Judge John Hodgman - Sheets and Desist

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

Dan says his fiancée, Elissa, sleeps poorly and that her bedtime laptop use is to blame! But she says playing video games on her laptop HELPS her sleep! They quiet her anxious thoughts and help her wind down. Dan wants to keep all screens out of the bed. He says, “If you bring the laptop into bed, I’M SLEEPING DOWNSTAIRS!” Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Thanks to reddit user u/spinynorman82 for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at reddit.com/r/maximumfun! ---Judge John Hodgman is member-supported! Become a member to unlock special bonus episodes and more. Memberships start at just $5 a month. Just tap here!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff, Jesse Thorne. This week, Sheets and Desist. Dan brings the case against his fiancé, Alyssa. Elissa is excited about a new video game that she's been playing on her laptop. She wants to play it in bed before she goes to sleep. But Dan takes sleep hygiene very seriously. He thinks Elisa is getting bad sleep. Elisa claims the game actually helps her unwind. But Dan, Dan, wants to keep all screens out of the bed. He says, if you bring that laptop into bed, I'm sleeping downstairs. Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. They should be ashamed of themselves. I did once download that game just to see. And you have to go through like a thousand levels before you even get to one where a king is being crushed or whatever. bailiff, Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Dan, Alyssa, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? So help you, God, or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he spends every night playing Sim City? I do. I do.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Thank you. It has been a minute. since I've played SimCity, 2013, in private or on my live stream. Thank you, Dan and Alyssa, welcome to the Court of Judge John Hodgman. You may be seated for an immediate summary judgments in one of yours favors. Can either of you name the obscure cultural reference that I obscurely referenced designed to this courtroom?

Let's start with, I don't know, Dan. What's your guest, Dan? I'm going to go with the movie Hackers. I'm going to go with the movie Hackers. starring Angelina Jolie, Matthew Lillard, that other guy, and some other people, correct? Sounds good. That's right.

A question for you, Dan. Was hackers shocked at Stive is in high school in New York City, the place where my wife was a whole human being in our own right, recently retired from teaching after 30 years? Yes or no? Yes. I'll add that to your answer. All right, Alyssa.

Dan has given one correct answer and one wrong answer. I'll let you choose which is which. What cultural reference was I making? Do you know? Are you making a reference to the Pathfinder video game Kingmaker? The Pathfinder video game Kingmaker? I'm writing that down assiduously in the guest book as anyone who's watching us on YouTube can see at this very moment.

I'm not lying, am I, Joel? No, I see it for myself. Yeah, I'm writing it here in my summer chambers at W-E-R-U.org in Blue Hill, Maine. the old man on the knobs and dials across the aisles from me. Jesse Thorne is in his HQ there at Maximum Fun, and both of you are seated in a studio somewhere in the world. Where are you in the world, Alyssa? We're in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

Allentown, Pennsylvania. A place where people are famous for being wrong in this case. Sorry, all guesses are wrong. It was referring to an ad about a video game, but it was not the video game Pathfinder, and it was certainly not the movie Hackers, which is a pretty fun movie, which was co-written by my former editor

at the New York Times Magazine, Mr. Paul Tuff, and his frequent journalistic collaborator, I think it was based on an article that they had written, I should say. I'm not sure that they wrote the screenplay, but his frequent collaborator, Jack Hitt, the wonderful writing duo of Hit and Tough, wrote an article that was adapted into the movie Hackers and was filmed,

Stuyves in high school. But that was the wrong guess. I'm sorry, Dan. The correct answer was a comment on Reddit from one year ago submitted by Dizzy Mine 4-9-6-4, complaining as so many do about the misleading advertisements for a video game called Royal Match or its sequel, Royal Kingdom. You familiar with that one, Dan or Alyssa? Negative.

I may have seen some ads, some misleading ads. myself. So there are ads online that you get served by various algorithms that show gameplay that does not exist in the game. And it tricks you. Like so many online sort of mobile phone games, this gameplay involves a cute king, we're in a cute crown about to be crushed by rocks. And unless you match certain symbols, Tetris style, to free him, he gets smushed by rocks. And of course, I want to smush a king. You know what I mean? I'm not a royalist.

I want to smush all kings. No kings is what I say. And so I foolishly downloaded this thing. Of course, that's not part of the gameplay at all. And yet I still played the game. Much to my embarrassment, particularly once they started running not just online ads, but television ads.

Now, Jesse Thorne, you know me. I have no problem with an actor taking a role in an advertisement. You can do what you've got to do. Look, John, we're both noted spokespeople, you for a major computer company, and I for Expressions College of Art and Design in Emeryville, California. Exactly so. We both got that bag. But I did pause for a moment when I saw Jimmy Fallon advertising a mobile phone game on television. Not just Jimmy Fallon, they also had hired his spokespeople Courtney Cox from Friends. as well as Kevin Hart. I mean, he does a lot of, he does a lot of gambling ads right now.

And also LeBron James. These people, these people don't need to be making mobile phone ads. You know who needs to making mobile phone ads? Me. And you know what? Mobile phone game, I want to advertise one,

the one where you crushed the king finally with rocks. I'm just glad Kevin Hart's finally getting some work and show business. But yeah. So that was, that was a game that I started playing. to the detriment of my mental health and to the grand humiliation of me as a dad because when our adult son discovered

that I was playing this game, the withering stares I got from him. The worst. I just, you know what? He dug a grave and I climbed into it. Don't be playing. Look, it's a fun game. I'll tell you what, Royal Match Royal Kingdom.

You want to do some TV ads? Talk to your buddy John Hodgman. I'll crush a king for you. You don't need, well, I guess the. Probably it's better if they get LeBron James to do it. Probably more people download it. All right, let's talk about games. We're here with Alyssa and Dan.

You have a dispute for me. But first, Dan, I want to get some background here. You and Alyssa are in love, correct? Absolutely. And Dan, not only you in love, but I understand you are engaged to be married. Is that correct? That's accurate, yes. Congratulations.

Alyssa, when is the big day? November 14th this year. November 14th. but I also learned that Dan and you attended our show in Washington, D.C., a couple of years ago, the one we did with Gene Gray. Do you remember Dan and Alyssa? I don't remember. Alyssa didn't attend.

She was famously not invited to this wedding. To this wedding or to the show? So the whole event was that it was a wedding, and the day before was a bachelor party where my best friend, who was getting married, invited us to, invited me and the other bachelors to be the show that you performed at. I thought that was your bachelor party, Dan. No, that was my best friend Tim's bachelor party, and he's an avid listener.

