Judge John Hodgman - Shut Your Pie-Troll 2

Episode Date: June 26, 2013

Erin brings the case against her friend Ezra. Ezra hosts a "Bad Movie Night" at his house for their friends to watch movies, eat, and hang out. It's a popular event, but Erin says that Ezra could make the night way more fun if he just took a few of her suggestions. Who is right?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, shut your pie, troll, too. Erin brings the case against her friend Ezra. Ezra hosts a bad movie night at his house for their friends to watch movies, eat, and hang out. It's a popular event, but Erin says that Ezra could make the night way more fun if he just took a few of her suggestions. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Quote one. Quote, no matter how different we appear, we're all the same in our struggle against the powers of evil and darkness, unquote. Quote two, quote, these evil creatures can transform themselves into fleas and blood people whenever and however they want, unquote. Quote three, quote, I am your fantasy. I am your experience. So experience me. I am your pleasure. Enjoy me. This is our moment

together in time that we might turn this moment into an eternity. Unquote. Jesse Thorne, please swear them in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? Yes, I do. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? Yes. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his regular bad movie nights feature only one film, Thomas Edison's 1894 classic, Cat's Boxing? Yes. I do.

Very well, Judge Hodgman. Ezra and Aaron, you, I do. Only one of them is not from the Star Wars holiday special. Do you need to hear them again? Yes, please. Quote one, no matter how different we appear, we're all the same in our struggle against the powers of evil and darkness. Quote two, these evil creatures can transform themselves into fleas and blood people whenever and however they want. Quote three, I am your fantasy. I am your experience. So experience me.

I am your pleasure. Enjoy me. This is our moment together in time that we might turn this moment into an eternity. Which one of those quotes is not from the infamous Star Wars holiday special never released officially on videocassette. I have a guess. Should I? I also have a guess.

I will listen to Aaron's guess first. I think it's quote number two. Excuse me. Excuse me. I ruined it. I believe it is quote number two, but it was never in the special. Well, Aaron, had Ezra not poisoned the process, that would have been an immediate judgment in your favor.

But unfortunately, it is impossible to determine whose guess and whose guess influenced whom. Can either of you tell me what the quote, these evil creatures can transform themselves into fleas and blood people whenever and however they want, comes from? I cannot. Nope. No, want comes from? I cannot. Nope.

No, it comes from Troll 2. We hinted it to you from the very beginning. Well, my area of expertise is not bad movies, so I can't feel particularly bad. It's one I haven't seen yet. Ezra, can you name the character from the Star Wars Holiday Special that says, I am your fantasy, I am your experience, so experience me? I don't remember the character's name or the actress,

but is it from that hologram song thing? That is correct. I think it's like a present for Chewbacca's mother or something. No, his father. Or his father. Oh, yeah, it's his father, right, because it's a woman who's singing. I liked your... It's for... Is Lumpy the father?

No, Lumpy's the child. Mala? Mala. See, this intersects my enjoyment of bad movies and my love of Star Wars, because all those characters had to be retconned into the actual Star Wars galaxy. Yeah, look, I know. You're preaching to the

choir here, buddy. I was watching that thing when you were... I watched it on television. Okay. And then I watched it at Adam Sachs's bachelor party. And do you know, do you know? Sounds like a wild time, Judge Hodgman. Do you know which event was sadder? No.

Well, let me put it this way. When I watched it on television, I was confused and hurt and scarred for life. But it wasn't as sad as being a grown man watching a terrible movie at another grown man's bachelor party because it is a bad movie. Because, well, we'll get more into this. But that is exactly what you do. Is that not true, Ezra? Yes, we watch bad movies. How often do you do this? Ideally once a month. In the past few months, it's gotten down to be once every two months. And this happens at your home? Yes.

You always host? Yes. All right. And how many people attend? I would say 8 to 12. It can vary. Yeah. And Erin, you are a regular guest at this event?

I am. Of the 15 separate events, I believe I have attended 11 of them. 15. Or 12. 15 bad movie nights. 15 bad movie nights. Yes. 15 bad movie nights. 15 bad movie nights. 15 evenings that you have burned away, given over to bad movies because you are immortal vampires? Because I find it fun, and I think other people find it fun, too.

All right. So, Ezra, you've been holding this bad movie night every month or two months or so for clearly over a year. Yeah. For about a year and a half. A regularly stable group of people. And Erin, you attend this thing. You've attended every one? Most of them. Okay. And you guys are friends or are you in a different kind of relationship? We are friends.

That's oh, he's like the third little brother I never had. Uh huh. Yeah, this is, I, I'm not sure I quite agree with that last part, but I think we are friends.

I think this is turning good friends. I think this is turning into Manos hands of fate. The rom-com. Uh, okay. Aaron, do you like bad movies? I do not.

