Judge John Hodgman - Rewind is a Sometimes Command

Episode Date: September 30, 2015

Judge Hodgman and Guest Bailiff Paul F. Tompkins clear out the docket!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm your guest bailiff, Paul F. Tompkins, and today we're clearing out the docket. Clearing out the docket. Are you ready for your first letter, Judge Hodgman? No, I am not ready, Paul, because I want to say hello to you, my friend, Paul F. Tompkins. Thank you for joining once again as guest bailiff on this program. Oh, hello. You know, after last week, I had a lot of time to think about whether or not I wanted

to return to the program. Sure. I talked it over with my wife, with my pastor, with my lawyer, with the town elders, and of course, the Magic 8-Ball. And now I'm back once again for more of whatever this is. Outcome is unclear. Reply hazy. Try again later. What does later mean to the magic eight ball he's busy right now is it a second later or is it days later i think uh at that point anything is later he's just put it off once again i'm referring to the genie of the magic

eight ball and because i'm a chauvinist i'm presuming it is a he i apologize uh paul for those who did not listen last week and also to maintain the timeless quality of this podcast which avoids too many callbacks oh no that's wrong it's only callbacks uh will you uh will you allow me to remind everyone that Paul is a comedian, actor, podcaster, and broadcaster extraordinaire, host of the Spontanea Nation podcast, which is an amazing comedy podcast that Paul F. Tompkins hosts, as I just said. And it has a monthly live show component as well at Largo at the Coronet. It has a monthly live show component as well at Largo at the Coronet. Once every month, you've seen them all over television and your famous Paul Thomas Anderson movies. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul F. Tompkins.

Hi, everyone who can't respond. Hold for a plus. Please take your seats. That's my line. But we can all sit down now because here we are in Chambers where we are going to clear the docket paul i know that you you've listened to the podcast from time to time but i will explain it to you that way the people who don't know what i'm talking about i don't have to single them out

and make them feel dumb they can hear it and say oh uh normally we have people uh call in uh flawlessly over the internet to discuss their disputes in their lives, and I tell them who's right and who's wrong. Sometimes it's just me and regular bailiff Jesse Thorne or guest bailiff like yourself sitting here in my incredibly comfortable virtual chambers discussing quite a few cases that we can sort of solve without having to talk to other people. So does that sound all right to you, Paul? Yeah.

Look, John, if we can eliminate people from this equation, meaning Earth, altogether, I'm happy. Well, podcasts are a good step. John, are you ready for this first letter? Now I finally am. Emily writes, You've previously made a ruling on voicemail etiquette between siblings. The brother, in that case, would never leave a voicemail message when he called. I have the opposite problem with my older sister.

She will always leave a message, usually something like, Hey, it's me. Call me back with no further information. I love an opposite problem. Oh, it's fun, right? It's great, it's an op prob, it gives me something to build on. I'm not starting out fresh.

Yeah, it's like you're on Bizarro World. To me, this is just a waste of time. Since I know her and love her dearly, of course I will call her back when I see that I've missed a call from her, no matter what the circumstance. I would even call back sooner if I didn't have to listen to and erase her message.

I have explained this to her hundreds of times. She thinks that I will forget to call her back unless the message is left, although I cannot think of one instance where this has happened. Please help me escape the annoying voicemail lady once and for all!

And how many exclamation points? Three. Three at the end. I hope you don't mind my throwing a little sauce on it. No, no, I enjoy it very much indeed. It was a very dramatic letter. It was an incredible imitation of Emily. Paul, before I give you my opinion,

let me just acknowledge that you and I are friends and we communicate with some frequency usually via text message full disclosure yes because we both agree that talking on the phone is dumb and terrible for this part right yes so and john may i say there was a time when i used to love talking on the phone but as as cellular technology uh apace, it seems to get worse and worse. Or maybe it's just that the other means of communication are so convenient. You can get out very quick information that doesn't require a whole conversation. We've become so dependent on that.

But I remember I used to really love talking on the phone. I remember I used to really love talking on the phone, but I think that cellular technology is such that it's never quite the same as it used to be in the old land the phone let's say uh while driving in a car at fast speed with young children in the car who rely on you to be alert to keep them alive yes that is convenient yes it is not it is not in any way replicate both the clarity and frankly pleasure of a landline conversation of your yeah when you are talking to a bud over copper wire, and it was, I mean, the only thing that would rival that for pure pleasure and communicative efficiency would be talking over a chat program on the internet.

