Judge John Hodgman - Oh, Goodie

Episode Date: October 21, 2015

Judge John Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorn clear out the docket, addressing issues of late-night hot tubbing, cuddling in theaters, rug placement and taking photos with Wayne Gretzky.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're clearing the docket this week. How are you, Judge Hodgman? Whoa. Whoa. Hold on. It sounds like you're super spooky this week. Halloween is coming. Welcome to my chambers. halloween is coming welcome to my chambers i i'm not going i'm not going to do this entire episode in the voice of famed monologuist and performance artist edgar oliver who you may have heard on the moth story hour and who has been telling stories in new york city forever and always talks like this but it is one of my favorite voices to do maybe i will save this one for halloween but you can see that i am putting up my halloween decorations here in chambers

judge hodgman did you do that impression in your snl audition they're like bring two celebrity impressions oh two well how about edgar oliver and jonathan ames it does sound a little like jonathan ames i think there may have been some crossover but if you got it do yourself a favor everybody if you haven't heard of edgar oliver go on go on to the internet type in edgar oliver spelled in the traditional manners and listen to him tell one of his incredible stories of growing up in savannah georgia and he's such an amazing storyteller and he really does talk like that and i met him one time and i said i'm going to go see your show this afternoon and he said oh good year one of the great great moments of my life

maybe i'll do a halloween episode in edgar oliver voice yeah but yeah i didn't i didn't use him for i didn't use jonathan ames to audition for SNL. It was Edgar Oliver and Ayn Rand, obviously. Got it. Got it. Uh, you want to get to the docket here?

Yes, I do. Let me just put my dry ice away. Apparently you weren't interested in that. Yeah. And I, I, I think the like whole,

uh, you know, the whole grapes for eyeballs thing really only works when the lights are out. I mean, you just showed me a bucket full of peeled grapes and said hey look it's eyeballs i i actually was shining shining a flashlight on them and i said check it out these grapes are supposed to be eyeballs are you scared yet yeah you know what it is it's uh it's anti-spook it's like anti-comedy

of of of haunted houses so this is your third impression for Saturday Night Live was Norm MacDonald? Yeah, exactly. Norm MacDonald's haunted house. Hey, look at this. It's some scary stuff. What are you, scared? Yeah, yeah. Are you scared yet?

Okay, here's something from Christine. Last month, I attended your show at the Wilbur Theater in Boston. Thank you, Christine. Good decision on your part. I agree. It was a terrific show, but one thing kept me from enjoying it fully. The couple sitting directly in front of me frequently bent their heads together and cuddled. While this may sound adorable, their cuddling completely blocked my view of you on stage every time they did this.

My boyfriend encouraged me during the show to say something to them, but I couldn't bring myself to break them up. Even if I'd done it politely, I worried that I would embarrass them. Judge Hodgman, was my boyfriend right? Should I have asked them to cut it out? Or did I do the right thing in letting them cuddle on their date? What's your take on the etiquette of cuddling in theaters and cinemas before i reveal my take on the etiquette of cuddling in theaters and cinemas jesse do you have do you have a take well my first take is that a cinema is a type of theater good point yeah i don't know it seems it just seems like a little bit much to like to to be separating uh theatrical from legit uh fair enough and then with regard to i'm not sure

what cuddling means does it mean touching heads does it mean arm over arm does it mean kissing but do you have a take on on what on what happened to this poor young person who was so nice to come to my show and lost a master's? Yeah, my take is if you can't see the show, it's perfectly reasonable to ask them in a very polite way. They're probably very nice people themselves. That's why they're cuddling. And, you know, it's not like you went to a cuddle party and you're asking people to stop cuddling. I absolutely agree with you jesse you're i for not only is it completely appropriate if someone's blocking your view to simply say uh i'm sorry i can't see um and they may be terrible people and tell you to buzz off but

probably not probably they'll go oh sorry and then you'll be able to see not only is that perfectly appropriate i don't understand why you're being bullied by your boyfriend into saying something why doesn't your if your boyfriend is so interested in clearing your view why doesn't he do the thing himself he can just say um i'm sorry we can't see or why does he switch seats with you what's wrong with your boyfriend that's my i think that's really the question that's the crux of this well i think the crux of it is why aren't she and her boyfriend cuddling well i'll tell you why because hearing that there is a couple cuddling in my audience um that that drives me a little crazy i don't want you guys cuddling i want you guys sitting forward without tall hats on or big hairdos in your in your proper

