Judge John Hodgman - Snooze Control

Episode Date: September 19, 2012

Ben brings the case against his wife Jenna, who insists on wringing every last bit of sleep she can before arising for work. Ben's partial to a gentle wakeup and says his wife's approach stresses him out. Who is right?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, snooze control. Ben brings the case against his wife, Jenna. They wed and moved in together a few years ago and have yet to come to an agreement on their morning routine. Jenna isn't really an early riser and prefers to get as much sleep as she can before getting out of bed. Ben believes in a schedule that allows them plenty of time to wake up and prepare for the day. How should they model their mornings? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom.

Wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up. Up you wake, up you wake, up you wake. This is Judge Senior Love Hodgman, your voice of choice, the world's only podcast strongman on the fake internet air. Here on MaximumFun.org, the last on your dial, but first in your hearts, and that's the truth.

Jesse, would you please swear them in? Please stand and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I swear. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that the only alarm that he abides by is the air raid siren? And even then, only when it isn't an air raid that he called in himself? I do. I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman. Ben versus Jenna.

First of all, for an immediate summary judgment, of course, you will both be able to name the specific piece of culture that I paraphrased as I stumbled into the courtroom. That was Dora the Explorer. Stella's choice. What? What is your, what are your ages? 25. 24. Young people.

Yeah. Yeah, by now you should all know that I am only ever going to reference culture from about 1976 to about 1994, the time when I absorbed culture. Yeah. 1994, the time when I absorbed culture. Yeah. Well, phew, that was a big relief because that was Samuel L. Jackson as Mr. Señor Love Daddy in Do the Right Thing, the movie by Spock. Of course. Now, I'll give you a chance to redeem yourselves. Which of you can name the movie that

Samuel L. Jackson was not in? The Santa Claus. Dora the Explorer. That's not a movie. No, it is. They have them for sure. I don't know. A babysit.

No, it isn't. Dora the Explorer is not a movie. And actually, Samuel L. Jackson was the voice of the map in that. So you are wrong on both counts. Okay. I apologize. All right. So, Ben, you bring the case against your wife, Jenna?

Yes, I do. All right. What is your case? Your wife, Jenna? Yes, I do. All right. What is your case? Well, I believe that our morning routine could be much more relaxed than it is, more efficient even.

And right now I've been coerced into setting the alarm later than I would like in the hopes of getting a few extra minutes of sleep. But I believe that these extra minutes could be better served by slowly getting ready for the day and avoiding a mad rush in the morning as we share our car and the traffic is unpredictable those few extra minutes would make things a lot easier on us so what time what time is the alarm set for currently what time currently what time has has jenna uh jenna your name is jenna correct yes oh my gosh what a bully oh my gosh gosh, no one will reset the alarm. What time did Jenna force you to set the alarm for? She forced me to set it at 6.40 a.m. 6.40? Yeah.

That's an ambiguous time. I would have preferred 6.42. That's a woeful... You know what? You got to do it on the fives. You got to set your alarm on the fives, everybody. Yeah, that's a woeful. You know what? You got to do it on the fives. You got to set your alarm on the fives, everybody. Yes, it's true. 640 is that's that's that's that lives between two worlds.

I don't like that at all. That's what we're living with. But let's let's table that for a moment. And tell me, when do you have to leave the house for work? What do you what do you both do? You're both in the province of New Brunswick, Canada. Is that correct? That's correct.

I could tell by your accents. And say Dora the Explorer again. Dora the Explorer. So I would guess. Dora the Explorer. Is that Moncton, New Brunswick? It's close. Whoa, was I wrong?

Fredericton. Fredericton. Right. The capital city. Because Moncton, I'd say Dora the Explorer. But in Fredericton, they say Dora the Explorer. You're right. Dora.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very similar. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry about that. Okay, anyway, moving on. You work at the same place? No, we do not. What is your what

is your profession sir i am in accounting that's so vague you work for the canadian mob you work for a you work for a drug money yeah you work you work for a canadian biker gang i actually work with a local company that distributes testing kits he's so polite so polite that you won't buzz market the name of your company. I appreciate that. What are you testing for? What would you test for with these kits? We test for microorganisms. And these are sent to humans to test for microorganisms?

Yep, in different types of fluids, metalworking fluid, water. Are we talking about stool samples here? Not yet, maybe. Maybe we'll get into that. Are you cooking the books for a stool sample testing concern run by the Canadian biker mob? I wasn't going to get into that. So you work and Jenna, you have a different profession? Yes, I do. I'm in full-time child care.