That's the only thing. Let's say Skype, for example. Yes. Right. Anyway, yes, so we don't really talk on the phone that much and voicemail itself has uh become something of a vestigial object these days how do you feel about this case before i weigh in with my dumb thoughts i will say that the message that says, hey, give me a call with no information is maybe the thing I hate on earth the most. I cannot stand when people do that.

And especially when someone in my family, one of my sisters does it. And, of course, my first thought is someone has died. That's why they didn't leave. That's why there was no information. Someone is dead. And you can't leave. That's why there was no information. Someone is dead and you can't leave that in a voicemail. And I hate it. I really hate it.

There's a friend of ours, a mutual friend of ours, John, whose name I will not say on the air, and maybe he knows who he is if he's listening to this, who is notorious for doing that. Hey, it's me. Give me a call.

Why don't you tell me what it's about? Just say that. You're're you're two-thirds of the way there if you're going to commit to leaving a voice message just also say i want to talk to you about this thing that apparently requires a conversation now that said paul and that and having established that you and i both do not love to talk on the phone via cell uh how did you feel about the fact that i was on the road with my vacation land tour and bored and not and had no one else in the car so only my own life at stake and i used my hands-free system within the car to call and leave you an extremely long voicemail message

full of information that was not meaningful to you at all john apparently that was not just hands-free but also microphone free because i could barely make out what you were saying is that so yes it sounded like you were calling from the international space station well it was the connection was so bad that i did not bother calling back i'm like no i'm just not gonna i'm not gonna deal with this in real time um it was a terrible terrible connection so does that mean you don't know that that person we both know has died oh no that must have been a dropout that's not true that's not true no i was just calling i was just calling to lard up your uh your uh your your cell phone's memory with some

well wishes and hellos and musings of my own i do not mind that i do not mind that at all because i was i was in my car as well and i listened to that while i was driving and uh even though despite the terrible connection i could make out what you were saying and uh it helped uh pass the time a little bit in a not unpleasant way well i just i just listened to spontaneous nation and i needed to tell you how much i enjoyed it but so here's what i'm saying paul your assessment of the situation is is mostly right insofar as it confirms with my own opinion uh the voicemail uh for purposes of leaving a a long meandering message to which you, you require no response.

That's okay. If you require a response and you should write an email or a text message, but if it's just like, Hey, I was just thinking of you and I wanted to say to you with my voice, I enjoy your podcast, Fontania nation or something else. I think that that's a,

I enjoy getting those voicemails and that's sure. That's a piece of content that is being given to me for free and there's nothing expected of me for listening, having listened to it. But as a means of communication that, uh, or initiating communication or contact voicemail is profoundly vestigial. Now I am not necessary anymore. I would say that calling, I didn't, it didn't occur to me until you said it, Paul, and so I am enlightened in this way,

that you're right. If someone says, hi, it's me, call me back. To me, that's the end. It never occurred to me to think that someone had died. But it's true that that could cause a lot of anxiety. To me, the equal anxiety would be conjured by a voicemail where no message is left do you know what i mean where someone tries to reach you doesn't reach you there's no message

now it's like what's going on what why do you need to reach me all options facing uh emily and her sister are bad because a blank voicemail message is anxiety producing. Hey, it's me, call me back, I now understand, is equally anxiety producing, never mind time consuming. And so the only acceptable option, I would say, if Emily's sister persists in calling and leaving a message is to leave an incredibly brief message that indicates, a verbal emoji if it will, a signal that Emily should call her back. And that should just be ping. And that's it. Do you know what I, I,

I sort of remember from the early days of answering machines is you would always, always, always state your business at some point, even it was hey i was just calling to say hi right does that ring a bell like i feel like you you had it was sort of the part of the compact of of of of leaving messages was that you had to give a reason you couldn't just say call me back and i wonder if it's because communication is so immediate now that we kind of get it in our brains. Oh, I know you have a phone on you, so you're going to listen to this right away and you're going to call me back right away. Whereas it used to be in the days of the answering machine, the answering machine was there because the person was out and about unreachable by telephone. So you felt compelled to fill them in when they got back to their answering machine.