I would never watch them if I had the choice personally in my own time. So why are you going over to Ezra's bad movie night just to spread discord and be a jerk? Uh, no, I come over because Ezra lives very close to me. A lot of my friends come here and it's a good opportunity to see them all under one roof. And there's a potluck that is held as part of the Bad Movie Night. And I like cooking.

You get some free food? I like to cook for people and socialize with them and eat the food, seeing as they're nearby. And it's your contention that Ezra should do what? Stop holding this event or what? No, my contention is that his dedication to showing on average over three hours of films each night in a four hour event is draining and unnecessary and that it would give everyone more opportunity to enjoy the social aspects of the evening if he just showed one film or whatever he wanted that was less than two hours and that to ensure that terrible boring uninteresting movies don't make the cut

that he do a little more to curate the bad movie night. Ezra, why do you need to show two movies instead of one? Well, there's a few reasons. One is that we always make sure that the two movies are linked in some way, so they're usually on the same topic, or they were made around the same time and feel sort of similar. So I think it's more interesting to watch the two of to watch give me an example of two that you run together um well there would be uh the captain america movie from 1990 and the fantastic four movie from 1994 they were both

captain america starring jd salinger's son yes Yes. Matt Salinger. And Ned Beatty, right? Ned Beatty. Trust me. I know what I'm doing. I used to be young once. I used to be young and have fun and watch that dumb movie. Around 1990. What is your age, sir?

I am 25. You're 25. Yeah. So when I saw that movie, it was probably 1994, and it was four years old at that point. I was 23. That was a good time to watch Captain America starring J.D. Salinger's son, Ned Beatty, because knowing that that was J.D. Salinger's son

could give you a little topic of conversation around the dive bar where you were trying to avoid talking to girls for any other reason than to show off your knowledge of bad movies. Because you were scared and nervous all the time. Then you watched what? Fantastic Four?

Yeah, from the early 90s. Roger Corman? Yes. The one that they had to make contractually in order to hang on to the rights? Yes. So both of those are very make contractually in order to hang on to the rights? Yes. So both of those are very similar. I've never seen a copy of that. I don't remember. That was one of the first ones we did.

So for those of you who don't know, Ezra, can you explain to the listeners what the story is behind this movie? Oh, sure. So I don't remember some of the details like which studio it was yeah somebody no one somebody had the rights to make a movie version of the comic book characters the fantastic four i think it was i think it was golan globus wasn't it uh i don't know all right well i'll be corrected on that so i'll tell that's on me that's on me ezra don't worry about it you're not gonna get

hit on this one thank goodness goodness. I'll take this nerd pedantry bullet for you when the time comes. I'm sure I'll make many other mistakes. So the studio had the rights to make a fantastic four movie. It's around 1993. And the way the rights were set up was that if they did not

make an actual movie soon, then they would have lost the rights. Somebody else would have gotten it. So the studio wanted to keep the rights for making a movie in the future, but they didn't feel like putting the effort into making a movie in the present. So they just made a super low-budget, terrible movie, which was never released. It was made in 1984, but it let them keep the rights. And as it turned out, a few years ago, they decided to actually put the effort into making a Fantastic Four movie.

Yeah. I mean, it's an interesting cultural artifact. And to enjoy what makes that artifact interesting took us about three minutes, 30 seconds to talk about on a podcast. Right? Yes, but we didn't get to experience what the actual product was like. We talked about the movie, but for me at least, when I read that story, I was very interested in seeing what the final product looked like. Because you're a scholar of garbage? I guess I've learned a lot about bad movies since I started doing this event.

Well, you know, I said scholar of garbage, and now I feel bad because one of the things that makes bad movies so painful is that the people who are making them don't know that they're making a bad movie. And I've heard that the actors in that Fantastic Four film felt very excited that they got to be in the Fantastic Four. Fantastic Four. And obviously everyone who works on a movie set typically is a really highly skilled, trained professional who is doing their job, even when they know that what they're working on is not the best thing. So there's another reason perhaps to not enjoy a quote unquote bad movie and make fun of it because you're making fun of hardworking people. How do you answer that, Ezra? and make fun of it because you're making fun of hardworking people. How do you answer that, Ezra? I'm not going to let them find out.

Well, too late. They don't know that I'm making fun of them. If anybody who made that movie is listening, I apologize. I found the movie surprisingly charming and clearly made with a lot of love. Okay, so that's a good point. But I still watched it at Bad Movie Night. That's a good point. So did you gain something out of watching the Fantastic Four more than just appreciating how weird it was that it was made

and how terrible the special effects look, given the budget? I would say no. I mean, I had fun watching it, so I got that out of it. But I wouldn't say, purely from watching the film, there's not too much to get out of it. I was just trying much to get out i was just trying to help you i was just trying to help you i know i know because you just said you saw something that it was it was surprisingly charming and i'm just trying to help you know alex hyde white who played reed richards in that movie feel less sad if he happens to be a listener by the way alex hyde white if you're out there j Jay Underwood, Rebecca Staub, Michael Bailey Smith, Joseph Culp,

or for that matter, the great Roger Corman, who I've had the pleasure to meet. If any of you are listening right now, please, please call in and we'll get your side of the story. So you really gained nothing by watching this movie. I mean, I had fun. I think the people that were watching it had fun. I have some friends that are super into comic

books, so they were excited to see these movies. Okay, go ahead. Finish your thought. Yeah, so that's it. We had a fun time. And that's all I... That's all you care about is fun. Friday or Saturday night. That's all you care about is fun. So who are the other friends who come?

