Judge John Hodgman - Sweet Relish

Episode Date: March 11, 2015

Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse clear out the docket with gusto, answering questions about pickle relish, Pee-wee, apartment tours, and the difference between Jim Varney and Verne Troyer.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're clearing the docket this week. How are you, Judge Hodgman? Judge John Hodgman, open those justice gates. I don't know the rest of that song. You know, they used to play that song before. They may still before every Friday and Saturday night showing at the Castro Theater in San Francisco on a grand Wurlitzer organ that rose out of the floor. Oh my goodness. It's one of the greatest things you could ever hope to go see. I mean, it's a wonderful place

to go see a movie one way or the other, but yeah, just seeing that guy pounding out San Francisco, open your golden gates on the mighty Wurlitzer. Pounding it out. He put on boxing gloves and just went going, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

Now I want to see a movie. Just imagine like a little 60-year-old, neatly trimmed gay organ enthusiast just rocking out to the maximum possible level of rocking out on the song, San Francisco, Open Your Golden Gates, as he lowers back into the ground so the movie can begin. It's spectacular. It's one of the best things you could ever hope to see. I'm glad to be here in the chambers with you, Jesse Thorne, to clear the docket. We've got quite a few interesting docket cases. Yeah, well, why don't we start with Roxanne? She writes to us, my fiance and I have a disagreement about relish. I say that sweet relish is the standard. He

believes dill relish is the standard. My reasoning is... May I just, may I break in for a moment and just say, break off the engagement? It's doomed from the start. Break it off. Go on. Let me hear the reasoning. My reasoning is when you purchase a prepared hot dog, the relish provided in the tiny packets is without fail sweet relish. His defense of dill relish is what is relish but chopped up pickles?

And what's the standard pickle? Dill. I seek not only an injunction barring my fiance from declaring dill to be the standard relish, but also stopping him from keeping dill relish in our fridge or anywhere in our household as it's kind of disgusting. Sweet relish. Thank you for your consideration. I like that she wrote sweet relish at the end.

Just a great sign off. To remind us whose team she's on. end just great sign off to remind us whose team she's on you know the judge sean hodgman podcast has has long lacked a proper end of show sign off for me and now i'm starting to think it should be sweet relish sweet relish judge but that's more of an exclamation yeah it's more it's more of an exclamation like sweet relish yeah it sounds like something one of the Bazooka Joe characters would say. And they would never say dill relish, would they? I do not believe that they would say dill relish, nor would they say one of the several other kinds of relish. I think there are a variety of types of relish, right?

There are many, many, many types of relish because relish doesn't just mean chopped up bits of pickle in sugar and vinegar plus some onion and bell pepper or whatever else they put in it relish also all jams and chutneys fall into it's any chopped up preserved stuff fallen to wikipedia calls north american traditional pickle hot dog style relish as pickle jam which sounds like a terrible terrible event on a college campus i'm not sure i'm not sure whether it's organized specifically the campus of my college the university of california at san chris precisely i don't normally like to quote wikipedia but the entry on relish does contain this incredible sentence, a notable relish is the gentleman's relish, which was invented in 1828 by John Osborne and contains spiced anchovy, end quote. I have had the gentleman's relish. The recipe for which I believe to this day is a closely guarded secret,

although it's got a bunch of anchovies in it, that's for sure. And it is delicious. is a closely guarded secret, although it's got a bunch of anchovies in it, that's for sure. And it is delicious. But the Wikipedia also lists literally under a heading, a list of notable relishes. Which I am frankly infuriated was not something I included in one of my three books of fake lists of fake facts. The areas of my expertise, more information than you require in that is all still available in paperback and on iBooks. At Wikipedia, they are very serious about their relish notability requirements.

Yeah, and the list of the notable relishes include such stalwarts as chow chow and piccalilli and cranberry sauce and tartar sauce. Wow. I never thought of tartar sauce as a relish but i guess it is salsa and sauerkraut but you could almost you could almost define anything as relish mixed pickles that's a list that's one of the ones in the list train never heard of that uh and the band train, no train. I'll look it up for you. Train C H R A I N or crane.

