Judge John Hodgman - Post-Holiday Leftovers

Episode Date: January 21, 2026

We’ve got some leftovers from the holidays. Let’s pull them out of the fridge and answer them once and for all! Is a French dip REALLY a dip? How early is too early to put up your Christmas tree? How long can you drink eggnog or wear your holiday boxers before your partner falls out of love with you? And FINALLY: are zombies the scariest monsters because they’re REAL? All this - plus an ad for Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific! Shampoo - and more, on today’s HOLIDAY LEFTOVERS edition of Judge John Hodgman!BROOKLYN! Join Judge John Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorn LIVE at The Bell House for NIGHT COURT (no, not that one)! Get your tickets here: Friday, March 6, Saturday, March 7Have a question that you can’t settle? No dispute is too small for the honorable Judge John Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorn! Submit your cases directly to the court at: https://maximumfun.org/jjhoFollow Judge John Hodgman on:YouTube: @judgejohnhodgmanpodInstagram: @judgejohnhodgmanTikTok: @judgejohnhodgmanpodBluesky: @judgejohnhodgmanReddit: r/maximumfunPlease consider donating to Al Otro Lado. Al Otro Lado provides legal assistance and humanitarian aid to refugees, deportees, and other migrants trapped at the US-MX border. Donate at alotrolado.org/letsdosomething.  Judge John Hodgman is member-supported! Become a member to unlock special bonus episodes, discounts on our merch, and more by joining us at: maximumfun.org/join!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I am bailiff, Jesse Thorne. The docket is full. We got to clear it out, Judge Hodgman. Yeah, our refrigerator is full of holiday leftovers. It is the beginning of 2026. When you are listening to this, I don't know when it is when you're listening to this, but when we're recording it, it is the beginning of 2026.

The holidays are in the rearview mirror and who knows what the future holds. I want to climb back into the refrigerator and eat up all of our leftovers. Jesse, did you have any holiday leftovers? This is our holiday leftover docket. We're going to talk about some holiday disputes, but let's talk about food for one second. What did you have in your fridge after the end of the holidays? I have a friend, and I'm not going to name who this friend is. But it rhymes with Judge John Podgman.

I hate that guy. You know what? I love you, Jesse. I'm so glad to be friends. I wish you wouldn't run around with that guy. I honestly he lives in New York City

home of the famous Cats' Delicateson I'll have what she's having Yeah and he sent a gift basket to me from Cats' Delicestine of pastrami

seedless rye bread deli mustard sourcrow a funny kind of processed Swiss cheese semi-processed Swiss cheese Can't vouch for their Swiss over there at Casses. And corn beef as well.

Yeah. And I housed it. I mean, I just absolutely destroyed all that corn beef and it was in the pastrami. It was tremendous. But I had some sauerkraut and some of the funny processed Swiss cheese and a little bit of rye bread left over. Yeah. What did you do with it? I made myself a meatless Rubin,

pastrami and Swiss cheese on rye, and I cooked it like a grilled cheese sandwich. Did you put some of their Russian dressing in on there? I did. I put a little bit of Russian dressing in there instead of like mayo or something. Yeah. Tremendous.

Tremendous. Doesn't eat the pastrami's wonderful, but it doesn't eat it. I don't agree with Judge John Pajman on a lot of things. Yeah. truly that guy gets on my nerves. Sure. But in this case, I think he did the right thing.

And I'll say this. If you, if ever, you know, look, Kansas has blown up on the internet. On Instagram, it's become very huge. There are big, big lines. It used to be in New York City. That was a place you could just wander into any time of day and get yourself an expensive,

but truly satisfying, honking big pastrami sandwich. And by the way, that may be the place where I learned to tip like you hate money. Because you toss your carver, your pastrami or your corned beef carver a few bucks, all of a sudden, you're getting a lot more. Like it is a true and obvious transaction and you're taking care of your guy. Yeah.

So, you know, I also gave out some gift boxes of cats. And I got to say, they're extremely reliable. If you're looking for something to send, I mean, their motto is send a salami to your boy in the army. You don't have a boy in the army? Send some pastrami to your friend Jesse Thorny. Yeah, another rhyme. Yeah, exactly. And as a gift, you know, if you, if you need to send someone a gift that they'll appreciate, Kansas is reliable and it gets there on time. And I sent a, I sent a similar box to our friends Molly and Griffin in Maine. And when I ordered it, I did not know that within a couple of days

Rob and Michelle Reiner would not be alive because of the horrible tragedy that occurred. And they didn't know either when they turned on when Harry met Sally on a Maine winter's night

that he had even directed that movie until they got to the Cats' section and they're like, wait a minute, who directed this movie? It was Rob Reiner. And at that moment, Jesse, I swear to God or whatever. there was a ding-dong at the door from the UPS man bringing Katz's Pistrami to their door as they watched that scene. A astonishing. A magical moment.

