Judge John Hodgman - Suing For Soul Custody

Episode Date: February 23, 2022

Elena brings the case against her husband, Jason. Jason would like to sell his soul on a blockchain. But Elena thinks that this is a terrible idea! Who's right? Who's wrong?SPOILER ALERT: Visit MaxFunStore.com NOW and get your EPISODE JOKE REDACTED t-shirt while you can! Sales end March 9!Thank you to Twitter Users @AmeliaEHelmfor & @PaulSieger4 for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, follow us on Twitter for naming opportunities: @JesseThorn & @Hodgman. Or keep track using the Twitter hashtag #JJHoCaseNames.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, suing for soul custody. Alina brings the case against her husband, Jason. Jason would like to sell his soul on a blockchain. Alina thinks this is a terrible idea. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. Hmm, that Adam. He was a tough proposition. I tried him with everything you know. Grapefruit, bananas, nectarines, nothing. But finally, that apple. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Alina, Jason, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he has invested his life savings in something called sassy donkeys? Absolutely. We do. It's a virtual good. Yeah, I'm telling you, Jess, sassy donks, that's the way to go. Now, the donks I've purchased to this point have been entirely

fungible. Get in on the ground floor of them sassy donks. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Alina and Jason, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment. In one of yours favors, can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this court of fake internet international law? As we speak

to you now, you are in Sydney, Australia. Alina, what is your guess? Oh, um, it wasn't quite what I expected. Okay. What were you expecting? Maybe something slightly less biblical.

We're talking about the sale of a soul here. Where did you think I was going to go? I was going the blockchain angle. The blockchain angle. Well, see, you miscalculated because I don't know what that is. And many people have tried to explain it to me. And maybe Jason will succeed this time. What was going to be your guess for the blockchain angle, which is, by the way, a terrible 90s band? Maybe an Elon Musk Twitter thread. An Elon Musk Twitter thread. That's not impossible. I'll put that guess into the guest book.

That Adam, he was a tough proposition. I tried him with everything, you know, grapefruit, bananas, nectarines, but finally that apple, Jason of Sydney, Australia. What is your guess, if I may ask? Is it a line from the 2000 remake of the 1967 classic Bedazzled? No, I thought someone would think I would go there, but no, I zigged when you zagged. I've seen no bedazzles. Such a shame. Missing out. Great films.

Which is the one that I should see? The Orig? No. Definitely not. It's a little bit too, from the past. Oh, okay. Is it problematic? Yeah, a little bit. Oh. Is one of the main problems that it doesn't have enough Brendan Fraser in it?

Correct. And Liz Hurley. Let's face it. Really? I should see the remake of Bedazzled. But does that one have Peter Cook in it as the devil? It does not. It has Liz Hurley in it as the devil. All right. That's pretty good. She was known as the Peter Cook of her generation.

Definitely. I was definitely leaning older school to your newer school because I was quoting from a film, a 1973 television movie that was a backdoor pilot for a television comedy that never got made. It was a workplace comedy set in hell called Poor Devil, co-starring Christopher Lee as Mr. Lucifer, the boss, whom I was quoting and starring. Jesse Thorne, do you know this one? No. You don't know? The poor devil who just can't.

He's just a klutz, my goodness. And he just can't get people to sell their souls. And this whole TV movie is about this character trying to get Jack Klugman to sell his soul. And the poor devil is Sammy Davis Jr. It's an incredible document. You can find it on YouTube. Sammy Davis Jr., of course, never was a confirmed member of the Church of Satan in San Francisco, but he did apparently attend some parties there at the Black House, Anton LaVey's Black House, which was the headquarters of the Church of Satan in San Francisco,

which of course was a secular organization. It was not actual Satan worshippers, but just sort of libertines with a kind of do what thou will be the whole of the law. I know, I know. It's Alistair Crowley. Don't get down on me. It was basically like Ayn Rand fanatics with goat masks. That was the Church of Satan. Great movie, which you didn't guess. So now we must hear the case, which is about

blockchain and about your eternal soul. Alina, you come to seek justice in this court. Tell me the justice that you seek. Well, late last year, Jason, who I describe as a bit of a wantrepreneur, he's always coming up with business ideas. Hold on, I'm writing that one down. Do you have that trademarked globally or just in Australia? Because I'm about to make a fortune. Wantrepreneur. All right.

Go on. He's a wantrepreneur. So he's been coming up with business ideas, I'd imagine, well before we got together, but for the entirety of our relationship. How long have you been together, if I may ask? We've been together for eight years, married for three. Congratulations. Thank you. And late last year, he was in the process of pitching me quite a good business idea, I think.

And he added onto that, while we were on a walk one day, the fact that he would like to sell his soul on the blockchain. All right. First of all, what was the good business idea he was pitching you? Are we allowed to, can we shark tank this? I don't think he wants me to share that because it's still one he's considering. It's proprietary. It's an app that's a sort of virtual hangout. Yeah. Virtual watering hole, Jason's a sort of virtual hangout. Yeah, virtual watering hole. Jason's Place, that kind of thing. It's a bit metaverse, you know? Yeah, yeah.

No, absolutely fantastic. All right. You know what? I'll make it happen for you if you sell me your soul. We'll talk about it later. Point is, I'm not the devil. No one can prove it. Second point is, Jason, before we get into whether or not you should sell your soul

on the blockchain a blockchain i don't know i need you to explain to me what is a blockchain and i want you to understand i'm not coming at this from like an old keys are like what are these blockchains anyway i think they're dumb because i don't understand them i'm coming at it like my brain cannot absorb this information i want to know smart people including jon Colton, my dear friend who has been explaining things to my dumb head for a long time. Even back when my dumb head was functioning properly, couldn't get it through to me. Can you explain what a blockchain is? And then we'll talk about how you sell your soul on it.

Happy to. and then we'll talk about how you sell your soul on it. Happy to. So I think the best way I've understood it is it is a digital ownership certificate application done with lots of different computers in lots of different places. But basically, all it does is work really, really hard and use a lot of energy to figure out who owns what. This certificate is a bit of code somewhere? It is.

I think it's an entry into a ledger. Okay. A virtual ledger. A virtual ledger, which no one person, so it's not like your spreadsheet, say, or my spreadsheet or the bank's spreadsheet. Instead, it's a spreadsheet, which lots of different people, independent and all incentivized to get it right, work to get it right. Okay.

