Judge John Hodgman - Spit Decision (Live from SF Sketchfest)

Episode Date: February 19, 2015

This week, our live show from SF Sketchfest, including "Justice in Thirty Minutes or Less", "Spit Decision" and music from John Vanderslice and A-1.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week we're podcasting live from Marines Memorial Theater in San Francisco, where we dispensed live justice at SF Sketch Fest. Judge John Hodgman Super Podcast Judge John Hodgman Super Podcast Judge John Hodgman Super Podcast Judge John Hodgman Super Podcast Super Podcast Who told you you may be seated? How dare you? Don't stand up in the back.

I see you in the back pretending. It's too late for all of you. You're all in contempt. I think they're sort of using that church from a denomination that you're not a member of rule, which is you just kind of like look at a guy that's on the dais and just do

whatever he does. That makes sense to me. But you're all in the church of Satan now. Do what I say. Welcome to San Francisco. The last stop on our nationwide tour of San Francisco. Our nationwide tour. We have been bringing justice to all of North America. This is our 37th stop. We started in Bangor, Maine.

We then moved on to Augusta, Maine. Then to Portland, Maine. Then to Portsmouth, New Hampshire. I can't go on. My main concern with this bit is it's going to require me to know the names of places in the Northeast. The best part of our tour was all of Canada because I got to wear a wig the entire time.

But now I do not wear a wig because we are in the United States of America, specifically the city by the bay, San Francisco, California. Thank you for having me and Bailiff Jesse here at the Marines Memorial Theater as guests of the SF Sketch Fest.

Applaud again. Judge Hodgman, I actually have an applause line to deliver. It's a sort of a double applause line. I don't know if you've ever seen, or if anyone here has ever, it seems unlikely now that I think about it, but I don't know if anyone here has seen or if anyone here has ever it seems unlikely now that I think about it but I don't know if anyone here has ever seen

Star Trek 4 The Voyage Home. Anyway, I know that as a San Francisco native, hold for applause, one thing that Sulu, as portrayed by George Takei said, always resonated with me. Oh, my.

As they landed the USS Enterprise, of course, the famous spaceship from the film Star Trek IV. Sure. Sulu said. Also perfect for piloting in atmosphere and on the water. Which they landed in Golden Gate Park in the film. Sulu said, San Francisco. I was born here. Thank you. Thank you.

If I... Though if I remember correctly, they did not land the USS Enterprise. It was a Klingon bird of prey. So get your goddamn facts straight, Jesse. Hey, John, check this out. Killing on bird of prey. So get your goddamn facts straight, Jesse. Hey, John, check this out.

Hello, computer. I have one gavel here. I brought my spare nerd gavel when you get things wrong. Now I am not wearing a wig, but I am wearing, everyone here in the theater can see, some sweet Utz cufflinks. As people who listen to the podcast know,

I have decided that Utz will be the sponsor of this podcast, whether they want it or not. I am essentially a sponsor stalker at this point. There is no utz to be had in San Francisco, I'm sorry to say, but I brought these nice utz cufflinks and I brought a nice letter from a listener and a friend of ours

that I would like to share with the court. I would like it entered into the record. Absolutely. I received this letter last night and I was so grateful to receive it because I had nothing planned for this opening bit. Dear John, in my family for many years now, whenever we speculate about the death of a beloved family member, we always refer to the Utz potato chip truck as a euphemism for their death. I know Utz is going to love this.

This is a five-text message. Next text. An example. My dad might say, when I get hit by the Utz potato chip truck, I'm sure your mother will sell this house and move into something smaller and more efficient. End quote.

So we use hit by the Utz potato chip truck the way others might say kick the bucket. This habit began with my grandmother, who herself was hit by the Utz potato chip truck in 1984 and is still dearly missed. It reminds me of my witty and beloved and dead grandmother, of my funny family, and also of the heartbreaking but beautiful mortality we all share. And I feel warm and enriched, thought you should know, sincerely, your friend Elizabeth Gilbert, offer of Eat, Pray, Love. That is an authentic text from my friend Elizabeth Gilbert. It's weird that she signs her text that way.

But I am going to print it out and sell that text as a pamphlet and get millions of dollars. And then Utz will know that this is a going concern. And they will send us some crab chips and some delicious kettle classics, dark russets. You guys, those are the ones I haven't mentioned yet. They're the best. But we have justice to dispense. Do we not, Jesse Thorne? We do

have justice to dispense and we have helpers to help us dispense that justice. Two very special San Francisco guests. Our first guest, a brilliant singer, songwriter, and producer, he's the head of the analog recording studio, Tiny Telephone, please welcome the great John Vanderslice.

Welcome, Vanderslice, always good to see you. And a beloved San Francisco rapper who has the rare distinction of being the greatest rapper with whom I have ever had Thanksgiving dinner, his new mixtape, Thurlian, drops next month. Please welcome A1. Gentlemen, good to have you here. John Vanderslice, of course, a beloved San Francisco institution. A one, another beloved San Francisco institution who also grew up on the same block as me.

Wow. You didn't know that, John? I did not know that. What block is that? Tiffany Street. It's one block street. Me and, uh... Shout out to Tiffany Street. A block is that? Tiffany Street. It's one block street. Me and... Shout out to Tiffany Street. A few genderfires in the audience.

Just when I thought Bailiff Jesse Thorne could not be more adorable, I learned he grew up on Tiffany Street. Yeah, it's hard to be a successful rapper and have your background be on Tiffany Street. What's up? Shout out Tiffany Street.

What was Bailiff Jesse Thorne like as a child? What was the age when he was when you met him? Well, me and Jesse's little brother, John, used to hang out and play video games together. And I just remember Jesse... Oh, down on Pollyanna Avenue? I just remember Jesse would always be like, get out of my room.

You guys are bothering me. Because he would be playing his computer games and didn't want to. Why are you disorganizing my knit ties? That kind of thing. What games were you playing? One memory I have is being grounded and my mom leaving the house for like a half an hour

to go grocery shopping, and I ran over to Jesse's house as soon as she left and was playing Lion King, the Lion King video game on Super Nintendo. That Lion King video game was so horrible. I love that game. What could possibly have been good about it?

Because you played the movie. You got to become older Simba after being young Simba and be Scott. You got to live the ultimate dream. Did you ever play the Super Nintendo game William Shakespeare's Hamlet? Because I believe the Super Nintendo game The Lion King was based on that.

