Judge John Hodgman - Paul F. Topics

Episode Date: March 27, 2024

This week, it's all PAUL F. TOPICS with Paul F. Tompkins! We are so excited to celebrate the second week of MaxFunDrive with him, and clear the docket. Cases about missed live shows, dog friends, hats and style, and Philadelphia.It’s MaxFunDrive! To support the show, just go to maximumfun.org/join.We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman. 

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thor could not appreciate them more. It's also the time when we offer our most special episodes, and this, friends, is one of those. Look, if you're ready to become a member right now, just pause the show, go to MaximumFun.org slash join. It's so easy, you will feel great about it. Otherwise, I promise by halfway through this episode, you will feel that way. Let's get into this very special docket with a very special guest. It's a very special docket, very specific docket, and I'm so glad we can get into it because I cannot wait to introduce this guest. He's an actor. He's a comedian. He's a co-host of the podcast Threedom with Scott Aukerman and Lauren Lapkus,

The Neighborhood Listen with Nicole Parker, and Stay at Homekins with someone named Jamie Haddad Tompkins. He's also universally renowned as the top podcast guest of all time because everyone likes to talk to him, including us. We're very lucky to have him here for the MaxFunDrive and to call him friend. So let's call him friend. Is your name Paul F. Tompkins? It is. name Paul F. Tompkins? It is.

That's wonderful. Welcome, Paul. Paul's ready to rock. I'm ready to rock, to roll, to rumble, to stop, drop, and roll. It's wonderful to be here. It's nice to see you guys. It's been a while since I've visited the pod. Paul, can I ask you to stop, drop, shut them down, and then open up shop? I like to stop, drop, and rumble.

Okay, fair. Look, I'm not here to make you uncomfortable, Paul. Look, the most important thing is stopping and dropping. Okay, that's right. We can all agree on that. Paul, it's so exciting to have you here, especially since the topic for our docket today is very specific. The topic is Paul F. Topics. What?

We asked our listeners what they wanted to hear when it comes to your judgments on the issues of the day. Topics related to or in the areas of expertise of Paul F. Tompkins. And our first Paul F. Topic is going to hit pretty close to home. And I'm not talking about Philadelphia yet. Jesse, why don't you hit us with a topic? Listener member Kelly in Rochester, New York, writes, My husband's brother was set to get married in the spring of 2022, but then he and his fiance moved the date up to November 2023 as a fun surprise. This was the same weekend as Paul F. Tompkins' Varietopia show in Brooklyn.

We had tickets for the show and we were looking forward to seeing one of our favorite performers and visiting New York City. we were looking forward to seeing one of our favorite performers and visiting New York City. Instead, we spent the weekend with 25 strangers in Atlanta and my husband's divorced parents. It was emotionally exhausting, and Atlanta is boring. How can we punish my brother-in-law and his wife? Wow. Lots to parse here. Paul, before we get into how to punish these people, the punishment phase. Yeah. Tell us first about Varietopia, what we're talking about here for people who may not know.

John, thank you for asking. Varietopia is a variety show that I host. I've been doing it off and on for many years and brought it back after the after quarantine. I've really I realized how much I missed it. And it's been going strong ever since. It's music. It's comedy. It's any kind of performance that can fit on a stage. And you're fitting a lot on the stage because there is a full orchestra pretty much. Well, in Los Angeles and New York when we do the show, but anywhere else.

On the road, it's a dude with a kazoo. It's me and a boombox. And a big piece of cardboard on the stage so that you can. Of course, there's cardboard on the stage. But yeah, it's really fun. It's a different show every other month at Laudroom in Los Angeles. And then we're going on tour this year starting next month. And we're hitting a bunch of different cities.

You can go to paulftompkins.com slash live for all of those dates. Now, I went to this particular Varietopia show at the Bell House in Brooklyn, November 2020. What was it? Three. i i have this review to offer kelly and her husband who missed it you messed up it was a great show anyone who missed it to go to a wedding was a fool i don't care how close the wedding it was

this was one for the ages paul would you agree or disagree the show is more important than love and yeah i i have to say the idea of moving your wedding up as a fun surprise i've never heard of such a thing yeah it goes it absolutely is an insult to everyone a wedding is a thing that you clear a date for and that's it it doesn't change you don't do that it doesn't say save some dates yeah if there's if there's some sort of emergency or you know somebody gets somebody falls ill or you know whatever a hurricane wipes out your reception venue. I understand that, but not a fun surprise.

That's not a, first of all, it's not a fun surprise. No. So like if we could all get in a TARDIS together and go back in time and space and say to Kelly when she opened up the email or whatever saying, hey, surprise, wedding's much earlier. Would you counsel her? Don't go to this wedding what was the relationship brother it's her husband's brother's wedding that's that's tough that's very tough and i guess it depends on how well those brothers get along obviously the parents marriage is a wreck and they legendary they clearly despise each other otherwise it wouldn't be mentioned

right um the fact that they're divorced that i guess they i don't know if it turns into a you know uh who's afraid of virginia wolf situation with them look my parents are divorced they both came to my wedding and it nothing popped off but all expended much emotional energy in maintaining the peace. Yeah, I mean, let's be clear. There are definitely amicable divorces. There are divorces that are for the betterment of both members of the couple and the family. There are exes who can get along really well at weddings. I'm just talking about Kelly's father and mother-in-law, a legendary shipwreck of a marriage. Should never have happened. I don't know about that, Kelly. Maybe that's not true, but I'm just imagining. You brought it up, so it must have meant something to you. I'm sure Kelly is grateful for her husband existing in the world. That's true. And it sounded like a pretty small wedding, too,

which makes it harder to get out of. 25 people. I mean, they just mentioned 25 strangers. There could have been other people they knew there that they're not counting. That's true. I judge a wedding by how many strangers are there. I forgot about that weird wedding tradition.

