Judge John Hodgman - Star Witnesser

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

Should Dorin have to join her pianist husband at his post-concert meet and greets? He says yes! She says she feels awkward! Who's right? Who's wrong?Here is a video of Hsiang playing "Serpent's Kiss" by William Bolcom.We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman.Thanks to reddit user u/Bentzsco for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at maximumfun.reddit.com!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, star witnesser Doreen brings the case against her husband, Xiang. Xiang is a classical pianist. He wants Doreen to be there when he greets the audience after his shows. She feels awkward. They thank her for his performance. Doreen would rather skip the meet and greet and read a book. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. I will speak for you, Bailiff Jesse. I speak for all the mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint. the mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint. Mediocrities everywhere.

I absolve you. I absolve you. I absolve you. I absolve you all. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God or whatever? Yes. Yes. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he himself is a woodwind? Yes. Yes. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. I am not merely a woodwind, having played the clarinet until the age of 18, but also a string, having played the viola at the same time.

Never simultaneously, though. I will dispel that myth right now. I thought it was an America's Got Talent situation. No, I would alternate between them. In any case, two great party instruments. I just wanted to be liked at a party. Viola or clarinet is the only way that people love when you take out a viola at a party. Doreen and Sean, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors. Can either of you name the piece

of culture I referenced when I entered the courtroom? Doreen, do you have a guess? Episode 19 of season three, Frasier. Episode 19 of season three, Frasier. Hang on. I got to write that down. Ep 19 S3 Frasier? Episode 19 of Season 3 Frasier. Hang on, I got to write that down. Ep 19 S3 Frasier. And for the first time, I am actually writing it down. You can check on YouTube. I did write it down. Didn't just scribble.

Why that one? Well, Frasier loves classical music. True. This episode is about classical music-ish. So that's my prepared guess as best as I can. If I were to give you another hint, you're welcome to take another guess. You can think about it while I'm asking Xiong. But the other hint is this is a movie about classical music.

Xiong, what's your guess? I feel like I've seen this recently. I'm going to say it's going to be the movie Tar. Tar? About the famous fictional conductor Lydia Tar? Right. That's right. I'll write down Tar.

I even wrote it down for real. Frasier, season three, episode 19, Crane versus Crane. Frasier and Niles have a courtroom face-off over the question of a wealthy eccentric's sanity. That's a really good one because that's a courtroom-themed Frasier. And this is a courtroom-themed Hodgman. Seems like we're dealing with a regular Emily Heller here. But I'm going to tell you, Doreen, right off the bat, that the Frasier guess is wrong, as you know, because it's a movie. Can you think of any other movie-themed classical music? Pianist? I'm going to tell you, Doreen, right off the bat, that the Frasier guess is wrong, as you know, because it's a movie.

Can you think of any other movie themed to classical music? Pianist? The Pianist. It's a good guess. I'm writing it down. Out of respect for your wonderful good guesses, I'm writing them all down. But I'm also throwing this notebook on the floor because all guesses are wrong. And I need to get that notebook again in case I need to take notes. But we'll leave it there on the floor because all guesses are wrong and i need to get that notebook again in case i need to take notes but we'll leave it there on the floor for a moment while i say it's from uh 1984's

amadeus oh i thought that would be too obvious i worried that it would be too obvious we psyched each other out we psyched ourselves out and we psyched each other out. We psyched ourselves out and we psyched each other out. That was my prepared guess. It was your prepared guess. And if you had only guessed correctly, we could all go home. But instead we have to hear this case. That is of course the famous closing lines of the film by, uh,

performed by F Murray, Abraham and his Oscar winning performance as Salieri. Mediocrity is everywhere. I absolve you. Boy, oh boy, did that. I mean, what does it say? I was 13 years old when that movie came out. And when Salieri was absolving

all the mediocrities on earth, I was like, I feel that. Thank you. I take your absolution. What did I know? What did I know or think about myself at the time? If you have not watched Everyone in the World, they're making a new TV show out of it with Paul Bettany, who's terrific as Salieri. But I mean, Milos Forman's adaptation of the Peter Schaeffer play, Amadeus,

a screenplay written by Peter Schaeffer. Very few movies are as beautiful, look as beautiful, or sound as beautiful. And of course, it's about a superstar classical pianist, composer. I mean, you've heard of him.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Judge Hodgman, do you know what the F in F. Murray Abraham stands for? No. Fart. Fart Murray Abraham. Fart Murray Abraham? No. That's why he uses the initial.

And one guy who definitely wanted to be at the meet and greet every single time salieri uh but doreen does not want to be at the meet and greet so let's get into the case doreen you seek justice in this court uh tell tell me a little bit about your husband chiang and what kind of music he performs he is a classical pianist, so solely plays classical. Right. And would it be fair to say he's a superstar? Yeah, in the household. In the household. Right now you are living in northern Florida, correct?

Correct. And that's where you're based. But where do you perform, Xiong? Well, so I teach at the University of Florida. So besides teaching, I'll perform in different universities throughout the country. And every other year, I'll go back to Taiwan, where we're both from, give some concerts there. I'm going to go ahead and say you're a superstar pianist. Not like Mozart. Nobody can compare to Mozart.

Yes. What if you were on this podcast going like, yeah, I'm about as famous as Mozart. About as famous as talented as Mozart. Then I'll be really famous. Yeah, you'll be very famous. Doreen, what do you do? What do you do all day long? I work at home.

I'm a product manager for a software company. And when you go and see your husband, Xiong, perform, what normally happens after the show? 35-minute standing ovation, obviously. Maybe 30 minutes. Okay. Usually after the show, people will either get together or line up at the front door or in the backstage to greet him and tell him about his playing and how much they enjoy it or yada yada. That's usually what happens after the recital. And what do you do during this time, if you're at the concert? during this time if you're at the concert?

Usually. We've been together for about 12 years. In the latter eight years or so, usually I will sit in the audience space continually while the space got empty. I'll just really read a book there until the space empty, and then I will go out and find him. Usually that's when the meet and greet kind of like done.

