Judge John Hodgman - Road Rules

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

VROOM VROOM! Buckle your seatbelts and pile in our station wagon, because this week’s episode is all about ROAD TRIPS! From passenger etiquette to divvying up the driving duties, we’re covering any and all disputes related to car travel. Should you divide up driving duties by hour or by mile? Which is the better way to road trip: getting to your destination faster or stopping and enjoying the sights - and potential ice cream - along the way? And when you’re a passenger, should you point out the sights along the road, or shut up and let the driver concentrate? Plus, the weirdest game of the classic road trip game, 20 questions! Getting ready for your own road trip? We have a playlist for that! Tap here for hours of JJHo classics, sure to keep everyone entertained! We need YOUR disputes to make this show! So please send us your hottest takes, unresolved arguments, and everything in between for our judgment! Submit them at maximumfun.org/jjho! ---Judge John Hodgman is member-supported! Become a member to unlock special bonus episodes and more. Memberships start at just $5 a month. Just tap here!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff, Jesse Thorne. I'm in chambers. We're about to clear the docket with me, Judge John Hodgman. Hi, John. Hi, Jesse Thorne. I am also in chambers, my summertime chambers here at W.E... I'm pointing the wrong way.

Over here, w.ERU.org. If you're watching this on YouTube, you can see I'm pointing to a little placard that says w.ERU.org, 89.9.m. in Orlando, Maine. also available on the internet, of course, over here. I hope I'm pointing the right way this time. That's the Judge John Hodgman seal of the court, the great seal of the fine court of Judge John Hodgman. It is summertime.

I am in Maine. Joel Mann is sitting across from me. Hello, Joel. Hello, Judge. And you know how I got here, Jesse? I mean, my first thought is you drove in a car, but you tell me. No, you were right. I drove in a car.

Yes, nailed it. Jesse, you and I, we did a little road trip together, didn't we? A little pre-summer road trip. We had such a great time doing a road trip. We went from Boston, Massachusetts, or specifically Brookline, Massachusetts, where we had a show, up to what Maine is it called? It's the Maine, Maine. It's the regular Maine. We're in down east Maine.

To Boat, Maine. Boat, Maine, where the boat lives, home of the Grace Bay. Yeah, that's right. Well, first, first we were in an unnamed coastal town in Maine, where I live part of the time, including right now, and you visited me there. And once again, you made the entire peninsula horny with your incredible style and charm. Thank you. Everyone in town was talking about Jesse Thorne as we walked through all our stores and places that we went to. Introduced Jesse to the term stores and places, which is coined by our daughter, a whole human being in our own right. And by our, I mean, my mom. daughter with my wife who's a whole human being in her own right. Jesse and I have not adopted a daughter, though maybe. Stores in place is an absolute life changer for me, John. I want to say, like, I travel often

with the Judge John Hodgman podcast or for work. I sometimes travel with my family. Yeah. And every weekend, I'm in Los Angeles with my family. Right. And my own beautiful wife, who is herself a whole human being in her own right. Indeed, she is. And an incredible one at that. She would prefer to spend these times in rooms. Yeah. Such as our living room, a hotel room.

Right. These sorts of rooms. Because she moves slowly and she values relaxation and calm. Yeah. I want to do things. Yeah, you want to do things so bad. I got to do things. I'm like, I've been, I've been at my house all week.

Why would I spend my weekend at my house? Yeah, exactly. And your daughter put a name to this activity that I couldn't be more grateful for, which is stores and places. Stores and places. Now, to be clear, this is an adult daughter. She came up with this idea as an adult. This is not like a little baby thing. but she's like you, Jesse, and, you know, my wife and our son, all cool human beings, right?

They are more like Teresa, hinger arounders. They take pleasure in sitting quietly and reading a book or staring into space or working on a puzzle or whatever it might be. But you and me and our daughter, we like to get out in the world and our daughter is like, let's do stores and places. So we did some stores and places up here. We did the wine shop. We tried to get you a haircut. Of course, it closed early because I got tired of cutting hair. And then we drove down on our road trip down to Rockland, Maine,

where we abandoned the car for the fine vessel of the Grace Bailey. And then we were at sea for four nights. We've talked about it. And then you drove me to the airport and you drove yourself back to Boston for more stores and places. You got to see our friend Josh Cantor, didn't you? I went to Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts. I took a look at the calendar because basically I didn't want to drive. from Maine to Boston and then fly from Boston to Los Angeles in the same day.

Seemed too ambitious. Ambitious. So I went on a popular, you don't know what hotel you're going to stay in website and booked myself a hotel room, an affordable hotel room. And then I looked at the calendar and I noticed that there was a late afternoon game at Fenway Park. So I stopped at a travel plaza, opened up a ticket buying app and bought myself a ticket to the Red Sox game. Then it occurred to me, our friend Josh Cantor is the organist at the Boston Red Sox game.

So I messaged Josh Cantor and he said, we'll come by the organ booth. So I went to, I went to the ball game. I got to visit Josh Cantor, Josh Cantor and I got to have a nice dinner. Yeah. And all of Boston, Massachusetts was carpeted in kilt men. Right. Drunk kilt men were everywhere, including at Fenway Park. There were probably, Fenway Park seats maybe 38,000 or something, let's say.

It's been a long time since I've counted the seats, but yeah, that's about right. I would say there were about 14,000 drunk men in kiltz. And Josh was out there playing like he had done his research because he's serious about his business of organing. Yeah. And he was playing like disco hits that are unofficial theme songs of the Scottish national soccer team. Right. Because all soccer teams, it turns out, have, despite the fact that their crowds are composed exclusively of 28-year-old guys that want to get in a fight. All their theme songs seem to be like Donna Summer record.

Yeah, it's that or Abba, right? Yeah, and so he's playing the special songs that they love. You know, he knows from this. They all sing the Neil Diamond song at Fenway Park. Sure. You know, they sing Sweet Caroline. Yeah, that's a great song. That's the part, that's part I know.

So it's great because he's playing these European disco hits on his orcan. So that all these drunk Scots can sing along. To be very clear, these are genuine. Scotsman and women and other. We're not talking. Fenway Park wasn't packed with mutton-chopped dudes in utilicilts like it's some kind of Jonathan Colton Cruz. No, there were some of those.

