Judge John Hodgman - Sweet Corn Season

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

We are clearing the docket this week! Corn buttering, spider removal, microwave etiquette, beer gardens, and much more!TICKETS ARE ON SALE NOW for our Judge John Hodgman Live Streaming Event with the London Podcast Festival! It’s happening on Thursday 09/09/2021 at 12:30pm PT / 3:30pm ET / 8:30pm BST. For more info and tickets, click here!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket and joining me from Orland, Maine, is a man wearing a monster, a T-shirt that says monster, I, Jesse, because though you are in Los Angeles, where there be monsters, end of the map. And here I am across the country through the, I guess, miracle of teleconferencing. I don't know. The burden of teleconferencing, yes. The curse blessing, the clessing of teleconferencing. You can see that my t-shirt says monster. It's an antique brand of fireworks. The rest of the T-shirt has a picture of a monster on it.

Yeah, that's a cool T-shirt. But what I realized looking – well, thanks. I saw an ad on Instagram and just had to have it. But what I noticed is because in teleconferencing I can see myself, which is bad, but I'm reversed also. I never realized that – do you know what monster spells backwards, Jesse? What? Restroom. Almost.

Yeah, pretty much. Almost spells restroom. You know, John, I had a friend in middle school, still a friendly acquaintance, Patrick Michaels. Right. You were also in middle school at the time. Let's be clear. Yeah. Thank you for clarifying that.

No, I was in elementary school. I was just super cool. Wow. Young with the older kids. My friend Patrick Michaels could say any phrase backwards immediately, instantly. Was the most extraordinary gift, skill, talent that I've ever observed in person. He can still do it. I talked to him a couple of years ago. He works for ProPublica now. He's a journalist. And I confirmed he can still do it. It's amazing. I mean, honestly, when he went to interview at ProPublica, I imagine that they said, okay, we've taken a look at your investigative reporting and it looks pretty good. Can you say phrases backwards instantly? And he was like, yitzlini or whatever.

Assel, bup, orp. Yeah. ProPublica backwards. There you go. Show me to the backwards monster, please. I need to use the toilet. It's a common phrase. Jesse, I'm here live in the studios, of course, the solar power studios of WERU.org.

We're going to clear the docket and dispense some justice. Is that correct? I believe that is correct. Let's take a look at what we have from Heather in Sellins Grove, Pennsylvania. It's sweet corn season here in Pennsylvania. I like to roll my hot corn on the cob directly on a stick of butter for maximum butter coating of the cob. Can I make an objection already? Yes.

It's not sweet corn season in Pennsylvania. It's sweet corn season everywhere in the East of the United States. Sure. Don't be so biased. Joel, do you eat corn? Yes, I do. Sweet corn season here in Maine, right? Yes, it is. How do you butter your corn? I make an herb butter. Okay. And then brush it on. Oh boy. I didn't know this was going to get so involved. Joel and his compound butters. So sick of Joel's compound butters. Wow. Wow. Then brush it on.

America's test kitchen over here. All right. I overrule my own objection to get back to this case. Joel, you made me overrule my own objection. Sorry. My husband thinks. No apology is acceptable for compound butter talk. My husband thinks the only civilized way to butter corn is to place butter on a slice of bread and use the buttered bread to smear butter on the corn. As our family's sole meal planner, shopper, and cook, I feel I have the final say in butter management. Please order my husband to stop trying to control my corn buttering. Interesting. Jesse, is it sweet corn season in

California? Yeah, I think it is. But I think that's because California is America's fruit basket. Right. We have plenty of tasty things to eat all year round. And so it's less of a big deal. I know that, like, for example, in visiting my family in Washington, D.C. as a child, the height of sweet corn season was a big cultural event. Whereas for me, I'm like, great, we can get cherimoyas right now. Yeah. You can dip your satsumas in olive oil any old time there in Southern California.

I got grapefruits growing in my backyard, John. Right. They fruit twice a year. When you would visit your people in the District of Columbia, would you put butter on your corn? Yes, of course. Would you brush it on with a brush? No, John, no.

They had a corn set, John. Tell me what a corn set is. They had little corn-shaped skewers that you stick into either side of the corn. Right. And they had a butter stick holder that had a plunger on one end and a roundy part on the other end that you could use to rub the end and a roundy part on the other end that you could use to rub the end of the stick of butter onto the corn. It was fantastic.

One of my fondest childhood memories. You would pick up the stick of butter with this device? The stick of butter was inside, if you imagine a box, if you imagine a butter stick shaped box. Okay. And one end of the box, you can push in like a plunger. Right. And the other end of the box has a concave shape, like the shape of a piece of corn.