So that's what's been happening in the, in the latter few years of your marriage. But way back when, when you first got married and the spark was still there, Xiong, what, what would Doreen do during the meet and greet? Would she sit in the audience reading a magazine or a book or what? She was more likely to stand either beside me or somewhere behind me as the people came up. time of our courtship, one thing I find a little awkward to do with strangers is to introduce the people I'm with or introduce people to them. So sometimes I'll forget to introduce to the audience who this person standing behind me is. And I think that made Doreen felt quite awkward and uncomfortable, but I just assumed that people would know.

And after a while, I think she also figured out that really nothing much is really that interesting being communicated through these meet and greet. And perhaps she thought there's a better use of her time. That's interesting, Sean. You've made a very good case for her blowing off the meet and greet. When in fact, you're in court now because you would like her to hang out with you during the meet and greet. That's right. Because she's such an important part of my life.

And I believe one of the reasons that I can perform well is due to her contributions. And I wouldn't mind, you know, let her also share the spotlight. And I think people are often interested to find out a little bit more about me rather than this person playing the piano for an hour. and playing the piano for an hour. No, so you can sort of say, I'm not just a superstar classical pianist as famous as Mozart, but I also am married to this beautiful woman. That's right.

There are many elements to Xiong. Many levels. Yes, if I could, I would like to show them my Lego sets as well. Xiong, if you had a top five things that you could show them. So beautiful wife, Lego sets, of course, handsome pianist. That's three. So what are the other two things?

You got any other stuff with pride of place in your house you'd like to show off and show and tell? Well, I have some baseball bobbleheads. Yeah. Cool. Baseball bobbleheads. What's your favorite bobblehead? I'm a Red Sox fan, so I grew up with Normar Garcia-Para as my favorite player. So I have a couple of his stadium giveaway bobbleheads.

I get it. I get it. Ben Harrison's parents once got me an E40 bobblehead in San Francisco Giants clothes. Oh, wow. Okay.

What's number five? So you have bobbleheads, Lego, handsome pianist, beautiful wife. That's four.

What's number five? I guess we like to cook, so we have a good collection of cookbooks, including

the friends of the podcast, Kenji Lopez. Sure. Kenji Lopez-Alt. Yes, that's right. Yeah. Great. This is not my beautiful wife. This is not my Nomar Garcia bobblehead.

How did I get here? You want something to express your amazement at the good fortune you've had in this world. That's right. Just like a talking head song. It's Nomar Garcia Parra, Judge Hodgman, and it's pronounced Nomah. Nomah. Here, let me do it again.

This is not my beautiful wife. This is not my Nomah Garcia Parra bobblehead. Nomah. How did I get here? Nomah. Nomah. Judge Hodgman and I are from Massachusetts. You want to express your amazement

at the beauty of the world that you inhabit. Yes. Yes, exactly. Just like a talking head song. Why don't you have David Byrne standing by? No, I think about it. A beautiful man, a beautiful artist, all respect till the end of time, but he does make a room a little awkward.

I'll stand by that. I'm going to stand by that. He'd tell you the same. He told me that when he was on Bullseye. Yeah, I think he would too. Wonderful man. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs,

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That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a sound to happen. Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear this sound.

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that makes it awkward when you do stand by the meet and greets is that people thank you for Xiang's performance. Tell me about that. Yes. Usually what happens is when I stand next to him, after people say, well, we really enjoy your playing this piece and that piece. It's like so beautifully play and this and that. And when they saw me, they will immediately also say, thank you so much. And then we really enjoyed the concert and, you know, all the praise and all the kind words and all of that.

But I feel incredibly weird. And I don't know how to respond when people thank me for his performance. How do you know they're not thanking you for your expert project managing? Maybe that's true because I did create some of his concert posters uh there we go but it's because uh judge i'm not a musician myself so i don't i don't even have rhythm so when when people thank me for his performance which i literally really genuinely think i didn't contribute anything i didn't play a note or help in practice or like nothing. It just feels very awkward when people nonstop thanking me one

after one, say, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I don't know what to respond. And after a while, I'm just like, oh, it's probably better I'm not there. Let me stop you right there, Doreen, and say you're a liar. Because I know, I know that you have rhythm. This is a little behind the scenes here at the podcast. But, you know, when we start the podcast, we have to do something called slate. Where each of the parties on a separate recording, Jesse over there in Los Angeles, me here in Brooklyn, and Doreen and Sean in Gainesville, Florida, at the studio,

have to clap loudly into the microphone like this. Guard your ears. And that helps our editor sync up the audio. And you have to do it to, you know, we watch a clock countdown and we do it to synchronize the clock and the recording. And I said, what did I say, Doreen, after you clapped real loud? Well, you said that's a fantastic clap. And you say you never lie. But then Jesse said you always lie. No, I say. In that case, it was the truth. That really was a good. I always say that was the best slate ever.

But this time I was telling the truth. Like you clapped at the exact right time. And I know a lot of people don't do it. They don't do it as good as you. So you're a really good one clapper at least. And I suppose that that's a kind of rhythm. So don't sell yourself short. Doreen, I have a question about this meet and greet line. So I used to work on a radio show called West Coast Live in the Bay Area. And one time, this is my only experience with classical musicians, basically, but one time a famous pianist named Long Long came through and he played on the show

and it was a show before a live audience. And so there was like a meet and greet afterwards. Maybe there was a hundred people in the audience or 80 people in the audience. And these elderly people lost their minds. I had no idea that someone playing Chopin or whatever inspired this Beatles level of passion in the audience. So obviously, when you're greeting a classical music audience, maybe they're patrons, you know, maybe they're important people from the university or from the arts organization that's brought your husband in. But, like, what is the vibe of those people that are waiting in line to meet your husband? And I'll also stipulate, I can see on the video that your husband is a hunk. I'm just going to stipulate that. Well, depends on the occasion.

So, for example, sometimes at university, the vibe, if there are younger students and younger generations, the vibe is, you know, like a little mini fan kind of like actions. Or if it's in a community, for example, at a concert he played in Salt Lake City, it's more mature audience. And the vibe, it's just, you know, they want to talk about the process he practiced, how he played or how he interpreted.

So it really varies. But in general, the vibe is very enthusiastic, very recharged almost. They enjoy a good concert, and they take in a lot of good vibe or good cultural nutrition. And it's always very, very appreciated from the audience. So no one in the audience is ever coming up going, hey, I got a few critiques for you. Occasionally, occasionally. Oh, okay.