Bobby, Timmy, Alex Hyde-White, Roger Corman. Yeah, the thing. How many of them are guys and how many of them are girls? It's pretty evenly split. I'd say it's pretty even. All right.

And you guys, when you watch these bad movies, do you just sort of sit there wrapped and eating popcorn, or do you riff them like Mystery Science 3000 riff track cinematic Titanic style? We definitely make a lot of jokes. There's a lot of shouting at the screen. Yeah. I don't want to compare ourselves to those guys because those guys are real good and know what they're doing.

But we definitely, yes, and none of us are. But we, sorry everyone who comes to my bad movie night, to those guys because those guys are real good and know what they're doing but definitely yes and none of us are but we uh sorry everyone who comes to my bad movie night um but we definitely make fun of it we definitely yell at it we talk about it every once in a while something will be so crazy that we have to rewind it and watch it again give me an example uh mr t bursting in the door yes of the motel the motel in dc cab for yeah this is great the second appearance of mr t after after rocky 2 that's a good fact i was remembering the line from the end of the apple where one of the... What is it? A tops? A tops. Yeah, this random godlike character shows up for no reason and says a strange line and a strange voice,

and it was just very amusing. So we watched it several times in a row. What is that? I've never seen The Apple. This is a weird 1980 musical? Yes. It's a dystopian vision of the future in which a music producer has taken over, a music producer representing Satan has taken over the world and is slowly enslaving everyone

through music. And then at the end, there's this, spoiler alert, deus ex machina, basically where God shows up. Don't worry, I'm not going to watch this movie. You're not going to watch it? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Some of the music is alarmingly catchy. But anyway, this character, this God character, shows up in a white car and just comes out. But it's the bad guy who says that line, too. Oh, you're right.

Mr. Tops is the name of God. That's right. Mr. Tips, it's something strange. And part of the reason it's funny is because you don't even know that's his name. So the devil just says, Hey, Tops, what do you think you're doing? That was a really good impression. A lot of people wouldn't recognize how good that impression is. Have you seen this movie?

No, I'm just assuming that it's really good. Okay. I wouldn't watch this. Yeah. You shouldn't. I don't think I need to see that one either. You know what, John? There's a lot of good movies I haven't seen. that's that's sort of the thing isn't it i mean i could but but before we get to that so why two movies instead of one the thematic thing okay yeah and also um watch well okay so another one and this one surely applies more to me than to aaron is that there's a lot of these movies that I've heard about and that I want to watch. And I find that the rate at which I find a bad movie that I'm interested in watching is approximately equal to the rate that we have been watching them. And if we only watched one a month, I would have to skip a lot of the things that I'm

interested in. But, you know, when you read about them online, people write reviews of these bad movies and they often make them sound super entertaining and super fun and people say, this is a hilarious movie that has to be seen to be believed. And I say, yeah, I want to see that. So watching two lets me watch more of them.

Only later are you disappointed. I wanted to hear your time-bending argument about how if you only watched one, you wouldn't have enough time to see the ones you... What? Hey, Tops, what do you think you're doing? Well, if I only watch one movie a month, then I'm going to watch half as many movies as if I watched two a month.

If you only watch one bad movie a month, you're only going to watch half as many bad movies as you would. Yes. Right. Yes. But this is a legit, this is a legit interest for you watching bad movies. Yeah.

Well, it's a, I don't know if it's an interest or if it's just something that is fun for us to do. It's not. Okay. So let me put it this way. If my friends were not coming over and I was just going to be home on a

Friday night, I wouldn't watch the movies by myself. So I'm not like just interested in watching them. Erin, are you alone among your friends in wanting to cut this thing in half? I am not. We just spoke to a friend who regularly attends two days ago who agreed with me about this issue. I have spoken to other people who think we could use a little less movie and a little more being friends. Because you're trying to stage

a coup in Ezra's own home. And change the very nature of double bad movie night and make it single bad movie night. I don't believe that would change the nature of it, just the enjoyment in a way that would increase it. It would change it by half. It would, well, Ezra's point about only getting through half the movies

neglects that half of these movies were completely missable. And if he had done a little more to vet the films in advance, he may have been able to determine that it was not worth our time to watch Xanadu. And that we could just... Another movie I saw in the theater.

