Judge John Hodgman - Polly Wanna Justice?

Episode Date: January 30, 2013

Kim and her husband Chris co-habitate with a pet parrot. The bird adores Kim but behaves badly around her husband and son. How far should they go to accomodate the parrot?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, Polly won a justice? Kim and her husband Chris cohabitate with a pet parrot. While the bird adores Kim, he's badly behaved around her husband and son. How much leniency should they show the parrot? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Ah, this time they are really gone. It's all over. Finished. No more scales, no more Canadians pulling pizza from the garbage, no more cultural paraphrases, and no more piehole shutting. Shut your piehole. Oh, so it's you, you clever dick. If you value your feathers, I advise you to put on another record. Billions of blistering barnacles.

Shut your piehole when I'm swearing them in. Very nice parrot voice, Jesse. Go ahead, swear them in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear? I went to acting school. Swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help you God or whatever. Or whatever. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that his only

pet bird was a Central American quetzal, which was eaten by his pet cat, which was an ocelot? We do. Very well. Judge Hodgman? You went to parrot acting school, no less. Jesse, I've seen your diploma. It has your guano all over it. You may be seated for an

immediate summary judgment in one of your favors. I think that's how you say a thing. Can you name the piece of popular culture that I was paraphrasing as I entered the courtroom? I'm going to guess Muppet Treasure Island. Is that Kim? Yes, that's Kim. Kim, you are wrong.

I'm going to have to go with some version of the monty python parrots get oh that would have been a terrible thing for me to do but nonetheless i am tempted to go back in time and do that would have if i if i had quoted honestly if i I had quoted the entire dead parrot sketch from Monty Python, I probably would have had a flashback to freshman year of high school in the cafeteria when people were quoting that sketch all the time because I ate lunch with lonely nerds. Exactly. Hey, honey, so did we. Yeah, join the club. Yeah, well, if that were really true, though, you would know that I was quoting from the famous Belgian

comic book Tintin, known in the United States as Tintin. Now that you know that it was from a Tintin comic, can you name the comic? Not the comic, the album, the book? i'll give you i can't i'll give you i'll give you a hint it has a parrot in it can i guess go ahead go ahead racist adventures over exactly in the orient tin tin tin tin and the fight between two royal families in a colonial enterprise. No, incorrect, Jesse. And you are all wrong.

All people are wrong. The correct answer is the Castafiore Emerald, in which Captain Haddock is given a parrot by Bianca Castafiore, who comes to Marlin Spike Hall to visit, and absolutely nothing happens. I think it was the second to last fully completed Tintin, and the one where Hergé, the creator of the strip, was essentially dreaming of retirement. For us, we've been out nerded and therefore, and therefore wrote this weird domestic sort of, uh,

countryside cozy story where, uh, Bianca Castafiore comes and, a jewel is stolen, but it turns out it's not really stolen and they find it at the end, the end. Well, now I don't have to read it.

Um, no, you do have to read it. That is your punishment. I'm sorry. Uh, now I don't have to read it. No, you do have to read it. That is your punishment. I'm sorry. All right. So Kim and Gentleman, what is your name again, please? Chris.

Chris. So you say. And normally I don't like to mention people's last names on the show unless they agree to it. And I'm hoping that you'll agree to mention your last name because it is remarkable. Sure. Our last name is Van Munchen. Yay. Do you know that?

That is my new secret last name. My previous secret last name was Katze Krummer, which is German for cat elbow. But now from now on, I am judge John Katze Krummer Van Munching. Oh, I couldn't be prouder. But you pronounce it Van Munching, which is even better. Just Van Munching. We're just Americanized.

You've Americanized it to a delightful surname. All right, good. Thank you. Kim, what was your name? You changed your name to Van Munching? Can you believe it? I had a four? You changed your name to Van Munching. Can you believe it? I had a four-letter last name, and I changed it. What was your last name before? It was Rand.

Rand. Kim Rand. Very easy. Yes. And you changed it to Van Munching. And here I am. I'm a Van Munching. And because you changed your name to the ridiculous name of a cartoon character, you believe that you should be allowed to keep an incredibly intrusive parrot. Kind of, yeah.

All right. So you have a parrot. What kind of parrot do you have? It is called an Amazon, a yellow-naped Amazon. A yellow-naped Amazon. And what is your parrot's name? Munching? His name is Kobe. K-O-B-E.

