children who are about the same age and the same gender disparity. 12 year old going on 13 year old female, nine year old going on 10 year old boy. They get along together fine. They're like living with another married couple. Sometimes they love each other. Sometimes they hate each other. But Sissy, when she's 12 going on 37 or however old she is, is making some quantum leaps developmentally, psychologically, physically that will seem confusing to you. And you need to prepare yourself for the fact

that your beloved older sister is going to be a monster to you and is going to be extremely mean to you. Not all the time. Sometimes she'll still be that lovable playmate that you've always enjoyed. But sometimes Maggie is going to be a real jerk. She's going to do some jerky things, such as write to people on the internet complaining about you when all you want to do is play.

I urge you, Bubba, to endure this with as much grace as you can muster. It does not mean that she does not love you. Indeed, I believe she loves you very much. She simply cannot control her moods her temper her mind or her body in any way right now and it's driving her crazy as much as it's driving you crazy so hang in there bubba maggie you may listen again now all i'm gonna ask you to do maggie is rewind and listen to what I just said to Bubba. Take it easy on the kid.

Don't need to complain to strange adults on the internet about him. Give him some love. And when you feel like screaming at everyone around you, uh, go do it in the public library. That's what I tell my daughter to do. And it works. Here's something from Matthew.

I usually talk to my friend over chat throughout the workday. We work in separate offices. He often goes to the bathroom to read on his nook. I find this disturbing, as I have no idea how you can relax in a bathroom with all the smells and sounds that are associated with that room. He even sometimes tells me about the sounds he can hear. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them

by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really?

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A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Which, again, I find disgusting. He argues it's perfectly normal to go to the bathroom to read on his nook, as it's more private. He once sent me an audio clip of the sounds he could hear which i could submit as evidence in my favor as to why it's disgusting now please tell us who's right who's wrong first of all matthew shame on you for mentioning that brand name not once but twice that said i find it almost endearing that someone would attempt to buzz market a nook on this program.

Given that I don't think they're doing so well, that nook. So if what you're saying to me is true... I have five zoons. There's a t-shirt right there. I have five zoons. Ask me about my five zoons. Presuming that Matthew is not some sort of weird antique technology creep who's just using a nook ironically, and that he's actually using this thing to read while engaging in bathroom activities,

I have no problem with what he does by himself in the bathroom. You may not understand how it's possible to relax and read and get woofy points for reading Wuthering Heights while on the can. But this guy just wants to boost up his score so he can get some free Giants tickets and good for him. tickets and good for him. That said, if the Nook is actually enabled with devices that allow him to capture the sights and sounds of a bathroom in his office and send them over the internet, then that guy should have his Wi-Fi taken away forever. Because that is harassment of you. It's also illegal in most states ask your friend matthew if he would be equally comfortable describing what he's experiencing inside a private

bathroom stall at the top of his lungs to anyone who happens to be using the urinal nearby chances are your friend will say i I do feel fine with that. Of narrating my process while inside the stall to anyone who might pass by. I think it's hilarious. And that's how you know your friend's a weirdo. Yes, I think that he is doing the wrong thing. Unfortunately, as we have seen in so many cases of cyberbullying, there's not a lot this court can do to shut him down.

I would say cut off all communication with him for a month. And stop chatting at work and get back to work, deadbeats. Can I clarify one point? I said that it was illegal in most states to record the sounds of a bathroom and then send them to your friend. It is possible that this guy asked permission first of the people whose bathroom sounds he was recording before he sent them to his friend. In which case, it would be legal in basically every state, I think. So just for point of clarification, I want it to be clear.

I don't want to get any emails. Here's something from Joshua. Oh, by the way, everything from here on out is just about why we were wrong. Why the listeners were wrong. No, no, no, why you and I were wrong. Mostly you. Interesting. All right, I'll allow it. Here, no, no. Why you and I were wrong. Mostly you. Interesting. All right.