I should say a Yiddish loan word from Ukrainian. Horse radish is a relish found in Ashkenazi Jewish cuisine. Horse radish relish. Well, I'm glad to know that the band train is not a type of relish. Although from what I'm, what I here on wikipedia it looks like nickelback is there are many many many many types of relish and that's why i'm willing to accept that there may be dill pickle relish even though until i read your docket case today i never ever ever heard of it or saw it but it's true true. I looked out there online. There, there are different, like the, this is not buzz marketing. I'm just describing like Heinz,

which is a pretty typical relish packet supplier. When you get those packets, they say sweet relish on them. And they also make a dill relish. I didn't even know this thing existed. You can get a gallon of admiration brand sweet relish online right now for $21 and 49 cents. That's a gallon tub. Admiration is one of my favorite food brands. It services primarily the food service industry. The word, the logo for admiration is one of the most naively drawn typefaces I've ever seen in my life. And they also make one of my very favorite things, which is admiration brand,

real heavy duty mayonnaise. And when I say real, I'm not saying this is a real product. It is on the label. It says admiration brand real. And then a different font, heavy duty mayonnaise, which since sadly, I have not been able to strong arm either Moxie nor UTS nor cheer wine for that matter into sponsoring this podcast.

I really hope I'm reaching out now to admiration brand condiments and relishes. I love your things in gallons. I don't know if I want to eat them, but I would absolutely buy a gallon of admiration brand real heavy duty mayonnaise to use in my home as a showpiece or as a small ottoman for a chair. If anyone in America qualifies as a mayonnaise celebrity, it's you, Judge Hodgman. a mayonnaise celebrity. It's you, Judge Hodgman. It ought to be me, right?

I mean, I have my own brand of mayonnaise, my own private label at Empire Mayonnaise in Brooklyn. They made John Hodgman's brand survival mayonnaise for my Ragnarok Netflix special. And that's a real mayonnaise. And it's shelf stable. You can still get it if you go to survivoragnarok Netflix special. And that's a real mayonnaise and it's shelf stable. You can still get it. If you go to survive Ragnarok.com, that's the only place you can buy my survival mayonnaise. And that comes in the Ragnarok survival kit, which has a DVD of the thing. That's a buzz market. I'm just going to put that out there. But the point is this, I don't know whether

that you guys should get married or break up because on the one hand, you're perfect for each other because you love talking about relishes. On the other hand, your husband says words like, what is relish but chopped up pickles? And what is the standard pickle? Dill. If I heard a man saying that to his fiance in a restaurant, I would walk out of the restaurant and tip over the table. That is that, that, because that is not pedantry exactly, but it is, um, disingenuous argument. If the gentleman prefers dill relish, there are obviously many brands to be had. I'm going to say just to counteract my Heinz marketing Mount olive apparently makes one as well.

And then, then I bet you, I bet you in your, in your Portland org, your Portland organs and your Portland mains and, and, and every hipster outpost in between. And certainly in Brooklyn,

there are all kinds of artisanal relish makers out there who are using all kinds of pickles and not just pickled cucumbers either but i think it would be quite a stretch to say even if you accept on a gut level that the dill pickle is your default pickle and i will accept that in american culture for sure but i think most americans and maybe north maybe North Americans, although Canadians can be a little bit weird, they might they might put poutine on their relish or something. When they get that packet of relish that is almost as Roxanne says, sweet relish, I think that that has to be the default relish. What have you have you experienced any kind of relish regionalisms out there in California? You know, in California, our list of hot dog-related and pickle-related regionalisms is short.

I think just because of the timing of the population influxes into the great golden state. So we just have sweet pickle relish. We also don't have super strong opinions about what you should put on a hot dog, which I think I only learned as an adult was characteristic of basically every other part of the entire United States. Children, children care.