Maybe. I got in a lot of trouble, though. My mom. All I remember is your dad yelling down the stairs, Adam, you're in deep s**t. Your mom just called. Sorry. No, no. But that actually happened. you're in deep your mom just called sorry no no but that actually happened

the problem with your scheme was our street Tiffany Street literally one block long backed into the Safeway so I presume she went to the Safeway

to do her grocery shopping that's a pretty narrow window yeah but your brother had beaten a level that I'd never beaten I had to see it I had to see it John Vanderslice welcome to the courtroom it's a pleasure to be here thank you very much now John you you have a recording studio here in San Francisco called tiny telephone I do and it is I

understand the premiere analog recording studio on Tiffanyiffany street at the very least you know it is not that far from tiffany no it is it is not that far from tiffany street well thank you very much and of course you've produced many albums by john darneel on mountain goats yes who a friend of the show and who was our live guest uh last time i was sitting over there it was fantastic i'm sorry that you didn't jump on on stage but i'm glad you're here now yeah i'm glad i'm here too and will you guys weigh in with your insights to justice as we hear some of the cases tonight absolutely the correct answer is yes i mean if you say no i mean just i guess take a hike i don't know no no you can just sit there too that's fine but i hope that you will weigh in because we have quite a few cases to hear and uh because we don't come around to San Francisco very often,

we want to make sure that as much justice gets spread all over the place as possible. And consequently, we're going to hear as many cases as we can for this first segment. We're going to have 30 minutes of justice. I'm going to hear as many cases as I can in 30 minutes. Now, we have already had some petitions to the court that we've looked over. If those people would start making their way over to that side of the house, for those of you listening along at home, I am gesturing to house right, in case you have your pewter figurines of me and Jesse and you're playing. Moving them from hexagon to hexagon. Yeah, exactly, right?

And if you have a dispute that we haven't vetted, but is a real dispute between you and perhaps your neighbor, maybe someone in the seat behind you is bothering you right now. You can go on over there to House Left, and we'll begin. I will set a timer for 30 minutes, and then we're going to begin hearing some justice. Jesse, will you just do a blanket swearing in of everyone so that everyone will tell the truth forever until I say stop? Yeah, I mean, we don't want anybody spreading any lies while we're doing this show. So if

everyone could rise and raise their right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? So help you God or whatever. Very well. You may be seated. Thank you very much. This is actually a new merchandising program for us. We're focusing on marketing this year on Judge John Hodgman. Yes. This is the justice delivered in 30 minutes or less program. That's right. If your justice comes in at 35 minutes, it's even less money.

And honestly, if your justice turns out cold, it's fine. Justice is a dish best served cold. Very nicely put, Jesse Thorne. Thank you very much. You render me speechless, sir. Thank you very much. Okay, so, should we have our first case come out? Please.

Come on out. What's the nature of your dispute, sir and madam? Your Honor. Wait a minute, wait a minute. First of all, oh, look, you have little scripts. That's good. This is the case. Do I have before me the case of Kristen versus Matt?

Is that correct? Yes. And which one of you is Kristen? Very well. Matt, you are Matt? Yes. All right, let me set the timer. 30 minutes of justice begins now. Boy, two gavels and I can't reach one. All right, good. Kristen and Matt, are you known to me? Yes or no? You do look familiar. Yes. Is it the case that in Atlanta, Georgia this past fall, David Reese and I were on tour, came back to our hotel, and you were having a party at the hotel. Is that correct?

That is correct. Had we ever met before that night? No. Never. No. And was that the night of your marriage? That is correct. Did we crash your party? Yes, you did.

I just want all of that entered into the record that sometimes I can be a really fun guy. Was it a very big party? Yes. No? I mean, it was big in spirit, but in terms of sheer numbers? No. It was about 15 people.

It was the after party. Yes. Wait, when you say 15 people, do you mean before or after John and David Reese Crashter? After. After. Yeah. Now, Kristen.

Yes. And did you know who was crashing your wedding party at that time? No. Now have you learned your lesson? Yes. How is your marriage going so far? Really great. It's great so far.

You know, every now and then people ask me, we would really love it if you would marry us, being that you are a fake Internet judge. And that is apparently now legal in all states and territories. And I routinely say no, because marriage is very serious and should only be administered by some completely arbitrary employee of the state or commonwealth in which you live. So I did not have the opportunity to marry you because you were already married when I met, but I now get to figure out whether you are going to divorce. So

what is your dispute specifically? Your honor, I believe that Bigfoot exists. My wife, on the other hand, is a naysayer I by no means think that Bigfoot is some kind of supernatural creature An alien, a crazy hairy wild man What I believe is actually much more boring And that Bigfoot is simply an elusive giant ape Much like an offshoot of a giant orangutan Yawn You're right, that is boring

Primates and apes are plentiful in almost every continent other than North America, so why is it so far-fetched that a small population could exist here? Your Honor, I'm not here to prove the existence of Bigfoot. I'm simply here to prove to my wife that a giant, hairy, bipedal ape running around in the woods is not such a crazy idea. And I believe that you will rule in my favor very nice i appreciate your prepared statement kristen how do you respond your honor although matt and i have only been married for a short time we've been together for six years and at first i thought his interest in bigfoot was kind of cute and funny. But it's gotten pretty extreme.

He now owns Bigfoot socks, T-shirts, mugs. He has a significant Bigfoot art collection. He has dragged me to Bigfoot museums and cryptozoology museums across the country. And these are museums that showcase Harry and the Henderson dolls and Nancy Drew book covers. And enough is enough. If Bigfoot existed, we would have found bones or bodies or fossils by now. It takes a decent population size to maintain a species. So my question to him is, how come we don't see them everywhere?

There's no scientific proof that Bigfoot exists, and I hope you will tell my husband to give up on this fantasy. Matt, you have a lot of Bigfoot collectibles, obviously. Trinkets. And speak directly into the microphone, please. Yeah, because you're... Somewhat Bigfoot-y in their stature. Yeah, those of you listening at home may not realize that Kristen requires no further proof

of the existence of Bigfoot. It's possible that Matt believes in Bigfoot just because he wants to make his first friend. Yeah. True, that is true. Matt, is it the case that you are trying to ease Kristen into the belief of Bigfoot so that you can finally come out of the closet,

as it were, and reveal that you are Sasquatch yourself? This is not the first time I've gotten that. No, not at all. I'm not trying to prove the existence of it. We heard your statement, sir. When you say that you collect, when you have a lot of Bigfoot stuff, do you have the Steve Austin

versus Bigfoot drag race set? I do not. Don't give him any ideas. I am not pleased by that. I did not know that existed. Let the record show that I do not. Don't give him any ideas. I am not pleased by that. I did not know that existed. Let the record show that I sneered. Kristen, when you say that Matt has been taking you around to cryptozoology museums, are any of them the International Museum

of Cryptozoology that is run by Lauren Coleman in Portland, Maine? Yes, I've been there. And did you make a donation? We did. I'm starting to feel pretty good about you now. May I just say cryptozoologymuseum.com, it needs your support.