Okay. And so essentially you are, essentially, you are... And cryptocurrency works because it is tied to or connected to blockchain, is that correct? Each coin... I think it exists on it. I don't know. Now you're talking. How can a cryptocurrency be on a blockchain?

It's all floating around in the virtual webs. The ether, right? Yeah. Right. Yeah. Well, the other piece is reflecting on your own, say, banking. Your money exists on the bank's proprietary- What do you know about my money? What is going on here?

All of our monies exists on banks' IT systems. Effectively, they've got a line which says, the venerable Judge John Hodgman and money. And you can then move that money to other people or you can keep it or you can earn some interest on it. But it is sort of like a blockchain without the whole, nobody owns it. I'm not that old. I know how money works. I know how money works.

Well, it's the same deal. So just as money is kind of spooky. It's not the same. If it were the same, it would be the same. It's different. By the way, thank you for using my full legal name, the venerable John Hodgman. I'm a little worried that you have access to my birth certificate, apparently. He can tell that you're wearing your mortarboard.

Here's what I got out of this, Jason. And you can tell me if I'm on target or off target. Here's what I got out of this, Jason, and you can tell me if I'm on target or off target. Blockchain refers to a computer code that is unique and identified with an asset that you own in the virtual world. And that could be a coin or that could be a non-fungible token. But this blockchain is the thing that indicates it is yours and yours alone, and it is unique. Is that more or less correct? Sounds good to me. I think, yeah, it goes to the idea of there can only be one or there can only be the set number and it figures out who is owning that nominal thing. Sure. The Highlander principle.

I think you did it much better than I did. So yes, thank you. The Highlander principle. I think you did it much better than I did. So yes, thank you. There can only be one. Yeah. Okay. So here you are having a stroll along the promenade of Sydney, Australia with your wife and you are pitching this incredible business idea.

What was it again? It's not even that good, but because Alina doesn't want to share it, I feel like I shouldn't share it. Oh, okay. All right. No, I understand. So apropos of nothing, you bring up this idea of you want to sell your soul. Jason, I want to hear about this idea. Why don't I buy

you a virtual drink? Why don't you play a virtual round of golf? I don't know if you're dropping us a hint, but if you were talking about Frolf in the metaverse. Meta-Frolf. We just got rich, John. We just got rich. Okay. So you're pitching virtual Frolf, but too bad that Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman already, the venerable John Hodgman already trademarked that. So then you're like, what am I going to do to make money? I know I'll sell my soul on blockchain. How's this going to work? What does this involve? This is a very good question. So part of the genesis of the idea is I have some technical friends who like doing the spooky stuff on the blockchain, which frankly is, as probably my articulation of how it all works, technically beyond me. But they assure me it works in various ways and they want to do something.

Are you talking about wizards? What do you mean the spooky stuff on the blockchain? You know, they do the black magic. You're talking about inter-necromancers? Exactly. Yes. They're very spooky. And then they pass as regular software engineers by day.

But at night, they do all sorts of weird things on the line. Oh, my goodness. This is the new Church of Satan. Sammy Davis Jr. would be glad to join your club. It's quite a party. Tell me about the spooky stuff they're doing online after hours. Are you joking me? No, no. One fellow has created a marketplace for NFTs, which tacks onto the marketplace and the NFT platform of an Australian Web3 business called immutable um and so he

he's done that and he's quite into the whole thing none of this sounds spooky yet what are you talking about the spooky stuff they do like well i think are you talking about legitimately spooky like toil toil no no i mean i mean like digital spooky in the sense that it's destabilizing the governmental and financial systems of our world. Okay. Sorry. And facilitating the ownership of digital goods, which kind of feel a little ethereal and not quite real. And the ownership you get through the blockchain feels a little spooky as well, in the sense of getting an ownership certificate pointing to a thing which anyone can download. So it's kind of this social fact of ownership rather than any practical exclusive rights to the thing

you own, right? Jason, you don't have to explain it to us. We got seven stars named after us, baby. We got the certificates to prove it. I just urge you to choose your words very carefully because- Technical wizardry should be distinguished from black magic soul metaphysical wizardry right well yeah first of all because that stuff's scary yeah yeah and when you say like i mean all of these words like when you say oh technically a bitcoin is on a blockchain these words have no meaning i need to they're all they're purely metaphorical so when you say something is spooky, I have to ask myself, is that a metaphor? Or are you talking about a ghost?

And I don't want to have, I'm trying to, I'm trying to help you figure this out. So don't send me down blind alleys, metaphorical ones or literal ones with the enchanting idea that there are literal blockchain enchanters who claim to be able to tag souls to blockchain. Which is what you, that's your innovation. All right. So you have some friends who are messing around on the blockchain. They're going out to parks late at night, drinking some Jägermeister, doing some pentagram graffiti, maybe doing some weird secret rituals on blockchain. But they're just kids hanging out and having a good time. No need for a satanic panic. Got it.

How do you put your soul in a blockchain? Why are we even talking about this? It seems impossible. So it's the same as putting any physical artwork or digital artwork kind of on the blockchain. You basically create the ownership certificates on the blockchain pointing to it. And you've got all sorts of interesting design choices, like do I want to sell my whole soul in one unit? Or do I want to chop it up into a lot of little pieces and sell each of those? It's the promise of a soul, like a dollar bill is the promise of a money. Or like when you're too cheap to get your parents a proper Christmas gift, you send them a card saying this entitles you to one free back rub. That's right. And just instead of kind of the current NFTs with the digital art kind of attached to it,

all they do is have a link which points to a non-blockchain part of the web where this digital file is stored. Yeah. It would instead just be kind of Jason's soul or one 10,000th of Jason's soul or whatever unit I want to sell. So yeah, I can see a world in which this could work. If NFTs, which are just like a bad digital image of a raccoon wearing a pork pie hat or whatever, is selling for 3 million Australian dollars or whatever, you go out there with Jason's soul, buy a piece of Jason's soul.

I've got the digital certificate to prove you own it. There are probably some people who would speculate in that market. That would be a big market innovation, right? I've never heard of it before. Have you? No. He shakes his head no. Alina, may I ask why you don't like this idea? Well, I've got two main problems with the idea of Jason selling his soul. Sure. One of them comes perhaps from a bit of Simpsons related trauma. All right. From the episode of The Simpsons where Bart sells his soul and has suddenly not the ability for automatic doors to open and has no breath.