Because that was a couple of years. I'm glad that you haven't had the bachelor party two years ago. So, uh, yeah. What do you, what, what are you going to do for your bachelor party? Go to a live taping of the daily? I bet we're going to go to Asbury Park. and play pinball and probably hang out and camp do that kind of stuff. That sounds fun.

Well, sorry, sorry ladies and everyone else. Dan is taken. Alyssa and Dan are going to get married, although that's pretty hot altogether. But you've met in person before you met on your dating app. Isn't that right, Alyssa? Oh, yes. I believe we were both at like the same punk show and Dan set off some fireworks. And I didn't appreciate it, but didn't learn that until much later.

Oh, so you discovered later that you had to been at the same punk rock show in Allentown? Yes, yeah. And actually a couple of my friends had been there, too, who I met afterwards. So it was just, I guess, a big old melting pot in Allentown, the basement punk show. Dan, you're setting off fireworks inside. It's pretty punk rock, but also kind of dangerous. Sure. That venue, there was, you know, venues that had stricter rules.

And this was absolutely a venue where there was no rules. You were encouraged to find stuff in the street and bring it in and break it, you know, air conditioners, TVs, that kind of stuff. So this was far for the course. You know what my favorite punk rock song is? It goes like this. In old in days, a glimpse of stocking was thought to be quite shocking now. Heaven knows. In Allentown Punk Clubs, anything goes?

The end. Most punk clubs, John, have a sign that says no indoor firework. This one doesn't. That's how you know. fair game for indoor fireworks. All right, here we are. This is wonderful that you guys are getting married. Obviously, it seems you're in love.

You have no disputes except for this one. Dan, what is the dispute? Alyssa likes to bring video games into bed, and she likes to play them before bed. Yeah. And I believe that keeps her up and affects her sleep. Alyssa, what is your gaming rig that you bring in bed? A 90-inch screen TV and a console or what?

Right now it's a 13-inch laptop, but it may change depending on what game I'm interested in at the time. What game are you playing in bed? Currently, it's Slay the Spire 2. Slay the Spire 2. And are you getting paid half a billion dollars to advertise buzz market this on this podcast? I am not. Dan, is Alyssa LeBron James in a disguise? She is, she has reached the highest level of this video game, to my knowledge.

It says here Slay the Spire 2 is a really. like deck building game developed by and published by unnamed company. It's similar to its 2019 predecessor, Slay the Spire 1. Players select a character to traverse multiple levels of the spire, naturally, while collecting and playing cards to defeat monsters. Is that a more or less accurate description of the game? Yep, that's correct. What, Dan, why is it wrong?

I got to interject here. I have no idea what that means. No, no, me neither. Alyssa, can you explain in plain English? Sure. So the roguelike refers to the fact that each run of the game is randomized. So you kind of can pick up random abilities. You fight random enemies.

And the deck builder part refers to the fact that you build a deck of cards throughout the game. And you're basically playing a card game where some cards are attacks. Some cards are defenses. and you use those cards to, you know, fight against enemies. But these are virtual cards. Yes, these are virtual cards. Not actual cards. Was this a game that was ever played in IRL, like Magic the Gathering?

They do have a board game version, but I've never played it. Is this a game where it is turn-based? In other words, you can take as much time as you like to decide what card to play, or is this a game where you have to be reacting immediately to what's happening on the screen and doing blocks and stuff? It is completely turn-based. I love a no-time pressure video game. Me too. Yes. No pressure.

All right. This is a popular video gaming website. It's 18 minutes of multiplayer gameplay. Slay the Spire 2. Let's go. Let's play it. So this is a guy, this is a guy with a big sword fighting a monster. and then there's another monster to his left? Is that a, is that scary green-robed skeleton creature, a monster or a good guy? Bad guy or a good guy, Alyssa?

That is a good guy. This is the multiplayer version of this game, so those are two players on the left side of the screen. And what kind of monster are they fighting right now? Do you recognize that guy? I think it might be called like a fuzzy worm, something like that. I do recognize it. All right, it's enemies turn. Oh.

Okay, here's some cards. coming. Playing clomp. Clang, clomp, clomp. Oh, I found that very soothing. I fell right to sleep. I'm sorry. Dan, this is what you listen to every night

as you go to bed? I do not play with the sound on. Oh, okay. So, Dan, what's your problem then? My problem is that I think it negatively affects her sleep. I think she would go to bed a lot earlier if she wasn't playing a video game

and then get more sleep and be bed arrested for the next day. I think this activity in particular keeps her up, and I think that's the negative part of it. How late do you stay up playing Slay the Spire, too, Melissa? I'm typically in bed by 11, I'd say. Some nights maybe 12. In bed. In bed with, who's your character? Do you have an name for your character? What kind of character do you play? No, there's five different options to play, so you just kind of choose which one.

you want to play as at the start of the round. Who do you usually go for? Who's your main? I do not have a main. I play them all. They all each have sort of different things that you can unlock. They have different types of cards and abilities. So I kind of cycle through them.

And I've been playing all of them trying to unlock everything in the game. So you're a master of every character. I don't know if I would say master, but I've gotten good because I've played it so much. And you build up the card deck. And do you take the deck with you from session to session? Nope, each session is its own run. It's a fresh deck every time. Fresh deck every time, yes.

What's fun about this game? You have, you can do different strategies. There is that random element. Seems to me like you're mostly going, sometimes it goes like, but I don't have the sound on, so I actually don't get the benefit of any of those. But each time you win a battle,

you kind of saw in that video, you can choose a new card add to your deck. There's also like different items. you can get that give you different abilities or bonuses, buff, things like that. So you can make a different deck each time. You can try different combinations of things. And it's always random what's available to you to pick. So there's a little bit of variation in every run.

It's thrilling when you can get a good synergy when you get a lot of things working together that you didn't expect them to work together. And then they all kind of come together. And you think you have a pretty powerful deck and you try to find out. So, Dan, you also slay the spire in bed. that oh no no no i slayed the spire in the comfort of my computer chair on the a different floor but you've played you've played the game absolutely all right uh and uh and so it's not a situation where elissa is really good at it and you're just jealous so you're trying to shut her down i'm trying to

deny her happiness absolutely better than me but she has logged way more hours but yes a hundred percent she is, I believe she's mastered the game. Alyssa, you get in bed at 10 or 11, then you start slaying the spire, and what time do you actually fall asleep? If I bring the game in, because I have not, I've been holding off for your judgment judge, so I have not been bringing the game into bed. But on occasion that I have, I'll play for maybe about 30 minutes to 45 minutes, and then I'll start to feel sleepy and go to bed. Dan, what evidence do you have that this is detrimental to Alyssa's? sleep hygiene and waking life? She's come up with several different episodes where she has trouble waking up in the morning sometimes

and, you know, that starts her day later. She'd love to go to the gym. And sometimes that happens or that doesn't happen. And I just see a lot of symptoms of poor sleep. And I think just removing this instance of video games in bed would increase her sleep. I really would love no phones in bed. She uses her phone to write a lot for personal reasons. I don't think she does work, but she uses that personally.