Because you like to name pets out of things that you eat? Out of steaks. Yes, correct. No, it's out of the name of the Japanese city. I just had gone there on a trip and I, that's what I decided to name the parrot. And you smuggled a parrot back into the United States? In a sock. What was it? What, what was it? No, actually I adopted, I adopted Kobe from a pet store. Um, actually I'm not buzz marketing, but the pet store, it was called, it was in Manhattan and it was called 33rd and Bird. Everyone's got a funny idea for a store these days.

Right? Exactly. Does it no longer exist, 33rd and Bird? You know, I'm not sure. It was a long time ago. It was 23 years ago. And you live in the northeastern area? Correct. And by adopted the bird, you mean you paid money for it and

took it home? You bought it like a... Correct. I brought it home as a little chick, a little featherless chick. Oh, really? And how old is young Kobe Van Munching now? He will be 23 in February. And how long have you been married? How long have I had him? How long have you been married? How long have I had him? How long have you been married? Oh, I beg your pardon. How long have you had Van Munchen? We've been married 16 years as of January, as of the beginning of this month. 18, 19, 20, 21, 22.

So by some simple math on my fingers, that means that Kobe Van Munchen, which is what the bird's name shall be from now on. Correct. Yes. Was around six years old, but a pup when you married your husband, Chris. Wow. That's hard to believe. Yes. Because it already felt like you had this dumb bird for a thousand years at that point, correct? He was just a little guy. He was just a little thing. And how long had you been dating your husband before you were married? That time, about six months, would you say, honey?

Is that right? About six or eight months. So you're the kind of lady who takes on huge responsibilities like raising a parrot and a van munching man. Right. I'm a risk taker. With nary a thought. Right. Because Kobe van munching the bird is going to live to be, what, 500 years old?

Right. How long will this thing live? Potentially, and he's extremely healthy according to his bet, 80 to 90. 80 to 90 years, which is always so astonishing and unfair. Right. That dumb birds get to live healthy, long, Methuselah-like lives. Because they can live much longer even then, too, right? Into the hundreds, right?

Oh, yeah. Maybe not an Amazon yellow-necked Japanese super parrot or whatever, but like a macaw, a macaw will get to be as old as a tortoise. In fact, sometimes macaws and tortoises have age races to see who can get older. See, Chris, it could have been worse, right? No, that remains to be seen. I agree with Chris's unspoken sentiment. It cannot be any worse.

to be seen. I agree with Chris, with Chris's unspoken sentiment. It cannot be any worse. And so, but I guess what I'm trying to evaluate, Chris, and maybe I'll let you speak for a little while now. Did, did Kobe Van Munching come into the, or I guess Kobe Van Munching, nay Rand, come into the picture before you or after you in the grand scheme of things? In the scheme of things, he came before me. So when you met Kim, she had already taken on the awesome responsibility of,

of ferrying this, this talking poop machine from cradle to grave. Screaming poop machine is more like it. Screaming poop machine from cradle to grave. You entered the relationship with Eyes Open because you could see it, basically, and hear it, right? Eyes Open, but blinded by love. I see.

Did she have any other pets at the time that you met? Nope. We ended up getting a dog five years ago, six years ago. And what is the name of this dog? Bingo. Oh, is that his name, though? How's that spelled, by the way? Oh, well, that's spelled like this.

Exactly. You nailed that. Is Bingo your dog, sir, or Kim's dog, or both of yours dogs? Well, he's supposed to be both of ours, but he's predominantly Kim's. And why is that? She's warm and cuddly. Uh-huh. All the animals like Kim.

They do, and she insists it's only because she feeds them. And you hate this bird and you want to kill it. Is that correct? That's not entirely true. So what is the dispute? I can't say I love him. I don't want to kill him. I just want him to be quiet.

Well, that will never happen. Right? Is that correct? Not yet, anyway. Kim, there is no way to, well, there's no way to de-vocalize an Amazon yellow-npe neck yellow-naped amazon parrot not that we've discovered not sanctioned by law uh and so this parrot is driving you crazy uh that's that's a fair assessment yeah yes and both of you no i'm watching him drive Chris crazy. He doesn't seem to bother me on the same level. I think I have a higher noise tolerance than Chris has.

