Judge John Hodgman - Possessions in Nine-Tenths of a Car

Episode Date: February 13, 2013

Andrea brings the case against her friend Joe -- she claims he's taking a minimalist lifestyle to an extreme degree. Must Joe acquire some creature comforts?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, possessions in nine-tenths of a car. Andrea brings the case against her friend Joe. Joe has adopted a minimalist lifestyle and has vowed not to own more than a single carload's worth of belongings. Andrea thinks he's shunned material possessions to an extreme degree and should acquire some creature comforts. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Well, I'm going to enter the courtroom then. I'm just going to enter it. I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff. I don't need anything except this gavel. And that's the only thing I need, is this gavel. I don't need this bench or these robes. Just this

gavel and this paddle game. The gavel and the paddle game, and that's all I need. Oh, and this remote control. The gavel, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. And the gavel, and these matches, and need and these matches and the gavel and these matches and the remote control and the paddle ball oh and this lamp the gavel the paddle game and the remote control on

the lamp and that's all i need that's all i need i don't need one other thing not one oh i need this this coupon for a free slice of pizza canadian has a pizza and garbage. But that's it. The gavel and the paddle game and the coupon and the remote control and the matches for sure. And I don't need one other thing. Well, except my bailiff. I don't need my bailiff. Will someone please swear them in? Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever?

I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that not even 5% of his possessions fit into his preferred mode of conveyance, a rigid airship? Yes. Yeah. Very well. Judge Hodgman? Bailiff Jesse, you clearly are not aware of my moratorium on all

Zeppelin jokes. I wasn't. You squeezed by the prohibition because of your use of the term rigid airship. That's the one, but that's the last time. Well, I didn't want anyone to think that you were flying around here in a blimp like some chump.

Yeah, like some chumpy blimp. No, I understand. Thank you very much. I just feel the Zeppelin jokes, it's just gone too far. It's gone too far in my life. So thank you very much. It was a very funny joke. And I love rigid airship.

But from now on, this far and no further. So only hot air balloons from here on out. Yeah. And or maybe mention of dirigible. Sure. Joe and Andrea, are you there still? Yes. All right.

For an immediate summary judgment in your favor, can you name the culture that I was referring to? Is it something by Dr. Seuss? Interesting. No. Andrea? Is it Steve Martin's If I Had One Christmas Wish? That's very interesting. It is Steve Martin, and it's from his motion picture, The Jerk. And now, just so that you understand, I am not going to grant you the summary judgment because that would make this a very short podcast. And too many people have been getting the summary judgments lately. But I know that that routine predates the actual movie. So what is One Christmas Wish?

What is that from? Is that a track on one of his record LPs? It might have even been on Saturday Night Live where he said, if I had one Christmas wish, it would be that all the children in the world would be holding hands, dancing and singing. Oh, and a million dollars. And the same shtick, basically. Yeah, I mean, I think in a just world, I would give that to you. But this isn't a world, this is a podcast.

And this isn't justice. This is Judge John Hodgman justice. So no, you do not win. But thank you for that. And I would listen to you perform Steve Martin all day long. Where are you from? I am Canadian. Right, but you're not speaking.

Where in Canada are you from? I'm from Ontario, near Ottawa. But I've lived in the UK for nearly five years. Right, so you've picked up a little something. Touch of transatlanticism. Very nicely put. a difficult word to pronounce uh and so where are you living in in england in england did you say uh yes i live in north london in north london and what is that what is the neighborhood

uh i live what is your what is your nearest underground station? Finsbury Park. Finsbury Park. I've been in that very station. And so like all good people of North America who are anglophilic in nature and go to England, you have adopted an English accent that you're going to have to explain to your family when you go home. Constantly. But maybe you will never go home. Are you going to live there forever? It depends if I get deported or not.

Andrea, what is your visa status, or as you would say in England, your visa status? What? Currently, legally in the country, but time's ticking away. I have about a year left. Oh, all right. At the moment. Then we'll make sure. Jesse, Bailiff Jesse.

Yes. All right. At the moment. Then we'll make sure. Jesse, Bailiff Jesse. Yes. Make sure to rerun this in one year's time so that all of our fans in the in the. Would it be the home office that would deport you? Yeah, it would be. Right, Joe. You know what you're talking about, because you're not a Canadian faker, are you, sir? No, absolutely not. Where are you from, sir? Britain. Right. And do you want me to be, should I be more specific? I would. Absolutely not. Under no circumstances should you respond to that direct question with a specific answer.

