Judge John Hodgman - Small Claymations Court

Episode Date: March 17, 2025

Brian brings the case against his wife Cheri and their daughter Lauren. The family has a long-running joke where they declare who is the Gumby. That’s right, Gumby. The mid-20th century claymation cartoon. Brian says that he is the Gumby of the family. But Lauren and Cheri disagree. He’s Pokey, AT BEST! Who's right? Who's wrong?Lauren and Cheri have visited Judge Hodgman's Court before. If you haven't listened to them in Mr. Commode's Wild Ride, you are in for a treat! Lauren's newsletter Podcast The Newsletter is at podcastthenewsletter.substack.com. Subscribe for podcast news, interviews with folks in the industry, and thoughtful recommendations! We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman!Thanks to reddit user u/heyyou11 for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at reddit.com/r/maximumfun! MaxFunDrive ends on March 28, 2025! Support our show now and get access to bonus content by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I am Bailiff Jesse Thorne and guess what? It's Max Fund Drive time. We're going to have some big Max Fund Drive fun later on in the program. But for the time being, just know this is the one-time year when we celebrate Max Fund members and ask you to become a Max Fund member. This show exists because folks like you support it at $5 a month, $10 a month, $20 a month. You can find out more and join now at MaximumFun.org.

Now this week, small claimations court. Brian brings the case against his wife Sherry and their daughter Lauren. The family has a long running joke where they declare who among them is the Gumby. That's right, Gumby, the mid 20th century claymation cartoon. Brian says he is the Gumby of the family,

but Lauren and Sherry disagree. He is pokey at best. Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. Don't tell me to enter the court, headshot, okay? I do what I want to do. I'm Judge John Hodgman.

Damn it, everyone loves me. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, swear them in. Lauren, Sherry, and Brian, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God or whatever? I do. I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he himself is a blockhead? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he himself is a blockhead? I do. I do. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. How dare you. How dare you, Mr. Mustache, Lauren Sherry Bryan. You may be seated for an immediate summary judgment and one of your's favors.

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom? So let's see, it's Lauren and Sherry of yours favors, can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom? So let's see, it's Lauren and Sherry versus Brian. Is that correct? It is two against one here in Judge John Hodgman. Daughter and mother against husband slash father. Lauren and Sherry, since you're bringing the case against Brian, why don't you go first?

What's your guess? I mean, I gotta go with what I said last time, which is that episode of the Brady Bunch when they go to Hawaii. That episode of the Brady Bunch where they go to Hawaii. And when you say last time, that's because you've been on the podcast before. We'll talk about that in a moment.

If people don't immediately recognize your voice and you will be reminded in a moment. Sherry, I'm gonna give you your own guess because your daughter's wrong. So what's your guess? I'm thinking when Leave It To Beaver buys, Beaver buys a blouse for his mother and it says ooh la la on it.

It's, it was, yeah says ooh la la on it. It was, yeah, I think that was it. Leave it to, when Beaver buys a blouse for his mother. Mother's Day or something. And it says ooh la la on it. Judge Hodgman, have you never bought a blouse for your mother? I mean, that's the hottest Leave It To Beaver episode.

It is. And the kinkiest that I don't, I was going to say that I can remember, but I don't remember it at all. I'm glad to say I don't remember a lot of Leave It to Beaver. Subscribe to my OnlyFans for more Blast for Your Mother content. You think that my quote, I'm Judge John Hodgman, damn it, comes from Leave It to Beaver.

Okay, all right, Sherry, all right, Lauren. I have a feeling, Brian, that you can steal this one. Do you wanna hear it again? Don't tell me to say it again, headshot. I do what I want. I'm Judge John Hodgman, damn it, and everybody loves me. Definitely from the littlest hobo. Oh my God, Brian.

Yeah, the Canadian children's television program about an adventuring dog. The long 10,000 seasons, 10,000 Canadian seasons. Solves a problem and then runs away. Solves a problem and then runs away. Well, there is a theme in that you're all citing sources from the 20th century, some closer to the mid 20th century than others, but all guesses are wrong.

Come on, Jesse Thorne, who was I quoting? I presume that you were quoting Eddie Murphy as Gumby from Saturday Night Live. Eddie Murphy as Gumby from Saturday Night Live. Oh, man. Should have got that. We really, one of us should have gotten that. Well, I know and I was prepared to ding you once you said, oh, it's Eddie Murphy from Saturday Night Live.

I was going to go, well, which, which specific episode? Guessing that you would not guess. December the 22nd of 2019, when Eddie Murphy came back to reprise his famous role as a cantankerous former movie star named Gumby on Weekend Update with Michael Che and Colin Jost. And that's when Eddie Murphy, I think ad-libbed calling Colin Jost headshot, which is I think the funniest diss that I've heard in quite a while.

Gumby still got it. Calling Joe's headshot. That was his nickname for him. All right. But in any case, you're all wrong so we get to hear this case again. Hey, Lauren, do you know what song is in my mind right now? Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room. See? Now, if that had been the cultural reference,

you would have gotten it. Yes. In the Tiki Tiki tiki tiki tiki room because as we were warming up all our microphones and cameras, you were singing that, I'm not gonna say incessantly, I'll say delightfully. Oh, thank you. It's a very catchy tune that hearkens back in some respects to your first appearance

on the Judge John Hodgson podcast when you appeared with your mom, Sherry, to discuss what, Lauren? My mother was making their quest that I flush her ashes down a toilet in Disney World when she dies. Flush her ashes down the toilet at Disney World. Yes.

One of our great cases. And you were opposed. And Sherry, I ruled against you, correct? I said, no, you can't flush your, you can't ask your own daughter to flush your ashes, not even down a toilet inside Disney World, if I remember correctly. You wanted to do it discreetly in an on-site hotel.

Was that right? Penashalus, yes. Oh, a specific hotel? Well, it was a penashalus request. Oh, yeah, penashalus, yes, that's right. It was in any, yeah, it was in panache-less request. Oh, yeah, panache-less, yes, that's right. It was in any, yeah, it was in a hotel, but not in the park. I thought that was-

Panache-less is the new Mickey parade at Disney World. Oh, no. It's replacing Fantastic. Oh, no, it sounds so grim. No, okay, sorry, I misheard you there. That was all right, yes, yes. And I ordered that there be a disposal of ashes with some panache.

