Judge John Hodgman - Out of REC-order

Episode Date: November 9, 2011

Strife between two friends -- over DVR recordings.  If Anthony requests that Joseph record television programs for him on his personal DVR, is he obligated to come over and watch them?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, out of wreck order. Anthony, known as T, brings this case against his good friend Joseph, known as Pippin. Their issue arose when T asked Pippin to record a reality TV cooking program for him. Pippin has an extravagant cable TV package with digital video recording service, while T has a much more basic set of channels and no DVR. T has asked his friend to record multiple shows for him, but never consistently comes over to watch them. The shows sit on the DVR, taking up space and annoying Pippin. Is T obligated to watch the shows after he's requested them? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman

enters the courtroom. Greetings. Your hard drive is 98% full of justice. Please delete some justice if you would like to continue. Swear I'm in, Bailiff Jesse. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, or whatever? I do. I certainly do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his DVR is completely filled with reruns of the PBS Dick Cavett show? is completely filled with reruns of the PBS Dick Cavett show? Particularly in that case. Yes.

Very well. Judge? So first, let me understand this. You guys are named T and Pippin? Yes. Are you elves? The correct question would probably be, what type of a hobbit would I be? But no, it's a nickname we require. You know what? out nerd me all right sorry don't try to out nerd me peregrine toque

i would personally like to see that battle though okay chit chats which one of you is pippin i am pippin it's not that strange judge i have a younger brother named Q and another one named Godspell. What's your actual name, T? Anthony. Okay, Anthony. Which is part of the origination of the nickname. Right. They used to call you Big T, Fat T, Mr. T. More so now than in the olden days. But no, I received my nickname from my brother, who is just 16 months older than me.

What was his name? He's Rick. So his name was R? I've never heard him go by R. No, he pretty much prefers Rick. He's kind of like Ricky Schroeder, where it was Ricky for most of his life, and then we had to switch to Rick because he became much more serious at that point. Right, right, right. So I'm going to call him the Shrode. Okay, I'm sure we'll appreciate that.

And Pippin, how'd you get your street name of Pippin? In high school, me and my friends were avid fans of Tolkien and Lord of the Rings. Oh, so you were actually named after Peregrine Took. Yes, we all took nicknames. And because two of my friends were named Joe, it really was more convenient just calling me Pippin. So it stuck through high school, and now all my closest friends still call me Pippin. And wasn't there a member of the band T-Rex who went by the name of Peregrine Took? I'm not aware of that, sir. Well, you know what?

If you take on a name, you really have to take responsibility for knowing what you're talking about. I will make it my job to learn that. Pippin, can I call you Granny Smith? Which Took was the hobbit who actually rode a horse? An invented golf. That would be Bullroarer Took, sir. Bullroarer Took, right. Gerontius the Old Took was the second oldest hobbit in the shire's history after bilbo baggins

well thank you very much everyone for tuning into the new judge john hodgman podcast also known as nerd fight sounds like a great spinoff all right bro of schroed are you bringing this i brought the um i brought the issue it's you know, Pippin is really the one with the complaint. Do we have to call him Pippin? Really? How old are you, Pippin? Old enough to have two names. How old are you actually in real life?

47. And that's in human years. In human years. I know for a hobbit, that would make you a but tween, and you could still be called Pippin. But in real human life, you are a grown man, are you not? I certainly pretend to be, yes. Have you a family? I do.

You have children? I have two wonderful boys, yes. And what, I'm afraid to ask what their names are. Manuel and Roman. Manuel and Roman, those aren't hobbit names at all no they aren't unless they're uh are they are they fallahide names or store names they're neither they're human names they're human names so okay and do you have a are you do you have a wife uh ex-wife an ex-wife okay and. And, and does she refer to you as Pippin?

She call you up or? No, but T's family calls me Pippin and my mother calls me Pippin and my closest friends from high school still call me Pippin. Okay. And yeah. So now that you, now that you were involved in this midlife crisis and you are no longer

married, I don't want to probe your personal life too much because this is more about your television watching habits than this. But you clearly you're in the midst of crisis and you are trying to revert to high school times when you rolled the nine-sided die and called yourself Pippin and life stretched out ahead of you, the road going ever, ever on. Is that what's going on here? You can read my life like a book. Okay. And T, why don't you just call yourself Anthony? Do you not like that name? How old are you, sir? I am just 13 days younger than you are. So I'm 40.