Someone will say, well, I used to play piano and I know that piece very well. And someone's recording. You should check it out. I was going to, I just presumed that it was universal phrase all the time that Doreen was bored of it. I was trying to establish, was there ever any drama where the person would say, you, sir, are no Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Well, they probably just would not waste their time standing in line. They'll just leave, probably.

You'd be surprised. You'd be surprised. The judge and I have had some contrary experiences, let's just say. I have had people, I can think of one person in particular, who came up after the meet and greet and basically told me, my career choices have been very bad for the past 10 years. Yeah, he gave us a really thoughtful outline. Really instructive feedback as to what I had done wrong in my career. Well, that couldn't

be farther from the truth. That's very kind of you to say. This is what I wanted to know, though, Doreen. Do you ever experience thirstiness for your husband. Are you ever made uncomfortable in part because not just that you have to be friendly to people, but that it is a weird situation to watch your husband be a star to others, whether their interest is romantic or otherwise, you know? Like there's different kinds of thirstiness. No, but, and to go back to the question judge asked earlier, is he a superstar? Yes. To me, he's absolutely a superstar.

He has a mini following locally, whenever he plays and this and that. Took you a long time to correct yourself there. I asked that question a long time ago. And you're like, in the household, he's pretty famous. Obviously, he's been weighing on you. You're like, I got to mention this mini following. I've been checking my time. Like, okay, it's time to correct that.

Yeah. But to answer your question, Jesse, is that. No, I mean, it's always. It's always nice to see him. Because it's a nice to see him because it's a lot of work he put in a ton of work it's always nice to see the the positive feedback and this and that but what's always also weird is like not only people will thank me people also ask me what do you play and i am not a musician and i always say i played the audience role which is important and but literally play the claps yeah that's right you should just say settlers of katan let me let me ask you a question xiong when you uh when you

perform a concert you're playing piano, right? Right. You use all ten fingers? Yes. She's right, Jesse. It's a lot of work. Putting it all in. But most of the time, I do play by memory. And with a regular teaching schedule, it can be pretty demanding. And we're

all not getting any younger. So that does take a toll as well. Of course, I was not trying to suggest it isn't hard work to be a classical pianist. It's incredibly, I mean, you studied and you practice and you perfect your technique and your musicianship and you deserve all the accolades that you receive. It just seems to make Doreen uncomfortable for some reason. Doreen, what happened in New Hampshire? Well, there are a couple of things.

One is because I've been hiding in the audience space for a couple of years, and he hasn't been complaining about it much. But at New Hampshire, where we used to live for a couple of years where he used to teach um at that occasion i continued doing my hiding ritual and afterward he got really upset he was like you are nowhere to be found lots of people are looking for you. Lots of friends. And I was like, hey, Doreen's here. Where is she? And the meet and greet took a much longer time than usual, I would say. And after that, he just expressed like, I really wish you were there.

And he also brought up a few past concerts. I wasn't at the meet and greet. And that's when I learned he actually prefer I am at the meet and greet. So we just kept talking about like, then why do you need me to be there and this and that? So that's kind of a lot of sparks case. Xiong, how did you feel when Doreen ghosted you in New Hampshire? ghosted you in New Hampshire. Well, so we, this is an unusual situation where I was invited back to a place I used to work. And it's a place we're very fond of. And most of the people who came backstage were people we know, former students, former colleagues, and also friends. And I should also explain that this is a concert venue inside of a music building.

And as it is a very old structure, so there really wasn't a green room nearby. So all my stuff is locked away in an office far from the backstage. So I wasn't able to just text Doreen quickly. And after a while, I actually seriously wonder what happened to her. Did she get lost in the building? Oh, you were worried. That's right. Yeah.

And it was a pretty long time. So I thought she could have come look for me. I mean, of course, as she said, people were asking about her and a lot of people knew we traveled together for this occasion. And so that's why. So it sounds like it moved from a little bit of missing her

to a little bit of social embarrassment because your friends were asking after her and you didn't know where she was. And then ultimately sheer panic, maybe she had disappeared or left you or gone into an alternate dimension or something. Or she found the concert to be so unappetizing that she decided to just go back to the hotel as possible.

I understand. And how does it feel, aside from the lack of panic, how does it make you feel when she is standing with you during the meet and greet? I generally found her presence to be very calming for me. And after the concert, usually I could get pretty exhausted and very sweaty. And as I'm sure you all know, it is still part of the performance, still part of the work. To do a meet and greet after when you do one, yes. It's tiring.

It can be, but I'm also curious to find out about people. Well, that's where you and I are different. For me, it is an entirely robotic performance because I'm not curious about people, nor do I want to do it. But I know it's expected of me, so I go bleep bloop. Thank you very much for coming. Right after we get off stage, John and I look at each other and we say, we've got another show to do. Yeah. We stop listening and start performing again.

Yeah. Not true. I enjoy the meet and greets very, very much. Everybody who's come to meet and greet us we we really love it but it but i mean you know it's it's a lot of um it's it's a lot of time with a human being and you know people are there they want to express their um not only their thanks to you but they want to maybe express what your performance made them feel. And you have to hold space for them, as they say in contemporary parlance.

It's, you know, you have to be very open and you have to take a lot in when you're doing it. And that's why if I were Doreen, I would get the hell out of there. Well, that's when I think she could actually be a positive being there. She could maybe share some of the conversations and help the line to move along, things like that, that could be beneficial. A little bit half emotional support, half personal assistant. Is that what you're saying?

Doreen's very caring, and she assists with many other factors in my life. If the court is interested, I'll be happy to share. The short answer is yes. Yeah. Like if she were to help like facilitate moving the line along and getting people going and so forth and helping you in a personal assistant capacity, how much would you pay her? You're going to pay her in bobbleheads, sir? I don't think that's worth anything to her. Doreen, are you an introvert? Half and half.