Specifically, what was the panache that I ordered, Lauren? What did I order you to do? Well, first you said that I would have to run a Disney half marathon and in a Tinkerbell costume and mix it with the glitter and throw it on people. And I was really excited about that. And you said, I'm just kidding, absolutely do not do that. Yeah, you can't throw your mom's ashes with glitter,

mixed with glitter on people. Even if your mom is Rip Taylor. I really like that one. No, but then you said that I could put it in one of the fountains in the Magic Kingdom, which was kind of like, and it had some panache, but no one would have to clean it up and you are supposed to throw things in fountains, so it kind of like, it had some panache, but no one would have to clean it up and you are supposed to throw things in fountains,

so it kind of was a happy medium of our... Yeah, I think specifically the Snow White Wishing Well. Yes, yes, yes. Off to the side of the castle, which is a nice quiet spot, by the way, if anyone, depends on how the sun is shining that day, but if you need a little quiet and shade at Disneyland or Disney World, that's a good spot to go.

We were just in the Magic Kingdom recently, and I made my mom take a special visit so she could check it out. What did you think about that, Sheri? Your final resting place you just saw. Mm-hmm, yep. I'm still a little bitter about it. Your daughter wanted to give you a preview

of your own death. I had to check it out. I still, I don't know. I guess I have to go by your ruling, but. I didn't win either. I wanted the Jungle Cruise, but I loved it. I don't know. I guess I have to go by your rolling, but. I didn't win either. I wanted the Jungle Cruise, but I loved it. I love the solution. Here's the thing.

If you try to put some ashes, if you try to dispose of some ashes over the side of the Jungle Cruise, you're going to Disney jail. There's no way no one catches even that. You're right, Laura. Yeah, that's right. I so wanted to do it.

Can I put someone else? John, can I put your ashes down in the Jungle Cruise? Like I just wanna do it. I'm not your mother, no. No, I'm spreading Judge John Hodgman's ashes at the Waterworld stunt show at Universal Studios. Oh, that's good. Underrated masterpiece, underrated masterpiece.

One of the wettest masterpieces indeed. But Sheri, you have beef with the court of Judge John Hodgman. You feel that you were wrong. I'd like to appeal. All right. Let's hear this before we get into this Gumby thing. Okay. I just really feel that this is really gross, but you mentioned like how I would clog the toilet with my bones and... I'm not saying, I'm not saying that you necessarily have cloggy bones, madam. I just don't, don't, I don't want, can't you just take a little teaspoon of my ashes?

It doesn't have to be my whole body. Sherry, I'm not afraid to say it. Your bones are cloggy. You got cloggy bones. No, she'm not afraid to say it. Your bones are cloggy. You got cloggy bones. No, she's not. I'm just saying that the potential when you're putting foreign matter down at toilet, even at the fanciest brandest newest resort, like the panache lists resort at Disney, the magic kingdom or whatever, you know, you could be clogging

something up and one of the rules of the judge Sean Hodgson podcast is be mindful of the work you leave for others. If you don't want an overflowing toilet, overflowing with those cloggy bones. But you're still fighting, boy Sherry, you're still fighting this. You're still gonna be mixed with the waters of the Magic Kingdom. You still will help the flowers bloom and grow.

I respect your judgment and I'm- Well, I don't know, It doesn't sound like it. I do. Well, I don't respect it, but I will. Mom, mom. I don't win a case here. Look, your mom's under fake oath. I appreciate her candor.

No, I follow. I will follow the ruling though. Well, I mean, you won't have any choice. I'm sorry to say. I mean, unless you write it into a binding will and you find someone else to execute your plan. Yeah, which I mean, you'd have to disown your daughter and I don't think you should, she seems nice. If you're out there and you don't want to have cloggy bones,

just don't swallow your chewing gum, spit it out. So Sherry, if we're not here to relitigate the past and your future death, which I'm very glad to see you happy and healthy, or at least healthy seeming. I hope happy, I hope you're as okay as possible in these strange times. And I hope that you live for a good long time. But we are here for something, and what is it?

What's the dispute now, Sheri? Since Lauren was a very little girl, we all love Gumby. But Brian would say, I'm the Gumby of this family. And we would argue with him because we all felt that we were the Gumby. We used to all argue that we were the Gumby, but as Lauren has matured, she's turned into a really fine Gumby. And, and I, all I know, all I know is that he is, he's not Gumby. And all I know is that he is not Gumby. He's not Gumby and he's just not, I'm sorry. I mean, it's a big point of contention in our family.

He will not admit that he's not, he's pokey. He's not Gumby. All right, well, we'll get into it. But for those of you who maybe aren't watching on the YouTube channel, Judge John Hodgman Podd, you should get over there and rewind a little bit to see Lauren's facial reaction when her mom says she's a very fine,

she's grown to be a very fine Gumbi. Lauren, can you explain to the listeners and viewers who might not know who Gumbi is? There are probably some people who don might not know who Gumby is? There are probably some people who don't even know who Eddie Murphy is at this point. Gumby is kind of like everybody's best friend. He wants the best in the world.

He's just good, always doing the right thing, you know. He's also green and made of clay. If we're gonna get back to the basics. Oh yeah, and he has like a head that's kind of misshapen. An off kilter head. Yeah, an off kilter head. He's very bendy, you know? And he was inspired apparently by the gingerbread man.

The creator of Gumby's wife suggested that Gumby look like the gingerbread man. Hey, show respect, say his name, Art Cloakey. Yeah, Art Cloakey, the cloak. Big C originally made him to look like the gingerbread man. He has a sort of swooping head in honor of Art Cloakey's father's hairstyle in a particular old photograph.

And he has big wide feet that make him look like his feet are, you know, flared blue jeans, because for practical reasons, because otherwise he would fall over while that we're trying to do claymations. And he was in a series of stop motion claymation animated shorts. They were very popular in the middle of the previous century. Before we get into this, Brian, you're the first person to have started this fight way back when you claim

to be the Gumby of the family. What does Gumby mean to you, sir? Gumby, Lauren said Gumby wants to be everyone's friend, but he's also a problem solver. So he gets in disputes. He's always the person that's going to come through for the solution. He doesn't hold ill will even when ill will is coming towards him. And I just, as Lauren and I were watching,

I thought, you know, I hate to say it, I'm a lot like Gumby. And what did you all, what did you, Lauren and Sherry, think when your dad started claiming he was Gumby? You just accused him of being the pokey. What does that mean to you, Lauren? I always thought Gumby's the best, we all agree. I always thought my dad was pokey.

I always thought I was just- May I be perfectly honest with you right now? Yes, you don't think he's the best. We don't all agree that Gumby is the best. Okay, okay. I'm just saying. In our family, we're all vying for the crown of Gumby. You know that old saying, right?