What do you know about me? That's creepy. I know that we grew up about five miles from each other. It still is getting creepier. It seems very stalkerish, but you talk about these things. You talk a lot about being from Brookline and Fitchburg, where I spent my formative years. You and I have a lot in common,

as a matter of fact. We should talk. All right. Bailiff Jesse, would you please restrain T? When it comes to things you know, do they include things like the width of his ventilation system?

If you need that, I can get those for you. Are you watching me right now? No. Okay. things like the width of his ventilation system or when he turns his lights on and off? I can get those for you. Are you watching me right now? No. Okay. Please, I just would like to make sure that you are seated this entire time with your hands clearly on the table.

Do not approach me at any time. Do you understand? I do understand. Even though we were on the internet? Right. All right. I'm not going to call you T because that's a hard thing to say, even into a sweet Rhoda podcaster mic like I have without hitting the siblings hard. T, T, T, T, T,

T, T. Okay. We can edit that part. So I'm going to call you brother of Schroeder or bro Schroeder. That's better for you. Okay. Bro Schroed is what I'm going to call you. And Pippin, you know, you're not a child. I'm going to call you Peregrine. Okay? Yes. All right. And I'm going to call you Red Delicious.

Thank you. Makun, Empire, Fuji, Honeycrisp. That's what I'm going to call you, Honeycrisp. I take it back. You know, we don't choose our nicknames in life. Everyone needs to understand that. Brochure. It's going to take me some time to get used to it. What's your problem? What's your problem with Sir Honeycrisp Took over there? All right. So I asked my friend for a favor. The favor was for him to record a television program that our friend was appearing on.

It was a reality television program and a friend of ours who is a chef was going to be on this cooking-based program, or was on this cooking-based program. What's the program? You seem to be shy about saying it. It's Hell's Kitchen. Oh, sure. Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay. That's the guy. Yeah, which is a big part of the problem. Bailiff Jesse? Yes.

Will you please send a note to Matt Gourley, the editor, to bleep out words that I say at random, even though I am not cursing? Absolutely. Just in honor of Gordon Ramsay, can we pretend that I am an incredibly f***ing mouthed bully? Shall I take my shirt off, sir? No the f*** way, Jesse. Please put your f***ing shirt back on immediately. Putting f*** in every way possible. And putting chefs on television as though they were going to somehow become telegenic rock stars?

I'm not talking about TV chefs. I'm talking about line cooks. Is it akin to putting poker players on TV thinking they're going to be role models instead of the shifty, sweaty autists that they are? Anyway, I didn't mean to talk about your friend. What season of Hell's Kitchen was he on? I'm sure he'd be flattered.

It was season eight, and our friend's name is Louie. Okay, I didn't mean to talk about your friend. What season of Hell's Kitchen was he on? I'm sure he'd be flattered. It was season eight, and our friend's name is Louie. Okay. I didn't see that season. Eight seasons, really? Okay. Did he win? Or do you not know yet because you haven't watched it on your friend's DVR?

Honeycrisp, you were asked to record Hell's Kitchen, and did you do it? Yes, I was. And I did it. A friend asked you for a favor, you follow through, I recorded it. Okay. And what's the problem? He didn't come over you do it? And I did it, you know, a friend asked you for a favor, you follow through, I recorded it. Okay. And, and, and what's the problem? He didn't come over to watch it. Yeah. He asked me for the favor. Didn't come over. I didn't press him on it, but you know, after a week or two, I was like, Hey, you know, you got the show on my DVR and I've only got a hundred hours of DVR space. So that's quickly running out. Whoa lap out whoa really what do you what's on your rotation there i got a lot of shows yeah let me hear let me hear both john stewart's daily show

and uh colbert report oh if there's one thing i don't like more than buzz marketing it is up sucking no no hold it these are seriously my shows i i they come first to mind obviously because you're on one of those shows. I forget which one. And then a lot of science-related shows, and then the only cooking show I normally record on my own. Science-related shows, you're talking about Mythbusters, right? Mythbusters is awesome, but I don't actually record that. It's usually Nova Programs or—

Newton's Apple. Do you record that show where the dudes blow stuff up in slow motion? We did. Oh, that was a, that was a good show. I don't watch it anymore. I don't know.