And when all of the other kids are rowing to the island in the afterlife, he's on his own without his soul to help him row. So he just goes around in circles. Right. And although I'm not a religious person, I am a little bit superstitious and I like to hedge my bets. Sure. And as a married couple. Agnostics. We make no claims.

We take no risks. Exactly. So my concern is if Jason did successfully sell his soul that upon our deaths, that might make the afterlife non-ideal and we might not get to be together. Right. He might end up in some kind of purgatory. Right. I mean, when you consider all of the possible outcomes of death,

there is one that there could be a literal heaven with white robes and liars. Bling, bling, bling. And there could be an evil devil down in hell poking Anton LaVey with a fork and making him cry. And Anton LaVey is going like, I was only joking. And even if it's not that, we don't know if there is a soul and if it's potentially useful. So it seems like- Could be handy.

It could be handy. Yeah. You might need it to help canoe, as you learned from The Simpsons. Absolutely. You're not willing to risk your beloved soul. No. Either for money or internet spooky cred. For nothing. For nothing at all. Let me just understand what the stakes and the terms are here. Jason, I don't want a thousandth of your soul. I don't want a little bit of it. I want the whole thing. What are you charging for the whole soul? I'm going to hang it on my wall. I think it's whatever the person who is willing to pay the most is willing to pay. Yeah, I know. But you've got to have an idea, a hope of what you might be going for here.

Think of the dumbest NFT that you can... What's the dumbest NFT that you can think of? I had Raccoon with a pork pie hat. Oh, the wacky whales. The whale one. Tell me what a wacky whale is. Oh, they're just pixelated whales. So, all right. Let me just explain to the other people who are not children in this listenership. An NFT stands for a non-fungible token. It's usually an image, which in the digital age normally could be reproduced endlessly.

That's what Walter Benjamin was talking about, art in the age of mechanical reproduction. There is no authenticity to a digital image because it can be recreated and replicated perfectly endlessly. Instead, you tag one of them with a little bit of blockchain juice or whatever, and all of a sudden that becomes a non-fungible. That means it is not tradable for anything else other than itself, token. It is unique and owned by someone and you can sell it. These wacky whales, how much does a wacky whale go for?

Oh, I'm not sure. I think the whole set went for like 500,000 US dollars. 500,000 dollars. How many wacky whales you get in that pack, in that wacky pack? Like a lot. This is why I thought the sort of a 10,000th might be a good angle. I think there was in the thousands. So, you know. Thousands of wacky whales. Thousands of slightly different pixelated wacky whales. Okay.

Are they different amounts of wacky or all the same? I think it's thematically wacky. So, I think more like different flavors of wacky rather than degree. Or just the juxtaposition is wacky of the different types of whales. Maybe the fact anyone is willing to pay any money for digital whales is wacky. So it just sort of comes for free. Let's take a quick recess. We'll be back in just a moment on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel.

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Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example?

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online directly to you the consumer at a very reasonable price yeah if you want to take your cooking to the next level remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Here's what I'm going to say, Jason. As soon as this episode airs, if I have not ruled in your favor and you've not already gone to market with the Jason's Soul NFT, someone is going to put their soul. They're going to hear this and they're going to be like, good idea.

And there are going to be a lot of souls available. Maybe the market will be flooded. But even then, the first person who takes the soul to market is going to make thousands upon thousands of dollars, is my guess. Get a lot of attention. I believe that Grimes has had her soul for sale for a couple of years, and no one has yet purchased it. Oh, okay. Well, I did not know that. I did not realize that. So did you think this idea was original to you, Jason, or have you been misrepresenting yourself this entire time? I did think it was original to me, particularly at the time I was pitching it.

It was a terrific idea. Grimes, the pop star, this is why you were going with that Elon Musk idea, Alina, right? Isn't Grimes the pop star? I may have had an angle. It says here on the internet, Grimes, the mother of X, A, E, A, X, xae axii and girlfriend of elon musk is selling her soul only there's not a blockchain in sight it's up for grabs for a cool 10 mil but she hasn't made an nft of herself alex masmej who did tokenize himself is the term here discusses the proposed sale artist lincoln townley says turning a soul into a token won't work. This is from decrypt.co. Looks like one of the leading news sites in the crypto culture of today. Okay, so it's not the first time. Grimes is up for 10 million. Frankly, I think it's

overpriced. I think $1,000 Australian probably would be a starting point. Would you dispute that, Jason? What would you be hoping to get? My best case would be a moderately priced Australian and Sydney home in particular. Oh, okay. But I would settle for a deposit. A deposit on a house in Sydney, Australia. Okay. That's right. And what would be the amount it sold for where you were like, this was a terrible idea.

I didn't get enough. Like obviously $5 would be bad, but sold for where you were like, this was a terrible idea. I didn't, I didn't get enough. Like obviously $5 would be bad, but less than what? A hundred? Less than a thousand? 50,000, I think. If you don't break 50K Australian on your soul. That's right. You're going to embarrass.

It's going to be a little embarrassing. Well, look, I think you put a good price on your, on your immortal being. So Alina, you said no. How did that make you feel, Jason, when Alina said, no, I don't want you to do that? A little bit hurt and deflated. I felt like she didn't understand why I wanted to. And it got conflated as kind of being a bad business idea where I think it's like clearly a scheme rather than a business idea. It's a one-time arbitrage opportunity. Doesn't make the world particularly better, but is fun to think about and potentially do. Particularly better? In what infinitesimal way does it make the world better? Other than I suppose, making me have a good time. I guess that's true. You're right.

Entertainment value. Yeah. And something to do, right? Like you've got a striving and making something. Anyway, yeah, but does not make the world particularly better. But let me investigate that just a second more, because you made a differentiation between scheme and business idea. Define the difference between those two. And this would be a scheme, not a business proposal. Clearly a scheme, yeah. So a business idea is to create something which delivers more

value to customers than it costs for the business to create that thing. And so it is kind of sustainable. It genuinely makes the world better. People get a thing they wouldn't have got otherwise or the flavor of a thing they wouldn't have got otherwise, and they're paying a price they're willing to pay, and the business is doing it in a way which is efficient enough that they make some money, and wacko happy days. Where a scheme is much more- A scheme is a thing you make up to annoy your partner. Exactly. And it comes out of the same part of the brain, right? But sometimes an opportunity is not sustainable and is not kind of wholesome or as wholesome as a business is.