Here's why I am calling. And I feel like the way it should be now is, it's not that if you're already on the line saying, hey, it's me, you might as well say, call me back about this specific thing or give me a call. There's something I want to talk to you about or whatever. But just the, Hey, call me back. I feel is it's, it's to me.

And I don't know if I, if I am justified in saying this, it feels rude. It feels like it's very, it's very presumptuous, you know? Yes. Right.

Well, I mean that because, because the technology is now so immediate, there is usually an expectation. I mean that if someone calls and says call me back it feels as though they're asking you to call them back right away it might as well be hey it's me call me back i command you you know now that we are all for the most part in western civilization reachable by phone uh and by email and by text simultaneously and immediately. It produces a lot of anxiety because we forget that just because some rando who has our number or our address had it in a mind to press a button once, now we feel compelled to jump at their command.

to jump at their command. But just because some random person has the idea to get in contact with you doesn't mean that you have to be in contact with them at a time that is not of your choosing. We used to take that for granted. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Absolutely. Like I will,

I will, who knows how long I'm going to be at the store. You know, I will call you back when, when the time is right. Yeah. And that's the thing. I feel like I struggle with that,

that I have to remind myself, Oh, I don't have to, I don't have to respond to this immediately. I can I can do the thing that I'm currently doing. And then when I'm done doing that, I can respond to this person. I think that Emily's sister should stop calling. I think Emily's sister should do the very least, if she wants to reach Emily by phone, as I say, and she gets that voicemail, I don't think she should leave a blank voicemail. I think she should leave a verbal ping,

which they know between the means. I'm just calling to say hello. Give me a call when you can. That wastes less time and will also alert to Emily that there's nothing more meaningful or serious going on. In this case, ping is a code for a prearranged bit of business that Emily's sister is stating. Does that make sense? It does, but it does not help Emily escape, as she calls her, the annoying voicemail lady.

And I don't know if she's referring to the pre-recorded message or or emily or her own sister right what i would encourage is emily's sister to stop calling i mean truly emily i would encourage if it is professionally a possibility for her should leave an outgoing message saying hi this is emily if you are my sister don't leave me a voicemail. I'm not going to listen to it. Text me. And then they can arrange a phone date via text, which I think is a little bit more convenient. We covered that one. We talked about old time technology.

It was good. It was like a trip down memory lane, John. Yeah, remember when there were lanes? Now it's all avenues and boulevards let's go cyber highways cyber highways paving the cyber highway of the future a thing that was a very compelling thing to say in 1999 john are you ready for the second letter i am am prepared. Mark, with a C, writes... I live in a...

Thumbs down. I live in a house with two other people. Last year, a new roommate moved in. We have traditionally split the cost of internet between all roommates equally at $20 each. Our new roommate said that she doesn't use internet at all, which was fine. We left her out and split the cost equally between the two remaining persons. Flash forward. And the non-paying roommate.

Wait a minute, what's the spontaneanation? What's the spontaneanation sound effect for flash forward? Do, do, do, do, do, do. And the non-paying roommate is seemingly addicted to watching a streaming service through my own personal account on my gaming system using Wi-Fi that she doesn't contribute towards. I try to let this go, but my cue gets clogged up by her taste in TV and movies.

Do I have proper authority to address this issue? And more importantly, is it worth the hassle to do so? Or should I continue to let myself be taken advantage of? Well, what a non passively aggressively framed question. Yeah, this Mark, I wonder how I wonder if he's really interested in both sides of the story. I might just feel that he might be genuinely lacking in self-esteem such that he is wondering whether he should continue to let himself be taken advantage of because he poses the question do i have proper authority to address the issue i can't imagine someone asking this question unless they are from canada that's a crazy thing to ask

mark with a c it's your house you predate this person in the house yeah you are you are the senior roommate that's right or at least part of the the tribunal of three senior roommates that's right and this person is defrauding you yeah whether or not she knowingly came in saying i'm gonna trick these guys into letting me use their Netflix for free. Also, the bold and bald-faced lie. Oh, yeah, you know what? I don't use the internet. This person moved in last year.