And I'd love to see her take out an old-fashioned pen and paper and write. I think that would be great. But right now we're just going to stick to video games. Are you sleeping on the sofa? Because her game playing interferes with your sleep or you're just being punitive? I would say lean towards a second punitive. I can I can fall asleep within five to seven minutes. If the lights are on, it doesn't really matter. But I can absolutely

fall asleep. So you are just punishing her for playing video games in bed. I think I'm trying to set good habits and I'm trying to enforce those habits. Good marital habits like if you don't do what I want, I'm going to go sleep on the couch, leaving you the privacy to play video games all night long. I think that's how she looks at it. Yes. How do you feel when Dan goes and sleeps on the couch, Alyssa? I don't like it.

That actually, it is very comforting for me to have him there. That actually helps me sleep better to have him next to me. So I don't like when he goes to sleep on the couch. One of the major arguments for marriage, you know, is to have someone in the room with you while you're playing a video game. Agreed. So what is your feeling? You said you did you do some research.

on sleep hygiene, Dan, what does you discover? That you should really do no phones for at least an hour or two hours before bed. Because why? I think your brain kind of gets activity. It gets woken up in scientific terms. And you're kind of, you should even like dim the lights. Any type of artificial light isn't great for you as you approach your sleeping hours. And the other part of that would be you should just keep bedroom activities should be purely bedroom activities. You shouldn't be writing or being creative or doing anything in there. It should be purely sleep in bedroom activities.

Mm-hmm. Purely sleep and bedroom activities, like slaying the spire team edition. That would be like when a husband and wife plays slay the spire. Yeah, when they slay the spire, multiplayer, if you will. So, Alyssa, what is your, if you've ever taken your eyes off your video game to even observe, how would you describe Dan's going to bed routine? How does it start? How does it end?

He'll announce that he's going to bed and he will go up and he will usually use his e-reader for 20 minutes, I'd say, and then he'll fall asleep. Doesn't that count as non-natural light, Dan? That's why I didn't, I'm not going after the phone

today. We're taking small steps here. You're just going after the game. Just a laptop? That is the focus today. So, Alyssa, this is a laptop game or a phone game, Slaid the Spire 2? I'm playing it on my laptop. How long ago was it that the laptop first came into bed? I would say a few years ago with a different video game.

And what video game was that? Slay the Spire 1. Alyssa, you love to slay those spires. Why do you hate spires so much? They're too tall. It's true. Yeah, it's a good point. Joel, you agree, right?

Spires, too tall or just tall enough? I just played the game of life. Oh, yeah, in bed every night. Yeah. By yourself. Mostly. Spread the board all over your chest. Spin that little clickety clack wheel.

Move those little cars around. I love it. So Slay the Spire won was the first problem. And was that a problem, Dan? I would have to say, That is, I've never seen Alyssa be taken with a video game so intensely than when that game came out. Tell me more. What happened? Was she up all night? Was she? Absolutely. I mean, she was burning the midnight oil. I think three, four a.m. I don't know how late she stayed up. Because like I said, she would, I would go, I can go to bed pretty easily. I don't know if the laptop always came into bed or she did that.

in a different room, that apartment might have been somewhere else. Oh, so maybe Alyssa was playing like in the living room or whatever, not in the bedroom. Correct. I don't quite remember. When did the laptop, Alyssa? I was playing in bed on the laptop, so. But that's, there are other games like that. Whenever I get a new game, that I will be more inclined to stay up later because it's new

and it's exciting. But once that novelty wears off, I use it responsibly. So, Dan, you don't even know where she was playing this game. This is obviously not disturbing you in the least. It's not disturbing your sleep, I should say. It's distracting to you in different ways.

But it was disturbing her sleep, in my opinion. Alyssa, do you think this is disturbing your sleep? No, I think it's actually helping my sleep. It's a way to turn off the overthinking and focus on something that, you know, isn't overly exciting at the moment because I've played through it a lot. I'm used to it. I'm familiar with it. And I think it helps me get to sleep better. I'm not thinking I'm not on my phone. And once I get to sleep or get sleepy, I have no problems turning it off and sending it to the side. Are you oversleeping? Are you missing appointments? Have you become a sleigh the spire to zombie? Not because of slay the spire. I will say I will oversleep. I don't normally miss appointments. It's normally just that.

the rest of my day is probably affected. I'm very tired. But it's not usually because of Slay the Spire. It's usually those nights when I'm not playing, when I'm in bed and I'm kind of lying there and I'm either too tempted to look at my phone or I'm going through all the things that made me anxious that day or that I'm anxious about for the next day. Slay the Spire is a good distraction to that. So I think my sleep is better when I do play it.

Eventually you got tired of Slay the Spire 1. You took a break. Now Slay the Spire 2. Where are you in the Slay the Spire cycle? I think I'm sort of working my way towards the end of Slay the Spire 2. I've pretty much unlocked most of what the game offers currently, but I'm still in the zone where it's fun to play, like I said, in that sort of distracting way, that comforting way.

Have you ever tried going to bed Dan style? That is, turn off all the lights, no artificial lighting in the house. you you you you you move from allentown pennsylvania to wherever uh Kelly McGillis lived in witness of the movie uh and you get up at 5 a.m. And you milk the cows. Have you ever tried it Dan's way? I have. Um, I've struggled with sleep for a long time since like my teenage years. And while like kind of those more traditional methods do help I this is the best way that I've found.

It hasn't always been slay the spire in my laptop. Sometimes I was playing, you know, Animal Crossing on my DS as a teenager. Same thing. It would just help me turn off my brain and be able to go sleep easier. As a teenager. As a teenager. Didn't that game just come out six years ago? There's been a lot of animal crossing.

I don't know when the first one came out, but there's multiple different versions. Okay, I'm sorry. Yeah, there was an Animal Crossing when I was in college and I was roommates with my friend Nathan. Oh, I didn't realize. We would write little letters to other animals. I'm confusing. Animal Crossing with Mammal Island.