Something old, something blue, something borrowed, something new. And also 25 randos that you just, you know, you pass out tickets at the Grove to come to your wedding. A baker's two dozen of strangers. In front of the dancing fountain. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I would, I mean, without knowing how close the brothers are, it makes it very difficult to advise, don't go to that wedding. They've got to go to the wedding yeah i feel like unless you are legit estranged you gotta go may i may i use an internet

term please i wish you would counterpoint they don't have to go wow counterpoint they should skip it go back in time and skip it wow i don't know we're all of it of a of a level of i don't want to say maturity i'd rather say age where feces doesn't really matter that much anymore right a long long time ago and we'll call this person what's a ted ted i was terrified you were going to launch into American Pie. My wedding song, by the way. My first dance. Do you know, on the topic of weddings, when we were planning our wedding and we were putting together the playlist for the reception,

my mother-in-law, who I love dearly, really campaigned hard for us to include american pie oh and i thought this is insane i've never heard american pie at a wedding and so we're like all right i'll put it in there people loved it i was astonished wait did it fill the dance floor with it did at people everybody got out there everybody Everybody sang along. I was stunned. I was going to say the reason that that's a surprise perfect move, once I thought about it, is that it's a song that a certain generation would love to sing along to when they're drunk and in their cups. And also it's one that you can sing along to and get excited for while sitting down next to Aunt Harriet at the big table or whatever. Like, it's not a dancer. It's just a yeller of a song. But, I mean, people were dancing to it.

That's weird because there are a lot of tempo shifts in that song. But couldn't you play, like, Sweet Caroline or something that people love singing to that isn't so sad? If my mother-in-law suggested that, we would have put that on there. But, look, everybody loved American Pie, even the 25 strangers. that isn't so sad. If my mother-in-law suggested that, we would have put that on there. But look, everybody loved American Pie, even the 25 strangers. It worked. So what I was going to say is a long, long time ago,

we were drinking whiskey and rye and we were young people. And one of the first people to get married in our friend group was a person that we will call Ted. And Ted was getting married across the country. And I was definitely going to go to Ted was getting married across the country. And I was

definitely going to go to Ted's wedding. First big wedding. And my wife, who's a whole human being in her own right, who was then my girlfriend and also still a whole human being in her own right, also wanted to come but couldn't get off of work. And she was very upset about it. And she said, she expressed this to her mother. And her mother very wisely said, oh, oh, dear, don't worry. There'll be more Ted's weddings in the world. There'll be more Ted's weddings in the future. And my mother-in-law was absolutely right.

At least two of them that I can think of. With Ted? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Oh, boy. Yeah. Well, you know, people don't always get it right. Divorce is there for a reason. I'm sorry.

But Ted wasn't her brother. Maybe I'm sanguine about this because I have no siblings, so I don't care and I live only for myself. But I do kind of feel like, I mean, we opened this conversation talking about what a unmitigated party foul it was to change the date of your wedding. Absolutely. As a fun surprise. Absent any other context. Maybe there was some compelling reason why it needed to be moved up.

I don't know. You know what I mean? But absent any other reason, if I've got a date to go see Paul F. Tompkins in New York City, if I've got a hotel room booked and airplane tickets booked and so forth, and you come back to me and say, sorry, it's not next May.

It's six weeks from now. I think I think you'd be well within your rights, Kelly, to go ahead and say, I'm really sorry. I have to miss it here. I'm going to send you I'm going to send you a pretty good gift and we'll celebrate with you down the road. John, I will say that the lack of siblings maybe is hampering your view of this a little bit because it's a big deal. Family drama is a big deal. And but that aside, you can say to someone, no, I can't. I can't make it because you changed the date on me.

And a thing that that I have learned over the years is that it's okay to not give a reason why. You can just say, I can't do that. And your reasons are your own. And it's not for the other person to judge whether or not that's a valid reason to not do something. And because I used to, if I wanted to avoid doing something and somebody asked me to do, I would say, I can't do it. And here's why. And blah, blah, blah. And, you know, sometimes find myself making something up because I thought I didn't have a good enough reason. But the reason is for whatever reason I have, I can't do that. And that's good enough. Yeah. Another internet term or a phrase, no is a complete sentence. Something that I've read many times.

And I think to myself, that's a very powerful sentence. And I wish I could act that way. So true, bestie. It's true. Maybe I'm being a little cold. I was born that way. Siblingless, alone in this universe. Yeah.

But I'll offer this. I'll split this baby down the middle and say, Kelly could have said no. And her husband could have gone to his brother's wedding and she could have enjoyed. That's very true. Do you know what I mean? That's very true. That would have been a gracious way to get out of it. But what's done is done is done. They missed your show. How do we get a punishment or satisfaction or justice now that it's been done you have to understand that kelly has since had they have a little baby now and they live they live far away from new york or los angeles maybe maybe they will be near one of the places that you're going on tour for

varietopia perhaps yes indeed and if memory serves those those shows are archived online on my Vimeo page. And so you may watch them then. I feel bad making you pay for it twice. Well, maybe the brother-in-law should pay for it. Yeah. How about it? Yes. That's a great solution. I was also going to suggest, and this is from a movie I saw called Goodfellas, where you convince the brother and his wife that they have become made men in the crime family. Sure. And then you invite them to a ceremony. And then, of course, you murder them. Creative.

Not only does it balance the scales in the Omerita community, but also it sends a message. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's extreme extreme but it's there as an option i'm gonna paraphrase goodfellas with a judgment here here's my message to uh kelly's brother-in-law whose wedding messed up their chance to go see varietopia you pay them that's the quote kelly's brother-in-law you own kelly and your brother a trip to go see Varietopia go to what is it paulftompkins.com slash live yes we'll be there in Brooklyn again uh next month

yeah and the divorced parents have to babysit together to make it possible there we go you have to get their parents back together yeah if we got a time machine, I think we should be parent trapping this thing. Parent trap the whole, parent trap this situation. I'm very excited to be here in our sometime Manhattan chambers here at Digital Island, where I don't have a gavel, but I did find a rubber finger puppet of a giraffe, which you can see if you check us out on our YouTube page. YouTube page, boy, oh boy, am I old. This is the sound of a giraffe gavel.