Yeah, I don't use it. I don't use it. I get why people do. I just don't use it. To be fair, they live in lancaster county pennsylvania and this is one of those amish roommate situations oh maybe she's on rumspringa maybe she's on rumspringa and maybe she was like i'm gonna try this out i'll probably not use the internet or any buttons too proud uh but uh but then she got into it now she's going down now she's going down a netflix k-hole that's right like i did at

your house when i watched all of daredevil five times because i kept falling asleep that's the middle of the night and what happened and this is the other i mean yeah not only is it the bald face live using the internet but it's also gross, gross offense of using someone else's Netflix, Hulu, whatever streaming account. Yeah. And messing up all their cues, messing up all their prefs, messing up the algorithm. the streaming services suggesting dumb stuff for them based on what another person likes and messing up their process or their, their, yeah,

their progress. I should say, I'll just say like a Canadian because I'm obviously talking to one Mark, but messing up their progress through certain shows. It's just, it's just a terrible breach of, of an etiquette that clearly or an etiquette, as we used to say in 1999,

but clearly this new roommate has yet to understand yeah and the sure so to answer your question of course you have the authority to call a person a deadbeat and insist that they carry their weight in this domestic relationship if she just said you know what i'm no longer using the lights anymore and then you would see light coming out of her door every night you wouldn't just say what can i do i guess i'll write into a podcast you would say i can see you you have to start paying part of the electric bill if you want to continue to use this service and please

establish your own streaming media account yes there we go we solved it absolutely let's flash forward good luck in Canada you guys let's flash forward to the next letter oh oh spontaneous nation sound

effect we flash forward to that period in the far future where we all talk like this. That's right. Future talk. Future accent. Future. John. What?

Chris writes, my husband Richard, who has 20-20 vision, likes to collect and wear eyeglasses. He has at least 15 pairs. He considers them his personal accessory of choice. His PAC. That's my words, not Chris. Does he ever have a super pack? A super personal accessory of choice? That's right.

A gigantic pair of glasses. I need to wear glasses to see and have since childhood and find his attitude to be ridiculous. I also detect a gleeful button pushing find his attitude to be ridiculous. I also detected lethal button pushing to his eyeglass acquisition. I recently discovered that the most expensive pair he bought cost $450. As someone who actually needs them, I have never spent more than $250 on a pair. Judge Hodgman. That's beyond button pushing all right go on oh yes indeed judge

hodgman we have other expenses to worry about like moving cross-country i ask that you ban richard from buying these pretend glasses in future okay first of all let me just say that that is not button pushing spending secretly spending 200 extra on a thing that you don't need yeah is pilfering your familial bank account and is thieving basically this reminds me of uh the fight that my wife and i had over my wheelchair collection well paul Well, Paul, I was going to say you are perfect for this case because you are an eyeglasses wearer and a very fine and often ambitious dresser. What does that mean? Well, that sort of sounds like you're trying to tell me something. No, it does sound a little weird.

You do. You're not an ambitious dresser. You do always manage to get dressed. It's not like you're. I achieve my goals. Yeah, it does sound a little weird. You're not an ambitious dresser. You do always manage to get dressed. I achieve my goals. Yeah, you achieve your goals. But you are, I don't know, fashion forward? I mean, look, you came to, when we went on the Jonathan Colton cruise together one year,

you came to formal dinner wearing basically a Dracula metal. Do you remember this, Paul? Yes, of course I do. Like a big red ribbon with a metal. It was a green ribbon. Excuse me. With a silver metal. And I was wearing a white tie and tails, John.

Of course I had to accessorize that way. And do you know what, Paul? You looked spectacular. You love men's fashion and um and and you are a performer and sometimes sometimes uh particularly on stage you'll you'll go big yes and you will not go home no right for i will do one then the other right and for that reason uh you know because this guy is accessorizing in a, in a, in a loaded kind of way. He's wearing glasses that he doesn't need.