The fictional Animal Crossing style video game featured in the TV show Dickdown, co-created by me and David Reese, still available on Hulu, in which my character was not a human but played an axoloddle. And David Rees was a stinky little trash panda raccoon. Anyway, that's a buzz market. Since we're all buzz marketing Slay the Spire, too, might as well get a plug in for my animated show on Hulu. Alyssa, when did you discover that video games helped you,

asleep. As a teenager. Yeah. Yep, that's when I think I got, you know, I think I've had like the original Game Boy when I was a little kid, but my first handheld system that was just mine was a Nintendo DS and that's when I started using it and realizing playing those comforting games was a sleep aid for me. And you've been sleeping and waking up and living successfully all those years?

Mostly, yes. So, Dan, what's the problem here? It's not keeping you awake. I truly am worried about my future wife and that I want her to develop good sleep habits. And I think that this would be a great foundation for that. How does that make you feel, Alyssa? Do you understand where he's coming from? And I believe it is coming from a place of care.

But I also believe that he has a hard time relating to the anxiety and the overthinking because he doesn't struggle with it, especially not, you know, in a way that affects his sleep. So I think he just maybe is having a hard time understanding. that this is something that I feel is actually helping me rather than hurting me. Alyssa, what would you fix about Dan out of care? With regard to his sleep schedule or anything else you think he does unhealthily, turn about his fair place? What habits does he have that need repair?

I think that he can be a bit stubborn. And I think that, you know, that whole punitive measurement, a measure of going downstairs to sleep if I bring the laptop up is a part of that. I think he will pick a battle sometimes and stick with it. And that might be why we are here even. That's the secret to marriage, John. You and I have been married a long time. The secret is stubbornness.

Yeah. Pick an arbitrary battle and stick with it. When Dan leaves the premarital bed out of spite to prove to make a point to you, Alyssa, how does that make you feel? Really eager to marry him? You know, at a way I'd do admire it. But, yeah, it makes me more sad. And I usually am the one who ends up folding.

I will, you know, decline to bring my laptop to bed because I would rather have him there with me. So it makes me sad when he's not there. Alyssa, Slay the Spire won and two. They're both card games, virtual card games. Yes. Have you ever heard of a Uno reverse card? I have, yes. So in the game of marriage, if you were going to play an Uno reverse card on Dan,

and have him change something in his sleep hygiene or in his habits that annoy or at least seem problematic to you? What would you? I would maybe change his stubbornness, I'd say. He doesn't always have the most open mind to listening to other people's takes or opinions. What are some other examples? Specificity being the soul of narrative. Well, this is more of a lighthearted, funny one, but he enjoys... I'm sorry, I would really prefer a depressing one. Yeah. We're really trying to bum people out here, Alyssa.

We're trying to put people to sleep here, and if they're laughing, they might stay awake. Do you like cats? Because then it might be a little depressing, because he's quite mean to our adorable two-year-old cats, Cletus. He will often ins- Oh, yep. John left as a sort of audience proxy. Mean to cats. Don't defend yourself. I can't even hear you right now.

Mean to cats. In what way, Alyssa? Not in a bad way. Not in a bad way. He will insist that our adorable two-year-old cat Cletus is an old man. And as much as I try to say, no, he's a baby. You know, he's our son.

And he will just continue to insist that he's old. And he's the oldest one in the room. This is like me telling my dog that he's thick. The reality is that he is thick. Yeah. But he doesn't speak English. So it's okay for me to say that to him as long as I'm petting him and saying it in a nice voice. Yeah, I realized when I stepped away from the microphone and discussed that I, of course, like all people, I'm a hypocrite.

Because I often call our cat thick, not, I mean, she is thick because she's a nice. she's a hefty feline, but also she's dumb. And I say these things to her face because she can't speak English either, because she's dumb. Yeah. Yeah, so maybe I'm a hypocrite there. But anyway, why is Clevis an old man and why are you mean to him? He's just, he looks crusty, he looks old, he looks, you know, he's always stretching, he doesn't have a job, all these kind of things.

And I, he's collecting Social Security. It's really annoying how often cats do not have jobs. And they could have any job. There's no laws. But Alyssa, between the laptop and Cletus the cat and Dan going downstairs, I mean, you've got to acknowledge, there's a lot happening in this bedroom that is not exactly marital, shall we say. It's not just sleep hygiene that's at issue here, right, but maybe a certain amount of intimacy. Possibly. Doesn't Dan deserve some peace and quiet

in his shared bedroom as well? I think he gets it. Well, Dan is acknowledged that he can fall asleep no matter what. Whether you're playing a video game or not or the cat's walking around on his head or whatever. But just because he can fall asleep doesn't mean the quality of his sleep is ideal.

I'm just trying to make an argument for you here, Dan. You've got no standing. I mean, I don't even know what this is about. Often when I can't sleep, I will go downstairs and play video game. until I get tired and then I come back up and then I can fall asleep. Dan, I know that you can fall asleep easily when Alyssa is playing on her laptop. But do you feel connected to Alyssa in the way that you'd like to be when the two of you were in bed but she's on the computer?

No, I think we could be more connected, you know, sleeping and then she could wake up earlier and we could do more things together. go to the gym. We could go for a walk earlier, but instead she's sleeping a little bit later than I like to get up. So we miss those three or four hours of extra time together. Three or four hours. What time are you waking up, Dan? Generally at 6.15. And Alyssa, you're waking up at 10.15? No, I think he's exaggerating here. And he also will often be going to play disc golf or pickleball or any of those things. So I'm not sure. sure where that disconnect is coming from. Yeah, but he keeps his weird games out of the bedroom.

True. They are not in the bedroom. Would you like me to rule, Dan, that you can set up a disc golf course in your bedroom? That'd be fun. Oh, that'd be incredible. Yeah. There are things called minis and like a mini basket. And I could play, you know, you get a good 18 holes in there. It'd be great. So you would want me to order the Danby less cruel to Cletus and less stubborn in his bits, I guess, is what you mean. Like, he is a bit where he is talking about how Cletus is a cranky, unemployed, lazy old man.

And he won't get off that bit, and that's annoying to you. Would that be fair to say, Alyssa? That's fair. Is there anything else that you want me to change about Dan before you guys get married? I don't think so. He's overall a really great guy. Hmm. Just the Cletus thing and the video games thing.

And then we're golden. You cohabitate currently? How long have you been cohabitating? About two years. And this has been an issue for Dan from the beginning, Dan? I would think so. I've been pretty consistent, you know, as I've done a little bit more research into sleep, that I think this is a bedstone, a foundation to the rest of your day.