It's a little bit dirty and it's a little bit of a, you know. A little bit shady. It's a scheme. A little bit. Yeah. Like how could selling your soul on blockchain not be considered wholesome? That's ridiculous. Jason, what is your background? Are

you in business? I am. And so professionally, I tend to have to put the sober voice of reason hat on when sort of working in a professional capacity. And so I think I have a lot of leftover business creative energy, which often fuels this constant stream of either business ideas or schemes, which just come out of my mouth, whether I want them to or not, to my trusted confidant. And so you felt deflated when Alina said no. For those of us who follow the Jason soul market, your soul really took a nosedive that day. I'm lucky I stayed in because it has slowly recovered value and reinflated itself. But you were a husk of a human that day.

I was. I think I was a little bit hurt that Alina thought it was a business idea rather than a scheme, and that she thought that I thought it was something actually substantial and meaningful rather than at least a thought exercise and at most a little side project to do with some friends. I would like to refute that. Please refute away. Because I remember the conversation very vividly. Yes.

And I initially thought it was a joke and probed further. And Jason was very insistent that it was a real idea and even had a plan for how he was going to market and enact it. And that was when I started to panic, realizing that he was potentially to market and enact it. And that was when I started to panic, realizing that he was potentially actually going to do it and said no. Yeah, but I think, Jason, you would say that it was not a joke, nor was it a business plan. It was simply a scheme. That's correct.

Of the get-rich-quick varietal. Very much so. And so there was a concrete plan. To Alina's point, there was absolutely a concrete plan. Yeah. You didn't spring this on her on your romantic walk without having your deck available to show her your 35 slides. He did indeed. Well, I had some pre-thinking down.

Wait a minute, Alina. Did he bring out a laptop and show you his presentation? No, that was part of the problem. What do you mean? He should have? If he'd had a really well thought through presentation, maybe he would have been able to convince me. Okay, hit me, Jason.

This is your shot to convince both Alina and me. Okay. So the technical side is- Don't go on any blind alleys. All right. Don't talk about wizards. So straight down the middle. Yeah.

Okay. So you need two pieces. You need fulfillment of the soul on the blockchain. And my technical friends can do that. And they might take a cut, but that's okay. And then on the other side is you need demand. You need to kind of do some work to get people aware that the soul is for sale. Jason, Jason, Jason.

We all know that you can attach a soul to a blockchain simply by putting it on one. We know that you have secret wizard friends who are able to do it. But yeah, I'm wondering where's the market for this? Who wants to buy Jason's soul? How do you reach those people? What is your promotional budget? Shark tank it for me, my friend. Tell me how it goes. Excellent. So what we would do is, because we have no money to put into it, is go for a PR approach. And so Australia, and I'm not sure if this is the case in the US, but our morning television in particular will put literally anything on the air if there is a half decent media

release written. Sure. anything on the air if there is a half decent media release written. And so the goal would be to hit all of those easily accessible, high content value for them opportunities. So we'd be getting into- You do the kook circuit on Australian morning TV. Exactly. Like the person who married themselves, I would be the guy who was selling his soul on the blockchain and they get to talk about blockchain and- We have listeners by the way who have married themselves. So please tread lightly. It is a

valid life choice. I apologize. Hannah did a great job. Jason, what's the evidence for your claim you can get on these morning shows? What morning shows have you been on? This is a very good point. I have not personally been on the morning shows, but people I've worked with in a professional capacity have gotten on for various things like digital wheels or mattresses in a box or... Whoa, whoa, whoa. First, you're making fun of people who marry themselves.

Now you're making fun of mattresses in a box? What, you want to destroy all podcasts? He's very pro mattress in a box. I'm actually quite pro. This is the lifeblood of all podcasts. The premier Australian mattress in a box business was in fact my employer for a number of years. So I am very pro the mattress in the box. Did they get to go on morning television?

They did, but I think they ended up actually buying an infomercial and doing a comedic take. You don't have any money. You have to book yourself on the kook circuit. Exactly. I think they ended up actually buying an infomercial and doing a comedic take on those infomercials. You don't have any money. You have to book yourself on the kook circuit. Exactly. How are you going to break into that highly competitive circuit? It's true. It's true.

Send a press release. Press release. I know someone who does do these press releases for other people and I could ask a favor and they could kind of dress it up appropriately. Beyond the morning television circuit, is that your whole plan? It's most of my plan. You're putting all your souls in that basket?

It really is, yeah. And hopefully from the back of that, it's vaguely interesting enough. Any top target? Any ideal? My idea, and this is also for personal reasons, I think, if you really boil it down. I think a lot of this is for personal reasons yes

i think most of it's pretty civic minded making the world just a titsy bit better uh no uh there's a morning show um which is hosted by a gentleman called koshi uh and i i kind of want to get on to koshi's morning show now you sent in some evidence, the two of you, including some samples of David Kosh. Okay. And you sent in a photo of him, and he's in that classic TV contrarian pose. He's got one arm under his elbow with one finger touching his lips whimsically. And some clips from his show. He's a very spry guy you describe him i believe alina you send in this evidence as a boomer dad tv presenter that jason wants to be interviewed by uh kashi is a like a financial

commentator right on these shows bafflingly he's also the main anchor host. So he manages to maintain a portfolio career. He's got his own internet-only retail investor finance service, media platform, which is his own kind of business. And he also is the anchor host on, I think it's called Mornings. It's Sunrise, Jay. Sunrise, my mistake. Oh, my God. Alina, he doesn't even know the name of the show that he wants to be on.

That he wants to be on, that he knows he can get on. That he knows he can get on. What are you going to do? Write them a letter saying, hey, I would love to be on your show, whatever it's called. I know Kashi. Let's make this happen. Signed, Soul Seller, Jason. I think Jason is hoping that his idea is so enticing and appealing that that will be enough

for them to want to have him on. Hey, first to market, if Grimes weren't already out there for 10 million, if you could be possibly the first Australian, perhaps, I mean, I could see that could be compelling to a morning TV show. But you've got no, I mean, Alina, do you think that he's secretly hoping that you're going to step in and be the grown-up in this situation and like remind him of the names of the shows that he wants to be on i think that professionally definitely would only happen with my genuine support and help because he's not that great at the administration side of things i would say that

your presentation so far and this is not personal, but has been a little lackluster. This is a very interesting idea. But you're, but you're telling, you're telling it in a very sideways kind of way. And every now and then you bring up an idea and then you don't remember what the name of the show is going to be.