So that I can get a sense, Chris, could you imitate the parrot? Oh, come on, honey. When he's happy, he'll call for Kim and say, Kim, Kim, hello. And when he's ticked off, it's, ah, ah, ah. And that gets a little tiresome. Does he imitate any other noises? He has what we call his devil voice.

Oh, that's great. When he thinks he's alone or he's doing his own thing, he goes. He says, yeah, it's this heavy metal voice. He says, Kobe, what a good boy you are. Kobe, Kobe. He's like a disgruntled GWAR fan. How many words does Kobe have? Like what vocabulary was that? Probably 40, 50, somewhere in there.

Like pigeon English. He's like, yeah, he's like, speaks very little English. He's kind of like a person trying to communicate with you that doesn't really have a great grasp of the language, but can kind of get by. So you don't want to murder this bird, but you do want to get rid of it. And how would you propose getting rid of it? Well, I never proposed getting rid of it. My biggest complaint or my biggest hope is that I'd like to get him to be quieter, and that's going to take some work from his mommy. First of all, please don't call your wife his mommy. Thank you. From his human captor.

That at least is accurate and not gross. From his human captor. That at least is accurate and not gross. Okay. So is there work that can be done, Kim, to quiet? Okay. Here's the problem is that he has become sexually mature at this point. Now we are getting somewhere.

So he's kind of set in his ways. That usually happens around 18 to 20. So we know that that's what what's happened and once they're that age they become a little bit harder to train and he's kind of opinionated at this point and he is a noisy guy he's just really noisy and the only way this is where the i think the crux of the matter is the only way that i can quiet him sufficiently for chris is to put him on the third floor of the house in a little cage up in this one room where chris can't hear him but my problem is at this point i feel like why are we why are we we're not providing a good home for him by just keeping him in a little room by himself.

It would be the same as if you had a dog and you just closed them in a room all day without interacting. Right. That's why I started looking at parrot rescue or a parrot foster parent. at parrot rescue or a parrot foster parent. Like I even got to, because Chris would get so upset, I got to the point where I thought maybe I should find him another home. So there is no dispute. You are going to kick this bird to the curb.

I would rather not. All right. Well, hang on. You've sent in some evidence. I've now heard Chris's imitation of the bird. Now I'm going to hear the bird itself and we'll see whether or not Chris is a liar. This is a small quick time video of a bird sitting in a cage doing nothing. Hello?

That's very unnerving. It sounds like when I call to my children from down the from down the hall hey kids hey kids hey kids come down here it's like you can't hear me that's so weird that's what he's doing he's calling he's trying to find me he's like hey where are you is that's what he's doing. He's trying to find me. He's like, hey, where are you? And what he's saying is Kim, and years ago we used to live next to a guy named Tim, and Kobe used to scream, and Tim would walk around his house looking to see who was calling him. And your solution was to put Tim in a little cage in the attic of your house? Is that how you solve all your problems? Well, I didn't think of that one. Hang on a second, sir.

I object to your characterization of this vocalization as Kim. I'm going to listen to it again. That's not Kim. That's... Are you both crazy? No. I swear to you. But he's adorable. Okay, now there's a picture.

Oh, no, this is also a motion picture of you and Kobe. He's on your shoulder nuzzling you. What's going on here? Yes, that's what he's like. When he's with me, like in that particular little clip, we are looking at part of an opera. And he likes to listen to the music. He's very affectionate. That's what he's like when Chris isn't around.

All right. Hang on a second. I'm going to take a look at this. And this will all obviously be posted on the Judge Sean Hodgman section of MaximumFun.org. But hang on one second. I'm going to take a listen. Such a good boy. It was so sad. she's gonna throw herself off a cliff are you trying to give them ideas Oh, my gosh.

Kobe Van Munching is singing. Yeah, he loves opera. He's singing along. What opera is that? La Wali. What's that? It's tragic. Oh, I don't know that one.

Did you ever see the movie Diva, that French movie from the 80s? The crime film? Yes. No, I never saw it. But it's from that? Yes. And you're narrating it to your bird. Yes, I am. This is the most delightful thing.

If I didn't know that parrots lived to be 100 years old, I would go out and get one right now. See, I'm telling you. There is nothing... come on, Chris. Your wife is watching opera with a parrot on her shoulder. What could be sexier than that? That is awesome.