And you should really put a little bit effort into getting the best amount of sleep you can. John, when Dan's not using that time between 6 and 9 a.m. to go for all thing. He's using it to build his dossier. Exactly. Dan, what would be your ideal schedule for your married life? What time would you go to bed? What would the lighting be like? What time would you wake up? What would you do in the morning? What is the ideal life that is currently missing from your marital bedroom? Ideally, it would be in bed by 10, asleep by 10.30. So at that time, maybe reading, doing whatever you want to do, writing. So being asleep from 1030 to about 6.15. And that's when you wake up and you do catch up on some news, do something physical, you know, and just get ready for the day, get ready for work and get ready to have fun. and is that a schedule that you are personally able to keep setting aside elissa not joining you for your dawn for all thing or whatever are you able to keep that schedule now or is this an and an and an aspiration for you no i think i keep that to the tea and i get almost cranky if i have to stay up to

11 or 1115 something like that but i can i mean i'll do it for fun for fun stuff yeah just to be clear but... Alyssa is not keeping you awake, right? Let me just be... Make sure I understand this. That's correct. Alyssa is not keeping you awake. You're leaving to go sleep and walk across the reflecting pond to your matching villa

where you have a California king bed of your own. That is not done in order for you to increase your sleep hygiene that is simply to stick it to Alyssa and prove a point. Sure. That stubbornness, I think, is coming out right there. Yeah, that's your stubbornness. Does your stubborn, does that track for you when Alyssa criticizes your stubbornness? Is that, is that something that you identify in yourself?

I mean, I think it's a good quality. It's, you know, you turn that around. That's steadfast. That's committed. You know, those kind of things. And then you just take a negative swing on it. I didn't ask you to stubbornly defend your stubbornness. I just wanted to know if you think that that's true.

Please repeat the question? I was stubbornly refuse. Is it true that you're stubborn? I think that's accurate that, yes, I am stubborn. What kind of things are you stubborn about? Particularly when I play pickleball, when I'm playing with a partner. So we're playing against two other people. And if my partner sees it out and I see it in, I always call it in.

I don't cheat a little bit and say, oh, maybe they had a better view of it. I almost always make the call that goes against my own team. And I think that does frustrate some of my partners that I play with, that I'm so fastidious that I was just like, I'm sorry, you were on the line. We got to give them the point. And that can you err on the side of virtue. Sure. It's being generous.

It's a game. We're having fun. And this is why you go through so many partners because they refuse to play with you because you're constantly sandbagging. Constantly switching partners. Exactly. And if I were to rule in your favor, I would find you a new marital partner, right? Is that the idea?

Someone who doesn't play video games? Please. No, no, no, no. You want to be married? I would like slay the spire on a laptop to only happen outside the bedroom. Would it be different if it were on a phone? I mean, I think that's phase two. Like, I'd love to have this conversation in a year or two where I bring this up with a phone.

But right now where I think it'd be okay on a phone. So it would be better if it were on a phone if you were playing a phone care. Yeah, personally, maybe that's being me being stubborn right now because I think, I don't think that game would be as enjoyable on a phone, but she spends her whole life on that phone. So maybe she'd be okay with it. I don't know. Not her whole life.

That was a little... Whoa. She spends her a lot of time in front of a screen. She works for... She does writing and things like that. So I think she could get used to it. You want Alyssa to have less screen time. Yes, please.

The way you would feel is if Alyssa were not a whole human being in her own right, but your own child. I'm trying to limit her screen time. I think she has to wear special glasses because she looks at a screen so much. I would, you know, some days I'll come and say, I would love to spend time with you. I'd love to do stuff, but I don't want to be looking at the TV. I've had enough screen time. And sometimes that means we both are being creative or reading books next to each other.

And I would love to do some sort of activity with you that doesn't involve the TV. And we do that when I express the opinions. You really know how to endure yourself to this court out there, shaming glasses. Yes, I have pretty good hearing and vision. I'd like to keep it that way. You really have tapped into the fact that this court hates nerds who wear glasses. Right, Jesse? Jesse, you have nice new glasses right now.

Thank you. But that notwithstanding, I can't stand these four-eyed nerds. I think that's directed at you, Joel. Yes, I thought so. Yeah. Joel's wearing glasses. Jennifer's wearing glasses. We're all wearing glasses.

Alyssa, if I were to rule in your favor, what would you have me to rule? I would just like to be able to bring my laptop and play my games wherever and whenever I'd like. How do you think you would feel if I were to rule in Dan's favor and insist upon the sleep schedule that he has designed for you? I would respect the ruling, especially to give it a try and say.

Does it improve my sleep? I already feel like I know that it's actually helping my sleep to be able to play those games right before bed, in bed. But I would certainly respect the ruling and give it a try. Have you ever tried to go to sleep without a screen? Yes, yep, I have many times. Why did you give that a try and what was that experience like for you? I've had trouble getting to sleep.

most of my life, certainly most of my adult life. So I've tried it all. When I try to go to bed without any type of a distraction, my mind will, I'll be one of those people who will think about something I said two years ago, three years ago, 10 years ago even sometimes, and get anxious and overthink, be anxious about things that happen, that will happen. I almost need a distraction, something to kind of get me to stop going to those places and turn. turn off those thoughts so that I can just go to bed without my brain running constantly. Have you ever consulted with a doctor or a therapist about difficulties falling asleep and the overthinking and the intrusive thoughts, et cetera, et cetera?

Not to get too personal, but I'm, you know. I have in the past, not recently. So possibly I'm due for another check-in, but certainly as a young adult, I did speak to a doctor about these things and tried some medications, things like that. But nothing for me has worked quite as good as, you know, my comfort video games. Did you consult with Dr. Anthony Giovinetti and Dr. Casey Yano, the creators of Slay the Spire? That's what I'm doing now. And, you know, they know their stuff.

They literally said take two Slate Aspires and call me in the morning. Alyssa, how do you feel when you're having difficulty falling asleep or you've not yet falling asleep. And you turn over and you see Dan, he's just like like, like a baby, maybe dreaming about disc golf, maybe running a little in his sleep like a dog does when he's thinking about chasing a rabbit. Do you, are you jealous? I am a bit jealous of him. I wish I could do that myself too, but I look at him like that. I'm happy for him and I think it's cute. Well, guess what? Maybe your wish will come true because maybe I'll side with Dan and force you to do it his way. I will force you to be just like him. You think that's realistic? That's, that's the

risk that I took coming on here, but I trust your judgment. Be honest now. When Dan goes downstairs to prove his point, and you're all alone with your cards and your adventurers and your monsters or whatever, isn't that a little bit more peaceful than having them look over, look at you over his shoulder the whole time? There are definitely times where I've said, sure, go down. And it has been a nice night for me. So you'd be able to play my game. And as soon as I get sleepy, go to bed. Dan, if I were to rule in your favor, what are you asking me to rule here? That all video games be played outside the bedroom.