I mean, I think it was like sort of like a wedding. It was an excuse for somebody with one Scottish relative three generations back to buy a kilt and wear it. However, it was mostly Scottish people, which I just thought when they, they're walking down the street, I assumed that they were just white people that wanted to claim an ethnic identity, which is usually what Scots are Irish people in the United States walking down the street and carrying a flag are. Yeah. But then they would start talking. And I'd be like, oh, no, these people flew to Boston from Scotland for the soccer game. I would have presumed they were

just all Dr. Who's. Yeah. It's just a bunch of... This is a... It's weird. I saw Peter Capaldi 274 times. This was a World Cup thing. Is that why Boston was Scots? It was a World Cup thing. Everybody had come out to Boston to watch the World Cup match that was, you know, out in Peterborough or whatever. Right. And it was great.

I mean, like, honestly, the, while the drunkenness level was relatively high at all times during the day, the vibes were very positive. It was not a belligerent drunkenness. It was a cheerful drunkenness. And at one point, I did read in the newspaper that they had, they had drank all the beer. They drank all the beer in Boston is what I heard. Boston ran out of beer. Boston ran out of beer.

Takes a lot. That's true. I really did read that in the newspaper. It takes a lot. Boston and the, and the, the Glasgowians and the Scots people from all over, they fell in love with each other. Do you hear about this, Joel? No. Do you like the Red Sox baseball game?

No. Okay. I went there once. Yeah? Yeah. Did you know that we have a friend Josh Cantor who plays the organ? I do now. Okay, cool. I was going to suggest that he might play some Joe Bird and the field hippies for you because he does take requests, Joel.

But now that I know you'll never go to a baseball game, I'll just tell Josh Cantor to F off. Dash's dreams. Yeah, that's what I meant to say. Dash's dreams. Yes. Dash off, Josh. Anyway, what we're talking about is road trips, summertime road trip, stores, places, roadside attractions, giant balls of twine and everything in between hot dogs and

all the beer that's left in Boston, don't drink and drive. We'll talk about maybe having a ice cold moxie in the car instead. But we have a docket full of road trip disputes culled from you, our listeners, as well as other sources. Jesse, do you want to open up the dock and we can get into it? Yeah, do you want to hear a case from Goose Energy? Yes, I do. I really do. Goose underscore energy. That's their Reddit name. I presume it's not their given name, although, you know.

Goose Energy sounds like a really cool baseball player's name. My high school girlfriend had a sister named Liberty Star, so why not Goose Energy? Yeah, Liberty Star, what an incredible. Like, was Liberty Star a sibling of Brave Star? Yeah. Deep Cuts. Cowboy from early 1990s Saturday morning television. Deep maximum fun cuts.

Let's bring it back up to date. What does Goose Energy have to say? I'm going on a road trip with two friends from Connecticut to Las Vegas. We pick up our rental car at 10 a.m. And I want to leave at 2 or 3 p.m. One of my friends wants to leave later around 7 or 8. He says, if we drive at night, we can avoid traffic because no one else will be on the road. I think that if we leave earlier, we can stay in.

on the same calendar as the rest of the world. I don't want to drive at night and sleep during the day. There's a lot of nuance to this, but I feel like my idea makes more sense. I'm not sure what the nuance is. I mean, it's possible that the nuance is that their rental car is a Willie Nelson's tour bus or something like that. Yeah, that could be.

They have to travel at night after the shows. Yeah, they have to travel at night after the shows when no tax collectors are about. Willie Nelson doesn't like to pay taxes. I don't know what does. It could be that Smokey's on their tail. It could be that Smokey's on their tail, but I feel like that would make you more of a target.

If you were speeding down I-84 trying to avoid Smokey, at 2 a.m., you're going to attract attention to yourself. I don't, you know, here's a thing. The thing that I'm hung up on, Jesse, honestly, is if you're renting the car at 10 a.m., why are you leaving at 2? Just go.

Just get going. Just get going. What are you doing in the middle of that time? I'm so into this. I'm so passionate about this part of it. I had the same reaction. I'm like, why are you waiting? Well, I want to leave it 2 or 3 p.m.

What are you going to do in the middle of that time with your rental car? Don't you want to drive it? Don't you want to spend a lot of time adjusting the mirrors and figuring out the presets on the radio or whatever? Pack the car, have a sandwich, hit the road. I'm a hit the road person. So the idea of waiting until 3 p.m. is bad enough, never mind waiting until 10 p.m. Even if that was going to get you past the traffic. And now the other thing is, I'll acknowledge Connecticut does have some traffic.

That's fair. I don't know where they are in Connecticut. But I, you know, I-95, I-84, the Merritt Parkway, the Wilbercross Parkway. these roadways do get stacked up with New York City traffic as people are coming and going, leaving New York or on vacation or coming back from the weekend or whatever. It does get, and it's a commuter area. If you're in southern Connecticut, around New Haven

and more southwesternly, you will see real traffic there. But I will say for the rest of the country that they will be traveling through, there will be no traffic. unless you don't understand what traffic is. I understand what traffic is. I live in New York City most of the time. Sorry, Joel. Sorry.

Yeah. I know what traffic is, and I know that traffic is a bane that cannot be avoided. I have sat in traffic, in real traffic. I know what real traffic is. I'm not talking about your daddy's traffic up there in Colchester, Connecticut, where you get so mad because that red light makes you stop for five minutes. I'm talking about real traffic.

And your friend is absolutely right, Goose underscore energy. If you're driving at night, particularly in almost all of the rest of the country, you will not see another car with an exception that I think is meaningful in a moment that I'll mention. But if you're driving during the day, for the most part, you're not really going to see traffic in the rest of the country. And I don't want to hear, I don't want to get your letters, Cleveland. I don't want to get your letters, St. Louis. I don't know what way you're going from Connecticut to Las Vegas, but it's basically got to be what, due west through upstate New York, Ohio,

Pennsylvania, Ohio into maybe you're going to cut down at some point through Iowa, into Nebraska. You're not going to see it traffic during the day. What you will see is daylight and things, and I dare say, stores and places. Mm-hmm. And your turn-off. And your turn-off. And you will see the light of the next day because you won't be exhausted and steer into a pole.