I submit you have been sent heavily biased evidence. No, honey, I sent him the dog video too. Okay, all right. Let's see. So this is your dog bingo i'm seeing i'm hearing two terrible noises the one that sounds like a burn victim is kobe oh so kobe is crying from the other room and bingo is howling exactly bingo is singing along with Kobe. And so I'm supposed to feel bad for this dumb dog.

Cause this is an incredible bird that sings opera. No, because that's what Chris hears in his office. When I'm, when I leave the house, the bird starts, if the bird will say Kim, and then if I don't come to him,

he will start making that noise, that kind of, ah, ah, that noise. And then when he starts doing that, which he obviously learned from the dog. Maybe you shouldn't be making those terrible noises to your parrot all the time, because the parrot's just going to imitate them. So basically I leave and all hell breaks loose. So you leave the house, you leave the house to go to work? No, I leave the house just to, you know, go to the grocery store. Do you have, do either of you have an occupation or why are you stuck in the house with these animals all day long, Chris?

I work out of the house. What is your work? What is your work? i have my own small company uh i sell antique porcelain okay and the my showroom is in part of the house and the computer is in a room adjacent to the kitchen and the kitchen is where kobe. I see. I see. So I specialize in porcelain that shatters when people see high notes about it. Not yet. My job is to walk around the house handling highly explosive nitroglycerin, so I cannot be started. If only.

All right. And you live in the Northeast because you bought the beast at 33rd and Bird. Correct. And you live in New York? No, we live in Connecticut now. All I know is that you do not live in San Francisco and therefore could not bring your parrot to our live show in San Francisco, which

makes me angry at both of you. I know. I'm sorry. We can FedEx them. So you find this to be very distracting, but it's been distracting for 16 years. Why has this come to a head now, sir? I would say it started coming to a head. I got Lyme disease about eight years ago, and I was left with a migraine headache every minute of every day for about eight and a half months.

And since then, I get migraines from time to time, and the noise overall is just unbearable. Bailiff Jesse, you're a migraine sufferer. Would you want to live in a house with a parrot that was going, ah, ah, all the time? Well, I know that not getting enough sleep is a trigger. And I know that raw onions and garlic are a trigger. Caffeine is a trigger for me. Whether a parrot going, ah, ah, ah, is a trigger or not, is not something that I know.

But assuming that it was a migraine trigger for me, then no, I would not want to live with that. Yeah. What are your migraine triggers, sir? Are they crackers and pirates? So you're claiming a health deficit as well as an attention deficit being caused by this bird? Just the health.

It is destroying your quality of life? To some extent, yeah. Right. And did you – okay. catastrophic situation that we would need to get rid of this bird that Kim, your wife, chose to care for for its entire life, which she knew and you knew when you married her was going to be a long one. So why are we essentially going to divorce this bird out of the family? Why are we essentially going to divorce this bird out of the family? Since parrots are obviously opera fans. Parrots are really intelligent, non-dumb creatures that are, as we've seen, very affectionate, that have a terrifyingly high cognitive skill.

They love opera, both to listen to and to sing. And they are as loud and as needy and as poopy as a child. And they live for a long time. So I would never advise anyone getting one. But now that you have one in your home, you're going to try to send it off to an orphanage for parrots or something. Well, I've never asked for the bird to go away. I just would like him to spend some more time with Kim and maybe they could work something out

or she could train him to, I don't know, hopefully be more quiet. That's never going to happen. It's a parrot. Right, Kim? You can't train that bird to shut up. It's his nature. I hate to say it.

It's just his nature. Yeah. Do you really think you can train a parrot to not make annoying, crazy noises all the time? I don't know, but I'd be willing to find out. And now he's sexually mature, so you know what that means. He's going to be going, whee, whee, all the time. Exactly. Right. He's going to be searching for a mate. He's going to be flirting. Well, we could find him a mate somewhere else.

You guys got to give me some clarity here. What is it you want, Chris? What do you want realistically to happen? Well, I want peace and quiet whatever that entails. If it can be accomplished with training, that would be fine. What makes you think you deserve peace and quiet?

You married. I'm sorry. You married. Well, I'm the landlord. You married a woman. Honey, you have to admit you married into a noisy culture. Like we come from different cultures of noise, right? Explain what you mean, Kim.

I come from noisy people. We always had crazy dogs, like three at a time, you know, parrots, hamsters, you know, all kinds of yelling, people running willy-nilly. And Chris came from a very orderly, quiet home with no pets

and very well-behaved children. Is that a true representation, Chris? That is true. And are you an only child? I am number eight. Oh, I see. So just when you thought eight of 13 or eight of eight? Oh, eight of eight.