And boy, do I miss Rob Michelle Reiner a lot. That's such a sad, sad thing to have happened. So sorry to dwell on that, but you reminded me. Now, in my, in my house, I had, now this is going to be a carnivore talk here. If you want to fast forward 10 seconds, if you don't eat meat. But I had a three. rib, short rib, like, hunk of meat in the freezer that I wanted to cook for the holiday up there in Maine. But then my mother-in-law was going to come to town. And so we decided to go more traditional

because she's a very traditional person. So I got a prime rib. Now, you can't go wrong with a roast prime rib. And indeed, I went very right. But this was too much. This thing was too much for our little Christmas dinner. So we had so much hunkin prime rib hanging around the house, turning it into hash, gnawing on bones of an afternoon like it's a chore. A roast beef sandwich, maybe? So many roast beef sandwiches. And I can't complain. I mean, honestly, but I discovered a new use for leftover prime rib, which is dip it in fondue. Oh, wow. Yeah. It was truly indulgent. We were going over to a friend's house. You guys were glamping.

Yeah. We had a pre-packaged fondue that you can get in the supermarket, you know what I mean, where it's all the cheeses and the amelifiers are all in there. All you do is eat it and eat it. And normally you dip like stale bread and broccoli, some blanched broccoli's delicious. Try some cubed prime rib. Holy, holy, bimoli. That was a delightful leftover.

Okay. here's something from Matt in Hamilton, Ontario. My neighbor Brad, through a New Year's party that featured a dip-making competition. Okay. Okay. A peanut chicken saute dip won first place. My shrimp dip tied for third place. The second place winner was a make-your-own French dip slider station.

This is not a dip. Brad says, dips in the name. Case closed. But the case isn't closed. This year, we introduced ranked balloting. Sure. I think it's important. Like the San Francisco supervisorial races. Right. Or all statewide offices in Maine, ranked choice voting is very good. But this competition needs more fine-tuning. I would like to clarify the rules and the dish eligibility criteria. So this was not you saying this is not a dip. This was Matt and Hamilton.

Ontario saying a French dip sandwich is not in the spirit nor the letter of the law of the dip competition. Correct. Okay. Now, before we get into that for a second, I like a wide variety of dips. In fact, one of our listeners sent in an old-timey recipe for a clam dip, which we didn't get to eat on our holiday office party because we were only doing July. Latinous foods. Although I guess dips are pretty gelatinous. We'll do that. Maybe we'll think about

dip competition for the next time, dip comp. But the clam dip. Dip comp sounds like a kind of vaccine, right? What's the vaccine? Dip tep. Yeah, something like that. Diphtheria and something else. Right. Dip tete, maybe. Maybe for our dip comp, we should put diphtheria in one of the dips. And it's like a little Russian roulette situation. Yeah, that's right. That makes a little fun game. So Julia sent in from Southern California, clam dip for chips. There's a wonderfully stained index card with typewritten instructions on it.

Clove of garlic, two packages of cream cheese, Worcestershire, lemon juice, salt, half a cup of clams minced, and a tablespoon of clam broth. Now, I can almost hear our audience vomiting all over themselves as they drive right now. But that said, this sounds good to me.

Shrimp dip. I don't know why that's really gross to me. I'm sorry. I like the idea of shrimp dip. I don't like the idea of clam dip. What kinds of shrimps are you using in the shrimp dip, Jesse? Maybe you're dipping shrimps into something. Oh, that makes more sense, I suppose, like a shrimp cocktail.

But it could be shrimpy. It could be shrimpie in flavor. Yeah, it could be minced shrimps. Matt in Hamilton, Ontario, tell me how to make the shrimp dip. it will not affect my ruling, which is French dip is not dip. Right? Of course it's not dip. No, of course it's not dip.

The dip in French dip is a verb. It's that you're dipping it. You dip it in the ju. It's not a dip. It's not a noun dip. Right. Zhu is a dip. Ju is a dip.

We're talking about, oh, juu. Well, that's a good question. Does a dip have to be gelatinous to be a dip? Or do you just have to be dipping something? Like if you're dipping a donut into coffee, does the coffee become a dip? No. Boy, you know that there are people already writing that email right now. What's a dip?

No, because that's not a dip. That's a dunk. Okay. Great. And I would say French dip is in this moment. Let the record reflect that Jennifer did a move that I'm going to describe as the Saturday night fever at the engineer desk. It's celebration of you declaring that coffee is a dunk.

a dip. Oh, she pointed her finger at the sky, John Travolta style. That's great. Yeah. I'm from the last generation, by the way, as in elder millennial. I'm from the last generation where the only cultural reference was Saturday night fever dance. The only thing, I don't, it came out before I was born.

Right. But for an entire 15 years afterwards, Saturday night fever dance, the only cultural reference that existed. That was the only piece of culture in American culture at that time. Yeah. You wouldn't have Pac-Man fever if you didn't have Saturday in a night fever. Not to say nothing of Disco Duck. To say nothing of Rick Deez's number one hit Disco Duck.

Anyway, yeah. So the Oju is like a thin, like, it's a thin, it's not even a gravy because it's not flour. It's just like juice. It's the roast beef juice and you dip your whole sandwich in it. And it's delightful. And I hear there, now there are two famous French dip restaurants in Los Angeles. Yeah, that would be Cole's French Dip and Philippe's the French Dip. And one of them I heard on another podcast, we'll call them the Bodoys.

One of them's closing. Is that correct, Jesse? Do you know anything about that? Cole's French Dip, they both claim to be the inventor of the French Dip. They're very different restaurants. Cole's French Dip was bought by like a restaurant group maybe 15 years ago. Right. And turned into a very kind of like subway tile sleeve garter type restaurant.

Yeah, Edison bulb type restaurant. And they are apparently closing. A lot of economic pressures on a downtown Los Angeles restaurant these days. I'm sorry to hear that. And they are apparently closing. Although I think they're also looking for someone to sell. This restaurant has been open since, I think, the 19th century or something. That's Coles is closing.

That's Coles. Philippe's the French dip is by far my preferred French dip. And they're safe for now. This is near Union Station here in Los Angeles, which is not exactly downtown Los Angeles. And this is like a restaurant where everything has actually been the same since 1920. Right. Like there's literally their sawdust on the floor.

there's oh philippe's is the best if you want the real if you want the real french dip you take your sandwich you dip it in the ju and then you sprinkle a little sawdust on it it's called a dusty dip the big sort of difference culturally speaking between philippes and coals is that at coals it's served as it might be served at a

at a, you know, nice mid-range restaurant that serves a French dip with a cup of ju. Yeah. At Philippe's, I believe you can ask for a cup of ju, but they dip it for you. And you can control how dipped you would like it to be. So a lot of people like a double dip, for example. Or sometimes people will just say wet and they'll just straight up get it soaked. I dare say they dunk it. They probably dunk it, yeah.

Like put it in a fry basket and drop it into the juke. Yeah, French dip is not a dip. I would say if you want some fun, take your thinly sliced roast roast sandwich and dip it in some real dip, dip it in some onion dip. That would probably taste good. That sounds great.

You could even dip it in your fondue, and I'm going to say that fondue is a dip. Yeah, I think fondue is a dip. Fondue is a dip. Fondu is kind of its own thing, but it's a very special dip, but it is definitely a dip. It's a hot dip.

Here's a case from David. Every year my daughter June sets up her Christmas tree on her birthday. Which is when? September 29th. Oh, boy. That's too early, isn't it? Okay, so we have a video.

Okay. That we're going to take a look at. Yeah. What's the cat doing in there? That was a video of a cat, not a video of a, the cat was in the Christmas tree. A little cat, too. Is that cat an or? tournament.

Let me see that again. Let me see that again, please, Jennifer Marmer. Come on, kitty cat. You know, I'm a big fan of onion dip and I'm a big fan of the onion newspaper.

Their motto should be, we still got it because they do. And they posted a picture of a cat, I think it was the onion. It could have been the pretty much equally brilliant reductress, but they posted a picture of a cat in a Christmas tree with a caption, cat acknowledges getting into the tree was the extent of its plan. And that's clearly what's going on there. Okay, that's a very adorable cat.

It's a tuxedo cat for those of you who aren't watching the YouTube. And if you aren't watching the YouTube, why don't you please go over to the YouTube channel. Judge John Hodgman Pod. cost you nothing to subscribe. You just click a button and really helps other people discover the podcast. But with that plug aside,

I will say that's an adorable cat that shouldn't be in that tree. Oh, you know what? Let's do what you're going to do, cat. Just as long as it's safe for that cat, it's fine. Somebody called the fire department. We're going to get that cat out of the tree. Yeah, that's right.

Save the cat and start a screenplay. Point is. September 29th is much, much, much, too early. to put up a Christmas tree. It's obviously a whole month before Halloween. But you know what?

Because it's June's birthday. And June is my birthday month, by the way. I'm going to say happy birthday, June. You do whatever you want. You and your cat, live it up. What about for normal people? Oh, no, no, no. If it's not your birthday, you can put your tree up on your birthday,

I guess any time, if I'm going to be fair. How you put mine up April 24th? Yeah, you could put yours up then if you wanted and just leave it, let it die all year until you finally get to Christmas. I would say, you know, don't, but it's your birthday. You do whatever you want. September 29th is, I think that's far enough away to be, frankly, unforgivable. And yet because it's your birthday, it feels like. a nice treat. Go for it. David. I'm a real Thanksgiving

Liker, and I feel like if the Christmas decorations are up at ruins Thanksgiving. I'm a real Thanksgiving hater, and I agree with you. Let's take a quick break so I can watch that little video 10 more times. We'll be back in just a second on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I watched that video 12 times. Yeah. During the break. That cat reminded me of another miraculous holiday. tale that happened to me in real life. So one Christmas, a few Christmases ago, our daughter, Hajmina, who's a whole human being in her own right, and I, were taking the Vermonter train north to Western Massachusetts.

I, to do a show at the Shea Theater with Monty Belmontia, a holiday show, she to visit her oldest friend who still lives up there in Western Mass, or did at the time. And it was very, very crowded on the train. I've told this story before, but I'm going to tell it again because I love it. And it was very, very crowded on the train. We had a hard time finding seats together. But there was one guy who always had an empty seat next to him. He kind of looked like Paul Jammati.

I'm just painting a word picture here. So you get a picture of it. Was the energy Paul Jammadi in a movie energy? It was the wrong kind of Paul Jammati. Like, I'd love to sit next to Paul Jammati all the time. Yeah, actually, Paul Jammati has a joy. Yeah. Imagine if Paul Jammati was playing a character who looks like

And is sitting on an Amtrak train and is nursing his ninth tall boy of Bud Light and making intensely jolly conversation with anyone who dared sit next to him to the point that people were I think lying to him and saying, this is my stop. And they would go and find a seat in another compartment because he was just he was just chatting Bud Light all over these people's faces. and one of them had a cat and as she was leaving the train either to get off of the station

or to just avoid him, he goes, Merry Christmas to you and your cat. He's a wonderful companion for you. Which is very charming and wonderful. And then he got on the phone and was just chatting up the person he was seen. He's like, yeah, I should be there in a couple of hours.

And as we're waiting to get off the train, he's talking to somebody on the phone. He goes, well, hang on a second. getting another call coming in, goes to the other call and he says very loudly, what's that? Huh? Naked pictures of me on the internet. Well, that can't be true. And then we had to get off the train.

That sounds like a wonderful companion to you, John. It was a wonderful, he was a wonderful companion, but he was, we, I mean, he had to call everyone he knew. He goes, you're going to hear something about naked pictures of me on the internet. It's not true. I'm going to write a screenplay for Paul Jamati based on that guy. Here's a case from Shannon in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. My husband Charles wears Christmas-themed boxer briefs year round.

Charles says underwear is utilitarian. He doesn't think about the design when he's grabbing a pair. I think Christmas items are special. They should be reserved for the holiday season. Please make him stop. Where is she writing from? Oh, little town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania? Indeed.

A little on the nose. This reminds me of our friend, in Madison, Wisconsin, who wears minion pajamas out and about while checking the mail. Yeah. And his while appearing on the Judge John Hodgman live show. Well, right. That's because we invited him to do it, and he's a good sport. Yeah.

But his spouse did not want him to be wearing minion pajamas out and about. And I think whether it be minion pajamas or Santa-themed tidy whitties, if the person you share a bed with is like, to post the internet, that's not it, chief. You should listen when your spouse doesn't like your underthings. You know, you should listen because you want to hug and kiss this person. Underwear has a utilitarian purpose, but I think that it would be just, you know,

unless it's your birthday and you get off on wearing, wearing Santa boxer briefs on September 29th or whatever, I think that probably you should listen to your spouse. I received a night shirt from my wife as a whole human being in her own right for Christmas,

which was really fun. I'm typically a pajamas guy. I wear like full, you know, Dick Van Dycheo pajamas. Yeah. You and Corey Doctoro. But, I have to say a nightshirt is really appealing. The problem is that when I toss and turn,

it tends to tighten its wrap upon me. Yeah. And so I end up bound by a nightshirt. I can tell you that it does mimic the sheets in a way that is a little disorienting at first. Because you're like, are the sheets down around my knees? What is this extra fabric? But there, I mean, there's very little that is more sort of Christmassy to wear. than a night shirt. You really feel like a Scrooge or the narrator of a night before Christmas. Did your wife get a kerchief? Yeah. Ma in her kerchief and I in my cap? Yeah. No, she didn't. There, you're going to, you're going to see me soon. We're going to be in person. I'm going to show you some of the clothes that my wife is a holy moon or right picked out for me.

There's some of the greatest items of clothes that I've ever worn, like great taste. This was a little bit of a misfire only because she revealed that the inspiration was when David Reese came to visit us in Maine over the summer, he wore a nightshirt. And I'm like, well, I can't wear this now. I feel like I'm wearing another woman's lingerie. Yeah. So, but I tried it out. I really liked it. And it's cozy for Christmas time.

I will wear it again, maybe on my birthday. Yeah, hit up that like Vermont country store or something like that. Hmm. You know what they used to sell at Vermont country store that they don't anymore? An old brand from the 70s of shampoo called, G, your hair smells terrific. You've always surprised me with knowing a lot of my cultural references, even though we were born a decade apart.

But you've never heard of G. Your Hair Smells Terrific, right? I know all about the dance from Saturday Night Fever, which film I've never seen. Right. Me neither, by the way. I don't know about, gee, your hair smells terrific. Okay, here's something from Thomas in New Hampshire. My wife, Rebecca and I have a dispute about when to begin holiday rituals. When it gets cold, I get the craving for eggnog. In New Hampshire, it gets cold in early October, or even the end of September in some years.

Rebecca says that as soon as I buy eggnog, she should be allowed to play the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack in the house. But I think Christmas music should be restricted to post Thanksgiving. What should we do? Well, Jesse, you love Thanksgiving. Would Eggnog ruin Thanksgiving for you? Absolutely not. It wouldn't. Oh, okay.

No. Eggnog to me is a seasonal drink in that its viscosity leads it to be preferable in the winter months, I would say. I think that pegging eggnog to weather is appropriate, whereas the Charlie Brown Christmas special is specifically a Christmas thing. Now, in the Christmas season, will I be listening to the soundtrack of the Charlie Brown Christmas special? Yes, one of the best Christmas albums

ever recorded. Just truly perfect. Completely gorgeous. Yeah. And I would say it might be the best Christmas album ever recorded, at least in the category of no murderers in its title.

The point? Yeah. I mean, if they retitled the Phil Specter Christmas gift for you, maybe that will return to the top of the list. And now I understand the point. Got it. Okay. But, yeah, you really can't beat that. But that is definitely December listening.

Yeah. Well, I mean, if you are willing to accept eggnog into your heart and pie hole at Thanksgiving, I see no problem with Thomas in New Hampshire cracking open the nog as a as a, It gets chilly, especially up there in New Hampshire, up there in northern New England. Sorry, Rebecca. I don't know why it offends you so much. I think as soon as you start seeing eggnog in the stores, it's fair game. You can open it.

And I would definitely get into it early because if you get into it late like we did, we got, we bought our eggnog late. And I, I tore it a lot of nog down the drain in Maine, I've got to say. It just, we just couldn't, couldn't keep up with it. You know, we got sick of it. For me, I love it, but you get sick of it quick. So pace yourself. I want Thomas and Rebecca to be visiting Nog a few times during the cold months. I don't want Nog in the refrigerator for three straight months.

That's too much Nog. Too much Nog. I agree. Nog is a lovely celebration special event drink. Because, you know, you pour. it in the traditional thimble-sized glass. That's over 2,000 calories. Like a gnaug, I think one of the nice things about starting the nog at the beginning of October is maybe they got three chances to enjoy gnaug over that three-month period

without over-nogging themselves. It's like that famous holiday special, A Tale of Three Nogs. Indeed. Okay. Let's start. take a break because we got zombies coming up on the other side. We're taking a quick break from clearing the docket to let you know that we will be in Brooklyn, New York City at the Bell House Friday, March 6th, Saturday, March 7th. I am really excited about this, John. That's right. Judge John Hodgman is coming home to the Bell House. A short walk from my own Hodge House. Cannot wait to see you all in Brooklyn again on our very favorite home stage. The Bell House, March 6th and 7th.

It's always better when you're there, so I hope you will please go right now to Maximumfund.org slash events and get your tickets to join us now. It's going to be a lot of fun. The Bell House, March 6 and 7th, Maximumfund.org slash events. It's going to be a very special one. Find some new stuff.

It's going to be great. Maximumfund.org slash events. Let's get back to the docket. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. You ready for this zombie question, John? I'm a little scared. Uh-huh. What's going on with the zombies?

Is it happening finally or what? Here's a case from Hallie in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I am very scared of zombies. Zombies are scarier than other kinds of ghosts and monsters because they seem more real. Other people in my life say zombies are as unreal as everything else, ghosts, vampires, etc. But in virtually every story of zombies, there is a time before the zombies. And then a thing happens and zombies come into existence. So while it's true that they don't exist now, we could be in the part of the story before they exist.

Please rule that zombies are more real and therefore scarier. You know what I'm scared of? No, tell me what? Mummies. mummies are real. Yeah, there's mummies right now. Plus, what if they're in your closet? I know where there are mummies very near the Temple of Dendur in the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

I've laid my eyes on them. Now, if a mummy comes back to life, is that a zombie? An animated mummy? Or is that still a mumby? Still a mummy. I think as long as the rap's still on there, it's still a mumby. A mumby? Is that what it's called?

That's where you just called it, so I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, Anthony. Thank you very much, Jesse. I've been, you know, I've been reading a bunch of Marvel comics from the 70s, which was an era, a weird era of Marvel comics. In the, in the real definition of the word weird, like, they did a lot of martial arts comics, a lot of black exploitation style movie comics, not movies, but based on the black exploitation, uh, uh, uh, like movies like Shaft and superfriving stuff. The sort of aesthetic of a black exploitation. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, that's why you had Power Man and Iron Fist teaming up. I mean, let me just say, I think we can all agree, 1970s golden age for black guys doing karate. Absolutely. Absolutely. And they had a lot of horror comics, too. They had Tomb of Dracula. They had Werewolf by Night.

And it was a weird time in comics, and that's why I'm enjoying it so much. But one of the things that took me by surprise is that the 1970s era Avengers did have a fight with a bunch of zombies, but they couldn't call them zombies because it was a holdover of the comics code. When the comics code was established, which was a self-policing code, the comic industry put on itself to avoid being legislated out of existence by a real prude named Werther, I think his name was, that it was. was agreed that they would not depict the undead in comics anymore because a lot of people were clutching their pearls over that in the 50s. And so they decided to bring back zombies, but they made up a new word for them, which is Zovembis. It's sort of like mumbies. It's a little bit nicer. Zovembes. And I had no idea what they were talking about. These are zombies, but they keep

talking about, I mean, obviously, Ironman is saying Zovemby with a straight face because you can't see his face. He's got a mask on. This was the period of time, by the way, when Iron Man had a nose. They put a nose on Iron Man. He looked like a real dope. Anyway, Mommy, may I have another cucumber sandwich, please? Zovembes. You can think of zombies that way, but I don't think you're going to be less scared, Halley, in Philadelphia. Because what you are afraid of when, in the, in the, is not necessarily the classical raised from the dead creatures of myth and particularly Afro-Caribbean lore, but instead the more contemporary definition of zombie, which is any mindless, shambling or fast-running predator that arises out of an unknown contagion that expands,

exponentially until you and your weird band of survivors are the only ones left. And that is a terrifying myth because not only is contagion a real thing as we all experienced globally during pandemic lockdown, complete change and a terrifying change of life and a terrifying loss of life. But it also, it's scary because sometimes it feels like the, neighbors and fellow, fellow countrymen and women and others that surrounded us that we thought, kind of we all saw the world the same way. It turns out they inhabit a

completely different reality, one in which we or other people are not welcome. So it's a really scary idea. I agree with you. It's scarier than Dracula's. Even though Dracula's can have any job. Right. Exactly. Because we know we know that they don't exist. And they are a metaphor for all different kinds of other. And it's scarier than ghosts because ghosts, while scary, are kind of always reassuring to me because it does suggest that there is a life after death, which is not something I have any assurance in at all at the moment.

And I guess they're scarier than werewolves. I don't know. I mean, I get it. It's my point, Halley. And everyone responds to different things in different ways. And if zombies are scarier to you than any other classical kind of monster myth, then you should own your fear. And that's fine.

You don't have to watch zombie or zombie adjacent media. You don't have to defend yourself. All you have to do is barricade yourself in the top floor of an apartment building with about five years worth of MREs and freshwater and never see any of your friends again. That's probably the best way to stay safe from the Zovembis. John, did you go to the Sir John Sown Museum with me one time in London? Yes, yes, I did. That was an amazing experience.

Tell people what that was. So Sir John Sone was an architect, a pioneering architect. That was his primary contribution to world culture. He invented, among other things, indirect skylights and also invented the idea of architectural models, essentially. Like he went to the classical world, which was informing most contemporary architecture at the time. It's like around 1800 or something.

And he created scale models of the classical edifices and brought them back for architectural students to study, which had never been done before. It had never occurred to anyone that they could build a three-dimensional version. of the things in the classical world so that students didn't have to... Like the Parthenon or the...

Yeah, either go check out the Parthenon in person, which was very complicated and expensive at the time, or just like look at a picture of it, right? Right. Very big deal things. He also had this house that... Among many wonderful things,

there's a mausoleum for his dog in the basement, but one of the wonderful things is like, Egyptology was all the rage in London at the time. Yeah. And he bought a sarcophagus, took the facade off his house, wheeled the sarcophagus into his house on the ground floor. He had to remove the entire facade of his house because the sarcophagus was too big to bring in otherwise. Yeah.

Then he cut a hole in the second floor of his house so that he could have a viewing gallery of the sarcophagus. And then he just started hosting sarcophagus parties. Anyway, that's just on the subject of mummies. Wait a minute. Was this Sir John Soames' house? Or is this Adam Savage's workshop in San Francisco? No, that's all of this stuff is the same. Only it's a real life R2D2. Yes, exactly. Okay. So speaking of what is and isn't real, here's something about real supermarkets from Ariel or Ariel in Pikesville, Maryland. Trader Joe's is my favorite supermarket.

Trader Joe's. If I'm going to read this out loud. It doesn't make sense if we leave out the brand, though. Trader Joe's is my favorite supermarket. Call 1-800 shop Tjs for great values. No, that can't be when you're. Trader Joe's is my favorite supermarket. Trader Joe's provides a curated selection of almost everything needed to feed a family.

My girlfriend says it's not a real supermarket. She says she can't find everything she needs. needs there, she has to go to another store to finish her shopping. Who's right? Is Trader Joe's a supermarket? Interesting. I mean, John, you're used to living in New York City where there essentially are not any supermarkets. Yeah, it really does hinge on what Ariel and Ariel's girlfriend's respective childhood experiences were in terms of what a real supermarket is. Because, you know, what was a supermarket when you were growing up in San Francisco, Jesse? I had two very different supermarket experiences. My mother's house, which was at 15th in Guerrero in the Mission District of

San Francisco, was, you know, if we had had a car, there was a Safeway supermarket, not that far away near Church and Market. But we did not have a car. So we walked to a co-op grocery store called Rainbow that's still there in San Francisco and had to eat carib treats. Yes. My father's house, though, first on Gaudius Street and just barely Bernal Heights, and then on Tiffany Avenue and just barely the mission, was right behind a Safeway. So we were less than three quarters of a block from the front door of that Safeway. Safeway, big traditional, classic grocery store. Not a comically huge one, but like very straight ahead traditional American store. supermarket. So it was two very different shopping situations. And I think most of the non,

most everything that wasn't that was like a Mexican market that carried Latin American specialty foods, mostly Kern's nectar. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I grew up with, growing to the Star Market in Chestnut Hill neighborhood of Brookline and Massachusetts, which is very, very suburban, very wide aisles. And when I moved to New York City where, you know, there's not a lot of wide open space in Manhattan where I first lived to be putting in supermarkets, like grocery stores were shoved into what had once been bank lobbies or, you know, old doctor's offices. And I was like, where do you buy a head of lettuce? I only see these dusty cans of dinty more beef stew or whatever. it was a really different experience. It's changed to a degree, but even here in Brooklyn, where the streets are wider and the houses and the are shorter and all in all, it's a little bit more Brookline-like than Manhattan. It's still, you're bumping shoulders in a union market or in a, my beloved corner market called the bad wife. Like, it's a small experience. And Trader Joe's too. I mean, that's literally in a, bank, a former bank over there on Atlantic Avenue and I think Court Street.

It's a different kind of experience than maybe Ariel's grew up, Ariel's girlfriend, I should say, grew up with. When I think of supermarket, I think of either my star market when I was growing up or the Safeways that you described and big supermarket chain in the West Coast or my beautiful Jensen supermarket in Blue J, California on the way up to Mount, to Lake Arrowhead, big wide aisles and like a very suburban overabundance of choice. I'll say this about Trader Joe's. First of all, love it. They should sponsor us.

They make a prepackaged Cuban sandwich, which this may be heresy to some, but it's really quite good. And some of the things there are really terrific. And it's great for Staples. But this thing that Ariel is saying, Trader Joe's provides a curated selection of almost everything needed to feed a family. I will bet, I will bet my own children

that Ariel has no children because that's not true about Trader Joe's at all. Trader Joe's is a great place to shop if you are a bachelor or a bachelorette or you're a young couple and you're gonna be reheating some frozen wantons

and watching the traders. That, by the way, what a life. What a life you all are leading. Holy moly. You know, it's a affordable by comparison to certain high-end supermarkets, but it's not a budget-friendly spot for people who are counting their pennies trying to feed a whole family of, particularly of younger children and teenagers who are just going to eat all the groceries you have within five minutes of you getting them home. It is not a Costco. It is not a bulk purchase place. It is indeed curated, but it is curated for, I think, you know,

20-year-olds and, you know, child-free 30 to 40-year-olds. Yeah, I watched all of the wire in 2005, six, seven, and eight or whatever. Yeah. While eating, you know, frozen wantons from Trader Joe's. Yeah. Oh, boy. What a life. What a life.

I mean, Trader Joe's has, like, as someone who I generally shop at Trader Joe's, not exclusively, but generally. And I have three children. I do have to supplement that shopping. I don't have to do it every time. But sort of like shopping at the farmer's market for your produce, like you have to make a stop every once in a while for rich crackers or whatever it is that is your preferred. I mean, I was at Trader Joe's. I rarely like suffer for a staple being missing from Trader Joe's. but my mother-in-law bought two pie crusts in order to make a keesh because the pie crust came in a set of two.

Sure. And then she accidentally thawed both of them. And so she panicked and cooked the second one by itself because she was worried about food safety or something. Sure. So we had this unfilled pie crust sitting in my house. And I had the idea, I'm going to make like a banana cream pie. Oh, what a great idea. And I'm going to make the lowest end banana cream pie in existence because I already got this pre-made pie crust.

I'm just going to buy some banana pudding, put some banana slices in and basically make a, you know, maybe get some nilla wafers or something to make the top, you know? Jesse, you know I don't like sweets, but I want to put that in my pie hole right now. That sounds great. But then I realized I was headed to Trader Joe's to do my grocery shopping, not the supermarket supermarket, and there's no banana pudding. I buy my grape nuts that I eat for breakfast. I buy them like three boxes at a time when I happen to be in the food for less by my house. Right. It's another thing.

I buy that at the food for less. They haven't got that at the Trader Joe's. So, you know, it's a, I am inclined, honestly, to agree with Ariel, generally speaking. I think it is a quote unquote real supermarket in that you can absolutely feed your family. But and I think that Ariel's girlfriend might reconsider whether she needs to fill in the gaps every time they go grocery shopping. Right. They could get a grocery delivery once a month and cover whatever they can't get at Trader Joe's or stop by the corner market or whatever. But I do understand the point that the girlfriend is making.

It is typical that you got to fill in a hole here and there. There are Trader Joe's, to be sure, that are bigger and have wider aisles and have a much more supermarkety form factor. It's true. Shout out to that. Trader Joe's on Fair Oaks in South Pasadena. And they got a new Trader Joe's. It took over a real supermarket. Yeah.

And, oh, boy, that is a joy to show. I went on a Sunday afternoon to Trader Joe's and had no problems, no lines. There was someone to help bag. One of the big problems with Trader Joe's, by the way, as with Aldi supermarkets, Aldi owns Trader Joe's, the German grocery conglomerate. Oh, I didn't know that. Union busters. Oh. You know, most of the grocery industry is unionized, and Trader Joe's and Aldi's are not, and they've been very resistant.

However, that having been said, I love those aisles. And I like that beef and broccoli. Yeah, I would say the Trader Joe's in Brooklyn, where I go is absolutely not a supermarket. It just doesn't have that feel to it. There are Trader Joe's that have a more supermarket-y feel, but I'm just going to say, for point of clarity, no, Trader Joe's is not a supermarket, not in the way that common sense would understand a supermarket to be. Size is the form factor, but also availability of many different brands.

If you're in Trader Joe's, you're locked into their ecosystem. And as delicious as that might be, it is, as you say, Ariel, to its credit, curated, it is specific. You are not going to be able to get premium brand saltines, which are the only ones that work when I'm going to make those Alabama firecrackers. It's just not the same. But that said, shout out to Trader Joe's. Love them. Come on, Judge John. Well, no, maybe we don't want you.

You know what, Trader Joe's? Allow your, allow your employees to unionize. How about that? You're not a supermarket. Don't make them wear those dopey shirts. Let's kind of get the last of the weird teaky hut colonialism out of Trader Joe's. We got it out of our Banana Republic.

Let's move on to Trader Joe's now. Are you suggesting that Trader Joe's switch to sort of a mid-range Euro-trash aesthetic? I don't know. I'm just saying it's not a supermarket, even though it's got or whatever damn delicious, a lot of it. and I just want to shout out.

I don't love the I don't love the Hannafords in Blue Hill, Maine that took over what used to be the privately owned tradewind supermarket, one of the greatest supermarkets of all time, maybe even rivaling my beloved Jensen's in Blue Jays, California. But I will give them credit for playing No Myth by Michael Penn on the PA system when I was shopping there over the holidays. That was a delight. Love that song. Love you, Michael Penn. and I enjoy it being on Hannaford's rotation. All right, Doc, it's clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hatchman.

Our YouTube commenter of the week is at Natasha Geertz, a rare actual human name for their username on YouTube. Natasha watched the episode called The Fight to Remain Silent on our YouTube channel. You might recall this to two friends in the Boston area, one of whom had difficulty not talking all the time, not dominating the conversation. And he brought in a mime to prove his point.

Even now, I don't remember what his argument was for that, but it was delightful to have a mime on a podcast. Yeah, what were we going to say, no? Yeah. And we had a pre-production meeting like, this is dumb. This is ridiculous. But what are we going to say, no? Yeah.

And I say it was a total delight that mime was incredible. And Natasha agreed, after years of listening, Natasha wrote, I randomly picked this as the first YouTube episode to watch. Definitely more mimes, please. Panels of mimes, a jury of mimes, end of comment. I agree with that comment. And thank you for joining us on the YouTube.

As I mentioned before, more and more people are discovering podcasts through YouTube. So going to the YouTube channel and checking it out for the often surprise mimes that we're dropping into the feed. And just hitting that subscribe button really helps us spread the word of this podcast, which is called Judge John Hodgman. by the way. John, you know that story about my dad having the vision of the 12 huge man of representing every race deciding whether he should live or die? It's truly one of the most

remarkable stories of all time. Yes, I remember it. He didn't tell me whether they were mimes. So it's possible that they were mimes. It's possible they were mimes. It's possible they were mimes. It's possible they were mimes. I actually, I just told a story about my dad on video for social media And I would say to people out there, check me out on your favorite. I'm on TikTok now. I'm on YouTube. You can search for Jesse Thorne on YouTube. Just posting shorts on Instagram.

And on Blue Sky, Instagram and Blue Sky and TikTok, it's all Jesse Thorne very famous. And Jesse, I've got to say, you're giving Jamal Boulia run for his money in the dapper video essayist category. Sorry, J.B. Boy, oh boy, no one. Forget it. We're never going to be as stylish as Jamel Bowie. Forget it. Jamel Bowie's the best.

I'm not even in the running. Even you, you have style and Jamel Bowie is still miles ahead of you when it comes to the style game. No offense. I mean, obviously I know more about reconstruction than Jamel Bowie. Anyway, Jamel Bowie knows everything about everything. Jamel Bowie. Judge John Hodgman, created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. Megan Razadi is our social media specialist.

I let her in the building today. The podcast edited by, not to brag, AJ McKeon, our editor, Daniel Spear, our video producer, the show's produced by Jennifer Marmer, photos from the show on our Instagram account at Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We're on TikTok and YouTube at Judge John Hodgman pod.

I enjoy seeing those on TikTok and YouTube. You know, a lot of these apps, they got a little, you know, share button now. They got one on Instagram. You can share, you can share videos also on TikTok. Hit that share button. Makes a big difference.

I thought you were saying a chair button. Like if you want to. No, there's a share. There's a share button. There's no sunny button. Oh, God, that's fun. We are done. Yeah, please go to YouTube and all of our other social media and share some stuff.

Leave a comment. Share it with someone who you think might enjoy the podcast. Thanks for your support as always. You know, I feel like all the disputes that we get about holidays are about when Christmas starts. I want some, I want some Valentine's Day disputes, St. Patrick's Day disputes, disputes about whether it's okay to pinch people who are wearing turquoise. What is that a holiday tradition? That would be St. Patrick's Day, because you can pinch people that aren't wearing green,

but what about turquoise? It's a blue green. Yeah. Depends on the mine, I guess. Jennifer Marmer wants to know, is the McDonald's Shamrock shake even good? I don't want to know. It is good, but does somebody want to fight me? Yeah, all right. Who wants to take it up with Jennifer Marmer? Let's hear your springtime holiday disputes, please.

That includes Easter and any other ones that you can think of. Send them all into maximum fund.org slash JJHO, where indeed you can send all of your disputes on any theme. That shamrock shake has that classic fast food milkshake problem, which is if it's still, that viscous when it's not frozen. That's a concern for me. Sure. It retains its full viscosity at any temperature. How long does it take you to drink a milkshake?

Okay, fair enough. Look, it's about the, it's about the carogenin or the excessive carcinan or whatever it is. It's almost chewy. It's all about the carcinan. I don't care. It's so good. Okay. That's fair.

Send in all your disputes no matter what they are, no matter what milkshakes they pertain to, or anything at all. maximum fund.org slash JJHO. It's a simple form you can fill out. If you think your dispute is too small,

too petty, too weird, let us decide. Let me be the judge, won't you? I'm going to see your disputes as they come through my mailbox and then we might just hear them

on the judge, John Hodgman podcast, maximum fund.org slash jjaho. John, if you're out there and you're listening, yeah, and you think you don't have any disputes with anybody,

pick a fight. Okay. Take a fight with somebody. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO. We can't make the program without you picking fights. We're pro fight picking on the Judge John Hodgeman podcast. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO. Okay, we'll talk to you next time.

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