Another movie, yeah. And that we could just have one movie of reasonable quality. Because there are movies that we've watched that I've really enjoyed. I have no problem saying that. And if all of the movies were like that. What was one that worked for you? My favorite one is a film from 1994, I believe, called Tammy and the T-Rex, which stars Denise Richards and Paul Walker.

which stars Denise Richards and Paul Walker, in which Paul Walker is killed by a lion in a zoo park, and his brain is inserted into an animatronic T-Rex, which then goes on a search for revenge and love. And it is entertaining the entire way through, completely absurd, and very enjoyable. I was very upfront with my enjoyment of it at the time and have recommended it to people since. And what was that paired with?

What fine wine went with that meal? The Whoopi Goldberg film, also from the early 90s, Theodore Rex, in which she plays a policewoman in the future who solves crimes with a dinosaur. A bumbling dinosaur. Oh. A bumbling dinosaur. Oh, a bumbling dinosaur. That was one that I read the back of the VHS cassette box of and found that that was sufficient for me. Tammy the T-Rex I've never heard of. That's amazing.

I'm going to go on your recommendation and read a synopsis of it. That may be where I draw the line. I'm not sure any synopsis will be better than what Aaron just said. That is exactly what that movie is about. The best line in the entire film, which I believe Ezra and I should say together,

is spoken by a very obviously gay black man named Byron Black. And he says, hey! That's my friend's brain in that dinosaur! Which... Your attempts to turn this into your charming bad movie podcast,

your own personal charming bad movie podcast, will not be allowed further. We're busy listening to the Flophouse. Oh, don't you say their name, Jesse Thorne. How dare you speak the name of the Flophouse.

They're nice. The podcast that is put out by the very nice Dan McCoy and then the evil Elliot Kalin, my fellow Daily Show colleague, who dares, dares to nip at the heels and sometimes surpass the Judge John Hodgman podcast. That nerd shall suffer! You guys can quote that

sometime together in unison. It's true. You guys listen to the Flophouse? Nope. You should listen to the Flophouse. It's entirely up your alley. Is it about bad movies? Just trust me. It's about bad movies? Just trust me.

It's about bad movies. Now listen. I don't like bad movies. So here's the thing. I will listen to it, and then I'm going to say, we have to watch these movies. These sound hilarious. And Aaron will say, no, these sound terrible.

Why are we watching them? Well, here's the thing, though. What Aaron is saying to you is not that she's against watching a bad movie necessarily. And maybe even being open to, and I don't want to speak for you, Erin, but maybe even being open to watching two, if you curated this a little bit more properly. She's saying you're not doing bad movie quality control by vetting the movies ahead of time to make sure they're, they're worthwhile sharing with other people. So that is true. Um, I pretty much agree, but here's the problem. The problem is that I don't think it is actually possible to do that. So for example, there are movies, uh, that I've watched that I think are terrible and hilarious and super entertaining.

And I would love to show them, and I have. But that Aaron doesn't like, just because we have a difference of taste. If I knew that we could watch a movie of the insane caliber of DC Cab or Tammy and the T-Rex every month, I would happily do it. But I don't think there's a way to know what are you doing what are you doing with your lives he has a good point i mean you would have to create some sort of portable movie holding device or a vast network of data centers that connected everyone's computer just so that you could have access to movies when you wanted them i mean that's science fiction stuff judge i know i know right here in

1994 the year of tammy and the t-rex coming out and arguably the the height of the bad movie watching for fun craze that sort of thing is just impossible just getting your hand on a decent print of one of these movies much less having the necessary projection equipment at home to watch it right and then you need extra bulbs sure you know and and uh and uh uh what else do you need? Well, you need, for one thing, you need the intestinal fortitude to stay in your chair if a train starts coming right at you as soon as you turn on the movie. Just hearing your description of it makes me want to leap up in terror.

I mean, there are a lot, I mean, there's a lot of different reasons why it would be impossible for him to pre-screen these movies. He just doesn't want to take, wait a minute, Ezra, let me make sure I understand it. Are you saying that you don't want to take the time to pre-screen these movies because your time is more valuable than your friend's time? Or is it that you might pre-screen a movie and you might think it's great, but it turns out your taste is terrible and your friends hate it? Definitely the second one. Or, for example, I have some friends who have recommended movies to me. And, you know, the recommendations are super positive. They say, oh, this is a crazy bad movie. You're going to love it. And then,

you know, they may be right. Or it or it's i mean it's just a matter of taste so the thing is if we look at the movies that we've already watched i would say that about 80 85 percent of them are movies that i'm happy i watched that were fun and if i knew what my reaction was going to be to them i would still have watched them ahead of time there's only a few where i said that was actually pretty boring. I regret watching it. So, yeah. But I think Erin would say, as she has said, it's a much lower percentage.