sight line with rapt attention laughing and enjoying and appreciating the hard work comedy monologue that I am giving to you I'm not giving you guys an opportunity to neck I'm not a sunset I'm not the submarine races on happy days I'm a guy giving you

everything pay attention to me stop touching your heads and blocking people's view and no big hats and big hairdos our apologies to dolly parton and porter wagner let me say something about big hairdos just do your hair whatever you want that's fine don't worry about that if you have naturally big hair what can i say but no no 10 gallon hats how many gallons is like the maximum number of gallons zero gallons first of all don't wear yeah it's called your head don't wear a hat in the theater it's not it's not not even if you're a woman these days does it make sense to wear a hat in a theater when you say a theater are you

referring to a cinema or a legit theater i'm referring to well the wilbur theater which you know the uh that's a wonderful theater where i've played a couple of times and I really like I really love performing there. But it is an old theater and older theaters tend to be a little trickier with with regard to the sight lines. when you are going to the theater that you realize we're all in it together and that you make efforts, if possible, to not block people behind you and equally be sensitive if someone behind you says, I can't see because you guys are necking right in front of me

and it's disgusting. Here's something from Jonathan. I work nights and stay nocturnal during most of my nights off. One of my favorite pastimes is to soak in our backyard hot tub during the wee hours while I listen to podcasts and look at the stars. May I just interject to say at this point, dude is weird. All right, go on. Dude is magical.

Dude has an extraordinary lifestyle. All right, you know what? I'll allow it. Go on. I'll decide. Unfortunately, our neighbor's exterior light shines directly on the tub, ruining my stargazing. The light is on an automatic timer that goes on at sunset. We've planted landscaping to block the light, but it will take years before it grows big enough to do so.

My first idea was to swap out the light in their fixture with a remote- controlled light bulb so that I can turn it off when I'm tubbing. My wife pointed out that it's illegal to tamper with someone else's light. My second idea was to make a gift of the light bulb to them, justifying it by saying that it has less glare and is more energy efficient, both true, but not mentioning the remote control feature. My wife maintains this idea is still really creepy. I see her point, but I want my dark skies back. There are no safety issues with occasionally turning off the outside light that I see. Please order my wife to let me give our neighbors a new light bulb so I can soak and stargaze in peace slash trick them. I added that last part. I can provide photos of the light and topographic maps of our property. This is

essentially the same conflict as the last question, which is, to what extraordinary lengths can I go to avoid interacting with another human being? Well, yes, that is the purpose of all technology. I was just at an event where a person, a relationship expert was being asked about Tinder and she said, the truth is Tinder is just like

every other application on your phone, whether it is to solicit hugging and kissing or get delivery of food or get a car to pick you up. It is all rejection avoidance. It is all designed so you no longer have to have a human negotiation of any kind. You live close enough to your neighbor for this to be a problem. So you live in a city. What stars are you going to see?

Anyway, none Venus, maybe it's not even a star. Yeah. That's a planet. I think it's a planet or an asteroid. Right. So obviously,

you know, don't temper or attempt to sabotage your neighbor's light. Own up to your weird habit and, and simply ask them about it. See if they would consider adjusting the timing uh you know what he could do is go over to his neighbors and say here's the situation i am a magical centaur who likes to stay up all night listening to podcasts taking a presumably nude hot tub between 2 and 4 a.m and oh are you still here or have you run away okay you're still here let me tell you your light is bothering me and you know maybe maybe they'll turn it off maybe maybe they'll turn it off because they know there

there is no security risk because you're always out there in your tub watching, watching, watching, watching the neighborhood from your hot water foxhole. But they may say no. The truth is, if you're close enough to your neighbors that the light is getting in your eyes, you may not be, frankly, in a position where you can just stargaze from a hot tub all night long. Maybe you have to move to Montana or something. tub all night long maybe you have to uh move to montana or something but absolutely do not tamper do not tamper with your neighbor's property do not trick them in any way and if the shrubbery that you've planted to block the light is uh is taking too long to grow pull it out and plant some trees like get some big old trees yeah it's possible to buy large shrubbery i mean it's more