Sure. I don't think, I think, you know, I think, I'll say to my taste, ketchup alone on a hot dog is a little gross. Yeah, unless you're a child. But yeah, if you're a child. But if it's a grown person, that's fine. You do what you want. All I care is that everyone within the sound of my voice appreciates, once and for all, a hot dog is not a sandwich.

It is a hot dog. Yeah, no, I think mostly it's sweet relish with dill relish as an exception. I'm sorry, Roxanne's husband, you're wrong. Here's something from Keaton. My brother and I just started watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Now my brother started watching Pee-wee's Playhouse and refuses to watch The Fresh Prince until I watch Pee-wee. I watched the movie and I thought, well, maybe this isn't a dumb, weird kids' show. After watching the intro for the show, I knew I was wrong.

I'm 14 years old. My brother is 10. He was told about Pee-Wee by his friend, who's 11. Please help Judge John Hodgman. Uh, well, Keaton. Uh, I hope named for Buster or maybe Michael P. Diane? Or Diane.

Alex? P? Oh, that's who I was thinking of. Sorry, I messed it up. Alex P. That's what I meant to say. Michael P. I was thinking Michael J.

I got it all confused. Boy, oh boy, Jesse, let me tell you something. I was thinking Michael J. I got it all confused. Boy, oh boy, Jesse, let me tell you something. I don't know when this particular episode is coming out, but it surely is after I appear on the Doug Loves Movies podcast, promoting the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Podcast, love podcast. It's just the way it goes. And I made a terrible mistake. Confusing, confusing Jim Varney, terrible mistake confusing confusing jim varney who of course played earnest in all the earnest goes to blank movies such as earnest goes to jail such as earnest goes to jail confusing jim varney and verne Mini-Me. The little person, a.k.a. Mini-Me. And I know exactly how my brain made this connection, because Jim Varney's character, Ernest, is always talking to an off-screen character named Vern. But I'll tell you something. Explaining that to a shocked and disgusted audience of the Gramercy Theater does not make them feel better about you.

They make you feel worse. Shocked. Embarrassed. Shocked, disgusted, and high out of their gourds. No, they were about the regular height. I'm sure I don't know what you mean. In any case, Verne Troyer, not to besmirch the work of these men who work hard,

and Jim Varney, sadly, is no longer with us. Verne Troyer was in the second Austin Powers film. And Jim Varney was in many, huh? Earnest goes to blank films. Plus earnest, neither stupid, which wasn't technically one of the goes to films,

but it was an earnest. That's true. And I believe he made them not to indulge in a pun earnestly. That was his life's work. You know what I mean? Along with... Vern? Along with franchised regional auto commercials.

Well, that's how it started. That's how it began. He began on commercials, and his commercials, the character he created for commercials for all kinds of different things, became so popular they made a movie. They might as well have made a PC versus Mac movie.

Hint, hint, America. Hey Hollywood, if you can make 37 Ernest Goes to Places movies, you're saying you can't make a Mac and PC road trip buddy comedy? Think about it. I will not write it, but I am committed to starring in it. In any case, I don't want to say anything mean about Jim Varney, because he did also was the voice of Slinky Dog in the first two Toy Story films and by all accounts is a wonderful dude. But the earnest canon and the later Austin Powers, I would say for sure, are not what I would consider to be essential culture. Arguably, I would say Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is a little bit more essential than them in that it launched the career of this super megastar and the times that I have seen it

playing in a break room or a doctor's office in the afternoon, a doctor's office waiting room in the afternoon. Everyone on that show seems to be having a good time and is very charming. It's a not unpleasant program. But even though, Keaton, you are 14 years old and then, thus I should say, a little bit older than the target audience for the original run of Pee-Wee's Playhouse, I would guess, the fact is that it is essential culture. Wouldn't you agree, Jesse? It's pretty spectacular. It's an important piece of American culture because it represents such a strange time in our televisual history when we entrusted our Saturday morning's children's program to underground cartoonists and avant-garde post-ironic performance artists.