Right. And so you hold the box and you go rip, rip, rip, rip, rip. You're turning it with your little corn shaped skewers. And what do you got at the end? A perfectly buttered piece of corn. There's no butter on your hands. You didn't have to mess with a butter knife. You didn't have to ruin a perfectly good piece of bread.

I don't know. I grew up in a roll the corn in the butter family. And I would say I will not recuse myself simply because that is the best way to butter corn. What I'm going to say is the best way to butter corn, until I heard about this bread mechanism, the best way to butter corn is roll it in the butter. Second best way, brush it on. Third best way, use some weird box. I don't even understand that thing. I don't believe in it.

I don't understand it. Sorry. I don't believe in it. I don't understand it. Sorry. Fantastic. Fantastic device. Where does the bread, does the bread overtake rolling it in the butter? Now, here's one of the things about rolling the corn in the butter. This was fine for me and my mom and dad. We're a small group of corn rollers.

We were all on board for it. We didn't, we didn't mind. It was not gross to any one of us. But in mixed company, you got to be sure that everyone is on board with rolling that corn in the butter. Because it is a very wonderful sensation to just feel that butter melt under that hot corn. And it leaves a very satisfying impression, reverse impression of the corn cob in the butter. But that could be gross to some people. So I kind of admire Heather's husband's solution here.

Because you are getting full, if you don't have the special box, the magic butter box that Jesse Thorne had in the District of Columbia. Northern Virginia, but continue. Sorry, Northern Virginia. You might as well be saying Vermont Columbia. Northern Virginia, but continue. Sorry, Northern Virginia. You might as well be saying Vermont now. Northern Virginia. And Central Virginia. Yeah, forget about it.

Blue State. Fairfax. But if you have that piece of bread and butter, that is self-contained. That is at your plate. You are not sharing that butter. You're not grossing anybody else out necessarily by dipping your food directly into a shared condiment. Now, I thought that this guy had just made this thing up, Jesse. I thought this guy made it up and he thought it was the best. But you know where he got it from? Where? A movie called War Games. They do that in War Games? Yes. I looked it up on the internet. Using the internet, I found out

that Matthew Broderick's pretend dad in the movie, the actor William Bogart, there's a dinner table scene where he does exactly this. He butters a piece of white bread, rolls the corn in the bread, and then takes a bite of it and goes, oh, this corn is raw. And his wife goes, can't you just taste all the vitamins and minerals? It's a weird moment of comedic relief. But if you look at the video of him buttering this corn, John Badham, who directed this movie, must have been really excited about this corn buttering technology. Because as much as he was excited about a modem, because there's so much screen time is given to this guy slathering butter on his bread.

I want to get to the bottom of this. If you have access to John Badham or you worked on the movie War Games or you know where this came from, get in touch with me. I also had remembered this exact scene, except I remembered it from Breaking Away, but it was War Games, it turns out. So this goes back to 1983, at least. We're taking this podcast to DEFCON 5. Now that I've heard the

technology described and I've seen it in action, I have to say there's something appealingly daddish about it for sure. But in order to slather that butter on that bread, that butter would have to be so soft that if you were to roll corn in that butter, the butter itself would immediately liquefy and spill all over the table. I don't like to split the baby in half, but I'm going to say there is no one way to enjoy your corn. And in times past, when I have served guests corn, I give them a stick of butter to do with as they will. And I take my own stick of butter and that one's just for rolling. Will I go through the whole stick of butter? Probably. It's not wasteful, but I would rank, now that I've seen this technology, I would rank rolling

in butter, basting it with a brush. You're welcome, Joel. Thank you. Moving a box over it and then butter on bread. Also good. And a great callback to War Games and to the very accomplished working actor William Bogart, who appeared in many, many TV shows and movies until he passed away last year at the age of 84. who was the only woman Muppeteer on The Muppet Show for the first season. She performed Janice and basically that character because there are no other female characters in The Muppets. Sorry, they got to do something about that. Heather can do it her way and her husband can do it his way. And neither of them need to control the other. Do it the Hodgman way. Just get as much butter on the table as possible to use in as many ways as possible.