There's not a lot of pizzazz in this soul selling scheme. Yeah. I'd like to see you wearing like an outfit covered in dollar signs or something like that yeah for sure i mean i need to see some props do you know what i mean i need you like mopping up a spill with an incredible with a sham wow or something and going like this this mop soaks up dollars because it's made of my soul i don't know something like that so tajman you remember Slim Goodbody? He was an American television personality who wore a spandex suit that had all his organs

printed on it. What if we got Jason one of those? All right. But you can't find the soul on a map of your organs. The soul is elusive. That's what makes it so sellable. You don't even know if it's real. Jason, real talk. Do you believe your soul is real? I have to say yes, because I want to sell it, but I don't think I'm going to miss it. I think it may be gone. You may have lost it a long time ago. Alina. Yes.

I know that you're agnostic on the subject of souls. He says that he has to say he believes in it. This is a scheme. Is he misrepresenting? I don't believe that Jason believes that he has a soul. Yeah, it's going to be a hard sell. Although he has described himself in the past as a teacup agnostic. So he probably believes there's like a tiny percent chance that it exists.

But as much as, what did you say, Jason? A teacup is orbiting Saturn. That's right. I see. I thought that that meant you were neutral on whether or not teacups themselves existed. Yeah, I mean, look. We can all agree teacups have souls. We can all agree that they have souls. What are some of the other ventures that Jason has presented in the past, Alina? And what does his habit of presenting them to you, how does it bear on this topic? Well, Jason has presented a range of business ideas and or schemes over the years.

Some of them have been really good. And the only reason why he hasn't been able to do them has been just a variety of structural issues. So there was a variety of structural issues. So there was a really good bank idea. He was going to start a neobank, but somebody else did it first. He had a business when we first got together called Cash Goat, which I honestly can't remember what it was, but I got behind a hundred percent. I was wondering what this tea towel or something that you sent in, a photo of a tea towel or an embroidery that says Cash Goat on it. It's an embroidery of a logo for the business idea that I did to show my full support of his business nerdery. Is this your original design, Alina, this Cash Goat logo?

It is, yes. It's two goats facing each other. It's beautifully needle pointed. It's kind of like they're on a dollar bill. Oh, yeah. I can see that now. Cash Goat. It's kind of like they're on a dollar bill. Oh, yeah, I can see that now. Cash Goat. That's pretty incredible.

Jason, what was Cash Goat and why didn't it work when it had one of the greatest needlepointed logos of all time? Cash Goat was a way for retail banking clients to turn themselves from cash cows into something much less attractive. themselves from cash cows into something much less attractive. It would aggregate your banking relationship and seek out the best introductory rates for savings accounts across all of the major banks in Australia and automatically move your money about so that you could basically get that better rate. Now, you know what? That was an incredible presentation. Didn't understand a word of what you were talking about, but it had obvious knowledge, it had obvious passion, and it had a plan. And I think you believe that banks are real. He was working for one at the time when he came up with the idea.

Why didn't you implement Cash Coat and put that into the world? Or did you and did it fail terribly? And now I'm making you feel bad. No, it was technically difficult and it wasn't a big enough market. There wasn't enough kind of value creation in doing that. So it kind of went, was put on the back burner. Right. And goats don't have that much money traditionally. That's the point. You've got to shrink the cow to the goat. You know, that's the end state. That's the aspiration. I understand. You know, John, they don't need that much money. I happened to visit some goats at a goat farm recently. Right. There were some dried leaves on the floor. What happened?

Did they buy them? The woman told me those are their Doritos. What? Dried leaves are Doritos for goats, so they don't need money. They don't need to buy Doritos. There's dried leaves right there. That's what the woman told me. I mean, in our household, that's a big slice of the pie chart.

The Dorito expenditures are very high. Yeah. If I were a goat, I could just be eating leaves for free. Dried leaves, yes. Elena, is there a business venture aside from Cash Coat that you wish Jason had followed through on that is not selling his soul? Oh, that's a good question. He had a wonderful funeral business idea that he did actually work on for a while. I would like to know more.

Jason, if you describe it, you should include the aqua cremation element. Yes, please include the aqua cremation element. Okay. So I was working for the mattress, online mattress, direct-to-consumer mattress business at the time. Do a tighter, shorter version, Jason. Okay. Wait a minute.

Let me just see if I can guess where this ends up. You've got this mattress in the box. Now use the box as a coffin, right? It's not, but... When do you buy a new mattress? When someone has passed away in the family. When your loved one dies, you simply slip them into the plastic sleeve provided, then attach a

vacuum nozzle. Reverse. Reverse it. That's a little dark humor. Okay. But I suppose the inner box was kind of relevant, at least thematically. But from a business point of view, what's wonderful about the mattress business is that the amount of money it costs you to acquire a customer

is kind of paid up front and it's much better than other kind of business models on that count. Hang on a second, Jason. This is what I want to hear from you. Thank you so much for seeing me today, Judge John Hodgman. You know, people have been dying for a long time. And what are your choices when you die? How do you lay your loved ones to rest? You bury them in the earth or you bury them at sea, or maybe you cremate them and sprinkle their ashes around. Or if you're really fancy, you follow your loved one's will and taxiderm them so they can be around forever, diaphanized by your mantelpiece. How about a new fresh choice for a new fresh generation? Or let's say not so fresh, right?

Because they're corpses. Anyway, little joke for you. I'm here with a remarkable new technology, a remarkable new funeral business that's going to change the way you look at funerals for the rest of your natural life. What is it? Now I'm listening. It's called aquamation or aquacremation. So the problem with regular cremations is that they use a lot of energy. A lot of carbon goes into the atmosphere.