Gumby for thee, not for me. Oh. It's never been for me. You always say that. John is a big goo, the blue mermaid guy. It's not just that though, because so my dad's pokey. I always thought I was a little kid. I thought that it just meant he was slow.

That's it. I wanna see what everybody, what my mom has to say about him. You thought, you called him Pokey because he was slow. On his own schedule, like behind everyone, like slow to get ready for things, not in a hurry, and of behind schedule also. Sherry, is that a, is that part of the Pokey character or just a reflection of the name Pokey?

Well, I agree that Pokey is not someone to dislike. He's Pokey because he's of the adjective Pokey. He's he's always making us wait. He's the last person to arrive. But I never said he was a blockhead. Also, I have I have to say, when my dad was explaining who he thinks of when he thinks of Gumby, I could sense the shift from when he started

just talking about himself. Like he, at the end, towards the end of that, he was referring to himself. Like he wasn't even thinking about Gumby anymore. He's like, yeah, and Gumby, you know, really like has goodwill for everyone. And, you know. Sort of like if I had said like, oh, Gumby, he's green.

He sort of looks like a gingerbread man with an unusually shaped head. He's a big San Francisco Giants fan. Exactly, exactly. I saw the shift. I don't know if anyone else noticed that. Well, you know, what your dad described properties that he ascribes to Gumby,

which include being a problem solver, having a good attitude. Isn't that right, sir? What else did you say? Good attitude, problem solver. I think he was talking about himself. Well, obviously he says he's the Gumby, damn it. Yeah.

Brian says Gumby puts out positive vibes even when he's receiving negative vibes Gumby, damn it. Yeah. Brian says Gumby puts out positive vibes even when he's receiving negative vibes. Yes, thank you, I appreciate that. That's another detail. I mean, Lauren, Sherry, I'll ask you in that order, is Brian accurately describing himself? Set aside the Gumby versus Pokey. Is he, does he give good vibes

even when he's getting bad vibes? Is he a problem solver? Is he everybody's pal? Yes or no? I would say my dad's a problem solver. All right. For sure. I'll give him that. All right.

The vibes are dependent. The vibe situation's always quite dependent, I would say. On what? Whether his wife and daughter turn on him, then he might not necessarily give out good vibes? Yeah, yeah, that's one thing. Yeah. Sherry, would you say that Brian is a problem solver? He's a problem solver, yes. I'm getting words from, I'm getting a word in my ear from our producer, the wonderful Jennifer Marmer saying Brian, Brian solved a problem off mic right before we were recording.

Is that true? Lauren, when you were singing in the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki room and putting that earworm into my head, was your father solving a problem? Yes or no? Yes, unfortunately. Brian, what is the problem that you solved? I know that Gumby isn't a braggart, but what tell me, but he is a problem solver. What's the problem you solved? There was echo and we couldn't trace it down to the maximum fun studios.

Was it in Philly? Was it a breakthrough? And I said, just turn off the echo control and then it fixed it. He's Gumby, damn it. Got to be Gumby. Now, listen, kids, when I say I'm Gumby, damn it, or he's Gumby, damn it. Gotta be Gumby. Now, listen, kids, when I say I'm Gumby, damn it, or he's Gumby, damn it, this is a reference

to Eddie Murphy's inversion of the character. Because Gumby was so sweet and friendly, and Eddie Murphy's version of the character was old and mean and cantankerous, and his catchphrase was, I'm Gumby, damn it. And I don't normally, that's not explicit, I don't think that's gonna get us the E on the podcast list, the explicit badge, and his catchphrase was, I'm going to be dammit. That's not explicit. I don't think that's going to get us the E on the podcast list,

the explicit badge, but I got to say it because eventually I'm going to make all three of you say it. It's the most wonderful time of the year, Judge Hodgman. Every spring, we get together to celebrate Maximum Fund and celebrate the listeners and specifically the members of Maximum Fun during the Max Fun Drive. It has been a long, cold, challenging winter, but spring is here and it's time to have some Maximum Fun.

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and what makes Maximum Fun such a wonderful kind of collective endeavor. That's absolutely right, Jesse. And look, creators across all facets of entertainment, they need support in order to make their art. And I've always said that if you love a thing and you have the means to support it, the best way to support it is the way in which you are asked. It's one of the principles of Judge John Hodgman. Helping in the way that you are asked to help is the best help, and we're asking for your help right now. The Max Fund Drive is the two and only two weeks a year that we make this request,

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I'm sure we're gonna get letters of people defending Gumby. And if it's your favorite, that's fine. I'd love to hear why. It's kind of beautiful. I love- It's iconic. I mean, they're iconic looking characters for sure.

Yeah, and it is a remarkable idea that they exist in this weird interdimensional space where everyone talks very slowly and the problems are extremely low stakes and everyone can pass through walls. Did you all watch Gumby together, Lauren? Was it important to you or was it just part of the background of your cultural context? I actually don't remember watching. I was so little, but we had a friend that really liked it.

And I think it was more like, I don't know much about him, but I know I'm him and I want to be him. It was coveted position. Sherry, who would you say is the Gumby of the family? Lauren. I'm Lauren's the Gumby. And who are you? I'm the blockhead.

I'm the blockhead. All right. This is the second or of the family? Lauren, I'm, Lauren's the Gumby. And who are you? I'm the blockhead, I'm the blockhead. All right, this is the second or third time we've heard the blockhead term and that's another, it's a pair of characters, right? From Gumby, who are the blockheads? There's more than one blockhead,

but I am one of the blockheads. I don't know, the blockheads are the villains probably and the people that caused trouble. You're the villain, Sheri? You're causing trouble? I cause trouble. Yeah. I don't know. We all have to be somebody.

Oh yeah. I forgot you wanted to clog up all the plumbing at Disney World with your bones. Are you the blockhead with the G on its head or the blockhead with the J on its head and is there a difference between those two blockheads? Which one do you think I am? I don't know, I never really, I'm not sure. You've always struck me as a G blockhead.

Oh, okay. That's sweet. All right. Sherry, can you give me an example of blockhead behavior in which you've engaged? Well, I think Brian would say that I've just, I cause trouble wherever I go. Where I would have anything, anything that's what I'm doing, it causes more work for the whole family.