The discovery channel. It's called slow motion blow up. But, but yeah, do you record that show? Do you record that show where those guys go into abandoned storage containers, bid for the, the stuff inside and then blow it all up in slow motion?

No, I'm not familiar with that show. I don't record it. Do you know the one where the guys go into a house full of dead cats and pumpkins, and then they pick out the most valuable ones and then take them to a pawn shop on custom-made motorcycles? No, I don't know that one. Okay. So, all right, science shows.

Science fiction and comedy-related. I didn't see that coming. Well, let's hear the science fiction stuff. I remember Game of Thrones when that was on. I recorded that series. Yeah. What else? So you wanted to record Game of Thrones and you couldn't because you had this 10-month-old episode of Hell's Kitchen sitting on there?

No, actually, I set to record them. And then after a while, the DVR will delete stuff I haven't watched. And I was kind of concerned that his show would drop off because at the time I didn't know how to set it to keep it until I manually deleted it. But, yeah, so I was getting a little anxious that I recorded the show for him, and he would lose it, and he wanted to watch it. And really, I didn't want it on my DVR because I didn't like how our friend Louis was treated on that show. How long has this thing been sitting on your DVR? Is it still there? No, it eventually dropped off, and since then, he asked me to record another show with his cousin. Well, okay, easy. I don't want to hear about Brochure's cuz yet. When did he ask you to record Hell's Kitchen?

I don't know, T. Was that a year ago? It sounds probably about a year ago. Could you please address the defendant as Brochure? I do not. We're in a court of non-law. I believe Brochure answered that it was a year ago as well. So I think that's a fair estimate. And how long did it sit there before it was deleted, would you say? I would say about five or six months.

Does that conform to your memory as well, Brochure? That sounds like it would be accurate. Okay. Honeycrisp, did you inform him that you were concerned that this thing was going to drop off oh i did how how often did you how many times did you give him an opportunity to come over and watch it oh opportunity was unlimited i mean well i know because because you're sitting at home reliving your glory days of high school yeah yeah uh but he can come over even when i'm not home we we don't have a lot of security how far back how far back do you guys go? About 18 years.

18 years, yeah. So, Brochure, do you have full access to this guy's house? He just mentioned that he has no security. I would like to get his address as soon as possible

so I can put it on the website. I'm going to have a party next week. He's not going to be around. Well, I want to party with the Brochure. Are you kidding me? Absolutely. Watch some old Novas.

Roll some dice. Watch some Novas. Let's just tear this. Also Alton Brown. Oh, Alton Brown. Let's just, yeah. We're going to burn that DVR down, man. We're going to wipe it clean.

Get a fresh start. Why didn't you go over and watch the show with with your friend on it the reason i asked him to record it was because i don't watch a lot of tv and you know i certainly don't watch scheduled tv but it happened to be that when the first episode came on i was near my tv and i was able to watch it and i was excited about it you know because i wanted to see louis and i want to see what the thing was all about and so i watched that first episode episode, but it was a bit of an ordeal. I don't know if you've seen the show. How could you be under the impression that I have not seen the show

after all of the inside knowledge that I dropped? I didn't pay attention when I watched the show, so I didn't recognize the inside knowledge because I only watched that one episode. You're spacing out quite a bit, Roche Road. Sorry about that. The problem was that once I watched that first episode, it became very difficult for me to bring myself to watch another one. So you didn't want to watch the show anymore?

I didn't want to watch the show, but I did want to see Louis because he was on there and it was exciting. How do you know him? Pippin and I both volunteer at YMCA camp for a week every summer, and Louis was the chef at the camp that we volunteer at.