expensive don't get me wrong but you're the one who's doing the weird thing it's more expensive than than tricking your neighbors with a novelty remote control light bulb that's true god i would love to trick my neighbors not all of my neighbors most of my neighbors are really nice but i have this one neighbor who once called me and told me that she's a lioness and i shouldn't cross her i would love to trick that neighbor i don't know on what like what i would use to trick her or like what the consequences would be i wouldn't be something that like hurt her it would just be something funny but oh like i was gonna suggest putting a lion in her yard i mean that's pretty funny i'm laughing now the point is tall light blocking shrubbery makes good neighbors like here's an idea what if every time she turned on the water in her house like soap bubbles came

out that would be fun Don't trick your neighbors. Yeah, that's true. Buy bigger and bigger concealing shrubs and trees. That's what makes good neighbors. Here's something from Andrew. Several times on the podcast, you've mentioned the philosophy of Marie Kondo regarding the dismissal of clothing,

which does not bring one joy. I attempted this today and have discovered that I own almost no clothing which brings me joy. I have some nostalgia for a pair of bright green socks worn to my sister-in-law's wedding, and there's a burgundy polo shirt which always seems to make me look better in pictures. But the only garments I own which bring me genuine joy are a well-loved long-sleeved t-shirt from better than ezra's 1998 world tour which my wife has asked i not leave the house in and a hawaiian flower shirt which i have only ever worn to parties with a tiki theme i attend parties with this theme about once a year as we have

friends with a pool and questionable taste obviously his friends have questionable taste. Obviously, number one. His friends have questionable taste? Number one, they're called Aloha shirts. Okay. I'm just saving him from a lot of trouble, you know? Yeah, gotcha. From Hawaiians and Tiki enthusiasts both. Obviously, I can't throw out all my clothes, so how can I find clothes which bring me joy,

or how can I find joy in the clothes I already have? Oh, no, throw out all your clothes. Yeah, Just throw out all your clothes. Yeah. It's time. First of all, the nostalgia you feel for those socks. Nostalgia is not joy. Nostalgia is a delusion that things were better before. Uh, and, uh, and everything now is worse, which is, uh, every, every, every impulse towards that is false. Yeah. I mean, it's one of the only ways to feel any kind of fond feeling towards the band Better Than Ezra. Exactly. And if the only thing that brings you joy is a burgundy polo and a 1998 tour concert tee for any band, never mind Better Than Ezra. The problem is that you have outgrown your 1998 taste, which was not good to begin with. But it is definitely now time to

start over. Look, it sounds like we're being extremely mean to Andrew. And I apologize, Andrew. I'm sure there are great betterness for songs and great concert teas. And things mean things from that era mean something to you. But as I say, nostalgia, whether it's the socks that you wore to your sister's wedding or this concert tee, nostalgia is never joy. It is the longing for an imaginary past that you think is better. But you are now in the future. And people outgrow their taste. And sometimes they outgrow their taste and they don't know what their new taste is.

So the truth is, if you lay hands on every piece of clothing and the only thing you like is this T-shirt and these socks, you have to start over. And that happens from time to time. People's tastes change just as their bodies change. And the things that looked good on them when they were younger don't look good on them now. Not merely because they might be a little fatter or skinnier or whatever it is, but also because they're more mature, and they look better in a different style or kind of clothing. I've gone through, and I'll buzz market this all day long. I had to go to Toronto to do six episodes of Match Game in a single day

and make it look like it was six different days. I had to bring six different outfits to the set, and in Toronto I didn't know what I was going to do. So I went over to Brooks Brothers. And I had always turned my nose up at Brooks Brothers. But I found that Brooks Brothers and I have an affinity now that I am in my 40s that is almost magical. And dressing in Brooks Brothers, not only does that fit me really well, and dressing in Brooks Brothers.

Not only does that fit me really well, but I've found that I actually end up looking younger and feeling more vibrant in some of the more casual clothes. I don't know how you feel about Brooks Brothers, Jesse. I think it's a solid brand. Yeah, I feel really good about Brooks Brothers, honestly. And that kind of magical affinity for clothing will exist for you. It may be a certain brand, a certain look, a certain style, but you have the wonderful experience now of discovering it.