I just mess things up a lot. I do. I really do. Well, I won't let you say that about yourself, Sherry. Brian, you explain why your wife messes things up all the time. Yeah. What kind of trouble does Sherry, Sherry the blockhead G or J cause for this family? She does not cause trouble all the time, but she does. Not all the time. As people like to say, she marches to her own drummer. So everything's kind of kind of be down her path. I'm getting word from our producer Jennifer Marmer who's been over there at

this website gumbyworld.com. The block heads according to this website quote, they know only one way to do anything the hard way often at someone else's expense and usually at Gumby's expense. Does that describe your mom Lauren? I would say no. I would say no. I would say no. All right. I also hear from Jennifer Marmer that these distinctions with regard to Gumby.

Gumby has both feet on the ground, but his head is in the clouds. His focus is on doing what is right and good. Because of his faith and following his heart, everything always works out for him. In the end, where Gumby is idealistic, Pokey is skeptical. Where Gumby is trusting, Pokey asks questions. Does that mean Pokey has a podcast?

Does Pokey have a far right podcast? Just asking questions. Just asking questions. Just asking questions. Oh no. Gumby has both feet on the ground, specifically because if he didn't, again, because of the claymation, the character would fall over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you need to have those sticky big Gumby feet. Gumby is skeptical. I don't know, Lauren, do you still feel that you're the Gumby? And are you dragging your skeptical dad along? I think, okay, so for years, my whole life, I wanted to be Gumby. And then recently, I was home for Christmas, and my mom casually mentioned,

she said, you know what, I think you're Gumby. And I kind of didn't process this. And so in January, she was over at my house in Philadelphia. And I said, wait a second, mom, I just let this pass by that you called me Gumby. She was like, yeah, actually I think you're Gumby. And she started praising me or whatever.

And I was like saying, actually, I think you're Gumby. And I was like, suddenly I didn't want to be Gumby anymore. When I started to see things as they are, which is that my mom is Gumby. So it was this very strange moment where we were temporarily fighting over, now I thought my mom was Gumby. Anyway, what we have decided is-

Oh, you both agree that Brian is not Gumby. That's all we can agree on. So I don't actually care who is, but my dad is not Gumby. I think it's my mom. She leads the whole family. Would you say, Lauren, that claiming to be Gumby is an un-Gumby-like claim.

Hmm. Would Gumby say to you, look, I'm not a Gumby. That is so true. Man, after fighting over this for 41 years, we never thought of that. And you and I learned our selflessly saying, no, it's you, no, it's you. It's true.

No, it's just Gumby and I being our authentic selves. Like... It's not me saying that about me or Gumby thinking that about himself. It's the two of us just being us. Brian, I'm told that you have, that you keep a ledger with regards to the family. Can you explain what that's all about? Not Gumby like, it's not very Gumby like dad.

I do have a little book that I just, you know, some infractions. I'll just keep track of what kinds of infractions are we talking about? Oh, it could be anything. It could be, well, by no means should you ever give me any examples. Late being late. examples. Late being late. It sounds like maybe you don't want to talk about the ledger of family infractions that you've been keeping with regard to your beloved wife and daughter on a public

podcast. Is that possible that you don't want to get into the details of the crimes that you've been enumerating against your family members all these years? Why track the crimes if you can't recapitulate them in public, Brian? Oh, they're just for me. They're just for me. Petty, one might say. Brian, how long have you been keeping the ledger of infractions? I'm on my third book.

So it's been years. They're little books and they're just little. Lauren, what are you down in your dad's black book for? What have you done? I can think of a good example of something that would get me in the book. I would do something that would cause the smoke alarm to go off.

That's a good one. And dad would, if the book, often the book, he doesn't carry the book around, but he just puts his hand out in front of him and makes a little weird face and a pretend pen and kind of looks at it like he's writing down what I'm doing. And that's all he has to do for me to know I'm in the book and then he'll bring it up for the rest of my life.

Remember that time that you left, you made the smoke detectors go off and I'll never hear the end of it. So there's things, the reason we can't think of examples is because there's so many and they're all, everything we do basically is in the book. Are you allowed to look at the book or is it just as Brian says for him? He said that he had one. I only see when he's pretend writing in it

and then takes it back and puts it in the book. Brian, when you pretend to write in the book to give Lauren or your wife a reprimand when you're miming writing in the book? Do you then remember it and go back home and actually write in the book or is it just all make-believe? I often then when I get to my office, I take out the book and write it in there. Write it in, okay, sure.

Not all the time, but the smoke alarm one is in there. At first, Judge Hodgeman, I imagined that this book determined whether at the end of the year the Christmas stockings were full of coal or tangerines. Yeah. But then I realized- Those are the participants as far as I'm concerned, but go on. Then I realized that if they make it to the end of the week

with no entries in the book, they get a pizza party. Ha ha ha! No, no, no. Ha ha ha! Sherri, have you ever been written up? Oh, day, every day. Every day? Something happens every day, right?

You're not in the book every day. Or something, I can think of one that would get Mom in the book. Because, like, she puts something in the refrigerator in the wrong way. That's a good one. I remember when that happened. I don't like that at all.

I'm definitely writing that in my book right now. I have to say, Brian, when you think of Gumby, do you think of Gumby taking out his little pad and writing down all the things that his friends have done wrong? Gumby is always preparing for the Festivus airing of grievance. All laugh Well, we don't know that.

We don't see that side of Gumbi, because he's always solving problems and living his life. But you're saying... So you think that off screen... All laugh On screen, Gumbi is solving problems, showing kindness to others, whether or not they're showing kindness to him, passing through walls and waiting for Pokey.

But off screen, he's keeping a list of grievances and errors that others have made because he is a paragon of perfection. He's not hurting anyone with it, but doesn't everybody have that day that you just go home and you sit in that big chair that his dad was in in the one episode? You plop down in the chair, get your book out, and just write down a couple things that Pokey did.

No one does that. No, that's not a normal thing to do, I wouldn't say. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it in the future now that I have the idea. His dad has a name and we should address him as such. His name is Gumbo and his mom's name is Gumba. Oh God. Gumba and Gumba.

Do I understand that Gumby is an only child? Jesse Thorne, is there any information on that in your GumbyWorld.com reference? I'm looking at GumbyWorld.com here and it says he's a member of the Only Children Super Smart Afraid of Conflict Narcissist Club. Yeah, well, okay. That's Lord. Now I'm starting to like this guy. Yep. Another thing we have in common.

Sherry, if I were to rule that Brian is Gumby, just hypothetically speaking, says here that you will be pissed off. That's the quote I have. We'll just never hear the end of it. You know, if that's what you want to do to our family, then... Lauren, I want to get back to this moment that your mom referred to you as Gumby. So this started when you were a kid, right? Yeah.