Like, you remember Laurie Anderson had that kids show? I was too busy watching Barbara Kruger's kids show. Right, it was Laurie Anderson's light-up mouth show. And then there was also Karen Finley had a show, but it was only on for one episode because she did something that wasn't right for Saturday morning. I feel like Barbara Kruger's show was called Don't Shop. I can't remember exactly. It also featured both in front of and behind the scenes, incredibly talented actors, set designers, composers. set designers, composers. I mean, the set design of Pee Wee's Playhouse itself is a legitimate work of American art of that time. It was designed by Gary Panter, the great cartoonist,

whose work I first discovered in the 1980s in the pages of Raw magazine, which, of course, is the the new underground underground and European and new cartoon magazine that was co-edited by Francoise Mouly. And and oh, my gosh, Art Spiegelman, of course, genius who and that's where Mouse by Art Spiegelman was first serialized. And Gary Panter's work was in their. Incredibly provocative, subversive cartooning. Cindy Lauper obviously sang the theme song, which is iconic. It launched the careers of actors like Lawrence Fishburne and Esipatha Merkison and Natasha Lyonne. It had music from Mark Mothersba work of Nick Park and David Sproxton of Aardman Animation, who went on to make Wallace and Gromit. I mean, this is the DNA of this show is full of amazing artistry. And that's even the stuff you can't know when you're a kid. You only know when you're an obsessive older person. Right. But even as a kid, imagine Keaton, if you can.

a kid imagine Keaton if you can I know it's difficult for you because you're a 14 year old and your imagination has uh has stopped working for a while while you're while your body pumps all kinds of weird new hormones through you that make you into an inhuman selfish monster who can't see an inch beyond himself for any given moment but imagine if you can what it would have been like in the 1980s when Saturday morning all you could watch was Brave Star right Jesse? Oh boy yeah. Great cartoon. Yeah great that was really great. And here and here was a show that was anarchic, silly, profoundly human, decent, non-judgmental, weird and this is the thing that I think is most valuable because kids who watched Saturday morning television shows in this time and arguably today had no model of weirdness.

So if anyone felt weird, right? If anyone felt like a weirdo, uh, because of what they liked, what they listened to, how they felt, whom they were attracted to, what they looked like. to genies with heads in boxes and malicious mannequins and creating a world for himself full of friends that was profoundly strange and beautiful and human and great. And you also got to see, which you didn't know you were seeing when you were a kid, was a peek into this world of artistry, you know, of the Gary Panthers and the residents and then Googie architecture and strange musics and Miss Yvonne, the most beautiful woman in the world, which is not to take anything away from the woman who played Miss Yvonne, who is beautiful, but not, you know, when you hear the most beautiful woman in the world

and someone walks in in a crazy 1950s hairdo and you and and she looks like your mom and peewee is falling all over her it's a beautiful subversion of what quote-unquote beauty means so Keaton I don't blame you for not knowing any of this or not getting it because as far as I can tell you watched the opening song. Why don't you watch the rest of it? If it's not for you, I understand. When I was young, grr, because I'm still young, relevant, and vital. When that show came out, I was in my late teens and moving into my 20s. I guess it was 17, 18, 19, around there. And I loved Pee Wee, right? Because from the MTV, because that was cool.

And I watched that show and I'm like, oh, wait a minute. This is not for me. This is for kids. And only later did I appreciate, oh, it absolutely is for me. It's for everybody. It's for everybody. I, like you, was a judgmental jerk because I was in my teens and I was anxious about my status in the world. That is to say, I was anxious about being thought of as an adult and thinking of myself as an adult

and wanting to put away all the greasy kid stuff. So I would obsessively cultivate only the most mature, sophisticated culture, like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, for example. mature, sophisticated culture like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, for example. But as I have said over and over again to the person in my life who is closest to your age, a 13-year-old woman who lives in my house, now that she has started to worry about being adult, she acts more childish than when she was a child. You should watch this thing and figure it out and acknowledge that your dumb little brother maybe understands a little bit better than you do why it's great. And if you can't acknowledge he does, acknowledge that I do. But because you're a teenager and you can't acknowledge