Next time a sweet corn season rolls around in Pennsylvania, why don't you have one stick of butter for rolling, one stick of butter for brushing, one stick of butter for breading, and one stick of butter for boxing. Have a corn buttering party. The worst of all is taking a knife and trying to butter your corn with a knife. It's the stupidest way of buttering corn in existence. corn with a knife. It's the stupidest way of buttering corn in existence. You know, it is corn season here in Southern California, and I had a corn disaster this past weekend. Oh no, what happened? My mother-in-law and I took my two younger children,

Frankie and Oscar, to the California Science Center in Exposition Park here in Los Angeles. We visited the space shuttle. Yes. They have a real space shuttle there. Whoa. All right. And they have bad food at the California Science Center. Mm-hmm. Astronaut ice cream, I presume?

They do have astronaut ice cream, which is, there's no more consistent disappointment than astronaut ice cream. Space pen, pretty good. Right. Astronaut ice cream, pretty bad. How would you feel about an astronaut it's it? A freeze-dried it's it? You know, they have mini it's it's now. What? Mini it's it's? I'm pretty excited about that. Yeah. It's a new development. So anyway, we decide we're not going

to eat inside the California Science Center and pay Science Museum food court prices for Science Museum food. Right. Because right outside the California Science Center, there are a number of vendors set up selling the street foods typical of Southern California. So my kids got hot dogs. Right. You know, Southern California style hot dogs wrapped in bacon. That's right. Very tasty.

And I got esquites, which is, you know, corn off the cob. And it's typically with, it's the off the cob equivalent of elotes, which are barbecued with mayonnaise and cheese and usually chili and lime. And off the cob, there's usually also cilantro and sometimes there's fresh chilies in there. Nice. So far, no disaster. No disaster to the story. A favorite food of mine. Love to get it. Feeling a bit peckish, walking around in Los Angeles, stop and buy some from somebody that's pushing a special cart. Right. And my esquites came with corn and mayonnaise. So far, all good.

I love it. And a little bit of nacho cheese sauce, and that's it. And it was intensely gummy. And to say it lacked flavor contrasts, really. Mayonnaise and nacho cheese sauce? That was not a winner for you? Just a little nacho cheese sauce. You know what? You need to fix that disaster.

What's that? Well, you know, you can't take nacho cheese sauce away. You can't take those ingredients away. You have to add something. You know what you have to add? What? Compound butter. What's in your compound butter, Joel?

Please say cilantro and jalapenos. A little hot sauce. Okay. A little celery salt maybe. Whoa, what's going on, Joel? Keep going. And melted butter. I microwave it and make a liquid out of it.

Right. So you melt the butter and you infuse it with hot sauce and celery salt. Right. And then you baste it on with a brush. Right. It's pretty hot, it on with a brush. Right. It's pretty hot, Joel, I got to tell you. It's pretty good. I would have thought up in Maine it would have just been all mayonnaise and nacho cheese sauce.

Well, I'm from the District of Columbia, too, just like Jesse. Everything's getting very confused. Let's move on with the justice. Here's something from Helen in Boulder, Colorado. I bring suit against my wife, Chelsea. in Boulder, Colorado. I bring suit against my wife, Chelsea. We've been living in several different basement apartments during the COVID pandemic uncertainties

with varying levels of dampness and, worse, spiders. Oh, boy. I believe that spiders have no place in the home. Personally, I squish them. Chelsea believes there's no harm in having them scurry about doing their business as long as they're not crawling on her. This leads to spider scares, finding them behind the toilet, in the shower, and most upsettingly, in a coffee cup I was about to use. Chelsea says, I should what's your spider protocol?

Kill or catch and release? I'm not bothered by spiders personally. Right. However, my wife is. Yeah. And I will kill whatever bug my wife asks me to kill because we share a great love. Right. I am bothered by spiders personally.

And by personally, I mean very personally. Like they prank call me. Right. You know, like. They're constantly ordering pizzas sent to your address. Yeah. Somehow it's a number that I recognize. And I answer the phone like a dope.

And it's a spider. And he goes, mid-tier comedian. That's what he says to me. Mid-tier comedian. John Hodgman has answered the phone. I'm sorry, but it's hard not to take that personally. Jim Gaffigan didn't answer. Don't put Jim Gaffigan in mid-tier with me

jim gaffigan is diamond medallion no they had to move down a tier from the gaffigan tier no they're like hey john hey john mid-tier comedian i'm like oh you spiders why are you they're like don't take it personally man it's just a prank call it's hard not to take that personally yeah but i don't squish them one day my dad said don't spiders are your friends they eat the other bugs if you don't want them in your room pick them up with a little piece of paper put them outside and to this day it is hard for me to squish a spider jennifer marmer what do you do with spiders when i lived alone i would usually try to pick them up with a piece of paper and put them outside right um because squishing it is just gross to me even though it can stain your wall

it's disgusting now i just say shane there's a spider. And my husband gets it. And what does he do with it? He really squishes it because he doesn't care. And I don't care as long as it's dealt with. Shane's a real macho dude, that's why. Really? He's one of those big, tough cartoonist types. Let's go around the J squad, around the horn with Joel.