Lauren Coleman is, bar none, the number one Bigfoot expert in the United States and a biographer of Tom Slick, the great Yeti hunter whose name was really Tom Slick. Please go and make a donation. Why is it important to you, Matt, that Kristen believe in Bigfoot? Why can't you just keep your own cryptozoology

enthusiasms to yourself? I kind of feel like I am. I think it's the other way around. Why is it important to you that she believe in Bigfoot? Why don't you just let it go? Why are we even here? What would you like me to order? That she believe in a thing that probably doesn't exist? I think I- Are you asking her as your wife to convert to Bigfootism? No. I'm asking that she be open

to the idea of the possible existence. A possible Bigfoot three-way? I just wanted you to be open to it. Kristen, do you believe in ghosts? No. Do you believe in ghosts? no do you believe in God? no

what's another thing Jesse? do you believe in yetis? yeah that's a good question thank you no it would have been interesting if you believe in yetis but not bigfoots

why is it not okay for you to simply say It would have been interesting if you believe in yetis, but not Bigfoots. Why is it not okay for you to simply say, yeah, maybe? I think I was okay with it at first, but it's just gotten kind of extreme. Well, is he asking you to go on expeditions? Not yet, but it's heading that way. Matt, would you like to go on a Bigfoot hunting expedition? Do you know of one? If I have my way, Utz is going to finance an incredible Sasquatch hunt. Then yes, yes, for sure, yes.

Utz Snack Ship Company, an association. I may need a Bigfoot decoy to stand out in the woods somewhere to attract other Bigfoots. Would you be up for it? Absolutely. Are you willing to be smeared with orangutan urine? Yeah, questionable. Yeah, we'll wait for that day.

It's essential to the mission. It's just a project. You try telling the people that you weren't willing to smear yourself with a rag kristen if i were to find in your favor what would you like me to do to prohibit your husband from having this passion for this giant man ape i'm i'm torn about this i really am i think that matt feels like a kinship with Bigfoot. He identifies with him.

He sees him as, like, you know, just a cool beast hanging out in the woods. And that's, you know, misunderstood by society. And so I'm fine with him believing in it. Just, like, I mean, tone it down with all the... I mean, we talk about it a lot. Yeah, tone it down. Just tone it down a little bit. All right. I'm not ever going to find against a man who has bigfoot socks he can believe whatever he wants but so can you matt your wife is a non-believer i can't order her to believe in

something that you believe in until you find it deal i'm not putting you i'm not putting her in a Russell's teapot situation where she has to prove a negative I'm putting you in the situation where you have to prove a positive go out find us some Bigfoot or a big arm or a big hand any part of it

to prove that it exists but until then your wife just doesn't believe in Bigfoot and on some level she doesn't believe in you this is the sound of a gap next case please next case please step up to the microphones what what are your names, sir and madam? I'm Monica. Greetings, Monica.

You must be John based on this docket I have before me. I think it's correct. And I appreciate that you are wearing a Judge John Hodgman brand T-shirt. Canadian has a pizza and garbage T-shirt. Available online at maxfundstore.com. Cryptozoologymuseum.org, you guys. For real. Lauren Coleman needs your help.

He's a great dude. Monica and John, who brings this case before me? I do. And what is the issue? Should I read my statement? You should read your statement, yes. I own a 2008 Subaru Impreza wagon. Congratulations. Thank you. I share a 2008 Subaru Impreza wagon. Congratulations.

Thank you. I share the car with my boyfriend, John, and it's stuck to the gills with camping and rock climbing gear. It's difficult to find anything in the car or to fit a third person into the car. We once wore out the tires of the car to the cords, and the salesperson at the tire store even said that the weight in the car was causing uneven wear. Judge, I'm asking that John remove enough stuff from the car so that the car's suspension isn't so slammed. It rides pretty low to the ground right now, and so that we can give rides to our friends occasionally. We have a storage unit that is a short drive away from home that we could store the extra things. And how do you respond to the, first of all, you have an Impress, a Subaru, is that correct? Yes.

I didn't know they had those outside of New England. You'd be surprised. I thought it was a regionalism. I'm willing to wager that 62% or more of this audience has a 2008 Subaru Impreza wagon. Sounds about right. John stuffed to the gills, Monica. First of all, are you guys married?

No. Who owns the car? I do. You own the car in full? Yes. So are you in a romantic relationship? Yes. So your boyfriend is shoving all his rock climbing gear

into your car and ruining the wheels? Exactly. Why are you doing this, John? Why do you have to have rock climbing gear with you at all times? I will explain. Is there a chance you're just going to hop out? I don't even want to hear the statement. Answer me. No, we share many of the expenses of the car including the significant parking expense. Sure, the

three, the new tires every week expense. New tires every week. How do you respond to the guy at the tire shop going, you're destroying your tires because of your rock climbing equipment. We actually got 55,000 miles out of our last set of tires, which we're only supposed to go. For a Subaru, that's nothing, sir. Well, the guy at the tire shop. Subaru, if you want to outbid us on this program, I am. You're on warning, us. And you know what? Moxie, you're dead to me.

And people are upset that when I say Moxie is dead to me, but'm from New England that's a term of affection in New England now so why is it important for you to keep this stuff why is the putting the stuff in the in the storage space not okay well the biggest reason is Monica and I live in an apartment with roommates and without much storage space and we have as Monica mentioned we have a storage unit but it has limited hours of operation and our cars in a parked garage and provides a convenient secure storage option for items that we normally take camping or climbing. The gear is in our cars mostly for year-round necessities and not used for daily use. As a forgetful person and a last-minute

planner I rest assured that I have a bevy of gear pre-loaded in the car including warm sleeping bags for Monica and Monica benefits from this as well. And I've actually done the calculations that we could safely add at least 300 including warm sleeping bags for Monica. And Monica benefits from this as well. And I've actually done the calculations that we could safely add at least 380 and possibly up to 850 pounds of cargo in addition to our bodies and still be well within the manufacturer's permissible limits.

So I seek, your honor, that you grant me a stay to continue my cost and time effective practice and I would consider upgrading our suspension to heavy duty loads to address the slammed issue that Monica addressed at a reputable mechanic. How much would it cost to update your suspension to heavy duty loads? Which, by the way, thank you for saying that on my podcast. You're welcome, Your Honor. Honestly, Judge Hodgman, this guy sounds like he's giving us a heavy duty load. I agree with you, Jesse Thornton.

You live in an apartment with roommates? We do. Yeah, when are you going to move in together into a place of your own? Given the way San Francisco rents are going, possibly not soon. Yeah, right. Well, with his lucrative career as a rock-climbing hoarder. That's right. hoarder that's right if you if I appreciate that you share some of the expenses expenses of the car but you're adding expense to the car by putting all

this stuff in it all the time and the fact is she owns the car and she should be able to decide what to do with it get your stuff out of the car dude next case please justice when you when you when you guys met there off there but I'm Next case, please. That's an easy one. Two rounds of justice. When you guys... They're off there, but I'm going to keep yelling at them. When you make enough money to have your own apartment and you can get your own car, then you can put whatever junk you want in that trunk.