Boink, boink, boink. Judge John Hodgman rules on that one. That is all. Let's go to the next one. Paul, can I ask you a question that I want to know? Absolutely. I, of course, have always admired, respected, and resented you for your extraordinary talent and because you are better friends than I am with a dog named Tugboat. There. Who is the dog I probably love most out of any dog

that doesn't live at my house? How many dogs are you currently friends with? Because you're a legendary befriender of dogs. I would say I'm probably friends with about six're a legendary befriender of dogs i would say i'm probably friends with about six dogs you better get this number right because these dogs are going to get mad if you don't i know i know there's six dogs that i would say i'm absolutely friends with then there's 25 strangers 25 strange dogs that i attend functions with there's there's two dogs who are frenemies with me. Oh, wow. They're warming up to me so slowly at a glacial pace, but it is happening.

Yeah, the rest are just dog friends I haven't met yet. Because you don't, but you have no dogs of your own. You just go through Los Angeles. No, that I know of. You go through Los Angeles and you befriend dogs that you come across yes in your day and right okay because the reason i ask is that our friend chuck bryant from stuff you should know wants to know has a dog ever full-on rejected your friendship? This is unfortunately true. This has happened to me.

And this is a dog named Georgie, who is the dog of my dear friends, Catherine and Mike. And Georgie is an adorable doodle of some kind who has mostly brown fur and a little white beard. I think she looks very much like Chris Christopherson. Georgie is very soft and fluffy and I really love her. And she absolutely does not care for me.

And there's nothing I can do. No amount of treats will change it. And I think it stems from very early on. Now, Georgie is not a, a very warm dog to begin with with strangers right but there was an incident where at katherine mike's home i accidentally stepped on georgie's foot and i believe that georgie has never and will never forgive me for that. Right.

I don't like it. Georgie, I'm wagging my giraffe finger puppet finger at you. You ought to be friends with Paul F. Tompkins. Boo. All I want to do is love her. That's all. Yeah. Well, that's all I want to do.

John, we've got more Paul F. topics, but let's talk about the Max Fund Drive for a second because it's a special time of year. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In.

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This week's episode is Paul F. Topics with the legendary Paul F. Tompkins. I would have said, and forgive me. Yeah. Because I love a portmanteau. Paul F. Tompics. From now on, this episode is dedicated to Paul F. Tompics. Yes. Right.

Victory in our time. This feels like a challenge to me to say Tompics seven more times over the course of the next 45 minutes. Is it Tompics or Tompics? Tompics. Tompics. Paul F. Tompics. I'mics? Tompics. Tompics. I'm not picking anything. No. You're picking on us. I'm a bully.

You're a delight. Everyone knows you're not a bully. But they also all know your classic bully impression. Hee hee. That really brings me back to fifth grade recess. Paul, everyone knows that you are not a bully.

Everyone knows you cut a very fine jib. You like to wear nice clothes. And it's no surprise that we've had a few questions about some wardrobe questions, some sartorial questions, not only about the suits and such, but also hats. And we've got a question about two kinds of hats. It's a little loaded in the age of the internet. Jesse, why don't you give this one to Paul? This is from Maximum Fun subreddit user Heavier Than Air. And the question is, what finally is the difference between a fedora and a trilby. I'm very glad you asked. Every trilby is a fedora, but not every fedora is a trilby.

If memory serves from my years as a haberdasher at the famous Hats in the Belfry on South Street in Philadelphia, the shape of the fedora, the brim and everything, that's what makes it a fedora, and a trilby is a smaller, tighter version of that. That means the brim is not quite as wide. Yeah, the brim is shorter.

The crown is shorter. And like your Indiana Jones, the professor of archeology, he wears a fedora. Yeah, that's true. A snap brim fedora. And a trilby is the kind of, the trilby is the hat that became called the fedora that's true um a snap brim fedora and a trilby is the kind of the trilby is the hat that became called the fedora when people like characters from entourage would be wearing them

yeah yeah you know and that's so that that's the that's what a lot of people mistakenly just refer to it's not mistakenly referred to as a fedora, but it is not as specific as what. And I think you want to be specific because you're talking about that kind of hat that you hate. Yeah. And the type of person that wears it that you're leery of. That is a trilby. Paul, would you sport a fedora or a trilby today? You like that kind of hat? Yeah.

Okay. I often do. Yeah. Not a trilby, though. Trilby does not work for me with my head and face shape. But not because of any cultural connotation,

simply because you don't like the way it looks on you. You know what it is? They're also, a lot of them are very, they're sort of cheaply made. You know?

They're very mass marketed. You can get nicer ones. Right. But honestly, if I were to wear a trilby, I would have to take a page out of the book of my friend, Lowly Worm, and make it an Alpine one. Whoa. And would you drive around in a little Apple car? Of course I would.

That Apple car has got to be so much fun to drive around in. I bet it tips real easy, though. It's pretty tall. Yeah, but then it just rolls. You know what I mean? We've got some hot hat talk coming up where we're going to visit a bunch of different hats in a moment. Before we leave the topic of hats,

Paul, you mentioned Hats in the Belfry. And I got very excited. I'm always so excited whenever you say Hats in the Belfry because I love that weird hat store. And if you ever want to hear me being excited, get Paul's recording of his Laboring Under Delusions show, the Bell House edition from Brooklyn, live in Brooklyn.