I grew up as an extrovert. The older I am, the more introvert I become. I used to work in marketing, so I kind of have a switch. I can turn it on and off. So a lot of times when we talk about the meet and greet, at least in this New Hampshire location, is we talk about, well, if I'm there,

like what function you want me to be? Am I capturing people's information and doing a little bit of relationship building or like that's that's all right but like usually nowadays especially i work from home um i think introvert as most part and as you uh your honor like i'm the only child myself great i think i know everything I need to know to make my decision. I need to know the rules. I like to follow them. If I'm there, what are the rules? What should I do?

I like that Chiang wants Doreen to be his producer slash personal assistant. Doreen is like, let me project manage this thing. slash personal assistant. Doreen is like, let me project manage this thing. She's like, I got a database I'm working on. Let's put some information into it. How often does it happen that you are by yourself versus when you guys are traveling together? It varies year to year.

This past 12 months, surprisingly, she came to maybe 70% of my solo performances. So it looks like she likes you. I hope so, Judge. Just enough. Just enough. Just enough. Famous in the household. And he has a mini following. That's true.

A mini following. a mini following. That's true. A mini following. Local mini following. Do you feel like when she's not there, that this somehow reflects on you poorly, Xiong? No, not at all. I mean, I'm capable of handling the meet and greet. And again, it's also a case by case. Right. greed uh and again it's also a case by case right when we went back to taiwan this past summer i think one of the reasons she doesn't really want to be standing around because there's a lot of

friends of my parents um and uh chinese people has a way to like to ask a little bit intruding personal questions, like, when are you going to have a kid and things like that. And I think she just feels a little more uncomfortable. Doreen, when do you feel more uncomfortable at the meet and greet? When it's a bunch of strangers thanking you for Shang's performance and sort of awkwardly fumbling around for conversation with people you don't know. Or when it's friends in New Hampshire or family in Taiwan and they know a lot about you and they're just going to really get into it with you. About the same, but for a different reason. So all people. You hate all people. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, kind of um Doreen just flipped the switch uh well when it's when it's people appreciating him and then thanking me I I generally don't know how to respond like literally when people say thank you for the performance I just like freeze I just don't know what should I respond. And usually I just say, oh, thank you for coming. That's literally the only line I feel appropriate to respond to that because I'm profoundly proud of his performance. But there shouldn't be any credit to me, really, because I did nothing for what's happening on that stage. really because i did nothing what for what's happening on that stage right so that's one and then for families in taiwan that's just culturally you know like people in taiwan tend to ask a lot

of personal questions and don't know how to respond some of the like really personal questions and to to that degree it feels like oh okay then then it's not about PR or marketing social engagement, right? It's really about family get-together and know the personal details and things like that. And that's slightly different than talking about performance. context, where it's people just saying thank you for his performance, thank you for whatever it is, and you feel awkward because you don't know what to say, have you considered just sitting there with your book and a piece of paper that says, I am not a musician. I'm very proud of my husband. Thank you for coming. That is my prepared statement. And that is all I will say.

I kind of did in some degree. I kind of did in some degree. Like, I will have people say, I'm glad you enjoyed the performance. Thank you for coming. But I, and that's it. And usually the conversation runs dry right after that because there's really not much to go on. And usually what happened next is they will ask me,

like, what do you play? Like, what instrument? Yeah, that's why I say put a piece of paper and say, don't ask me about music. I don't know anything. I'm a really good clapper. John Hodgman said so. But otherwise, ask me a question about anything else. My first thought was get a T-shirt printed.

But now I'm imagining maybe one of those tall, skinny pop-up tents that you use to change at the beach or like try on clothes at the flea market. Do you feel left out of the classical music circles and appreciators? I mean, Doreen, do you even like classical music? Good question. Oh, my God, you're terrible. I do. I mean, I'm not knowledgeable in it. I'll be the first to admit.

Something we do a lot at home, which really scares and annoys me, is that whenever there's a classical piece comes up at any movie, he will pause and say, what's the piece? Who composed it? And then I will have to guess again i'm not a musician by any like not at all and i'll guess let's say japan or wc or whatever um and then if it's off you will say, oh my God, you're 100 years off. It's a completely different style.

Wow. You're 100 years off. From now on, I'm not saying all guesses are wrong anymore. I'm saying you're all 100 years off. No matter what the piece is, I'm guessing a fifth of Beethoven. Yeah. is, I'm guessing, a fifth of Beethoven. Yeah. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do de Lune. 50% of all movie soundtracks, WC's Claire de Lune.

That's right. Let that sink in. And then another, maybe 25% would be Chopin's Raindrop Prelude or one of the Nocturnes. Who's your favorite? What kind of pieces do you love to perform? My three

favorite composers are Bach, Chopin, and Debussy. Anything by them, you'll do it. 50% of the time, it's... Yeah, I mean, I devoted my life to it, and I find it to be endlessly enriching and challenging. What's the hipster choice, though? Like, I've heard of them.

What's the hipster choice, though? I've heard of them. What would you say if you wanted to impress a classical music enthusiast about who your favorite was, even if they were actually your sixth favorite? Yeah, what's your deep cut? Any weird ones? William Balcombe. Great. He wrote great rags and also very modern, but very pianistic compositions that are impressive and also very entertaining. Say the name again, because I don't know this one. William Balcombe, B-O-L-C-O-M. And we'll bleep this out if you don't want it out there, if you don't want it on the if you don't want it on the on the websites but uh what composer is just trash um i never really liked uh mendelsohn myself yeah come on mendelsohn he wrote you're right i love his violin concerto the uh oh sure. He's great for violin concertos.

Everybody loves the violin concerto, but the rest of it. I mean, no one's saying anything against the violin concertos, but. Hey, hey, hey. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. I got to have order in this court. Hey, Fart Murray Abraham. You're 100 years off, all right?

Take it down a thousand with the fart noises. Pale of Jesse. I love it. You shouldn't have brought up Mendelssohn if you didn't want the Bronx tear to come out. The horn section's out here for Mendelssohn. I gave you another chance. Xiong, have you ever done that thing where you stand up while you're playing

and then you kick the bench behind you like Jerry Lee Lewis? I once, at the last chord end, I just stood up and pushed the bench back. Yeah, I did that once.

Quite carefully. Thoughtfully. For those of you who are interested, of course, we're going to have a link to Xiong performing some

of his favorite composers on the show page. If there is such a recording that exists, have you ever been recorded before, Xiang? Or do you refuse to be recorded? No, I actually have two solo albums. Wonderful. What are they called? The first one's called Bestiary on Ivory.