Oh, so you are the youngest. What is the age difference between you and your oldest sibling? 10 years. Oh, wow. So that was some fast baby having in your family. Apparently. So now that you have escaped the utter chaos of your home, you want to retire to rural Connecticut

and just stare quietly at your porcelain? You know what? That's really true, isn't it? That's not all. Right. But there is something in you that obviously craves chaos, because not only did you marry a woman who had a parrot, but then you also got a dog. I mean, you have gotten the two, and you do not have children, I take it? We have one son who is 12. Oh, wait a minute.

We have one son who is 12. Oh, wait a minute. Wait. See, this is a total mystery to me, sir, because by now you have been living with a parrot and a child for 12 years. You've added a dog to the mix. How long ago? About six, seven years ago. Right. And all of a sudden, after seven years of dog-parrot-child, because I was going to say that you cannot get closer to a preparatory continuous infant-child simulation than a dog, never mind adding a parrot, which is like a preparatory continuous teenager with Tourette's syndrome simulation.

But you also have a child. And now after 12 years, you think you deserve peace and quiet? What has changed? Why did you suddenly wake up and go, I deserve better? That's an outstanding question. Yeah. No, it is outstanding. I'm waiting for you to answer it.

Well, maybe it's about time I got some peace and quiet uh yes but do you deserve it i would say yes all right kim does he deserve peace and quiet you know what he's a really nice guy i will i he really he's a really he's a great guy i have to tell you do you think he is he's a great guy. I have to tell you. Do you think he is? He's okay. I wish Kobe would be quieter for Chris's sake. I do. But you're still going to have, even if Kobe,

even if Kobe befell a horrible accident. Right. And you know, Chris did, did we tell you that he, Chris actually rescued Kobe from almost certain death. How so? Talk about burying the lead.

You tell the story, Kim, because I think Chris is too shy to tell it. Okay. Basically what happened was I had put some new toys in Kobe's cage and then had gone out to go to the grocery store. Hang on. And Chris came into the room and found Kobe strangling in one of the toys. room and found Kobe strangling in one of the toys. Apparently he'd like yanked one of the ropes and had put a foot on it and it was choking him. And Chris instinctively, instead of instinctively saying, oh, this is my big chance. He actually ran and got the oven mitts and saved Kobe from certain strangulation. or that's the story he told you

in any case right right when i saw the mark around his neck i wanted to know what happened and he said oh no i so he so you know he's just such a yeah that's a problem it's a problem. It's a problem because who do you try to accommodate more? The human? Most people like our peer. We talk about every all of our friends know the deal. And so it comes up. Wait a minute. You guys have friends? I know it's shocking, right? They say it's a bird. Get rid of it. It's your husband. And then, you know, the damn bird. Just get rid of the bird. People don't realize it's a bigger. Yeah, it's not just a bird. This is look, I'm not I'm not going to say that you didn't make a terrible mistake when you when you purchased a bird, when you when you purchased a bird and kept it captive and made it reliant upon you for both physical and emotional needs. But it is a highly empathic animal.

Right. And finding it another home would be traumatic for it, no matter what, even if it adapted. Would you not agree? I would agree. And would you be sad? Yeah, I think I would. Right. So why don't you guys just cut your child in half?

I'm your friend. I'm your friend. I'm telling you, get rid of your child. It's your husband. You can't. You can't just throw a bird. You just can't throw a bird out. You know what I'm saying?

Well, I also, Chris also has um noise canceling ear like ear muffs i told him that he should just wear the the ear muffs well wait a minute but there is there is there is a there is a truth that humans in in these relationships must take priority over animals because even though even though both of the the styles of well even though all of the animals you have uh uh parrot uh dog and a human child yes are are all in are all incredibly sensitive and uh and almost human-like animals. Yes, they are. They are still beasts. You know what I mean? And so I firmly believe that adult men and women should not be made to wear

headphones or otherwise humiliating outfits in order to please an animal. But the solution cannot be as cruel as your, as your so-called friends obviously are. So I'm going to ask you some questions and we're going to try to find a solution here. Okay. Cause I don't even think, I don't think there is a dispute between you and Chris, right? Something has to be done, right? Chris, you're not, you're not demanding, you're not demanding that this bird be put to death,