So what I would do is go to the mall in your town or go to the place where there's the highest concentration of different kinds of stores and just start trying things on in different kinds of stores. Take some chances. Try on things that are a little more formal than you would wear or things that are a little bit more informally wear. Try out colors that you've never worn before.

See how you look. See how you feel. Bring your spouse or a friend or someone who can be neutral and honest with you and you will, in this process, Bring your spouse or a friend or someone who can be neutral and honest with you. And you will, in this process, I guarantee you, find those items of clothing that cause you joy. And it's a fun thing to do. Obviously, there is an expense involved. And if that's of issue, by all means, look, keep paying the rent.

Keep feeding your children if you have them maybe do the same thing by going to a thrift or a vintage store or goodwill store because there's remarkable stuff to be found there follow uh put this on which is jesse's menswear blog sometimes they they're incredible. I mean, you still offer links to those incredible deals on eBay and other auction sites for vintage menswear, right? Twice a week, three times if you give us five bucks a month. And just start exploring who you are now as a person who needs to wear clothes as part of the societal compact. Jesse, do you disagree with me? I agree with you completely. I think the one thing that I would add, or the two things that I would add to that. One is I will just offhandedly mention a few brands worth considering, like shops that you could go to where you might find something that I think a lot of people find who are rebuilding their wardrobe, find something.

And, you know, it'll depend on what suits you and what appeals to you. But these are my recommendations as a professional menswear writer. I'm going to write this down. I think probably J.Crew is your best bet for stores that are in, you know, within driving distance of almost all of America, especially on sale. I think their retail prices are a little bit high, but they have America, especially on sale. I think their retail prices are a little bit high, but they have very deep discounts on sale. And they make stylish, reasonably well-made clothes for good prices on sale. There's a company called Suit Supply, which makes several different styles of really attractive tailored clothes if you wear any tailored clothes for work or, you know, obviously you need to own a suit for weddings and funerals and job interviews and so on and so forth.

I think that they are a really reasonably priced for what you get brand. And if you don't have one near your house, they offer free returns from their internet website. I think Uniqlo is probably the best, uh, is probably the best place to get, um, uh, sharp, modern, casual clothing for a very reasonable price. Uh, there are a number of stores around the United States, but you can also buy on their website these days. Um, uh, and I think Brooks Brothers is a great, a great place to go for,-level price tailored clothes and business clothes and so on and so forth. And yeah, I mean, I'm a big advocate of buying secondhand. So if you have the patience for it and know your size, you can do really well there. you can do really well there. I would also add one other thing, which is I think sometimes men especially think that this is like a problem that they should just like do math on a piece of

paper until they come to the solution and then solve it all at once. I would be hesitant to do that. I would say, feel free to take it slowly. You know, take some time to figure out what you like. And especially if what you like is relatively expensive compared to what you're used to spending, just know like you're a grown up, you can totally build a wardrobe over the course of five years. You don't have to just go out and buy everything right now. Oh, and Land's End. I really like the quality of Land's End. If you and Land's End. I really like the quality of Land's End. If you like kind of a plain conservative clothing, the quality of Land's End relative to the price is really excellent. And they have a kind of ironclad return policy. You can bring it

back to any Sears and you can return it for any reason, even if you've worn it for a long time. So yeah, this Brooks Brothers experience that I had was three years ago, and that was just the eye opener. It's not as though that fixed everything for me. What it suggested to me was, Yeah, this Brooks Brothers experience that I had was three years ago, and that was just the eye-opener. It's not as though that fixed everything for me. What it suggested to me was, oh, I'm a different person than I was 10 years ago, and it's not merely time for me to wear more grown-up clothes. I can actually experiment with all different kinds of clothes, and I've really enjoyed this experience in my life, so have fun.

We'll have more Judge John Hodgman when we come back in just a second. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast

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It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We are clearing the docket. Let's get to the next case. Here's something from Brad. I live with my

brother Joey and his boyfriend Sam as well as his cat Pie Whacket. Alternative cat name in an alternative household. I love it. In Brooklyn, New York. You'll be shocked. The choices were Brooklyn, New York or Portland, Maine or Portland, Oregon and we got Brooklyn, New York.