Is this Chef Louis Rapucci? That's the guy. Oh, this guy doesn't look too bad. He doesn't look like a living monster like most of those chefs do. He's incredibly healthy. He seems to be in good shape. He is, in very good shape. I mean, not that I'm so slender and so good to myself, but these line, you know, working cooks often destroy their bodies.

That's all I'm saying. Right. Because they work very long hours, and they drink a lot, and they smoke a lot, and they swear a lot. Get into hot tubs together, and they take their shirts off on television. I don't need that. Okay, so you didn't like the way he was being treated. So I don't understand what the dispute is here. There wasn't really a problem.

Okay, good. Then that's it. Let's go on to the – clear the docket there, Jesse. Is there a dispute here or not? What I'm saying is there wasn't a problem until I came with a subsequent request because as Pippa mentioned earlier my cousin was um to appear on another cooking based program um it she she um works at the Buena Vista Cafe in San Francisco okay very good um And they were doing, there's a show on the Cooking Channel called Originals with Emeril Lagasse. And so Emeril visited this establishment, and my cousin appeared on the show flirting with Emeril and serving Irish coffees, and it was very exciting.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What is the name of your cousin? Leah Hussher. Do you have a YouTube of this? I searched and searched but couldn't find one, which is on my DVR. I know. It's sitting on your DVR now? And I don't get that channel. So the only way I was going to be able to see it was if it showed up on the Internet

or if Pippin recorded it for me. So I really had no option in that case. Your hands were tied, is what you're saying. Exactly. And I sent you some evidence, which was that I emailed Pippin. Oh, I see. You sent in an email exchange? Right.

Could you please record this? And his response was one line. Here it is. Do you have the email in front of you? I don't. Let's just, okay. Guys, come on. It's very short, though. I can remember. Do you have the email in front of you? I don't. Guys, come on. It's very short, though. I can remember.

Can you remember it? Let's do a dramatic reenactment of this email. Okay. Do you get the cooking channel? I don't. There's a show on there called The Originals with Emeril. My cousin is on the premiere episode, San Francisco. If you get it, please record it for me so I can check it out.

Okay, but you always ask me to record shows that you never watch. Okay, this isn't a bar fight here, guys. It was like a slap in the face. No, it was not like a slap in the face. Did you record it, Honeycrisp? Yes, I did, Your Honor. Has he come over to watch it yet?

He might have actually watched it, but he hasn't taken it off the DVR. He asked me to keep it on until he could take it off the DVR. Now, how are he hasn't taken it off the DVR. He asked me to keep it on until he could take it off the DVR. Now, how are you going to take it off the DVR except with your eyes? So I have a device that I can hook into the AV section

of the recorder, and I can then connect it by USB to my laptop, and I'll be able to record onto my laptop the part of the program that I want, which is really just the part of the program. Is this something you want to keep for posterity?

I want to keep it. I want to keep it. I want to have it available. I want to make it available to others because it's very exciting. So why don't you just go over and do this? Well, I can't find the power cable for the device that I have. What? I agree.

Who said that? Was that Bailiff Jesse or was that my little hobbit friend? I was sorry with your chastising. I'm looking at this. I'm looking at this email that you sent. You sent it,

Brochure Road. Yes. Big T, you sent this email as evidence on your side. It's dated May 6th of this year at 1.20 p.m.

I noticed that like all good tooks,eregrine got back to you within 10 minutes promptly right yeah and he gave you a little bit of guff but then he did it and now it's sitting over there and you're not you're not getting all of your cables and weird radio shack equipment together to go over there and get it? What do you do for a living? I'm a computer application developer. So you have access to cables and switches and junk.

That's probably why I can't find it. You know what? I'm going to take advantage of this Gordon Ramsey bit. You have access to all this shit, don't you? I do, I do. Why don't you get your f***ing fat a** over to his house to fucking do it? This is a fucking embarrassment. I don't have to take this. Take some pride in yourself. Hey, hey, hey, look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Do you have any pride in yourself whatsoever?