even though you did try to strangle it and then had second thoughts, passed it off as though you saved life never convicted of that crime no i'm not demanding anything right you're no you you if you had been if you had demanded any if you were a more demanding person we would have heard this case 12 years ago you probably you have you are an enduring person uh but uh but the but clearly this is getting to be a strain now kim if you spent more time how much time do you spend with uh kobe van munching i'm gonna say um three to four hours a day yeah a day all right and do you have a job no i don't okay how do you pass the time during the day go to the grocery store i like to cook so i cook a lot i volunteer i teach art at the senior center in town oh well why are you not why are you not walking around with this bird on your shoulder all the time uh you know why

because the other element here is that he's vicious to everybody else so he would it would be like a public health hazard if i brought him out and about with me he'd be taking fingers off left and right are you sure of this yes can't you just try it out at the senior center? Because they're not going to sue you. You'd be the hit of the season. The Spinks have already had good use. Right, exactly. Yeah, no, he's a man-eater, wouldn't you say, Chris?

He is, and part of his wiring is if he's on Kim's shoulder and he feels threatened, his first instinct is to bite her, to have her fly away because he thinks that she's his mate. So she ends up with bites on the, you know, ear, neck, cheek, what have you, and that's potentially dangerous. Is that behavior that can be, because I know, you know, they're naturally vocal animals, but can he be trained to be more tolerant of other humans? Do you have any idea? Have you done any research or have you taken him to a vet or a trainer?

You know, we did when we were first married. And I don't know. I guess we just weren't good about following up on that. And how big a house do you live in? It's fair size. It's large. How many bedrooms? Four.

And do you have property? We do. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. We have an aviary for Kobe, But when we had him outside last summer, the neighbors thought we were like torturing a toddler in the yard. So we had to bring him in. You got complaints from your neighbors? Yes. But you understand in the hierarchy of things, humans are more important than animals animals but everything is more important than your dumb neighbors well yeah yeah actually you're right we should have given that more time we came too early honey all right i now i understand that it's your this dispute is not

between you you both are being terrorized by this creature it is well it is it is it is both of you is the case of both of you versus Kobe Van Munching. Is Van Munching nearby? Is Kobe Van Munching nearby? I have him on the third floor. Please go and fetch him. I've heard everything that I need to hear, and I want him to hear my judgment when I pass it. I'm going into my own aviary now to gather my thoughts, and I'll come back in a moment with a decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the court. Kim, did you think that this would result in an opinion from Judge John Hodgman that you were both being terrorized?

No, I'm shocked. I'm actually shocked. I didn't, I didn't see that. Chris, had you ever thought of it in those terms? Uh, I think he's, he's holding us each hostage in a different way. With me, it's a physical thing. And with Kim, it's emotional. Are you jealous of this parrot, Chris? Uh, no, not jealous, just more ticked off. I mean, he's a little territorial, so I can't go near my wife when she's got him, but not jealous. Seriously, Chris, can you imagine how awesome it would be to be able to fly? He can't fly. He can fall. He was never raised by a bird, so he didn't learn how to fly.

He can flutter his wings, but he doesn't really know what he's doing. That's pretty great. He walks a lot. He walks around. Oh, poor him. I know. Yeah. Well, we'll see what happens.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Okay. Is Kobe Van Munching here? Okay. Here he is. First of all, I don't know why we didn't have this bird on the line the entire time. But now that we're all together, can he hear what I'm saying? Yes, now he can.

Kobe, this is Judge John Hodgman. How are you? Humans, will you please be quiet so I can speak to this bird? He's a little shy. Ah! Ah! Ah! Did I get your attention, Kobe?

Oh, his pupils are pinwheeling. That means he's really excited. Yes. Whatever you just said to him right now, it's really, wow. Yes. Kobe, listen to me. It's me, Judge John Hodgman, your human friend. The two flesh animals you live with love you very much.

But you are terrorizing them. You need to be quieter and you need to stop abusing your mate, Kim. Everything is going to be fine. Also learn to fly and you will be happier. Kobe, can you hear what I'm saying? Make a noise if you understand me. Yeah, I knew you. There you go. Now, Kobe, I think hear what I'm saying? Make a noise if you understand me. Yeah, I know you. There you go.