I enjoy our bare floors and didn't want a rug but my brother decided to get a giant rug and put it under the dining room table. The rug's ugly and also holds a lot of dirt and cat litter. Sam and I objected to the style and placement of the rug, but Joey will not budge. I appreciate that he made a large purchase and doesn't want to throw out the rug, but I hope the judge agrees with me and orders Joey to move the rug into his room. Before I make my verdict, Jesse, is there, do you have a hot take on the poop rug?

Yeah, I mean, under the dining room table seems like the wrong place to put the cat litter. Well, I agree, because look, if cat litter is getting into your dining room, that means the litter box is either in the dining room or worse, the kitchen. And that means this place is too small for you, your brother and his lover, which is my new podcast on the maximum. It's too small for you guys.

You need, you need to, I think the overall lesson here is you need to get your own place. But beyond that, I used to think stepping on cat litter was the worst thing in the world i had a cat beloved cat pd for almost two decades uh passed away as you know last year when i took him to a place to be professionally poisoned uh as part of my job as cat owner to usher him into his passing as peacefully as possible. And that is what happened. And then I went home and I finally swept up all that cat litter and knew what it was to

walk around in a house that did not have poop and shards of clay all over the place all the time. And it was amazing. It was amazing. But now I know there's something worse than stepping on cat litter. It's stepping on someone else's cat litter. It's stepping on someone else's cat litter. You're stepping on someone else's cat litter. And probably also the relationship between your brother and his boyfriend.

That said, okay, so get your own place if you can. That said, if you are all paying equal rent rent two against one rules and the rug should go if as i suspect you are dead beating off your brother sleeping on an arrow bed next to the litter box in the breakfast nook your vote doesn't count and it's between the husbands uh that's how the voting goes i wish you success but it is time to let your brother and his boyfriend have some peace and quiet in their home and let them fight it out without you. Here's something from Erica. My husband and I have a longstanding argument over the correct use of the terms up the street and down the street when referring specifically to our neighborhood. I believe that taking a left out of our house should be called up the street.

First, the compass direction when facing left is northeast, thus the term up makes sense, as north is most commonly considered up on a map. Second, the house and apartment numbers increase when walking in this direction, thus up also works in this context. However, my husband contends that taking a left out of our house is to be facing down the street. This is based on the fact that a creek behind our house runs parallel to our street flows to the left. Please resolve this issue and order my husband to start referring to taking a left out of our house as going up the street. In a north-south aligned street in a city or town with an established grid pattern

and a city or town with an established uptown and downtown corresponding to the northerly and southerly, roughly speaking, cardinal points of the compass, and especially if streets themselves are numbered, an increasing number as you go north direction trumps all if this describes your town you are correct left is up but this does not describe your town because you have a creek in the back of your house so you are at least in a suburban area maybe a rural area where there is likely no defined grid pattern no established north side or south side, no numbered streets, probably some stupid cul-de-sacs. And it's a quiet neighborhood because you've got nothing better to talk about than this. So in this case, we hereby order that you import some drug dealers and talk about those in a case such as this, where you're living in the in a suburb without a clear

north south street pattern or or or especially in the country uh elevation trumps everything else so if you are heading downhill even by the smallest increment as the flow of the water in the creek behind your house would suggest that is so then you are going down the street if it is even a street at all you're probably going down the road and i don't care about the house numbers at all that's that here's something from andrew this is a case against society in general whoa whoa whoa whoa that is not allowed on this podcast why are we allowing this i can't imagine a situation we would allow this the only the only exception i could imagine is if this if the case possibly involved hockey great wayne gretzky and his beautiful wife janet jones gretzky star of the

flamingo kid well is that what's happening here we'll have to see by reading the rest of the case well let's see i was waiting to park at a shopping mall when a car backed into me i got out of the case. Well, let's see. I was waiting to park at a shopping mall when a car backed into me. I got out of the car and saw there was no damage. Then I saw that the driver of the car... Well, would you look at this? What?

The driver of the car was Janet Jones Gretzky. My one true love. And her passenger was her husband, Wayne Gretzky, who got out of the car to give me his information.