Yes, your honor. I do. Then get over there and download this shit. Okay. Why don't you do it? I, you know, I've, I've, I've been busy with what? Putting cables into other things. I just had a whole remodel done over here and things are kind of, you know, a little bit chaotic and All right. Hobbit. Yes, Your Honor. How much space do you have in your DVR right now? Pretty sure I'm at 97% right now. Yeah.

And you're still holding this thing for him? Still holding it. And what are the damages that you have incurred so far? Inconvenience? Anxiety? No anxiety now because now I figured out how to preserve it so I don't lose it. It's just irritation that he asked me to do this and that he didn't follow through on taking it off, you know? And obviously you're being held up and recording all your favorite stories. This may just be the tip of the iceberg.

There may be more incidences coming down the road. Well, look, I can't legislate for stuff that hasn't happened yet. Unless you would want, as seeking damages, you would want an injunction to prevent him from making this request in the future. I don't mind doing it as long as there's follow-through in a timely manner. When would you like him to come over and hook up his weird machine to steal this television program so he can put it on YouTube? Within two weeks. Within two weeks?

Roche Road, is that unreasonable? That's going to be tight. How is that going to be tight? How far away do you live? Do you have to take an airplane there? We live about three or four miles from each other. Three or four miles from each other? You could walk it with your little AV cart of weird junk and shit that you need to steal

things from a DVR. You know, there are other things that I have to do. I have a lot of children that I have to attend to, and I have things going on with my work. I'm sorry, are you a butler for children? I am. Full time butler for children. I didn't realize that you lived in a mansion full of children and you were the butler. It seems precisely

that way. It's sort of like Silver Spoons, Bro Schroed. It's like a Ricky Schroeder story all over again. Nice callback. With the buttering up, stop it, okay? I'm f***ing here to judge you on your f***ing cooking. I really appreciate that

this is the come on teamwork, teamwork, a little bit of communication here. All right. I think I have enough to make my ruling. Is there anything else you want to say brochure road before I go into the chambers? I just want to say that the reason that I brought this case in the first place is because I don't believe that favor granting should have these kinds of dependencies that are being placed on this here. That, you know, whether I come over to watch the thing in a timely manner or not, it seems to me that, you know, my friend should be willing to do this favor for me and to do

it cheerfully, which is really all I'm asking for is a bit more cheerfulness in the granting of a favor. I'll make a decision that I think is fine, but you cannot legislate cheer. The moment you legislate cheer, you are in Harrison Bergeron land. I'm not going to try to control someone else's emotions. I like being Gordon Ramsay. Shut the f*** up! I like being Gordon Ramsay. Pathetic, huh? Shut the f*** up! Now, do you have anything else you want to say, little man?

What do you want to tell me, time bandits? Let's go. So I did record it cheerfully. You only became less cheerful when there was no follow through on the favor. The only other thing I'd say is, you know, hearkening back to the original series, you know, when the Metrons had to abduct Captain Kirk and that Gorn and put him on an alien planet. That's an alternate way of settling this. Look, look, look, look, look, look, look. I don't take bribery through nerd bait, okay? I don't even like the original series. I said it.

Thank you. I knew you would be on my side. I warned him not to bring it up, but he doesn't listen to me, Judge. Next generation all the way, you c**ks. I'm going into my f**king chambers. I'll come back with a decision in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom t brochure do you really

believe that all favors should be completely unconditional i believe that if you are a person who is willing and glad to to offer a favor that the favor should be done without grumpiness and without undue conditions. Yes. Godspell, how does that make you feel? I'm a very grumpy person to begin with, but even to my friends, I'm very matter-of-fact, and I made it clear, hey, I'll record this for you,

but hey, dude, I made it clear, hey, I'll record this for you but, you know, hey, dude, I recorded it. Watch it. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. You, big boy, come here. You, hobbit, little man, come here. Where the fuck is the teamwork, huh?

Yes? A little teamwork? Wouldn't that go better? A little communication? This guy's doing you a favor? Gross road? I can't that go better? A little communication. This guy's doing you a favor. Brochure. I can't even remember my nickname for you. Your friend's doing you a favor. You just sit there and do nothing.