And so that made you perfect for this, but I had forgotten about your collection of wheelchairs that you do not need because you are a fully able Walker, but they're beautiful wheelchairs, John. Okay. So I think I gather from your joke, how you feel about this guy's collection before i add in my two cents

which are worth exactly one cent on the current exchange rate what what do you say about husband richard well i i think that wearing eyeglasses that you don't need uh as someone who needs to wear eyeglasses, I don't know why anyone would want to do that. Because a lot of times I want to rip my glasses off my face because I'm tired of them being there. And it's true that we lack Richard's voice. We lack the why from Richard in this. And I was very close to having this be a live case where we would actually have them call in

until I read on in the complaint and realized that I probably could not tolerate to listen to this guy talk for five minutes. Do I betray? Do I betray too much my opinion on this situation? That's not for me to say, Judge. So do you have anything you want to add more before I weigh in? Yeah, I think that the I would be I find the expense galling as well. Like it's bad. I think it's bad enough that you're doing this in the first place, but then that you're spending so much money on it. on it um when you when you share presumably share expenses with your with your spouse um i i think that that's um that's a that's that's a real indulgence that's a that's a very i i find that

to be a very selfish indulgence now they could be fantastic multi-billionaires where money is not an object and it's just the it's just the uh the the principle of the thing but then it just comes down to the principle of the thing yes and from my just comes down to the principle of the thing. Yes. And from my point of view, the principle of the thing is this. Paul F. Tompkins, you always look great, whether you're dressing casual, whether you're dressing up, or whether you're dressing up, up, like wearing a full Scottish kilt and tartan situation for a performance. situation for a performance you understand i i believe that there is um a difference between a kind of performative aspect of fashion where you're just going to push it a little bit do you know what i mean or try something that is a little weird or out of date try up something new like

that's a uh that's a performative aspect. We all, when we dress up, are dressing up as characters to some degree, dressing up as the people we want to be in life. And sometimes that fashion performance becomes a little bit more baroque, whether you are on stage or off. But then there is also an aspect of fashion where performative gives way to simply bogus

where you are you are wearing uh something that is simply feel safe to say let's say a uh a college uh a caucasian american college student from nantucket uh wearing clothes that are typically associated with hip-hop bogus i would say that's a little bit bogus. Do you disagree, Paul? No, I do not disagree. I understand exactly what you're saying.

And I would say walking around with a kilt, for example, when you're not performing and thrilling adventure hour, or you have no Scottish heritage, or you are not a cosplayer by, by passion, you're not a Highland wedding. Yeah,

exactly. There's a, it's a little bit, it's a little bit it's a little bit bogus and i think obviously uh literally on semi literally on its face glasses that you do not need are bogus they're you're tricking someone in the world most of all yourself that this is a good idea so richard I'm sure you're very angry at me now if you're listening to this at all, but I would say I think that if you,

you should know how at least two humans and probably more feel when they learn that you have a large collection of glasses that are all prescription-less because you just like the way you look. People will think and come to the conclusion that you are going, that that is weird and a deception and a vanity that combined with the incredible cost of your collection feels gross.

Not everyone will feel that way, but certainly I do, and Paul does, and your spouse. So at the very least, keep your collection at current status. Certainly feel free to buy old frames from thrift stores, I guess, but knock it off at the $500 frames. And remember that every pair of glasses that you are wearing that have no prescription in them is a pair of glasses that Steve Allen couldn't give to the needy. Well, I hope he heard that through his second-hand hearing aid.

Judge Libby writes, My husband and I often stream movies and TV through our video game system. This system has a voice command feature, which includes commands like rewind, volume up, scroll, pause, etc. I find the voice command system to be annoying and cumbersome, as it is necessary to halt conversation and usually requires a long series of commands, which are frequently misunderstood and have to be corrected and repeated. I think using the remote is more efficient. corrected and repeated i think using the remote is more efficient my husband enjoys the voice command feature and claims we should keep using it to keep the remote clean of

paul paul are you okay paul are you okay i'm very sorry my husband let me ask you let me ask you are you are you having some kind of uh a seizure or attack or is it simply that what come that what comes next in this sentence is one of the most profoundly ridiculous examples of husbandly self-justification that you've ever encountered in your life it's up there judge my husband enjoys the voice command feature and claims we should keep using it to keep the remote clean of food particles when we eat while watching TV. Oh, I forgot to mention, we eat in a trough. Judge Hodgman, please order him to stop using the feature when we are watching TV together.