I think, I think you should be because I think that, that even I and Anglophile by nature, uh, have, have, uh, disclarity on what that term means. Britain would refer to England, Wales, on what that term means. Britain would refer to England, Wales, Scotland. Would it, and I'll put it on me, would it refer to Northern Ireland as well? No. I don't believe it would,

but I think the United Kingdom encompasses Northern Ireland. The UK does, but is Britain an actual specific geographical term or just a sort of vernacular term? Britain is the island, you know, the whole island. Okay. The United Kingdom will include. Very well. All right. Well, I've got a map of your life in front of me.

Where did you grow up exactly? I'm from the South Coast. It's a county called Dorset. It's very rural. Very nice. And where do you live now? I live in North London also. I see.

And are you flatmates? No. Because this revolves around flats, which is the way English people say apartment. Yep, that's correct. And possessions, which is the way English people say stuff. Yeah. And you don't have a lot of it. And Andrea, you, a good North American lass that you are, think he should have more stuff. Is that correct? Somewhat more stuff. At the moment,

he's living a rather Spartan lifestyle, sort of a bed and an iPad. And he has a policy where he doesn't want to accumulate more stuff than can fit in a single car load. Please don't put words into his mouth with your phony British accent. I will ask him about his policies in a moment. What is the relationship between the two of you? Friends. Friends. And do you live nearby each other?

We live about, what, half an hour from each other, if the right transport is working. Oh, I see. And how do you guys know each other and for how long? We went to university together, I see. And how do you guys know each other and for how long? We went to university together and I don't know how you all know how long. A little over three years, I think. Okay. Now, Andrea, what do you care if Joe does not have a lot of stuff?

I don't think he's happy with the limited amount of stuff that he has. It's moved on a bit when we first brought up the case he didn't have a grown-up size duvet or comforter as we would say he just had a tiny single blanket from his youth uh he deliberately didn't bring his winter coat from his parents house because even though it's winter because he didn't want that extra stuff. And his flat's really cold and it's cold outside. So it's more just about a few creature comforts to make life a bit better. And when you're a little bit more settled, it just takes some of the other stress out of life. So, Joe, I presume you're lying down now beneath your blankie. Could you explain to me what your youth blanket is all about?

Well, this is not necessarily a blanket it's a duvet from i think when i was about six or seven i had it it's a single a single duvet which is like a half you have those right well for those of you listening in the united states uh joe is referring to a duvet which is what we call a dovet go ahead okay so it's a single dovet, which, yeah, I've had for a very long time. I still have it in my cupboard, and it's kind of taken the abuse of the years. The cupboard is where we keep plates and dishes. Is that where you keep your duvet? By the way, Joe, I can't keep this up any longer.

We don't call it a duvet. We call it a duvet. I know. I was playing along. Oh, okay. Very well. So you keep your duvet in your cupboard. Does cupboard mean something different over there than over here?

No, I've had an argument with another friend who's from London who would london who would argue that uh i shouldn't say cupboard and i should say wardrobe but i i think they're the same no what oh maybe in your life of uh of monastic lack of stuff you had you only have one word for anything that opens up and has storage inside of it no a wardrobe of course is of course, is a different sort of thing. That's a tall closet replacement item for the storing of hanged clothes. And so what is it exactly that you are keeping your youth blanket in? It's in a bag. This is a disaster. Do you mean a satchel no he needs a lift oh i'm sorry so you keep it in a plastic lorry inside your cupboard which is itself a wardrobe absolutely i see all

right and what is this blanket from your youth this this youth a twin duvet no it's a single it's taken the sort of abuse of the years because i've had it for so long so it's actually got very thin i didn't think we were going to get i didn't even think we were going to get to the difference or the the the the different words for twin and single it's the same thing in america is that twin size would mean single it's it's like a half a double i. It doesn't make any sense because you would think if it's a twin bed, you should be allowed to sleep twins in it, two people. But that is a single bed in these United States. It's really confusing.

That's right. You know what we are? Two similar cultures separated by a common language plus one Canadian. That's what we are. I love fish. So what do you do for, I'm going to presume, a non-living, because you're in England right now. What does that mean?

Are you employed? Absolutely. Oh, okay, thank you. What are you employed as? I freelance in the film industry as a runner and also as a reader of movie scripts. Oh, okay, great. And are you an aspiring filmmaker? I guess so.

I try not to think about it. There's that amazing English ambition that I enjoy so much. Now, why don't you have anything beyond, what is it, a bed, an iPad, a single duvet and a bag in a cupboard? I think a bowl of gruel and a tin spoon. I should actually clarify. So the duvet in the cupboards is the old duvet. It's no longer in use.