So it's really just a question of taste. Aside from cutting the amount of screening time in half, is there any other way that you would recommend enhancing this experience such that it's not just an epic time suck? Really, the issue that I have is primarily the time that's dedicated and the fact that a lot of people

will leave when the second movie starts because that's sort of when the night's over, functionally. So it's half or nothing. Yeah, that's sort of how a lot of people treat it. How does the population decline between movie one and movie two? Unless the second movie is highly anticipated,

I would say at least half the people tend to leave before the second movie. Right. And sometimes more. I mean, whether that's because they don't want to watch it, whether that's because they have a long trip to get home or whatever. I mean, that's fine. I totally am okay with that. Look, you're a good host. You're going to allow people to appreciate the fact that you're a horrible, horrible host.

And I will unlock the door halfway through to let them out at that one opportunity. My argument is that if we were to just watch the one movie, people could come hang out a little more, uh, in a little more relaxed way before the first movie and then when the first movie's over, can talk about it, hang out a little bit and leave leisurely rather than having to start the first movie right away and then take like 20 minutes in between movies to get a little more food, catch up No, no, I know how parties work. Erin, why don't you start your own good movie party?

Because I have a very small apartment and I wouldn't want to compete with Ezra's movie time because I don't want him to... Did they change it that there's only one night a week now? Well, we have busy friends and trying to schedule them two weekends for movie nights in a month seems a little bit draining. Right. These are, a lot of these are mutual friends. Uh, what do you, what do you bring to potluck, Erin? Uh, I bring a lot of things. Uh, the last time I brought homemade empanadas with black beans and rice.

Good. I made little mini corn muffins with, or yeah, corn dog muffins. Once I've made quinoa. I've made, I mean, quinoa tabbouleh. I've made hummus. I make a lot of stuff. Yeah, I like that. Oh, I made, for Ezra's birthday, I made him mac and cheese with chili in it, which was

the one good movie night that we had was for Ezra's birthday. What movies did you watch on good movie night with mac and cheese and chili? We watched. Good movie, terrible food night? No, I'm just kidding. Mac and cheese with chili is awesome. Yeah. And one of Ezra's favorites. But it's's like the food but the meal was cheesy but

the movie was sublime what was it the movie we watched uh ezra's a big fan of christopher guest so we watched waiting for guffman and a mighty wind sure and wasn't it nice to watch good movies instead of bad movies i i enjoyed it was that too many too many good movies? Or do you stand by the double feature choice, even though those are both good movies? I think that when they are movies that are both enjoyable, whether they're good or bad, you don't feel the time suck as much. But I would argue that two good movies

is better than two good bad movies, just personally. Right. Ezra, as host, what do you offer? but I would argue that two good movies is better than two good, bad movies just personally. Right. Ezra, what do you, as host, what do you offer? You put like a box of nothing's on the table and just walk away or what?

Um, no, I, I mean, it also, you know, it depends on the month. It depends what I feel like cooking. I,

uh, will admit that I'm not as, uh, fancy a cook as Aaron. And I'm also, which not, don't think I've ever made black bean empanadas, but. So you're making empanadas with pintos, are you?

Just cut to the chase. Do you put out a big can of Pringles and you walk away, right? No, I would, I put out, so I put out food that I would call dinner food. Um, and that's because the first few weeks, um, we are the first few months that we did this event. Um, people brought food, but it was all like chips and we realized we didn't have anything like for dinner to eat. So, um, do you put, do you get like a hungry man Salisbury steak and heat it up in the oven? Is that what you're doing? It's so bad it's good, right?

Look at this. It's so disgusting, guys. Eat two of them. One is not enough. It's also from 1994, so it's really gross and old. Cut to the chase. Cut to the chase, Ezra. What do I make? Different things. I'll make

chicken with tomato cream sauce. Or I have also made chili and mac and cheese. Those are things I like to cook as well. Although never together. I love when your feet were put to the fire like, chicken! Chicken

with a tomato cream sauce! Now I know you're telling the truth. I don't remember. Alright. You guys all sit around and eat on your laps? Do you eat chicken with a tomato cheese sauce on your laps? Yes. No. Well, wait.

We eat on plates with forks that I then wash. Which are on the laps. Which I then wash that night after everyone has left. Calm down, Ezra. But you know what I'm getting at, don't you, Erin? Fork and knife food on your laps? Yeah. Come on. What's better

than that? Erin, what should he be serving? I think Ezra serves appropriate food. He and his girlfriend who live here, they cook together and they'll provide something usually very nice for

the potluck, but they do have high standards for what other people should bring and have scolded people for not bringing enough food in the past. Oh, I disagree. I disagree. No, stand by, Ezra. I want to hear the full accusation. I want to hear the full accusation. The full accusation, actually, Ezra already admitted to, is that there was a problem in his eyes the first few times the event was held,

that people were not bringing dinner foods, quote-unquote. And so he sent out an email asking people to bring foods you would eat for dinner rather than a bag of chips or some little vegetable trays or something like that. Scrambled eggs. I cannot think of anything more awkward than trying to eat chicken in a tomato cream sauce on my lap with a knife and fork while watching Xanadu. We have a table. Hors d'oeuvres, pigs in blankets.