Full-time. Someone else's child, I presume? Yeah. Yeah, I looked after four different kids. I was going to say, your children live at a different place. Yeah. Because I don't think that would qualify as full-time in that case. No. All right.

That's parenthood. So you take care of four children who are not your own? Right. All right. And do you go into an office then? I do. How far away is your office? How long does it take to drive there?

Don't tell me anything about traffic being weird. Just tell me a basic rundown on a good day. On a good day, it takes 17 minutes. Can we just keep it to fives? Keep it on the fives, guys. 15 minutes. Let's say 20 minutes, okay? Okay, we'll round up.

All right. And where is Jenna's office? Who drives? Ben drives in the morning. Ben drives in the morning, and then you drive home? How does that work? Well, he starts work earlier than I do. So we go in to work together, and I drop him off, and then I go. I work at two I do. So I take, we go into work together and I drop him off and then I go,

um, I work at two different houses. So then once I drop him off, I go where I need to be. So you're driving is what you're saying. You drop him off. We switch. I drive more. Yes. Come on. Come on, Canada. Supposed to be simple. Jenna, would you say you drive 17 days out of 21? supposed to be simple. Jenna, would you say you drive 17 days out of 21? Well, okay.

He drives in the morning from our house to his office. He drives. Oh, and then you take the car to these kids. And then you, and so how far away are the, are the two separate houses where you do full-time child care? I'm still not figuring out how that works. The two separate homes, how far away is that? Max 10 minutes.

Thank you, by the way, for keeping the numbers around. You're welcome. And on a bad day, good day, 20-minute drive to your office, 10 minutes then to child care zone, shall we say, call it that? Because I don't think I can handle any more complexity. Wait a minute. I need to know. There are four kids spread out over two different houses. What are you talking about?

It's not a zoo. What is it? The first two days of the week, I'm at one house. Okay. And then on Wednesday, I have four of them. Right. Okay. And then Thursday and Friday, I go to at one house. Okay. And then on Wednesday I have four of them. Right. Okay. And then Thursday and Friday I go to the other house.

Okay. Gotcha. For children? Yes. And these are in ages of 21 to 32, would you say? No, much younger than that. What's the oldest child you care for? Four and a half.

We'll just say five, okay. Yeah, that works. And the youngest? Three. All right, we'll just say zero. Just round it down to zero. All right, good. And, but otherwise, so your schedules, though, are well aligned, right?

Yes. You're both working full, full-time days. You then come and pick him up. you guys drive home together yes and then the fighting starts exactly to wake up in the morning okay so basically we're talking about 20 30 minute commute and so what time do you need to leave the house we usually leave between uh 20 after 7 and 7.30. Okay. And you would like to leave earlier? I like the closer to 20 after end of the

spectrum, but 7.30 does get us there on time. You would like to leave at 7.20. If Jenna has her way, you would leave at 7.30? Yes. Or does she wake herself up and is ready to go by 7.20? Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

It all depends on what she has to get ready. When would you like to set the alarm for? About 25 minutes earlier, I would say. Okay. So do the math with me. It's currently 640. So I'd like to set it for quarter after six. Quarter after six, right there on the quarter hour. I like that.

What's the problem with quarter after six? Well, quarter after six gives us way more than an hour to get ready. And I'm just used to setting the alarm as soon as I know I have to get up. Like if we set the alarm at 645, then I would know that I have to get out of bed right away and I can get everything done in time. And I would say that there's not very often that we ever leave the house later than 730. And I would say maybe once in our history of living in this house, have we ever been late for him being to work?

So I would like for the alarm to be set at 645. And then I can I know that I can just get ready in time. Now, what what's are you guys? Let me ask you this question. Are you tied together? Right. Are you like a human centipede? Do you do you have to do that?

Is your whole morning routine based on the fact that you are conjoined twins or something? Or why don't you just get up earlier, sir, and let your wife sleep in? And then and then and then once you're ready to go, sit in the living room sanctimoniously and tap your foot while she rushes to dry her hair like all husbands and wives. But that's part of my point. I guess I didn't get to that either, was that she takes longer to get ready but still wants me to get up first, even with the time that the alarm set at now. even with the time that the alarm set at now. So I could sit there waiting and be done and ready,

but that stresses me out more than having to rush myself. So how long would you say that it takes you to get ready, sir? With the shower and everything, I would say it takes about 20 minutes. Sure, 20 minutes. So 6.40, current situation, 6.40, you wake up, you are ready to go by 7 a.m. Yes, and then I make our lunches. And then you make your lunches. Oh, I see. That's very economical of you.