Whoa. The situation then went from a minor inconvenience to an extremely cool situation. I shook his hand and told them not to worry, since there was no damage. In sharing this story, every friend, relative, and co-worker that I have spoken with is upset that at the very least I didn't get a picture with him. Other complaints are that I should have gotten an autograph. And of course, there are the nefarious suggestions that I should have committed felony insurance fraud. These seem like nice people. Yeah, exactly. I'm glad that they're suggesting specifically felony insurance fraud. Like,

they're like, yeah, you should have, like, no one was like, yeah, you should have done misdemeanor insurance fraud. I would like the judge to place an order upon society that they relax. Just because someone's a celebrity doesn't give one the right to ask them for stuff, especially when it's in the awkward position of just getting in a fender bender. Jesse, I think you know my position on this yeah i should have started a fight with him just to see what would happen see if you could win the great one uh i will not place an order on society to relax society will never relax but i will come down very harshly upon the creeps that are your friends relatives and co-workers.

To some degree, this is asked and answered. Going back to episode 18, the Colbert rap horror. Does a human have a right or even an obligation to collect a photo of a celebrity encounter when that celebrity is sighted in the wild? And the answer is no. It is not cool to collect photos with human beings, to post them on Facebook like they're taxidermed lion heads for display on your internet wall. Now, maybe to you, having evidence of encountering a hero

or someone you've just seen once on, let's say, a computer commercial is really important to you. And you don't care about acknowledging their basic humanity, right? And so you have to do it and you have to ask them for the photo. Look, that's fine. Go ahead and ask. But I, Judge Sean Hodgman, I'm going to tell you what your parents never did. Your parents probably told you, as they always do, it never hurts to ask. And that is 100% wrong. It always hurts to ask for whatever it is. Every time you ask for something, you are making a human moment into a transaction, and you are spending down your personal credibility and your capital. And sometimes you have to do it in order to get a job, in order to make a connection, in order to go on The Daily

Show as a guest. Sometimes you have to ask and debase yourself a little bit to get what you want or need. I have never found a situation where getting a photograph of myself with someone else is worth bothering them and making myself into a predator. And I think that you understand that when you ask a public figure for a photograph with them that person is not saying inside oh great yes please no they're they're saying okay and they do their job as a public person and obliging you they're doing you a favor. But you, Andrew, you did the right thing. You and Wayne and Janet got into a fender bender. That's a real human interaction. That's something that really happens. And when that happens, it's stressful, even if you are one of the greatest hockey players of all time and his

amazing wife. Wayne Gretzky was probably freaked out by it. Is this going to turn into something? Is this guy going to be mad? Is this going to turn into something? Is this guy going to be mad? Is this going to turn into an ice fight? And if you had asked Wayne and Janet Gretzky for a photo at that moment, do you think that they would go, hey, perfect timing? No. You would make them both feel extra miserable and vulnerable and weird. And because you were a human, you knew that was the wrong thing to do,

especially in this situation. And so what happened instead? What happened instead? Wayne Gretzky and Janet Gretzky got into their car and they said to each other, I'm glad that guy was cool. You probably exchanged insurance information. Now Wayne Gretzky's gone. I've got his number here. Now that it's established that Andrew isn't a predatory monster and instead thinks of me, Wayne Gretzky, and my wife, Janet Jones Gretzky, as fellow human beings, maybe we'll call him sometime and have him come over to hang out and watch Flamingo Kid together. Probably won't happen, Andrew, but it might.

It's more likely to happen now than ever before. And it would never have happened and never will happen if you had taken that picture. And all of your sociopathic friends and family and coworkers who shame you for not harassing a fellow human being, disown them. By the way, people who ask me for a photo, I'm very grateful. And they want it all the time. The meet and greets that we do after the Vacationland tour, people often ask for a photo. And I'm happy to do it because that's a different situation.

That's where I'm putting myself in the context of here I am. This is a prescribed time for you and I to meet and encounter each other. Now, I will also say that personally, I would rather have time to have a meaningful human encounter with you than pose for a photo. But sometimes people just want to do that anyway, and we have that human negotiation, and it works out one way or the other.