It's a CD of old solo piano works inspired by animals. Bestiary on Ivory. And the other one is called Mendelssohn Sucks. Well, then what would I put on there? Anything but Mendelssohn, it's called. Yeah. That's right. So it's all Chopin.

It's all Chopin. All Chopin, all of the time, 100%. That's right. 100% Chopin. What's your favorite music to listen to, Doreen? I actually play a lot of Classico when I'm at work and just doing quiet work. And I also play a lot of Beatles, jazz, and sometimes Taiwanese pop and old days and things like that. What's a Taiwanese pop group that I should be listening to that you love?

Because I got William Bolcom here that I got on my work list. I am a solid fan of Mayday. Mayday. Yeah, so that's a band that I grew up with. I wrote it down. I really wrote it down. I'm going to listen to these. I kind of need to separate, like, going to Taiwan and dealing with family is kind of

a separate issue, because that's just family. Like going to Taiwan and dealing with family is kind of a separate issue because that's just family. Then there's also feeling out of sorts with the with Shung's professional circle of musicians, because what are you going to talk to them about? Mayday? They're all over here going like, doesn't Mendelssohn suck? Sure does. What about that guy? And you're like, what about is Paul dead or not?

The Beatles, remember? Or whatever. But in terms of just sort of generic performance for a regular audience, not burdened with the extra charge of family or professional colleagues, it says here, Sean, that you would like Doreen to feel more comfortable when she is thanked for your work. Because, and this is a quote, Doreen, he wouldn't be playing the same way without her. That's very touching. That's very touching. Can you expound upon that a little? Well, I believe in artists, the performance has everything to do with his or her or their lives. the performance has everything to do with his or her or their lives and um i myself always find it difficult to compartmentalize or separate uh my emotion from one thing to another

so uh during support and love and also um the various uh things that she she takes care of in my life really help me to be able to focus and play the best to my ability. And I think that's not something that one should take for granted. And I feel very lucky to have that. Doreen, how do you feel when you hear that said into a microphone in a studio in Gainesville, Florida, for the whole world to hear? Well, it's very daring. And I feel very loved by hearing that. And, you know, like it's a lot to be a classical musician, right? There's a lot of things.

And it's nice to know those are being appreciated. And I mean, we're good partners. And we take care of things together in the household. So yeah, it's very nice. Great. I'm glad you love each other, but that doesn't change your mind. I take it, Doreen, you'd still like to blow off the meet and greet if you... Well, it's also about, like I said, I like rules.

If you give me, I'll follow them. I want to know if I need to be there. If I am there, what should I do? What role should I play? Like, what's my task? You feel that this has not been clear on a case-by-case basis. You're not sure what it is that Shang would like you to do while he's meeting his public. Yes, yes.

I mean, early days when we first started dating, this did happen. Yes, yes. I mean, early days when we first started dating, this did happen. One of the earliest recital I attended that I literally just stand next to him and he didn't know how to introduce me. Again, that's very early dating days. And I just kind of stood there the whole time and not knowing what should I do? Like, who am I? And people kind of look at me like, who are you? But of course, later in our lives, people do know who I am or could have guessed. Still, I just want to know what's my role at each occasion ahead of time. And then I will turn on the switch. Okay, my role here is da- da, da, da, da. And then I'll get us done. Jesse Thorne made a comment that you might want to project manage the meet and greet. Is that true? I don't think the audience can be project managed.

Oh, I highly disagree. Oh, I mean, there are all kinds of ways that you can communicate expectations to an audience both on stage and at the meet and greet after some of which are just saying like hey we only have 30 minutes so you know you know please be mindful of the people behind you in line or you know for example if you wore a very professional suit and stood behind uh xiang the people would just presume that you're security you know and they wouldn't be they wouldn't necessarily be thanking you for his performance and you might be able to keep things moving along on time by like taking pictures or saying okay

that's all the time we have really project managing it and i don't know i'm just trying to get a sense of like is that something you inherently want to do is like is is to manage it for him or not and the answer no is a great answer by the way i'm just trying to figure it out probably not but i do think a suit is a good idea yeah no one wants to talk to someone wearing a suit yeah and probably sunglasses and a weapon of some kind. Yeah. Conspicuous weapon. Yeah, I'm putting like in a little earpiece.

That's right. I was just thinking. Do you need, Shang, do you need help at the meet and greet, whether it's Doreen's help or someone else's help to move things along? In the larger performance, yes. Although sometimes in those situations, there will be someone there as well to make people stay in line and help with pictures. Right. So I would say, you know, that's not something I really would ask or require Doreen to do. I don't think that should be the reason that she will be there during the meet and greet. I just wish she would just enjoy herself more.

Right, but you can't force fun on someone if it's not enjoyable to them. That's right. So I guess my question to you is, why would I, if I were to rule in your favor, how could I possibly force her to endure this unless you had some real need? Do you know what I mean? And I guess I'd just say, when she's not there, how do you feel? Abandoned? Lonely? Worried?

Well, part of it is also that I would like to get a reaction from her as to how the concert went. And if I don't see her for a long time, you know, regardless, of course, I appreciate people telling me they liked it,

but I also want to hear from her. Well, they're all liars. Yeah, we've met these people. I mean, we've already established if they don't like it, they probably aren't going to stick around to say so. That only happens at Judge John Hodgman shows. Yeah, these people are sitting in the audience whispering to each other, this is some Mendelssohn love.

Oh, my God. I'm going to get in trouble. You're not going to get it. What trouble with the Mendelssohn estate? Where you think Mendelssohn listens? From the heaven, maybe. More like from hell, where he belongs. The devil plays the Judge John Hodgman podcast for Mendelssohn every day. Yeah.

It's his torment. That's what he deserves. I think it's a pretty simple, reasonable ask that she should feel okay if people thank her. And I'll be okay if she could just hang around somewhere where I could see her. So if people who know us, I could just point them to her direction and they want to talk to her. They can go find her. And if I were to rule in your favor, Doreen, what would you have me rule? I am more than happy to be able to meet and greet. But I want to know. Doesn't sound like it.