Right. I actually upgraded to a lovely new one over the winter because I was very cold. I see. Do you have heat in your flat? No. Yes and no, because it's a very, I think it's, I don't know the time period, Edwardian perhaps. And I think someone told me they were paranoid that they would suffocate. So it's a very drafty flat.

Oh, it's purposefully drafty because the Edwardians were afraid of suffocation. Yes. All right. Sure. I'll buy that. But aside from these things, I have a table. I have a, I have a very nice chair. I have a rubbish TV. I don't actually own the bed. I should also make it clear. It's a hand-me-down from the previous flatmate. Oh, okay. So you did not purchase it, but you do own it.

You're not renting the bed. I guess technically I own it because when I leave the flat, I'll be expected to dispose of it. Right. And the television, do you own the television or do you rent it from the government? No, although my parents actually did used to rent the TV from the government. But I actually own this one. My aunts in Massachusetts rented a telephone from Bell Telephone for 50 years. That telephone, I think, cost them $1,600.

So I think I have some evidence here taken of your room and your flat. And this is a very spare existence that I see here. We have a bare room with, I guess, something that could be called a table. It looks like a folding table, like a card table. No, it's a real table. All right. Excuse me. It's a hampered, what do you call something you put your dirty laundry in?

It'd be a washing basket. How did I know? I was going to call, I was going to call your laundry, your dirty washings. Okay. There's your washing basket. I see you have a couple of items of clothing hung over a hook on your rectangular portal. That's what, That's what you call a door. And then the bed itself is a very small single bed, as you say, a twin bed. No, it's actually a double bed.

It's got a single duvet on it. Well, I see perhaps by British standards, this would be a double bed. I would call it. The positioning of the linens makes it look like a single, I think. I see. Do you have proper linens for your bed? Are we talking about the same thing? I don't know.

I lost track about 15 minutes ago. I was trying to translate for you. It didn't work. What we call sheets. So you would have what we call a fitted sheet, a top sheet, and a comforter, and what you would call a fitting down linen, a straight top linen, and a personal dovet, single size. Right?

Yeah, sure. And do you have a license for your television? Not for that one. I see. I don't use it for watching TV, though. It's for plugging in hard drive to watch movies. I see. And how many movies do you steal per year?

None. Very wise. Very wise of you, unlike your trusting Canadian friend, to not mention legal issues on this non-legal podcast. So why do you like, this is an, are you an ascetic? Are you someone who disdains possessions? Because this is a spare life that you lead here in this little room. Well, I don't really think, essentially, I like to live within my means and I don't like to own more than I'm going to use. So that's why I have these things that, you know, it might seem sparse, but as you can see, it's not the biggest room anyway. I couldn't cram loads of stuff in there. And you have a policy about not wanting to own more things than you could fit in your car uh yeah well my old car that car's actually been scrapped now and i don't currently own a car was

it was it was it was it too large to fit into a bag to put in your wardrobe yeah pretty much so i have a photo so this photo here of the of the citn. This is an old car. It's a Citroën. A Citroën is a flavour of vodka, sir. Citroën. Okay, well, you know, it's a French car, so they call it a Citroën. I can't imagine that they call it

a Citroën. A Citroën. The thing is, it's got an extra E in it, which I don't think the French word Citroën. Citroën. Citroën. The thing is, it's got an extra E in it, which I don't think the French word citron has. Well, in any case, we'll get a French speaker to go over this, a forensic French speaker, to go over all of our pronunciation later, and I'll make the corrections.

So this was your car, and the idea was to fit everything inside of this tiny, crummy car, right? Yeah. And you got rid of it because you couldn't fit it into your purse? No, the reason I got rid of the car was that I moved to London, and as you probably know, if you live in London, there's no point in owning a car, really, unless you've got children. Are you on the run? I don't understand the question.

Do you fear that you might have to leave the country at any time? No, I don't feel that. Are you concerned that because you have stolen so many movies and put them onto your hard drive that you might at any moment have to put all of your belongings into your bag and get out? It's more of a case that I'm a person who doesn't like to be hassled with. You know, extra stuff to do. I like to be able to make if I've got all my stuff and it all goes into one car,

then I can make one trip, unload and get out. And that's done. You basically want to have the perfect amount of stuff and the perfect plan for the perfect murder. Yes. It's hard for this court to argue with the perfect murder, believe me. What is your age? I'm 26.