Where's your head? Let me ask you a question. Brochure. Brochure. Yes. You sit there like you're not hearing me. You sit there confidently thinking you're going to win. You don't even hear me yelling at you this whole time open your ears big boy i'm assuming that's just to help you feel better a little listening the reality is if you ask someone to take in your

mail while you're away on a trip does that mean they have to keep your mail forever all your boxes of harry and dav David and weird packages and bills? They're going to keep that in an archive forever? No. After a while, you know what they do? They throw it away. They bin it. The reality is that the favor does not begin and end

when he records a thing. The transaction is complete when you come over and look at it. And I think that it is perfectly reasonable for this poor hobbit who is junking up his DVR with all your weird cooking shows and friends who are chefs that you can't bother to watch on TV

when it's actually on, and family members, to eventually want to clear up the space for his original series of Star Trek as though he can't see it anywhere else. It's still his DVR. You have the technology to go over and get that stuff off of there. You live three to four miles away.

You've hesitated to do this for months and months and months. This guy is not your remote backup of your hard drive. This guy is your friend who's got terrible taste in television. Do you disagree? I do not. I do not directly disagree. Your argument is f***ing raw. Put it in the bin.

All right, Hobbit. Two weeks from today, I will be in Durham, North Carolina, speaking and reading from my new book, That Is All, with David Reese and the band Megafon. Buzz marketing. I will want a text or electronic mail of some kind on that day saying that Big T came over

and got his junk off your drive. And if that has not happened by that day, you have permission to erase his junk and chuck it in the bin. Okay? The point is, the favor is completed when the thing is viewed within a reasonable period of time. Brochure Road, get your fat a** over there. Start downloading. Take off your shirt and walk out of here in slow motion and in shame while some weird steam flies up around you and then get into a car and start talking to a camera about how i was right and you were wrong this

is the sound of a gavel judge john hodgman rules that is all please rise as judge john hodgman exits the courtroom t you were delivered a stern rebuke by British celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. How do you feel? I feel like I need to be able to request a two-week extension after this two-week period is over. It never ends.

I'm sorry, did you not understand that this was a final ruling that you swore you would abide by? I understand. Pippin, your friend sickens me. Me as well. I think he should get it done before... Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Bailiff Jesse, Bailiff Jesse, you're not Gordon Ramsay here, okay? You're the French maitre d'. If you end up having to erase this thing, I want you to video yourself doing it so that we can post it on the website. And let that serve as a warning. Let's put that head on a stake for anyone else who dares question my judgment and say, I want a two-week extension. That junk's only for freelance writers and John Roderick.

No one else gets an extension. And Pippin, you're not off the stake either, little man. I don't want to hear about people calling you Pippin anymore. At best, Peregrine. I think I might go beyond the bounds of your ruling, sir. I'm sorry? What does that mean? I think I can decide what people call me.

Oh, somebody's cruising for a bruising! Okay, Bailiff, clear the court. Let's get these monsters out of here. Oh, I'm going to do some pounding. In a sudden surprise change, both contestants are being ejected from the courtroom. Thank you. Nice. Thank you very much, guys. I look forward to seeing you at Largo on November 4th

definitely thanks a lot this was a lot of fun thank you you're listening to Judge John Hodgman I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne of course the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join.

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This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. choice but to embrace because yes listening is mandatory the jv club with janet varney is available every thursday on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts thank you and remember no running in the halls if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-o-d-c-a-s-t-i-a hmm are you trying to put the name of the podcast there yeah i'm trying to spell it but it's tricky let me give it a try okay if you need a laugh and

you're on the go call s-t-o-p-p-p-a-d-i it'll never fit no it will let me try if you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, I'm so sorry that I got out of control there. I've been, I don't know, I've just been having a really hard time. I got this new baby.

He's really beautiful, really adorable. I just need something to pound. I understand. As a parent, I appreciate that it can be a stressful time. You're probably sleep deprived. Probably not treating yourself very well. I'm also on the juice. I know.

You're probably not taking as much juice in as many veins as you normally take it. Right. I certainly hope that you are at least getting your suits properly tailored. Yes, absolutely. At the very least, I am. Your bailiff uniforms, right, are properly hemmed and cuffed? Certainly so. I prefer a one and three quarter inch cuff. I didn't doubt it.