Doesn't even sound like you'd be plain happy. Never mind more than. I will turn on the switch. Yeah, I feel that. I want to know what role I'm playing at the occasion. And then I can feel prepared to be at the meet and greet. Okay. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I'm going to go in my green room for a while and relax finally. And then I'm going to drag myself back out here for the second part of this performance. I only wish, luckily, I have my friend Jesse Thorne to run interference for me. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Sean, how are you feeling about your chances in the case? I think I feel pretty good. I think the judge is also a performer, and I think he will sympathize with how the meet and greet process is taxing, and it's great to have your loved ones in the presence and to support. I'll tell you what, I've done meet and greets with the judge.

Lately, we've sometimes had VIP tickets that constrains the meet and greet a little bit, but I have done two and a half hour meet and greets with Judge John Hodgman. I've done meet and greets that were longer than the show, for sure. That's a different level. it turns out he likes interacting with others that's a rule Doreen how are you feeling about your chances I am not sure uh I mean it's very daring lovely to hear why he wants me to be there. And I feel like I need to switch the introvert part to extrovert and be supportive there. So I'm not feeling great about my case.

Doreen, the librarian listeners of Judge John Hodgman, which is to say 80% of the listeners of Judge John Hodgman, want to know what you're reading while you're hiding from your husband's fans. Well, it depends on what I'm reading at a time. Currently, I'm reading Unreasonable Hospitality, and it's being delightful. We'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all this when we get back in just a moment. we get back in just a moment. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes,

listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try.

Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-O-D-p-p-b-a-d-i it'll never fit no it will let me try if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-p-d-c-o-o ah we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go. Judge John Hodgman, a lot of our listeners are in the Northeast. That's true.

A lot of our listeners are Wilco fans. That's true. That is true. If only there was some kind of abandoned warehouse full of art installations that they could go to to enjoy the comedy taste of Judge John Hodgman and the music of Wilco. Well, Jesse, I know you've never heard of a region of the United States called New England, but I'm here to tell you it's real and your dreams have come true. Mass MoCA is the Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art. It's a wonderful museum out there in the very west of the very east and every other year around this time. out there in the very west of the very east and every other year around this time.

The incredible band Wilco takes it over and hosts the Solid Sound Festival, a three-day festival of music, arts, and indeed, comedy. And as you know, or maybe you don't, but you're about to find out, I co-host and co-curate the comedy stage at the Solid Sound Festival with our good friend and occasional guest bailiff, Jean Grey. And this year we've got an incredible lineup, including Dave Hill, Todd Barry, Brittany Carney, Sydney Washington, and Eugene Merman. It's going to be a lot of fun. There might even be some surprise guests, I can't say, but you want to be there, just go to solidsoundfestival.com. That is solidsoundfestival.com. It's a really good time and you'll see me and Monty Belmonte wandering around and there's incredible food and drink and surprises around

every corner. And of course, two, not one, but two huge Wilco concerts on Friday and Saturday night. And don't you worry, the comedy is all done when the Wilco starts. So you don't want to miss this because you're not going to miss anything. SolidSoundFestival.com. It's coming up at the end of June. Jesse Thorne, what do you got going on? I was thinking actually about our meet and greets from our last tour, John. Yeah.

One of the things that I found the most gratifying, one of the things that, well, look, something that people often talk to me about is my wife's work. Yes. Her work co-hosting One Bad Mother and her book, It Feels Good to Be Yourself. Something that people often talk to me about is my wife's work. Yes. Her work co-hosting One Bad Mother and her book, It Feels Good to Be Yourself. That's always very touching to me.

But I would say a close second is I feel like this time out, we heard from a lot of Jordan Jesse Goh fans. Folks who had either found Judge John Hodgman through Jordan Jesse Goh or the other way around, found Jordan Jesse Goh through Judge John Hodgman. So I want to thank all those people. And I want to say that if you enjoy Judge John Hodgman and you wish that it was more ridiculous, had no premise, and there were a lot of swear words in it, maybe go check out Jordan Jesse Goh. It is a blast of good vibes and gleeful profanity and vulgarity. Yeah, if you don't have Jordan Morris in your life, I feel sorry for you because he's one of the funniest, nicest guys in the world. And you, you know, obviously a very, very old and dear friend of yours.

And you guys have chemistry like nothing else. And Jordan Jesse Goh is just a great, fun listen. So if you're driving around and you don't have kids in the car, uh, cause there are, it's an adult themes, I would say. Yeah. Distinctly adult. Yeah. Take a listen to Jordan, Jesse go. It's a lot of fun with some amazing guests too. Some of the best guests in comedy. I've been working with Jordan. I think he's the only person I've been working with longer than I've been working with you, John. Like we've been working together for something like 15 years now, and I've been working with longer than I've been working with you, John. Like we've been working together for something like 15 years now. And I've been working with Jordan for more than 20. So sometimes people are like, they have the rapport of old friends. Yeah.

Well, once a week for 20 years. Since you were children, pretty much. Since you were children. 20 and 19, I believe we were when we started working together. 20 and 19. believe we were when we started working together 20 and 19 don't go do do go over to maximum fund.org and search up Jordan Jesse go and I'm just going to put in a plug for your

incredible interview program bullseye which week after week incredibly insightful conversations with the most interesting minds around including one with Allison Brie recently which I really enjoyed listening to yeah I really loved we just played one with DJ Quick, the rapper and producer that I loved. If you've ever listened to a DJ Quick produced

record and wondered what that thing is that goes boi-o-yoing, it's his signature instrument. DJ Quick has such passionate feelings about the boi-o-yoing stick. You're going to want to listen to that. All right, I'm going over there right now let's get back to the case please rise as judge john hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict i will confess that it is true that i've had meet and greets that go on deep into the night and Jesse's not wrong. I do enjoy getting to meet the audience and getting to know them. And I'll even be honest, I enjoy the praise and the feeling of, of being thanked. And I enjoy it because I did it. You know, if I were being thanked for something I didn't do, I'm not really sure it would be a lot of fun for me.