And then what else? In bed by 10 p.m. candles are blown out. I'd like the little sleepy caps. Can we get those too? But seriously, do you want, do you want Alyssa to try a certain sleep schedule for a period of time? Sure, but I would obviously want her to come from her of what time does she actually think? she can go to bed and have a target time that works for her and a target wake up time. She currently doesn't have an alarm clock. She just kind of gets up whenever her body tells her to. Or the stinky old body of her cat Cletus.

Truly, I think she's trained him so that she can go back to sleep whenever he does come in. Because often I'll come down, I'll feed him, and then he gets, he knows that the doors open so that he can come up to get cuddles and she can fall asleep. heading him. Alyssa has acknowledged that she may be a little bit jealous of your ability to fall asleep and sleep so soundly. I have a world-renowned ability on bike trips, on anything that I can take a power nap with like, I can say, hey, guys, I need 10, 15 minutes, and I can fall asleep for 5 or 10 minutes, and then be back up and be fully energized and ready.

While riding a bicycle, even? In the middle of a bicycle. So we'll be on, you know, week-long tour. And sometimes I say, hey, I need to pull over, you know, at lunchtime, maybe I'll take a cat nap. You'll pull over, though. You're not going to take a little nap while coasting down a hill. Negative. Are you a little jealous that Alyssa seems to know herself so well and how her, how it works for her to go to sleep?

I guess, sure. I mean, I think she's being, I admire that she's being steadfast and that she has a plan. And I don't think that plan works. You know, I see her in the mornings when, you know, she's trying hard to get out of bed. And I'm just like, hey, I went to bed and I'm up at 615 and never really complain about being tired in the mornings. I am ready to go. I'm excited for the day. Dan, do you work from home?

I guess you could say so. I'm a funeral director and we live in the funeral home. How are we getting to this part of the podcast? And I didn't know that you're a funeral director living a funeral home. Didn't come up? Oh, no wonder you're able to sleep like the dead. You work with those guys. Really.

Is this a business that you inherited? Usually funeral homes are sort of family businesses. You would think, yes, this is a inherited business, but also now mega corporations are buying funeral homes and masquerading them as family businesses. So always watch out for that. Whenever, whatever funeral home you choose, try to see who, the LLC is and see where your money's going. Well, look, I know when I go, I'm calling you, Dan,

from beyond the grave. I love to have you. Telling you what to do with my body. Wow. What an interesting and challenging job. Truly, that's why I talked about having my phone. I have to have my phone in the room in case I get a death call in the middle of night. I have to be available. Oh, right. And how often does that happen? It all depends. You know, I mean, there's not a busy season, but I couldn't even put a number on it. How many times a week would you get a call in the middle of the night? Would you say, roughly speaking, ballpark? One every two to three weeks.

One every two to three weeks. All right. And how come when you get mad about her playing video games and you want to prove a point, you go and sleep on the couch instead of going downstairs and sleeping on a coffin like a cool dude? Inappropriate. Coffins are one use only, so. Okay. All right.

I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I am going to go play some Slay the Spire 2, take a little nap, and I'll come back, rested and ready to give you my verdict in just a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Alyssa, I got to guess you're feeling pretty good about your chances right now. I came into this feeling good, and I am still feeling good, I have to say. Did you sleep well last night? I actually did. Well, what was your big accomplishment in the game before you fell asleep?

I have, every time you beat a round with a specific character, you can play the next round at a harder level of difficulty. And I've reached now the hardest level of difficulty for every character. So that was my most recent accomplishment in the game. Dan, you got to be feeling terrible right now about your chances of winning this thing. I have not seen, I have not seen or heard much go your way. I agree. It doesn't look good.

I think I said, you know, I have an opinion. and Alyssa, truly, if that's what she wants to do, fine. You can go play video games. I knew going in my sleep wasn't going to be affected either way. And this is, I care about my fiance. And if she wants to hurt her sleep, that's her problem. Dan, I was about to say, what a great attitude you have about the whole thing. But now I'm less convinced. That's not an MP. That's a YP is not what I was expecting. I think he'll see that when I am free to play these games, I think he'll see that my sleep schedule will be better

and that it's actually worse when I don't have that accessible to me. So I've hoped that he'll come around. We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment. Judge Hodgman, I have something really great coming up for Southern Californians. I'm really excited about this. What is it?

There is this movie festival, this film festival, that American Cinemattec puts on that's called Friend of the Fest. Yeah. And this is a movie festival where it is films hosted by podcasters. Yes. It's not films about podcasters

with, of course, your legendary starring vehicle pitch perfect, too. But this is movies that are special to particular podcasters. And so in my capacity as the host of NPR's Bullseye, I am going to be hosting a screening

of my favorite film, A Thousand Clown. Yes. August 21st at the Los Felus 3. A thousand clowns, if you have not seen it, it's not about clowns. And I can't emphasize that enough. I worry sometimes that people think this is a clown film. No.

And with all due respect to our friends at the Illesian Theater, this is not a clown film. Shout out to Bill O'Neill and everybody over there at the Elysian doing clown work. A bunch of clowns over there. A clown film. Yeah. This is a movie about. a comedy writer who is the custodian of his 13-year-old nephew and he has to the writer has to deal with what it means to be a grown-up who has to give up some of his own autonomy in order to care

for other people that he cares about and the boy in question has to understand what it is for him to be able to be a child. And I'm not going to say that the drama of the gifted childs represented in this film are not reflective of my own experience. No. I'm not going to say I've ever struggled to take responsibility for my own adulthood rather than treating it as an opportunity for a joke or looking down on those who are too serious about everything. And I'm not going to say that when I was 13, I did not act completely like a grown-up who had to be responsible for every part of his own life because of possible semi-neglect from my parents. I will say this is an incredible, hilarious movie. It was a Best Picture nominee. It was a

best play nominee for a Tony when it was a play before it was a film. Herb Gardner, who wrote it based the protagonist who's played by Jason Robards in the film on his friend, Jean Shepherd, his best friend Gene Chepard. who folks these days know best as probably as the narrator and writer behind a Christmas story. Right. But was a legendary radiomanologist in the 1950s and 60s. And this portrayal of this character of a comedy writer who is struggling to be a grown-up and act like a grown-up was so intense that it actually severed their best friendship for the rest of their life.