You should feel lucky your girlfriend has a car, dude. Get out of here. Go drive away. All-wheel drive away, my friend. Where do you two keep your spare recording equipment? I rent a lot of warehouses.

I was going to ask him about ultralight camping if he had really looked into that. And ultralight rock climbing gear, it doesn't sound like he's gone down that road because he's killing the suspension. That's a really good point. Maybe you should do this kind of thing. Bring him back.

Is that like camping in a glider? Are you guys still talking about Subaru and Mrs. Subaru? Yes, I'm sorry. Sorry, those guys are dead to me. It's a term of endearment. Standing here in front of me, I believe I have Sarah. This is the case of Sarah versus Esteban.

Is that correct? Yes. And which one of you is Sarah? Please speak directly into the microphone. Yeah, you have to get really up close to it like this or else they can't hear you. One inch. Do a voice, too.

I don't know. Don't do that voice, John. No one likes that voice. I think it's got legs. Nope. Nope. It's a Sarah. that voice i think it's got legs nope nope nope no no no no sarah do you bring this case before this court i do what so what justice do you seek i am bringing this case against this day bond respondent boyfriend and native spanish speaker from ecu. I'm attempting to learn Spanish, and although my comprehension is improving, I'm still fairly inept at speaking it. Oh, si.

I have asked Esteban to spend at the very least five minutes a day speaking with me in Spanish. He says he will only begin doing this when I reach first base, an apparent milestone in Spanish language fluency. an apparent milestone in Spanish language fluency. I believe I have reached first base, and even if I haven't, he should do it anyways so that I reach first base that much more quickly. Therefore, I am petitioning this court for an order compelling Esteban

to converse with me in Spanish for five to ten minutes daily I see Esteban how do you respond dear it's to respond in Spanish I am asking the court to deny Sarah's request. First of all, I'm in love. Just got hot in here, folks. While Sarah has great potential, she has yet to reach a level of proficiency to make our conversations productive. Sarah took a few Spanish lessons a few years ago and has used popular Spanish language acquisition software every now and then. I believe that if Sara focuses on these processes, she will soon be ready to transition to conversational Spanish.

I will concede that patience is not my best quality. And speaking Spanish as an exercise can be tedious and frustrating for me. I fear that having these forced exchanges will introduce a level of tension in our relationship. In my defense, I have worked with Sara to improve her pronunciation. I have made myself available to answer her questions. Are cats... Are you saying that you hold office hours?

Horas de oficina. Oh, okay, I'm sorry. You were finished. Esteban, you say that Sarah has not reached first base in Spanish. What would that be exactly?

Besos con lengua? Besos en la boca? What does first base mean? Premio base? We've been there and done that. I think first base in Spanish is enough Spanish to complete sentences We've been there and done that. I think first place in Spanish is enough Spanish to complete sentences and have a conversation that lasts more than 10 seconds.

Do you think you can do a conversation more than 10 seconds, Sarah? Yes. Bueno. Begin. Hola, Esteban. Hola. ¿Cómo estás?

Muy bien. You're right, the tension is impossible. Any divorce attorneys in the house today? The will they, won't they tension, I mean. Did you feel like the next sentence she was gonna say was, donde esta la biblioteca? You're saying that it is a hassle for you

to speak Spanish. Not necessarily. I think that speaking to someone who is not, has the ABCs of Spanish, it is. If there's a basic level of proficiency, then I'm perfectly happy to engage in conversation. Esteban, how long did it take you to write that paper in your hand?

A long time. So you can't spend five minutes talking to your woman in Spanish? You're right. Am I wrong? That's a very good point. But what happens, I believe, is that by focusing on these five-minute conversations, Sarah is not focusing on other aspects of her language acquisition.

I think that if she does that, she has... What, I always understood that speaking as much of the language as possible in an almost immersive environment is the best way to take on a language. What would you have her do, go to the language lab and listen to albums? No.

Take Spanish lessons one-on-one with someone who has the teaching tools and knows how to... Do you guys live together? Yes. Yes. When you go to Esteban, you have family here? Not anymore. Everybody's back in Ecuador. Oh, okay. But Sarah, you wrote about how when you're around his family, you can't understand anybody, right?

Well, my understanding is improving, but I can't really be part of the conversation. Well, my understanding is improving, but I can't really be part of the conversation. And, for example, his father doesn't speak English, so it would be nice to be able to talk to him. You know, there's something to be said, John, for those record albums. I studied, I listened a lot to a CD called Rappanese in middle school. At school, and it was a recreational activity. And I can still say, beer, could I, can I have a beer, please? Just saying.

I am very impressed. Thank you, Bela for Zetta Stone, but... Okay, why don't you just talk to your girlfriend? Girlfriend, romantic. How long have you guys been together? How many? Cuántas años? Four.

Oh, cuatro. You're quick, kid. I took a year of Spanish in college. Yeah, talk to her in Spanish, for God's sake. Jeez. Next case, please. I'm sorry that it's boring and a hassle for you to help your loved one get closer to you.

Coming before me now, in this courtroom, I believe, this should be the case of Chris versus Abby. Is that correct? Yes, Your Honor. You are Chris who just spoke? Yes, Your Honor. Abby, do you see the microphone there? Yeah. And how old are you, Abby?

I am 10. You are 10 years old. I don't know why we're applauding a human being for aging at a regular rate, but I agree you are adorable. Normally, I do not like to have children on my podcast, with rare exceptions, you being one of them. Abby, I am hoping this guy is your father. I am, Your Honor. I just realized I didn't check. Is that, yes? Yes, he is. All right, good, good. Abby, speaking directly into the microphone,

can you tell me why your father is such a pain? I believe, well, I believe that my dad should not, not only should my dad. Well, take a moment, take a moment. Who brings this case? Abby does. Abby, all right. You ready to go, Abby?

Yes. All right, go for it. Chris, to go, Abby? Yes. All right. Go for it. Here. I believe that... Chris, you're her father. Yes, sir. Will you help your daughter and angle that thing down so she can...

Yes, sir. Angle the microphone. Take care of your child. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I believe that not only should my dad finish the first Harry Potter book, but that he should also make reading a habit. I also think that he should cut down on Internet time

because he needs to be free from distractions and pay more attention to his surroundings. To conclude, I think my dad should become more literate. What was your name, Dad? Chris? Was it Chris? Chris, yes. Quick question for you. ¿Dónde está la biblioteca?

Esta. Chris, what, read your thing. If you, if you can into the microphone yes your honor i'm the respondent abby's dad chris i will admit that a lot of time i spend on the internet could be used to be reading but in my defense i'm not watching cat videos or checking to see what's going on in kim kardashian's life instead i am

digesting information curated by people i choose to follow on social media such as yourself i would hope the judge would give me a little credit for using the web for personal enrichment not just as a time sucker so let me understand this can i say can i just say one thing about this i don't like his attitude about cat videos cats puppies donks ponies these are the reason the internet was created in the first place if i ask you the question do you enjoy watching cat videos on the internet there's only one correct answer and that is yas yas who knows about cat? Yass cat, that's what's up. I don't understand that. It's this cat. It's this cat.