that anyone has anything to say to you, it may be some years before you appreciate that I was always right. Your weird dad was always right. And I just hope you visit me in the hospital when that time comes. I have to say, Judge Hodgman, I was not a teenager when Pee Wee's Playhouse was on television

because I'm even more young and vital than you are. Yes. I was about the same age as the younger brother in this question, and it was the—I can say sincerely that I don't think there is a media product of any kind, and I'm even including books and films, uh, in that, that has changed my life or the direction of my life more dramatically or had a more profound impact on me than that show. And, uh, yeah, I mean, I, I look, you're 14. I understand you not wanting to watch kids stuff and it's a show for kids. I mean, it's a, a brilliant, amazing, it's like one of the greatest

shows for kids ever created that can be enjoyed by anyone. Uh, but it is designed for kids. I mean, it's a brilliant, amazing, it's like one of the greatest shows for kids ever created that can be enjoyed by anyone. But it is designed for children, you know, again, by brilliant, amazing, innovative underground artists. But yeah, it's for kids. But yeah, I mean, at the very least, watch a few of them. And just please don't compare it to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I mean, no offense to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which really is a perfectly decent family sitcom with an effervescent and brilliant star. But yeah, I mean, at least compare it to news radio or something. Yeah, you know, that's actually a good comparison to make. You should also watch news radio, 14-year-old. That's something for grown-ups that I think a 14-year-old, there's no reason a 14-year-old couldn't enjoy news radio right now, as long as you're watching,

as long as you're keen on watching something from the 90s in a semi-ironic mode. News radio is actually really exceptionally great and also fun and silly, just like the best of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Created by the genius Paul Sims. Genuine genius.

And starring an incredible ensemble cast, which includes, you probably have never heard of Paul Sims, but I bet you've heard of Joe Rogan, so go enjoy it. Hello, I'm your judge, John Hodgman. The judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at maximumfund.org. And they are all your favorites.

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If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Here's something from Stacy. My husband James and I enjoy marathon sessions of TV shows via streaming video. Thank God she didn't say it the other way. I really,

I can't deal with people saying that thing that she could have said, but chose not to say anymore. I, you mean streaming video? No, no, no, no.

I mean, the thing that describes enjoying marathon sessions of television shows via streaming video, uh, the, Oh, I thought, I honestly thought that you were like,

thank God she didn't say via streaming. No, no, no, no. I was making a joke off of that. You mean't say via streaming. No, no, no, no. I was making a joke off of that. You mean binge watching? No, no, no, no, no. Munch, munch, munch.

I think you hate the sound of the term binge watching. Oh, jeez. I hate the sound of the word munch, munch, munch. I was munching my munching. Ugh, gross. Now we're both grossed out i feel like i would rather listen to people say bay than say binge watching um as the theme music for each episode of a show begins james drums to the beat on my leg arm head whatever he can reach sounds like a

fun husband this in turn makes it harder to get the song out of my head. For example, while we binge-watched three seasons... God! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! She was just not saying it for style reasons, because she didn't want to say it twice in the same question. Yeah, that's right.

She just has a good copy editor. She did not read your mind and agree with you that that is a term that is used by everyone all the time in Octopus Lee is the one term that she should not use in a letter to you. She actually just avoided it that one time. Anyway, when we watched three seasons of the show Breaking Bad, he would slowly reach over and grab my arm or leg and jiggle it at the end of the intro song in the part that sounds like a maraca. What a creep. Judge Hodgman, please rule that he must sit still during any intro song to a television show and keep his hands to himself in the interest of my sanity.