It's also a film that revolutionized film editing in ways that maybe we'll talk about at this screening. But yeah, it's going to be a great time. If you haven't seen the film, you'll love coming out. If it's one of your favorite films because you have seen it, you love coming out. So I hope I'll see everybody August 21st at the Las Velas 3 in Los Angeles. All the ticket information is at American Cinematech's website. Just Google American Cinema Tech, Friend of the Fast, and you'll find it. It's going to be a really great time.

Now, I'm up here in Maine, Jesse, for the foreseeable future. And one of the things I do miss is getting a chance to walk around the corner to go see a movie. My nearest movie theater is a wonderful theater called the Colonial Movie Theater in Belfast, Maine. You ever go over there, Joel? Yes. It's terrific movie theater, but it is an hour away. So it's a little bit hard for me to go see the movies. But that doesn't matter.

Because I have the Cinema of the Mind. It's called Radio. I'm here at WERU in Orland, Maine, the solar-powered studios where I have my summer chambers each and every summer hanging out here with Joel Mann. And it's only possible because this is community-supported radio. Much like Maximum Fun is a listener-supported podcast network, WERU relies on memberships in order to continue to go. And just as we urge you each and every year to go to maximum fund.org slash join and join us in supporting the independent media that you love there. I urge you to at least go to wERU.org right now

and take a listen to all of the many, many voices. It's a radio, it's what they call a voice of many voices here in broadcasting out of Maine. It's a wonderful radio station, and we are in the midst of their big summer membership drive as we speak. So I please do encourage you to go to wERU.org, take a listen, put it into your rotation, enjoy it very much.

If you like what you hear and you have the means, why don't you become a member? WERU.org. And don't forget, become a member of Maximum Fun if you're not one already. Maximumfund.org slash join. Let's get back to the case. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom and presents his verdict. So I got to say, Dan, you might be surprised to hear this, but I am on your side. I knew you would be.

Okay, now, Dan. Easy does it. just changed my mind now. Yeah, slow down, Ace. I'm on your side, Dan, in the sense that I really struggle with sleep hygiene, particularly with the phone. And I know, I know that for my brain, whether it's playing a game or doom-scrolling the social media or just even something that I find to be as sort of vegetative and as soothing as watching clips,

you know, scrolling clips from the 1966 Batman TV show that I find so fun and funny on YouTube or whatever and just going through it. But even though that stuff is sort of similar to hotel TV, like, you know, just like background noise to me, and it feels like it's soothing, I know that that artificial light is triggering stuff in my brain to keep it awake. And obviously, the gameplay, whether it is a literal video game or the figurative video game, the predatory impulse

that scrolling through social media looking for the next thing, looking for the next hit of dopamine or a little interesting fact or the next appearance of Caesar Romero's, the Joker or whatever, that's activating

a part of my brain that is not, that may feel soothing but is actually quite active and agitating. And it keeps me up Real, real late. Or worse, I'll wake up in the middle of the night. And instead of taking advantage of that vestigial biological phenomenon of second sleep that I learned from that wonderful podcast stuff you should know, where back before we had artificial lights,

it was normal for people to go to bed quite early in the evening as soon as the sun went down pretty much. And then quite normal for them to wake up in the middle of the night and have a period of active mental activity they would might get up and read a book or or write in their journal or or even visit with neighbors who are also awake in the middle of the night this period of sort of twilight period between sleep and wakefulness that is a very creative period even when I would wake up in the middle of the night I would destroy that creative period by chasing chasing down something on am I the people by Reddit and I have worked really, really hard to eliminate that stuff from my bedtime routine.

How hard did I work? Not very hard, actually. Maybe not even two release. Maybe even half a really. Re hard. Like I promise myself, I'll only read a book. You know, and I'll only open the book reading app on my phone and read a wonderful completed book, or maybe I'll watch

an episode of a real TV show that has a beginning, middle, and end. But of course, it's all tied into that awful, poisonous light that just pours into my brain and activates stuff that shouldn't be activating. And honestly, I also am on your side, too, Alyssa, because what I'm trying to shut off in those moments is the same sort of intrusive thinking, the remembering of mistakes that I made, the worrying about what the next day brings. The phone is really good, and I know that you're not on a phone,

but I'm just using this as a similar example of taking artificial light, pouring in your eyes, and distracting your brain with something that is not productive, that is not a completed work of art, no offense gamers, but, you know, a game is a game, right? It's not a short story. I want to get letters, but I think you're going to like where I'm going with this. I'm also trying to shut down all that anxiety. I can't see how it is possible for what Alyssa is saying to be true.

That it actually soothes her, and it actually makes it easier for her to fall asleep. And that the sleep she gets is, when she does fall asleep, is high quality. It's hard for me to accept it. And yet I must. because as you will discover when you get married, if indeed the marriage goes through after this, Alyssa will not merely be your spouse. She will continue to be a whole human being in her own right.

He knows her mind. He knows her body. He's lived with both of those things for a lot longer than you have, Dan. And if it were the case that Alyssa were keeping you awake, well, then this would be a different conversation. but you are gifted with a rare gift of being able to fall asleep on a bicycle, tremendous, or at least take a break from bicycling. I know that you're not sleeping. Your ability to fall asleep is something that a lot of us, I think envy, frankly.

Because not only can you fall asleep next to someone in bed who's playing a video game, which even I would find that energy to be a little hard to sleep next to. But then you can go downstairs and apparently fall asleep in any, any, you know, in a computer chair or whatever. Even when you're angry and full of spite, you can march downstairs and fall asleep just to prove a point. That's something that I'm very jealous of. And as you meld your lives together, Dan, I need you to keep in mind that not everybody has this quality that you it's enviable, honestly. And I think that it's equally enviable that you want to get up in the morning

and you want to froth around, literally and figuratively, with your beloved. That's great. That's reasonable. And I think from time to time, it's certainly reasonable as a spouse to say, hey, let's set an alarm that's not a two-year-old cat tomorrow. Let's make a plan to get up early and go to the gym or do the things that it is that you want to do in the morning. And Alyssa, because you are part of a partnership already

and soon that will be a legally binding partnership with shared finances, et cetera, et cetera, what they call marriage, you will be obliged from time to time to say yes, not all the time, but to say yes, I will join you for that early morning pickle game. I will compromise. It is very rare.

I have not sure if you have written your wedding vows yet. But it is very rare for the wedding vows to be premised on someone's stubbornness. It is not a virtue that people bring to a marriage. Now, does that mean stubbornness itself as a vice? No. I just mean to say that now that you have been cohabitating for several years

and now it is becoming official and you're putting a ring on it, both of your fingers and everything else, it's good to revisit the fact that this bedroom that you share is going to be full of compromise for the rest of your lives together. You're going to have different sleep schedules. I mean, this is the most intimate room that you can share.