And the owner says, hey, do you want a treat? And then the cat goes, and the voice goes, yass. Do you remember before we even had these things? We had to have actual cats. What a pain that was. Yes. Yes. Thank you, Bailiff Jesse.

Abby, do I understand that you love the Harry Potter books? Yes. And you want your father to read them? Yes. Have you read them together? No. Do you want him to read them? Yes. Have you read them together? No. Do you want him to read them to you or no? No.

You just want him to read them so that he enjoys the thing that you enjoy? Yes. And he wants to read Twitter? Yes, that's it. Chris, what things are you reading aside from my social media presence on the internet that is keeping you from reading a novel that your daughter loves and wants to share with you? Oh, there's some things on Reddit and... Oh.

All right, well, I've changed my mind now. Chris, your daughter is wanting to share a part of her life with you. My daughter is not 10 years old. She is 13 years old and no longer wants to share any part of her life with me. old she is 13 years old and no longer wants to share any part of her life with me so when she for christmas gave me a copy of the book ender's game saying it was her favorite book even though i have some problems with orson scott card's position on same-sex marriage and rights writes, I read that book. Now, what I want you to do

to understand just what sort of monster you are being, I want you to look Abby in the eye, and I want you to repeat after me. Daughter? Daughter. I will not read Harry Potter. I will not read Harry Potter. I will not read Harry Potter.

That's just dumb kid stuff. That's just dumb kid stuff. I know you want to share a part of your life with me. I know you want to share a part of your life with me. But Reddit is on. But Reddit is on but reddit is on tell me how you feel not good about it

yeah have you read Watership Down Abby you like books about rabbits well no I've read I've read lots of other books, too. Harry Potter's my favorite. Look, Abby, you're great.

I'm not calling you out on books you haven't read. You're reading books. I applaud you, and so are they. When the time comes, you will read Watership Down to your daughter so you can learn about the very brief lives of rabbits and how short our time is in this English countryside and how it should not be wasted. But for now, I order you to read whatever Harry Potter book your daughter orders you to read. This is the sound of a gavel.

The sound of another gavel. Oh! Klaxon, klaxon, klaxon, klaxon. That is the end of 30 Minutes of Justice. I feel like we dispensed a lot of justice for big cases in 30 minutes a regular episode of Judge John Hodgman is two and a half hours long and we barely get through one case those were good cases yeah these are quality cases quality cases would you agree Adam quality cases it loved it

thank you very much. By the way, if you guys want to serve as the court of appeals, was I wrong? No. Anywhere? I mean, it's okay. I agreed on every single ruling. Yeah. And you know why?

Because I picked them. Hey, listen, John. Yes. We have more justice coming up in the program. We do. But we have two brilliant musicians here. Why don't we have one of them play a song? I would love for that to happen.

A1, would you like to? Sure. Ladies and gentlemen, A1. Okay, one second here. Before I get started, I have a question for the audience. Who here grew up in an era known as the 90s? Make some noise. Yeah, some people. Okay. Who watched television throughout that era? Anybody?

Okay. Who watched a television channel by the name of Nickelodeon? Make some noise. Okay. You didn't have cable, sir? You didn't have cable, no? Okay, all good. How about a show called All That, anybody? Go ahead, why don't you run the track for me? Some of you might recognize this. If you do, then that's great.

I'm gonna need you to do one thing. Can everybody sing? Oh, oh, you know it. Hey, this is, this is, oh. Can everybody sing? Okay, okay. You can turn me up. You can turn it up.

Hey. Check it out, check it out, check it out now Now, now this is just an introduction Before we blow your mind We step up in your function and put in overtime I'm not a workaholic but I'm always on my grind every day Cause that's the only way I'm gonna shine anyway I had to put this beat over this rhyme Just to remind my people of a much simpler time

When we played video games and ball sports With overall short, short faves on ball courts For me it was the 90s For you it may be different in your mind frame But the time frame ain't specific We were just kidding back when we were just kids We never had to question our lives We just lived just cause

Why were we happy? We just was Maybe the reason is cause all we needed was just love And that's what I got that That's what I got that And back then we would call it all that. Everybody put their hands up like this one time. Yeah, this is all. This is all that.

Everybody sing. Hey, hands up one time like this. Hey, this is all that. This is all that. Now, as a kid, grown-ups told me Don't hurry through your years Cause when you're grown, you got insecurities and fears And when you're grown, you got all the worries and the cares And the world, and the world seems dirty and unfair

I wasn't prepared It's really kind of funny I thought I would be rich by the time I was 20 Now I'm trying to find a meal to put inside of my tummy And my childhood's the only thing they can never take from me. Drawing cartoons with the heroes with pencils. Watching all the dope Nickelodeon kids shows.

Legends of the hidden tempo was a jam. I like Doug, but damn, Keaton and Kel was the man. Now I know why they told me what they told me way back when we was kids. We won't ever be innocent again, but now I'm a man. No, I still can recall back.

I'm missing the days when it was fat and it was all that Everybody hands up one more time, yeah This it, this it Now everybody sing, hands up, side to side Like this one time, left side, this Right side Hold on, hold on, sound cut the music cut the music i'm gonna test you guys on your nickelodeon knowledge one time

okay i want you to count off how many nickelodeon tv show references i do in this next verse okay show references I do in this next verse, okay? Ready? Okay. So it goes like this. Now what would you do if you were a wild and crazy kid? As a rug rat, all of the gutsy things you did. See, I'm trying to live a modern life like Rocco. I miss my homies Doug, Pete and Pete. Hey Arnold. Clarissa explained to me that nothing's for free. My cousin Skeeter told me look out for my brother and me. I ain't afraid of the dark so I won't fall flat. If I can just maintain everything, it'll be cool with all. Nice.

Give yourselves a round of applause. All right. So how many references was it? How many? 11, 13. The correct answer is 12. 12. Thank you, guys.

Ladies and gentlemen, A1. Thank you, guys. Ladies and gentlemen, A1. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel.

Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear this sound.

It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com

slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions. Apply. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right?

Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck, made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need.

Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price.

Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with

Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close.

Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Listen, let's keep this justice train rolling. We've got another trial planned for tonight, so please welcome our litigants, Deb and Bridget. Tonight's case, spit decision Bridget brings the case against her friend Deb They have an ongoing dispute that has plagued them for years When Deb sees Bridget chewing a piece of gum Deb will ask her to break off a piece of the pre-chewed gum to give to her.

Bridget says chewing another person's used gum is gross, no matter how much you love them. Deb says it's a nice thing to do for a friend. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please, ladies and gentlemen, rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom and issues our obscure cultural reference. Two tall glasses of sweet iced tea underneath the sweet gum tree and the love we once nurtured you and me disintegrating violently.