I'll allow it. Here's something from Josh. But tread carefully, counselor. In episode number 152, A Reigning Cats and Dogs, you ruled on a docket case about consuming food in a grocery store before buying it. I've spent a fair amount of time working in a grocery store. I believe your ruling was completely wrong. You stated that it's absolutely acceptable to open up a drink in a store and begin consuming it, then pay for it on the way out. But I can tell you from an employee's perspective, it does put us on edge. We will frequently find half-consumed items tucked behind products on shelves. Even worse is the produce or bulk food items that people graze on while shopping. Those items are sold by weight, so you can't pay for what you eat in the store. A shopper who wants to consume something while they're shopping should buy it and use a purchase sticker or keep a receipt on them. If they don't,

what they're doing is stealing and would provoke a response from any competent security guard who may be dressed in plain clothes. Judge Odgman, I ask you to revise your judgment. Dramatic reading provided by Jesse Thorne. Well, I do feel the hot breath of private security on my neck. And I have to confess that I think Joshua has a very strong point. When I, and this is something that happens often, open up a can of soda and drink it in the store i know that it's fully my intention to pay for it but the people around me including and especially those plainclothes store security guards the the grocery marshals of the of the produce aisle do not know what my intention is and it will put them

on edge and i don't want anyone to be on edge and i think you're absolutely right there is an alternative that i had not considered which is you may go and purchase the thing and put a purchased sticker on it and then walk through the store and everyone feels comfortable which is of course my only goal and it also advocates uh more use of stickers which i love grocery stickers are great what's your favorite grocery sticker jesse oh you know uh my son tends to get like a ream of 20 or 30 stickers from the check from the cashiers at a certain grocery chain known for their store branded products and weirdly

packaged produce it's operated by a certain trader whose name I simply can't recall but they are they are very liberal with the stickers. It really means a lot to my son.

So thank you to them for that. Especially if you go into an old school grocery. Speaking of crab, I remember I once got a roll of stickers that just said live crab. Put that all over your apartment, all over your books, all over your collages. It's great. So yeah. All right, Joshua, you make a good point i will cede to your logic pay for the thing put a paid sticker on it let the world know that you are in

compliance with the law don't anger the grocery marshals or they will take you down moving on so here is some listener sleuthing it It comes to us from listener Priztats. Is that a name or a 4chan handle? I guess 4chan would be anonymous. Is it a hacker handle? I can only presume so. You know what I'm worried about? Have you heard about this guy?

This is a thing that went down in LA. This murderer was in a gang and he murdered someone. This was like 10 years ago or something. He murdered this person.

And then he got a full chest tattoo that was like a symbolic map of the murder then he got arrested for something else and in los angeles uh because of the prevalence of gangs and and gang tattoos and so on and so forth uh when you get your headshot taken when you're arrested they also take a picture of your tattoos if you have tattoos, because often the tattoos are a distinguishing mark. And the guy who looked at this picture of the tattoos in this police station happened to have worked at a different police station when this murder happened 10 years or so ago recognized the complicated system of symbols uh i can't gosh

i can't remember but it was something like the guy who had the tattoo was pictured in the tattoo shooting some kind of animal that symbolized someone that had ratted on your gang and it was in front of a realistic depiction of a store, which is where the murder actually happened. And the guy got the guy. They they set him up with somebody in in his cell after he got arrested to talk to him about this. You know, a stool pigeon. Yeah. And on tape, he confessed to this murder that this cop recognized from his tattoo.

he confessed to this murder that this cop recognized from his tattoo. So I guess the moral of the story is if you want to get away with murder, don't have the location and particulars of the murder tattooed on your body. Yeah, he thought he was pulling an Edgar Allan Poe, a purloined letter, going to hide it in plain sight. Yeah, but it did not work out for that guy to the benefit of all of us and of law and order in America. And probably eventually the television program Law and Order, which will do a version of this in its rip from the headline style. So you're saying that this convicted murderer with the prison tattoo may in fact be the Priz Tats who has written in to us and is now solving his own crimes?

I don't have any proof. Unlike Priztats, I'm not a sleuth. All right. However, it puts me in mind of this terrifying gentleman of whom a picture I saw in the Los Angeles Times. Well, let's hear what Priztats has sleuthed out of the internet. During the burden of goof, you mentioned a prank call you'd heard years ago, but hadn't been able to track down since.

I'm not 100% sure if this is correct, but I think the prank caller you quoted may be a person or persons named Longmont Potion Castle. He's been prank calling since the late 1980s, I think. He still occasionally puts out new material to this day. His work is wildly surreal and I think far too unknown for how ahead of its time and hilarious it is. Here are some examples of the many prank calls LPC has made. I hope this is a step in the right direction or at least a new source of entertainment. a new source of entertainment.