What do you do with spiders? Squash them. Squash them. Guys, put your spiders outside. I'm not shy of killing a bug. It's not uncommon after my wife was a whole human being in her own right, falls asleep before me and the lights are out in the bed. And I'm going down a deep Wikipedia hole about this actor, William Bogart, and his wife, the Muppeteer, in the dark. And, you know, the screens are not very good in our bedroom.

And all of a sudden, I got all kinds of bugs flying onto my phone screen. They love that phone screen. And I squash them with my thumb on the screen. Not shy about it. Not shy about it. I don't mind killing a moth, especially a brown-tailed moth. Right, Joel?

Absolutely. Yeah, those guys are the worst. They're worse than spiders. A brown-tailed moth comes from a caterpillar called a brown-tailed moth caterpillar, invasive to this area of Maine. And if you touch one of these things, you get a rash for a week.

If you inhale its little fur, you could have respiratory problems that send you to the hospital. Brown-tailed moth, caterpillar, get out of here. I'll kill a brown-tailed moth any day. One that I will not kill, rosy maple moth. I found the most beautiful moth hanging around my kitchen. It was drinking a cup of coffee and having a cigarette. And I'm like, do I get to squash a moth tonight? And he said, no, look at me. And I looked at him and I was like, this beautiful moth with these fuzzy pink legs and fuzzy pink wings and beautiful

peeps, the yellow marshmallow ducks or chicks or whatever they are. And Tanny, the color of peeps. So cute. Took a picture of them, put them up on John Hodgman's Instagram account. Everyone's going, that is a rosy maple moth. You're the luckiest guy in the world to see one. It's not fair. It's not fair, bugs. I'm sorry.

Some of you get up on my screen and you get squashed. Some of you show up sporting some fuzzy pink wings and I save you. Some of you are not insects, you're arachnids, and my dad told me you are my friend and so I don't squash you. The baseline is whatever your policy for dealing with spiders, everybody in your basement apartment has got to get on board with it. If Helen is not feeling the spiders in her life, well then, Chelsea, you got to take care of your wife, who is a whole human being in her own right, and get rid of the spiders when you see them. Take them outside. Do what I do.

Take them outside. Get them on a little piece of paper. Climb up the ladder to the tiny window just under the ceiling in your basement apartment. Open it. It's probably painted shut. I'm painting a very sad picture here of your lives together in Boulder. Let it out. And I hope, Helen, for your sake, that you eventually enjoy the non-subterranean life that you would obviously prefer. Jesse, what were the bugs that came out of the walls when you were sleeping in the basement? Mongolian bloodworms? Yeah, I told my therapist about that the other day. I lived in a basement room at my dad's house. And sometimes when I was asleep, they would have to go through my room to get from the garage to the rest of the house just because of how the house was built.

It was not a legal room. And they would leave my door open and slugs would come in. That's what it was. And then there would be slug tracks in my room. Yeah. And then a couple of times there was this, this bug called a Jerusalem cricket. That's genuinely terrifying.

Oh, I don't know that one. Don't Google it. I'm going to. And it's so gross. And, uh, I told my therapist about this.

This is a different kind. Oh my God. Yeah. It's awful. It's so, so gross. Oh my god. Yeah, it's awful. It's so, so gross. Why did you tell me to Google it? I told you. Jennifer just Googled it too. Dang it. I had to. I had to see what we were talking about.

I know. And you should have used DuckDuckGo. Now all you're going to get is targeted ads for Jerusalem Crickets. Google! So anyway, Joel, I'm texting you this thing. Okay. This is terrible. My therapist

says to me, you know, they should have just gone the other way or closed the door behind them. Joel just flinched. Yikes. I'm sorry, what were you saying? I'm all about a Jerusalem cricket right now. My therapist told me they could have just gone the other way or closed the door behind them or done something about it.

And I was like, yeah, now that you mentioned it, I guess they could have done those things. You're talking about the Jerusalem cricket could close the door behind it. Like it would wander into your room and just like creak shut. And I was like, hello, Jesse. It's big enough. I mean, that guy's like four inches long. Don't care for it. Terrifying. Terrifying creature. Anyway, we're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partner, Jerusalem Crickets, Inc. You might have seen them on your Google searches. We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen?