Do you have meaningful connections in your life? Meaning? Do you have a romantic partner? No. Do you have close friends? Yes. And you spend time with them and you're a normal person, you're not just up there

alone in your little room watching stolen movies and planning the murder of the United States President? I try to get out quite a lot. I mean, because I work from home, because I have to read all these scripts, I don't leave that room as much as I'd like to.

Okay. Andrea? Yes. Or do I say Andrea? No. No. Alright. Andrea, why can't he live the way he wants to live? Why does it bother you? I mean, you have to understand, you would have to make an extremely compelling case for me to find in your favor.

Because A, it's none of your business and b i think this guy's got it figured out frankly so what what do you know that he doesn't know i think it's a little bit my business because he's my friend and i care about him and i have spent the last three years living a similarly nomadic lifestyle where I didn't have anything on the walls I basically had enough possessions to fit into a couple of suitcases I could take on the tube and now I have a little bit more stuff I'm a little bit more settled figuring out what to do with your life is hard enough. At least I know when I come home, it's nice. I own my own couch. I can

entertain. He's afraid to have anyone over to his flat. He insists on only meeting them at the pub. So it would just improve his quality of life. And I don't think he should buy loads of stuff, but a few posters on the wall, bringing your winter coat, some other things that you might actually need to stay warm. How has the winter been over there? What is the temperature right now in the middle or the beginning of February in Fahrenheit, if you please? What's Fahrenheit? We can only give you Celsius. It's five degrees Celsius-ish. Bailiff Jesse, could you get the answer for give you celsius it's five degrees celsius ish bailiff

jesse could you get the answer for me please that's 41 degrees fahrenheit 41 degrees fahrenheit well that's sweater weather it's very damp cold well i do think so go ahead sir sorry it's uh it's six degrees centigrade i don't need another did you say that already? Yes. I think we got there. What's the difference between centigrade and Celsius? One takes petrol. What? I don't remember. 41 degrees Fahrenheit.

That's what this court is stating now for the record. Not that cold, but you say it's damp. I do believe that people should dress properly for the weather. Does he have proper clothes in general? He has clothes. People should dress properly for the weather. Does he have proper clothes in general? He has clothes.

You know, you understand that he makes probably a single pound sterling a year doing what he's doing. Script reading and running for the British film industry. What is your career, if I may ask, Andrea, and what is your age? I'm 28 and I'm an audio producer at an advertising company. Oh, so you probably make 15 pounds sterling per year or more. Not much more. Who makes more between you and Joe? Andrea does. By a factor of what would you say? I don't really know how much I earn because it's kind of by the job and I haven't done a tax return yet so I'm not really sure for the year.

No, and as long as you live in England, you never will. If you don't know how much money you earn then you probably are making a lot less. Andrea, do you know how much money you earn? I do. That's all I need to know. I'm not suggesting that you should feel Probably are making a lot less. Andrea, do you know how much money you earn? I do. Yeah. Okay. That's all I need to know. That shows. Well, I'm not suggesting that you should feel ashamed of your wealth.

I'll allow the rest of Europe to take that position. Then you are in a different kind of financial comfort zone than someone whose income is as it goes. Do you see what I mean? Joe, do you have trouble making ends meet? No, I just about get by, I'd say. Are you able to set any pounds sterling aside in Gringotts Bank or wherever you bank? Not really. Not really. Other than your government nest egg

oh well that is pretty bold of you to say canada but i don't have one no i know you're just you're just living illegally in another country probably are you on are you in the national health yes all right you shall be hearing our officers at your door at any moment. Our hypocrisy officers of this court. What sort of things would you like me to order him to put into his apartment? Posters. You mentioned posters. Throw rugs. I think as Joe is moving in a couple of months, it would just be nice to see him settle in a little bit. Where are you moving to, Joe?

I haven't decided yet. Somewhere in London. Maybe a small shed. Do you know, if you go to St. James Park behind St. James' Church off of German Street, they have a little caravan in the park. Maybe you could live in that. I know that one. You laugh, but there are sheds that are being rented out in London.

I know of. I do not laugh. Actual sheds with toilets in the back. I can tell you're tempted by them. Where are the sheds located and how much do they go for? All over the place. And they're probably very cheap. I never really investigated into the price.

I mean, to say, are you renting someone's garden shed in the back of their home? No. Well, then what kind of shed are we talking about? Is shed Cockney rhyming slang for a three-bedroom apartment? No, a shed is a small wooden structure in a garden.

At last we have something in common. So it's got to be someone's, someone is renting out their shed in their garden from their home, right? Yes, but it's illegal. It's illegal. Well, why would that stop you? Scofflaw McTorrenty?