Well, with permission from the anonymous Priztats and presumably the anonymous Longmont Potion Castle, if they are in fact two different people or an internet collective or whatever they are, I hope that we will be able to feature a short selection from some of these prank calls that Priztats submitted from the oeuvre of Longmont Potion Castle. I have listened to them, and I think they are brilliant. And here is the thing.

I am not a huge fan of pranks. I listened to those jerky boys like crazy. I enjoyed them because I was younger. I was a sociopath. I didn't appreciate that other humans had feelings. Now I are a little bit more tuned in and I appreciate that that pranks invariably have victims. And sometimes the victims, the people who are not in the know, come to enjoy what's going on or appreciate its beauty and majesty and and enjoy it and sometimes they don't know what's going on or sometimes they're so monstrous uh that uh the that who cares that they're being attacked by say a random phone pranker and sometimes the prank

itself is just so weird and beautiful uh that my concern for the other human is a little bit overshadowed by the weird dream logic that a person like Longmont Potion Castle is weaving when he makes these calls to sporting goods stores asking if they can outfit him as a swamp donkey. And by that, if i understand the prank correctly he does not mean a swamp donkey being some kind of person who knows the swamp really well and has special swamp boots he wants to be dressed as an animal called a swamp donkey and the journey that the guy on the other end goes through as he begins to understand what

is going on and goes through contempt and then appreciation and then a weird kind of affinity for longmont potion castle is an amazing thing to listen to and it truly is a work i think of absurdist art and he has been doing it for a long time whoever priz tats may be whoever longmont potion castle may be i am grateful to these anonymous creatures in the world who brought this strange body of work to my attention and i apologize to any who may feel uh victimized by calls, but I do think that they are pretty beautifully weird and brilliant and deserve a listen. And quite a few of them are online. Not all of them are suitable for kids.

There's some strong language in some of them, but for the most part, take a listen. But for all of that, none of them is the specific one that I was thinking of. So I will make once more an entreaty to the listeners of all the Internet, because I believe, Jesse, this show has grown so popular that we're now listened to by all the Internet. Right. I think that's true. Right. Oh, wait. No, sorry.

I'm thinking of Serial, the podcast Serial. Well, you know what? Maybe this is maybe this is serial season two or maybe you and i maybe you and i will do our own serial where you and i track down not merely who made but the recording that has disappeared that was on the cassette handed to me by Charles Diggs, and I would guess 1990, the cassette that I've since lost had a lot of those original Jerky Boys calls on it. It also had one call from a man doing a fake Louisiana accent calling an exterminator saying, I want to know what we're going to do about the bugs because I could turn this into a street fight. This ain't experienced. This ain't qualified.

What are we going to do about the bugs? of those words and i have found nothing to confirm that my memory of this call which i considered to be extremely funny at the time is real and existed sadly it is not a longmont potion castle i recognize i would recognize that voice in a second if i heard it and And Longmont Potion Castle, whoever he is, has his own very sort of deadpan sort of Joel from Mystery Science Theater 3000 voice. Anyone out there can find this thing. You and me and Jesse together, we're going to make the next number one bestselling serialized mystery podcast of all time. the next number one best-selling serialized mystery podcast of all time. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. We love to check out all of the cases of all of the types.

Our show is edited by Mark McConville, produced by Julia Smith. You can get tickets for MaxFunCon at MaxFunCon.com. As we record this, tickets are quickly selling out. I don't even know if they'll still be available by the time this show is on the Internet. But whether or not they are, either buy your tickets or get on the wait list. We do usually get people in off the wait list. And gee whiz, I don't know what else to tell you. Go to MaximumFun.reddit.com to talk about us on the Reddit. Use the hashtag JJHO on Twitter. Love to look at those tweets about Judge John Hodgman. Our forum is forum.maximumfun.org

and you can join us on Facebook at facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman or in the MaximumFun.org Facebook group. And if you have a case and you want to submit it directly to me, Hodgman at MaximumFun.org or via the website MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho, which you may have already said. But I just want to reiterate that I do look at all these things personally. I respond personally to everyone that I can. If you don't hear from me, it may be because we're considering taking on the case. So keep those cards and letters coming. That's all. We'll talk to you next time on Judge John Hodgman's podcast.

I want to know what we're going to do about the bugs, Jesse. This isn't experience. This isn't qualified. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Qualified.