And are you an only child like Gumby? I am. This is getting better and better. All right. No wonder you have a podcast newsletter. I know. Oh, that's true. Lauren does have a podcast newsletter

called Podcast the Newsletter, available at podcastthenewsletter.substack.com. Is that correct? Yes, thank you for bringing it up. Absolutely. I'm very excited to read it. Also, I have a sub stack Hodgman.substack.com. Just saying, but point is, so and you're an adult now and over all these years, you've always wanted to be the Gumby. And then it was only recently that your mom said, you know what, you're the Gumby, and now you don't want it anymore.

What did it mean to you when your mom said you're the Gumby? What happened? I realized what it meant to be Gumby, and I really started to think about it. You know what, I didn't realize this until we were talking to Jennifer, your wonderful producer. It was like she was our family, much needed family therapist. And I realized that for

41 years, almost 41 years, this had been a competition. And I really didn't watch Gumby, but we all wanted to win. We're very competitive. And then when I really started to think, wait, who is Gumby? Who is the kind person? And I think my mother is a problem solver who, you know, always wants the good for everyone, you know, also a leader. She has the soul of the family, the beating heart of the family. I've realized that that is who I actually believe

deserves the Gumby crown, not me. Who among the three of you has their head in the clouds? Good question. I think that's also my mom. Yeah, I would say so. Feet on the ground, but head in the clouds. Yeah. It seems to me that you've really found

the crux here, Lauren, which is that it's not so important to be like Gumby, but that each of you wants to be the star of the show. Is that true? We wanna be the star of the show. Is that true? We wanna be the star of the show. We wanna be the winner of everything. We wanna be the winner of everything. Everything is a competition with the three of us, I think.

Like we also, I think this is an important detail. If anything goes wrong in my family, we have to assign whose fault it was and talk about it for the rest of their lives. Like it's very like vengeful, like vendetta driven. Yeah, we're all very, so I feel like it was more of a, this has to be determined. We have to determine and this is why we're here. We need this to be solved, determined, named, and we all want to be the leader. I think it's a leadership thing. I think we all want to be the leader.

Brian, Sherry, what do you think about Lauren's breakdown of your family dynamic? Does it make sense to you or no? That's accurate. That's pretty good, Laura. Yeah, thanks. So Brian, Sherry and Lauren, you've come to this court and I'm gonna rule and one of you

is going to be the Gumby forever. Please explain and make a final argument as to who you think is Gumby, damn it, and why. I'll start with you, Brian. I'm Gumby, damn it, because I really am everyone's friend. I really want to solve all the problems and I want resolution to be that everyone can be happy. All right, Sherry, I'm Gumby, dammit, because. Oh, you don't believe you're Gumby even? I don't care, dammit, I don't care.

Which of us, Lauren or I, we can share Gumbyhood. I don't care, but I just don't want, but I'm just saying Brian is not Gumby, because for the rest of our lives, if you rule in favor of Brian, you're pretty much ruining our family. Ruin our family dynamics. And Sheri, would you say I've already done enough damage

by robbing you of your preferred last wishes and the disposal of your body? I'm okay with that now. Lauren, you've heard your dad's argument and your mom's plea that whatever happened, he not be Gumby. Because he cannot be trusted with the Office of Gumby. He is ungum-bi-able.

You now must say, I am Gumby, dammit, because, or some, another sentence that you choose. My dad is not Gumby, dammit, because Gumby would not call himself Gumby and Gumby would not have a little ledger. So again, just a negative argument against your dad for Gumby. not have a little ledger. So again, just a negative argument against your dad for Gumby. But someone is, someone must be Gumby and it cannot be.

Yeah, who's gonna be Gumby if not your dad? You gotta give me someone to vote for, not just something to vote against. Okay, I mean, then it has to be my mom. She raised me, I wouldn't even be here. She gave birth to me, she's Gumby. Yeah, but Gumby, as far as I can tell, is not only a child, but an only child.

Yeah, it gets tricky, that's true, but it doesn't matter. Symbolically, she's the Gumby. I'll be the blockhead, I'll do it. I will do it, I will be the blockhead. I can be a blockhead, we can all admit that. Dad, but dad's pokey, that's why. You know it's not a requirement that each of you have admit that. Dad, but dad's pokey. That's why. You know it's not a requirement

that each of you have a name. Yes it is. Yes it is. Oh my gosh. Yes, yes it is. You all must be a Gumby character? Yes, yes. Historically speaking,

this is we've been arguing about this very thing. This is like sunk cost. Like if we don don't decide, like, what have we been living for? Why can't one of you be Sparkle the Dragon? What's the dragon's name again? Prickle. Why can't one of you be Prickle, the yellow dragon that drives a car? I will be Prickle.

Dad can be Prickle. Mom can be Prickle. Dad can't be Gumby. Uh-oh, bad news. I'm Prickle. You can't be Prickle. Dad can be Prickle. Mom can be Prickle. Dad can't be Gumby. Uh-oh, bad news. I'm Prickle. You can't be Prickle. Ugh. I called.

Ugh. And what does Nopey the dog say? How does it sound? Nope. Just nope, nope, nope. Is that what it sounds like or nope, nope, nope? Let's go to the tape. All right, I got it now.

Thank you very much. I think I've heard everything I need to make my decision. I'm going to pass through this wall into my chambers. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Sherry, how are you feeling about your chances right now? Anxious, to tell you the truth. I'm feeling a little anxious

because this is gonna determine the rest of my life. It's gonna be, it's a big decision. Yeah, are you feeling like you abdicated for yourself well? This judge isn't always, doesn't always go the way you hope. So, I've been in his courtroom before. It's bad timing to criticize the judge right now. He's not here. He's so right.

He's in his chambers. He can't hear us. He's in his chambers. Brian, how are you feeling? I feel like that book may have taken me down. I don't. They were sure to get that in with Jennifer. I think that that book is a hard one to explain.

Has anything in this recording of Judge John Hodgman potentially made it into the book? Definitely. Lauren, how are you feeling about your chances? I mean, not very confident. I feel like we, I didn't get to paint a portrait enough. I think it would just take too long to explain why my dad isn paint a portrait enough. I think it would just take too long to explain

why my dad isn't a Gumby. Well, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment. It's Max Fun Drive 2025. We are celebrating springtime with good vibes, cool drinks, and positive attitudes for a refreshing start to a new chapter in our lives. Yeah. Max Fun Drive, you already know, Max Fun Drive is the way we are able to bring the show to you. That's what your membership supports. But it's also two weeks of a lot of fun, I must say. For example, once you become a member,

you get access to a member's exclusive bonus content feed, which obviously includes our very popular members mailbag episodes that we're releasing once a month now, plus fun collaborations across the network with Jesse and I guesting on the greatest trek and all the fun stuff that we do together. And there's gonna be a beach party, right Jesse?