Oh, yes. And when you mention Hats in the Belfry, you will hear someone in the background going, whoo! And Paul gets very confused as to why someone's doing that. That person is me. I'm getting very excited in that recording. Did I know that?

No, you didn't know and it freaked you out and I apologize. Is this a reveal right now that that was you? We never talked about this before? I've never told you? Maybe, I don't know. I mean, I remember it. I don't think you have. It's a great, anyway, go get Paul's.

Bell House, Brooklyn recording of Laboring Under Delusions. And, but you brought up that you had worked in a haberdashery and a number of people wrote in wanting to know if you could settle or explain the difference between a haberdasher and a milliner. Can either of you, you're both sartorial gentlemen. A milliner makes hats. Yeah. A milliner is like me and Paul's friend, Cody Willima of Willima Hat Works in Altadena, California. He makes the hats.

A haberdasher is someone who sells gentlemen's clothing. Yes. A haberdashery covers more than just hats. All right. That's the answer that everyone was looking for. Here's one from Max Fund member and subredditor,

Baltanerdist. Is it ever okay to buy a pre-tied bow tie? Sure. Paul says sure. I think it's fine because when I would wear bow ties, I'm going to say this is before 2007, 8. It would be a pre-tied bow tie if I had to wear a tuxedo for something. And then eventually I was like, I want to teach myself how to do this. So I watched a number of YouTube tutorials and none of them was really getting me

to the finish line. I remember I had bought a bow tie, a self-tie bow tie, and I was doing shows with Amy Mann. We were on the road and I said, you know what? I'm just going to quickly watch some videos on my phone, learn how to do this so I can wear it for the show. And I tried for an hour. I watched multiple videos and at the end I got it to sort of look like a bow tie but it still wasn't quite right and I also gave myself a repetitive stress injury in my arms where I

could not feel my hands for about an hour, 90 minutes and had to like trust that I was holding the microphone correctly. No. And I eventually saw a video that included a part that the other videos did not include.

They included an angle the other videos did not include. I was like, ah, that's it. So yeah, I like being able to tie a bow tie, but I'm not really strict about what's okay and what's not okay with fashion because fashion is all made up. And if you want to wear a bow tie and you don't know how to do it, sure, throw on a self-tie bow tie. They make good ones now. They make some that don't look pre-tied, but it's fun to learn. I would say it's okay to wear the pre-tied, but it's fun to learn. I would say it's okay to wear the,

the, the pre-tied, but it's fun to learn how to do it. And, um, you'll be glad that you did. Paul, you taught me how to tie a bow tie at your wedding. I remember that, you know, there were, I had two pupils at that wedding. Oh, I thought I had signed up for this. So for the solo mentoring, but okay. No, two guys signed up for it at the same time, and I was double booked. There was nothing I could do. All right. But I think I was able to teach you, but I was not able to teach Phil, unfortunately.

Oh, no, really? Is that why he's always wandering around with that untied bow tie around his neck, even to this day? Yeah. Judge Hodgman, here comes Jesse Thorne. I hate pre-tied bow ties. I don't think, look, I think if you're put in a situation where you have to wear a bow tie,

like you're in a wedding party. Right. And you don't have the chance to learn how to tie it yourself, I don't think anyone is going to judge you. I think it'll be fine. But I kind of feel like if you're going to do it regularly, like if it's going to be you. I think it'll be fine. But I kind of feel like if you're going to do it

regularly, like if it's going to be part of your life, it's a do it or don't do it situation. Because I feel like a self-tied bow tie looks so much better. And I think the mistake sometimes that non-bow tie wearers make is they think their goal in tying their own bow tie is to make it look like a pre-tied bow tie, which is to say to have it be perfectly aligned. And, but actually the purpose, like if you're wearing a bow tie, the reason you're doing it is to have an unusual and expressive form of neckwear, right? Like it's, you know, maybe you're a doctor and you don't want your long tie to, you know, be unsanitary or whatever. That's why a lot of doctors wear bow ties instead of long ties. Because their ties are constantly dipping into

open wounds. Right. There's like reasons why you don't want, some people wear a bow tie because they don't want a long tie flapping around. Yeah. That's why Orville Redenbacher wore a bow tie because otherwise this tie was going to get in the butter yeah he didn't want his tie getting popped yeah um but like i feel like when you are tying it yourself which i think as paul said like it's not super hard to learn it will pop in when it pops in and for a lot of people the secret is that it's just exactly the same as tying your shoes. Some people don't have the like way to shift the geometry in their head from their top of their shoe to their neck,

just different kinds of brains. But for a lot of people, it's like, it's the same as tying your shoes. And then they're like, Oh, okay. And then they can just do it.

But I think that the reason that you wear a bow tie is for the expressiveness. And that expressiveness is takes the form of it being floppy, it being uneven, it being expressive. And so a little imperfect because it's fun. Yeah. And I find myself unless, you know, there there are there are bow tie. Unless, you know, there are bowtie. If you're Pee Wee Herman or you're in The Fruit of Islam, then that little straight, you know, if you're Brother, I was always bummed that it was obviously a pre-tied bow tie. And when you're making a TV show, I'd imagine there's continuity issues, but it still was always a bummer because