The table is not big enough for everyone. It's a coffee table. 12 people around a coffee table? Oh, just the number of times that plate would so close to slide off my lap as I'm trying to cut that chicken. It's seriously sending a chill down my spine. All right, Ezra. Yes. You don't want to change anything about how you run Bad Movie Night, right? If I find your favor, I'm going to tell Aaron to buzz off, right? Yeah, pretty much. Now, I do agree that it would be nice if I

could guarantee incredibly hilarious, insane, bad movies. But I think I'm doing as well as I can, and I think the event is going well. And people keep showing up to it. So I think there's evidence of that. Yeah, well, they like you and they like your chicken. Aaron, you want me to order Ezra to do what

in his own home? In his own home, you want me to order himra to do what in his own home in his own home you want me to order him to do what I would like you if you find in my favor to order him to limit the time dedicated to the movies movie or movies to two hours

or one film whatever that stipulation is and to the extent possible, vet the films more closely, carefully. Have you seen The Room? No. The Room? Oh, no, I have not. And you call yourselves a bad movie club.

I think I've heard everything I need to hear. I'm going to go into my chambers and sit underneath my poster for Mac and Me. And I'll consider my judgment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Ezra, how do you feel about your chances? Gosh, I don't know. I feel like I got the brunt of the mockery and sarcasm in the argument.

But I'd like to think that in terms of pure argument versus argument that I did a good job, but I don't know. It did seem like the judge was emphasizing the fact that it's in my own home, which is true, which I'd like to think gives me a little more leeway in terms of organizing the event as I want to. But we'll see. Ezra, do you find that watching bad movies in one sitting is a cumulative experience, which is to say that you continue to get more and more value from it as the hours wear on? That is a very interesting question. Or is it possible, or is it possible that you say, oh, look at this. This movie stars Whoopi Goldberg and a dinosaur.

That's pretty funny. And 20 minutes later, you're like, I'm pretty surprised that this is still a movie. And then an hour after that, you're like, oh, my ass hurts. That's definitely what happened with some of the movies. And then someone shows you a second movie. Well, I mean, again, for the most part, most of the movies that we've watched, I've enjoyed and I thought were a lot of fun. But it's an unfair comparison though because i am the one who and is you know the most enthusiastic about it

this is your special day to be a princess to quote the bridezillas erin how are you feeling about your chances um i feel good i think i got through most of the pieces of information that were relevant to my side of the argument. Although in response to Ezra's contention that it's his home and he should get to do what he wants, I think an essential feature of the movie night is that he needs an audience to watch the films with. And so their inputs and their feelings on the issue are not inconsequential. Erin, couldn't you just rent the room that adjoins the community pool? And do what? Have your own party.

Well, again, I wouldn't want to make it some kind of terrible rivalry between me and Ezra because I want to come hang out. Here's my recommendation to you. Right at the bottom of your invitation, free empanadas. Rivalry over. You win. Did someone say free empanadas? I would probably skip my event to go to Aaron's event.

Sorry, Classic Yokel. We're trying to have a courtroom case here. Aaron, you ever make a dessert empanada? I have not. I think you should look into dessert empanadas. I think they're the best of all empanadas. You get like an apple empanada, something like that. You're using pastry dough?

What are you enclosing these things in? I made a, this was with a cornmeal dough that I made. I made something that could be described a cornmeal dough that I made. I made something that could be described as a dessert empanada. It was with a pie dough and inside was like a spicy, sweet mango filling. But they were, they were shaped like empanadas. I didn't bring that to this event though. You know, Erin, we're having a party at my house next week. though. You know, Aaron, we're having a party at my house next week. We're going to watch all 12 hours of Berlin Alexander plots. I don't know if you're out. We can talk about it later. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom. Look, I'm someone who worked in a video store

and I used to love watching terrible movies or the unintended comedy, uh, for the feeling of superiority that I could feel as a 23 year old, uh, over and above the feelingless human mannequins that actually worked on and made this thing. I could laugh at their expense to make me feel better about myself, be completely unaware of the fact that it was scraping out my own human soul. I was also someone who could really appreciate other people appreciating bad movies. That is to say, the men and women of Mystery Science Theater 3000, now Riff Trax and Cinematic Titanic, who take terrible culture and transform it through their own brilliance into something that is actually worth watching and seeing because of their comic genius. But there is a reason that bad movies are called

bad movies. It's that they're bad. They're bad. And I don't mean anything mean about Alex Hyde White or any of the cast of Fantastic Four from 1994, but the fact is bad movies are bad because they don't work. Their intentions may be terrific. Everyone involved might be trying to do a great job, but they don't work. They lack stagecraft. They lack coherence. They lack, sometimes it's competence, sometimes it's confidence, sometimes it's budget. But there is a reason that they are bad, which is they are not entertaining to watch. And the task of watching something that is not entertaining and laughing at its badness is not merely soul-destroying. I'm not going to comment on that. You're allowed to do that with your life. But it's hard.