Well, thank you. And how long does that take? 10, 15 minutes. 10, 15 minutes. And then that brings you to 7.15. You want to get going by 7.20, and you've got to wait for her usually until 7.30 because she's such a lazy bones and got up so late. Usually until 7.30, yes.

Yeah, so you want to get an extra 20 minutes, and you're willing to destroy your marriage over 20 minutes. I wouldn't say that I'd be willing to destroy my marriage, but I do think it would help things in the morning. 10 minutes of idle time that you have nothing better to do with. You want to eliminate that in your process while you're waiting for her so you can get going 10 minutes earlier. Is that not so, sir?

Yep. Okay, good. And this was in your wedding vows? Should have been. It wasn't, though. Jenna, why don't you was in your wedding vows? Should have been. It wasn't though. Jenna, why don't you just get up in the morning? I enjoy relaxing and I have a harder time falling asleep than him. So if we go to bed at 11 o'clock, he's probably asleep by 10 or after 11.

But I probably wouldn't be asleep until quarter to 12 or close to 12. So I really appreciate the extra half an hour that I get in the morning because I don't get it when I go to bed at night. Well, how much time does it take you to get ready? If I'm up at quarter to seven and then we leave by 730. You're done at 730. I'm done at 730. We're out the by 7.30. You're done at 7.30. I'm done at 7.30. We're out the door at 7.30.

So 45 minutes. I do rush. Does Ben make lunch every day? Yes, usually he'll pack them. We have sandwiches and granola bars and fruit. And he makes lunch. Nothing too complicated. He makes lunch for all the children that you take care of, all your Pony White children that you have.

No, just me. And do you enjoy eating that lunch? Yes, I do. I am thankful that he does that. Yeah. So how would you feel about being the kind of person who sleeps in while your husband gets up early every day to make you lunch and you still keep him waiting to leave to go to work? to make you lunch and yet you still keep him waiting to leave to go to work. I wouldn't say I keep him waiting though. I mean, well, you're saying,

I know that you say that you don't leave, that you've owned, that you have only made you guys late for work one time. But does that, is that the same as not keeping him waiting? Hmm. I do know that he has a hard time when I'm rushing around at the last minute and I forget my earrings

and have to run back and get them or I forget my change of shoes or something like that. But I guess I've just always said that I'm on time, so that's fine. It worked out. We don't have to worry about it

because we're on time. Right. So what is the hard time you're having then while she's rushing around? Well, I'm usually standing by the door with my shoes on and everything ready. I'm just ready to go checking my maybe checking Facebook before we head out the door. But I I do like to be a few minutes early to work. We now have at eight o'clock. First thing we have a meeting for, for all our,

our division. And it's super awkward. The, the rare occasion that I've walked in late, it's just, I want to avoid that as much as possible. So that's always in the back of my mind. Don't you understand Jenna that you're destroying his career?

He has an early meeting. Yes, but he forgot to mention that those reasons that he was late was not because of me. See, you guys are both very nice, and so I have to be very mean in order to get to the heart of this. Oh, no. Ben, how do you respond to the fact that you're a terrible control freak? And Jenna, how do you respond to the fact that you're a terrible control freak? And Jenna, how do you respond to the fact that you're a lazy, torturous harpy? I do feel that sometimes with a control thing, but I feel like it could be easier. Like sometimes I'll finish my shower and Jenna will still be sleeping.

So I'll know that if I wasn't there. That just makes you mad, doesn't it? I wouldn't say mad. It stresses me out a little bit because I have to go in there and wake her up. And it's not always a pleasant experience. Because if you weren't there, finish your sentence, what would happen? She'd be fired. Is that so, Jenna?