I thought like, if he's wearing the bow tie as a character thing, that he's like that kind of guy, well, that kind of guy loves to show a little something in his tie. Well, let's jump ahead here to this question from listener member Chris Hockman, because this is pertinent. It's a very open ended question for you, Paul. What is gauche? Are there any strict fashion crimes that you think that someone should ever never a person should never do or wear i don't think so no i i think you can wear whatever you want i i mean one of the one of the great things about living in the time that we do is that people are allowed to dress in their own way and there's not a uh social uniform that everyone has to follow as there was in days gone

by. I used to be stricter about this stuff. And now it's like, it's up to you if you want to play by the rules of these things go with each other, these things don't go with each other, that kind of thing. That can be fun. You know, if you want to put together an outfit like that. That said, I think that fashion is, it's all made up. And it's like, if there's no practical reason to not do something, then do it, you know. Is there any, an occasion where it would be inappropriate to wear a suit with little anchors on it modeled after the suit that the mayor wore in Jaws? Absolutely no occasion is inappropriate for that. I'd wear that in a baseball game. Absolutely. I will say, I will say this though, and because we mentioned weddings earlier, I think there are occasions where you, if somebody

asks you to dress up, you got to dress up, you know, because it's, there is something fun about the ceremony of things. Like this is the only time I do this is for this occasion, you know? Right. And I think that's a, I think that that's something that you should observe. And I think that's a, I think that that's something that you should observe. And I think that you, if you, if you're somebody who doesn't like suits or you don't like dresses or whatever, find your way that you're comfortable with that while still abiding by the dress code. There's, there's so much stuff out there. There's so many ways you can go where you're still wearing a suit and tie.

There's so much stuff out there. There's so many ways you can go where you're still wearing a suit and tie. You're still wearing a dress, but it's not, it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. Something a little special and elevated at the very least that will show you're honoring the fact that you're blowing off Paul F. Tompkins' Varietopia show to go to this annoying wedding in Atlanta. Yeah. But you're doing it out of respect for the relationship that your husband has with his brother. Fashion is also a social act, right?

It is an act of communication and communion with others. And so I think it is important to remember that you are making a choice in that area. You're not only choosing something that affects you, but something that communicates with the people around you. And so, like, just as on Judge John Hodgman, we often have those dads who think they have a system that supersedes everything else. Right. Because it's quote unquote logical. Yeah. Or whatever. Or whatever. Right. I think that when we are getting dressed every day, we are expressing ourselves, but self-expression is not the only goal of getting dressed, right? Like at a wedding, part of what you're doing is communicating that you're participating in a ceremony with everyone else where part of that

ceremony is that everyone wears the similar kind of outfit, right? That we're all doing that as part of this act together. If you go to an office where people wear suits and ties or, you know, or, you know, long skirts or whatever. Part of that act is a specific social choice, right? It's a choice that we all wear this thing together to show that we're serious about the work that we're doing. Let's say you are a finger puppet giraffe at Digital Island Studios in Manhattan, and you can't tie a bow tie because you don't have arms.

Is it okay to use a Ricola from the bowl of Ricolas on the table and look like this? Is that a good bow tie? I think that looks smashing. Doesn't that look good? It's really great. And it has all those Swiss herbs. I would wear that if it were bow tie sized. Yeah.

Can we commission a Ricola shaped bow tie for Paul? Honestly, I think that would be really funny. I think that would be the Oscar Meyer wienermobile of bow ties. Absolutely. This one is from listener member Corsair. Top five hats. Schultzbuster said beret.

This is top to bottom. Beret. Oh no. South, South Western. Bretonet. Oh, no. Southwestern. Breton cap. Straw cattleman. Newsboy cap. Number one is newsboy cap. First of all,

Schultz Buster, I happen to know that you don't live in America, but this is America and baseball cap has to be in there. There's no top five hat list in the United States. It doesn't include baseball hat. That's insane. That's madness. We're going to be talking about baseball later, and Paul is wearing a baseball hat right now.

It's true. Beret is number one. It's astonishing. No, number five. That was number five. The beret was number five. Oh, number five. Still, a beret would not have been in my top five.

No. I've worn a beret some lately, John. I wore a beret on tour. I liked it. What's a sou'wester? Is that the kind of hat that you wear in a Nor'easter? Like that big Gordon's Fisherman hat? This is a joke list.

I do not accept this list. Yes, it's that big yellow cap that you see on a fish stick box. Come on. Don't be silly. No. That's not a fashion hat. That's a weather protection hat exclusively. No one wears that hat because they like wearing that hat.

It's because they work at a lighthouse and it sucks. Yeah. What's a Breton cap? I don't know what a Breton cap is. That's like a sort of, not a Greek fisherman's cap, but a sort of peaked cap. I do like a Breton. It's probably Breton.

Breton! Breton. Bret I do like a Breton. It's probably Breton. Breton! Breton! Breton! Hat to Breton! It is a lot like a Greek fisherman's hat. It's also a little bit like a cabbie's hat.

It's like an all-black cabbie's hat. And now that we've talked about a bunch of different hats, I feel like, do you feel warmed up? You ready to go? You got a top five.

Paula Dawkins is top five. I'm going to say a top hat. Number one with a bullet. I'm going to say a straw boater. Number two. Wow. Then I'm going to put your, I'm going to put your peaked cap,

a variety. Number three. I do love a peak cap. I don't forgive me. I'm not sure I your peaked cap variety number three. I do love a peaked cap. I don't. Forgive me. I'm not sure I understand what a peaked cap is. Like any sort of uniform looking cap. Like a bus driver hat.

Just a general. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. From like the very structured uniform hat down to like a sailor's fiddler cap or whatever.

Like that style I really like. Sure. A sailor's fiddler cap or whatever like that style i really like sure um a sailor's thorn pipe number four uh i'm gonna put a newsboy there and number five baseball hat yeah i got i got my number one hat corduroy hartford Whalers baseball hat sent to me by Jesse Thorne. Cannot leave the house without getting one compliment from at least one hockey dude. The greatest, the greatest conversation starter. If I want to be friends with hockey dudes. Paul F. Tompkins is of course from the great city of Philadelphia, and we will be covering Philadelphia

topics in just a moment. And it's Max Fundrive time right now. So let's talk a little bit about that. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace because yes listening is mandatory the jv club with janet varney is available every thursday on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts thank you and remember no running in the halls

if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-o-d-c-a-s-t-i hmm are you trying to put the name of the podcast there yeah i'm trying to spell it but it's tricky If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit.