If the only traffic you're going to see at night, also, by the way, is likely going to be a semi, you know, a big tractor trailer long-haul trucker who are, who are, who tends to be very good and and seasoned drivers. but those are big trucks that can destroy your car if you get if you get in front of them the wrong way and drunks go drive during the day what's the road trip if you can't see what's around you what do you think about that jesse am i right or am i wrong there's a world i can imagine where they're only driving two or three hours yeah each day they don't specify i don't think they're trying to get there as fast as they can. Right. If they're only driving two or three hours a day,

there's a world where, you know, driving eight to 11 and then pulling into your motel or whatever. 8 p.m. to 11 p.m. you're saying? Yeah. I think that would be fine. Yeah. But the reality is that if they just leave at 10 each morning, Yeah. They'll get where they're going. By the time it's afternoon, they'll still have time to enjoy their destination,

settle down for the night, have a nice dinner somewhere, probably at a barbecue restaurant, which is always the best choice. Right. Like, I don't think there's any question that they should be daytime traveling. The only exception would be if this is a, you know, bullet train trip where they They're trying to get there as fast as they can. They're like taking shifts, sleeping in the back of the car. But that's not what this is.

This is a road trip. Yeah. This is not a fast drive. It's not a gumball rally, not a cannonball run. I mean, if it is, that's different. But you should specify that. If it was, Jamie Farr would be here playing a broadly racist character. If only.

A lot of broad racism in those. Yeah, I never saw. a cannonball run. Not even a one of them. Not good. No. I'll say one exception, and I know this from when David Reese drove across the country, if you're in the desert, you might want to travel at night because it gets hot.

And maybe your car can't hack it. And if you're driving into Las Vegas, that's the desert. And it might be more fun to arrive at nighttime than it is at daytime because you get to see all the pretty lights. and probably Yeah. And also, you know, if your buddy wants to take a shift driving at night once or twice just to get his cheap thrills, I presume you're sharing the driving. But if one of you, your guy, Goose Energy, wants to drive one night shift just for fun, okay, that's fine.

Driver makes the rules. But how often are you going to be driving from Connecticut to Las Vegas? For most people, I'm looking forward now to a potential cross-country road. road trip, the first I've ever taken. Around Thanksgiving, we're thinking about driving out to San Francisco where our daughter, whole human being, et cetera, lives, and all the stores and places that that finds that he has to offer. I'm not going to want to do that during the dark. I want to stop and see. See the things. See the Cadillac Graveyard or whatever, or the corn palace or all that fun stuff. Joel, what's your favorite roadside attraction? Paul Bunyan. Paul Bunyan. You mean in Bangor?

Yeah. I drive up there at least once a week to see it. A road trip to Palmunion, not a stop along the way. Oh, we stop and have lunch. Where do you have lunch? A picnic, make a picnic go up. You talk to the big guy. And then you just turn around and come back to Castine? Yeah, it's only 45 minutes.

What a day. Yeah. What a life road trip. 45 minutes is a small price to pay for a chance to talk to the big guy. Exactly. That is one thing we didn't see, Jesse. We didn't go into Bangor and see the giant Paul Bunyan statue. Nor did.

No, we didn't even see a giant L.L. Bean boot. There is always more to see. And guess when it is easier to see than not daytime. It's in Freeport. It's in Freeport. Thanks, Joel. Okay. Jesse, it's in Freeport, Maine. It's Freeport, Maine.

The giant LL. Bean. Home of L.L. Bean. Home of Ladies Love Bean. Here's something from Otis in Washington, D.C. When my partner Ellie and I take road trips, we both want to put in an equal amount of driving effort. For Ellie, equal means we split the mileage evenly regardless of actual driving time. So if we're driving 200 miles, each person drives 100 miles, even if a traffic jam means one of us might need more time to get through their portion of the drive. I think we should split it by driving time.

So for that same 200-mile trip, we might switch who's driving every two hours regardless of how many miles they've driven. Who's right? First of all, Jesse, I got to tip my hat to my friend, Jesse Thorne. You also know what traffic is. You know what real traffic is. I didn't mean to own that as a New York City thing.

L.A., of course, that is one of the main roadside attractions of Los Angeles, the traffic. People drive for miles around just to experience it. Yeah, people go on the 405. The 405. The 10. The 10. The 5. And I would say that D.C., I'm sure, knows a fair amount of traffic as well. I've been stuck in traffic around D.C. John, I've been stuck in traffic in D.C. And the car I was driving stopped working. Really? What happened? On the Beltway. No. Coasted off into a local park. Called my aunt and tried. to use context clues to describe to her where we were.

Wait, how old were you? 22. Oh, no. What happened to your car? It was a car that I was belonged to someone else. Uh-huh. And it stopped working, John. A piece of it stopped working that led the car to not drive anymore.

Did you, uh, did you check the go-a-later? That's usually the culprit and the go-a-later fails. had to, like, we pulled off. There was no street signs or it was, you know, it was in a park that was off the beltway. Yeah. And just had to describe what kind of trees we could see to Aunt Debbie until she and Uncle Wayne came and picked us up.

The Goalater joke, of course, is a very old Elizabeth Gilbert joke that I've stolen many a time, but I've got to give her credit for that. That's, that's when something goes wrong like that, Probably the most terrifying thing that's ever happened to me in a car when the trip was interrupted. A non, I'm glad to say, non-collision terrifying thing. When something stops, flat tire or whatever, that's always been a bummer to me. But the thing we, you know, our daughter, when she was younger, we really wanted to hit some stores and places.

We were out in Western Massachusetts, and she insisted that we go out to Mass Moka, the Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art. which is about an hour, 10-minute drive from where we were in western Massachusetts. It's over a big mountain range, the something something mountains. And it was bad weather, and I'm like, and it was cold and a little icy. And I'm like, I don't know that we want to drive that way.

What? You just go. You just go from one place to another. I'm like, yeah, but there are conditions. And I got bullied into it. And it was unpassable on top. It was snowy and slick on top of the mountain. And I turned around.

And on our way home, on a long descent, I, I, we, we were going fast and I was gently pumping the brakes, but I had a hard time slowing down. And all of a sudden, the back spun out from around me. And we twirled for three or four times before slowly coming to rest. It was the, I mean, luckily, there was no traffic. Luckily, we're in a non-D.C., non-New York City, non-L.A.

place where there really aren't that many cars around. And we were really, really lucky. But that was bad. That was bad. This has nothing to do with what Otis wants to know about here. So I'm just trying to kill some time and talk about some stuff. If you're watching on the YouTube, tell us your, like, worst bummer moment on a road trip when the car stopped working. I don't want to hear about any casualties or any, like, real danger, but just a thing where it's like, oh, no, I forgot.

I ran out of gas. we all run out of gas sometimes let us know in the comments if you will also subscribe YouTube really helps us let's get back to Otis so I checked in with my wife as a whole human being because I'd heard the story about when her dad was 16 years old my father-in-law Brad I'll name him I don't mind doxing Brad when Brad was 16 he and his mom and dad and his younger brothers would go on these massive road trips. And they had a similar situation.