I think you should look into a shed rental. Have you ever thought about living in a canal boat? I actually have. There are several kind of around but I think they'd look into a shed rental. Have you ever thought about living in a canal boat? I actually have. There are several kind of around, but I think they'd be very cold. They are very cold. But you've already established that you don't care about cold because you didn't bring a winter coat. And you only recently put your youth blanket in the wardrobe.

Which I think is English public school slang for something dirty. I'm a hardy young man. Yeah. And you're from the coast. I can take the cold. You're from the coast. I'm from the coast. It's warmer on the coast where he's from.

Okay. All right. You want him to become a hoarder? You want me to order him to get some garbage and pumpkins and cats? become a hoarder you want me to order him to get some garbage and pumpkins and cats about a thousand rolls of scotch tape and countless blacklight posters from a from the back of a spencer's gift somewhere i think his attitude to not wanting more than a carload of things kind of points to a larger reticence to settle. And I know he's as tired as I am, or I was moving around. And the ability to need to flee at a moment's notice is almost just like a lack of commitment to his own life.

And I think it's just pointing to a larger issue. Which is? Just a lack of commitment and a need to be shiftless and be able to flee well we know that we know uh joe that you have no idea what your career holds in store for you and you're not even sure if you want to continue doing it is that correct you would like to continue to work in cinema yes um i'm just kind of waiting for the sort of ideal job that to come up that will be like a nine to six job that i can not be in my room all day with and maybe actually get to see some people instead of characters that come out

of other people's minds are there such jobs in in film production absolutely yeah all right you have development jobs don't you you know that okay oh you want to be a british a british film exec yes a hot shot british film exec living out of a shed. Yeah, that's probably the dream. Yeah, you probably get a lot done. Do you lack commitment to your own life? I think that is an offensive thing for Andrea to bring up. May I interject?

No, I want to hear this. How are you offended exactly? How does it make you feel when Andrea says that you do not commit to your own life or anything else? I think I do commit to my own life. Just because I don't own loads of possessions, that's not a lack of commitment. I mean, I think she's trying to also say that I'm kind of wanting to escape from everything, which isn't the case. It's something you say all the time. I'm always looking for an exit strategy. I know. I have an exit strategy planned just in case a building catches fire or something.

Oh, so you're paranoid that the building is going to catch fire? No, but I think it's sensible to know the way out. No, I agree. that is sensible but do you do are there anything else i mean what other exit strategies do you need from your semi employment and your drafty edwardian apartment no apart from that do you is there anything else what you you feel like you need to you may need to jump at a moment's notice? No. Are you motivated out of fear in your life? No. And you laugh because why? Because I'm fearless. Andrea, is that true? Oh, I know him as a very anxious young man. Oh, do you think he's playing it up for the podcast? Yeah, I think it's all a bluster.

Absolutely. He's trying to charm you never i never thought that i was going to hear touchy-feely emotional counseling of a british person from a canadian person but there you go i have everything i need to make my decision could i add one more point uh will it be exactly the same as all the other points that you've just made he's wheedled out of signing two leases in the last two places that he's left okay he, okay. He's avoided having to commit to a lease. I was not allowed to sign the lease on my current flat because they wouldn't accept my reference, even though it came from one of the most successful

film companies in Europe. And he was elated. No, I wasn't. I found it stressful. So, you know, I think this is ridiculous. He's playing it up again. You said it's great. It means I can move whenever I want.

Yeah, but they've still got my deposit money, so I can't leave. They'll take my 500 pounds. All right. And so you would like me to order Andrea to give you 500 pounds? Yeah. Was that the point of that exchange?

No. I'd like her to leave me alone and also maybe you could have a sub judgment that she's not allowed to shout as much as she usually does well I can't stop an Ontarian from shouting that's what they're known for you know what Ontario is known for

shouters meddlers materialists that's what that's what Ontario is known for? Shouters, meddlers, materialists. That's what Ontario is. It's the shouting province of Canada. Andrea, do you shout too much? I think I project because I want to be heard. And Joe, as you can tell, is quite a soft-spoken person. And he's very British in that particular way.

And sometimes it alarms him. Well, you mentioned that you're, you're an audio engineer of some kind. Maybe you're wearing headphones all the time and don't realize it. Yeah. Maybe I've just lost my hearing from too many headphones. All right. I have everything I need to make my ruling. I'll be back in a moment. Please rise as judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Joe, where are you going? I have to say that your explanation of always having an exit strategy is both perfectly reasonable and what a madman would say. Don't you think, like, Jesse, aren't you looking around and wanting to know how to escape from the studio you're in right now?