Thank you. need to physically abuse his wife while watching television themes is pretty intense because you know if if it began as tapping out a a drum beat or a seinfeldian slappy bass line on her clavicle or whatever. You know, you get caught up in a thing, I guess. But the theme song to Breaking Bad has no, it's not, it's not, it's not a toe tapper. And that he had to come up in his mind with some alternate way to violate the personal boundaries of the woman he claims to love by shaking her arm or leg like a maraca at the end, truly makes me wonder if perhaps this guy needs some help. Dude, Stacy's husband, maybe you think you're having a great time. I can't imagine that Stacey's first recourse after the first couple of times of this was writing to me.

I have a feeling she probably has spoken to you about it. And yet you keep doing it. It is not fun just like whistling or table drumming is only fun for the person who is doing it what's the other thing that's only fun for the person who's doing it oh that's right playing the ukulele just like those things are only fun for the person who's doing it you tote you know table tapping on your beloved's body is only fun for you an annoyance for her and i would say a real violation of bodily boundaries that needs to end immediately before i come over there

and shake you like a maraca the judge will never i won't this court will never enforce its decisions by shaking people or physically hurting people because i think that that's wrong obviously you're not hurting her but there is there is something very invasive about what you're doing and it needs to stop immediately and if you have a compulsion to do that sort of thing get up set up bongos and stacy in the meantime be happy that almost all theme songs are now disappearing what would he have done for the opening theme of lost you know i bet he would have done because the opening theme of lost for the children out there who have you know that whole show seems to be wiped from history sadly i still love it the opening theme of lost was simply a weird sustained discordant note

sustained discordant note. Judge Hodgman, I'm having didgeridoo and tuvin throat singing flashbacks to my college experience right now. Oh, yeah. Up at the pickle jam. Yeah, exactly. I bet you what he did when during the opening opening noise of Lostwood, he would blow up a balloon and tie it and rub it on her hair to create static electricity. Knock it off, Stacey's husband. You're acting like a creep.

You know you are. Stop it. Have you watched The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt yet? I have not yet had the pleasure. I hear people enjoy it. Well, you're really going to love it. Any fan of uh the hit show 30 rock i think will will love it um because it has the same uh antic comic tone uh it's delightful well just can i just say one thing though yeah like i appreciate your desire to try to get tina fey and the unbreakable kimmy schmidt to sponsor our podcast but it's kind of interfering with my efforts to get admiration brand real heavy duty

mayonnaise to sponsor our podcast and i kind of don't want to mess that up and only one of those two can be used to pack a crank case i don't want to yeah i don't i don't want to blow my admiration money for some of those Netflix nickels. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is it does have theme music, and the theme music has been lodged very firmly in my head to the point where I literally can't even look around a room and see a woman without thinking of the part that goes, these females is strong as hell.

I'm going to have to watch it just to dispel that earworm. Well, well buzz marketed. Here's something from Will. My girlfriend and I just bought a new apartment and can't agree on how to show it off when someone visits for the first time. I contend the defaults to assume

that guests do not care to take a tour and to only show them the space if they ask. This is how we've done it so far. My girlfriend says this is rude and that we should proactively offer to show them around when they first arrive. Judge Hodgman, should they automatically get the tour or should we assume that, like me, they don't care about a bunch of dumb rooms? If you don't like your dumb rooms that much, why don't you move out? Yeah, get a new apartment with sweeter rooms. I think assuming that other people don't care about you is not a human default position. It sounds like a proactive strategy that sociopaths make in their minds to justify, if necessary, why they don't care about other people.

I would say that in terms of sheer etiquette, if you are visiting someone's new home, it is polite for the guest to express admiration for the home. And then it is polite for the host to say, would you like me to show you around? May I show it to you? And then it is polite for the guest to say, yes, please. And then everyone feels good, right? Which is the point of etiquette to make everyone feel comfortable and good. And it takes just a little while. And then the humans know where the bathroom is and you don't have to tell them all the time. I think you're wrong, Will. I think

it's entirely correct that your girlfriend makes this offer. This is her first home. She is, unlike you, house or I should say apartment proud and not dumb rooms cynical. Let her do her thing. Here's something from Brad. Okay. I work with a fantastic group of people in the canola mustard. Just say it.