It's harder to watch a bad movie than it is to watch a good movie. That's why you need a Mike Nelson or a Joel Hodgson or a Kevin Murphy or a Bill Corbett or Mary Joel Peel or another kind of genius to actually help you to entertain it. Because what they're adding to the experience

is something called stagecraft. And while I hate to tell a young man what to do in his own home, there is a stagecraft that is lacking in your presentation, Ezra, and your audience is starting to rebel against you. You are making a bad movie out of this whole night because you've got weird blinders on, but somehow it's all about you. And then you're not going to learn how to put on the show that you want to put on. First of all, you're making everyone sit and eat, sit down, knife and fork dinner on their laps. Bad, bad move. Second of all, you're insisting on a double feature. Let me tell you something. You're not 12 years old and this isn't a sleepover. Grownups don't want to watch

two movies in a row. Third of all, you're throwing these things on without your even having the decency to have endured them ahead of time. Which means to say, you're making your guests take a gamble that you're not willing to take yourself. And, where was I? Third? Fourth? We'll just say part D. You're not giving them a context in which to appreciate this bad movie

if it's just plainly bad. So, I will not deny you your right to hold your party, but I do order you to get better at holding parties, no matter what the theme is. There are a couple of ways that I could suggest. If you want to have a bad movie, and specifically a curated bad movie double feature night, you actually have to curate this.

You have to watch the movies, come up with something that you're going to say about them, come up with things that you're going to point out to your guests about them, and more or less make it clear that you think it's worth their time, which is valuable, to watch this stuff. Just because there was a terrible Captain America movie and there was a terrible Fantastic Four movie from the early 90s does not make a theme. Does not make a theme night just because those movies exist. In the same sense that just because those movies exist,

you have to watch them. You don't have to, but if you're going to make it interesting, you could do that. I would recommend that you listen to Elliot Kalin and Dan McCoy's and sorry, third guy whose name I can never remember. Cause I'd never met you or maybe I have and I don't remember. And now I feel even worse podcast called the flop house. Does those guys know how to appreciate movies that don't work? house because those guys know how to appreciate movies that don't work. You'll get ideas for movies to show. And I'm telling you, as much as that nerd annoys me sometimes by nipping at my

heels, that Elliot Kalin, one of the smartest thinkers and talkers about movies that I know, and he really helps you to appreciate stuff that might otherwise be unendurable or frankly incomprehensible like Troll 2. Alternately, bring your guests in on the game. Alternately or additionally, bad movies are hard to watch because they are bad. They are not entertaining to watch. Therefore, if you are not willing to cut the movie down to a perfectly reasonable for a grown-up one movie, there should be mob rule. Everyone gets a card, and when they throw down the red card, once a majority of people throw it down, that movie stops, and then it's on to the next one. And then when they throw down a majority of red cards

and that movie stops, and if both movies stop before they get to the end, next week, Aaron gets to pick the movie, and it's going to be good. It's going to be a good movie. Like Miller's Crossing or The Third Man, the best movie. The Third Man's my favorite movie!

Besties forever. I'm just really happy you said that. Well, now I'm insulted because apparently you have not been listening to this podcast for three years. I don't. Because that was a subject of one of the very first Judge John Hodgman's.

But it doesn't mean that I don't love you, Erin, just because you are an Erin come lately. Thank you. So, you hear the order, don't love you, Aaron, just because you are an Aaron come lately. Thank you. So, you hear the order, don't you, Ezra? Yes. Do you agree that my assessment of your skills as a party thrower are

fair? It's hard to hear, but... Your opinion does not matter to me. Oh, okay. They are fair. You are going to pre-screen the movies. You are going to come up with something interesting to say about each movie or else you're not going to show it. And you are going to allow mob rule to determine when those movies get stopped.

Just because you determine when they start doesn't mean that your people can't stop them at will. determine when they start doesn't mean that your people can't stop them at will. Or you will come up with another way to engage and entertain your guests as you force them to endure something that is by its nature not entertaining. And if you fail, third man movie night, your house, Aaron hosts. This is the sound of a gavel. Aaron hosts. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Aaron, are you happy with the judge's decision?

It was more than I could have hoped for. Are you already getting those red cards printed up? In my mind, yes. Ezra, how are you feeling? Well, it's tough, but I actually think the red card idea sounds like a lot of fun and certainly sounds like a way to make the event more interactive and engaging.