No, absolutely not. We've only been married for two years and I certainly was able to function without having someone else wake me up I know that when I like I said if I have my alarm set for 6 45 when my alarm goes off I know I need to get up but he's the only one now who sets his alarm I don't set my own alarm because I'm a light sleeper so I hear his alarm. I don't set my own alarm because I'm a light sleeper. So I hear his alarm and I hear him up and around. So I fall back to sleep. Yes, sometimes I do fall back asleep. I've never done that on my own. I guess I rely on him waking me up again. But is she someone who would be late if it were not for your intrusive hand? I think in this situation that we have going now, I think she would

keep sleeping if I didn't wake her up. See, here's the thing. I am getting two completely incongruous arguments from you, from you both. And I'm trying to figure out which one is true. Ben, you're basically saying, if I don't wake her up, she will continue to sleep. And therefore, it is unfair to put me in that position. Whereas Jenna is saying, if Ben sets his alarm early, I will wake up anyway. And I won't be able to sleep late, which is true. Jenna? If I didn't have Ben to wake me up,

I would just take the responsibility on my own and set the alarm for the amount of time that I knew I needed to get ready. So what happens is if Ben sets the alarm earlier, let me just understand this. Ben sets the alarm earlier. He wakes up. He takes a shower. He makes the sandwiches.

He lays out your clothes for you. He takes a shower. He makes a sandwiches. He lays out your clothes for you. He finds your earrings. He checks his Facebook. He walks around the house five times. And then he finally comes in and he says, honey, it's time to wake up. You fall back asleep during that time, right? Not always, but yes, once in a while I do. All right. But you think you would eventually wake up and be able to be ready to go?

Yes. If you did not. Okay. Jenna, would have been a different job and he had to wake up earlier and he had to be out of the house earlier with or without you? That's a good question. We do live outside of town, so we don't have public transit or anything for him to take. But there is one bus that comes back and forth. Okay. That since we only have the one car. Right. I'm sure that he would be able to take, or even one of the houses that I work at now is only a few minutes from ours so I could I could walk there in 10 minutes and he could take the car

Ben do you have any so the same for you actually now right Ben I mean like is there any public transit you could take where you just go out the door and leave Jenna with the car there is like she said there is one bus um it's on its own schedule, and I don't know. You know, that crazy bus keeps its own time. I don't even think it has a driver. It just goes on its own, and I don't know if the, I think it, I don't think it would work out with my schedule from what I can tell. And I take it owning two vehicles is not an option for you young,

crazy Canadian kids right now? No. You're brown bagging it, right? So you're not going to get yourself a second. You're not going to get yourself a second Range Rover this time. What are you driving, by the way? We drive a Nissan Versa. That's one of those Nissans I've never even heard of.

Ben, what are you putting in lunch? I want to be specific. She's saying like some even heard of. Ben, what are you putting in lunch? I want to be specific. She's saying like some kind of sandwiches. Yes. Yes, I make sandwiches. Sometimes we have, we make extra for suppers. We have leftovers. So I just kind of have to throw those in the bags.

And the sandwiches are just two pieces of bread put together. Is that what it is? Yeah. Yeah? Do you split a hard-boiled egg? Oh, I feel bad for you guys. You're making your brown bag, and then you're having the leftovers of your brown bag lunches for dinner? Is that what I understand? Yep.

Oh, boy. It's hard being a young couple, isn't it? Yes. Oh, boy. It's hard being a young couple, isn't it? It is. No wonder you want to sleep and escape reality for so long. Yeah. It's my happy place. I see. But is that true?

Are you hiding from reality there, Jenna? No, I don't think so. I just have always loved sleep sleep even if you ask my parents uh okay ben so what would you like me to do if i find in your favor uh that we set the alarm for 6 15 uh jenna what would you you want things to be the status quo right yes even let's say it's set for 6 40 now 6 45 would be nice Really? You want it to go the other way? I want it to be set later. It's crazy.

Ben, is there any way you can wake yourself up without using this alarm? I could try. I'm usually up a few minutes before it because I anticipate it, but I could come up with some contraption. I don't know. maybe possible reason can you give me for setting it later other than you would prefer it oh because you appreciate you appreciate

that marriage is not just about what one person prefers right yes right because every part of your life here is being shared you're sharing sharing your ride, you're sharing your lunch. There are mutual sacrifices that are going on. Yes, then in that case, I would be happy if we kept it at 640. And if he would just get up and do his thing, and then maybe I could press news again and get up and do my thing. You think I'm going to fall for that old Canadian negotiation tactic where you ask for 645 and I settle for 640. I don't know. I don't know if that's going to work. Devious. Yeah. Ben, why don't you just let your poor wife get the sleep she wants, figure out a way to wake yourself up earlier or train yourself to wake up earlier and sneak out of bed and let her do her thing?