We created the ultimate Judge John Hodgman beach party in video and audio form. Yes, that's right. We went to the costume store. You get to see John Hodgman in his tropical robes and me and my nautical bailiffs outfit. Unfortunately, there was one outfit that had really short, short, shorts,

but I wasn't able to find it in my size. I tried really hard. I did a lot of like reverse Google image searching to try and find this short shorts nautical outfit in my size. So I'm wearing standard length shorts, standard shorts, but I still look pretty cute. You still get a pretty good look at my gams. Yeah. Look, those of you who are already upset that you don't get to

see the depths of Jesse's thighs, relax because you definitely get to see my bare feet at this beach. Yeah. Hodgman put feet on Maine. We started drinking those tropical drinks that Ben Harrison from Greatest Track, our bartender made for us. And all of a sudden Hodgman's feet were on Maine. I was buzzed, which I don't even drink, but just tasting all these tropical drinks set my head spinning and we answered your tropical vacation disputes

while also playing tropical vacation bar games that Dan Telfer came up with for us. And by the way, it turns out, John, yeah, I'm super good at those. You are, it was incredible. It was incredible. And even a little buzzed and friendly. Even a little buzzed. Yeah.

I really, I felt like a French teenager whose parents just decided that they're allowed to have wine with dinner. We truly had such a great time at the Judge John Hodgman Spring Break Beach House Party. And you can enjoy the whole fiasco simply by becoming a member right now at MaximumFun.org slash join. Along with literally hundreds of hours of other bonus content, including, as John said, our new monthly members only show, The Membo Mailbag, which is a great time.

I promise you that. If you wanna hear us get nuts, check out The Membo Mailbag. It's also a show, but we get nuts. You can also get real physical things if you become a member of maximumfund.org. For example, if you join at the $10 a month level, you get the bonus content, you get a letterpress Max Fund membership card, which is beautiful. It is signed by one of the members of the Maximum Fund Cooperative. And

you get to pick one of our gorgeous enamel pins. These are a favorite every year. They're designed this year by our friend, Tom DJ of Bossman Graphics. 42 pins from 42 shows, each representing the Max Fund shows that you love. And you get to pick whichever one you want, right Jesse? Ours says, like what you like.

I think that is a sentiment that is universal. One of our greatest judgments on the judge, John Hodgman podcast. And if you like the judge, John Hodgman podcast, we hope that you will take the time to go to maximumfund.org slash join. But John, it's spring break. And I'm going to need spring break accessories. Can Maximum Fun help me? Absolutely. When you're looking at my naked and dare I say beautiful feet over there at the spring break Judge John Hodgman

Beach House, you will see that I am luxuriating them upon one of the most astonishing beach towels I've ever seen in my life. That's right. It's the MaxFun Drive Spring Break Beach for the Stars towel that you get automatically when you join Upgrade or Boost at the $20 a month level. And hey, if beach towels aren't your thing or you've got too many beach towels already, that's fine.

We've got an incredible MaxFun bucket hat. Just put it on your head, block the rays. It's got that classic Max Fun rocket ship on it. I believe Jesse Thorne, you were wearing it for part of our Spring Break special? I was. It's beautiful and wonderful. I stole it from our managing director Bickrum.

He had it on, I beat him up and took it. Yeah, that's right. I bullied Bickrum. No, I didn't really bully Bickrum. He let me have it. And if you kick it up one more notch, you get the full beach set at $35 a month. You get the hat of the towel plus the membership card and the bonus content and so on and so forth. Plus, plus our MaxFun can cooler

to keep your moxies cold for the beach. Yeah, it's this beautiful, they call it the coolest cooler bag and I agree with them. It's designed by artist Paul G Hammond to pair perfectly with that beach towel for the stars. The bag can hold eight cans. It has a sturdy top and shoulder handle and the wildest pattern that we could imagine,

including a hidden nutsy the squirrel. You'll be going to the beach in Max Fun style, dressed to the nines and protected from that horrible sun. And you'll know as people walk by and say, hey, why are you so cool? It's because you became a member of Maximum Fun at MaximumFun.org slash join. Look, you get all kinds of stuff

when you become a member of Maximum Fun, but most importantly, you get that good feeling every time you listen to Judge John Hodgman because you know that you are the person who is making it possible at whatever level you can afford. I know, look, I know the power of this community. I'll tell you why it's because I put out a, a, a charity challenge grant

at the beginning of the year, thinking that I might raise five or $10,000 for charity, we ended up raising as of right now, as we record this $293,000. So I know that this is an audience that really cares about the things that matter. I know that you care about this show, and I'm hoping that you'll go to maximumfund.org slash join to join us. Because we have this platform,

we're able to do good for others. Al Oltralotto is just one example of the incredible generosity and spirit of the Max Fund community, but also, and I've said it before and I'll say it again, it is such an honor for us, Jessie and I and Jennifer and the whole team to keep you company in those long overnight shifts. Or when you're driving across country, maybe bringing a kid to college or dropping a kid off at school,

or when you're just sitting there being a librarian or a graphic designer, as so many of our listeners are. It's such an honor to be there with you and especially to provide a little bit of light in what tends to be a whole lot of darkness these times. And I just want to say thank you for being a member of this community. Thank you for being a supporter. And if you haven't been one yet, now is the time to do it. Go to maximumfund.org slash join right now. It's my personal request to you to join, to upgrade, to boost, to give a membership, to

look at all of those fun things you get at those different levels, to be a part of the community, and to help us in this spring break period of renewal to sort of get some new light and fresh air into this world so that we can reengage and reenergize ourselves for the year that is to come. Maximumfun.org slash join. John, I love all this altruism that you're talking about. And I'm sure that a lot of altruistic people

are gonna go to maximumfund.org slash join. But I'm gonna give two simple reasons to become a member at maximumfund.org slash join. Number one, that insane beach towel. Because you're gonna be at the beach and these hunks and babes are going to be out there at the beach. They're going to be like, Whoa, who was this person with the beach towel?

I want to be friends with them. They're going to be saying family family program. So I want to be friends with them. They're going to be friends. Anybody, anybody with that incredible of a towel, this towel, truly. It's like a, it's like a rainbow vomited Max fun. It's incredible. It's incredible. It's breathtaking.