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket this week and we have something here from Cheryl in Bellevue, Washington. These aren't even true crickets, it turns out. They're not true crickets nor true bugs because they're not part of the order Hemiptera. What are they, lobsters? They're only native to Jerusalem. Yeah, I know. They're land lobsters. Mmm, a delicacy.

Oh, no. I'll stick with a bucket of scallops, please. Their highly adapted feet are used for burrowing beneath moist soil to feed on decaying root plants and tubers. I shouldn't have left those tubers around. They're not venomous, but they can emit a foul smell and are capable of inflicting a painful bite. Guess what? Jerusalem Crickets, you're banned from listening to the show.

If I see you crawling on my screen, I'm going to smush you with my thumb. And it's going to be gross because you're huge, but I'll do it. You're no rosy maple moth, nor are you my friend the spider. Get out of here. Banned. Hi, says Cheryl. My name is Cheryl Crow. hear. Banned. Hi, says Cheryl. My name is Cheryl Crow. You might recognize my name from my infamous I make my sun baskets at night song and video. Oh, it is Cheryl Crow, the famous Cheryl Crow.

Yeah, the one from the sun baskets at night video on Instagram. Yeah, she posted on the, she posted her video on the Maximum Fun subreddit of her singing, I make my sun baskets at night. So I can't even remember the rest of it. I was so excited to see that. Is there another Sheryl Crow? I honestly couldn't tell you. There is one other song with that melody. What is it?

It was during the hyphy era of Bay Area hip hop. It went, I wear my stunner glasses at night. Big part of Heife was wearing stunner shades. Oh. It's also the tune of The Alphabet and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. Same tune. There you go. Yeah.

Anyway, Cheryl says, I've been a longtime fan of the show and I have a dispute with my husband regarding our microwave. says, I've been a longtime fan of the show and I have a dispute with my husband regarding our microwave. He thinks I should give him a grace period of around a minute or less after his item has been microwaved before I take his item out and put mine in. I contend it's the job of the original microwaver to time their presence accurately if they want the option to further heat their item. Please order that he stop complaining when I take his items out of the microwave. P.S. This may or may not relate to the fact that I warm up my coffee in the microwave approximately 35 times a morning. I didn't realize that Sheryl Crow is also my mother-in-law when she visits. I have a confession to make, Jesse.

What's that? I let Cheryl Crow slip through on this one because she's adorable. And she made that song. Right. This is a nothing case. It's an obvious solution. Get your stuff out of the microwave. Cheryl's husband.

There's nothing really to discuss here. I just like Cheryl Crow. I love her song or what's her famous song again i make my son baskets at night so i hope that you're happy cheryl that i ruled in your favor i was biased in your favor to begin with because you're adorable and you did a great job with that song get your stuff out of the microwave i sent it to my friend tyler from college and he liked it a lot yeah if you If you leave your stuff in the microwave, then it might as well be garbage. Get it out of there.

Wait. Wait until it's done. Unless you're defrosting a roast, in which case you're defrosting things wrong. The only thing you should be using your microwave for is softening butter, making compound butter, making popcorn,

heating up rice. That's good. Heating up water if you don't have a kettle handy. That's about it, right? That's all you need. That water if you don't have a kettle handy. That's about it, right? That's all you need. That's all you can really use a microwave for. Heating up coffee if you don't care about how coffee tastes. You know, John, I have a friend who has a podcast.

My friend Adam Lissagor. Yeah, of course. Has a podcast called All Consuming where he and his co-host try products from social media advertisements. Very fun podcast. And he and his co-host reviewed this mug with a chip and a heater inside it. Oh. And the mug itself keeps your beverage at a certain temperature, sort of like a sous vide.

Oh, it has a little heating element inside of it? Yeah, and it's a rechargeable battery. That sounds pretty good. I thought that's a ridiculous idea. But you know what? They used it. They said it works great. They loved it.

Maybe they could be a partner. Just saying, Sheryl Crow. They loved it. Maybe they could be a partner. Just saying, Sheryl Crow. I could see why your husband and you might be having some, what, of a standoff over this 35 times a morning hyperbole. But, yeah. Sheryl's husband, get your stuff out of the microwave. Jesse, I just got some, speaking of food, I just got some news that's really bumming me out.

What's that? I just got a letter from a listener in japan named craig and craig you remember how i have two secret ingredients to this new high concept burger that i'm trying to put out into the world and one of them is secret and the other one is a hash brown yeah well guess what they put hash browns on hamburgers in japan all the time holy cow all He sent me pictures. Pictures of hamburgers with hash browns on them, including the McDonald's Idaho burger. And then Jan wrote to me saying, yeah, they put hash browns on burgers in Germany as well. They call them a roasty burgers. And you know where Jan is writing from specifically?