I'll make an exception for desperate situations like the doorbell ringing. Well, ding-dong. I don't know who is ringing the doorbell. There's a monster, a very polite monster out there well ding dong here comes reality into your and husband and husband's life libby i called him husband sure this is a double might be his name double perfect case for paul f tompkins because not only is paul f tompkins a great dresser but i learned from having lived in his home for a period of time this past spring while filming the television show married 10 30 p.m thursday nights on fx watch this time as bernie the vice best friend of that faxing for us after next in line of succession

after brett gelman's aj gets into some more weird hijinks on the actually very funny and great and wonderfully cast show married on fx at 10 30 but as i was filming that uh that tv show on which i have a recurring role uh and staying at your house like a deadbeat, I learned something about you that I did not know, which was that you had a voice commanded gaming system. That's right. That you, and which you use the voice command to use. Yes.

And you like to do it, correct? Well, I am the Libby in this situation in our household because I will use it sparingly, but my wife loves it and uses it all the time. And I've experienced the exact same thing that Libby is talking about, where there is a complicated series of commands. The machine doesn't understand at first.

You have to keep saying it over and over again. Meanwhile, there is a remote that is inches away from my wife's hand on the coffee table. And so sometimes I will pick up the remote and just select the thing that she is trying to select because I can't listen to it anymore. Yeah. I think that it is the technology as I experienced it in your home was really annoying and distracting. Yeah, it's not all there yet. It's not all there yet.

It's very close. Sure. And it may well be there in the future. And that's fine. But for now, watching a TV show and someone pausing it by going, computer, pause, is really, really unsettling. Because the louder the TV is, the louder you have to be. Yeah. So that the video game console can hear you over the show you're watching.

Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like it makes you feel like the person sitting next to you has a neurological disorder or may become violent at any time. And it's just not it's just not relaxing when you're watching your stories. Yeah. So I would say that the husband in this case, who whose name, I guess, his husband, after all, because I can't see it here anyway, out of courtesy to his, not just his wife, but simply other human being. Neighbors even. Yeah. Who are probably hearing, who are probably hearing, stop, pause, rewind. This court cannot rob a man or a woman from using technology that they bought in the completely compromised way in which it functions

if they enjoy that. So if his neighbors have a problem with him screaming all the time, probably they have problems with him for other reasons too. There's nothing we can do about it. Probably leaves his garbage cans out too long. But Libby is a person with whom he shares a home and out of consideration to her when they are watching television as libby requests i hereby order him to not do that not yell at the tv unless under extreme need and i

also order both of them to stop eating food directly over their remote controls. Maybe, maybe they need to learn how to chew properly. What? They're eating like cookie monster where food is just flying out of the sides of their mouths, getting all over the remote controls. Well, because like,

like cookie monster they don't actually have esophaguses yeah and so they just got to mash up the cookie until it falls out of its mouth to create the illusion of having eaten oh this is what a me want pause now rewind as a sometimes command you're listening to judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned

in the real world, and you get to hear this sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now.

Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really?

What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck, made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made-in, made-in. Made-in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years.

They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com.

That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. M-A-D-E-I-N cookware dot com. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie,

Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace. Because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you.

And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I.

It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go.

Judge Andrew writes, My wife regularly cites rulings by Judge John Hodgman to try to win arguments in our personal lives. I have told her on several occasions that the rulings made by Judge Hodgman apply only to the individuals

to whom the ruling was given. Please order my wife to stop citing your cases in our personal disagreements. You know, normally I don't really like to take disputes that are straight up disputes with the podcast itself. Straight up disputes with the podcast itself. It's, you know, I, I bring a case against bailiff Jesse Thorne or judge John Hodgman or guest bailiff Paul F. Tompkins because of X, Y, Z, or it gets a little, it gets a little meta. Absolutely. we do actually have over the course of the 200 and some odd episodes we've recorded over the past several years established

essentially a body of common law of settled law principles and precedents that I will refer to as we go forward and which indeed some of the more weirdly obsessive litigants refer

to when they call in. And so I think that it is important to let Andrew know that when I settle a dispute, obviously I am ordering a specific person to do one thing or another. And my order to husband and Libby to stop eating foods like maniacs over their remote controls is a specific order for them. But for Andrew, I would think to be a fairly strong suggestion. And I think that, but on the whole, there is a body of settled law that I would encourage all people to at least consider in their lives. And here, it encouraged me to go back and think about what the principles we've settled on are so far on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. So J.J. Ho, settled law. People like what they like.

You can't force someone to like something. You can expose them to a piece of work, but if they don't like it, that's the way it is. You can't talk them out of it. This is the Tom Waits principle. A machine gun is not a robot. A hot dog is not a sandwich. Those who put in the work get to choose first. That is to say, if you're driving the car, you have a priority when it comes to programming what music or words you listen to.