And rapeseed breeding program. Is that, that's how it's pronounced, right? Yes. I'm not off base. Okay. Yeah.

I don't know what that is. It's not grapeseed. Nope. It's rapeseed. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a kind of seed.

It's a, it's a grain. A it's a it's a kind of seed it's a it's a grain a grain hang on now now i now i want to make sure i know what it is hang on rapeseed it is yeah it's a bright it's a bright yellow flowering member of the mustard or cabbage family. Could we call it a rapa seed? One of the things it's also known as? Or a rapa or a rappy? Well, it's also known as simply rape.

Seems like a bad name. Seems like they would have picked a new name. And it's funny. Picking names is part of this. So I'm going to read the rest of this. I'm trying to remember who it was that I was talking to who said that they grew up in Idaho. I think it was. And said that they lived in a town that grew a lot of Roppy.

Roppy. But then Stein still said, you know, welcome to enter name of town, home of corn and rape. Oh, gee whiz. Anyway, moving on. We focus on releasing new varieties at the University of Idaho.

We focus on releasing new varieties and when a new cultivar is ready for commercial release, it gets a name. It's become tradition to use girls' names for our winter canola varieties, with past names being Erica, Athena, and most recently, Amanda. My supervisor, Jim, really wants the next winter canola to be named after his daughter. She's a 16-year-old girl, and she's horrified by the thought of having acres of canola with her name attached to it. My supervisor thinks that this is all just a phase, and he's going to name it after her

anyway, without any thought of her objections. I understand the annoyance of your family doing something you tell them not to do. We would appreciate your advice on this subject. something you tell them not to do, we would appreciate your advice on this subject. I have a human living in my home. There's a grown 13-year-old woman living in my home who does not pay rent or contribute to the household in any way, but demands all the rights and privileges of a adult roommate. And this causes some problems. But I understand that it is the nature of this 13-year-old, who is not 16, but a little closer than not, it is in the nature of the teenager to reject everything that is offered to her, whether it is advice or affection or food or immortality via winter crops. psychologically and developmentally appropriate effort to distinguish oneself from the experienced adults in her life by claiming she already has everything she needs and she doesn't need anything

from you and she doesn't need a thing and she already knows all the knowledge and she knows how to do it. Now I'm going to set these muffins on fire. It's a shame, because I bet when Jim's daughter, who is not named, redacted for privacy, I'm going to call her... What's a lady's name? Martha.

Martha. I agree. Martha is good. I'm going to call her Martha Jim's daughter. I bet when Martha Jim's daughter reaches college, she would love to be able to brag to her friends when she's, I hope working in the, in the dining hall,

earning her keep, not just treating college like some kind of summer camp, but over there in the corner of the kitchen, the dining hall earning her keep, not just treating college like some kind of summer camp. But over there in the corner of the kitchen, that gallon jug of admiration brand, Miss Martha Jim's daughter, heavy duty winter canola oil is actually named after her. It's exciting to have things named after you, even if it's a winter crop. Oh, sure. Summer crop. Everyone's excited about that. Sure.

New kind of corn on the cob. Of course. Canola is something we need to Martha's Jim's daughter. So we know better than her supervisor, Jim, me, Jesse. We're all dads. We know better. And you could deploy some negotiation. You could tell her that if she doesn't want the winter canola named after her, you'll give her name to the rapeseed.

That's her choice. But I bet you she's going to say no to that too. And honestly, if she says no, you have to respect her wishes because that is the psychologically and developmentally appropriate thing that you need to be doing, Supervisor Jim, as a parent, as an experienced adult, as a grown man, and letting your daughter make mistakes like not letting the canola be named after her. That's awesome. So I think instead you should name, I know that it's traditional to name it after a woman or a girl.

I, I would be so proud if you would name it John and Jesse winter canola. Jesse is sometimes a girl's name. Sorry, Jesse, just trying to get this canola named after us. You understand. I understand.