Swear them in, Jesse. Please raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? Please address the microphone. I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he only choose natural tree resins I do I do very well judge Hodgman Devin Bridget and audience here at Marine Memorial Theatre you may be seated Bridget and Deb for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors. Can either of you name the piece of culture that I quoted from reading off my phone as I entered this courtroom?

Can you? No, no. No, of course you cannot. I made it tricky. Can anyone hear? You can? No, no, no, no. Not you, sir!

If you please, shut your pie hole! I believe a young woman said, right here. Was it? Yeah, this woman was referring to said, right here. Was it? What? Are you? Yeah, this woman was referring to this gentleman right here. Oh, wait a minute. Is there some non-white dude who could do this for me, please?

All right, white dude. Well, white dude. All right, come on, white dude. Stand up and yell it out. Both of you simultaneously. It's a track from Texas. I thought it was Tallahassee. Oh, this is...

For those of you, because we don't have the audience miked, sadly. For those of you listening along at home, I now have two white dudes having an argument over which Mountain Goats album this song is from. Which one said Tallahassee?

Get out, you're dead to me. Yeah, but what's the name of the song, dude? Forget it. Please turn in your Subaru at the door. The song is Balance by the Mountain Goats. And just to make you guys feel worse, if you had gotten it, I would have given you my spare gavel. Now I'm going to give it to someone else that I like.

So we actually have to hear this case. I notice one of you is chewing gum at this very moment. Which one is chewing gum? Both. We share a brain. I already swallowed mine. You swallowed mine. Here. Bridget, do you bring this case before this court?

I do. And explain the nature of the case. Your friend, Deb, wants to be... You are chewing gum currently, and even now, Deb is looking at you saying, maybe I can get half of that. Is that correct? That's right. It's very straightforward.

How long have you guys known each other? 20 years. Since college. 20 years-ish. 20 years, right? And you're very close? We are, yes. Have you ever besos en la boca? You know what I mean? Strangely, no.

No? Not even in Universidad Experimentar? Maybe in the back of the biblioteca? No. No. Just close friends who only swap saliva when Deb manages to get gum out of your mouth. Correct. Deb, why are you trying to take gum out of your mouth. Correct.

Deb, why are you trying to take gum out of Bridget's mouth all the time? It's not all the time. Only when she's chewing gum. Only when she's chewing gum. It's not all the time, but there's occasions where she has some gum in her mouth and I do not, and it looks like a good idea to me. You mean chewing gum looks like a good idea to you or chewing that gum? Well, if I had other gum, I would chew it.

That's not my first option. Why don't you just have your own gum? Because I've already chewed a piece of gum that day. Wait, are you on a gum rationing program of some kind? Wait, are you on a gum rationing program of some kind? Do you have some sort of gum Weight Watchers points that you've already... Kind of. If I don't ration it, I would just chew gum all the time. Yeah, and save your friend weirdness. Why do you ration your... Why? All of it.

What's going on? I like gum a lot. You like gum a lot? I do. Well, why don't you just chew it? Does anyone have any gum? It's kind of... I do.

Well, it's... Throw the gum on stage and let's see if she dives for it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. This is a test. Well, I want to see if you go... It's not true. I want to see if you go for the wrapped up gum that's been thrown on stage,

or if you're still aching to get that gum out of your best friend's sweet mouth. Okay. So if we do have to go through it, I do prefer gum that doesn't have any flavor to it. I want to... You know what? go through it, I do prefer gum that doesn't have any flavor to it. I want to, you know what? I used to chew Silly Putty as a child. That's like perfect gum. For those of you listening at home, this is the sound of me, speechless. Do you have pica? Do you have pica?

Do you have pica? Do you eat clay and rocks? Do you have a compulsion to eat, like, lint from the dryer? No, no, no. Like, plastic. You do. Maybe. No, no, no.

Not maybe. I'm asking you a question. Do you have a compulsion to eat flavorless plastic? I have. I wouldn't call it a compulsion. It is interesting to you. Yeah. It's like a hobby or enthusiasm.

Right. How long has it been since you chewed Silly Putty as a child? Yeah. No, that's a child, and i'm far from a child no i understand but they still make silly putty i know have you so put aside childish things that you won't gnaw on a little silly putty from time to time yeah but there's little wax you know soda that they're filled with like yeah yeah i have disgusting children i know what those are little little little soda bottle little tiny pieces of wax that are shaped like soda bottles that have colored sugar water in them.

You can get those. You can buy those, too. You dump out the colored sugar water. That's not what people do. Deb, would you mind, just for my benefit, making a quick sort of back-of-the-envelope list of non-food things you've chewed? I mean, you're far from a child. You've had plenty of time to chew on a broad variety of things that aren't intended to be chewed upon.

Rubber bands? You ever chew on rubber bands? No, no, of course. You've got... She's not an animal. Well, I hardly know where to begin here, but I think first of all, and primarily, I'd like to examine the hygiene of this habit that you are insisting upon your friend, Bridget. But I don't know anything about saliva hygiene.

Is there anyone in the house who does? Oh, I've got great news, Judge Hodgman. Oh, good. We happen to have someone here who knows a lot about hygiene, an expert witness. She's a science journalist, the author of many books, including Stiff, Bonk, Packing from Mars, and most recently, and most saliently,

Gulp, Adventures on the Alimentary Canal. Please welcome to the stage, best-selling author Mary Roach. Mary, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, or whatever? I swear. Great. By the way, do you feel like Mary was starting to sing the song, I swear? I swear. All for one.

All for one. Mary, thank you for coming. Thank you. Look how close I am to the microphone. I appreciate it. And, you know, it's a good thing you're an expert on hygiene because I have licked all these microphones.

That is why I am so intent. Mary may be an expert on hygiene. I might question her commitment to hygiene, given that I know for a fact she's put her arm into the side of a cow? I have, yeah. Not actually the side, but the stomach.

The open stomach chamber of a tortured cow. Yeah. No, it's harmless. It's kind of like, you know, the plugs in the ear that the barista wears at the cafe, the big plug. It's like that, but it's on the side of the cow and then you the cow goes on chewing it's what that cow's mother must think put your arm in and it's fine it's nice have you heard this conversation so

far yes I have now all right we went from one area of revulsion to another area of revulsion very quickly because I became fascinated with Deb's desire to chew on flavor. What was it about the gum that was thrown at the stage that is distasteful to you, Deb? Nothing. It's got flavor. Well, I just, yeah. What flavor is it? I don't know.

There's two flavors. We have a report from the audience that there are two flavors. Yeah, I just realized that someone's trying to buzz market their gum on me. Get me to talk about their gum on stage. No way, you weirdos. Sorry, we're not going to help you disrupt the gum market. But we started out with the issue of Deb pressuring Bridget into giving up half of her gum.