This is why it is settled law in the court of Judge John Hodgman that cohabitating or married couples should have the largest bed that their room can allow and their means can afford and ideally have separate bedrooms in separate matching villas across a reflecting pool from each other.

That's really the best way for the best sleep hygiene. Because I promise you, Dan, whether you know it or not, your sleep hygiene is going to be profoundly affected by not just this video game, but by sharing a bed and a life and a room together for until, and I'm, this is a professional term for you, until death do you part, right? Ideally.

Ideally, great way of putting it, but yeah, it is. And so the compromises don't just involve this video game. It also involves snoring. It involves farting. It involves someone wanting to hug and kiss when the other person has an early pickleball game or whatever. It involves, all of the sleep hygiene is going to be disturbed, compared to sleeping alone.

And part of the compromise is accepting that people sleep in different ways. And again, Dan, I'm on your side. I find it unfathomable to imagine playing a video game on a laptop, never mind a phone. With my head all sort of like dug into my chest as I'm poking around on my thing, how that could help me sleep. it wouldn't work for me, but it does work for Alyssa.

And so I can't rule in your favor, Dan. But I'll say this. The gavel from Offerman Woodshop is done. It's being sent to me now. This may be the last time I'm giving something away instead of banging a gavel. Because I am recording this in my summer studios here at WERU 89.9 FM,

Blue Hill and Orland, Maine, on the internet at w-er-u.org and because Joel, are you still awake? What? Yeah, okay. Because Joel has been such a help to us in WERU has been such a wonderful fixture, both in my professional and my listening life,

and it is their membership drive. I'm going to send you both W-E-R-U T-shirts that I just stole from the lobby. And I hope everyone will go and says, We are you. We are you. That's the name of the radio station. It's a community radio station.

We are you. That's true about radio stations, but not about marriage. In marriage, I am not you and you are not me, and we have different needs and requirements, and we have to meld them together. And if she's not bothering you while you sleep, let her sleep the way that she wants to sleep. This is the sound of Joel's father's gavel wrapped in a W-E-R-U t-shirt that I'm sending one of each to both of you. Send me your address and your sign. And meanwhile, I encourage everyone else to go to wERU.org and consider becoming a member of WERU

and support it the same way you support maximum fun. If you can, that would be wonderful. I rule in a list's favor. This is the sound of a gavel wrapped up in a T-shirt. Sounds like a regular gavel to me. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Dan, how are you feeling? I feel defeated, but the judge made a bunch of good points that I think I could take into this future marriage. and I can work on that and it makes sense to me. I don't like it, but you got to do what he says.

Alyssa, how do you feel? Oh, I feel great. But yeah, we got a lot of wise words there, so there's much for both of us to consider, but I'm very happy with the ruling. Well, Dan, Alyssa, we wish you so much luck in your marriage. And thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you.

Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books. with justice around the corner, but right now, send your cases to us. Yes, our show runs on beef, beefs that you have with each other, your grudges, your disputes, your hot takes, your controversial opinions, the things that you want your spouse or partner to do that they don't want to do, we want to hear about it. What other going to bed routines are wrong? Do you wear pajamas or do you sleep in the nude and which is better? We know that sneezes are not omens of evil spirits entering our bodies. Should we still? be saying bless you, or is that a rotten superstition? As of this recording,

Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey. That's right, Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey. F.U. Homer, is all Christopher Nolan from now on. Still, number one at the B.O. It's a movie that's about just under three hours long. Are movies too long? Should we bring back movie intermissions? Send us all your hot takes and your critical opinions to Maximumfund.org slash J.J.H.O. or just write me at Hodgman at maximum fund.org. I enjoy seeing all of your disputes, however big, however small, however weird, however something that rhymes as small. John, how about this?

Are our odyses too long? We'll be able to get home faster to our beautiful wives. That's right. That's right. And by the way, I'm just going to tell you right now, Zeus is not coming to your door disguised as a beggar. You don't have to let 35 suitors into your hall to eat you out of half. house and home for 10 years. That's not necessary anymore. Forget about it. Zenia is canceled.

We're going to have swift justice in a second. First, our thanks to Redator Shiny Norman 82 for naming this week's episode, Sheets and Desist. John? Yes. Thank goodness. There are still obscure Monty Python references on the internet. Indeed. Thank goodness. Shout out to Doug and Dinsdale Piranha. Join the conversation over at the Maximum Fund Subreddit. That's Reddit. That's Reddit.com. slash R slash maximum fun. Evidence and photos from the show posted on our Instagram account. That's Judge John Hodgman. So follow us there.

We're also on TikTok and YouTube, Judge John Hodgman Pod. Follow us in those places. And you know what? Follow us individually in those places as well. We're also on Blue Sky. John, what's our YouTube comment of the week? Yes, Jesse Thorne. We do have a YouTube channel.

It is at Judge John Hodgman Pod. We're each and every week. We post the whole episode, a video version of it. I hope you'll go over there. Even if you never intend to watch the YouTube, please ring it up one time and subscribe to it. It costs you nothing, but it helps us a whole lot. And we always have a YouTube comment of the week. This week's YouTube comment of the week comes from username Schwarzer Moritz, who writes,

I got to say one of the reasons I always at least dip into the pod on the YouTube are the introduction taglines they rule. Thank you very much, Schwarzener Maritz. Those introduction taglines all come for the mind of our wonderful video editor, Daniel Spear. So thank you, Daniel. Don't make Daniels work for nothing. He does a wonderful job editing these videos for us, as does AJ McKeon, our wonderful audio editor. Go over to the YouTube and please hit subscribe and leave a comment if you want to be considered for comment of the week. Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. This episode

engineered by Voice of the Valley in Allentown, Pennsylvania. Megan Rosati runs our social media, the podcast edited by AJ McKin, our video editing. editor is Daniel Spear, our producer, Jennifer Marmer. All right, Swift Justice, John, here's something from Evan. My fiancé Lori and I will be getting married in August. It's going to be a small wedding with 35 close friends and family members. Lori wants to buy a karaoke machine for the event because she's worried about the guests getting bored. I'm not against the idea, but I'm not thrilled with it. Should we get a karaoke machine? If so, should we sing a duet? If so, what duet should we sing?

First of all, Lori and Evan, congratulations on getting married. If one of you wants a karaoke machine and the other one is okay with it, then I say, get a karaoke machine. I think that that would be fun to have at the reception.

Just not during the ceremony. As for a duet to sing, anything from one from the heart of any of the duets between Tom Waits and Crystal Gale, you've got to do your best Tom Waits impersonation. Lori, whereas Evan, you've got to do Crystal Gale.

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