They would take turns, mom, dad, and new driver Brad, every 100 miles, no matter what happened, they would switch off. And they would do it by mileage. And oftentimes they were in the middle of a bridge and they would pull over and switch. 100 miles on the dot switch. Wow. And I was like, why do that? Because Otis is right. Right? Sorry, Ellie. But, you know, DC, you might have a lot of traffic getting out of DC. So to cover 100 miles, right, might take you three hours, maybe a full 90 minutes to get out of DC and then another hour, hour and a half to start really making up some mileage.

And then after that, you switch over to Ellie, and the next 100 miles might take under two hours. It really depends on what we're talking about here, which is traffic. And I was like, why did Brad do that? And then I remembered that my father-in-law, when he was 16, it was like 1832 or whatever. There wasn't a traffic. Didn't matter. Didn't matter.

That would work then. But now, with so many cars on the road, you got to do it by time. You can't do it by, you can't do it by mileage. It doesn't make sense. It's not equal. It's not fair. It's not fair. Do you disagree, Jesse?

I'm with you 100%. Thank you. Joel? I agree. Thank you, Joel, for once. you agree with me. Doesn't like baseball. Doesn't go anywhere beyond Bangor.

You're a world traveler, Joel. I go to Ellsworth. Yeah, thank you. Let's take a break here from this week's partners. We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket. And here is a case from Todd in the 415, San Francisco, California.

Stores and Places USA. There have been a lot of disputes on the podcast. about making stops during road trips. When time's not an issue, I think people on road trips should consider following the Bart Simpson rule. In Bart on the road,

season 7, episode 20, whenever someone asked, Bart, can we stop for ice cream? The answer was, yes. What do you think? Should there be a limit on stops and roadside attractions? Jennifer Marmer,

I believe, our wonderful producer, Jennifer Marmer, from this very episode. funny. All right. So I haven't seen this episode in season seven.

So I guess it was 45 years ago or whatever. But it was really funny. And I guess the setup there is if, you know, if a kid was driving the car, they would stop at all these places because that's what kids want to do because they want to live their lives. They don't want to just like mark time and get,

get there as soon as possible. And I think, I don't know, Jesse. I think this is a great, a great way to live, a great way to do a, a road trip.

Yeah, as the parent of three neurodivergent children, road trip driving, which we have barely even attempted in the last few years, even did like the drive from Los Angeles to San Francisco where our families live, road trip driving is very fraught. Yeah. And all of my children considered driving in the car to be some kind of torture chamber, experience that they desperately want to get out of. So we do tend toward, and they also don't always have a lot of advance notice on when they have to pee. Sure. So we do tend toward barreling through.

Yeah, of course. Because we want to get it over with, and the kids want to get it over with. But I think you know from traveling with me, John, that my passion for stores and places extends to road travel. Yeah. So, like, if I'm driving, you know, like once in a while, I'll drive to my cabin in the Sierra's by myself. Right. When I do that, I always decide on a place to stop for lunch where I'm going to be really

happy that I stop there for lunch. Barbecue restaurant. Barbecue restaurant. Yeah. I mean, there's a, yeah, it's not wrong. There's also a good Lao restaurant in Springville. You have a very diverse palate. You love all kinds of foods.

I do, indeed. It's just that like, if you're in Central Oklahoma, and there's a barbecue restaurant, probably the barbecue restaurant's going to be really good. Yeah. If there's a Lao restaurant in Central. Well, if there's a Lao restaurant in Central Oklahoma, that's probably going to be pretty good, too.

I'd be curious to know. I'd like to stop and find out. Anyway, I, I will stop, particularly I will prioritize eating something good rather than eating something from a drive-through or something. Right. And I will also stop at thrift stores. Yeah. Of course. Of course you are. If I'm traveling somewhere nice, I mean, most of the long road trips I take are on Highway 5 between Los Angeles in San Francisco that is just a straight shot through cows. However, if I'm, say, driving up the coast, am I going to stop at Hurst Castle?

Yes, of course I'm going to stop at Hurst Castle. Yeah. They have elephant seals there, too. You know, look, that's a road that you might travel again and again and again. So maybe you'll have another chance to see Hurst Castle. But for a lot of road trips, maybe this is your only chance to eat at that restaurant or see that thing. It's good to live a life of curiosity and wanting to stop. Look, when we drive particularly to Maine, we're bringing a cat along, Lolo the Dumb

Dumb Cat. And we're very lucky because Lolo is an unintelligent cat who seems to have no sense of time or place and seems completely fine being enclosed in her little soft capsule, buckled in safely, never complains, never poops, never pees, whatever, unlike some other cats I know, cat of our daughter. But that said, we still don't have the luxury of stopping for long. stretches. I would love to stop at traveler food and books where

you know, we, Jesse, you and I went there and had a tune melt there. It's a family diner right on the Massachusetts, Connecticut border, and you get a free book with every meal. They're all terrible books, but, you know. Or find some other point of curiosity or an interesting place to eat or whatever.

I mean, living with curiosity is wonderful. And I mean, this is the thing we keep returning to, but it reminds me of two things. One, if I had my druthers, I would like there to be a setting. I don't know if you use a GPS map app, whether made by Apple or a competitor or whatever, but I would love there to be a setting where I could turn off the ETA. Because when I see the ETA, that is to say, estimated time of arrival, I automatically my lizard brain gamifies the trip. So if the ETA starts like, okay, this is going to take X number of hours and you're going to get there at 5.55 p.m.

When I see, even though I don't, I'm not in a rush, even though the cat's going to be fine, even though I would prefer a leisurely travel. If I see the ETA go from 555 to 605, my whole body starts to. to like spasm and be like, I'm losing the game. I'm losing the video game. I've got to find a way to get there faster to get it back down to 555. Which is a terrible way to live. It's why I don't play video games. And I love video games.

But, you know, it's like I don't need there to be a score that I'm trying to keep on this road trip. I don't want to drive in the middle of the night to beat the game. I want to experience the drive. You're saying the body knows the score. The body keeps the score, and I am very concerned when my body is not on the high score list at the end of asteroids or whatever. I will feel like I have lost somehow when all I have done is arrived safely, very happily in the place where I presumably want to be. But the real winning is when you stop along the way. And I love our cat very much, but I can't wait for it to die.