And they also only have one name, cremation. Why have one? It can be aquamation or aquacremation. There's a sense right there. You get all of those search terms. Jason, I just want you to know I love you. I'm just teasing you. I apologize. So the technology is very old and well known, but I think, frankly, we've just been too squeamish to use it. But so instead of burning the disposing of a body by putting them into a very hot kiln, one puts the body into an alkaline solution at moderate heat over a period of three or four hours and create a really nutrient dense fertilizer, which can then be used to support various wonderful gardens where people can walk to remember their loved ones in a much greener and almost more natural.

in a much greener and almost more natural. Question for you. If my loved one passes away and I have them acromated or aquamated or acroclimamated a bit, what do I take away from the process at the end? And can it be poured down a toilet in Disney World? So you wouldn't take the fertilizer, but you do get ashes out of the process. So like cremation. Yeah, like cremation.

You get the same thing. Alina, I think maybe selling his soul is all he's got left. Of all the ideas I've heard pitched, that's the one I barely understand. What about his Prince Prince shop? I believe that was a scheme, not a true business idea, though. What was the venture? Prince Prince? It was a shop that sold prints of prince prince of the artist formerly and forever known as prince correct well i see you could extend it though and print other princes like andrew and philip and

let's not let's not extend it to them that's fair i think that's a good choice. It was a different time. We got a great prince. We got a great prince that everyone can agree is. What about getting tattoos of Prince the artist at the end of your finger and then you have Prince Prince? Prince Prince Prince. All right. If I were to rule in your favor, Jason, what would you have me order? I would like the option to sell my soul, even if I don't use it. Why would I rule in your favor if you're not going to use it? I feel like it's a bit of an overstep. Are you a little scared? If I rule in your favor, you are clear to sell your soul on blockchain. Alina is out of the equation. What else could

be holding you back? Is there some spiritual squeamishness? No, the bottom of the NFT market has fallen out. And because as the discussion today has illustrated, I won't be the first globally. I'm not sure how deep and valuable the market for first Australian soul on the blockchain might be. So I'm not sure the commercials will add up. Alina, if I were to rule in your favor, what would you have me order? Well, I would like an injunction to stop Jason from ever selling his soul while we're married. And I would also like him to have to find a way to signal to me whether or not something

he is pitching to me is a true business idea or a scheme that I don't have to get so involved in. Well, but the schemes are also legit. They're not jokes. If anything, we finally in our culture gotten clarity between what is a business idea and what is a scheme. Business idea, what creates somewhat more worth for the world and the scheme is just a goof that genuinely would make money. Well, I end up having to get quite involved in Jason's business ideas and schemes. It can take up a lot of my life and we have a little baby at the moment, so I have less capacity. Thank you. But I have less capacity for extended planning for both businesses and schemes. So he should pick what he wants my

energy to go towards. If I may ask, how old is that baby? 15 months. Oh, that's a nice, fresh soul. That's a good one. Not Jason with his old soul. How old are you, Jason? If I may ask? 35. Ugh, that soul has gone off. Throw it in the bin, as they say. Got a nice fresh soul in the house. Don't worry, I'm not going to make you sell your baby soul. That's not going to be part of my ruling. Does Jason genuinely put a lot of time thinking about and talking about and exploring. Do you take pleasure in them? To a certain extent. Do you cease taking pleasure in discussing business ideas when it becomes clear that

they're simply thought experiments that aren't going to happen? Yes. Particularly if they're things that I don't actually think Jason should do, like selling his soul. Why is it important to you, Jason, to be an entrepreneur? Ooh, there's a question. Ladies and gentlemen, Jason has apparently just passed away. I've seen his soul leave his body and they're coming on the zoom now to aqua cremate him as per his final wishes please it's i think the the creative problem solving at the start of a business venture is very interesting uh and fun and enjoyable it is like my version of doing the crossword as i've come to know myself more, I realize this is what I do for fun rather than what I do for money. So it is the act of thinking what might be and thinking it through at sometimes a little bit too much detail.

I think more so than the act of genuinely going after a thing until I suppose I find the thing where there isn't a reason to stop and that might never come. But to date, there's always been a reason to stop with the schemes or the business ideas. Okay. So it hasn't happened yet, but you enjoy the thought process. I do. Is there anyone else in your life that you can talk to about this than Alina? Maybe someone in a wantrepreneur club down the road in the local shrimp and Barbie hut or whatever like you could go to? This is a very good point. I do have other people in my life to tell me that things are bad ideas or good ideas. No, no, I'm not talking about that.

That's what Alina is for. I'm talking about friends who also enjoy the thought experiments. You know, because when you say it's like a crossword puzzle to me, crossword puzzle tends to be a relatively solo pastime. I mean, you might chat with your loved one about like, what do you think three down is or whatever. But it's usually an internal monologue, not a monologue you thrust upon your life partner. Maybe, but there could be a friend that loves to talk about these schemes. Is there someone, Alina, in Jason's life like that or no? Jason does have a number of business friends, true friends that also are business nerds. Sure. And I think Jason does already talk to other people about his business ideas, particularly, maybe less so his schemes. And I think for me, that's part of where my desire for

him not to sell his soul comes from, because I get asked all the time about his previous business ideas from our friends. What happened to the funeral business? What happened to the bank? And I'm the one who has to talk at length about why it didn't work out. And I don't want to have to talk to our friends about Jason's failed attempt to sell his soul because it's a bit embarrassing. If it goes for less than $50,000, it's going to be pretty rough. Or worse, if nobody buys it. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I'm going to go into my own personal hell and sit here for a while and stew and I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Alina, how are you feeling about your chances? Oh, I think it could go either way. So nervous.

What do you think could be the worst thing that could happen? Well, I'm glad that the judge has. So nervous. What do you think could be the worst thing that could happen? Well, I'm glad that the judge has ruled out ordering us to sell our baby's soul because that would definitely be the worst outcome. But following that, giving Jason permission to sell his soul would be a pretty devastating start to my day here. Jason, how are you feeling? Pretty good.

You're still nodding over there. You've been nodding continuously this whole time. I feel like the judge understood the gist of the idea and understood the pleasing elements of it. What's the line between successful and unsuccessful on this sale? When the sale goes through, what's the number you need to see on the ledger to know that you didn't fail? A deposit for a median house in our area, which is unfortunately $350,000.

So aim high. So if you sold your soul and you got $200,000 Australian, that would be a failure? I think so. It's my soul. Wow. All right. Well.