So all I'm saying is, bailiff Chessie, don't apologize. Just take care of yourself and get rid of your child because it's f***ing up the podcast. Understood. Shall we clear the docket, sir? Yes, please. Here's one from thomas he says my girlfriend and i have a technology dispute i bought a new macbook and we began talking about new max versus new pcs my girlfriend noted i think correctly that pcs become obsolete more quickly than max however we differ on what could be considered an obsolete

computer. She argues that my brand new MacBook Pro will be obsolete as soon as a newer, better model comes out. I cannot wrap my head around such libel. In six months, my computer will still be very relevant to the computing world and not so outdated that it can be called obsolete. How long is it until a computer is officially obsolete? Well, obsolete and outdated are not synonyms. I would have to say that outdated means there is a new model or it's a couple of years old and there's a new model out. And I would say obsolete certainly means the model is so old that it no longer

will run the current most popular operating systems. Am I telling you about operating systems? That it won't run the current operating system and it won't run the programs that you need it to run. I can say this with some authority because

I am expert on computers. It won't run the programs that you need it to run. I can say this with some authority because I am expert on computers. It won't run the programs. Can I use a computer to do my accounting? Yes, you can create a spreaded sheet to write down all of your grocery lists. Can my kids do art projects? If they like to make pie charts. It's clear that my, even though I have worked

for many proud years for Apple Computer, my understanding of how computers go is limited to around 1982. When it doesn't take the floppy disks anymore, that's how you know that it is obsolete. Or I should say, if you're still the floppy disks anymore that's how you know that it is uh that it is

obsolete or i should say if you're still using floppy disks i would say the standard of an obsolete computer is does it use single or double density floppy disks i know right double layer that was so that was some hot stuff when it came along i would recommend that you purchase the one computer that never becomes obsolete, the program that I used to create Judge John Hodgman. That's the Osborne One, the world's first portable microcomputer. You can purchase WordStar word processing software. You can use single-density floppy disks.

And it's the first computer that you can close up and carry around like it was a suitcase. Well, I know you like the ease and the convenience in a simple operating system and all of that jazz, but me, I'm kind of a tech head. I like to really get in there and do it myself. So when I record this podcast, I am using a Coleco Atom computer add-on that I have forged onto an Intellivision console using Odyssey controllers. And then I am using tinfoil attached to a Timex Sinclair as a kind of antenna to wirelessly broadcast this to you across the country, Jesse. I record this entire program on a model train set with a complex system of switches. I like to wear a large floppy disk around my neck and call it Dr. Theopolis. I would ask you some more questions, Judge, but I was reading your book, That Is All,

and I got to the part about George Plimden's video falconry, and I felt the need to falcon. So I'm headed off to the Internet to play the web port right now. Yeah, I mean, I think that's truly the final answer is if your computer can still play George Plimpton's video falconry, it is not outdated. That's still an amazing game. Even today. Hey, everyone. It's me, Judge John Hodgman. Jesse left already, but I just want to say I finally did get an email from Emily Brewster at Merriam-Webster,

and she said, I was right. When you're alphabetizing movies, just ignore the apostrophe and let the letters be your guide. Those are her words. She also says that's good advice for life, too, and I agree. If you like Emily Brewster, you should check out her Ask the Editor video podcast on YouTube or check her out at Merriam-Webster online. She's fantastic. She discovered a word.

Jesse, are you over there? Yes. Sorry. Sorry. Wait. No. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Just get up from behind these curtains. Why were you behind my curtains? I don't know, but it wasn't sexual. Good night, Jesse. Good night. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support this show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show

is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Matt Gourley. His great podcast, by the way, is called Super Ego. You can find it in iTunes or online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, email us and be sure and include your telephone number. The email address is hodgman, email us and be sure and include your telephone number. The email address is hodgman at maximumfund.org. If you have thoughts about the show, you can always comment on it on our message board, forum.maximumfund.org. We'll see you online and next time right here on

the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.