Well, I think it would benefit both of us if we said it earlier. I know she wants to get more sleep, but I feel like it's easier to wake up to a relaxed schedule than have to get up and know you have to jump out of bed and rush into the shower, rush, get your clothes on and everything. Well, let's be fair. Let's be fair. You wake up early, you get ready, you make the, the salt and pepper sandwiches and the, and the piece of rice that you share for lunch.

Oh, it's so good. And you've got time to spare to check your Facebook and you, and she pulls herself together and you eventually go and you're not late for work. Typically you feel a little anxious, but honestly, you just want her to wake up early to punish her don't you you're just mad that she gets to have what you think it would be beneficial for both of us explain that to me how's it going to be beneficial for both of you for her to not get what she wants well because of the uh the relaxed the relaxed routine like like I was saying, and school's starting everything, traffic...

How can you convince me that any routine that you set forth is going to be relaxed? You want to get up early and get going. Relaxed. She's the one who's relaxed. That's true. I want to... Yeah. I want to get going. Are you waking up early

so that you can do some child poses and some, uh, uh, child poses and some Pilates and then, you know, like yoga. Yeah. And then, and then do some deep breathing exercises and then, uh, and then slowly make your way to the hot tub and then finally hop into the Nissan Versa and, you know, take the long way to work. of the Nissan Versa and, you know, take the long way to work? It sounds great. Right. I do find that we are still, I know Jenna says that we're not late.

I'm not technically late for work, but I am late for being a little bit early for work. Maybe that's where a little bit of stress comes into. Well, let me ask you this question. Not technically late for work. You get there right on time, but not as early as you would like. What real impact is this having on your job as a Canadian mob accountant? I feel like it doesn't give me enough time to prepare for that first meeting. Yes. I kind of have to rush into it.

And consequently, give me a real world consequence that has happened because of your brain fog as you as you have not been able to get there in time. You have the Canadian biker gangs pistol whipped you for not being prepared with your P's and Q's. It hasn't escalated that far, but I have I have gotten a couple disappointed sighs when I don't have my my numbers ready. And are you making these size? I'm contributing to them for sure. Is there a third party who is sighing? Yes. All right.

Jenna, your profession right now is full-time child care. Is this your calling in life? Is this what you're going to do for the rest of your life? Yeah, I think so. Is there a way that you guys are going to eventually be able to have a separate lunch and dinner? Like, is there a plan in your lives financially? Because I don't know what you're compensated for childcare, and I don't know what you're compensated for accounting wise. But whatever's going on here, I think you agree that you're that you're having difficulty making ends meet. And this may be because you guys are starting out

and you're not paid very much. It may be that you are living in a 40-room mansion that you can't afford. I don't know. You may have terrible debts that I'm not aware of. But is there a career goal that is going to afford you greater financial flexibility in your future? Yes, for sure.

Yeah, we both have them and what and how would you describe them uh mine would be just continuing in the accounting field um i have just started out in this career so right you're saving up for your own motorcycle i got you yeah i get it you're gonna be a canadian 2d cappy okay i'm'm hoping. And what about you, Jenna? What's your dream? I would eventually like to have a daycare in our home. So right now I'm going out and

carrying it out of people's homes, but I would like to have something in our home that I could run full time. Right. Well, that would solve your commute problem. You realize that this would also involve taking children into your home. Yes. How large is your home?

We are insured. Well, thank you. I'm glad to hear that. You're insured for having a daycare? No, not yet. No. Presumably, you need to get licensed by your provincial, if not federal, government. Yeah, and I have looked into it a little bit. We just haven't taken the steps yet. I've done the reading, but...

And how large is your home? 1,700 square feet or something. And how many children are you going to bring into your home? Probably max five, I think. Okay. And Ben, you are cool with this plan? I'm very cool with it. Because it'll let you get up early?

It's the only reason. Very early. How far off do you see this goal? I would like for it to be within a year. Okay. I think I know everything that I need to hear. I'm going to go into my chambers and take a little rest, and I'll come back when I feel like it.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. First of all, Jenna, thank you for getting up to join us today. Yes, you're welcome. It was a hard one. How are you feeling about your chances? I'm feeling pretty good. At first, I thought that Ben might attack me with some of his points, but I feel like Judge was swaying with my point. Ben, do you think it's possible that either of you might have benefited from a more confrontational stance?