And I also will say that I really enjoy sitting there with my friend and loved one, Jesse Thorne, because it would not be the same if I were doing it by myself. I would not, I would feel more overwhelmed. I love hearing people talk to Jesse and thank Jesse for all of he brings to the live shows and these shows and Bullseye and all the stuff he does on his own. Like, I love sharing that time with everybody. But the difference there, of course, is that Jesse Thorne gets paid. And he's there for, he also did it, you know. I appreciate that it's hard to be a soloist. It's partly why I don't really travel and perform solo anymore. It is a lonely road. And even something as pleasant, truly pleasant, as being thanked by people who have come to see the show can feel lonely when

you are literally alone and you don't know where your spouse is and they haven't even bothered to come up to you after the show to say, nice job. I'm going to go read Unreasonable Hospitality now. I think you did good or whatever. It can be lonely. And I really, I really look, the answer is pretty obvious. You know, you love your wife. You love your music. Those are the top two.

You also love your Lego sets and your bobbleheads. And the cookbook collection. And you love Kenji Lopez Alt. That's right. We do. Yeah. And, I mean, here are two possible solutions that leave Doreen in the clear. One, get a Lego portrait of your wife.

That can be done. Two, bobblehead of your wife. Three, get Kenji Lopez-Alt to stand there. Then I think you would feel a little, I think you'd feel a little shown up, honestly. I think people would want to talk to him. No offense, John. People love to talk to Kenji Lopez-Alt, me included. All those things are options for you. But the fact of the matter is, and what really resonated, aside from Doreen saying that she was an only child and therefore

I was going to rule for her from the beginning, obviously, was that she needed to know what the rules were. And there is ambiguity. In each of these conditions, it's a little bit of a different game. When you are performing for a bunch of strangers in Altoona, or performing for a bunch of old friends and colleagues in New Hampshire, or performing for family in Taiwan or wherever else it might be, or performing for, you know, classical music heads slash Mendelssohn haters and other colleagues. Kind of the rules are a little different in each of those situations. And Doreen doesn't know what they are. And she, you know, has, like a lot of us, gone from a very, well, I'll speak for me, a very, you know, sort of natural extroversion into a now more geriatric Gen X-y introversion. And it's reasonable. The hospitality is reasonable in the sense that it really would

benefit Doreen to know what the rules are. And, you know, Doreen, first and foremost, you can make the rules for yourself. I mean, the rule can be, I'm not doing this anymore, period. I love you, but it's not fun for me. And you got to figure out a way to do it on your own. That's a rough one. Because I think that you feel like you want to be able to help your loved one and offer a certain hospitality that is not unreasonable. And so I think that you need to establish the rules together.

And I think I'm going to offer a suggestion of the rules, and then you guys can go and talk about it and see if that works for you and your marriage. I think one of the things that I sensed from Shang is he doesn't trust his audience. He believes that their praise is empty. he believes that their praise is empty. I'm feeling this very much. Right. And that he would like to get some feedback from them. One,

the one person he knows, he can be honest with him, judge John Hodgman, but since he can't be there during, and I think during, it would be good to offer to come backstage right after the show before the meet and greet and just say that was a wonderful job i loved it i'm not lying here is my clap i did another great one and then to ask should i turn on the switch because you talked about turning on the switch you are capable

of turning on the switch and that is to say to turn on the switch from introvert to modulated extroversion, to perform a specific task that Shang needs in that situation. And that switch has to be sort of figured out by you, Shang. Do I need Doreen here during the meet and greet? It could be something like, I know that you don't feel like it, but there's some old friends in the audience who are, you know, and they'd love to see you.

Do you mind just talking to them and making sure that they feel seen and happy for being here or whatever it is? You know, the kind of things that spouses often ask of each other and hopefully equally as things go on. Or if there's a thing like, this is a really long line and I'm really, I hate to ask this of you because I'm not paying you,

but if maybe you could keep it moving a little bit or offer to take pictures or whatever it is, you know, and I would, I would suggest that you ask Doreen to turn on the switch rarely, you know, to really determine whether you absolutely need something other than a moment together right after the show for you both to connect and you shun to feel good about your performance and gain some energy for the meet and greet after. But if there's something that she can really help you with in terms of moral support or, you know, literal support, not literal support, she's not holding you up, but you know what I mean, practical, practical support, then I think it's reasonable to ask from time to time

do you mind turning on the switch this time and i also think you know during that you can make the rules in the sense that if you are asked to be there and it's acceptable to you and you say yes when people thank you for his performance just come up with something to say and just say it over and over and over again until you go into a dissociative fugue state perhaps but you know like i get it it's a weird thing but people just want to express their happiness that this happened that we are able to be together and music is being played and it sounded good and they you, you know, when they say thank you for Shung's performance, obviously it makes no sense. And all you have to say is like,

oh, thank you. He's wonderful, isn't he? Or something. Just come up with a line so that you can evade that awkwardness. Or if people say, what instrument do you play? Say, I'm actually a project manager and I'd rather be reading a book right now or something. Judge Hodgman, I used to get letters all the time I put this on from people who said, since I've started dressing more nicely, people often compliment me on my clothes and I don't know what to say. I'm overwhelmed and I hate it. And the answer for what to say is, thank you. I hate it. And the answer for what to say is, thank you. That's kind of you to say.

Right. If someone compliments you on what you do, Noreen, or on what Xiang does, say, thank you. That's kind of you to say. Make sure to check out my menswear blog at putthison.com. But my baseline ruling is I'm ruling in Noreen's favor. The baseline is you don't have to do this. I think it's just decent to check in with your loved one

at the end of each concert and say, I saw it. It was great. I'm here for you if you need me. I hope you don't. I am not going to disappear. I have not gone back to the hotel in disgust at how you performed.

And I'll be ready to go when you are ready to go. Or I need to go back to the hotel because of X, Y, and Z I'll be ready to go when you are ready to go, or I need to go back to the hotel because of X, Y, and Z, and you're just going to have to do it without me. Like, if you don't know what the rules are, make the rules, set the rules together. And there you go. And also I rule that Mendelsohn sucks. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Sean, how are you feeling about the judge's decision?

I think it's excellent advice and it should solve most of the issues. And I look forward to implementing them for my next performance. Doreen, how are you feeling? I feel great. There's a rule. Now I can follow. Xiang Doreen, thank you so much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you for having us.