No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-p-p-p-d-c-o-o ah we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go it's the judge john hodgman, Paul F. Tompix edition. And Paul, we've mentioned that your home city is Philadelphia. That is where you are from. It is where you worked at Hats in the Belfry on South Street.

It is where I worked at Beta Only Video. Beta Only Video. Wow. Paul, when you were on South Street, maybe you went over to Jim's Steaks. Maybe the Great Philly Pizza Company. Absolutely. Absolutely. There used to be a great, like, antiquarian bookstore on South Street.

Absolutely. Big orange cat in the window always. Absolutely. Soaking up that sun. I used to walk South Street because my mom was from Philadelphia and my family still lives there. And I just, I love talking about Philadelphia with

you. So we had to talk about some Philadelphia stuff. Jesse, what's the first one we got? This one is from MaxFun's subredditor UND88. Who wins in a fight? Gritty or the Philly Fanatic? The question is false because they would never fight.

Bingo. They would never fight. Philly Fanatic, greatest to ever do it. Gritty has injected so much fun stuff into the concept of mascot. You absolutely love to see it. He really, really legitimately entertains me. Like, the Philly Fanatic is a, I think the best of the classic mascots,

and Gritty represents the future of what mascots could be. You're saying that neither one of them could be hypnotized by a supervillain into fighting with the other one? No, never. I have to say, like, the idea that the same guy and his firm created the Philly Fanatic, whatever, 40, 50 years ago now, then re-revolutionized mascot construction with Gritty 30, 35 years later is absolutely extraordinary to me. What

an act of genius. I didn't know it was the same person, the same mascot designer. This guy runs a mascot firm. He's a genius. I had an interview with him one time. He's like the ultimate Kiwanis Club speaker. Like, just his entire life is like an expression of like motivational aphorism in the absolute purest and best way. Like, he really is like, I just follow my joy. And you're like, I believe you, sir. That sounds great. Every half century, I come up with a new one.

Let me say this about Gritty. And I'm talking directly to the camera right now. All right. It's watching you. You're just listening. I'm talking directly to your ears. I remember when Gritty was first debuted and all the people online tried roasting him and saying, what is this nightmare fuel and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I knew he was good. And I told you all, I told you all, you'll see eventually you'll all love this guy. And I was right. Gritty got the PFT vouch.

I knew it. I could see it. He was beautiful. It's almost like people online don't want to like anything. Exactly. Counterpoint. It's good. Yeah. It's not like mascots are debuting all the time, but we've gotten so, you know, poisoned by the internet that anything that's introduced now that's whimsical,'re like this sucks and it didn't suck it was great how did you feel when the philly the phillies fanatic debuted and i think it was 1978 or so yeah i was that a big deal i i remember it was a big deal

yeah to me and i'm and i wasn't from philadelphia. Yeah. Because the Phillies, I don't think it had a real 3D mascot like that that was fun and interactive or anything. They had like a few like they had Phil and Phyllis and you know, all that, but they weren't the same as what the Philly fanatic was doing. Phil and Phyllis sound like

grandparents. That does not sound like fun. Oh, guess what? Even with a PH. Two little colonial children yeah they're they're not a ball oh problematic much no thank you what did you did you know that they changed the philly fanatic design they lightened the fur and put pink stars around its eyes i did and i finally got i got used to it i got used to it yeah it was very it was honestly very jarring to me at first but i but i got used to it. I got used to it. It was very, it was honestly very jarring to me at first, but I, but I got used to it. Did you guys know that the San Diego chicken is just a guy and he's like in his seventies

now, he's always been the San Diego chicken. He owns the San Diego chicken and he may die and bring the San Diego chicken with him to his grave. He's got to be buried in the costume Diego chicken with him to his grave. He's got to be buried in the costume. One assumes. You have to. Is there anything San Diegan about a chicken that I'm missing? Like, is there any?

Absolutely not. No. It's just random. The San Diego chicken is an extreme. It's like the Harlem Globetrotters or something. It's not tied to San Diego in a meaningful way in 2024. Maybe I'm misremembering this. Was it originally a radio mascot that became sort of gravitated towards the Padres or something?

I believe it. I don't think Gritty and the Philly Fanatic would ever fight, but I think the Swingin' Fryer and the San Diego Chicken might have it out. For sure. Absolutely. Friar versus fryer, right? Ha ha! You've done it! Okay, here's something from listener member Nick W. If I'm in Philadelphia, should I eat Scrapple?

Is it actually good, or is it something people in Philadelphia eat because it's there? Yeah, here we go. Well, I mean, we also eat it because we think it is good. I personally love it. It's its own taste. And, you know, I'm extremely biased. I'm extremely biased. I go to the point of having it shipped here so I can have it on the weekends as a little treat. But my wife from South Carolina finds it disgusting, hates the smell of it cooking, will not eat it. But she will eat boiled peanuts, which is just wet peanuts. So everybody has their thing.

Every region has their thing. And sometimes people can get into it. Sometimes people can't. I would say, I would say, try it at least, you know, if you are carnivorous, give it a shot. And if you don't like it, I get it. I'm not going to try to convince you. Otherwise food is food. Like there's no, it's the scrapple is not an essential vitamin source. So I'm not going to try to tell people, no, Scrapple is not an essential vitamin source. So I'm not going to try to tell people, no, you must eat this. Well, it was to people in the British Navy in the 18th century. That's how they held off scurvy.

But I'm not going to try to convince somebody they have to eat a brick of sweepings because I think it's good. Meat sweepings. Yeah. I'll say this, John, I'm from San Francisco, as you know, and live in Los Angeles. I've been to Philadelphia a few times. Each time I have eaten Scrapple, and maybe it's because I like the idea of a brick that combines the sort of sausage and carb into one thing. That sounds pretty good to me. And I ate it and liked it. It's not something I would have shipped to me because I don't have the emotional attachment to it that Paul has. But I certainly would, you know, go out to one of those Amish breakfast places-Atlantic region, Philadelphia, South Jersey, Baltimore.