It wasn't argumentative enough? How do you feel about your chances? I feel really good. I don't know. I think things are going to look good for me. Very well. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom. very well please rise as judge john hodgman re-enters the courtroom you know

hello what this time this time i nodded off without injecting heroin between my toes jesse can you believe it seems hard to believe but i you up. I must be overworked. What? I knew you worked for a Canadian biker gang drug dealer outfit. I knew it. I totally feel where you're coming from, Jenna, because it is more healthy to wake up slowly, both physically and emotionally. I get it. You enjoy sleep. You enjoy having your husband make lunch for you. One of the great things about marriage is when someone else is doing something else for you while you are sleeping and resting quietly.

And you obviously want to avoid the grim reality of your life for as long as possible. I understand. And it's also just nice. Most humans agree, and I appreciate your point very strongly, that if you have an opportunity to sleep a few extra minutes, I get it. Ben, on the other hand, you know, look, buddy, why don't you just let your wife sleep? You're perfectly capable of getting up whenever you want to get up. You're a human being.

You're an autonomous human being. I mean, here's the thing. Marriage, or as Peter Cook would say, mawage, is this bizarre interplay between a shared life and autonomous life. You obviously are in a world where you are now sharing things that you've never presumably had to share before. A bed, a car, a commute, depressing lunches, and money that you don't have. And you're both making sacrifices.

In many ways, you need to make sure that those sacrifices are balanced. And just going by the sheer math of it all, Jenna, you know, you're not in the black here. You know what I'm saying? This guy's getting up early. He's making you lunch. And you want to push the routine even closer to leave in time

when his job is clearly his morale and his job is clearly suffering and he's enduring the worst punishment a Canadian can receive, which is an exasperated sigh from a third party. How dare you? But you should consider that pushing it from 640 to 645 that is a bold move indeed

I understand but I'm going to find in your favor thank you judge no wait a minute I'm not going to find in your favor I changed my mind you seem too sleepy What? No, wait a minute. I'm not going to find in your favor. I changed my mind. Oh, no.

You seem too sleepy. You seem too sleepy and happy. I'm going to find in your favor in the sense that. Because I'm so rested. I know, because you're so well rested. I'm going to find in your favor in the sense that I think you should wake up when you need to wake up so long as you're not causing people to be late in the house. And I think that causing people to be late, I think, does apply to Ben feeling that he has enough time at work to be ready to get going in the day. Do you know what I mean?

Yes, I understand. And to succeed at this either criminal or horribly low paying accounting job that he could where he wants to work for the rest of his life. He needs to start getting there a little early, get on top of things. But I do think that if if you are able to leave at a time that Ben feels gives him enough time and comfort to get to his job and then for you to get to your job, then I don't care when you wake up. I don't care when you wake up, honestly. All right. Okay. And what I would say is that, Ben, you should just go ahead and get up and get ready to go.

You know what I mean? And if you need to set the alarm earlier in order to do that, I think that you should do that. All right. If you need to set the alarm earlier in order to have something loud to put in your wife's ear in order to punish her for being sleepy, I do not support that. But I do feel that, in this case, shared sacrifice is as important as maintaining an autonomous relationship,

excuse me, an autonomous identity where people wake up when they want to wake up, so long as they're able to come together at the moment that they have to leave. Ben, it is fine for me for you to set an alarm for 620, because, Jenna, you have to appreciate that some people want to wake up earlier than you do. Yes, I understand. And it's not up to you to control their lives in that way. Okay?

And if you have problems sleeping through that alarm, then guess what? You're married. You're getting sandwiches at the end of the day. And that's the trade-off, unfortunately. So one of the rare cases where I ruled in favor of the Canadian or any kind of husband. But in this case, Jenna, I'm with you.

Sleep as late as you can and as late as you want. But Ben, if you need to set the alarm at 620 in order to wake up, go for it. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. You must be ecstatic, Jenna.

Yeah, it feels really good. I'm excited for tomorrow morning. how are you feeling i feel good i just knowing i can set the alarm sooner will uh maybe it'll force jenna to get up a little earlier as well well it's not it's not you understand it's not punitive if you're if you i'm going to i'm going to double reverse this ruling if i get the sense that this whole thing is just a punisher for being sleepy so no that's not the case from now on you say i should feel i feel glad that i'm able to set the alarm so i can get up and do what i need to do in a at a relaxed pace so that i can get to work at a time that i need to get to work. That's perfect.

Right? Would that express how you feel? Put it into words better than I could. You know what? Forget it. Jenna, you're right. 640 it is. You've got to find another way to wake up now, pal. Sorry about that. Sorry. Sorry, you pushed it too hard. You pushed it too hard for a Canadian man.