How often does it happen? Every time I have gum and she's with me. That's not true. I would like to share something with you guys that you may not be aware of. Saliva is a taboo substance, but we're okay with it when it's inside our mouths, okay? But once it leaves the mouth, we are disgusted by it.

But the exception is loved ones, okay? Your children. Besos and La Boca. Yeah. Yeah, you're lovers. That's why I was asking that question. Yes. So you are actually extending the boundaries

of yourself to include your loved ones. So it's not gross. This is actually love. This is love that we're talking about. Yeah. It's very one way. Oh. Are there any divorce lawyers in the house tonight?

So Deb asking you to split gum as a token of affection and sharing saliva and becoming spit sisters Yeah. is one way love for you. How would you suggest she pay you back? You don't want my gum. I don't want her gum. It's not an expression of affection for me.

It's an expression of her addiction to gum. How do you feel, you should not necessarily have to be her enabler. Exactly. And how do you feel when she denies you the pre-chewed, flavorless, saliva-drenched silly putty of her mouth that you so desperately desire. How do you feel?

I don't think she's ever said no. I always say no. But you always do it, so... I say no, and then I give you my gum sometimes. See, my... Well, reluctantly. What do you think about this, Mary? Well, there's something else you might want to keep in mind.

I don't know anything about your dental hygiene or yours, but the sharing of a piece of gum, or really saliva in general, is a kind of a bacterial transplant, so you could actually benefit by getting more healthful gum bacteria. It could go either way. It kind of depends on...

Sure. Yeah, but that's something to consider. Can I ask you a question? I think I think of... I naturally think of the mouth as like a gross place where a lot of gross stuff is going on. Now, that's because I'm completely forgetting

everything that I read in your book for the sake of stagecraft. Can you tell me a little bit about what's going on inside the mouth? Is it a gross and dirty place? Why, I can. I can address that topic for you quite deftly. For example, the other day, in fact two days

ago, I bit my cheek and there was a little sort of pulpy, protruding, gross thing on the side. Oh, can I have some? Yeah. Later. I'm feeling this. This is going to happen, you guys. But now, in just less than 30-some hours, it's all smooth and healed up. And that wouldn't happen with a cut on your skin. Your mouth heals incredibly fast. There's all these antimicrobial substances and growth-promoting factors, and saliva's kind of a miraculous substance,

and you shouldn't be really putting it down. Are you putting it down, though, Bernadette, Bridget? You're grossed out. There are a lot of names in the world, and I hear most of them. Are you putting it down, though, Bridget? Are you resisting your friend's request out of hygiene issues, or how would you express it?

It's inappropriate. Explain. For example, in a restaurant, we sit down, wine is poured, there's a white tablecloth that is cloth, that is not paper. I'm not going to put... So I go, I've got to get rid of my gum to drink this wine.

I'll take that, she says. Why is that? Is this a hypothetical or an actual thing that happens regular why is that inappropriate it's a so compared to say why isn't it more appropriate to spit out your gum before you go into a restaurant in order or swallow it because it stays in don't swallow it Mary Roach do you know if you swallow gum it stays in your stomach until the end of the world? And I'm pretty sure a tree grows in there too, right? Is that not true?

No, no. You can swallow your partial dentures and if you can get them down, they're going to come out. It's going to come out. New t-shirt. MaxFunStore.com I have a question for Deb. Do you have any dryness? Because the very act of chewing something kind of tough and resistant is stimulating saliva.

It's called stimulated saliva. And when the people who study saliva, they will give you like a tampon to chew on. A salivologist? I've never chewed on a tampon to chew on the cell anthologist will absorb the saliva anyway tampon is the one thing you haven't chewed on apparently sorry mary this is an issue a dry mouth issue i don't think so i i'm not sure if you heard but i asked deb a lot of questions about why she is driven to chew flavorless substances. Yeah, yeah. I don't listen to you.

And it does not seem like she wants to explore it. Well, it's just something to do, I guess. Yeah, but... I know. I could read a book. I could do a lot of things. There are a lot of things to do. Can you do something productive like heroin?

Why should... All right. Why should Bridget be the enabler of your desire to chew gum? When you could be chewing flavorless gum all the time. You could be pre-chewing gum. You could probably hire children to chew gum for you and then keep it on the bedpost and then pull one off every morning and just have the time of your life gnawing down on that flavorless, silly, putty substitute, why should Bridget have to do this for you? Because she's my best friend?

Yeah. I've heard everything. Oh, sorry. I've heard everything I need to make my decision. I'm going to go to my chambers and chew this over. Please rise. By shooting myself in the head for making a pun. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Okay, sit down. Let's talk about this. My dentist. Deb, I want to know about some other stuff you've chewed because you slipped past that question quite deftly Mary Roach here is a professional journalist and she needs to know This is for Mary Roach, not for me

I don't know, like pieces of plastic You do know! These are things you put in your mouth that are designed to be outside your mouth. I've chewed on cardboard before. But not, you know, I mean, just to try it. Plastic,

generally. Just in college, it was an experiment. I don't do it anymore. Getting to know yourself. I'm married now. Okay, what kind of piece of plastic? Like that little thing that goes around the top of the gallon of milk? Yeah, absolutely. So it doesn't even really need to be chewy.

No. It doesn't need to give at all. Just you'll chew pretty much anything. You're a chewing slut. Anything, put it in, chew it up. just you'll chew pretty much anything. You're a chewing slut. Just anything. Put it in, chew it up. Mary, have you ever, in all your scientific endeavors,

had to chew something from someone else's mouth? The tampon, I did chew the tampon. Right. In the lab. That was a fresh tampon. It wasn't. That's right. That was a fresh tampon. That was a fresh tampon. It wasn't, that's right, it wasn't.

I used. By which I mean it had not been in anyone else's mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Um, I've, I've, uh, I've been with a, I spent time with an agricultural researcher

who sat me down, and we counted the number of times the cow would chew the cud before... Wait, no, it was the number of seconds it would stay down before it came back up. So I've witnessed a lot of cud chewing. Does that help? Ladies and gentlemen.

Somehow. Science is the backbone of our modern society. It's thanks to heroes like Mary Roach. Deb, would you chew something that wasn't gum that was in someone's mouth? Like what if your best friend was chewing beefsteak tartare? Oh, no. I've shared gum. Yeah, because that's gross, right?

You know what, I should say, I've shared a piece of gum with my stepdaughter. Really? Yeah. Was it part of like a women's retreat ritual? No, it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment double dare. Like, I was chewing it. Phoebe said, do you have another piece? And I took it out, and I said, you're going to have a piece of this.

And she said, okay, daring me, thinking I wouldn't do it. It's sort of a mutual, I don't think you'll do it. And then we were both chewing the gum. You know, I think my wife and I in high school made out and swapped gum back and forth just so that we could say we did that because it seemed like it would be like going to a sock hop or something. Yeah, it's like when you're having a milkshake with two straws.