Inflation. Everything's gotten expensive in Australia. I just want to put it out there. I don't know what blockchains are. I don't know how they work. But if anybody's got 200 grand on my soul, let's do this. We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a second on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the

halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky Let me give it a try Okay If you need a laugh and you're on the go

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Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, we're taking a quick break from the case. You have a television show that's about to be on television here. D-I-C-K-T-O-W-N, that spells Dicktown. That's what we be on television here. D-I-C-K-T-O-W-N, that spells Dicktown. That's what we named our television show. David Reese and I made a cartoon detective show for adults, juvenile adults, pretty much. The whole first season is at bit.ly slash Dicktown, D-I-C-K-T-O-W-N.

And the long anticipated, some thought it would never happen, including me, second season of Dicktown premieres on March 3rd, 2022, 10 p.m. on FXX. That's 3-3-22, 10 p.m. FXX or catch it and all episodes of the next day Friday streaming on Hulu. Every Thursday this March, you're going to get a brand new episode of D-I-C-K-T-O-W-N. That's Dicktown. We named that television show Dicktown. Please check it out. We're very excited about it. This first night, you're going to hear guest voices from John Glazer, Kristen Schaal, Maximum Fun's own Joe Firestone, and Manolo Moreno from Dr. Game Show. An incredible Dicktown theme as performed by Weird Al Yankovic. Tune in with us, won't you? Dicktown, 10 p.m.

Premieres March the 3rd, 2022. FXX and then Hulu the next day. Ooh. Jesse Thorne, what do you have going on? Well, I just hired a new shop guy and to put this on shop, you know, my vintage and antique store. Yeah. A new shop guy? Yeah.

His name's Brett. Great guy. All right. Yeah. A new shop guy. Yeah. His name's Brett. Great guy. All right. Yeah. He used to work at a shoe retailer. They transferred his job over to Louisville, Kentucky. He said, I'm staying in LA with my girlfriend in Long Beach. Yeah. So I said, you're hired, Brett. He's doing a great job. And guess what? Now that I got Brett there in the office mailing stuff out, I'm going to have an epic sale this week only for Judge John Hodgman listeners. And Brett's going to mail it right to you practically the same day you order it. Holy moly, it's the Brett sale. It only happens once a year. Go to putthisonshop.com, use the code Brett, B-R-E-T-T, 35% off anything in the store this week only. Whoa. This week only.

Use the code Brett. This is in honor of the hiring of Brett. He's a nice guy. He runs a cassette tape label. He has a band where he makes growling sounds. A rock band with growling sounds. This is in honor of Brett. God bless him. USA number one. Put this on shop.com. Use the code Brett, B-R-E-T-T, 35% off anything in there. This is a deal that you're not going to get anywhere else. Wait one millisecond. Are you talking about if I go to Put This On Shop and I pick out this sterling silver and gold-filled eagle ring, 35% off that? Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to like it, but I'm going to sell it to you.

That's why I'm really going to have to gulp, but it's going to it's going to go because look, I got Brett there. I got to keep him busy. Vintage American Air Cadet Grease Monkey Pin. 35% off that. 35% off that right now. Right here, right now, if you use the code Brett. But only this week, John.

Look, anybody out there got size 11 shoes? Because there's some vintage Alden Calfskin tassel loafers at a good price, as is, 35% off. Holy moly, these loafs are a steal. Put this on shop.com and use the code BRETT. This week only ends March 3rd. It's the most breaderful time of the year. Let's get back to the case. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

So I don't know who Alex Mazmesh is, and I don't know if I'm pronouncing that name correctly, M-A-S-M-A-G, but I was checking out decrypt.co, which is this website. And apparently he sold fractional shares of himself as customized tokens on the Ethereum blockchain. And this is himself, not just his soul, the whole thing. The tokens allowed token holders to vote on aspects of his life and even make a profit from any money he makes. And he topped out at $20,000. $20,000, not so great compared to what you were looking for. But let me tell you this, he didn't include his soul. It just was his life. Life is

cheap. But his soul? I mean, something special about that, no matter what your belief system or disbelief system is, is obviously a very highly charged metaphor that runs through a lot of our culture, whether it's Bedazzled or Tommy Johnson or Robert Johnson selling their respective souls to the devil at the crossroads to be able to play blues. Whether it's Sammy Davis Jr. trying to take Jack Klugman's immortal soul. Spoiler alert, he fails at the end. That's why all Jack Klugman's go to heaven. It's a very, very compelling idea that you could have whatever you want. You could sell your soul for the most unbelievable wish in the world, which sadly, in this day and age, is the down payment on a house. a house. The most unimaginable, unattainable thing that you could possibly have is simply a down payment on a place to live. The late stage capitalism is messed up. Even I can acknowledge that. 50 year old man. It is a highly charged idea. It does not surprise me, sadly, to learn

that Grimes beat you to the punch there. Although Grimes is just selling a handmade certificate, not a blockchain. There's no blockchain element to it. There is no eternal proof of ownership. And it has to be eternal, because we are talking about the eternal soul. And even though I have to say that your presentation in the Shark Tank was rather lackluster, Jason,

I find you very charming indeed, very likable. I can see why anyone would want to marry you and be in a relationship with you and be a co-parent with you. You're terrific. I have no business commenting on business, but whatever business opportunity you ever seek to seize, I think you got to work on your presentation skills. Make it short, snappy, convincing, particularly if you want to go on Koshi's show. He's not going to allow you to dither about talking about your friends who mess around with potions of the exotic crypto web or whatever it is. He's going to get confused and move on. This is my business advice to you, my friend.

Tighten it up a little bit. But that said, it's a great idea. It was the first time I had ever heard of it. And even after chatting with you and saying like, okay, well, you know, he's not a very natural salesperson for his own soul, but who would be? Does he even really want to sell it? Isn't that part of the charge of it? And you said, I have no promotional budget. I have no marketing budget. I have no this. I was beginning to feel like maybe I should be one of these sharks in the shark tank. I'm like, okay, I'll invest X amount of dollars and I'll take 5% of every sole share you sell.

Because on the one hand, I was thinking, that's a funny joke. And on the one hand, I was thinking, uh, it's a funny joke. And on the other hand, I was like, well, look, if he's really first to market with this thing, I don't know. He could probably, you know, Jesse Thorne, we could probably help him get booked on some Australian morning shows, right? I'll call Yahoo serious. Yeah. Thank you. Direct line to Yahoo serious over there. So, and I was like, as a joke, it's sort of funny. It's got a certain charge, a little charge to it. And then there's a part of me that's like, you know what? But this thing might go, because I'm seeing these NFTs go through the roof. I didn't know the bottom had dropped out of the market.