I exasperatedly sigh at you. Double reverse ruling, Jesse. Put it down. One for the books. First, I ruled for Jenna. Then I voted for, then I ruled for Ben. I'm giving it back to Jenna. Thank you.

640 and not a moment later. Okay. I can do that. Right. But you do. But Ben, when do you need to leave by? 625. 725. Right. But Ben, when do you need to leave by? 6.25. 7.25.

Sorry. 7.25. I think, Jenna, that means he's out of there. Yeah. I would say about right now. How about that? No. 7.25?

7.25. Is that really what you need? That is what I need. I don't know. You give yourself all the time you need here. 7.25 or 7.20? Oh, 7.20 is sounding pretty good. All right, 7.20.

Trying to be nice again. Roll it all back. Here it is. Okay. Jenna, you can set the alarm for whenever you want because you are woken up by alarms and you want to sleep as late as you can. Yes.

And Ben has already determined that he can get up earlier if he has to, even without the alarm, because he feels the anxiety of you sleeping so late all you can. Yes. And Ben has already determined that he can get up earlier if he has to, even without the alarm because he feels the anxiety of you sleeping so late all the time. But Ben wants to leave at 7.20 and in the spirit of marital compromise,

I order you to be ready to leave by 7.20 no matter when you wake up. All right. And if it's later than 720 for more than, let's say, 13 out of 19 days, then you cede the right to set the alarm

and Ben can set it for whenever he wants. Now, Judge John Hodgman rules. This is the sound of a gabble. That is all. Ben, Jenna, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you very much. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really?

What's an example? The braised short ribs. They're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck. Made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it.

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Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience one you have no choice but to embrace because yes listening is mandatory the jv club with janet varney is available every thursday on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts thank you and remember no running in the halls if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I.

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That was a pretty bitter, contentious debate. I really thought they were going to go for each other's necks. I'm just glad we got there in time before they destroyed each other and their whole house and their lives. We have some cases on the docket that we can clear out if you want to. I will. I do want to do that. want to. I will. I do want to do that. But my favorite part was that she was going to solve the problem of who gets up first by bringing five strange children into their house every day. That's creative solutioneering. And he was like, yeah, that sounds good to me. Oh, let's clear this docket. This is something from John. He writes, I seek an order in a dispute with my best friend, Robbie.

We were romantically involved from 2004 to 2008 and are still great friends. During our romantic relationship, we devised a system where one of us would pay for the movie tickets and snacks for films he wanted to see, but the other did not want to see. Watching one unwanted film would result in a credit for the other party. Films viewed included Whiteout, The Happening, and Miami Vice. In the fall of 2010, we saw a trailer for Score, a hockey musical, and I expressed my distaste for the film. It embraced kitsch Canadiana and otherwise looked terrible. Robert declared that he had an unused movie credit and I was going to see the movie with him.

I found the movie so detestable that I vetoed that choice. If he had felt the same way about a movie, I would not have forced him to see it. Robert feels I still owe him a viewing. I seek an order that Robert cease and desist all mention of my refusal to see Score, a hockey musical, so that we can revive our old system. Yes, I believe Score, a hockey musical is a Canadian film.

No! I had presumed that it was a Czech film that had been dubbed into Canadian. Yeah, dubbed into Canadian, exactly. And I think that, with respect to Canada, that any Canadian-only film cannot apply to this deal. John does not owe Robbie a viewing.

John does not owe Robbie a viewing. John does not owe Robbie a film because Robbie was insisting upon a Canadian film, a perfectly reasonable veto was made. I'm sure that John would accept a perfectly reasonable veto from Robbie of an Icelandic film, for example. But no, the one-for-one film deal applies only to international releases, not single country releases.

Here's something from Ethan. Whenever we eat a pasta dish, like lasagna, macaroni and cheese, or spaghetti and meatballs, my wife will refer to them as noodles. Would you like some noodles, she will say, or please pass the noodles. I believe that she should replace the word noodles with either the specific name of the dish, for example, baked ziti, or at the very least, refer to the dish as pasta. I was wondering if you could clarify when one should use the term pasta and when one should use the term noodles.

Thank you. If it has egg in it, then you may say noodles, as in egg noodles. If it does not have egg in it, you must call it pasta or stringy bread dough hair. Or ramen may also be referred to as noodles. But beyond that, it must be pasta or what did I say? Stringy dough bread hair. Hey, I actually want to mention before we go today that you actually in the listening audience, I'm addressing you in the listening audience, have an opportunity to join me and Judge John Hodgman for a little bit of dry martini.