Absolutely not. In case it's on fire. I'm happy to be here talking to you, Joe. Oh, that's lovely of you to say. Andrea, is the problem here really that you're not getting the kind of friendship out of Joe that you want? In what way? Are you worried that he's trying to run away from your friend relationship?

Maybe a bit. He can be a bit aloof. Do you think you've got a shot, Andrea? No. Not by the sound of it. Joe, how are you feeling? Quite pleased. I think I'm going to win. He's really smug.

You sound over the freaking moon. It kind of went my way, didn't it? It sounded like. Andrea, hold him down. He is flipping out. This is super expressive for him, though. Yeah, I've had two cups of tea. I'm kind of going crazy.

Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say. Please rise as Judge Hodgman reenters the courtroom. Well, I have to say that I could talk to you guys for a fortnight because I'm an Anglophile. And I know that I'm pronouncing that incorrectly, but it is how I'm going to pronounce it from now on. I'm just incredibly Anglophilic. Like you, Andrea, when I was a youth, younger than you, I took a semester off from college here in America to go on an English drink abroad program that they had organized over there for American students. And so I went and lived there for six months. And like you, I was of questionable immigration status and i worked uh at different jobs i uh i i i was an usher at the hammersmith odian which i believe

is now called the apollo hammersmith uh i did some telemarketing for a major uh courier company there called uh addison lee miserable job nice people nice people and then i selling drivers yeah we don't have to relive it it was a terrible time in my life i was i was fired i was fired for wearing bad trousers i'll just leave it at that and they were terrible trousers and uh and uh i also had one of the greatest jobs in my life was I monged some cheese at a high-end cheese monging organization, which in Butte Street in South Kensington, I know it's not there anymore. But during most of this time, I lived very much as you did. I lived on a street called Watermint Key, which was a 1980s yuppie redevelopment at the very edge of the River Lee, which was a canal boat canal, and itself was the termination of the original street, which in great British fashion, Waterman Quay was the new end of the old street, which was called Craven Walk.

My favorite juxtaposition of all times, and there I lived. What I had was a mattress on the floor. of all times. And there I lived. What I had was a mattress on the floor. I had a chest of drawers, which I think is the same in your language, and some plastic coat hangers, and a large glass jar in which I kept my cash money. So I always knew all of the money that I had at that time. And it was a marvelous, monastic, simple life where I could look at my glass jar and budget out exactly how much of that could be turned into whiskey that would go into me such that I would lie down in that bed and not be chased by demons until morning and then go to destroy my soul, calling people up and trying to get them to get accounts at this major courier company, which I've already named, which for now shall remain unnamed until I

was fired for having bad trousers. That was a time in my life that I liked a lot. So I feel a lot of sympathy for your way of life, Joe. It is simple. It is uncluttered. In many ways, I've tried to get back to the simplicity of that life. But there's a difference, sir, which is that I was 19 years old at that time. I was specifically, I remember very distinctly because I knew that I was too young to drink in America, but I was old enough to drink in England, and that's why I went there, because I was a drunk but a coward. So, in any case, I do understand and appreciate andrea's concern because you are 26 do i remember correctly yes and you are still living life as though you are 19 from my point of view and you are approaching that age that usually i think it's not terribly sexist to say that usually, I think it's not terribly sexist to say,

that usually women approach sooner where there is an expectation from society that you are going to create a meaningful love partnership in your life. You are going to get an apartment in which you are going to stay for a period of time, or home, as they call it, and that you might buy a candle or something and set up shop as a human being in an adult life.

Now, I think that Andrea is reasonable in her concern, because the years fly by right because we we we all use the same you guys might be on on the on the centigrade but we all use the same time system so far and you'll find that the year is between 26 and 30 will go by very quickly and if you were in this same arrangement, the same, I'm not sure what's going to happen next, I am ready to put all of my possessions in my Citroën, throw the Citroën over my shoulder because it only weighs 30 pounds,

and hit the road or the high street, as you say, as soon as possible, I would also share her concern. I would say, you know what? You need to figure out what it is you're going to do. There's some passion, there's something that's keeping you from finding whatever passion it is that is going to root you for the next part and chapter of your life. And if that passion were, I want to be a monk in the middle of London, that's fine. I'm all for it. Do you know what I mean?