I'm joking. I'm joking. When we go on our cross-country road trip, though, someone's going to be. be looking after the cat. The cat's not coming with us. So specifically, we can stop and see stuff and do stuff and see something that we're not going to see again. So yeah, I think that Bart on the road is a very, I don't think you can drive your own car into a truckway station to be weighed. That's not allowed, and I'm enough of a rule follower, but I don't want to get in trouble with Department of Transportation about that. Todd is right. People should consider following the Bart Simpson rule. When you have an opportunity to say yes, say yes.

Okay, so next question. We've determined a reasonable policy for deciding whether to stop, but how long should the stops be? Another reditor from R-slash road trip says they're always fighting over this in their family. This is what they say. Usually we're cannonballing from Michigan to Utah or California, and I want to get out there, ASAP.

15 minute fuel stops and back on the road. My wife wants to walk around and stretch your legs and sit down to eat. We usually compromise and do what she wants. That's called compromise in a marriage a lot of the time. Sometimes there is no compromise in a marriage, no matter the style or the flavor of the marriage. Sometimes it's a zero-sum game. Someone gets what they want and the other person doesn't. Kid Haller 55 commented on this one.

Happy wife, happy drive. Yeah, I mean, so, but also on this subreddit, dude likes his music, points out anytime my band as an out-of-state gig, we stop at least once every two hours, and it drives me redacted insane. But I've learned to roll with it and not get angry that our trips take longer. I am used to crossing Pennsylvania without stopping, so it's tough. I want to get a shout out to the people who like to do speed runs, because I do respect it. I do get it. I mean, there's a reason why I get wrapped up in the video game of Apple Maps or Google Maps or whatever. There is a weird satisfaction in getting there as fast as you safely can.

And that could be fun for you, right? So I'm not saying that you have to stop all the time and eat the foods and see the things and go to the museums or whatever. If you, people like what they like. If you like to zoom across Pennsylvania without stopping, who could blame you? What are you going to stop for? Harrisburg. Sorry, Harrisburg. Do you like that one, Joel?

Chocolate, right? Yeah, Hershey. Hershey Park. Yeah. Nuclear meltdown. There's a lot. That's a lot to do in Hershey. That's how my father-in-law rolls and he's passionate about it.

He's not a competitive guy. Yeah. He's not a, he's not an aggressive guy. Yeah. He just loves to drive and doesn't like to be interrupted. Sure. Yeah.

So to him, the greatest pleasure in the world is to just get in his truck and be in it for six hours and then leave his truck. There's definitely an inherent pleasure in making good time, as they say, particularly if you're on a route that you know really well and you know all the stops and you're not. not a lot that you're going to discover along the way. Making good time can be a really powerful, satisfying thing. One of the folks on the Grace Bailey, John, told me that his current passion is playing a long-haul trucking simulator video game. It's a European long-haul trucker simulator.

And it's just they like I have made a compressed map of the entire United States. They release maps like you like the maps are the downloadable content that you pay for yeah so they made a compressed map of the entire united states and you're just like well i got a reefer car i got to make it in eight hours but then what all you all you're doing is just driving down a road but there's scenery and stuff okay so as as much as as much as i just said that not only video games but specifically the gamifying of driving makes me anxious that sounds profoundly meditative. I totally are going to check that out. That's incredible. I definitely took pictures of my trip timer way back when in 2020 when, you know, people were staying at home

due to the pandemic and there suddenly there was no traffic anywhere, in particular in the approach and leaving of New York City, which is usually the big slowdown for the New York to main drive. Oh, that was so exciting. I really felt like I was in an I am legend situation there. Like post-apocalyptic, I'm the only guy on the road feeling. And I would make such incredibly good time and I was so proud of it. I get it. As long as you're being safe about it. But if you've got people in the car, you have to, you have to make adjustments. You have to make sure that they're getting, that they're liking what they like about it too. And so, compromises must be made.

John, did you see that this person also sub-commented, we do it so often we know exactly when we need breaks. Solo, I can bomb the 1,000-plus miles to Denver. I presume this is from Michigan. Whoa. In a day. Whoa. No.

That's got to be 15, 20 hours of driving minimum. Yeah, I mean, 16 times 6. If you're averaging 60 miles an hour is 960, right? So it's got to be 16 hours. It says last year we made it to Lake Tahoe from Grand Rapids in under 35 hours. So I guess in that case, you're winning the video game until the moment you white line fever comes in and autohypnosis sends you careening into another car or off a cliff or something. Because that kind of sleep deprivation, the brain is not built to pay good attention. attention during that. At that point, I think, with respect to the people who like to make good time,

when you're pushing yourself and you know it, you are becoming a danger to yourself and others, and that's not so good. I want to see, let's see what a popular mapping software program says it should take to drive from what was Lake Tahoe to Rand Rapids. It's not even offering me driving directions, just flights. That's how long it is. Yeah, well, guess what, Reddett. popular mapping software says at 2,108 miles from Grand Rapids to Lake Tahoe or the other way. Should have only taken you 32 hours. Sorry, slow poke. Let's take a break.

When we come back, we'll have more road trip cases. Judge John Hodgman, we're taking a break from clearing the docket. You've got some interesting things going on. That's very optimistic of you to say, Jesse, is actually pretty quiet time for me up here Maine. Mostly I'm in the library, working on some secret projects with David Reese and some secret projects of my own and recording podcasts with you. And I'm loving every minute of it. However, I just learned that the episode of Rick and Morty, for which I did a guest voice, just dropped wherever you get your Rick and Morty's. Oh, that's fun. It was a lot of fun. I mean, with animation,

you know, you record it months, if not more than a year in advance, as was this case. And I, and I didn't know it was coming out and people are enjoying it. And not only am I a guest voice on it, but so is my friend Justin Long. A little Mac versus PC reunion on your Rick and Morty. While you're checking out your animated shows, may I please remind you that the show that David Reese and I co-created and love very, very much, the wonderful light full of heart cartoon with the sort of dirty name Dicktown is available now on Hulu. If you haven't watched it before, maybe this is, you're going to be your summer of Dicktown. I really loved it. And while we're working on something new, until then,

we really hope that you will check out something that we made a couple of years ago and love a lot, Dick Town and stars me. David, obviously, we are co-stars, co-creators, as well as the voices of Weird Al Yankovic, Amy Sedaris, Zach Gallifanakis, Kristen Shaw, Jamie Lee Curtis. We've got all, all the stars are out for a night of Dicktown, which you could probably watch the whole thing in a night, too. It's not a major commitment. So please check out Hulu or Disney Plus, of all places, for Dicktown. Jesse, what's going on in your world?