I know you. Now, Kobe, I think the world of you. But there are a couple of things wrong with this situation. One, your beautiful Lucite prison that they have you in, which is truly gorgeous, is also in the middle of the kitchen table is that not right kim no it's on actually it's on a you can wheel it around it's on one of those like chef's carts so you can wheel it anywhere are you listening to me they clearly have made every accommodation to your weird needs you have a beautiful lucite cage that is on a wheeled chef cart. You have no reason to complain or bite anyone.

Do you understand, Kobe? You are not human. You are bird. But you are part of this family and you are not going to go away. So please do not be alarmed. And don't worry. Yes, I'm sure you are relieved.

Yes, it's all going to be fine. But here's the thing. You are going to live in the aviary. Moments before Kim told me that they actually had an aviary, as a joke, I was going to say, why don't you build an aviary? Oh, my goodness. Kim, I want you to tell Kobe and our listeners what this aviary is like. Oh, it's lovely. It's about maybe 12 feet high by about seven feet wide. And it's got a pretty copper finial on top of it and a huge branch that goes through it and it's underneath a tulip tree in the backyard it's beautiful and and can and can a parrot survive there through winter or no no it would he would he can go outside when it

once it starts being about maybe 60 or 65 degrees out. All right. So during the winter, here's what Kobe, here's what Kim and Chris are going to do. During the wintertime, you're going to stay in the house. And Chris is going to take his computer and porcelain out to the aviary. And stretch an ethernet wire out there so that he can do his work until such time as he can build for himself or have built for him a private office that no beast may enter without his

permission and includes a dark migraine resting station because this house has too many delicate animals in it. And he is one of them. All right. Yeah, no, of course it's all right.

Yeah. He said, all right, of course it's all right. It's going to be all right. He's on board. And, uh,

and I hope, I hope Chris, that you can sell enough porcelain to make this affordable to you, because I think it's important at this point that you have a private soundproof space that you can retreat to. All right. All right. Yes, it is.

You know what? I don't need your, you should agree with it, Kobe. Okay. Okay, fine. So that is ruling number one. Is Kobe still listening? He's been good with it so far. I know, because I am a whisperer to all beasts, including dogs and children.

Wow. Kobe, listen to me some more. And Kim, you must also listen. Okay. Kobe, you are an emotionally complex and weird creature. You adore Kim, and you adore opera, and those are good qualities. But when you go out into the world, it sounds to me, and please forgive my language, you can be a little bit of an asshole. This may be something

that is totally innate in you, but I think it would be good if Kim took the time to speak to a specialist in parrot behavior to see if there is anything that can be done to make your lives together a little bit happier so that you can spend as much time with Kim as you wish to and require to. And so that Kim can bring you to the senior center where you are going to be the star of the show, as long as you are not biting people. Exactly. It may be that your violent behavior is something that cannot, I just do not know enough about parrots. And unfortunately, I think your human flesh mate, Kim, does not know enough about parrots either. Because I would like you to, not that you never did, and you obviously know more about them than I do, Kim, because you live with one of these monsters.

Yep. I think it's time for you to take a refresher course in parrot behavior and speak to some specialists to see if there's any way that you can stop the biting and the herding aspect. You know what? You're right. Yes. I should do that. Yeah. You know what? I don't need you to parrot the parrot and say, all right.

Yes. Yes. So Kobe, please make a noise to, uh, to indicate that you, uh, assent to all of my judgments. No, he's silent now. You've given him a lot to think about. Kobe, can you make the sound of a gavel? That is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Chris, do you feel vindicated by this decision? Yeah, I really, all I've ever wanted is for us to try and find a way that works better. So if Kim can follow through on the judge's suggestion, I think that would be great.

Kim, are you prepared to follow through? You know what? I actually am. It made me realize that I really should, believe it or not, I know of a parrot behavioralist, a psychologist for parrots. And I will call her and see if I can work on some of the aggression issues. Kim, Chris, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thanks very much. Hello. us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you very much. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you

every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org, and they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans?

Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're Made In, Made In. The Rohan duck, Made In, Made In. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Maiden. Maiden. Maiden has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot.

It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware

that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel.

Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a sound to happen. Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world and you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while

you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast,

The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you.