But you seem to be in this sort of possessionless limbo that in a few years, I think, is going to be cause for concern among your friends and your family, maybe even yourself. But right now, Andrea, I don't think that that's where he is. His pyrophobia aside, I don't think that there is any particular concern. And, Andrea, one thing that you might have a hard time understanding since you are from Ontario, the most meddling of Canadian provinces. You can't tell people how to live their lives unless you are their parent or their spouse or life partner, basically. And even in those cases, you are justified in telling that person, but that will probably only get that person to go in the exact opposite direction. But right now, you can say as much as you want about your concern.

Joe is going to do what he wants to do unless you two were to finally get married and we could all put this thing to to single bed if you will my visa problems would be solved i think it is the solution and i think the solution is also joe i i that said you have to move out of that room i know you're planning to move in a month or two. I am not going to let you off the hook completely. If you are going to pursue this life against the arguments and concerns of your good friend, Andrea, I'm going to force you to pursue it even further. I want you to investigate living in a canal boat. Why?

Because I think it's the ultimate expression of your Spartan, weird, outside-of-society lifestyle. And also, that's something I always wanted to do, and so I'm going to force you to do it instead. So I do find in the favor of the defendant, Joe, with the stipulation that his next home search must include a canal boat rental, and I need to see evidence that he is pursuing that. That is to say, I need at least one photo of Joe in a canal boat that is verifiably for rent. And I want a good argument for why you didn't rent it. But I bet you, once you're in there, you're going to love it. Please, Joe, live in that canal boat for me. Meanwhile, Canada, keep your hands off my British friend.

This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Joe, you came out on top, but with a mandate to pursue living in a canal boat. You got to admit, that's not that bad. It's going to be quite cool. Also very cold next winter. I know some places, though. Andrea, how are you feeling? Well, I had a feeling Joe's British charm would persevere and I would seem like a meddling Canadian. And I was right.

It's going to be pretty fun when you get to go visit Joe at a boat, right? Oh, she's not coming around. We'll go to the pub. Oh, Joe, you're incorrigible. Well, guys, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you for having us. Cheerio. Thank you.

See you guys. Bye. Bye. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to Maximumfun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to Maximumfun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans?

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Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Well, that was a lovely case, eh, Judge John Hodgman?

What's that, Jesse? I was just trying to figure out how to turn my chambers into a canal boat. I don't think pouring glasses of water on the floor is the answer. Isn't that how boats work? You fill them up with water, and then it's a boat? to a canal boat. I don't think pouring glasses of water on the floor is the answer. Isn't that how boats work? You fill them up with water and then it's a boat? I think you could use a nautical training course,

Judge Hodgman. You know what I like about British people? And even fake British people? What's that? Jonathan Colton pointed this out to me a long time ago. It's that when they get off the phone, they always sound so sad.

They say bye, but they always say it like very wistfully. Bye. You'll be having a conversation with like the hardest nosed, the most stiffest upper lip of solicitors. And after yelling at you for an hour, they'll say, all right, bye. Hey, Judge Hodgman, you know, it's funny that this case ended up involving boats because I've actually recently created a new website that has a picture of a boat on it. I love picture boat websites.

What is it called? Boatparty.biz. You can find it online at boatparty.biz. Before I even hit the return key, may I just say that is the greatest URL I've ever typed? Of course it is, and it's probably the greatest website you'll ever visit. It has a picture of a boat and a place to type in your email address. Well, let me go take a look. Boat party. There is a picture of a boat. It looks like a great boat.

And I enter my email address. Yeah. It says, find out first, what could this mean? Only time will tell. I'm entering my email address, hodgman at maximumfun.org where you can send all of your disputes

and comments and docket cases and oh confirm my email address. disputes and comments and docket cases. And... Oh. Confirm my email address. Okay, I'll click on the link. There it is. Came right through. Yes, subscribe me to this list.

And... Subscription confirmed. But to what, Jesse? Is that the mystery? I guess so. But I can tell you this much. You really got the most out of BoatParty.biz, a website with a picture of a boat and a place to type in your email address. Online at BoatParty.biz. Shall we clear the docket?

Yes, I will make no further comment on that mysterious message. What is on the docket? Here's something from Eric. My wife believes that I should not refer to the existence of koala bears nor seagulls because they're not real things. As she says, koala bears happen to be marsupials, and seagulls are actually several different species of gulls. On the other hand, she believes in the existence of strawberries, boysenberries, raspberries, etc. On the other hand, she believes in the existence of strawberries, boysenberries, raspberries, etc. I'd like you to rule that she is wrong and I am right, that names do not have to be accurate to be applicable.