But the most important reason to become a member of Max Fun, and this is one that applies at all levels from $5 on up, video of Judge John Hodgman's feet. Ultimately, this is about feet on main. You need to watch this Spring Break episode and you need to see them tootsies. If this thing isn't on WikiFeet by the end of the Max Fund Drive, I'm going to be very disappointed in all of you Maximum Fund members.

I don't want to be disappointed. No, I have complete confidence in the Maximum Fund members in putting my feet on Maine. Jon, this is a special time, a special opportunity to not only support the shows that you care about the most, but also to see the Tootsies that you care about the most at MaximumFun.org slash join. Please join us.

Free the feet, MaximumFun.org slash join. Please join us. Free the feet, MaximumFun.org slash join. Please join us. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. So I spent most of my time in my chambers looking at videos of Nopie the dog. I love this dog. That's a good use of time.

I mean, I can't believe that I never knew about Nopie the dog. I mean, cause I truly noped out of Gumby right away. First time I ever clapped eyes on this guy. I was like, this is not for me. Yeah, Nopi is wonderful. And Nopi, you know, I guess I am a little bit more cynical, Pokey style, but I'm definitely Nopi in a lot of ways.

And I like, if I knew that there was this counter character to Gumby and Pokey's sweetness, maybe I would have watched the show. Maybe I would have understood why it would be important to your family or any family that you each claim one of these characters. And you know, as, as Brian talks about his claim to Gumby, the Gumby that he describes is more interesting than the Gumby that I would see on screen. I would never wanna be Gumby.

Gumby is kind, caring, adventurous, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what else? Gumby is boring, insipid. Tricly is the word I wanted to use. I love Brian's idea that Gumby has a secret life, where after he's helped all his friends, he goes from his extrovert to his introvert phase and has to sit alone in a room and write down all of his frustrations.

That's human. Gumby is not human. That's why the Gumby, the Eddie Murphy Gumby impersonation is funny because he took this insipid character and gave him anger and depth arguably. And it was fun. I mean, I think that it's true. The Gumby we see on screen would never keep a ledger like Brian keeps. But the Gumby that lives in Brian's head? Well, frankly, that's a character I'm more interested in.

But it's not the Gumby that exists. Humans are more interesting than Gumby. than Gumby. You three are all humans. Using the logical law of syllogism? I don't remember if I'm getting this right, but the point is you must all accept you are all much, much more interesting. I know that you've liked Gumby for years and years, but I'm here to tell you,

you three of you are so much more interesting, funny, eccentric and wonderful than that kid Gumby ever was or ever is. I don't know why you would want to be Gumby other than I guess a lifelong family feud where one of you has to come out on top. Lauren, earlier you were like, Gumby is the star of the show and you're all very competitive. But here's something interesting. One characteristic Gumby does not have, he does not do whatever

it takes to win. He's a nice guy who shares, you know, like, the truth is none of you are really Gumby, you're whole human beings. That's why we love you. That's why we want you on the podcast. I wouldn't want some piece of clay on this podcast, especially if he was an only child and then it turned out he had a sister, the liar. So I can't understand exactly why these characters are dumb. Sorry, our legacy of art, Cloakie. I mean, you brought a lot of joy to people's lives,

but it is very, very hard for me to even like every time I think about which one of you should be the Gumby, I feel like I'm doing all three of you a disservice. And I do think that you should set this aside and realize you're not Gumby. You're Brian, you're Sherry, you're Lauren. That said, if I am forced to choose, and you have asked me to, if I am forced to insert myself into your family and ruin it again, there's only one person I know of the three of you who would run a half marathon dressed to Tinkerbell throwing glitter and her mother's

ashes in people's eyes. To me, that's the definition of having your head in the clouds and your feet on the ground. You know, I have to say, when your mom said, you're Gumby now, what an incredible thing for a mom to pass on to their child. This however ill-considered title of familial respect claimed back and forth among parents and finally bestowed upon you, Lauren, I think that not only is that a great gift from your mom, it is one that you should not shrug off. You're the Gumby, Lauren. Whoever was the Gumby before, as said in the movie Captain Phillips, you're the Gumby now. And it's obvious to me that you all have Gumby qualities.

We isolate the good qualities of Gumby. You're all kind, you all care about each other. You all have eccentricities that are lovely and funny and interesting. Brian, your thing about the ledger is a little creepy, but I'm gonna class that off as an eccentricity. Because you own it so funnily in such a nice way. I do think if you have not already,

you must open the books to your wife and daughter so they can see what their infractions are and share some of their favorite ones with the podcast at some point in the future. That is the least Gumby-ish of you, Brian, but you all have the good Gumby qualities. And you all share the best quality of not being as boring as Gumby. I have to say that it is so sweet that your mom passed this title on to you, Lauren, and it's so hilarious, Brian, that you reject,

you reject this wonderful gift and want to reclaim it for yourself. But since you all have good Gumby qualities, I think the answer is very clear. Lauren is Gumby. No one is Pokey. Brian is Gumbo. Sherry is Gumba.

It's the Gumby family. And I am, nopey the dog. Nope, nope, nope. This is the sound of a gavel. I am Gumby by gum. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Lauren, how does it feel to be a Gumby?

Uh, I'm going to Disney World. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Sherry and Brian, it must be nice to have raised a Gumby. Shouldn't you be saying Gumbo and Gumbo? Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Oh no, I'm in the book. Can't even get it right. As gumbo, I think that was beautiful. Beautiful. You know, Lauren, some people go their entire lives

without ever hearing from their parents that they've come to be a fine gumby. I know. ever hearing from their parents that they're fine, they've come to be a fine company. I know. Lauren, Sheri, Brian, thank you so much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thanks, it was fun to see how you pull all this together.

Thanks for having us, that was great. That's another Judge John Hodgman case. John, I'm gonna put this in my little black book of classic Judge John Hodgman case. John, I'm going to put this in my little black book of classic Judge John Hodgman episodes. That's a good book though, right? Not the bad book. Yeah, yeah. This is a list of work that I'm proud of. I am proud of it too.

It's so nice to visit that family again. I'm also proud that we work for the members of Maximum Fund. So if you're already a member of Maximum Fund, thank you so much. You're the greatest. If you're not and you've listened through this whole episode, now is the time to go to MaximumFund.org slash join and become a member of Maximum Fund because you get all kinds of cool stuff, but also, you know, the world is a mess, but you can directly support the things that make your life better like this. You can try it out just at $5 a month.