Thank you. Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books. We'll have swift justice in just a second. First, our thanks to Redditor Bentsko for naming this week's episode Star Witnesser. If you want to name a future episode, join us on the Maximum Fun Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. That's where we ask for those submissions. It's also a great place to chat about each week's show. Always got a lot of fun, pleasant people there on the Maximum Fun Reddit. You know, Reddit sometimes gets a bad reputation. Maximum Fun Sub is all about good vibes. Love it there. Love it there. Yeah, all of online has a bad reputation and just so.

I mean, I've earned it pretty much. Yeah, that's fair. But the Maximum Fun Sub Reddit is a good vibe and it's a good time. And I enjoy hanging out over there and seeing all your good vibe comments and your incredibly funny title suggestions. So thank you for those. Evidence and photos from the show are posted on our Instagram account. That is Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman. You can also find them on the open web on the episode page for this week's episode at MaximumFun.org.

We're on TikTok and YouTube at JudgeJohnHodgmanPod. On YouTube, you can watch full episodes of our program, plus live premieres Wednesday morning, 9 a.m. Pacific, noon Eastern, live premieres of each week's Judge John Hodgman video on the judge John Hodgman YouTube page. And a lot of times Jen and John and I are hanging out in the chat when that happens. But certainly you can chat with other Max fun fans and judge John Hodgman viewers. It's a nice time over there in those live premieres. Follow us, subscribe us there, please. And thank you. Follow us, subscribe us there, please. and being judgy just as much. The hosts of Judge John Hodgman are funny. The guests are offbeat,

except for Doreen, who was exactly onbeat, was amazing. And the complaints are ridiculous in the best way. And, quote, do you hear that, Jesse? We're as popular as murder podcasts. Woo-hoo! We finally reached crime levels of popularity. Thank you very much, RDV-D, or shall I say

Dr. R-D-V, and thank you to everyone who's been reviewing the podcast all over the place and spreading the word, even if it's just talking about it to a friend. It really helps people discover the show. Yeah, pick a favorite episode. Homework for this week, if I might. Pick a favorite episode, think of someone who might enjoy

it, and send it to them. Send it in a text message or an email or at them on social media or post it on their Facebook wall, MySpace it to them, send it to them on Friendster, pick your favorite episode and send it to somebody that might enjoy it. It really, look, we don't have buy-in advertisements. You know what I mean? We don't have advertisement buying money. No. We've't have advertisement buying money. No. We've only got camera buying money right now. Yeah, yeah. So send it to a friend.

It really does make a huge difference if you love the show. Yeah, and share the YouTube video. Just click the share and post it to someplace or whatever. That's fun. Post it to someplace or whatever. Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. This episode engineered by Lily Ruckstuhl and Abigail Clark at Pulp Arts in Gainesville, Florida.

The podcast edited by A.J. McKeon. Our video editor is Daniel Spear. Natty Lopez runs our social media. And our producer is the ever-capable Jennifer Marmer. Now, Swift Justice, where we answer your small disputes with quick judgment. Amy asks, are anklets tacky? I say no. I say no. What do you say, Jesse? I mean, yes, but I'm not going to get in the way of anybody's fun. You know what I mean? They're a fun kind of tacky for sure. I mean, yes, but I'm not going to get in the way of anybody's fun. You know what I mean? They're a fun kind of tacky for sure. I mean, they have a limited to vibe.

Yeah, I suppose that's true. I don't know. I don't know. I feel like I bet you with the right anklet, no matter what, you can carry it off. Jennifer Marmer, host of March Maldness on the Maximum Fun Podcast. If you were going to buy an anklet at the mall, what store would you be hitting up? Limited 2 for sure. Limited 2. I nailed it. That's great.

Although I think they're gone now, so now probably Justice. Okay. Probably hit up Justice, Judge Hodgman. All right. That's where I'll go. I'm going to put my ankle where my mouth is, which is very uncomfortable. Hey, we talked a little bit today about what it is to be a solo artist. I'd love to hear more artist disputes. Did someone in your ceramic studio always snag the best pottery wheel? Do you have a friend who always tries

to touch the art at the museum? Did you get splashed by soup while admiring the Mona Lisa in January and you want to sue for damages? Get some of that Louvre money? Submit your art cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Judge Hodgman, can I tell you something I learned from my colleague Kevin here at Maximum Fun? He's the senior producer of Bullseye.

Yeah. He used to work at the Orange County Art Museum. The way you can tell a classy museum from a two-bit museum is whether the security guards get chairs. Hmm. If there's a chair or a stool there, then it's a classy joint. If there's no chair or stool there, then it's a two-bit operation. Two-bit operation. Yeah, everyone deserves to take a load off from time to time.

But we don't only want to hear art-related disputes, right, Jesse? Any subject is welcome at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. That's MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. No case is too big or too small. Our whole show runs on them, so please share them with us. That form is at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Very easy to share them. And we're answering cases in all kinds of forms these days, not just here on the podcast, but also, of course, John answers them in the New York Times Magazine. We've been answering them on social media in video form. And, Judge Hodgman, we've got big plans for a new regular Judge John Hodgman feature for members of Maximum Fund only. Talking about a members-only mailbag, something like that? Bingo, bingo. So if you are a member of Maximum Fund, and thank you to everyone who has been a member forever, thank you to everyone who joined during the Max Fund Drive. Once a month, we're going to be clearing out the member mailbag. So if you have a case for Judge John Hodgman,

going to be clearing out the member mailbag. So if you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, submit it at MaximumFund.org slash JJHO. Indicate that you are a member. And for the time being, we guarantee we will solve any dispute. All member disputes will be solved if you submit it at MaximumFund.org slash JJHO and you tell us you're a member in that members-only, monthly Judge John Hodgman members mailbag. Yeah. And the members-only mailbag is a great place for you to clear out your other kinds of questions, too. Questions about etiquette, questions about advice. If you want to defend Felix Mendelsohn, the composer, that's a good place to do it.

This is a big tent. This is going to be a big tent program. Yeah, exactly so. For our local mini following. Anyway, submit your cases at maximumfund.org slash JJHO. Become a member at maximumfund slash maximumfund.org slash join and keep those cards and letters coming. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. maximum fun a worker-owned network of artists owned shows supported directly by you