So I look forward to that. I have to say, I'm going to make sure to go out and buy some more tables. That sounds like one unequivocal takeaway from this. And I guess I'll watch more bad movies ahead of time and see which ones are good. I like the idea of you just going to Ikea or wherever, getting a couple dozen tables and just setting them up in all the open spaces of your home. Yeah. No more laps for any of you. Everyone gets a table. On the plus side, they're a really good place for your model train setup. Well, Ezra, Aaron, thanks for joining us

on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thank you. We'll be back with the docket in just a moment. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In.

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Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep. That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. And you get to hear the sound.

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Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun

or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go call s-t-o-p-p-b-a-d-i it'll never fit no it will let me try if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-b-d-c-o-o oh we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Hello, Judge Hodgman. I was just reading this terrible book while listening to terrible music. While watching...

What was it they wanted me to watch? Tammy and the T-Rex? No, thank you. Want one of these terrible empanadas? Yeah, I want to eat some bad food. You know what? Let's just clear the docket. I want to eat these avocados that fell in my dog feces-filled yard.

Because it's so bad, it's good. Here's something from Will. My friend and I require your expertise. Our dispute involves the 1986 movie version of Little Shop of Horrors. Near the end of the film, Seymour confronts Audrey II, who overpowers him with force and a musical number. During the musical number, Audrey tells Seymour, you got the point? I'm gonna bust your balls, before launching a vine

at Seymour's crotch. I was traumatized by this scene as a young boy, believing that the vine destroyed Seymour's crotch. My friend Jeremiah thinks that the vine just missed, and that Audrey 2 just wanted to scare Seymour. The framing of the scene makes a definitive ruling difficult, hence our need for your judgment. My stance is that Audrey 2 is clearly an amoral, murderous, sadistic plant monster who would delight in torturing the schlub who's finally standing up to him. Jeremiah argues that the film's PG-13 rating rules out any on-screen genital mutilation.

Either way, there can be no middle ground of a merely painful hit to the groin. The movie clearly shows the vine going all the way through the wall behind Seymour. Seymour's genitals are either untouched or destroyed. Judge Sean Hodgman, what's your opinion? Is Seymour mutilated, or does Audrey miss? All of your logic is incorrect, Will.

First of all, let's say the original ending was maintained and Seymour dies in Falling Rebel after Audrey II conquers the world. That would not erase the fact that his genitals had been destroyed earlier on. That does not moot the fact that his genitals were been destroyed earlier on. That does not moot the fact that he was destroyed, that his genitals were destroyed by a plant. That just makes it even more tragic. Second of all, there is no way in heck that Audrey 2 actually smashed a vine

through Rick Moranis' groin section, going through to the back wall, thus destroying him, because he would have bled out before the end of the movie. It would have been clear that he had been destroyed in a manly way, because that is a terrible wound to endure. So therefore, Audrey 2's intention may have been to painfully demasculate Rick Moranis in that film, but it is clear that that intention went unfulfilled. And by the way, everyone, Rick Moranis has a new album coming out soon called My Mother's Brisket and other love songs, which I encourage you to go

and listen to. For the man is a genius. He's been out of the public eye for some time, and this marks a big return for him. And those of us who love Rick Moranis, which is all of us, are very excited about it. Here's another case from Andreas. With my brother and a close friend, I've produced a podcast for the past six years. No buzz marketing, please. Over the past year or so, each of the hosts has gotten busier, getting engaged, having a kid, getting real jobs, and so forth. We still try to record every week. However, my brother rarely answers texts concerning potential recording times, so we often miss opportunities to record. concerning potential recording times,

so we often miss opportunities to record. On the rare occasion that I see my brother, he's constantly texting and checking his phone, so I don't think he's too busy to answer his messages. Please, order my brother to check his texts so we can record our podcast. No, I order you to read my forthcoming best-selling book, Your Brother Is Just Not Into Your Podcast. It's hard to do.

One of the keys to doing a podcast is to release it regularly. Otherwise, you will not build a listenership. And releasing a podcast regularly is hard work. And especially when it is work that gains you no money, it is even harder to convince yourself to tear yourself away from your many interesting texts and status updates

and actually go and see your brother and talk to him in a microphone again. It may be that you need to talk to your brother and see whether or not he really wants to do this anymore. And if the answer is anything but yes, of course, I will mend my ways. It's time to close that podcast. And maybe it's time for you to start a solo podcast. Either

way, I guarantee you the world will not notice, but you'll have a good time. Maybe if you have a case for the judge, John Hodgman podcast, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. We are always on the prowl for new cases and judge John Hodgman himself reviews every single submission, no matter how good, bad, or indifferent they may be. If you want to name a case, follow us on Facebook and like us on Twitter. I think I got that right. And when we ask, just offer your suggestion. Our thanks this week to Arlen Golden for naming the case. If you tweet about the show, use the hashtag JJHO. You can email us at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. And if you go to

MaximumFun.org, you can check out all our other cool podcasts. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. That is all. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith

and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfund.org and our Facebook group at facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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