For example, if you are making the bed or if you're doing the laundry, your decision to do the laundry at a certain time or five times a week is really up to you. This one has never actually come up on the podcast before, and I don't know why. It is a saying that was passed down to me via my wife from my father-in-law. It's something that I believe in strongly, though I've never had the courage to put into effect or say to someone, bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. There are no demons lurking in wind produced by box fans or air conditioners. Settled law.

If you are within 250 miles of a German water park that is housed in a former Zeppelin factory, go to it. Do not not go to it, Pat. You should pay for content and if possible, pay for it in the way that the thing that you are paying for makes money and is asking you to pay for it. Be mindful of the work you leave for others. Tip everyone because they are all humans. None of them is garbage. And you are not garbage. So do not eat out of the garbage in Canada or any nation. And respect the work that you've done and believe

that your content is worth paying for. So charge for your reading series in Portland. Go word Portland. I mentioned that a hot dog is not a sandwich. I'll put it here again. Do not try to weasel out of common sense agreements using pedantry, such as this party is on private property so I can wear my fleecy Crocs or to say perhaps a hot dog is a sandwich because it is listed on the sandwich part of this one menu that I am sending to you on Instagram right now. Although I have to say that someone sent in a picture from Cambodia where a hot dog appeared on the sandwich menu

as hot dog sandwich in baguette. And this hot dog is a sandwich because it is a hot dog is a sandwich because it is a hot dog that has been sliced up into a different form and put into not a hot dog roll, but a baguette. I mean, it's literally, you would never call, I will put this picture online, you would never call this thing a hot dog. It is a transformed hot dog that has been made into a sandwich. But even so, you should never say, even if you agree with me that a hot dog is not a sandwich, you should never say, I will not pay for this hot dog because it appears on the sandwich menu.

And we all know that a hot dog is not a sandwich and I will not pay for something that doesn't exist. This argument has not been made, but I am certain it will be made to me in an email soon. Because this speaks to the overall rule of the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast, a podcast that exists to settle disputes. Do not seek out disputes in life. You'll have plenty of them. Don't look for fights. Don't especially look for fights trying to be on a podcast and especially especially don't look for fights and disputes in your life because you are obsessed with always being right because the truth is you are mostly wrong we all are and especially you andrew right now right now oh in your face andrew that guy got faced judge by you yeah on the principles of judge sean hodgman if your wife says this is settled law yeah it's settled law proof of that is that if you called in and tried to bring this dispute and I'd already settled the premise underneath it, I would not hear your case. I think that a lot of times what we are looking for is for someone

to back us up so that we don't have to do things differently than the way we've always been doing them. Because it's scary sometimes to make a change in our lives or to learn a new thing or to have to stop and correct behavior or whatever. And it would be so great to have somebody say, no, no, no, you're absolutely right on this and you don't have to do anything differently at all. But really, most of the time, what it comes down to is being mindful of other people's feelings. And sometimes in order to do that, you have to not be able to just indulge every impulse that you have whenever you have it, that you have to say, oh, this is what I

would like to do right now. But that negatively impacts this person that is close to me in some way. Well, that's very nice of you to say, Paul, the truth is that this podcast is dedicated to providing a voice and strong support for fully 50% of the people who call in. And then is dedicated to yelling at the other 50%. But, you know, yelling is helpful too. Because I would say the people who become most surprised by the opinions of other people are those people who have through circumstances in their life maybe they've been alone for a lot of their life maybe they've been single for a lot of their life and now are encompassing uh engaging on new adventures with spouses or roommates or whatever just haven't had their stuff reality checked for a while

and having your stuff reality checked for a while is a really good thing i think i i gain from it and seek it in my life quite a bit it's painful uh but we grow so that's why i yell at you guys and that's why i'm yelling at you andrew i'm right and you're wrong listen to your wife well judge that is all we have for today. Well, Paul F. Tompkins, what a pleasure as always to speak to you, whether it's on this podcast, whether it's on your Great Spontanean Nation podcast, upon which I had the pleasure of being a guest not too very long ago, to share occasionally the privilege of sharing a stage with you, as we are doing soon here in Brooklyn, New York, when the various scattered pieces of the gigantic entertainment Voltron that was Thrilling Adventure Hour reassemble at the Bell House for Super Week. I'm sure every show is sold out a dozen times over, but... I think there are still some tickets left to the Work Juice Players improv show and maybe some for the Sparks Nevada show as well.