And it's actually caffeine-free regular Dr. Pepper. But, you know, what can I say? Action at MaxFunCon East. I cannot wait. This is, I just thought that I would share who was going to be at MaxFunCon East because it's pretty great. Number one, Kevin Allison from Risk.

Number two, author and television superstar, Jonathan Ames. Number three, Kurt Anderson, host of Studio 360 and celebrated novelist. Thank you, Kurt. Number four, Michael Ian Black. Maybe you've heard of him from a little organization called The State. of Studio 360 and celebrated novelist. Thank you, Kurt. Number four, Michael Ian Black. Maybe you've heard of him from a little organization called The State.

Tony Comede, brilliant stand-up comedian. Thank you, Tony. Dick Cavett. I mean, come on, Dick Cavett? Eric Drysdale. Thank you, Dick. Thank you, Eric. Eric Drysdale is not only a writer for the Colbert Report,

he is also, believe it or not, one of the world's foremost experts on 3D viewing technology, by which I mean Viewmasters. Yes, he is the Viewmasters. Dave Hill, come on. Dave Hill, give me a break. Come on, Dave.

Thank you. Cynthia Hopkins, superstar of stage and music. Thank you, Steve. Comedian Dwayne Kennedy, one of the most brilliant stand-up comedians in the world. If you've never seen

Dwayne Kennedy, you're really in for a treat. Thank you. Julie Klausner, podcaster extraordinaire and brilliant comedy mind. Carol Kolb, former editor of The Onion and boss of Onion News Network. Anne Kramer, brilliant best-selling writer. Hari Kondabalu, brilliant stand-up comedian. Mary O'Hara, muckraking journalist for The Guardian. Mike Peska from National Public Radio.

Thank you, Mike. Cartoonist David Reese. John Roderick, brilliant singer-songwriter. Stop podcasting yourself. Recent winners of the Best Comedy Podcast in Canada Award. Thank you, Canadians. From the Canadian Comedy Awards. This is my imitation of Tom Sharpling

during the WFMU marathon, by the way. 10 West, maybe the most brilliant sketch comedy group I've ever seen in my life. Oh, thank you so much, guys. And I say that advisedly. They once literally brought me to tears. Not tears of laughter, but I was so genuinely overwhelmed

by the beauty and hilarity of their performance that I cried. Two Fun Men, probably the most brilliant young sketch comedy group in New York. Donna Vicalis. She is in the Olympics. I just saw her in the Olympics. She's going to teach people how to be

in the Olympics. What is her sport? Modern pentathlon. That's going to teach people how to be in the Olympics. What is her sport? Modern pentathlon. That's running, shooting, swimming. What? Fencing and horseback riding. What? Really? Yes. Really.

Listeners, I've been joking around this whole time, but I had no idea a female modern pentathlete was going to be at this thing. What? I honestly, modern pentathlon is one of my obsessions. I cannot wait to learn how to swim, shoot, fence, run, and horseback ride with her. Boy, oh boy. And finally, Ben Wagner,

who is not only the boss of all of MTV News, he is also the director of the beautiful documentary Mr. Rogers and Me, which was the subject of maybe the most popular segment in the past year on Bullseye. Almost certainly. It's all at maxfuncon.com. You can get tickets now.

It's October 26th through 28th in the Poconos a short drive from New York City easy drive from lots of other major cities on the East Coast it's going to be super cool it's just going to be it's going to be super cool

and let me say this if you're a fan of Judge John Hodgman not only will you want to be at Max Fun Con East but you might want to be consider being in New York City the previous week. That's all I'm saying about that. That's all we're saying about that.

Good to be back on the show, John. A swim and a run and a gun. It's great to have you back. You know, we enjoyed having we. By we, I mean I. And all of our listeners enjoyed having Monty, Bailiff Mon Monty on the show as guest bailiff. But there's nothing quite like the shut your pie hole comedy and delightfully calming presence of the real one and only Jesse Thorne. Thank you for coming back.

I'm glad you had a nice summer. I trust you did anyway. Yeah. Well, I got to go to the Olympics and hug an Olympian immediately after she finished her amazing Olympic performance. Oh, me too. Oh, well, we're both pretty great. Talk to you later next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Goodbye. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at Maximum Fun dot org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or

online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfun.org and our Facebook group at Facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.