And it has, I think that it does have origins in the Pennsylvania German Amish community. Yes. But it is, you know, food, it's called scrapple for a reason. It's right there in the name scrap. It's trimmings from pork that a reason. It's right there in the name Scrapp. It's trimmings from pork that you wouldn't have otherwise have used for. It's everything that's not good enough to make it into a hot dog.

Right. There should be a Scrapple van. You know what I mean? Like if there's an Ostermeyer Wienermobile. You know, the Cybertruck is almost a Scrapple van. That's true. And you form this into a loaf. You grind that stuff up with cornmeal, I think, typically,

and you form it and sage, and you form it into a loaf, and then you fry it. Now, I love Scrapple. I love Scrapple even though I do have to eat it to live because as a child, I was cursed by a Philadelphia mummer. And if I don't eat Scrapple twice a year, I will expire. But even so, even though it is mandatory, I enjoy it very much. And I would say that you can have it shipped to you.

Sometimes you can find it. We used to be able to find it in the freezer section of our supermarket in Maine for some reason. I don't know why. I mean, sometimes it manifests in strange places. I actually just had it last weekend because my sister-in-law found it in a market in the Upper West Side.

I got to get up there and stock up. But if you're going to try it, you really should wait till you're in Philadelphia where they know how to make it because it's not easy to make. You have to either deep fry it, which is the, that was the little Pete's way, as you'll remember, Paul, when we went to have breakfast there once or twice. Yeah.

In a diner, they'll take a big slice of scrap on, they'll deep fry it because it's got to form a crust. Yeah. Otherwise, it's just mush. Or you have to cook it very slowly in a pan. But if you're in Philadelphia, I'm with Paul. And if you eat that kind of thing, you should give it a try because it's one of the few places where they actually know how to make it properly. But Paul, I got a couple of follow-ups.

Sure. A little bit of a lightning round. Scrapple or pork roll? You can only have one. Oh, scrapple. Cheesesteak or hoagie or cheesesteak hoagie or roast pork sandwich? Cheesesteak. Just straight up?

Mm-hmm. With or without onions? With. What kind of cheese? Whiz or no whiz? Whiz, please. But if not whiz, American cheese is very good on a cheesesteak. I agree with you.

And do you have a preferred place to get it in Philadelphia? My preferred place was always Ishka Bibble, which was a little window on South Street between 3rd and 4th. I remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy, they had some quaint names for businesses on South Street. Boy, they did. You know, these baseball players also have some strange names these days. Tasty Cake.

Here we go. Last one. Tasty Cake or Here we go. Last one. Tasty cake or bookbinder snapper soup. I'd take the one and dip it in the other. Take a bite of that crimp it and then dip it in there. Let it soak up the brine. Paul, we've got one here from listener member Brendan. Philadelphia water ice or lunar water ice, which is to say the ancient water that is frozen at the poles of the moon.

What color is it? Gray. I got to say gray. Nah, water ice then. Water ice, excuse me. Water ice. Water ice. My favorite flavor?

Red. That's how you order it, right right you order it by the color no people are it's just by flavor but when i was a little kid i was just like this was all colors to me that's what they call italian ice in yeah new england yeah yeah yeah it's it's shave ice is more first of all you got the ice cream in there as well, but it's more granular. And Italian ice or water ice is more, it's smooth. It's got a creamier texture to it. It's sort of like a dense sorbet. Yeah, the last time I was in Philly, I had a water ice for the first time in decades, and it was truly delicious.

Last time I was down the shore, I went to Rita's Water Ice, and I said, it's sort of like a dense sorbet, isn't it? And Rita said, yes. And Rita said, yes, you're the expert. You're right, hon. Yeah. Speaking of the moon, by the way, the lunar surface thereof, our friend David Reese recently posed a question on their podcast Election Profit Makers with John Kimball. And I'm going to pose it.

Well, I'm not going to pose it to you because it's dumb. If your safety was assured, would you rather walk on the surface of the moon or walk through the wreck of the Titanic? Obviously, you're in a

containment suit of some kind. The moon. The moon, right? It's obvious. I feel like there's something about shipwrecks. Underwater shipwrecks is so scary to me. It's obvious. I feel like something about shipwrecks, underwater shipwrecks, is so scary to me.

It's so eerie and spooky, and I think it would really freak me out. I think it's self-evident that the moon is the only answer, but let me rephrase a slightly different question. If your safety was assured, again, you would survive this experience. Would you rather walk on the surface of the moon or watch the Phillies win the World Series from the surface of the field of Citizens Bank Park? Oh, like I'm on the field? Like you're on the field. Specifically, David is talking about you can walk around on the field completely safely without interfering with the play. You're guaranteed.

So you can walk out to left field. You can go over to shortstop. Wherever you want to be, you're not messing with the game and you're safe. Yeah, you would experience it. But I guess you would be like invisible and intangible to the play. Like you wouldn't be interfering with the game in any way. Maybe they would see your footsteps. No, because then they would get distracted.

This is a harder question than I thought it would be. Those are your things. But you'd be alone, obviously. You'd be watching. And they would win the World Series. And if you wanted to participate in like the World Series celebration, obviously you would have to wrap yourself in bandages. Yeah.

Which might be scary to the players. I don't want to bum them out. They just won the World Series. I don't know. Most baseball teams have at least one mummy, right? Yeah, but now there's two. You know what I mean? That was the old...

I think John McGraw always kept a mummy around for good luck. If this is our mummy, who's that mummy? Paul, people may or may not know that, you know, in the past dozen, maybe five to eight years or so, you have really gotten into baseball. I reignited my childhood love of the game, yes. Yeah, you're wearing a Phillies baseball cap right now, which is very snappy.