Where? Hamburg. For real. Wow. Wow. But I still got my secret weapon that other secret ingredient i revealed it to chuck bryant the other day he seemed to appreciate it i have two big secrets one is the secret ingredient to my special hamburger concept and the other is what i did in the urinal next to harold bloom uh when we were on a break from the class that I took with him at Yale. Famous Shakespeare scholar and author of the Western Canon, the book about the Western Canon.

I will reveal one of those secrets after the credits. So listen to the rest of the show. Here's something from Bethany in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. After a long isolated winter spent entirely indoors, I made plans with my BFFs, Sarah and Kate, to regularly visit local beer gardens in our hometown. We agreed to take turns picking the location. When it was Kate's turn to pick, she insisted on going to a lakefront beach with cabanas instead of an actual beer garden. I protested as a beach is clearly not a beer garden. A proper beer garden should be reminiscent of the original type of German beer garden. Just doing my best there.

I don't know if I got that right. Yeah. With outdoor communal seating and an atmosphere of gemütlichkeit. That means geniality. Geniality. Friendliness and geniality. Yeah. Yes. That's why I said it with typical German friendliness and geniality.

Gemütlichkeit. German friendliness and geniality. A beach with cabanas evokes an entirely different vibe. I would agree. She wants something that's more like a, you know, a classic dirigible hanger. Kate believes that the beach can also be considered a beer garden as it is an outdoor seasonal space in which to drink. It just has, quote, sand instead of grass. Wow. Period. End quote.

I'm requesting an injunction against Kate. I ask that she desist in picking a non-beer garden establishment for our beer garden hangouts. Wow. And where do they live? Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Oh, okay. So this is Lake Beach.

This is a Lake Michigan beach. Yeah. I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I know that these great lakes have beaches. I know that they have tides. I get it. But you know me.

I don't like lakes. They make me nervous. Where's that water coming from? Where's it going? It's just sitting there. Just things are rotten at the bottom. That's where the Jerusalem cricket comes from is my bet. Yeah.

I feel like it's impossible to know a lake's plans. Yeah. You don't. It's just. It's plotting is what a lake is doing. It's just sitting there scheming. The ocean's rolling all over the place it doesn't care about you it doesn't care whether you live or die it's going to roll in it's going

to roll out it takes its trash with it the lake is just sitting there staring at you on the beach beach come on but even so even though a milwaukee lake Beach is not precisely the Caribbean vibe, it is certainly not a beer garden. It is not filled with gemütlichkeit, geniality. A beach bar is filled more with what they call Felender Sauerstreuergeist. That's the feeling of not being able to find your lost shaker of salt did you know that i did not know that i i'm sorry that i translated that poorly jan jan in hamburg i apologize i translated it and probably pronounced it poorly but that's what google told me to do after it got tired of sending me pictures of Jerusalem crickets, which is all I see now.

Thanks, algorithms. Inside your eyelids. A beach bar is different than a beer garden. So if you've made an agreement to go to a beer garden, go to a beer garden. There's nothing wrong. I mean, it's not, look, it's not for me. I don't want to go to a beach in Milwaukee and have a lake stare at me. That's not fun for me.

I mean, no matter how thoroughly it embraces Jimmy Buffett style Margo Walkieville, but you can go to it if you want to do that. If you live in Milwaukee, it's great. But what is Milwaukee known for? Dark and stormies? No, beer. Hass and Pfeffer Incorporated, for heaven's sakes, go to a beer garden if you're in Milwaukee. What a great thing to do.

Don't pretend that you're somewhere else. Be where you are. But if you have to go to that beach, that lake beach, just admit what it is. It's a lake beach, not a beer garden. Don't like them. Don't like lakes. Toddy Pond isn't bad. You like Toddy Pond, Joel? Don't like lakes or spiders. Really? Nope. What about Craig Pond? No ponds.

Ocean. All right. I take it back. I was going to give Toddy Pond a pass. I take it back for Joel. No lakes. I'm going to take a vacation in Milwaukee, do some snorkeling. You know what?

Milwaukee is terrific. One time I did a show in Milwaukee with our friends Kristen Schaal and Eugene Merman at the Pabst Theater, the beautiful theater. The band Hanson had just passed through the Pabst, and they had left behind their in the in the in the beautiful green room of the Pabst Theater. had the three brothers, Hanson, left behind several cases of their new endeavor, which is a Hanson-branded beer. Did you know this? I had heard about this, yeah. So you know what the name of the beer is. It's on brand for them.