So that's fine. I'm not saying that photos are wrong all the time. At a meet and greet, that's a time to do it. But for heaven's sakes, everybody, you know, these people are public figures. Yes, they're out there in the world. Yes, they are. They probably when you when you when you say they they they're out there in the world, they ought to do this. Yes, believe me, anyone who is out there where someone wants to take a picture with them is incredibly flattered, grateful, and glad. And they are aware of how lucky they are. And if they're not, then they're the monster. It doesn't mean that they won't give you a photo, but it does mean that you don't have to ask. You can just say to them, nice work.

Now, I have to say, Judge Hodgman, I disagree with you on this one. Maybe not in the overall ruling, but in the specifics. Oh, really? You think you should have gotten a photo with the great one? No, that's the part that I agree with. I agree that he shouldn't have gotten the photo. But I think insurance fraud here is a pretty good call. And not specifically insurance fraud so much as threatened insurance fraud themed extortion, which is to say that I think that this was the perfect idea to get a signature on a piece of paper that gives you the rights to a potential reboot of the early 1990s Saturday morning television cartoon Pro Stars, which featured Mr. Gretzky alongside Bo Jackson, Michael Jordan, and Ken Griffey Jr. Or possibly a piece of the All-Star Cafe, those stars' response to the Hard Rock Cafe. I think

either of those, this would have been, I mean, this would have been the time to swoop, you know, because otherwise you're even going to have a hard time getting FaceTime for a meeting. And when you got something, when you got them over a barrel, you know, that's when you got a strike business wise. I am speechless. I have never heard of ProStars. And I stopped listening to you about 35 seconds ago as I just was reading this Wikipedia page. I take it back.

You're absolutely right. Here's something from Brian. He wrote in with a note about episode 220, good time, summertime docket clearing. He says, Judge Hodgman, you addressed a dispute related to the joke, what do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino? The answer of elephino seemed plausible enough until I saw this article. And he links to an article on KTLA.com, I believe that's Los Angeles local television, with the headline, Rhino horn cut off, South Africa treated with elephant skin. Okay, I'm trying to guess the headline based on the URL. The headline is Rhino treated with elephant skin after poachers hack off horn in South America.

Now, you weren't here jesse during the good time summertime guest bailiffing of monte belmonte the joke is what do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino what's that judge hodgman lf i know okay i got it yeah now you got it because i heard you i heard you pronounce it a different way and the pronunciation a lot of people are calling i pronounce it a different way. The pronunciation. A lot of people are calling it. I pronounce it the Italian way. Right. El Fino. El Fino.

I made sure to do that closer to the microphone. I did do it the other time. I went, but I was too far from the microphone for you to hear. No, believe me. I'm very close to my ears. I believe we now know the correct answer. I expect the fake internet legal record to be corrected accordingly. So the dispute was, what is the correct joke?

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino? LF I know, or would it be reasonable to say instead, what do you get if you cross a helicopter and a rhino? Hell, if I know, and the helicopter one doesn't work doesn't work at all it doesn't work uh conceptually and it doesn't work uh semantically because there's no f in helicopter yeah and someone and this is what we decided and someone discovered uh as as sometimes happens when we talk about things here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast, we conjure reality into the world. And it turns out in South Africa,

a rhino who are often attacked by poachers for their horns because it is believed in parts of Asia that rhino horn will cure cancer, was mutilated. And in order to keep it alive, it's exposed tissue was covered with a graft of elephant skin. And so what do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino, a profound moral lesson about the evil of poaching and also a rhino without a

horn, but a bunch of elephant skin on its top of poaching. And also a rhino without a horn, but a bunch of elephant skin on top of its head. So far, the 12-year-old rhino called Hope at the wildlife park in KwaZulu-Natal province survived as of this writing, which was August 15th. I hope that Hope is doing well still. Hey, Judge Hodgman, you know our colleague Kevin Allison from the podcast Risk? Of course I do.