You're a friend in second grade and you touch tongues and you go, ah! It's kind of that thrilling. Guess what? Am I revealing too much? If you told Deb that the gum she was chewing was ABC brand gum, and then you

explained that that stands for already been chewed, she'd be stoked about it. Yeah, exactly! How do you think your chances are in this case, Deb? I came prepared to beat a monster, so... Bridget, how are you feeling? Quiet and strong.

Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about it. Please rise as Judge Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. You may be cheated. You may know that I'm chewing a lot of gum right now. I got from an audience member symbolizing incredible trust for the audience. Only at this moment do I realize it may be some roofie gum. But that person would have had to have had a lot of foresight.

Deb, I don't think that you're a monster. I think that you have a peculiar taste. Oh, this gum is very harsh. Too spicy. I think that you have a peculiar taste for some peculiar things on a level that you either don't understand or do understand and are unwilling to explain in front of a bunch of strangers, which is reasonable, I have to say. Mary Roach explained is that these small trades of precious bodily fluids, not the heavy-duty ones, but the small ones, the touching of tongues, the swapping of gum, and so on and so forth, the, you know, spitting in your hand and grasping hands and becoming spit brothers and sisters. These things, oh, I thought you were about to do it. You know, this is the beautiful power of taboo. There is no reason that this is particularly

unhygienic, but culturally, we think that it is too intimate to share, and every now and then, you break that taboo, and you share it, and and it does bond friendships and if Bridget was into it why by all means share up some gum do you know what I mean strengthen your bond and and boost each other's immunity to various to measles. I think that's how it works, right? It's how vaccination works. But your statement, Deb, that you want to do this because it would make you closer friends, however much that is supported by the science of Mary Roach, it is a lie when it comes out of your plastic chewing mouth. science of Mary Roach, it is a lie when it comes out of your plastic chewing mouth. You guys may be great friends, right? But that is not why you want that gum.

You want that gum for the same reason you want that piece of plastic off the top of the milk container. Because it's there. Obviously, I am not going to find in your favor. I will find in favor of Bridget. She can keep her gum to herself because she has a right to her own personal standards of repulsion. But since you have been such a good friend to this court... Oh, no. Chew it! Chew it! Chew it! Chew it! This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hoffman rules, that is all.

Deb, Bridget, Mary Roach, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. You know, John, we've dispensed a lot of justice tonight. Yes. And we've enjoyed a musical performance from the popular rapper A1. Right. But I feel like there's something missing. Well, we do have one of San Francisco and I dare say the world's great singer, songwriter, producers, and musicians here with us. It would seem a shame not to have him sing, write song, produce, and musish. Would you mind introducing our final guest of the evening? Ladies and

gentlemen, please welcome to the stage John Vanderslice with drummer Jason Slota. Thank you. How is everyone? How is everyone? A lot of justice has been dispensed. This is the lovely Jason Slota.

I really, really like you. On a lot of levels. We've played a lot of shows together and I adore this guy. You're gonna see why. We pushed the horses as long as we could. Overcome the fear of the world. We pushed the horses as long as we could. Overcome the fear of the world.

We pushed the horses as long as we could. Overcome the fear of the world. We pushed the horses as long as we could. Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world.

Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world. Overcome the fear of the world. Ambush the horses as long as we could Over Cooley Pass and to Sierra Woods Burn the wagon wheels for heat and for food

We cut down Timothy can it die So twelve can make you through Time to go, time to go, go Time to go, time to go, go, go Time to go, time to go, go Time to go, time to go, go Time to go, time to go, go, go We'll never come back, it's time to go Try to make it to the shore, it's time to go

Don't know what you had till it's time to go In Bakersfield we found A planned community With a planter for two bedrooms And fall amenities Sold the horses and we sold our guns The specter of Timothy Gann appeared on my lawn Told me to run Time to go, time to go, go

Time to go, time to go, go Time to go, time to go, go, go Time to go, time to go, go Time, it's time to go Been banished to the cracks of molten ash Don't know what you had till it's time to go John Vanderslice, ladies and gentlemen, alongside Jason Slota. John, Jason, you guys are still up there. Maybe one more song?

Yeah. Let's bring out the judge. Thanks, guys. What a pleasure it's been performing for you guys here in San Francisco at Marines Memorial Theater as part of SF Sketch Fest. Thank you very much for coming out. If you missed it, let the record show for those listening at home

that Deb did take the gum out of my mouth and put it in her mouth. I saw it happen up close and personal. She and I are spit siblings forever, and thus I gave to her the extra gavel. She earned it. This is a song that I did not write and nor did anyone on the stage. It's a song by the Hansom family and it is the least judgmental song that I know.

I had nothing to say on Christmas Day when you threw your clothes in the snow When you burnt your hair Knocked over chairs I just tried to stay out of your way When you fell asleep with blood on your teeth

I got in my car and drove away Listen to me Butterfly There is only so much wine You can drink in one life It will never be enough to save you from the bottom of your glass. Where the state highway starts

I stopped my car I got out to look at the stars As meteors died Shot across the sky, I thought about your sad and shining eyes. I came back for my clothes as the sun finally rose, but you were still passed out on the floor Listen to me, butterfly There is only so much wine You can drink in one life

It will never be enough To save you from the bottom of the glass Thank you very much, everybody. Have a great time and the rest of SketchFest. SketchFest. SketchFest. Go see Jesse Thorne and Jordan Morris tomorrow.

Jordan, Jesse, go. Thanks again to John Vanderslice, Jason, A1, Julia for putting it all together, all the people who helped, and all the litigants and everybody else. This is the sound of a gavel and great appreciation. That is all. Good night. Our thanks to John Vanderslice, Jason Slota, and Jacob Winnick for their amazing musical performance. John Vanderslice is currently building a new analog recording studio in Oakland to go with the two that he has in San Francisco. You can check him out at johnvanderslice.com.

Thanks also to my childhood friend rapper A1. You can find him at a-1music.com. A1 has a new mixtape coming out. It's called Thurlian, and it's out March 5th. He's also headlining at the Fillmore in San Francisco, the legendary Fillmore in San Francisco at the end of March. We were also delighted to have Mary Roach join us. She's at maryroach.net. If you want to read more about the science and just general gross stuff of eating and digestion, I cannot recommend her book, Gulp, highly enough. It's so funny and great.

Love it. Really love it. And thanks again to everyone at SF Sketch Fest and Marines Memorial Theater. Our producer is Julia Smith. Our editor is Mark McConville. Live show production help this week from Michelle Mitchell. To submit a case to Judge John Hodgman, visit MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. That's MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Or just email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. You can also follow us on Facebook at Judge John Hodgman or on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. Thanks for listening. We'll catch you next time on the Judge John Hodgman or on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. Thanks for listening. We'll

catch you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.