OK, so if people wanted to buy those tickets since we since we both work for those guys. Yeah. Where would they go? I think they would go to thrilling adventure hour dot com and they will find a ticket link there. And those shows are Thursday for the improv show and Friday for the Sparks Nevada show at the Bell House. And those improv shows, we've done a few of them. They're always a lot of fun. It's a really, I have to say, it's a really top-notch group of improvisers and a lot of fun. And our non-improviser friends will be doing monologues for the show, as well as uh uh your friend and mine uh gene gray

uh friend of the show uh occasional guest bailiff uh we'll be doing monologues for our improv show that is going to be a very fun night well i absolutely encourage people to go to that website and buy tickets and see you and us there but in the meantime bringing it more closely to home paul f tompkins has a podcast called Spontanean Nation that is simply burning up the podcast charts. The charts are virtual, so nothing really burns, but it has been the podcast revelation of the year to me, and I enjoy it so much.

Paul, I encourage everyone to go over there and subscribe right away, right away to the Spontanean Nation podcast at iTunes, whatever podcatcher you might use. How dot FM. Is that the thing that Earwolf is doing? Is that correct? That's yes, they're doing that. But you can also it's it's free every Monday via Earwolf. So you can catch new episodes every Monday. That sounds fantastic. And then there are live shows once a month at Largo, as we discussed. That's right. The next one is Saturday, October 3rd, with Drew Massey, Colleen Smith, and Victor Yarred

from my TV show, Know You Shut Up. They're fantastic improvisers. And our special interview guest is Susanna Hoffs of the Bangles, who is absolutely wonderful. We will be performing a number together. Now, if you are listening to this at this moment, you missed my shows in Minneapolis and Toronto and elsewhere. Fools. But despair not.

Or maybe you didn't miss them. Maybe you went and saw them and really enjoyed them. Maybe you did the right thing and you enjoyed them and then you went onto social media and said, hey, everybody who's in Seattle and Portland and San Francisco and Orlando and North Carolina, why don't you go see John Hodgman soon? He's coming to your town.

This has been a little bit long for a tweet, but still I, and then you get cut off. For that indeed is what I'm doing. I am closing out my vacation land tour over the next couple of weeks. This is my one man show of comedy stories about river, which is Cairns, Maine, and the entire world. And you can see it still in Vancouver on October 13th. Seattle on October.

Excuse me. I don't have a show in Seattle. Much to my dismay and all the people on the internet who believe that I control the booking of all the venues in Seattle. I will have an off day in Seattle. We'll see what comes up that day. But I will be in Portland, Oregon on the 15th Thursday. That is a sold-out show. So if you can't get into that one,

come see me either in Vancouver or San Francisco on the 16th of October. A little later on in October, I'll be in Orlando, Florida on the 23rd. That's a Friday. And then on the 24th, we'll be rounding it out, closing it up, shutting it down, setting my clothes on fire at the Carolina Theater in Durham, North Carolina. Boy, what a beautiful theater.

All these places are going to be a really good time. And of course, I will be meeting and greeting any humans who want to be met or Gret after the show and signing vacation land posters, which you can get at to pataco.com or buy them in limited numbers at the venues. And that's posters by Adam Hughes, incredible artist. And it's just been really fun so far.

And I hope we can see you before too long. Cause it is better when you are there. You can't say fairer than that. Judge. Let me tell this to the people. Wait a minute. I can say fairer than that. I just did me tell this to the people. Wait a minute. I can say fairer than that. I just did.

Oh. Ha ha ha. I stand corrected. No, you go say what you were saying. Listen up. If you have a case for the judge, submit it at www.maximumfund.org slash J-J-H-O. I have been your guest bailiff, Paul F. Tompkins. Julia Smith produces the show.

Mark McConville is our editor. Thank you for joining us for the Judge John Hodgman podcast. And now what we're going to do is we'll just have the camera go back and our voices will go down and you and I will just chat for a little bit as the audience applauds. So, you know, Paul, that was a really great show. Thank you so much. Rubar, rubar, rubar. Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.