Oh, I suppose that she would not want me to refer to sea lions because that term actually refers to any number of species of nautical lions. I'm sorry. I understand that a koala bear is a marsupial and not a bear. I understand that a seagull refers to a lot of different kinds of animals that are gulls. And indeed, many of them do not fly that far out into sea. They really should be called shore gulls. do not fly that far out into sea. They really should be called shore gulls. But these names are passed down like any other kinds of language, and they are often imperfect. Why? If it were not for this kind of animal naming vernacular, we would not have not only the sea lion, but also the polecat, which refers to many species of the weasel family,

including the striped polecat, the steppe polecat, the black-footed ferret, aka the American polecat, the European polecat, the marbled polecat, which I like the best because it has the best flavor, and of course the skunk, which isn't even a weasel. Skunk. Can you repeat all that? I was distracted by eating these nuts that I urinated upon. Oh, you're talking about urine nuts? Indeed.

It's funny because they're actually legumes. Exactly. I would not wish to remove from the English language this confusing complexity, for indeed you see the pleasure that I took from the confusing complexity of the English language while talking to Joey English not that long ago. So I would ask your wife to stop being a language pedant or urin-dant and let you say whatever you want about cute koala bears and disgusting seagulls. Next case, please. Here's something from Adam. My wife and I recently moved to New York City from San Francisco. While living in San Francisco, I would ride my bike to commute and to exercise.

In New York, I live close enough to my school that I can walk on a daily basis, but I'd like to resume riding my bike. My wife thinks that bicycling in New York is too dangerous and cites as proof that many people we know have been injured while bike riding in New York City. I counter that. A. I have hundreds of hours of city riding experience. B. Thousands of New Yorkers bike in Manhattan every day without incident. And C. I take all legal precautions when I ride.

My wife says that there are plenty of public transit options for getting around, and that if I want to ride for exercise, I should take my bike on the train outside of the city. I hereby request an injunction that so long as I agree to abide by all legal biking requirements, i.e. to wear a helmet, have both front and back lights, and obey all other traffic laws that my wife cannot object to my bicycle riding. Without having statistics at hand, because I try not to in any situation, I do sympathize with your wife's position. For riding a bicycle in New York City is dangerous. Is it more dangerous than riding in San Francisco? is dangerous. Is it more dangerous than riding in San Francisco? It's difficult for me to say, but I will say that unlike San Francisco, traditionally riding bikes in New York City has been reserved to scuzzy bike messengers who live to die and therefore have bred an antagonistic relationship with automobilers and motorists in the city that I think has lingering after effects.

I myself, as a longtime bike rider in many of the great cities of the world, Boston and New Haven, did not feel entirely comfortable riding around New York City. comfortable riding around New York City. But that was before there were these bike lanes that I think do make biking a little bit safer, but also make car drivers a lot angrier at you. I don't think that I would prohibit you from riding your bike in the city. I do think you've got plenty of experience and I think you will take precautions and you will naturally be extra careful as you're navigating a city that you don't know very well. But I would admonish you this. If you can walk to work, do so, because I used to be able to walk to my office, and it's a fantastic way to get to know the city that you are living in by going slowly and investigating weird storefronts and getting a 5,000 calorie bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich every day before

work. And I would also invite you to enjoy many of the city's great bicycle paths in parks, such as Central Park or Riverside Park. One thing I would not do is take your wife's advice, and this basically negates her entire argument as far as I'm concerned, that you take your bike on a train out of the city. Anyone who takes their bike on a train is pretty much dead to me before you even get on the bike. So I find in your favor, sir. And I look forward to your angry emails.

People who take their bikes on the subway that I wonder how you're going to justify yourselves. That's all we've got on the docket this week. Listen, I kind of have to go. I've got an appointment with the website boatparty.biz. I look forward to receiving a mysterious email, and not just from boatparty.biz, but from any of you out there who wish to write me with your disputes that you would like to have heard on the podcast or in my New York Times magazine.

You can't really call it a column because it's very small. Maybe a column net or columnella. Judge John Hodgman rules or to have a case cleared by the docket or to tell me how wrong I am about taking a bicycle onto a subway and poking me in the eye with your handlebars. I look forward to hearing from you. Please write me at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org or you can fill out the form at MaximumFun.org slash JJO. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of maximum fun.org our special thanks to all the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at maximum fun.org slash donate the show is produced by julia smith and me jesse thorn and edited by mark mcconville you can check out

his podcast super ego in itunes or online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfund.org and our Facebook group at facebook. com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.