And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go,

call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O We are so close close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go another exciting case hey judge hatchman i i am alarmed as I go back over my case notes that Kim was seriously

thinking about finding a bird rescue operation and putting Kobe into that foster care. Anyone who takes on a parrot cannot evade the judgment that they have brought down upon them and serve out the sentence of caring for a parrot for a hundred years. That is the job. I am alarmed by how much their life in Connecticut with the exotic animals and vast outbuildings and collections of porcelain seems like the movie Citizen Kane. Let's clear the docket. Here's something from Joanne. My colleague and I are both law professors who teach the same subject. This semester, we happen to use the same classroom on the same day. This alone sounds like a screwball comedy.

She has it in the morning. I have it in the afternoon. The dispute is this. She never erases the whiteboard at the end of her class, so her writing is still on it when I come in to teach in the afternoon. It distracts my students and gives me more work to do to set up before I teach, in addition to pulling up my PowerPoint slides, writing the to-do list on the board, etc. She says it's no big deal. It drives me nuts. Who's right? It doesn't matter who's right. I sentence you both to adopt a leopard and keep it on a leash

with a diamond collar. Ah, the Kelsey Grammar punishment. The classic grammar. Also, let's just say, if you are teaching a course and you are writing on the whiteboard at the end of your class, erase it. It's common courtesy and a point of non-laziness for you to do it. Yeah, and if you have a huge pile of-laziness for you to do it. Yeah. And if you have a huge pile of blow, share it with Woody Harrelson. Here's something from Beck.

She writes, My husband Joe and I have a problem. Joe always dictates what we listen to together due to his passive-aggressive music snobbishness. This includes listening to the radio in the car together. To be fair, his music is probably cooler than Molly. And if I assert myself, he will likely not ask me directly to turn off my music. If I can't enjoy my music in peace, I might as well let him listen to the best show, and one of us will be happy. Ew.

The gauntlet has been thrown down against our friend Tom Sharpling for no reason. They call it the best show for a reason. It's the best show. I appreciate aesthetic judgment and criticism, but I think Joe's gone off the deep end. It seems that his standard for how good something sounds is inversely proportional to how many other people are listening to it. I would like Joe to work on postponing his knee-jerk reaction of disdain when I put something on. I feel I do the same for him and want him to return the favor. Will you issue an order on this matter? Yeah, I'll order anyone to not be a jerk.

What about our friend Tom Sharpling? In the spirit of our friend Tom Sharpling, I order your husband Joe to heave ho with his jerky attitude. Whether or not, I don't know what is making him be a jerk, whether it is his contempt, as you say, his contempt for music that other people are enjoying, are enjoying or whether it is simply an overinflated sense of his own taste or whether it is, and I hope this is not the case, some kind of contempt for you. Don't be a jerk about other people's music. That is among the jerky things to do. That is among the jerkiest.

Hey, I just want to remind everybody the tickets are on sale for Max FunCon. so come hang out with me and Judge John Hodgman and Maria Bamford and Kyle Kinane and Elvis Mitchell and a bajillion other people. Elvis Mitchell is one of the great interviewers of our time. Agreed. He totally, totally destroyed my brain when he interviewed me. We went to probably the deepest cut of all possible deep cuts by asking me to explain a essay that I wrote in the New York Times book review four years ago about Jack Kirby that I've been dying to talk about for four years. But no one ever asked or ever thought to ask because it came and went. Elvis Mitchell, he found it,

he dusted off that LP and put it on the turntable. I have to say it was one of the most enjoyable hour to five hours of my life. I don't even remember what happened. I was so... So that's, that's, if there's only one reason to go to MaxFunCon is to see

what weird thing from my past Elvis Mitchell digs up next. It's going to be a blast. You can find more information at MaxFunCon.com. I think he's going to

interview me for two hours about the piece I wrote for Men's Journal where I suggested that people start deep frying White Castle hamburgers. I'm still angry that that didn't catch on. And Elvis Mitchell is going to get an earful if he can pull those dreadlocks back beyond his ears. Well, he always wears them very neatly. I don't know why I said that. Would you batter the White Castle burgers?

Of course. And it doesn't have to be White Castle burgers, per se. It could be any small hamburger. Any slider? I don't use that term under any circumstances, and I am offended that fine dining institutions refer to

things that they are trying to get you to eat as a form of diarrhea. Or a type of turtle. That's true. Or a dimensional portal. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. This has gone too far.

It would be people who go through a dimensional portal. It would be Jerry O'Connell. See you at MaxFunCon and see you later, everyone on the podcast. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for

Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at Forum.MaximumFun.org and our Facebook group at Facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.