Yeah. I don't remember what it is, but it's a pun. M'Hops. M'Hops. That's what it is. Yeah. M'Hops. Yeah. Good for you, Hanson.

And then Eugene Merman took us to a late night establishment, a bar that was created by some Uber dad at the tail end of the Cold War. bar that you could only enter through a secret door in the back of another bar, in which case you'd sit down in a booth and it would rotate you into the secret bar or go through a different side door and you'd have to do a humiliating little dance. And they would let you in through a fake bookshelf. And then at some point, Eugene said, here, sit in this chair. And I did. And everyone laughed at me. I'm like, why are you laughing?

And then I was strapped into the chair and lowered through the floor to be deprogrammed. It was a wild scene. The place is called Safe House. It's not a surprise. People in Milwaukee know about it. People in Milwaukee would probably roll in their eyes that I went to this dad bar. But I had a great time and it was full of people having a good time. When I rolled back through Milwaukee again with our friends from Riff Trax, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett, I was like, and we did a performance at Turner's Hall. I said, let's, I have a place to

take you after the show. And I took them there and we did the humiliating little dance that we had to do. We went through the bookshelf and we were the only ones there. No, it was a, it was a Friday night and it was not early, nor was it particularly late. It was prime time, but it turns out Eddie Vedder was playing in town. So all the dads went to that instead. was playing in town. So all the dads went to that instead. So Murphy and Corbett and I just had a sad beer in this basement with this one bartender who is bored out of his mind and his girlfriend was lying in a booth asleep. Milwaukee, I can't wait to come back and visit you. Let's go there and do a show, Jesse. I'd love to.

Special guest Robin Yount. Let's take a quick break when we come back, a listener who has married themself. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney

is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there?

Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-o-p-p-p-d-c-o-o

ah we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go welcome back to the judge sean hodgman podcast now, Judge Hodgman, before we went to break, I teased a listener who married themselves. Right. I don't know. I don't know what that means. I don't have any context on this. I did not read the script before we started recording.

So what does it mean, a listener who married themselves? Actually, it's a reference back to episode 521, which was the Mighty Eagle of Mid-Tier Comedy Podcasting. I don't listen to Judge John Hodgman. Mostly listen to this one baseball podcast. Well, during this, we had a dispute over how generous one should be when giving a wedding gift if you're not attending the wedding. And in passing, you mentioned the idea of a person marrying oneself. In other words, having a wedding ceremony just for themselves and not getting married to anybody else.

And I said, well, if we have any listeners who married themselves at any time in history, please write and let us know. Because I'm sure that's a thing. And I meant it sincerely. And we got a very sincere response back from our friend of the court, Hannah Cyrus. I don't mind saying her last name. She's a fixture on the Judge John Hodgman. She and her sister, Afton, were featured in episode 282 when we did our live show in Portland, Maine.

Afton wanted Hannah to get a cell phone that worked because she was living here in Blue Hill, Maine and working at the Blue Hill Public Library, where I would see Hannah quite a bit over the past couple of years because it's a lovely place to work and she's a librarian. She's since got a new job, by the way. She left the Blue Hill Library. Did you know that, Joel? No, I didn't. Hannah's up in the Bangor Library now. Step up. It's a pretty big job. She's still comm she still has the big leagues yeah yeah so that's the one different

whole different county but in any case hannah wrote in saying that she in fact held a wedding for herself a non-wedding for her 30th birthday which occurred just before the covid lockdown she said i invited all my friends from the different parts of my life to come together for a big party and dinner and dancing. I made a wedding style website. I rented out the very affordable Central Hall for the purpose of the party. I got catering from a local restaurant. I made homemade bunting from old scraps of fabric and hung up twinkle lights. Boy, oh boy. Hannah Cyrus is in the neck and neck in the adorable contest with Sheryl Crow. The whole thing was very festive. People gave toasts, including my sister Afton. Many of my friends had a sleepover at the Blue Hill Public Library. What?

And everyone had a great time. It sounds self-indulgent, and it was, but I loved my birthday, and I realized by the time I was turning 30 that I had no desire or intent to ever get married, but I still wanted the opportunity of a great party that friends could attend from near and far, meet one another, and celebrate. I was so pleased that many of my loved ones made the trip, and honestly, thinking back on it during the pandemic is one of the things that kept me going. That's amazing, Hannah. We miss you at the library. I go to work there, Jesse. I sit by Hannah's old desk and people keep coming up going, where's Hannah? Where's Hannah?