I would point out that it's usually spelled differently for girls, but it doesn't seem like the right time to mention that. Well, look, I'm not ever going to check the spelling of this thing, so this guy's going to do what he needs to do. You're not going to buy a couple bushels? bushels. John and please call it John and

Jesse's real heavy-duty winter canola. Just, I'm throwing it out there. I would give

my own daughter's name, but she doesn't deserve it. If it has to be a woman's name, can I suggest S. Epatha? Uh, yes. You know that's pronounced Sepatha, don't you? No, what? It is. It really and truly is.

That's not possible. Oh, speaking of lost, I was one time having a cocktail with my old friend Adam Stein, who knew Michael Emerson. Adam Stein will not be someone you necessarily know. He's a great actor, stage actor, and a writer for TV. And his old friend from acting times, Michael Emerson, got the role of a lifetime on Lost playing the villain or maybe not villain Benjamin Linus check it out kids and so Adam arranged a beautiful thing for me as a fan of the tv show Lost he arranged for us and a couple of other guys to have a cocktail together at the wonderful Bar Centrale in in in Manhattan the the the Broadway legendary hangout of the Broadway stars.

And we're having our martinis and just getting along famously. Get it? Because he was famous. And so were you. Well, I was arguably more famous then than I am now. That's true. Well, I was arguably more famous then than I am now. That's true.

It was during the period when we were still developing the Mac versus PC movie. And who should walk over but Esa-Patha Merkison of Law & Order and Pee-Wee's Playhouse and other things. And she totally fangirled over Michael Emerson, a.k.a. Benjamin Linus. And I was like, yeah, you're right. He's amazing. He's an amazing actor, currently starring in Person of Interest on a major network. Amazing actor. And then Michael Emerson got up out of the booth, and he was so thrilled to be talking to Esopatha Murchison that he left us all behind. And Esopatha Murchison stole Benjamin Linus from me, and I will never forgive her. And that's why I call her Sepatha. Sounds like she might be a psychopath.

What she did was Sepathologically awful. Well, that's a pretty fair number of cases cleared, Judge Hodgman. If anybody out there has a case to share with us, they can go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Or they can email them to Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. Our producer on Judge John Hodgman is Julia Smith. Our editor is Mark McConville. Wait a minute, Jesse, before we go, don't forget that the MaxFunDrive is coming up next week.

Open your devices and mark your calendars. Starts the 16th, runs for two weeks. This is your one chance a year to support what we do here at MaximumFun.org and on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. That's how we pay for all of this. It is actually supported directly by you. So yeah, we don't have that UTS money rolling in. We don't have that. We don't have that Moxie money rolling in. To date, we don't have that moxie money rolling in to date we don't have that admiration uh mayonnaise money rolling in or uh or the tina fey money rolling in and even our wonderful sponsors who do support us and we are very grateful to them um uh you know it's a huge help but it doesn't it doesn't cover

the cost uh by a long shot and so starting march 16th jesse let me ask you a question will we be pulling out some of the stops no sir like most of the organist like the organist at the mighty whirlitzer at the castro theater on castro street in san francisco we'll be pulling out all the stops as we rise out of the floor playing San Francisco, open your golden gates. I guess this metaphor, I put a little bit too much faith in this metaphor. I should have stuck with just pulling out of all the stops. But yes, we will be pulling out all the stops. We have multiple Judge John Hodgman cases that are exclusive to donors,

as well as 50 plus hours of exclusive content across all of our shows. And of course, great thank you gifts and all of that stuff. So March 16th, the Max Fund Drive starts. Hashtag Max Fund Drive. Maximumfund.org slash donate and et cetera. And if you're a current donor, you will have access to a brand new trial that is available only to you. Check your emails for access to the donors only bonus content. It's about communal property in an office environment. And that's all we will say about it except thank you in advance. New current upgrading members for the support that we know we

can count on starting March 16th. It's really important to us because you are and we want to keep bringing this to you. So thank you. Yeah. Thanks, everybody. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hotchman podcast. Admiration mayonnaise, real heavy duty mayonnaise. It's one just for you.

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