This week on Bullseye with Jesse Thorne, the hosts of the television program Taskmaster. Oh, wow. Come on. Go listen to that big or watch on the YouTube channel, the big interview with the host of Taskmaster. They were hilarious as well as insightful. I don't think there's a greater demographic overlap than between the listeners of this program and the viewers of Taskmaster. So go watch that and enjoy it. And of course, Judge John Hodgman listeners already know, but I co-host the comedy podcast, Jordan Jesse Go.

And I think that if you're listening to this, you might enjoy that podcast and you should go check it out. It is a very silly, almost unrelentingly silly, very light. hearted and warm and also very vulgar and profane comedy podcast with many, many, go pick an episode with a person that as the guest that you love, you know, whatever, Paul of Tompkins or whatever. Steve Agee was just on there. Oh, Steve Agee was so, Steve Agee is one of our favorite guests of all time. Steve Agee, of course, from The Peacemaker, among other things.

Yeah, go listen to that Steve Agee episode. It was a great time. Or our friend Al Madrigal was just on the other day as well. The stars are out for Jordan, Jesse, go. And as Jesse pointed out, unlike the Judge John Hodgman podcast, there is some explicit language and adult themes. So make sure to listen with your age-appropriate boyfriend. Age-appropriate.

Twinkle, Twinkle, baby, Bobble. The stars are out. Let's get back to the docket. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket of all of our summer road trip cases. Here's one from Jen in Pennsylvania. My boyfriend is kind, supportive, age-appropriate. All of the things one could ask for.

The problem is he doesn't, is that the big three? I love age appropriate being in there. Support. Look, I got a kind supportive, I got a kind supportive boyfriend, but he's in his late 80s. Not going to work. Or he just turned 22. Yeah. Okay.

The problem is he doesn't drive. I am the driver whenever we have to leave the city. He's constantly telling me to check out that sign. or, hey, look at that deer. It stresses me out. I've asked him to keep his internal monologue to himself and not ask me to observe while I'm driving. I just want to keep my eyes on the road.

Aside from that issue, he's nearly perfect. Please issue in order for him to take driving lessons. Now, Jesse, I feel like you told me a story on our road trip about a friend who learned something about himself. Yeah, so our friend Ben Harrison, Right. A host of Greatest Trek is, you know, he's one of my best buds. And we were taking a dog walk together.

You know, we were broan out. And he was telling me about learning about ADHD, which he was diagnosed with as an adult. And he was reading a book about ADHD and really learning a lot about himself, like learning a lot of strategies that were really useful to him in his life and so on and so forth. And one of the things. things he said to me was, he said, I learned from reading this book that it's not normal when you're driving in the car with your wife and having a pretty intense emotional discussion to say, hold on a second, check out that funny billboard.

And I have never felt so both seen and indicted in my life. Oh, no. Because my entire life is, look, the billboards, and we, Ben and I talked it through, we're right. The billboard's going to be gone in a second. Yeah. You can't circle back to the billboard. You can circle back to the emotional discussion. It's a funny billboard.

You got to see it. It's a funny billboard. You got to see the funny billboard. Yeah. Jennifer Marmer is waving a finger in the air. Like a, like a tisk, tisk finger? Like she's, I. No, like, yes.

Preach. You're right. Okay. You got to stop. Jennifer Marmer, you got to stop and see the billboards is what you're saying. I mean, we can argue all day, but that billboard is temporary. Just seconds in our life. And we need to see it. I'm sand passing through our fingers. Look, there's goats. Goats. There's goats. Somebody has goats. Look at those funny goats.

Certainly we've seen goats by the roadside here in Maine. But one thing we've never seen in Maine is what, Joel? Billboards. Billboards. No billboards in Maine. Not allowed. Not allowed. One time we were driving that, what is it, Route 9 that they call the airline. Yep. And across the state, way upstate, into the deep interior of the state. And there were lots and lots of signs saying, watch out for moose.

Yeah. And I got very nervous about it. And then all of a sudden, I had to point, I was driving in this case, but I had to point out to my wife who's a whole human being in her own right. I was like, I can't believe how irresponsible these people are. there are all these signs making us nervous about watch out for moose watch out for moose and someone would erect an incredibly lifelike moose statue next to the road right there freaking me out guess what though it wasn't a statue because no one would make a moose statue it was a moose but my brain could not accept it because that thing was 35 feet tall and looked like an alien

I've never seen a moose since or before and it was it is lodged in my brain my brain my brain was just like, that is a very realistic moose statue. That is not a thing. And there it was. What were you going to say, Jesse? Can I tell you a relevant street joke? Yeah. The king and his royal gamekeeper are hunting for moose in the wild. Sure. And they're spending the whole day doing it. It's cold, snowy. They're getting more and more miserable. They still haven't pound any. Finally, it's like four o'clock in the afternoon. The sun's starting to go down. They come to this big clearing. And in the middle of the clearing is an entirely naked man. And the king swings his gun up and points it at the man. Man throws his hands into the air. He says,

Your Majesty, don't shoot me. I'm not a moose. The king pulls the trigger. Plow, guy falls down. Blood in the snow. And the gamekeeper turns to the king and he says, Your Majesty, why did you shoot that man?

He said he wasn't a moose. And the king says, I thought he said he was a moose. Best part about that joke is aside from a reminder that autocratic dictatorships are bad. Any scenario where a ruler can murder one of their, the ruled without penalty is bad.

But I also like the fact that the dude was nude. Yeah, well, I think that makes him maybe, maybe makes him more moose-like, more credibly moose-like somehow. It's true that moose rarely wear clothes. I could see the confusion there. John the King says, I thought he said. Oh, what do he say? I thought he said he was a mousse. You know what?

These things happen. So Jen in Pennsylvania, your boyfriend is kind, supportive, age appropriate. All the things, arguably the least of the things one could ask for. And if you are driving and he is distracting you, even with the funniest billboards on earth, it is within your rights to say, please don't distract me. I'm trying to get us where we need to go safely. Because driving is not a joke. It is fun.