Just give it a try. See how it goes. Get all the bonus content, get all of our members only member mail bags that we've been releasing over the past year. Get the incredible spring Break Beach House special that we recorded the other week. You're gonna get it in your bonus content feed along with the good feeling that you know

you're supporting a network of podcasts that you love owned by its creators and an organization that is owned by its employees. It's really important to us that you're there. It's the only way that we can keep the show going. So I'll echo my friend and bailiff, Jesse Thornton saying once again, maximumfund.org slash join. I guess this is a partnership, right?

Like John and I are partners in Judge John Hodgman. All of the employees of Maximum Fund are partners in Maximum Fund. Even more than all of that, we are in partnership with you. It is your support that allows us to make this program. And like we're aware that, you know, we give everybody this show and we're glad to do it. But the reason that we're able to do that

is because so many of you go to MaximumFun.org slash join and choose to support the work that we do. Like you'll get special stuff. Don't get me wrong, you will get special stuff. But the thing that keeps this operation running is not people who are anticipating getting special stuff. It is people who are choosing to join in partnership with us, in making something that makes their life better.

So thank you so much to everybody who's already gone to maximumfund.org slash join. And if you haven't, I will ask you to. And John, you know, with every carrot comes a stick. Yeah. I also have a little black book for people who don't go to maximumfund.org slash join. Yeah.

And if you don't go to maximumfund.org slash join. Yeah, and if you don't go to maximumfund.org slash join, no pizza party for any of you. Oh no. Yeah, that's right. That's my big heel turn, John. Let me put it this way. We've been doing this show a really long time. We're really proud to do this show.

In that time, many other projects that you and I have worked on have disappeared because of the vicissitudes of capitalism. I'm looking at you, Netflix. You dinged my special, Ragnarok. Goodbye. Why can't I watch your special anymore, John? Oh, because you don't even know why. It just disappeared one day.

I think they ran out of hard drive space at Netflix HQ or something. And I'm sure that if you're out there, there's like a television program that you watched for a season and you loved and then it disappeared. Or there is a podcast out there that was made by one of the many podcasting companies that went out of business in the last few years and disappeared. The reason that Judge John Hodgman has not gone that way is because we are in control of the show and you support it directly. That's the reason.

It is the combination of those two things. We are in control of the show, it is our show, we own it, and you support it directly. You pay for the production of the show. So if you're already one of those people who pays for the production of this program, you freaking rule and I love you and thank you. If you're not already, it's very easy to do it.

All you gotta do is go to maximumfund.org slash join. Do it now while you're thinking about it. We got Swift Justice here. First, our thanks to Redditor HeyU11 for naming this week's episode. If you want to name episodes, get in on the community. It's reddit.com slash r slash maximum fun. You can, of course, see evidence from this week's program at instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman,

as well as some of the video content that we are making all the time, but particularly during the Max Fund Drive that is available on our Instagram and on our TikTok and YouTube channels at Judge John Hodgman pod. John, we got a whole video guy. We got a whole social media person. We are pumping out the content on all channels thanks to the support of Maximum Fund members. We got not one but two Dan's. Daniel Spear is

our video editor. Dan Telfer is our social media manager. Obviously, we've got an incredible audio editor and the person of AJ McKeon and a wonderful producer named Jennifer Marmer. All these folks who are off mic most of the time, but are essential to making the podcast go, both on audio and video. I'm looking at you, Judge John O'Donn-Podd, viewers on YouTube, and your direct support is what allows them

to bring this content to you. It pays their salary, it pays their health benefits, and it keeps the show going. MaximumFun.org slash join. We have a great review here on Apple podcasts from Business Secrets of the Pharaohs. Incredible name. Thank you for that Business Secrets of the Pharaohs.

Five star review saying this show is perfect for sensitive people. It is the kind of chicken soup for the scared adults vibe which a lot of people need right now. I recommend giving it a listen. If you like listening to the always hilarious John Hodgman, hey, that's me. And I listened to people's disagreements

and then thoughtfully correct people's behavior with a gentle touch. It's like human resources conflict resolution with a funny bone. If you feel the way that Business Secrets of the Pharaohs does about the Judge John Hodgman podcast, join us at MaximumFun.org slash join. Do it now because it's the Max Fund Drive,

the one time a year when we directly ask you to do it, MaximumFun.org slash join. Judge Sean Hodgman created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. This episode engineered by Brendan O'Brien at VD Productions in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and by Sean Carter and Eddie Mace at Breakthrough Sounds in Valley View, Ohio. Our social media manager is Dan Telfer.

The podcast is edited by AJ McKeehan. Our video editor is Daniel Spear. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. And all of those people are paid by you when you become a member at MaximumFun.org slash join. Now let's get to Swift Justice where we answer your small disputes with quick judgment. Laura says, my favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan.

My husband says butter pecan is an old lady ice cream flavor. I think butter pecan is for all ages. I don't know that I've ever tasted Butter Pecan. I appreciate its association with old timey ice cream parlor, but I don't know that it's an old lady. It's not a hundred percent is it is. Oh, cause I'm not saying, look, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that Laura shouldn't have it.

Right. Laura, if you love Werther's originals, suck on them things. I was gonna say that Lauren should try crushed up Werther's originals in a menthol ice cream base. And you know what, Lauren's, you know what Lauren's husband's favorite ice cream probably is?

No. Rum raisin. All right, I stand by my bailiff. We're partners in this thing. Sorry, Laura, you're eating an old lady ice cream and you gotta love it. It's fine. Love what you love.

John, I just got back from the Jonathan Colton cruise, Joko Cruz 2025. I had a lovely time, a wonderful time. Met some really great people. Another great community. Yeah, both performers and attendees met a lot of Judge John Hodgman fans. In fact, there was a time

when I was sitting there eating breakfast, I looked up and to my left and saw a family with a cool teen wearing a hot dog is not a sandwich t-shirt. Oh, so great. Thank you so much to the Judge John Hodgman listeners and listener members on the cruise. In fact, that gives me an idea. We need some maritime justice, maritime law.

International waters. That's right. And do you have any disputes involving cruise ships or cargo ships or tugboats or rowboats or rafts. Do you have a disagreement about which melon is the money melon? That's gonna be one that can only be determined in international waters.

Send us your boat related disputes, however you wanna interpret that at maximumfund.org slash JJHO. And indeed send us all of your disputes at that particular link, maximumfund.org slash JJHO. And indeed send us all of your disputes at that particular link, MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Right, Jesse? And we always love to hear all your disputes on any subject, no case is too small.

Submit those cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO and become a member of MaximumFun at MaximumFun.org slash join. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximum Fun, a worker owned network of artists owned shows, supported directly by you.