Where's Hannah? And the person who has replaced Hannah, who seems very nice and I'm sure is very competent, says Hannah's hit the big time. She's up at Bangor. Yeah. Bangor Public Library. She's a millionaire now. I know.

But this whole thing about now that I know that sleepovers at. Bangor Public Library. She's a millionaire now. I know, but this whole thing about, now that I know that sleepovers at the Blue Hill Public Library are allowed, Anna, don't tell them. I'm going to start Airbnb-ing the audiobook section. I'm going to start renting it out. It's hard to find rentals in Maine this summer. Yeah.

Bring your own sleeping bag, and you can nestle in underneath the display of Rowan Tree Pottery. It'll be great. $200, please. Wow. Does that come with a bucket of scallops? It comes with a half gallon of scallops.

Okay. Yeah. Fair enough. They have good Wi-Fi. In a cardboard milk container. Yeah, they have good Wi-Fi. Cardboard milk container. Yeah, they have good Wi-Fi there. If you're a member, you get access to their high-speed Wi-Fi, which is fantastic. I happen to know that they have a complete set of Alan Moore's League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which is great.

And, you know, if you want to buy a copy of a novel called Chang and Eng for $2, you can get it outside. It's a bargain at any price. It is. I love you, Darren. Our docket clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our producer, Jennifer Marmer. This week's episode edited by Valerie Moffitt. Our engineer in Maine is Joel Mann, Program and Operations Manager at WERU Community Radio in Orland, Maine. You can listen to WERU at WERU.org, and you can follow Joel on Instagram. His handle is TheMainMan, M-A-I-N-E-M-A-N-N.

Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman. Make sure to hashtag your JudgeJohnHodgman. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO. And of course, check out the Maximum Fund subreddit to chat about this week's episode at MaximumFund.reddit.com. You can submit your cases and we ask you to do so at MaximumFund.org slash JJHO or email them to Hodgman at MaximumFun dot org. Helpful if you let us know if you've got any recording

equipment at the house, but that is not a requirement for you to have access to recording equipment, but useful to know. And throw your telephone number in there so Jennifer can give you a call if she wants to talk to you about your submission. We promise you only Jennifer will call you, not spiders.

Maximumfun.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at Maximumfun.org. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Secret post-credit sequence deploy. Thank you for hanging around to listen to my secret. I'm going to reveal one of the two secrets.

And Jesse, normally I encourage you, because you're a busy fellow. Yeah. I encourage you to go on about your day. I'm usually busy projecting executive presence. That's right. And athleticism. That's right. presence. That's right. And athleticism. That's right. And I know you've got other podcasts to oversee and produce and create and so forth, but thank you for sticking around here in the

post-credit sequence to hear my secret. Now, I have two secrets that I can share with the audience. One is the non-hash brown secret ingredient to my high-concept burger. The other is what happened when I stood at a urinal next to Harold Bloom, the famous literary critic, during a break during the Shakespeare tragedies course I took with him in college. Which do you think I shall reveal? I'm going to say that you will reveal what happened when you stood next to Harold Bloom at the urinal when you took the Shakespearean tragedies course from him in college. So I told the story that I had used the urinal next to Harold Bloom, and it was a very scary thing to do because he was a very, very big deal on campus,

BDOC. But that's a lie. I didn't use that urinal because as soon as Harold Bloom came in to use the urinal next to me, I couldn't pee pee anymore. Oh, no. And I was so embarrassed about this that I reached down and I agitated the water to make it sound like I was peeing so that Harold Bloom would think I was peeing. For some reason, that was important. for some reason that was important. I didn't want Harold Bloom to think that I couldn't pee next to Harold Bloom. And as far as my second secret ingredient for my high concept burger, Chuck Bryant knows it.

You know it, Jesse, you know it, Jennifer, Joel, you know it, right? I think so.

Yeah. I told you already. Right. Bleep this out. It's. This thing is going to go great. As soon as I get it together, Jesse, I promise you. John, you know, you weren't the only one with a celebrity literature professor. Yeah.

Who'd you get? Casey Muhammad. You know what he said when he was explaining metonymy to our class? No. He said, it's when you refer to something by something with which it is associated. Like if you have a friend who lives in the swamp and you call him Swampy Swamperson. Casey Muhammad is a cool guy.

He's a cool guy. That's so weird that Harold Bloom used the same explanation. Well, they were both quoting from Chaucer, so. That makes sense. Now I understand. Okay, goodbye, everybody.