Sorry. I don't read NFT daily or whatever. But, you know, Jonathan Colton's over there messing around with NFTs and talking about them all the time. I'm like, what if I could say to my friend Jonathan, yeah, guess what? I'm into souls now, trading souls on the market. I just have a piece of a piece of a soul. It would be pretty cool to say around town and maybe it would sell a lot and maybe we both get rich. And then Alina, you would be happy until the devil came to

claim what is theirs. But even if all of those conditions were met, even if I had money to give you, even if I loved your presentation, even if no one had ever thought of this idea, you were the first person in the world that was guaranteed to get you on Koshi first thing in the morning, five days a week, five appearances. I don't think I could do it because though I am an agnostic, there's just something too schemey about it. You know what I mean? Seedy, unseemly. It's your soul. It's your soul. It's who you are. Even as a metaphor, that's critical. You don't want to sell yourself. You want to sell a product like a casket made out of a mattress box or whatever it is. I don't think I could get behind it. So I can't rule in your favor, but, but, but I have a counter offer for you.

Are you willing to hear it? I am. Here in the Judge John Hodgman organization, we pride ourselves in fine podcasts, fine live shows, and also from time to time, custom, what we call t-shirts in America. We've had some very famous ones. I'm sure you've seen them around, legendary t-shirts like Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage, Kung Pao Finance Factory, I'm with Claudius. They're based on things that come up in the show and we'll make them from time to time. Now, audience. They're based on things that come up in the show and we'll make them from time to time.

Now, Jesse, Jennifer, and I, the whole J-Squad, have been talking lately about rebooting our t-shirt biz such that if a really great t-shirt idea pops up on the show that we'll note it right then, get the word immediately to Adam Koford, who's designed quite a few t-shirts in our past and has agreed to be on retainer for emergency t-shirt club work up a design for that t-shirt and then we get it out to market and it's available only for how long jennifer marmer how long is it available for i don't remember what we said a week i think two weeks i think two weeks two weeks artificial scarcity oh a t-shirt comes in special edition kids line up around the block to get into the store one after another we've got pop-up shops going of course not really we just sell them on max fun

store.com and i have a t-shirt idea but it's inspired by you and in fact as much as i love adam koford there's not a lot for him to do in this because I think we should be selling cash goat t-shirts for sure. I mean, this is an incredible image. This is an incredible logo. Yeah. It's evocative.

It's mysterious. It's got the words cash and goat in it. In what I consider to be the right order, goat cash would never have worked. I mean, there's a solid name of a company. Now, Jason, you would retain all ownership of the company.

Alina, you would retain all ownership of the logo. This would be a license situation. And Jason, you would still make that company go if you can get anyone to ever understand what it is. I'm talking about we'll come to some terms. We'll get a Cash Goat t-shirt up using this image as the design get that up on the maxfundstore.com two-week exclusive and we'll give you a percentage let's start negotiating come to the table what do you say I think we're in absolutely well that's a great great negotiating tactic I thought we were going to talk about a percentage. I'm just going to put it down. You're in for anything. Got it.

Fantastic. And we'll all be cash goats together. It was really great talking to you. I'm glad that you get to keep your soul. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Alina, how do you feel about getting rich? Elated. Yeah. How about you, Jason? A bit disappointed. It means I don't have to come up with new schemes. Well, you know, we'll see how it ends up. I don't think you could not come up with new schemes if you tried. Jason, Alina, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. if you tried. Jason, Alina, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books. You know what else is in the books? The brand new Judge John Hodgman scheme, cash goat t-shirt at maxfundstore.com. I can't wait. I'm going to create an incredible bit.ly for this cash coat t-shirt.

Can't people just go to maxfundstore.com for once, John? Go to max. You know what? Yeah, that's right. Save me a step. I'll pass the savings along to you. Go to maxfundstore.com. T-shirt club starts in earnest.

Reboots with a kick, like a kick from a goat. Cash coat t-shirts available any minute now at maxfundstore.com. Help Jason fulfill his dream and retain his soul. And help Alina, help say thanks to Alina for this incredible design. Cash Goat at maxfundstore.com. We've got swift justice in just a moment. First, our thanks to Twitter users at Amelia E. Helmfer and at Paul Seeger 4 for naming this week's episode, Suing for Sole Custody. If you want to name a future episode, follow us on Twitter for naming opportunities at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

While you're there, you can also hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO. Jesse, I just want to say, Suing for sole custody, very funny name, reserve the right to reuse it, suing for sole custody, S-O-L-E, for any disputes around Dover sole or any fillet of sole. Great. Thank you, John. I'm glad we clarified that. What if there are bottom of a shoe disputes? I think that's a little on the nose. Okay, fair enough. Hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets. Hashtag JJHO.

We're on Reddit, maximumfund.reddit.com. Evidence and photos from the show posted on our Instagram account at instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman. I'm going to send this picture that Oscar, my son who was on the show recently, drew of me podcasting. I'm pretty sure it's me doing the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Yeah. You mean the Judge Oscar Thorne podcast as it is now known? Yeah. He pretty much stole the show. I'm going to send that over to you, John and Jennifer. We'll put that up on the Instagram. I'd like to see it. I'm saying blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And you're saying, okay, okay, okay. Okay. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Our editor is Valerie Moffat. Now Swift Justice, where we answer small disputes with quick judgment. James says, my friend doesn't like that I almost always back into parking spaces. Backing into parking spaces is a real skill. My guess is your friend is jealous and lazy, and you, James, are the cash goat. Cash goat of the week. Good for you,

backing into parking spaces. And hey, speaking of backing into parking spaces. Cha-ching! Matt! And hey, speaking of backing into parking spaces, if you've got a dispute about vehicles and transportation, you've got a driving dispute, you've got a car dispute, you've got a truck dispute, train dispute, hit us up. Maximumfun.org slash JJHO. I would really love some airship disputes would be terrific. Dirigible or... Dirigible or blimp. Do you require a frame love some airship disputes would be terrific. Dirigible or do you require

a frame? Any airship. That's why I said any airship, any submarines. Vehicle disputes, send them to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Also take a goat dispute if you got one. And any dispute, the whole engine of the show are your disputes, personal, philosophical, with your friends, partners, loved ones, liked ones. No case is too small. So please remember to submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.