I just guest hosted for it. You got it. So he was in this joke issue of New York Magazine recently, and he told this joke that I've been thinking about ever since. I wonder if I could share it with you. I'd like to hear it. Okay, so there's this guy walking down the street and he has a perfectly round, uh, entirely yellow head. And, uh, he runs into an old buddy and the buddy says, Oh, Hey man, how's it going? You know, what, what's been going on with you? And, uh, the guy

says, Oh, well, uh, honestly, it's sort of a mixed bag. I actually found an old lamp and I rubbed it and a genie came out and it gave me three wishes. So that was good. That sounds like a great outcome. And the friend's like, yeah, I mean, how could this possibly be mixed? And he's like, yeah, I understand what you mean. I mean, the first thing I wished for was money. And I totally got it.

I am super, super rich now. Like I have more money than I could ever spend. And if I'm honest, it's really great. And my friend's like, yeah, okay. And he's like, and the second thing I wish for was true love. And do you remember Sally from high school? And the buddy's like, yeah, sure. You were always really had a thing for her and i said yeah well now we're married and it is amazing it is better than you could possibly imagine and the buddy says so i mean you said what how is it a mixed bag and uh the guy goes, yeah, so the third wish, that's where I went wrong. I wished for a perfectly round yellow head. Isn't that a great joke? And if i know

uh let me just uh please remind our listeners if you'd like to hear more hilarious jokes i am still on tour my last two shows of the vacation land tour proper and for this year and maybe forever are going to be in orlando Florida, and North Carolina, Durham, this weekend. For tickets, you should go to johnhodgman.com slash tour. You can also buy tickets there if you want to attend my joint show with Jordan Klepper, my fellow correspondent on The Daily Show at the Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. That's not the University of Ohio in Columbus, but rather Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. That's not the University of Ohio in Columbus,

but rather Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. It's a university show, but all are welcome to buy tickets, and it would be great to see you there. I'm doing meet and greets after the shows, and I would love to see you and meet you and greet you. And if you want to have a photo taken, what am I going to do? I'm stuck. Of course I'll do it. I love you. And I'm actually going on tour, too.

Let's see, the second week of November, second or third week of November, I'm going to be on tour with my NPR show Bullseye on our first ever world tour of select American cities. It is going to be in Los Angeles, New York, Philadelphia, Boston, and Washington, D.C. In fact, there are two shows in New York. There is a live bullseye in Brooklyn at the Bell House and a live version of my talk, Make Your Thing, which is about making independent media in the age of the Internet, which will be followed by a Q&A with myself. Wait, wait, wait. A Q&A? Yeah, I know. It's going to be great.

You're going to need someone to moderate that. You're going to need someone to moderate that. Will you do it? I will totally do it. I love moderating. You can find information about all those shows and buy your tickets at bullsietour.com, bullsietour.com. And please do come out. I mean, it is going to be, we have live music and live comedy and interviews and, you know, probably some street jokes I heard from Kevin Allison at every single

one of those stops. It is really going to be a hoot and a half. So please come out bullseye tour.com. And oh, by the way, we last week, we forgot to thank the hosts of One Bad Mother for taking over the show during switcheroo week. That was a blast. What terrible humans we are for not thanking them it was a complete blast and i enjoy that podcast very much biz and theresa are wonderful especially theresa who i'm married to um yeah and they're actually i don't know if you saw this judge hodgman but they are currently doing a kickstarter for parenting merit badges um oh yeah if you're out there and you are a parent and you think that you deserve a merit badge

for, for example, dealing with the aftermath of a child pooping in the bath, you can get one now. Just search for One Bad Mother on Kickstarter or go to MaximumFun.org and follow the link. It is, it's like the coolest thing. Just watch the video and like share it with every parent you know because they had this idea and we worked super hard to make it happen because it is just the greatest, funnest thing ever and like such a perfect distillation of their ethos,

which is you're doing a great job. So johnhodgman.com slash tour, bullsitour.com and? One Bad Mother on Kickstarter or in your favorite podcast. How about and in your favorite podcast software? Indeed. Who edits and produces this podcast, Jesse? The show's produced by Julia Smith, edited by Mark McConville. If you've got a case for the judge, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho. That's

MaximumFun.org slash JJ HO and share it with us. No case too big or small. All the real cases, we reads them all. Almost rhymes and almost maintains the meter. And a word that rhymes with all is fall. That's it for this week's Judge John Hodgman. We'll talk to you next time. Hello, Waheeda. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast,

The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will.

Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported