Judge John Hodgman - Reduce, Reuse, Accuse

Episode Date: May 28, 2015

How should a couple catch a recycling bin thief?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, reduce, reuse, accuse. Elliot brings the case against his girlfriend, Rachel. Their recycling bin has been stolen from the curb repeatedly, and they want to figure out who's responsible. Elliot thinks they should try to catch the thief while it's happening. Rachel thinks they should be a bit more passive. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Hey, hey, hey, hey, let's talk about this. I'm just, I'm in control. I'm making progress. No, you haven't been making any progress and you're not in control it is in control and if you think you're in control then you're being an idiot not a single thing you've done has helped and i'm sorry i don't mean to burst your bubble but the camera hasn't helped and the stupid footprints haven't

helped do you think that thing would have left footprints if it didn't want to no it did it because it wanted to it wanted you to find my recycling bin. It can be anywhere. It hears what we're saying right now. Jesse Thorne, swear them in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? Yes. I do, yes. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he has no need for recycling as he is a being of pure energy? Yes. Very well, Judge Hodgman.

Elliot and Rachel, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors. Can either of you name the piece of culture that I almost directly quoted as I entered the courtroom? I changed one word. Elliot, you bring this case before my court. You get first dibs. Can you guess? I can guess. The thing that I guess would be lost.

Okay, I'm entering your guess into the record. Okay. I'm not saying whether it is correct or not rachel for an immediate summary judgment in your favor do you think it is lost or something else i think it is something else and what is that something else that you would guess i have no idea but i don't think it's lost just make one guess i think it's some sort of sci-fi all guesses are wrong i just needed you to make a guess that i could say all guesses are wrong instead of one guess is wrong which is not not the quote from the wonderful house by the author of good night moon which is one of the marg wise Brown, one of the weirdest books ever written for children.

And there have been a lot of them. Uh, Elliot and Rachel, you're both wrong. It was a quote. It was a quote from that famous movie, paranormal activity. Oh,

in which they wire up the house with cameras to observe ghosts that are stealing their recycling bins for, at least in my mind well i think we found our solution yeah it's ghosts in a or maybe or or maybe not you'll never know until you wire up your your uh recycling bin with a gopro or something to find out for sure which is exactly what elliot wants do. Elliot, explain the case that you bring before this court. We have lived in our apartment, our current apartment for about eight or nine months. And about an average of once a month, our recycling bin is stolen.

And it usually reappears the following week we find we find it filled with someone else's recycling someone just took it to use it and then i'll usually be the one to discover it and bring it back home let me understand first of all where do you live we live in portland maine port Maine. Vacation land itself. And so when you put your recycling out for collection, do you bring it to your curbside? Yes. And it is stolen at some point after you have put out your own recycling? Yes.

And so your recycling gets collected and then someone steals it? I don't really know. We put it out and then it's this is exactly what i want to find out uh we put it out and then lose track of the bin because it's out on the curb in public space and then when we return all right hang on hang on a second you're gonna have to give us a timeline sir walk me absolutely baffling yeah walk me okay walk me through this what day of the week do you put recycling out uh we put it out wednesday night and you have a special bin for recycling yes you put it out with garbage as well yes or no no okay it's just recycling wednesday night is recycling night in portland maine yes all right we're gonna get a t-shirt that says that immediately okay wednesday night is recycling night in portland maine maybe maybe that's a t-shirt

i don't know yet we'll see uh and so you put it out and what color is the bin blue blue and you and you put and you put all your cardboards and your empty soda cans and junk in there, right? Right. Okay. At what time? Between 8 and 11 p.m. Sometimes in the morning. Okay.

Sometimes on Thursday mornings. So it's collected on Thursday morning? Yes. Okay. Does the recycling that you have put out get collected? Yes or no? Yes. By the city of Portland?

I believe, yes. Right. And then? It may be some sort of fairy. Yeah. The Portland Cardboard and tin fairy comes around. Okay. It collects your recycling and turns it into jewelry for Etsy.

When, if you leave it out in the evening and the recycling bin is stolen or borrowed, when do you notice that it is gone? The next day when we return from work. So when we collect it in a perfect world, what would happen is this, you leave the recycling bin full of recycling out on the, out on the street on Wednesday evening, sometime overnight or early in the morning on Thursday, the Portland Tin and Cardboard Ferry comes and takes away those reusable items, leaving the bin empty.

Exactly. You go to work. You see the recycling bin there, still full, perhaps, unless it's been collected overnight. When you come home from work, what you should see is an empty recycling bin that you then take and put into your garage or whatever. Is that more or less what's supposed to happen?

Exactly. Okay. So in that time frame, leaving it out Wednesday night, going to work, coming home. When you come home from work sometime in that area, the recycling may or may not have been collected, but the bin is missing when you come home from work. Is that correct? Correct. And this happens about once a month? Yeah, on average, I would say. Okay. So, and then mysteriously, the bin that has gone missing will suddenly reappear. And where does it reappear? At the foot of your bed in the middle of the night? No. No, it usually is in or around the same spot we would leave it.

And now it has someone else's recycling in it. Exactly. And will it reappear typically on recycling night? In other words, does whoever is taking it take it, fill up your bin with their recycling then drag it back over to your curb for it to be collected on Wednesday night or could it just be random could it be a Sunday could it be a Friday uh no it's on recycling night someone's using it yeah right okay gotcha Okay. Gotcha. So that's weird. Yeah.

That thing is either haunted or you have a creepy neighbor. Yeah. Or more than one. Or more than one creepy neighbor. Sure. It's appeared in different places. Okay. What do you mean?

Sometimes it's right where we would leave it, or sometimes it's been across the street. I found it tucked behind a neighbor's apartment building. We're in kind of a dense urban place, as dense as it gets in Portland, Maine.

So you find it all over the neighborhood? Yeah, right in our vicinity, but yes, not always in the same place. Just out of curiosity, do you suspect that it is one perpetrator or more than one perpetrator? I don't know. There are some confusing details that leave me wondering whether it's more than one person. If it's just a culture in our neighborhood to take other people's bins or what. So I don't know that. No place is more what's yours is mine, easygoing, communal living than Maine.

I'm sure it's part of the culture of Portland, Maine. Yeah, fair enough. Another question out of curiosity. Are you ever driving down the road and you see your recycling bin hitchhiking and you pass it by and then a few miles down the road, you see it again? That hasn't happened before. Okay. No. All right.

Rachel. Yes. What is the point of conflict here? Obviously, this is an amazing mystery. It is. But there is a point of conflict between the two of you. How would you say this point of conflict manifests itself? point of conflict manifests itself. Elliot's plan for tracking down our bin thief is to mount a wildlife surveillance camera in a neighbor's apartment. So we live on the fourth floor.

Our friend lives on the first floor and they have our friends, I should say. They have an apartment that overlooks the area where the bin is most most often found and so he would like to mount a wildlife camera to catch the thief yeah um yeah that's the basic you don't yeah that's it and i don't want you don't want to do that exactly and here's why okay it's my first point is that it's just kind of weird and i'm not opposed to it solely because it's weird, but the, the extent to which it's weird for me is disproportionate to, to what he hopes to do with the information. Once he finds who's stealing the bin, which is to give them a dirty look on the street. And that's it. Is that your entire plan? Elliot, should you,

should you be able to figure out using this wildlife surveillance camera, WSC as we call it, and you find out the identity of the thief or thieves, you're just going to give them dirty looks? That's as far as I've gotten with my plan. I'm mostly really curious. I'll tell you this, that's as far as I would ever get. Exactly. Okay. Because then you're left with the fact that you have to approach somebody and say, look, I caught you on my secret camera stealing our bin.

So can you please stop? Just because you know who the perpetrator is doesn't mean you have to reveal to them how you got that information. Right. Yeah. I suppose that's true rachel i i i see i mean the only thing i see wrong with this plan honestly is that you want to mount this wsc wildlife surveillance camera in your friend's apartment near where the recycling bin is often found which to me i think there's a high likelihood that it's your friend who's doing it

right that could be true elliot have true. Elliot, have you asked your friend yet? Like, can I put up a wildlife surveillance camera? And has your friend like go, I don't think that's such a good idea. Well, actually, in preparation for the case, I asked them, it's a couple, and they were all for it because they had been watching a spy movie. So they were really into the idea. And I actually submitted an affidavit from this friend that they wouldn't mind me mounting the camera in their apartment.

They were watching Harriet the Spy. Harriet the Spy. Movie. Yeah. So they're into it. Rachel, so what would you propose as an alternate plan to solving this problem? What I would prefer to do is to wait it out and to catch them sort of on their own fault, whether that's that they leave an identifying document in the bin or simply are walking out with a bin at the same time that we're outside and can and it can be a direct honest confrontation and sort of instead of this sort

of surreptitious wsc you just want to wait until you you randomly get information that allows you to confront someone personally you want to catch them they act right because then they had it was it would be their fault that they left some kind of identifying document or that they were caught with a bin yeah it's already it's already their fault right well they're already doing the wrong thing right they're already stealing all right then let me take a look at some of this evidence here i'm gonna i'm gonna walk the reader i mean i'm gonna walk the listener through uh through what you've submitted okay here's a here's a picture i see here a picture of your recycling bin so to give people an idea this is a small like uh how many gallons on this recycling bin would you say there elliot um probably 30 gallons yeah It's like a knee height, blue bin,

right? Right. Like a tote size, like a tote size. Right. Exactly. And, and you,

and you have it here in your kitchen in Portland, Maine with your oxalis is on the window, the creepy plant that opens in at night and closes in daytime. And then we see it here happily on the street where you have left it in the, it looks like in the, in the morning to be collected with all your garbage and your junk. Right. So all of these recycling bins look exactly alike.

Elliot. Right. So how how how are they differentiated? Well, ours is differentiated by we have our names and apartment numbers written on two sides of it. Other people use tape or stickers or decorations. But effort is made in your community to differentiate these recycling bins? Right. And I can only assume it's because people have had similar experiences to ours and they don't want to. There will often be five to ten

recycling bins in the same place so you want to grab the one that belongs to you we actually buy the you have to buy these bins from the city so do you but but given that they are all very much alike don't you think there is reason to conclude that this may simply be user error? Maybe once. Yeah, maybe, but the frequency that it happens, and I've come out, yeah, that could be, but it just feels like we're being targeted. Have you heard complaints about others on the street also having their recycling bins disappear? Well, not specifically on the street also having their recycling bins disappear? Well, not specifically on the street.

In previous apartments I've had, it was a recurring problem. Okay, so I went from... How much do you pay for these recycling bins? $10. All right, so the idea that someone in Maine might steal someone's recycling bin in order to save $10 is very plausible. Yes. Yeah.

Uh, the, but the idea, but now you've said that you've been targeted previously, which makes the paranormal, uh, paranormal activity parallel equally plausible that you're being chased from location to location by some sort

of recycling bin thieving demon that's that's possible yeah yeah i think it's a strong possible uh okay let me just say uh so but as we consider these theories, you said there were other strange things that happened that make it even weirder. Yeah. Yeah. Um, one time when I, so I,

our recycling bin was stolen. Um, we didn't have it for a week. So the following week on, uh, on recycling day, I went looking for it and found our recycling bin across the street full of someone else's recycling but which included a stack of dungeons

and dragons manuals let me what what are we talking about here dungeon master's guide monster manual fiend folio uh you know i think it was i'm i'm somewhat familiar with dungeons and dragons but so i it wasn't any kind of monster manual. They were thin, like large magazine size, and I think that they were like players' handbooks. Or maybe campaigns. Who would recycle those? They seem to be kind of valuable,

as far as I can tell. That's the mystery? What grown man renting an apartment in Portland, Maine, would ever get rid of valuable Dungeons & Dragons campaigns? I just can't imagine the person who's nerdy enough to have a stack of Dungeons & Dragons manuals who then decides, I don't need these anymore. I'll throw them away. Yeah, you're talking to one of them.

You throw them away? When I went to college, of course I did. Maybe someone's going to college. You wouldn't just like leave them in like a, you know, a cardboard box at a middle school and the box is just marked lonely. I'm not disagreeing with you elliot because you're right that a weird abandoned collection of dungeons and dragons literature in a recycling bin that is stolen does suggest a mysterious story a life change of some

kind and compound that with theft and you've got something that's very intriguing. But also, I want to remind you, where did you find the Dungeons and Dragons manuals? In the recycling. And where has the recycling been at that point?

Across the street. And across the street, and uh was it plainly visible from your home no i was looking i was looking for our bin right and was it across the street was it across the street on the on the curb yeah okay so you were you were you were sneaking a look at all the bins trying to find your own bin. Yeah. You were going through your neighborhood garbage, looking for evidence to hold against your neighbors.

Yes. This situation is turning you into a creep and a weirdo, and I'd like to get it resolved. Thank you. Any other strange occurrences with regard to the bins? You said this has happened to you before in other places? Yeah. Actually, in a previous apartment, it was myself and three roommates. We had our recycling bin stolen, and then we replaced it and it was stolen the

following week and we replaced it and it happened three weeks in a row and the the strangest thing about it is that uh one of my roommates um he went to work very early the night um the the day that recycling would be collected and our bin was already gone but all of the other bins were still sitting there with the recycling in them uh not collected so someone just took our bin and all the recycling in it and stole it. Do you believe it's the same culprit? Well, I never put it together until now. I don't think so because we live across town from that apartment now. But I guess it's possible. It's not a huge city, so maybe I'm the one being targeted.

And it's been going on for years. Do you think it's possible that you might have a Mr. Hyde alter ego? That when you fall asleep at night, you turn into a different version of yourself who wants you to throw away all your Dungeons and Dragons books and get on with your life? That you're doing it to yourself? Yeah, that's possible. There are a lot of compelling theories. There are so many compelling theories that it almost makes you not want to find out what's actually happening by putting up a video camera.

Because the mystery is fantastic. Did they ever leave any other weird things in your recycling bin? by putting up a video camera because the mystery is fantastic. Did they ever leave any other weird things in your recycling bin? The only other thing that was slightly weird was, I think this is in the evidence online as well, was that somebody had used it for their recycling and there was a container of, how would I put this without using my name? Tofu-based turkey. Oh, yes. And chicken-flavored stovetop stuffing. That's a stuffing.

Yeah. That you make on the stovetop. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for not buzz marketing the brand of stuffing and thus giving an edge to one brand of store-bought stuffing mix that above all the others that you can get right uh and this was also entered into evidence i guess this was you rachel who went around taking pictures of trash

and the and the trash that you took a picture of was uh your recycling bin with stuff that you did not use uh in it including this empty box of a popular uh top of stove stuffing mix and a popular uh uh tofu turkey substitute also an empty box so we're looking here at a a vegetarian or or or we're looking here at a vegetarian or, or, or we're looking here at a vegan or at least vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner fiend, right? Well, the stuffing is chicken flavored. So that's the bizarre part.

Yeah. Slightly bizarre. I think it's sort of neck and neck with you taking pictures of trash. Yeah. I don't see, I don't see anything. So, I mean, other than the fact that it appeared in your bin or your bin reappeared with someone else's garbage in it, you know, this, you know, you, I'm, I'm, I'm, I noticed you didn't send in a picture of your legit trash.

I wonder what conclusions we would draw from it. Do you know what I'm saying? But I'm glad to have, yeah, I'm glad, I'm glad to have this photo anyway of garbage. Thank you. I think that the moment you even bring up the possibility of buying any kind of secret camera, you immediately seed any claim to be anything other than a weirdo. But you basically have to go to Creepo Mart to get one of those. Like you basically have to go to Creepo Mart to get one of those. To be fair, the camera already exists in our, in your dad's camera. Yeah, it's my, yeah, my.

Oh, so you're a creep going back many generations. They, they, I got the idea from my dad and stepmother. They set this up to um take pictures of their bird feeder so it's like a motion detector camera i think like hunters mainly use them but they use it to take pictures of their bird bath and bird feeder sure so yeah find out if squirrels are getting in there leaving dungeons and dragons books It was big news when they found a woodchuck had been in their garden. Oh yeah, no, I remember. I saw that headline.

All right, so then the final thing that you sent in, or one of the final things you sent in is this picture of a recycling bin with a warning on it. It's more of a plea. Right, and this is not... A warning or a plea is written on this

recycling bin. This is not your recycling... This is not your recycling bin. Right, we just found it in the neighborhood. This is a neighbor's recycling bin that you took back into your house to photograph and then left somewhere else. No. We got a Dungeons and somewhere else. No, we just walked by it.

And it says, and it has your, it has your neighbor's address, which is now online at maximum fund.org. That's nice of you. Please don't steal this tub. I don't mind the $7, but I don't have a car and I'd like to skip the walk to get a new one.

Thanks. Did you, do you know this neighbor? No. So you, do you, you don't know if this plea fell on deaf or hearing ears? Well,

the bin was outside the address that was written on it and the bins now cost $10. And I'm, as far as I know, they've costed, bins now cost $10. And I'm, as far as I know, they've costed, they have cost $10 for a few years now. So that goes to show that the message is one theory or one strategy that worked for that person writing the message on their bin.

And is that a message that you would like to try Rachel? I would try that. So if you're going to take a picture of this person and find out who he or she, or they are, if it may be multiple offenders, Elliot, and your only plan is to give them a nasty look. What's the point of taking the picture in the first place? Well. Yeah, that's a good question. I don't i'm just really curious the whole the situation has been

going on for so long and it's just so bizarre to me i don't understand the type of person who steals a bin which is not a good thing to do something like recycle which is a pretty good thing i i don't understand that and it it's just weird and i want to i want to see who it is just really to satisfy my curiosity and and give them a dirty look i guess guess. Rachel. And I think, okay, well, I, and I think that there might be measures like once I know who it is, I, I think I could maybe come up with a strategy to get them to stop. Possibly. But such what information other than their identity would you get that would

allow you to formulate it like if it's a if it's a big dangerous looking human your strategy might be just like well let him have it but but if it's some skinny if it's some skinny ad and d kid that's advanced dungeons and dragons not not not add you understand or Or even some skinny ADD kid, then you feel like, oh, I can bully him. I can't explain the just, it's been so long and I just want to satisfy my curiosity. Rachel, aren't you curious to know who's out there?

I'm certainly curious. And it's not, even though I think the camera is slightly creepy, it's not so much that that I'm opposed to. It's just Elliot's lack of a plan for the information. You'd like the camera to be attached to like a dart gun or something. Right, exactly. And it would go off automatically. Sure.

Okay. Yeah. You wouldn't want to kill. I mean, look, I don't want to say that you would want to kill them. You would probably just want to knock them out and tag their ears. Right. I am a high school teacher, so I would like that opportunity for confrontation, direct confrontation. No. Can I share a short anecdote about another example of Elliot's vigilante justice gone wrong? Yes, please. Before we moved into this apartment, this past September, we lived across town. There was a condo being constructed in front of our building and that involved, what are they called? Jersey barriers?

Yeah. or what is it? Quarter pipe. Sorry. Quarter pipe. A skateboard ramp. Skateboard ramp out of one of them. And so that involves the noise of skateboarding right outside our window at all hours of the night for a week or so as we were trying to move out. And so we were getting frustrated with it, both of us. And then one night I woke up because Elliot had come back into the room. It was probably two in the morning, three in the morning. It was the night that we were moving out of the apartment building. So we had been packing all day. And he came into the room.

I hadn't realized he was gone sweaty and triumphant. And what he had done was he had gone down. I don't know. Sweaty and triumphant does not bode well. So he had brought down some kind of adhesive, I guess. I don't know the exact details. Yeah. And glued pebbles and dirt all over the half pipe.

What? Ostensibly to ruin the experience of the skateboarder. I don't really know. Do you want to explain yourself? What? I can't begin to imagine the amount of time it would have taken to super glue individual pebbles to a half pipe such that it would make a difference. What is,

what did you do? Oh yeah. That's not exactly what I did. What exactly did you do okay yeah that's not exactly what i did what exactly did you do i um i took glue out to the quarter pipe and uh just squirted it all over the ramp. This glue was covering the ramp. And then I found gravel and sand and kind of poured it on top of the glue and made sure some pebbles and stuff stuck. When you say you found gravel and sand,

you mean you found it at Home Depot? And then mixed in some broken glass from your recycling bin to try to hurt some children who were making noise outside your window? No. No, it's part of a construction site, so there is gravel and dirt everywhere. Oh, okay. They had swept it to the side in order to skateboard, and I just grabbed a handful of it

first of all let me understand this you didn't like the noise that was coming because they were skating all hours of the night yeah Rachel mentioned that I came in at 2am that was because they had woken me up at that time was this an illegal quarter pipe

yeah it was in the street. It was on that. There is no. There is no. It wasn't a skate park. It wasn't a legally sanctioned Portland skate park. There was a it was a homemade quarter pipe that they had built themselves.

It was right in the road. It was they didn't even have the decency to put it in their home. No. Like in order to use it in their home? No. In order to use it, you needed to block traffic. What's the traffic like at 2 a.m. in Portland, Maine? It's light. But they used it during the day, too.

And people would have to drive around these hoodlums? Yeah, or just wait until they got out of the way and uh uh sort of like wayne and garth and wayne's world yeah yeah came on that is disgusting so did you uh i know kids kids playing in the street it's terrible and it and and these ruffians i presume they had all their fun ruined by you was Was your plan effective? Or did you, oh, you left the next, you left that day, you never know. Well, my point was that it was not effective at all because either all the gravel fell off by itself

or it was very easily scraped off because the next day it was totally fresh and clean again. Yeah, I needed a stronger adhesive as it turned out. All right. Or perhaps a more appropriate adhesive, something designed, you know, wood glue only sticks to wood, you know, you probably needed some quarter pipe rock adhesive. You know, Jesse Thorne not only hosts this podcast and the award-winning NPR radio show Bullseye and also the menswear podcast Put This On, but he's got the best adhesive-themed podcast on fake radio these days. What's it called again, Jesse, your glue and adhesive-themed podcast? Stick'em.

Stick to it. Stick it to him. Stick it, sure. Stick it to him. Yeah. Okay, great. Stick it to them. Stick it, sure. Stick it to them. Yeah. Okay, great. Stick it to them. Well, you didn't stick it to them, Elliot,

and I find Rachel's evidence of your lack of planning, even when it is malicious and perhaps injury causing to be fair warning, as I consider your plan to monitor your neighbor's behavior. Rachel, if, if, if Elliot had a plan for what to do with the information as to who was stealing the bin when he got it, would you feel better? I would feel better. Yes. So what would be an acceptable plan? Let's say you are able to, let's say I do allow this scheme and he does put in the wildlife GoPro in his friend's window and he does review the footage and he does find out who's doing it. What would you have him do with that information that would be acceptable to you? You know, it's hard to say because I think that no matter, well, I just, I can't really fathom how you would explain to somebody that you knew that they were taking their recycling bin without

revealing that you'd caught them on camera. But I suppose a note, maybe you find out where they live. I don't think if you confronted someone about the recycling bin, the first thing they would think is that I hid a camera in an apartment. I don't think that they would assume that. They would presume that you saw through third eye vision. Yeah. I forgot to ask you, Elliot, what you do in Portland, Maine. You're a remote viewer, right?

What is your profession, if you have one? Yeah. I'm a production manager for a small manufacturer. We make composting toilets for boats. Oh, cool. Excellent. That gives me some ideas of revenge you can take and uh and rachel what do you do up there in portland maine i am a spanish teacher a high school spanish teacher

okay i think i've heard everything i need in order to form my decision i am i am going to go into either my chambers or any of the chambers on my block because all of this property is communal. And I'll sit there and come to my decision. I'll be right back to give it to you in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Rachel, how are you feeling about your chances in the case? I'm feeling okay. Yeah, I'm feeling like the point has been made that Elliot needs to have a plan. I feel pretty good about my side. Do you think that by crushing Elliot's dreams, you're just consigning yourself

to a life of intermittent recycling bin theft? That could be so, but I feel like there are some measures we could take to prevent that that don't involve spying on all of the neighbors is it possible that you're gonna find yourself uh with a with a recycling bin filled with ever nerdier miscellany like warhammer figurines model paints robert jordan books ham radio equipment Model paints. Robert Jordan books. Ham radio equipment. Triangulation devices.

Elliot, how do you feel about your chances? Well, I think I misjudged how cool the plan was. I think I... how cool the plan was. I think I... The burning equipment is automatically cool. I had to come out of my chambers to laugh at that beautifully weird line. Well, I only got as far as filming

and giving the dirty look, and that really has been enough for me and sustained my excitement about it. But it seems like I should have come up with more. How would you characterize your dirty look? Like when you're mad dogging, when you're giving somebody a stink face, tell me a little bit about what that person will see. Narrow eyes? Well, they, narrowed eyes, furrowed brow, definitely. Maybe a crinkled up nose. Are you a naturally, you sound naturally physically intimidating.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm intimidating to a narrow, narrow subset. Maybe a Dungeons and Dragons player would be intimidated by me. You're intimidating to people who've tried to solve a Rubik's Cube faster than you have. Exactly. Well, Elliot, Rachel, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all of this when we come back in just a minute. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

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Cookware.com. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom. I misjudged how cool the plan was. It was a cool plan. It's less cool than he'd hoped. Getting a, getting a creepy surveillance camera and putting it in my downstairs neighbor's window to catch the guy or woman or people who may or may not be stealing my recycling bin that's you know what you're right i apologize that's the coolest heist

i've ever heard of that's really gonna bowl him over at uncle khan i mean i i hope i hope you haven't sold i hope you haven't sold the movie rights to this plan, because this is crazy. Ocean's 14. Yeah, exactly. I have the perfect plan. And then when I have that information, I don't know what I'm going to do. No, it's not a cool plan. No, it's not a cool plan.

Let's acknowledge that it's not a cool plan, especially since, as Jesse pointed out, you're borrowing the camera to the moment you buy a camera to spy on your neighbors uh you know like that's that speaks to a moment where you you you reach that weird dad phase where you have a lot of time on your hands and your misanthropy and distrust of others is, is growing at a disproportionate rate and you, and you're ready to to watch the world angrily through a camera rather than engage with people in, in, in, in real life. That's a, that's, I'm not saying this with any value judgment. I'm just saying, what is your age Elliot?

28. Yeah. You're a little young, a little young to be started to be doing some paranoid camera activity in your, in your house or in your neighbor's house, as it were. that Rachel is right, that a note of some kind on your bin will likely have an ameliorative effect. That means make it better and would probably be a good first step in terms of stopping this inconvenience, which is literally all that it is,

an inconvenience. But I actually take that back because it is not just an inconvenience. It is a weird inconvenience. It's a strange inconvenience. It reminds me of the time when people are messing with stuff that you leave outside and imposing their lives in trackable ways onto things that you trust to the outside world, such as the time when I had parked my car in a place where I could see it on the streets of New York City from my office window, and I watched a guy walk up to it casually,

open the trunk of the car as though he had a key to it. He had some kind of skeleton key, and put a weird plastic shopping bag that I later found out was full of rusted tools into the trunk of my car and walked away. What? Yeah. was full of rusted tools into the trunk of my car and walked away what yeah and this was on the human plane not the spectral plane yeah this is in real life it was in real life and i didn't need a weird dad gopro to see it because i was just watching it happen in real time and you know imagine it you

know that was weird enough to see and and completely uncanny and unexplainable. And I never did find out why he did it. I just went out there and opened the trunk and found this plastic shopping bag full of rusted tools and put them on the street and moved my car. But it would have been even more mysterious and strange if one day, the next day I went and I got my car and decided to put something in the trunk and found a completely inexplicable bag of mystery tools that had emerged in my lock trunk, like a ghost appearing out of nowhere. And I would have wanted to know how did it get there? And so I say this there are two goals you are working on opposite goals not opposite i should say but two different goals rachel you just want this to stop

elliot you want to know what's happening and those are those are goals that dovetail to a certain degree because if you know what's happening you might be able to form a strategy for stopping it uh but the truth is uh you are less interested in wanting it to stop than you are finding out who's doing it and getting a picture of this weird soul who is leaving dungeons and dragons books and moving on with his or her life and stealing your stuff. And, you know, for the most part, I would say Rachel's position of just simply attaching a note or, you know, painting a note or somehow entering a plea to the world, don't steal our stuff, think about it, is really the proper first step. The problem is that you brought this case to my court,

and now I want to know too. I want the solution to this mystery. Even though I appreciate that the solution to the mystery might be as mysterious as the mystery itself. For example, I still don't know, even though I watched the man put the tools in my trunk, I still don't know what he was doing or what particular crime of murder or thievery he had used those tools for and had to

get rid of them even so i'm glad that i saw that happen and uh and so i want i too want to know who in portland maine is stealing your recycling bin and uh and so i'm sorry rachel i i have to even though the plan is not cool and maybe creepy i do think it's legal i'd double check that if i were you but uh i absolutely order uh the plaintiff to install a camera in his downstairs neighbor's window and to, and to, and to, and to take some surveillance and do a virtual stakeout. And also to, if he discovers if photographs or footage of the, of the culprit to they have to be made available on maximum fund.org and the

judge, John Hodgman site. So we can all take a look. I love this a lot. I can't wait to start featuring the, if we could do it as a live webcam, I wouldn't even mind it. Then it could be an ongoing feature on the Judge John Hodgman site, the Portland, Maine garbage cam.

And we'll all get to the bottom of this together so i therefore and i also suggest that you might want to investigate they have all kinds of um tracking devices that you can buy uh at uh you know little little things you stick on to uh your computers and your and your keys you tag them onto your keys there are many many different brands of bluetooth and or wi-fi tracking devices the best brand is batman brand batman batman brand yeah yeah totally noted yeah i mean i i that batman brand is obviously the best brand as far as what adhesive you would use to stick it to your recycling container i leave that to the host of the podcast to find out about that am i right your recycling container i leave that to the host of

podcast to find out about that am i right guys yeah i'd leave that to the host of stick it to but that guy sounds like an expert without it without without naming a particular brand there there i just did a search and there are a whole bunch of them and they're very some of them are very discreet and you just stick them to something and then you can even double your surveillance capabilities and you will get to the bottom of this very, very carefully. And my guess is that when you find out who's doing it, it will be someone who you will not want to confront or yell at. the act and know who it is, my suggestion to you would be simply collect that intelligence and sit on it for the time being and then include a note saying, we know that you are taking this and we really ask you not to do it. And also, we know what you look like and where you live.

This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Rachel, how do you feel right now? You know, I feel a little disappointed, but I can say that I'm not curious to watch this video video footage. So that's mitigating my disappointment a little bit. this video footage. So that's mitigating my disappointment a little bit.

Elliot, are you already working on your blueprint for perhaps a cooler response when you capture this criminal? The judge told me to bide my time and not confront them. So maybe I'll work on a cool note to put on the recycling bin once we do capture them. I mean, once your time has been bided, you know, that'll give you an opportunity to build up the gumption you need to respond appropriately. Obviously, you can bring that back to the judge as necessary. But I would recommend contacting a muscle man such as Mr. T. Ooh. Yeah, if he's available, I'll certainly do that. Well, I'm not his agent.

You're going to have to talk to his representatives. I'm not his legal representative. I do have power of attorney over Mr. T. I should explain that that's exclusively related to things like hospital stays and so on and so forth. Well, Elliot, Rachel, thank you so much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself.

A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Judge Sean Hodgman, take a look at this. Oh, I wasn't stealing your trash bin. I was just, I just, I just dropped something in it and I needed to get it back I was just going to show you this cool picture of a squirrel that my

automatic bird feeder camera took I I have a property in Maine as of last year. And lots of our neighbors have those motion activated cameras that keep an eye

on their property. Even if they're full-time residents to see what kind of, they're curious to see what kind of weird animals are wandering through their, their yards. And then the guy who was cutting down trees on our property, Toby, uh, actually,

uh, recovered a bunch of stolen, uh, tools and equipment because he had that were stolen out of his shed because they had a picture of the guy doing it. So I'm all, I'm all for, I'm all for the surveillance. I'm all for surveillance when it's citizen to citizen. Got it.

Maybe we should get like a Rand Paul on the show to give us a few guidelines on what is and isn't appropriate surveillance. Yeah, that's a great idea. Let's get presidential candidate Rand Paul on the show. If any of you guys are out there and you have presidential candidate Rand Paul's phone number, give him a call on our behalf. Don't give him the phone number. Don't give us the phone number. Give him a call on our behalf.

Let him know we're interested in talking about surveillance, but specifically surveillance of recycling bins. We don't want to get involved in a whole bunch of other baloney. You know what I mean? Honestly, I would have any presidential candidate on as a guest bailiff or expert witness. And even Carly Fiorina. The former Hewlett Packard executive? Yeah, she just announced that she's running and not planning to win the presidency. that she's running and not planning to win the presidency.

She just wants to bring up a few ink cartridge related issues. Yeah, she wants to move the discussion. Judge Hodgman, are you live on tour across this great nation? I will be traveling in specific parts of the country, specifically Los Angeles on June 11th. At Largo at the Coronet, there will be a meeting of a secret society. That's all I can say about that. You can find out the rest yourself.

Then in June 22nd, I will be arriving for the very first time in any part of West Virginia, specifically Charleston, West Virginia, its capital, to perform as part of the big arts festival that's happening that weekend, the Festivall. It's actually longer than the weekend. You can get tickets for that by going to FestivallCharleston.com. That's Festival with an L, Charleston, as in Charleston.com.

And then June 27th, I will be manning the comedy stage at Wilco's Solid Sound Festival in North Adams, Massachusetts, along with Paul F. Tompkins, Tig Notaro, Jessica Williams, and the gentlemen of the Super Ego podcast, including our editor, Mark McConville, and our former editor, Matt Gourley. And, of course, Jeremy Carter rounds out the group with Paul F. Tompkins. That's a Super Ego podcast. It's going to be a lot of fun. And then I go away for a couple of months into New England, where I'm going to be spying on people with my remote cameras. And then I come back to Boston, Massachusetts,

the Wilbur Theater, where I've had so many fun times before to present my all-new comedy show, Vacationland. It will be my only appearance in New England. So if you're in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, Rhode Island, or Maine, you will please want to come down to the Wilbur. Tickets are on sale now at the Wilbur, and you can get all the information about these

appearances at johnhodgman.com slash tour. I have some really great episodes of my NPR show, Bullseye, with Jesse Thorne. This week, you have Vince Staples, the great young rapper from Long Beach, California. It's a really amazing conversation. He's a really fascinating guy. Whether or not you care at all about his music, he's an exceptionally fascinating guy with a really open-hearted, shockingly open-hearted approach to talking about his background. a shockingly open-hearted approach to talking about his background. And next week on Bullseye with Jesse Thorne,

Corin Tucker of the rock and roll band Slater Kinney. Slater Kinney. Well-known rock and roll band from the Pacific Northwest, Corin Tucker, such an awesome lady. And I found out a Bullseye with Jesse Thorne fan, by the way. Oh, how about that? Yeah, she told me she and her husband, the director Lance Bangs, like to listen to Bullseye with Jesse Thorne when they're driving their kids to school. Well, it's a good thing to listen to because, Jesse, you are one of the best interviewers in the business of interviewing. And you have an amazing taste and your guests are always interesting, even when I haven't heard of them,

and sometimes especially when I haven't heard of them, like this Vince Staples character. You know, I'm a big fan of the rapper Dan Office Depot. True. His hated rival. Yeah, but I'll give Staples a listen. So listen to those. I'm sure you have a podcast player open in your pocket right now or something like that. Go subscribe to Bullseye with Jesse Thorne. Check it out. I think you'll like it. I'm sure you have a podcast player open in your pocket right now or something like that.

Go subscribe to Bullseye with Jesse Thorne. Check it out. I think you'll like it. I agree. This week's episode was named by Sandra Mackey. Thank you, Sandra Mackey. Possibly Sandra Mocky. Okay.

Could be Sandra McKay. One way or another, thank you to her or him, whatever the name may be. Maybe it's a really weird spelling of Nellie McKay. Yeah. Thanks. Our thanks to songstress Nellie McKay. If you would like to name a future episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, follow us on Twitter.

I'm at Jesse Thorne and John is at Hodgman. And most importantly, like us on Facebook. Just search for Judge John Hodgman. There's also a Judge John Hodgman Facebook group and a MaximumFun.org Facebook group where there is lots of fun discussion of the show every week. You can also talk about the show on Reddit at MaximumFun.Reddit.com, where there's always tons of Judge John Hodgman chat. Me and Julia get in there pretty regularly. And you can talk about it on Twitter, hashtag it, hashtag JJHO. Both John and I love to read your feedback there. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. MaximumFun.org slash JJHO.

There is a form there by which you can submit your case. No case too big or small. Judge John Hodgman considers them all. That's all for this week. Right? I do consider them all. It's almost all things considered up in here. That's all there is this week on Judge John Hodgman.

We'll talk to you next week on Stick It To Him. Thank you. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.