It is easy to think that it is. It is easy, but it actually requires a lot of attention if you're doing it right. Even if you know exactly what you're doing, if it's a lot of muscle memory, you are still monitoring constantly for safety. Now, hey, look at that deer, which was another thing that Jen's age-appropriate boyfriend says. I guess I would be more forgiving of this boyfriend if he were not age-appropriate and was actually 12 years old. Then, of course, you could hardly stop the kid from saying, but given that this is a fellow adult, hey look at that deer that's a reasonable warning because you don't want to hit a deer or a moose or anything else

I mean I think he's just recognizing America's in the midst of a deer shortage it's so difficult to see a deer what's the strangest animal you've ever seen on the road Jesse I mean I I think my mom got a turtle from the road once we definitely once

like in Oregon cut the tails off of some like roadkill coyotes or something. My mom's a real weirdo. Let's roll that sentence back for a second. You're saying you were driving around Oregon with your mom. Is your mom Robert F. Kennedy Jr.? I mean, honestly, when that stuff about Robert F. Kennedy Jr. came out.

And everyone was talking about how could he, you know, freeze a dead cat or whatever that he found. I don't remember. I think he wanted to cryogenically freeze a bear cub until it could, until some future time when it could be revived. I was like, I was like, yeah, I mean, he's a weirdo. Like my mom. My mom would do that in a minute. Like, if my mom had the right cooler in the back of the car, she'd pick some dead animal up off the road and think we should freeze it. My mom was big on freezing dead animals.

I don't know what she thought we were going to achieve. like science. She's not a scientist in any way. Because among other things, she does not have the patients to count results, which is a key science skill. You know, as soon as I learned when I was like 13 or 12 or whatever, and you do the study the scientific method, that most of science is waiting and counting. Like, it's not just figuring something out. It's like once you figure it out, you have to spend a year counting. I was like, I'm out on science. And that's a total no-go for my mom.

Like, my mom could never count a thousand results from an experiment. But she is interested in the tumor that grew in the hamster. And so she's going to put the hamster in the freezer in case she can learn something about it later. She will not learn something about it later. But the idea motivates her. I was going to ask, is she collecting? roadkill for food, fur, or fun, and it sounds like research fun. Do a little something for science, as you would say.

I had a hamster in my freezer. Well, I had two hamsters in my freezer. One was a hamster who had passed away, and a pet hamster that we were trying to figure out the responsible way to to pay our respects and let it pass on to whatever next phase of the universe the hamster goes to. Probably casserole. And then I had, it was, I think it was not a hamster, but what we would call a guinea pig.

One a guinea pig. A guinea pig. Wee, we, we, we, we, we. Ah, see. I've vista photos. It makes this noise. Wee, we, we. But this guinea pig was bred and sold frozen for food.

Because in certain South American countries, it's a delicacy called cui. and I was writing about food and non-wine alcohol for Men's Journal magazine, and I was determined to try this, and I bought it frozen. I think it was in an Ecuadoran market in Queens. Forgive me if I'm getting the providence of the culinary guinea pig wrong. These are big suckers, too. These are not your pet guinea pigs.

And I couldn't bring myself to cook it. I just stayed in the freezer for a long time. It might still be there as far as I know. maybe I'll send it to your mom. It lives with Ted Williams' head now. All right. We've got one more, right? Before we go?

We have to decide the case, don't we? Oh, yeah. Don't distract the driver unless it is either a matter of life or death, or it's the funniest billboard ever. Better yet, now that you've got your phone, if you see something funny, take a picture of it and show it later. And you know what? If it's fresh, if the driver is fresh and it's early in the journey, you could say to the driver, you could say Jen's boyfriend, hey, do you mind if I point some things out? And Jen might say, yeah, fine, I can handle it.

But if it's like hour seven and you're just trying to get there safely, respect the silence. Follow the driver's lead. I got to say, I grew up in the great city of San Francisco. Yeah. My parents didn't have cars most of my childhood. Right. And when I turned 16, both of my parents were like, you can get a driver's license as long as you pay the extra insurance. And I couldn't come up with a way to come up with the $250 a month that would take to add me to both of their insurances since my parents were divorced.

So I just didn't learn to drive. And then I went away to college at the University of California at Santa Cruz. And Santa Cruz, while a lovely place is very boring. And it is hard to get out of. Yeah. Because there is a mountain range north of it. Yeah. So in order to get out of it, to get to the San Francisco Bay Area on public transit,

you have to take this Greyhound bus to San Jose, and then you switch to the train, and then you take the train to San Francisco. It's like a three-hour process. That's right. And so I was like, I better just learn to drive. And you know what I did? I went and learned to drive, and I was stunned at how easy it is to drive. I was like, and you know, you have to get over, you have to get over the nerves part of it.

Yeah. And you do, if you learn to drive, you do get over the nerves part of it. It is unusual to be hurtling forward at 65 miles an hour inside of a weird death cage. Yeah. However, the mechanics of driving are very manageable. Like, you're driving an automatic transmission vehicle. It is easy. to drive the car. After an hour, you have a sense of where the right-hand side of the car is,

the passenger side of the car is relative to the parked cars. Yep. And that's about it. That's about all you need to know. Yeah. You're absolutely right, Jesse, and you thank you for bringing us back to Jen in Pennsylvania's specific request, which is please order my age-appropriate boyfriend to take driving lessons. Presuming that he's age-appropriate enough to get a driver's license. Yes, get a driver's license, Jen's boyfriend. Get a driver's license. We've talked about this many times.

It is understandable specifically, and especially if you grow up in a city with public transportation. I got my driver's license when I was 19 because in Boston I didn't need to drive around. We have a wonderful public transportation system. Kids we know who have grown up in New York City often haven't gotten their driver's licenses until their 20s. you listen to Paul F. Tomkins, who avoided getting his driver's license until his 30s, I believe. And I love public transportation. I wish that there, I wish it was easy to get into and out of Santa Cruz on a beautiful bullet train or maybe some kind of incredible finicular. There should be much, much, much, much, much more public transportation, much, much, much less reliance on cars for all kinds of reasons. But in the world that we live in, being able to drive a car,

is a wonderful skill to have, oftentimes a life-saving skill to have. Not oftentimes, I hope, but it could potentially be a lifesaver if the person who is driving the car is incapacitated and needs medical help, and you're the only one who can get them there. Learn to drive a car.

As you say, automatic transmission only has two settings. E and Z, EZ. Learn to drive manual, too. It's a lot of fun. But if you can only do one, get a driver's license for an automatic car. They practically drive themselves. Some of them do anyway.

Not any of the ones that I buy. All right. Next question. It is hard to avoid boredom when you're on a long drive. People like to play games, license play game. So this is something about 20 questions. Oh, yeah.