And so, I mean, we've talked about it for a while, and now a decision must be made. Would you want to walk on the surface of the moon as a tangible human being, or would you want to walk around the field during the World Series winning game of the Philadelphia Phillies? Meaning that the Phillies do win that World Series. That is right. I got to go with the moon. I mean, it's the moon.

Wow. You know what I mean? Like as much as I've, first of all, trying to convince people that this story is true, that I was there invisibly for the game is going to be, that's going to be the rest of my life. No one believes me.

So you're would go to the moon because not only would you get to experience the moon, but everyone would know you went to the moon and then you'd get to be in a ticker tape parade and you'd be famous for it. I hope so. Paul, I have one last question for you before we go. And this isn't a judgment question. It's a trivia question because I learned this and it surprised me as I was doing my research. Oh, all right.

Fun. According to the obituary of this famous Philadelphian broadcaster in 2016, famous Philadelphian broadcaster dies 2016. What do Elvis Presley, Martina Navratilova, Jim Henson, Frank Perdue, and the Philly Fanatic all have in common? And I'll give you a hint. The Philly Fanatic, according to the Wikipedia article I read, debuted on this person's program in 1978. Was introduced to the children of Philadelphia on this program. Can I hear the list again? Yeah. Elvis Presley, Martina Navratilova, Jim Henson,

Frank Perdue, and the Philly Fanatic. This seems impossible, but I'm going to say they all appeared on Captain Noah and His Magical Ark. Sound effect, please. Indicating triumph. Because you're absolutely right. Wow. It was either that or Al Albert showcase. I don't know.

I don't even know that one, man. I feel it's a shame. I don't, I mean, is there such a thing as local programming anymore? Because that was YouTube. I guess local programming was so, it was a special weird thing that, you know,

I took for granted at the time. And when I think about it now, um, Al Albert showcase was, uh, a variety show hosted by this man, Al Alberts, who was in a singing group,

Al Alberts and the Four Aces. Sure. And I think their big hit that charted was Heart of My Heart. And so he would host this show that over the years just became Al Alberts and a bunch of little kids. And the little kids would tell jokes and they would sing

songs and andrea mccardle broadway's first annie sure um i think broke out of al albert showcase right but it really over the years i don't remember seeing an adult on the show besides al alberts in the last decade of that show. Maybe there's a good reason there isn't local programming anymore. It's starting to sound a little, there was never anything untoward implied about Al Alberts. He was just this grandfatherly type guy. And he would, you know,

the, the kids would call him uncle Al's uncle. I have a joke for you. And he would say, okay, what is it? And they would just like stammer their way through this corny old joke. And then he would, you know, he would act like he'd never heard this joke before.

And the audience would applaud. And yeah, but Captain Noah was a kid show. Yeah. With a nautical theme. Captain Noah had this arc. He dressed in this old-fashioned maritime uniform. And he would have guests on, and they would do crafts. And, you know, they would send in,

he would encourage kids to send in pictures. Send your pictures to dear old Captain Noah. That's right. And they would put them on the air as the song, send your pictures to dear old Captain Noah. That would play. And they would put them on the air as the song, Send your pictures to dear old Captain Noah. That would play. Wow. And they would sing the song for as long as they showed the picture.

There were not many verses to it. So they would start it up from the beginning. And they would show, you know, these terrible kids drawing on the air. It was adorable. Paul, that was so lovely to hear you sing that song. And thank you for being here. It's such a delight to have you on the show whenever you can come by. It's always my pleasure, gents.

You're going on tour with Varietopia. Yes, I am. I happen to know that you're making a swing through New England. That's correct. Going to Portsmouth, New Hampshire, of all places. And Waldo, Maine, the Waldo Theater in Waldo Borough, Maine. Yeah. Which is going to be a delight.

I'm going to try to hit that show. And Kelly, if you're out there, you've got free tickets coming to you from your brother-in-law. Yeah. For any show that's closest to you, just go to paulftompkins.com slash live and also make sure to listen to Freedom and the Neighborhood Listen and Stay at Homekins. If you're listening

to this and it's not already evident to you, Paul F. Tompkins is the greatest comedy podcaster in the world and you should be listening to at least one of his programs, if not all of them. Drop our show, listen to his. And if you Google Captain Noah and go to the Channel 6 website

where they have some of the old shows archived, there's one that comes in from 1977, top of the list. At the end of it, Captain Noah introduces his wife, Mrs. Noah, who's always on the show, and his daughter and his grandchildren, and he sings the song, and they've got a goat that they're holding. It's the most ador- I couldn't stop. Also, and he sings the song, and they've got a goat that they're holding. It's the most adorable.

Like, I couldn't stop. Also, I just want to say thank you also to our new mascot, Ricky, the Ricola Bowtied Giraffe. Picks no fights with Gritty or the Fanatic. He's one of the top mascots of all time. And, Paul, is there anything else you'd like to mention before we let you go back to your regular life? No. Thank you, Paul. The docket is clear.

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of course, created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. You can find photos from the show and all those cool Max Fund Drive thank you gifts at Judge John Hodgman on Instagram, also on the Maximum Fun page for this episode. We're also on TikTok and YouTube, Judge John Hodgman Pod. Follow and subscribe to see our episodes and also our special video-only content. Paul, speaking of all of your wonderful podcasts, you have an amazing podcast with your wife and whole human being in her own right. The actor, Jamie Haddad Tompkins. And it's called Stay F. Homekins. You do it once a month.

And I was extremely excited to be a guest on one of your bonus Patreon episodes. Yes, we're reacting to episodes of Vanderpump Rules because our recapping skills prove to be non-existent. Oh, okay. Well, I was very thrilled to be a part of that and to be introduced to the Vanderpump-er-verse. Reality TV is full of disputes, which only leads me to imagine that our audience must have some disputes

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