When I was in university, I went on a road trip with my then-girlfriend, who is now my wife and two of our friends. During that trip, we played 20 questions. During my wife's turn, we had narrowed our guesses down to a food. When we asked, can it be a dessert food? She said, yes. By the end, we were stumped.

Okay, so the punchline here is that Evan in London, Ontario, did reveal what the answer was. I am going to tell you now, Jesse, it is not a dessert food. so I'm not surprised they were stumped. But can you, within 20 questions, guess what it is? I can try. Shall we try it? All right. Is it baked?

It can be. Is it dairy? No. Is it fruit? No. Is it a vegetable? No. Is it flesh?

It's not a dessert food. I'm sorry. What did you say? Is it flesh? It is flesh. It's a flesh food. Is it a four-legged animal? No.

Is it a bird? No. Oh, no. Is it cannibalism? No, it's not cannibalism. It's a kangaroo? No. Some animals have no legs.

Oh, is it a beast of the sea? It is. It's not a gallon of scallops. Sorry, Joel. Joel was so mad at it. Is it a fish? Yes. This is a fish.

It is probably the most popular type of fish to eat. Particularly for tuna? No. All right. That probably is the most popular type of salmon. Yes, it's salmon. What? What?

I don't know what's going on up there in Ontario. I thought it was just going to be like apples. And you're like, that's not really a dessert. And people are like, well, if you bake an apple and you put a cinnamon stick in it and you put brown sugar on it, then it's a dessert. No. Freaking salmon. Yeah. Or maybe cheese.

I thought maybe it would be cheese. And people are like, well, that's not a sweet dessert. And they're like, but it is a dessert. People have a cheese course after their meal. It's a savory aftercourse. And, yeah, of course, yeah. But no. I don't know what.

Okay. So when it was in university, Evan played this game with a triple. with his then girlfriend, I guess they are now married. During my wife's turn, we'd narrow our guests down to a food. We asked, can I be a dessert food? She said, yes, I don't know what's happening in Ontario. Maybe they have salmon cake, salmon ice cream. Could be.

Maybe, maybe because there is salmon moose, right? Yes. Maybe she got confused about that. There is that place in Bar Harbor, Maine, that serves lobster ice cream. You ever have that, Joel? No, but I have. I've heard of it. Yeah.

It's primarily known for the fudge. Jesse, you'll recall that... But they don't make the fudge there in the ice cream parlor, do they? I heard they make it around the corner. I think they make their own. Oh, yeah, that's where the fudge is made. Good point. But they sell it at the fudge shop, one of the 35 fudge shops on Main Street in Bar Harbor.

And that's the place where my wife and our daughter went in during the winter to get some fudge. And the only other person in there tapped him on the shoulder and said, You hear for the judge. Anyway, salmon's not dessert food. Evan in London, Ontario, however long ago this was, I rule in your favor,

you won, well, you did not lose that game of 20 questions. That's a forfeit on your wife, then girlfriend's part. Play it again. Do a better job. Doc, it's clear.

That's it for another episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. The show created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. Why, that's us. Our social media specialist, Megan Razadi, the podcast edited by A.J. McKean, Daniel Spear is our video producer. And thanks to Hannah Maraas for editing the video of this week's episode. The show is produced by Jennifer Marmer.

Photos from our program you can find on Instagram at Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman. You know what I just brought back, John? No. Try hard guys. That's when me and Jordan, that's when me and Jordan eat weird foods. If I just ate, I drank some coconut cream, Dr. Pepper. We drank some. Oh, yeah.

I saw that on your Instagram. We tried some delicious cotton candy flavored Fago. Whoa. And we drank some fireworks flavored sunny D. Whoa. And we are going to eat something called a muddy bear. Where are you getting all this stuff? Dollar store.

I'm going to have to send you some needums from Maine. That's chocolate enrobed around mashed potatoes. Great. Send them. For your triards. Is that on Jordan Jesse Go that you do to tryard? We've been doing that on the Jordan Jesse Go Instagram, but you can also follow my Instagram, Jesse Thorne, very famous to catch those.

We're also on TikTok and YouTube at Judge John Hodgman Pod. Also posting videos to TikTok and YouTube my own self. search for Jesse Thorne in those places. Follow and subscribe to see all of our episodes and video only content. And hey, our show runs on disputes. You can always send your disputes into me at maximumfund.org slash JJHO or email me directly, Hodgman at maximum fund.org. I do see and enjoy and read all of your emails.

I can't respond to every one of them. But sometimes I do. I love seeing them. I love hearing all of your cases, your hot, takes, your controversial opinions, et cetera, et cetera. And also, if you're watching on the YouTube, you can drop it in the comments. We will look for your disputes in the comments or wherever you can find a way to get at us. Some stuff that I would love to hear about is what is the best and the worst place to stop for food on the road? Is there a fast food chain that you think is okay to

stop at? Where would you sit down and have a meal at a chain restaurant? I'm not trying to steal a doughboys thunder here. I'm just curious to know. Don't you also recommend some non-chain restaurants that you'd like to stop while you're on a road trip? The World Cup is coming to a close soon. European visitors of states, as we've been discussing earlier, they drinking all the beer in Boston, but they're also drinking all the ranch dressing. They've become obsessed with it. And they're having their condiment souvenirs confiscated by the TSA.

Is this a true story, Jennifer Marmer? Yeah, it's a true story. True story. People are trying to smuggle ranch back to their home countries. It counts as a liquid. But is it the main liquid? Is it the top condiment? What is the most, what is the strangest food you've ever topped with ranch?

Have you ever known someone to smuggle ranch dressing into a restaurant that didn't have it because they simply couldn't live without it? That's going to be like, remember when Hillary Clinton was trying to relate to African Americans by saying that she keeps hot sauce in her purse? Yeah. I'm going to start keeping ranch in my purse. to relate to Midwesterners. Do you keep branch in your purse? Let us know what is the condiment you can't live without and would smuggle into a restaurant even if it meant,

or frankly, if you could get it past security, even if it meant you might have to go to airport jail if you get caught. Speaking of the airport, do you always check your luggage or do you always carry on? What are your arguments pro and con? Send in all your cases, maximum fund.org slash jj-j-o. if you have a dispute with someone, let us know if you have a dispute with yourself. Let us know. If you have a dispute, let us know. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO.

And you know what? If you don't have a dispute, start one. Maximumfund.org slash J.J.H.O. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network. Of artists-owned shows. Supported directly by you.